Melanie Tonia Evans

Accepting The Losses Of Narcissistic Abuse And Aligning With What You Really Want

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 3
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

What do you REALLY want from life?

And I mean really….

Many of us had a firm idea of how our life would be at a certain stage of our life.

I have heard many people state “I really thought I would be happily married with kids and be financially secure by now”.

Yet at 35, 45, 55 or 65 life just didn’t turn out like that.

I used to think like this. I used to be devastated by this…but truly this was only when I believed those outcomes were my personal identity.

Now I look back at the ‘stuff’ and ‘destinations’ I thought I wanted, and realise that wasn’t it at all.

The purpose of this article is to help you align with the truth of ‘what you really want’, and help relieve the feelings that your worth, identity and life is now null and void because of what you haven’t got or didn’t achieve as a result of being narcissistically abused.


Striving From Fear

Often our motivation for ‘what we want’ emanates from a position of fear.

Such as “If I have enough money I won’t be scared of not having enough security”

“If I have a relationship I won’t be fearful of being alone”

“If I have a good career, people in my life will finally acknowledge my worth”, or

“If I don’t keep creating ‘more’ in my life, people will think I have nothing to offer. Other people will be more attractive or popular than me.”

Striving in this way is unfortunately generated from a fearful wounded centre of lack and fear.

And of course this is often ‘normal’, but is it effective?

Is it productive, and does it generate the results we want?

I have to say “No”, because when we are in fearful reaction to life – we are not effective co-creators with Source, Life and Wellbeing.

In fact we are snapped off from being effective co-creators.

It’s like trying to tune into a particular frequency when your dial is set to another channel.

When we are trying to source our life from a position of fear and lack, we don’t trust Life to nourish and support us. We don’t believe Life wants to grant us all the opportunities, openings and synchronicities to support our highest self and greatest capacities.

We haven’t opened up to energies and realities larger and more powerful than our own limited and fearful minds, and we don’t believe that Life wants us to be happy and fulfilled.

Fear is a product of the ego – which wants to keep you stuck in the position of separation, lack, finite resources, limitations and unworthiness.

Your ego convinces you that you have to struggle, fight for, feel empty, regret your position in life (it’s never good enough to feel safe, secure, loved and worthy) and this puts you on a never ending treadmill of ‘I’ll be happy, safe and secure when (fill in the gap….)’

Your ego makes sure the ‘when’ feels elusive (I’m not ‘good enough’ to really create that ), and if it does come then the feelings of ‘safe’ ‘secure’ ‘loved’ and ‘worthy’ are fleeting because self-perpetuated feelings of insecurity, or fear of loss, quickly creep back in.


The Losses of Being Narcissistically Abused

After narcissistic abuse many people lose out.

It’s almost unheard of for anyone to be narcissistically abused and come out the other side ‘prospering’. Narcissists pathologically feel aggrieved, wronged and entitled. They believe their own twisted reasoning, and that it was your fault.

Additionally narcissists are not ‘limited’ with a conscience and fight dirty to take all they can, brutally if necessary.

Waiting for a narcissist to ‘do the right thing’ or ‘come to his or her senses’ is akin to every country laying down their weapons and making peace.  The egoic fearful madness in this world just hasn’t evolved to that level yet.

If it feels right, absolutely release your emotional pain and fear, stand up for your rights, and walk the line of ‘justice’.

However, truly, if you feel you are selling your soul, at risk of remaining hooked in, or disrupted regarding moving forward in your life, you may want to consider whether or not rolling around in the filth is worth it.

In both of my narcissistic abuse experiences I decided it wasn’t, and I certainly don’t regret those decisions.


The True Understanding of the Losses

My decision to ‘let go’ (much faster after the second narcissistic abuse experience) and move forward was due to the orientation of asking myself:

What do I really want?

When we have been narcissistically abused, and do the recovery work this opens us up to a deep inner reflection of ourselves, life and what our purpose of ‘living’ is really about.

If we have the courage to apply self-reflection, this grants us the ability to understand that the way we were previously sourcing our life was fearful.

Narcissists appear to be strong, confident and ‘together’. They appear to be capable and a safe harbour to tie our ship to. We think that because the narcissist is in our life, we won’t have to weather the stormy fears of life anymore.

We think that an unsafe, finite, punishing world just became safe.

We think that the narcissist will compensate for our own insecurities, and our deep inner unworthiness of ‘not being good enough’ to generate life the way we would like to.

We believe the narcissist possesses the qualities that we don’t have, or would like to be.

That is the total illusion of narcissistic grandiosity, and our own insecurities fell for it  – despite our churning gut warning us otherwise.


The Security We Thought We Had

If you could sit back as I do at my computer and see the over-whelming evidence of how narcissists end up later in their life, I can assure you the apparent  ‘safe harbour’ and ‘being powerful and having it all together’ is in fact a house of cards that can only, and will only ever crumble.

No matter how much the narcissist tries to make you believe that they have moved and are having a great life I can assure you – he or she hasn’t.

The narcissist’s ego is taking him or her on a one way ticket to demise…because that’s exactly what egos do.

The ego is an insidious cancer which creates fear, pain, and anxiety and eventual annihilation. (Ironically exactly the things the ego convinces it is needed to provide safeguards against.)

Ultimately the karmic repercussions of conscienceless pathological living are not pretty.  Especially when the narcissist runs out of the ‘intelligence’,  ‘energy’ and ‘charm’ to keep lying and deceiving and keeping ‘one step ahead of the game’.

A narcissist’s distorted brain wiring breaks down, becomes psychotic and delusional, and any person with no grasp on reality ends up in a nursing home or an institution (or in a bunker killing themselves – think Hitler).

Consistently narcissists in later life have serious physical as well as mental illness (Parkinson’s disease is astoundingly common – look up the metaphysical reason for that manifesting), no money, no personal power, and very little if any personal connections or support.

The narcissist has intense self-loathing and loses the ability to source narcissistic supply to offset it. It becomes increasingly difficult for the narcissist to hold up his or her mask, and the narcissist’s true personality becomes visible for all to see.

Who chooses to visit old, insane, creepy person who behave disgustingly?

No one.

Narcissist’s get worse the older they get – the damage within them escalates with no relief, and I promise you if you saw the evidence I get consistently from the community (as well as older narcissists I personally know of) as well as understood the biological truth of brain damage as a result of pathological malfunctioning, you would NEVER envy the narcissist’s life or where it’s going to end up.

As Bon Scott once sang “I’m on a highway to hell’…

Truly, that hell is here and now for the narcissist, he or she is already in it – hence why the narcissist behaves the way he or she does.

A life of fear instead of love, severe distrust of self, life and others, and chronic inner self-rejection IS the pure living hell of an abuser’s true emotional state.

When you saw the grandiose front crack open – is when you were exposed to the truth.

The problem is: if our own ego is caught up in trying to source our life from an inner position of fear, then we are at risk of being a passenger on the narcissist’s “Titanic”. A much worse demise than we could have ever orchestrated on our own.

And that’s what this article is really about – getting off the sinking ship and into life the way you are meant to source it and live it.


Generating Life Authentically

It all gets back to these two emotions – fear and love.

If we are in reaction, fear and the beliefs of unworthiness that Life / Source / God is not connected to us and is not supporting us in the Infinite Field, then we are small, limited, empty and constantly disappointed.

We are trying to cling to and control circumstances, rather than letting go and letting Life and Creation flow through us.

This is exactly why we hang on to abuse. We have assigned another person as the Source / God / Life of all things – rather than establishing our own essential connection to the Infinite Field.

This is of course pandering to narcissism perfectly. Narcissism is an empty, insecure, vengeful, petty ‘False God’ demanding to be the Centre of Other People’s Universes in order to try to create significance.

This is the cycle we need to break to change our planet.

The more people who DO become connected to Source and the fullness of Life, the less ‘injured gazelles separated from the pack susceptible to be picked off by hyenas’ will exist.

When we are clinging to abuse and NOT letting go in order to connect healthily with Source / God / Life, we receive all of the pain and evidence which screams:

This isn’t working.

So what do we really want?

We REALLY want to be free to be ourselves FULLY, and we want to be sourcing Life through love.

We want to be connected to the field of Life, living enchanted as a result of the miracles (small and big) which support us every day, and experiencing the opportunities which abundantly arrive to support our highest self and the growth of our greatest capacities.

Because that is what Source / God / Life TRULY delivers EVERY day, if we show up with an aligned connected frequency.

These miracles provide the evidence of how we are expanding, how we are connecting to ourselves, Life and others, and how much Life loves us and is supporting our highest flourishing in every incredible way conceivable.

We even bless every breakdown, knowing it is the clearing away of an obsolete part of ourselves (ego) to allow the growth of the next breakthrough – and we are perfectly conscious of this.

That is delight. That is love. That is living.

That is how we feel alive.

Being alive has nothing to do with where you have come from or what you do or don’t have.

It has everything to do with who you are Beingright now.

There is an ever-growing movement on this planet from the insanity of darkness (ego self) into light (True God Self). It’s a battle of evil versus good.

Nothing encapsulates this more than being involved with narcissistic abuse – which is the very epitome of darkness (ego).

When we think of battles it may conjure images of manning or womaning up, putting on the combat gear and getting in the ring.

But this isn’t a battle of aggression and combat.

You can’t beat darkness by throwing more darkness at it.

You can ONLY eliminate darkness by becoming a personal force who starts connecting to light, generating your life through Source / God (whatever your understanding of a Higher Power is) and letting go and turning away from everything that is darkness (fake substitutes).

When someone throws a light switch on, darkness disappears.

Your personal responsibility to yourself, your loved ones and to all of humanity is to heal yourself enough to throw on your switch and glow it as brightly as you can.

If enough people did that – darkness could no longer exist.

I feel so blessed that I can be a part of this movement, and it inspires and urges me on every day when I see how many people in this community are emerging from the trance and realising that being narcissistically abused was the HUGEST wake-up call to move from the darkness (limited fearful egoic self) into the light (empowered True Self).

When you have been violated, polluted and enmeshed in that much darkness and painful illusions, you have to REALLY make every effort to crawl out and become light – absolutely.

It is the most courageous mission any human being can ever make.

Many people are transforming their lives to a level where their previous self becomes unrecognisable.

Yet ironically they are becoming MORE themselves than EVER before.


Becoming More of You

What does becoming ‘more of you’ mean?

It’s a development towards knowing your limited fearful self has no control of your life, and there is something much more powerful, loving and immense that operates through you which is really the Source Of All Life.

Last weeks’ article was all about reconciling your inner wounds, and why it is so essential to do that.

The transformation of emerging from the slumber is not an instant one. We don’t wake up one day, the lamp shade comes off our head and we state “I get it. I now feel delivered to the other side”.

The reason we don’t, is because we have a great deal of painful trapped emotions, faulty belief systems and inner agony to deal with. We feel cheated, destroyed, betrayed and often annihilated.

Little did we realise that the ‘wonderful life and person’ we thought the narcissist was – was really going to be our worst nightmare.

We also didn’t realise our original emotional injuries which caused us to be susceptible to narcissist abuse were going to get ripped open again – more dramatically this time in order to really GET OUR ATTENTION.

The resulting despair, depression, resentment and regrets keep us separated from the Infinite Field. The frequency of pain and fear tunes us into another channel.

The frequencies of fear and love are as extreme and as polar opposite as ‘living in hell’ or experiencing ‘heaven on earth’.

If we ignore agonised feelings, and instead try to continue sourcing life through fear and reaction to our inner pain (escalated now), our emotions and life get worse and not better.

Unfortunately many contemporary solutions involve trying to ignore, distract from or shut these emotions up so that we can continue to ‘function’, but don’t really offer the true solution.

The only true solution is to turn toward these painful emotions – not away from them – in order to transform them.

Not just the wounds incurred in narcissistic abuse, but also the old unfinished business that led us there in the first place.

Piece by piece when we free our subconscious (the screaming emotions) of this pain, a space opens up in our body and heart – and as that space opens up so it does in our minds.

Then what follows is our inherent wisdom of how we are connected to all of Life.

Within our DNA we are ALL coded to know this, it’s just our programming, our ego and accumulated wounds have kept us operating, struggling and flailing within the illusions of separation – the emotions of fear, and beliefs / evidence of lack of support and unworthiness.

To experience the natural phenomenon of connectedness is what it means to become more fully ourselves.

It’s the emancipation of becoming free of the pain, and dissolving the fear and the futility of trying to control conditions outside of us in order to try and feel loved, safe or worthy.

This then grants us the ability to open up, connect through our heart to Life, and accept Life’s flow of wellbeing, love, opportunities and beauty to flow back through us.

That is the reality of our true power and how we ARE coded into the ecology of life, and when we become this connection we realise Who We Really Are.

Then we look back at who we were being and that person has become a complete stranger.


The Pervasive Arguments of the Ego

The ego convinces us that to stop creating and sourcing life through fearful reaction, and to let go of needing to control outside circumstances leaves us vulnerable and exposed to loss.

The ego convinces us through all forms of distorted thinking and self-created manifestations that we can’t function or accumulate love, worth or security unless we compete, model ourselves to ‘fit in’, and guard ourselves.

The ego states “Work the room – be everything everyone needs you to be to get what you want”

Our Infinite Intelligence connected to Life sourcing through love and connection states (in the words of Marianne Williamson) “All you need to do is show up, and then ‘open your heart, your mind and your mouth’.”

This means – be yourself.

Your True Self.

This is significant – this is vital, and when you ARE authentic, when you are aligned with your highest and most truest orientation – Life responds to you as love, connection, worthiness, flourishing and power.

True power…

Authenticity is not weakness, and it is not a pushover. Authenticity is not needy, empty or dependent, and there aren’t fears of rejection, criticism or abandonment creating further maladaptation.

Authenticity is Source / God / Life working through us.

Source / God / Life is ‘full’, it is already a complete system.

Why would Source / God / Life need to self-abandon, lie, hide, deceive or ‘people-please’ in order to try to ‘get’ something?

Something that it already ‘is’?

Authenticity is – God Godding.

Compare this to the ‘False God’ of narcissism – which is ego personified.

It is the neediness, the insecurity and the childish wounds and lack of emotional development which causes the petty, demanding, entitled, manipulative and immature behaviour – purely because the ego does NOT feel whole, worthy or connected to the infinite support and love of Life.


What Do You Really Want?

You REALLY want to be yourself – the True You. Because that is WHERE love, joy, flourishing and being who you came to be REALLY is…

Anything else is ‘looking for love in all the wrong places’.

I would love to hear your comments in regard to this article…

P.S Speaking of love, I will be sharing a part two series about my recent dating experiences (I can’t wait to share this with you – pretty revealing!) next week on my Empowered Life and Love newsletter. If you haven’t yet subscribed, you can do so here.

I will be applying the topics discussed in the last two articles to this two part series!


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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97 Thoughts on Accepting The Losses Of Narcissistic Abuse And Aligning With What You Really Want
    February 12, 2014

    Perfect timing for me to read this. I was doing so well and it felt like out of nowhere I was hit with the loneliness and this isn’t how my life was supposed to be, feelings. I did modules and could feel the positive shift again, but it’s always good to reinforce and isn’t it awesome how the universe always gives us what we need. Thank you Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Laurie,

      I am glad the article is timely for you.

      You’re on the right track, keep releasing the painful feelings, and you will be liberated.

      We can so easily not do the work, and try to ‘deal with’ the pain rather than transforming it…

      Keep shifting – that is the fast-track answer to uncover the True You!

      Yes, Laurie ‘the field’ adores us and supports us constantly. We just need to clear enough ‘junk’ to be connected!

      When it comes up, that’s the time to go inside – find, claim and release it – and then you go upwards to the next level.

      You’re doing great 🙂

      Mel xo

        February 12, 2014

        As usual a very timely and excellent article Melanie. I am slowly waking up to the fact that not only was I raised by a narc mother but I am coming to realise that I am also married to one and have been for 35 years. How scary is that! It’s so difficult for me to break away and the tears keep rolling by. Things don’t get any better but what I find I am tending to do is live a detached sort of life amongst these two narcs. I don’t know if this is a long term solution but it keeps me sane and reading your articles helps support me and consider my next course of action. What do you suggest because to walk away means I will lose everything I have built up over my life.

          February 13, 2014

          I have an almost identical experience to Lauren; “raised”, if you can call it that, by a narc mother and married for 20 years to a narc man and trying to do the detached living thing (although I have completely cut off from my mother). I know that I am codependent but desperate to get away from my husband. Reading these articles and comments, it at least helps to know it’s not just me living this kind of a life.

          February 23, 2014

          after 37 I had enough-I have been on my own now 2 years and only wish i had done it sooner. The law will help you get 1/2 of what you have built togther-no matter how often he swears they won’t and you will find livng on your own a FREEDOM you never imagined. I have lost 60 pounds and my health isues have disappeared.Oh the years I wasted…but no more wasting MY life! Good Luck to you!

        December 22, 2016

        During my relationship with my narcistic husband I discovered after the discard, which was confusing in itself and another opportunity for crazy making, that whilst I was incompasitated my husband raped me, took a picture of it and submitted that picture to a porn site. How I figured this out is yet another disturbing story.
        I am struggling with whether or not I should report it. After July 11, 2017 it will be a mute point because of the laws in my state.
        His last wife accused him of rape but that was after the discard so he convinced everyone that she was crazy.
        Any instite would be appreciated

      February 12, 2014

      Hi Laurie. Also perfect timing for me as I am also struggling with a form of loneliness and was even tempted to phone my ex-Narc, who I haven’t had contact with this year.
      @ Melanie. Don’t know how to comment directly on this post, but just a huge ‘thank you’ is in order. I wish you were in South Africa.

      February 18, 2014

      Morsels of Gold!! Melanie this is awesome! I will read it over and over again there is so much to learn here! You truly have a gift and are a gift! Perfect timing as many have said. I have been working from a position of fear and it just makes me spiral down…not up..of course! I lived alone in NYC, spent 18 yrs of holidays alone, volunteering with my dog for pet therapy on holidays as I have no family. Breaking up with the narc in my life to me, meant going back to being alone…but being alone was better than being with him! Being with me, is so much better once I kick fear out of the way. Thank you Melanie for this article. What a blessing!! I cannot wait to read your article on dating!! Have a lovely day-Alexandra

    February 12, 2014

    Why do we have these self imposed time limits of what we are supposed to have in life? Our society teaches uc that we are not good enough unless we achieve these external accomplishments. We are not taught that love is inside of us. It is the evolving conscious mind that can recognize this dissonance and seek to reunite with our source. Until we can know in our being that we are unlimited we will be forever in the chains of pain. It is a choice everyday to align ourselves with the truth and have the strength to reject that which is not.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Joy,

      because that is the illusion we have all been modelled to believe.

      Fear and unworthiness has been a powerful force on this planet.

      Agreed 100%, until we connect back to the truth of Who We Are – it hurts…and the further we are away from the truth – the more it hurts.

      This IS a journey of ‘coming home’.

      Thank you for your post Joy.

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    Hi. I am beginning to have the light on more often. I am in a horrendous situation, Stuck in the USA until June, moved here for my husbands job, on his visa. He has reduced my money to what he thinks I should have etc etc etc etc. However my divorce papers arrived today, which I have given to a legal service, I cannot wait for them to serve them to him. I have a 4 month wait before I can return home with the kids, I sit I wait. However I am planning my future, my career. I was a stay at home mum for 9’years. I am feeling excited, optimistic , it’s going to be tough. I do have some dark days but they are getting less and less. I know I am a good person, a kind, hardworking, loving person . I know he is not. I have given up trying to understand why, I never will understand, I don’t want to understand . I am concentrating on me now, my kids, my future. I want to start to stop looking for answers I am tired and bored of it. I am finding joy in the things I do, finding joy in my small but great job, finding joy in my kids and friends my family. Life is getting better and better. It’s a long road a few months ago I was a mess, not eating , sleeping, not living. Now I am, I walk, I talk, I read, I donot t react to his pathetic games. As I read somewhere on this site, he is the fire and I am his fuel, I’m not giving him any more fuel, I need it for me. He has a new love of his life, I can see exactly where that is going, just glad that is not me.. The light is getting brighter and stronger.

      Kathy Sellers
      February 12, 2014

      Bravo Gail. You are very brave to be doing what you are doing. Best of luck for your future and that of your kids.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Gail,

      that is wonderful that you have detached from him, and are pouring energy into creating you.

      That is key..

      Well done, and much love and strength on your journey of your True Self.

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    Another great article, I don’t every want to think revengeful thoughts, as that doesn’t help you recover. But when I read this lovely piece of information of how these people end up, it made me feel better. They parade themselves around like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths and are so happy, I tend to get very dismayed, especially after the hateful cruel personalities they have developed. So thanks Mel, as usual you seem to bring things up when I get a bit down. I would never consider going back to more of the same, and your programs and e-books have saved me from hell. My Blessings to everyone,
    Jan xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Jan,

      I am glad you enjoyed the article 🙂

      It is so important to lose the pain of judgment. Because to flourish we must be ‘love’, we have to be free of negative energy…

      Life can’t co-create miracles with us when we are clogged up with anything other than love.

      I like to look at it like this: Wish everyone the best…and truly if narcissists did atone, did do the work, then they would create happy lives…

      And wouldn’t we all love that to be the case?

      Truly we can have compassion (knowing they are traumatised children in adult’s bodies) and wish them the best…

      And then stay away knowing the darkness just is NOT our reality…

      Love is the truth, and we are here to embody and model it…

      Mel xo

    Kathy Sellers
    February 12, 2014

    Me too Melanie,
    Just like Laurie, it was a timely article. It is an important bit of knowledge, not only for victims of Narcissistic abuse, but anyone who is feeling depleted from lifes agonies. It once again reinforces the two different sides of ego. We need our own ego to love ourselves but not to be used to manipulate others. I feel refreshed from reading it, especially the heading. Accepting the losses is so important and realigning with our true selves and our needs is so much more important. Thanks for the inspiration to look after me having spent my whole life looking after others!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Kathy,

      I really do like to differentiate between ego and healthy ‘self’. Because the way I use the word ‘ego’ – is about the part of ourselves that is NOT healthy self-love and self-acceptance – in fact it is the total opposite – deep unworthiness – thus trying to source ‘anything’ from the outside to feel better and more acceptable.

      I believe our AUTHENTIC self-worth is the seeing ourselves as Source / God / Life sees us – unconditionally loved and loveable – NOT because of what we are or aren’t doing, or have or haven’t achieved – but LOVEABLE simply for WHO WE ARE.

      That is TRUE love and worthiness.

      I totally 100% believe that concept and DEEP truth comes through a power much greater than ourselves – because human consciousness (before connecting to Source / a Higher Power) just does NOT have that level of comprehension.

      That is why we all need to evolve to a level of consciousness much greater than our limited mind to truly be free from mental and emotional self-abuse.

      I am thrilled you now know it is NOT selfish to align with looking after you..

      In fact for all of us – it is NOT loving others when we interact with them from a depleted and empty wounded centre.

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    Good on you Gail, well done, keep being strong and happy with your family and friends – your on the right road. Cheers to you.

    Irene Madrid
    February 12, 2014

    Excellent article! So, divorce for me meant I was kept from dying. I have learned to stand up to the narc at business meetings. I have even stood up to my one daughter who doesn’t ‘get it’ and still tries to use me up while saying I should stick to my boundaries. Ironic. I love my business, I love my grandchildren. I have only wonderful friends. No garbage there. I enjoy my own company a ,to. So~~~why do I think something is lacking? I don’t feel the need to fulfill the cultural lifestyle but-what-is-itI-am-looking-for? I am keeping open and exploring.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Irene,

      Thank you – and I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      What you can do is set an intention of surrender to the field..

      “Show me and use me for your highest good and my true purpose”…

      That truly does bring on ‘what it is that you are looking for’…

      What you have to do in order to surrender at this level, is reconcile that your deepest wishes and greatest joy IS Divine Will, it is one and the same..

      (It TRULY is..)

      What is SO interesting about our life and journey, is that what ‘we thought we wanted’ was often fear based and limited desires, and not the truth of our heart and soul at all…

      Are you ready for the ride Irene, because you can take it!

      It means setting the intention (Goal Setting Module) and then clearing all the ‘breakdowns’ your ego throws at you to prevent your highest flourishing, so that you can flow forward into the ‘breakthroughs’. If you ask and you are serious about this – Life will RUSH to you everything that will line you up with your highest and truest purpose.

      All you need to do is have your heart, mind, ears and eyes open, and say “Yes” – and know that when the opportunities DO appear (and they will in abundance).

      IF your ego has a foot in the door it will come up with every excuse for you to say “NO”…

      That is why now everyday I meditate, stay connected and keep affirming ‘What would you have me do today?”

      That way I keep connected in and saying “yes”..and keep diligently CLEARING anything that my ego throws at me.

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

        February 12, 2014

        Well said, Mel. It helps to know that you too need to clear the ego pulls as part of the human condition. It truly is a work in progress for us to stay on our path of authenticity and connection to the truth of divine love. What a wonderful support system you have created for others who are on the same path. I am continually working on myself to create a higher vibrational frequency that attracts the good stuff. Some days it is harder than others, and I am opening up to find the answers to my life purpose.

    February 12, 2014

    This article came at such the right time. Seeing what seems to be my ex husband succeeding after everything that he did to me was getting me down.
    All the things I wanted from my marriage he is now scrambling to do with his new partner, renovated the house, spending time with the kids doing fun things which he never did before (I can only assume it is to impress the new girlfriend, going on holidays. Has become my brothers best friend (and they never got on before we split a year ago) Though my brother and I weren’t close it hurts. Not once in the last year has my brother asked me what happened or asked me whatever my ex said was true, but now he flies in from the mines and spends weekends with him my boys and my nephew. The pain is sometimes hard to bare. It is so hard to get the negative talk out of my head after 13 years of constant psychological abuse. And I just can’t walk away because we have kids.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Heidi,

      I am sorry you are going through such a hard time.

      This is exactly what it feels like to be narcissistically abused, when we have not as yet done the work to heal ourselves.

      Feelings and deep pain of victimisation simply create and bring more evidence of ‘being victimised’…(and betrayed, etc. etc. etc. etc. ) without much (if any) relief. That’s what emotional belief systems do – generate the validity of their ‘truth’ with Life.

      If we are on the inside (in our emotions) looking outside of ourselves at the narcissist and what he is doing, watching all this mounting evidence and deciding on ‘life, us and others’ from that observation, it IS incredibly painful, powerless and self-defeating.

      And it can be a spiral down into a deep, black hole.

      What we need to do is be on ‘the inside’ and THEN turn inwards to ourself determinedly, and find those hurt and traumatised pieces of ourself and work on healing them.

      When we do this, we experience relief, we become empowered and we realise that the person who was devastating us is NOT our source of life – because WE are whole and we ARE connected to ALL ELSE in the field of life (unlimited potential and possibilities) that is NOT that person.

      But it takes the inner work to evolve to that level.

      It takes releasing and transforming the trauma, and emotional agony (which is significant in narcissistic abuse) out of our body to have the ‘space’ inside us to ‘bring in’ that level of knowing.

      This doesn’t happen if we stay victimised.

      My highest suggestion for you Heidi is the NARP program, so that you can do that inner work and shift out of pain. It is the one method in this community which has created incredible recovery for 1000s of people, because it is the step-by-step process to recover…

      Hugs and strength.

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    this happens each time you write a column melanie….it always resonates with me in the deepest sense… matter what the topic……
    i just asked myself last night what do i really want? i have had nc for 2 years….i thought i just wanted to be safe, peaceful and calm……i have surrounded myself with people who validate and appreciate me….that feels good for one of the first times in my life…..
    there is a fellow, he is married, we are friends, from a distance, through him he has opened my heart and soul….knowing that someone can like me and listen to me and not criticize or deflate me has been eye opening….i know that relationship is unworthy of me. (being married,that is)…i need to have a man who is available and who can be a true partner ….i came to that realization last night….for the first time i admitted that i needed a partner in my old age….i am 65, and i need to act on that i realize there is no man on a white horse to save me..i had to save myself from my npd husband, and now i have to save myself and find some love…..does that make sense….thank you melanie for all that you have given me…i don’t always get it the first time around….after awhile it all resonates as the truth…..with blessings and gratitude

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Lauren,

      I love the connection we have!

      This is wonderful that you are working out what you REALLY want – fabulous.

      Ok, next week’s article will really help you! You will love it, because it will help you set intentions, and then be prepared to ‘be’ that truth and align with it…

      You are SO going to breakthrough into being the creator of divine love…

      I can feel it Lauren, it is your time!

      Lauren, you are completely and utterly welcome!

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    Your timing is nothing short of miraculous fate..
    Over and over again. I just got an absurd email from the narc.. Fiending attention.. And I literally have to force myself to not respond to the absurd things he says. But.. FINALLY.. After 19 months, and he is the 2nd kind of this type in a row!!!, I KNOW what he is, I KNOW there is no making him get it… But the beauty
    In all of that.. Is that I have learned so much about
    Myself. I wont blame all of it on him.. Which was always my pattern in previous relationship.. And looking back.. I think I attract one narcissist after another.. But I see that I ALLOW them in, I continue the realtionship.. Then I try
    To blame and shame them for all the wrong I tolerate! Now if that isnt self defeating! And it is all about my ego.. And by golly ” you will do right by me” We fall in love with what we want them to be.. But you cant make a wounded person such as a narcissist be anything else. I get it. Yet.. I do feel sorry for him. We must choose… Who’s life is worth more? Mine or the narcissists.. I say it mine!! Thank you melanie for continuing to put your heart and soul into these articles.. I know how much they help me. Even though I just had another relationship like this.. I am growing.. And had I never stumbled across your website, I may have continued this pattern of shame, blame, and allowing myself to be abused for many more years. Im very close to my breakthrough!! Thanks Melanie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Melanie,

      I am so glad this helped…

      You will find if you do the deeper inner journey (NARP) that you will get a cellular shift at your DNA belief system level – which is REALLY thorough if you know you have deep patterns of abuse…

      These relationships are way TOOOO painful to risk repeating, which can SO easily happen if we haven’t cleaned up what we need to…

      (It happened to me….)

      Many, many people have fallen into that trap REGARDLESS of the cognitive information and even understanding they have gained of their own patterns..

      Information alone is NOT a cellular deep Inner Identity shift of ‘beingness’ – which is the real deal…

      (Ok enough on that lecture..!)

      You are very welcome Melanie – and I would also strongly suggest BLOCKING any contact.

      It makes it so much easier to focus on growth and development and to keep going forward into your TRUE life.

      He is no longer your reality (or Source of anything) – YOU are!

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    Hello beauty! I am writing today with much joy and sadness and curiosity….what a combo! My precious daughter, addicted to meth, addicted to her father, is in a mental ward and has been for over a week. It has been hard and sad and deeply felt to watch her in such despair. I have been doing much surrender and releasing work, and deep intercession prayer for her true and soulful self to be healed and restored. My heart longs for it for her, and I surrender the out come daily, and feel much grief as her state of mind is very weak. But i will not give up hope! I do accept that her choices are hers.

    The joy today is in watching my other beautiful daughter growing and emerging and forging her own path. The contrast baffles me.

    I am also curious because I am working for a highly narcissistic man, not enjoying my work, and asking that God help me find new empowered steps in the direction that fulfills my purpose. This was my day, and then I checked my email and there you were asking, what do you really want???

    The timing is perfect, and thank you once again. I don’t have all my answers to that question but I do know I want to love and be loved, I want my children to be whole and I want to contribute to life….that is all for today! Many blessings.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Ruth,

      thank you for your post – and much love from myself and the community at this time.

      You are taking a very powerful path, surrender – asking for intervention and ‘allowing’ the outcome to be what it needs to be.

      My ‘gut’ on this is your daughter is exactly where she needs to be right now – and this ‘bottom out’ was exactly what was meant to happen to bring her to this place.

      I feel she has hit the bottom (and she needed to), and miracles can happen now…

      Write about and ‘see’ her as well, and finding her Inner Self and Truth and True Power…because truly I think she is about to…

      I feel a big shift for you and your life.

      Blessing to you dear lady, and thank you for yours.

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    Wow,the ego.I was just thinking about how my ego gets in my own way sometimes.Currently struggling through a 2 year relationship break up with a true narcissist. I am just starting to see through the fog. He has already started or has been involved with someone.When I go to that place in myself,my (ego) place, I get so jealous and furious how easily I was replaced. All the promises,future plans,and lie’s, all were just a illusion. Still heart breaking to say the least.I, too feel going through this, is painful at best,but I do believe there is something better awaitng.My consent work right now is to stay strong, and work through the hard and lonely moments. Its impossible not to miss the person you spent your life with for 2 years,but I know everyday we get a little stronger.Im going to keep following your wonderful message, and soon purchase your program, when I get above water(after being left with bills he promised to pay) Bitter,sweet, for sure! With love and appreciation for all you bring to this every so true,narcissist needed knowledge Gracie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Terri,

      it is wonderful you are breaking through the illusions and into the truth.

      And that truth was – for ALL of us – we had a much greater purpose and truth to connect to, and because we weren’t in our power and were instead trying to source it through another person – we discovered the results.

      Incredibly painful…

      It is so common for narcs to move on – and he is now with someone else who needs to learn this important lesson too..

      It is scary when we don’t as yet know ‘how to’ source life genuinely through ourselves – BUT when we realise the truth (that we need to)and make our development our highest and true mission…

      …Then it all becomes astoundingly clear and rewarding.

      It seems you are on your way Terri, and don’t let your ego give you excuses not to take the necessary journey…

      THAT is so important!

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    I would like to elaborate on this subject. My personal journey of healing started with gaining a better understanding of narcissism, which led to an easier way of releasing the pain I was experiencing so I can clearly focus on my inner repair process. I am now able to look at my ex with pity instead of fear. Once I
    began to let go what never belonged to
    me to begin with, it felt so liberating. I now feel like thanking him in a way that as horrific as it was, not only has my experience saved me, but I am now rebuilding with the recognization of

    tremendous courage I obtained and
    managed to utilized to heal. Reaching out
    for counseling and guidance saids alot.
    Just finding a safe place to express
    locked up thoughts and feelings was huge
    for me. Trust escaped me and now it’s
    become my best friend. I am learning to
    trust myself now and it’s become my
    focus. My identity was corrupted, exposed
    and stomped on. But now my curiosity of
    life is starting to bud. This attitude, as I
    have learned, is the only option I have at
    this point and I accept that. Where I use to
    walk for the sole purpose of escape, I can
    slow down and embrace my
    surroundings. When you live a life walking
    on eggshells for many many years like I
    have, you become programmed to think
    this is the way to live. And it was the
    ONLY way to live at the time because I
    was in constant survival mode, not living
    mode. Now that I cut the cord and broke
    the chain of abuse, I feel calm in my own
    skin for the first time in a very long time. Sometimes I feel strange but I am now recognizing that and really allowing myself to be in that feeling. I know now the importance of it. I owe it to myself where I missed out. It’s gonna feel strange and I’m ok with that. Whereas prior, I had to room in my head for that cause I was so consumed with other crap. Yes, crap. I can laugh now. I make jokes now. My ex is now “numb nuts” . I say it, laugh about it, and let it go. Too bad, so sad. It gives great pleasure to feel pity for numb nuts but I no longer dwell on it. So to give readers some hope, time and trust for yourself does pay off. It’s rewards are the peace and calmness you have been searching for your entire life. Reep the rewards and don’t let him or her take another day away from you because it now belongs to you and you only. Curiosity for what’s around the corner is now your thought for the moment if any. It saids alot and it’s called life. The life that you so deserve to give to yourself. The life that’s waiting for you to live.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Denise,

      that is wonderful that you have regained trust in life, and you are back in life and living the life you wish to live.

      You have done a fantastic job..

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    At 54 years old and after 22 years with a narc, we divorced. I got to the point that I didn’t pay attention to her anymore. I just learned that nothing I did, said or thought could change anything. She took me for everything I had worked for my entire life and I was left on the verge of homelessness. I was so discouraged that I didn’t care if I lived or died. I lost my job at the same time. My parents at that time needed some home care, so I moved back in and I cared for my parents for 4 years till they both passed on. It was a good time, we did a lot of healing together. They willed their home and possessions to me and suddenly I found myself much better off than the narc. Soon she threatened to throw me into prison trying to blackmail me to get my property. She failed and that made me feel that for the first time in decades I had triumphed. I craved revenge for so long, I know its not a good thing. But she is getting older and her future looks like hell, more than what she gave me. I feel sorry for her.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Stephen,

      you have definitely experienced quite a ride, and what you did endure was awful.

      It’s great that life has turned around for you now so much…and so wonderful that you got to have healing with your parents before they passed.

      I personally now how incredibly fulfilling it is to achieve that..

      The problem with feelings of revenge is they eat up the person feeling them, and they block people from the miracles, beauty and flow of life…

      I hope for you, you can let go and truly live…

      Life handles all the other details..

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    Dearest M
    As ever your blog resonates so very deeply and encapsulates all of my thoughts and dreams and desires.
    I am shifting so fast it’s almost scary -running through the back catalogue of my life and knowing where my ego took hold -and when with my N -took control.
    I was not me at all -not for 12 years .
    And I knew it every day -somewhere inside of me the atoms collided-begging me to listen -but I wouldn’t .
    I was scared to.
    And then I lost everything -as you do. Business/ home/ job/ status/ relationship / sanity !
    Only to find -thanks to you -my true self – ( well I’m on the journey)
    Now I have met someone who is a true guide for me.
    He says we are not meant to be in a full on committed sexual relationship et al but in a heartfelt one .
    I am listening and wondering at myself that my old neediness is not jumping out -that I can soothe myself
    That I can feel solid .
    I have so much to learn -but have come so far,
    And your thoughts have been so helpful , so instrumental to me -never more so than today.
    Thank you xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Jennifer,

      That is wonderful you are coming home into your own body and being a Source to you – and not get taken over by the overwhelming feelings of neediness anymore…

      I really want to say – be very clear with ‘what’ this relationship is about…it seems like you could have desired an intimate sexual relationship, he doesn’t – but what does he mean?

      Just so you have clear boundaries and feel comfortable – without there being feelings of ‘maybe more’, something withheld, or something unwholesome.

      For some reason it feels a little ‘uneasy’ to me…

      Mel xo

        February 19, 2014

        Dear Jennifer,
        I just wanted to echo what Mel says – I too felt distinct unease when I read what you wrote. He is foreclosing the possibility of ‘full’ relationship which could be a power play. Be true to yourself and look for what you want. If you are happy with just friendship, then that’s wonderful. xx

    February 12, 2014

    What a wonderfully uplifting message, I lost everything at the end of my relationship, everything that is except for my integrity, skills & innate giftedness, coming out of narcissistic abuse was exactly as you describe it, ” crawling out of the darkness back into the light” I was so broken & devastated, my soul was guiding me out of the relationship by inspiring me to take a new direction & to become my most authentic self, my spiritual practice was lifting me out of a deadlocked situation in which I had been totally “stitched up” by my ex, he must have been appalled that I was no longer making him the centre of my world, & that I was striving to reclaim my self & my independence, as the impetus grew within me to be much more of who I really was instead of the object I had been reduced to by years of narcissistic conditioning & manipulation, he became increasingly threatened & more abusive. In the end he came on side with my project of starting a retreat centre in the wilds of Alentejo, which was extremely out of character, looking back I can now see that this was only so that he could create a neat twist to the end of the relationship, such as you want independence & equality well here it is & Bam I was abandoned, & betrayed for a younger model without a word of warning. His N. behaviour did indeed get worse as he aged to the point where he became completely amoral. The last 4 years have been a journey back to myself a journey into truly loving myself, especially when I’m feeling the loss, the anger, & the deep grief of losing so much including someone who had in happier days been the love of my life. My life isn’t easy but it’s all mine to do all I can with, I don’t have to deal with the distorted projections of anyone else’s unresolved issues, no matter what happens I have developed an unconditional positive regard for myself, the isolation & solitude has opened my heart to other people in a way I could never have imagined, to walk through a busy railway station at rush hour in the heart of London immersed in the heaving sea of humanity & feel nothing but love for my fellow human beings last week will remain with me as a “peak experience” for the rest of my life. I still love my ex I always will he had great qualities & was wise in his way, but his avoidance of dealing with his core wounding & it’s projection on to others will mean that will continue to drive people away as he drove me away & as he drove the other women who had loved him & done their best to understand the conundrum. One thing that I can’t quite understand is about the mirror that all relationships are supposed to provide, & I can get it that the wounding is very similar, but does this mean to be simplistic, that all of us who have gone through the experience of N. abuse are also on some level a narcissist too ? with Love & thanks Jyoti xx

      February 13, 2014

      What a beautiful vignette of being in the crowded railway station and the connection to peace and your inner core. I had an experience like that: I was in a museum room by myself contemplating a painting and sitting on a bench. You could hear a pin drop. Suddenly this divine din of crazy children’s voices rose up out of nowhere, and an entire class was swarming the room, the bench, and me, literally flopping over and around me physically as I was sitting there!! Then the teacher called them all into the next room and in another raucous din, they were gone. I love being present to those moments in life!! The field rushed in and embraced me and made me laugh in my solitude!

      As you are thinking about what attracted a N relationship to you, it might help to think about how you were feeling about yourself deep down before the relationship began. Melanie’s ebooks are a phenomenal exposition of this process. It doesn’t mean you are a narcissist. I highly recommend the ebooks and all the information on this site as well as NARP. love to you Jyoti!


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Jyoti,

      I adore that ‘high point’. That is huge that you have released enough pain to feel connected, loving and safe…

      After suffering from agoraphobia, I agree – it IS soooo divine to feel open, flowing, connected to Life and joyful for just ‘being’.

      That is bliss, that is Oneness.

      Well done 🙂

      In regard to your question “Is everyone narcissistic?”….I guess it is to do with the context of narcissism we are discussing.

      What we are discussing in this community is the healing from narcissistic abuse – which is about sociopaths.

      What is the one defining element of a sociopath?

      The answer is ‘Being conscienceless’.

      Therefore anyone who has an operating and consistent conscience is NOT a narcissist.

      The human condition however is one of dire disconnection. Disconnection to Source / God /Life, to ourselves and others.

      We have ALL been taught to Source Life through ‘form’, ‘conditions’ and ‘outcomes’.

      We all believed we were worthy for what we achieved instead of Who We Are.

      That is the ‘gap’ we all need to heal – everyone who choses to see and align with the truth.

      Non-sociopathic human beings have the ability to heal that gap.

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    Hi, this relates to me and what I am afraid off!! Having been married twice to 2 narcs and now engaged to the biggest narc off them all!!! I am worn out and seem to be just settling for peace and quiet! The situation as you know is that he left last February and I started reading your pages and did the no contact!! I think that worked but not for me for him as he now appears and just stays when it suits him! He provides me with card to use and I have continued using it for shopping and taking an amount each week which have done for the last 7 years! I feel bad that I am living in his house and using his money but what else can I do? I have two grand kids who come over and stay and couldn’t face upheaval! I am worn out! I work three days a week and I am not prepared too work anymore too support myself better! Why should I?’!! He left and at moment he appears for dinner twice maybe three times a week and stays maybe one night a week! Says he is coming back but never happens and I too book our holiday where we always go for may! I just say whatever! I couldn’t afford a house or somewhere else to live and am happy in our home when he isn’t here!!! Which is most off the time! Yeah Ano it will come to an end at some point but I am not taking the decision to end it! He will have too!! If he does come back I also know within a few weeks I will not be able to be with him as I know will go back to way it was as he will not change! Do not know why I am so scared but all I know is don’t have the energy at 47 to start again with nothing! I am enjoying living here with peace and my grand kids visiting and my golf and gardening and relying on his cash to do the things that make me happy and he isn’t complaining as I never abuse his card! How long this goes on for who knows but at the moment have no strength to change things!! So fear and scared and no strength relates too me! Until something clicks into place this will continue for me and no amount off chat about realising etc will change circumstances with the way I feel!!! I can’t make decisions on much and feel that best not to do anything but continue here so long as I am happy here on my own!!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Jo,

      I truly don’t believe there is any ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer to any of this.

      There is only what ‘does’ or ‘does not’ serve us in relation to who we are and what we stand for in life.

      And we always have a choice, even though we feel we may not.

      So these are your choices…

      1) Stay and stand for wanting material security, and make peace with putting up with an unwholesome relationship.

      2) Leave because you decide an unwholesome relationship is not for you, honour yourself emotionally and know you will need to create your own security.

      3) Stay and don’t find peace and inner reconciliation and be tormented.

      If you make decision 1 or 2, then you need to align yourself with those choices.

      Decision 3 (non-decision) is not a great option….for obvious reasons.

      You may also wish to consider that whenever our survival and security is dependent on another being (especially when they are questionable) we are indeed living precariously. It is very hard for our soul to be at peace.

      I hope that is food for thought…

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    Hi Melanie-
    I am very thankful for this article. I have been subscribed and following your website since August and every time I receive a new one, it’s like you wrote it for me! I am amazed however, at how many people are going through the exact same thing as me at this very time!

    I asked my husband and stepdaughter (both narcissists) to leave for a while because to spite all of the convincing that my husband was feebly attempting to use on me that things would change and that he wanted a life with me, I have truly felt underneath it all, that it was just his way of controlling me and manipulating me. He admitted just a week before that he really didn’t know if he wanted this life, but had made little/no attempt to figure it out. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, because this is my second marriage, my kids live with us and I have desperately tried to make this work for 5 years. In three weeks we will reassess, and I have already put out boundaries and conditions to him for their return, but I have had this KNOWING feeling that if they come back, I will have to continue the fight, and in the process, will lose everything that I have learned that I want, which is happiness, peace, CONNECTION and my true being. This brings back all of that fear that paralyzed me after realizing what kind of people they really are.

    Thanks for reminding me that fear is so much the opposite of love, and that living from this place is like putting up road block after road block in your own life-I have been there so many times. It is incredibly hard to stay the course of happiness and love and to TRUST that who I am is enough to provide the life I want for myself and my kids. This article has truly put me back on track-thank you!

    What made me finally do it? The realization that

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Sherry,

      I am so glad you found my resources, and that my articles speak to you.

      It is uncanny how we all feel and live the same circumstances, and how the information does relate – but really it is not uncanny.

      Because it is a suffering from the identical soul affliction – ‘Trying To Source Life From A False Source’…

      I think you already know your truth and what you need to do…

      The real mission is working on empowering and healing yourself enough that you can let go and do it.

      Because once your soul has decided it’s time to evolve, no amount of hanging on is going to avoid that…and things will only continue and get worse not better..

      If you let go Sherri, and fully dedicate to healing you – THIS TIME you will fly.

      The field of life is 100% there to catch you – you just need to know it will.

      Mel xo

    February 12, 2014

    I find this so timely. I am struggling with being my authentic self around my adult children. I was never my true self in my marriage. And now, I am working hard to be her. My children are similar to their father in certain ways and they don’t like the mom who speaks up to challenge them now. I find my self recoiling again to ‘keep peace’. I love my work, new friends but I can’t work through why I regress around my children.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Angela,

      thank you for your post…

      Okay the first thing I want to say is, there is a need for you to change this statement “I can’t work through why I regress around my children”.

      Because now you can’t – truly…

      That statement needs to be “I want to heal and change how I am with my children”.

      Now your entire body and mind is open to a solution.

      So please say that to yourself 3 times and feel that statement in your body before reading what I am about to write…

      It is true that your ‘mind’ does not have the answer – because our limited mind never does…

      Ok – so let’s go get the answer you want, which your body (emotions) hold for you..

      I want you to feel into the emotions that occur when you are around your children. The uncomfortableness, the feelings of needing to protect etc..

      Go to a memory of when you were around your children and how that felt.

      Now feel where that emotion can be felt in your body..

      Is it in your heart, in another part of your body, or is it so extreme that you feel it ‘everywhere’?

      Really connect with it..

      Now drop right into that part of your body, be with it, sit quietly and ‘in it’ and ask it “How old is this part of me that is holding on to this painful emotional charge?”

      Now it is SO important not to use your logic to get your answer such as working it out ‘intelligently’…rather just ALLOW the answer to come for you.

      You may see a flash of a number of an age, ‘hear’ the answer, or see a memory of long ago when you were a child…Or it may just ne a gut feeling of an age..

      What is really important is that you just trust, don’t question it, and go with the first thing that appears.

      Now that you have established where this painful trapped emotions is, and how old the part of you that is holding this wound, then stay with it, right in the painful feeling lovingly and openly and ask “What is this about?”…then again allow the answer to come.

      Then you will have your answer…

      Now that you have your answer there are two choices…the first is to study, read and get help with how you can heal this wound, so that you no longer show up with your children carrying it, or the second is use an energetic release tool such as kinesiology, EFT or Quanta Freedom Healing (my modality) to release that wound out of your cellular being, so that it just is NOT there anymore.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Very interesting reading. I read your artical spazmotically and what Ive read here is amazing. What I do read with this is also a religious experiance. As you do keep referring to GOD and the SOURCE, etc. Not that thtas a bad thing. As anyone who has read the BIBLE, beliving it or not. I guess wouls all agree it has some good LIFE lessons.
    I live with a Narc. and recent years she is getting wors. Problem is I do love her, so leaving and isolating is a non option. Especially with practical issues of Childeren, Marrage (a prommise to God)and also the wife herself. Recently I had some chronic injurys and arnt allowed to work. This worsens the issue of leaving to heal, etc. But there are practical issues to that. Leaving offspring to be brought up by a Narc.. Security for familt or individuals.
    Its all to sad. But we dont live in a perfect world, we dont have a perfect lives within ourselfs. Adding to the mix of our imperfection, living in a worsening very sick world. We all need help and none of us are perfect.
    \ We all live in hope.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi David,

      my understanding of God / Source / life is not religious it is in fact spiritual..

      I believe a higher power is the underpinning of life…that is my understanding. I also concur with the bible understandings which are love, freedom and personal responsibility…and I believe many of them are incredibly spiritual.

      I also believe that marriage vows are not a ‘promise’ of God – I believe that was a man made institution to try to enforce ‘security’ and ‘survival’ (fear based).

      I don’t believe a Higher Power imprisoned anyone to continue a relationship which has failed to evolve or co-create flourishing or growth. I don’t believe a Higher Power ordains fear, pain and unwholesomeness.

      Very true David we are not perfect. I don’t believe we are here to be perfect, I believe we exist to strive for what is good, loving, right and true – and to shine that in the world.

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Hi Mel
    what happens if we are never able to be our true self around others. I for one,can be my true self and authentic around my children only but no-body else. I try but its just normal chit chat and im friendly. But im afraid to pursue friendships. The only ones ive had have been mainly narcissistic. Why are non-narcs so afraid to be real too. I know I have great strenghs.please help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Celina,

      we never can be our True Selves in the world unless we heal the inner woundedness which are preventing us from being real.

      Non-narcs in your life are reflecting back to you your fears of ‘not being real’.

      You are ‘showing’ up in the field with fear (painful inner wounds), and ‘seeing’ that fear in others.

      Celina, I wrote above to Angela the process to find and claim the responsible wound.

      That is exactly what you need to do…because you could analyse this, dice it, splice it, debate it and search all over the planet for your answer until the ‘cows come home’…

      But truly all you have to do to get your answer is go within…

      Then you will know what is really going on.

      Then you have the choice – “Am I going to heal this and set myself free?”

      …or not…

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Hi mel
    its interesting that you said narcs all end up in a bad way at the end of their lives. Whether they end up alone, broke etc but all the older narcs of my mothers generation that I know of have all outlived their spouses. Its true, the non-narcisstic spouse is dead and the narc is still alive and getting what they want. To hell with anybody else!(is there motto) my mother said that herself and she told me she has no remorse,she doesn’t care about anybody or nothing else and her doctor told her she is neurotic, what is this? My father is dead due to pancreatic cancer and stress(lifelong!) From my malignant narcissist mother. She stole him from his current partner before I was born, and when she became pregnant with me, he threatened to leave her(must of got cold feet cos he must of sensed she was a narc) anyway she stabbed him on the hand with a kitchen knife and told him in no uncertain words that he wouldn’t be going(leaving) ANYWHERE!!! HE stayed 32years and what an existence then he died. It was always ever about HER!!!! ALL the narcs are alive and operating and the ex spouses/spouses are dead,left and destroyed or stayed and destroyed. Even if the narcs could be punished or held accountable or die, we are already destroyed after being abused so long. No joy to us!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Celina,

      I will still uphold that the evidence I receive, being connected to thousands of narc adult children, that the evidence is overwhelmingly about later demise…

      Yet, yes with everything these are exceptions.

      I also believe that female narcissists are better equipped to live alone than male narcissists..

      Generally this is the case for women and men.

      Also, of course, it is awful when people stay too long with narcissist, when their emotional trauma manifests physically.

      Hence why Margy and I were so passionate about doing the interview about her dear friend who died prematurely, after a long term narc relationship.

      This is why it is sooo important for us to take responsibility for our own lives, and say “no” to abuse, and realise that an abusive person (or any person) is NOT your true Source of Life..

      That is the lesson for everyone who does get demised by a narcissist – is that when we create a direct relationship with Life, no matter how old we are, or what illnesses or losses we have incurred at the hands of a narcissist – there IS LIfe in the field that is unlimited, loving and accepting IF we uplevel ourselves and love ourselves enough to connect to it.

      And if being connected to Life as our True Self was only the last two years of our life – we did succeed, we did evolve and we DID come home to becoming ‘heaven on earth’.

      And not ‘being’ that is hell…hence why never envy a person suffering with NPD REGARDLESS of any outer appearances.

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Thank you Mel for the always timely articles that arrive. When I began the path of leaving my 38 year marriage the blessing of your website just appeared. I ofcourse know this was no accident. It has supported me and my endeavors to free myself from the hold the narcissist had on me. I am continually working on aligning with my higher self, source (God) daily and read and reread every article you have ever written. The freedome that I feel increases daily and I encourage all your readers to stay true to their intuition which will guide them along the way. Tapping into to this has been supported every step of the way by YOU and the Blessing of who you are in this world for all of us seekers.

    I am greatful for your appearance in my life every day.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Barb,

      you are so very welcome.

      Thank you for your gorgeous note!

      I felt that in my heart, and I am thrilled beyond measure that you are connecting to Life / God / Source and yourself through your own.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you thank you!!! I really enjoyed your article, I was feeling a little low today, but you came to my rescue and now I’m back to centre again. I find you really help me get through the rough parts.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Debbie,

      you are so welcome, and I am so glad this article helped.

      There is something I do want to make clear though re maintenance and helping people through ‘the rough parts’.

      I don’t want any of you in the community to be reliant on my articles to ‘get you through the rough parts.’

      I know they help and I am thrilled about that – but there is another level of intention that is so much more profound than that.

      My deepest desire and mission is to help you become EMPOWERED so that you become the source to yourself which does NOT need me to help manage the pain.

      Debbie, if you go deeper and become your own healer, TRULY you will be off and running and wont need management, you will have sourced and become the TRUE solutions.

      That’s the evolution we are all here to claim, and shine to others.

      Love and hugs

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014


    I have been on and off with a narcissist for 15 years. We had been separated for a year and he has recently moved back in and is living in a separate room. I have empowered myself through extensive reading, therapy, and help from friends and family. I can easily live without him. I don’t get lonely and am a very happy person. My trouble is that he has no one. I get that this is a result of his sickness. He has finally been diagnosed and is starting on mood stabilizers. His bipolar, narcissism, and addiction issues have consumed much of my life, but these things are not his fault. I don’t feel right making him homeless and penniless (he has no job), but it is so difficult to find myself in the rageful arguments of the past…especially trying to get a truly sick mind to understand. If all narcissists end up dead or in an institution, do they deserve to be alone? I want to help him. Knowing he is beyond help, again, does he deserve to be alone? Is it ok for me to save myself knowing that someone I love is dying, literally? I see his pain and his struggle with every single moment of his life. It is not in my nature to abandon another human like that. I am losing hold on how to help myself.


      February 13, 2014

      Hi Amy,
      It sounds like a tremendous of healing and work this guy needs to be in survival mode. I don’t think its fair or humanly possible for one woman to undertake this job without self sacrifice and abandoning herself. There are many churches and non-profits out there to help people who are mentally ill. Leave him to the professionals and starting loving and living for you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Amy,

      your post has really inspired my response, because truly 15 years is too long, and many people in the community may need to hear my answer also.

      Amy for many people like yourself it may just seem “I am a great, wonderful, loving person who can’t turn away from people hurting”.

      However, if it was that simple and a soul truth for you – you would be flourishing in life ‘giving’ (even at a Mother Theresa level), experiencing great joy, connectedness and purpose – and being nourished back with the joy of giving..

      You would NOT be experiencing abuse, angst and negative emotions within the ‘giving’.

      So something here is a little ‘off’ – it is NOT wholesome, and therefore NOT a soul truth for you.

      So, what is it?

      What is really going on.

      The reason it is unwholesome and doesn’t feel ‘right’ and ‘flowing’ is for EXACTLY the reason that is always the case…which is – an old wound is playing out – one that has not been healed.

      Amy you stated that you have become empowered, and I really want you to understand this:

      Information and support from people to help us manage survival – is NOT empowerment, because it is NOT evolution.

      Evolving ourselves means uplevelling our previous wounds to a different way of being in and generating life.

      It means leaving behind our old self-defeating patterns once and for all.

      It requires finding, claiming and releasing old emotional wounding and the associated false belief systems that are accumulated around the wounding.

      Because that is HOW we become ‘different’ in life.

      There is a profound difference between informational management and transformational healing.

      Ok, so what this is really about is there is a young, under-developed wounded part of you that feels she is only acceptable and loveable if she takes on other people’s problems, if she caretakes, and if she bears the brunt.

      Or / and “If I don’t take care of other people’s wounds, they will be unsafe, and I can’t be safe…or / and they won’t be well enough to love me…” or / and, “If I have needs people will leave me. I am only here to serve others”. (or / and some other derivatives of false and painful beliefs).

      That is what is really playing out here…

      To find this wounded inner child, all you need to do is feel into the YUK feelings of ‘guilt, I’m responsible for him’ etc, and then follow the process I explained to Angela above..

      You will find the little girl inside who is maladapting in order to try to be ‘whole’.

      So we can look at why is he back in you life this way…

      Is the answer so that you can continue to play out this wound?

      Or, is the answer because Life / Source / God is saying to you ‘Amy it is time to evolve past this wound. It is time to heal it so you can be whole and flow into your highest potential and WHO you are meant to be in the world’.

      When you commit to that, you will deeply KNOW that this isn’t actually about his issues, and you will KNOW deeply that you as an adult woman are responsible for being the most authentic person you are in life, and THEN granting the freedom to other adults to make their OWN choices as to their own chosen truth.

      You will also deeply KNOW what is the right thing to do.

      If you don’t transform the wound your mind (still stuck in the old woundedness and false belief systems) will grant you every EXCUSE to keep doing exactly what you are doing.

      I hope this helps, and thank you so much for this post – I just KNOW it is very relevant to respond the way I have for many people…our conversation has truly been a wonderful ‘meant to be’ co-creation.

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    I have been wise to the N dynamic for a couple of years now and have done much work. Last fall I experienced what I believe was an unconscious memory. It was fear. Knowing I was safe now, I was able to align to a higher connection which let me know it wasn’t “me” that I was “safe” and I felt compassion.(for both mankind and myself) I remember thinking “this is what I’ve been trying to manage and control and fix all my life? (Fear base)It was negative feelings manifest that I felt very strongly one day in childhood during a particularly narcissistic parental event.(rage)
    My child thought this WAS God (as it was so powerful and seemed to be focused on me)and that this is how life is. All this time and I am almost 50 yrs. old this is what I really believed until working on myself resulting in this unconscious memory being released by doing the NRP modules steering us in the direction toward safety and love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Suzanne,

      that is so beautiful you are working on yourself and waking up from the trance, to source life authentically.

      Thank you for your share 🙂

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Oh Melanie, I redid the module 3 Monday and some of the things you just shared was (is) exactly what I was coming to terms with. (Fear blocks healing.)I am giving myself permission to let go of that which no longer has control over me. (Brought to me was something that happened when I was 2 years old!) Something happened that caused me to believe that whatever happened to me was because I deserved it. Forgiving those involved was a turning point especially when this was something no one did intentionally. It was my choice to hold on to that lie and perception about myself, and I needed to forgive this tiny precious child who didn’t know how to voice or express her need for unconditional love. I am not blaming myself for all my self-esteem problems, nor am I blaming those who were expressing love in the only way they knew how. I grew up with the idea that to be loved and to feel safe was only for those who deserved it. (Even if it meant living with a narc for 32 years trying to prove that I deserved it.) It was eye-opening to go back all these years to see the exact moment I started believing that lie. It gave me the opportunity to release that moment over to God,forgive, be forgiven, and feel the peace (not just now) but to feel it then, at that moment, so many years ago… that I am indeed loved and was (am) the vessel of unlimited unconditional love. It was like a rush of joy, like a wave, flowing over the hurt and deception of the past 32 years. Fear kept me from letting go of all that which I believed I deserved and didn’t get. Letting go cut the string that kept me holding on to blame, fear, and regret. It brought me to a starting place that replaced loss with healing. And the opportunity to see what was “real” & authentic (then and now)compared to that which (is)was based on lies & brokenness. All this to say…don’t be afraid to face the truth, accept it for what it is, and then move on. Don’t stop digging and healing. Remember to forgive yourself. Remember to love every bit of yourself. Be thankful, Teresa, that there is a life out there that needs to be lived. And only you can choose to live it. I still have many miles of healing to go, but I’m pretty sure we all are on the right path. Can’t wait to see what’s around the next bend!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Teresa,

      your post is very powerful in so many ways…

      Especially because you are finding HUGE keys to unlock your highest flourishing and TRUE life.

      It is astounding when we do the inner journey and discover wounding and blocks that have AFFECTED our entire life at a deep unconscious level.

      When we uplevel that wound, it is incredible the release and freedom we feel, and in reflection see how DIFFERENTLY we are showing up, and how life starts responding completely differently.

      I adore that you really went in found the injured two year old little you and pulled her out of the cell and released and healed her!

      You have the level of fascination now – “Can’t wait to see what is around the next bend”…and truly that is how it becomes..

      1) I acknowledge the trigger showing me there is a wound,

      2) I drop into it and find it and transform it – (release it, atone it, surrender it, and fill with Source to replace it)…

      3) I get to experience the miracle of being my True Self on this topic…

      THAT is evolution…

      I was astounded too at the beliefs my 2 year old, three year old (that was huge),and then 4, 5 and 8 year old carried that had continued the pain in my life continuously.

      Now my children are free, creative as all get out! and playing!!!And they are very cute and funny!!(not to mention brilliant at sensing and knowing)…

      Now adored by me and NOT ignored…

      Teresa, I Love your post!!!

      YES – don’t be afraid to face the truth!!!!..

      It SETS us free – (was there ever a more powerful cliché?)

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    We spend our whole lives ‘doing’ ‘doing’ ‘doing’

    We need to get a job. We need to figure out a career. We need to find a partner. We need to get married. We need to have children. We need to buy a home. We need to lose weight etc. etc. etc.

    We do not realize that all this ‘doing’ is just our ego trying to keep us separated from ‘being’. If we are constantly striving and trying to get something /somewhere we are never still in the present.

    We have been socialized and conditioned to function this way. We have created a mass consciousness that says, “If we do not cater to the social norm we will be punished.” This belief was created as a way to keep the hierarchy in place -to keep the egotistical (narcissistic) people in power. As Mel always says, that is now outdated. We grew it out a long time ago. Our system is no longer serving us; it has become a monster we are a slave to.

    It’s time to be in the ‘being’. And ‘doing’ through the ‘being’.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi GA

      perfectly expressed…

      Our ego is the culprit absolutely…and makes us as ‘small and limited’ to try to make it all work..

      Then the faith and connection and flow with Life is gone…

      When we dissolve all that fear, what takes over is the knowingness that we are worthy beyond measure (Simply for Who We Are), Life does adore us, and when we are in a vibration of openness, connection and love, then Life starts delivering BIG TIME all of our hearts desires…in ways WAY beyond how we could arrange it!!

      Because we are ‘being’ a vibrational match with Life / Source / God.

      So true GA, then we can have inspired choices, ideas from ‘love’ other than ‘fear’ in regard to the ‘doing’.

      You are so right, doing is only effective when it has a foundation of beingness, hence why ‘beingness’ is out most important mission in life.

      Plus it feels so good!!!

      Thank you for your awesome post!

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    wauw…. just wauw
    this article inspired me so much. I was as if i wrote it. I was that girl that chased love and thought that i needed to be married in order to have it made.I see now that i can make it on my own and that i don’t need a partner but that i need to be my own partner and build up the life i want and never let someone in that wants to change me.

    Thank you so much for giving me new hope

    love and blessings Merrowyn

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Merrowyn,

      I am so glad this inspired you – when we are ready for certain messages they certainly can light us up!!

      So, so, true what you wrote about not needing a partner.

      My journey last year and popping ‘out’ into this year is sooo about that.

      I was talking to a dear girlfriend yesterday and I said to her “I used to subconsciously always think ‘When I get the right man – then my life can begin..'”…

      Now I SO get it – my orientation is:

      “My life is incredible and I am creating it at the highest level of flourishing possible, and the gorgeous, inspiring, incredible man WHO is my beloved is going to JOIN right on in!!!”

      Wow it changes everything – welcome to this amazing life Merrowyn!!

      Mel xo

    Quinton Edward
    February 13, 2014

    Hi Mel,

    Thank you for this article. It is like you were speaking directly to me. Guess I manifested this advice as I have been agonizing for a while now about leaving the N after he has sold his home where we were living and now live in my country.
    It feels like I have left it too late because I have decided to leave him almost one year ago, way before he decided to sell. Now I would feel guilty to leave after he left his country and sold his place to be here.
    I also don’t get the chance to work the NARP modules anymore as I am working till late and when I get home, he is already there so there is no space and time.
    I do still do the exercises about going into the feeling and talking to it but would love to continue with the NARP, just not finding the space.
    When I think about what I want, the first thing that comes up is freedom to just be and not care about what he will say, do or think.

      Quinton Edward
      February 13, 2014

      PS. I would love to join the NARP member group that you created recently but deleted the email account for safety reasons that I used to purchase it.
      I bought it on the 13th of September last year and my friend paid for it with her pay pal account. For the Narc Abuse Recovery Support emails, I used this email to sign up.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Quinton,

      It is so important to work on releasing those feelings of guilt so that you can honour yourself.

      It is also really vital that you create the space for you to heal – there is ALWAYS a way.

      Kayla’s Thriver Story was one of the many examples of people who have ‘found a way’ to do the NARP work when living with a narc.

      YOU are the most important priority and you need to make a stand for that.

      You know what you want, now go get it…and you need to go within to release all your emotional blocks in the way of what you want – including the GUILT.

      Then you will have it..

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Hi Mel

    Another amazing blog & radio show.. thank you.

    Your words and wisdom always resinate so well. I work in the same office as my ex narc, so no contact is obviously an issue.

    I still find my self going around in circles wit him, even though we have been split for two years!!!!

    I do the work on myself, but get thrown back into the hurt time and time again.. Obviously he keeps up his mask around everybody at work, so this is difficult to!

    You are such an inspiration, and have helped me more than you will know.. How do I stop myself being pulled back into these mind games?

    xox shelley

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Shelley,

      Ok so there needs to be an interruption – an uplevelling of this pattern, and as always any change we want to create in our life CAN be created powerfully by creating the shift within ourselves.

      Sooo….here are the choices…

      1) Decide to stay and release the wounds that continue to trigger you (somehow I have a feeling you have tried this)…if this hasn’t worked then lets look at option 2..

      2) Heed the ‘message’ the Universe is giving you which is to change employment, or maybe even start your own business (if that has been a desire)…

      or maybe..

      3) It is time to actively start dating, getting interested in other men and REALLY moving on, and then there will be no connection to him (if you have already done enough self work on your abuse patterns to start this)..

      With any or all of these direction, you need to face the wounds, (false beliefs / limitations) which are saying “you can’t do that”…and release those…

      Whichever way we look at this, and whatever the direction is – your soul is granting you enough discomfort to force you to grow past previous glass ceilings and old comfort zones..

      That’s evolution…and necessary to have a great meaningful life..

      Are you up for the challenge? Because the discomfort is not going to let up until you honestly face and shift what you need to.

      It will be a wonderful
      journey for you – and now is time…

      Work out what your soul is calling you towards, and then do the inner work on yourself regarding the blocking fears BEFORE doing it….

      Then you will minimise the ‘breakdown’ to get through to your ‘breakthrough’ and that is what loving and supporting ourselves is all about!

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Thank you Melanie and every single one of you on here and trying to heal.
    Right now my mind is asking, Is he really a narcissist? Am I being too harsh? Am I in denial? We’ve been apart for 10 days after I couldn’t take anymore of him NOT being able to discuss our future together (I’d like to get married, why to him? I’m not sure now)He won’t discuss it and says he feels like I’m demanding. So, I changed the demanding Donna and lightheartedly brought up getting engaged and married. We’ve been together almost 3 years but not living together. I was so nice and relaxed and hoped he would be the same and start talking to me about it but he freaked out, the scary eyes, the shouting at me and me shouting at him to leave my flat, which he did, thank God! We’ve split up before because he demanded that I don’t have my dream to get engaged and married because “I don’t want that, so, tough” It’s a VERY long story but I feel like I can shine my light better without him. When I’m with him, I need to guage his moods before I try and have certain chats with him. It feels like I’m pushing my flame down further and further to please him and I know I’m shiny and bright but haven’t really been believing in myself enough. (I have fibromyalgia and endometriosis to deal with too, so I sometimes get emotional about that)
    I’ve started writing down MY DESIRES and that’s when my flame burns brighter and the real wonderful Donna appears again! Narcissist sounds like such a nasty word and I’m still not sure if he is. Is there another word to describe a narcissist so that I can maybe get a better understanding for myself?
    Love Donna xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Donna,

      truly the definitions of who a narcissist is and what the narcissist does are here:

      Be VERY, VERY aware that whilst you are peptide addicted to a narcissist (or anyone for that matter), your mind which is operating within the range of the chemicals of addiction will give you every EXCUSE to stay connected – whether this person is healthy or not.

      From what you have written the connection is not healthy.

      It isn’t until you start shifting the trauma and old emotional wounds out of your body that you brain opens up into more ‘sanity’.

      That is actually the real understanding – is when we have released our own wounds and get clarity.

      I hope the article helps.

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    It’s almost unheard of for anyone to be narcissistically abused and come out the other side ‘prospering’.

    Oh boy, what you said here Melanie was key for me. I walked out with my pets and the clothes on my back. I left everything, my business, my books, and all my personal belongings. Absolutely have never regretted walking away from everything. Within 12 months of starting at Broke, I have enough money to pay bills, a new business that is thriving, and all my comfort items and healthy food that I need. And most of all my Independence & Freedom…and I really owe it to your website! Without you and the support of this community, it would have been so much more difficult to walk away. Life begins when you leave and shut the door. No Contact equals New Life

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Regina,

      thank you so much for your post – and I am thrilled to hear you are THRIVING.

      Truly there is spiritual compensation available in abundance. The losses are irrelevant, because when we align with our True Selves we become a direct channel for Life’s blessing in every way.

      Thank you for your share. I know it will inspire others beautifully!

      Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    February 13, 2014

    Hi Me,

    I really do believe the literal and metaphysical is all connected, because all ‘form’ comes from energy and the unseen first.

    When we inwardly work on ourselves it directly relates to our connection with life, projects, expressions of outer energy etc.

    Me, you are mentioning boundaries a lot..and that is great..

    My gut feeling on this….

    Keep releasing the wounds around fears of violation, and work at connecting to the field with an open heart and mind…

    You can start at the goal and work backwards…Feel the goal of connecting and flowing in ‘openness’ with life and others and then clear the resistance that comes up with that…

    That will help establish neuro-nets within you of empowered connection, rather than fear and defence…

    Huge hug back Me!

    Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    I am still messed up, even after 9 months.Its not even really “about him” anymore, I don’t miss or really think about him much. Its just a lack of confidance in men, myself & most people. Ive never been one to have a lot of gf’s, but now I dont care to hang out with any of them, or make new ones. Ive regressed into myself,loneley and bored! I know he was a horrible person, and that Im blessed to recognize Im a codependant. Its just that I wish I could get my zing back, lose the weight Ive gained and meet someone good for me for once! At 53 Im worried I’ll nevr meet Mr Right, and that saddens me. I know I have my issues as well, but a just soooo ready for a change! Thanks Melanie for your site, and I have bought a program which the NO CONTACT & the ebooks were great, but some of it just didn’t help!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Donna,

      Have you been feeling inside you, going to those painful emotions, being with them and really uncovering ‘what they are about?’.

      See my posts above describing the process.

      Because that is the essential relationship you need to commit to with yourself in order to heal…

      Simply reading information is NOT doing the work…

      You will get your zing, start shifting into Who you wish to be (which is the real version of yourself) when you can find and transform the blocks within you which are taking you away from those goals.

      When those wounds, (the root of the negative emotions) become whole, you will start coming into wellbeing…

      I know you are ready for change, we all are (were) but we have to effort to create that change from within – in order to see it emerge in our life…

      No life raft is going to appear outside of ourselves until we do…

      And its not meant to – it HAS to come from within…

      And we need to love ourselves enough to become that healing source to ourselves. We are all effectively reparenting our inner children back to health – the aspects we DID not receive in our formative inner programmed years.

      Wanting change ENOUGH means we take the stand for our inner self with the FEROCITY of a mother bear with her cubs – with fierce love and devotion to do all we can to heal those parts of ourself that are wounded…

      Nothing else cuts it when we are sliding into a deep, painful hole…

      Are you working the inner healings with NARP Donna, and doing the inner transformation work – because that is where the real jucieness of change DOES start to happen!

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Hi Mel,

    Thanks for a great article. Some massive aha moments in there for me – like that being ourselves is about being connected to source. And i love your injured gazelle visual!

    I have wondered why humans are created with egos if they cause so much trouble. Does the ego serve any useful purpose on this earth plane? A friend recommend i read a book called the dark side of the light chasers by Debbie Ford…have you read this by any chance? My friend said it was about embracing our shadow side and im wondering how it fits with your message?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Anita,

      I have thought about this question very much myself…so thank you for bringing this fantastic question up!!

      This is my ‘sense’ of the answer..

      Humankind is an ‘evolving’ species…

      The older version of human absolutely required the primitive part of the brain…..(back of the brain) for survival, for competition, to register and remember fear in order to use the past as the gauge for the future…

      I believe that was the purpose of the ego (fear and survival programs)…

      The problem is that the brain NOW self-defeats itself…in that we ‘fear’ so many things, we hold on to so many trapped, painful emotions that forward wholesome and healthy movement becomes nearly impossible for many.

      Another dire problem is that the solution can’t be generated at the level the problem was created…which means the ‘brain’ does not hold the answer to heal the ‘brain’.

      That is WHY we need to connect to a much greater field of power than our brain – and tap into Who We Are past the human limited experience in order to become Higher Consciousness. The true God / Source experience of Oneness, Love, inspiration, co-creating true flourishing for all, connecting, supporting, sharing etc…

      Rather than the painful separation, distrust and competition of the ego – ‘I am unsafe, and there are finite resources I have to fight for’…

      Humans individually and humankind collectively are not going to survive if we don’t evolve towards ourselves and each other…pure and simple..

      Personally we have to go within our own selves in order to transcend ourselves and expand ourselves and CONNECT with ourselves, life and others…

      That is the true spiritual experience of inner connection and then Oneness.

      That is what we are all evolving towards now – because the old egoic patterns energetically have crumbled and fallen apart as the benchmark of human existence.

      They DON’T work, on a micro or macro level.

      We are all beyond that now…

      No I haven’t read the book – but have been meaning to…

      Debbie Ford was an incredible woman and messenger…

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for the article. I’m in an interesting time. I haven’t seen the narc for over a year but the fallout is impressive. I am now 3 days from completing my eviction. I’ve been dealing with depression for over a year and spent the last 3 months in bed, not working, not anything, so the eviction isn’t a surprise. It’s like another 2×4 to the head from the universe. In a way having to move is literally getting me unstuck as I need to take action. But I have spent the last while holding still. Not wanting pain again so i was just gonna stay still. I have your program but stopped using it because my body would leech energy and I’d fall asleep. So far this past week I’ve been to the foodbank, applied for gov’t income support and let go of a lot of pride. I also performed a monologue I wrote that got huge and wonderful reaction. I realize how important the moment is of where I’m at. I see and feel that releasing emotions and forgiveness and compassion are my way through. But I sit in the unknown or before it. And I’ve tried to control that sucker, never winning of course. I’m scared nothing will change because I see the past and know how many agreements I’ve broken with myself and am scared to forgive myself, or don’t know how. I see the writing on the wall that I need to make changes but I am afraid of falling back further and that terrifies me because I was ready to die this time. I thankfully chose not to but sliding back is scary. What do I really want? To trust myself. To love myself. And to know in my heart and mind and soul that god and the universe have my back. It all seems very far away though. Thanks for listening.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 13, 2014

      Hi Jessica,

      What I really want to ask you, if you don’t mind me cutting straight to it is…..What does ” but stopped using it because my body leeched energy and I’d fall asleep” mean?

      Jessica when we starting working in theta brainwave (NARP) it does make us drowsy initially, because it is slowing down our brainwaves in order to communicate to our subconscious.

      That is a normal experience until we get used to the frequency…

      Also as a NARP member you have the ability to contact for questions you need answered and to be a part of the recovery forum to gain support to help you commit to and process your healing journey effectively.

      You have come to that fork in the road….or we could call it the brick wall…where life simply can’t continue on as normal the way you have been.

      This is the place of personal catharsis, it’s the place where we have ‘had enough’ and know we HAVE to change.

      So this is the choice, we surrender into doing what we need to do, which is surrender to going inside to meet and do the work on our inner wounds, or we try to avoid and keep going as ‘business as usual’…

      The real question is “how much longer can we keep self-avoiding before we REALLY break down?”

      So then we realize all of that and we say “what choice is there but to face it?”

      This I can promise you with all my heart – when we DO take that stand for ourselves to go inwards as the most IMPORTANT thing we can ever do, and commit to that, we are on the road to recovery and freedom.

      All those beautiful realities you want exist on that path for you, and it is the ONLY way you will ever claim them, because every other strategy is a false substitute.

      You will only have Life ‘having your back’, when you meet yourself to commit to ‘having your own back’. All love, support and loyalty can only ever come from others and the field when we have BECOME that to ourselves.

      The feelings of wanting to die are a separation from yourself, and the field….

      When you connect, yes it is going to hurt like hell, but in the hurt IS love, support, tenderness and healing, and the knowing you are ‘coming home’…and the hurt piece by piece will start to dissolve.

      The path you are on now is agony without relief.

      So the solution is turn inwards, pick up NARP again and use all of the resources and support available here and through your membership on NARP to get well.

      And then you will…

      Mel xo

    February 13, 2014

    Thank you so much for this article. I will read it over and over. I have been in a quandary regarding property settlement now for 2 years and I come to the point of just wanting to wLk away but then the injustice of it all comes back to bite me. When I think about walking away from it all, sometimes the only reason is so he won’t be angry. I am trying to keep the peace. “Healthy” friends of mine dissuade me from walking away as they can see that I am trying to avoid confrontation. If I do walk away, I worry that I might harbour anger and regret over my decision. The whole thing has gone to court and he does the absolute bare minimum just so he is not in contempt. Seems to scrape through each time. Third court hearing in 10 days and still grapple over the whole situation.
    Thanks Mel, will keep reading and narping. Xx

    February 14, 2014

    You are a legend Mel….
    I never fail to get a magic lesson from you despite knowing that I have come along way and healed.
    I’m just thinking that a ‘narc’ victim is like an alcoholic….we need to live a day at a time with the awareness that if we ‘fall off the wagon” or in our case “connect with a narc” it’s like picking up a drink!
    In the past when I have spoken to or had anything to do with the/a manipulative narc, I knew in my heart that it felt like going back to square one….which it isn’t becasue we are learning more and getting stronger for ever time we do that.
    Thanks Mel and everyone who has input to the discussions…you are all my teachers; Mel, the Narc School Principle! Love to all. Mary XX

    February 16, 2014

    Hi Melanie
    Thanks for a great article and radio show – I have just listened for the second time. Everything you say rings so true – the more I go through this process I realise how much I looked to a man for love and a sense of self – making him into a mini God in a way. The norms of the world seem to support this in many respects. My second narc relationship didn’t last long thank goodness – but I still ignored the warning signs, believed everything he told me, ignored really bad behaviour and even listened as he called himself “Christ” (feels ridiculous now saying this) – I feel tired, but so glad that I am returned again to the healing process. You have talked so often about Joe Dispenza’s work, and yesterday I bought one of his books – it will take a while for me to absorb everything, and it is feeling quite mind blowing. I have a way to go, but without this relationship, I may not have discovered your work, and people like Joe Dispenza. I feel like eventually I will need to leave my job of 18 years (helping profession), as in a way it represents many of the patterns that I feel I need to leave behind. No rush to make a decision, but it will come when the time is right. I really don’t have a real sense about where I am heading at present, but it feels ok. I think, like you have said, you need to know what you don’t want first. I wish I could get a message out to the world of young women and girls – that it’s so important to heal self first, and to really honour and respect self before entering into any form of intimate relationship. It’s taken me a long time and many painful experiences to finally get this message. xxx

    February 22, 2014

    What I would like to understand is why did I give the ex narc so many chances but through reading these suggestions, I realize that he is never gonna get what he did or I am never going to hear him apologise. still have some bad days but don’t take on so much guilt anymore as he told me it was all my fault even though I was very good to him would just like to get him out of my head all together which is difficult after 12yrs and adaughter together.

    February 22, 2014

    It is simple.. he is bent. It is not your fault. He laid a trap…wove a web..and you fell into it.

    February 23, 2014

    One of my last therapist appts. I told my therapist I had finally stopped feeling guilty and she asked “for what?” and i replied “for getting out and SAVING MYSELF”
    she asked me “COULD you save him?” and I said “NO–but I COULD save ME!”
    with my narc from age 15-52…SAVE YOURSELF NOW. It’s worth it!

    February 24, 2014

    Thank you too both who commented true you cant save them will keep your advice close to hand

      February 24, 2014

      I post on here because like i said …with my Narc from age 15 to 52. I am TRYING to tell you younger ladies to get out NOW-don’t look back and regret the wasted years. I’m trying to tell you ladies my age (54)or older that it is never to late–each day of happiness without that awful person in your life is one day of happiness you NEVER would have WITH him!

  • healingnfreeatlast@gmail.vom'
    March 26, 2014

    Thank you
    To support your article my N M id 74, it took until recently for me to realize that this abuse is what i have experienced my entire life. She is suffering from dementia w. Parkinson symptoms. She is very miserable and quite frankly very alone.. I have also read that in their weakened state of mind they know what they they did, and they fear retaliation. Which os not what i am thinking. I feel so free to know I can not please her, these are and always were her issues.
    The other part is after our blinders have Megen removed and we are genuine in my case with my oldest daughter. She emailed me yesterday that sheer didn’t know me anymore. It is because though i ask coming from a place of love, I am not allowing her or anyone else to devalue me or just sit back and take with out giving back.. My daughter 36, of presenting histrionic behavior while jeer husband is most definitely a very manipulating narcissist..
    It is amazing how once your blinders come off how predictable their actions are and they believe they are so unique.
    Thank you Melanie

    web link
    May 19, 2014

    dekang e liquid Accepting The Losses Of Narcissistic Abuse And Aligning With What You Really Want | Narcissism and Relationships Blog by Melanie Tonia Evans

    December 13, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    I have a question. You said that narcissists ultimately end up alone later in life and suffer the consequences of their actions…would that also be the case with covert narcissists?

    Upon reading so many articles about narcissism, it came to mind that my ex is a covert narcissist. It’s very hard to expose his abuses to me because no one would ever believe me. Worst they would just poke fun at me and regard me as crazy.

    He seems to be a really, really nice guy to many people and he always talks about God and the church on Facebook and even during ordinary conversations. This very trait of being religious is what made me trust him easily. But when we finally became a couple, he turned out to be someone completely different from that godly man I knew.

    I suffered cognitive dissonance because of his behavior towards me. I also am suffering from PTSD from being verbally, sexually, and emotionally abused by my ex. It’s been a year since he disposed me after taking my virginity and sexually abusing me and yet I still get trauma attacks every now and then. He has severely damaged my way of thinking that I cannot function and think normally.

    How do covert narcissists get their due…almost everyone thinks they have halo on their heads….and that they are incapable of abusing and destroying lives.

    Help me…


    February 1, 2016

    Hi Melanie, thank you SO MUCH for this blog (really, for all your blog postings). I can’t express enough how much they’ve helped me understand, accept, and grow through the experiences of narcissistic abuse. Your blogs have truly been a GODSEND — synchronistic events lead me to you resources, I KNOW this was GOD. So I thank you, thank you, thank you! You are truly doing God’s work by helping us EVOLVE through our pain. I am SO THANKFUL for your desire to help us navigate though our experiences. You are helping me transform my life, FOR SURE.

    One question I have, prompted by this blog, is:
    If the narcissist truly feels aggrieved, injured, and entitled, then why in the world do they need to LIE when doing smear campaigns?? Why isn’t the “truth” of their reality/experience enough to “smear” the victim?

    Could shed some light on this?

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