Narcissists know how to target people.
They know what to look out for.
Many people think that narcissists can con anybody and start to destroy their lives. This isn’t true. There are many people who the narcissist will quickly ascertain are not on their snack list.
In today’s TTV episode I share with you the top six traits that narcissists look for in their victims.
Video Transcript
Narcissists hunt.
They know what they are searching for in regard to their victims. They are looking for lovely people with certain characteristics, which really means people who are not necessarily nice to themselves.
Narcissists need narcissistic supply very quickly. They can’t provide their own internal energy source and need to strike rapidly. This is why narcissists are incredibly skilled at knowing who to strike and how.
By you knowing the six traits that narcissists look out for in the people that they hone in on, it means you can shore up these susceptibilities within yourself so that you will no longer be on a narcissist’s menu.
Okay, so just before we investigate these six top traits, I’d like to thank all of you for supporting the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel. If you haven’t yet done so please do. Also, if you like this video please make sure that you give it a thumbs up and share it with your communities.
Okay so let’s get started on this very important information.
Trait Number One: Unhealed Traumas
The number one universal tactic for a narcissist to enmesh with another, such as a love or business partner, friend, neighbour or even in regard to a family of origin narcissist trying to retain another family member for supply – is this:
Find the ‘need’ and propose to be the grand supplier of it.
Narcissists question potential intimate partner targets to find out what is still hurting them or missing in regard to their previous love life.
If you say that you were treated like you didn’t matter, the narcissist will supply the information to make you believe that to him or her you will completely matter. If your previous traumas have been about adultery, the narcissist will profess to be 100% monogamous.
The list goes on and on.
In a business context, the narcissist will purportedly have the smarts, experience, confidence and contacts that you don’t have.
When a family member is ready to pull away and walk away, the narcissist may pretend to be the caring, considerate person that the other family member has craved all their life.
If you feel empty, disappointed, powerless or ineffectual in some area of your life, you are susceptible to being duped and abused by a narcissist pretending to be the saviour of this trauma.
Of course, we all have things that we desire, yet if we are not taking personal responsibility to heal those feelings within ourselves, we will be needy. We will grab an outside solution rather than doing the inner work to become an emotional healing solution to ourselves.
This means we can make risky choices, rather than take our time to ascertain the character of people and ensure that our boundaries, values, body, heart, mind and property have been granted the healthy due diligence to keep them safe.
When we are whole, we don’t rush things. When we are empty and needy we become reckless to try to get relief from our inner emptiness and anxieties about the future.
This is where narcissists come in.
Trait Number Two: Not Honouring Your Inner Being
Narcissists know how to test people’s boundaries. When a narcissist targets you as a potential source, they are trying to find out whether or not you honour yourself, your values and your truth.
Because if you are in your power, as soon as the narcissist starts violating your boundaries and mining you with their own self-serving agendas, you will put an end to the relationship.
A person aligned with living their values and truths will not be a match for such behaviours.
Narcissists can easily test your boundaries, especially if he or she has been able to hook up quickly with you, and infiltrate your time, emotions and life. At this point, you may already be feeling an emotional dependency on this person as the provider of the love, approval, security or survival that you haven’t yet resolved within yourself.
This now means that you don’t want to lose this person.
You may even believe that this is THE person who will be your salvation and bring you wholeness.
Now the narcissist is going to start saying or doing things to test your boundaries to see how far he or she can go. The actions start not matching the words. He or she will start acting entitled, selfish and inconsiderate.
He or she may make a disparaging, nasty comment about you or someone or something that is important to you.
Where there was previously support, the exact opposite starts becoming evident.
You may even start experiencing obscene violations of your values and rights that start tearing your soul apart. At some point in your relationship with the narcissist, these horrific experiences are inevitable.
If you start acquiescing to try to keep the peace, or even fight back because this has hurt you, rather than create ultimate boundaries, pull away and know what you will or won’t have in your life – the narcissist will now know that he or she can violate you, mine you and get what he or she wants.
Identically, upon meeting a narcissist, he or she has ways of testing your boundaries and seeing if you are going to do your due diligence and take your time to assess his or her personal character or not.
If you start automatically trusting and gravitating towards a narcissist, despite the warning signs that your Inner Being is absolutely supplying you with (this happened to all of us), then the narcissist has a green light to proceed.
From this point things can only get worse.
Trait Number Three: Not Having Your Own Whole Life
One part of being that injured gazelle at the edge of the pack, able to be picked off by a predator, is not having a whole, happy and productive life.
You see, this is how it goes – narcissists need to create dependencies.
If you feel lonely, empty and have simply been going through the motions waiting for something to change outside of yourself, or for somebody to turn up in order to start granting you a happy productive life, you are at risk. That someone who you want to be the saviour of this emptiness is someone who you will struggle greatly to let go of – no matter how badly he or she treats you.
If, when you start connecting with somebody at a healthy pace, you don’t retain your own life, happiness, and purpose then this person becomes your ‘everything’.
This is dire; it is unhealthy co-dependent attachment. It means that this person’s choices, values and life will become your own, no matter how abusive and disordered they may be.
It also means that this person can monopolise your emotions, time and life very quickly.
In stark contrast, retaining yourself, your life and your values is one of the greatest safeguards in regard to not being taken in and down by a narcissist. He or she will not tolerate it and will need to leave your experience.
Trait Number Four: Not Being Willing to Lose It All to Get It All
If you are not prepared to love yourself first and foremost, then you are susceptible to being abused by somebody who you are trying to get your own sense of worth and love from.
A healthy life in regard to interpersonal relationships must start with self-love. Meaning, if someone starts treating you in unhealthy and abusive ways that you love yourself enough to pull away and align with the self-love, ‘I love myself enough to know longer endure abuse’.
Generally, narcissists do something inappropriate, uncaring or even abusive early in the relationship. Or you may discover information or questionable activities about this person that just don’t add up, or point-blank expose him or her to be not a nice person.
If you make excuses to stay attached, and if you are not prepared to pull away and create safety around the sanctity of your soul and life-force by declaring the truth of your values and what you will and won’t accept in your life, the narcissist knows that he or she can be a monster and you won’t leave.
The narcissist knows you will stay attached trying to change them in order to try to have a happy life. This provides the narcissist with copious amounts of narcissistic supply – the drama and attention he or she gets from knowing how severely you are affected by them. He or she also now has you as a target to beat up and to offload their inner demons onto.
If you are a person who is willing to lose it all to get it all, meaning lose another person rather than lose yourself, you will never be susceptible to a narcissist. You will leave as soon as things start to feel and become ‘off’. You will set the limits as to what you will and won’t accept, and you will very quickly see that the narcissist does not have the resources to genuinely meet you healthily.
If you are presently healing to get into this newfound True Self Power, you will finally get out of the clutches of narcissistic abuse and start to carve out the life that is reflective of your True Self.
Naturally, to be solid enough on the inside to do this requires doing the inner work on your original traumas in order to become whole. Otherwise, you may capitulate and keep handing your power away.
Trait Number Five: Trying to Change Other People to Stop Them From Hurting You
Narcissists seek out people who are co-dependent. These are people who make other people’s business their business in order to try to feel loved, safe and happy.
Narcissists make a mess.
They are often edgy, irresponsible, live high on the hog, and show little respect for rules, finances and responsibility – after all it is about feeding their insatiable False Self in order to feel significant, regardless of the cost.
If you are someone who is covertly controlling, meaning taking responsibility for other people who don’t take responsibility for themselves, in order for you to feel safe on the inside, then you are a perfect match for a narcissist.
He or she wants somebody to mop up the messes. He or she wants someone to keep the fires burning while the narcissist pursues new supply outside of the home. He or she wants somebody to hang around and stay focused on the narcissist regardless of how badly the narcissist behaves.
We may believe that it is caring to look after irresponsible and out-of-control people, but really this is an attempt to try to get people to be stable and safe so that they can love us and look after us healthily.
As children, we may have been connected to unsafe others, trying to fix things for them so that they would be safe. The truth is we had no other option. As adults we do, and we can never fix other people’s behaviour to get our own source of love, approval, security and survival.
We only ever achieve these things by letting go of people who we believe need fixing, and turning inwards and fixing the real reasons why we have had the tendency to do this and stay connected to abuse in painful relationships.
Trait Number Six: You Are Not Self-Partnered and Loving Yourself
When the narcissist starts behaving in inappropriate and abusive ways, and you stay attached to him or her instead of pulling away to look after yourself, the narcissist knows that he or she has become the centre of your universe.
Now the narcissist can keep hurting you, mining and taking from you, and know that you have been secured as a source of supply while this takes place.
When you stay, which means tolerating things that you never believed you would tolerate, the narcissist has full permission to relax and drop the mask even further.
He or she may realise that even if caught out with adultery you won’t leave.
This is soul destroying for you, when you realise that your bottom line is almost completely extinguished, or even non-existent now.
This is the reason why being self-partnered is the number one step to take, to start pulling away, healing, bringing yourself back to wholeness and wellness and being impervious to abusers in the future.
It is the absolute foundation of healing in the Thriver Way in order to create a full recovery of not just your abuse symptoms, but also your abuse patterns.
If you are not self-partnered, meaning you are committed to loving yourself enough to heal and create yourself as a whole and healthy individual who is no longer susceptible to abuse, then your life will be dictated by other people’s values and choices rather than your own.
Narcissists know how to look out for this to ascertain where people are in regard to being anchored in their own being as self-love to themselves or not. People who have been assigning other people as their source of love, approval, security and survival are clearly not self-partnered.
If this is the case, narcissists know that they can easily slot into that position, enmesh with people, and start taking over their soul and life.
How to Recover From These Six Traits
I hope that going over these top six traits that narcissists look out for in their victims has helped you understand just how you may have been susceptible to narcissistic abuse.
Most people are extremely aware of the symptoms that they are suffering, and that they have been abused, but do not realise the real rectifications that are necessary to graduate out of the pain and trauma to evolve yourself beyond handing your power away to abusers again.
If you need further clarification and understanding on exactly how this has played out in your life then I invite you to join me in my free webinar where you will start to understand exactly how you can heal from not just your abuse symptoms, but also the abuser’s ability to hurt you, and, going forward, the fears of getting involved with any narcissistic people in the future.
To gain this vital understanding and training please click this link.
And, if you liked this video please give it a thumbs up and share with the communities and people who you know can heal as a result of this information.
Also, please remember to subscribe so you will be notified as soon as each new video is released.
So, I hope that this video was insightful for you and I look forward to your comments and questions below.
Your blogs are always an enormous support and source of strength to me when I feel weak, crazy and helpless. Thank you, Melanie, for your incredible work! 🙂
Hi Annabel,
I am so pleased that I can help Dear Lady.
You are very welcome Annabel and please know that I am sending you love, healing and power.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I started no contact January 2nd. He walked out after I wudnt let him use my vehicle to go buy drugs. I immediately blocked his phone number & blocked him &100 of his family & mutual friends & i had my kids block him as well. But yesterday I found out he has opened a new more discreet social media page and has been sending request to my extended family members. I live alone & have a nerve disease among other health issues that limit me physically so last night I couldn’t figure out how to connect my new antenna & for a second I thought about asking him to come do it BUT I QUICKLY DISMISSED THE URGE. But late last night I found out he is indirectly smearing me on FB AGAIN! I’m determined to stay no contact and this info u provided has strengthened me even more to focus on myself.. thx
Hi Denise,
this is so great that you are detaching from him and focusing on healing you.
Big kudos to you.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have been receiving your emails for about 3 months now and have gained a huge insight into the predicament I found myself in after leaving my narcissistic partner in September of last year. He had since made 3 serious attempts to work himself back into my ife: 2 of these were successful. Yes I was weak. But he is good at what he does. Now I have been free of him for 1 month and am determined to continue no contact. Your hugely supportive insights have been a great help in understanding the dynamics of this horrendous cycle of abuse intermingled with blinding love. This has strengthened my resolve. Thank you again!! 🙂
Thank you very much. Your information is very helpful. I am on my third narcissistic relationship (husband, boss and divorce attorney) but four situations of being trauma bonded. The divorce attorney was the most recent and although he made me aware of what was happening after I was too deep in, and the case is now over, I miss him so much. Intelligently, I know he abused me for money and emotional entertainment, but I felt so whole and now I feel lost. It has been two months with no contact but I still think about him every day and have sexual fantasies about him. He is significantly older than me and satisfied the father figure wounds I have. How do I break free and open myself to another relationship. I just started therapy and I am so afraid that my therapist is a narcissist, too.
Hi Randi,
it’s my pleasure.
My highest suggestion to you is to check out my NARP program. This is what has been responsible for my own profound healing and the unprecedented breakthroughs that so many other people have been able to achieve in this community.
NARP goes straight to the unconscious programs that have been keeping us captive in these toxic relationships, and releases and resolves them, hence why it has such powerful healing results.
To find out more about NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending you love, healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have been suffering due to my ex-daughter (N) taking my only Granddaughter to another state and is now escalating attack out of the blue. Your emails are helping but I’m terrified she will withhold my grandchild and use her as a pawn.
Hi Lynn,
My heart goes out to you and please know that I have a resource coming out on this that will help very soon.
Also, until then this may help https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ru1X22hmmVc as well as https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-to-do-when-youre-alienated-from-your-child/
I also highly suggest coming into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn how to release and shift the awful feeling that you are feeling (which are so understandable) so that you can make space for a shift to occur, which could help your situation considerably.
I hope that these resources help in sending so much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you so much. I did the workshop and am learning about NPD which I believe my ex-daughter in law has. After six months of depression when she took my granddaughter, I finally have some hope. Thank you.
Hi Lynn,
it’s my pleasure.
I’m so pleased that the workshop helps you and that you do have some hope now.
Sending love and blessings to you and for reuniting with your granddaughter
Mel 🙏💕💛
This was spot on for me tonight. I have been no contact for 4 months. he has continued to text and leave “gifts” at my door. I finally decided to bite the bullet and change my cell number. I was pretty confident this would escalate his efforts to contact me. And it did. he came to my door tonight. thankfully my son is visiting and saw him drive into our neighborhood. he called me and told me not to answer the door. I am so tired of living in fear. I just want him to leave me alone.
Hi Cindy,
I’m glad that this resonated with you.
Cindy please know that I have quite a few resources on the topic of a narcissist “leaving you alone”. If you do a Google research on this topic and my name you will find these resources which I believe can help you a lot in your predicament.
Lots of love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Your blogs on Narcissism are amaziny enlightening, Melanie. I’m so rhankful I found you.
I need some help with an area of the malignant narcissistic single father with teenage girl. This soul-sucking narc ex-husband of mine literally took thesole custody I had of my daughter in the most deceptive and insideous means to black ball me in the court system.
How will he be as a parent to my 15 year old high functioning Autistiv daughter.
I’m so scared.
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
I’m so pleased that they can help give you some clarity.
My heart goes out to you for what you have experienced in regard to being alienate it from your daughter. I can’t even imagine how painful and frightening that would be.
Lisa, I have quite a few resources in regard to child alienation and also “our children”. If you Google my name plus these topics I hope that these resources can help you a great deal.
I would also love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn how to shift in the most powerful position for yourself and your daughter, to deal with this travesty.
Big hugs and love to you and your daughter Lisa
Mel 🙏💕💛
Narcissist know our buttons,that is true. BUT SINCE TINY I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO LOOK INSIDE AND DISSOLVE MY BUTTONS. VERY VERY POWERFULL. EVEN WITH PHSYICAL DISABILITY IDO SAME. IDO PSYHCOTHERAPY ON SELF AND HAVE CURED MUCH MUCH.
Sure IT IS BLOOD BOILING THAT NARCISSIST DOES THIS TO US. ESPECIALLY IN MY PLACE WHERE IF I BANTER IN MY HOME DURING
PAIN FROM MICROW AND ulTRA SONIC TO THAN N.BOUR WHO ABUSING ME 4YELLING FOR THEM TO STOP ABUSE ON ME VIA PAIN WILL GET MENTAL HEALTH ON ME TO INDICT ME.. LIVING IN MUSLIM area THEY HAVE MANY MUSLIMS IN MEDICS HELPING THEM. MY MIND IS 100% ON MY CAREER AND MRS IQBAL WITH PAUL NEXT door WHO LOOK LIKE JENNIFER AINSTONE OF SCIENTOLOGY AKA fake psych DAVID HINCHCLIFFE WHO PRESSING MRS IQBAL S BUTTONS TO HATE ME 4 WRITING ON FB OR EMAILING POLICE OR HEARING VERY VERY LOW RADIO OR TV OR HAVING BATH AT NIGHT OR BOILING KETTLE WILL TRIGGER MRS IQBAL AND SCIENTOLOGY WILL PLAY ON IT VIA CAT AINSTONE OF TOM S PARSI ONTRAGE . WHAT SCARES ME IS THEY WILL USE MUSLIM N.BOURS TO KILL OR VICE VERSA AS PUBLICITY STUNT. WITH 3 CULTS AND BENT SECRET SERVICE THEY HAVE WIPED OUT 4 GENERATIONS OGF MY USA FAMILY AND ILFORD IN LAWS IN LAST 30 YRS AND USED ME UNDER ROOFI AS SEX SLAVE AND 4 BODY PARTS 4 IVF TREATMENTS EXPERIMENTS FOR KIDDIES 4 THEIR ALL SORTS OF ABUSE . THEY PUT ME IN ACCIDENTS TO INJURE AND KILL. NOW THEY USING N.BOURS TO PUSH MENTAL ILLS ON ME TO FINISH MY CAREER VIA FALSE MENTAL ILLNESS AND DESTRO Y CAREER..
4 days ago I broke up with a narcissist. I’m not sure why I attracted this narcissist, I have worked unceasingly on all 6 of the above traits.
She started dating me, I was not dating her and I stay away from sex. She bought me new curtains, kitchen utensils and other items for my home. She bought me lots of food and insisted on paying at restaurants. I insisted on paying her for her gifts and house cleaning, which she wouldn’t accept.
Her conversations centered on others and she had a pattern of putting these people down. RED FLAG! I told her that friendship is okay, but I’m not ready to move further in our relationship. She did 90% of the talking.
I noticed that she was very stubborn and couldn’t be reasoned with, RED FLAG! But she was always very nice and civil. (that didn’t convince me)
On the 27th of December she insisted on visiting me. I told her that I have other guests on that day. She started manipulating me to change my plans for her and tell the other guests to come some other day.
I asked her to please respect my boundaries and agency. She responded by telling me I was not respecting her’s. RED FLAG. Ha, she is gaslighting now. The exchange went around a few more times in this same circle, then she threatened to break up if I didn’t comply. More manipulation.
I called her on her threat and said I’ll take her up on it and she went ballistic. I then ended the conversation knowing that I just broke the cover of a narcissist and reason is useless.
She shows up 2 nights later at my home at 9pm making a big scandal on the street, manipulating neighbors against me and threatening to tell my friends what a jerk I am. Yelling, she insisted that I return all her gifts, including the curtains for my entire home. I walked away saying nothing and locked my doors.
She tried to gain entry into my home, but could not.
She continued ranting and raving for another half hour. She got neighbors to start calling out my name and that I should talk to her. I refused to show myself or answer.
It was great that she was unable to upset me, control me or shame me into compliance. I easily saw through that she was manipulating and gaslighting with perfect clarity.
I told her she is a nutcase and a narcissist and to never return or contact me again and lucky for me she lives 6 hours drive from me.
Hi Stephen,
This is great that you have set your boundaries, didn’t capitulate and dodged a huge big bullet!
Yay you!
Truly Stephen, I believe what is so much more important than trying to analyse why you attracted one, is knowing that you have the adequate resources to effectively deal with one.
You hit a home run here!
“It was great that she was unable to upset me, control me or shame me into compliance. I easily saw through that she was manipulating and gaslighting with perfect clarity.”
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
It’s been a while since I started reading your wonderful insights and I truely recommend them as a survivor of many narcissistic partners . My heartfelt agreement with the absolute knowledge I have gained is that my own un healed traits still make me vulnerable.
To all who read your blog I can attest to the fundamental truth of needing to heal your own patterns that make you susceptible to any narcissistic abusers.
Your blog is so worth while .
K
Hi Kenn,
thank you for your beautiful support and I’m so pleased that you resonate with my information.
The truth does set us free!
Much love and gratitude to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
I’m so grateful for the support and voice you give to this community.
I have two cents to share.
That very thing that the Narcs suggests:
“I’ll never leave you”
“I’m what you’ve been searching for”
“I make you look good”
“I complete you”
“You’ll be safe and secure and protected and defended, and provided for”
“YOU MIGHT BE THE ONE”
But ..
“You don’t quite measure up”
“I can’t make up my mind”
“My ex was just so amazing, I want to love you I just can’t”
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…
It is really just the very opposite of the Truth.
THEY are not enough.
They CAN’T quite measure up
THEY can’t, in a million years ,instill security of any kind… Not emotional, not financial, nor spiritual.
THEY have NO CAPACITY to satisfy.
THEY ARE THE ONE!! (to wake us up)
So they finally just prove to us that ONLY TRUE LOVE is what we have been looking for.
Only REAL love will give us peace and satisfaction.
Only respectful acceptance and kind thoughtfulness can be tolerated.
And
We ARE enough.
TRUE pure love is not only necessary, it is worth passing on anything less than the real thing.
It’s enough for us to know that we have loved with integrity and honesty and unselfishly. Nothing can destroy the new demand for REAL Love.
It’s like having received an inoculation.;)
We just learned how to love MORE!!!
AND to demand The REAL THING.
THANK YOU NARC.
THANK YOU NARP.
Hi Iris,
I adore everything that you have shared here again Iris, it is so true!
Biggest mwah to you beautiful lady, and I so hope that many read and take in your wonderful words of wisdom!
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I love this iris, spot on!
Thankyou Narc, & Thankyou Narp!
Wendy Xo
Hi Melanie,
I did your full course over 18months ago, been doing therapy, reading books, confronting parents for abuse, and generally getting myself whole for the first time ever in my life.
At 55 I am only now feeling like I know and love who I am and what I do. It makes me sad it’s taken this long to understand how badly my upbringing set me up for ongoing relationship failure and as a sitting duck for narcissists.
I encourage anyone who is in a bad relationship to get out and work on themselves and don’t go looking for happiness unless you are truly happy to be on your own with yourself firstly. Only then are you whole and strong enough to be in a relationship.
I have taken two and a half years to get to where I am but wow am I proud of me!
Hi Therese,
I 100% agree with you that it is our soul right to find happiness in our own skin and body, and then that we have the resources to align with fulfilling and healthy relationships, as well as leave those that aren’t a match for our True Self and Life.
Thank you for your beautiful share and please know how proud we all are of you as well!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Therese
Don’t feel sad. I’ll be 55 too in a couple of months and I’ve been doing NARP and the family of origin trauma clearing for a few years now. I hate to think where I’d be without it. For the first time in my entire life I feel happy and at peace with everything and I am not in a relationship. I feel blessed that I get to do the last stretch of my life this way instead of suffering all the time. Even getting old doesn’t worry me at all and I enjoy my life at last. The alternative would have been to get old dragging the weight of all the trauma on top. It’s not a bullet we dodged, it’s the atomic bomb. Much love to you. X
Yet another insightful analysis of the workings of the narcissist’s mind. You helped me break free over 6 years ago and I still value listening to your podcasts to keep reminding myself to self partner. The effects of narcissistic are profound and I realise the importance of continuing to do the hard work on yourself rather than focusing on the mindset of the narcissist. All those years ago when I was struggling to understand what was going on , you gave me the explanation I needed to get myself together. I cannot thank you enough. Much love.
Jackie
Hi Jackie,
thank you and I am so pleased that you spoke to you!
I’m so pleased that I could help and that you are free!
So much love to you too Jackie
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mel
Your writing on this topic never fails to make me feel utterly understood and supported. Your insight is incredible. You are doing such important work.
Thanks!
Hi Emma,
I am so pleased that you feel supported and thank you for your beautiful words.
So much love to you Dear Lady
Mel 🙏💕💛
All of this! And a MAJOR part of my weakness was my desire for children after a string of unsuccessful relationships. I was approaching mid 30s and didn’t trust that I would date and meet someone better in time to have children. I was desperate, and I had already invested so much of myself into my Narc. I also still foolishly believed he would somehow come right when a baby came along (LOL!). At least I can say that the only good thing to come out of the relationship was my four children (last two are twins). That and my superhero strength and bullshit detector. It’s a bit lonely SOMETIMES and bloody hard work raising 4 small people in parallel to a Narc, but I am so much happier in myself now.
Hi Lola,
sending you strength for your incredibly brave and beautiful connection and with bringing up your dear babies.
It sounds like you are already working with Parallel Parenting which is awesome!
I am so pleased that you are happier now.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you so much Mel, as always x
Honouring my inner being, my integrity, being true, authentic and staying firm in this has been so tested over these holidays. I Know certain choices were Right for me, no-matter whether deemed ‘wrong’, ‘bad’ and ‘selfish’ by others (a ‘final’ family member). It takes such a strength and you feel the energies, pain and trauma rife in your body all over again, like a physical sickness.
Moduling has been a great friend these holidays, where family ‘oughts’ and ‘shoulds’ appear under the spotlight with so much pressure, which are now mostly absent all year. So it’s good to have everything come up in stark, painful relief! to work on again, and keep honouring myself and the inner younger me all the more xxx I’ve noticed too now how much more quickly the pain goes, the body Knows it’s true and I take care of myself with such love. Being willing to lose it all to get it all has been a great test – and you see clearly that what you are ‘losing’ was certainly not good for you, and ultimately had no substance at all. I have a sense that with this family member, my brother, it might make authentic connections stronger, in time, as it’s not truly a narcisstic dynamic, like my parents. But whatever happens, all is ok x
I feel more and more that we truly are born into our families to learn and evolve during our lifetime, whilst understanding that our Essential Self (the same One as us all) is ever perfectly at peace and True and just Is’ 🙂 xx remaining as this light also helps to dissipate the dramas… ‘glowing all out further and further, As the light’ (with Narp too :)) x
lots of love and new year wishes,
rowena
Hi Rowena,
it’s my pleasure.
That is so great that you stood in your truth and have been using NARP modules to continue shifting out any trauma that arises – that is what powerful and real evolution is all about!
I love your power in being willing to lose that all get it all, and you are right it is simply about losing all order to make space for one far superior, healthier and more satisfying.
I also adore that you are not attached to the outcomes knowing that it is all in perfect and divine order.
I love your evolution Rowena, you are so beautifully on track!
Much love to you with New Year’s wishes as well
Mel 🙏💕💛
thank you 🙂 x
Hello Melanie,
This is spot on as usual. I have been in a topsy turvy relationship with a NARC for almost 5 years. My BF constantly whines about “how much responsibility” he has. Clearly this is partly an excuse to avoid giving me what I want, but I believe there’s a deeper component. I know A LOT of successful men with businesses, families etc. and they seem to take it stride. It suddenly dawned on me what singles out my NARC is that he is so unwilling to abdicate any control on any front (domestic, family, business and even simple social plans) that he has no idea how easier life could be if he truly was able to “partner” and allow himself to share responsibilities. He also doesn’t realize how desperate his need to control his adult children is and subsequently he’s tortured over their noncompliance.
It would be great if you could do a future blog on why NARCS can not relinquish control and whether or not they actually feel imprisoned as a result.
I would love your thoughts.
Christina xo
Hi Christina,
I’m so pleased that this resonated with you.
Christine that is a great suggestion and I will certainly put it on the TTV consideration list!
Absolutely unhealed inner emotional woundedness generates a desire to try to control the outer in order to feel more appeased and safer on the inner.
That an essential part of codependency, which is a byproduct of not feeling whole inside. Both the people who get involved with narcissists and narcissists themselves suffer from this.
So much of our evolution is to learn how to let go of trying to make somebody else change their behaviour so that we can have a whole and healthy life and instead make the choices for our life that mean either “join me here” or “don’t”. Either way is fine when we realise that trying to change somebody else in order to forge our life will always equal How to lose!!
Those are my thoughts on this topic.
So much love to you Christina
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you so much for this wonderful video, Mel. As always, so very insightful!
I was feeling a little lonely lately but I think this really stopped me in my tracks, lol. I used the information like a checklist and saw some gaps I still need to fill and will continue to view this video on occasion in the future as well. Narp’s been a Godsend to me to help me heal a lot of inner trauma so I highly recommend it for others.
Keep smiling and keep Thriving, Mel : ) and I’ll do the same.
Lots of Love, Kathy
Hi Kathy,
I’m so pleased that this was helpful for you.
I love that you’re working with NARP and can target and release whatever you need to to go to the next most free and joyous level!
That’s awesome you’re Going to keep Thriving Kathy!
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie! Thank you for your gift of sharing and enlightenment! All of these traits I have as well. Will continue to work NARP, so that I can be fully whole and self partnered.
There is NO WAY that I will go back to being supseptible to a narcisist!! Time and inner work with support, love and NARP guidance will get me there. Thank you so VERY MUCH!! ❤❤
Hi Melody,
you are so welcome and thank you for your beautiful words.
I’m thrilled for you that you are on the evolutionary upward path and are enjoying this incredibly rich and rewarding journey.
So much love to you Melody
Mel 🙏💕💛
HI, my situation involves contact with a narcissist who befriended me long enough to have the “need” to have to move in while finding somewhere else to stay. I was taken in thinking this person was genuine. Wrong!! Long story short she has now married my son who was desperate to find someone to share his life with. She has now separated our son from having contact with us even though they live in the same street in a small town. He walks past our house after work not even glancing in as he goes by. We have received nasty emails signed by him but knowing the content isn’t from him. I am really at a loss as to how to deal with this situation with my son knowing he is under the full control of this person. While in the stage of being befriended by the narcissist and being discarded (yay) I have seen her agenda being fully played out on my son. Any ideas??
Hi Chrissy,
I want you hold tight, because next week my resource on exactly this topic is coming out as a TTV.
In there is a solution to be able to create a profound shift with what is happening with your son and the alienation of him.
Sending you, your son and your family love, healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you so much!! I will look forward to watching. This gives me some much needed hope. There is a lot of information on relationships with narcissists but not much when it is this type of problem. Thank you again. Xx
Hi Chrissy,
I’m so pleased that this gives you hope!
You are very welcome Chrissy
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
I realize I have this tremendous sadness for my narcissist former partner. When I pretend I don’t feel this, it’s like I break a part of myself away. He’s getting old, he picks terrible people to trust, he acts out like a rabid badger, what a mess. Life stabilized for awhile when we were together but then it all fell apart again. I know now I can’t fix his life, but I do feel a lot of love and sadness, for the loss and the waste, for the part of him that’s a lovely, kind, and broken person. Somehow I need to take into account the love I feel as well as the harm that he did. How do I do that and keep myself safe?
Thanks
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
please know that what you are feeling is a really common experience that so many people do feel regarding the narcissist who has been in their life.
I would like you to understand that feelings of obligation and wanting to take responsibility for somebody who doesn’t take responsibility for themselves are not necessarily love, (Even though they feel intensely like it is!) and it’s when You go deeper with your healing that you may discover that there were previous love programs in your life that equaled, “if I don’t try to fix others and love them back to health then I can’t be safe and well myself.” Which is perfectly understandable. This can be a great part of our Inner Love Code until we reprogram this.
I’d really love you to understand Rachel more about this by coming into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where you can discover what is causing an unhealthy attachment that does put you at risk, and how to be able to let go in love in a way that doesn’t.
I promise you that I used to feel so much of this myself and I completely understand where you’re coming from!
I’m not sure whether or not you have thought about my NARP program, because there is a specific module – module number six – which is dedicated to healing exactly the feelings of responsibility and wanting to fix and help narcissists, and be able to let go and heal – with love.
The deep inner work of NARP is what set myself and many other people free from these feelings.
You can find out more about this by going to http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope that these suggestions have helped you!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thanks, I appreciate that. It’s good to hear your direct response to my question and to hear yes, this is what you are talking about. And yes, I’m doing the narp program and module 6 is the one I’ve just started to work on. I was avoiding it because it didn’t seem to apply to me. I had a suicidal mother and so I always thought of this as normal, that you have to take care of someone so they will care for you. And feeling them come to trust you does indeed feel like love. It will be interesting to see if I can find some other way to experience love, or to differentiate one from the other. I’m curious to find out. You have also mentioned a universal love that appears when you let go of the old programs. I would like to feel that more.
thanks again for your work with this,
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
You are very welcome.
Please know after your module six work there will be a really healthy and beautiful shift for you. It will just “be” for you!
It’s my pleasure.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Rachel- I know exactly what you are talking about. I ‘love’ my ex-narc so much! I really wanted to heal him from his behaviour, from his terrible childhood, from his alcoholism. But I can’t heal him and it is heart-breaking because I can see he is a wonderful person underneath all his trauma and bad behaviour, but he’s not interested in healing. He’s said he’s done therapy- all kinds- and nothing worked. I had to accept that. I can still love him and pray for him, but he’s too toxic to be in a relationship with. I can’t even be friends with him because it wouldn’t be a healthy friendship. The blessing is that through him I realized that I am suffering from my own unhealed trauma and I need to heal myself- the only person I can change is me. That is so easy to say but so hard to do. I am starting my healing journey with Melanie’s NARP. Best wishes to both of us on this new path!
Yes, good luck to both of us indeed!
Rachel
Hi, Melanie.
I saw you message about the wild fires on FB. I wanted to reach out to you here because I’m not on FB, although I think I can watch your live event even though I’m not a FB member. I’m so sorry for what is happening in Australia. We’ve just begun to see reports on our local news. I think your idea is a great one, for a large group of us to unite in raising the energy of the planet to help this sad situation. I’m not sure the time difference. I think 12 noon Melbourne time is about 16 hours ahead of US eastern standard time… maybe 6pm wed for the east coast here and 3pm wed for west coast…. if I did my math right.
I believe energetically we have the ability to change the weather. Maybe that is a place to start…. with some steady rain. It is uplifting to see coverage of people caring for the displaced animals. They are so sweet and beautiful.
Hi DMJ,
thank you for your message.
I would love to have you involved in the healing. Please know if you can’t make it live truly doesn’t matter your energetic participation at any time even in the recording will be a powerful addition!
Much love to you DMJ
Mel 🙏💕💛
The personal insight that newly arose for me in this video has to do with the qualities present in what now presents itself as my self-partnering, such as it has been. Whereas, it turns out, that there are many layers of “self-partnering” of understandably egocentrically helpful but also self-confused and self-defeating quality. They have accrued as habit layers over the decades, beginning with the first 10 years of life, as ways of self-defending and self-restoring what was left of an already emattled self-identity and ego. They all involve some degree of negativity, such as back-ground strains of condemnation, visceral trebles of righteous disdain and specifically appointed, swift imaginary murders. Necessarily, they have also been accompanied by corresponding contrasts of self-goodness, self-crediting, and enforced self-salvation and self-cleansing andself-clarification (by the way, often including some saint-making self-sanctioning of victim-hood). How cleverly paradoxical and undetectable they once seemed, like the one that used not trusting to make relating productive. They waited intact in the shadows to come out and serve me, but I couldalso see (less trustingly) many of their healthy counterparts inside me, lit with the light from with-in self-aware, self-committed self-contact. It is great to spot these now, their having remained there as consciousness within unconscious. Already Ivlovingly turn toward my musty, tired old ones as the dotingly loyal and dedicated creatures of madness-in-residence they have been. Regardless of their syntonic righteousness they also appear sadly submissive to the prospect that I should one by one quantumly uproot and de-molecularize them down to their tips and capillary branches. What a wilderness garden they had made for me to run around in and (somewhat delusionally) restore myself. This seems to require a patient, understanding and equally dedicated and self-loyal process. Various forms of inner self-violence have been a part of them (related to the allowance of and perceived need for addition as well), so I don’t want to be cold-hearted. Really. I feel I can use the self love these recognitions evoke. For that pragmatic, consistently eager resource facilitating the better future of an internal, freezing writhe through the years. And, despite a natural conscience that admonished against the hazards involved, and despite however much damage and limitation I might have bestowed them with, these were the agents of my (in-trauma ideated) “self-partnering”. This is the insight. I feel I can use the self-forgiveness that this recognition evokes, since the parallel track has been to split away from myslef and my more positive self-rooted self-resources. I have detected these at times also, but didn’t know or have the peace of mind to know, or the self-possession to grasp or figure out how to apprehend them, or the trust to connect with them, or give them space, or use them. Thankfully, the un-splitting seems to be more anciently integral and waiting; its own sweetness tells me we always had forever. Someone said, the battles are forever; what counts is when you choose.
While I agree with these traits, it is also a disservice to victims.m to limit the traits to those that blame the victim. Woman who love psychopaths is a book that lists many more traits that do not blame the victim and are actually healthy traits with healthy people. Victims are prey who have super positive traits…forgiving, sentimental, see the best in others, optimistic, non judgemental and many more! I highly recommend that you review this chart of traits and coinciding traits in narcs that pairs, make a perfect storm. Actually some of the most whole women, lacking the traits you listed, are vulnerable because narcs look for these very positive traits! Not just the very negative ones you described.
Hi Cindy,
Thank you for voicing your opinion and I can totally understand why you see that.
First I’d just like to say that none of my Thriver recovery work and information is about blame, it is about awareness, evolution and taking personal responsibility to be able to heal the only person that we can – ourselves.
My truth, which is only my truth, is that I used to believe exactly the same thing. Yet, now I have a different perception, which is that we can have beautiful qualities and a warm giving heart as well as self-love and self-respect and healthy boundaries.
There are extremely capable, beautiful, giving people who will never get taken in by a narcissist. And of course countless many who have been targeted and succumb! in fact that was most of us here! Narcissists truly are interested usually in good, intelligent, giving people with lots to offer.
Thank goodness as a result of Thriver recovery, rather than having to shut down and be suspicious and guarded, because of being duped and abused, there is the ability to be openhearted and gracious and loving and yet still be able to fully honour ourselves – meaning have a difficult conversations, say no, and leave the situations and relationships that we know are no longer healthy for us.
We can evolve beyond self-sacrificial and painful love, into a love that must begin first within keeping the sanctity of her own inner being, coupled with keeping an open heart.
I feel so blessed and grateful that that is the life that I do live now.
I’d love to invite you into a deeper conversation about all of this, which you can access in my 16 day free course at http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie- thank you for answering Cindy so clearly. That was great clarification and I needed to hear that. I am very giving but to the point of self-sacrificing and neglecting my own needs- too much of a people pleaser. I end up depleted and sometimes resentful that others don’t take care of me (when I should be the one taking care of myself!) I don’t want to become a selfish rigid person, so this is good news. I can still be a giving person, but with boundaries to protect myself and ensure that my needs are met by myself. Looking forward to thriving with you in 2020! Thank you for all that you do!
It’s my pleasure Melissa!
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Everything in this article completely describes my life. 37 tears of this not knowing who I was and finally the violence became more threatening and at my age I knew I had to run to safety. First thing I wanted to do was run back because he would be sorry now and show me he loves me.
Thanks to my wise daughter this was not going to happen and she took me to a therapist. If anyone does not understand that you lose yourself entirely – this event proved it to me and my daughter.
The Therapist made me repeat after him “I have no husband and my marriage is over” – the instant he said that my mind literally shut down and went into refusal mode. My daughter said I slumped – went totally blank – lost all body posture – and became non responsive. I went immediately on suicide watch but this was not even the beginning. I had no personal identity to fall back on at all and could only function if my guide and carer was there to direct me and approve or disapprove.
11 years on now and lost everything I worked for through the courts because A narcissist plots this day from the beginning while you are plotting a way to get to counselling and get back together so don’t want to upset him.
Now I am fighting to have the funds to live – have a disability pension following the mental break down – op shop furnishings as opposed to the beautiful narcissistic preferred furniture I paid for and too ill to ever consider employment again.
DONT WAIT FOR 37 YEARS to believe your closest friends that you have sent off for their meanness. Read everything on Melanie’s page – join discussions – go to conferences – continue to have it proven to you that this damage to your psyche was perpetrated against you and there was never reciprocated love. You were the security blanket that could be dragged through the mud – torn apart – boiled and damaged and a couple of stitches here and there to make sure you kept holding together believing no one would ever want you. Only you need to want you in order to leave. My son is now connected to this site because we pass it on and our children are just as likely to follow one or the other of their parents.
Reply to Therese
At 55 I am only now feeling like I know and love who I am and what I do…..
Post January 6, 2020 at 1:32 pm
Married to a Narcissistic Alcoholic : (He felt I had to pay for all of the people in his life that caused him pain including (Father, Mother & Past Relationships !)
Yes you are exactly correct Therese… ..You have to work on yourself as well as honoring your higher power to help you “love yourself for who you are !” For years, I told myself , How could I have been so “naive” not to see any red flags before marriage ? Well, he knew I had a heart of gold with low self-esteem. I would be his perfect partner for better for him, for worse for me !!! They trick us to focus on their needs because they whisper sweet nothings into our ears when we are at our lowest point… The Narc has manipulated us by telling us lies of their bad relationships, parents leaving, BS of You are my Soul Mate, etc. Then once we take the bait, It becomes all about them and their needs. I am kicking my Narcissistic Alcoholic out the door soon. Spiritual Intervention caused him to hit a telephone pole instead of an innocent person or persons’..(Yes, He is fine !) He has been under the radar for years driving while intoxicated. I am a True Believer in Prayers! I asked my Loved ones whom had passed away and Higher Pwr to please protect me from his addiction and cause harm to none.. Well it happened !!! His Karma is now paying him a visit with an upcoming Court Appearance, Fines, Loss of License and Jail Time…. This will give me the necessary time to move his arse right out the door !!!
How Sweet it is !!!
Therese, I am proud of you too !!
Le
Thank you so much for this! Reading over this makes me feels so good because it reminds me how far I’ve come and I’m reminded that I’ve cut the chord, at least with romantic relationships! I’ve been thriving and have felt fully self partnered at times, but have been working on it being more consistent and cutting the core wound with my parents.
I recently not only avoided, but was no longer physically attracted to a (new) narcissist even although I was feeling vulnerable and living at my mums, I met with him because I trusted myself and wanted to face the fear and it felt like the experience really cut that physical attraction off at the core! It feels so good to be free!
I had done a LOT of work before coming to your course and it feels like the cherry on top that has really helped me with the final stages of self partnering with spirit! Thanks again! Eternally grateful! <3