Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Doesn’t The Narcissist Care About Me – Part 1

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 13
57
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

This question has been coming up so much in the Community lately, and it is certainly always a really big theme in the Private Facebook 3 Keys Groups.

It is one of the most invasive reasons why people can stay hooked to narcissists and keep breaking No Contact, because they are trying to stop the agony of not feeling cared for, and can’t stop trying to make the narcissist care for them …

Or they give in to the massive emotional relief when the narcissist, after atrocious behaviour, hoovers and makes signs of caring for them.

What this article series is about, is a deep look into why the narcissist does not have the resources “to care” and how we can overcome the trauma and devastation of that.

 

Our Human Desire to Care and Be Cared For

When I posted to the three Facebook Groups asking people to comment and ask questions about this topic, one lady replied with this …

Interesting to see this post this morning as I began module 1 (of the NARP Program) last night and THIS is what came up for me … over and over … Why couldn’t you love me … why couldn’t you care for me?”

As individuals it is normal for us to want to care for someone and have someone care for us … that’s what love, humanity and human connection is all about.

What is sooo painful about narcissistic relationships, is at the beginning they characterise the extremes of feeling totally cared for (idolised) and then they turn into not being cared for (devalued and discarded).

In the case of family members, the painful feelings are about knowing this person should care … at times may seem to … but then is just as capable of pulling the rug out from underneath their supposed loved one.

When the switch is thrown, by any narcissist, we bear witness to words, actions and acts of punishment that deliver the point blank evidence that not only are our emotions completely irrelevant to the narcissist, there is also no compassion or care for our “self” at all.

In fact, the cruel behaviours can even cause our very security and survival to be at jeopardy – via emotional, physical and / or financial abuse.

Most people find this incomprehensible, shocking and devastating. It is unfathomable to individuals whose own inherent human coding is to care for other people’s wellbeing.

Also, it is very painful when we discover that narcissists, sadly, feign “care”. In fact some narcissists, known as “altruistic narcissists” make “caring” their most powerful weapon to extract narcissistic supply from people … meaning the attention, acclaim and significance that allows them to emotional “exist”.

Devastatingly, many people have found that even genetic links – such as the narcissist’s own children – do not count, as far as caring, and that children are used primarily as pawns in the warfare of relationship breakup and power-plays, extensions of the narcissist to gain significance and acclaim, or are discarded altogether.

This is what Facebook Members wrote about narcissists and their children.

“I think the hard one is watching them not care about their children and trying to understand that.”

“It becomes even harder when the children notice and ask if Dad loves them.”

“His dad idolizes his son and has unrealistic goals and expectations that are about our son being a star! It comes across as being a snob or elitist. So I see my son putting pressure on himself to measure up to dad’s expectations.”

“He constantly tells people how incredible his son is. He puts him on a pedestal. But this is all about him looking good as the father. I know our son is going to come crashing down one day, because being the object of admiration for his father’s supply is not healthy.”

“As they grow into adults, they clearly see the lack of character/integrity of a narcissistic parent, and the affect their covert, underhanded cruelty had on everyone in the family, including themselves and their other parent. It is a tough, tough struggle.”

But even when we discover this, why do many of us hang on? Why do we stay whilst pining for the “care” that we originally wanted to believe was so genuine? Why can’t we just let go?

Why do we feel so hooked and addicted no matter how badly the narcissist abuses us and our children with actions which proclaim zero care?

 

The Agony of Not Being Cared For

Many Facebook Members responded to the devastation of discovering that the narcissist did not care for them.

Comments like …

“I experienced my most primitive wounds when he did not have any capacity to soothe me after triggering them. He could not ‘reach’ me on any level – even when I was displaying utter despair.”

“Oh my goodness you just summed things up for me! ESPECIALLY when my despair was caused by his ways! In that case he would simply flip things around and make his actions my fault!”

“I didn’t see who he is now until it was too late. And I want that feeling back – like when he did all that pretending and made me feel like a queen. I was made to feel as if he did, and then I had the carpet ripped out from under me.”

These woman all stayed attached– definitely long enough to suffer significant relationship agony.

In fact it can take men and women years to recover, if they ever do, (if they don’t take on Thriver Healing Methods) even after the termination of the relationship. The reality of not being loved and cared for, and having lived a lie with a narcissist, can understandably haunt individuals indefinitely.

And then of course there are the men and women who were in decade-long marriages with narcissists, who all of a sudden one day up and left and replaced them with someone else … without a backward glance and as if they never existed.

Many of these men and women made many emotional sacrifices spending decades with narcissist … yet thought this was their life. And after so much long sufferance they were shocked at how their loyalty to the narcissist was repaid.

With total indifference, and without a backward glance after the discard.

This is what one Facebook Member wrote …

“I would like to know how they can be in a long time relationship  … 30 plus years … And only say, “oh well  … too bad!” and just pack their bags and the next day move in with their mistress. It’s been over two and a half years and I can’t even thing about another relationship. How can they do this and not bat an eyelash and act as if your life together meant nothing?”

My narcissistic relationships were nowhere near as long – I can’t even imagine what that would be like for these people – but I know for myself personally “not being cared for” was an enormous agony and hook with narcissists.

Both narcissists in my life appeared to be incredibly caring at the beginning – completely supportive, loving, devoted and such incredible contributors to my life.

Nothing was too much trouble.

They were both “lovebombers.”

This suited me perfectly – my wounds were to do with enmeshment more than anything. Over-involvement in my life was very comfortable for me (it felt normal). In fact men who backed off, showed no interest and made no effort, and did not “commit” always turned me off. They were never my thing.

Both narcissists seemed to be incredibly kind and caring and would go out of their way to “look after me”. This suited me perfectly too; I had wanted a “big strong man” to protect me.

Both narcissists naturally went from “caring and adoring”, to doing what most narcissists do – performing acts of vile, cruel and criminal-minded punishment. Narcissist number 2 was an altruistic narcissist and in-between narcissistic rages he would return to being doting and caring.

This made it very confusing at first, because up to that time I had only ever experienced narcissist number 1’s mask dropping lower and lower with progressively very rare times of “decency” and the battering just getting progressively worse.

What the commonalities were though in the times of not caring was both narcissists would behave atrociously (do things that should have been absolute deal breakers) and both had no ability to be remorseful and take responsibility at the time, or within a short amount of time after the violent narcissistic rages.

They only went to that place of remorse when nothing else would work to keep me connected.

Before I was able to heal the pieces in myself that were co-dependently assigning someone else to be my “carer”, I was beyond devastated in these bouts. Often I would panic and try to fix it. Often I would take the blame to keep the connection. At the times when I was really broken I would plead not to be discarded or abandoned.

And at times when I thought I was in my power (it was still anything but) I would lecture, prescribe and try to force them to “get it” regarding how terrible the “non-caring” behaviour was.

It took me two narcissists to realise that I was the first person (as my own adult) to be responsible for caring for me – and to assign that to someone else whilst I was not prepared to let go and care for myself, had left me in extremely precarious positions.

I also learnt that the greatest agonies, resentments and anxieties we ever have about other people is because they are not providing us with what we as yet don’t know how to provide for ourselves.

I didn’t realise I was still a broken child in an adult body wanting a caring male role model, but instead I was choosing other broken adult children who had no resources to care for me healthily.

I have just released a YouTube Video this week, which is very relevant to this topic … and how we can think we are standing up for ourselves – yet we are truly handing power away.

All whilst trying to get someone to care about us.

You can watch it here. 

 

Not Caring About Your Health Issues

A very common trademark of narcissists is their weird, inhumane behaviour when someone else has a health issue.

They detach, they abandon, they are totally unavailable and they may project anger, or play “tit for tat” – meaning their issues / health is more important than what you are going through.

Please do not confuse what the altruistic narcissistic is very capable of – which is being incredibly “caring” and “supportive” almost to the point of the ridiculous.

The reasons for this is 1) because it gets attention, significance and acclaim from people and 2) it renders the person they do it for, reliant and enmeshed to the narcissist and even more helpless to generate their own life independently and 3) the giving comes at a hefty price – control.

You are then held accountable for all the things the narcissist demands from you, as well as guilts you with or punishes you for not doing.

The reasons for “caring” are definitely not wholesome and when the switch is flicked in a narcissistic rage, you will see “all care” go down the drain … the altruistic narcissist, to punish you, will do what every narcissist does in a narcissistic rage – which is throw you under the proverbial bus without a second thought.

This is what one Facebook Member wrote about her experience with an Altruistic Narcissist

“He comes off as the most generous caring man. He is the guy everyone calls when they are sick, in woe, in trouble, need help, etc. From the outside, he is the most Godly, sacrificing martyr and he beautifully, graciously cares for so many people.

 In fact, had I not gone the most strict form of Mod Contact and Narped out the hooks, he would still be caring for me, after he moved in with his girlfriend, at the price of myself, my body, my mind, and my spirit.

 Care is defined (verb) as to feel concern or interest; attach importance to something and look after and provide for the needs of. I would say that he has always cared for me. But his care is malignant and comes as a price because the definition of Care (noun) is the provision what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something and serious attention or consideration applied to doing something correctly or to avoid damage or risk.

As a noun or state of being, if you will, the embodiment of his care is solely for himself and his reputation.”

This is what other Facebook Members had to say about the weird, total lack of empathy and unavailability narcissists commonly display when people have health issues.

“I’d like to know why when we were physically ill the narc didn’t want to know and lets us struggle further.”

“The day I miscarried when I told him, his immediate reaction was, “Why do these things always happen to me? And he continued to go on about how unfair this was to him. He did not ask how I was at all. I ended up comforting him in the conversation. I thought that was so strange, and felt really hurt by it.”

“The N kicked me out of MY house while I was in hospital after surgery. Of course, he hoovered once I was recovered and the abuse continued for a year.

I want to share with you a friend of mine’s story which highlights the progressive exposure of her narcissist’s lack of care for her.

Her name is Angela.

Angela had grown up in a family of misogynistic men who had very little respect for women.

When Angela met Mark she adored that he was attentive. He pulled out chairs for her, he held the door open. She feel important. She was experiencing male caring in a way that she craved. She truly felt supported and protected.

It came as a terrible shock for her when one day she was ill – and she saw Mark visibly cringe. He immediately started talking about how he was not feeling well, even though she knew it was not him who was ill right now.

He was totally unavailable for her and did not offer to help her in any way.

Then another time when she sustained an injury, and had a serious neck problem, he got angry at her and told her it was her own fault.

Where has this beautiful man who cared so much for her gone? What was wrong with him?

Angela sucked it up – she didn’t want to rock the boat.

Then an event happened that left her reeling.

In the midst of an argument Mark told Angela to “f off”. She was in the city with him, he had driven her and he walked off and left her to fend for herself.

Angela had been drinking wine, she had shared a bottle with him over dinner, and she felt tipsy, disorientated and terrified about being left in a part of the city she did not know with limited money, all on her own.

Angela got herself home precariously and was devastated that he had done that to her, and realised then and there that he had no concern for her wellbeing and safety.

The next day, after he had not contacted her for hours she contacted him. He was not remorseful … in fact he had no comprehension that what he did that was wrong.

Angela was thrown into a panic … the horror and terror of “Why don’t you care about me?”

And rather than being able to recognise this as the deal-breaker it was, pull away from him and look after herself, she stayed attached … clinging to him wanting her original man to return.

At this point, before Angela did the inner work on WHY she was clinging, she did not realise that this was the little girl inside her wanting her father and brothers to care.

And sadly and tragically now that the precedent was set, more and more events happened where it was obvious that Mark had NO care or respect for Angela at all – yet she hung on trying to make him “get it” and she grew more disturbed, more hurt and more hopelessly addicted to him as things deteriorated.

Thank goodness Angela did the inner work to heal herself and could save herself before her total demise. She left Mark, went No Contact and worked NARP – developing her inner resources to care for and value herself.

Angela’s story is so many people’s stories … women and men connected to narcissists hanging on trying to get them to change and not realising the deeper reasons why we do this.

 

If You Get the Attention I’ll Get None

So what is it about narcissists that causes their strange behaviour toward someone who needs them at times of health or stress issues?

And why do they have such an incredible inability to experience genuine compassion and empathy when people are down?

And it’s important that we get very clear regarding the word “genuine”, because narcissists are capable of empathy that is feigned – when there is a payoff.

So to outside people and friends, the narcissist may be incredibly accommodating, opening up hearth and home to help others – but this if for appearances. This is to earn narcissistic supply and have people say “What a fantastic guy / gal – he / she is so wonderful.”

However with close intimates behind closed doors (other than the altruistic narcissist who is often very “caring” to the partner too) it is a completely different story, because this intimate is supposed to grant the narcissist acclaim, significance and energy – NOT take it away.

The narcissist is always low on energy to grant. There is no inner fullness that can be experienced for self, and if supply is not forthcoming as a result of getting sex, acclaim or significance (I must be VERY important to be able to effect someone so much) – the narcissist starts running very low on narcissistic supply.

When this happens the agony of the narcissist’s gaping inner unhealed wounds threatens to swamp him or her.

Narcissists are always positioning themselves to avoid this at all costs.

To have you be sick, or engrossed in an issue, or feeling down or needing support is a huge danger trigger for the narcissist.

He or she may not even consciously realise what is going on … which is this … on the inside there is a little wounded child screaming, “Oh no! If you get the attention there will be none for me! I’ll starve of energy and I will no longer exist!”

To be needed to serve, without a payoff, could render the narcissist so low on narcissistic supply that he or she literally feels the terror of possible emotional annihilation.

This is why when you are sick or in need, the narcissist has to switch off, pull away and at the very least pretend it’s not happening.

Or the narcissist’s tactic may be to retaliate with his or her own maladies (blown up in proportion or fabricated), or downright attack you and belittle you for making “a mountain out of a molehill” – or whatever it takes to minimalize your experience and hopefully stop you doing it.

Point blank – the narcissist cannot cope with you being unwell and requiring energy and attention … and you will be astounded at what the narcissist is capable of doing at these times.

 

Why Doesn’t a Narcissistic Parent Care About Their Child?

It’s bad enough when it happens to you, but as a parent it can reach a whole other level of devastation to see the lack of care and concern narcissists can have for your children when suffering physical illnesses or injuries.

This is what Facebook Members wrote about this …

“My son was in an accident and needed reconstructive surgery. As his surgery progressed and he went into post op I contacted his dad (the N) to give him an update on how our son was doing. I texted him with 3 separate updates on his progress and NEVER received a response?! This is not even about ME… it’s about our son. I was shocked and disappointed but I should have known better. He doesn’t acknowledge me any longer because I left him. Like how dare I leave him. But really?? This is our son! My assumption is that he didn’t want to acknowledge me and was trying to punish me by not responding?”

“My son was in a terrible accident and paramedics said they expected to find him dead because the accident was so bad. He was severely injured and could have died. His dad said he wouldn’t go to the ER if I was going to be there. We told him to suck it up. It is his son. My sister and I stayed there in the ER all day. His dad didn’t even call to ask what was going in. Melanie … I would love answers on how an N can do this to his son?”

Truly, we have to understand that narcissists sadly are simply not brain-wired the same way we are. They have so much inner unhealed traumas and dysfunction that they are constantly in emotional survival trying to live on the dwindling narcissistic supply they last received, and working out how they are going to get their next dose.

They don’t have the resources to put those levels of anxiety and self-absorption aside to be available for someone else – even their children. As such, they literally do NOT feel concern or care at these times.

Even feigning concern may be too much effort – if there is no return.

What return of “acclaim” and “significance” would there be for a parent just doing what a normal parent would do?

Being highly involved with an acquaintance in hospital would be a much better narcissistic supply payoff for a narcissist – because this would be a “charitable deed” “out of the ordinary” and “above the call of duty” rather than just a bland low on narcissistic supply “expected family duty”.

I hope this helps you understand … and can give you some relief.

I know it’s horrendous, shocking and unimaginable to a “normal” human being … but this is not personal, and it doesn’t mean your children are not of value or are not worth loving.

The narcissist’s behaviour does not define your children – even though you may think it does.

It is up to you to make sure as the healthy parent that your children know they are worthy and of value regardless of how someone – even their incapable parent – treats them.

When you stop being so dismayed by the narcissist’s lack of resources – so will your children.

It is what it is … you cannot force someone to do something that they simply do not have the resources to do. But what YOU can change is how you chose to feel about it and then you will change how you react to it.

That’s the healing goal for you and your children.

 

In Closing

I hope that this article has helped explain why narcissists don’t care, and please know if you have circumstances regarding “non-caring” that you feel wasn’t covered off in this article – I have written previous articles that I think can help …

What Is Narcissistic Supply.

The Real Reasons Why The Narcissist Punishes You.

I have said it many times and I will say it again – that the whole enigma of narcissistic abuse can be peeled back to one certain fact …

Narcissists detect our weak spots, and they appeal to us as if they are going to relieve us of these fears, and they end up being the deliverer of even more pain on that original wound.

And a very strange phenomenon happens with us … that is NOT logical …

Rather than pull away from someone who delivers more of what has always hurt us, our unconscious tendencies are to cling harder.

What we don’t realise that we are doing is trying THIS TIME to make the original person do it differently.

We are trying to unconsciously re-write our painful history.

The truth for all of us is – when we are hooked to someone when all logic says we shouldn’t be – there is a deeper reason.

These are unhealed wound within us, that match exactly what the narcissist delivers to us (the abuse).

Until we resolve these wounds, we are hooked to the narcissist trying to force him / her to resolve it. Of course all of this is going on unconsciously and is incredibly powerful.

This is what trying to work it out cognitively can’t address or reach in a way that frees us from the original wound and then the narcissist.

It isn’t until we resolve the original wound that we come out of the trance and the powerful emotional drivers that keep us hooked.

Next week in Part 2 we are going to deeply investigate … how, when we have been narcissistically abused, to pull away and care for ourselves.

 I look forward to answering your comments and question as always!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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57 Thoughts on Why Doesn’t The Narcissist Care About Me – Part 1
  • mnoren@got.net'
    Marcia
    March 19, 2016

    Wow! As a NARP member for six months now, I was stunned by your laser-beam insights in this article. The pain of being a mother who witnesses the Ns coldness toward his children comes from seeing something so deep and dark,
    that it is a life-threatening crisis that shatters her heart, and wrenches her gut with knowing that once again, she is facing down evil. A familiar evil, that she could no escape from, since childhood. And you have miraculously, given us the answer to how the N must hoard his supply! Yes! Any passing stranger is more valuable than you, or the children he claims to love. Thank you, Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Marcia,

      I am so pleased this article resonated with you.

      And that this has helped grant you relief.

      It is so, so up to us to be a positive source of light and healing – to overcome what isn’t.

      Then we do … and for our kids.

      Mel xo

    • dmgreen367@aol.com'
      Dawn
      April 28, 2016

      A physical psychological view of huge groups of people, stuffing individuals into categories does not allow one to take the spiritual and individual into account. A person’s individual psychological profile is usually very apparent on their astrological chart. What we sometimes think of as evil or narcissistic is more times than not just misalignments. The great sins we think the “narcissist” has committed against us may not be sin at all in his/her mind or God’s. We need more love and compassion here- not more division and labels.

      I’m not excusing the differences or saying a person should stay with someone who brings out the worst in them or hurts them- they should leave if their heart tells them it’s too much. I’m saying we need to let go of the darkness (hate) and get on with our journey in life. We need to find beauty and love. Most people freshly in love are not going to give up that wonderful feeling because there are signs of a psychological label. It seems to me, the whole idea of this label is for no other purpose than the labeler to hold on to darkness, when they can have light and love.

  • wisbell@thelighthouse.co.nz'
    Rosie
    March 19, 2016

    I understand totally.
    My worst narcissistic experiences were when I was pregnant and returning from Europe. I had morning sickness and an ear infection, and had to stay over in Hong Kong on the way back. He went on without me, and when I did arrive home I was jetlagged, and unwell, and didn’t know even what city he was in.
    Then I was in hospital, unwell, for the later parts of my pregnancy.
    My daughter was delivered, and I didn’t see her until the next day.
    Then she came back to me and cried all night. I was so unwell from the medication that I couldn’t even stand up.
    So he gave her her first bath – and then went off for several days to give an unnecessary paper at a conference.
    When I came home I was so sick, and he did everything for our daughter, shutting me out.
    I remember, as I got better, fighting with him to even do the washing and housework.
    He did continue to cook (inedible) meals.
    I stayed, and had another daughter, and left 8 years later.
    Now it is several decades later.
    I have got my own life back.
    I have my own home, which is filled with love.
    I am working at a really good job, and have started a healing practice.
    I have friends, and have (after a long time) had several lovers.
    I feel that I have my self back again.
    But sadly I have had to pull back from that daughter, as she has taken on his viewpoint that I am weak, and not able to manage, and didn’t fit in with his (overly permissive) way of managing the children.
    I say this to show that you can extricate yourself from massive emotional neglect, and deal with your own issues, and get on with a productive life.
    And that you can survive No Contact with a daughter.
    That was when I really start to come into myself, and now we are starting to have a more productive relationship.
    Thank you for all your work and wisdom.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Rosie,

      That’s great you understand now.

      I am so pleased you have created your own wonderful life now!

      And wonderful now that things are coming back in regard to your relationship with your daughter, as things do when we heal …

      You are doing a wonderful job Rosie 🙂 And please know you are so welcome.

      Mel xo

  • christie_schlenk@hotmail.com'
    Sandra
    March 19, 2016

    I always remember my narc father absolutely abusing my mother on the night before her mother’s funeral. My Grandmother had died in a horrific, shock gas leak and my mother was in grief and shock. My father could never stand anyone to have any attention, so of course he called my mother names and screamed at her and made her go home with him to look after him, not be with her extended family at the dinner. Of course, she did. 45 years of being married to a narc, my poor mother’s brain is slowly dying. It’s not Alzheimers, her brain is just shutting down from years of trying to keep this damaged and rage filled narc happy. Trying to get his love. He was jealous of me and my siblings growing up and he has finally worked it so that she doesn’t get to see any of us, or her grandchildren. It’s so, so sad. The funniest part is, I ended up marrying (and divorcing) a man very similar to my father, and my parents see me as a failure and a disappointment (Dad has said these words to me). I’d rather that than to live the role I have watched her take my whole life. Death will be her only escape from him.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Sandra,

      Your poor Mum, my heart goes out to women and men who stay with N partners all the way to this … their own disintegration.

      That was a lot of what that generation did – thank goodness now we don’t need to follow that same pattern.

      Mel xo

  • n4bach@comcast.net'
    Been there
    March 19, 2016

    Bull’s eye! “Why don’t they care?” I have asked myself that question for years, especially during a time when I was physically vulnerable and more than a little incapacitated re: a difficult post-op surgery. The N showed up, and – giving him the benefit of the doubt – went through the motions of being accessible, but I regretted early on that I sought him out for the emotional sustenance which I sorely needed. I probably would have been better off going to rehab.

    When one is incapable of showing/feeling genuine compassion and is unable/unwilling to share the heart of another, those on the receiving end of this experience an inner loneliness which is inexplicable.

    Reading your article validates my experience and affirms my conviction that I must not ever try again to extract water from a rock. Thank you for your most helpful insights.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Been There,

      I love how you said … can’t extract water from a rock … that is truly it.

      I am so pleased this article has helped you!

      You are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Girl_tuesday27@yahoo.com'
    Jarwithaheavylid
    March 19, 2016

    It all makes sense now.

    When I got pregnant he repeatedly told me that my attention would change and that I would only have eyes for the baby – that he had been through it before and he knew it for sure. This was also a great reason for not leaving his wife (despite me never wanting him to if he couldn’t leave for his own reasons and not for me anyway).

    And pretty much, the other ‘maladies’ and problems, as you say, started to arise. He had heart valve surgery (okay, serious enough – and curiously, I know three narcissists who have had heart valve surgery, one dying a few years after the fact at 39). He had a lesion on his penis. His dog died. He needed to work out of his marriage could work (absence, followed by hoovering). He couldn’t move out because the farmhouse was being renovated. Meanwhile he told his wife about the baby (probably to beat me to it as they trust nobody), triangulating us and basking in this horrible abuse she sucked up. To know I helped abuse her is the worst part. But don’t worry, she enables him to ‘abuse’ me now. Or more our son who he has never met, lest it steal the attention from him. I alternate between being sorry for her, knowing that she is abused, and believing she deserves every minute of her co-dependent hell for her perfectionism, martyrdom and righteousness.

    Thanks so much for helping the penny to finally drop.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi JWHL,

      That is wonderful it makes sense now …

      Yes the N’s issues are often of paramount importance and front and centre one way or another … whatever it takes for supply and attention ..

      I hope this article can help your healing.

      Mel xo

  • agapetoujours@gmail.com'
    liz
    March 19, 2016

    His not caring attitude is what causes me the most pain…
    I used to compare my Narc to the tiger in the movie “Py Odyssee”…the tiger by its agression is keeping the child so emotionally attached, and at the end the tiger is leaving as if nothing happened. The child remains half crazy…..

    Narc are not real human….they cannot care…they are illusive partners….and we love them…

    I am in love with a Narc who doesn t care…who can ignore me. Who can make as if i didn t exist…but when he needs a supply he will call me….and i will say yes…

    today 4:years later i start to accept this little illusive game…each day i am getting stronger in not granting any enotions to him….

    But yes it is a long and difficult path to become emotionnally free…i want to become free…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Liz,

      Yes at first it is incredibly painful – and that is one of the biggest calls we have to self-partner and heal ourselves – because when we do that pain goes … I promise you Liz.

      Have you checked into my New Life resources yet Liz?

      They will help you so much http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstarted and truly put you on the path to healing from this agony.

      Mel xo

  • thekullast@gmail.com'
    Therese
    March 19, 2016

    It is unfortunate that after being raised by an N and having two N/P sisters, that my going “no contact” with 26 family members is seen as my abandonment of them. Of course I am being blamed. Somehow after 59 years, I woke up and saw the mental manipulation of brainwashing and cult behavior. At first, I didn’t have words to know what was going on, but I knew that something was really, really wrong and I took space to do research and heal. As I saw the “ultimate N punishment of total abandonment” coming in the form of my siblings and family members not able to see or hear me, I committed to myself to not participate in my own or anyone else’s abuse. Even in my absence, I am still being used in the usual Catch 22, “damned if I do and damned if I don’t.” The love/hate supply being pointed at me is devastating. There have been many lives lost (suicides) due to one of my sisters and I know that I can never go back now that I know. Stepping away gave my brain the ability to think away from the confusion/chaos. I am holding and comforting my little ones (internal young ages) and I feel so tired and so sad. This has gone on my whole life and even with three years of research, grief, recovery, healing and the support of my husband, I’m finding it difficult to feel any hope of joy or love for life. It is so hard to finally take care of myself by stepping away and not know how to move forward to create a life for myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Therese,

      I am so sorry you are still feeling the pain …

      Have you connected to my resources and found out more about my methods to heal?

      I would you to do that – because truly there is a way to get the trauma out of your body and heal from this.

      And we can do that regardless of whether the people in our life past or present understand the truth or not. Our lives, emotions and state of being is no longer reliant on anyone else when we discover how to truly heal.

      Please check out http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar – as the next extensive healing group will be starting soon, and it would be wonderful for you.

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    ruth
    March 20, 2016

    Hi Mel. I am at 1 month no contact, feeling good, but have my bad days. One of the last things I said to him, was that I realized he just did not care. His response was, you are are right about one thing, I don’t give a f***. But having been though this one time before with narc #1, I was able to endure these words without absorbing them. It has strengthened my resolve to stay no contact, because, well, I DESERVE to be with someone who does care about me. The trap for me was wanting to be the one who would break through to him, and fix it. What drove me even further was that he has a beautiful son, whom I adore, and I was worried for him because he has told me he gets scared of his dad. I have done what I could to help and have to let go. The most profound place of growth for me has been saying ‘no’ to those who do not value and respect me, and if there is a pattern of this kind of treatment, instead of trying to convince someone that I am lovable, move on to those who can give that naturally and stop making it my job to convince those who do not. This has taken a lot of work and growth and mostly letting go of the wish or fantasy that my mother loved me the way I needed to be loved. She did not. And although that is sad, as it is for so many of us to deal with our core wounds, the good news is , in facing this horrific pain, I am now the one loving me back to life. I am the mother I never had. So here’s to life! Love you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Ruth,

      It is still early days and truly you are doing a great job!

      Yep – there is no point having any investment in someone who does not care about you – at all …

      And truly that does not mean we are not worthy of care – we infinitely are – which is even more reason to no longer put our soul around people who don’t have the resources to.

      That is what caring for ourselves is all about.

      Amen to deserving that and taking the stand.

      I adore your orientation and growth Ruth!

      Congratulations … you are SO on the right track!!

      Mel xo

  • tanjathomas456@gmail.com'
    tanja
    March 20, 2016

    Hi Mel, I just want to say thank you because I truly believe that god direct our lives and he directed me to your site to really and truly get a understanding about me, my past and all my relationships especially with Narcissistic people and men’s. Even through my Ex is a Narc and as much as I loved him, I had to let him go. We are in no contact now going on two months. We have played this game before on and off, up and down for 14 year as a couple but we go back a long way together knowing each other and us falling in love as teenager. Once I started reading your site about Narc relationship and me being codependent, it really opened my eyes. I realize that my Ex Narc came back into my life to teach me something about me and my past and why I put up with him and people with that disorder. I know that he realize now that we will never have a relationship again because now I know him. He even realize that his old tactics couldn’t work on me anymore. I feel sorry for him but also want to thank him. Because without him I wouldn’t know what I know now. I know I will see him again and he will see me but in my eyes he will be in my past and me with a smile. It was a painful lesson to learn especially when you have that person in your heart and truly love them but once I started working on myself and look inside my heart and found me again well I realize that I loved me more then my ex narc did me so I bid him farewell with his life because he still going to be him (narc) with those same nasty disorders inside him and I will be walking in a different life still with love in my heart and me being me but with a lot of good knowledge inside me also. Thank you and god bless you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Tanya,

      it is my pleasure!

      Well done on going NC for two months and being strong after so many years of being connected.

      I love your level of gratefulness, that is SO powerful and that you learnt the essential lesson which is to love and fill self first … rather than love someone else at the price of your own self-sacrifice.

      Welcome to your new and amazing Life!!!

      Bless you too Tanya.

      Mel xo

  • lydiamc1247@sbcglobal.net'
    Diane
    March 20, 2016

    I am 5 months out of a 4+ year relationship with a very charming narcissist. Only now do I see how he used me(and everyone) to make himself feel better. One of the most painful things to recognize was that he really didn’t care about me. He used to tell me that he still “loved” all of his old gf’s. The strange thing is that he never talked about them with kindness or any sense of real knowing who they were. I’m sure I will not be remembered with any more authentic emotion, tho a few weeks ago he told me that I was a very nice person. Wow. I knew that. This is one of the hardest things to accept: that I only existed in his life to make him feel good. Once I began to see that he didn’t really listen to anyone, I stopped talking, and this was the death knell for the relationship. He couldn’t tolerate not being “it” all the time. His final act of defiance was to cheat with woman who was “born again” and coincidentally had money. I’m glad to be out of the relationship, but I daily remember all those ways of berating me that I ignored.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Diane,

      I am so pleased you are out – and please stay strong. You can do this!

      Wishing you healing and a wonderful recovery to live the life and love you truly deserve.

      It’s your time …

      Mel xo

  • tanjathomas456@gmail.com'
    tanja
    March 20, 2016

    And to me the question that being ask about why they didn’t care about us is because they don’t care about themselves. I’m sure it hard for them to wake up everyday and look at themselves in the mirror and feel empty. Empty means nothing in there but when you love and care about yourself and look in the mirror what do YOU see? The answer is totally difference then them (narc)

  • Laprat12@gmail.com'
    Lorrie
    March 20, 2016

    Hi Melanie, wow, it is so interesting how in this article you brought attention to the fact that the narc does devalue and get supply from his family at the same time, and it’s his family that he should be treating the best are the ones he treats the worst because it is in private, and they know the real person behind the mask. The narc would be devastated if his public knew how he really was. It’s as if the people in public or his workplace are the only people he wants to impress because that relationship with them is the most fake and the illusion can truly be real and his mind.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Lorrie,

      so, so correct …

      And yes the people at arms length are the ones that never get to know …

      Mel xo

  • Faye.grant@me.com'
    Faye
    March 20, 2016

    I am very grateful for Mel’s beautifully written explanation, and the comments above. I realize that for close to 30 years I danced a dangerous soul killing tango with my now-ex out of the belief that my fierce love could change HIS abusive behaviors. What I now know after loosing my health and and my sanity for a long time, is that hanging on seeped in self righteousness was devastating both for me and for our now grown daughter, who grew up not knowing why she suffered from severe psychiatric disabilities. I did not learn my ex’s diagnosis of NPD with sociopathic tendencies- was not aware that was even a thing- until so much damage had been done. By doing this profound work, and focusing on healing myself on a cellular level, I am experiencing a more relaxed me, feeling that my best is now enough, and am slowly letting go of the fear of my daughter’s father’s hold on her. My relationship with my daughter is now based on mutual respect, and I am becoming the solid mother she always needed. NO contact with the narc is an essential part of my healing, and I am evolving out of my pain. Yay.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Faye,

      that is so honest – when we admit we tried to love a narcissist back to health and horribly found out just how that was not possible to do.

      That is so wonderful that you are doing the deep cellular work now with NARP .. and I am always so thrilled and happy when this shifts our relationship that we had that was previously troubled with our children.

      Keep up the great work Faye!!

      Yay indeed!

      Mel xo

  • sellicottdarke@yahoo.com.au'
    Susan
    March 20, 2016

    Firstly I would like to say how much your comments on narcissistic abuse and how to heal from it are wonderfully helpful to me. So thank you for this.

    I agree with you wholeheartedly that fixing childhood wounds is what one has to do to lead a happy life. That is, that looking to a narcissist to fix one’s problems will only make those problems worse and create new ever more painful ones. That is, that one must up level and forget all about making the narcissist accountable for their deeds. That one must focus on their own life and happiness.

    However, narcissists with their coercive and covert manipulations can be seen as domestic abusers can they not? And family courts nowadays are taking this kind of abuse into account. It is not legal to exert coercive control over someone. Laws in the UK and in Australia deal with this now.

    So, you say Mel one must not try to hold a narcissist abuser accountable, as it will in effect only backfire on you and cause you more pain. So, is determining to make a narcissist accountable in court for their behaviour a “wrong” thing to do? I would appreciate your comments on this.

  • f_liberti@msn.com'
    Frank Liberti
    March 21, 2016

    I am a male having experienced being with a narcissist female.To anyone who follows this advice, you will recover and to the degree that you absorb more of this knowledge. We are blessed to have come across this information and I encourage you to seek as much as you can – your recovery and happiness and possibly your life depend on it. Be sure you read the end of this post. I am very well educated and attained high level of success in business and now realize my drive to be successful was how I responded to replace what was missing in my life and the same reason that led me to narcissist in the first place. In fact I had 2. The first one told me my 2nd one was like her but on steroids. There is a difference in the depth of punishment they are capable of. I had both a narcissist and an altruistic narcissist. I almost lost all self. I experienced the absolute worst punishments you could imagine. Yes, those who knew me couldn’t believe how or understand why I would stay with this girl, but through this work that is being made available to us, we have learned that this is a dance we are having with ourselves that has led us to this place of recovery where we can finally heal “SELF” which would never allow us to accept being with a narcissist in the first place. You will soon be able to see the signs and break off immediately.YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF THE ERRONEOUS IDEA THAT YOU HAVE, THAT PLACES ANY VALUE WHAT-SO-EVER ON THE NARCISSIST PERSON. I suffered at the hands of a person who truly punishes as narcissists do. My girl was able to have identical experiences with others each time she broke up with me including sex without as much as a hint of being immoral. The truth is they are immoral, they know they are immoral but they don’t care. Even after these experiences, I went back. Then I had a major trauma and was medivaced for brain surgery. She invited me to recover at her house. I thought I had broken through,finally got a piece of her heart or some empathy. Then I realized that it is absolutely impossible for the narcissist to have any empathy for anyone who is sick. Within just a few days she approached me to tell me that she needed her space and literally threw me out having me pack and leave within the hour. I had massive brain surgery, a skull full of staples, IV’s hooked up to me and she didn’t even allow the opportunity for someone to come get me. I was forced to drive my own car without medical clearance. My son said he wouldn’t even throw a homeless person out the way she did me. As you would expect, after several months and healing, she called and I went back. A year later I had to have another procedure and again, she could not allow any attention to be taken from her or be given to me but here is the good news; I had secretly been reading these works about narcissists and when she blew up on me and you know what I mean, I decided I was leaving and I did. Then the craziest thing I had even seen occurred. She started screaming at me me and telling me that no man can not walk out on her and that if I left I would never be allowed back and that I was a weak man and couldn’t handle a woman blowing up at him…Then I called her a bitch and she went berserk. She changed into a 5 year old child, stomping her feet, waving her hands and screamed that she was going to the closet to get the belt and whip m back until there were welts. All the while in the voice of a 5 year old. That was it – I left and never went back. I was able to do on contact. Its been After 4 months she sent me an e-mail from a new e-mail address. Thanks to these works that gave me a true understanding, I have been able to remain no contact. I still have pain everyday, I have more work to do on me but I am doing it now. And I accept, If you can accept the truth about the narcissist person you can make the deduction, have an intuition and finally know the truth and accept it for what it is. You didn’t cause it, you can’t change it and you can’t cure it. You could get an erroneous idea corrected that places any value what-so-ever on the narcissist or any value they could possibly bring to you or anyone. I pray this helps and that you recover.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Frank,

      thank you for you powerful and honest share.

      Thank goodness you woke up, and you are out – and that is wonderful that you are now healing this!

      Your post is also a great inspiration for the many men who have also suffered at the hands of a narcissistic woman.

      It’s wonderful when men come forward and post – and what has been so pleasing in the present Webinar Facebook group is the AMOUNT of men sharing and coming forward.

      More than ever – so thank you for being a part of this movement.

      Mel xo

  • eldeener@yahoo.com'
    Gene Deener
    March 21, 2016

    I apologize for the length. This is from my journal. Ive edited it.

    I was in a 16 month relationship from hell. Here it is. Read it when your able to.. Been out of the relationship for 18 months now. Just trying to figure out where I went wrong..
    Check this out….excuse some of the vocabulary.
    This is my journal since I got my walking papers. I’m not going to act like I’m a saint, because I’m far from that. But I’m not going to sit on my ass and take all the blame either. I don’t care what everyone thinks. These are my perceptions and what has happened during the course of this relationship. Met her in May 2013. She was a train wreck from her separation and pending divorce. We got along well it seemed. She was sort of working but mostly relying on alimony. Husband being a jerk.Got her through a divorce and death of her mother. Helped her move her mom’s stuff out of the retirement home. Guess I came in handy for that. I couldn’t afford stuff she wanted to do for the most part. Up front with that from the start. Told her I had all the debt and all my extra was going to pay it off. My fault for not taking her away for a weekend that kids were gone. I had told her I couldn’t afford it. She said, well you alluded to it. What part of I can’t afford it, does she not understand? My fault for everything. I told her up front I couldn’t be with her 24/7 because I have a house and kids to. Her response? I have 5 kids; you only think you’re busy. WTF? I WAS TOTALLY UP FRONT WITH THAT!! People are gonna say “oh she’s so low maintenance and just wants to be with you”. Maybe in college, or in your perception, but not anymore. She’s needy, and only her needs count. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to be needed, but not smothered with threats. She told me numerous times I better be careful “because she’s mean”…….yep, she is.
    Seems like once she got the coaching gig at lakes and adversity, we started drifting. Just became more busy and I understand that. I was happy for her and encouraged her to strike out and get her certs so she could teach at Lakes and become salaried. I tried my best and I know it wasn’t good enough because I’m not good enough, but it was what I thought was right. It’s like as her situation became better with all the new career stuff, I didn’t seem to matter, but if I didn’t acknowledge her, I was not treating her special. Lots of time doing tournaments and practice, doesn’t leave you open for much.
    Between tournaments and soccer time was at a premium. We have days where we didn’t see each other. Sometimes it was my bad. Sometimes the schedules went late. Never told me what her schedule was only got bits and pieces. So I would be at home waiting, and if I guessed wrong as to when she was available, my fault. She plays rec volleyball. As if she’s not busy enough. Didn’t get invited out to those either. Didn’t feel very included. Never did anything with her friends except for a few times, and those were large events. Embarrassed of me? Plus all the demands for being made to feel special and never returned it, put pressure on me, and I was never made to feel special. Never. I never stayed over her house at night. Felt weird with all the kids. My problem, I know. Couldn’t get over that.Offered to drive kids. Denied. Offered to help in anyway. Denied. Was told that she felt that she and the kids were a pain in the ass to me and that I had better things to do. I used to drive them all the time. Got tired of hearing that. Maybe that’s what they did become. I wanted to help, especially if we were to have a future, which I wanted. Perhaps I thought that a guy who was willing to take on her and 5 kids was something very special on its own. My love for her kept me in it. I asked all the time, continually shut down till I stopped asking. Got yelled at for trying to help put in a trash bag. Yelled at for trying to help serve food to her kids, just to help out. On top of the snarky comments as well. She blows up at her kids frequently too. Made me a tad uncomfortable.
    Had an issue with me and her son’s football practice. Her neighbor offered to take the boys to football so I wouldn’t have too, since she was free. She could drop them and I could pick them up or something. I said ok, let me check with my GF and couldn’t get ahold of her, so we agreed to stick to original plan of me taking him. Somehow this turned out to be me feeling put out by having to do it, according to Neighbor. My GF called me on it and said one of you is lying. I told her my side and felt she thought I was the liar. They feed off of each other like that.
    Called my daughter a cock block and that I enabled her. Didn’t check on my daughter when I was gone, not that she had to, but it’s what people in relationships do. I NEVER said crap about her kids crawling all over us when we tried to be alone. How about when I’m sitting at home, fighting my demons from a lifetime of war and a failed marriage where most times the only reason I’m still around is because of 2 kids, who checks on me? No one. Never once did she ever ask to talk with me about my day, or how I feel. Always about her. Passed out at work, got carted to the ER for dehydration. All I got was a “Are you ok”. No do you need anything, can I come over. Nothing. Get the typical I’m not being treated special crap. Expected me to come over. I did. I’m not special either? I’m the one who just bounced his head off the desk!! I’m sad; I’m alone even with her. My daughter had a strong attachment to my GF and that started going downhill with Mish cutting her out of her life. Never texting her or saying hi. I’m upset, but I’m not. Upset that my body hasn’t cooled and she’s already with another dude.
    Well, as this comes to an end, she has a new BF before she even broke up with me. Nice. She likes the attention, I believe, of being the mother of 5 children and her predicament. Likes being the Martyr and everyone making over her. “oh you Poor thing” or “how do you do it?” Seen it. Believe what you want to, but I think this dumping me has been planned for some time and makes me sad, was looking for a reason and that came with the final you’re not treating me special ultimatum at my kids football game. I was angry about that. It looks like my entire fault because I’m not spending enough time with her. Whatever……..
    Believe what you want. I don’t care. I gave it my best shot and it wasn’t a partnership, it was a one sided relationship, her side only. Some have said to me that she works all day and then has to come home and feed the kids, homework etc. Her schedule is of her own choosing. Not mine. When you refuse help, well then you get none. Then you have the nerve to bitch about it. Which for some I’m partly to blame, but not totally. Got kind of skittish, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
    Where do I go from here? Leave her behind and hope she disappears. New guy is in for a surprise. He may have known her for a while, but he hasn’t “known” her. Maybe that will be his cup of tea. Don’t know. All out of craps to give on it. He can put up with her schedule and constant fibro BS and Xanax popping. Not my problem. I was willing to take it all on, all of it, but because she didn’t feel special enough or we didn’t communicate (that was one sided too), I’m tossed to the side. We made love. Afterwards, she tells me shes glad my Penis isnt big like her ex husbands. Nice.
    Dislikes:
    Don’t Like her Martyr syndrome
    Don’t like her attitude
    Don’t like her hectic schedule, which is of her choosing
    Don’t like how she shuts people out. (I’m guilty to)
    Don’t like her friends. Snooty
    Don’t like her me, me, me, me attitude
    Don’t like her College Degree dropping
    Don’t like her I’m a D1 athlete attitude
    Don’t like her treat me special or else
    Don’t like the damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Couldn’t seem to do anything right enough for her.
    Likes:
    Very focused coach
    Good cook. Wow, sat here for 15 minutes and couldn’t think of any further likes.
    Am I whining? Yep. I couldn’t tell her any of this without it being turned back on me. I don’t communicate well and don’t verbalize well, so I suck it up and deal with it, hoping it would change, she’s just under a lot of stress, so on, so forth.
    I guess deep down I knew this was over. Deep down I knew she was looking for a reason to drop me and I gave it to her. It is what it is.
    Gotta figure out a strategy to deal with her for volleyball season when she coaches my son. Guess I will just keep my distance overall. Hopefully she won’t act out.
    Hard today to not reach out to her, but I know it would be a mistake. She’s done, she’s latched on to another
    Ex has been a big help. Believe it or not.
    I don’t like Her very much. I really don’t.
    Last night: 10:40 pm
    I can’t believe what happened. Well, I guess I can. I’m not sure if it ever would have lasted any way. While I loved you at first, you changed, then I did. Then we drifted. You had to many demands and ultimatums for me, and I never gave you any at all. I accepted your kids and prepared to take it all on. You stopped me. I was the wrong guy. I’m not in your circle. Never was. I knew that. Never felt a part of your life with your Libertyville friends. Probably why we never did anything with them. Felt like a blue collar worker at a ballet. Uncomfortable. Always. Felt alone, even with you. Not a lot of affection shown by you, at least without a threat or bargain. Sorry for wasting your time.
    Tried one last time to win her back. Went to HS VB practice with flowers and told her I loved her. She grabbed the flowers, called it in appropriate, said some bad things about me and then about daughter and walked off. I was replaced in a week. Wow.
    I could go on, but why bother. This has been my most painful life event. Sometimes I think im over it and then I get hit with a wave of grief. Im still so very sad and skittish. Thanks for listening

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Hi Gene,

      I know you are in agony right now – and my heart goes out to you – we all know this place OH so well …

      the truth is people whose lives are “trainwrecks” generally don’t take responsibility for their life and then blame others when they don’t either.

      Victims take hostages Gene that’s just what they do ..

      And no amount of us prescribing to someone is going to make a scrap of difference regarding them valuing us when they don’t have the resources to.

      Our lesson in all of this is not holding people responsible to valuing us, and valuing ourselves by leaving alone people like this.

      Just because we “chose” someone does not mean they were supposed to or even able to love us if they don’t have the resources of the inclination to – loving us is actually our own job first.

      And that is the healing direction necessary – otherwise truly we keep angry, resentful and in agony about what people did not provide us that we have not yet healed within or providing to ourselves.

      Yet when we do that – we realize TOTALLY why these people came into our lives and we move beyond the need to repeat such an experience ever again.

      We graduate we move into healthier fields, choices and ways we show up and who we will or will not connect intimately with.

      We will NEVER tolerate people in our lives providing us with a level of love and respect that is less than the ability we have to love ourselves.

      And that is the REAL work … she was just a messenger.

      Mel xo

  • hollyonvirtue@gmail.com'
    Holly
    March 21, 2016

    I doubt I could be staying strong without you, Melanie. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. I have survived much in my 59 years and would have never imagined that I could still be in such pain from an emotionally abusive and disrespectful man 9 months out…and I was the one to say I could no longer accept the disintegration of not only my marriage, but of my very soul and spirit, and left a life that on the outside any woman would love to have. Took every bit of courage I had.
    The most heinous of his many transgressions was his reaction when we’d meet someone new (unlikely as he didn’t like making small talk and because I want to know everyone’s story) and they would ask if we had children. I would let him answer and talk about his two grown children, and then they would look at me. My standard answer is “I have a son…who lives in heaven”. (My only child died tragically a month before his 22nd birthday). On two occasions, this man who claimed to love and adore me, made snoring noises under his breath. Yes. Unconscionable cruelty. The subject bored him as he knew that the attention would then go to me and my late son. The last time it happened, the woman who asked the question reamed him, and he got up and stood by the door of the restaurant. As always, he blamed it on alcohol, and claimed not to remember it the next day.
    We briefly attempted therapy, and the therapist told me I was married to a narcissist and a bully, and he wouldn’t go back. Wouldn’t stop drinking. I, of course, provoked everything. I tried to reason with him, and it simply can’t be done.
    I sobbed for the month while I packed; he didn’t shed a tear. We were in love to the day I left, but it took him all of six days to have someone I knew in my bed, and has bedded every woman in the zip code since. All while continually emailing to get me back.
    No conscience. No caring. No more.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 21, 2016

      Dear Holly,

      You are so welcome and I am so pleased I could help.

      I am so so sorry for you loss darling lady – my heart goes out to you … aww goodness …

      Oh gosh – yes of course that would take the attention away from him … GOSH!!

      You poor thing – you’ve been through so much …

      You so deserve healing Holly – as much as anyone ..

      Bless you Holly I am so pleased you are out.

      Sending you BIG hugs and healing.

      Mel xo

  • bobandnanc@yahoo.com'
    Nancy
    March 22, 2016

    Mel,
    You’re a lifesaver! Thank you for bringing so much insight and enlightenment!! I want to comment on the fact that the N made me physically ill also. When I was with him I developed psoriasis and eczema. Most of my eyelashes fell out.. (I never had any of these conditions before). When I met him his first ex wife was on disability for fibromyalgia. Being the tough woman I thought I was back then, I figured it was just a ploy on her part to collect disability. By the time I was discarded, I felt like an empty shell. When he left so did all of my physical illnesses. I told his first ex wife about this and she said her problems went away after they broke up too. She now is off disability and leads a productive life. SCARY stuff! Thanks again, Nancy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2016

      Hi Nancy,

      you are so welcome!

      It is so, so true Nancy that when we hang out with sick people we get sick.

      And when we aren’t listening to our emotions and leaving (until we do) the dis-ease can try to get our attention through our physical bodies.

      All signalling “something desperately needs to change.”

      I am so thrilled both of you are getting healthy now ..

      Mel xo

  • dancingshadow18@hotmail.com'
    Hope
    March 22, 2016

    Hello Melanie,

    I have a question about the NARP program which I am seriously considering to try now, after a rough year, in which somehow I was always finding myself coming back to your website in times of another big crisis.
    My question now is, do I have to be a facebook member in order to get the most out of NARP? I have been in your latest webinar and also received the emails and several things that were mentioned there in connection to a private facebook group, esp. the techniques for how to up-level to a new state of “showing up” sounded very interesting to me, is this also included in the NARP program or was that a facebook exclusive? I am asking because, obviously, I am not a facebook member and really don’t plan to become one, but it would be sad if I missed out on more things as part of NARP when there is more facebook-only material.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2016

      Hi Hope,

      Thank you for your question.

      You don’t have to be a Facebook Member … many people are NARP Members and in the NARP Forum only – which is a private non-facebook area on my website.

      The Private Facebook Group people is for people who join the Webinar Groups – which becoming a NARP Member does not rely on.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

  • Ninja.bunny@hotmail.com'
    Nic
    March 22, 2016

    Another great article Mel!

    What strikes me as so familiar is what you say about the love boming, words.

    I remember you said once before that “words are cheap”.

    But it just seems much more then that, while I live and work generally outside the social norm whenever given recognition I feel I don’t know, recognised, unique. Alive. Although my mind cannot detain if their scencere or not it’s like a drug I want more of.

    Surely there’s a chemical reaction inside ones mind when a word is spoken that means something to someone. Words as drugs. It know it’s breaking things down to it’s most simplicity but can you talk more about this?

    Thank you,

    Nic

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2016

      Hi Nic,

      thank you and I am glad you enjoyed it!

      When we feel we crave something from other people it is because we are not as yet self-partnered and granting it to ourselves.

      That is really the only simple truth we need to know – as well as the chemical reaction is actually the RELIEF of … for a moment escaping the pain of NOT being self-partnered and whole within ourselves.

      That is what addictions do – grant the high of temporary relief – without of course ever solving the issue.

      Which of course leaves us back at square one – and an even worse situation – needing MORE and MORE outside approval from False Substitutes (anyone other than ourselves … Other people can only “add” to self-approval – they can never grant it) to self-medicate … to try to get the “high” of the relief from our internal pain.

      (This is how all addiction cycles happen).

      So the only TRUE solution is to find and heal the parts of ourselves disconnected from ourselves so that we can authentically self-partner – then we will not be needy for outside approval and will allow and attract and accept it – and it is likely to be genuine – matching the genuine self-partnering we have established between us and ourselves.

      Make sense?

      Mel xo

  • dpelletier831@gmail.com'
    Sophie
    March 23, 2016

    Hi Mel,
    Thanks so much for all you do — your articles have become a go-to resource for me as I heal from various narcissistic relationships. I look at my past behaviors through a new lens, which has brought up a lot of shame and remorse for all the ways I have self-abandoned. But I have been learning self-forgiveness, which is part and parcel to loving Self. I’m coming Home. 🙂
    I do have two questions. 1) When the same issues continue to arise in my pain body, even after I thought I already allowed it to move through me, does this mean I am doing something wrong? Meaning, am I still blocking my own healing somehow… should it work to heal it entirely, through a certain number of healing/clearing sessions? I have experienced the aha moments, the cleansing and purging of old hurts and old belief systems, so I do believe in the power of that. And I will often feel elated / clear / light for days or weeks afterwards… until the same feeling comes up again, and I get slightly pissed off / resistant because I think I already dealt with it! So “how long does it take” is my first question… which leads to my question 2) Is the end-goal a state where *nothing* hurts / triggers us anymore? For example, I no longer get triggered into responding, arguing, lecturing, defending, when he is nasty and baiting me. That is huge for me! I just let it be, and turn my attention elsewhere. Yet a sticking point is thinking about him with other women. This still hurts so much. Is it possible to ever heal this, or am I meant to “accept” this as painful, and continue to turn my attention elsewhere, e.g., to a man who doesn’t want other women? Are some things just painful, and unable be upleveled? Thank you, thank you!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2016

      Hi Sophie,

      You are very welcome, and I am so pleased my resources are helping you.

      I’m happy to answer your questions …

      1) Our big stuff can present – and this is because as we evolve and raise in consciousness then deeper parts of ourselves unlock density in our bodies to be released.

      This is what evolving and ascending ourselves is all about. So don’t be concerned. Simply trust what comes up, go to it in your body, track it back to origin, load it up and release and replace it … without your mind censoring that process of thinking you are doing something wrong.

      Then you will continue to keep moving through it – all on schedule!

      2) Okay there is NO end goal … truly.

      What there is is a constant state of evolving ourselves and growing and becoming more and more free.

      I’ll help you understand what that looks like … more and more space, freedom and joy in your life. More ability to feel and be joy and creativity and LOVING that ,,,

      And then when a trigger hits that you batten down, roll up your sleeves and do the work and up-level it … because you know each and every time you do that … that you ascend into ANOTHER higher more freer part of yourself.

      Would we want it ANY other way??

      Gosh no!!

      That is the orientation I adore.

      I have a trigger to attend to tonight – something that has come up into my consciousness – and I am so excited about it, getting to it after work, and after a dinner function – because I know the expansion that lies on the other side of every up-level.

      Ignoring triggers does not work ..

      Distracting ourselves from them does not work ..

      Blaming others for them (projecting them) does not work …

      Only healing them at the source of the faulty belief or trauma works!!

      Yes you can heal what hurts – 100% ABSOLUTELY – but you have to be prepared to go to it in your body and fully meet it, embrace it and shift it.

      Then you will evolve beyond that trauma feeling that is always (without exception) an unhealed wound from our past that the narcissist is bringing to out attention.

      I assumed you are working with the NARP Program – but are you?

      Mel xo

      • dpelletier831@gmail.com'
        Sophie
        March 24, 2016

        Thank you Mel, for your reply!

        I think I get what you’re saying. If it feels bad, there’s still a wound to be healed, period. By virtue of me even asking the question, I’m still trying to manage the wound.

        Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between something genuinely rising in my consciousness for healing, or whether I am a masochist for replaying it.

        It’s almost like, I’ve devoted so much time and energy negotiating with abusive situations, that I don’t know how my brain would stay busy without it. My biggest hobbies for years have been: “surviving, analyzing, and trying to feel safe.” Kind of sad, isn’t it? When I could be out rollerskating or something. 🙂

        I’m beginning to have more energy in general, and feeling bored, which I take as a great sign of my healing, that I am more open to Life. I *do* believe it can get even better. Thank you again, it’s such a blessing to be able to connect with others who truly understand what I’m experiencing. (I’m not actually a NARP member, btw)

  • breathe.love.be.gratefuk@gmail.com'
    Nikki Weigel
    March 23, 2016

    Hi Mel my love,

    Great stuff as always. Bringing more clarity to moments in my life. Much thanks as always. The fact that when I read these, I now find myself just breathing through and noticing times such things happened, instead of angry or in tears, shows me just how much I have upleved! Ahhh I am so grateful! Freedom sweet freedom.

    I understand with the kids how Dad doing something any Dad would do, wouldn’t provide NARC supply, so it doesn’t have appeal. That really helped. I think maybe that is why there is such an issue and still such hooks for my youngest two boys.

    When you have special needs kiddos, the Dad is usually less involved. That’s just a statistic from working in that population. So when a father IS involved, he is praised for it. Readily available NARC supply anytime my ex attends a meeting or goes to the school or anything that involves the 30+ people involved with their care.

    So he looks like super Dad and he counter parents instead of co-parents…which makes it hard to make any movement towards goals for the kids. Do you have any experience with this?

    What I have done is kept modified contact and kept all meetings seperate. I’ve made sure when I speak it is centere on the children and if a service provider asks about Dad, I put a boundary there. I have tried to stop all leaks of bi proxy abuse or supply that way.

    What I am wondering is how to get my kids services they need and help in school when the NARC wants to be there because they are such great supplies for him and when he is there, there is counter parenting going on?

    Your help is always welcome!!!

    Xoxoxoxoxoxox Nikki

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2016

      Hi Nikki,

      my love back!

      Thank you and how wonderful you are tasting and feeling Freedom – with a capital “F” .. it is sooo delicious!! (something I wish for everyone.)

      I am so glad this article has helped bring understanding and relief.

      Yes that makes so much sense that when others are present he does seek N-supply …

      Hun, truly there only is ever one solution – shift the painful feelings about it out of your body – that is it!!

      Because you can’t change him, or get people in the system to … you can only change the inner creation (vibration) so that the outer can shift to match it …

      Take all and everything on “that” to Goal Setting Module .. use “The Source Healing and Resolution of that ..” as the goal … and shift Nikki – then solution will appear.

      Move all the “confusion” out of your body – and you will know EXACTLY what to do … and maybe it will be fine the “counter-parenting” because of your energy being so solid and wholesome … and now that he does not get to you his influence simply does not exist …

      Just shift and you will see …

      Lots of love darling …

      Mel xo

      • breathe.love.be.grateful@gmail.com'
        Nikki Weigel
        March 24, 2016

        Mel,

        As always you knew exactly what to say! The goal setting module. I didn’t think of that. Actually I don’t think I know which one that is!! I love that I’m always learning and growing!! Thank you a million. I knew the answer was with me I just wasn’t clear where to find it. You rock! Off to find that module. Xoxoxo

  • susan.wright@ilsi.net'
    Susan Wright
    March 23, 2016

    Mel, you really brought me to attention when you said

    Or they give in to the massive emotional relief when the narcissist, after atrocious behaviour, hoovers and makes signs of caring for them. – See more at: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-doesnt-the-narcissist-care-about-me-part-1/#comments

    He’s hoovering me right now, for sure. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel that flood of emotional “relief”, but even then recognized that that feeling wasn’t healthy – just my psyche still trying to reach homeostasis. Also gaslighting about why he “had” to break up with me. After 22 years of a monogamous relationship. Now I doubt that too.

    But the current hoovering is just for sex. for him. I AM NOT HIS BACKUP PLAN. I will not be his second choice. If only I didn’t have to spend so much of every day with him still (my boss).

    To those who still think they love those N partners…recognize that you’re feeling an attachment that you will have to fight like hell to extricate yourself from. It is not love. You’re working it to fix an emotional wound from childhood. Trauma bonding.

    Grieve them! Even miss them, or what you thought you had with them – but know that they have been living their false selves for so long that there is no true self left in them. They do not care what you feel. It is up to you to protect your inner child from being subjected to the abusive dismissive behavior you receive at their hands.

    I regret my weak momentary relief when he hoovered me. I will grieve again.

  • tanjathomas456@gmail.com'
    tanja
    March 24, 2016

    It funny that once you truly see your ex narc for who she or he really is, you begin to put the pieces together in all of the non answers questions that you have of this person. I also had all the questions in my head about my ex narc that Mel is talking about in all of her topics. But I guess I was working on me long before I realized that it had a name on what kind of relationship that me and him had.
    My ex narc just tried to hover me but it was all about sex after 2 months of no contact. He tried to tell me that he has been waiting for me all this time without sex. Yeah right! Well since he seen that his hovering wasn’t working, he went from 0 to a 100 with his words by text. He not realizing that he is answering all of my questions about him especially not caring about me except for sex and all of the other questions that I had. It funny and sad at the same time to exactly see a person that you once loved and now I don’t want him in my journey of my life anymore. He thinks that I have someone else in my life and so worried that I’m having sex with that person. The person that I have in my life is god and he finally has opened my eyes to see me and I’m thankful for that .I’m hoping that he realize that I don’t want him anymore because I told myself that I was not bringing him in to 2016 with me. He got to get out the way of my blessings. I wish him well but he have to go.

  • lttom@bellsouth.net'
    Tom
    March 24, 2016

    Seven years of the same experiences, some exactly, some similar, most extremely beyond comprehension and all narcissistic. She (the N) was married so I helped her through divorce, move into her own apartment, then moved to a rented house, bought her furniture, clothing, food, travels, gas, everything, only for her to start a fight before every holiday so that she could have a reason to blame me while she spent 90 of the past 92 holidays with her ex-husband. She kept me a secret for years, and I bought into the whole “I don’t want to go down as a whore or liar to my children”, so I stayed my distance (pretty easy because we lived 500 miles apart and her husband traveled a lot). She made me promise I wouldn’t engage in infidelity (which has never been a problem, I am completely monogamous and have always been) while she continued to engage with her husband and others and lied about it all. Once the mask started to fall off and I realized the true motive of her deception, I “inferred” in an email that I would send her ex proof of her shenanigans. I never did send anything but I did meet with the ex and he already knew, only he too was in love with the N and didn’t have the ability to break free. She obtained a restraining order against me and had me arrested for “Ciberstalking” (the charge dropped as well as the RO vacated) to keep her lies secret. After five months of No Contact, I went to a singles event at a bar and got “roofied”. The hurt and pain in myself was so deep that I called her (unknowingly) and spent seven hours on the phone with her. I ended up making up with her and spent the next four years as a bigger secret. Finally broke it off again and after a few months, find that she relocated within a few miles of me and that she took her ex with her (moved him in) because he needed her and couldn’t pay alimony/child support. She tells me she didn’t want me to know where she lived or that she was with her ex, but then changes story to tell me she did it to be closer to me. The ex confirmed he lives in her garage and doesn’t have any sexual relations with her, but who can believe either of them. So I started seeing her again (can never resist the addiction), all as she directs. She continues to hide me and lie to everyone about who she’s with (me). Says she wants to spend the rest of her life earning my trust (has pathologically lied about nearly everything for the entire seven years) and has never taken responsibility for any of her lies, infidelity, actions, etc. It is always my fault. When I catch inconsistencies in her stories, she insists that she never lied and that I am the liar and have the story wrong. I believed her over my own truth to my detriment. I suggested that we “audio record” our conversations so that we both can replay and determine where the breakdown is, only she REFUSES. She’s recorded me many times (without my knowledge) and tried to throw stuff back in my face, but the recordings always proved I did not lie or misstate anything. The WHOPPER came last night….. While crying and telling me that she wanted to live the rest of her life with me and make it up to me and earn my trust again, she comes out and says that she “doesn’t know how to love a batterer!” She went on as I sat there completely flabbergasted while she kindly and softly ripped me to pieces, calling me a batterer, even though I have never laid my hands upon her (except to defend myself when she becomes physically abusive and starts to really hurt me). She continued without any responsibility whatsoever for her years of abuse, infidelity, lies, etc. and insisted that 10 out 10 doctors and friends/family tell her that no matter what she does, no man should yell at her (oh, I’ve yelled). She is devoid of reality, empathy, caring, compassion, honesty, integrity and fidelity. I’ve always given her access to my email, Facebook, phone (unlocked or given her the code) and records, yet she only gave me access one of her two phones that I guess she forgot she used to be in contact with a man she met on an airplane while coming to meet me in Vail, Colorado. That went on for six months. I should also state that she’s called me evil, the devil, a narcissist, liar, and accused me of “stealing a vulnerable woman away from her loving husband”. After I purchased all that furniture, she immediately told me to leave, so I went to get a truck to take the furniture back, to which she screamed, “What am I going to sit on?” Mind you, I merely replaced her old beat up stuff with new and all of her stuff was still in her possession. I lent her $5,000 to make her bills when her ex couldn’t. Once she got repaid, she insisted that it was a gift and stopped talking to me for a month. When I cleaned her house and took care of her kids, she screamed at me and berated me for not cleaning the house, stating “Why didn’t you clean up?” Her house was a pigsty, her kids and herself sloppy and lazy. I Spring cleaned ever room and got slammed for never doing enough. She blames me for everything wrong in her life, blames me for making her have sex with her ex, for fighting with her before every holiday….by the way, I was upset one Easter because she yet again promised to spend some of it with me and left me hanging until the next day (typical) and when I asked why she couldn’t keep her promise, she said, “Well, I just can’t stand to see my ex eat alone on a holiday.” But she can sure see me eat alone on 90 of 92 of them. I would give her my last $500 for Christmas so she could buy her kids gifts. She would use the money for gifts for both kids and the ex! One or two gifts over seven years, did I see. I could go on for hours…. The bottom line is: I bought Melanie’s program about three years ago, started it and then put it aside because I truly believed I could “fix” her and now I can’t find the downloads. I wish I would have completed the program because I’m sure by now I would have healed, or at least been on the road to recovery, a long time ago. Instead I’m dealing with the loss and anger as I write. Thank you for letting a man speak.

  • jnorma420@gmail.com'
    Norma
    March 29, 2016

    First id like to thank you for your expertise on this sad subject i am in a painful situation breakup and trying to pick myself up from this painful relationship and am grateful to god i discovered you. As i was looking for some help im deeply hurting and confused everything seems backwards and in circles its like a maze with these people and the pain that terrible pain just want to move on and be free

  • larrymumme@gmail.com'
    LarryMumme Mumme
    March 30, 2016

    Your article was right on. I have been married for 16 years ,and have gone through it all. My wife just threw away my 15 year old son and myself after 16 years of marriage, and never looked back.I am only 2 weeks into no contact, and this is one the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.

  • andjoe8@aol.com'
    erin
    April 11, 2016

    Dear Melania, You are incredibly spot on discussing how the narcissist reacts to a spouse’s ill health or weakness. Mine, like your second one, was “altruistic” and constantly playing Mr. Wonderful to others. (He is a a therapist (unlicensed) specializing in PTSD, and adored by his clients, who would never believe him capable of the rages I saw.) We were married 27 years; I walked out on him last May when I found out about his cheating, and, out of the fog, began finally see the awful truth.

    He is healthy as a horse and never misses a day at the gym, but in the marriage I began developing health problems, untreated blood pressure for years (something like 160/120), thyroid disorder, bad knees, and in the last few years with him out-of-control panic attacks in which I couldn’t breathe. He minimized all of these, and I’m not a complainer. As son as I left him, I went t0 a doctor and was told I needed double knee replacements. My husband had always said that I was exaggerating the pain. Although I had the panic attacks and severe startle response, he claimed I was “faking” them. Since then, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. He was unable to care or provide me with emotional support, and always went AWOL in any crisis. You’re right; they just don’t have the resources. But the disparity in the way he treated me and the way he treated strangers was always a theme in the marriage. I never understood why he would act so caring and concerned to others, then turn into a monster with me, after all the problems I had handled for him, after all the times I supported him emotionally. His mother was extremely violent to him as a child and also seduced him, making him sleep in her bed till he was 13. He was also raped by an elderly uncle repeatedly. His trauma was the ‘hook’ that kept me accepting his terrible treatment of me–I thought that by loving him I could “fix” him. Now I know better. He had a history of extreme violence, and was physically abusive to me.

    Your work is so helpful to me as I move away from his problems and the whys of the marriage failure into trying to thrive. Thank you.

  • dmgreen367@aol.com'
    Dawn
    April 28, 2016

    There is already so much division between the sexes. Both genders are really under such horrendous societal imposed assault right now, and these psychology labels just bring more division. It’s sad the psychological industry creates division among the people, families, etc. Very myopic views too. Psychology appeals to shallow thinkers. I mean, who on earth doesn’t hold narcissistic traits to some degree? The truth is you got involved with the wrong person, they suck, you cant take the pain- so, either change the routine or just leave and get on with life. There is no “Narcissist” watch list to refer to, to avoid them in the future. Life sucks sometimes- but it doesn’t have to if you don’t let it. I’m trying to be free of a so called “narcissist” right now, who I wanted to love, but does not love me the way I need him to. And, we happen to have very challenging aspects to our astrological charts, and because of that, we cannot understand each other’s needs or wants. I knew what the chart said going into this and I could have avoided this from day one- but I was so attracted to him and thought he would be different than he turned out to be… And it just so happens he fits this label. But, The emotions he brought about in me, made me fit this label at times too. Psychology does not observe the spiritual and reminds me of a snake pit. Sorry, but, in my opinion it just increases bitterness and darkness in the victim of its lies.

  • Onoleah@aol.com'
    Joanne
    September 4, 2016

    I fell in love with the handsomest man I’d ever met on Facebook a year ago.

    Ironically, he is from New Zealand but lives in Oz. He was mesmerizing and made me believe he felt about me the way I felt about him. He told me I was a rare jem and how lucky he was to have found me. That I was beautiful and talented and amazing and smart and funny and all of the good things everyone wants to hear.

    Nine months ago, I started planning a trip all the way from Florida to Australia to see him. He encouraged me every step of the way – encouraged me when I purchased my passport and my visa to Oz. For six months we discussed my trip nearly every day and exchanged hundreds of pics, videos, and we video chatted often.

    I fly the 19 hours to Oz and he picks me up at the train station as we agreed. I spent 4 or 5 wonderful days with him – he took time off of work and cooked me gourmet meals, took me sightseeing…we went horseback riding (for which I paid), and we went to Nimbin. I had placed my camera in my purse in a little pocket I didn’t realize was in there. Unable to find my camera afterward, I asked him if he had placed it in his pocket and if he still had it on him.

    Instantly his demeanor changed and he demanded to know if he should still have it on him. It was like a flash of lightning out of nowhere on a clear day. I was hurt and surprised by his reaction and eventually found my camera.

    Later we were lying in bed and he looked me right in the eyes and told me that he was 100% upfront and honest before I got there that he didn’t want a relationship. This made no sense – I would never have spent $1,400 in airfare if he didn’t want a relationship. Again, I was hurt by this odd statement but things went back to “normal” after that.

    My last night in Oz was very passionate and he took me to the airport the morning I had to come home.

    When I came home, he broke things off with me two weeks later. He said he felt no chemistry with me, but continued to lie to me and continued to sleep with me. When I confronted him about this, he compared sleeping with me to being no different than test driving a car or visiting an open house! I then found out he told a mutual friend that he suspected I went there to con him into getting me pregnant. Since I never fell pregnant, I never saw any need for him to make up lies about me after I’d come home.

    I confronted him and told him he lied to me and about me and that he was a liar and narcissist and coward for doing so. I asked him how he was going to feel when men want to start “test driving” his little girls in a few years. He blocked me on FB and I haven’t spoken to him since.

    I used up all my paid holiday time for the year for this. I pawned three pieces of my gold jewelry to make sure I had enough money whilst in Oz. I made so many sacrifices to see this man and he doesn’t even care. Now all I have left is his footy jersey (he plays AFL in his town) and maxed out credit cards. I’m so shattered still, nearly three months later.

  • andreabirrell38@rogers.com'
    Andrea Birrell
    January 1, 2017

    Wow..these stories are so sadly familiar. I had two N’s in my life. The first, the father of my three children who I divorced 5 years ago. The second a partner who I was with for three years whom I just ended the relationship. A year and a half ago my daughter became severely ill with sepsis, stemming from a sinus infection that spread to her blood steam, skull bones and into her brain. The doctors say she is a miracle to have pulled through. When she was in the emergency being hooked up to machines and IV her father left to business with customers. As soon as he left her vitals crashed, her lips and feet and hands turned blue and I was ushered out of the room. Never have I ever felt such despair, pain and hopelessness. Thank God she pulled through with a long hospital stay and amazing intuitive doctors. My partner N2 only visited once and never even called or texted to see how she was.. This article is so helpful because I was left so beyond devestated and confused at their behavior. My daughter endured surgeries to drain the infection and left the hospital on an IV pic line with antibiotics that stayed in for months afterward with nurses coming in every day. During this time her father N1 made her go back to the hospital to find all the movies he had left there. When she couldn’t he tried to make her pay for them…It was like a bad nightmare. This article has expained so much. I have struggled with what happened for a long time. Thank you for shedding light!! Love and thanks! Andrea. ❤ 💚 💙

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