Leaving a narcissist can be terrifying. You know it’s not going to be easy and not going to go well.
Have you left and so have already suffered the threats and horror of what the narcissist is capable of doing?
Are you thinking of leaving, but the thought of it terrifies you?
These questions and more are answered in this video!
Video Transcript
Leaving a narcissist is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
For a start, you are NOT well.
It is likely that you are suffering from all sorts of anxiety disorders such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Generally, at the time of leaving a narcissist, it’s because things are so traumatising that you have no choice.
Please know getting out is not the end of the trauma. In fact, it usually brings on an escalation of your traumas, which is why, today, I wanted to share with you the seven top things you must know when leaving a narcissist.
Okay, before we get started, thank you for supporting the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you give it a thumbs up!
Okay, I want to start off with one of the most important things you need to understand regarding leaving a narcissist.
Number 1 Aftershock
This is one of the BIGGEST, if not the BIGGEST, understanding you need to know.
When you leave you are not going to feel better because you have left. Maybe you will – but it’s extremely rare.
The reason being is that you have been cellularly trauma bonded and peptide addicted to the narcissist.
Once your ‘drug dealer’ of these terrible peptides is gone, your body will start screaming out for them. Also, when you are stuck in the survival battles with the narcissist, your attention is diverted from the horrible cellular addiction that your body is hooked on.
It is only when the silence comes that your peptide addiction can hit with full force.
This aftershock can be WORSE than the feelings you had IN the relationship.
You can feel an insane compulsion, powerful addictive pulls and even like you will DIE without this person.
Also, this is a time when people feel like it’s love – ‘I must love this person to feel this terrible without them’. But please know that is NOT the truth.
Maybe you have had many failed attempts at staying away and keep going back (as I did too). This is often the case until you start healing the peptide addiction and breaking free from it.
If it has been AWFUL for you to try and survive, feeling like you can’t COPE and are DYING without this person, then the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is the most powerful and fastest solution I know of to help you address this.
And if you haven’t yet left, NARP is the BEST way to start preparing for the Aftershock when you do leave – because aftershock is the #1 thing that can derail you, more than anything.
Number 2 The Narcissist Has No Care For Your Future
You really need to know that the narcissist is not going to make your job of ‘moving on’ easy. He or she will want to punish you and make you suffer. As far as the narcissist is concerned, you were the one who did the wrongdoing and he or she is the victim.
If you are walking away, you are the enemy and this means you need to be brought down, demeaned, smeared and desecrated, as much as possible.
So many people, myself included, were astounded at how this person can become the greatest enemy you have ever been up against.
The relentless belting may be so terrible that it feels like you will break – or that you have to go back to the narcissist to stop it. You may even feel like you will never survive it.
You need to know that all hell could and probably will break loose and that you will not be able to predict what is to come and how it will manifest. Therefore you need to be calm, cool and rational.
When I left narcissist number one, I was totally unprepared. I had no idea what I was up against and that I should have prepared first.
If you start getting triggered, panicked and distressed, the narcissist will have you exactly where he or she wants you and will keep firing missiles at you.
The more you try to get decency, clemency, and care from this person, the more they know you are affected and the harder they will ramp up the abuse. The more you engage with them, the worse it will get.
Don’t, under any circumstances, try to bargain and create deals or get understanding.
You must remember this – as soon as it starts. Detach, don’t engage, keep healing and do WHATEVER it takes with your healing to be calm, clear and succinct – NO matter what is thrown at you. And if you DO all this, you will see how the narcissist loses all power to annihilate you.
In fact, he or she will lose all power to have ANY effect on you.
Number 3 Plan Your Escape
Know thy enemy and be smart.
This is essential.
Don’t tell the narcissist that you are leaving. Set up bank accounts. See your solicitor. Don’t tell anyone who may tell the narcissist your plans. Have somewhere to go and get your possessions out of the home, before the narcissist knows what you are doing.
Do not leave anything behind that the narcissist can hold onto, to hook you back with.
Make sure that all credit cards, or finances that could be taken from you, are disconnected. Please know that whatever you can’t disconnect will make you vulnerable and a potential target of the narcissist’s wrath.
If you are frightened for your safety, calmly and intelligently express this to the authorities and get ready to act with an intervention order in the event of threats.
Number 4 Go No or Modified Contact
You don’t have to tell the narcissist you are leaving – and as I just expressed, it is better that you don’t.
Actions speak louder than words.
Once out, it’s time to block the narcissist. Don’t take contact from him or her. If you have businesses or children together, get the ball moving with setting up a parenting plan and third-party channels of communication.
Detaching and healing is VITAL now, and continued contact will not allow you to do that. Make sure the people around you know that you will not be in contact with this person, other than through other channels and that you need them to respect this.
Number 5 Don’t Want or Look Out for Accountability or Change
When I finally got away and stayed away from my two narcissistic experiences, not wanting and looking out for accountability helped so much. I NO longer believed there was ANY hope of change.
When you have been dealing with someone who is capable of what narcissists are – pathological lying, deflection, nil accountability, malicious acts and horrifically abusive situations – remember that these people have crossed the line.
They are damaged goods. They can’t and won’t heal. It’s just not going to happen.
You need to REALLY mean No Contact – which means I am no longer hanging out for you to tell me you love me; that you are going to fix this; that you will change and we can get back together.
NO! Those days are gone – no matter what you say, what crocodile tears you put on or what promises you make!
You need to face facts. How many times has that happened already and you’ve ended up in exactly the same horrific place?
Shut the door and MEAN it!
Of course, you are going to have feelings and urges to return. Of course, the feelings of broken dreams and dismay come up. But NOW your resolution is between you and you. If you take this to the NARP Modules, those feelings will pass very quickly, and you will emerge strong and no longer susceptible to going back or accepting a hoover attempt.
Number 6 Detach From The Smearing
A narcissist will do their best to dismantle your support forces and discredit you to the main people in your life. This will be your family, friends, colleagues, boss and maybe even the authorities.
The smearing may be so vicious, that you start getting abused by proxy by people enlisted by the narcissist. It might even be the police or other agencies, that the narcissist has arranged to investigate you.
There is a golden rule with this – let go of the fear of what other people think of you and heal this terrible trauma within yourself. I can’t emphasise this enough, because being persecuted is one of the most terrible human fears that we can feel.
I got slammed with this. Many of us have.
I was so traumatised by the smearing, that I thought that I was going to die. It wasn’t until I released all of the trauma inside, that I was able to deal calmly and succinctly with the authorities, and I was no longer affected by what family, friends and colleagues thought.
The smear campaigns fell over.
Previously when I was triggered, it just got worse and worse. The more I tried to prove my innocence, the less credible I appeared.
When I let go of trying to fight back and just worked on myself, the whole thing dissolved away. I promise you, with all of my heart, that the same will happen for you.
Number 7 Value Your Soul Above All Else
Over the last ten plus years, I have been deeply connected with thousands of people’s recovery after leaving a narcissist, and I want to finish with this message.
Value your Soul; your Inner Self.
Deeply learn to come home to you and make ‘you healing you’ your greatest priority.
Are you prepared to put your soul’s worth in front of bricks and mortar?
Are you prepared to be an example of ‘not succumbing and tolerating abuse’, rather than staying with the narcissist, so that your children don’t have a broken family?
Are emotional feelings and soul truths your priority now? Or are you staying because you think you should ‘have’ certain things – at a horrible soul expense?
Are you going to stay because of your fears, limitations or insecurities? Or are you going to commit to growing and developing yourself to be the source of love and approval and security and survival you need to be non-reliant on the narcissist and go forth and create your True Life for yourself? Do you want to be a positive and true example to those you love?
I want you to know that there is an infallible Universal Law that goes like this – when you honour you, life will honour you – with more abundance love and joy than you could imagine.
Phenomenal Support
For those of you needing to leave, or struggling to leave, I SO hope that this Thriver TV Episode has helped you.
I want you to know, with all of my heart, that you don’t need to do this alone. Myself and many other Thrivers had to go through it – obscene trauma, battles, aftershock and fallout with narcissists – and we are here for you.
We know how to get through this, and we know the best way to successfully leave and then resurrect your life, as well as rendering narcissists powerless against you.
Many people in our community are getting through this process EXTREMELY successfully and PAINLESSLY. Winning custody and settlements, and even having narcissists fully capitulate to give them what they want.
They do this because they are diligently working with NARP, their Inner Being powerful weapon, and they are in the NARP Member’s Forum, where the best minds in the work in abuse recovery are there to help you with unlimited 24/7 access – so any time that you are in need.
This all comes for free as a part of your NARP Gold Membership.
Also, please know I sponsor 10% of all NARP Programs to people in financial distress, because I don’t want anyone in need, who can’t afford NARP, to go without.
Mind you NARP is so affordable, it only costs the price of 2–3 counselling sessions. Also, it has a full money-back guarantee.
But if you can’t afford this, then you can apply for sponsorship with my support team at [email protected]. If you are accepted, it means that you can start NARP and have all of its support structures at NO cost
Okay, so in closing, I really want to say this to you…
In the ten years plus that I have been doing narcissistic abuse Thriver Recovery work, I promise you there is a night-and-day difference between the people who don’t work with NARP and those who do. In fact, so different it seems like you are living in a different universe, and this is why I always bang on about NARP. It is my strongest suggestions for you.
It saves souls and lives and will grant you the most incredible life you could imagine on the other side. It is your solution, that you’ve been searching for.
So check out NARP and get all the right help, by clicking this link.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Hi Mel,
When I left, I felt great relief at first. I found the aftershock came months later. 9 months down the track and my mind still tries to play tricks with me. I do use NARP but am struggling with the shock though am determined to get past it. I won’t go back.
Thanks again for the reminder.
Love Shar xx
I can tell everyone who is following this NARP program that if you follow every BLOG and truly examine your inner feelings, everything that Melanie says is true and WILL help you heal. I was married to a narcissist for33 years. He left me for a woman 23 years younger than him. His betrayal hit me like a 2 ton brick, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I didn’t even know that I had been abused by a narcissist until my counselor listened to my life story with this man and told me to go home and read about narcissists and sociopaths. I cried so hard because everything I read described exactly what I had been living with. I had started to withdraw from him because I was becoming exhausted fro worrying about about what other problems he would get us into that would require me intervening and bailing us out. It would be my fault of course. Because he knew I was withdrawing, he had to find his next “source”. I read everything I could but when I first read Melanie’s BLOG I stopped blaming myself and could not stop reading everything she posted. Trust me, it’s been 3 years since I had no contact with him and I am a different person who loves herself and has the confidence to set boundaries no matter how much I would like a loving relationship. I have no financial resources at 70 years old but would not trade financial security for waking up each day wondering what else is going to happen.
Very heartwarming Marion. I lasted 40 years and at 60 am starting all over again. I hadn’t felt secure in my marriage for years but he didn’t get that. He thinks security is all about finances and possessions which we had. It will never be enough. At least I only have to rely on myself now. I am secure and it’s wonderful. Take care. Love Shar xx
I’m 57 and am thinking of finally getting out from under him. How did you financially prepare to separate ?
I messed up my email. It’s fixed now
Hi Suzan,
if you google my name plus “financial abuse”, I hope that there is information there which can help you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Marian,
sending you love and I am so pleased you are recovering and that my material has helped.
Mel 🙏💕💛
A great video all so true. Should be taught to all prior to commencing a relationship lol how to get out of it if needed. When you are there it’s hard to be calm enough to think clearly. Hoping this reaches many and makes it a little easier for them. Imagine relationships were NARP was started by both before the big tangles involved with kids or joint ventures. Hoping that one day you will do a modified version for younger people or can this be done already with kids or teens? Or another of your programs. What age is good to begin? With so many anxious youth this could be useful.
Hi A non,
With NARP it is so important for the parent to be doing the inner work for the child to get the benefit.
I am a great fan of us parents leading the way by doing NARP healings on ourselves, because where we shift our children follow.
As adults absolutely they can work with the inner tools if they wish.
Having said this, there are NARPer parents that organically their children have started doing QFH shifts on themselves (their own versions) or have wanted to participate in healings.
It is absolutely pointless when parents try to make their kids do healings when thay are not being that example themselves. children, and rightly so, only push back. This is why, until enough of us shift I am not keen on creating programs for younger people.
We have to be the people we want our children to be first. There is no other way.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Wow, what courage! I applaud you.
Wow- Thankyou! I’m about to leave in the next month when a our villa is renovated. I have been saying I’m going but I need to be quiet about it. It’s good to know it may be harder once I’ve left so I’m prepared for that. The smearing has started and threats of killing anyone I have a relationship with in the future! Time to heal and thrive.
Hi Linda,
stay smart and safe.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mel, I gave been following your pages for the last 10 years or so! My narc left me 4 years ago in his home! He left me a note and took all his belongings!!! For 2 years I stayed in his home and then he began coming for dinner, slowly, took me a holiday then asked me to get married and buy a new house! I said at the time no bigger fancier house would ever make him any happier but agreed! We bought the most beautiful house and I was put on the deeds, 4 years down the line and no marriage and he has now sold his company and around the house all day every day? I am menapausal and can’t tokerate him being around me all day! I have a life and feel he doesn’t! I am up and out everyday and he is at home! Doing not a lot! I feel he is depressed but have always thought this but seems worse now! He plays in a band and drinks fri and Saturdays and that’s it! Think he has a drink problem too. It’s all or nothing! Doesn’t drink through the week as all or nothing so it’s nothung! I have no energy to even look at him, don’t think menapause helping! Intolerant off a few things and so tired all the time! Anyway I only work 2 days a week and he has all the money and I am frightened to leave my house and lifestyle at 54, I feel this is better than having nothing! I am busy with lots and caring for mum and dad and have grandkids and friends and life I have created when he left me the last time! I am going to a lawyer just to figure out my rights and we are not married but engaged and been together for 14 years! I read everything off yours and feel kind off equipped to deal with this but just can’t be bothered with a change and figuring out with no money where to go or what to do????!!!!!!! 😢
Hi Jo,
I know you have been reading and watching my information for quite some time but have you committed to the inner work?
That is where you will get the shift on the inside to truly cn=hange your life.
The limiting beliefs and traumas that are stopping you are the real blocks, no matter what your life and even future possibilities may or may not seem to be.
Have you come into my free webinar to go deeper?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
It is my strongest suggestion for you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
You have said nothing to indicate he is a narc. You keep saying you’re menooaussl and intolerant. Maybe you’re part of the problem!!??
I have been with him for 14 years and I know but obv being menapausal is making my intolerance to him worse! I am busy and always have been! But to not have any space in own home is freaking me out! I asked him again last night what is happening? Saying nothing has changed since last chat last week and he has said nothing and been in house for an entire week! He said he was going for cigarettes and that was that! He has no emotions I know this and will never communicate and he is defo up to something! He left 4 years ago and who knows what he is upto next! How can anyone live like that? I think I know him well enough to know what he is !!!!
@Jo…So why are you still there ..stop blaming menopause and complaining…..and do Narp. Staying a victim is not pretty.
I left the narc jerkoholic back in March 2018. He took months & then hoovered me through our daughter. I had to talk to him, about his insurance anyway. One or two nice messages & then the attack & ghosting. He pulled this two more times & tried to get financial information. I talked him to death via email, telling him nothing. I told him about the families financial exploitation & he threatened they could sue me for false information. He stood up the one who is doing & dragging our daughter with him, while he abuses her. He didn’t stand up for our daughter, of course, he didn’t. He doesn’t care if she goes to prison. The SOB went too far this time. He threw the law in his face, asked him where my personal pictures are? His answer was ghosting. All I have to say is “Bye, bye baby, baby goodbye. I’M DONE!! Of course, they, God knows how many, went on Linkedin to smear my name so bad & most believed it. You can not always see he likes your post. My families name comes up on Linkedin near 100 times & no acct. I can block until I’m blue in the face, but they come right back in under another name. People they know, I don’t, befriend me, but I caught on & I’m leaving Linkedin. My daughter runs to my ex & tells him everything, making a bad situation more dangerous. Now, they are saying, divorce is getting too dangerous. Think twice before you do. I don’t care about being married in name only. Men keep sniffing around to see if I’m easy. I hate men (except, those who are nice) gave them up for Lent. I went no contact, from them all just before April of this year. A credit union is being investigated, I caught illegal power of attorney papers & the bank forged my name, stole over $500 & refused to do anything & then tried to smear my name. The police are on my side. My proof is excellent. Him & I are done & I’m opening up an organization called “Angel at Work” for any abuse towards anything that breaths. Going back into singing Songs like Madonna’s “Fire in the Rain” “Oh, Father” Josh Groban’s “Don’t Give Up! You are Loved.” Dumping them all & finding new/nice people. I already helped a few & made a sister. Don’t need any stinken man. I brought a step stool in purple with white polka dots, of course, so I don’t need 35″ arms to reach the top shelf. I can fix my own damn plumbing. The FTC called this a mess & reporting it & going to court armed with a mountain of proof. He is in a Federal medical building.
Dear Melanie,
Thank you for this last video which was very helpful. I managed to get My Narc out of the rental house we have been in since December, at the end of July, having had to sell our home because of his financial/start up business decisions, and am now trying to pick up the pieces in terms of finding another place to rent, finances, work, divorce, children etc. I was interested to hear about your 24/7 support. Do you have telephone support/councelling or is it just online? I would be interested.
Many thanks.
Best,
Alex T-N nee Bass
Hi Alex,
It’s my pleasure.
That’s great you have found the strength to make your new life, and healing and support can make an incredible difference.
The support is the on-line NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member which has moderators who are NARP Program specialists and also who been through incredible life rebuilds, as well as other members from all over the world to assist you.
This comes with Gold NARP membership, and the success rate of recovery is truly exceptional.
NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is completely guaranteed. There is no risk to become a member, enter and try the program and the support structures.
I hope this helps explain.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
How do you keep giving and loving and supporting people who do not seem to understand that being whole is not only up to them, and NOT the NARC, but that BEING WHOLE does not mean destroying others?
What kind of ‘good’ are we envisioning? What are we calling ‘good’? An improved evil? A different winner at the game of hatred?
UNIVERSAL LOVE ALONE IS GOOD. UNIVERSAL LOVE ALONE IS WORTH OUR ATTENTION AND ASPIRATION. THEREIN ONLY IS ETERNAL PEACE.
Aren’t we RATHER looking to be made whole from within STARTING FROM PURE SOURCE and extend an atmosphere of PEACE, LOVE and JOY to the WHOLE WORLD since there is only ONE FIELD OF SOURCE? NARCS are INCLUDED in this ONE FIELD!! We are FREE and empowered to LOVE ALL.
If we have been truly hurt to the point of finally becoming teachable, then we know what DOES NOT work. Having been recipients of the emptiness of Narc relationships, we know what pain is. We know the attitudes and behaviors that harm, destroy (end the existence of), and poison life and we are not about to become the ones who bring pain.
Unkindness does not work. Ignoring people does not work. Holding repulsion towards others in thought (even if unspoken) does not work.
EVIL DOES NOT WORK. Do we understand this?
To maintain, sustain and promote LIFE FOREVER in TRUTH and PEACE and JOY, we have to transmute hatred itself – not just the stuff in our private experience. Who wants any other life? What else can be really called ‘good’ unless EVERYBODY WINS?
The idea of being afraid to leave because of ‘financial’ considerations is like condoning life in depression as an acceptable alternative to FREEDOM . This is not only self sabotaging, it is a terrible example for others in recovery. There is NO price that is ok to pay or accept in exchange for freedom and peace and power and joy and happiness and TRUTH! “Financial stability” is a false ‘good’. A Cold War. A cancer. A covert evil. A terrible example. Worse than showing up homeless because of taking a stand. In my humble opinion.
One point about QFH for ‘youth’. I TOTALLY AND DEEPLY DESIRE QF TOOLS for YOUTH… as early. as Middle School.
I am praying now about school shootings and it occurs to me that young people very much need the tools to learn to turn inwards and be free. Let’s equip them with the armor of CONNECTION to SOURCE. QF is about learning how to make connection to their SOURCE a regular practice and removing emotional blocks to the process. I would support this teaching at the earliest possible age as regular pedagogy in the all schools in the world. A little child will lead them.
Hi Iris,
Thank you again for your thoughts and share.
Truly and sadly the inner trauma can be so big that to lose these defences does feel like one could be annihilated.
I have deep compassion for this because once upon a time I really felt like that myself.
I was fortunate that I broke so badly that there was only one place to go … inside to let go of the trauma and defences. The pain and situation I was in was worse than the terror of annihilation I had.
My deepest prayer is that people don’t need to get to where I was to finally let go of them.
I believe in us all, with love, holding the space for these others to join us.
What we inherently know now Iris is because we have reached this side without trauma … for others they will not know it until coming here. They cant. The shift comes after not before.
I hope this explains.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much for the work you do, and your passion and dedication to sharing this amazing process. You are an earth angel 🌻. I wish I would have found your blog sooner; I am now 15 years post since leaving/divorcing the narc husband, and 6 years no contact with a narc sibling. Even after therapy I still had a heaviness, darkness, and depression that always engulfed me.
I have been doing your program for about 6 months and have felt an incredible relief and lightness for the first time in my life. I feel I am truly getting to be the real me for the first time at 50-something yrs old. Thank you, you are a blessing.
Hi Hannah,
You are welcome and thank you for your loving words.
I am so thrilled that you are working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and healing for real now!
I am so happy for you!
Many continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
Do you have steps to follow if you just can’t leave the narcissit. I have children at home and no family or friends at all to go to if I leave. I am financially strained because on minimal salary of medical leave for adrenal fatigue and c-PTSD so I feel not safe and solid to support my kids alone , so afraid to take that big step. I am so terrified of what I have trapped myself in isolation, what is the first vital step to do first in NARP. I have been doing the program diligently for so long but doesn’t at all give me confidence on how to get away.The healing itself is going so small increments ad not showing any improvement in my life , I’m fearful that if I do this know will just collapse in ruins in everything. Please any insight I would appreciate!
Hi Janine,
I would love you to come into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where we can guide and support you.
If you are not in the forum yet, please email [email protected] so that we can get you connected.
This is the best support for you in your situation.
Love and hugs
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have decided to leave the relationship with the narc after he became controlling. At first he was so nice and caring, but then focussed on our sexual life. He would have weird fantasies that I told him I felt uncomfortable with , but he would not listen. Some of these fantasies were that he used to tell me to think that I was having sex with an under age girl, although I was his girlfriend. I believe that the way you describe to leave is the right way, and he has already told me that never think of leaving him as he would follow me and get me back with him. Fat chance, my decision is to improve my life, not his !!
Hi Julie,
awww gosh how unsavoury.
Yes, leave… absolutely.
Mel 🙏💕💛
You have said nothing and shown no evidence that he is a narc. Just because he felt comfortable to ask you about sexual tole playing doesnt make him a narc.
Hey Nick. You have been repeatedly trolling this page telling women what their OWN experiences are.. …you’re not living them. Side note, I’ve known 3 narcissists…. all 3 were named Nick. P.S, you know what IS narcissistic? … MANSPLAINING to VULNERABLE women downplaying and dismissing their OWN lived experiences.
Goodbye.
You have said nothing and shown no evidence that he is a narc. Just because he felt comfortable to ask you about sexual tole playing doesnt make him a narc.
My boyfriend was kind and caring, then when he realised he was getting what he wanted, he started to be a bit withdrawn emotionally. When asked, he said that he was shy, and that he was spoilt by his mum. I have also seen him open up to me about personal things that he would not tell anyone else. I am a bit confused as to whether he is narcissist or whether he is really insecure and the way he is is down to the way he was raised by his family. He tells me that he emotionally puts on a hard front to everyone to hide hisshyness, is this something you have heard of before?
Hi Debbie,
Please note that these signs really need to be present for someone to probably be suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/are-you-with-a-narcissist/
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
Could you please help with this one. I feel the need to ask these “is this normal?” -questions, which breaks my heart. After n abuse, the concept of “normal” has become very clouded. I endured n abuse 5 years and thought it was normal, or if not normal, somehow he made me feel I deserved it, it was my fault and I triggered it.
Anyway, now after healing a couple of years and feeling quite balanced and strong again, I met a new man and had the courage to start to date him. He seemed pretty nice. He has been in my home many times, he is safe in that way.
Then we had a fight, I don’t usually even want to “fight” with anyone about anything, it was more like a minor missunderstaning…but his reaction was surprisingly strong: he blocked my phone number! There was no chance for me to apologize, clear, explain, reconcile anything with a person who has blocked me! So I went to a phone box that I could call from an anonymous number (how desperate is that?). Then I was somehow able to heal the connection, he unblocked me, we were seeing many times and things were pretty nice again. He said he’d like to have me as his girlfriend, even maybe marry me some day!
I explained him how his blocking had made me feel. I felt totally anxious, blocking doesn’t really solve anything, that communication is the number 1 thing in a relationship and his action and if he blocks me, it makes me powerless, I feel it’s actually a violent act. He listened, I think he understood, apologized and promised he will never block me again.
Fast forward 2 weeks, little “fight” (mainly produced by tiredness, stress and therefore not so well chosen words, but nothing so serious I think)…and he has blocked me again!! I’m at my wits end…I run out of mental and technological capacity to resolve this block again! Quite frankly I myself don’t even know how to block someone from my phone, I have never done it and would never done it! I have only ever unsubscribed me from some emailing lists, which is non-personal. But he has blocked me!! My all numbers, from all his numbers. How crazy is that?
I can’t take this anymore. Is this in anyway normal? The n gave me long silent treatments but even he didn’t ever blocked my number!! I feel this new man is NOT a n, but why he acts this odd way?
Even when he was nice and we had some nice times, I don’t feel he would be “the one” for me. I’m sure he is otherwise a good man and I don’t actually believe he is a n despite this crazy behaviour…but maybe anyways I would not had wanted to continue a relationship with him. I feel we didn’t had enough in common, maybe not enough chemistry, attraction etc. So probably the relationship would had ended pretty soon anyway. But I would never had wanted it to end this way! I would have wanted it to end a more friendly, polite, calm, adult way. Now he was shouting me on the phone that he will never talk to me again, and ever since he has blocked me. So what now? Would it be the best for me in this situation, that I let go of all this and him and just forget about it all? Because there’s nothing else I can do now! I can’t talk with him, because I cannot reach him. Of course I could use my friends’s phone…but I’m done with this craziness and humiliating myself! I’m quite sure if a man would really care about me and want to be with me, would not behave in this way!! I can imagine he is now sitting alone at home with his blocked phones…does he get some satisfaction from that? I’d be much more satisfied if we would talk and resolve this in an adult manner. But I can’t with a person who refuses to talk with me. How annoying. The first time block was shocking, the second time even more shocking, because I had already explained him how bad it makes me feel and he promised never to do it again. As if he hadn’t been listening to me at all! How could I trust this kind of a person ever again? :/
I’m glad we did not had sex! I would regret that now. A little voice inside me said “don’t do it”. The inner being knows everything!! Something felt off and now I know…yep, something definitely was off. I’m not perfect either, but his behaviour made me feel bad.
Hi Elina,
Please know this is NOT normal and it incredibly narcissistic suspect.
What is really important here Dear Lady is the turning inwards and healing the part of you that feels traumatised and confused by this – truly.
I totally understand the pain and confusion as this is to do with ‘abandonment programs’ which I suffered from previously as well. I can’t recommend NARP enough to heal the inner programs that you need to, in order to get out of the painful relationship patterns that are so common, once we have suffered a narcissist.
That is NARP’s specialty http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
If you want more information about this, then I can’t recommend my free webinar enough http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
It is your time to truly heal and be done with these behaviors in your life forever.
Sending love and power to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Aww, thank you. Not normal, good to know!
I think my pattern was also to be be overly loyal and faithful, no matter what and even feel quilty for “abandoning” people. But this man does not make me feel good, I don’t like his behaviour, so why “should” I be still be with him? :/ I don’t want.
I have this miserable feeling, after n abuse and have done enormous amount of healing work, how on earth I have failed AGAIN? But I’d like to think it this way: I had the courage to start to live again (and date). This man seemed somewhat interesting. I wanted to take the chance and get to know him and now when I know him little bit better, I do not want to be with him anymore. Isn’t this a completely healthy approach, and not a “failure”? If I can detach after about 5 weeks and not continue with a toxic dynamics like 5 years (like with the n)…then this must be progress and a sign that at least I’m little bit more healed now? 🙂
But to be honest, I do feel quite bad now, even shocked.
It’s interesting, I seem to have this automatic thought pattern, if someone (like this man) behaves badly, treats me wrong, somehow I think I AM wrong. Like it was my fault. But I realised, I am not, ever, responsible for the way how other people behave? Even if I’m sometimes silly, triggered, whatever…this man chose to behave this way. It wasn’t my fault or decision. This is all very annoying, but if I was able to survive n abuse, I think I’ll get over this too…:)
Hmm my ex narc girlfriend would block me when i tried to reason, call her out on her double standards or defend myself, bam blocked and silent treatment. This is one technique or behaviour narcs use to feel powerful and take power ftom you. Dont put up with this emotional abuse!
I am just learning about the narsacitic personality. I had no idea this is what has been wrong for the past 10 years of my life! I was recently divoriced when I met my husband. He came in like my saving grace. But as time has passed he is not at all the man I thought I knew. He doesn’t even look at me the same anymore. I gets looks of pure disgust but of course he says it’s all in my head. We have broken up probably 10 to 15 times in 10 years and now we have a 3 year old little boy who mostly adores his dad. I know I need to leave him. For the past 2 years solid he yells at me from the time he gets home from work until he leaves the next morning. Life is complete hell. But I am scared to leave. Why am I scared? I have no one to turn to any more. My friend and family have turned away from me because I keep going back. I know I need to get out. But I don’t know how. I am also concerned about raising my child in a divorced family. That tears children apart. I have 2 children from my previous marriage. I’ve seen the effects and thier dad is a great dad. Not a narcissist by any means.
Hi Amber,
I’d love to offer you help and support – which is in the form of my free webinar. It is a way for you to get relief, answers, power and strength http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have been married for 13 years and just pretty much found out that my husband is a covert narassist. (Or at least I beleive he may be ) I have lost quite a few people to death in the last 10 years including all 4 of my parents (I was adopted ) and my sister. My husband showed no support or empathy and made me feel really bad for showing any feelings . Nothing I do is ever good enough for him , we don’t have sex because he decided I didn’t curl my hair enough or put on makeup. Sex is always on his terms and he knows I’m not happy about it. He either says I need to lose weight or buy some new clothes or whatever . He is never on my side , he has blamed me for him losing his job and losing our house when it happened, I have been arrested for domestic battery when I called the cops after he hit me, he lied to the cops and because I was having a problem with substance abuse at the time I was the one arrested and pretty much made to beleive I deserved it . I lost my nursing license due to the criminal charges, and lost custody of my son, that was ten years ago . Since then he has had me arrested again 4 years ago and spent 6 months in jail and lost custody of my son again ! I have left him twice and gone back , he makes my life miserable when I leave him. He has a gun in one of my friends face at one point and the cops sided with him like they always do. He is so nice to me the last time I left him and I really beleived he had changed but he was just doing that to get to my money I had from an inheritance and then moved in with me and went back to his old ways. He keeps saying he is going to move out since it’s my apt but I don’t think he is. We also have an 11 year old son that I adore and I’m scared he is going to take him. He threatens that all the time if I try to leave him. I work full time and keep our finances separate except my car is in his name but I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this, be never talks to me and of coarse puts down everything I like etc , he knows how important it is to me to travel and he refuses to make any plans for any trips if he thinks that would possibly make me happy. I know that crap is hurting our child and I think I need to get over the fact that he will ever change or see my point of view in anything . Of coarse I have night terrors and ptsd from the last ten years losing my child and going to jail and losing my career and I have no support or friends left due to him . I’m 50 years old now but I’m scared to be alone in a way but I’m living alone now it seems. He doesn’t hit me anymore but if you ask him I’m the problem!!!!! So should I go now ?
Hi Melanie; I think the worst shock for me was the unravelling of cognitive dissonance. The unfolding of the lies, the manipulation and minimization and how my own mind had accepted this information rather than trusting my own intuition. Realizing his tactics were in fact those of an Altruistic Covert Narcissist was another shock. Before my internet search to try to understand, I’d never even heard of them. Eventually I was lead to your program and it has really helped me to understand how important the inner work is so that I can heal trauma and become all that I was meant to be. And yes, this program really speeds up the process of healing compared to alternatives. Having gone through a previous N relationship, it took a staggering amount of time to heal and at least function. I also think it’s wonderful that you are offering financial assistance to people, many who are struggling financially during this upheaval in their lives. Thank you for this great program!
Hi Kathy,
it is a shocking unfoldment – soul-crushing!
I’m so happy that you found NARP to heal.
It’s my pleasure and I’m so pleased I could help you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Is there any way that you can stay in the mutual home you own together while ending it? I want to keep the house and if I leave I don’t think he will take care of it – I have nowhere to go with my pets. Our family is intermingled as my sister married the narcs brother and they are his monkeys now. Sure they talk to me but he always gets one up and they cater to him – I get the shaft. My mom is 80 and lives in elderly housing. Help.
Hi CP,
please know there have been people in this community who have effectively broken up whilst living under the same roof.
I highly recommend empowering and healing yourself enough to be able to do this. I’d love you to check out my free resources http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse To start unravelling this and taking back your power.
I hope that this can help
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚