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Along my narcissistic abuse recovery journey one thing (among many) really surprised me – the unshakeable and intense feelings of neediness I felt towards my ex.

Everything about his actions showed that he had moved on. I, on the other hand, was stuck feeling like I couldn’t live without him.

Have you felt this? Has it shocked you as well?

It doesn’t matter if the narcissist in your life is your love partner, parent, family member, child, friend, colleague … these feelings pop up and they can be excruciating. You may even have the primal trigger of feeling you are going to die without this person.

In my latest Thriver TV video, I dive deep into why this intense addiction takes over your life and why you are finding it so hard to break away from this abusive person.

I want you to know with total certainty that you can completely recover from this unhealthy attachment and that you can survive without the narcissist. Please watch the video to learn how to become the healthy source to yourself that you were born to be.

 

 

Video Transcript

You may have the terrible feeling that the narcissist doesn’t want you and doesn’t need you, and that you want and need them more. This is so not true.

Today, I’m going to explain why this isn’t true by looking at what your feelings of neediness are and where they’re coming from and then we’re going to check out the narcissists. We’re also going to look at how you can completely recover, live healthily without the narcissist, and how the narcissist will actually never recover and can’t live without you.

I promise you today, that you’re going to learn about this in a way that maybe you’ve never thought about before. So make sure you hang out to the end of this video to really get the message, because I promise you, it’s going to give you hope and relief.

Just before we get started today, I am so excited because starting in just a few days on April the 3rd, I’m going to be beginning my global interactive Thrive Membership Bootcamp.

If you would like to come on a journey with me and work hands-on as we heal the trauma of narcissistic abuse, including all those yucky symptoms like PTSD and fibromyalgia, and the list goes on, so that you can get healthy and well, and confident, discover how to become narcissist proof and show up in life with strong boundaries, so your life starts to really work, go to melanietoniaevans.com/thrive to register your spot. The doors are closing really soon.

 

Your Feelings Of Needing The Narcissist

Let’s have a look at your feelings of needing the narcissist.

My heart goes out to you in your struggle with this because I know those feelings are excruciating. I went through them as well. You may feel like this is the only person who you could truly love.

If this is your parent or a family member or a child, you may feel like your identity can never be intact if you don’t sort this relationship out and finally get this person to love and accept you.

You may feel like this is some sort of Soul contract that you have to stay with this person, whoever that narcissist is in your life ­– it could even be a friend – because the attachment feels so intense.

You may feel like you’re going to die without this person, that you may never emotionally recover and that you’re not going to be able to survive without them, maybe even in a practical sense.

These are all intense primal traumas that get deeply triggered within you. They’re terrorizing. They’re traumatizing. Then couple this with the conflict, the drama, the persecution, the smears, and the attacks and the sabotages that the narcissist brings down upon you when you are in fallout with them and being discarded by one. Or when you are trying to break away from them.

Of course, this can escalate the feelings of needing the narcissist because you have that urge that you need to fix things. You need to reconcile matters. If you don’t, then your Soul and your life are going to be destroyed.

All of this feels heartbreaking and Soul destroying to such a magnified extent that you can feel helpless and hopeless on your own. There’s also the intense addiction to this person. It’s literally chemically trauma bonding you to them.

It’s like a synthetic drug that you are hooked on. You literally, cellularly feel codependently attached, addicted, and dependent. It translates to really feeling on the inside like a broken child trying to fix an abusive parent so that they can love you and approve of you and grant you security and survival that – you don’t realize yet – you feel like you can’t activate in your own life. That’s why you feel like you need them so much.

Now, I want to normalize this for you because I know that you felt like this, or maybe you still feel like this because I felt like that. I’ve helped thousands of people including myself get free from every part of this.

Here is the good news. As a child of course you were powerless to mentally, emotionally, physically and financially break free from an abusive parent. But as an adult, you are not powerless to break away from another abusive adult.

My team and myself help facilitate recoveries from this every single day, quickly and powerfully in a straight line. This is done the Quantum way, the emotional energetic somatic way. Meaning from the inside out, deep within your Inner Identity, and it’s done with Quanta Freedom Healing, which is the coaching within my healing systems, and it’s in the Thrive program. So that these parts inside of you that have felt dependent and helpless, and powerless can heal and grow up inside of you to be a healthy source to yourself.

So, what does that mean? What does it do when you make that shift? It means you’re no longer going to be reliant on False Selves, aka, narcissistic people who are not providing you with love, acceptance, security, and survival. Rather, they’re exploiting you for all of these resources. They’re taking them from you, sucking you dry and destroying you. That’s the plight when we’re trying to get those things from False Sources.

It’s a big problem with codependency when we’re handing our power away because we don’t get love, approval, security, and survival. What actually does happen is we get more of the treatment that shows us the brokenness that we’re experiencing inside and how we’re not yet as adults providing love, approval, security, and survival for ourselves.

Now, the great news is, I promise you, this is totally treatable, and you can emerge from this stronger, more confident than you could imagine, and with zero needing and missing the narcissist whatsoever. No matter how intense that is for you right now – it’s gone. I’m going to talk to you about how to achieve that it in a bit.

So now let’s look at the narcissist and why they need you more than you do them.

 

The Narcissist’s Neediness

So, what’s the narcissist neediness about? It’s actually a much deeper need than yours. The narcissist’s need for you is essential because the narcissist is a No Self. He or she has no Inner Identity, meaning their Inner Being has been completely disowned by the narcissist. Either unconsciously or consciously, the narcissist decided that their true Inner Self was ineffective at getting its needs met.

The narcissist has a deep self-hatred, shocking self-esteem and has literally discarded their inner emotional self. The narcissist has created a fictitious character as their imagined identity, which is who they would like to be. This is a False Self. A narcissist does not want to meet their true Inner Being, which is curled up and catatonic in a corner – literally discarded by them.

The False Self doesn’t want to revive it, love it, and heal it. It doesn’t want to feel those feelings of being insecure and ineffective and defective. Doesn’t want to feel those feelings and doesn’t want to heal them. They don’t want peace within. In fact, if they’re ever calm, those horrible inner feelings are bubbling up and threatening to engulf them. What happens is they’re insatiably addicted to attention and stuff to numb out to self-medicate the inner terrible feelings that they do not want to face and heal.

So, what is needed is to get attention and stuff from outside of themselves. So what do they need to do that? Other people.

I want you to think of a vampire who needs to drink human blood (as a metaphor) to have a full Life Force that they can’t maintain themselves, because in the myth, vampires are dead and they need the blood from humans to be “alive.” It was said that vampires knew that they needed humans. They knew they need them but hated them because of their dependency on them. Because vampires deemed themselves as far superior beings and humans are really inferior yucky beings.

Narcissists are exactly the same. They need humans to suck them of their Life Force, their attention and their resources, but they hate their dependency on them because it doesn’t go with their narrative of, “I’m superior and I don’t need you.”

So narcissist take it out on human beings. They abuse them. They exploit them. They destroy them, even though they need them. Then they throw them aside and they have to keep moving through them and replacing them to sustain themselves.

So, yes, the narcissist needs you until there is no more to take and extract from you and until you finally break. When the writing is on the wall, that the whole thing is going to collapse, they are already organizing another source of narcissistic supply to take over where you will leave off.Β  Then they will empty them out just as much as they needed to empty you out.

So therefore, if you are hooked on hoping a narcissist needs you in a wholesome, human way, that’s going to grant you love, approval, security and survival and enhance your Soul and your life, if you’re hoping that’s the case, I’m afraid to say to you with all the love that I can muster – it’s delusional. Yet, you do know this because you’ve experienced this. You’ve experienced hoping that they need you and want you in a loving, genuine, authentic way that you know they don’t.

The only way out of this illusion, this delusion, and for you to get a great life to experience, not just real love, approval, security, and survival (which is your Soul birthright) but also joy, confidence, and freedom from narcissistic abuse, as well as the symptoms that go with the horror of narcissistic abuse – such as the PTSD, the fibromyalgia, the adrenal breakdowns, the anxiety, the depression, the loss of faith in yourself, others in life, the inability to rebuild emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, that’s all the symptoms of narcissistic abuse – is to heal yourself.

All of those will dissolve away and you can and will let go of that full dependency with a False Self and heal yourself back to the true relationship that is required for you to be an actualized effective, fulfilled human being.

 

Your True Self And True Life

There’s a need to connect to the real need that’s going to grant you your True Self and your True Life.

Ironically, what will heal you and hand you the health, wellbeing, and power to be an individual independent of abuse, with the ability to create healthy and wonderful relationships, is doing the one thing that the narcissist will never do, ever –­ hence why they don’t heal – is turn inwards to love and heal yourself back to health. You can do this with Quantum tools that can and do establish your True Self relationship, which is between you, your Inner Being and Source.

You might say, “What source?” Let me explain. You don’t have to be religious or spiritual to start accepting your higher power. You may call this your super conscious. You may call this your higher self. You might call this, of course, God. Or if that word doesn’t work for you, you could call this your particular deity. You could call this the universe. You could call this infinite consciousness, wellbeing, love. You could call it George, if you want to.

But what it is, it’s a recognition that there is an infinite consciousness in the unseen world that is unfolding everything that we know is beautiful and powerful and loving and represents wellbeing. Look at our flowers. Look at our animals. Look at the nutrition that comes through our natural food. Look at how our inner subconscious runs trillions of programs and chemical processes. Logically, we could never even assimilate this, let alone activate it. That’s infinite consciousness.

Now, here’s the narcissist’s big issue – why they are always going to need people in a needy parasitic way. The narcissist believes they are God. They’ve disconnected themselves from any higher power. They’re disconnected. They’re in gross separation, me-versus-you, because of that separation. Now, what does that mean? It means they’re actually disconnected from themselves. They’re disconnected from Life Force. They’re disconnected from connection with everything.

It’s like they’re in a fishbowl looking out and they can never join in. It’s this intense separation that causes their terminal emptiness and neediness to have to try to get stuff, to feel whole. That’s what parasites do. And they have to try and parasite from other people and they still can’t get it. Hence, why that urge never ends.

Now, that’s them. But your way out of this mess with false parasitical selves is to reverse the separation from within yourself. This is exactly what my Thriver Quanta work is all about. It’s why it works so powerfully and quickly. It’s about reversing our own separation from ourselves, from Source, from our own Inner Being and from life itself.

This can only be done by coming home to and connecting with True Source. Then we feel satiated. We feel confident. We feel whole. We feel at peace and empowered. As we get better, we do better, we no longer have the empty, needy, powerless attraction to narcissists that we once did.

 

In Conclusion

So, if you would like to work hands-on with me and my team to durably, quickly, powerfully get you out of the pain and the struggle of what’s been happening in that faux dark world with a narcissist, and into your new, True Self, where you will thrive – my Thrive Membership Bootcamp is starting really soon. It lasts 10 weeks.

It is a super boost, fast forward journey from where you are to where you were born to be. Some of the stunning results that we see regularly in these boot camps is people lose their symptoms. They come out of PTSD. They come home to peace and relief and start to feel joy and inspiration and solutions in their life.

We’ve had people who’ve had property and custody settlements that are unprecedented even after decades of struggle. We’ve had people who have got the confidence and the power to leave and be able to join up with solicitors and situations that are supportive of them. We’ve had people who’ve had narcissists capitulate and leave them alone. We’ve also had people who’ve been able to start again in new abodes, new jobs, new healthy supportive relationships. Literal miracles. But they’re not when you come home to yourself and Source. That’s when your True Self and your True Life starts to flow through you as you.

So, if you know you’re in the battle, if you want to get out of it, if you want to be escorted into your True Self and your True Life with a hands-on 10-week healing bootcamp, go to melanietoniaevans.com/thrive and register for your spot in this transformative 10-week journey.

From my heart to yours – you are not going to be the same person after the 10 weeks as you were when you started.

I hope this episode has made a lot of sense to you. I hope it’s hit your heart.

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Commments (18) + Leave a comments

18 thoughts on “The Narcissist Needs You More Than You Need Them

  1. Dear Melanie!
    Gosh! I sure needed some help today! I think the video and your article here really came at a perfect time! On Friday I have to go into court with the “you know who” and I’ve been simply terrified. 😱
    After listening to you and now having the opportunity to read this really incredible article I feel better and not so terrified! I know what she’s going to do and I know what she’s up to. After years of experiencing this kind of abuse from her I see clearly her patterns, her malice, her intentions and I know of her ruthlessness!
    I know that I shouldn’t be afraid of her but I still am! I know that she’s going to want everything to go her way and she’s going to try to steal as much as she can from me which is something she has constantly done over the years in so many ways…
    You said something to me recently about not letting her take marital things anymore! I thought, after hearing this advice, so desperately needed, so thankfully,
    from you, I really need to include me and little Peter as well…. (she CANNOT have us and CANNOT abuse us anymore!) πŸ™πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘¦πŸ™ Me and my good BFF, little Peter, have always been satisfied with less, not more and it could be easy for me to get into the trap of just letting her bulldoze me over and say “that’s okay” but I can’t do that anymore!
    I’ve got one more day to prepare and I am going to use the modules to help prepare me and listen to you as much as I can! β€οΈπŸ¦‹β€οΈ
    The first part of this article on the narcissists neediness today really resonated with me and gave me hope and a smile and a feeling that I can make it and I can do it! The truth is she is unbelievably needy and always has been and I’ve never really been like that so it was a mixture of oil and water as I’ve heard others and sometimes you say! And her neediness came at great expense to me!
    NO MORE!!!πŸ’ͺ
    😌 thank you for being so crystal clear today about us, that what we need to realize and recognize is that we have all the gifts of courage and inner strength within, that they are there always for us…..
    That a special part of us is waiting for the opportunity to help…
    β€οΈπŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘¦β€οΈ
    That you and this amazing system of yours is always there to help…
    β€οΈπŸ¦‹β€οΈ
    Well, I hope things go good with Thrive! I’d love to be there but I just can’t afford to be there but I have you and all of your videos to help me with and others as well so I’ll be OK! Thanks so much, Melanie! I wish you all the best withThrive. πŸ™ thank you from the depths of my heart for everything you have helped me with! Lots of love! β€οΈπŸ¦‹β€οΈ

      1. Hiya Peter and Mel t thank-you great listening to you all I’m now going through the stage we’re hes mental torture me and treats that he’s getting someone 😒 else and he’s calling me name’s he’s beat me 5 times I’ve finally got strength to leave him so hopefully I can keep going melamine thankyou so so much you’ve given me this strength I’m still afraid 😨 😱 but I’ll keep going blessings sasy x

  2. Peter, I wish you all the best at your court date. It seems like you are doing all the right things.

    Melanie, thank you for your continuing education, inspiration, and what feels like a direct conduit to a sort of love-of-fellow-human that I almost feel like I’m discovering for the first time on this Earth. This gives me strength to continue and for that I am deeply grateful.

    They will always need more than we have to offer or give. WE have OURSELVES!

    1. Thank you Man from California!
      Thank you for your kind wishes! I went to court and things went okay! Everything was done on zoom so I didn’t have to be in her physical proximity but she was still there and still the same but I made it through and was encouraged with the results of this particular meeting.
      This has been going on for four years now with no end in sight but the judge did say that things need to start moving along….
      I was able to maintain composure and a form of presence and did everything that Melanie has suggested to do in situations like this and it helped!
      PS! I enjoy reading your comments that you have shared with all of us!

  3. I’m sure we all wish you well Peter.May you find the inner strength and peace of mind that you need tomorrow.I have been through similar and I was calm and found my inner peace to put my case.The judge was on my side but the only way you could say my ex husband won was that he dropped dead of sepsis two days after the hearing and I never got a penny ,but I was in a new life with my now soul mate by then whom I’ve been happily married to for 5 years now.Best of luck to you

    1. Hi Shelly!
      Wow! That’s incredible! I’m so glad you have found a new life and a new partner for yourself
      Thank you so very much for making a comment here! Many blessings to you! πŸ’ž

  4. Hi Peter,
    So many of us have been in this position re going to court and we know you can triumph too.
    I would suggest making no eye contact with the Narc(aka Shark!) at all. Direct all your attention to the Judge. Be calm and positive and know that we are all with you. Put up your β€œForce Field β€œ of Narp Protection and know that she can’t penetrate it to get to you. No matter the outcome you have already won by being free!

    1. Hi Tammi!
      Things went OK! I did not make eye contact with the judge but I had to listen to the narcissist and her narc lawyer continue with their slandering and attempts to belittle me but I wasn’t really phased for some reason or another!
      I know that practicing NARP helped me through this! πŸ™Œ
      Thank you so much for saying that you would be there! 🌟 That is so special! 🌻
      Sending love and blessings to you! πŸ’ž

  5. Hi, Melanie,

    I always learn and grow when I watch your videos. Thank you for all that you share and do.

    I have such a hard time with some of the teachings, because, to me, nothing is black and white. There is so much nuance, so much gray area in life. It seems that narcissism exists on a spectrum. And, almost everyone I know has at least some of these traits, some of the time, and depending on the situation or person they are with. Including me!

    I have someone in my life right now that I struggle to understand. He has a lot of these traits. But, I’m not sure he is a full on narcissist. He is slippery with the truth (putting it mildly), dodges and weaves, and definitely love bombs and hoovers if I begin to pull away. He has way too many female ‘friends’ and queens in his castle, but, will deny, deny, deny that any of them are romantic partners.

    But, I’m not sure if he is a narcissist. And, at this point, I don’t know if it matters, he is clearly unhealthy for me and I shouldn’t be around him.

    All that to say/ask… how are we to know for sure if someone is a narcissist? Is being a narcissist worse somehow than just being an asshole or a cheater or a pathological liar? Does it matter that we recognize narcissism or should we call out or run from even these traits in everyone who exhibits them, no matter how slight?

    Thank you for clarifying and for your time.

    1. Hi Flower Child,

      you are very welcome πŸ™‚

      Please know “what” someone else is or isn’t is not at all important. What is, is healing ourselves, aligning with our values and boundaries and generating what is true and real for ourselves.

      This is what IS black and white,

      and it all comes down to doing the inner work, so that we are no longer trying to work out other people – which we really can’t do – other than defining whether or not they have the desire, capacity and resources to meet us at a level of true, healthy relationship. Without this we dont have a healthy relationship – and we absolutely need to be able to be a generative source of this ourselves (the inner work gets us there).

      Have you checked out my new 2 part masterclass? It can help you so much in the understanding of this http://www.healrecoverthrive.com

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’žπŸ¦‹

    2. For what it’s worth, though I’ve experienced a great deal of narcissistic abuse as a victim of a bigger badder monster, and thus it’s helpful for me to read up on how to process it (and there aren’t really any articles for or by narcs on how to heal lol), I definitely, definitely have always been more on the narcissistic end of the spectrum, personally. Like, at least 70% NPD by volume, give or take some levels of toxicity and/or violence which I refuse to go to. In other words, I sound kinda like that guy. So, with that said, here’s my two cents:

      While I, personally, have worked to heal-from-within, it is for MY reasons, and it is IN NO WAY with the end goal of being good, loving, OR useful in an intimate or even friendly sense to anyone BUT myself or people who resonate deeply with what my Inner Self — who is STILL narcissistic — needs. I am in fact “just like this” due to a limited range of emotional processing, and a truly NATURAL aversion to a lot of things which normal human bonding continges on. People really do get built different sometimes, and that’s that. In other words, similar to non-narcs, I DO need to heal from within, and I DO need to be true to myself. But this is always going to be different from how non-narcs heal or what their goals are.

      Unlike most narcs, I would prefer to go abuse-free and live a clean, healthy life with mutually loving, uplifting, beneficial, and fulfilling relationships. Unlike most NORMAL people, my idea of what that means and entails is a bit different, and my patience threshold for other people’s needs and desires is much, much lower. I can barely tolerate playing nice with somebody who can’t “serve my needs” for more than 10 minutes, so I tend to politely distance myself very quickly from just about everybody.

      So, I’d advise you not to attempt to heal or try to make amends with someone whose needs are not mutually compatible with your own, especially not somebody with a notable amount of narc traits. Even IF, and that’s a BIG if, they’re a narc who is willing and able to heal, I can almost guarantee that not only will your participation in their healing NOT help you, they will not enjoy your presence in that sphere and might even HIGHLY resent it. I’m very unhappy when “normal people” attempt to love and connect with me in “normal ways,” because whether they know or understand why or not, their idea of a healthy, safe, and loving bond absolutely is not and cannot be the same as mine. It’s the same as trying to force ANY type of person to do something that they don’t enjoy, for the purpose of gratifying another person. It feels bad. For example, even if you love kids, trying to force someone who hates them into having kids with you will only make things much worse for all parties involved.

      I’m unwilling to disclose the kinds of people with whom I CAN have mutually loving and rewarding relationships because I don’t want to sow false hope or tacitly encourage injured parties to attempt to adopt a false self in order to appease a narcissist, or even overextend past their natural comfort threshold. Like I said, it’s a bad idea, and MOST forms of normal human connection (for me, at least) feel like unwanted advances (and I’d suspect it’s the same for most narcs, unless we can leverage them into a form of tool that we can use. I personally do not consider that lifestyle worthwhile, but most narcs do, and few know of any other options anyway). And there is no form of unwanted advances OR being used as a tool that will ever be healthy, fun, safe, or sane. But, what I CAN say is, these are relationships founded on mutual respect and prosocial principles, so I can at least reassure any concerned readers that there isn’t any doubling down and getting even more toxic in private with enablers.

      It is my personal belief that it is best to focus less on rehabilitating a narcissist for intimate relationships, and more on providing sustainable strategies for community participation, and that will always have more to do with streamlining society itself in a prosocial direction than attempting to heal the heart of anyone who shows a high amount of narcissistic traits. My relationships were begun after I had begun to heal on my own, and are perpetuated through voluntary cooperation on my part, and involve a great deal of routine check-ins on my part, and an insistence on clarity, respect, and communication. This is because I chose that. For many reasons, most narcissists don’t, and probably won’t.

      So, I’d suggest redirecting your desire to see the best in him onto ways in which to facilitate a healthier community where people LIKE him can be seen in the big picture for what AND who they are, without punishing or abusing them for it, nor putting any innocent individual at risk in the process. It is my belief that both demonizing AND attempting to heal narcissists worsen the issue, but much like cleaning up a city park, a cleaner space is a cleaner society.

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