Melanie Tonia Evans

Why The Ego Separates You From Love

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
127
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

This article is incredibly relevant to narcissism, and anyone who has been caught in the throes of narcissistic abuse.

This article was inspired by a book I read over my break called ‘A Return to Love’ by Marianne Williamson and it is about one of my favourite topics…. the ego.

It truly is mind-blowing how at certain points of our journey we feel called to read a certain book – and it relates to exactly where we are at with our own development.

I have written a few articles regarding ‘ego’ previously, and in the past I struggled to believe that anyone could have mastered the understanding of the ego more than Ekhart Tolle, but now after reading Marianne’s book I feel there is a serious contender.

As a result of reading this book there is no way I could have kept it to myself. If you are interested in the ego this book is a must read!

In this article I share my thoughts on the ego and explain why the egoic part of us will do anything it can to separate us from real love.

 

Every Relationship is About Love or Fear

I have believed for a long time that our most profound teachers in life are the people who we are involved in relationships with.

As Neale Donald Walsch states ‘There is only one person in the room’, which means that every significant relationship we attract and create in our life is a reflection of our own deep inner self.

Our important relationships reflect back to us the parts of ourselves which are whole, and the parts of ourselves which are wounded that require healing.

The wounded parts of ourselves that are not as yet ‘healthy self-love and self-acceptance’ appear to us via other people who trigger us significantly.

These unconscious parts become conscious as a result of relationship experiences.

I truly believe relationships are priceless and completely necessary in regard to our evolution.  Especially our most difficult relationship experiences.

Of course as children we were incredibly powerless, we didn’t have the ability to understand complexities and we did not have the sophistication to reason or process information, nor did we have the healthy modelling to heal these wounded parts.

Rather than be able to transform these inner parts we created defences, adaptations and ‘strategies’ to try to get our needs met and minimalize more emotional damage.

We went into survival mode, and for the best part this worked. It kept us alive and functioning and saved us from emotional annihilation.

What we did not realise is, as Marianne states from A Course In Miracles, ‘what we protect ourselves from is what we continue to create’.

What we discover as adults is that the identical patterns of not being seen and met, not being valued and not being loved unconditionally continue throughout our life despite our survival strategies.

Upon further investigation we also understand how we have failed to love, accept and value ourselves in our self-talk, our self-perception, and our ability to ‘be’ with ourselves and how we have trained other people to treat us identically to how we really do feel about and treat ourselves.

This is why as adults it is our responsibility to work out how to heal these wounded parts that we have tried to cover over and merely survive with.

The truth is no-one else can do it for us, and we can’t turn the clock back to the formative years and have our role models do it any differently.

Our role models were simply acting from their unhealed wounds as a result of their unconscious teachers.

The damage was done, and now we have to un-do it. Not just for ourselves, but to be responsible and healthy models to create future generations where the madness of fear and pain can finally end.

To be able to transcend our fear into love we need to understand some fundamental energetic / spiritual truths, and these involve a deeper understanding of Who We Really Are, and how our ego, as the ‘agent of fear’ is the ultimate saboteur of love.

 

The Ego’s Purpose

There are only two energies – truly.

Love and Fear.

Some synonyms for love are: connection, relatedness, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, trust, authenticity, transparency, honesty, vulnerability.

Some synonyms for fear are: separation, competition, invalidation, condemnation, judgment, distrust, pretending, non-disclosure, dishonesty, defences.

It is so vital to understand that the ego’s purpose is to keep you from experiencing love.

When you are being the experience of love there is no pain – only a sense of Oneness and coming ‘home’ to Who You Really Are.

When we come ‘home’ we experience being ‘heaven on earth’. We experience our authentic nature. We become and know our True Self.

As our essential nature we can understand that outer events don’t produce this ‘beingness’. It is achieved by cultivating an inner state – one which is not precariously reliant on outside events.

The ego conversely is an inner entity which requires pain to survive, and is intensely attached to the control, judgement and eventual sabotage of outer events.

The cycle of ego’s self-fulfilling illusion is this:

I am dependent on you (this thing or person) from delivering me from my emptiness and pain

I will create an obsessive relationship based on fear, need, unrealistic expectations and clinging

You will disappoint me, don’t fulfil me or leave me, or I will deliver the pre-emptive first strike and leave – and then I need ‘more’ again.

When we are being ‘light’ (love) – truly ‘darkness’ (pain) can’t exist.

This is why the ego creates every illusion possible to keep thrusting you into the darkness.

The ego through unhealed inner parts that get painfully triggered, ‘stories’ in your mind and the results of defensive maladaptive ways of ‘showing up’ –  presents all the evidence to keep you trying to source your life through engaging tactics of separation, competition, invalidation, condemnation, judgment, distrust, pretending, non-disclosure, dishonesty and defences.

If your ego is running your life, there is no possibility of you being love or experiencing love, and every attempt will be thwarted.

This is emotionally devastating, because every human entity without exception seeks love, and ever human entity is in pain when love isn’t generated.

The ego is pervasive, it damages many people in its path.

 

The Ego and Narcissism

Narcissism is the epitome of egoic living.

The very definition of a narcissist is a person who has submerged (killed off) their True Self – deeming it unacceptable and unworthy –  and created the ‘buffer’ of a False Self (a fictitious character) to replace it.

This False Self is pure ego.

As Marianne states there is a distinct difference between ‘grandeur’ and ‘grandiosity’.

Grandeur is the beingness of magnificence (love). Grandiosity is the malfunction of trying to compensate for feeling anything but magnificent (fear).

Grandeur manifests love and attraction, whereas grandiosity creates toxicity and ultimately repulsion.

Narcissism is extreme grandiosity and attempting to source love and approval from an unhealed wounded inner centre that has been dismissed, ignored and unattended to, and which is surrounded by impenetrable egoic defences.

I’d like to use this metaphor to really grant you the understanding.

Imagine an ‘opulent’ castle with a malformed, distorted child imprisoned in a cell underneath the castle.

Imagine this child as completely abandoned, totally shunned, and as a result he has become a demented, twisted and irrational abomination.

Now imagine the master of this ‘opulent’ castle is terrified that someone will find this child and despise him for housing such a pitiful, worthless and disgusting creature.

The master adopts the persona of being affable and charming in order to create a smokescreen for what really lurks beneath the castle floor.

Additionally the castle’s master has employed henchmen to ferociously guard the underground cell.

Anyone who gets too close to discovering the passageway to the cell is attacked and thrown out of the castle, and if necessary that person’s reputation and credibility is systematically destroyed so that they can’t credibly relay their suspicions to others.

The master of the castle would rather risk losing anything and everyone, and is willing to destroy everything and anyone rather than allow the sordid truth to be discovered.

The master of the castle cannot expose himself and love others due to the risk of the shameful child being discovered.

As a result the master is forever isolated and condemned to never experience real connection and love.

The end…

Now you can understand that the castle and the charm are the pretences and ‘cover-up’ of the ego. The henchmen are the defences of the ego viciously guarding the truth, and the child in the cell is the narcissist’s severely damaged and disowned Inner Child.

The only way the master of the castle could stop this horrible existence and be himself and live an authentically loving life with other people would be to bring the child up and out of the dark underground cell and love and accept him back to health, and believe he was acceptable to others.

The master would never believe the child could be accepted by others unless he had decided to accept the child himself.

Because the master refuses to accept the disowned child – he has no option other than to live an illusion, that is always at risk of falling apart, and attack anyone mercilessly to try to uphold it.

Especially the people who threaten to get too close and discover the truth.

There in a nutshell is the egoic reality of narcissism and HOW it MUST destroy love.

The ego will NOT allow love to occur.

It NEVER can…

How can the ego allow connection with anyone when it is hellbent on destroying anyone that gets too close to the real ‘unacceptable’ person trapped inside?

The truth is: the ego masks itself as ‘perfection’ and ‘love’ yet condemns, punishes and demonises every perceived imperfection that it cannot accept within itself.

The ego MUST sabotage and reject love in order to survive, because authenticity, trust, connection and real love annihilates self-loathing, separation, projection and judgment.

 

The Fault Finding Capacity of Ego

Because of the ego’s repulsion with the imperfection of the Inner Child, and how ‘imperfect’ it is to be repulsed with self – that self-repulsion MUST be disowned and projected outwards.

The truth is this: The most conditionally loving people and judgmental people are suffering from an intense lack of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance. Their ‘unacceptable’ Inner Child has not been rescued and loved back to health.

This is where we all need to take radical responsibility, and have compassion not just for ourselves but also for others – so that we can transcend the intense pain of egoic judgment.

I would like you to try this on for size…

Say the following statement

“I hate you and your evil ways for what you did to me..”

Feel in your body how this feels…

Now say

“I understand and accept how damaged you Inner Child is, how you can’t go inwards to love and accept yourself, and how tormented your behavior is as a result.”

Feel in your body how this feels…

You should feel a distinct difference.

I would like to remind you again of Neale Donald Walsch’s quote “There is only one person in the room’.

In reading Marianne’s book you will be granted an even deeper understanding of the self-healing power of compassion and acceptance. She states “It is as though we are holding a sword above their head. The sword, however, doesn’t fall on them but on us. Since all thought is thought about ourselves, then to condemn another is to condemn ourselves”.

Marianne’s teachings are about – only love is real and any other behavior is an illusion. The narcissist behaves like a narcissist because his / her life conditions and choices (usually adopted unconsciously at a very young age) have caused the narcissist to forget Who He / She Really Is, and to source a life distortedly through fear instead of love.

Within this understanding we can start to break free and be unshackled from our ego which painfully holds on to blame, pain, shame and judgment which ONLY keeps us in fear, egoic defences and separated from loving and accepting ourselves and creating true healthy connections in our life.

Then because of the trapped inner pain that our egos are generating we show up in life trying to fearfully avoid sustaining more pain, yet unconsciously we continue to attract and create more of what we are judging and trying to protect ourselves from.

We keep the painful trapped emotions of victimisation alive and prospering in our bodies – and this is exactly what keeps our ego energized, alive and running our life and sabotaging love.

 

Our Real Job

We can’t heal darkness by throwing more darkness at it (another Marianne quote) – period.

Throwing more darkness is fear and adopting the strategies of: separation, competition, invalidation, condemnation, judgment, distrust, pretending, non-disclosure, dishonesty and defences.

Now this is where we need to take full responsibility in order to get well.

We need to look for our own damaged Inner Child underneath our floor. It doesn’t matter whether we are living in a castle pretending “I’m fabulous and everything is wonderful”, or a battered caravan whining “My life is falling apart and I will never be the same”.

We need to go toward our Inner Child instead of away from him or her. We need to pick the child up and grant him or her all the love and acceptance we can no matter how damaged and deranged this child is.

We then need to accept and love this child so much that we allow this child to be seen by others. But we need to ‘meet’ and ‘see’ this child ourselves first.

We don’t allow ‘our pearls to be smashed by swines’ by exposing our Inner Child to people who are sick and dysfunctional (such as narcissists), but we can open up and connect to non-narcissistic people with authenticity, with truth, and with the real deal about how we feel and who we are now – warts and all.

We can also look after ourselves if we need to by speaking our truth, knowing we are no longer crippled with the fears of being criticised, rejected or abandoned for being our real self – which is love and loveable as a force within itself, and which naturally ‘as ourself’ (God / Source did not get it wrong) attracts more unlimited love from healthy sources.

By adopting the principles of – connection, relatedness, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, trust, authenticity, transparency, honesty and vulnerability – we allow and co-create with people the opportunity to love us authentically for who we are, and not who we think they want us to be.

…Which really always was ‘who I thought I had to be’.

 

The Happy Ending

By loving and accepting yourself, unlike the master of the castle, you will let people in – you will let them be with the real you, and then by being ‘seen’ you can be ‘met’.

Realness even with ‘imperfections’ (goodness we all have them) is magnetic, it is powerful and it is insanely attractive!

The reason it is insanely attractive is because it grants other people FULL permission to also be themselves! People feel incredibly comfortable when they are with someone who emanates REALNESS.

But first you need to ‘see’ and ‘meet’ yourself – truthfully – without defences. You need to deploy the henchmen who have been guarding the child.

Total self-devotion states this: “I love and fully accept you into my heart. I will never abandon you again, and no matter how damaged you are I adore you enough to do everything I can to stand in and for you, and I will do everything in my power to help you heal. I am NEVER ignoring you or leaving your side again”.

By doing so you have just thwarted your ego. You have slayed the inner demonic dragon, because your ego requires self-avoidance and self-loathing to exist, and can ONLY creep back in if you fall back into those traps.

You have become a force in the world that spreads light and does its part to put an end to egoic madness, because no longer will you be an enabler or recipient of narcissistic relationship violence.

By meeting yourself with love and acceptance, then no matter what your life has been you are on a direct trajectory to claiming your True Self, dispelling the darkness, becoming love and co-creating real, authentic love.

I hope you enjoyed this article – if you have any comments or questions please post them in the section below, I respond to each comment personally.

Also if you haven’t read Marianne Williamson’s ‘A Return To Love’ you can order it here.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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127 Thoughts on Why The Ego Separates You From Love
  • tashralph@gmail.com'
    Natasha
    February 5, 2014

    I get so confused when it comes to asserting boundaries and also practicing compassion and love towards others. In my damaged mind my boundaries are not being loving. To be loving I must accept someone for who they are even if they don’t treat me well or how I want to be treated. This is how I have been my whole life. I forgive too quickly in the name of compassion. I have such a problem with understanding boundaries and how to have them. I am a daughter of narcissistic parents. Any advice on this?

    • aquua@me.com'
      Irene Madrid
      February 5, 2014

      I have a 92 yr old Narc father and X husband of 42 years. It took me some time to feel clear about healthy boundaries. After all, I never had them before. Be patient and loving with yourself…and do not stop learning about your best boundaries. While I cannot hate these two men I do feel enormous pity for them and can detach when necessary. It is a learned skill. Do not give up on learning about your true and loving self ( which can mean saying no to people).

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2014

      Hi Natasha,

      It truly does take a lot of inner work and healing on ourselves, to work out ‘what is yours and what is mine’.

      It’s our own healing of previous wounds and then working at our self-development which creates a solid understanding of boundaries, what they are, how they are an understanding of what is or isn’t healthy for us, and how to execute them healthily, honestly and directly.

      It’s great you are starting to understand the flawed premise that allowing abuse is ‘loving’. Firstly it isn’t to ourselves, and it certainly isn’t to another. It enables them to continue abusing without any course correction for their own development (if they choose to evolve).

      My advice on this is to take on your personal mission of healing your childhood inner wounds. That is the essential first step – and nothing solid or authentic is going to hold and generate different outcomes for you until you do.

      You see, the little girl inside you believes that the only way to ‘be safe’ or earn ‘any sort of approval’ is to keep giving, keep loving, dont rock the boat and not have any of her own needs met.

      It’s likely she has never anchored into ‘what her needs are’ let alone be able to healthily generate them or expressed for them to be met – which is essential in any healthy, loving and successful relationship – even if just with a friend – let alone a love partner.

      Naturally the little girl inside you feels unworthy of being loved and potential love partners are only going to be the manifestation of that belief. In fact creating real, available love is outside of her present inner identity. She can only be ‘attracted’ to wounded people who can’t love.

      It’s really important for us to get very clear on this – no-one is coming to fix our wounds for us….that’s the job we have to do for ourself. That is what self-love and self-acceptance and our necessay evolution ‘back to love’ is.

      When we finally accept this – then there truly is nothing as important to do as going inwards and dedicating to that journey.

      The solution has to begin with you taking a stand to deem she is worthy enough for you to go to her and do all you can to help her heal.

      Have you looked at NARP? That is the powerful program to heal deeply on ‘the inside’ from narc abuse – any narc, which includes parents.

      Mel xo

    • melissa.roberts1515@gmail.com'
      Melissa
      February 5, 2014

      Dear Natasha,
      Some good resources on codependence and boundaries are Pia Mellody (great on codependence and childhood abuse issues), Anne Katherine- Boundaries, Where You End and I Begin, and Whitfield- Boundaries and Relationships. Perhaps these will help. Pia Mellody also puts out a CD called Permission to Be Precious which speaks about carried shame and feelings from childhood.

    • Jane@JaneFletcher.com'
      Jane
      February 5, 2014

      Natasha, I can so relate to your dilemma! The thing that has helped me the most in this regard is asking myself the question “What would a healthy person do?” It is amazing that when I don’t know what to do, I do somehow seem to know what a healthy person would do! The answer often feels odd and unnatural, but it usually proves to be the correct course of action. In the beginning I mentally selected several women I knew well and believed to be healthy and used them as models. I hope this helps.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 5, 2014

        Great resource suggestions ladies..

        Lovely and thank you for contributing your love and support 🙂

        Mel xo

    • donnadd1nc@gmail.com'
      Donna
      February 5, 2014

      I am as well and diligently working on forgiveness. I have come to believe forgiveness does not require reconciliation and if no contact is necessary, so be it.
      I have genuinely learned to pray for the abusers healing as well as mine. We are all in the care of “GOD” and these deep pains have often taught me that only “GOD” is in charge and can heal and enlighten us. Thank you for sharing and many blessing to all.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 6, 2014

        Hi Donna,

        that is so wonderful you are working on forgiveness.

        Very true that it doesn’t require reconciliation – and in fact ‘reconciliation’ is impossible with narcissists, the closure must come for us within ourselves.

        Wonderful to send love to all concerned, absolutely. Abusers are also wounded children generally as a result of trauma and abuse.

        Absolutely it is the connection to a higher power – whatever our understanding of that power is – that helps set us free.

        Mel xo

    • marcystevenskimball@gmail.com'
      Marcy
      February 6, 2014

      Hello Mel,

      I am in a difficult marraige bith of us are dependant and we both can be very critical and abusive. I walk away feeling hurt and wounded but my husband is fine. When I walk away it doesn’t solve anything. I feel like im walking on eggshells and now Im physically and emotionally sick! I feel like im in qicksand and cant get out bc im weak and afraid. How can I heal when I married a narc ad have no financial resources to live on my own?

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 6, 2014

        Hi Marcy,

        for many people in this community the lessons of dependence have been very hard – and they grant the inevitable crossroad. Do we devote to ourselves, connect to life and find a way to source our own life, or do we remain dependent (precariously) on someone else providing it for us.

        One thing I do know Marcy is that when we let go and decide to devote to ourselves and the creation of our own power the field of life starts arranging itself to support us.

        We don’t have to ‘do it all alone’ because we are connected to the ‘field of life’, and there are the resources there to support us. It is when we position another human being as ‘that source’ then we are in deep trouble.

        I know of many women who left and even went into refuge situations, who dedicated to their own emotional emancipation and then went on to create self-sufficiency.

        Life will support you if that is your intention.

        Mel xo

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      February 6, 2014

      Dear Natasha,
      Even roses have thorns. Keep this in mind.
      It is truly possible to be compassionate, loving and empathetic and yet maintain boundaries. “Great! How?” You may ask. I have been wrestling with that one for some time! Join the club!
      Remember, we are not taught any of these things in this narc-run society we in which we have been raised.
      So how to be loving, caring, compassionate and maintain boundaries?
      First it takes self examination. What are you comfortable with? Really look into that. Also take a look at what your triggers may be. Once you understand yourself as regards these factors you will find it much easier to establish boundaries for yourself.
      You can love others, including the narcs in the world, whilst still acknowledging them for what they truly are, and not be in judgment of them. The non-judgment aspect is very important. You have been in judgment of yourself (because that is what we are taught to do – are we pleasing enough for others? If not, which is most of the time, then we are bad, naughty, not worthy of love and all the rest of the garbage that goes along with that stuff.) for most if not all of your life; women in this society are taught that from a very early age. It is a cultural thing. You can be compassionate regarding the narcs and even love them without having to have much if any interaction with them – when you really learn to love and care for yourself – and not judge yourself -unconditionally. When you can do this you will almost automatically develop good boundaries for yourself and you will find that your narc-radar, so to speak, will start to function very well indeed, and you will be able to spot them pretty quickly and be on your guard around them if you do have to interact with them. Suggestion: re-read Melanie’s blog on how to spot a narc. A couple of things to remember: narcs cannot tell funny stories about how they have ever screwed up somehow. They are not capable of laughing at themselves. They hate for anyone to laugh at them. They also never take any responsibility for anything that goes wrong in their lives. Everything bad that happens to them is someone else’s fault. Be on the lookout for those two things.
      Look at Melanie’s blogs on the neural networks of the brain and how they work. Certainly pertinent items for thought!
      Please keep us posted!

      • margarit72@aol.com'
        Jane M.
        February 9, 2014

        Mel,
        Do you agree with Kay we can love an abuser from far, so long as we don’t live with them, and not judge them?
        I’m struggling with this question:
        Why should we even love someone who ever abused us? Love is energy and sending positive thoughts to someone cruel feels as if I am still in touch with them in a weird way. To me, the goal is not to feel anything toward narcs- not love from far, no wishing them to heal, no hate, just feel nothing towards them. Anytime I feel I am sorry for the ex narc, or wishing him to heal, I feel confused!
        I’m curious to know what your take on this is: should we even love the cruel ones from far, after we detached and are no longer with them?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 10, 2014

          Hi Jane M,

          Ok the reasons why we she should ‘love’ someone who abused us, is because it sets us free…

          Whatever we continue to have painful emotional resistance around means we are doomed to re-experience…

          To me forgiveness and love means seeing the bigger picture..

          Such as ‘You were meant to be in my life to bring up for me my unhealed wounds so that I could FINALLY heal them’

          Became TRULY that is the highest purpose of ALL RELATIONSHIP – is to help each other evolve and heal…For EVERYONE concerned.

          Sooo – the question REALLY is at the painful end of a relationship “Am I going to stay in blame, shame, self-avoidance, victimisation and resentment,or WILL I take 100% full responsibility and evolve my unhealed parts?”

          Our greatest teachers ARE our greatest ‘tormenters’..

          And when we heal and evolve what we need to within ourselves the torment of fear and pain CAN end…

          Also I believe compassion is an essential part of the bigger picture – such as “Given your terrible childhood and horrific wounding I can see WHY you act the way you do”

          (That certainly applies to the 2 ex narcs I experienced)…

          This depersonalises all of it – takes our egoic voice of resentment out (which only attacks ouselves NOT them), and we can LET GO…

          Of course there may be many painful trapped victimised emotions on this topic you need to let go off with QFH to be able to genuinely…

          And truly letting go of victimisation is SO important – to make the space inside you for love and acceptance.

          So really this IS about detachment, because when you have cleaned out your victimisation – you reach acceptance, have the neutrality of ‘love’…(I no longer blame you and wish you the best on your journey), and it doesn’t mean that you have to focus and send love regularly – or even at all.

          Because you are reconciled, you already have become LOVE, and you know that ALL of the field of Life is LOVE anyway…

          The darkness and fear is all an illusion – and we are all going home to the truth one day (LOVE is all that exists), and that applies EVEN for narcs…

          Mel xo

          • Margarit72@aol.com'
            Jane M.
            February 12, 2014

            Thank you, Mel. I’ll try to process your response through my body. Hope I will succeed.

    • k_murals@telus.net'
      Kim
      February 6, 2014

      Dear Natasha,

      A book I would highly recommend is “Boundaries” by Dr. John Cloud & Dr. Henry Townsend. The subtitle is ‘When to Say YES, How to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life’. They have also released books specific to certain topics: “Boundaries in Marriage”, “Boundaries with Kids”, “Boundaries with Teens”, “Boundaries in Dating”, “Beyond Boundaries (Learning to Trust Again)”, and “Boundaries for Leaders”. Some of them have workbooks you can use. To find it, just Google or go to your nearest Christian book store.

      The one sentence which struck me was that God says ‘Yes’ and He says ‘No’…as we are made in His image, he expects us to do the same. I figured, “Well, if God says its OK for me to say ‘No’, then I will!”

      It takes time to identify & honour your authentic self. I hope you will.

      Blessings,
      Kim

  • kathychrissy@yahoo.com.au'
    Kathy Sellers
    February 5, 2014

    Hi Melanie, I really enjoy all your articles. I have been wondering about my partner. I know and he knows he has Aspergers. What I don’t know is if is a Narcissist? He seems to me to be an Aspergers person with narcissistic tendencies? How do I tell the difference? He has driven many relationships to their end by being a bully and yet he has a good side too. Can it be possible that narcissists are similar in nature to Aspergans, just that they are unaware of the harm they do. Do they use different parts of their brains as Aspergers people do? Is there some correlation? Very perplexed to understand what I’m dealing with. One thing for sure is, I can never truly be myself in this relationship and it is damn hard.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2014

      Hi Kathy,

      I am glad you enjoy my articles!

      I do believe there are many similarities between Aspergus and narcissism.

      I always believe we need to bring it back to what WE want, and what is our truth rather than trying to figure out the ‘why’ the other person behaves like that…

      What you are dealing with is – the actions and behaviour you are encountering NOW regardless of ‘why’ it is happening.

      The real questions are ‘is there REAL progress towards growth and healing in this relationship?’

      and,

      ‘what are the REAL reasons I am staying connected to abuse?’

      If we are REALLY, REALLY honest with ourselves the reasons are usually about ‘fear’ and certainly not ‘love’.

      Anything we are co-creating in our life through fear is being generated from our small fearful self and is not our true life.

      You have already identified that you can never be your True Self in this relationship.

      Kathy that isn’t love, life or living.

      And it’s certainly not the highest expression of your purpose in this world – which is reach the full expression of shining your True Self brightly.

      None of that has anything to do with any differences between Aspergus and narcissism ….it is to do with the choice of life YOU are choosing to live.

      Mel xo

      • kathychrissy@yahoo.com.au'
        Kathy Sellers
        February 12, 2014

        Thanks Melanie,
        I see what you are saying. He is a damaged person, not of my doing and certainly happened early in his life. I have some understanding, from a year going to a psychologist, that I cannot ‘fix’ him, and have been advised that I can only fix myself, by making the right choices for me. I have never really been alone in my life, always having male friends or partners, so perhaps I do have some fear of being alone or loneliness, so I grab onto the good times with my present partner and suffer the bad. I have plans to be on my own, it just takes planning and time. I cannot just run away so I try and smooth things over all the time. I know when I do leave, I will look back on the good times with sadness and some regret, but I know that the hurt will pass and I will be free. It is a big leap but I know it must be done. Like the nursery rhyme says “When he is good he is very, very good and when he is bad he is horrible.” I’m sick of being the one who leaves so perhaps I will stay and make him leave. One way or the other, I have set my goal to be free and happy in 2014 so this will happen, I have set my mind to making my life happy for the future.

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      February 6, 2014

      Dear Kathy,
      Melanie is right. Basically, why are you staying in this relationship that is obviously hurting you? Have you judged yourself as not being worthy of being in a happy relationship? What is your relationship with yourself?

      • kathychrissy@yahoo.com.au'
        Kathy Sellers
        February 12, 2014

        Thanks Kay,
        I am worthy of love and in a happy relationship. I know this. Perhaps over worrying that I will never find that lovely man I seek. How could there be any lovely men left who are not already taken. Surely if someone is so wonderful, their partner would never let them go? Its just that I’m over 50 but a very young at heart over 50. I do like myself but feel so narrowed in my options because I have moved so many times I have few friends left. I’m thinking of an overseas trip on my own sometime in the year, just to prove I can do it and enjoy my own company and open myself to new possibilities. It is a start and a plan.

  • aquua@me.com'
    Irene Madrid
    February 5, 2014

    Such powerful thoughts. I have thought and read this in other ways but this brings such clarity to the situation.

  • fionacurtain@aapt.net.au'
    Fiona Curtain
    February 5, 2014

    This latest article on ego really resonated with me – I have just spent the last 3 days almost debilitated with depression and sadness, feeling sorry for myself because ‘no-one will ever love me’, questioning my contribution to the marriage break down – “maybe it really is all my fault? I’m so horrible and unattractive – maybe I had too high expectations of the relationship? – why couldn’t I have just accepted it for what it was? – how come he’s the one in a new relationship with a new family, holding hands with the woman he’s been having an affair with, though he always told me he didn’t like holding hands??”. All that negative self-talk, ego, fear – no wonder I wasn’t feeling loved…imagine what I have been projecting to others??!! It’s so hard to keep focused on the positive, but I need to pick myself up and start loving myself again – I’m sure I did at some stage in my life. Thanks for the reminder to love rather than fear.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2014

      Hi Fiona,

      I am so glad this article spoke to you..

      My first question to you is this…what are you doing to heal?

      Because of course the ‘ego track’ is to try to distract you away from the pain with something else, or cave in to being belted up with the negative self talk.

      And the ego is a pretty formidable entity..,

      These breakdowns in our life are vital turning points if we realise this…this pain is the signal.

      Can you deeply understand that the thoughts and feelings you are having now because of the narc, are not new. Can you deeply open up to understanding their origins are much older?

      This is about going to that hurt, scared, abandoned, feeling unworthy and unloved part of you and doing everything in your power to heal those parts…

      Then it will be sooo clear what this is really about.

      Please realise old wounds need to be met, claimed, felt and released in order to bring good feelings in. They need to be cleared up and out first..

      Mel xo

  • john.tvares@yahoo.com'
    John Vares
    February 5, 2014

    Thank you again Melanie. Every time I read one of your post I learn something new about myself. I seem to attract narcissists and nothing else. I was just wondering the other day, what is it that I’m doing wrong that everyone I seem to attract wants to hurt me. I always knew it was me creating the environment that I wanted to create. I know that if I feel I only deserve to be hurt than I’m going to get more of it. I spent 24 years with my narcissist and I’m still having a hard time dealing with it 10 years later. I feel that I’ll never get over it I only have one option and that’s to cope with it. Some days are easier than others. I don’t understand why I miss her so much knowing what she did to me That’s the part I struggle with. I’m glad I found your website and I’m happy to read all your e-mails. Thanks again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2014

      Hi John,

      I hope this article has allowed you to realise – you need to heal your inner wounds…

      That is the only true solution – period..

      Or eternally it will be more of the same.

      Mel xo

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      February 6, 2014

      Hello John,
      Re-read Melanie’s articles about the neural networks and neural pathways of the brain. This will help you understand what has been going on and why you still attract narcs.
      Please keep us posted!

  • Lizdavis5@yahoo.com'
    Elizabeth
    February 5, 2014

    Excellent description, so easy to identify with…a well thought out piece of work, you should be very proud of this article it will help so many! Thanks Mel

  • brmk64@gmail.com'
    Mike
    February 5, 2014

    That is the story of my tragically codependent life and my six years of recovery, and counting, and not stopping.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2014

      Hi Mike,

      Can you hear the judgement of your ego in your description of yourself?

      That’s exactly what needs to be addressed. You need to approach your healing with love and support – not self-condemnation.

      Maybe you need to find another way to heal?

      Self realization is great but what is required with it is self-love and self-acceptance.

      Inner wounds don’t respond to self-criticism.

      Mel xo

  • jennifer.dugena@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    February 5, 2014

    Speaking of ego, Mel, I would like to share this conversation I had with my 11yr old male nephew who grew up in a rough and violent family environment.

    He also displays violence at the minutest reason e.g. his female cousin is too noisy, he cant sleep so he punched her until she cried.

    I asked him a few questions with the intent to help him realize that what he did was hurtful and that he need not do it again.

    his answers to my questions about why he shouldnt hurt others: “because he’ll be scolded at”

    when I told him – what if no one will scold you ever? why do you think it’s not necessary to hurt others? he replied: “so that there will be a better tomorrow”

    he later changed his answer to “so that no one will cry”

    when i asked him — what does it mean if no one’s crying?

    he answered – “no one’s angry”

    when i asked him – lets pretend no one’s angry and no one will be angry

    he innocently remarked “how was I born if there’s no anger?”

    i was stumped.

    I told him – you dont need anger to be born or to live. but i dont know how to expand on this further in a way that will be easy for him to grasp. or if its possible to teach empathy.

    I also discovered that maybe his answers are really teh best he can come up with and that he really has no capacity to see that what he did is hurtful – and that is what he can only give — as according to his psychological ?/mental rule set? consciousness?
    And I realized, maybe this is how my narc-ex and all narcs think or see the world – and that is all they’re capable of doing no matter how much they try – that is what they are capable of – this is what their capacity really is (?)

    Also Mel, your article is spot on with what Tom Campbell – a NASA Physicist – says about love. That the opposite of love is fear. and that our purpose is to become love or to lower our entropy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2014

      Hi Jennifer,

      Yes what you are describing regarding your nephew is sad – and so symptomatic of growing up in a traumatic environment.

      This is also about ‘nature’ and ‘nurture’. Bruce Lipton has done incredible studies as to what occurs to the development of the foetus when it has received genetic signalling of pain and fear from it’s inherent makeup, (ie the level of consciousness which Mum and Dad brought to the table upon conception) as well as what was occurring to the mother whilst the child was in the womb – and what the mother’s emotions / perceptions of life were.

      The back of the brain responds with over development under stress – which is the survival function. What misses out is the front part of the brain which is aligned with higher consciousness – connection, empathy, ‘oneness’, and the ability to see others as ‘self’.

      Therefore the child is immediately handicapped in regards to empathy and compassion. Then when the child is born the survival programs are further reinforced within the traumatic and dangerous environment.

      I truly believe that people with NPD who display the characteristics simply DON’T comprehend ‘oneness’. They are brain wired into separation and therefore the ability to split for everyone else and objectify them without remorse.

      Truly they could NOT do the atrocious acts they do without conscience if their brain did not support that ‘way of being’.

      You may not be able to help. One thing is certain about abusers – they have no ability to understand any one else’s pain until they fully accept their own.

      Generally what that takes is a major life crash, significant enough for that shift inwards to happen – and then the abuser has to consciously atone, make amends and create another way of ‘being’.

      That may be the reality for your nephew – and his life journey.

      Mel xo

  • jorika8@gmail.com'
    Jan
    February 5, 2014

    Hi Mel Pleased your back after a lovely holiday. I have done all the programs and I’m now going back and reading your articles and e-books. I read everything you ever mention and they are all great books.
    I don’t like this inner child bit, cant seem to get myself around it. I didn’t realise that I attracted a person like a Narc into my life because I have similar traits.
    I have a lot of friends I am outgoing and compassionate towards other less fortunate than myself.
    Since being with the Narc I see where – rejection, abandonment, criticism, no real self-worth. But what you said about -what we protect ourselves from, is what we create. That’s the bit I don’t understand, I ‘m out there now not sitting in judgement of others, I understand that, I try hard not to take things personally and I now am aware of my values and try to life by them and am working on just about everything. I still get that bloody ego self negative talk about what the Narc did or didn’t do constantly so I always get stuck and I cant find anymore things wrong with me that I need to work on – I’m almost exhausted trying ??
    God its hard.
    Cheers.x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Jan,

      thank you – and it is lovely to be back!

      That is great that you have resonated with the resources and suggestions.

      Ok lets dissect this piece by piece.

      First of all there is the ‘negative self-talk’ re what the narcissist did or didn’t do….which of course is part of the obsession of the betrayals etc we feel when we have been narcissistically abused.

      That is incredibly normal and understandable – but as we all know crippling and agonising – especially when they don’t seem to go away…

      That in itself is ‘energy’ and it means that emotionally you are still carrying that energy (the pain of betrayal etc etc etc) – which must and will translate as a ‘wound’ that you will try to protect from happening again, and as per Law of Attraction (we attract our strong emotional charges) you are therefore at risk of experiencing the same wound again in the future – REGARDLESS of your values and how you are efforting to ‘show up’ in life.

      The inner emotional charges ARE the creation of our future life – period.

      They are not clean yet – hence why you are still feeling them – which is your body saying ‘This is NOT the creative truth of WHO I really am’ (That’s always what the signal of negative emotion is)..

      Ok ‘what is wrong’…is simply about locating painful emotional charges (like obsession) and going into those feelings / thoughts and totally claiming them, feeling them and releasing them in QFH sessions.

      Then you will unlock the ‘parts of you’ that are hanging on to these wounds, and transform them.

      I’ll give you an example…think of ‘the thing’ (biggest) that keeps coming up and up (in repeat) for you regarding what the narc did or didn’t do.

      Now sit quietly with yourself, and feel where that emotional charge is in your body. It might be in your heart, solar plexus or another part of your body…

      Now drop deeply into that part of yourself – go right into the emotional wound, be with it, open up into it, and ask yourself “How old is this part of me that is hanging on to this painful emotional charge?”

      And really trust your answer. It may be a number that presents in your head, a ‘feeling’, a ‘voice’ in your head, or an actual memory of something that happened at a certain age.

      Now after establishing that, you can then drop right into the wound – fully feel it, and ask “What is this really about?” and open up to the information that your body will reveal to you.

      The answers are always there for us, if we have gone lovingly to the young underdeveloped, scared part of us that is holding the wound, and if we have pledged to be there for her, and listen to what she has to say.

      When she trusts us she will let us know what is REALLY going on. If we continue to ignore, sidetrack from her or condemn her she won’t.

      When I started doing inner child work I meditated with photos of myself at a very young age and I imagined bringing the very young me, into my heart and pouring love into her.

      That’s when my inner work and healing shifts accelerated beyond any level I had ever worked at prior to this.

      The wounded part of ourselves is an inner child part, NOT a healthy mature adult part.

      A healthy mature (developed) part would simply detach from abuse, know its self-worth and would NOT hold on to pain. A healthy adult part would NOT take on the narc’s pathological stuff.

      That is the uplevelling we are EVOLVING into by healing the wounded parts of our inner child.

      That is how our true emancipation happens for real.

      The truth for all of us is – there was a ‘susceptible wound’ within us (from a young age) which magnetises, co-creates and then holds on to the atrocious behaviour of the narcissist.

      Why you have been feeling stuck is because that wound is still there. Once you do ‘name’ it ‘claim’ it (fully feel, validate and be with it) and then release it (with the QFH process) THEN you will be free of the obsessive repeat thoughts.

      That is the process to get past where you are at now…

      Please ask any other questions you need to for clarification, because it is wonderful questions like yours which can help so many others as well.

      Mel xo

  • rachelgideon@yaho.com'
    rachel
    February 5, 2014

    Taking the journey within is the first step of transcending darkness accepting warts and all:-) awesome post Melanie

  • justme6161@yahoo.com'
    Jennifer
    February 5, 2014

    I was in a narcissistic relationship for the last 2 years.never to myself since 1990 God heals many many childhood wounds.so I wonder how could I get back in this kind of relationship.now he is in jail. I go to court next week as he is being charged for aggravated stalking. As he was in jail, he tried to destroy every relationship I had. He lied horrible terrible lies about me and others.I thought my love could help him. Heal his pain his abandonment.but instead he decided to try to destroy me and abuse me.Will he ever get the help he needs the love that every human deserves? I know that I’m not that person. I am 52. I deserve real love. A real person that love’s me and himself. No more abuse.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Jennifer,

      it is a powerful shock when we realise via the narcissistic abuse experience that this journey was not about loving someone else until it hurts so much that it nearly kills us.

      The profound and real lesson was – finally loving ourselves enough to stop the pain.

      If he is a narcissist, the chances of him ever sourcing and dedicating to healing himself are next to none.

      He is not your responsibility Jennifer – you are. And then you will be responsible to others in wholesome life-affirming ways. To continue loving an abuser is to enable them and allow them to continue abuse. That is not loving for anyone involved.

      The only time narcissists on this planet may heal is when they can no longer project, scapegoat and use other people to offset their inner emotional wounds.

      When they can NO LONGER source that – THEN they may turn inwards and take responsibility – but that will never happen on a collective scale until enough non-narcissistic people become a healthy source to themselves.

      Mel xo

  • nikkibmorgan@aol.co.uk'
    Nikki Morgan
    February 5, 2014

    I have read CWG and always feel a little confused when they say what you give out comes back, many of us that have been in NARC relationships have given until it hurts, forgiveness is easy usually because on a deeper level you feel that you deserved the abuse and was not worthy of anything better. Your message is so true, unless you heal yourself, forgive yourself, nothing else will work. Thank you for your continued guidance and love x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Nikki,

      it is not ‘the action’ we ‘do’ – it is the emotional intention behind any action or in-action which creates ‘the attraction factor’.

      When we were in narc relationships it was our own fears / insecurities and lack of self-honour and self-partnering that created the self-abandoning of giving, giving, giving even when we were getting chewed up alive…

      You are so welcome Nikki 🙂

      Mel xo

  • galeetallen@gmail.com'
    GA
    February 5, 2014

    I’m speechless. Incredible article! It has given me so much to contemplate. What a way to start your 2014 blog!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi GA,

      I’m glad this article resonated.

      2014 is an incredible year – I keep saying it – and I REALLY do feel it!

      Mel xo

  • Miguel2452@aol.com'
    Miguel
    February 5, 2014

    I feel that after 22 years of narc abuse, I’m finally beginning to heal my wounded inner child. I want to thank Tonia for shedding the light that is enabling me to discover ways to combat narc abuse in a systematic process. It seems simple but complex at the same time. I feel rejuvenated and can’t wait to get up in the morning loving myself and showing the world the real me ! Tonia thanks again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Miguel,

      that is so gorgeous after so many years of abuse.

      I LOVE that I could help, and that there is now yet another soul in the world shining her divine light!

      Beautiful….

      Mel xo

  • norahs68@hotmail.ca'
    Sharon
    February 5, 2014

    Amazes me how whenever I am going through something no matter what it is suddenly you post an article on exactly what it is that I am dealing with. Uncanny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Sharon,

      I love the synchronicity of this too!

      We truly are collective souls doing this journey together. My healing is your healing – and so on and so forth!

      Mel xo

  • asa.ostman82@gmail.com'
    Åsa
    February 5, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    Every word you speak feels like the truth to me. You are my greatest source of inspiration. I am about to finish the quanta freedom e-course and it has helped me a lot. I have learned about setting boundaries from life and from your e-course and I no longer feel cravings for attention from narcissists or others. What I have recently discovered is that my biggest issues never was how to say no to destructivity. My biggest fear is living my true potential. I am a nurse and I am now studying medicine but I don’t want to work in the healthcare system in Sweden because it is not healthy. I don’t care about money or anything else that is superficial. I no longer feel the need to have a love relationship. I have taken huge steps forward and I feel more complete than I have ever been, but I lack zest of life. I am very brave when it comes to dealing with pain and destructive people, but whenever I think about my true mission a part of me wants to get a deadly disease so that I can escape. As a matter of fact I recently went through a treatment for cancer in situ. I work as a volunteer but not even they share my values. Wherever I work I feel forced to work in a certain way that feels wrong and I have to act codependently. The whole society is codependent and narcissistic and I do not know how to make people feel more inspired to take responsibility for themselves. I believe there is a way for me to find a meaningful way of living in this world, but I have a limited mind and I have limiting fears. I am also limited when it comes to accepting anything truly good and positive from the outside. I feel like I am here in this world to try to inspire others and that the world can offer me great painful lessons, but it will never be able to offer me unconditional love and joy. I understand that all of this is just the expression of the stage that I am at right now, but it feels good to share my feelings of frustration.

    I had a helpful dream one night. I saw myself getting lighter and lighter for each step I took forward, and I saw how the light spread to others like rings on water. I believe that we humans can have a positive influence on the world and live a meaningful life without noticing it ourselves.

    By the way there is a movie that is called Dorian Grey (2009) that may give the viewer an idea about what it’s like to be a narcissist.

    Thank you Melanie for all the wisdom and inspiration you share!

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      LauraG
      February 6, 2014

      Asa,

      Thank you for that beautiful dream fragment. I had a dream that angels were coming down into the dark, dark basement through a revolving door. One by one they entered and the basement got more and more filled with light. See! Your ripples of impact are happening already! Just keep going forward and the answers will come.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Asa,

      Ok your post is great in so many ways…

      First off – the recognition that your greatest fear is ‘that of living your full potential’..

      That TRULY has nailed it – it is the same for everyone – because that is exactly what the ego is trying it’s hardest to stop us being.

      Because if we REALLY started being our highest and truest selves the ego would be totally out of a job…

      OK this is where your ego is giving you all the reasons and confusions re why you can’t go forward – shouldn’t etc…through beliefs, thoughts and feelings of emotional blocks – outer assessments of the world etc…

      All guarding the inner fear / wounds that you need to shift.

      What is outstanding Asa is that you have NAMED these wounds…you know EXACTLY what the blocks are…

      Now all that is left is REALLY simple. You have the tool of QFH…so make a list of all of these limiting blocks – muscle test for the ‘worst’ and start down your list of targeting ‘that’ wound directly and shifting and releasing.

      That’s ALL you have to do…and I am so sorry if that sounds too simple…

      But truly that IS the SIMPLE answer that your ego does not want you to find or do.

      Your ego is keeping you in the ‘analysis paralysis’ – thinking about it, trying to work it out cognitively – and trying to find a solution, live with it, mitigate it, accept it, morph into someone else to try to change it etc etc etc….

      Whereas all you need to do is go directly to those limiting beliefs / wounds and release / shift them out.

      What’s underneath those limiting / painful beliefs?

      Your NATURAL True Self…that JUST IS – and who ‘is’ the highest expression of you…

      The very YOU that your ego is trying to keep you away from.

      The SAME person you met in your dream – waiting for you to show up and come and get that person ‘out’ of where they have been – buried underneath false beliefs…

      Mel xo

  • Exteerox@yahoo.com'
    Mg
    February 5, 2014

    Perfect Melanie, you never cease to amaze me. Thank you for the time, effort and love you put into it for us!

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    February 5, 2014

    So true. I used to think that my life was over when I had to spend so many years in a psychiatric hospital healing the wounds of my inner child. Everyone else seemed to be having a wonderful life whilst I was agonising in dredging up all my wounds. My life looked like it was going nowhere.

    I did not realise that this was only part of my life’s journey and not the end of my life. As I healed, life got better.

    That was all fine and I was living a happy life except for the estrangement between my daughter and me. I dealt with the grief of her loss and rediscovered myself and thought that all was well.

    Then I discovered that there was MORE! I got involved with a N/psychopath and went on a very painful adventure, at the end of which I realised that this relationship was being used to recognise and heal the very deep wounds created by the sudden death of my father at age 9. I have now experienced all those feelings around his loss and unavailability. It has been so hard to let go of my dad forever.

    However, in the letting go, more of me than ever is coming to life. Letting my dad go means that I can now live my full life. Over this past year I have grown so much and am having a wonderful time. I thought that the life I had before was good, but what I have now, I would not change for anything.

    I feel safe and secure, am loving my work and my home and am happy just being with myself without a relationship in my life. As I have gone through this most recent relationship, it has mirrored the stages of grief about my father. As I have felt each new pain and released it, I have become aware of the suffering that I endured as a young child and it is truly amazing that I am still alive and have not died along the way, taken drugs or become a prostitute. It is grace that has brought me this far.

    Now, I am at the point of truly letting my father go and the relationship with my ex-boyfriend is also mirroring this. I occasionally see him because we are both connected with the same dance school. The difference now, is that I can see him for who he is, and his situation is fairly dire. The difference for me is that it no longer causes me any pain. I feel a deep sadness for what cannot be. I cannot get my dad back and parallelling that, there is no possibility of having my ex-boyfriend in my life in any way because of his issues and dramas that he would bring if I allowed it.

    So, my inner child feels very loved, happy, peaceful, joyous and I am caring for her well in our happy home with our kitten and older cat. I was a loving person before,but now there is a deeper sense of loving and compassion that has been uncovered in me. I also have no need to stay around any person or situation that is likely to damage me. If it does not serve me in a positive way, then I am not having it in my life and am now walking away. I have come home to me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Suzanne,

      it is so gorgeous to see the level of self-love and love you extend to others now…

      You are ‘doing’ and ‘being’ connection and relatedness beautifully in Life.:)

      It is such a freedom after releasing so many inner wounds…

      Mel xo

  • Sweetestbluebird@gmail.com'
    Karyn
    February 6, 2014

    Dear Melanie,
    The metaphor about the castle with the disfigured and abandoned child was brilliant. It all makes sense, that narcisstic behavior is the extreme side of the egoic spectrum always acting out of fear, which we all do but not to these great extremes. Finally it is making sense to me…Thank You Thank You Melanie!! It is so important to understand and to approach what happened to us from a perspective of compassion and knowledge in order to make the experience with the narcissist an opportunity to make ourselves better NOT bitter. XO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Karyn,

      thank you.

      As I was writing this article the metaphor just poured out as I typed.

      That SO often happens, its really like taking ‘dictation’ and that’s how I know it is ‘through me’ but not ‘of me’…

      It made incredible sense to me too – as I took ‘the dictation’!

      I LOVE your expression of making ourselves ‘better and not bitter’. That is a wonderfully inspired expression too – and one I have never heard before!!

      Thank you so much for sharing 🙂

      Mel xo

  • tashralph@gmail.com'
    Natasha
    February 6, 2014

    Thank you Melanie and everyone who responded to my post. What a truly supportive community. Lots of things to think about 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Natasha,

      and you are so welcome. This community is amazing – absolutely!

      Mel xo

  • mydogrudy@comcast.net'
    Deb
    February 6, 2014

    I very much ennjoyed this particular blog. I am reading Gary Zukav’s The Seat Of The Soul and it resounds very strongly with me. I have so many books lined up including works by Pia Mellody and Barbara DeAngelis.

    I’m grateful for your reading recommendations, and I wonder if you might be willing to include a few as is relevant to your blog post, as you did here. It’s a terrific road map in addition to the NARP!

    I feel incredibly excited that I’m ready for this now.

    It is said that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. You are certainly a teacher, Mel. But I also think the Narc was. That relationship and incredible egoic injury was a major turning point in my life. It *forced* me to stop running from my inner demons and pain. I knew I had hit a brick wall. After several months of not being able to heal based on mere psychological work/NPD study, I began the NARP work in earnest.

    That allowed me to recognize where so much of my pain lies, what role that relationship played, and what role my own ego plays. I can now reflect on a lifetime of operating from ego instead of love – but not out of shame or blame. My mother was incredibly narcissistic and can be very domineering and manipulative. I see it clearly, however I love her deeply and will not abandon her. Instead, I am learning to better negotiate her behavior and detach.

    I am so excited to be on this journey! There is a convergence in my life at this time! Exiting a job that has sapped my psyche and spirit; shedding limiting beliefs and shame so that I can create a life of meaning and purpose; embracing myself as a loving, spiritual being who is having a human experience. Most importantly to me, understanding that I am *not* my ego or thoughts – and how to step back, detach, and be the observer. That last part is quite a challenge and I’ve a lot of work to do in that regard. So worth it versus continuing to experience life as I was.

    This message of yours is part of that convergence. The student is ready! THANK YOU so much Mel for sharing all of your love and wisdom with us!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Deb,

      I certainly do share when I am inspired regarding material…and it is wonderful to see the community grow with these resources that I too gained so much from..

      So pleased you are loving the journey – because that is SO special – and so ‘unegoic’ to delight in the magic without the need for specific destinations!

      Powerful!

      Absolutely narcs were teachers of the highest order…by bringing up the lowest energy….

      How perfect that you are stepping out of the old patterns and purposefully creating your evolution…

      You are waking up out of the trance – and stepping into your True Self and True Calling HUGELY!!

      Love it – and thank you for your post Deb, and you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • grollalion@yahoo.com'
    LauraG
    February 6, 2014

    Melanie,

    I can’t tell you how much the story about the disfigured child in the basement has helped me to understand. Like a child listening to a fairy tale, I read it slowly and pictured the ornate castle in my mind. I pictured the N’s I know and love, each in their lovely charming guises–or picky shaming guises–and I was able to FEEL their fear and lostness. Understanding helps me to have compassion. I don’t know why. Its as if I have to make a certain logical framework in my mind to build the bridge between my lower, hurt self and my higher unhurt self. And, truly it works better once I understand.

    I left my N six months ago and have been shedding, day by day, the shabby coat of shame and resentment and the extra pounds I gained as I read about narcissism, began to face that–yes–I was being cheated on, lied to and gaslighted. Reading your sentence that said that what we defend ourselves against is what we attract really struck me.

    Now that I am coming to understand narcissism and am hypervigilant against them, I do seem to be attracting them! Not in a bad way, though, more that I am seeing them so clearly where ever I go. Just Sunday, a narcissist sat next to me all during a Superbowl party and I watched myself go through the entire gamut of emotion I’d gone through with my lover of 5 years. In two hours I went from sparkly delight at being found attractive, blushing embarrassment at the sheer overwhelm of his gushing advances (love bombs), a growing knot in my stomach, pulling back, dawning awareness that this felt bad, pulling away, saying no, then, his increasingly negative and finally HARSH judgments and put downs because I would not give him my phone number.

    In a condensed version I saw, 1) my need for attention (the damaged little girl wanting a man to see me), 2) the false flattery and how tailored it was to the cues of damage I gave out, 3) my own gut feeling of “the predator! Run!”, 4) setting boundaries, 5) the discard and destroy response when I wouldn’t supply his drug.

    It was a review lesson from my soul and I was so gratified that I now have the tools to recognize and react in a new, self-loving way. I know a real, healthy love is on its way but its wonderful that I do not feel the need for a man right now. I am so happy just to be happy!

    Melanie, your articles are profound and amazing. Truly, you are the teacher. And Narcissism is such a good way to find your students. Glad you are out there.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi LauraG,

      I am so glad the story helped!

      this is fabulous that you are really seeing clearly the truth and the wounds that require healing.

      It is really important to have the 90/10 rule. 10% at the most (after initial few weeks of discovering narcissism) of full attention on yourself and NOT narcs..

      Absolutely Law of Attraction will bring you more of ‘what your focus is on’..

      What would we rather Life deliver to us?

      A more healed, greater, freer and more empowered version of ourselves or more narcissists and narcissistic abuse?

      I LOVE that you are breaking free into happiness, and you are very welcome Laura 🙂

      Mel xo

  • fdlee@live.ie'
    Kate
    February 6, 2014

    HI Mel,

    I would like to highlight another element to further complicate this matter, a thing called love addiction. Having read into this I feel this is the reason I attracted a narc and bad behavior towards me. As discussed in the co-dependancy route love addiction stems from lack of nurturing in childhood. I am finding it hard to come to terms with this which basically is a massive need to have someone to love,(becomes obsessive love)which is extremly painful as you start to live your life through this person and by the pure stress of that it leads to fear emotions: abandoment, jealousy anger, and it does not allow for to get self dependance, Kate.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Kate,

      ‘love addiction’ is synonymous with the enmeshment of the co-dependent / narcissist.

      It is two sides of the same coin – trying to source love, approval and worthiness through another being in an intimate relationship.

      That is EXACTLY what co-creating narc abuse is about – and what we ALL played out…

      Narc relationships ARE obsessive love – without exception…

      The healing for relationship addiction and narcissistic abuse is identical Kate because it is the SAME thing.

      Mel xo

  • elenamccarthy@aol.com'
    E
    February 6, 2014

    This post and all of these comments are perfect and so helpful. After reading this though, I now am confused …
    I spent years focusing on my Narc’s issues and considered them the ‘reason’ for why he was treating me so poorly and not letting us love like we c/should. He was constantly trying to sabotage our happiness and would go from telling me that he loves me with all his heart and wants to spend the rest of his life with me to then suddenly shutting me out and walking away with no explanation or remorse or concern/empathy for my suffering. I tried and tried to help fix him and overcome his issues but it now seems that I was not just a mirror for him but he for me and my issues are exactly the same.
    Does that make me a narcissist too? I may not have enough self-love, acceptance, or esteem and I definitely have to heal my wounded inner child but I do have empathy and a conscience. Yet I struggle to forgive him even though I now understand that I need to be forgiven too. I am so confused.

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      February 6, 2014

      Dear E,
      Highly doubtful you are a narc. However, having spent your focusing on the narc’s issues you have started to absorb them as your own. This signals a definite lack of boundaries on your part. You never learned how to have healthy boundaries.
      The narc you have been with will not change. You cannot change anyone, anyway. It is time to focus on yourself and your happiness.
      Do not try to forgive the narc right now. You will not be able to at the moment and if you keep trying right now you will drive yourself emotionally crazy.
      Learn to love yourself unconditionally and forgive yourself first before you attempt to forgive anyone else. When you realize that you were never taught certain life skills such as really learning how to love yourself and that you were just doing the best you could with what you had in terms of skills, knowledge and experience you will find that actually there is nothing to forgive; you were just doing the best you could with what you had. The same is true of narcs. The thing that makes us so angry with them, and ourselves for not seeing their acts of deceit for what they are, is the depths and breadths of their deceitfulness.
      Please keep us posted!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi E,

      please read my article “Are You With A Narcissist” because that spells out all the NPD traits – that are (I believe) the true indicator of a narcissist (or not).

      The bottom line of all of this is – the emptiness and pain of trying to create self from outside of self..

      All people not FULLY in their True Selves are doing this – painfully…

      Narcs AND co-dependents.

      TRULY the ONLY difference regarding this ‘spiritual / human malfunction’ is co-dependents HAVE a conscience, and care about others..

      That’s it in a nutshell – period.

      I hope this helps. If you have a functioning and consistent conscience you are not a narc.

      Mel xo

  • marcystevenskimball@gmail.com'
    Marcy
    February 6, 2014

    Hi Mel,

    I loved your article ! It’s so true everything you said. I wanted to share a book I just read that talks about the ego and how everyone has 2 voices and the loudest is the ego and is always the wrong choice. The book is full of wisdon it’s “Change your mind and you’re life will follw” by Karen Casey. I’d love to know your thoughts. Thank you for your article.
    Marcy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Marcy,

      Thank you so much for sharing this book. I haven’t read it, but it is now on my booklist!

      Mel xo

  • marcystevenskimball@gmail.com'
    Marcy
    February 6, 2014

    One more question how do you heal your unhealed, wounded parts???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Marcy,

      I wrote a post reply to Jan above…the explanation is in that post.

      Mel xo

  • anna@thewellbeingclinic.co.nz'
    Anna
    February 6, 2014

    Hi Melanie, thank you for bringing the principles of A course in Miracles into the Forum. I absolutely love Mariannes work and for a long time have described her as my spiritual guru! I listened to your radio show and agree with all that you said however I was just wondering about your perspective on kicking the ego out the door and on getting rid of it. My perspective is slightly different to that as I believe in feeling there is a part of us we need to “get rid of” or “reject” this is just another (very cunning) ploy of the ego to keep us separated from our authentic selves. I have since come to the realisation for me that all parts must be loved and embraced and brought back into the whole and that when my ego is in full alignment with my heart it can be a force to enable me to reach my full potential. In Osho’s book on fear he offers the idea that fear must be present in our lives and is something to embrace and use to drive us forward rather than avoid and resist (which is egoic behaviour). I am still trying to find my way with this but it’s more about the heart and soul (love) leading the head (fear and ego)rather than the other way round. Just wondering what your thoughts are on this? PS: Are you going to see Marianne when you are in LA?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Anna,

      you are welcome.

      My understanding of ‘kicking our ego to the curb’ is one of starving it – by NO LONGER feeding it!

      Meaning that if we go to the child (in the cell) and don’t grant the henchman their paycheck (any attention) we ARE actually attending to the wounds rather than doing the INSANE paralysis / analysis our ego loves to make us dance with – which is in fact JUST tactics to keep us away from going to the child with love, support and healing.

      THAT to me is loving ALL parts – all REAL parts – and dissolving ego.

      The ego is a False Self – it is an illusion – it isn’t real.

      I think what is very important is that we realise our pain and woundedness is very real but the tricks, twists and narcissistic tactics (ego) that keep us separated from ourselves (including these wounds) are not our Source / God /True Self..

      Darkness is not light…

      When you talk about Osho embracing / feeling pain – ABSOLUTELY That is it – that IS going to the child!

      That is NOT ego!

      Ok so does that make sense?

      No plans to see Marianne at this stage in LA, however so many things are emerging, unfolding around the trip – nothing would surprise me!

      I am saying “yes’ To life and Life is saying a resounding “yes” back to me!

      Mel xo

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 10, 2014

        Woohoo update,

        through synchronistic events – I AM seeing Marianne now…

        As I stated before – after saying a huge ‘Yes” to Life, and fully surrendering it is so beautiful to see events unfolding gorgeously!!

        Mel xo

  • karen.ksyl@gmail.com'
    Karen kayl
    February 6, 2014

    Hello Melanie,
    Your information and website have changed my life. I have come to understand my narc-ex-husband much better and can now work on forgiveness. It has brought me back to some peace after last year’s divorce from him.

    Question: I worry that my 16 year old daughter might be displaying narc tendencies and it worries me. She is highly intelligent, responsible, athletic…and has many other great qualities. Those items are wonderful to be able to say about one’s child!
    It’s hard for me to discern at times if it is simply the maturity level of a 16 year old or if early signs of narcissism can exist?
    Thoughts?
    Thank you.
    Karen

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Karen,

      That is wonderful Karen that you have received so much more relief…

      Ok what is important re your daughter is that you POWERFULLY shift emotionally in regard to how you ‘see her’.

      Have you read my previous articles about healing our children?

      The most powerful emotional (creation) force a child has is his or her mother.

      When you shift into the emotional beingness of what you would like to ‘see’ in regards to your child, (YOUR inner identity level) then your child’s energy will follow.

      She emerged from your womb and the connection between your energies is absolute.

      That is the MOST empowering thing you could do for your daughter.

      Many people use the goal setting Module in NARP to work on shifts for their children…

      If you read the article it will help you understand how this can be achieved.

      Mel xo

  • sailland.claudia@gmail.com'
    Claudia
    February 6, 2014

    I started listening to my ego with a detached point of view early this week. “You have some cat hairs on your coat. People will think you’re dirty. And maybe that your house is dirty too”. “Listen to you, telling people you want to be a writer, but what did you write today, a masterpiece huh ?”. “Doing a module again ? Can’t heal by yourself ?” The difference is I JUST DON’T LISTEN TO IT ANYMORE. I have some cats hairs in my coat but nobody notices and frankly, I took these two cats out of the streets so it means I am generous and full of love. I didn’t write a masterpiece today but hopefully, I hang in there and someday I may will ! And yes, I need these modules to heal and I’m committed to it so that’s a good thing.
    Melanie, thank you so much. And thank you everyone to read this blog : you are all beautiful people trying to heal yourselves !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Claudia,

      That is great that you are not listening to your ego anymore.

      Be very aware that for every ‘egoic voice’ there is a corresponding inner child wound…and what is wonderful is if we find and go to the wound and heal it – then there is NOTHING left for the ego to guard!

      That’s actually the best way to dissolve (get rid of) ego…

      Fabbo you are committed to healing Claudia!

      You are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

      • sailland.claudia@gmail.com'
        Claudia
        February 7, 2014

        Hi Mel,

        You’re right. There’s no hidding possible. So I listen to my ego in that very detached way and use this material to work on during the modules and find the roots of such judgemental feelings. Still a lot to shift but it doesn’t interfere with my day-to-day life anymore and it’s already a big step for me 😉

  • carol.artlife@gmail.com'
    Carol
    February 6, 2014

    Thanks Melanie for a great and relevant article. I love this learning and healing journey. Just yesterday I was listening to James Hollis, a jungian analyst, and he quoted Jung on fear –

    “The spirit of evil is the negation of the life force by fear. Only boldness can deliver us from fear and if the risk is not taken, the meaning of life is violated”.

    I believe that the boldness he talks about is the act of facing and loving all of us – we must become conscious of our fears and everything associated with it. And we need to be patient, kind and loving (like a good parent), while we do this. This is the path that I keep returning to.
    I am slowly understanding my own worth and that I can be here and take up space – and have a voice.

    Take care
    Carol x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Carol,

      you are very welcome.

      I SO agree that the MOST BOLD thing we can ever do is face and love and accept ourselves…

      That is the greatest courageous act of all…

      Gorgeous you are on this path Carol!

      Mel xo

  • mowalker6@gmail.com'
    Monica
    February 6, 2014

    Claudia – your post made me smile.
    Perseverance is vital for any art – keep on writing! And perseverance for healing too. I have a cat and sometimes think those thoughts too. I occasionally think I’d like to write – but then I shut myself down with a similar voice you use on yourself for cat hairs – lol. I’m so glad to hear you don’t listen to that ‘voice’ anymore. As you say; nobody notices the cat hairs. But the fruits of perseverance can be noted – keep up your good work – inner and writing :)).

    • sailland.claudia@gmail.com'
      Claudia
      February 7, 2014

      Thanks so much Monica. And yeah ! So I am not the only one asking this question about hair cat. I knew it ! 😉
      I always have been this writing person (I’m french so maybe you can’t tell from my poor english) and this is so helpful. You get to know you better, to understand others and create something at the same time. That’s wonderful.
      I wrote a short story for one of my friend because her mother died and she was really afraid to forgot the sound of her laugh. And this thought makes me so sad. So I imagined that girl who recorded every laugh she could hear and have her own laugh collection, every one related to family situations that makes her mum laughted when she was alive. My friend cried when she read it but she’s not afraid anymore because she knows she will, all her life, hears laughes that will make her smile because it will reminded her such a great mum she has.
      That’s so powerful. You should totally write ! And forgot about this hairs cat 😉

  • jreute@hotmail.com'
    Joy
    February 6, 2014

    Marianne’s book helped me so much years ago before I became enmeshed in a narcissistic relationship. I had done so much work on myself and getting myself to a point where I was open to trust someone enough to let them into my inner being. Before, the fear was so overpowering I could enter into any relationship with a man. Yet, when I finally did, I created this relationship with a monster. I am realizing that the work I started is not yet complete. That I was really co-dependent and needed to fix someone to heal the pain I had inside. It all came to the surface during this experience. I am on my way towards healing all of this past programming, and am grateful for all of your resources. At times it is hard to access the feelings related to the flashbacks I experience, other than the feeling of “yucky” stuff. I’m wondering if my peptide addiction is trying to hook me and how I finally once and for all release this addiction to pain, fear, and shame. I have been working your modules on forgiveness and releasing the pain, but the memories keep coming up. I feel quite an energy shift with reiki,could this help accelerate the process?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 6, 2014

      Hi Joy,

      that is great that you are on your healing journey.

      It truly is about getting to the bottom of the ‘memories’…It really is about going directly into the charge on the painful memory(s) that keeps resurfacing – and releasing it.

      If you use the technique that I described to Jan above it should make the claiming of the wound much more solid…Then it can be fully released.

      The new NARP Modules are very, very soon to be released in the Recovery Forum for NARP Members. The upgraded process that I have described to Jan is within them.

      The results are really good…

      You may wish to wait for those healings and then use them on the deeper stuff that seems like it isn’t budging…

      Any process that resonates with you and works for you is great!

      Mel xo

      • jreute@hotmail.com'
        joy
        February 7, 2014

        Thanks Mel,

        I have been doing the process you mention above in your reply to Jan through NET. It accesses the original wound that leads to each painful memory. I feel that the inner child work is so important for fully claiming our spiritual essence and healing past wounds. It is great that you are going to integrate this into you healing modules so others can do this work without having to spend fortunes. I also have pictures of myself as a child that I meditate with and it does seem to restore spiritual energy that seemed to be lost. I’m looking forward to your new modules.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 7, 2014

          Hi Joy,

          yes it really is about ‘going within’. We can even target the charges and painful trapped emotions about ‘the peptide addiction’ – ‘the reoccurring pain and find and release beliefs about that.

          The clue really is anything that ‘hurts’ that is still coming up – there is a core wound(s) connected we can find and release.

          The new Modules will help at a deeper level.

          Mel xo

  • ginadestafney@comcast.net'
    Gina Marie
    February 7, 2014

    Mel – It’s been one wonderful month of no contact from my 5 yr relationship. I mustered up the strength to call him and tell him I no longer want to be in his life and spelled out all the reasons why from his verbal abuse to his unaccountability and never apologizing for his behavior. His only response was “I understand…I understand” five times! I exposed him on all counts! My question Mel, is…is this an apology and does he in his solitude truly reflect on what he’s done to me?? This was his response in a text after our conversation ended. “It’s unfortunate that you had to endure all that you did, I can never forgive myself for creating scars that will probably never heal fully…therefore I have to do whatever I can to never cause you more harm…I thank you for all you have been to me and all you have done for me and my sons…I am grateful for you”. I would LOVE your take on this! xxxx

  • ginadestafney@comcast.net'
    Gina Marie
    February 7, 2014

    Also he told me “I don’t blame you for giving up..my Mother tried and couldn’t help me…look what I did to you!” I believe if he wanted to change, he would seek help for himself..no one else.

    • sailland.claudia@gmail.com'
      Claudia
      February 7, 2014

      Don’t buy this last one.
      Heal yourself is all that you are able to do. Create your one path in life. If he figured it out one day, good for him. But you are not entitled to do it. And as you said, “if he wanted to change, he would seek help for himself”, really. That’s what I learned. And frankly, it’s a relieve !
      You’ll be fine Gina 😉

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 7, 2014

      Hi Gina Marie,

      it is SO important to understand that words are cheap – VERY cheap.

      Actions are what are REAL.

      If he has done the narc dance – it doesn’t matter what words come forth at ANY point – or EVEN what those words are.

      We have all heard them – we have all seen crocodile tears, we have all heard promises, ‘regret’ etc..

      As Dr Phil – once said the indicator or future behaviour is past behaviour….UNLESS of course this person has done a deep healing and recovery journey and WANTS to fully commit themselves to that and take 100% responsibility – then words are CHEAP!

      Without exception…

      Mel xo

  • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
    Patti
    February 7, 2014

    OMGosh, Melanie…

    This article is exactly where I am at today. This past week or so I feel I have turned a significant corner in my healing, and it is in the same vein as what you have written.

    Not only have I forgiven my exN, but also myself for being “imperfect”. The weight on my heart has lifted..profound understanding and compassion has replaced the hurt and loathing I have felt for him and myself. I don’t think I have ever in my life experienced such a shift in my body and emotions as I have this week…the peace is profound and utterly miraculous.

    Evidence of this is found in my ability to sleep and wake up in tranquility, and to be out and about and not worry about being “triggered” by memories and images of my past life with him. I can even listen again to music that was “ours” and be able to sing along without torturous feelings of grief. What freedom!!!

    Thank you to NARP, to my Facebook friends, to your many articles that I have revisited recently and to God for His sovereign hand in my life…the author of all healing.

    I am filled with sadness and much compassion for the tortured man/boy as I realize that the pain he caused me was NOT PERSONAL, but was born from a tortured inner self that could be no other way. I completely forgive him.

    Thanks again, Melanie

    • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
      Patti
      February 7, 2014

      A question…

      So, where does the lack of conscience fit into the story in this article? When and how is the conscience “lost” ?

      Thanks!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 7, 2014

        Hi Patti,

        I am so thrilled to hear about your level of freedom and release.

        Patti when a True Self is submerged, separated from and disowned with utter contempt – that connection eventually MUST happen with life and other people.

        Because there is ‘Only one person in the room’.

        SO the real person is turned against – as are all others…

        Then the False Self has free reign…

        Loss of conscience is the ultimate separation, and it is the ONE distinguishing feature of narcissism that trumps all others.

        Mel xo

    • jreute@hotmail.com'
      joy
      February 7, 2014

      Patti,

      How long did it take you to get to this point and how often did you work the modules?

      I am looking forward to the day when I am no longer triggered by memories..ie songs as you mentioned.

      • raeannerose@gmail.com'
        Raeanne
        February 8, 2014

        I would like to know this too. I hate those triggers! I do find that going deep inside as Mel suggests helps. And asking…what is this about?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 10, 2014

          Hi Patti and Raeanne,

          what is really important is to not be in resistance.

          When we ‘don’t like’ the triggers and ‘can’t wait for them to end’ we just cement them deeper into our life.

          Surrender is a powerful practice, and is the fastest track to breakthrough.

          When we surrender into the knowing that the triggers are a blessing offering us the golden opportunity to find our wounded parts and release them – then we are no longer resisting them.

          This is the irony of every emotion or event in life ‘we don’t like’. If we resist it persists.

          If we allow, welcome and transform than before you know it you will pass through these triggers, uplevel yourself and no longer endure them.

          The same occurs for people with serious illnesses. If they accept it, use it as the signal to heal something deeper and express gratitude for the transformation what often happens, is the illness can then leave.

          It has delivered its message.

          The same goes for painful emotions.

          I hope this helps 🙂

          Mel xo

          • raeannerose@gmail.com'
            Raeanne
            February 11, 2014

            This makes total sense. Time to bring out the tissues I am sure. Resisting is avoiding the pain. That only delays the inevitable. The journey through the abyss. Eventually, we all have to face the hurt head on. I have discovered if you don’t deal with it you get physically sick! Your body screams what your mind denies. Not sure what awaits when the light finally shines but it surely has to be better than holding onesself as an emotional prisoner to ideas and magical thinking and false promises.

  • saralou_d@yahoo.com'
    Sara
    February 8, 2014

    Hi!

    Great article, as usual. I’m happy so many other’s feel the timeliness in what we are all experiencing right now in our journey. I’m reading a fabulous book called The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. Absolutely invaluable book for releasing ourselves from our inner prison of the ego. Just thought I would throw that one out there.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2014

      Hi Sara,

      Thank you! Yes I agree ‘The Untethered Soul’ is another wonderful read – absolutely.

      I also thoroughly recommend reading it.

      Thank you for suggesting this wonderful resource to the community.

      Mel xo

  • jlafon62@live.com'
    Jackie Lafon
    February 8, 2014

    I have your books and they really helped me know that my x was a narc.
    I have a friend who has a husband that is a narc but I know she doesn’t know it. They constantly fight in front of their 9yr old son and he’s acting up at school. He pretty perfect at home though. I know I can’t get her on line to read all this info about narc so I was wondering if I can get the books in paper back. I would never have known what he is if I hadn’t read your books. It totally showed me what my x was and I believe it will help her too. I just want her to leave him for her and her sons sake. Thank you. Jackie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2014

      Hi Jackie,

      My books are digital only I am sorry.

      Keep praying and sending love to your friend.

      It can often be very much about timing, and finally when we have had enough…

      She just may not be ready yet. When the time is right she will be.

      Mel xo

  • CPK..SKILLFULMEANS@GMAIL.CO'
    CHARLENE
    February 9, 2014

    During a recent surprise narc attack, my sister’s death the day before was used in a hurtful verbal attack. Is nothing sacred to the Narc? Remember NARP: The narc does not play fair. However, the good news is that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I cannot imagine ever breaking No Contact again. Getting out of Ego, I realize the narc is so sick and in so much pain he will lash out, then later deny what he said or did, to not feel shame.

    My sister is no longer around to tell me, “GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY!” but to not do so would be disrespectful to my Big Sister’s
    memory.

    When I walked away from this abuse I felt FREE. REALLY REALLY AUTHENTICALLY FREE!!! NARP WORKS, BY GOSH, BUT YOU GOTTA PUT IN THE TIME AND EFFORT.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2014

      Hi Charlene,

      No nothing is sacred…

      When narc injury occurs ANY missile may get picked up and hurled.

      Its an angry immature five year (the level of emotional intelligence) with privy to adult information with zero conscience. It is all about getting revenge, with no ‘concern’ for the other person.

      This is one of the things that makes narcs SO distasteful and repugnant – how low they can go…and how ‘anything’ they can get their hands on as a weapon is fair game.

      And if they can’t get their hands on it – they will make it up…

      Atrocious…

      I am SO pleased you have shook you head, and walked away.

      Great you are NARPing, and VERY true this is NOT an easy journey – it takes WORK and great EFFORT!

      Keep going, you are doing great…and your sister IS cheering for you and sending love from the other side – absolutely!!

      Mel xo

    • raeannerose@gmail.com'
      Raeanne
      February 11, 2014

      Yes Charlene… nothing is sacred. My religion, my parents, my friends, my perception of reality, my tastes in clothing or music or art have all been attacked. And I have been blamed for not knowing better, for having naive trust and being ignorant, for trusting where I should have questioned others, and being unforgiving when my heart was smashed multiple times. It is all a set up so narcs can feel their own worth whilst tearing you down. Thus they feel superior and in controll once again. And gain their supply from mulitple sources. Very sick.

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    celina
    February 10, 2014

    Hi Mel,
    Why do narcs hide their true selves; the little lost trapped child inside. If we were just allowed to meet the little child we might just love him. How do they know we will reject them? They are not us? My narc was many many things not all good, but I did see a soft gentle side of him. And he was the one that mentioned that men have a feminine side too. I think he just wanted to be accepted for being him.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 10, 2014

      Hi Celina,

      because long, long ago this child was dismissed by the narc as ‘worthless, unlovable, and flawed.’

      The narc is TERRIFIED that he / she will be rejected and abandoned if anyone sees the truth.

      That is the narc’s deepest terror.

      This is why narc’s strike first..You have to be devalued and discarded before you do it to the narc…

      All narcs emotionally feel that they are unlovable – the self-loathing is extreme…

      Many narcs portray and discuss ‘softness’, and appear as ‘gorgeous gentle souls’ between narcissistic rages…

      But what you need to understand is this – you are SEEING the mask at these times, the adaptation to ‘get what I want’…the narcissist being ‘nice’ is like watching him or herself – like a movie of someone else…it is NOT the real person.

      And it feels like an act to the narcissist – he or she CAN’T feel it as real…

      And it can NEVER be until the narcissist heals and accepts him or herself…

      No-one can love an adult back to emotional health and fix them…the adult needs to become the parent to the inner child that the inner child never had.

      Do you understand now?

      Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    February 10, 2014

    Hi Me,

    That is a wonderful point that we are here to shine a light and raise vibration.

    It can be very easy to just want to disconnect and detach from life and others in order to be able to ‘have’ a healthy vibration.

    At the beginning of recovery hibernation may be very necessary, and is often essential in order to start creating a deep inner relationship with ourselves, yet what IS vital is creating connection with the field of life and bringing our light into it.

    Because this is where we are sourcing truth, wisdom, energy and power – as a co-creation with the field of Life.

    I love what you said about ‘purring’..the more you pour your ‘purr’ into life, the more love will pour ‘purr’ back in to you…

    Just gorgeous!

    Thank you ‘Me!’…I am thrilled to be back – and I can’t WAIT to get into this travelling, doing, being and ‘showing up’ life globally!!!

    Bless and much love

    Mel xo

  • lxmorgan1@gmail.com'
    alex
    February 11, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    I am writing because I am healing from narcissitic abuse and I am currently in therapy. I am having a severe reaction to my therapist. I am very in touch energetically and it feels like my therapist went from wanting a connection and being empathetic to being emotionally unavailable and un-empathetic. I feel like I am going crazy and am not sure if I am seeing things clearly for example is she really dicking me around emotionally or am I just projecting? Any insight would be helpful and any steps to gain clarity.
    Thank you Sincerely,
    Alex

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Alex,

      I am sorry you are feeling so confused…

      The truth is, and this is what 100% responsibility is about..People are always reflecting back what we need to heal…and I hope you can understand know this is not about me ‘not being empathetic’.

      The question is “What is this incident in my Life showing me about me as a result of my painful trigger?”

      Ok, what I feel this is about is your emotional dependency…you are feeling abandoned, fearful and not validated (held)..and this is do with when we don’t feel capable of being a source to ourselves and we are trying to source safety and solidness through other human beings…

      Rather than establishing the connection to Source through ourselves…

      (This week’s blog article coming out today is TOTALLY relevant to this…)

      This is all going back to original wounding…

      This is only my opinion, but I place a lot more hope in having you worked on ‘energetically’ than cognitively so that you can address those original emotional wounds at the level they need to be addressed – which is directly at the subconscious body level.

      My choice would be ‘body work’ – seeing a kinesiologist, doing EFT or getting on the NARP Program.

      That is EXACTLY what I would be doing in order to gain healing and clarity….

      Working directly on my own inner wounds…finding them, facing them, claiming them and releasing them – and knowing WHAT is coming up (via the therapist) is POINTING you directly at them.

      That’s when you will get a powerful shift.

      Mel xo

      • lxmorgan1@gmail.com'
        alex
        February 13, 2014

        Thank you so much Melanie! I knew this was a reflection, but I wasn’t sure how to heal it. I think I will try your program. I wanted to try someone in person first. You are so right I keep looking outside and I am not giving myself what I need. I thought the therapist could teach me or guide me. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
        Blessings,
        Alex

  • CPK..SKILLFULMEANS@GMAIL.CO'
    CHARLENE
    February 11, 2014

    Mel: Thank you. I do believe my sister is still with me… It also felt great to have that first taste of really being free standing in MY TRUTH. I’m learning to trust NARP, AND YOU!!!

    Celina: I think the greatest tragedy is we really can’t heal the abused child inside the narc. As Mel says, the narc is enmeshed with false ego…set up to protect the wounded inside. I now truly believe what Mel says…the narc will defend this false ego AT ALL COSTS…EVEN YOU.

    Alex: I REALLY resonated with your comment. I feel contact with a narc over a period of time has distorted ALL my relationships. I often feel paranoid about the intentions of others, overly sensitive, etc. I have decided I need to take things SLOWLY…and be patient with myself. The more I do self-care the less reactive I am, I have observed.
    THANK YOU, ALL. THIS IS MY FIRST BLOGGING EXPERIENCE AND I’M LOVING IT…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Charlene,

      you are welcome…

      Great you are standing in your energy, and that you blogged here!

      Mel xo

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    heaven
    February 12, 2014

    Hi mel
    sometimes I feel so afraid of being around or even meeting others. When I am waiting at a bus stop I cannot even look other people in the face. I dont want to talk to them sometimes. Other times I can be very friendly and chatty. But I cannot guarantee it every time. Is this shyness or am I afraid of people? Once in a shop the male shop worker asked me why am I so afraid, to which I replied I’m not, but I was! Please help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Heaven,

      thank you for your question.

      Every fear / maladaptation is to do with inner wounding.

      Something / somewhere happened to you that has caused you to be fearful of connecting…

      The only way you will know ‘what’ this is – is to drop into the fear, find where it is in your body, ask this part of yourself ‘How old are you?’ and open up to that part of yourself, ask this part “What is this really about?” and listen to the answer…

      That part of you is a fearful, young part until you heal it…and only your Inner Being knows what it is REALLY about.

      Is that clear? It’s all about an inner healing journey.

      Anything else is guesses, strategies to try to manage the wound, or medication to try to make the wound ‘shut up’..

      The only true solution is finding it, listening to it and healing it.

      Mel xo

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    celina
    February 12, 2014

    Hi mel
    I feel like no person can be only ALL ‘bad’ like what narcissists are portrayed to be. I don’t get it, I had a malignant narcissist for a mother and a enabling(but loving) father even though he was somewhat distant(emotionally) he refused to believe that depression exists!! How do narcs live with themselves if they ARE all bad? Why would they not commit suicide,surely? I know they get their daily drug of narc supply like the ever junkies that they are but is that really worth it when they can never love and they know that they are lifes frauds! I dont get it. I was a co depandant for ten years in a loveless marriage to a narc. Now divorced. I am recovering. But I am lonely,but don’t feel the need to use people, their time, their energy or resources. I just sit by myself and think.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Celina,

      The narcs life is there ‘normal’, and the ego convinces them to stay in the game…

      How can you know what you are missing if needing narc supply and being in survival programs is your level of ‘reality’?

      There are narcs that do commit suicide, and in fact that is getting more frequent, as the energy frequencies of our planet are aligning more with ‘love and authenticity’ is IS getting harder and harder to generate life through fear and deceit – and many narcs are running into brick walls now with little relief.

      The ego is very convincing to the narc – that they are living the ‘right way’…But all illusions eventually do crack.

      Mel xo

  • marciasommers@gmail.com'
    Marcia
    February 12, 2014

    Hi, Mel-thanks for your positive, life-giving thoughts. My narcissist husband, who abandoned me and his children 2 years ago for a new job-and a girlfriend-in Asia, e-mailed my boss asking for ‘help’ getting his prescription meds sent to him overseas (it’s a controlled substance-no one will send it, and apparently his ex, who was supplying him, stopped when the child support payments stopped). I asked my boss to forward the e-mail to my lawyer; I funnel everything through my lawyer, and do No Contact. It will be two years in May since I filed for divorce, and my ‘husband’ told my boss we were on a good, friendly basis. What a joke. I don’t hear from him, and if I do, it’s some cryptic text message. I suspect he’s living in Asia, lost his job, has no money, and is close to desperate. Typical Narcissist, eh? Your thoughts?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 12, 2014

      Hi Marcia,

      you are welcome.

      My thoughts?

      Truly the first thoughts – “who knows and who cares?” Because any of it is never happy anyway…even if he was doing ‘well'(for now) his ego is never at peace, and anyone ‘with’ him will be projected on.

      Its not real life, and doesn’t even warrant thoughts other than letting go and having compassion and wishing him the best – to FREE you to heal yourself and create your True Life.

      It’s time for you to do that.

      Mel xo

  • marciasommers@gmail.com'
    Marcia
    February 13, 2014

    Thanks for calling me to do what I need to do, Mel-heal and create my true life. I’m looking forward to a great 2014!

  • shawn_montazemi@yahoo.com'
    Shawn Montazemi
    February 17, 2014

    Mel…good job. I liked this particular blog and radio show because I am currently reading David Icke’s new book “The Perception Deception”. You and David are saying exactly the same thing in terms of how 99% of the universe is just pure informational energy (conciseness). The true nature of reality is just energy (frequencies etc.) and what our 5 senses read as “real” is just illusionary (a hologram aka a holographic universe). I am sure you know who David Icke is…if you don’t, o boy…starting reading his books and watching his videos on YouTube…you will get the biggest chuckle.

  • lauralee88@gmail.com'
    lauralee
    February 24, 2014

    ; I have been in a relationship with this man the father of my girls for going on 11 years. Just yesterday I finally I guess admitted to myself that he don’t love me and want me and believe in me I have and do for him. I’m trying to figure out I lied pretty good to myself. To do this to love him and show him and give everything he has only dreamed about it. Giving and give and give. Forgiveness forgiveness. Faith. I know that there is some real;
    and I know there as been a few times he really wanted to open up and give his all. But he don’t break. I have gotten to point if u can’t b good to me or show with repect I will leave. I will b a strong enough to show u I do love myself way more than what I let u do or say to me. One day my little boy will come out cause I do love him and my self enough too. Sometimes u just have to srand back

  • lauralee88@gmail.com'
    lauralee
    February 24, 2014

    I am scared to show my toughness. I am scrared I guess I have always been the gentile and he needs it hard and I guess no I haven’t loved him enoough to wap his ass and show him. I give everything to God a d I kniw everything will be good

  • ewinsor@ymail.com'
    Elizabeth
    February 28, 2014

    Thank you so much for this article. Every time I read your writing I feel a tiny bit better in my skin.

    I am trying hard to piece myself back together after the end of my 7 year relationship with a Narcissist. I was pretty much emptied out – for want of a better description. No self-esteem, no optimism, no energy. I have been out of direct contact for nearly three months, and am feeling slightly better, but it’s a struggle. I also hear about him in the media which does not help and we are part of the same work community so it’s hard to filter this stuff out.

    What I am struggling with (besides working on my wounded child) is that I am unsure if this man is really suffering from NPD. So much of what happened in private aligns with everything I have read, but yet he has a devoted family who worship him – he is extremely devoted to his adult kids, especially the boys. He has three businesses and is a fair employer, so is surrounded by underlings who look up to him and praise him regularly. He is very rich (I am not) so he can afford to be very generous with his money which also gains him love and respect. He is so successful in his work and personal relationships that I have a hard time reckoning his position in his community – highly regarded, powerful, a sort of “big man”- with the crazy and toxic experiences I had.

    I know I need to focus on myself not him and I practice this (it feels like minding a toddler who always wanders off towards something dangerous), but I really do think he will spend the rest of his days surrounded by worshipful people and will never face himself. I am trying to get to a place where that does not matter, but right now I feel like I was chewed up and spat out by someone who was never in need of food in the first place. Is it possible that I am wrong about his narcissim? Could his need to control every aspect of our communication and his fear and avoidance of any practice of self-awareness simply be cultural? He has very old-fashioned ideas about masculinity and what makes a “man”.

    • girl_tuesday27@yahoo.com'
      PeterPan
      March 31, 2018

      How are you going with this? Frankly, I think you have core issues about needing a man to provide or, you need a knight in shining armour – which he was willing to play. Narcissists play roles and it sounds as if he enjoys this role. The narcissist I knew did.

      I think that we use the narcissist as a scapegoat to self-abandon. Whatever you think the offers you, give it to yourself.

  • loup73a@yahoo.com'
    LP
    November 1, 2014

    I think I just had an Ah-ha moment. Thank you once again.

  • vance_hussey@gmail.com'
    travailler sur internet site très sur
    January 17, 2015

    Dans ce cas le vendeur à domicile indépendant se voit également confier
    une mission de stockage

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