Narcissists like the limelight. Many work their way up the rungs into positions of authority.
Some of you have asked about spiritual narcissists and narcissists in the workplace. Today’s article, “Beware of narcissists in positions of authority” covers these two types, as well as other narcissists who fit into this category.
The classic narcissist is an overt personality type, meaning they appear to be confident and powerful. They may be ambitious and very focused to reach a position whereby they have power, dominion, and control over others.
This is the stuff of potent narcissistic supply – influence, acclaim, adoration and notoriety. It grants access to money, power, prestige, the calling on favours and privileges, as well as the pastimes and indulgences that narcissists like to immerse themselves in.
Narcissistic types are rewarded in society. They stand out. They are often preferred and chosen. In a more nefarious sense they can be “used” by others to accelerate their own power and success.
Being as amoral as narcissists are and living by the premise that, “the end justify the means” they can also, at high levels, be bribed and paid off, accelerating their own and other people’s success.
Let’s be very clear, at an everyday level, an authoritarian narcissist could be anyone in your life who you believe has more knowledge, power, influence or information than you do. This could literally be anyone you are dealing with – such as a parent, teacher, priest, doctor, therapist, lawyer or government official.
Maybe this is also your spouse, lover, family member or friend who you believe is more intellectual, studied, smarter or confident than you are.
Ideally, this person is supportive and a mentor, lover, protector or healer of you, because they have your best interests at heart and possess a solid, honest character.
But what if they don’t and aren’t?
Let’s go deeper into this …
Our Programming To Trust Authorities
Human programming has been about trusting people in authority. We may believe that those with letters and titles after their name, or who are awarded positions, or even wear expensive suits have more authority than others.
We are told that certain systems and structures are credible, reliable and honest. You are told not to distrust them. You may be shamed for stepping out of the status quo.
As children questioning our parents, we were told we didn’t know better and had to accept their authority even if, on the inside, we knew something didn’t add up. This could have been as simple as telling us there was nothing going on. Yet, we heard the fight and we knew something was off.
We discovered this extremely painfully with narcissists. We questioned the narcissist. He or she told us that we had it wrong, that they weren’t doing what we felt in our gut, that we were imagining things.
Because you were programmed to believe that when people are looking you in the eye they are telling you the truth, you believed their words. You knew the real actions and irregularities were questionable, yet you defaulted back to your programming of, “believing what other people say to you.”
Let’s look at why we did this …
Why Are We Not Our Own Authority?
After experiencing narcissistic abuse in my life, I realised that NOT being my own authority, and blindly believing in the goodwill of people, nearly cost me my life.
Once upon a time, I could not comprehend that evil exists, that there are people who are out for themselves at other people’s expense, and there are victims to these people every single day.
Now, as a result of being previously smashed by unscrupulous people, I have changed. It doesn’t mean I am paranoid, fearful or a conspiracy theorist.
Instead, it means I am a realist, who rather than handing my power blindly away to others and allowing them have authority over my life, I make it a mission to have my own.
This personal turnaround started with two simple shifts in perception …
- Diligently noting the real-life evidence of events and actions as they unfold (NOT what is being said) … and
- Noticing how it FEELS inside of me.
In the past I never put nearly enough focus of these things. Now I do, and have for some years.
However, two years ago, I had a slip up again. I needed construction work done on one of my properties. I was busy and had a lot on my plate. Upon meeting a contractor and hearing what I wanted to, I hired him.
Here is the thing … 1) I didn’t do my due diligence. I did NOT investigate the real-life performance of this person, and 2) My gut (despite his “incredible” words of “knowledge” and “diligence”) didn’t feel right, and I ignored this.
I paid the price. He was a narcissist. He was manipulative and his work was terrible.
It was a fight to get the work done, and get out of the project intact. It cost me substantial money, time and angst.
This is what I know now with all of my Being, as a result of my own life, this incredible community and observing humankind with fascination – we are distracted. We are too busy. We are emotionally and practically lazy. We are not in touch with ourselves. We let so many things outside of ourselves define us. We let other people take charge of our lives – on micro (personal) and macro (public) levels.
By not taking control and responsibility for our lives, we lose our own authority over them on multiple levels.
We have chosen to believe the lover who says, “I love you like no other” whilst their actions feel like emotional assaults and not love at all.
We trusted the doctor saying, “you need this” rather than turning inwards to trust and connect with ourselves and seek other answers, and …
We handed over our decision-making power and rights to larger authorities rather than being observant to see if their intentions bear any resemblance to our own.
We are programmed to trust, accept and believe others – even when what is happening feels incredibly WRONG inside of us. And even when the outer evidence SCREAMS how wrong it is.
Now here is the kicker question, which I had to get really honest about with myself. I hope it can be helpful for you too …
“Why are we continually believing certain outer authorities when things are GETTING WORSE?”
Such as …
When the information keeps changing?
When the promises don’t hold up?
When the goalposts keep moving?
When we are kept chasing our tail with no relief?
Isn’t it time to course correct if the abuse from the lover is getting worse, the illness more severe, the public information even more painful and catastrophic?
How do we stop going along and course correct?
By ceasing assigning other people as our authority of love, health, freedom, decisions, directions, and Life Force and become that for ourselves.
The Cognitive Dissonance When Handing Our Power Away
It’s not hard to be misled when we are busy, distracted and not looking at the real-life evidence or trusting our gut and following up on it.
The truth is this – it’s much harder to admit that you have been deceived than to actually be deceived.
When the writing was on the wall that the man I married was a pathological liar, a criminal, cruelly abusive and absolutely didn’t love me or care for me, I didn’t want to believe it.
I looked the other way. I told myself stories. I discredited people who came forward with evidence and even vehemently opposed them.
Why did I do this, rather than face the truth?
Because the truth was too shocking initially for me to accept.
It meant the life I wanted was a lie. It meant rather than moving forward into happiness, safety, truth, love and care (all the things I dearly wanted) I was headed instead into trauma, danger, loss and personal destruction.
It meant my WORST possible fears were REAL.
I see the same with so many other people who are being psychopathically abused.
And, like my previous self, I see how we can wrap our identity around other people and their authority. We want to believe their lies. We want them to take care of us and protect us. It makes us feel more secure and safer than if they don’t.
Yet, we aren’t safe unless we fully face the truth and take responsibility for ourselves. We have to take control of the information, decisions and directions for our own life.
This is scary. It can be terrifying. It means that we can’t be the “inner child” hoping an “outer adult” is looking after us. It means we can’t just be distracted, busy, disinterested, uninformed and not participating in the vital aspects of our life anymore.
It means we have to grow up. FAST.
It also means we must be humble. Admit we were wrong. Eat humble pie. Let other people judge us. Be vulnerable. Even say to other people, “You tried to warn me and I didn’t listen. I’m sorry, you were right.”
It’s huge … massive for us.
Being Teachable, Open And Flexible
Having an open mind is as life-saving as is having an open parachute – it stops you from hurtling towards your own demise.
With one of the narcissists in my life, I initially believed he was the faithful type and monogamous. Then his ex-girlfriend contacted me, telling me that he was still having sex with her and that she had the conversational proof on her phone.
I’d just met him. I was in the loved-up glow of the honeymoon period. I dismissed her. I decided she was lying. I refused to meet her and chose to accept his version of her being a lunatic, because I didn’t want to smash my illusion of truth.
Where I went wrong was obvious – I refused to open my mind and consider investigating new emerging information that was contrary to the information that I had originally parked as my reality.
Having a stubborn and closed mind cost me dearly. I continued with the relationship. I enmeshed my resources. I went through terrible trauma and lost out on multiple levels. Sure enough, in the end, I had no choice other than to accept the hard truth of his continued lies and adulterous behaviour. I could have avoided great pain, lost time and destruction had I accepted this at the first instance.
I’ve learned. I’ve changed. Now I know I would much rather suffer the shock of the truth than the real-life effects of not being open to receiving it.
Narcissists prey on our stubborn clinging to “the version we want”. It makes it easy for them to lie to us, make false promises, tell us what we want to hear, keep abusing us and effectively smear other people who try to warn us against them.
They use our own human nature against us as one of their most powerful weapons.
Actions To Become Your Own Authority
How can you also grow beyond being “had”, “taken in”, and “betrayed” by people who we are told to believe are an authority for any aspect of our life – such as love, health, freedom, finances and our personal choices?
My greatest suggestion is to not blindly trust what you are told.
Stop … doing … that.
Instead, look at real life actions and events. If things feel “off” they often are. If new information comes your way be OPEN to it. Investigate it. Check credentials, histories and second opinions.
You don’t know everything. None of us do.
If things don’t add up (despite words you are told) then you need to pay attention. Stop passing things off with, “Oh well, what can I do?” or “Maybe I’m just imagining things” or “Why would they do something bad?” or “Surely things will be alright” and other similar passive excuses.
Ask for the truth. SEEK it. Truth is truth. It is verifiable. It has evidence, data, facts. If it’s censored, covered over, hidden, lied about – then you have your answer.
The truth sets you free, whereas ignoring possible deception could take you deeply into the pits of hell.
Seeking truth needs to be important to us after suffering narcissistic abuse. It is as vital as seeking peace, healing and wholeness.
Does what is taking place feel right to you? Are you experiencing real results? Are you moving further forward into empowerment, solidness, comfort and feeling more resolved, whole and at peace?
If you continue to break down then this version of things is NOT the truth for you.
Most of all, claim YOUR truth as your authority. If you just go along and agree because you are told you should, it’s the popular belief, you are causing trouble or to avoid ridicule, censoring or being a target, you are in Wrong Town.
No one knows the truth for you. Your Soul does. Source does.
YOU do.
I hope that this has been an enlightening article for you and that it will help you beware of narcissists in positions of authority.
Can you relate to what I have written? Do you know you need to be more open, self-trusting, pro-active and diligent to find the truth? Do you struggle to do this? Is this something you have become much better at?
As always, I look forward to your comments and questions below.
Yes.
Yes! This makes so much sense and aligns fully with my healing process!!
Hi Melanie!
It was very confusing living with a dominant, authoritative, pushy control freak….I experienced many of the things that you described in this transcription! And I ended up with complex PTSD and living in what felt like daily hell on earth!
This was an objective truth! I was living in agony…. I gave my power away! I relinquished “me to her”….
I am thankful for the advice that you gave to us today!
I certainly don’t want to become authoritative in the way that she was! If I understand what you are saying I need to become my own authority for my own growth and my own well-being and my own spiritual or divine purpose on this earth, not someone else’s!
Thanks Melanie! I think it’s gonna take a little while for me to decipher this whole message from you…. sending love and gratitude! ❤️🦋❤️
Melanie has a true gift. This article was really important. I fully hear you and empathize with your condition. I have CPTSD as well, month 20 of recovery. Took me over 13 months just to stabilize the most severe of symptoms as I was dangerously adrenalized after 5 major ptsd events with job loss and then discard divorce only couple weeks later right before Covid hysteria. I had no idea what was happening to my body, my mind, my heart and my soul. I was dizzy, out of balance often, and even dealt with fibromyalgia and very bad muscle pain everywhere. I could barely leave the house to visit my children I co-parent with my ex-wife. Ironically even when you take back your power, in my case anyway, you are left completely broke and your career shattered. I hope you are out of the worst symptoms stage, Peter? Best and much healing to you. We are enough. Always. Read Pete Walker’s signature CPTSD book fast if you haven’t already. Life saving book!
You are so welcome Peter,
Absolutely this is all about healthy “Inner Authority”
Many blessings
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Another powerful “truth missile” launched by Melanie!
So often, even after my discard, the OTHER narcs in my life (you can find them, they are there) who ALSO exhibit these Cluster B behavioral traits would “be up to their old tricks” of trying to gaslight me, tell me things which I know are not true (but are oh-so-convenient to be true in their twisted world) and — maddeningly at first — simply refuse to defend against these lies.
No more! Calling them a liar (or saying “That is slander!”) when they lie and demanding they offer irrefutable evidence for their lies will certainly at least get their attention and may even cause them to back off. It won’t stop them from lying but it will let them know you mean business: you have the dignity and self-respect to refuse bullshit. And for someone who does a great deal of peddling bullshit they will find their currency devalued in your marketplace.
You don’t need to be a skilled attorney/solicitor cross-examining a hostile witness. You don’t need to be an eloquent debater in a college elocution class. You don’t need to be any more sophisticated than a seven-year-old who knows the difference between what is true and what is not true. Try saying “Prove that to me like I’m seven years old” the next time somebody tries to gaslight you. Guess what? They can’t! You shouldn’t have to go any further than that and you might even walk away, even from them in your life entirely. Be careful, though: if this person can continue to harm you (whether with lies, theft, cheating, physical violence, emotional/psychological manipulation, slander, fraud, character assassination…their quiver is FULL of nasty arrows!), be aware that “calling them out” by demanding they “support their specious allegations with facts, truth and real evidence” will put them on notice that you are onto them. So, doing this can be dangerous for you, doing this can be powerful for you. You don’t need to go “full assault,” either, you might simply ask a question that a skilled police detective might ask (when somebody could be lying) which is “Why would you say something like that?” The answer can be quite revealing.
When this nasty person is in a position of authority, now you are “questioning authority.” That really can challenge some people, and even people around who see you doing this might think of you as a trouble-maker. So, again, be careful. Like Mel says, be aware, be careful, too: these are dangerous people.
Let the narcissist hang him- or herself. They pay out enough rope in lies to eventually be caught, though, they live their life (live their lies?!) thinking they’ll NEVER get caught. One of the most powerful things you can do to the “allegedly” powerful (who largely craft their power with lies and deceit) is to have absolutely nothing to do with them. I know, this is easier said than done, and please, do your best to avoid harm in every way possible.
I don’t know if we are allowed to post links here, but try https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaysTVcounI which is Henry Rollins singing “Liar.” A friend of mine who has her Ph.D. in Psychology shared it with me. Allow yourself five minutes to enjoy the truth about liars.
Most narcissists never get caught and even if they did, they have too many people to protect them plus their bosses will protect them since managers circle the wagons to protect their own kind and the higher authorities will never take action because: 1) the narcissists know where all the bodies are buried, 2) it is a blow to the ego, pride, and reputation of the higher authorities that they got conned in hiring the narcissists and don’t want to admit it, and are too cowardice to take action, 3) the narcissists are friends with the higher authorities or they (the narcissists and higher authorities) belong to the same racial, ethnic, religious, and gender group) who look out for each other.
Hi Gunther,
This is “spot on” in my experience.
In fact, bosses like you describe abound in the profession of Nursing and if it wasn’t for that group of behaviours you put together, I would still be working in some jobs I have left.
I liked the part about the higher authorities that have been gaslighted into giving these people the job and then to save face, have to be seen to sticking by their choices.
I just wish I knew this when younger and may have taken a different path, but these personalities are everywhere!
Thank you, Terri. I have some experience dealing with nurses who were bosses and/or were narcissists. You are right that these personalities are everywhere in every profession and I wish I had known about this when I was younger.
Thank you Man from California!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie,
Once again such a great and timely topic! It is so disheartening to watch people give their power away, always looking for someone/thing to make them feel better. Then turn and bully others when they encounter those that don’t agree with their views on a topic. All I can say is that Melanie, NARP, and her Thrive program has allowed me to have that clarity and inner strength to say NO when something doesn’t feel right, and the challenges that would keep occurring are finally in the past. Stand strong in your true self and know that it does create change for you and those around you in the best possible way.
I’m really glad this resonated with you Maryt.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel,
Thank you a great post. I have just bought the NARP and wanted to know what particular module would you recommend to be able to be your own source of authority? Obviously I am just a beginner and have a tonne of trauma to shift and I have like you said never been able to establish my own self of authority coming from a long history of abuse. Early days but your posts are fantastic and very helpful. I really want to be able to tell others where they stand along with what is okay for me and what isn’t. I want my ground back but need to establish it first.
Hi Tyree,
please know, the entire NARP course – as it is – is exactly that journey.
From start to finish!
I hope this helps 🙂
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I have been becoming better at not trusting those who abuse their position of power. It was amazing how I experienced so much synchronicity with your videos and blogs. There was someone who was putting me through a lot of emotional turmoil who I hadn’t recognized as narcissistic. Every observation I had about the situation would come up in your videos. After it happened 3 times in a row I clued in. It gave me so much and I really was able to help myself after that.
Hi Melanie
Wow! Thank you for that great article. You have made me aware how enlightened and “sensing dodgey behavior has become ” almost” second nature to me
But most of all…..the confidence I have now gained ,
and regained after narc abuse. Tis very refreshing and validating to know and feel that wonderful sense of personal growth is now set in concrete .
Thanks heaps Mel
Man from California – your comments are spot on and refreshing🙋
I love that you have got this far Fay!
Many continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This article is define on point Melanie. Thank you.
Thank you Karen,
please know how welcome you are.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
“Why are we continually believing certain outer authorities when things are GETTING WORSE?”
Such as …
When the information keeps changing?
When the promises don’t hold up?
When the goalposts keep moving?
When we are kept chasing our tail with no relief?
Feeling played ~ Being played
I don’t believe anymore!!!
God help us all….🙏🙏🙏
I relate to these comments wholeheartedly!
The truth shall set us free….there is a growing movement across the world that is questioning authority. Stand strong and listen to your soul.
Time will bear out the truth if enough of us question and stand our ground.
Parents and other adults would also tell you that you don’t know anything about life because you don’t have their experiences so you had to obey their orders and be accused of having no respect for authority whether you like it or no which is why narcissists get away with a lot of things in life. In addition, many narcissists would use the claims of racism and sexism against you to cover up their hideous acts against you so it is impossible to take any action against them.
Racism and sexism exist. They are class narcissist patterns where someone believes they are better due to their race or sex. So if someone is saying you are being racist or sexist check yourself first. These are narcissist traits built into our society. They may have a point.
I know that racism and sexism exist.
“So if someone is saying you are being racist or sexist check yourself first.”
If you are not a racist and/or sexist, why should you check yourself considering the fact, that many narcissists who are in oppressive groups tried to use racism and sexism in order to cover up their own racist/sexist actions against other people and to cover up their own narcissist acts?
Very true… But what if you had the bad gut feeling and proof even from the beginning but you couldn’t do anything because the narcissist had taken away all your money etc and even when I filed for divorce it has been two years already that I can’t get rid of him, because he won’t communicate with my lawyer, participate in the divorce or give me what I want! He does it in a very smart way, he simply escapes the law and I can be all the authority I want and even contract other authorities and no one can go against him! Any idea how to get out of this… if I continue this process it can take years and lots of money so he is forcing me to accept his ridiculous offer!
Lisa,
Thanks for sharing. I wanted to relate to your post. My narcissist is extremely difficult to get rid of as well. However I find that when I don’t feed them that much energy, as in I don’t react with rage etc to their antics and I don’t give them any type of adoration, I get the feeling that I bore them. Couldn’t you have money come to you in other ways that he could not control? He sounds like he is going to be immature so maybe just focusing your energy on what you can do outside his influence may help. Wish you best of luck and hopefully soon enough neither one of us will have a narcissist to speak of.
I felt I loved my narcissist with all my heart…he was a charmer..I am bereft that we are not together. He was big, made me feel safe and he told me nice things about myself when we were together.
If I had a day or night where I saw a friend or a family member without him there he would say horrible things about them, me and say I was putty them first.
At times he would send texts, emails or phone to call me names and try to make me do things I didn’t want to do…this ended in me blocking him and ask him to stop. He would then send hundreds of messages about how abusive I was for abandoning and blocking him, whilst he was sleeping with other women. I found he was in masses of debt and being evicted. He was looking for a woman to bale him out. I convinced myself he loved me, I still think he did but I found and spoke to many women who had slept with him during our time. One said he had hit her and she had called the police . He said she was a drunk. He said all of his previous partners were loonies. He convinced me that he only slept with other women at times where we had ‘fallen out’ and was due to my blocking/abandoning abuse. I am going out of my mind. I am now hurting so much and need to know if this is my fault.
Dear Jackie,
None of this is your fault. Sadly he is using you like the others. You mentioned the truth you found out, he’s in debt and being evicted, abusing others. Run as fast as you can away from this man and get help from Melanie.
Jackie Run away and Don’t Look back, you deserve better than that, it’s not Going to get any better only worse, do all the modules with Melanie and it will change your life Completely Blessings Col
Yes! so so brilliant and true, thank you Melanie ✨ Gentle tears of recognition reading this powerful, important article.
Thank you for all that you share ✨💃🏻🤗 & the wonders of your courses that have been so transformative for me in every area of my life xx
I never could find the truth, the narcissist had too many players that were willing to go along with his lies and deceptions, and others that just remained silent because they feared narcissistic punishment if they revealed the truth. But, I finally sensed I was never going to get the truth and decided to get out of the relationship, because I realized I was only narcissistic supply. If someone loves you then he does not fear you learning his truth. It took me far too long to come to that conclusion, and I am suffering the discard and discredit abuse now because I made the choice to get out and let go. It feels as though I am being severely punished because I had no right to reject him; NOBODY can reject him. How dare.
Thanks for post! ‘The version of what we want them to be”. Narcs are chameleons, shimmering their colors and constantly flipping the script! Have not met one in business, but in their personal romance they lie and deceive, future fake one with phantom plans! After 7 months the awareness of taking my power back is finally taking hold. They pretend to be charismatic by the worlds standard but are evil, full of strife, abuse and lust. Getting free of their emotional abuse used to prop up their egos is a slow process, just realized you’ve been duped, they don’t make romantic relationships personal.
Absolutely wonderful Mel and I read it in relation to what is happening to our world right now. A mass narcissistic/psychopathic abuse on humanity, a deception which has been in place for so long, we are having the veil lifted and seeing the illusion which has been present probably for thousands of years. An incredible opportunity for each and every one of us to fully wake up, take radical personal responsibility for our lives and remember who we are and our sovereignty.
Thank you so much Mel, with huge gratitude and respect for you.
Sammy x
So much love to you Sammy darling!
I agree with all you say!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Samantha,
I don’t really see this moment that way at all — in fact, for me it has been a very peaceful time and not a change in my life; but I noticed that it was a BIG upheaval for many. And that many were very triggered by it —-
This made me think that perhaps this time triggers people who have specific wounds. I don’t happen to have those wounds and so I couldn’t understand the upset. So interesting!
Then again, I already have been living a very unconventional life for decades and get very puzzled by most things that motivate human behavior.
We’ve been through SOOO many upheavals as humans over hundreds, thousands of years. And we accept many apparent limitations as part of living in society — such as property ownership and all the rules around driving cars! Imagine telling someone living in a nomadic society in North America hundreds years ago that they couldn’t camp wherever they wanted, that they were on someone’s ‘private property’ and were not allowed to be there! People living just a couple hundred years ago in what is now US could not conceive of owning property. To them it was like owning water or air. Inconceivable. Yet today hardly anyone questions it. I am even careful about walking across a neighbor’s yard!! Just one example of many of the things we do every day as part of a society. The myriad of rules governing cars is another — can’t just drive any way you want; gotta take a class, pass a test, pay a fee, give them all your personal info and then you have to stop at certain signs, you can’t drive as fast as you want, you can’t drive just ANYWHERE, you can’t drink and drive etc etc. We all agree it makes sense, because we all share this space and want to be safe.
Imagine if there were no rules governing the roads and any Tom, Dick or Harry could drive any vehicle any which way they want?
Just find it interesting to think about how the current pandemic has upset some people in ways other restrictions don’t.
Kirsten
p.s. I also find it interesting to look at epidemics throughout history —-
I think about how Boccaccio wrote one of the most important works of European literature, The Decameron when the “black death” was ravaging Florence — a group of men and women flee the city to try to escape the 14th century plague!
And I think about the little village in England which opted to shut down from all traffic in or or out for years when the 1665 bubonic plague came to their town thanks to infected cloth. They chose to shut themselves off from the rest of the world and quarantine so as not to spread the deadly virus further. Can you imagine the degree of civic responsibility the people in that little town took upon themselves? It’s an amazing story. They would leave money (soaked in vinegar to kill virus) in a rock (boundary rock) in exchange for supplies and medicines.
So interesting to read how we as humans handled deadly outbreaks throughout the ages! Quarantines, lock downs, masks, etc —- time honored traditions —
Kirsten
Time honored traditions did not not include forced injections into our bodies of various chemicals that can have and DO have serious consequences. The use of FEAR to get compliance in allowing “people in authority “ to decide what is best for us. The use of censorship in prohibiting any other viewpoint. Wake up. Smell the coffee.
Agree wholeheartedly. Add in The smearing of people who question the narrative. I have lead a very peaceful time through the recent ‘ pandemic’ but when I look to other countries like Australia, France, New Zealand, I can see what’s coming very soon to England.
Hi!
I have no need to ‘wake up’. Already been there, done that!
This isn’t much different from many other things that happen in conventional society — fear drives a lot of things. As for vaccines, there are all sorts of vaccines given to children and adults alike — that’s how polio was brought down in the US, for example.
There’s a highly contagious virus circulating the globe — if vaccines help slow the spread and give hospitals a chance to care for the sick, then that seems like a good thing. You don’t have to participate in conventional society — if vaccines are a rule of entry to it, that’s fine.
I’ve lived an unconventional life for decades, so I mostly look at what’s going on in society from an observational point of view anyway! I question literally everything (right down to the basic building blocks, like the family unit and why so many gravitate to that as opposed to living a life dedicated to silence!)
This looks no different from a myriad of other conventional systems in place to keep society as it is running. There are so many examples of rules governing society which are really restrictive and yet few question them (rules around driving, rules around travel, immigration and passports, laws, wars, police etc)
I just honestly don’t see why this is bothering some people so much —
I’m guessing there are wounds around it from other experiences in the past, even distant past.
The pandemic experience for me has been peaceful. I wish we would stay at that slower pace and everyone could have more time to turn inward and be still!
Kirsten
OOOOH!!!!! I SEE!!
I think some people needed this experience as a ‘wake up call’ to see certain things!
OOOOH!
I’d been so bothered by people seemingly ‘going nuts’ over this pandemic when nothing seems very odd about it to me —
but I already deconstructed so much about human life and human society and all the systems governing us a long time ago —-
Sometimes I assume other people had already done that as well. Sometimes I assume everyone has had the same experiences I’ve had and then get puzzled by different reactions.
For some people THIS IS an awakening experience!!!!
AAAAAH ok!!!!!!!!! Wow : ) wow!!! : )
You contradict yourself in this article. You wrote “truth is truth”, and in the next paragraph, you wrote “claim your truth”. I agree, truth is truth. Truth is universal. Therefore, there is no such thing as “your truth”. There is only the truth. There is no such thing as different truths. There are different opinions, different concepts, different memories, different philosophies and so forth but only one truth. Your truth, my truth, her truth, his truth, their truth, that is just a bunch of nonsense and that is THE TRUTH.
Melanie,
Thank you for this article. I am in a field which attracts narcissists because my field allows one to have authority. However, I was attracted to the field purely to help other people, but found myself up against authoritarian figures who wanted to decide how I should think, behave and, even what I should wear and how I should style my hair. Everyone in my life was telling me to just go with the flow, but I however did not find going with the flow to be conducive to my inner voice.
Thank you for this validation that it is ultimately God that knows and no other outside source is going to cut it, even if they are in a position of authority. I have begun taking my power back even though I am currently in a horrible smear campaign against me. My narcissist has smeared my name to almost everyone I have been in contact with, placing their bad qualities onto me. This has been frustrating and caused me both anger and sadness but as I do the modules I feel I am growing stronger each day. Not sure how many times I will need to do them because feelings of anger and sadness keep coming back. But each article and each bit of information I am receiving is helping me to strengthen myself daily. Thanks so much, and much love to all the other fellow NARPers…
I love Molly that you are working through the NARP Modules to help you.
You have got this Dear Lady
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Mel, Thank you for mentioning the need to be humble. It took me a long time to admit that a large part of my inability to be humble, my arrogance entirely, kept me from walking away from narcissists. I think I made a big breakthrough when I was able to see myself and my arrogance for the hindrance that it was. Love you and your giving nature. Biiiiggggg Hugs, Joy
You are very welcome Joy,
big love to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks for a clarity and some unique expression that confronts my conceptions..
I am now 77 years old.
I have experienced just one narc in my life that fits your profile description. A friend in this case. Other friends knew something was off as well, but they thought it was bipolar behavior. I have a close friend whose brother was bipolar and I experienced that first-hadn and I am fully aware of the difference between that an what I experienced with this friend. You nailed it – that friend is narcissistic in the OVERT way. Extremely threatening when in tantrums. However, I grew up having to face physically tough and threatening guys, some in gangs. I learned to face that and be stoic while realizing I could be killed. It is a very hard experience verging on panic, but panic cannot be permitted.
I used that stoic stance to get me through events with the narc. Fortunately I did not have to live with the narc – though I was invived several times to move in and share or be an employee in the narc’s business. I knew all these invites would result in disaster if I accepted, but I finally succumbed to and invitation to help me move instead of my hiring movers. That experience confirmed everything ten-fold. The narc is no friend and all the claims seem null now.
Nevertheless, I feel sorry for the narc. And, I enforce my distance from the narc. The boundaries are firm. But, I see also what a disaster the narc constantly creates for himself because he is cutting off his own feet continually. What is remarkable is how he is able to repeatedly overcome obstackes and emerge a master of new skills. The energy of that ongoing process is amazing. It’s like watching severe storm, hurricane or tornado.
Psychology has a few helpful models but it is insufficient for a lot of mental problems. They seem to recognized narcissism as beyond them. I think they fail to see their models are often based on populations studies (surveys…) which can never describe indivduals – they can only describe likelihoods of populations or group . Like medical doctors, they describe sickness best and mostly fail to recognize what is healthy. The remaining of “Medical Care” as “Health Care” is nice marketing but sorry, no pat on the back.
My experience since childhood seemed to repeatedly confirm that no one really has knowledge, just what I would call know-how and that is not real knowledge. That includes all the folks with academic certificates, badges and degrees or accolades and everyone relying upon such as some approach to truth. The only truth I know is inside us, not outside. Laws or government do not protect us – a huge lie.
I have experienced some life-threatening events that I lied in order to escape.
I have lied at least four times in my life, verbally. Two of those were at age 6 years to two different pedophiles. The others were always my response to what felt like a severe threat. This experience makes me realize that standing up and facing life has variations and personal limits. I might get a big ego-boost to say I was courageous and able to sacrifice myself for some worthy ideal, but that has been partial at best. Life is a test and we fail a lot.
However one of my better mentors said “turn your stumbling blocks into stepping stones.” I love remembering that when I fail.
Currently, I am not risking enough to generate these exciting testy events.
I have become a reclusive, single individual. I socialize casually daily with men and women on my daily walks and enjoy that. But no intimacy in my life and I feel full, happy, sad and empty depending upon when. I am currently trying new strategies suggested by various psychological and other models for dealing with my inner feelings.
Tony.
In my opinion, you explained very well,the various ups and downs of surviving narc abuse. I could relate to your story
The recluse ,who feels the satety of trusting ” your” inner being . Some days happy,sad etc…
just being in the moment,knowing your own personal worth.
Trusting,knowing,just being still…….knowing !!
Thank you for sharing your story,…All helps to keep looking up,head held high and” knowing”
Molly
Your comments were great too. Really hit the spot.
Keep your head held high. Believe in the God who created you ,and stand firm. The Victory will be yours
Thank you,also for sharing your story . Helping each other is so inspiring 🙋
Melanie..,trust all these feed backs inspire you too❤️
Absolutely they do Fay!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Many years ago, my wife and I joined a small independent fundamental church. At first everything seem normal. We got to know most of the families. I begin to notice that conversations that I had with the pastor were being brought up during the sermon.
Something didn’t seem right with the pastor. After a while, I observed that some of the sermons were personal attacks against a church member. I have a sense of humor and that became under attack. The final attack towards me occurred when the pastor during a Sunday sermon said, some of you I pray that your train will jump the tracks. I told my wife we need to find a new church. We tolerated this for two years.
We found a new church very quickly and joined it. The pastor was calling us and demanding that we meet. My curiosity got the best of me and we agreed to meet with him. A big mistake.
The pastor and his wife came over to our home. It was a 40 minute meeting. The pastor told us that if we leave we can not have any contact with the other church members, if we did he would discipline us. He quoted some Bible scripture that he twisted for his condemning speech.
We left that church, but that was not the end. Our new pastor advised us that the other pastor had paid his a visit and did everything he could to get us thrown out of the new church. He continued to call us and send us items in the mail hoping to get us back. A couple of more years passed and we found out that he was finally fired. In a meeting he had with some of the church members, the pastor had admitted to committing 21 different sins. The pastor moved across the country and found another small independent church to run.
Gunther and Terri Adele, note that I say “They pay out enough rope in lies to eventually be caught” not that they WILL be caught. I agree with you that many “get away with it” and “never get caught.” However, as we shine more light upon this darkness, chances of them getting away with it keep diminishing. We may never drive their lies to zero, but truth and justice are exactly that: when we achieve them, they flourish so that lies and deceit have less chance to “stick.” I imagine that generations from now, because of our righteousness, we keep these sad human beings stuck in the dark corners they paint themselves into. The light becomes brighter, the darkness lessens. Yet, this likely means the darkness likely remains even MORE hidden, so this battle of good vs. evil seems it will never truly be “done.” We must do our best to be bright and as full of light as we are.
Mel’s themes of “think for yourself” and “listen to your soul as it whispers to you” are once again right on the bulls-eye. Amazing.
What I wonder (longer-term) is if these truths can be taught to those (i.e. the young and naïve) who have never first-hand experienced this. Must we learn these truths only through the pain of experience? The old adage is…”when the student is ready, the teacher arrives.”
Melanie and Fay, thank you for your comments. I am often deeply touched at how personable this blog can be. Same to everybody who contributes here, really. This is an incredible space of learning and healing.
We are very blessed to have this space!
Totally agree
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Chances of them getting aways will keep diminishing. Yeah, I will believe it when our top leaders doing something about it instead of not doing anything about it for the various reasons that I have stated.
Race
What”a Demon” pr …..really I had to laugh !!! Could see the funny side …BUT…
They can thrive in churches,these abusive types and get away with ! All in the name of God ( taking His name in vain!
Thankfully you are out of that situation…….
A true blue! Narc!!😈😈. Yuk
What an Article, if we can call it that. We should just call it THE TRUTH!
Such a POWERFUL ARTICLE! And RELEVANT to NOW!
It is hard to know what Adjectives, Superlatives, words – to use.
Just reading it Feels so ALIVE, FEEL it so so deep. Resonates Everywhere.
Thank You Mel!
Kondwani
Hi Kondwani,
so pleased you FELT this Dear Man!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you, Melanie, once again your article is so timely.
I have had to watch in horror as the narc president of my alma mater has dismantled our college, which was a very special place for women to learn and become empowered, and sell it off to another institution, I guess to feed her own agenda. It will now go co-ed. No thought given at all to the needs of the alums, students, parents of study, staff and faculty, or the three independent reports saying the college was NOT in financial distress, and the sale was unnecessary, and that everyone overwhelmingly wanted it to remain a college for women. She exhibited a complete lack of compassion and total unwillingness to work with us.
We finally had to take her to court to ask for the financials, and she countersued, obfuscated, and she and the Board ( who she mysteriously seems to have under her spell, and by their own admission have been ‘sworn to secrecy’) have completely ignored everyone and acted as though they are above the rules of decency and accountability. This has broken the hearts of thousands of good people, but they do not care.
Of course, she is highly successful, with several degrees and a very slick, charming charismatic personality . Probably that it what fooled the Board into hiring her in the first place; they thought she would be an excellent role model for young women. Instead she has proven to be a sad example of how NOT to be, and we have all lost out.
It never ceases to amaze me how much damage one narc in a position of trust and authority can do. My alma mater was, for myself and most everyone else in the college, a sacred place; it now lies in ruin, sold for a song to a bigger university that is going to eliminate undergraduate degrees and mostly wants it as a real estate investment, all because of having the wrong leader.
I’m going to need to do a lot of shifting to get beyond this level of abuse and its concomitant grief and loss.
I’m new to this narcissism stuff. Or I should say the knowledge of narcissism. Looking back I can see that I have been a target of it, by an aggressor that may or may not not have known of their condition. Regardless of that, the harm and damage were still the same.
It’s very difficult to comprehend. You’re not sure what you’re dealing with. My instincts and conditioning were to do something to help. In the meantime my psyche and mental health were being hurt in a very deep way. The repercussions last for years as you slowly come to the realization of what has happened and peal away the layers as to the breadth and extent of the damage done. At this point the thought of the time and work needed to fix it is mind boggling. It can be paralyzing because you don’t know where to begin.
Gerald, is IS mind-boggling! I use a much stronger four-letter word following mind(f***) to describe it. Wanting to do something to help is so natural, especially for people who might be called “empaths,” and empaths and narcs naturally attract one another. That realization can be a beginning point, a crystallization of the process of unravelling it, which isn’t easy, but it is possible. Especially with the sort of powerful truths that Melanie and spaces like this share. You’ll see time and time again (I keep being amazed by it) how people here are gob-smacked (in a GOOD way!) at how “the light bulb goes on” about other people’s behavior, my or your behavior…these patterns are as old as humanity. The healing is too, but it feels elusive. When we talk (blog…) about these patterns of behavior, and especially how we fit in and most importantly how we can and do change ourselves, not only do WE transform, the WORLD transforms. That’s a taste of how it has been unfolding for me (for months and years, really), and each of us must go at our own pace. The good news is that it seems (with NARP and the good guidance of people like Mel who “see it” and are actually quite good at sharing it and teaching it) others who are very much like us (having experienced the same kind of abuse), CAN and DO flourish as a result. So follow your path, Gerald and you will unravel the knots, no longer be paralyzed and find you are newly strapped onto a rocket ship called “a new you.” It takes time, yes, and it is an amazing ride. I don’t know what my destination is either, but it is so exciting to be on my way.
Mel, might I ask you to address my earlier question of whether NARP and your shared wisdom can help those who have not yet experienced narcissistic abuse, so that they can avoid it in their future? I called these people “young and naïve” before, but as to “naïve,” well, maybe I shouldn’t have said that: the young are simply young, and they come in all stripes and flavors. Does somebody have to have experienced this (maybe including a discard, maybe not) to learn these skills and wisdom? As a kind of “inoculation” against it possibly happening in one’s future? Or is this a sort of “cosmic lesson” that happens to us for a reason and only “being washed in this water” allows us to come out (cleaner?!) on the other side with this new-found and newly-understood wisdom?
Hi Man From California,
I am sorry that I missed that previous question.
NARP has been successfully worked by those who have not necessarily been narcissistically abused.
For our children and young people, the most powerful thing for them is our healing and leading the way.
Major shifts and changes are required in humanity with values and truths, and God-willing – this is coming!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Deep thanks to you for your answer, Melanie. And thanks to you on so many levels!
My last relationship with a narc—last as in “most recent” and also “final” (I hope)—was about as horrifying as the movie “It.”
He was my yoga teacher.