I hope that you find today’s article simple yet powerful and can innerstand how important today’s topic is.
It can be incredibly confusing (as you know) to try to get well from narcissistic abuse – but it really is ONLY about letting go.
Letting go of what?
The trauma inside us.
You may wonder why that is the key …
By reading on you will understand exactly why.
Before I get going, I want to let you lovely Thrivers know that very soon, on April 3rd, I am starting another 10-week Thrive Healing Bootcamp.
Here together we shift out of pain, trauma and “stuckedness” in whatever area of your life you are struggling to heal from abuse – lovingly, supportively and powerfully.
And … the best part … like any bootcamp, you don’t need to “think”; all you need to do is show up to get the work done!
Check it out and see HOW!
Okay now let me explain to you, as a deep dive, everything I can about “letting go”.
Not Being Able To “Let Go”
People in our lives have said things like, “Just leave him / her if it’s that bad!”, “Stop thinking about what happened! Just let it go!” and “If you hate your job so much, then just leave!”
But why do we struggle to do it?
We know we should, and even that we have to if we want any chance of having a loving, sane, healthy and fulfilling life. On the surface, we may think that we don’t leave because of the fear of the unknown, or that we will fail if we do leave.
Yet … and this is important … even when there are other opportunities offered (a life raft if you will) to grant people a passage out of the traumatic experience – such as loving support, a new place to live, another way to make money, assistance with a business idea etc. it can be refused, or sabotaged and that person will return to hanging on to the people, situations, events, habits, feelings and thoughts that are destroying them.
This happens all the time! It shocks other people watching helplessly on from the sidelines and it also stuns the people stuck in NOT being able to let go.
Are the reasons why you can’t let go logical? Clearly not!
Right here, right now I want you to say this mantra to yourself, “I am sending love and forgiveness to myself for not being able to let go of who and what is not serving me yet. It’s not because I am defective, incapable or unable to do so. It is because I haven’t as yet gone within to unhook the parts of myself that I can’t let go of. When I do this, I will go free.”
Say this to yourself a few times. Maybe write it down and repeat it.
How does this feel?
It is powerful when you speak the truth to the cellular intelligence within you – because you feel space and Life Force open up. It resonates. This is you, your Inner Being recognising and re-membering the truth.
Re-membering means coming home to Who You Really Are.
What Do You Need To Let Go Of?
Straight off I’m going to give you the total answer – then unpack this for you.
The trapped trauma in your body.
What is this trapped trauma? It’s the emotional experiences which have impacted your life. It is also the genetic beliefs that you have acquired from your ancestors – ironically (not), the people who inflicted their own traumatic programming onto you from a very young age.
The bottom line is that the human experience has been extremely traumatic (research history and current events to see the proof of this). It’s filled with all sorts of unsafety, atrocities, anxiety, loss and pain. We may think it’s normal – but I can assure you as a person who used to be steeped in that “normal” and then making it my life mission to go free from my inner trauma, it is absolutely not “natural”.
Living with internal trauma is a choice – we do NOT have to live like this!
You may ask, “But Melanie how does having internal trauma and hanging on to ‘bad memories’ stop me from leaving people and situations which hurt me? Shouldn’t it be the exact opposite?”
And here it is, one of the greatest lies that has been perpetuated on the human population.
Hanging on to trauma helps you avoid more of it in the future.
Wrong Town!
Here is another of the greatest lies …
You can just “get over” or “stop thinking about something bad” to get out of the patterns of repeat traumatic experiences.
Double Wrong Town!
We all had layers of programming to peel back, and it can be very confronting to do so, yet the Truth will absolutely set you free.
So WHY doesn’t “hanging on” and “remembering” keep you safe or enable you to choose and be in healthier, happier experiences?
Because your Inner Being is not being healthier, happier experiences.
Because no amount of doingness or thinkingness can overcome your state of Beingness.
Let’s simplify WHAT your state of Beingness is. It’s your emotional inner cellular Being. It’s the feelings inside you of peace, calm, confidence, empowerment and resolution … or anxiety, depression, fear, non-closure and remorse.
This next bit may shock you – and I want you to know that this is 100% truth. These day and night states have nothing to do with what you are “doing” or “thinking” or even “having”, they have everything to do with the composition of your Inner Being.
Namely, have you let go of the trauma from within yourself, and filled that space with Light (True Source) or are you trying to live your life whilst trying to battle your internal trauma?
Are you filled with peace, power, creativity, purpose, expansion, confidence and unlimited potential (which is your True Self / Source connection without trauma and filled with the Light of Source), or are you all clogged up with toxic trauma that is sucking your Life Force to survive, allowing very limited energy left for creativity, positivity, love and missions to be unleashed from within you?
I’ve been talking a lot lately about two metaphors that I hope can help you understand how true this is. Imagine a filthy fish tank and a sick fish in it. Also imagine a vegetable garden with toxic barren soil and filled with thistles.
How are the fish and the vegetables faring? Will giving the fish a pill or some swimming instructions or reams of information about how and why the fish tank is dirty and what terrible sicknesses this has inflicted on the fish, make it well?
Would the vegetables, no matter how much sunlight or fertilizer they received, be able to grow healthily?
No!
The fish and the vegetables are barely hanging on, because their terrain is toxic. All of their energy is sucked dry trying to just survive their “environment”.
You may think that your “environment” is narcissistic people, and getting away from them helps you get well. But in fact, this would be like picking the fish tank up and taking it away to another house. The fish tank is still filthy.
If the fish tank is not cleaned out and replaced with fresh water and nutrients, the fish still has no hope of getting well.
Your “fish tank” (your terrain) is your Inner Being. If it’s not clean you are stuck in survival (toxicity). This means your feelings are polluted, your thoughts are “stinking thinking”, your behaviours are going to match your inner toxicity (like when we are distressed, we usually self-medicate with things like junk food, addictions, and unhealthy people) and you will suffer terrible self-esteem and lowered self-respect.
It’s a vicious circle. A self-perpetuating toxic loop.
People wonder why they are not getting better emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically and financially.
You can’t do better until you get better.
You can’t get better, until you Let Go!
The Internal Narcissist Likes To “Hang On”
To be a self-actualised Thriver means standing and facing the darkness (not denying it) and then being a Bright Light within it.
Having our heads buried in the sand regarding what really is going on inside of us is NOT helpful! All of us have an internal narcissist – we are a mixture of dark and light and the happiest life comes from letting go of these dark pieces within us, and filling with more and more Light.
I can already feel some of you squirming! I promise you that this is not some New Age “love and light” crap! (One of the biggest human lies all over again!)
Stay with me and let me explain, the track that your ego (Edging God / Source Out) has tried to make you believe …
“If I don’t hang onto my pain, I can’t protect myself from it in the future” and “people will walk all over me, because I won’t stand up for myself.”
Your Ego is the trickster. It’s your pain body. It feeds off your pain, just like narcissists do. It wants you to keep the pain raging inside you. It wants the cells of your body be addicted to the pain (peptide addiction) that will keep you swimming in it, returning to it and re-sabotaging yourself over and over every time you try to get out of it.
Your ego will give you every reason to NOT turn inwards and release yourself from your toxic inner trauma.
The pain body (ego) is like a cancer that sucks the Life Force out of the host and then ends up destroying itself because it destroys the host. It’s anti-life. It’s exactly the same system as a narcissist – parasitical and has no Soul / Source Life Force of its own.
Many people like to hold onto the concept of the “ego” thinking it is intelligence and something wonderful. I used to believe this but I now completely disagree. The ego is not the same as our Superconscious / Infinite Source Intelligence that arises from within organically and spontaneously when we let go of fear, pain and insecurities (the food of the ego). When the ego no longer has these toxic emotions to feed on it loses power and its hold on us and dissolves into the background.
Thank goodness!
What replaces it is far superior, grants us infinitely more intelligence, inspiration, courage, positivity, power, authenticity and freedom and also keeps us far safer.
Let me give you a few simple examples.
Fearful warriors in battle often die. Those in calm centeredness are guided intuitively and usually survive.
If your car starts sliding off the road, if you go into panic, you will steer straight into a tree. If you are in calm centredness it is like something takes over. You just “know” what to do.
In states of anxiety, stress, pain and fear many things in your life go wrong and add more to these negative emotional states. When you reach peaceful resolution and “wholeness” within (regardless of what is going on out there) then wonderful things start rolling in. “Ships come to shore over smooth waters.”
If you are in an argument with a narcissist and they trigger your unhealed traumas within, you go into powerlessness, helplessness and cannot stop yourself going back to this abusive person over and over again. Whereas, if this trauma no longer exists within you and the narcissist can no longer emotionally derail you, you realise that this person doesn’t have the capacity or resources to be healthy and you CAN powerfully move on.
Okay, so how HONEST is your ego when telling you, “Don’t let that fear go or you will not be able to be safe!”?
Not at ALL!
It’s a lie.
A big lie. It’s NOT letting you let go.
Your real life can begin when you stop accepting it and do something about it.
Fast And Powerful Letting Go
I hope by now you deeply understand the truth. The inner trauma needs to go.
You can’t put ice-cream in a cone on top of poop.
You can’t drive a shiny Ferrari into a garage with a rusty old wreck in its path.
And you can’t recover when you are clogged up with internal trauma.
So HOW do you let it go?
With Quanta Freedom Healing. That’s how I did it and thousands of people in this community have too.
My Thrive 10-week Healing Bootcamp is this process. And, my promise to you, (completely money-back guaranteed) is you will come through the Thrive processes as a completely different New Self! Quickly and powerfully.
(Think how FAST a fish or a plant will recover, when in a clean terrain with the right water and nutrients. I promise you that your Inner Being is the same!)
Seats are limited and filling fast (as each Thrive Program does). If you have had enough of the pain and the struggle of trying to survive your internal trauma, this will change your ability to heal beyond description.
Did today’s article make sense? Do you know you need to let go? Are you struggling to let go, or feeling incredible relief and healing as a result of doing so?
Let me know in your comments and questions!
I blocked my narc 2 months ago but fled the country we were living in 4 months ago to return to my parents to recover. Im feeling better physically but emotionally now and then I get a nauseous feeling when im missing their communication and no im not about to repeat the process, I made a vow to myself! But im home with my mother and I know this is where I get my trauma from as she’s still triggering me but im stuck here for now. I try to have limited exposure to her but its difficult when you live in the same house. I’ve tried to talk to her about stuff from the past but she’s a bit self centered but has taken accountability on the odd occasion.. she’s sending her husband a bit crazy too, I’ve asked her to stop this also as his nerves and anxiety are high!
So you’re sitting on a stove with the fire on and complaining about your skin burning? Perhaps moving to your own place, no matter what it looks like, could be better than being there.
Hi I think same in my life it was the same…I came closer to my original family with my kids! to get away from narc partner and still had to find my own way… away from both. Was very hard but gave me huge freedom. Healing even if in solidity is the best ‘partner’ in this stage of life x
Lisa, it seems like you have gone from 1 abuser to another. Please don’t beat yourself up about this. I left my narc husband of 28 years last year, it was then I realised that I had toxic friends too, who I also had to ditch. Since then some wonderful people have come into my life, all nurturing and supportive and all narc survivors. I hope you are able to get your own space soon.
Dear Melanie,
After listening to you this afternoon and reading this article my heart has regained some hope…something that’s been so often missing! 😔 This article and the discussion that we had this afternoon were so powerful! 🙏 I was deeply moved by your words….
I thought I would share something with you that I feel is very important! i’ve been going through another “episode” with the narcissist! I found out today that she was once again manipulating my bank account and when I went to pay bills I didn’t have enough money to pay my bills! At first I was upset, stunned again that she was still doing these kinds of things….😈
Then, I settled down and remembered some of the things that you have taught me and others and tried some of the NARP techniques…. M8 in particular…they worked! I was able to settle down and shift out my anger towards the narcissist…when I was calmed down I took care of the problem…. it would’ve been so easy to “stew”…. I found a place inside of me that was logical, unencumbered by fear, and this place inside of me knew exactly what to do! So, I did it! 😌
I know for certain that if it wasn’t for NARP this wouldn’t have happened! This, for me, was an example of how I can let go of the fear that I’ve had so often of what this narcissist may or may not do, even knowing that she’s going to continue to do these kinds of things! Today was a step forward and a good one! Thank you so much for helping me with this today, Melanie! Thank you for everything else that you do for everyone else as well! Much love! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
I love that you shifted the feeling and then wisdom entered!
Thriving in true action Dear Man!
Well done …
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dearest Melanie
This article is so timely, you have really saved me. I have been following you for some time, I really understand the depth and the significance of your words. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.
I prayed to Higher Source, why is this so difficult to let go, when I thought I knew so much about narcissistic abuse. I didn’t even think that this situation was related, leaving a job I’ve been doing since I was 17 to a wonderful career where everyone is batting for me including the people taking me on. I so get it now. I love you from the bottom of my heart and with deep gratitude.
Hi Leonie,
please know how welcome you are!
How gorgeous that you let go!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie, what a great article! Where you so clearly explain how letting go really works. I love the metafors of the fish and the garden. Clear out the toxic Waters to let the Light shine and grow!! Amazing! You have helpen me so much throughout the past few years. Thank you so much! Lots of love!
Hi Mom of 2,
that’s great that you love this!
I appreciate your lovely support.
Much love to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I’ve been using your healing, and seeing amazing shifts for some time. I attended Thrive bootcamp last year and with it, changed my health and mindset.
Lately I’ve been overwhelmed by a new layer of old unresolved traumas, so big I headed back to avoidance and sabotage.
This article and affirmation have really helped me remember that I can get out of the dark pit, and the tools from Thrive and Superthrive will get me out quickly if I use them.
Thank you
Hi Superthriver,
it is true that the issues only continue when we forget to use these super tools.
Glad you are into it again!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie!!! You’d be so proud of me as I am as well myself. Because of all of the letting go internally with QFH I have continued to continuously let go externally. This past week I have been wanting to let go of so many material possessions from my past that remind me of emotionally painful times, people that I am no longer a match with and things that simply add zero value to my life. As I have been donating bags upon bags of material possessions that for years I had found a million reasons why I “needed” to hold onto these things, something has become very clear. I have been using things as a way to try to feel secure and stable emotionally in my life since I have never felt a deep sense of security and stability in life. This has been uncomfortable for me as it’s a new way of living, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Thank you Melanie for sharing your wisdom, compassion and healing with us all! Sending you and your loved ones love and blessings 💗✨ Madeline
Hi Madeline,
that is wonderful that you are letting go and creating beautiful space and renewal for the good stuff!
So much love to you Madeline and thank you for your share!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie:
I have being doing NARP and Empowered course for 2 years. Unfortunately last week I felt like I crash again, down spiral. With a new job, I dreamt to have now a bit of a direction in my life after a knee accident a year ago and living in a new country. But again an unhealthy environment and me not being able to deal with it without getting hooked and down. Last time was in a musical intensive year course (so I doubted my desires and acting carrier) I finished it with a huge cost to my soul and without results as you said correctly not amount of doingness, ‚being ‚good‘… every day there, etc gave me posite results. Now I am doubting about teaching drama in my new job and started selfsabotaging again (something that feels well … known) and feeling with no direction. Feeling safe in my bed and not wanting to go out much. Is it possible to find healthy environments, if I keep dong quanta fh? Every time this happens again it feels like all the efforts did not work! That I am in square one and the years keep passing by. I also know that now I have these tools and that I can always come home to love myself. I just would love to feel my life force again and finally know my direction.
Thank you Mel,
Hi Erica,
please know Dear Lady this is a “glass ceiling” that is simply painful limiting beliefs that you just haven’t quite broken through from yet.
When they are “up and painful” is exactly when you can break free! (when you know how to).
This is my highest suggestion – going into the NARP member’s Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to reach out for coaching and direction with how to get through this … or come into Thrive http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thrive so that I and the team can work with you to breakthrough.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you so much, Mel!
Yes, I will try to start with the forum and hope to do thrive soon. 💜
Mario
Good comment! Reminds me of thr frog sitting in water,it slowly boils,but doesnt realise it about to die..when the water boils ,its too late , the frog is cooked
Thats how narcs work,slowly but surely do a number on you tuntil you think ,im about to die, whats wrong with me???
Being aware !! Is so important,one keeps learning all the time,especially when they have nearly be cooked!!!
Keep looking up Lisa you will get there,
Dont stay in that inviroment ,you get cooked again…We all keep learning as we go,
It can take a long time to unravel the parts of us that have been damaged
It is just like peeling back the onion,…..
Love you and God bless you Melanie ❤️
So much love to you too Priya!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Got rid of f#@$BOOK.!! no block where there’s no “STOCK” ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️
We are all in the same boat,I believe. Tis natural to look to our significant others( parents ,grandparents etc) . Such a generational thing.
Even so, tis up to us to grow within,.We developed out OWN style as we grow…from the nest to the REST…..
Sometimes others have more difficulty than others ,due to clinging grown ups ,who MAY not have dealt with their own growth. Enmeshment is difficult,but not impossible to get out of ,……such as deveoping your OWN style.. Thats our purpose.
To be Yourself,as WE are created to do so..
TO BE YOURSELF,…..NOBODY ELSE ,BUT YOURSELF ❤️,
As always Melanie ,thank you for sharing your life story,encouraging others to GROW to be themselves xx p.s never minimising other THRIVERS ,who struggle along the way.🙋
Hi, Melanie! I have been following you off and on for a couple of years. All of your stuff makes sense but I find myself too weak the follow through. I KNOW I need to stay away from my NARC but he has a way of worming his way back in. Every time I tell myself and everyone else it’s over and I mean it but over time I start missing the intmacy and I honestly don’t think I want to get back out there…to play the dating game but I don’t want to be alone either. No one has ever seemed to accept me just as I am so completely except him and I am afraid I won’t find that again. I am 65 and spent the last three years with him and in my head I know what I have to do. I just can’t seem to do it. I have never had trouble staying away from anyone before…even people that were good to me. Why can I not stay away from him??? How can I get the strength to let go?? Please help me!
Hi Janie,
please know Dear Lady the battle will continue until you heal on the inside what you need to!
I promise you that you dont need to work out HOW to do that or WHAT that even is … I can show you and help you with that, as I have so many people that went through exactly what you are (I promise you that you are not alone!)
I can’t recommend Thrive for you (or NARP) enough. Thrive will probably be best to really help hold your hand and heart to get through this inner shift work and out to the other side.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thrive – this is HOW I help you Janie, but you have to commit to help yourself.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hello Melanie. To participate live in you 10 week boot camp, what are the hours eastern standard time? Thank you!
In addition to my previous question…I should have included, USA eastern standard time.
Thank you.
Hi Kara,
it is 5th of April 3pm EST for USA, then same time each week!
If you miss a session, there is no problem because you get the fully interactive recording.
I hope that this helps!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This article is so very relevant. I am in the process of letting go of my trauma. Each time I do the inner work, I feel so much better. I truly feel like I have faced my “demons” and released traumatic energy. I then go about my life and every now and again a narcissist will trigger me. So I realize that I have more healing to do. I agree 100% with the article, that the inner healing is not really logical. When I go within to first acknowledge my feelings and then release, I actually feel powerful emotions. I think that so many of us have learned from society and our parents that certain emotions are taboo or that we need to just toughen up and “move on”.
It is these very programs to “just get over it”, that have kept me stuck. This healing journey is truly beautiful and I am becoming more and more grateful for it every day. Some parts of my outer life have become better, but I am not free of narcissists yet. I take this simply to mean that I have more healing to do. I am starting to see the healing as a blessing, something positive that I get to engage in, instead of a chore I must complete.
Thank you Melanie for creating a community to address narcissistic abuse and the road to recovery. I hope this community is doing well on their healing journeys. It is so encouraging to see other people growing and I hope that the consciousness as a collective WILL get better.
Hi Molly,
That’s wonderful that you are letting go of your trauma!
You are absolutely correct that we have been trained out of even facing our emotions, let alone doing the inner work, which has made us powerless to “come home” to true healing.
I love that you are a part of our beautiful tribe and helping to make our world and each other well with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie,
I paid for your class a couple of years ago and did not know how to access the material. I sent several messages about this and never received a reply.
I am still interested in doing your class. If that is not possible can you please send me a refund.
Thank you
Hi Susan,
did you email [email protected] ?
Please know the support team are beyond diligent.
Please email again and also check your spam folders just in case that is where the return email went to.
Im sure one of our lovely team will help you soon.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hello Melanie Thank you for this its exactly how I am feeling I have been in this for 4 years and wanting to let him go for good now but of course am struggling. I do get your emails regularly but have been unsuccessful in signing up for this free class . it just tells me I am already a subscriber ?
Hi Michele,
I am sorry that you are having this frustration!
Please email [email protected] and one of my lovely team will be able to help you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
WoW!!! It IS ALL about Letting Go Right Now!!
Thank You for this Article Mel.
Sending All Love and Light in these times 🙂
Kondwani