Melanie Tonia Evans

7 Steps To Getting Healthy After Narcissistic Abuse

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 14
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


Narcissistic abuse is one of the most devastating things you could ever go through.

However, this does not have to be a life sentence.

There are steps that you can take to rise up and out of abuse symptoms, and into your true and new healthy relationship with self, others and all of life.

Today, in this a very special Thriver TV episode, I have the absolute joy of sharing with you the seven steps that myself, and many other Thrivers in the community, have used to not just merely survive abuse, but to truly enter the life of our dreams.



Video Transcript

After being narcissistically abused there is a necessity to get healthy .…

Because you are probably going through the worst time in your life, you may feel like you’ve lost your life force, your well-being, your hope for the future, and possibly even your will to try to move forward and rebuild your life.

I know, 100% you may feel like your life is over, and you can’t even imagine what it would feel like to be healthy again.

I promise you that how you feel, and what your life looks like, isn’t going to be your reality for the rest of your life, if you work on these seven points that I’m going to be sharing with you today.

But, before I do, I’d just like to take a moment to thank all of you who have subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver mission, and if you haven’t yet done so please do, and also if you like this video please make sure to give it a thumbs up.

Okay so let’s start off by having a look at the first step to reclaiming your health after narcissistic abuse.


Step Number One – Start Self-Partnering

Self-partnering is vital. In fact, it’s crucial. And the reason that it is so foundational for Thriver recovery after narcissistic abuse is because it puts us back inside our body. Here we find and reverse all the unconscious reasons that led us to be narcissistically abused in the first place.

Initially, it is a very hard pill to swallow – understanding that we can be very susceptible to narcissistic abuse as a result of suffering a disconnection from ourselves. One that is extreme enough that unknowingly we are trying to seek the missing parts of ourselves, from outside of ourselves.

However, the truth does set us free. Because when we understand that there was a fracture within us, we can take our power back and heal it.

If we are not fully anchored in our body, being an inner emotional experience of knowing that we are lovable and worthy and as an adult capable of generating our own security and survival, then we are seeking these essential commodities from other people to try to feel whole on the inside.

Ironically, this lack of inner wholeness has nothing to do with how intelligent, capable or accomplished we are. These are emotional gaps within us, that often cause us to overcompensate and be even more practically high functioning than most people.

Narcissists know and sense these gaps within us. They know how to appear as the saviour of these parts of ourselves that we seek from the outside, whilst mining and sucking dry our capabilities and resources.

When we are not in our body, self-partnered, and integrated as a whole emotional source to ourselves, we dismiss our inner warning signs and we may even rationalise away the traumatic feelings of being abused. We are also likely to cling to the person who is the source of the abuse, trying to get them to change what they are doing so that we can feel safe and whole.

To rectify all of these patterns of being codependently abused by others requires self-partnering. It means rather than look to the outside to solve our problems, heal our wounds, and take away the pain, we realised that the work has to be done between us and ourselves, within ourselves.

When we turn within with the right intention toward our Inner Being, we are moving out of Wrong Town, and back home to ourselves.

I want you to repeat after me, ‘I am here for you. I will love and accept you – wounds and all. I am here to help you heal with everything I have, and I am never leaving you again.’

This is when we make the switch from living life ‘from the outside in’ to living life ‘from the inside out.’

It’s the only way to heal and Thrive.


Step Number Two – Engage Self-Devotion

It’s one thing to know that we have to turn inward and start becoming a source of self instead of trying to get others to give us ourselves … but it’s another to know how to start treating ourselves nicely.

I really want you to understand that you need to let go of trying to blame and shame and punish and criticise yourself into shape.

Can you see how, if you have been doing this – treating yourself with conditional love, and harsh expectations, why you have drawn into your life and tolerated someone who has been reflecting back how you have been treating and talking to yourself?

Self-devotion means this: ‘I am going to talk to myself lovingly the way that I would talk to a small child I adore.’

After narcissistic abuse you are healing, and you require your own tenderness and kindness. You need to be able to say to yourself every day, ‘I am proud of you, I love you and I’m here to support you all the way. You will get through this.’

And in times of triggers and fears, this is about learning how to be kind, supportive and present with yourself, and teach yourself how to breathe, while remaining in your body. The times when we make our most self-annihilating decisions are when we self-abandon.

Thriver self-devotion means not running away from these feelings anymore and making choices that only hurt you more – such as attempting to self-medicate with abusive people, terrible food choices, active addictions, mind-numbing distractions and all sorts of things that take you away from becoming your best lover, supporter and healer.

When we are doing these things to ourselves, we are not in control of our own lives, and we are highly susceptible to being controlled by people who hurt us.

Thriver self-devotion can also mean becoming extremely healthy with self-care, good nutrition, healthy exercise, regular sleep and maybe seeing a holistic practitioner who can help get your mineral and vitamin levels balanced and healthy again.

I want to share with you this vital fact – we will never tolerate a level of abuse that is beyond what we are capable of doing to ourselves. If we ignore the calls for help from our Inner Being, self-abuse ourselves with terrible choices, and continue to criticise and blame and shame ourselves, as well as feed ourselves with toxic food, then the identical treatment from the outside is what is familiar and what we will tolerate.

Treating ourselves with love, respect, devotion, and tenderness reverses all of that.


Step Number Three – Taking The Healing Time

A big mistake that many people make is trying to just get on with life.

I know that as a result of narcissistic abuse, you may have lost a great deal of ground, years, resources and the like. It’s very usual to try to just get up and get on with it again, and many people are shocked to find out that they just don’t have the capacity within themselves to achieve that.

This happened to me too. I had always been a doer, a high achiever who believed that my value and ability to be accepted depended on my accomplishments. After narcissistic abuse, I was forced for the first time ever in my life to place my soul and Inner Being as the number one priority. And I wasn’t going to survive until I did.

What I discovered, as a result of fully dedicating myself to healing and knowing that that was my greatest mission in life, was to repair my relationship with my Inner Being, in order to create true relationships with life and others.

This was the first time in my life that I understood how to get life right at the core base level where I needed to.

You will too, when you accept what I did – that it’s time to put your outer life on hold. It’s time to say ‘no’ to things and people outside of yourself and say ‘yes’ to you and your Inner Being. By doing so you will discover that you can self-partner and self-devote and start truly healing within your own being in order to change yourself.

Then the changes in your life will follow automatically.

I liken this to being a bird with broken wings, going into the bird hospital to spend the appropriate amount of time there, who then comes out and soars high in the breeze with the world literally at its feet.

This is exactly what you have to look forward to if you take this necessary hiatus and treasure your healing time. All of your real life does depend on it.


Step Number Four – Meet The Trauma In Your Body

We are so blessed in this space-time reality, right here right now, to be able to have the Quantum tools to bypass our logical brain, meet the trauma in our body, load it up, release it and replace it, so that we can literally shift out of who we were being, into the Being who can actualise the life, love and interpersonal relationships that work.

The old paradigm was about trying to manage the trauma in our body without ever living free of its effects, whilst trying to survive having the thoughts, feelings, people and situations that simply matched our already existing trauma.

Clearly, living trauma free is so much easier, cleaner and more powerful and so much more fulfilling.

This is where my NARP program comes in. You may have seen the incredible results that NARP regularly produces for the members of this community. The reason for these results is that these people, by releasing the trauma from their Inner Beings, opened up space to allow organic well-being that is naturally coded into all of us, namely life force itself, to enter.

Meaning that the old battle with trauma and its symptoms such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, fibromyalgia, agoraphobia, adrenal malfunction all simply melt away. Which means our natural life force fills the space where the trauma once was – joy, creativity, inspiration, and excitement for the future and complete closure from the past, regardless of the age of the person, how much they have suffered or what they have lost.

This is what you can look forward to if you are willing to meet, and do the work, on the trauma in your body.


Bonus Step Number Four – Say ‘No’ To Your Old Patterns

This is where you need to get very clear with yourself. You may have released the trauma, but now you need to have boundaries and clear definitions regarding what it means to start experiencing your new life, which may be a life that you have never been able to access before.

So, for example, if your patterns used to be having unavailable people in your life who treated you like you were invisible, then it’s vital that you start showing up with the key people in your life asking for what you need.

It is also going to be vital to do the work on releasing the fears and traumas of being invisible, and knowing that you deserve to have healthy, connected, more committed relationships in your life.

Then you will see who will meet you at the more evolved level of relationship that you are now taking a stand for directly, honestly and lovingly. And in many cases, those who do have the resources will step up and meet you at this higher level of relationship as a reflection of the higher relationship that you are now living between you and yourself.

And, if there are people in your present life who don’t have the resources for communion and connection and intimacy or existing people who refuse or don’t have the resources to meet you there, then you will let go and move on as a fully integrated individual with yourself to be the generative force of taking a stand for what your reality is now.

We can’t continue to participate in our old programs and patterns and believe that the universe will deliver us a different reality. It just doesn’t work like that. What you accept is what you will get, point-blank.


Step Number Five – Expand Yourself

Comfort zones are never comfortable. If we stay stuck in comfort zones, then we are not growing. Of course, we stay in a comfort zone because we have a fear of expansion. And there may be many traumas deep in your DNA, which are even survival programs, such as ‘if I try to expand to be fully myself, I may fail or I may be targeted, or even annihilated.’

You may think I am kidding, but I’m not. I can’t tell you the amount of people I have worked on with Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) who have come up with these deep powerful programs which are stopping them from moving forward into the life that they really want to live.

The easy and powerful way to defeat these is to use Quantum tools to go inside and find these opposing limiting beliefs, load them up and release them and replace them. Then you will easily flow into your desires with confidence and without the powerful emotional resistance that has been holding you back.

As a Thriver, I love to expand. This is one of the most powerful ways I’ve challenged and grown myself by stretching into areas, trajectories, and experiences that I could never access in my previous reality because it was riddled with trauma.

I can’t tell you the joy it is to get free on an inner level so that you can fully shine, glow and expand on any level. Because this is where the juicy, incredible stuff in life really is.


Step Number Six – Connect To Your Purpose

One of the most beautiful things that we can ever do to live a healthy life is to connect to our true mission and purpose.

All of us are here for some divine purpose. I totally believe those of us who have gone through narcissistic abuse are here for an incredible purpose. We are all angels, spirits who have been submerged into an experience of extreme darkness and trauma, in order to release the trauma out of our Inner Beings, not just for ourselves but for all of humanity.

When we actualise our true mission of meeting and releasing the trauma, we clear the space for who we really are to start flowing through us, as us. It is then that the connection to our mission comes. It is seeking us as much as we are seeking it. When we get ourselves, our old traumas and limitations, out of the way, that is when we connect.

It is incredibly usual for Thrivers who do the work with NARP, to start getting the inspiration within them about what it is that they truly feel passionate about doing. Many Thrivers within this community, just like myself, have found that calling. It may be similar to what I do, helping others to awaken and recover from abuse for real, and for others, it’s a completely different track.

What is vital to understand is that connecting to that truth is not possible when we’re stuck in surviving the trauma inside of us. We may think that the mission will take away the trauma, but it’s the other way round. When we take full responsibility and address the trauma ourselves, then the mission comes.

Because when that trauma is released, all of the energy that was trapped trying to survive the trauma is freed up to become pure creativity, mission and service.

This is the exhilaration and pure miracle of yourself that you will start experiencing as a result of this step.


Step Number Seven – Become Love

I believe that one of the greatest joys of Thriver recovery from narcissistic abuse is to reach the becoming of love. What I mean by this is the return to the truth.

We come home, we understand the truth about the illusions we have been fed, and the need to wake up from them. The knowing that we are all souls on journeys to release ourselves from the darkness and the trauma, to move into the truth and the light of Who We Really Are.

It is from this place of living without trauma that we see the truth that all of this, no matter how it looks, was all meant to be. To have the experiences required to lose those false aspects of ourselves, the lies, the false beliefs, the taking on thinking that we were unlovable, defective or unacceptable, and knowing that everyone who is hurt or hurting others, is still stuck in that lie.

From this place, we have acceptance, gratitude, and compassion for those still stuck in the trance. And we know that our greatest purpose, regardless of what our individual specific missions are, is to be love and to see the truth. It’s then that we let go of our righteousness, demonising and judging which only helps to cement our victimisation and powerless states.

To become love, without fear, is the coming home to the truth. This is where we are set free and we get to experience heaven on earth as we are, right here, right now.

It’s only then that the pain ends and the beauty of our life starts to unfold as the new and true belief systems that we’ve worked hard to heal ourselves back to.

If it wasn’t for the narcissistic abuse happening for us, we would never have had to effort so courageously and consistently to bring ourselves home to the truth.

I hope that these seven steps have helped inspire you to know where you are heading, and the incredible evolutionary gifts that you can claim, with Thriver recovery, after narcissistic abuse.

So, if this is where you want to go, you can get started by working with my NARP program. Join me on this incredible and spectacular journey of self and life, by clicking the link at the top right of this video.

And, if you are already a NARP member, and you are looking for the next steps after abuse to claim your highest and best life, then I’d love to introduce you to my Empowered Self course, which is going through a very powerful upgrade very shortly, which you will receive free of charge as a result of being a member.

You can check out the details of this course also by clicking this link.

Okay so I hope that this video has inspired you, and if you like my videos and you would like to be notified each time a new one is released then please subscribe to my channel. Also remember to give this a thumbs up if you liked it.

Please also share with the people you love so that you can help them wake up out of the human trance as well.

And as always, I am totally looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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31 Thoughts on 7 Steps To Getting Healthy After Narcissistic Abuse
    December 5, 2019

    This was a wonderful episode 😊 thank you so much for laying all out there so simply.
    I had a full belly laugh about Tiggie – please thank him for me.

    I want to thank you for your generosity and commitment to helping us to heal. I’m so excited about the Empowered Self Course!

    Love and Blessings Sweet Lady
    Flame 💗

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2019

      Hi Flame,

      he is so naughty! I will do so!

      You are very welcome Flame, and I’m thrilled for you that you’re excited.

      Big love and blessings to you too sweetheart.

      Mel 🙏💛💕

    December 5, 2019


    This was a beautiful description of the path to true health. Getting to know ourselves as we really are then loving that person is such a good reason to have had to endure a Narc episode. 🙂

    Since developing the skill of recognizing and honoring my boundaries, I am having more fun. With every interaction that used to make me apprehensive because I was not sure if I would stick up for myself and speak my truth or not, I now easily ‘just say “No”‘.

    Recent example: when the estimate for replacing my windows was waaaaay too high, I didn’t hesitate one minute to say “No. I’m not feeling that” to the suggestion of negotiating financing. I dismissed the price, therefore, I dismissed the rest of the conversation and saved a lot of time. Before, I would have wasted a lot of time trying to make the other person feel better, or trying to apologize for not wanting what was offered. Now, I just said, “Not feeling it”

    So liberating to be tuned into my heart and know myself before trying to please anyone else. 🙂

    I AM ME and I love ME. This boundary recognition was worth everything.

    Happily, and merrily…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2019

      Hi Iris,

      I love that, “not feeling it!”


      It’s so beautiful seeing and sharing in your love and joy

      So much love to you

      Mel 🙏💛💕

    December 5, 2019

    This episode is so packed full of insight and guidance showing and reminding me how to move forward on my healing journey. I’m a fairly new NARP member and am experiencing some of the benefits you speak of such as increased energy, self-love and feeling like I’m beginning to wake up to my true purpose. Just reading the headings of your course modules helps me know where I need to do the work! I feel you are very generous with what you have learned and now know to be true, and that you don’t hold any of your wisdom back. We are all the better for your generosity and love! Thank you Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2019

      Hi MP,

      I’m so pleased that this resonated with you.

      This is wonderful that NARP is helping you breakthrough so quickly.

      I completely and utterly believe in sharing everything that I feel and know, and thank you for your lovely words.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💛💕

    Connie Ross
    December 5, 2019

    You say what I have felt and lived for so long You put your words in such sensible and meaningful way I love that you have your words written but right now appreciate your videos more as so often I have been instructed by counselling to read a book etc .I can return to those books when I am in a settled state but when your head is in the middle of an emotional battle with the self , I for one cannot focus enough to read This inability to focus after all goes with depression and anexity . Faithfully watching your videos and wish I could attend your work shop in Scotland or sign up for your thrive course. Unfortunately at this time the narcissitic abuse has left me emotionally il, fatigued and yes in a financial quandary . I hope I will soon recover and be able to join but for now lots of love. Thank You Connie

      Connie Ross
      December 5, 2019

      Sorry I said Scotland instead of Australia, it must have been a Freudian slip as my Narcissist was Scottish Sorry for the error

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2019

      Hi Connie,

      I’m so glad that my material can help you and please know I’m sending you love and healing.

      Holding the space for your full, incredible thriver recovery.

      Mel 🙏💛💕

    December 5, 2019

    After 3 years I am finally at step 7. I actually have compassion for the x narc and his journey. I am so thankful for Mel opening my life to quantum as I am learning to be my own source of energy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2019

      Hi Mn,

      This is so wonderful. I love that you’ve come this far.

      Many continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💛💕

    December 5, 2019

    Beautiful , wise guidance, thank you so much dear Melanie. As MP said above…we are all the better for your generosity and love 💕 🌺😇🙏 May every joy and blessing be with you xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2019

      Hi Val,

      thank you dear lady and please know how welcome you always are.

      So much love and blessings to you always.

      Mel 🙏💛💕

    December 5, 2019

    I love this episode, and I love Tiggy… he makes me laugh!
    This is such a great reminder that the power is within us and we don’t need anyone elses cooperation to have that power, and that is a comforting feeling. 🙂
    OK, here is my vanity question…. Were there any supplements or vitamins that you found help to grow your hair back?
    Yours is looking beautiful… I want my locks back!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2019

      Hi DMJ,

      Tiggy is such a character!

      Hun, I have worn hair extensions for years. it is one of the ways that I’ve spoiled myself after narcissistic abuse!

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💛💕

        December 6, 2019

        They look real! 🙂 I’m just hoping the hair on the top of my head thickens up again, or I can cut the bottom off and make a toupee… LOL.
        Maybe I’ll try B vitamins, or zinc, or collagen powder.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 6, 2019

          Thank you dear DMJ,

          Maybe ask at your local health store what is great for hair rejuvenation.

          Many blessings to you

          Mel 🙏💛💕

    Alexis Skriloff James
    December 6, 2019


    Each and every one of these episodes is life healing for me and I am sure for others, as well. This episode is by far the most incredible one- the lessons and the thoughts were spot on. I could identify with each and everything that you mentioned. I played certain places within this video over more than twice. I am amazed at your insights. Brilliant.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 6, 2019

      Hi Alexis,

      I’m so pleased that these episodes are resonating with you and helping under this one especially hit the spot!

      Thank you for your lovely comment.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💛💕

    December 6, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    this episode is wonderful. I have been narping for 4 months now and I truly being to waken up. I do shifting (narp) in the morning before work and in every evening (thats my minimum). Sometimes I can shift during the day (sometimes I can not, I have two children, working part-time). Shifting and learning QFH and listening to your episodes is bringing so much relief and clarity I can not express it in words!!
    As you highly recomend “healing time” in step 3 and I really want to do this: how much is needed? I feel it should be a full month! As family life is hard to put on “hold” I wish I had some inspiration how to sneak out. How do I know how much healing time is needed? Can 1 – 2 weeks off from work be sufficient?
    Blessings to you for your wonderful work!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 6, 2019

      Hi Anne,

      I’m so pleased resonated with you.

      You are applying fantastic dedication to your inner being, and I love that you are breaking through!

      I really want you to know Ann, that healing is not a timeline, and in reality we will be shifting for the rest of our lives! I promise you that I still do shifts on my inner being, albeit it is nowhere near as necessary as it once was. At the start of your journey, absolutely it is a great practice to dedicate time to healing as often as possible, but I really want you to understand that the most important thing is that you learn to love and accept yourself wounds and all, and come home to that level of unconditional love where you know that you don’t have to be perfectly healed to have a great life.

      You may want to consider doing shifts on yourself such as releasing the beliefs “I have to be perfectly healed in order to have a healthy and safe life” please know that this is in no way true!

      I hope that this has helped, and allows you to do the shift work in balance with loving and accepting yourself unconditionally.

      Much love to you, and keep up the great work

      Mel 🙏💛💕

        December 7, 2019

        Yes, this has helped me so much. Many many thanks for that guidance! I really appreciate this high quality feedback. Much love xx Ann

    Kathy L
    December 6, 2019

    Thank you, Mel.
    Your timing with these articles is always impeccable for me. I’d had some incredible shifts lately that had me spinning, lol. I’m still getting used to this new state but the article is helping to ground me too. I’m going to sign up for the self-empowerment course. I’m getting ready for it but concentrating on Narp, still finding trauma to shift out. Remnants left to sift, shift and be free from. Ego chatter has pretty much disappeared, finally! And it’s all thanks to your Narp program and the support of the Forum. Again, thank you! xo Kathy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 6, 2019

      Hi Cathy,

      I am so pleased that we are in sync!

      Please know that you can toggle the ES course and NARP simultaneously. It’s so great that you are dedicated to doing the work on your inner being, and I love that you are having such powerful breakthroughs.

      Thrive On Dear Lady!

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💛💕

    December 6, 2019

    Melanie – Well as usual you perceptively called out the main problems for me – fractured self (as an adoptee) & dismissing my intuitions that matters were all wrong withing my family for decades. I am a 60 year young woman living in NY whose narcissistic Mother died over a year ago – the end of her life was horrific for me because after a lifetime of trying harder and harder to serve her and heal what was wrong between us – which would never succeed – she outright smeared me and abandoned me and invited wrong doers into her life while I could only look on in horror and upset. . . I was not allowed to protect her since she was “in control.” At 97.

    Saying the affirmations in Self Partnering brings tears of relief. I look forward to working on these steps.

    While I am also in therapy – I marvel at how the concise language you use clarifies and states directly what takes months in therapy.

    Thank you for all you do – too bad you cannot prevail against The President of the United States – clearly a narcissist in all his smearing of partriots as he (hopefully) goes down in flames. He is a symptom of the world wode narcissistic problem and dilemma. . .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 6, 2019

      Hi Vicky,

      Dear lady I hope for and send you healing a breakthrough.

      You absolutely deserve it after everything that you’ve been through.

      So much love to you

      Mel 🙏💛💕

    December 6, 2019

    Hi Mel

    I’m coming to the end of a very stressful 3 year divorce and have been NARPing during that time.
    My marriage had many problems but one of the things near the end was when I took up art again, I began to get a bit of attention for it which as you can imagine didn’t go down well!
    Long story short, since leaving my marriage 3 years ago and living alone I have not been able to work -,my health has been very much affected by the abuse (within the marriage also) but I have been able to do a little art work when I have felt like it. Just lately I have made the decision to really immerse myself in it as it is the one thing that makes my heart sing! No more holding back so I don’t upset anyone!

    Thanks for you work Mel
    Much love
    Angie xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 6, 2019

      Hi Angie,

      you are very welcome dear lady and I hope for and send you accelerated healing and breakthrough.

      Please know that you can also come into the NARP member’s forum for further support as you heal.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💛💕

    December 6, 2019

    My sincere thanks to you Melanie. Another year of sanity, insights and healing thanks to you! I think I would not had survived the n abuse without you. When the abuse escalates and there is acute crisis…you know this very frightening feeling of “becoming crazy” is so near. But luckily I don’t need to memorize that anymore 🙂

    Happy christmas and new year to you and everyone here!! <3

    Jane Jablonski
    December 7, 2019

    🙋 Melanie,
    Have benefited from your quantum materials for years. In the last month or so, have not received video with these emails…only audio. Could you please check to see why this might be and correct the problem?
    Thanks in advance and keep helping others! 😇

    December 7, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so much for all that you do – I’ve been using the silver NARP programme for a few years now and it has truly been a life saver. It helped me through a situation with a terrible (and typical) break up from a Narcissistic ex-partner. I thought I had finally left N abuse behind but I’ve now found myself in a situation with friend and finding it really challenging to work through.

    This is a person who I bought a property with a few years ago, as a short term investment. It has been my home and I had lodgers at one point, paying her part of the mortgage. Over time I did notice that everything to do with the investment seemed to have been my responsibility – she’s had all of the benefits of it and put in virtually no effort. I now live in the property with my partner and financially it doesn’t make sense for us to continue the arrangement as it is. I had suggested a buy out with this person but she was completely unwilling to even discuss this. I just now want to move on, sell the property and buy a place with my partner.

    This ‘friend’ has always been quite self-centred but the behaviour she’s shown recently has been disturbing – gaslighting, manipulation, delay tactics, put downs and a total lack of consideration. Ever since I have tried to broach the topic of moving on from the joint investment, there has been evasion, feigned confusion, veiled threats, a total lack of co-operation and attempts at talking me into staying in the arrangement, when I’ve repeatedly said I’ve made up my mind. She’s even brought up beloved dead pets and the topic of my narc ex, seemingly to throw me off. There has been a lot of suspect stuff going on in the background and I’ve since realised that it is likely she is trying to buy my home out from under me (even though she is settled in a home of her own). It seems as though she is determined that if I want out of the investment, she will be the one who ‘wins’ and gets to take it over. The whole situation has been incredibly upsetting and unsettling.

    This is someone that I no longer want to continue a friendship with, but in order to sell the property and avoid a lot of unnecessary costs, I need to try and co-operate with them to sell the property. A tall order where a narcissist is concerned! Every time I have set boundaries or tried to progress agreement on practicalities, I get excuses, outbursts, reversals and all manner of controlling and narcissistic behaviour.

    I have been working through issues and fears around security, my home, disapproval, money and being treated as though I’m invisible or without rights. I’ve reflected a lot on my role in the situation and how I arrived here – people pleasing, not speaking up for myself, allowing boundaries to be trampled, over responsibility and not taking care of my interests in relation to not having had a better formal agreement set up in the first place.

    Long story short – I’m still really struggling in this situation in relation to fixating on how badly a so-called friend has been treating me, especially around something so important to me as my home. I feel like a fool and like I should have known better. I find myself complaining about the ludicrousness of it all and feeling so frustrated that this person will just not be reasonable or cooperative. I get some relief but the creepy behaviour keeps on coming and I’m struggling with not getting bogged down in it. Can you suggest what modules might be most helpful in this kind of situation?

    Thank you xo

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