Melanie Tonia Evans

10 Lessons Learned From 10 Years In Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 33
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


Today is an exciting day for Thriving!

Because I am sharing with you my compendium of the ten top lessons that I have learned over the last ten years in narcissistic abuse recovery.

You may already know and embody these lessons – or you may not have started yet.

Either way, if you start working with and aligning with these lessons, not only will you achieve recovery from narcissistic abuse in ways and time frames that will stun you…

You will also open yourself up to receive the life of your dreams.

Truly… These changes will infiltrate your life in incredible ways.



Video Transcript

I’m so excited about today’s Thriver TV Episode, because in it I get to share with you the ten most important lessons that I have ever learned for narcissistic abuse recovery.

These are important lessons.

They are vital lessons.

They saved my life.

They allowed me to heal from the unhealable and Thrive. Also, they have set the basis for thousands of other people, just like you, to do the same.

And I can’t wait to share them with you.

But before I do…

Thank you if you have subscribed to my channel, I am so grateful for you supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do.

If you like this video, make sure to give it a thumbs up!

Okay, let’s get started.


Lesson #1 – It Is Impossible to Think Your Way Out of Trauma

You need to know this more than anything – thinking, talking, researching and filling your brain with more information does not stop obsessive thinking.

Obsessive thinking is a by-product of being traumatised. And the more you try to think your way OUT of it, the more traumatised you become. This is because the only thinking you have access to is the thinking ABOUT it.

The brain follows the body. It is the servant of it, not the master.

I have done many Thriver TVs about Quantum Healing and why it is the true way to heal for real, but suffice to say here, if you think ‘more thinking and information’ helps you, you are heading more deeply into Wrong Town.

There is another way – a true way to heal. This ‘true’ way is at the level of the body, working on your nervous, somatic and emotional systems at their core, where the trauma that is affecting your entire life is stored.

I want you to understand this: when the trauma is healed at its core there is NO trauma left for you to manage with thinking.

Both the body and the mind will completely calm down, creating space for relief, calm, power and new directions.


Lesson #2 – If You Remain Victimised, More Victimisation Comes

This lesson, at the start of recovery, is a tough one to accept but is so necessary.

Initially, I was totally a victim. I hadn’t realised that I needed to heal me. I completely blamed him and I thought my life was beyond repair. I thought I was finished.

In this state, and whilst going on abuse forums and communicating with other people about how bad narcissists are, I was denying my own love and healing back to wholeness.

When I stopped banging on about narcissists and made MY healing my greatest priority, I found many unhealed parts of myself. Aspects of myself that not only had allowed me to unconsciously accept him into my life, but had not allowed me to leave and look after me.

Healing those parts of me was what took all the abuse symptoms, fears and traumas away.

All the painful things that would have been my lifelong legacy, if I remained a victim.

I healed and evolved beyond them all!


Lesson #3 – Once the Trauma Is Inside You It Is Yours to Be Responsible For

This lesson is intertwined with Lesson #2, and like Lesson #2 can be challenging to accept initially.

It is this… As an adult, there is no-one coming to save you.

The people who have hurt you are not going to fix what they did, and no outside force is going to magically take the pain away.

Any external relief will be fleeting and temporary.

This means regardless of how the trauma got there, who put it there, and even what it is, the only way true recovery can happen is if you meet your Inner Being and start releasing your trauma.

When I finally GOT this, I realised how liberating it was to stop waiting for anything else and I just got down to the real mission that was my life – tending to the healing of my inner self, which is where my entire life unfolds from.

That changed everything. The pain went, and real life began.

I realised how disempowering it had been, trying to make other people provide me with self-soothing, love, approval, security and survival. I finally knew I had the power to generate these things within me!


Lesson #4 – It Was All Meant to Be

The more awakened we become, the more we come to this realisation: ‘I understand now why that happened.’

This understanding comes very quickly once we start healing from the inside out.

Virtually every time I accessed ‘what hurts’ in my dedicated Inner Thriver Recovery, I found a trauma and a false belief that came from my past.

The ‘ahhas’ came thick and fast, allowing me to know that the narcissist was the ‘messenger of my wounds.’

He represented the delivery of exactly the parts of myself that were still unhealed. The ways that I was hard on myself; the ways I didn’t self-partner. He brought to light my greatest terrors to do with love, safety, security and survival.

In my relationship with him, I got to see how I would dismiss myself and my health in order to not be abandoned by him. I realised how my previous abandonment wounds had led to me drastically abandoning myself.

Once I had healed these parts within, I become the happiest, healthiest version of myself that I could ever imagine. I was finally self-partnered, whole, solid and safe in my own body and in my life.


Lesson #5 – The Value of Your Soul is Everything

Before Thriver Recovery my identity’s value was NOT about my soul.

It was about outer things such as the relationship I was in; how much security I had; and what I owned. And it was completely about what other people thought of me.

When myself and my life were smashed into oblivion by narcissistic abuse, all that was left was me with me. It was then, after turning inwards to save my own soul by letting go of all the trauma within, that I was reborn.

I emerged knowing the truth – that I had the ability to be whole in my own soul, regardless of what I did or didn’t have.

Once achieving this became my highest mission, things started unfolding in the most miraculous ways to grant me more wholeness.

I have seen in my own life, and now in the lives of countless others, that when your soul is your highest priority, then all else in your life comes back online. It heals and starts to flourish – even including your children.

When you value your Inner Being, which is the seat of your soul, then all of Life and Creation (Source) honours you completely, too.


Lesson #6 – Releasing Judgement to Be the Solution

What are people’s inner values and truth?

Have they developed from Oneness, authenticity and feeling safe and secure within their own Being? Or are they about separation, distrust, hiding out and acting to try to survive?

How many children grew up not being whole on the inside and therefore became damaged children in adult bodies?

Is there peace and love, or rage and fear driving a person’s actions that they may be deeply unconscious about?

I learned to drop judgement, pain and resentment about other damaged people, and instead concentrate on cleaning up my half of the road.

The best we can all do now is to heal our own Inner Being, knowing that this assists the healing of the whole.

The more you judge and condemn, the more it hurts you and is not a solution to the issues. It only helps hold them in place. If you are still carrying trauma, you are spreading the infection to others and you will remain a potential victim and target of it – instead of easing it.

However, by healing your own Inner Being and inspiring others to heal theirs, there is a movement away from being abused. This helps release the entire abuse pattern, for you and for your future generations.


Lesson #7 – We Can’t Heal Our Children if We are Unhealed

Before I understood this truth about Thriver Recovery, I desperately tried to rescue my son instead of healing myself.

The result was that he pushed back and pulled away.

My energy was damaged and toxic to be around, and I was not leading the way for him.

When I finally let go of trying to heal and control him, and took full responsibility for my own healing, he started to get well too.

Additionally, to this day, every time I do a Quanta Freedom Healing shift on myself (NARP) I have the intention that my healing is also his healing.

The results are miraculous. Where I go, he follows.


Lesson #8 – People Love You How You Love Yourself

I used to believe that people would love me the way I loved them.

My life was about people-pleasing and handing away my rights and power to try to make them provide me with love, approval, security and survival.

A great deal of my previous victimisation was about ‘How dare you treat me so badly after what I gave you!’

Then I woke up out of the trance and understood that what we accept is what we will get. That people mirror back the way we think about and love and treat ourselves.

You will never accept a level of love lesser than the level you love yourself.

When you heal the foundational relationship, which is the true relationship in your life, the one you have with your Inner Being, then you will have and maintain relationships with other whole healthy people.


Lesson #9 – Nothing Stops Until You Stop Participating

We think we are saying ‘No’ to something by pushing back on it and wrestling with it.

I was a chronic over-participator.

I would argue, defend, lecture, prescribe, try to fix, and roll around with abusers, trying to do everything to make then change so that I could have a healthy and happy life.

If you relate to this, pause this video and put your hand up to being a chronic over-participator in the comments below.

I learned that to have a healthy and happy life, I needed to STOP participating and simply state my values and truths. That I needed to pull back into them and just BE them, and only allow these values and truths into my life.

No more judgement, anger or trying to change others. Rather, my life became – that is their truth; this is my truth – and if it’s not a match that’s fine!

Then true freedom to BE me became possible.

It will for you, too.


Lesson #10 – There Is No Outside

This lesson is pretty Quantum – and so powerful when you work with it. It allows you to take full responsibility for your life to eternally grow and generate powerfully.

As Neale Donald Walsch said in his book Conversations With God, ‘I only send you Angels.’

I learned to accept that everyone in my experience was showing me an aspect of myself.

If they hit a trigger within, it was an unhealed part.

When narcissists co-create painful or disappointing events with you, they expose for you the evidence of a painful belief for you to heal and break free from.

And if people reflect back to you love, kindness and benevolence, these are healthy beliefs that you are starting to have about yourself, life and others.

When we use the contextual field as a tool for self-awareness and actualisation, then life has richness, depth and meaning as well as exciting growth possibilities and directions.

However, please don’t think in this self-reflection that you won’t address your outside world. You will, but in more effective ways than you ever have before.

Maybe your growth lesson is about overcoming your fear that others have power over you. What this means is that you can release yourself from that inner fear and start showing up, having difficult conversations, laying boundaries and even taking decisive action against someone when they don’t honour your expressed boundaries.

Doing this is an act of self-love.

Quantum self-actualisation is not fluffy new-age woowoo. It is about becoming the most authentic, real, empowered, effective and loving person you can be.

Okay, so I hope this video has helped.

If you are already working with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), you are anchoring into these truths, which come into full organic realness when you lose your inner trauma.

If you are struggling with your narcissistic abuse recovery, the embodiment of these ten lessons will grant you powerful and fast relief.

To embody and start living by these lessons, you can join me and the Thriver Tribe by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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62 Thoughts on 10 Lessons Learned From 10 Years In Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
    Jennifer Mathew
    September 26, 2019

    Great list!!

    A quick way to think of it all is the 4 R’s of Recovery: Recognize, Release, Replace, Rejoice, (and Repeat as necessary).

    September 26, 2019

    Dearest Angel Mel,
    You truly are heaven sent and I am eternally grateful for NARP and the beautiful container of the Forum.
    I can only look at the miracle that has happened in my life in the two 1/2 short months (has it really only been that?!) since starting NARP. I was on my last legs when I decided to go for it and bought NARP.

    I am singing your praises and the NARP Community daily. Everyone asks me what has happened that I have such well being now ! and they want to know how.

    I just wanted to express my Love and Gratitude.

    Flame xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2019

      Awww Flame,

      so much love to you darling heart!

      I’m thrilled that NARP is helping you soooo quickly! (As it does when you are REALLY ready to heal!)

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel 🙏💕💛

        Melisa Lee
        September 27, 2019

        Hi Mel,
        Flame is so fortunate to be moving along quickly with her recovery. It took me a long time to let go of the narcissistic man in my life. I spent three years being completely baffled by his behavior. It wasn’t until I discovered a description on Wikipedia of adult to adult narcissistic behavior that it clicked, and then I discovered you. The information you provided and the manner in which you delivered it was very comforting. I understand your theory of going within, but I think the first and most important step has been becoming informed and receiving, even virtually, the loving support. It took me two years to let go. Now I have, and now it’s time for me to work on me. I want to thank you for being there during this most difficult phase of my life. Your work and your support has been invaluable during such a dark and crazy-making time. Much love to you. Thank you!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 27, 2019

          Hi Melisa,

          please know darling lady that we can get all the head information in the world, but unless our body ‘feels it’ then it is not real for us.

          I spent years too ‘finding out’. The pain didn’t go in that time, I kept swimming in it.

          When I found OUT how to get the trauma OUT with NARP work then I got well.

          If I had my time over (and I did) with narcissist number 2 – I would do it quickly. And I did – I recovered from the trauma hook of him in one week, as opposed to 5 years with N number 1.

          Because I DID the right inner work to purge him, the trauma that bound me to him, and the painful beliefs that matched his abuse out of my inner being.

          I will never believe honey that the LONG way is the right way, not when we have these powerful tools now.

          However, I will say everyone’s journey no matter how it looks is personal and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way in that – it is just that getting free of the pain and limitations DOES serve us and everything and everyone we touch so MUCH better.

          So much love to you too sweetheart and its brilliant now that you are ready to heal.

          Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 26, 2019

    My God, Melanie! Thank you SO much! May I share with you what I shared with community this weekend?
    My Fiancee of 4 yrs, going on 6 has cheated on me around 12 times. I have just bought my first house at the age of 40! So proud of myself because I am FINALLY putting myself and my 12 year old daughter first! Whoop! Whoops.
    I still feel bereft and lost without him…
    Logically ridiculous but heart does not agree…

      nicole descoteaux
      September 26, 2019

      Oh Caroline! YOU are worth sooo much more than that…Its not your heart, its your peptides and your trauma bond..I’ve been there, I’m out now and although I thought the pain would never end it is gone. NARP really works. IDK if you have ever seen Dave on the youtube channel Narcology Unscripted but pleeeze check him out, I think he will really help! Best and my heart goes out to you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2019

      Hi Caroline,

      yes of course you can!

      Good for you – now your inner health just needs to catch up! Please check out my free webinar. It is the fastest way there!

      With the inner tools, I promise you, you heart will agree.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 26, 2019

    My brother has been smearing me and my two younger brothers going on 10 years. He has accused us of murdering my father, stealing $900k from him,
    shaving my mothers hair after she died and giving it to him, just to antagonize him. And the list goes on and on. We have never responded to any of his horrible lies. I have come very close, but didn’t. He is now 70 years old, is a spiritual channel, an empath, can correspond with aliens, and can help you get to heaven with the least amount of pain. He is out-there, but people actually believe him. He posts things on facebook that are pretty horrible. My question is, How long will this last?

      nicole descoteaux
      September 26, 2019

      Until he dies…I am a registered nurse of 19 years and have cared for countless guys and gals like your brother. Sounds like mental illness and hard to medicate at that age. Sorry!! All you can do is forgive, love from afar if you can, and realize he is ill..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2019

      Hi Joanie,

      truly dear lady, with N’s it lasts, until we heal and purge them from every vestiage of our inner being – then on the outer they shift out of our experience.

      Truly …

      Come into my free webinar and learn more about this – you do have the power to put an end to this.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 26, 2019

    Great video, Mel!
    Excellent reminders.

    Is Tiggy feeling OK? He looks a little off. Kitties hide illness very well and some of his gestures remind me of my kitties when they don’t feel quite right. Has he been drinking lots of water? One other kitty tip: you might want to keep the flowers out of his reach. He didn’t seem too interested in the flowers but the asiatic lilies in your bouquet are toxic to cats should they munch on them, even the pollen can cause kidney issues. Sorry for the off-topic comments… just love cute little Tiggy! You too, of course. 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2019

      Hi DMJ,

      yes Tiggy is fine, just sleepy!! Thank you for asking. He is drinking and eating. Yes, lillies are out of the boutique, were only there for filming! (for that reason).

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 26, 2019

    my hand is UP! Over participater here! I think if I only explain they will see the light. They will understand. They will see my goodness. Oh Lordy what a thing to learn. I am changing every day. Am much less likely to leap in the mud pit with them now. Thanks Mel <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2019

      Hi Jane,

      that is so great you are getting out of the mud! It’s my pleasure Jane.

      Many continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 26, 2019

    Thanks Mel! Great list! I’m getting there. I’ve almost released the narc- but still read too much probably- And admit I’m a little addicted to the hg Tudor essays and comments. I’ve found some good comfort there -but your list #2 reminds me I really should break off the “banging on about narcs and their behavior “
    I’m just still hurt at the imagination that the new supply is getting a great thing- even tho I never did – it came and went and mainly was uncertain and messy.
    I’m sad that my narcs never coming back to say I’m sorry and make things better -but I’m also sensing my own happiness and inner self love more and more. Thanks for your positive messages and program-

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2019

      Hi Kathleen,

      that’s great if you detox yourself from N info and do more NARPing.

      Also please come into the NARP Member’s Forum, we will keep you on the straight and narrow!

      All of the things that er still plaguing you can be POWERFULLY and QUICKLY blasted out in NARP Module work …

      And then you will go free!

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Mary Drew
    September 26, 2019

    I’m off topic too re your adorable Tiggy. If you have lilies in the house and they are in a place accessible to cats, always cut out the pollen bearing stamens. Cats only have to brush by them and then groom themselves to get very ill indeed and there is little chance of recovery. When your lovely boy jumped up, my heart was in my mouth! P.S. Cats are excellent therapists! X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2019

      Hi Mary,

      Yes, lillies are gone.

      Thank you for your concern for Tiggy darling heart.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Carol M Rafferty
    September 26, 2019

    Melanie, you are right about CPTSD doesn’t have to be life long. It is caused by trauma & with the right help you can eventually move forward. You may never forget it, but it is a valuable lesson learned, so you never let it happen to you again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2019

      Hi Carol,

      with Quanta Freedom Healing, once the trauma of CPTSD is released, there is nothing there left of it. Zero lingering.

      It is being empowered and showing up completely differently which keeps us safe in the future.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 26, 2019

    Hi Mel
    I love your videos and the information that you share it’s all so true. Also off this topic I would love to hear an interview with your son as to how he experienced you before narp and after narp as well as what went thru his head when you did your healing around his drug abuse and what he was thinking to make him stop. Would be great to hear that if he is open to it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2019

      Hi Amanda,

      thank you and I’m so glad you enjoyy my material.

      I certainly will ask Zac – I am sure one day he will!

      He’s not totally comfortable with being in front of the camera yet!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 26, 2019

    The best video Melanie- thank you.

    Facing my real life story has taken 7 yrs (A cinderella archetype found out her prince was 100 times worse than elder sisters and mother.)

    Boundaries, space self love and non judgement so necessary to pick up shattered soul and heart from the invisible, tailored mutilation.

    The same story for all us survivors…!

    A UK friend said be ‘Black Adder not a Baldrick 😄

    Your video put me back in drivers seat. My daughter and I are moving (3rd time in 7 years) for better health.

    I’m brimming with trauma after his reactive attacks as I gained strength. (Psychological crimes breaking into my car etc) but it helps me see clearly he is crazy.

    Please help me get on the forum. You are a beautiful soul who’s love extends to those who’s are broken. You give love, hope and sanity to insanity!

    Don’t stop your amazing work ! I felt the trauma ease as you spoke my reality.

    XXE 💕🏆

    September 26, 2019

    thank you again Mel! I am a grandmother and doing the moduls since about 8 months. I have had my children and grandchildren showing up in many, many moduls. The idea of having the intention that they also be healed when I do the moduls resonates a lot. It is encouraging to hear how your healing has affected your son. It’s very powerfull to hear that again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2019

      hi Lourdes,

      I LOVE that you are doing the NARP work for you and your future generations.

      That is where the true evolution and joy is for all of us!

      It SOOOO does work Lourdes.

      So much love to you and your family

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 26, 2019

    The Value of your Soul is Everything. No 1!

    This is something I overlooked time and time again in an effort to please everyone, but me.
    And I thought that others would treat me the same way I treated them. Those rules are null and void to Narcissists.
    Now I do my own healing as soon as a trigger crops up. The more I focus on this, the more the pain alleviates. Until it disappears altogether, and I know that I have done enough within me to make this happen.
    What a revelation. And what a profound way to lead my children into a life of self empowerment, and inner peace and balance. Something I thought a few years ago was about as likely to happen as me winning lotto.
    Now I have won the life lotto, together with my girls. Thanks to you… ♥ 🌹 🌸

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2019

      Hi Possum,

      It truly is everything!

      How beautiful that you are doing the releasing of trauma …

      I love that you are kicking amazing goals for you and your family now!

      Biggest mwah and so much love to you.

      Thank you for being a Thriver Force for all of us.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 26, 2019

    Core truths and much appreciated! Thank you for providing theses understandings. When everything fell apart for me I spent a years in therapy just wanting to understand. Finally gave up therapy and trying to understand. A decade and lots of work later, “10 lessons” brings me a deep peace. Thanks Melanie!❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2019

      Hi Kathy,

      It’s my pleasure and I’m so happy for you that you have your peace!

      Love and blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 26, 2019

    Thank you so much for your videos. I recently left a narcissistic relationship and am struggling with many of the issues that you describe. I too have always thought that if I loved someone with all my being and did everything in my power to make them happy that they would do the same for me. Well, time and time again that has not been the case. I also raise my hand high as being an over participator. Trying and hoping that a miracle will take place and they will recognize and want to work on fixing themselves. Logically, as many have stated, I know that this will not happen and they will never change but my heart is not yet there.
    I am trying and will continue to try and break free from this.

    Joanne Pauline Ashley
    September 26, 2019

    Yes indeed! A chronic over participator here!

    suzanne Humphreys-Hogg
    September 26, 2019

    wonderful. exact !

    September 27, 2019

    I agree with all of these but still really struggle with #9.

    I am trying to distance myself (extricate myself!) from some of these people/situations.

    Although I have made progress I have a long way to go!

    Particularly in the financial area I have been very damaged and they continue to take advantage of a situation although not so much as in the past.

    I dropped a bomb on my son last night and told him that “help” with gas and groceries was going to stop after he got married. I told him if he was old enough to get married then he was old enough to manage his own finances.

    That didn’t go over well. LOL

      September 27, 2019

      Love the list! Can you explain how, in lesson 10, “we co-create painful or disappointing events” with a narcissistic mother when we are a small child? I want to take responsibility for my trauma and remove it, but it seems the trauma was inevitable.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 27, 2019

        Hi Rebecca,

        we pretty much ALL in this community had very painful childhoods.

        Trauma for humankind has been horrific generationally and on this planet as a whole. It’s been wedged in ALL of our DNA’s.

        The buck can stop here will us, now, if we are willing to do the work on the one person we can … ourselves.

        There is nothing else to do

        Mel 🙏💕💛

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2019

      Hi Julia,

      its great that you are going to create boundaries.

      Truly, when we stop enabling someone to not take care of themselves, they have to!

      And if we know that this is the most loving thing we can do for them to empower them – then its easier to do.

      NARP Module 6 is all about healing our over-responsibility to others, and being taken advantage of.

      It’s a happy day when those patterns and programs are healed and sealed up!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 27, 2019

    LOVE this Melanie! Thank you from the deepest depths of my heart…I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me! This all makes perfect sense, and gives me a new understanding of the narcissists in my life, and not only how they operate, but how I’ve wittingly and/or unwittingly participated in these relationships. While I’ve been out of my marriage for quite some time, and now dealing with a covert sibling, I have already been dealing with the sibling far differently than the ex, and this further validates how I am, and need to continue to take care of myself and focus on MY healing process. These insights and truths are indispensable, and get right down to the core of self love and self care. When you know better, you do better!
    Bless you Melanie and thank you for everything you do in helping people like me, move forward to healing, and out of the deep seated clutches of the narcissist!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2019

      Hi Brenda,

      So pleased you do! You are SO welcome 🙂 I’m glad you are better and doing better! Yaya!!

      Mwah and so much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 27, 2019

    This was wonderful, much needed today. Thank you for this gift.

    September 27, 2019

    Melanie: Thank you and all involved for the community you have created.
    By your invitation to contribute re: how I’ve been an “over-participator”, my past and even my current existence depends on the degree and consistency with which I have created a false self that could dance with all the other false selves around me, even when they were not completely or even mostly false, of course. This moment or retrospection is answered to by also saying that to be able to slough all of that off ( in many stages throughout the years) I’ve needed to create my own realistically self-supportive world (in phases), into which I came to meet you and this community and let you in — into areas still trembling. The other way I’ve been an “over-participator” is by un- or de-participating, overly, as a way of not participating, being that participating had to be false. Let me go ahead and divulge that what I was avoiding by both of these positions was the action and choice to accept myself. Both a running away from myself. Not that I am so obviously undesirable, but that it seemed to involve taking care of myself first. And that is what I interpreted and internalized from my “narcissistic” caregiver while growing up — the despicable-ness of being taken care of and therefore the despicable-ness of me, as possibility and then actional-ly, physically, emotionally, and conceptually . . . As if these things wouldn’t have mattered as much if I had felt more understood, or perhaps if I had felt less understood. The interesting thing for me arrived at here is, it would perhaps be good to recognize and understand both — as well as that fairly difficult split between them. Looking at it a little more closely right now, it feels like: if the understanding is that it was not really either of the two, then the recognition of the split between them will turn out to be more feasibly empowering. I should probably take care not to be avoidant. All of this might be of interest to someone, but most definitely doesn’t have to be. Let’s say I wouldn’t wish it to be. Mostly I needed to speak and share it, and mostly unpremeditated. Thanks for letting me, and for your sharing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2019

      Hi Mich,

      thank you for your share and it is wonderful that you feel comfortable enough to do so.

      Mich have you joined me in one of my free webinars yet – ?

      I really want to share with you a startling truth – that when we release the trauma that is driving the fear and the thoughts then what comes is a simple peace … or not needing to know or work anything out. It becomes a beingness from where everything is easy.

      You deserve that – we all do.

      I’d love to show you how to get there.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 27, 2019

    I would like to give the author of this blog a personal round of applause! Very well done all of it including the personalized added touch and replies from the characters. This is all so “professional” looking absolutely no one would suspect a thing! I would like to personally thank you the author of this blog from the bottom of my heart for your help today…yesterday I was only a thriver. Because of you today I became a SURVIVOR!!!! Please keep being you and doing what you do best. This community needs you…so please don’t stop blogging. We need people just like you to help tell your story. Thank you!

      September 27, 2019

      To “Anonymous” above: In her extremely generous (but surely not over-participatory!) teaching/guidance, Melanie advocates stepping up from “survivor” to “thriver”, instead of the other way around. So I’m thinking that maybe you’ve implied (by way of Freudian-slip — which I consider quite valid) a new, personal definition of your own, for the term, “survivor” — in which case I like to think it means maybe you feel you’re making a personal “survival leap” above and beyond the level of “thriving” you had landed, and maybe even know you’ll survive what you know is up ahead. After all, where is self-liberation supposed to end — especially nowadays? At any rate, the (my) previous post that you comment on is also a kind of statement of surviving beyond a lesser level of (“false-self”) thriving in which I had actually and somewhat perversely fancied i had achieved “a rare success”.

    September 27, 2019

    Melanie this is one of my favorite posts. Spot on for all of it. And yes ruminations and head information won’t fix things. I love your term Wrong Town too. It’s hard to heal when you’re still married to narc. Very. I have my own bedroom and outside employment but I need to do more releasing of the toxins and trama. I’m better, much better….but still working on it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 28, 2019

      Hi Anne,

      I’m glad you enjoyed it.

      Sending you healing and breakthroughs.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Nikki VanDenHeuvel
    September 27, 2019

    How do you know what your past traumas are? I struggle to heal from my past narcissistic relationship, but am unsure of what to look at in my past experiences prior to that relationship to work on healing…I deal with alot of anxiety, fear of ending up alone, don’t have many friends outside of my work life…just need a little guidance please…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 28, 2019

      Hi Nikki,

      it’s by going within with an effective tool that you can access them.

      Logically there truly isn’t a way to know specifically or even often remember.

      This is one of the main reasons cognitive therapy is so ineffective regarding healing trauma.

      Please come into my free webinar where you will learn how to connect to and release trauma from your body.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 28, 2019

    Wow! Thank you so much for all the information you shared, i now know that I have several unheald parts that I need to handle. I don’t know what I had done had I not found your articles.

    I have a questioned, I left my ex narc 3 months ago. I have blocked him on my Phone and social media, sadly I still obsess over him. I know that I should’t but I watch his open social media page, look at what he has liked etc, I know that it is wrong but I cant stop myself. I work with him, and it is those weeks when we have met at the office that I obsess. I try to meet him with grey rock. But he really affect me with his warm/ cold behaviour, triangulation etc. so at night I obsess… What shall I do? I cant quit my job.

    September 28, 2019

    Hi Melanie!

    I’d be curious to know…I wonder if you could give some short and precise answers or maybe even examples to this…because I’m not sure where I “am” (after n abuse) currently, at what “stage”?
    What is the difference between being/remaining a victim, or being a survivor or thriver? I think the last one is what/where we aim to be 🙂

    I’m so confused, recently I met a man, who I believe is not a n (like the last one). He made comments like “you should not eat so much chocolate, because then you will have pimples” (that might be true, but who is he to give me advice, he is not a doctor!). “You have some fat in your tummy” (it’s true, pity that I’m a ordinary human being and not a Hollywood celebrity!). “You should speak spanish more fluently” (I speak quite well, but it is not my native language, it’s his native language, and he doesn’t speak other languages, I speak 3 foreign languages!). I felt hurt and offended with this constant “picking”. I have told him about my previous n abuse experience. I don’t think I like him anymore. When I think he hurt my feelings with these comments, I was waiting for him to understand my hurt and apologize. But he didn’t. He became somehow defensive, sarcastic and then he made this comment, that I have “victim mentality” or remain a victim. Do I? I think everyone who are in this forum…have already that much consciousness that we know that somehow we are the source of our (outer) experience…and that automatically takes the victimhood out of the equation? That man made me confused and now I don’t know what to think anymore. Did I do something wrong? He hurt my feelings with thoughtless comments, it hurt my feelings…isn’t that a completely normal reaction? I think the hurt feeling informs me that something was not okay. But has it anything do with me being in a “victim mood”? Gosh, relationships…I wonder if they ever get easier!! 😀

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 29, 2019

      Hi Elina,

      the short answer is ‘Thriving’ means going in towards each triggered painful emotion and doing the inner work on it, rather than trying to work it out logically.

      In the tens of thousands of recoveries, I have facilitated, that is the absolute answer. And NARP is the key to achieve it.

      Okay re this guy criticizing you – that is NOT a healthy relationship.

      The reason you are confused and still in there, is that there are inner beliefs regarding traumas that match his behavior. It is likely that you were invalidated and treated like this as a child, ‘never feeling good enough’ and in earlier relationships. If you clean up the inner traumas and inner programs with NARP, you would no longer tolerate this for 2 minutes any more than you would flap your arms and fly to the moon.

      This man is NOT your love partner for life, he is showing you what you need to heal still.

      Come with me into my free webinar and learn more about ths inner work Elina, it takes ALL the confusion and pain out of this and puts you on a direct path to heal.

      I promise you this – you CAN”T work this out logically. There is another true way to heal, and that is what NARP and Quanta Freedom Healing is all about.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

        September 29, 2019

        Thank you Melanie, I really appreciate your direct words and “ferocity” with this!
        When we watched tv, he commented the women on the television, how they are “ugly”, “lesbians” and “masculine”. They were not! All very pretty women and definitely not lesbians! I found his comments very weird. I could sense…almost like some deep, old resentment, hate, towards all women.
        When I expressed my hurt and was waiting for him to apologize or understand, he instead attacked me by saying how I have hurt HIM. This is very alarming, it can’t be normal or “justified” reaction?

        It’s very very easy for me to slip back to old meaning of old beliefs: “relationships just are not for me, I’m somehow wrong, unfixable, I might just give up, because relationships are always like this”. Ouch, that mindset is very painful place to be! 🙁

        You know, it’s also very easy and tempting to get sucked into the “story”, “he should do this, he shouldn’t have done that, he should change, he should see my point of view, he should apologize”…it’s frustrating (or maybe liberating!?), the we can only control or change ourselves, not other people. What’s also somewhat sad, as much I’d like to heal/help this man on his behalf…it’s just impossible. I can only change/heal myself, my own stuff.

        I did some years ago a relationship course with Katherine Woodward Thomas, and quite frankly I consider her to be the leading relationship expert on the planet! It’s very difficult for me to now avoid my self-loathing…I have got advice from this kind of a relationship expert…and I still fail miserably at relationships. It feels hopeless. I’ve even done some trauma work and energy clearing. It’s very frustrating and painful that I still can’t “make this right” and continue to attract this kind of men I described.
        And it feels so unfair, that many people have never done any inner work at all, have never had any relationship issues at all, ever! They just live happily ever after. Or so it seems. Sorry, I’m generally a positive person, but now I felt the need to went! I’ve had enough!
        Or maybe, I hope, it is that I have merely started the healing journey and not yet finished, therefore not failed…that all this simply means that I still have some more healing to do?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 30, 2019

          Hi Elina,

          you are welcome and thank you for your graciousness.

          Katherine’s work is amazing, she is incredible and SO The real deal – I applaud her and she is a dear friend and colleague. Sometimes Elina, our beliefs are super glued in with a lot of trauma holding them in place Elina, and that is where Quanta Freedom Healing can so powerfully find and remove them.

          I promise you Elina, until QFH, myself and many of us have struggled – DESPITE copious amounts of inner work.

          That is why I am such a fan of NARP!

          Hun, you haven’t failed, you just need a way to truly reprogram your subconscious. Please give NARP a go It’s powerful, direct and incredibly effective and you have a COMPLETE guarantee with it – that if you don’t get incredible results you are completely refunded.

          I completely understand your distress, and I know with all of my heart know how much NARP can help you breakthrough.

          Mel 🙏💕💛

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