Melanie Tonia Evans

Pathological Jealousy And Narcissism – Why You Can Never Earn Their Trust

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

If you have ever experienced the pathological jealousy of a narcissist, you know it goes a long way beyond being merely insecure.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I explain to you the difference between the narcissist’s levels of pathological jealousy and what we would term as “normal” levels of jealousy, and what the steps are to recognising it.

We also go through how narcissists play out pathological envy … and I’m going to explain to you how I released myself and healed from the pattern of jealous and controlling partners.

And, apart from recognizing what is or isn’t okay behavior, healing ourselves (if we are stuck in this pattern) is vitally important. Because, if you are suffering from diminished boundaries and not knowing your worth and rights, jealousy can take on unthinkable levels – such as him or her having all sorts of license and restriction on your life, choices and movements …

Things like not allowing you to go out with friends, pursue your own interests, career or hobbies or spend time doing the things you would like to do.

Maybe the narcissist’s paranoia is so great that the narcissist has made you grant them access to passwords to your electronic devices and has insisted you have a tracking app on your phone.

Why can’t the narcissist be reassured that you are not going to cheat on him or her? And … why is jealousy at this level very dangerous for our health and maybe even our life?

If you have been suffering the terrible anxiety or not being trusted by a narcissist and having your every move scrutinised and interrogated, this Thriver TV episode is a very important one for you to watch.

Once I targeted and healed the traumas responsible for my lack of boundaries and limiting beliefs about controlling partners, I experienced incredible freedom.

It is my greatest wish that this video teaches them how to claim your personal freedom and rights, get your life back and know that healthy, supportive and trusting partners are available to you.

I look forward to reading your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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30 Thoughts on Pathological Jealousy And Narcissism – Why You Can Never Earn Their Trust
  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    November 12, 2017

    My ex narc isolated me from friends and family. I stayed up late one night playing Risk with my brothers and nephews and when I got home I had hell to pay. She had all my passwords yet she never trusted me.

    I could not trust her either. I never knew what she would hit me with next. What I hated the most were her interrogations where she would accuse me of bizarre stuff like planning to sell our son into slavery to a Mexican drug lord. She never believed my denials, she just knew I was lying.

    Towards the last couple of years of our miserable marriage, I refused to participate in the interrogations. I’d just tell her “I don’t know” about EVERYTHING. If I said yes or if I said no, I was lying, but saying “I don’t know” really frustrated her as she couldn’t have anything to pin me on.

    The last time she wanted to interrogate me, I told her that I will participate IF whatever I said was not already wrong and a lie. She agreed. She then told me how my oldest daughter was planning to kill me in her last ditch effort to triangulate between us. I asked her how did she know that? She said she “I feel it and just knows it”.

    She really believed her own paranoid delusions and there was no reasoning with it. She was quite believable though her words were crazy.

    Glad I’m out of there and no contact for years.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2017

      Hi Stephen,

      wow she really wasn’t well.

      Thank goodness you are out and No Contact.

      Mel xo

  • gudrun@shootoutcrew.co.za'
    Gudrun
    November 12, 2017

    Thank you for this, Mel. As much as the Narc isolated me from friends and family, the penny has just “dropped” that he was pathologically envious more than pathologically jealous. I am so grateful for your amazing work! Healing from the inside out. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2017

      Hi Gudrun,

      you are so welcome and I am so pleased you are.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • achmat0728@gmail.com'
    Tony
    November 12, 2017

    Melanie
    Congratulations!
    Your video is brilliantly accurate and a true account of what I’ve experienced over my 26 years with my narcissist. I’m stuck with her, even though we are divorced. I have a child, who is my little miracle and she has been through so much, but she loves her mom and I cannot deny her that.

    I’m caught between and betwix and it has destroked me economically and materially, but I’m on the road to recovery, however, she always seem to find a way to halt my progress. I have to admit that I allow her that freedom to duck me back in time after time. I’m outside yet again and I hope to make it sick this time.

    It is my faith and my unwavering believe in the goodness in man, that sustained me.

    I’ll keep listening and use your resources to assist me to cope and learn new ways to respond.

    Thank you for the work you do.

    Lots of love!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2017

      Hi Tony,

      I am so pleased my resources are helping and that you are getting there 🙂 Tony I really would suggest trying my free webinar experience to go a little deeper to really unhook what is sometimes keeping you snagged in.

      It really does take things to another level fo freedom and strength.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse (you can access the free webinar through this portal).

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • annself63@icloud.com'
    Anne
    November 12, 2017

    Hi, Thank you Melaine! How so very insightful you are on so many levels of narcissistic behavior. Its AMAZING to me, that I no longer have to live w/thee anxiety of a jealous and envious man. When you mentioned how serious and violent this jealousy and envy can be….I can agree! Most of what you spoken of fit him in the pathological sense. I must add thou, through my upcoming I was so codependent on him. My ex had convicted himself I was cheating on him that he installed 6 cameras inside and 2 outside of MY home for 6mths. without my knowledge. Told his family and co workers I was cheating on him. All of which was not true. The more I distanced myself from him, the more thee insanity in my household became. It’s been a year since I had him leave, however I have not begun the QHF yet. Just recently subscribed. God bless us all!! Anne

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2017

      Hi Anne,

      Thank you for your lovely compliment.

      I am so pleased that you are out, and have stayed out for a year, and are about to start NARP to heal!

      Thank you for your blessings to all Dear Lady, it is your time to Thrive 🙂 Many blessings to you too.

      Mel xo

  • annakulpa@hotmail.com'
    Anna
    November 12, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    This is a tricky one for me. With my ex, I felt like the jealous & controling one. He was very close with his ex & was always busy with other projects & people. I wasn’t jealous of his 3 week motorbike trip, but annoyed at not having any time or satisfying plans together. I was jealous of others as he seemed to be chatty & lively around them, but withdrawn & grumpy with me. I know I’m probably a bit on the codependent scale & kind of owned my jealousy, but couldn’t get through it. What I should’ve done was to finish the relationship early on, when he went off to stay with his ex at Christmas!
    What I’m left with is still feeling a bit obsessed with the things he & his ex ‘did to hurt me’… and a kind of shame for feeling jealous of her all the time, & I did check his phone & read his diary once I’m ashamed to say. I know it’s my own insecurity & I need to just keep on healing.
    My boundaries have got much better since reading your posts & trying the healing programme – at least I’m not in that unhappy relationship any more & never did anything stupid like going and confronting his ex.
    Like I say, tricky one for me…there was kind of a reason to be jealous as he did not treat me right – while not actually having an affair, his boundaries with his ex, & treatment of me were not kind, not good enough. But I know my jealousy got out of hand too… and it’s happened in previous relationships, where they suddenly became besotted with their ex, while neglecting me, leaving me like a foot stomping, screaming 6 year old!… NOT empowering, enjoyable or cool!!!
    Still struggling a bit, but thanks again as the insights you bring with these videos give me hope of a way through
    Love from Anna x

    • Ditadelempicka@googlemail.com'
      Dita
      November 14, 2017

      I kinda get that. I was the one who was accused of being the jealous one. I was well and truly love bombed then little traces of infidelity started seeping out. Gaslighted for speaking out at first, anxious not to be the ‘ nag’ or jealous one. Eventually nearly drove me insane as I knew in my gut things weren’t as they should be and he was lying. Sadly I had to resort to underhand tactics to confront the lies as otherwise I didn’t have proof. Even when confronted with evidence there was still denial.
      My friend put me on to you, thank you for sharing and helping me leave and take myself back.
      The song on a loop through my head when I waver is ‘ Wilson Phillips’ break free. My anthem!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 14, 2017

        Hi Dita,

        you are so welcome and I am so pleased for you that you are out.

        Wishing you wonderful freedom and healing.

        Mel xo

    • rebecca1975@alphafrau.de'
      Rebecca
      November 16, 2017

      Personally I have also more experiences with narcs who were very indifferent in the relationship, not so much jealous. But there are probably different types of narcs.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 16, 2017

        Hi Rebecca,

        that is so true. N’s deliver our greatest wounds to us. If we feel that we have often felt invisible that is the tactic the N uses against us. For those of us who felt controlled and engulfed, the jealous N’s appear!

        Mel xo

  • Penny.white@outlook.com'
    Penny
    November 12, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    Thank you for sharing yet again another piece of how jealousy and envy with narcissists play out. I have the NARP and am still healing initial trauma and am finding a lot of childhood early wounds and when it comes to envy and jealousy as this did play out a lot with many of the narcissists that have controlled me in my life be it family members, friends, teachers and co-workers (I have lined up quite a collection) I am unsure of how this trauma may have come about. I myself due to not have a solid sense of self develop used a total outside focus on my appearance, beauty, smarts, work ethic and how good I was in term of treating others so well and respecting myself (I thought) and appearing confident and strong to gain approval and acceptance.
    What are the wounds or limited beliefs that are stock standard in relation to envy and jealousy?

    Thanks
    Penny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2017

      Hi Penny,

      it is my pleasure 🙂

      It truly is about feeling into the jealousy and envy that you can feel in your body – those dense energies and triggers regarding how it affected you and how you dislike it, and loading up those traumas (whatever they are) and releasing them.

      Often what we find, when we track them through, is the awful feeling of not being trusted, not being able to trust others. The dislike of control but also conversely wanting people to be attached to us intently because of fearing what they may do if they are not.

      And of course, other specific wounds that may be unique to you.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Charaln71@gmail.com'
    Nina
    November 12, 2017

    Hi Mel
    I was raised by two narcissists. My mother took it a step further and is also a sociopath. My father love bombed me to get the supply he needed. This made my mother very envious. She controlled her sons and induced one of them to sexually abuse me.
    My father is now dead. I’ve expelled my brothers from my life. I have contact with my mother with strict boundaries.
    My husband has a mild form of narcissism.he also has Aspergers. How did I marry a man who is a cross of my two parents?
    I have peace in my life. Deep spirituality. I have faith that one day I will receive love, empathy and compassion from a partner.
    Thank you Mel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2017

      Hi Nina,

      I am so sorry you have been through so much trauma, and in spite of it all, that is beautiful that you have such a peace and faith.

      We certainly do continue on unconsciously with what is “familiar” as well as the match for the traumas that we still have inside.

      Wishing you wonderful healing, love and blessings Nina.

      It’s my pleasure and I so hope I can help.

      Mel xo

  • dancingshadow18@hotmail.com'
    Tiggyfan
    November 12, 2017

    <>
    🙂

    • dancingshadow18@hotmail.com'
      Tiggyfan
      November 12, 2017

      oops sorry my comment somehow did not make it through in my first posting I think.
      I just wanted to send a big HUG for Tiggy! :-)))))

  • shelleyspeaksloudly@icloud.com'
    KyLeigh
    November 13, 2017

    My soon to be ex-narc husband displayed no jealousy. He exhibited indifference. Always controlling how I felt by acting like he didn’t care and that I had no value. So, I did things to get his attention and approval. I never felt loved because of his tactics. He preyed on my belief that he loved me and that sometimes it takes people more than once or twice to find the right partner (I was his fourth wife). He was the “victim” the other three times, he said.

    I am working very hard now to accept that there was never anything I could have said or done that would have changed his behavior. You cannot love someone into loving you. You cannot love someone sane. He not only has NPD, he also is diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder. He’s a scary, consciousness man. He used me to gain social status and so he appeared to everyone to be a great guy and an even better husband. It took at least a year after I finally stared telling people to get anyone, including my family, to believe me and there are many people who still don’t. I wonder how they cannot see the scars I have on the inside? If you observe me, it’s easy to see my fear. I apologize constantly and don’t make eye contact much. We work together (that’s where we met) so I cannot get away from him. He treats me like I’m invisible, looking right through me. His girlfriend works there, too. It’s a nightmare. Our supervisor told me he doesn’t believe me. WTH?

    No one who hasn’t been through this can understand at all. They cannot believe the things you “let happen”. They cannot believe or understand why it took so long to leave or how hard it is to stay away. They condemn you and think you’re weak. That’s not it at all. With my ex, it was slow and methodical. Gaslighting at every turn. Texting his girlfriend in my bed every night and when I confronted him, he said to me, “I don’t know what you think you saw.” It happened so much that I questioned my sanity on a regular basis and sometimes still do when I think about the things that he said. I made a list of “Reasons why not to go back”. It took me days to finish and ended up being well over 100 reasons. It’s so, so hard to accept that he never cared or loved me even though I know people like him are incapable. My heart still aches daily. God, I hope it goes away someday…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2017

      Hi KyLeigh,

      my heart goes out to you in this pain that you are experiencing and the fact that you are around the reminder of him and his partner on a regular basis. This must be excruciating.

      KyLeigh have you heard how people have been able to release their trauma in this community, of the most horrible things that they possibly would not have ever got passed if they didn’t?

      I, and so many others – were like this. Drowning in the trauma that we thought we would never get out of until we applied Quanta Freedom Healing to it.

      I’d love you KyLeigh to come into one of my free webinars http://www.melanietoniavenas.com to start learning more about this.

      Because it can help you immeasurably.

      Mel xo

  • lahloy14@gmail.com'
    Eudoxia
    November 14, 2017

    Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and then some. My former best friend of 43 years became a domestic despot the minute we bought a house together and the second I walked through the door. She turned into Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest on steroids. It was clear she suffered pathological envy, she was a total boundary smasher. The Queen of Little Digs and a thief. She stole my phone to stop me from visiting another friend of mine, and my passport went missing when I mentioned I was going to go to Thailand with the same friend. She was (she didn’t become) an hysterical paranoid freak it’s just the mask slipped nearly every day.

    She became both violent and extremely dangerous. The day I’d had enough and told her I was leaving culminated after she had a total wig out and went FULL CHUCKY because I asked her what my gurney was doing in the bin. This was after I asked another friend to drive me to the garage my car was in getting serviced and I had to pick it up. She flew off the handle right there and then and and launched into a massive hostile, abusive tirade that lasted a good 20mins. I actually remained calm during the whole thing (God knows how) and eventually said “Glynde you are not becoming your father, you have become your father” at which point in time she flew out of the kitchen and tried to throw me down the front stairs. She claimed exclusive ownership rights over me it seemed. But I don’t allow others to control me and stood my ground another thing she hated and would start WWIII over, my right to say no and maintain boundaries was a major inconvenience for her.

    She would often accuse my other friends of being drug f**^*d morons when it was so far removed from the truth it wasn’t funny. She got extremely bent out of shape when I become a crew member for the local medicine circle and became actively involved. I knew she had deep insecurity but could never imagine the extent of it until I moved in with her. She became the greatest nightmare of my life. No narcissistic romantic relationship even came close to the level of pathology I experienced on the receiving end of her insane insecurity. It went way beyond being insecure I believe this woman is seriously deranged and a danger to others. The extreme level of malice she directed toward me was unprecedented to any narc relationships I’d had previously.

    I finally got out of there and left the house a couple of days later for good, she still owes me a lot of money and I have every intention of getting it back. I have signed up with and actively participating in NARP and getting a great deal of benefit from doing so. I have every intention of never allowing myself to be an attraction point for narcs ever again because it did not stop there. I got involved romantically with another one straight after. My mother died in between these experiences so I had compounded grief and anxiety to add insult to injury. I have every intention of confronting her BUT ONLY ONLY when I know without any doubt whatsoever I am whole and healed and I know with the extraordinary experiences I’ve already had with NARP that is not too far off and I doubt that I will stop at NARP I think I’ll just keep going forward.

    Thanks Mel for you wonderful healing program and I can highly recommend it to anybody considering signing up for it. NARP is the BOMB to blow apart those false perceptions that we hold onto about ourselves that allow narcissists to get their hooks into us and make our lives a living hell. I’m done with living hells. I am co-creating my own wonderful life minus narcissists :-

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 15, 2017

      Hi Eudixoa,

      Oh gosh that sounds awful what you when through.

      And it’s great that you got out, and that you are working with NARP. My heart goes out to you with my condolences regarding your mother.

      You are so welcome Eudixoa and I love the space you are moving into – abuse and N-free.

      Well done and keep going.

      Mel xo

  • milicama09@gmail.com'
    Sandra
    November 15, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    I’ve ordered NARP recently and have a question regarding releasing old painful beliefs about envy, and some other stuff. I want to take it to the Goal setting module, but I can’t target it in my body. My body went numb after all beating it suffered, so when I set the intention for it to show me what wounds I have on this topic, and where they are, I get no response. I suppose I have blocks on targeting, but I can’t target these blocks because I can’t target/feel anything. Also, I loose the charge after two shifts. Please help

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 15, 2017

      Hi Sandra,

      Ok I would target “the block” … say to yourself “Somewhere in my body is a block not allowing me to access this trauma – where is that block?” And then with body open and breathing, you will feel somewhere in your body “light up”. It may be a really dull and even small feeling of some dense energy somewhere. Trust this and even if you don’t get any information on it, still load it up and shift it out by following all the other components of the visualisations that you are instructed to do.

      By naming it and calling it out – it should appear. Also please know for coaching with NARP work the NARP Forum is the best place to do this, because we can work with you going back and forth.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • sevenseas@swbell.net'
    Doing worlds better since NARP!
    November 16, 2017

    Hi Melanie and anyone else reading this, =D

    I have healed SO MUCH in the past year since joining NARP! I joined on my B-Day last year and it was the best B-Day gift I’ve ever received in my life! I still have TONS of healing to do, but I’m a different person than I was last year!

    I would love your opinion on something. I live at home with my N Dad, N Mother & N Sister. I have just started a HUGE recovery in the past few weeks from Stage 4 Adrenal Fatigue and still recovering but doing worlds better! I do not have a job or any friends. The only people in my life are my N family.

    I would LOVE to be able to at least have a connection with the outside world using Facebook, but I’m afraid to even make comments in CLOSED FB groups, because my Dad joined one of my “closed” FB groups and never told me, and I NEVER even told him about that group. I have been PARANOID of doing anything on Facebook ever since. (Using NARP my paranoia has lessened SO VERY MUCH, but it’s still there, and I feel I have a very valid reason for being scared and paranoid of my Dad).

    I would love to delete and block all family members and tell them I’m just not using FB anymore (but that might cause an apocalypse w/ Dad!), I could create a new profile (and obviously not tell them about it) and DE-ACTIVATE the old one OR should I forget all of this and keep NARPING.

    I feel after writing this, the DE-ACTIVATING is probably the best option. I know it’s frowned upon by FB to have two accounts, but if I have the other one deactivated (I have literally next to nothing on my wall)I think it would be ok.
    If I de-activated, I feel I could just do it, and not explain or say anything to anyone. Easy! I have a secret Google Phone # so no one can look me up if I do this.

    I would LOVE a fantastic excuse for removing all of my family members and other N’s and not upsetting them, as it will be a huge pain to rejoin all my FB Groups and re-like all the pages I’ve liked, but I just can’t stand feeling invisible and powerless anymore with no voice, and I’ve been ok with that for a long time, but not anymore.

    I understand if you don’t feel it’s appropriate to give an answer, but any input about the matter would mean the world to me!

    Thank you so much Melanie for everything & thank you to anyone else chiming in.
    =D

    PS – I loved your fantastic Maleficent Halloween costum becuase I LOVE the movie “Maleficent”! =D

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 16, 2017

      Hi DWBSN,

      I am so happy for you that you have come so far in such a short time! That is AWESOME!

      Ok … I agree with just deactivating and free yourself to be yourself without them knowing and then you can express and join in with the outsde world.

      Do it!!

      Glad you loved the cossie – it was fun, thank you sweetheart!

      Mel xo

      • sevenseas@swbell.net'
        Doing worlds better with NARP!
        November 18, 2017

        Melanie! So much love and hugs to you!
        Thank you so much for replying!
        After reading your reply I have an excitement and energy for life I haven’t felt in awhile!
        I’m so excited about my new profile that I’m going to massively declutter my email & phone contacts as well and have a fresh start!

        Thank you!!!!! =D

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          November 19, 2017

          Hi DWBWN,

          I am so happy for you that you are feeling this!

          Big yaya for you!

          Mel xo

          Go ge

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