Melanie Tonia Evans

8 Signs You Are Suffering From Narcissistic Abuse

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 18
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Many people are not sure whether or not they are suffering from narcissistic abuse. Cognitive dissonance and the confusion that goes with abuse can have a lot to do with this.

Today I want to grant you eight signs to know that you are suffering narcissistic abuse, so that not only can you have clarity, but also you know where to go from here.

If this is your first time dealing with narcissistic abuse, you may not realise that by the time you’re suffering these eight signs things are serious, and if you don’t get clarity and start making decisions to protect yourself it’s going to get much worse.

Those of you who are going through this again, like myself and many others did twice or more, we really need to face up to the facts about what toxic relationships look like and who we need to be to get out of them and stay out of them.

This is exactly what today’s article is all about – the awareness and solutions to empower you up and out of narcissistic abuse. Please know this article is about absolutely any narcissist in your life – all the signs apply to any toxic relationship such as a spouse, lover, family member, neighbour or friend. Anyone.

 

Number 1: Your Relationship Is Not Kind, Caring Or Sane

Now, this is where we need to get really clear. Toxic relationships can be very confusing at times, making it difficult to know ‘who is who in the zoo’. This happens because a toxic person will spin it back on you, blame you and will not be accountable.

I really want to say this about the first of the eight signs that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse: if someone hurts you and is not capable of a genuine apology, and you keep hanging out with this person, they will continue to hurt you. They will never be remorseful and, of course, will continue the same behaviour.

We do need to understand what out-of-bounds behaviour is. It can range all the way from name-calling to physical abuse; to mental abuse and pathological lying; to having no regard for your property or the people you care about … the list goes on and on.

I have included here a link to my article Are You With a Narcissist?  so that you can get very clear about what narcissistic behaviours are.

If you are in a relationship with a person who repeats out-of-bound behaviours that are violating and hurtful, first of all know our Inner Being always registers this! This means you are being abused. If this person makes false or non-existent apologies, has no respect or care for your feelings, blames you for the problems, and even smears you to others telling them you are the bad guy or girl and that it is he or she who is being abused, then this is absolutely narcissistic.

The Truth About This

People either have a decent character or they don’t. We are not going to change who people are – it is us who needs to change for us to have any chance of a healthy, loving and happy life.

That entails letting go of our connection to someone like this, healing ourselves by doing the inner work, and getting very clear about our own self-love, self-worth, boundaries and how to generate real, loving and responsible adult relationships in the future.

A person like this simply does not have the resources to grant us this – but we can.

Now let’s look at the second sign that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse.

 

Number 2: You Are Dealing With Immature Behaviour and Give Up Pieces of Yourself To Comply

A hallmark of narcissistic relationships is this person gets bent out of shape on hair-line triggers that mature adults just don’t get upset about. Also, they believe they are entitled to and expect preferential treatment, and can be nasty, demanding, punishing and even explosive if they don’t receive it.

You discover that there are certain things you just can’t naturally or normally talk about. Likewise, there are things that you would normally be free to do, that may be unacceptable or risky now.

Maybe if this person doesn’t get their own way, they will abandon you or threaten to leave you, and again you start doing things outside of your comfort and value systems to stop this happening.

Often your inner being is screaming ‘no’ when the narcissist asks for something, but you know what could take place if you don’t comply, so you give up your time, resources, and even life, trying to keep this person happy, which ironically doesn’t work and the walking on broken glass doesn’t stop either.

The Truth About This

You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t, and it doesn’t matter how many shapes you twist yourself into, they are still not happy.

You will never make this person happy, and it’s not your job to either. Your true soul mission is to align with the truth of your soul and then you will serve others and life in holistic and healthy ways. By staying with someone like this, not only are you being destroyed but you are also hurting the people who care about you. By staying with them and trying to please them, you are enabling this person to continue being an abuser.

No one wins in the healthy stakes in this dynamic.

Okay, so the third sign that you are suffering from narcissistic abuse is this…

 

Number 3: You Are Angry, Disjointed and Are Behaving In Ways That You Normally Don’t

I believe a good indication that you are being narcissistically abused is seeing the discrepancy with how you feel with this person in relation to your everyday dealings with other people.

If you know that you have integrity, can listen, have empathy, are capable of having sane conversations and get along with most people in your life, and yet there is ‘this’ person who brings out the worst in you – this is generally because your boundaries are being violated and the normal modes of human operations don’t stand.

The circular arguments you are having make your head spin, because they go around and around on unrelated tangents – points that make no sense. Narcissists use these tactics when confronted, or they argue with you to manipulate you into something unwholesome:

Toxic people:

  • make excuses for their behaviour.
  • minimise an incident altogether.
  • accuse someone else of wrongdoing.
  • confuse you with antics or trivia to take you off the subject.
  • use allies, real or fabricated, to back up their argument.
  • use ‘tit for tat’ behaviours relating to something you did in the past.
  • state how disloyal your accusations of them are.
  • discredit your observations, owing to your ‘unstable’ past.

And the list goes on and ON! You feel like your head is spinning and the frustration, pain and trauma is beyond intense.

The Truth About This

Please get VERY clear about this – when you are enmeshed with a sick person, you get sick.

If you are experiencing these type of instances in your relationship, it is time to pull away, get away and heal. You may not realise it, but what you are doing is granting what this person wants – the drama and significance of knowing they can hook you in and affect you so much. It’s called narcissistic supply. You need to cut this off to have any chance of getting your soul and life back.

 

Number 4: You Find Yourself Trying To Prove That You Are A Good Person

Because the narcissist is regularly accusing you of all the things that they are and do, such as lacking integrity and love and care for people, being unfaithful, lying, making it all about yourself, wanting to use people for your own gain, etc., naturally you will be incensed and try extremely hard to prove and convince them otherwise.

You will be shocked at the allegations regarding things that you don’t do and aren’t capable of doing, which, in actual fact, you know are what the narcissist does.

You may have said in total shock and horror to the narcissist, ‘Do you have a mirror?’ or ‘You have no idea who I am’ or ‘If you really think that about me, why are you with me?’

The Truth About This

This is another deadly hook that narcissists can get us enmeshed with them on. If we believe that our integrity, character, wellbeing and safety is dependent on what other people think of us, then we are really susceptible to this narcissistic behaviour.

To truly heal we need to detach from other people who have warped versions of us and then heal inside to get to the solid place of knowing. It’s only our version of ourselves that is vital. And when we are true to our ‘self’, who and what is healthy will follow, and those that don’t we will easily leave alone.

 

Number 5: You Are Mopping Up the Messes

Being connected with a narcissist has lots of drama, rough edges and quite frankly means that disasters are always looming.

Narcissists usually aren’t good with detail, accountability or sensibility. They fly high, seeking narcissistic supply and acclaim with not much thought for ‘doing the right thing’. It’s normal to have all sorts of things pop up as a result of the narcissist’s loose and non-accountable behaviour, which of course is always someone else’s fault.

If your life is connected with one of these people, it is usual that you will be paying their fines, sorting out their messes and dramas, and even lying for them to cover their tracks.

It’s like this analogy – as you are watering their back lawn trying to keep it green, yours gets parched, turns brown and dies.

The Truth About This

This is how narcissists roll, and this is what happens to the sensible, well-meaning, responsible people who narcissists like to recruit into their lives.

Know that when you are emptied out you will be discarded and the narcissist will then find some other good, responsible person to take on the mopping-up task for them.

One of the greatest gifts of our recovery, when we walk away from people like this and do the inner work, is we learn how to be responsible for ourselves and generate lives with people who take responsibility, and we stop enabling people who don’t.

By walking away, healing and re-starting our life with self-responsibility – being left to ‘mop up messes’ won’t happen to us again.

 

Number 6 – Your Boundaries Are Being Disintegrated

In a relationship with a narcissist you will find it difficult to speak up, stand up for yourself or hold boundaries. And when you try to do so, you are criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished.

To try to minimalise the trauma and mayhem that breaks out – you start to give up on trying to assert your needs.

Or maybe, because you have dissolved into so many feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and despair, you find yourself begging or pleading for your boundaries to be respected. Discovering that the narcissist has zero empathy for you and won’t comply, takes you down into an even deeper place of helplessness.

The Truth About This

It’s extremely common for people with poor boundaries to get involved with narcissists. When we get away and start healing and recovering our True Selves, we can become someone who has a healthy boundary function.

Then we know going forward that it isn’t about other people getting our boundaries, rather it is about us knowing our values, limits and truths; and if people can’t respect that, then these people can’t be in our life – no matter who they are.

For most of us this is our most important recovery work – because when we were young we weren’t able to establish and develop our inner truth, values and needs.

 

Number 7: You Feel Addicted, Disjointed and Manic

A perverse addiction happens with narcissists. There are many reasons we get trauma-bonded to them, and I’m sharing these resources on trauma bonding and peptide addiction to help you understand what it is all about.

Trauma Bonding – Is It Love Or Something Else?

The Answer To Narcissistic Abuse That No One Is Talking About  – Peptide Addiction

Suffice to say, before you understand what is going on with you physiologically – meaning within the cells in your literal body, which is hijacking 95% of your feelings, thoughts and your nervous system – you may feel manic and unable to stop trying to contact or hook back up with the narcissist, even when you know how much you continually get hurt by doing so.

We can be horrified with how addicted we are to someone who treats us so terribly. It just doesn’t make logical sense, hence why you really need to look at these resources above that I have provided you with.

I have had ex-heroin addicts tell me that getting off a narcissist is ten times harder than getting off heroin. After going through the horrifying narcissistic addiction myself, which nearly claimed my life, I can see what they mean.

The Truth About This

It is of course very serious when it gets to a stage where we simply can’t talk ourselves out of doing the actions that we know are putting ourselves back into the fire to get burnt again.

Deep inner healing in our subconscious is so necessary to start shifting out the trauma; to be able to be in our inner beings with ourselves, self-soothing, looking after ourselves and no longer handing power away in ways that are dangerous and possibly even tragically self-disintegrating.

 

Number 8: You Are Suffering Abuse Symptoms

Things are now very serious. When our emotional Inner Being has been screaming out for our attention and we haven’t as yet pulled away and turned inwards to heal and tend to our own soul and life-force, then physically we start breaking down for our soul to fully get our attention.

It is likely that anxiety and depression, and even greater issues like fibromyalgia, adrenal issues, PTSD and agoraphobia, start to develop. You lose interest in the activities, people and self-care, which used to grant you energy, as the toxic person in your life takes up more and more of your energy and focus.

As we get stripped away more and more, and keep handing our power, energy and attention away only to become less and less, the shame and pain becomes so great that we may start hiding out from the world, lying to people, covering up and feel even more isolated in our traumatic feelings and symptoms.

The Truth About This

How bad does it have to get before we awaken to the truth?

If we stay things get worse. And if we leave and don’t attend to our inner healing, things get worse.

We may lose a lot by leaving, as many of us have, however, by leaving we can achieve the greatest gain – finally turning inwards to integrate with ourselves so that we are in a position of wholeness and can be in control of our choices and have the power to look after ourselves and create a healthy, happy and truly loving life.

 

In Conclusion

Okay, please know this – there are varying degrees of narcissism and there also are people who can just be clueless and selfish but not necessarily afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

If someone in your life does not share your values and doesn’t care for your feelings, then this is not a healthy relationship for you. As soon as we try changing other people, it’s time to pull away and say to ourselves and them, ‘This is who I am and what I need for us to continue.’

The person then either steps up, because they wish to change and meet us there or doesn’t – and if they don’t, we care and love people enough, regardless of who they are, to let them have their version of life for themselves – even if it is not what we want.

But the real question is: Are YOU whole enough to walk away if they don’t or can’t meet you where you are at?

That’s the Thriver development that we all need to do if we are to be whole and safe and powerful regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.

That’s my favourite personal inner work, and I love to help others get there too – hence why I’m inviting you now to join me in my 16-day free course, which you can access immediately by clicking this link.

Or if you think you are truly ready to heal for real from abuse, I’d love to guide you every step of the way in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

Please share this article with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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57 Thoughts on 8 Signs You Are Suffering From Narcissistic Abuse
  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen
    June 10, 2019

    All of the above, except agoraphobia. But I was paranoid regarding all women as dangerous predators.

    • bonnigates@bigpond.com'
      Bonnie Gates
      June 10, 2019

      WOW, that is exactly how I feel only in reverse. I feel I can never trust a male again. Its vey sad.

    • pamelalward@comcast.net'
      Pamela Ward
      July 11, 2019

      I feel the same way about men. I will not date and have no plans to. I watch shows on ID Discovery channel to remind me how horrible people can be and so I don’t fall prey again I consciously reinforce my fear to protect myself and my only son. To protect myself and those close to me I reinforce my belief that everyone could be a predator- maybe they are my coworkers?! I’m hyper- vigilant and always trying to find something wrong, not right in the people in my life. I’m so afraid because I do not want to get physically harmed. I almost lost my life. He strangled me twice. I couldn’t believe he was capable because he was a well respected neurologist. In short, I never want to be so stupid again.

    • naskil600@gmail.com'
      Daniel
      August 27, 2019

      Omg… I’m literally scared to death of women after a year and a month being married to a narc and having her 20yr old and 37yr old sons live with us. I don’t know if I’ll ever break out of my shell I put myself in. I’m afraid I’ve lost me forever and I love this woman with all I have. I never could figure out we she was so sweet to her son’s and I was so left out until one of them needed something. Is life even worth it if this is all you get in return from giving your all?

    • nervoustigerchow@aol.com'
      Jumpin’ Jake Flash
      September 14, 2019

      I am so screwed. No one can help me or my two boys. My wife is the worst dominatrix Hollywood has ever seen. It’s our 21st anniversary this month, and I couldn’t care less. My sons, and I, have depression. My wife has every narc symptom in the book. I want to jump off a cliff, literally.

  • cluffy4@hotmail.com'
    Carol
    June 10, 2019

    I just briefly read the 8 signs headings….. I’m floored. Yes. All of these. You nailed it. check, Check, and CHECK. So very sad that this is my reality. So very glad the lightbulb moment happened and I removed this person from my life. The aftermath has been hard, but staying would have killed me from the stress. Thank you for all you do, Mel. You are helping countless people regain their lives and I’m sure you have saved some lives too. Much love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2019

      Hi Carol,

      Thank goodness you did let go.

      Sending healing, blessings and breakthroughs to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • bjkennels@gjr.net.au'
    jacki warren
    June 10, 2019

    thank you darls… i am now ready….

  • tarrawright@hotmail.com'
    Tarra
    June 10, 2019

    I too just briefly read the headings… everyone hits home! I broke it off 7 months ago, slipped once and took him back for 2 weeks… he was worse than ever!!! Never again!! But I still just recently started thinking about that horrible 5 1/2 yrs , and I’m getting depressed. I wasn’t depressed when I broke it off , so why now? Shouldn’t it be getting better, not worse!? I have guys interested in dating and I’m sooo scared that there’s something wrong with me and I’ll scare them off!! Like what did I ever do to deserve this abuse from this guy????? They say it’s a lesson, well it’s one hell of a lesson!!!

    • shar59.sc@gmail.com'
      Shar
      June 10, 2019

      Hi Tarra, One of the reasons you could be feeling depressed is because of the addiction we develop to the Narcissist. Mel mentions it in the blog. Its the peptides we have become so used to. A very interesting and insightful aspect into how they ‘get’ to us. Its worth looking into. I promise it gets better. We get to understand so much about ourselves. Best wishes on your journey to you. Shar xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2019

      Hi Tarra,

      It is so true that leaving is only the beginning. The real recovery starts in our inner healing work – that is necessary in our subconscious programs and the releasing of trauma to go free from the pain.

      That is what all of my Thriver Recivery work is about, and you check out the answers and relief you can gain here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this can help you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • shar59.sc@gmail.com'
    Shar
    June 10, 2019

    Hi Mel,
    I remember when I first read these signs having no idea what I had been dealing with for many years. That was 6 months ago and it floored me. The shock was tremendous but I finally knew what was going on in my marriage. It was liberating and when I put the question to him that ‘this is what I needed and looked to him to make the effort for the sake of our marriage’ he simply put it all back on me. ‘It was my problem!’ That’s when I knew that I had to get out and get out I did. And to this day there is no accountability on his part. He is the victim. I am the problem and he tells everyone.
    I am beyond that now. I don’t care what others think anymore because I know and I love myself again. I am so much stronger.
    Its been hard however, its the best thing I have ever done for myself. I have grown so much in 6 months especially being a member of NARP. The support and learning how to care for my inner self has been life changing. I am so happy and proud of myself and I am doing it all on my own.
    I look back now and see that I could never go back to that. I am evolving now and not dissolving. I hope that this helps others. Thank you Mel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2019

      Hi Shar,

      How great that you got clear, asked for what you needed, and got your true answer.

      I love that you are on NARP and healing and evolving you.

      Sending continued blessings and breakthroughs to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    • cacurvesbikini@sbcglobal.net'
      Jewel
      June 11, 2019

      Hi Shar, Is his name Craig? Does he live in Paso Robles, Ca.?

  • Lefty_heeler@yahoo.com'
    Amy
    June 10, 2019

    I am now in the ‘boomerang’ part of the narc relationship; I have enough and decide to leave, then slowly change my mind and come back to it. I keep thinking maybe this time it will be better? Deep down I feel it won’t. It is very difficult- I’ve been with this person 25 years and moving on is not how I had planned my future. It is very tough to go through the constant stress. I’m trying hard this time to stay with my resolve but already making excuses why I should wait to get a place. Yikes.

    • arc123094@gmail.com'
      Carol G Johnson
      June 13, 2019

      I was with my narcissist for 27 years. Escaped last year. Left my home, moved 250 miles away so he couldn’t drop by. We owned a business. I left it to him in divorce. Getting Alimony instead of a buyout. Started NARP last year. I am returning to the person I always was. I am 100% better off now. I encourage you to cry your tears, get mad, and move on. I am 71 years old and life is just beginning. Good luck. You can do it!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 14, 2019

        Hi Carol,

        This is so wonderful you have taken your power back and used NARP to help you, you are so inspiring!

        Sending you continued blessings and breakthrough.

        Much love to you

        Mel 🙏💕♥️

    • elybrown@gmail.com'
      Ely
      August 6, 2019

      I’m going through the same thing…after 12.5 years…I’ve left and come back about 4 times. He is now going for counselling, after a huge public argument about nothing…so just waiting to see if that helps…the therapist wants to do one-on-one sessions with him for his childhood trauma, which I am glad about. At least he is taking some responsibility. I am going to see if he makes any significant changes. I hope we can be a one in a million case.

  • Kawkaw999@hotmail.com'
    Kat
    June 10, 2019

    Great article Melanie! I’ve learned so much. I never really knew about or believed I’d be someone who stood for emotional abuse. I assumed abuse was only when you’re getting punched out. Until I stepped away I didn’t realize how much Id been experiencing from the very beginning. Especially the silent treatment… That is a huge huge huge red flag. I will never tolerate somebody doing that to me… And I think that is often one of the first things they pull on us. It can come in many forms- the oh I didn’t get your phone call-Or oh I forgot to call you. Or you didn’t get my email? I sent it… No they didn’t. The not paying attention to you at a party or something. Etc.

    The addiction keeps us hooked-the cognitive dissonance. Shoot -I started thinking maybe I need to Lower my standards and thinking maybe I’ve just been living in a Pollyanna dream my entire life until I met this person. I was so messed up i was ready to flip my character because the narcissist made it seem like I should accept this type of behavior. I was like-jeez-Maybe this is the price you have to pay to be in a relationship.
    But my normal healthy self would compare-and think what would my brothers think of this person… My brothers live across the country so never met this person in four years… Or what would my parents have thought of this person. And it was not very positive- and deep down I finally knew- I thought do I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody like this? Do I want to go into my old age with this person who barely can support me emotionally at all…NO.
    But even after knowing that I was addicted – and telling them straight out I’m really not in love with you I’m more addicted… I still stuck around for a year?
    It’s guess it was just so unfathomable that an adult of almost 60 years old runs their life like this! Or MAYBE Something would somehow get better or change. Never did and I’m sure the new person is already getting some of the same stuff I did…But the new person seems like a bit of a jerk to you so could be some good fist fights in that relationship.

    I love all the work you do Melanie… The more people you get it out in front of the better. I was entirely clueless – Even though I was googling mental health disorders within six months of being involved with this person I still was tricked by their Jekyll and Hyde… and I am over 50! My therapist was like… I can’t believe you’ve never met one of these or been involved with one before. And I’m like no I guess I was lucky that I have previously selected nice good people to Be friends with and to date and my close family members are not mentally ill. I was lucky. Until that one. Now I have to find my way back to that nice happy go lucky person I used to be.… Getting there but it’s been almost 2 years recovery really… It’s a twister a real mind bender. Good luck to you all!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2019

      Hi Kat,

      I am so pleased my information is helping bring clarity to you.

      It’s so empowering to understand that narcissists are merely delivering the evidence of our unresolved wounds.. Yours as example have been the ones of being invalidated with silent treatment.

      Mine were brought to my attention through controlling engulfers.

      It’s truly not about seeing the ‘warning signs’ it’s about healing our inner unresolved previous traumas wedged in our subconscious, and then we get out of the pain, attachments and unfinished business with these people.

      Make sense?

      Recovery is so much more a direct fast and successful path when you use NARP.

      You don’t need to keep suffering and struggling truly. Check it out: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this helps and sending love and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
    Robyne McKay
    June 10, 2019

    I have been watching life based series lately and allot of the serious and at times heinous crimes are committed by narcissists who in my mind are on the sociopath/psychopath scale.

    After studying this path for the last couple of years with your blogs and articles Melanie, I notice how often these people are predators who look and actively seek people that are lonely/isolated/needy. They seem to have a well honed radar.. scary..

    I still find it quite shocking, even after being involved with at least 2 Narcs myself and unwillingly having to admit my daughter is one as well, which always fills my heart as a mother with such anguish and despair and self blame.

    I have gone no contact with my daughter for over a year, yet I still cannot rest easy with it. My life has been so peaceful since I did,
    the agoraphobia has gone, the anti depressants gone, I look after my body more, I laugh a little more, sing a little, dance a little, but my heart remains troubled.

    I don’t wake in terror anymore, I dont have that constant fear of what is about to happen controlling my life. The drama has gone… OMG Melanie… thank goodness for your work. Each time one of your emails comes through I make the time to read and absorb the lessons. Changed my life and those around me, I didn’t realise fully how much the people that do love me suffered watching me being hurt and abused…

    All gone for good now and never to return. Forever grateful..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2019

      Awww Robyne,

      Yours has not been an easy path, and I am so pleased my material has been able to help you.

      That would have been such a difficult decision for you, albeit absolutely the right one to make.

      That is so good that you are honouring you.

      Sending further blessings and breakthroughs to you and for your recovery.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • williumarthur@hotmail.com'
    Richard
    June 10, 2019

    Melanie. You are so good you need to go on your own. TV. Show. So every body can learn. But then the Narc will also learn too. And change colour. Perhaps Not. keep doing your great work And spread the good news on how to escape.

  • leftymagoo52@gmail.com'
    Roger
    June 10, 2019

    “…there are varying degrees of narcissism and there also are people who can just be clueless and selfish but not necessarily afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder .” Mel speaks from a place of personal experience and this quote from the “8 signs you are suffering from narcissistic abuse “ really describes my situation. I fully appreciate that most Thrivers in the NARP program are women but as a man suffering in a sexless marriage for well over 10 years now, I believe that my relationship with my spouse is and will always be in the “grey” area. I don’t believe that leaving her and finding another person will make me any happier. Mel’s idea of “ so within so without “ has become my mantra, so to speak. I’ve decided to stay here and work on and within Melanie’s NARP program. I also meditate regularly with Craig Hamilton’s Awakened Enlightenment Program that Melanie had recommended. The meditation is always occurring. I just need to get out of my own way and just let it happen!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 11, 2019

      Hi Roger,

      It’s so great that you are doing the inner work and please know there are more and more men coming into the community.

      Sending blessings and breakthroughs to you as the generative source of your own experience.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
    Iris
    June 10, 2019

    Narcissistic Abuse is a death experience of Cosmic proportions. But it is only the beginning of a NEW DAY.

    I am so glad to see that this world is waking up to a fuller expression of its DIVINE RIGHT to live in pure bliss and is learning to DEMAND Love through Melanie’s the recovery program and tools.

    NARCS have enlisted to help us wake up. They did not DO anything to MAKE us hurt, they opened up closets and basements and forgotten storage areas that we thought we could ignore, run away from, or bury! We thought we could hide our need to be loved, valued, cherished and regarded as dearly as life itself. We need to be loved. This is nothing to be ashamed of.

    The dark, painful, self forgetfulness had always been there – the NARC just made it impossible to ignore. I AM GRATEFUL that I had to face myself.

    Instead of a victim or target of Narcissistic abuse, I see I am rather one of many who are ready to UPLEVEL to what it really means to LOVE and BE LOVED on … Earth.

    It was a PRIVILEGE to have had this experience / opportunity to die to the old ancient way of thinking and be born into a freer, wider, more expansive understanding of ALL MANKIND’s Core, Essential TRUTH and LOVE need. We are made out of Love and we need Love to exist. I am not ashamed to say this. Pretentiousness and arrogance cannot stand. We are supposed to Love deeply. The NARCS cannot change this fact that’s why they lose.

    From the time of Adam and Eve, narcissism has been tolerated, promoted, championed and even engineered into fabric of political and social codes. Adam did it. But he ran and hid. When confronted, he denied responsibility and blamed GOD by accusing Him of having given him Eve!

    Eve admitted wrongdoing and faced God.

    However, in Religion – in male oriented hermeneutics – Salvation is about ADAM! And “God” is Father, Lord and King – all masculine.

    But a revolution is on and modern scholarship is unable to hide that these “male” terms for Diety are not totally accurate in referring to the Godhead! Our entire Cosmology has to be revised. We are living a glorious Awakening – we are in labor. We are in a generation that has ‘ the Cloud’ – internet- and we can bring TRUTH to light.

    We must admit now – especially as women find their voices – that “God” or DIVINITY is Male AND Female and we cannot continue to exist in a paradigm that despises an attribute of DIVINITY and its role in Creation while giving credit only to externalized, superficial aspects of Life.

    “Narc recovery” is the world in labor pains. All evil, error and darkness and ignorance the pain has stirred up has to be purged from within as we re-instate gentle LOVE as consciousness, as essential, as CORE of whatever can be esteemed as SUCCESS: LOVE WINS. LOVE – as spiritual quality is valued and recognized as Worthy of Praise, admiration and worship. Not fancy cars, hot looks, or arrogance. LOVE. COSMIC LOVE.

    Our healing is for ALL MANKIND – it is not just personal. We are engaged in Cosmic Awakening to the value of pure Love as essential to all human relationships… ESPECIALLY the relationship WITH OURSELVES. Full Love integration before WE start blaming others too for our experience.

    Up until recently, mankind was rewarded for being Narcissistic – it was a WIN/LOSE dichotomy. People who married such winners were proud …even while suffering in silence. But today, we are able to share and speak up and question everything – including the paradigm WIN/LOSE. We are recovering the dominion given at Creation to EVERYONE to LOVE and replenish (refresh) the Earth.

    We are actually ushering in a New Heaven and a New Earth. Nothing has happened to us that is outside of our God’s control. We are safe in the passage from darkness to light. It is only labor pains. Phoenix rising.

    Let’s Keep breathing. The best is truly yet to come. We don’t just ‘recover’ we are fully RESTORED to the ORIGINAL BEAUTY of PURE LOVE.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 11, 2019

      Wow Iris,

      Oh so true! What an awakening and birth canal it is, and what a privilege to be here at this time.

      I soooooo love all of it. As I know you do too. Thank you for your wise and powerful post.

      Bless you sister traveller.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • tinkletaylor@hotmail.com'
    Heidi Austin
    June 11, 2019

    I am so addicted & ashamed of myself for being so weak today I am laying in bed every bit if my body is twitching & yearning for that 1 phone call,1 text .
    I kept myself busy all weekend but he was consciously on my mind .
    Why do I keep thinking I can make this work.We both have had very traumatic childhoods but it always seems to be me working on myself .We do not live together anymore because of his alcoholism.
    I was abandoned as a baby & continually throughout my life the abandmont feeling absolutely destroys me .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 11, 2019

      Awww Heidi,

      My heart goes out to you. Please know myself and so many others know how that soul devastation feels like. We have been there.

      Sweetheart please know that pattern and trauma that has been in repeat can be targeted and released and thus you heal beyond it.

      Then you just wont be addicted anymore to ‘the people I love abandon me’.

      Please go to NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp it is exactly how myself and others broke free, saved our souls and entered lives that were safe and wholesome.

      Sending you strength, support and love- and please know with NARP you have free lifetime membership in the NARP Forum where the best minds, hearts and successful people in n-abuse recovery are, to help you every step of the way.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      This is your way out of this.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • cacurvesbikini@sbcglobal.net'
    Jewel
    June 11, 2019

    Hi Shar, Is his name Craig? Does he live in Paso Robles, Ca.?

  • jimsitter0001@gmail.com'
    Jim
    June 11, 2019

    Wow, nailed it 100% as all your articles. I’ve experienced everything to the letter. But your thriver resources and modules did so much to help me recover and I am enjoying such a beautiful and supportive marriage with an incredibly kind, wise, and loving woman.
    If anyone is wondering or hesitating, there is so much love and support in the thriver community for you- don’t wait another minute to join…and if your abuse has left you so devastated that you can’t rub two nickels together, you will still find the help you need. I sure did.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 11, 2019

      Hi Jim,

      It is do great to see more and more men doing the inner NARP work! http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I’m thrilled for your breakthrough and the love that you are healthily sharing with your beautiful partner.

      So within, so without Dear Man – you have so deserved this!

      Much blessings and love to both of you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • mollie.whitson@yahoo.com'
    Mollie
    June 11, 2019

    Wow this hit home with every member of my family.I have always been the outcast and this opened my eyes and I clearly understand what the problems are. Starts with my birth mother all the way down to my oldest son.I only pray my youngest son doesnt get roped into their bull.Thanks Mel!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 11, 2019

      I’m so pleased this resonated with you Mollie.

      Sending healing and love to you and your loved ones.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • azucarlilly7@hotmail.com'
    Natalie
    June 11, 2019

    Hi Melanie
    Imdon’t know if I am dealing with a full on narcissist but I definitely feel some if not all of the symptoms except agoraphobia. I am in a situation where this person who is my boss and who I believed wqs my friend. She is also my prayer group leader. I have felt so hurt by things she said and did in the last 4 years that I no longer care to be around her. The last thing she did was shout at me for not telling her that a particular student’s father died on the very day it happened. I stood up for myself and she apologised but I don’t want to be around her anymore. She prays for my family. She seems kind but I just can’t. I think I need help

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 11, 2019

      Hi Natalie,

      We truly do know when our boundaries are being violated, and it doesn’t matter ‘who’ that person is who is doing it.

      Our healing is in reprogramming that part of ourselves which is struggling with being in personal power, having boundaries and being willing to lose it all to get it all – meaning walking away to healthier generative experiences rather than continue to be abused.

      One person in our life is always the catalyst showing us a part within ourselves which needs healing, so even if we did walk away without addressing this, another ‘identical’ person will present to show us our necessary evolution.

      Have you checked out my inner transformational resources?

      That’s a really good starting place to start healing this and taking back your power: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Tuesday
    June 11, 2019

    This is such a brilliant article Mel and I thank you for reminding me/us again and again and again of these points, but today with exceptional pertinence.
    Many, many thanks again and love to you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 11, 2019

      Awww Tuesday,

      Thank you for your lovely words.

      Bless and you are so welcome.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • ka.cardinale@hotmail.com'
    KathyAAC
    June 11, 2019

    Numbers 2, 6 and 8. Spot on.

  • s.o.badgers@gmail.com'
    Kathleen Badger
    June 13, 2019

    I have been riding this roller coast for 4 years. He pulls me right back in after we split for a few months. I don’t feel like myself. I’m lost without him. But I get angry that he has such control over everything. It is like an addiction I can’t seem to give up. I’m crying all the time when we aren’t together. I cant even look at another man because I feel I belong to him. Now he tells me I have to not just pop over to his place but to let him know when I plan to come over. I know he has others. But for some reason he keeps coming back for me. I don’t know if I’m crazy or he is or both of us. I just signed up with a therapist. I need to stop this cycle. Even when I stop no contact, he finds a way to pull me back in. Like he possesses my mind. I can’t get free. I have read some many of these articles of your’s Melanie and they all ring true. I just don’t have the strength to fight his advances. His constant declaration of love and soul mates jargon. I fall for it all knowing we can’t make it more than a month.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 13, 2019

      Hi Kathleen;

      I am so sorry you are going through this

      Kathleen sweetheart please know the inner transformational path provides a real shift and clarity, that information alone simply cant.

      Can you hold my hand here? It will help you so much if you check out my free healing resources here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending you strength, healing, support and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    • ntando.skhosana77@gmail.com'
      Neo
      June 20, 2019

      Hi Melanie, thanks very much for your Article. It is very helpful and eye opener. I have been riding this roller coaster for 27yrs.Im happy now my husband has move out of the house because he was violent and threatened to kill me. So o did a protection order against him. I’m regaining my life back now steadily but surely.

  • 98alid@gmail.com'
    Dal
    June 15, 2019

    I’m dealing with all of this with a family member that I live with. Everyone is so dismissive of his abuse but I am slowly unwinding. How do I survive this while still living in the same house? I feel I cannot take real action to leave home because he has everyone believing he does nothing wrong and if I did anything permanent like leaving, it would be perceived as me being unstable. I cannot live like this forever,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2019

      Hi Dal,

      I am so sorry you are going through this.

      In our recovery from n-abuse, it is so usual to be smeared and have others turned against you.

      Please know your soul and healing needs to come first, above anyone else’s opinion of you or even the fallout.

      Truly looking after you is the number one key to get out and away and start recovering, and if compromised things just get worse.

      Sending you strength and courage.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • sylvielee1513@gmail.com'
    S. L.
    June 23, 2019

    Dear Melanie,

    OMG you are so helpful, brilliant, beautiful and amazing! Thank you so much for everything that you do. I did your incredible 16 day course and I’m going to do the NARP program as soon as I move out of living with a narcissist. I have a covert narcissist father and have had at least 2 serious relationships with narcissists (one being the father of my son)– incomprehensibly horrific as you understand. Your work is essential. Thank you.
    I have a question which you might not be able to answer as it’s so personal- but I’m wondering if you’ve come across something like this in your work and you could assist me. I keep having very sweet, loving, affectionate dreams about the worst and scariest of these narcissists- and I wake up and miss him and want to be close to him again! Ack! It is very disconcerting. But I’m wondering why my subconscious mind would do this- it’s one of the reasons I’ve kept going back to him over the years. Again, I understand if you can’t answer this, but if it is something you’ve encountered before, I would love any tips you have. Thank you! Bless you. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 23, 2019

      Hi SL,

      Thank you for your lovely compliments.

      I’m so pleased my information resonates with you.

      Please know SL that you are much better off starting NARP now, for so many reasons rather than waiting until you leave.

      It will help you detach, hold your space, shift out of fear and pain and start building the inner solidness you require to go forward … and

      NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is so portable you only need half an hour for a healing, so you could even go for a drive, take yourself to a bedroom, or do healings when he is not around.

      Yes absolutely I have had experience with this, as many others have. The infiltration into our dreams in a myriad of ways, including longing, is common.

      NARP cleans all of that out for you!

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • sylvielee1513@gmail.com'
    S.L.
    June 23, 2019

    P.S. I meant to add that the dreams I’m having about my narcissist ex are FAR more sweet and loving than the reality EVER was, but it confuses me because it makes me think that true connection and love IS possible with this person– even though I rationally know that it absolutely isn’t. But it’s my own subconscious tricking me! I hope this makes sense to you. 🙂 Thank you so much.

  • sylvielee1513@gmail.com'
    S.L.
    June 24, 2019

    Thank you so much, Melanie! I will begin the NARP program soon. All best, S.L.

  • dougydowrite@gmail.com'
    doug
    July 4, 2019

    wow. i been been on the receiving of narcissist abuse as their primary target, an numerous time as a target for being a support person of the narc’s primary target for 25 plus years. been through so much only someone that dealt with these parasites would believe. i learnt so much over time. i came across Melanie’s site less than a week ago. and i got to say, so far i been very impressed with what i’ve seen. and i’m not easily impressed. we really need to find ways to help people protect from these emotional parasites. i looking forward to learning. oh those 8 signs they right on the mark !

  • Anna.forster08@gmail.com'
    Anna Forster
    August 5, 2019

    Hello Melanie I have been watching your videos and reading through your articles for quite a few months now. I have recently broken up with a close friend who I now know is an overt narcicist. She was very controlling and abused me emotionally and financially. She was always trying to put one over me. I have my good days and bad days. Your resources have been very helpful. Thank you very much. Anna xx

  • suzyqjames@att.net'
    Susan
    September 8, 2019

    I am grateful to find this source. My problem is not for me but for my son who is in an abusive marriage. I fear he is becoming further and further from his real self. I see no caring or love coming from his wife while she holds back any affection in spite of the fact that he has tried to appease and win her approval for 25 years. I don’t know how to let him know he is not dealing with a sane person. She can be very agreeable at times.
    I don’t know if he would recognize the truth. She has been cruel and thoughtless to all members of the family so it is not just me. But she thinks it’s bad that a mother lovers her son and she manipulates it so he is too busy to ever come by. I need to somehow let him know he is not is a healthy, normal relationship.
    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
    Jean

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 8, 2019

      Hi Susan,

      The truth is you cant and wont be able to get him to see it.

      Truly the only way you can influence this is by believing and trusting and knowing, by shifting yourself to that emotional place, that he will awaken into his true self and his own rights.

      As parents the more we see our children as broken and stuck, the more they stay that way.

      Your only power is to have a different belief and where your emotional truth about him goes, he will then follow.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • Katelyndeo@gmail.com'
    Katelyn
    September 17, 2019

    I’m 16 years old. I just got out of a toxic relationship. I didn’t know what narcissistic abuse was, but it popped up when I searched ‘how to heal from a toxic relationship’. I’m not entirely sure if my partner was a narcosis. All I know is that what he did to me hurt me and he messed with my head badly. I want to understand how and why he was able to do these things to me. Is there anyway I can email you and talk to you about my relationship with him? I just want to understand. He destroyed me mentally and I want to know how to move on. I want to know how to heal. Please please help me.

  • kittyhart@hotmail.co.uk'
    June SLater
    September 22, 2019

    32 years in, 4 children, he has ALS (10 years now). Last couple of years I have thought he had Frontal Lobe Dementia too but having read all of the above – he is a true narcissist. I think I’ve always known it deep down but the abuse the last few years has been intolerable….but I’m still here. He speaks to no-one else in his family..our kids are on the fence except the eldest who sees right through his bullying tactics. How can I walk away when he has ALS? Trapped. Trapped. Trapped.

  • rachelcboughton@gmail.com'
    Rachel
    October 10, 2019

    Thanks so much for your work. I’m reading this again today because my former beloved just sent me an email asking for time with my dog (which isn’t really safe even for the dog). The email was mostly sane and polite except for one very weird crazy accusatory line. I’d been doing fine, almost no contact even though we share a business, I’d actually stopped crying all the time. I wasn’t thinking about him all that much. Only 3 months since I moved out, pretty good, no? Your NARP program has been a huge help to me. But he must have felt the tether between us getting thin, so he sent this crazy email, wanting something, yanking at my heartstrings. Poor dear, maybe he’s sick or dying, he’s so messed up. Perhaps he knows that he made a really big mistake.

    So the thing is, if I don’t respond, he could raise the ante, project even more nasty stuff onto me. If I do respond, well, even if it’s a very simple clear note saying no, still I responded. But either way my mind is swirling with thoughts of him (which had stopped before), and fear of repercussions, and this maintains our connection. I’ll probably send the simple note because it seems that will give me moderately less anxiety than keeping quiet and feeling the tension. I feel when I set solid boundaries he’s enraged. If I could choose I’d rather he just felt regret, but maybe that’s not an option.

    Thanks again for these blogs to read late at night when nothing else seems to help.

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