How To Spot A Covert Narcissist

The differences between overt and covert narcissists are totally obvious.

The overt: big arrogant personality, entitled, selfish and demanding but often charismatic, confident and witty.

The covert: secretly arrogant, superior and passive-aggressive but mostly quiet and introverted. They appear to be the shy type.

It’s easy to spot the overt, while the covert easily slips under the radar because they can seem inoffensive on the surface.

Both these types are problematic, both are damaging and abusive. But the covert narcissist literally sneaks up on you with their subtle depressive and anxious ways. You need to know how to spot these individuals before you let them get too close. I fell for a covert, and it nearly destroyed me.

In my latest Thriver TV video, I answer all your lingering questions about the covert narcissist – how they present, what they do, the damage they cause, and, of course, how to break away and heal from them. They are sneaky and sticky and will underhandedly do whatever is necessary to take you down.

Knowing how to read the signs from an overt or covert narcissist will be easier after you watch my video, and it may even save you from falling for one of these types ever again.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today we’re going to look at two types of narcissists as well as how to heal from narcissistic abuse. Now, I know there’s a lot out there about covert narcissists, and most definitely I want to help you identify them, but also what it is within you that might be unconsciously hooking you up with them so that you can actually heal from them.

Before I get started, I just want to remind you to make sure that you’ve pressed the notification button for my videos so that you are subscribed to this incredible healing community, and also so that you know when each new video is going to be released.

 

The Obvious Differences Between The Covert And The Overt Narcissist

Let’s talk about covert narcissists. Many of you ask about them a lot – how they present, what they do, the damage they cause, and, of course, how to break away and heal from them. I want to start off with the obvious differences between the covert and the overt narcissist, because coverts are not as obvious as the normal narcissist.

The traditional definition of a narcissist is somebody who’s got a really big arrogant personality. It’s somebody who is entitled, they’re selfish, they’re demanding, but before you get to know that you start to see that they have this air of superiority and they can even grandstand and be grandiose.

They appear really confident and charming and funny and witty. They’re the life of the party and people often gravitate to this type of narcissistic personality in droves because they’re infectious and they’re all shiny and exciting. Society often rewards of these types of people.

Now, the problem with the usual recognition of narcissist is that the covert narcissist can slip under the radar. The interesting thing about the covert is that there is still the arrogance and the superiority of the traditional narcissist yet it’s much harder to spot and it can be easy to miss.

The covert narcissist is the one likely to be sitting at the back of the room. They don’t take the limelight. They can appear shy, introverted, and they have more than a touch of the victim personality. These are people who have got much less finesse, they don’t have the social skills, and they’re not really comfortable with people and groups of people like a traditional narcissist is.

The covert is somebody who feels hard done by, and when you engage with them you’ll find out that they have this victim personality. They will talk about how others have done the wrong thing by them and how they’ve had limitations and less opportunities and how others are against them in the world, we’re going to go into that in greater detail in this video.

Whereas the overt narcissist who appears really positive and really happy, often ensnare people with their charm and their power, apparent, and their success and their big personalities whereas covert narcissists hunt more discreetly. They sidle up to people who may start feeling sorry for them, people who are attracted to helping and loving these people through their vulnerabilities and their anxieties and the losses that they’ve had in their life. Again, we’re going to break that down even more as well.

 

Hot Versus Cold Narcissism

Let’s have a look at one of the significant differences, which is hot versus cold narcissism. Overt narcissists are more of the hot type and the covert is the less obvious cold type.

Overt narcissists are up and down in a kind of bipolar way. The overt narcissist is really black or white. Everything is either great or it’s terrible. They’re happy and as high as a kite and just completely delightful, or they’re down, angry, nasty, and hugely confrontational.

An overt narcissist is likely to tell you straight to your face in a really direct way how they feel about you, and it can be nasty and name-calling, and they’ll do that when they’re feeling triggered and they’re down and they lash out and they attack.

Now, cold narcissists don’t have that kind of black and white personality where they’re either up or down. Covert narcissists are usually more depressed and miserable and anxious than not. They’re rarely happy.

They’re extremely draining to be around and they’re very passive-aggressive in their comments, and I’m going to give you some examples of this, and these are the comments that chip away at your Soul.

So they’ll say things to you like, when they’re trying to put you down, rather than straight to your face, they’ll say something like, “If only your friends knew who you really are.” or, “Clearly, you have a certain relationship with your boss for him to look after you the way he does.” You know that this person is making accusations about you, but it’s in a really hurtful, non-direct, passive-aggressive kind of way. It’s quite insidious.

Of course, the reaction if you address this, is that you’re going to see the narcissistic three ring circus, which is denial, projections, defenses, and all the games that make your head spin when you try to call them out on it. It’s the same with the hot type, but the hot type will be more vicious whereas the cold type will be more condescending and passive- aggressive.

 

Omnipotent Versus Victimised Narcissism

Now, let’s have a look at omnipotent versus victimized narcissism. Overt narcissists have a literal God complex. They believe they’re indestructible, they can do anything, conquer anything, have anything, and they will even put themselves into ridiculously dangerous, immoral and reckless situations.

Overt narcissists crash and burn often. They’ll dust themselves off, leave their disasters with everybody else to clean up, and just restart their life again on a different set, like a different stage play. Of course, they don’t learn from their mistakes.

Whereas the covert narcissist, on the other hand, is the perpetual victim. They believe the world is against them. They’re incredibly negative. They think everybody’s out to get them. They don’t get going. They don’t improve themselves. They don’t take risks. They don’t put themselves else out there, and it’s everybody else’s fault.

If you try to push them to improve themselves or just do something, they’re going to lash out at you and they’re going to blame you for their victimhood. You are the enemy. They’ll just put you in the basket with everybody and everything else that is against them.

They’re enmeshed in their victim story and their miserableness, and they will take you down with them, if you stay with them. They believe they never got a fair go. They believe life owes them and, of course, you owe them. They’re not happy with anything much in their life and they’re definitely not happy with you and how you relate to them.

It doesn’t matter what you try to do for them, they’re going to criticize you, blame you, judge you, tell you it’s your fault. It’s never good enough. Doesn’t matter what you do, what you don’t do, or how much money or effort you throw at them to try to help them – it’s your fault. I know a lot of you will be relating to this if you are dealing with a covert narcissist, because it’s beyond maddening.

 

Extraverted Versus Introverted Narcissism

Now, let’s have a look at extroverted versus introverted narcissists. Overt narcissists like company. They seek direct narcissistic supply through people and groups, claim notoriety, attention – all of that stuff. They get it through charm and warmness and generosity, of course, to the outer environment. If you’re in a close inner environment, you know it can be very different.

Overt narcissists feel much more confident in social interactions than covert narcissists who are much more introverted, secluded, and paranoid around people. They often really feel out of their depths around people.

The covert narcissist will try to devalue your interactions with others. They will talk about people disparagingly behind their backs, make you feel guilty about socializing like you don’t love them enough or you enjoy other people’s attention more than time with them and they’re going to make passive-aggressive comments about that.

They will go to social events with you where they are so uncomfortable that it makes you feel uncomfortable. They’ll be in the person in the corner – sullen, moody, anxious, and you may feel like you just have to leave to try to keep them happy.

 

The Common Qualities That Covert Narcissists Have With Traditional Narcissists

So there are some of the differences, but let’s have a look at some of the common qualities that covert narcissists have with traditional narcissists, but yet there’s a bit of a twist. Let’s have a look at it.

When you look deeper at the similarities between the covert and the overt, you’ll see it’s narcissism. It really is. It’s just that it presents a little differently. First of all, all narcissists are inherently depressed, meaning that they’ve disconnected from their True Self. Because, as a narcissist with a False Self, they’ve really buried and thrown their Inner Being aside. They don’t want to look at how they really feel about themselves or their wounds or their development or their healing. They just want to put out a fictitious character that they’re going to live their life through.

What that means is that all narcissists, the covert and the overt, are actually drug addicts, meaning they’re empty on the inside and they need narcissistic supply. They all need attention, significance, people’s Life Force and resources to keep feeding their insatiable False Self.

It’s like a black hole because it can’t maintain its own energy force, its own peace, its own happiness, its own fullness. The overt narcissist pretends to be up and positive and in love with life because that’s how they attract people to them for narcissistic supply. Yet as a close intimate behind closed doors, you’ll see it’s far from the truth.

So when the facade crashes with an overt narcissist as it regularly does, then they’re going to be sullen, angry, needy for attention, which means they’re entitled. They’re arrogant. They’re demanding. In fact, as time goes on, it becomes impossible to please the overt narcissist. They’ll come in from the outside and they’re full of narcissistic supply, and then they get triggered off into their wounds and they get down and depressed and it seems like they’re quite up and then down. They’re either black or they’re white.

However, the covert narcissist displays their depression much more transparently. They’re more obviously irritable, moody, sullen, passive-aggressive, depressed, victimized, and they are very needy, demanding and entitled, which, of course, means blaming you for how they’re feeling and trying to hold you responsible for fixing how they’re feeling.

Here’s the thing, too. We might think that the overt narcissist is the one that has this big grandiosity and this entitlement and this arrogance, but the covert narcissist still has it as well, just with a bit of a twist.

Now, here is how it’s different. An overt narcissist will tell you, “I’m the best at something,” and they grandstand. Whereas the covert narcissist will tell you the only reason they’re not recognized by everybody as the best at something is because they just didn’t get the breaks that other people had. That’s the victim story. The competitiveness and the superiority that are trademarks of narcissism still apply with both types.

Yet here is the difference. The overt narcissist will put themselves in the event or the competition or the class trying to beat everybody publicly and bang their chest. Whereas the covert narcissist won’t involve themselves, but they’re going to make haughty excuses like, “There’s no point in me even lowering myself to a competition where the judges scoring the results don’t even know as much as I do about this topic.” That’s how they pass it off.

 

Pathological Jealousy

Now, pathological jealousy is something that both covert and overt narcissists both have and this is how it expresses a little bit differently. The overt narcissist may love to name-drop about people’s successes and accomplishments and brag about other people because they think that it makes them look superior to people. Also, they may sidle up with these people to try and get elevated positions up the ladder as a result of being on these people’s coattails. Then, of course, when they get to the same level, then they’ll start destroying them.

Or, it’s all about, “I’m so great because I know so and so, and so and so is helping me get to where I want to get,” and that’s how they do it. But with the close intimates like their love partners or their family and people around them, the overt narcissist will belittle, degrade, and sabotage because they’re thinking, How dare you steal the attention away from me when we have friends or family over?” It’s that kind of thing.

Now, with the covert narcissist, they will arrogantly discredit other people’s success and they’re going to have this arrogant victim story about how they know better. They are better because they’ve got all these unseen and unrecognized skills, gifts and talents. It’s only because these other people got the breaks that the covert narcissist never got, and it was because those people (just forget about the hard work and the effort they put in) had good luck, and it’s just bad luck that the covert never hit success.

They also find a way to discredit anybody who is gutsy, who takes risks and who puts themselves out there and backs themselves because the covert narcissist doesn’t generate their own life and they continually make excuses for why they don’t. They mock other people’s success.

Of course, according to the covert narcissist, their own lack of success was just their bad luck or because life attacked them and other people tried to bring them down.

 

What Draws People To Covert Narcissists?

Here is a very important question that I want to look at because let’s all take our power back because that’s what Thriver healing is all about, and we have to get real to heal.

So what draws people to covert narcissists? What does? It’s a really important question because these people seem like such a misery, who would want to be with them? They’re nowhere near as shiny and as attractive as overt narcissist, which you could be forgiven for falling for until you know better and you’ve developed and heal yourself.

It’s so interesting how many people do a covert narcissist after an overt narcissist. Not all the time, but it does happen a lot. Maybe you’ve already experienced a big, brash, overt narcissist, and you’ve very mindfully tried to choose somebody who is more unassuming, quieter, and less obviously grandiose.

Yet, as many of us have painfully experienced, if we still haven’t healed our Inner Love Code from our past traumas and we’re still carrying them things like, “The people I love invalidate, abuse me, and emotionally annihilate me.” Then again, we will often find ourselves in relationships with another narcissist who brings us more of these traumas again that we haven’t yet healed.

Even though we thought we were choosing a different person, we’ve still got a narcissist, just a different flavour of narcissist this time, and I absolutely did that with my second narcissist. I still had some unhealed stuff I hadn’t worked through yet.

Also, inside many of us is the desire to rescue. We’re attracted to vulnerabilities and getting behind somebody who we think needs love and a better chance at life. Covert narcissists will share their sob stories very early on. If you’re empathetic and kind in nature, you feel really sorry for these people, about the childhood abuse and the terrible things that they’ve suffered at the hands of others.

You may feel protective and that bonds you to them deeply. You may also hang on and on to these people in the cognitive dissonance of, “He or she is like that because of their childhood. I can understand why they behave like that.” You make excuses and justifications for their behaviour, no matter how badly they treat you.

At the deeper levels of our Inner Being, if we’ve had relationships with family members, usually parents, but it could be any family member, who was damaged and vulnerable, and we were trying to fix them so that they could be healthy enough to love us, then we’re going to be naturally, subconsciously attracted to and attractive to victims who need fixing.

We’re unconsciously trying to right the wrongs of our childhoods, yet only deeply ripping open these wounds to relive them all over again. We’re trying to be the parent to someone who we didn’t receive ourselves and, again, our needs and our values and our truths are not going to be met. As we all know, getting involved, enmeshed and trauma-bonded to narcissists creates very big losses on every level of our life and our health, as we know.

 

How To Heal From Covert Narcissists

So how to heal from covert narcissist? The most powerful way and, really, the only way for real to heal from covert narcissist is to detach from them. Stop trying to change them because you can’t change any narcissist no matter how many shapes you try to twist yourself into, and instead turn inwards to heal yourself up and out of the internal trauma bonds that are keeping you ensnared with them.

 

In Conclusion

If you recognize that you’re enmeshed with a covert narcissist or not yet recovered from one, then I highly recommend my free webinar. I’d love you to come into it so that you can learn more about Quanta Freedom Healing, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, which is known as NARP, and how it can quickly and powerfully dissolve your trauma bonds so that you can start to get your sanity, your power, your life, and your Soul back from this madness that’s ripping you apart.

I hope today has helped grant ease and clarity in what to look out for with those tricky, insidious coverts who are less obvious so you can get clear, it’s still narcissism. I look forward to your comments and your questions about this.