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Narcissists like to turn everything against you, such as people, situations, resources, property and even your children.  By why do they do this and why do you end up feeling powerless when this happens?

I know you want them to see the light and understand why their actions, words and behaviour is hurting you and you want them to ‘get it’.

How can you get a narcissist to see the light?

I am going to explain EXACTLY how you can in today’s Thriver TV episode!

 

 

Video Transcript

My heart goes out to you if you are experiencing a narcissist turning everything against you. I know it’s horrible, and I know that you can feel powerless when this happens.

I also know that you want the narcissist to get it, that their behaviour is atrocious, that what they are doing to you is not okay.

It is usual to want to make a narcissist see the light!

That’s exactly what we are going to talk about today, how you can make a narcissist see the light.

The light that is going to make your life awesome, free from the pain and able to generate what you want – true love, safety and honesty.

Before we get started, thank you for supporting the Thriver Mission and helping spread the word that there is a way to heal for real from narcissistic abuse, by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet subscribed, I’d love to remind you to please do so.

Okay, so let’s get started on today’s important episode.

 

Our Normal Tendency When Being Set Upon

When somebody is treating us with such cruelty and the projections of making everything out to be our fault, we get angry. We try to get them to treat us decently.

But, with narcissistic people, this 100% does not work.

If anything, it grants the narcissist more bullets to shoot us with. He or she will use our traumatised feelings against us and shift the blame even more heavily.

It feels devastating.

When we are traumatised, we just can’t seem to stop ourselves from trying to go in harder to get this person to “see the light” and stop doing what they’re doing. Despite it making matters even worse.

Why doesn’t it give us the results we want?

The real reason why it doesn’t work is because we are not using “our light” at this time.

We are being triggered heavily into our wounds. Wounds from our life preceding this current experience. The wounds of not feeling lovable, heard, respected and treated with care.

To a narcissist, this is A-grade narcissistic supply. Our intense emotional attention towards them makes him or her feel so significant. It additionally allows the narcissist to shift the blame and accuse us of being all sorts of things – such as unloving, untrustworthy, selfish and nasty.

Then we go all-in even harder, trying to justify how good a person we are. Often, we then hand over even more of our resources, good nature and energy trying to prove to the narcissist that we are a decent and trustworthy individual.

This empties us out even more.

I promise you this, as hard as it is to accept, the following understanding will change everything for you and start to liberate you …

It is not possible to take back your power, when you are triggered and stuck and traumatised in your wounds.

Let’s talk about the way to rise up and out of this.

 

Detachment in Order to Heal

A huge shift is necessary to get out of this terrible and traumatising pattern, of hooking into the narcissist trying to force him or her to see the light and only getting pulverised and ripped apart even more every time you try to do it.

There is only one way to get onto the path of feeling safe and whole again, and that is to stop touching the stove that is burning you.

Stop taking the poison that is making you so sick.

This requires letting go, detaching and pulling away regardless of what this person threatens, or does. Then you can turn inwards to self-partner and heal the parts of you that are being significantly targeted and triggered by the narcissist.

At first, of course, this is the last thing that we want to do.

We are addicted to trying to go back in harder, trying to force this person to stop doing what they’re doing. But this is a Wrong Town focus that just leads to more compounding traumatisation.

You have to let go and pull away. There is no other way.

 

The True Lesson in This

I really want you to understand that someone who has the capacity to treat you so cruelly is not someone who you can ever change to have a healthy relationship with. They simply do not have the capacity.

This person was never in your life to have a healthy relationship with. Rather, they ignited enough pain within so that you would pull away, detach and heal yourself up to your inner wholeness to never accept a lesser relationship than the love and wholeness that you have achieved within yourself.

After healing yourself back to wholeness, I promise you that you will have no feelings of loss, wanting to reconnect, needing closure from, or even wanting the narcissist to change and see the light.

Rather, you will have become the light to yourself that your Inner Being always wanted you to be.

There is so much for you to look forward to, I promise.

And I know you need to hear that, to give you the hope of being able to move out of the pain that you are feeling right now.

 

What Happens When the Narcissist Sees Your Light

People often say that narcissists will never stop harassing and abusing them.

I used to believe this myself and thought that he would never let up until I was completely destroyed.

Now I know how this is not true.

So many of us are now living completely narcissistic free lives, even those who are parallel parenting with narcissists.

What is the defining difference? How do you get not only free of the trauma symptoms of narcissistic abuse but completely free from the narcissist’s antics, punishments and malicious behaviour, regardless of what he or she has kept trying to do?

The answer is simple … I promise you.

The answer is to do the work on your Inner Being to detox yourself from every trauma, painful belief and previous experience that has to do with abuse.

When you achieve this, there is no more pain, blame, shame or regret or any negative feelings in regard to the narcissist at all. The obsessional thoughts completely stop and all the memories fade away as if it was somebody else this happened to.

That is what Thriving truly means!

When you become this light, the narcissist can no longer be in your experience, any more than an ice cube could be on a warm beach.

Remember the truth about the myth of vampires. They cannot bear the light. What this metaphor really means is, when they aren’t in the shadows working with people’s fear and pain, and are exposed under a big great spotlight of truth, they shriek and shrivel up.

I promise you that your greatest defence is always about healing yourself up to be who you really are. Without your internal trauma, you already are a whole individual who knows how to make your life work.

And this is exactly what you will start to experience.

I hope that this episode has really helped you realise the truth about how to make a narcissist see the light.

Your light.

The light of your True Self which means that you are no longer a target for a False Self ever again.

If you are starting to feel and understand this, I want you to repeat after me a statement that we say in every Quanta Freedom Healing Module in all of my healing programs … This …

“I am the light. The light I am. It just is.”

Now pause this video and let me know how this feels in your body, by writing your answer below.

I am very excited about showing you how to make this happen for real in your life. You can come with me to learn how, by clicking this link. 

And if you enjoyed this video, please make sure that you subscribe so you will be kept up-to-date with each new release I do, I do two every week, and please share this video with others who need to know this truth.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Commments (92) + Leave a comments

92 thoughts on “When The Narcissist Turns Everything Against You – How To Make Them See The Light”

      2. Thank you Mel ❤
        Thank you very very much. I thank my stars I stumbled upon your videos. Else like thousands, would jist continue to go round in circles. Chasing something that doesnt exisit. Wanting something that isnt there. Waiting for an event that cannot possibly occur.
        Thank you for letting us know where to look instead. Could not have imagined otherwise. I hope one day i can feel ‘it happened to someone else’.i hope one day those memories are reduced ‘an ice cube on a beach’.
        Thank you for letting me know that I am the light. I am beginning to believe it.
        God bless you.

        Reply

        1. Hi Aka,

          It is my pleasure, and I am so pleased that my information has helped.

          I promise you that one day you will reach this place, and even beyond!

          That’s beautiful that you are starting to believe that you are the Light.

          Much love to you

          Mel 🙏💕💚

          Reply

    3. Thank you Mel and Narp. So happy knowing I can get the support and acceptance I need.
      I am amazed how gaining our true identity truly does bring a peace and love that no one can take from us.

      Blessings and deep respect for all that are doing this powerful inner work.
      🙏 💞🥰

      Reply

  2. I like to say, “I am God’s light; God’s light I am, it just is” this comforts me and gives me hope.

    Reply

  3. I can relate to Amy’s comment. I give myself a morning affirmation when fighting the negative “tape”. I say “I am a child of God. And that’s enough.”

    Reply

  4. It’s my grown adult daughter who is in her 50s and I don’t know how I can ever not have a feeling of loss. I quit reacting to her and now she’s not speaking to me which I know is what happens a narcissist loses their supply. This has happened periodically over the years and then she starts warming up to me and I take the bait again. Although I’m apparently a slow learner, this time is the end, I will never, ever again allow her to get close to me. This is the first time I have felt that way and truely accepted that she’s not going to chance. But I don’t know how to stop feeling incredibly deep sadness with the thought of breaking off contact with her completely forever, as well as guilt that I might have created the narcissist in her since it was me that raised her as a single mother.

    Reply

    1. Hi Marie,
      I feel for you as I too have a 38 yr old daughter who has been abusive to me forever. The pattern is as you describe where she warms up to me, i open my heart to her, and before long she goes in for the kill. We distance, then the cycle repeats.
      I know I will never stop loving her, but I sadly also know I just can’t get too close. When she is nice I respond in kind, but I’m trying to always remember to be prepared when the other shoe drops.
      Like you, I imagine I will always feel the sadness and loss. And yes, will always wonder if and how I contributed to her narcissism. She was born with a highly reactive sensitive temperment and I have always been at a loss as to know how to deal with her effectively. When she was born, I had an older son and felt confident in my mothering ability, but somehow I could never soothe or please her no matter how hard I tried. So painful, but a mother can never divorce a child and must somehow come to peace with her limitations.

      Reply

      1. Deborah, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I have another grown daughter who is younger and she is one of the sweetest most sane people I know. I raised both of them pretty much the same, but my older daughter that is so abusive to me has always resented normal restrictions that parents give children when they’re growing up. Someone else on this site mentioned that there might be a genetic component from her father’s side of the family that is manifesting in her. I appreciated that so much because it helps relieve me of some of the guilt feelings that I caused it in her.

        Reply

        1. Deborah and Marie, my daughter is 38, I can relate to all you both say. It is truly heartbreaking. I beat myself up for years trying to discover where I went wrong. Thankfully I have a son who is opposite, his love and support has kept me sane. Once I stepped back she directed the abuse on him. But thankfully he walks away. They hardest part was the loss of my a Grandchild. I miss them so much. I’ve come a long way in this dreadful journey and it gets easier now. I am so grateful to you Melanie for the support you give. God bless you all and stay safe 🙏🏼❤️

          Reply

          1. I have a 36 year old daughter who is the same and I have no contact with my newest grandchild as a result. Like you I grieve the loss everyday but then when I visualise having her in my life again I kind of shrivel up and panic at the thought of the hoovering, smearing, gaslighting etc etc I know will just repeat. She has convinced the inlaws I am some kind of evil person and I have been attacked by them also. It is the favorite thing to trash me as a mother and over the years she has enrolled many people to do this, people I dont even know and some I’ve never met. I simply cannot do this again. I dont have the answer. My friends do not understand what it feels like and its especially painful when I see the joyous relationships my friends have with their children and grandchildren, I am happy for them however I feel defective in some way. A few of them have said most recently ‘Robyne – your life…’ I wince at this, it hurts, not that they are trying to hurt me at all. I am simply doing my best to deal with the circumstances in my life the best I can. Its a really hard and painful situation thats for sure. I feel for you ladies I truly do xxx Thank goodness for Melanie and the program it truly brings some relief from the inner torture around all this. I decided this week that I am going to take this defective mother thing into a module and release the pain around it if I can. I hope too you have this opportunity xx

    2. Hi Marie,

      I cant even begin to imagine how painful that is … ny heart goes out to you.

      Please know Dear Lady that there are parents who have had to detach from their children in our community as well who have been able to detox the pain, trauma and shame with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I truly cdnt recommend it enough for getting past this hurt.

      I hope this helps and much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

    3. Marie,
      I have an adult son who has abused me ever since he was young. I didn’t even realise that this was what he was doing. Time and again he emotionally abused me and I always went back. Last year I suddenly said to myself “ it’s enough “, and I cut ties with him. It was so hard. I have two beautiful granddaughters who he refused to let me see. He is divorced and now I see the girls when they are with his ex. This is killing him! How could I be friendly with her! When I told him that that was the only way I could see the grandchildren, he issued me with warnings! He has a very young girl friend who is now his backup so to speak. I have tried to be nice once or twice but he comes back with accusations and blame. It’s useless. I thought that after not speaking to him for three months now he would show some remorse. But there is nothing! Just blame and nastiness. So I just cannot put myself through this any longer. It has taken me years to reach this point but I’m done. I’m tired of being his punchbag, the bruises are there though you can’t see them. I just can’t do it anymore. So now I am trying to heal myself. I listen to Melanie over and over and I have to get it into my head that he will never change. This is so very hard for me. I am widowed and he is my family. But I have friends and I have to rely on them for support. Blood does not have to be family. And here is a son who treats his mother like his enemy. Go figure.

      Reply

  5. I do not feel anything different. I want to change myself, and I know that I need your help, because I’ve unsuccssfully tried for so long. I look forward to this. Thank you for doing l what you do.

    Reply

  8. Hi Marie

    My heart bleeds for you. I am concerned about my own daughter’s trajectory. I have to keep reminding myself that my job is to pray & leave the work to God.

    It appears that you were not the original narcissist. The other parent must have contributed a genetic component and a pattern of behaviour. Parent alientation by the narcissist is a real issue.

    Reply

  9. Thanks Mal I am the light! I have a question which I am hoping you will answer. I have loving family members that I do not want to lose however how do I go no contact when narcs try to use them as flying monkeys? I want to fully recover. I haven’t told these family members they are narcs xo

    Reply

    1. Hi Angela,

      yes you are the light!

      Hun, if you just keep healing you and detach from what’s being said and powerfully and authentically be yourself, the people in your life who you love will see it and gravitate towards you.

      That’s all that you need to do.

      I hope that this deeply resonates with you.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

      1. Thanks Mal that makes perfect sense.

        ..Forgot to mention. Narcs also use mums house as the ‘killing zone’. Their threats have esculated burnt out candles near my own family photos even knives! Mum has her blinkers on. Its getting uncomfortable/ retriggerring going there. What do you recommend? Mum enjoys cooking her italian dishes in her kichen and loves having us over.
        Really hope to get a responce. Thank you xo

        Reply

          1. Hi Mal

            … I hope this is clearer. Narcs (my sister and brother in law) plot a lot of threats at mums house, as they know I visit mum and dads house. I am now finding it uncomfortable to visit there. What do you recommend? My mum and dad live in same town as Narcs 45 mins away from us.

            Threats/flying monkey messages have been going on for a year and a half+ !! Narcs use my loving family – mum, dad and my brother as flying monkeys.

            Questions

            Feeling uncomfortable visiting mum and dads at their house due to plots/threats. What do you suggest?

            When narcs are in family how do I set boundaries?
            I dont want to lose loving family members. Tired of hearing convert harassing messages coming through.

            Just want narcs to finally move on and leave me alone!

            They have financially abused me, caused major property damage to my rental property and are continuing to mentally abuse me. Looking forward to your responce. Thank you XO

          2. Hi Angela,

            Yes this is clearer thank you.

            I have created quite a few resources that I believe may be helpful to you. If you Google my name plus family members as well as ‘boundaries when you cant go no contact’ they will appear for you.

            They go into a great deal of information that I hope can assist you.

            Much love to you

            Mel 🙏💕💚

          3. Hi Mal

            Last email I promise.

            I just want to get this right as it has been going on for some time. As you mentioned in your email ‘get away from the poison’. As I mentioned in my previous email narcs plot threats at my mums house eg burnt out candles near our own family photos etc.

            Question Is it best I have mum visit me?
            OR Should I show up fearless removing all trauma and ignore all threats when visiting mums house?

            Question
            Do I tell my parents what has been going on -they are narcs/threats etc?

            Hoping you can answer these two questions darl XO

          4. Hi Angela,

            my go-to would always be to remove all the trauma and show up fearlessly. If that doesn’t work for you then absolutely remove yourself from the situation.

            I hope that this can help.

            Mel 🙏💕💚

  10. Have been there….. lived it. Only regret that I didn’t know that which I know now long ago. Detaching, feeling guilty at first and in time realizing the truth of what was happening.
    Feeling alive and normal from within without feeling that I am responsible for his crazy behavior, nor do I have to try to fix it!
    Thank you Melanie …. you are an angel in disguise!!

    Reply

    1. Hi Jean,

      you certainly don’t have to fix it. The true responsibility that we have is for our own soul.

      You are very welcome Jean and I’m so pleased that I can help.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

  11. I was the light. I was a beautiful bird with the most beautifully colored wings soaring through life. Loving, caring, successful, happy, etc. I am a shell of a person I cannot recognize and I am trapped. I make a plan to escape and my engine blows in my truck that I still had payments on then I find a car and pay the person and got scammed now ii
    It has become impossible to save money because she ‘narc’ tricks me somehow financially so I end up with no money. I met with my apartment Mr and she told me I cannot transfer to another unit. I am tied to this space no matter what. I am on the list at 5 section 8 housing with over 80 people in front of me. I escaped her before by trying to kill myself and that didn’t work. I guess I have to live this way forever? I hope I don’t lose the flickering light dimming inside me.

    Reply

  12. I was the light. I was a beautiful bird with the most beautifully colored wings soaring through life. Loving, caring, successful, happy, etc. I am a shell of a person I cannot recognize and I am trapped. I make a plan to escape and my engine blows in my truck that I still had payments on then I find a car and pay the person and got scammed now ii
    It has become impossible to save money because she ‘narc’ tricks me somehow financially so I end up with no money. I met with my apartment Mr and she told me I cannot transfer to another unit. I am tied to this space no matter what. I am on the list at 5 section 8 housing with over 80 people in front of me. I escaped her before by trying to kill myself and that didn’t work. I guess I have to live this way forever? I hope I don’t lose the flickering light dimming inside me. I don’t want to die

    Reply

    1. Hi Jennifer,

      that’s so beautiful that you felt this.

      Jennifer, I really want you to know that there is a way out, no matter how bad things seem.

      Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free webinar to experience a Quanta Freedom Healing, which shows you how to anchor light and start to generate “a way” to get through and out of this.

      I hope that this can help you

      sending you love and strength

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

  13. I decided to tell him I wasnt going to stand for a weight standard with him. This isnt a loving relationship for me. “when I met you 15 years ago you were 140.” Ive been a muscled athletic 165lbs for years. Im 54 and Ive had enough. Theres been no sex for more than a year. He snores and expects me to deal with it. No sleeping together for more than a year. Im so happy in my own bed space! I admit not feeling safe to his wondering eye all these years and I failed to listen to my inner soul. Im so done not being heard and engaged with in conversations. I so crave to relate to other men. Jealousy abounds with this man with just about everyone I associate with, for years. My friends have been scared away.

    Reply

  14. During my time in the midst of being stuck in the narcissist’s trap, I was isolated from everyone and any activity that ever gave me joy, as well as not being able to work and make money aside from working for his business, making only enough to pay for the things I needed and he wouldn’t buy me, like feminine hygiene products, vitamins, toiletries and my own phone service. (He only allowed me to have a phone so he could call me and micromanage me whenever he left the house. Complete aloneness. I am out of that pit – 3 years now. ( Have a child together, so I still have to deal with him, but I’m not his complete prisoner anymore. I have my family back, some of my old friends and a few new ones. But, in being a victim of narcissistic abuse and the many things that come with that, I have still felt isolated. Felt that there was no one who could understand what that is, as if I was the only person who lived through anything like it. I have tried explaining that part of my life to wonderful supportive kind of people I have in my life, but you can tell they just don’t get it. I didn’t even know it was narcissistic abuse and it was common. It’s only been months since I accidentally stumbled upon all this information, understanding and validation. I’m very new to recovery and still just testing the waters, but I have this immense relief and gratitude that I am not alone in this; no longer isolated and left to figure out all this trauma and wounds by myself. No more total aloneness in my life.

    Reply

    1. Hi Julie,

      I’m so pleased that you realise that you are not alone and that this has happened to so many people.

      Please feel the love and support from this community, which truly is filled with incredible and very beautiful people!

      Many blessings and love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

      1. I am in the process of divorce after 28 years married to a Narc. His sense of entitlement and his nastiness have left me feeling used and abused. I wasted the best years of my life with him. Struggling to rise up and your articles are a source of hope of a better peaceful life. Thank you for your guidance – I’ve followed you for quite a while and it is helpful to know I’m not alone. Not many people understand all the nuances of narcissism- you nailed it…

        Reply

  15. I am so thankful for this. I have been battling with this incessant need to defend myself with him and everyone he’s trash talking me to. This video made me realize that the solution is easy and straight forward – I have to detach. 🙌 that is exactly what I need to do. I have been holding on for soooooo long it’s exhausting. Even to this day, when I’m sure I don’t want to be with him and continue a life like this I still feel that twinge that I couldn’t describe. I thought it was love but it’s actually an “attachment”. I don’t love him and I’m not quite sure I have in the past 13 out of the 15 years we have been together. Looking back the red flags were all over the place but I was young and naive, also came from a very conservative family where “the first guy you date is the first guy you marry” and “ divorce? Why? All relationships are hard” they are all the same” I look at the women in my family I see a generation of hurt women. This video has been empowering. It makes my decision valid. I don’t feel guilty.
    “You have to let go and pull away. There is no other way.”

    Reply

    1. Hi Aileen,

      It’s great that you are realising that this is an unhealthy attachment to detach from.

      I’m so pleased that this is empowered you and brought you such clarity.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

  16. Hello.. I noticed that the majority is ladies leaving comments. I believe I’m the only male but I seriously need help. please know that this is coming from the bottom of my heart, my soul, and every cell in me. I can’t take this anymore. I have been back and forth with my psychiatrist and therapist and even though they have been helpful but I feel they can’t really help me or understand what I’m going through. Put it this way, my last session I have brought up about narcissism and at the end, he told me that my situation is very complex and did not know what to say. He was just trying to prescribed me medication.

    I have been with this woman almost 6 years. I thought she loved me because the way the relationship was and the way she treated me and I really love her because I could not see myself with nobody else. I could not see myself touching someone else’s skin. She always express and felt this way too. So I thought…. This woman however is 54 years old. I met her when she was 48. She has been around my son since he was 8. Over the years she has broken up with me 5 times. Always came back said she was sorry and she realized how she really messed up. The reasons why she would break up each time is because we get into a really nasty arguments but that is due to her not admitting nothing. It is due from her not owning up to her degrading comments towards me. I also notice each break up, weeks or months prior she starts to make degrading ugly comments. The last break up when she came back, she told me she cannot be without me and she knows what she wants. But from this breakup I kept on telling her, “if you are constantly making these comments making me sound that im not good enough because where im at in my life, why did you come back? if im that bad of a person, why did you come back?” all her response was, “Because I love you.” but that’s it…thats all she said…

    Since July….. I have endured an injury that kept me away from being active. I couldn’t even power walk…I had to take care of my mom at that time because she fractured her foot and at the same time we were waiting for test results about her ear to see if she had cancer and thank God she didn’t. However, she has to have brain surgery to remove some tumors by her ear. Through all this I’am trying to focus in Grad school, this is my final year. When November came around, I started feel sick in my stomach, it wasn’t normal how I was feeling so I was going back and forth with seeing the Dr. and taking tests. first week of December…..My grandpa on my dad side had a few strokes then was put on hospice.. then my great grandpa passed away the same day my mom had brain surgery, then she had to have a second surgery because she was leaking brain fluid, she recovered thank God. That week I had finish my final work for the semester….so through all this…. my gf.. was there but not there. She kept giving me a hard time about going somewhere, going to Vegas, but I kept telling her this is not the time to being thinking about all that. Im in no shape to do so right now. Mind you, through all this, im still not feeling well myself. I was hardly eating , I had no appetite…. I was losing weight, I wasn’t myself. Then as time went on, things started to calm down and she was treating me better….kind of. Then Kobe Bryant dies…. that hit me hard too..Everyone that knows me, knows that iam huge loyal fan of his…I love him very much. That hurt me…. then… weeks later… my grandpa on my mom side (who im very very close to) was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer. They told him he has 6 months to live. When we all heard the news, it affected me a lot…it killed me…. my grandpa did not want to die… he didn’t even get to enjoy retirement because he was always sick. Then a week after the news… my gf broke up with me again. (which is the 5th time) she could not admit anything she did all weekend, how she was talking to me. I endured so much from her and then I couldn’t take it anymore and I started to call her names, cussing at her. But stuff she was telling me all weekend, was like why is she even talking to me like that??? Then a week after…..my grandpa that was told 6 months to live, he died. When he died a part of me died…..it broke my heart…it destroyed me… and my ex didn’t even bother calling me, my mom, or my nana. My whole family accepted my ex to the family, even my nana. It hurt me so much that she didn’t even bother to contact or say her condolences … how can a person be so cruel?? at 54 acting like this??

    Please help me…

    Reply

    1. Mario. Like so many of us here it sounds like you have so much to offer. Find someone that will appreciate that in you. This woman recognises your strengths but is not strong enough within herself to return that love. Instead she needs to fill herself up by using your love. She is deeply broken but your instinct to fix her is only draining you further. You cannot save people you can only love them…. but sometimes love isnt enough.

      Be strong. Everyone here please be strong. You are not victims you are good and loving people. Its okay to accept love in return. To have a relationship that is 50/50 not 70/30 or even 100/0 is what you deserve. Equal partners. Dont look for broken wings. Find someone with light that matches your own.

      Good luck and do not give up. A lot of people clearly need you. Ignore the darkness.

      Reply

    2. I understand how you feel. It is difficult to navigate through jumbled up feelings. it is complex. it is. You have the answer and you wrote it. She admits to nothing she has done to you. Which does mean she is at the core of her being, a liar, but more important, a liar who cherishes lies. This is why the cruelty shown to you is what she cherishes. Make no mistake. She likes being cruel. The softer you are, to someone like that is about the sweetest tasting piece of fruit. If you go down the road with them, it is a constant circle. You can never understand the why no matter how hard you try. They enjoy cruelty. wanting and even seeing their good but denying the reality of who they are is our mistake. Believe in God alone. Believe and pray for God to lead you. Even with that, it hurts to love someone who doesnt love you equally. Take good care.

      Reply

    3. Hi Mario
      I am in a 33 year relationship (31 years married) I have been emotionally abused for most of my marriage without realising until I started researching “my faults” on the internet during the last 2 years of separation and discovered information on narcissism
      The one thing I will say to fellow sufferers is ” make a clean break and get out…now! ”
      Go full no contact, I tried to be reasonable and respectful because we share 2 adult children but she wants to hurt me both emotionally and financially and at 62 I find myself vulnerable bringing on a heart problem requiring a triple heart by pass post the vivid 19 pandemic
      I believe the constant abuse over several years which was unrecognised has caused me so much stress and angst that it has made me ill
      Dont waste any more emotional energy being their supply

      Reply

    4. Hi Mario,

      first of all, I do want you to know that there are many men that are in this community, and who are also deeply healing with my NARP program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      It is just that men often keep things to themselves rather than sharing. It’s fantastic that you have come forward and reached out and asked for help.

      Mario, I am so sorry that you are going through such a stressful and traumatic time and that you feel so unsupported, which of course is incredibly abusive and unsafe for you to be experiencing.

      My highest suggestion for you is to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free webinar so that you can understand exactly what is going on at the deepest level is and how you can heal from this, for real, and recover yourself.

      That truly is the way that I can help you the most.

      Sending you strength and healing

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

    5. Hi Mario
      Broke my heart reading your post.
      So much pain and heart break and lack of loving support.
      Please, please take Melanies advice and sign up the the NARP program.
      It will seriously, seriously give you some emotional relief and support.
      And almost immediately. Once you sign up and its really not that expensive you can then join the forum and you will receive support there too.
      My year for that was in 2017. My estranged father died, I kicked out the Narc husband, I lost my job, I had a very close friend hover around death for 2 months, my Narc daughter pulled a number and refused me access to her and my granddaughter. I was drowning in grief and loss and became very sick. The ONLY thing, the only thing that gave me any kind of relief was Mel’s program. I urge you to go to the modules and use the program. Once you do and clear some of the enormous painful feelings you have you can then start to make the right decisions that you need to make. I sincerely hope things get better for you and so glad you reached out on here. There are many people here reading and sending you love and light to help you get though, I know you probably cant feel that right now, but its there nonetheless. Wishing you all the very best

      Reply

    6. Hi Mario, i had to steal $10 of my own money out of the Glove box to have a one off breakfast with a mate, as the ex Nark had separated me from my friends, when she suddenly appeared out of no where screaming abuse, we were sitting at a table on the main St and my mate took off ( the chicken) and left me there alone, i followed her accross the road to the pharmacy, and while there i thought I’d take a free blood pressure test as i wasn’t feeling very well, after two times, they said I’d better get to the hospital straight away, she at least dropped me off there and then took off, my advice is to run away as quickly as you can, do the NARP course, and thrive, you will get through this so don’t give up, real love does exist so don’t compromise, you will make it, until i got on this site i thought all Narsasists were woman ha, so there you go, Blessings Col.

      Reply

  17. Hi Marie and Deborah I know exactly how you feel only in my case it is my mother. I had gone no contact for nearly a year but became very poorly with end stage renal disease and CLL. I had been living in another city for 16 years but with this disease had a strong urge to return home to my roots. A friend advised my mother had the right to know so I phoned her hoping we could heal our relationship. She began to text me every day to ask about my health then her tricks started she was supposed to visit me at Christmas but dropped out at the last minute since I returned home I had to go into intensive care she visited me once reeking of perfume and hairspray which she knows I am allergic to she was cold and left in a huff. The other day she rang me started criticising and bossing me around I decided to stand up for myself and she lost it told lies then banged the phone down on me. I believe she has said I am abusing her!!! It is usually always me who makes amends but I have decided not to that is it for good but like you I feel the loss and a deep sadness. I am now sat at home be cause of the virus fortunately I have some good support workers but I know now this is the end for my own sake I am knuckling down to my NARP programme and hope to break free for good because my relationship with her is killing me. I wish you love and peace of mind x

    Reply

  18. Also I realise the urge to return home was nothing to do with family but to come home to me do the inner work.

    Reply

  19. you really helped me at such a difficult time….you are fantastic and i know you be able to he;p me heal from this behavior I’ve been subjected to for so long.

    thank you

    Reply

  20. Extremely empowering and motivating to now complete my inner work. I want to become the light. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Melanie. You have changed my life beyond all my dreams. I wish you every success and happiness in life. Love Amanda x

    Reply

  21. I exited my family of origin, because, unfortunately, it was the only solution to the beginning of escaping my scapegoat identity. My only regret is not doing it sooner and not waking up earlier in life to what was going on., too much wasted time and too much irreversible damage to my physical body. You are right about the fear of c.r.a.p. It is such an incredible handicap to simply being.

    Reply

    1. Hi Michael,

      that is great that you have walked away.

      I really want to introduce you to the incredible shifts that can happen in our emotional and even physical health, Even after extreme breakdown, with the use of Quantum Tools.

      Please Michael come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free webinar to experience a Quanta Freedom Healing to see what may be possible for you.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

  22. I am in this right now. My wife has projected everything onto me. She has taken my son away she has lied to friends, family, the school, police, social services, lawyers and now the courts. She is a covert narcissist and she is punishing me because I found out what was going on and who she really is. The narcissistic wound she has because I filed for divorce only compounded upon deep trauma and self loathing inside her. I tried to reach out. I tried to get her to see the light. I made that mistake already. But I have to go grey rock whilst fighting everyday for my son who I brought up. With the coronavirus I am isolated along with everyone else. How do I find my light? I am alone and it’s dark everywhere around me. Some tips would be great. I exercise, read and meditate. But I am also working sill in a pressured job and I am stressed by the heaps of vexatious litigation and evidence collation too. It’s like I can only muster a flickering light but I need to beem I have family court in 3 weeks and I am scared I will not shine enough.

    Reply

    1. Will,

      I filed for divorce too and he reacted as if I had done the worst thing imaginable. Unfortunately, I am in quarantine with him which is extremely difficult. I am working too and homeschooling my son. Apart from that I found going for walks, listening to music, reading has helped keep my mind somewhat in a good place. It’s not easy though so hang in there.

      Reply

  23. I felt a strong, clear vibrant power shoot up within my whole being as was repeating the affirmations above.

    Reply

  24. Hi Melanie,
    thank you again for this wonderful piece of wisdom and healing. I just want to ask what if I am financially dependnt on someone. I mean i have persistent feelings of guilt that since they are providing me with money, I am obliged to obey to them even if it feels hurtful to me. and i cannot have pleasure for myself or indulge in the hobbies i like.

    even though, i am not completely dependent, i do earn my own money doing the work i love but since my work doesn’t offer financial stability as for now, i feel these persistent pangs of guilt, shame & obligation upon interacting with them. And they are no one else but my parents.

    i have been doing narp modules and have released a lot of blocks related to my relationship with ex-narc. i feel significantly fuller, happier and calmer. and now I am working on healing my childhood wounds. and it appears quite tougher than the work i did for healing from my ex-narc. My parents are not narcissistic but yes i can see a lot of unconsciousness in them which they project onto me unintentionally. sometimes it also makes me doubt the lots of inner work that i already did.

    Can you offer some suggestions how would you proceed through this dilemma?

    Love and thankfulness!

    Reply

    1. Hi Nita,

      It is my pleasure.

      Please know that it is incredibly common to have a dependency with a narcissist. That is one of the most powerful ways that they do hook us.

      The recovery work truly is about becoming emotionally and practically independent so that you are not handing your power away, and can detach and generate your life for yourself.

      I would highly recommend targeting those particular dependency feelings in your body with either Module one or the Source Healing and Resolution module, and then power and possibility will enter.

      It’s great that you’ve come so far, and this is the next essential part for you.

      I hope that this helps.

      Thank you for your blessing of love and sending much love and strength and breakthrough to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

  25. How this feels in my body is that I feel angry and pissed off. I am Co-Parenting with a narcissist for my young daughter I am being taken advantage of and not appreciated or respected as a father while I wait for the courts to re-open. Also, very recently my own father passed away and I have mixed thoughts about him as he hurt me financially and emotionally. I am resent the abuse that I have endured.

    Reply

  27. It made me cry and feel calm also. I was recently triggered by a Narc event. Because of the Corona virus situation I cannot get home. He is taking full advantage of this and saying and doing things to try and upset or provoke me. This time when I was triggered I went inside myself and dealt with the fear and pain. I am fine now. I know I am the light.

    Reply

  28. Hi Melanie
    I’ve been there as have so so many, they are around us all the time and through your help and guidance, gratefully accepted, I have got myself away from the torment. I am now in control of my situation. The question I would like answered is, and I don’t know how to convey this but how do the people you’re trying to convince that their life isn’t how they see it and from what we have suffered we are trying to get them to see that this isn’t true love, it’s false!
    They are false, liars and deceivers! Do you eventually wake up and see that beautiful light or do you just put up with the life you’ve been given and accept it as your destiny! Much love to you and all the people you have helped along this path of destruction xxx

    Reply

  29. Hi Melanie, WOW! That was amazing! I’d have to say it made me feel warm and empowered and deep joy to think of and connect to my deep inner light which the narcs in my life have tried to extinguish. It was the first time I had this particular experience when repeating the “I AM the LIGHT” mantra.
    Your words and essence are so powerful; as you spoke I felt a deep vibration of love and care. These kind of moments make me feel hopeful towards my future.
    Love and Light,
    Kathryn

    Reply

  30. I feel a bit more peaceful than I did after waking up this morning. I find the affirmation at the end is always helpful.

    Reply

  31. Melanie, I have suspected for a long time, but now I know for sure you are a guide of the highest order here on earth to help. This Thriver episode, this one, comes this week when I spent about 8 hours in contact with the N doing exactly what you describe! We are in mediation, and isolated at home on our property with two kids home schooling. You described my actions and intentions exactly. I have been healing with NARP for over a year, and get discouraged sometimes. This week, I felt like I hadn’t healed at all, but today, the gift of your episode just reminds me of the pattern that results in the same thing. It is like choosing to put a record on (for those of us who remember those) that makes you feel terrible, but doing it anyway. Or, like you said, putting your hand on the hot element (I used that analogy with a supportive friend as well yesterday). Melanie, you have such a gift for intuiting what we are going through, and I don’t know how it happens to be so relevant all the time. You are saving my soul and I am ever, ever grateful for that. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Reply

    1. Hi Linda,

      thank you for your beautiful words.

      Dear Lady I am so pleased that I can help, and please no that you are on your way up and out of this… Truly.

      Keep shifting and bringing in the light and follow your inner guidance and truth. It is always working for you hun.

      Sending you love and strength

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

  32. Hello there everyone & thank you so much Melanie for all your efforts to help us!

    I am writing for the first time; I’m 38 years old, the elder daughter to my highly toxic parents. Please excuse me if this post turns out to be longer than usual but I am really struggling and few days ago I went out at 2 am for a drive just to sit and cry for 2 hours straight! In this day and age, it may sound unbelievable that I am single, never been in a relationship and stuck in my parents house due to certain circumstances. Up until 4 years ago I had a flourishing job. Then my bank shut down, I was laid off, same time recession was on and also my spiritual awakening. I had always put my Mother up on a pedestal like she was a Goddess. My Father had always been abusive and unavailable. He always hated me because my moral values never matched his. But it was in the last 4 years that I began seeing the UGLY and HYPOCRITICAL side of my Mom; something that TORE ME completely and RIPPED MY SOUL. Even as a child I was always there for her, I fought for her BUT WHEN IT CAME TO ME, MY MOM ONLY MADE LIFE HELL FOR ME. The FIRST time I MENTIONED that there’s a guy I like who wants to marry me (while I was 24 and completed my MBA) she BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN and INSULTED ME saying the WORST of things AS IF I RAN AWAY WITH A TERRORIST AND GOT MARRIED! WHEN ALL I DID WAS JUST MENTION that there’s a guy SHE CAN MEET AND IF SHE STILL DIDN’T LIKE I’d let it go. I was at work and my colleagues decided to go for a movie. I called up my Dad to ASK if I could go and HE BEGAN SCREAMING AT A 25 YEAR OLD. IN THE LAST 5 YEARS MY SISTER WHO IS YOUNGER TO ME BY 6 YEARS, IS NEVER AT HOME, IS AN ESCORT TO HIGH PROFILE MEN, TRAVELS AND LIVES IN 5 STAR HOTELS, SHE EVEN DOES BLACK MAGIC RITUALS DUE TO HER EXTREME JEALOUSY TOWARDS ME SO I REMAIN STUCK IN LIFE AND NEVER PROGRESS. I WAS PETRIFIED WHEN MY UNDER GARMENTS BEGAN VANISHING AND ONE DAY I SAW MY SISTER DOING A DISGUSTING RITUAL WITH PERIOD BLOOD. I WAS TREMBLING AND PUKED AT HOW DISGUSTING SHE HAS BECOME! The SAME mother & the SAME father who put a 100 restrictions on me today ACT LIKE SERVANTS TO MY SISTER & EVEN IN THIS LOCKDOWN WHEN EVERYONE’S HOME, SHE COMES AND GOES AS AND WHEN SHE WANTS. I tried telling my Mom but despite knowing EVERYTHING, SHE SUPPORTS MY SISTER. My apologies, I don’t wish to rant or bore anyone but EACH TIME someone tried helping me get a job, SOMETHING WOULD JUST FIZZLE OUT LAST moment. And I was forced to be home! I guide people spiritually; that’s how I earn money despite being out of job from 4 years and ZERO support from my parents. Some days it took me 8 hours to upload a you tube video due to a sucked up internet connection. My MOM & DAD KNEW my back hurts and that I sit all night some days completing my work. But yesterday my sister CASUALLY MENTIONED that YOUR INTERNET IS SO SLOW AND BANG ON! IT WAS UPGRADED THE SAME DAY! I cannot tell you HOW DISGUSTING I FEEL. I HAVE STOPPED EATING FOOD. I KEEP ALL MY STUFF UNDER LOCK AND KEY AT ALL TIMES SO MY SISTER CAN’T DO BLACK MAGIC RITUALS ON MY STUFF. I bring my own veggies or order food from out. I AM ONLY EXISTING IN THE HOUSE. I DO NOT INSULT MY PARENTS BUT I HAVE MADE IT CLEAR TO THEM HOW HYPOCRITICAL THEY ARE AND THAT THEIR ACTIONS HAVE HURT ME BEYOND WORDS. BUT MY MOM ACTS LIKE SHE DIDN’T HEAR ANYTHING. I HAVE CUT OFF TOTALLY FROM MY PARENTS. EARLIER IT WAS ALWAYS ME TAKING MY MOM OUT, DRIVING HER, HELPING HER SHOP, NEVER ONCE DID SHE EVEN BOTHER TELLING MY SISTER. My point is, I don’t have to deliver a child to BE A GOOD MOTHER. IRONY? MY MOM IS A SO CALLED VICE PRINCIPAL in a school! WHAT A PITY when I see a woman who puts on SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FACADE! BUT HAS RUINED HER OWN HOME! SHE HAS NEVER MADE 1 EFFORT TO MAKE PEACE BETWEEN MY DAD AND ME. OR SCHOOL MY SIS FOR HER RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOR. ON THE CONTRARY SHE “ACTS” like she’s the one wh has SUFFERED in life. SHE IS SO JEALOUS OF ME! SHE’S CONSTANTLY COMPARING HERSELF TO ME. I NEVER IMAGINED IN MY DREAMS I’D GET TO SEE SUCH A POISONOUS AND UGLY SIDE OF MY MOM. MY DAD HURT ME INDEED BUT SEEING MY MOM’S TRUE COLORS HAS BEGUN IMPACTING MY PEACE. I DID A LOT THESE 4 YEARS TO STAY STRONG. BUT I JUST PRAY THIS COVID SITUATION ENDS SO I CAN MOVE OUT AT THE EARLIEST. The MOST INSULTING feeling is when MY PARENTS ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL & THAT THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY I AM HURT! LOL. I could use my ADULT card & INSULT my parents as my sister did to GET WHAT I WANTED. But I HATE DRAMA. TODAY I AM 38. SINGLE. UNMARRIED. NEVER BEEN INVOLVED WITH ANYONE THANKS TO MY PARENTS CONTROLS & NARC TENDENCIES. I AM DETERMINED TO CUT OFF FOR GOOD. ALL I NEED IS MONEY. ONCE I HAVE A STABLE JOB EVEN IF PART TIME, IT WILL HELP ME FLEE. FOR GOOD. Please let me know if I am over-reacting or if I have endured the crap far too long. Sending you all love. MOLLY

    Reply

    1. Hi Molly,

      you are very welcome.

      I want to send you love and healing for everything that you’ve been through.

      Absolutely you have a right Molly to live without pain and feeling so invalidated.

      Molly, I would love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about how you can powerfully heal and take your life and soul back.

      Thank you for posting and reaching out, that’s a very powerful step in the right direction toward your recovery and please know you are not alone. This community understands exactly how you feel and I hope that you can feel supported here.

      So much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

  33. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for sharing & caring.

    Please some day write a post about Collective/group narcissism. I never would have believed it was possible until it happened to me… it’s real. Yes, here again you should run and heal from inside. Nothing else to do, but the memory is still there… seems so powerful, so please help…

    Reply

    1. Hi Moni,

      It is my pleasure.

      I would love to address this topic, absolutely, and thank you for your suggestion.

      Moni, I really want you to know that regardless of who the narcissist was or where the abuse came from (singularly or collectively) the healing is in fact incredibly identical. It entails reaching, loading up and releasing and reprogramming the trauma that we have taken on inside of ourselves.

      My NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp attends to this, including collective trauma. In fact for all of us, as a part of the human experience, we have taken on and been “de-programmed” away from our True Selves as a result of collective trauma.

      NARP addresses that powerfully.

      To experience a Quanta Freedom Healing that can start shifting this collective trauma out of your Inner identity, I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free webinar

      This will help you immensely Dear Lady.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      Reply

  34. I’ve been in extreme pain for 3 years after my girlfriend left me after a 7 year relationship.She refuses to give real closure and says things like have a happy life and find a wonderful lady !,that kills me . This happened at the same time I lost 85percent of my net worth with the IRS I was once very wealthy .I felt a lot of red flags in our relationship especially over the latter part of being together,but I continuely ignored them as she started constantly criticizing me . I want her back so bad but I know in my head it’s very wrong but I can’t let it go and I groveled over her for 2 and half years I’ve finally mainly stopped that but I can’t get her out of my system even trying to date other women.I need help

    Reply

  35. Thank you for the article! It’s hard to find a common language with such people and direct them to the best thoughts and actions. There have been many such people in my life and it has always been painful for me. The bad things they said and did always hurt me, but no matter how hard I tried, they did not change. I realized in time that it is not worthwhile to continue relationships and communication with such people because I won’t be better off from this. Thank you for sharing such important information, have a nice day!

    Reply

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