I know you may be wondering why you’ve continued to trust someone that keeps hurting you.
Asking yourself why you were so willing to put up with unforgivable behaviour.
Ignoring the little warning signs when they appear is an unfortunate side-effect of narcissistic abuse as is the disbelief and shock at the disgusting things they do.
I understand this completely because I used to feel the same myself.
But what needs to change so you finally stop trusting untrustworthy narcissists?
Is there a way to turn all of this around?
If you are ready to embrace this change and would love to know how to only give your trust to people who deserve it, this Thriver TV episode is a must watch video for you.
I promise you there are powerful tools to help you get past handing your trust to unworthy individuals because fake people do not deserve your trust.
Video Transcript
Let’s talk today about trusting too easily. Why do we do this? Why do we continue to trust even though somebody keeps hurting us? What is it with continually forgiving unforgivable behaviour?
I’m going to talk about that today and more. But before we get into that, I just have an announcement to make. A lot of you might have seen that our Instagram channel just disappeared. We tried to get it back. It was nearly a 100,000 followers and it was just wiped out overnight and we haven’t been able to get it back.
But the good news is, is we now have another Instagram account. It’s not under Melanie Tonia Evans, it’s @quantafreedomhealing. So I want you to look it up and please let’s populate it again. I know you were loving Instagram. We’ve already got lots of posts and we’ve got things happening there. So, make sure that you go there and you start following and also share it with others. I’m really keen on really trying to get us all back in there, because so many beautiful things were happening in Instagram. It’s an awesome platform. So let’s do that.
Remember that if you like the content of this video, please make sure that you share it. And if you’re new to my community and the Thriver work, please subscribe so that you get all of my stuff coming to you, to help you heal.
Trusting Untrustworthy People
Now we’re going to look at trusting untrustworthy people. Why? What’s going on?
Let’s start off with this truth – good people can’t imagine how bad people operate. The fact that you continually trust people and get hurt by people, usually means that you’re an awesome person. You’ve got really good values and good morals and you don’t think or behave in ways that exploit other people.
Therefore, you can’t recognize it when the little warning signs appear. So many of us got stuck in this stuff. You don’t really even comprehend that other people are capable of doing shocking, awful things. Also, you may be horrified by the fact that they do when it’s happened to you.
And righteously, you feel very justified to be horrified that people can do things that you would never dream of doing. Now, I know you’re human and all of this is really normal as it used to be for me. However, none of this is helpful in helping you step out of this pattern in your life of getting hurt by people that you continue to trust.
Rather, there’s a very true acceptance that you need to come to that, yes, there are evil people in the world that do really bad stuff just as there are wonderful people in the world.
If you want to hang on to the painful disbelief and the resentment of bad people, it’s only going to make you an energetic target to keep experiencing them. It’s what used to happen to me and it’s happened to a lot of us in this community.
Then of course, we feel like a victim and we continue to be victimized by that sort of horrible behaviour. I know it seems really counterintuitive, and you might have been thinking that your righteousness is protecting you, but it actually does the exact opposite because we’re living in a Quantum Universe where energy is king. It’s what actually rules what happens. It’s going on in the unseen world before it comes up into our conscious experience in the same world.
If we’re hanging onto the trauma and the disbelief and the shock that there are evil people and they’ve hurt me and the disgusting things they’ve done, these are very laden, powerful, emotional energy “in motion” expressions that are going on in our subconscious.
Now, our subconscious does not differentiate between good or bad. It just says, “Whatever you’re feeling is what you’re Being and I love you so much as a connection with Source and Soul that I’m going to grant you more of what you’re asking for” which in energetic terms is who you are Being.
That’s what ‘be-come’ means, you be it and it comes. We need to wake up out of the trance and say, “I’m going to lose the resentment and all of the righteousness about that. I’m going to accept it’s true and I’m going to do the work on myself so this is no longer going to be my reality.”
If you’ve been stuck in the righteousness and the pain of it and the disbelief and the shock because you’re a good person, I can’t recommend looking at NARP enough, because we’ve got specific modules in the 10-step process that clear all of that shock of what has happened to you – all of the violations and the abuse and being exploited. It will get you beyond that.
Now let’s have a look at the next layer of this.
Belief In Outer Authority
Why do we trust untrustworthy people? Because we hold a belief in outer authority. We really need to unpack this because until we come home to a true relationship with Source and our Soul, which is our oneness with truth, we are not a whole person.
We’re actually looking for salvation outside of ourselves. It’s like being a child looking for a parent rather than being a whole adult in our own body. This is where we’re very susceptible to connecting to False Sources and we take their authority and direction rather than aligning with our own inner values, intuition and truth, and knowing that Source is our authority. No outer force is our authority. It’s our inner force that is.
Here’s the thing, usually in every circumstance, we knew something wasn’t right. When it’s being duplicitous or it’s mining or manipulating or lying or hurting or exploiting us, we knew (if we’re honest with ourselves) something felt funky. We get the inner warning that Source in our Soul is saying, “Hello, this isn’t your truth.”
Yet because we’ve been trained to accept and expect outer forces to be our authority to save us, to make decisions for us and to tell us what our truth is, we dismiss the inner feeling. We don’t back it up. We don’t show up. We don’t question. We don’t investigate. And we don’t do the research and the due diligence. We don’t command transparency. We don’t take a stand for it and create a boundary if somebody wants us to agree with them or go along with them when we feel it’s funky. Then, of course, we talk ourselves out of the bad feeling and we just go along to get along.
A complete turnaround on that system of handing power away is when your Source and your Soul connection becomes your truth and your alignment, then you will stop saying yes when you’re really feeling NO.
A very powerful healing that you NARPers can do (if you are a NARP member) to rectify this is using the Goal Setting Module, which is one of your bonuses, and set the goal, “I am aligned and anchored in Source and Soul Truth. I trust and back this truth.” That is so powerful.
Another wonderful healing is to use the Source Healing and Resolution Module, which is another Module in your bonuses, and target the traumas of, “Outer authority has more authority over my life than my inner authority.” Clear that out and you’re going to come home to the truth.
Those two shifts, and you might tweak the words till they really hit a powerful inner spark for you (you’ll know what’s right for you) will be monumental for you. They are absolutely life-changing. Half an hour each on those could change your life beyond description.
Fears Of Speaking Up
Now let’s have a look at the fears of speaking up. Trusting untrustworthy people also stems from not speaking up, not questioning, not asserting your truth, and not placing boundaries on your values. And we talked about that just now, but let’s have a look at why we do this. It’s because of the fears of CRAP. The acronym CRAP that if I speak up, I’m going to be criticized, rejected, abandoned, or punished.
Now these are young underdeveloped wounds from our childhood where if we tried to speak up or have a voice or assert ourselves, we risked the fears of CRAP. Also, please know this is a human fracture in the human psyche.
It’s a shocking fear of persecution that if you try to put forward your opinion, your truth or your rights, that horrible things could happen to you. For a lot of people, it’s like a white-hot fear. It used to be like that for me. If I tried to speak up about what my truth was or what was right for me, I would have this white fuzz and I couldn’t even think straight. It’s like I’d numb out and blank out. It’s because of those terrors.
This is why, for a lot of us who’ve been narcissistically abused, when you feel unsure and that inner trigger about something or someone that’s not trustworthy, you may not risk asking questions or commanding verification by saying, “Prove it to me, be transparent. Show me what you’re talking about. Give me the proof. Otherwise, it’s a no. No proof, no truth.”
Or maybe you can’t say no because of these terrors. You know you need to say no and you can’t because you simply don’t trust this person or what they have on offer.
Sometimes this can manifest as you just feeling rushed or you can’t be bothered, or you’re too busy. You think, “I don’t have time to look into that properly. And I don’t have time to ask questions. I don’t have…” And it’s easier just to trust.
Yet this, as we all know, can have dire destructive repercussions. That’s exactly what happened in our narcissistic relationships. We felt it was funky. We felt it wasn’t right and for whatever reason, we just said yes, we went along. We threw good energy after bad and we just kept doing it.
So therefore, as a Thriver, it means waking up from the trance, knowing our safety and our wellbeing as adults is our job – it’s nobody else’s. We have to be a parent to ourselves who can look after ourselves. We have to show up and back ourselves.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to heal the reasons why you can’t take a stand for yourself, why you can’t question, why you can’t state your truth and walk it regardless of how somebody else reacts.
Now, I want you to know that we’ve been so terrified of being CRAPed on – criticized, rejected, abandoned, or punished – for showing up for ourselves. But when you become a Thriver and you lose those fears, you know how brilliant and beautiful it is if you state your values and your truth, and somebody does criticize, reject, abandon or punish you, they just showed themselves.
You got your answer. They expose that they are not your truth and not your reality. And you can say, “Okay. That’s your opinion. I see you. I hear you. No, thank you. That’s it.”
So powerful healings to get to this level for you NARPers, is the Goal Setting that you can set as, “I listen to my intuition, question, speak up and say no, if required, without fear, regardless of what others do with that.” Feel the power of that.
Another goal set that you can do is, “As I align with my Soul and Source Truth, Source has my back always in all ways, no matter what others do.” It’s so true. Anchor into that and see how much more empowered you get.
Misplaced Compassion, Guilt And Obligation
So what’s another reason we keep trusting untrustworthy people? It can be misplaced compassion, guilt, and obligation. Maybe you keep forgiving unforgivable behaviour because you feel sorry for that person, or you may feel it’s your duty to help them even at your own self-sacrifice. So most definitely, if this is a child in your life, I understand. It’s not like you can just divorce your child.
But there are ways you can work with NARP and even proxy healings to be able to get wonderful, powerful resolutions around that stuff. If that’s you, I can’t recommend NARP enough and being in the NARP forum, reach out to learn about proxy healings, because it could change your life and your relationship with your child beyond description.
Now, if it’s not your child and you’ve had this happen to you where you keep forgiving unforgivable behaviour, you know somebody’s words are empty. It doesn’t matter. Don’t listen to what people say. Observe what people do. Their actions are everything. It’s really important to get very clear – somebody’s character is based on their actions, not their words.
Now I know that you can feel like it’s your responsibility and you’d feel too much guilt if you didn’t. But what we do is when we’re taking responsibility for people who won’t take responsibility, we’re actually enabling them to stay stuck in their sickness of not taking responsibility and drowning with them at the same time. So, it’s not actually loving or helpful to anybody. You’re not helping them.
I remember once, Neale Donald Walsch in one of his books wrote these words, and I’ll never forget them because this was me. This is what I used to do. As a co-dependent enabler, I did it all the time and this helped snap me out of it. His words were, “To allow an abuser to continue abuse is an act of abuse against the abuser.” Now that was like a bucket of cold water in my face, because you’re not helping people by allowing them to keep abusing you. You’re actually giving them permission to keep being like that.
Of course, you may feel so dependent. This is another slant to this stuff. You may feel so dependent on somebody who is continually abusing you because you are abused, you’re broken down, you feel helpless and hopeless.
It’s really scary when somebody is hurting you so much and you keep going back to them, even though they might even be apologizing for it, but you just keep going back and back and trying to fix it and maybe trying to change yourself and believing you’re the problem. Again, NARP will help you unravel that and get your Soul, your sanity, and your Life Force back.
In Conclusion
I hope that this has helped. I’m going to put a link up for NARP with this video. If you really know that the codependency stuff and the boundary work is really where you’ve been failing or… I don’t even want to say failing … where you’ve been struggling, where you’ve been battling it and you’ve had a lot of fears and traumas around that stuff, maybe check out the Empowered Self Course. There’s two specific Modules and deep Quanta Freedom Healings to reverse and free you from codependency.
There are also three very specific comprehensive Modules (writing and journaling) sorting out boundaries, really organizing that and the Quanta Freedom Healing is to back it up to get you to become a boundary beast. Which we all need to be in the most beautiful way after being narcissistically abused. There’s a lot of stuff that we have to reverse so that we can be safe and secure and expand out into life without fear and pain. We have that recovery work to do.
So, I hope that this has made sense to you. I’m really looking forward to your comments and your questions about this on the blog.
Dear Melanie!
Once again thank you so very much for another one of your amazing and wonderful heartfelt lessons that, as I receive this gift, enmeshed with hope and love from you, for all of us, I am so grateful… ❤️🦋❤️
Sadly, being used and abused by a narcissist has been a good part, the story of my life! I’ve been taken advantage of in business situations over and over and helped others out in the way that my empathetic part of me thought I should and I ended up getting burned so many times….
I had no idea that these people were narcissists and knew, that in me, they found an easy MARK! Several times these “deals” that I was making failed because these narcissistic types refused to honor their part of the bargain and nearly created complete financial ruin… I kept doing it and I never seemed to learn…. now that I am in financial ruin and dealing with my ex narcissist who has confiscated all of the marital earnings that I am supposed to be entitled to I’m beginning to see the light. These people took advantage of me and they are horrible people for doing so! (I may have said this before but I don’t remember, Melanie. I was sexually abused by sexual predators who I now know were ugly narcissists) I trusted people!
I trusted them to be fair and honest and I trusted my wife to be fair and honest but they both screwed me over! My wife cheated and ran off! The others cheated and ran off!
I know that you always tell us there’s a lesson and everything that we experience on this earth and if I’ve learned anything from this it’s to use my “Spidey senses” when I am negotiating or navigating life with these humans on this earth!
I don’t feel too bad about having gotten screwed over by all these different people including my wife because probably I needed to learn to protect myself and to not give away my goodness and kindness and generosity to people who do not deserve it!
As you said above, Melanie, a lot of this was misplaced compassion, guilt and obligation…. honestly, looking back, if I didn’t do what seemed at the time to be the RIGHT thing to do, that really wasn’t the BEST OR RIGHT thing to do, I would be maybe ostracized or dismissed! Which, ultimately happened anyway with all of them….I was discarded by ALL OF THEM….
There still seems to be so much to learn and I think that what you so kindly gave to us today is going to help! Sometimes it’s so damn hard to just look at everything objectively and to accept the truth of who I am and what I’ve done! 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thanks, Melanie, for NARP and thank you for all your help and the kindness that you spread around this planet earth! Much love! ❤️🦋❤️
People can do whatever they like regarding Instagram and your new access there. People already know it’s part of Facebook (now “Meta” as the umbrella organization). SOME people already know that social media networks are hotbeds of abuse, encouraging and amplifying narcissistic behavior, they are custom-made to be perfect tools for narcissists. For that reason, I have nothing to do with them.
It seems important to Melanie that she “re-build her 100,000 reputation” on Instagram. I cast a very wary eye towards this. It is a fact that you cannot trust anybody you don’t know on any social media platform. That’s the seduction: that you can be lured into “being social” with unknown persons on a platform whose sole purpose is to profit off of you exposing yourself. On social media, you think you are getting something for free (what is that, a misplaced sense of connectedness?), when in fact, YOU are the product. Your eyeballs, your precious mind-share, THAT is what is being offered up to advertisers of social media when you are active on them.
If you have suffered narcissistic abuse, you don’t belong on social media. Unfriend, cancel, put the entire experience in your rear view mirror and be free of this poison. Millions have, billions will and the world will be a better place for it.
But if you can’t, I’d honestly ask yourself if you are addicted to social media, or whether you can have meaningful social relationships with people in the real world. (Hint: you can. We always have). People are far away? Use the telephone. Use email. Don’t use social media.
I agree we shouldn’t trust untrustworthy narcissists. You’ll go a long, long, LONG way towards that by eschewing social media (COMPLETELY) and seeing it for the nastiness that it is.
Important…Thank you for writing this. I don’t know so many links and details but have strong feeling that’s exactly how is it. I would add television to that. Or some popular channels and program even like The game of the thrones etc couldn’t believe how much is violance normalised on TV as normal part of culture. I don’t use these words often but it’s evil creations. Or some widely popular and accepted kids pc games…fighting or fighting or irony sarcasm. How can we spread more love and joy??? I also think now, after reading your post and thinking about all, like you by going back to REAL connections in real word. On hiking trip or local kids football match or tea with friends people just think and talk naturally so much better nicer real things.
And sure Melanie wants go to Instagram to spread her beautiful often almost life saving message it’s a good thing x just thinking in general. We need to distinguish on what we read watch hear?
Hi MAN FROM CALIFORNIA,
I’m glad to know there are more people like me who will not do ‘social’ media. It really is the epitome of ANTI-social connection. “Friends” , “follow” and so many terms are re-defined in the most shallow possible way and not to the betterment of relationships.
I too am “social’ media wary… never had it. Never will. I think it’s a huge trap and can not imagine life on any public platform like that that is exploitative of our information. I saw the danger decades ago when I saw Zuckerberg’s picture on Time Magazine when he started Facebook. He looked evil then. He’s proven evil now. My life is not for sale. (I also have not had a TV ever in my adult life . TV is distracting too, but doesn’t mine our personal lives as much.)
That said, Melanie and others who provide important services to their communities are able to reach more people by advertising on Facebook, Instagram, etc . From there, the public can come to the more private forums and meetings and find a safe space to be healed.
I admire Melanie’s ability to be true to her mission while availing herself of the tools that can help her reach as many people as possible. Her hope is to reach as many people as possible – not to get ‘likes’. Using the media for advertising, information, and invitations to healing modalities is making really good use of the existing situation. Kind of like going fishing where the fish are. 🙂 I found her on YouTube and am very grateful she was there.
I’m glad we have found our way to Melanie’s writings here. Here is where the real connections happen.
I do agree, as I tried a dating website for the first time, where you are invited to “hot your favourites” .. I didn’t want a meat market, but focused on a man who looked and sounded respectful and genuine … we swapped numbers, and I came off the website. He took my address, but would not give me his … first red flag! … he wanted us to meet up,then did not turn up, I was stone walled, despite trying to be understanding, and, like a fool, asking him to stay at my house … I finally said that I found his behaviour Manipulative, and could no longer sustain a relationship, or friendship like this, or the hot and cold behaviour. He promptly sent me a nasty, abusive WhatsApp message, and blocked me everywhere, and is now back on the dating website.This went on for a year, and I still feel deeply hurt and traumatised by this man, who I believed to be genuine. It is fortunate that he did not come to stay, as he obviously had an agenda, and I found the whole thing very painful and confusing … not angry, or vengeful, just very sad, and confused that he should want to treat me this way. I am not on Social Media, and will avoid dating websites in the future, as they are definitely an excuse for some untrustworthy people to pick and choose others for their nasty games and behaviour..
I’ve been doing a really good job the last couple years and now my ex-husband To be has somehow gotten into my skin And has apologizing for what he did but does not admit to how disgusting he was. He sent me a Valentines gift and my daughter thinks he’s changed and he’s being so so nice. I have fallen backwards I have to get back on a path again. I seem to be falling back into my old self. I’m thinking maybe I made a mistake of going through a divorce. But I know I know I’m right. any suggestions To help me deal with my daughter and my ex-husband to be.??Thank you Rebecca
Feeling in turmoil and not knowing what the financial outcome will be with this divorce. And if I can do it on my own. Thank you once again for all you do for people.
Hi Rebecca! I went through a similar thing last month with my soon to be ex where he was being nice and I felt like I wanted to get back together. When I tried, I got completely rejected, blamed, accused, and burdened with his responsibilities that were not mine to bear. Try targeting the trauma in your body that’s making you want to get back together with him. For me it was a whole heap of unresolved emotional abandonment trauma that I’m still working on. Also prayer is super helpful. Ask God to break the connection between you and your ex and to help you have zero attraction to him anymore. I hope this helps!
Very valuable episode. My former “best friend” just burned me last month. He did it once before a year ago and after not hearing from him for six months he shows up apologizing, asking for forgiveness and promising he’d never do it again. Six months later he does it again and this time it cost me a lot of money and trouble. Should have learned the first time and told him thanks for the apology, but I don’t want to be friends anymore. I always try to think better of people and I usually will give someone the benefit of the doubt if they seem sincere. He was an expert with sincerity, assurances and promises. Broke every one. After doing a bit of research I think he’s borderline personality on top of being a narcissist. I need to make sure I never get sucked into his mess again.
Rebecca, please find within yourself that you have the courage to follow-through. Once a narc, always a narc. They don’t really heal, they don’t change, they don’t improve, because according to them, there is nothing wrong with them, so how can they get better?
But you know better. You got the ball rolling by starting the divorce (that’s right). So like a snowball going downhill, you gather speed, mass, momentum and STRENGTH. You are your daughter’s mother; you are an adult and she is not (yet). You can tell her, with love, that both of you can see through daddy’s lies and attempts (that’s all they are) to “win you (both) back.” Rebecca, I don’t know you, but I’m certain you are not a prize to win (neither is your daughter), you are real people, with real feelings and real boundaries that must be respected. Respect yourself, continue to earn your daughter’s respect with your strength and be amazed at what can follow!
Flowers and chocolate are no fair trade for a future of abuse (and that is what it will be, you know this already). It may seem like short-term loss and goodness knows (I do) how hard it is to even imagine a life without a (narcissistic) partner. But, look: “narcissist” (in this case). I think you know better. I think you love yourself and your daughter too much to go back to that. I think you already know you can be better in a future with you and your daughter without him. I guarantee you it will be difficult, but that doesn’t last forever, because it gets easier as you realize you are free.
I don’t want to say “finances will take care of themselves,” because you will need to watch them like a hawk, you will. But you can. You already know you can. You are imagining it will be hard, and it likely will, but only for a while, because when you are free (of him), you are free to thrive.
I hope that helps. Many, many people have experienced this path, keeping the narcs at bay after this. It’s your time to learn this lesson, and get on with the rest of your life shining! Best to you and your daughter. As for “him,” well, let karma unfold. No need for revenge, simply leave him behind.
Thank you! Empowering!
Oh Boy!
What a wake-up call! This is so much deeper than I thought and realized. I am currently in therapy and have been for some time as I have had a lot of childhood abuse that has been relentless later in life experiencing narc abuse as a result and yes I have connected all the dots as EMDR is my therapist’s tool. I found you through a recent summit for childhood trauma and wanted to ask you (am sure others have in the past) does EFT and tapping work this same as your NARP as I am trying to get some help with all of these flashbacks and anguish that are surfacing. Does NARP work like EMDR as I have been doing this now for about 1 year and 4 months? Yes therapy works and boy did I need it as my life has been a train smash but I am open to other modalities.
Hi to Waking Up,
I don’t know how the NARP EFT goes but as a tool to work through issues EFT has effective results though varied responses arise.
For me as I am quite traumatised simply by being alive & having to cope with even simple tasks (an enjoyable cup of coffee), I feel more pressure taking on the EFT on my own yet it sooo beneficial when I have. I recommend it to anyone to try – there are some simple sets available via Nick Ortner & family Tapping app.
EMDR didn’t work for me at all.
Hi WakinUp,
Before Melanie got into this programme I found EFT/Tapping and it really helped… well or about the first 6 months or so.
It took away a lot of the “Fright and Flight” and helped me go to family situations where the Narc Cockroach and his Missus would be, my kids never abandoned me so I wasn’t going to do it to them but I needed to be able to pretend I was half intelligent and carefree and it helped with that.
Even though I pursued it over 5-6 years I never got the same depth of healing after that first 6 months and once I discovered Melanie I realised why that happened.
It doesn’t go to the seat of the matter, because often I would pull the curtain down when I was trying to go into those horrific area we deal with in Narc relationships. I couldn’t face the real truth as it was so painful and EFT doesn’t tend to go softly so I would back off. I didn’t need to re-traumatise myself over and over and not feel I was winning something.
I had actually given up EFT for about 5 years when Melanie came into my life and as soon as I saw her Free things and started using them I was in awe of what I had I could dislodge and move right along… but more than that I felt sooo good within myself.
Slowly but surely family gatherings have become less panic stations as I learn to not notice that pair, and best of all just 2 weeks ago I managed to simply say “Hello and Goodbye” to both of them without any panic/anxiety and feel so good… I had conquered them totally and they were not happy, he’s Ultruistic and she’s Covert, they got what they deserved… each other.
So you may get some help with EFT/Tapping, I wouldn’t discard it if it helps, but in my case and Melanie’s as well I believe, we both found it a little lacking for our special needs.
Good luck in your search for your best method of help mine is definitely NARP.
Hi WakinUP,
its a great question – and I can really only answer from my perspective and that of others …
I found that EMDR and tapping (as well as many other body / subconscious modalities) helped. Yet, it wasn’t until Quanta Freedom Healing that I was able to fully release and reprogram deep impacted traumas, which before I was only “managing”.
The reason being – I feel – is because QFH reaches multidimensional layers of the subconscious, creates numerous integrations back to “The Light” as well as replaces trauma with True Source – the Higher Power that can heal what we can’t. Other healing modalities may not work at those levels (and others).
NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp brings all of this deep healing power together.
I am a QFH purist – I personally haven’t found anything that worked as effectively. Many have reported the same – regardless of what they previously tried.
I love that QFH can be used in conjunction with any other tool that people love supplementing healing with – such as yoga, tapping, EMDR or anything else!
I hope this explains
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I hope that this answers your question.
I once asked about healing by proxy on the forum and I was told that we can’t do that but you speak of it here in this video. Can you elaborate on how we can help our children through healing by proxy?Thank you for all you do 🙏
Hi Mjo,
if you reach out to [email protected] then one of my lovely team will help you with that.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Mirka, I don’t consider Melanie’s messages to be “almost life saving.” I consider them to be “absolutely life saving.”
Hi to all above – man fromCalifornia, Mirka, Rebecca… I agree with the insidious nature & liberties flaunted on social media platforms but I believe there are some ‘safe closed groups’ people can connect with.
I’m not on any site as such, I get info & guidance through emails, I’m very isolated not only due to location but simply being me, reading your articles & replies I realise how sensitive, empathic & vulnerable we are in a good way (spreading / sharing) whilst also exposed to more wrongs. That’s why it is good to have a place for a network/ community that Melanie hopes to rebuild, we can also be there for each other with insights, growth & support.
From P/K Oz
Hi Melanie,
What a wonderful article. Thank you so much. It seems we are always thinking along the same lines.
This week, I was thinking that if we see an evil being committed and we do nothing, we are essentially condoning, promoting, and supporting the evil. To turn away from evil and not condemn it is in itself a sin. We HAVE to judge righteously to act righteously.
The line between trespassing and honoring our BEing has to be clear , first to us, then to others.
The call is for us to BE ourselves unwaveringly. There is no time or situation where it is ok to compromise the Soul and allow sin and abuse against us to prosper. Either we matter or we don’t. IF we are so considerate of another it is probably because we think kindness and compassion are important values. Well, we should apply them to ourselves first, if they are true values.
Why should we try to fly with broken wings? Let us have mercy on ourselves and turn with love to our own wounded beings and just say ‘no more’ to people who repeatedly callously and impenitently hurt us no matter who they are. To not do so is to join in a sin against our own being.
We are not allowed to hurt ourselves. Life does not belong to us. We did not create ourselves. LIFE belongs to God and we have no right to allow any human being to be hurt, including ourselves. We either value kindness or we don’t.
When we have patiently spoken up, tolerated, given grace, forgiven someone, and there is no evidence of change, we have to return our focus to the bigger picture and ask ‘what is the value system being empowered?” . What is that bigger paradigm that we’re accepting as reality? Are we in violation of our own value system by allowing this abuse?
If the bigger picture that we desire is a world where hurting and abusing is not tolerated then let’s have it now. We must love that ideal for all (including ourselves) and BE come not ‘hurt’able, for God’s sake.
By eliminating both the victim and the villain from our part of the human story that we are given to fulfill, we have honored that world where abuse and pain have no part. The healing of the world happens with us and through our individual stories. We HAVE to be whole – for everybody’s sake.
It is a big change of understanding when we realize that enabling sin is not fruitful. Enabling sin or evil will never yield love. We have been planting abuse and cultivating abuse by ‘giving it more time’ . The crop will not ever be love. The way to stop being abused is to realize this deception and immediately cease to be part of the cycle. Sin has to be uncovered, not denied.
We will never reap love and consideration until we plant love and consideration.
Never again. Not one more crop of allowing abuse. It is against our values to do so.
We repent. (Pick ourselves up by the roots and re-plant our hearts in self-kindness, self-mercy, self-compassion, self-consideration, self-forgiveness.)
We make restitution. (Remember our true aspirations and return to paying attention to our real longings and cultivating our gifts.)
We reap a better harvest , one that is aligned with our values. of ‘do no harm’ .
As always Iris,
I adore the sharing of your wisdom here. All who read it are enriched if their hearts are open to hear.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Boy, this would have been great info to have twenty years ago! Still, better late than never. And who knows if twenty years ago it would have resonated with me the way it does now. The hook for me (and most of us, I imagine) is trying to change the past; trying to somehow get the narcissist to acknowledge and apologise for their behaviour. Yeah, good luck with that!
Anyway, mostly I just want to say that I don’t know where I would be if not for Melanie and her extraordinary generosity. She could have just presented the course I took and then said farewell, but there is a continuing support and inflow of information that keeps the healing alive; and it is quite miraculous that what Mel publishes at any given time is exactly what I need to hear in order to move forward.
With love and enduring gratitude,
Janos
Hi Janos,
I’m thrilled you feel supported.
Whether or not you take any of my courses that is my greatest intention for you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I wanted to respond to what Iris said, which i found very moving and resonant. It reminded me of Karpman’s ‘Drama Triangle’, where the people caught up in it are, at any one time, either in the role of The Rescuer, The Perpetrator or The Victim. Think about that. Apply the model to any current (or past) drama you’ve ever experienced. Where were you in the Triangle? Where do you habitually go? Where is the Narcissist in it? And how do/did you switch from one role to another?
And…most importantly, how can you step out of/away from the Triangle and not participate in it any more? I think a lot of Mel’s work signposts how we can take up our adult role, taking responsibility for our own feelings and our actions which follow them, honouring our value systems and stepping away from those who dont honour the same values as us. It seems to me her article was all about how we can choose a different path. And Iris’ comments, particularly that we cannot harvest love from giving our time to planting and cultivating abuse, strikingly resonated with me about this too. Thank you Iris, thank you Mel, and thank you to all above who have commented on this article today.
Jo 🙂
PS I dont participate in Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp etc etc etc either. Nice to hear from other people who prefer to connect directly with other humans in real life too – its our one, precious, life, best not to squander it in virtual reality 🙂
Hm, maybe “anti-social media” is the proper categorization for all that “meta-stuff.” I like that. Kind of has a ring to it. Thank you, Iris. That might make its way into some more conversations.
It really deserves little more than an about face and my-back-is-to-you. There are plenty of us and we are growing.
Sometimes if I must to talk to a narcissist (like a sibling) I might say “whatever.” That annoys narcs. Anti-social media is like a sinkhole of “whatever.” And then it goes “click” (in a lot of people’s minds).
It is bold of us to talk like this. I’m glad we do.
Hi, Melanie. I love you, I think it’s possible you saved my life, though we’ve never met. I ask you to consider Insta-importance. It is completely up to you, of course. Hundreds of thousands is a big ship to be driving. Well, measured in that particular currency.
Hi Man from California,
its merely a way for us to reach and help people.
Social Media as an information exchange can be used for good or bad.
Like any energy exchange, including spirituality, sex and money!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Very interesting ,many different comments!
Melanie, having these emails from you on a regular basis is so inspiring .
I look forward to them. Yes you have been hugely instrumental in changing my life and continue to do so. Tis very enriching with various thrivers leaving their comments .
This feels safe,secure. This is what we are ALL about safety and Growth….We are advocating .” SAFETY AND GROWTH ” ” ….are we not??……..?The totally opposite to NARCISSISM !
So lets keep it that way…. And keep THRIVING LOL
AMEN AND AMEN ,!!!
What a fun family here!
I LOVE us. 🙂
Same Iris!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Man from California….your comments and “Iris” …are very commendable !
in my opinion,I hear Wisdom, caution of social media,and not wishing to DABBLE with ” Evil”,thus your voice is coming across with earnestness of heart..
If “EVIL” gets a stronghold ,we loose our power….God is good,,He is not for evil
If we understand God is Good ,and ALL powerful,that he created us in his imagage ,we CERTAINLY do wish to flee from any Evil. 🙏
Narcarism thrives on Evil! ..the very thing we are advocating ” against ”
So let wisdom be our understanding ” Our God( Source) given strength so we are able to guarde against the ” sublety” of narissism,
To be aware of the wolves in sheeps clothing that surround us in all their guises!!
IF GOD ( source) iS FOR US ,WHO CAN BE AGAINST US. …🌹🌹🌹🌹
p.s written with Love and understanding 🙏
Wow. You explain things so differently that I couldn’t help but take notice..for the last 23 years I have let my narcasist basically suck the life out of me. These last 2 years I have spent trying to understand these ties so that I can break them. I have held onto the anger and just the horrifying thoughts of instances where I have been traumatized over and over and wondered how this person could just keep on ruining peaple and suffer consequences. Now I must say,I understand more after reading only a few of your articles and I am not only intrigued but finally hopeful that I will leave this relationship and continue to my true self and my sanity. Thank you for your work and for helping us understand these abusive tactics.
Hi Granny of 14,
I am so pleased this is making sense.
I truly can’t recommend NARP enough http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to start getting the powerful inner shifts you need to get up and out of this.
To learn more about NARP my free webinar is very helpful! http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope this helps!
Sending you love, strength and healing.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Mel this spoke VOLUMES to me!!! Thank you so very much for all of the gritty detail!!
I was a co-dependent enabler!! FEAR of CRAP was instilled in me at a very young age.
I look forward doing the inner work in NARP!! I want that SOUL LEVEL GRADUATION!!!!
Love you to pieces!!!!
Hi Melody,
I’m thrilled that this resonated with you!
Love you to pieces too!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Once again and always, I thank the universe for giving us Melanie Tonia Evens.
The angel sent to save us from the most ryranical evil on the planet never loses her energy or spirit to help those who are facing life and death situations.
When I found the NARP program at 4AM in the morning online, depiratly searching for help………
my prayers were answered.
Years later…having been pulled out of a path to destruction……….
I still come back for help and guidance though these iconic videos