Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Talk To A Narcissist Without Going Insane

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 18
74
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

How do you talk to a narcissist without going insane? The easy answer would be NOT to talk to them.

But sometimes we can’t go No or Modified Contact. Maybe you work with this narcissist. Or perhaps they are a family member, who you need to see at functions. Or possibly you are still hooked in, trying to work through things and you are not quite ready to call it a day.

I understand … this happens.

So, with all of that in mind, I want to help you get very clear in this article – WHY talking to a narcissist can make you feel like you are going insane, and how to navigate things so that you don’t. 

Why Narcissists Get Under Your Skin So Much

This is why talking to a narcissist without going insane is so difficult – they simply don’t have the same agenda with conversations that normal people do. In fact, normal, non-narcissistic people simply don’t have agendas with conversations. They just have conversations.

The narcissist’s agenda is disordered. It is to get control over you; to avoid accountability; to manipulate, mine, dump pain and anger, affect, trigger and get an ego feed by significantly affecting another emotionally (obtaining narcissistic supply).

Therefore, a conversation with a narcissist is not just a conversation.

It is an exchange with an unwholesome, false self-agenda attached to it. When the narcissist is in the love-bombing stage, unfortunately our false self, our ego, is attached and running with it.

Meaning our unhealed, unresolved parts, which don’t subconsciously believe that we are worthy or lovable, or worth validating or being cared for, gobble up the manipulative compliments and promises like any starving man or women would.

Yet, something inside knows this is unwholesome. Something feels a little off, but of course we ignore it. We want to believe that this person is our Source of love, security or survival, and absolutely, in our defence, we may have no idea that people like this exist and therefore what we were really walking in to.

Over time, not only do we see this ‘oh so delightful’ person lose so much of their ‘previous genuineness’. We also come face to face with the verbal onslaughts, twists and turns and, quite frankly, overt lunacy that goes with a narcissist’s conversations.

I call it the narcissistic three-ring circus, and at least one of those rings is a total freak show.

Let’s have a look at the conversation methods that I wrote about in my article ‘Are you with a narcissist’.

  • Avoidance: Refusing to recognise or acknowledge the incident as real or important to you.
  • Excuses: Making up stories or reasons for the behaviour that are not genuine or valid excuses.
  • Accusations: Blaming someone else for the wrongdoing.
  • False Apology: Saying a ‘sorry’ that is not a genuine apology and expecting you to accept it.
  • Ignorance: Claiming you never said that; that was never discussed; or the narcissist never said that.
  • Confusion: Creating antics over trivial points in the conversation to shift and confuse the focus.
  • Projection: Stating ‘what you did wrong’ regarding the particular topic, by using ammunition from the past that has nothing to do with the present incident.
  • Using Allies: Quoting people, real or imagined, to back their ‘story’ of excuses or to discredit you.
  • Shutting down: Unwillingness to have a conversation or abandoning the scene to avoid scrutiny.
  • Shifting Focus: Responding with displeasure to your body language or the tone of your voice to steer the conversation away from the wrongdoing.
  • Persecution: Stating how bad your accusations are, and what a terrible person you are to accuse them.
  • Denial: Stating that it was incidents in your past, and it is your fears and insecurities which cause you to make these accusations.
  • Discrediting: Stating that you are such a negative person and always look for the ‘conspiracy theory’ in your conversations.
  • Threatening: Citing abandonment or punishment if you continue with the accusation.
  • Entitlement: Demanding that you recognise the positive things they have done for you and that it’s unfair for you to focus on the negatives.
  • Lying: Stating they did grant explanation and reassurance, or did the credible thing when these actions were not forthcoming.
  • Condemnation: Continuing the story of ‘I did do the right thing’ and then being incensed at you for calling them a liar.
  • Justification: Stating ‘I did it’ because of your behaviour and because you make me do these things.
  • Triggering: Using a maiming comment, related or unrelated, to incite you to anger and shift blame.
  • Competition: Stating all the things that they are not happy about with you, as a ‘tit-for-tat’ retaliation, rather than addressing the issue at hand.

These are all elaborate defence mechanisms that are so COMMON amongst narcissists. As you read through this list, you may recognise many or all of these tactics. They are out-of-bounds behaviours that mean you are dealing with someone who is personality disordered and drastically unhealthy to be having conversations with.

The truth of the matter is this – if you are trying to have a sane, reasonable conversation with a sick person, you are going to get sick.

It DOES drive you mad.

 

Changing Expectations and Rules of Engagement

Here’s the thing, once you know you are dealing with a narcissist you have to completely drop any expectations you would have in normal human interactions.

This person is not going to get it.

You are not going to get understanding, harmony or resolution.

This person does not want to play ‘healthy team’ with you.

This person does not have win-win in mind. Rather, they are out to get what they want at your expense.

If you cater to this person and give them what they want, this is not going to earn you clemency, decency or favours. In fact, it will only make matters worse, because if you give an inch they will take a mile.

Nothing you say, argue or fight for will make one scrap of difference – so it really is key for you to stop doing this.

 

The Switch – Make It About Your Truth, Not Changing Them

There is a very simple rule in dealing with anyone who is abusive or insane – stop worrying about what they are saying and doing, and get very clear about who YOU are Being and what you are Doing.

This CHANGES EVERYTHING!

Let me explain…

I’ll give you this example regarding what one of my clients was dealing with. Frances was quite frankly a psychotic narcissist, who was constantly trying to stalk and agitate Graham at every opportunity.

She contacted his family and friends, smeared him, and did everything in her power to affect him.

He used to buy into it. He used to meet her and try to reason with her, which was really just about her guilting, blaming, dumping anger, and horrifically abusing him – to the point where he admitted that one night he was so distraught he nearly drove off the road and into a tree.

By doing the inner work with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), Graham released the traumas that were keeping him hooked into her, traumas that were mostly about HAVING to be the good and right guy for her.

Then he was able to see her disorder; to know that nothing he did could ever appease her, fix her or save her. He went No Contact and ended up putting an intervention order on her. He took her belongings to her mother’s house and severed all ties.

Graham’s truth had become: ‘I deserve and will only engage in healthy, adult relationships of respect.’

Another one of my clients, Barbara, whilst co-parenting with Tony, had long ago realised he was a narcissist. So rather than be dragged down with his horrible treatment of her and the children, she did the inner work on all of her triggers, which used to get shaken up by him.

As a result, Barbara managed to get Our Family Wizard, as the only way that they would communicate, approved through court, and was effectively parallel parenting with Tony. How she achieved this, was that when he tried his knee jerk reactions, with ridiculous narcissistic attempts to disrupt the parenting plan, Barbara’s responses were firmly in her power. They were all about her and not about him.

She would say, ‘I am not prepared to do that. This is what I am prepared to do.’ And then would say no more, regardless of how he reacted. Without any feed or attention from her, he stopped the ridiculous antics.

When we become FULLY our truth, without being derailed by narcissists, we are usually shocked at how easy it is to get their CRAP to stop. But it wasn’t EASY for us to get there!

For all of us, we have had so much fear regarding ‘being ourselves.’

I know for myself, my previous terror used to be: ‘What will these people do to me and my life if I don’t appease them?’

In this global, on-line business, there have been times when narcissistic people threaten and attack. Not often, but occasionally it does happen. Interestingly enough, this doesn’t come from narcissists but from victims of narcissistic abuse, who want me or my team to fix everything for them and then attack us abusively when we can’t!

When this happens, as much as I feel for them, and I’m very disappointed we couldn’t co-create their healing with them, I am clear – I’ll be me, have boundaries and will not tolerate abuse.

If there is any fear about their reactions with my boundaries, I meet that fear in my body, shift it out with Quanta Freedom Healing, and completely honour my truth and rights for an abuse-free life.

I also protect the space of this community with this solid self-truth and determination.

No more is it about – trying to fix, smooth over, appease, cajole or play it safe with these people. And it is certainly not about trying to get them to get it and change.

Those days are gone.

I hope you understand; it needs to be the same for you. Narcissists push us into our truth and power and boundary function, so that we can end these ridiculously insane, brain and soul-twisting conversations, where narcissists can truly make mincemeat out of our minds and insides.

It’s then that we can lose our fear and walk straight, solid and sane lines, regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.

Then you will realise how powerfully you can create your life, once you are anchored into the internal integrity that all of Life, Source and Creation GETS and backs – when you GET it and back it.

I promise you that narcissists are powerless in the face of that.

If this article resonates with you powerfully, I’d love you to come with me and get out of fear and into your truth – where you are no longer affected, triggered and participating.

You can do that by joining me here and getting started on my 16-day free course, which will help you get empowered and free from all the internal reasons why you have felt trapped in the insanity.

And I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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74 Thoughts on How To Talk To A Narcissist Without Going Insane
  • smilesforyou4759@yahoo.com'
    Kareen
    August 5, 2019

    I haven’t even read the article yet, but my go to method is: ALWAYS BRING A WITNESS with you when you have to deal with the narcissist. First, the narcissist doesn’t dare try their tricks and secondly, the witness can assure you that yes, certain things were and weren’t said so you don’t second guess yourself, fall for their ploys or feel “insane”. Always works for me. 👍👍👍

    • greenbnk@rogers.com'
      Nicole
      August 5, 2019

      Or deal with them in writing. Have [it] notarized if need be. The internet/email/messaging has really changed the landscape.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2019

      Great suggestion Kareen,

      Thank you for sharing.

      It is very true that narcissists struggle to operate as narcissists out in the open when they are exposed.

      Bless!

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • alkolentus@yahoo.com'
        Anita Kolentus
        August 5, 2019

        Learning this to be true.

    • lesleyjones405@msn.com'
      Lesley Jonese
      August 5, 2019

      I started doing this well twice and he managed to actually manipulate them into his ways of thinking and shock them too, however both my witnesses where empaths and struggling with their own issues which he soon realised and use to his advantage and I now realise that too, there is no end to a narc but now I think I have an handle on it??? and in self therapy’s so make sure your witnesses are strong stable mentally “narcs find a way “

    • linalibre@gmail.com'
      Weena
      August 6, 2019

      Amen! I would not have guessed it was a beloved sibling of mine who was the constant, common thread of narc abuse starting in childhood and continuing decades on–if my husband had not finally, accidentally, witnessed us “in the act.” (A bizarre, nonsensical “conversation” that as usual involved me being called the problem, called crazy, told i had done things I had not done, etc.) His comment? “I had no idea your sibling was SO SICK.” Stopped me in my tracks. If ONLY someone outside the family had interceded long ago rather than repeatedly encouraging me to “work it out with” my sibling. You do NOT work things out w/ a narc. Wanting to stay connected, out of family loyalty, I could not bring myself to provide that label; I guess I want my family to be exempt from such things…. Anyway, after my hubs said that, I journaled decades of memories of similar situations and slowly realized how Melanie’s various checklists matched (essentially 100%–a chilling realization) my experience w/ that particular sibling.
      I am sorry to lose a sibling but this is the beginning of seeing the roots of lifelong narc attraction–the pattern began largely w/ that sibling.
      And it TOOK A WITNESS to wake me up. Not intervening, just… seeing what was happening. Reality check. Sometimes that is what we need.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 6, 2019

        Hi Weena,

        The Field which is all of life, including other people, certainly can enrich us with whatever information we need to awaken.

        I’m so pleased that you have clarity and relief now.

        Lots of love to you

        Mel 🙏💞💛

        • cordiscocarrie@gmail.com'
          Carrie
          August 23, 2019

          Hello Melanie and group,

          I just listened to 2 hours of your webcast and purchased the NARP program. When I went into my emails to confirm my purchase, I saw your blog post and read it. I immediately was flooded with emotions. I am still in disbelief that the man I fell in love with 27 years ago and married (23 years ago) and have 3 children with (18,14,9) exhibits all these traits and is or has Narcissistic tendencies. ( I say this because my therapist and marriage counselor have told me that he is not a true Narcissist… that he has narcissistic tendencies but they are different). Sorry in advance of this long post!

          Short back story: I had given up my career in medicine, as we decided together when we started a family, that his salary at the time (19 years ago) was greater and his career had more potential for advancements and salary increases than mine, therefore, my place should be home to raise our family. I don’t regret that decision and would do it again in a heartbeat. The time goes by so fast, I have one leaving for college now, that I know I would have regretted missing all these years with them. However, I do hold a lot of resentment in that decision, as I feel it was the point at which my identity, as an individual human being, was ultimately taken from me and why now, I feel stuck and dependent on him. It is probably why our marriage declined. You see, Im struggling with this because for so many years, I was the apple of his eye. He adored me. He had me on a pedestal. I could do no wrong and he truly loved me and our life together. He cared about what I was feeling and what I had to say. He put in the effort to make me feel this way. It wasn’t just me who saw and felt it. All my friends and family saw it and would tell me too. I felt happy! Then kids, and my thinking that they needed me more than my husband did at the time, that they needed to be my first priority in this life now, yada yada. Our marriage broke down and we both built walls over time. The feeling of love, and security, and being cherished and adored went away. I felt loneliness, and heartache and abandonment. I slipped into a deep depression which made everything worse. My walls were super high and very strong now!!

          Then, he decided to further his education and applied and was accepted into the MIT EMBA program in Boston MA. I was against the entire thing, for selfish reasons. I even looked up “MIT EMBA and divorce”. He didn’t care what I thought or the valid concerns I had, he was going to do it anyway. He started in December 2014, and when he wasn’t working, he was in Boston at school.

          Fast forward: For an entire year (2015), I felt something was off…That womanly intuition you feel deep within your core. I started questioning (accusing) and attacking. I was made to feel like I was insane, I was imagining everything, I was unstable and not a fit mother. Every single one of those Conversation methods above was my horrible, excruciating life that I was living. His antics left me feeling further abandoned, worthless and unloved. He told me every single day that I was imagining all of this and there was nothing going on. We would get into the worst fights ever imaginable, sometimes involving the children overhearing the entire thing. I felt crazy…I even reached out to a friend thinking I may need to be committed. We started therapy, at my request, focusing on communication, honesty full transparency and openness. It was obvious he didn’t want to be there. He was all but checked out of our life together already. He continued to state in sessions that it was all in my head, I was imagining all of this and it simply was not true.

          Until one day, when I actually thought we were getting back on a good path, I found an email that he forgot to delete from his phone. I had learned that He had an affair that began in February 2015. As I look back now, I knew the day he walked out to meet her for the first time where he was going. I even called out to him as he exited the bedroom and kissed me goodbye, “Please don’t do this!!” (As I reflect while writing this, I now realize that he must have already been talking to her (apparently they met online) when he decided to apply and begin school…which is why he didn’t care what I thought) I did call her, as I think every wife does, and learned so much as to what he was saying about me and how unfit he was making me out to be. I gave him an ultimatum, her or his family. He “chose” us. We continued counseling, with someone new, and he swore that it was over and that he didn’t want that life anymore. That he was actually relieved that it was out in the open because it was such a hard life to live for him with all the lying and having to try and live 2 separate lives and please everybody. The therapist warned me: she said that he was going through a trauma too, a loss that I didn’t or wouldn’t understand, because he was caught and forced to end it, and didn’t end it on his own accord. Then he lost his job. With this loss, we struggled immensely. We drained every bit of our savings, his 403B plan, retirement savings, everything to pay the mortgage, the additional HUGE student loan he now had and just to make ends meet. (He always had to live beyond our means to boost his false self, that I am just now learning about, putting us in great financial turmoil with huge revolving debt that we just kept racking up). We seemed to connect better than we had for the past several years. We supported each other with the kids, and honestly, I liked having him home. He ended up finding a job whereby he had to transition out of medicine, take a huge pay cut, and TRAVEL. This was a source of immense tension and anxiety for me (understandably so…he had an affair and now he was going to be traveling!! and to Boston no less) I expressed my concerns and fears, sometimes not amicably, and would always be met with resistance and conversations like stated in the blog above and told that I needed to get over this (affair) that he made his choice and he wanted to be with his family.

          Fast forward to June 2018, I received a text from HER saying she needed to speak to me. My heart sunk and I felt sick. I happened to be in the car with him at the time, so I called her back on speaker phone without him knowing. If he could have jumped out of a speeding car window, he would have. She told me that they never stopped seeing each other, except for a very short time when he lost his job, but even then, they spoke everyday. Of course he couldn’t deny it, not now. But he did one better…he said that he ended it with her for good 3 days prior and that she was now a woman scorned and that was the only reason she called me was to hurt him by hurting me…AGAIN! But guess what….I believed him!!! I know….how stupid! I did feel like he was telling the truth, that he ended it on his own with her and she was now looking to hurt him through me.

          Present day 2019: He has the same job, still travels, but not to Boston (unless I go with him- which hasn’t been since March). However, The trust is broken and I have immense triggers daily. I do not believe he is involved with anybody or has been since that fateful phone call in June 2018. I’ve moved past the affair with individual therapy, and don’t even think about it anymore in the ways in which I used to…the act of. But I can’t move past the feeling of betrayal and his lack of remorse to heal fully. I thought I forgave him and I have truly owned my portions of all of this. But We still fight all the time, and it’s become a viscous cycle. Some days, weeks, months are great, and others I wish I was far away from here. The constant berating, belittling and bullying me with threats of divorce and leaving me penniless. All the name calling and no sense of respect toward me has me feeling hopeless that the man I married is still alive. Hence my reason for finally purchasing the NARP program today. My fears are great, as you can all imagine. My daughter is only 9. Everything within my being knows what I need to do. I see how this will affect my boys future…showing them that this behavior is ok and its fine to treat woman (eventually their wives and daughters) this way. I see how this will affect my daughters future, showing her that its ok to accept this behavior from a man (eventually her husband and sons), making her feeling worthless and dependent upon someone else to see her self worth. I see what it has done to all of them already, making them all terrified of being abandoned and unloved and made to feel in their minds that its all their fault. Sometimes, It makes me wonder if I AM THE NARCISSIST! As some of those conversation pieces above sound like me too! But the fear and uncertainty of the unknown is crippling, which is why I am still here, with him, enduring his abuse daily.

          I am putting my trust in this community and into the program that I can one day find myself again, and heal from this psychological and emotional abuse that has gone on for far too long. Thanks for listening. It’s true Melanie, you think by putting it out there, talking about it, writing it down that it will help. It doesn’t….it just gives it life again! This will be the last time I tell this story….out loud, in writing or in my own head. I wish everybody the best of luck.

          Carrie

  • daniellewinterton@gmail.com'
    Danielle Winterton
    August 5, 2019

    What about when the narcissist is a boss? And you can’t go no contact or even make assertions about what you will and will not do? They still do horrible things in front of a third party if they have power. Advice?

    • greenbnk@rogers.com'
      Nicole
      August 5, 2019

      I just went through this myself. First and foremost, you need to shift as much and as often as you are triggered. It’s amazing how strong you become. Not just strong but clear and level headed. (It drives them nuts!). I suggest you documented all via email/texting. i.e., being proactive and asking to meet about performance esp. if they’re setting you up to look bad. While emailing/texting, sight your concerns and ask them where they think you could improve/how the problems could be resolved, is essentially providing you with a quasi performance appraisal and an opportunity to “improve”. Even if they don’t respond, you have it in writing (their non-response, so open to interpretation.). Ask via messaging if there is a reason for i.e., a cut in hours, or overtime, etc. Or direct these questions to HR. Just “document” and then if/when the axe falls before you are able to find other employment, (this is what you need to do – find another job! Or transfer to a different department within the org.) you have something to go to a labour lawyer with if they fire you “for cause”. If it gets that far, don’t sign any severance package “deal” without taking it home/calling a labor lawyer for advice, first. It’s just super important to document everything, even secretly (times and dates of incidents,) and to work diligently to exit the toxic cesspool! (No contact!)

      • angelaboushel@hotmail.com'
        Angela Frappe
        August 5, 2019

        Hi Mel.
        This is going to be my ‘sticky’ reminder before i venture into any further contact with narc mother and brother. NARP has helped immensely but i still have modified contact which can be crazy making.
        I love the bullet points in this article.
        As Jc said, they don’t stop being narcissistic but it sure as heck helps me to stay awake to that and continue to mind myself in the process.

        Congrats on the publication of your book and mucho appreciation for all your world work. You and NARP saved (and continue to) my sanity.
        Love to You and your wonder full team.
        Angela

        Ps. People reading this article…..if you haven’t already dont it TREAT YOURSELF to the FREE webinar. In itself you will learn and achieve soooo much healing.

        • angelaboushel@hotmail.com'
          Angela Frappe
          August 5, 2019

          Sorry…..typo….

          My ps is meant to to say…..if you haven’t already done it…..DO IT

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 5, 2019

          Hi Angela,

          I’m so pleased this article has helped you get clearer on how to deal with them!

          Also please know hun that if you struggling with achieving any of your breakthroughs, that there is your Thriver Tribe in the NARP members forum who are there to help you – all as a free add on to your NARP membership http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp, at any time you are in need.

          You dont need to battle or figure this out on your own, breakthroughs have already been created regarding virtually every imaginable scenario.

          Come join us there: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

          I hope this also helps

          Mel 🙏💞💛

      • daniellewinterton@gmail.com'
        Danielle
        August 15, 2019

        Thank you Nicole! All sound and helpful suggestions and having this be the third time I ended up working under a narc, and falling into the trap of trying to please them while other work suffers, this time I was prepared. Sadly it didn’t save the job but I got out in front of the smearing, and managed to keep my sanity, mental health, many work relationships, and inner core intact. There were also unexpected guardian angels who helped the exit happen smoothly and made me feel protected until I was safely out of range. Hopefully I have graduated now and this doesn’t happen again with anyone ever :-/ … is that too much to hope for?? 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2019

      Hi Danielle,

      I love Nicole’s reply – and also this resource of mine may help.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissist-in-the-workplace/

      Sending you power and breakthrough

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • daniellewinterton@gmail.com'
        Danielle
        August 15, 2019

        Thank you Melanie! So grateful for your insight and gifted writing … your work has changed my life in every way <3

  • lchunter2@yahoo.com'
    LaTasha
    August 5, 2019

    I love this article. It’s on point in every way. I have to co parent with the ex covert narcissist husband. I asked the judge for the our family wizard. I love it. He knows he’s being monitored. The abuse hasn’t stopped, but it’s less. I don’t have to see the content of the message on my phone. I have time to open and respond or not respond. Open the message and read. Not all of his messages gets responses. Because they are petty. I read it and that’s enough for me. Which he hates not getting a response. Having the our family wizard is a keep your brain intact barrier against narcissist abuse. My opinion. Love it. That will be the only way I will communicate with the narcissist.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2019

      Brilliant work LaTasha,

      OFW is wonderful!

      Much Love

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    • kemmmamcrae@gmail.com'
      Kerry
      August 5, 2019

      Love the article! Thank you Melanie and I am empowered because I am already doing it! My husband soon to be ex whom I am co-parenting with has tried to work on me but I am doing the Parental Separation Order legally. He tried to make us do our own, what saddens me though is he’s trying to get to me through our son.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 6, 2019

        Hi Kerry,

        You are very welcome.

        Stay strong and that’s wonderful that you are enforcing that boundary.

        Sending you love and strength,

        Mel 🙏💞💛

  • greenbnk@rogers.com'
    Nicole
    August 5, 2019

    Fantastic article, Melanie. All of it on point! A close friend of mine remarked how “crazy” I was when with the ex-N; and then, just like someone flipped the switch, I was Nicole “again”. (The crazy was the fallout of the crazy conversations with the ex-N and his family (Jerry Springer-like Family), the switch was QFH!)

    Thank God for you!

    Namaste,
    Nicole

  • nesilaw@outlook.com'
    Aneas
    August 5, 2019

    Thank you Melanie!\
    This resonates deeply with me. I truly appreciate your strength and truth about these “realities” that must be faced! Otherwse, we are just settling for the lie of “denial” that makes us partakers of the bondage instead of standing up bravely in His Truth and saying, “Lord! I’ve had enough. Help me to walk In YOUR WAY, which is the ONLY way that can make a positive difference in my life & in the lives of those around me”! I’d rather suffer for righteousness sake, than to settle for the lie of suffering in futility!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2019

      Hi Aneas,

      I’m so pleased this resonates with you and that you are standing in the truth that sets you free.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • seahorsepeace@icloud.com'
    Jc
    August 5, 2019

    I used the NARP program and it got me out of a black whole. It did help at a time when I was at bottom. I had a 2 yr old at the time and every rug pulled out from under me so to speak. That was 2 years ago. I did the program 2 more times since then. I also have spent more than half my life on inner healing deep subconscious reprogramming etc. What I don’t agree with though is this magic wand that happens when we as the “abused” shift… the narc doesn’t just magically stop all tricks when you had a child together and that child is very young it is a whole different ballgame. I’m sure
    many people have those magical moments where they don’t but in and suddenly something happens that stops the narc from doing some harmful tactic or a good court turnout because of some compassionate judge suddenly calling out the narc. Yes these things happen but not always. We have free will and create our reality just as much as every other person on the planet and spending a lifetime healing every possible button or wound I may have just so the ex narc father of my daughter can’t push them is not what I think my life is about. If someone is hell bent on doing things and they are the father of your child and your child is very very young, and you heal yin’s and tons and tons of inner stuff he still very well keep pushing harder and trying harder. I know all about surrender to the divine etc but I’m not going to become homeless and destitute by letting go and trusting in a bigger picture – and that’s almost where I was at. There’s a term in psychology called an extinction Burst, you get so far and they see they haven’t pushed a button yet but there’s always a button somewhere because we are human and full of them and they’ll keep looking for a button. If I didn’t have a child with this person I’d have no issues with my life as it is now because I’m super strong and have healed more than most people but you can’t just shut out shut off or magically have no serious big issues when the narc in your life is your ex and the father of your toddler. It’s an extreme situation especially when no family support exists. I don’t live anymore worrying what’s gonna happen next but me still has something up his sleeve that detrimentally effects mine and my daughters life and sometimes there’s a month of peace and sometimes there’s a few days or weeks but it’s been nonstop with insanity from his end that I have to deal with and that’s the reality of that type of specific situation. It effects every aspect of your life when the child is that young – there are school functions family fun time social functions there are people friends associates family colleagues school staff etc etc etc they all become a part of this for better or worse and most don’t have a clue or understand where you’re trying to explain something that requires explaining and your child is involved especially ….. it’s different if your child is a teenager or young adult or if you have no kids with this person TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2019

      Hi JC,

      You are right they don’t just magically stop, until we are different in the face of what they are doing than what we used to be.

      It was my personal experience, as well as so many others, that when it no longer triggers us, and we no longer react with emotional energy and keep the boundaries that are possible – ncludibg third part communication tools which can be enforced with parallel parenting – narcissists stop exerting energy for the payoff of narcissistic supply.

      I truly have seen many people breakthrough to this level even if parallel parenting with young children.

      I am sorry you feel that this is some way of just magically surrendering, it isn’t.. it is about doing all we can to no longer be derailed on the inside, cut off the narcissists supply and create powerful boundaries that often do expose them and bring them undone.

      There are parents who have fully implemented the Thriver Wsy, as module work as their emotional foundation, who have even won complete custody cases in unprecedented ways against previous relentless narcissists who were making theirs and their children’s lives hell.

      Your personal experience is not the common Thrive experience JC.

      Please research through Google the reviews and Thriver stories regarding these many successful outcomes.

      Please also google my numerous resources I have created regarding our children and co and parallel parenting to understand how and why my method works and why I am passionate about healing and leading the way for our children and their future generations.

      I wish you and your children true breakthrough and relief with what you are dealing with.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • seahorsepeace@icloud.com'
        Jc
        August 6, 2019

        Thank I’m
        Sure many people have those experiences I myself have as well as I stated. But to say another person will stop doing things just because we are no longer triggered is not accurate and it’s making others feel like they are doing something wrong if the program doesn’t get them the me results as it does for others. Others is not everyone abd it’s impossible to put that on everyone. I don’t get triggered but I’m human I have burtons I’m not aware of and I specially mean with an ex narc who is the father of your very young child that’s a very different situation. Every day for days and years things keep happening life keeps changing and it’s so much more unpredictable then other common situations. I feel like the message being put out is that unless you literally spend your life trying to heal all your possible triggers and buttons which to me is not really living or thriving or else ….not as a single parent with a toddler and ex narc. Every new turn around a corner as the child changes and grows there’s soooo much life changes with a child from age one to age 6 – in those years it’s a whole different ballgame. As a parent without having to deal with a narc – as couple in functioning marriages it’s a lot then throw in the narc and what I’m saying is that it’s really not right to make others think that they didn’t do the program long enough or didn’t do it correctly or didn’t do it right or didn’t get all their wounds healed if their ex narc and father of their toddler is continuing to pull stunts are make life difficult. (Putting it mildly ) over the years it gets less and less and of course with every new tactic when healed a lot then they don’t trigger us as deeply or at all but as a child ya growing there’s always new unpredictable ways they try to effect us. I’m not walking around worried or scared and mostly he knows he can’t get to me but like I said – it’s a challenge it Doesn’t end if the child is still in my Case young and that parent has rights then things are Always it at least often challenging . The program helped me but this ex narc is in my life no matter how I react or give no contact as much as possible because you can’t when the child is going and you have to arrange around school and events and holidays and family and friends – it’s a giant web that can definitely be helped and made manageable but still not going to stop the narc from doing what they do. At least not yet. Maybe when my child is old enough to be on their own or an adult but not while she’s 3 4 or 5 and still living with me and needs are dependent on me. That’s a vulnerability that exists that’s a reality. Even if I let go and trust she’ll be ok – babies and toddlers and young kids are dependent on their caretaker and that’s a vulnerability that is real – I’m not enlightened to walk around saying well whatever happens must have been ok because we’re all one and it’s all the divine universe if it’s meant to be. That’s my button I’m aware of it and I shield it Best I can from the narc but that’s natural human behavior I’m not a fully enlightened yogi. I do like the program and it helped me and it did change things but I’ve done massive work on myself and I want to live a bit more and not make it my full time job to find every wound I have when I’m raising a child alone – that’s hard – just to keep preventing the narc from finding any button to cause strife in my life. I might be miscommunicating some of this as I’m just trying to explain that some people are doing there best but the program tends to have this marketing around it that if your narc doesn’t stop making life difficult then you must not be doing the program right. That does not feel in alignment

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 6, 2019

          Hi JC,

          My issue with what you wrote is you relaying your personal experience as a blanket statement.

          It’s not true that the Thriver Way doesn’t work for people coparenting. The real life evidence doesn’t back that claim of yours.

          Jc you have decided that because you are not getting the results that others have, that you are being blamed and shamed and made to feel like a failure.

          That is the last thing NARP, myself, my community and the NARP members forum is about.

          The assistance, support, love, healing guides and practical real life application, including coparenting assistance in the NARP members forum and across this community is enormous.

          As is the wealth of information of 10 plus years of experienced Thrivers helping lovingly support those struggling to get to successful parallel parenting with narcissists in the NARP forum.

          We dont give up to help people, just like you, break through if they want our support!

          There are moderators, staff and myself working tirelessly in there to help n-abuse victims day and night.

          http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

          Of course there are people struggling who dont just get instant results! N-abuse is the hugest thing anyone could possibly go through!

          However, the results in even the curliest situations are often incredible when people lean in to the processes and the NARP communities help.

          Are you in the NARP forum, asking for and reaching out for such loving invaluable assistance, or is your energy better expended by doing what you are doing, fighting for all the reasons why this wont help and work in coparenting situations?

          And stating that this is the same for others?

          If course this is your choice JC, and I will not infringe on your choice, however I will not allow you to take others, who can and would use this spectacular breakthrough help that this community offers, being driven away from that by your blanket statement. Especially people with children who need this help for their children as much as themselves.

          All of the NARP members forum are here to partner with you and give you everything they have to help you, if you ask and ALLOW that without your notion of feeling blamed and shamed, which for all of us, when this appears, is a replay of old tapes and wounds.

          Trust me JC I know we are human and its horrifically difficult to Go Quantum. I too was faced with this with my son,and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

          To Let go and let God and heal and align myself and my behaviours to lead the way, not knowing if he would live or die because his depression and addictions had become so chronic.

          I know that the level I got to saved his and my own life. And I know how virtually impossible it felt for me to get there.

          No-one said this was easy JC … just there is a way to make it possible.

          No one EVER in this community is looking down on your struggle to get there …EVER.

          And of course if the Thriver process is not for you then i wish for you with all my being that you find exactly what it is that will help you.

          Mel 🙏💞💛

  • kandiekame@gmail.com'
    KINDRIA MCLEMORE
    August 5, 2019

    Thank you Melanie !
    This is what I needed to hear at the right time. I read your articles all the time. Very informative.
    I finally realise that I’m not alone.
    I’ve been on this “EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER ” for 35 years, never knew this type of EVIL EXISTED !!! Finally Googled all the signs in Nov.2017 and to my SURPRISE, I realised that I had been dealing with FULL BLOWN (NPD) I’ve gone through so many emotions in the pass 21 months. Gone through all stages of DETACHMENT, been married 20 yrs , still live in the same home, working on HEALING, but it’s hard to heal in the same place you got SICK !!
    I’m getting stronger everyday. I know that God is working things out BEHIND the scene in my FAVOR. I recognize the CHILDHOOD wounds now !! I just hate that it took 57 years😭
    Thank You for Your Time, BE BLESSED

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2019

      Hi Kindria,

      Sweetheart I’m so pleased that you feel validated and I so understand that you feel the dismay of only finding out now.

      Dear Lady I promise you that when you break through that there will be no regrets or feelings of loss; just the joy of coing home to your True Self … finally.

      Please know it is worth everything we have been through.

      So much love to you Kindria

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • t.i.best01@gmail.com'
    Clio
    August 5, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    I have experienced every single one of the tactics you describe above during my time with my ex-husband. It’s a wonder I managed to survive 16 years with him without going insane.
    I am pleased to say that thanks to your amazing support I have managed to survive the last 3 years when he has used the court system to deprive me of any contact with my children.
    I am focussing on being well, mentally and emotionally (the most difficult challenge of my life since I lost my children) and getting back on my feet financially.
    It seems that ever since I ‘woke up’ to who he is, (within 2 months of separation) and I was no longer emotionally tied to him, that this seemed to co-incide with him using the children to emotionally affect me.
    It’s like my children got flipped into the position of being the emotional abusers, rejecting me, refusing to see me etc.
    How do I heal this situation without choosing to ‘go no contact’ with my children? (My children have basically chosen to not be in communication with me for the last 3 years.)

    Thank you for all that you do!
    Clio xo

  • cristietm@hotmail.com'
    Cris
    August 5, 2019

    How amazing that you describe every nuance of these detached-from-truth people, and the detached from others, and towards Only themselves “conversations”.
    Thank you for putting sense into the insane nonsense wrapped in sugar coatings to keep us in their power, or worse – soaked in poisons to achieve the same distressingly sick purposes of keeping their ego up front and centre and never any less, at anyone’s expense of all kinds of distress for others.

    Thank you for not only informing us with such precise detail of the traits they somehow manage to express – to be aware of/look out for (and protect ourselves/even run for our lives from) –

    but also Thank you for enlightening us on ways to do so!
    On how to treasure and guard our own truth and worth – to preserve our own whole self – to keep who we are, intact in such attacks, whether sinister and sly or seemingly interested in us for being who we truly are…

    You highlight how if we’re alert, we sense an unease in what’s bubbling up and forthcoming…whether in deceivingly-convincing, confusing, conflicting – words/actions showing “care” or “love” – passionately either passive or agressive…
    – two sides of the same coin!
    – you show us the feelings to tune into – when they somehow can sense that they’ll be denied their needs/agendas met and their self-serving causes being unmet..
    and Only at their self-determined designated time –
    with clear or vague insistence/urgency/
    even frightening, alarming, disturbing, distressing cruel insults/threats
    you show us how to stay strong, and stand our ground for who we are – never born to be taken over or disempowered by any Narc and their shameless ruthless sickening bullying..
    to have us under their accustomed spell they’re used to sickeningly enjoy – when their supply needs seem close to filling up..
    It’s when we most need to back away and stay away and learn this process in getting away…as you did and show us how to…

    Thanks Mel, for exposing them as they are by what they do – and how they make us Feel if we’re tuned in to our own unique selves they feel they own..as even their toys…at whim to enjoy or destroy!

    Through your own worst torments and anguish under Narcs in your life (that we’re so very sad to know of) –
    you define what it looks like – what to watch out for – and have no doubt about what at its core
    is their usual aim for only their own gain – of instant-gratifications-results/rewards
    that they feel fully entitled and deserving of without compromise or outs, through any means they can.

    It’s hard to imagine being without your acquired awesome wisdoms (from your having been totally caught up in the worst abysses you endured for so long – in many webs of narc entanglements) –
    that you so somehow dug yourself out from in such courage and determinations – and then generously sought to help so many do the same for freedom and the happy full lived we all deserve as our birthrights!

    Thank you for such profound understandings you’re gifted with that you so kindly lovingly share with us all
    who are so blessed for knowing you and about your dedicated mission for healing us as you did…
    by travelling the same essential foolproof paths to our own deserving best lives as you found so truly is just waiting to be enjoyed fully!
    …via self-rescuing/recovery/healings we were so unfamiliar with before you shed so much light in what Narcs are about…

    Your wonderful mission, Mel – is immeasurably doing so much good to so many close by, and far and wide –
    in boundless directions so many you are reaching, are so gratefully receiving your Gifts –
    as we follow truths you impart so clearly –
    You’ve been opening windows and doors stuck shut by experiences with Narcs – who drag us almost blindfolded somehow – into their dark empty miserable worlds..
    who so easily lure and trap us in – destroying lives of innocents around us too!

    Thank you for how you clarify that first we need to seek and shine our own light inside us –
    and see why and how we get ensnared and enslaved by narcs..
    That the journey to freedom begins within each of us.

    Thanks beyond words from us all and many more still to benefit from your beautiful heart and soul
    (and very smart brain too!) 🙂

    Keep well and happy Mel,
    Sending you every continued blessing
    for all you are and do – that so blesses so many of us too!:)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2019

      Awww Cris,

      You so understand all the nuances of this at the deepest level.

      Humbly it is such a joy to share with you and others profound awakening to these truths, that not only allows us to be free from narcissists, but also to enter the glory of the most incredible Lives possible.

      Blessed be my darling fellow traveller and much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • angelaboushel@hotmail.com'
    Angela Frappe
    August 5, 2019

    Sorry…..typo….

    My ps is meant to to say…..if you haven’t already done it…..DO IT

  • angelaboushel@hotmail.com'
    Angela Frappe
    August 5, 2019

    Hi Mel.
    This is going to be my ‘sticky’ reminder before i venture into any further contact with narc mother and brother. NARP has helped immensely but i still have modified contact which can be crazy making.
    I love the bullet points in this article.
    As Jc said, they don’t stop being narcissistic but it sure as heck helps me to stay awake to that and continue to mind myself in the process.

    Congrats on the publication of your book and mucho appreciation for all your world work. You and NARP saved (and continue to) my sanity.
    Love to You and your wonder full team.
    Angela

    Ps. People reading this article…..if you haven’t already dont it TREAT YOURSELF to the FREE webinar. In itself you will learn and achieve soooo much healing.

    • pancake.helga@yandex.ru'
      Katie
      August 6, 2019

      Hi Melanie!
      Thank you so much for posting this article! It is really helpful to know that you are not the only one going through this experience. I’m looking forward to joining your NARP Community and I have a question: can my younger sister, who is 17, also use this program? Is the any specific reason this program was made for people over 18 years of age? It would be pretty helpful for her not to wait another 3 months to start on her healing journey. Thank you so much for all the incredible work that you do! It really helps a lot! ❤️

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 6, 2019

        Hi Katie,

        it’s my pleasure!

        The age is only a guideline if you believe that she is ready then trust that.

        Younger people have used NARP successfully.

        Much love to you

        Mel 🙏💞💛

  • shar59.sc@gmail.com'
    Shar
    August 5, 2019

    Thank you Melanie, The points you mention are the points I first read which made me realise what I had been dealing with for many years, which led me on the path of recovery through NARP. Its interesting going through them again. There is absolutely no doubt months later that I have done the right thing by getting away and joining NARP (my life saver). At times I doubt myself and tend to look beyond the actual facts of what he is so this is a very good reminder for me. It also refreshes my approach to the modified contact we have. For the sake of our children I am stuck with him unfortunately. He always shows what others expect to see apart from with me but I can and will keep my distance. And also learn to communicate for myself, not in a way that he expects from me.
    One day he will lose his guard and I will be ready. I am confident of that. There will be a slip up for sure.

    Thank you again,
    Much love to you dear lady,
    Shar

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 5, 2019

      Hi Shar,

      I’m so pleased this has helped you get ckarirt and be resolute again.

      Absolutely it is true, in the face of your True Self he will unravel.

      So much love to you and your children

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • tmpountney@hotmail.com'
    Tina
    August 6, 2019

    We have 50/50 physical custody of both kids, I don’t receive any child support. How do I go about requesting him paying for 50% school supplies/clothes for school year! Last 3 years he has not contributed or responded to email request? What is your recommendation-I end up paying for all because it stresses kids out, but it’s not my responsibility to pay for everything -all activities & school supplies/clothes-they bring clothes I buy over to his place because he won’t buy!!
    He makes double my income & I have 100%sole legal which is unusual but thankful-it has cost $$$$$ through court hearings him trying to change & bringing me to court over & over to financially bankrupt me! He won’t help out with anything kids like that have anything to do with me.
    I have the NARP gold member & working on it slowly! No contact-email/text only! Parallel parenting!
    Thanks,

    Tina

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2019

      Hi Tina,

      The thing with narcissists is it is very difficult to force them to do anything, when they are using the ‘not doing it’ to trigger and gain attention and supply.

      Its great that you are parallel parenting! In my experience losing the trauma of an N not supporting financially, either brings about some form of exposure that forces them to, or you rise into your power to become a more generative Source for you and your children and can be thrilled about your growth evolution.

      Either result is really positive.

      As well as checking out my resources regarding coparenting, also please google my name and ‘finances’. I think this could be really helpful for you right now Tina.

      Sending you love and blessings

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • juliaburnsloaring@gmail.com'
    Julia
    August 6, 2019

    68+ years of a narc mother and she’s still got a strong hold over me as her only daughter. However, since I realised (earlier this year) what had been happening all my life, I have felt better – just from understanding what it was. I try never to be alone with her, but, as she’s 98+, I do sometimes have to take her places in my car, just us two. On those occasions it’s just like being trapped again in my childhood home with her. I was her only child until almist 8 years old. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I appreciate all the advice though I cannot detach at this stage because she gets other people to phone me say how depressed and lonely she is and that she feels she’s been forgotten……

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2019

      Hi Julia,

      my heart goes out to you having to suffer this for so long.

      Have you seen this resource of mine?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojLNKN-KNF8

      I hope that it can help you.

      Lots of love

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    • animalmysticmary@ntlworld.com'
      Mary Drew
      August 8, 2019

      Oh, Julia, I so feel for you being in the same boat – in my 70s with a 96 year old mother. The patterns of manipulation of others to do their dirty work for them is something we have in common. I’m an only child and the elder care falls to me and agree with you about the car. She was having a go at me once and I turned the car round and took her back home saying that, if she couldn’t be civil to me in my own car, I wasn’t taking her to the shops. I shook as I drove off but it was the start of the healing for me. I’m afraid that you cannot change the perceptions of others that your mother has manipulated them into but people who really know you will see the caring person that you are. Like you, I cannot detach physically but have mentally detached and treat her as I would an awkward client – creating boundaries etc. As she’s advanced in age, she is a good deal less cunning and can no longer run rings round me. With her smearing tactics, she has detached me from what little family I have but I feel that if people are prepared to believe rubbish about you, then you don’t want them in your life anyway. (Melanie’s article about ‘Smearing’ was so relevant.) One cousin has seen through it and is a tower of strength. Always remember that other people’s opinions are none of your business. There is a streak of narcissism in my family which I’m working on in meditation to try an ensure that it no longer serves my soul group. She is learning that nastiness and manipulation will result in a withdrawal of the taxi service. Her selfishness prods her into being polite in order to get what she wants but I have learned, finally, to say no – without an explanation. The last bit was hard because we tend to feel we need to explain and then they tie us in knots. After a lifetime of being a reluctant doormat, I’m finding strength. The inner work is vital because it provides the fuel for our engine. My own motivation is to eradicate the need for my soul group to keep repeating this experience and move onwards and upwards. There are ups and downs but that’s life. Be kind to yourself too – I know, that’s a big ask for people like us.

  • erin.j.hanna@gmail.com'
    Jean
    August 6, 2019

    So, I had been in a 29 year relationship with a narcissist and have been permanently apart from him now for a year. Long story short…he’s been coming by a few times during the week and one day on weekends to help me walk the dogs…our daughter gave him that edict (I have arthritis) when we first separated. He certainly would not have done it had I asked. Thing is, he was staying over every weekend and for hours not just to chat over coffee.
    I know that I should not have let him spend so much time at my house. However, because of continuing to read your articles and seeing the videos, I have not fallen for the delusion that this behavior of spending time with me had anything to do with me as a person; and have been mentally ticking down the clock for the next dump, when I become totally irrelevant again. So last couple of weeks, his visits were for far less time. He stopped cooking and staying for TV. I was ready this weekend when he told me he was in a new relationship. The part of the discussion that really got my hackles up was when he said that his new girlfriend wanted me to know that his schedule was changing…he couldn’t just come out and say he was not coming by so much anymore…that would require some honesty. So, I told him that I was not going to listen or accept any communication from someone who I don’t know; and that if he wanted to talk about anything with me, it would be between him and me. I have to say that he tried that weird line on me several times during the conversation and I had to repeat my stance several times. I tried to use the exact words, every time, too. He finally stopped with that tactic and got out the calendar and we scheduled some more dog walks. So, one day later, he is walking the dogs but giving me the silent treatment; which I am actually fine with because I am getting my weekends back.
    I am so grateful for all your great works, really a life saver for me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2019

      Wow Jean,

      how great you cut through to cllarity and saw this for what it really was!

      Well done.

      So proud of you.

      And it will be a happy day when you don’t require anything from him at all so that you are no longer on the menu as a possible narcissistic supply snack.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • erin.j.hanna@gmail.com'
        Jean
        August 7, 2019

        Setting boundaries is definitely an issue with me. Need to find a good dog walking service this week, don’t I? Thank you.

  • tricolorefarm@gmail.com'
    Sarah Page
    August 6, 2019

    Hi Melanie This is a great article and very helpful as always:) My question is, can this help when PTSD is involved as PTSD goes so deep? I react involuntarily with extreme anxiety having spent the last three years as the target of my narcissistic ex ( of thirty years of marriage..yes a lot went on prior). I actualy shake all over and fall to pieces as I am completely depleted now. I understand the process of QFHT and have done work on myself but its very deep ..do I just have to keep doing it over and over again ? Thanks 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2019

      Hi Sarah,

      This is such a great question.

      To become emotionally solid requires healing yourself from PTSD.

      Virtually all of us, myself included, had PTSD from n-abuse.

      Please check out NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      It is how myself and thousands of others emerged completely free from PTSD as well as all the other traumas narcissists activate.

      Its about releasing and programming the trauma in your body holding you in ptsd.

      Also please google PTSD and my name for further information.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • museumgirl387@gmail.com'
    Hannah
    August 6, 2019

    Melanie,

    Thank you for this article. My sister is one of many narcissists that have been in my life that I will have to continue talking to, and one of my biggest fears is watching the way my mom (severely codependent, married my father a narcissist) partners and “chooses” her (like she did with my father, chose him over me) instead of me. This is so excruciating to see, and it has ramped up since my father passed a couple years ago. Now she is partnering with a narcissistic Aunt, who does not have any of my family member’s best interest in mind, and is trying to infiltrate my immediate family and is about to move to my community in the next few years. I am overwhelmed with fear from being surrounded by narcissists, both in and outside of my family (I just recently left a job because of a narcissist female boss and am still hurting from a past narc boyfriend) They are everywhere and haunting me.This pairing, the narc + empath teaming up to destroy me is haunting me in the workplace, social life and romantic life. I’ve just begun using your modules to shift this out yesterday. I know the modules are about the narcissists, but which module would you recommend I use to heal from the pain inflicted on me from an empath? Or the combination of both an empath and narc together out to get me?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2019

      Hi Hannah,

      that is so great that you have turned inwards to heal and are working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp – enough is definitely enough of all the N’s in your life.

      Just keep for now with Module 1 shifting ‘what hurts in your consciousness right now’ – no matter what that is.

      And please come into the NARP Member’s Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member for all the guidance that you need with NARP – that is the place where the true support, free additional coaching and assistance happens with all your questions.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
    Iris
    August 6, 2019

    Melanie,

    This is a wonderful article, again THANK YOU SO MUCH! It is so very clear and complete and as always no nonsense.

    What looks like healing in INTER-Personal relationships is actually the externalization of whatever is healing in INTRA-Personal SELF honoring.

    That is why INTEGRITY WITHIN ourselves affects ALL interactions and brings harmony and freedom to our ENTIRE life. The result is FREEDOM FROM THIS Day FORWARD AND BACKWARD because when we are whole, we can recast ALL our history from a place of strength and not shame or blame or avoiding. Quanta Freedom.

    We can not converse, teach or reason with any person in ADDICTION (physical or mental or behavioral). Information does not change the heart even if it changes the mind. It just brings more conflict! It is a waste of time.

    To change the heart (REPENTANCE) we have to be exposed to NEW EMOTIONS – not new information. They (emotions) are communicated without the need for words. Emotions have instant, immediate effects on the atmosphere, environment, and vibration of anything related to our life. So for the Narc or whatever to change, WE must TRULY CHANGE our emotions about the situations. Not just agree mentally.

    It is our change of HEART that makes the impact – not affirmations or information.

    So a conversation with a Narc is not about data but all about maintaining our INTERNAL PEACE, JOY, etc. which neutralizes their anger, confusion etc.

    Goodness wins when goodness reigns from within us.

    Grateful for all the Thrivers and the Reign of Peace that dawns when we each make the shift.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2019

      Hi Iris,

      as always sweetheart you are so welcome.

      So powerfully and Qunatumly true – everything that you have written here – as it always is Iris.

      Bless you sweet and incredible lady – a new world is dawning indeed.

      Tons of love

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    • virginie.yanagimoto@gmail.com'
      LVM
      August 7, 2019

      Hi Iris,

      Thank you for your wonderful and powerful post!
      All of it resonated with me. “ we can recast ALL our history from a place of strength and not shame or blame or avoiding “ I kind of felt this on a few occasions, but I wasn’t sure about it. When reading the words several times I released a big breath, and felt much hope. Thank you!
      The true attitude with ourselves and others, including the narcissist is so clearly depicted in a few words! I will keep your post handy so as not to be derailed and to become more and more authentic with myself!

      With much gratitude,

      LVM

      • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
        Iris
        August 7, 2019

        LVM,

        I’m so glad this post was helpful to you.

        I was thinking today that if we are not to bear false witness against our neighbor, then that includes also NOT attributing positive qualities to our interlocutors’ dialogue when there are none actually present. It is a lie to ourselves. It is bearing false witness.

        If he hasn’t said x, he hasn’t said x.

        If he said x and did y. That’s obvious too.

        WE would have to be imposing or casting a sugar coating on what is really being done or said or omitted to give them the benefit of the doubt. That makes US the active agent of deception.

        This eternal benefit of the doubt game the same as lying-

        Whether or not it is to ourselves or to someone else… WE are bearing false witness when we hope they meant what they actually never said!
        and then we’re suffering the pain of knowing deeply that WE did this to ourselves.

        But the truth always sets free 🙏🙏🙏 and QFH helps us face the inner Truth which we are but had been choking out.

        Then, with QFH we not only see change in the WHAT was going on, but also in the HOW we do Life in every area. We return to the understanding that WE ARE THE ONE with TRUTH when we wash off the lies. We are still there whole and at Peace.

        Blessings and strength in your Awakening.
        🙏🙏🙏

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 8, 2019

          Oh gosh Iris sooooo powerfully true about not bearing false witness.

          Your contributions here are so bang on illuminating and healing.

          Thank you darling lady.

          Mel 🙏💞💛

        • virginie.yanagimoto@gmail.com'
          LVM
          August 8, 2019

          Hi Iris,

          Thank you for your reply ! This was a little complicated for me to understand, but something moved inside of me, so I will go back to it later again.

          I totally agree with “If he hasn’t said x, he hasn’t said x. If he said x and did y. That’s obvious too. » when dealing with normal decent people. However with the narcissists in my family for example, it’s a different story. It is a constant play with words and omitting words. What they say looks like x, they do y, and too bad for the person who didn’t get it, no way they are going to take any responsibility for their lack of frankness. Confronting them is a waste of time and I dont’t want to get mixed in with their energy. When they contact me, it helps me to pause and take some time to think about what a normal decent person would say if they wanted to say x : they would say x ! and then it’s like, wait a minute, this looks like x but actually it isn’t, it’s y ! Then I can reply to them (or not) quietly but firmly without being derailed and without blaming myself later on for not having understood that it was y from the beginning… This sounds a little complicated, I hope it makes sense !

          I’m sending you lots of love and blessings too.

          LVM

          • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
            Iris
            August 12, 2019

            Hi LVM

            Not complicated. I get it.

            We’re really just learning to BE who we really already are…. ZERO -compromise.

            We can do this when, as lovely people what we are, realize that our being OURSELVES heals the world from false views of what matters most.

            Focus on me? Definitely! I can do that.

            They’re confusion is non of my business. I do ME ONLY. Their confusion is theirs alone.

            Happily… Letting go.

  • virginie.yanagimoto@gmail.com'
    LVM
    August 6, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    This article is so helpful, like all the articles and videos you generously post on line! It does make a difference for me to become a more solid self. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am sending you and your team all my gratitude and my best wishes to continue to thrive and get all the positive energy you need!

    “In fact, normal, non-narcissistic people simply don’t have agendas with conversations. They just have conversations. “ What a relief for me to read those words! Having several narcissists in my family, I was sometimes wondering if I was not the one missing something, having no agenda when talking to people, just feeling like enjoying the conversation, but it still felt wrong to try to manipulate people. Doing the inner work with NARP helped me understand that I indeed was missing something when talking to people, but it was not about manipulating them, it was about me not being conscious about how authentic I was being with myself! This was a true relief, and now I feel fine and happy to have conversations where I am careful about respecting myself and then others too!
    Truly it is not about the narcissists either, it is about me. I am starting to feel that in my body when thoughts about the narcissists pop up, and it feels like it refreshes myself and protects me away from these darkening negative thoughts. Then I know I can go to NARP and release a trauma related to that thought.

    ‘I deserve and will only engage in healthy, adult relationships of respect.’ This is a wonderful sentence that will help me articulate what I am working on now with NARP. Thank you very very much!

    “‘I am not prepared to do that. This is what I am prepared to do.’ And then would say no more, regardless of how he reacted. “ Thank you so much to the lady who said that and to Melanie who shared it with us, that will be very very very helpful to me when dealing with the narcissists face to face. I needed to hear that, and I am so grateful I did !
    (I am also adding my comments on the NARP forum in the achievement section.)

    With lots of love and gratitude,

    LVM

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2019

      Awww LMV,

      thank you from myself and the team for your love and well wishes!

      I am so pleased you have this clarity and relief regarding authenticity!

      LVM it’s beautiful seeing your growth with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and how you embrace and work with all the tools that you know are speaking to you.

      Continued blessings and breakthroughs to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • virginie.yanagimoto@gmail.com'
        LVM
        August 7, 2019

        Melanie, thank you very much for your so kind and supportive words!

        LVM

  • Tonibrown1@aol.com'
    Toni Brown
    August 6, 2019

    I have just spent a solid year in a legal battle with my ex, trying to secure my autistic son’s Special Needs Trust. The narc father rarely allowed finances to go to my son, despite there being significant funds in place. Last year, my ex got angry at me because I never saw a text from him about being in the hospital emergency room (I was busy with my son who had food poisoning). My ex stopped talking to me, but began a heavy barrage of threats about destroying my, telling me I’d better get a lawyer, etc., etc. I eventually did bring in a legal team who were stalemated at every turn. As my fees added up and the threats of an endless fight escalated, I am now forced to agree to all the insane things he is forcing me to say. After 25 years of marriage and 15 more trying to co-parent, I have lived through the most stressful year of my life thanks to my amazing current husband, and the new maturity of my 37 year old son who has blossomed since getting his father out of his life. I don’t know where this will lead, but my best idea seems to be stepping out of the Trust, and hoping that eventually, my son will be financially stable. With my ex out of the picture, I finally have a wonderful relationship with my son, now that he knows I have not abandoned him or any of the other gaslighting stories my ex had him believing. Sadly, my son will have no choice but to deal with him in the future. More work in store.
    Thanks for all of your amazing insight and helpful guidance.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2019

      Hi Toni,

      I’m so sorry that you and your loved ones have gone through so much.

      Thats beautiful that you have support with you.

      Sending you healing and breakthroughs to your situation.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
    Asha
    August 7, 2019

    Mel, I experienced a whole other level of acceptance when I accepted the narc sister and the ex for who they are and I couldn’t really do that until I fully accepted my own life and how I want to live it. There are all kinds of creatures on this planet capable of causing us great pain. But I’ve never been angry at a shark for being a shark or a bee for being a bee. I just run like hell to get out of its way because I don’t want to be stung or sometimes I just stay calm and ignore it and it goes away. LOL. No anger involved at the bee. That’s why trying to have a normal conversation with someone whose brain isn’t normal feels like insanity. Not accepting what “is” seems to always cause suffering no matter what the situation. If I’m wishing that the day wasn’t so humid, I’m much more miserable than when I just accept it as it is, but that sometimes also includes lovely accepting my discomfort about it too. Acceptance, not to be confused with tolerance, is powerful.

    The other day my BFF was talking about the recent passing of her mom and felt the need to asked me if I missed my sisters. When I said to her, very matter of factly, that I didn’t and that I don’t even think about them at all she just calmly, and in a low voice said “wow” and moved on. I’m not sure what her “wow” meant and I didn’t ask because it didn’t matter. I think we both could feel the truth in my voice so there was nothing else to say about it. Of course, I went through the whole grieving process because the fantasy of having a healthy relationship with them had died, but that was literally it. The ironic thing is that I have lots of sisters and always have. It’s just not those particular two. It’s like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz always having courage, wisdom and a heart and finding that within herself so she could get herself home. Mel, Isn’t it just absolutely amazing and beautiful all the ways in which Source gifts us experiences that help us out on our evolutionary journey?

    For me, NARP is the Serenity Prayer in action. It helped me to see what I can and can not change and then I blossomed in my wisdom to know the difference.

    • greenbnk@rogers.com'
      Nicole
      August 7, 2019

      I love your comment, Asha. The allegory about Dorothy/Oz and Self really resonates with me. That movie is the perfect story about the truth of the matter and coming Home to Self. It’s so easy to miss the message in all the colour, pomp and circumstance. It was a real epiphany when I saw [it].

      Namaste,
      Nicole

      • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
        Asha
        August 7, 2019

        Namaste Nicole.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2019

      As always Asha,

      I love what you have written.

      Beautiful and profound wisdom that raises consciousness for all of us.

      Thank you for this powerful share Angel.

      Yes Asha it is beautiful and so perfect that what we get provided is exactly the key to our next release, expansion and exalting of our True Self … every time.

      Lots of love sweetheart

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • gemini646@verizon.net'
    Rose Devivo
    August 7, 2019

    My ex was/is a full-blown narcissist. Thank goodness he’s mostly gone (he still tries to alienate the children). My problem is I have a 14 &1/2 year old son who exhibits all the traits of his father. The ex is mostly gone, but now its a constant battle with my son. It is taking a serious toll on me and my 12 yr. old daughter.
    I’ve gotten the ex out of my life but I have residential custody of the children (their narc father is a deadbeat and mostly a no show) How do I deal with a 14 yr old narc. 24/7/365 Its horrible for all of us living under these circumstances. Help.

  • kate.caisley@gmail.com'
    Amanda
    August 7, 2019

    Great article! I’d really appreciate some advice. I’ve been dealing with a narcissistic ex who battled me in the courts to have our children live with both of us and has tried to intimidate, threaten and disrupt our life and manipulate the kids against me ever since. He won’t allow the kids to speak to me or text me when they are with him. Both children are receiving counseling as a result of his actions. I’ve followed your advice and it’s helped me massively but what I’m finding is that my putting boundaries in place and being indifferent to his attempts have caused my ex to escalate his behavior even further. The 3 of us were supposed to be going on holiday today with a group of friends, which the kids have been looking forward to for months. Then a couple of days before, I received a text from my ex telling me he’s taken them overseas for 2 weeks… so no family holiday for us, our friends are gutted and I’ve wasted my money on a holiday that I can’t take. Although his ridiculous behavior is no longer a surprise and I don’t fear the ‘what next’, I’m still struggling to know how to protect my children from this man and how to find the inner resilience to keep picking myself up when he knocks me down even harder?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2019

      Hi Amanda,

      Sure I’m happy to help if I can.

      Sweetheart the course of action I believe you need to pursue is a parenting plan, court orders and defined access times.

      I know this is going to be a painful process, but it really is the only way. Also enforcing Our Family Wizard for all communication with him, so any on-purpose deviation and poor behaviour of his will be accountable and exposed.

      If you keep shifting all fears and resistance to taking this action and keep walking a straight and powerful line, he will falter and fall.

      Sending you strength and power

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • rnhowes@hotmail.co.uk'
    Rachael
    August 19, 2019

    Hi Mel
    What do we do if our partner cannot put in effective boundaries with their mother, she is a narcissist supreme, a narc family that obeys her, and I’m trying to limit contact to protect our two young children. It is profoundly coming between us, as he goes into denial time and again about her tactics. We put a boundary in to see her once every 3 months rather than every month (as was the case with our first child) and she breaks it by instantly by booking a holiday in our county, asking to see us then, when we have already arranged to see her 2 weeks later, so we have to see her twice in a month. This has caused huge problems between us, my partner is defensive, and says he will put the boundary in next time. It is always violated the next time. My children need protecting from her as she is very controlling and manipulative, I get panic attacks before any visit wandering what she’ll do next, its usually something controlling with my children to get a reaction from me. So if we try the no nonsense communication and boundary and it is still violated, how can I stop it affecting me if it involves my children. And if my partner refuses to see who his mum is, are we doomed in our relationship. It feels like we are, but then she’d love us to break up and I don’t want her behaviour to win. Any advice welcome – Many thanks Rachael.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 19, 2019

      Hi Rachael,

      I really want to ask you are you working with NARP? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      The reason being is – it is vital regardless of who the narcissist is and what you are up against, for you to release the trauma and the triggers, so that you can deal in the most powerful, solid way possible.

      This is when your partner will – if he can – start stepping up into this energy with you.

      It is also the most powerful thing you can do for your children, lead the way with your own inner healing.

      Without doing this it is very hard tp achieve what you want to.

      I hope this helps.

      Much love to you and yours

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • teentoyadpost@gmail.com'
    Teentoy
    August 22, 2019

    Good post.

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