Melanie Tonia Evans

The Best Way To Set Yourself Free From A Narcissistic Relationship

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 5
85
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

One of the hardest things to do in our life is to forgive the unforgivable. How can we achieve it? Why do we even need to achieve it?

The reason I’m sharing this video with you, today, is because I too have known the torturous state of not being able to get over the past.

The pain of the past can be crippling. And even though we may have left a situation and / or person behind, and moved on physically, we can still be stuck in the emotional damage.

It feels so painfully real, it’s as if the events and violations are still continuing.

I believe there is only one way out … Forgiveness.

But … maybe we feel like we can’t until justice is done … until there is some level of accountability or apology, or until karma has had its way with this person.

You could be saying, “Why should I forgive”? “Why the hell should I forgive someone else’s atrocious terrible behaviour to myself and the people I love?”

I understand TOTALLY how and why you may not want to forgive, and because of that, I want to make a deal with you.

After watching this episode you don’t have to forgive if you don’t want to, that is your choice. And please know during this episode you may feel challenged, angry and triggered, and … it is my deepest wish … by the end, relieved.

As well as know clearly a way out of the pain.

Soooo … all I ask you is that you watch this in its entirety BEFORE making your mind up about “forgiveness”.

Because, by doing so you will discover Quantum Truths about forgiveness that you may have never realised before, such as how it is NOT about condoning abuse or letting an abuser off the hook, and is, in fact, the exact opposite.

And by watching this video you will find out, point blank, exactly WHY.

It’s my heartfelt desire in this video, with forgiveness as the key, to help you raise out of your victimhood into your freedom and empowerment.

I remember feeling like there was no way I would forgive the ex-narcissist in my life. Initially, I wanted to see him rot in a jail cell, or see his life fall apart as some sort of compensation for what he had done to me.

However, when I understood the true power of forgiveness and started applying it, every day my life became less about him and more about who I was becoming and what was possible and magical for me.

So after watching this video, I’d love you to tell me how you now feel about forgiveness in the comments, I do my best to respond to all of them.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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85 Thoughts on The Best Way To Set Yourself Free From A Narcissistic Relationship
  • bedujama@yahoo.co.uk'
    Robert
    October 6, 2017

    Thank you, Mel, for another helpful and thought-provoking video. It has come at a good time for me as I am still finding it difficult to move passed the guilt and trauma of leaving my uBPD/NPD wife. I understand the gift that was given to me by this person to address my childhood wounds and behaviours and grow into a more evolved whole state. Removing myself from this toxic relationship and enforcing my boundaries was upsetting and tough but I knew it was the right thing to do. I remember the very clear realization that I did not need to put up with the projections and manipulations and the instinct to protect myself kicked in. I recognized in this moment that I had self-abandoned much of what I believed in and enjoyed and that I needed to reconnect with myself, reboot almost. In doing so, by going no contact and by removing myself from the drama and chaos, I realized the idealization and codependency which I had placed on her was wrong and had allowed for a very unhealthy pattern of behaviours between the two of us. I definitely feel that I fall into the category of learning it rather than being it and have found forgiveness on the first two levels you mention. What I am struggling with is how to release the trauma and how to fully forgive myself – the feeling at times seems hooked into me and I can feel the self doubt and depression knocking at the door. Understanding things logically is not enough which I guess is where the deeper, quantum level training comes in. So how do I release the trauma? I like the idea of us all being connected and achieving compassionate forgiveness. Thanks again for your supportive, guiding voice – a true blessing. PS Your hair looks great! Robert

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Robert,

      it’s my pleasure and I am glad you enjoyed it!

      That is wonderful that you have so much self-awareness around this.

      Robert releasing the trauma in this Community is done with Quanta Freedom Healing https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing-explained.htm and I demonstrate and take you through it in my free workshop http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      That is my strongest suggestion for you.

      And thank you for your lovely compliment 🙂

      Mel xo

      • kaye_kraft@yahoo.com'
        kaye
        October 8, 2017

        My name is Kaye and I was in a narcissistic relationship that brought to me a point in my life where I was totally frozen. I did have the power to leave at one point but it took all I had to do so. I would be driving and just freeze if I saw similar vehicle and thought he was nearby. I went thru counseling and still do and take meds because I do need them to help function and cope. I have forgiven him and feel that is a disorder which I know cannot be cured and that I was changes as a result of being with this person. I still do have the ptsd signs and symptoms and I can tell when they are coming on and some times I can work through them and other times I need something to help with the anxiety. The concept of the forgiveness to me is 2 fold them as well as ourselves and coming to realization that we are different people. In many ways positive and many ways in different views. I would have never in my life thought someone could treat and control me as did and that I did let part of it happen and some days it is hard to get past that. I do however each day rise and try to set the goals to be realistic and to be the best I can depending on the day. The eyes I see through now are differ than they used to be but I hope some day they will be the eyes I saw through before.

  • maggieorourke10@gmail.com'
    maggie
    October 6, 2017

    I know what i need to do now in order to move forward. Thank you , i kept thinking that by forgiving him i was saying it was ok for him to treat me that way, but its true i had to go through all that in order to change my life. Thats the past and i need to leave it there. I feel so much better already, im grateful for the chance to leave all my trauma and be free. Just hearing you saying it made perfect sense.x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Maggie,

      I am so pleased this helped 🙂

      How lovely this has resonated with you and you feel the freedom possible already!

      Mel xo

  • hawk00073@hotmail.com'
    Pam
    October 6, 2017

    In a lot of ways I have forgiven my ex for his treatment and for all the hurt and pain he caused, and I’ve worked hard to just let go, and much of the time now I only pray that whatever happens with him in the next life, he won’t be horribly punished. I worry at times that he might end up in some sort of hellish place and that causes me no end of grief. And I worry about his immortal soul, what will happen to him?
    But to be totally honest, I still find myself holding onto so much anger at him. I’m still having to do a lot of work in that area. It’s easy to tell yourself you forgive them, but I catch myself going back and forth with it. I still don’t wish evil things to happen to him, I don’t want nor expect retribution I don’t think, but I still have such angry thoughts at times. I call him an asshole in my mind, and I still wish I could just shake him until he changes his ways and sees the light. You said forgiveness and letting go are one and the same and that makes sense to me in a way, but if I forgive and I let go, why does it keep coming back to haunt me all over again? I have the same sort of problem with trusting God. I can hand things over to Him, but the next thing I know I am carrying them all again, and sometimes the load gets mighty heavy. I suppose it all boils down to trust. Not only trusting in a higher power, but trusting myself as well. This healing certainly can be confusing when you have lived the way I have for so many years. You can teach an old dog new tricks but we are a lot more set in our ways and it takes us longer I think. 🙂 Anyway, Thank You Melanie for all you are doing and thanks for letting me babble on. 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Pam,

      truly … my heart goes out to you. After the abuse, the confusion and feeling one way and then another and then another – whilst wanting to be at peace can be excruciating. Most of us, if not all of us, went through this to varying degrees.

      Please, please know that concern about his soul is also another trauma to let go of.

      When we release all trauma inside us (and not before), we reach a deep inner knowing that hell is a state not a place and that we are all going back home to love / God / Oneness / Creation – not “if” but “when” …

      Pam when our mind is still caught up in it and we feel that battle to just “be” absolutely there is still trauma inside us hurting us.

      I’d love you to come into my free webinar and experience the deeper truths – as well as a body shift – to start getting relief from this, where your mind can start anchoring into “calm” and “knowing”. Once we start shifting trauma out this automatically starts taking place.

      I promise you this Pam – over thinking and struggling with it is not solved by finding “yet another way” to think about it. It is solved by releasing the trauma out of our Inner Being that is driving the fears, pain and confusions.

      I’d love to show you how to heal from that – http://www.melanaietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      With all my heart I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  • still.smiling.here@gmail.com'
    Shanni
    October 6, 2017

    Thanks, Melanie! Wow, what a process this healing is. I remember when I first came upon one of your articles a little over a year ago–after months of researching abuse and trying to figure out what in the world was wrong with my relationship! Initially, I was taken aback by what you said about me as a survivor having ANYTHING to do with the abusive situation that I found myself in. However, I kept reading, and I kept following.

    And now, I am AMAZED to see how far I have come, because I know that what you said in this video is true!! And the timing is right for me to feel and know this truth! Even after finding your blog, for months I still spent time researching narcissism and learning WHAT had happened to me, but the light of truth within me burned brighter and brighter teaching me what I needed to do to HEAL for real–and it ALL has to do with really and truly HEALING OURSELVES…and forgiveness is ESSENTIAL to this!

    Letting go of the attachment to trying to have someone else create our world saves us. And truly, what a blessing to have had this experience. For most of my life I knew that there was something missing in me–a hole that I couldn’t ever seem to fix. I tried so many ways to change this–all kinds of self-help remedies and counseling–but it wasn’t until I lost EVERYTHING–health, job, friends, family, and ended up in the arms of a narcissist that I have known where to go–home to myself and God! It is still a process, but IT IS WORKING!! God bless you for your efforts to save others by teaching them what saved you!

    Yes, we may still encounter others who are abusers, and who would harm us if they could, but IT WON’T MATTER ANYMORE, because we will let them go–detach ourselves and only identify with and spend our energy with those who can meet us WHERE WE NOW ARE. How wonderful is that??!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Shanni,

      you are so welcome.

      That is wonderful that you have come so far!

      I love and agree with everything that you are saying – the transformational process was exactly the same for me – as it has been for so many of us Thrivers.

      Thank you for articulating it so clearly here!

      It IS wonderful Dear Lady – absolutely.

      Thrive on sweetheart!

      Mel xo

    • chiara.barresi@gmail.com'
      K
      October 7, 2017

      “but it wasn’t until I lost EVERYTHING–health, job, friends, family, and ended up in the arms of a narcissist that I have known where to go–home to myself and God! It is still a process, but IT IS WORKING!! God bless you for your efforts to save others by teaching them what saved you!” … THANK

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        October 8, 2017

        Hi K,

        I am so pleased you have turned inwards to you.

        Wishing you incredible healing and blessings.

        You are so welcome 🙂

        Mel xo

  • will.cordingley@gmail.com'
    Will
    October 6, 2017

    Another great video Mel. Thanks 🙂 It’s Very hard to genuinely put in practice what you say. But you make great sense of it all. Funny thing is, as an empathic type person one of the hardest truths to realize was that I have my own ego to deal with.

    Always look forward to what you have to say

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Will,

      thank you and I am so pleased you liked it 🙂

      The truth is, Will, this is not something we put into practice. Because all the “doing” in the world doesn’t change inner trauma programs.

      It is something we “become” as a result of transforming our Inner Being.

      Mel xo

      • arshadsq@gmail.com'
        ARSHAD SAEED QURESHI
        October 11, 2017

        Melanie: I am badly in trap with a woman narcissistic relationship. Honestly, I want to leave her but as a typical she hoovers.
        She tells lie, whereas I know some realities. Although she was having some old relationships but may be less now. But she has,
        try to hide from me. I also give some money on monthly basis. M fed up from lies, only lies, only lies. Please help. Do not
        show my name. Write ‘Qureshi AS’. Moreover I am unable to view your complete healing videos. Guide me. Regards QURESHI AS.

  • webdoar@gmail.com'
    Y
    October 6, 2017

    BS”D
    Precious Melanie God bless you!
    Forgiving such people is recognition that they themselves are pitifully miserable within their own skins. When we realize that are “emotional cripples” & could not truly help themselves at the time helps us not feel so much as purposely injured victims, so the injury hurts us less.
    Also we are taught that God only forgives us if we forgive others – so doing so is a win-win deal.
    A thousand blessings for you
    Y

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Y,

      thank you for your post and I totally agree at the Quantum Level that we are “One”.

      Many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  • melanietoniaevanscom.20.chaecker@xoxy.net'
    Claudius
    October 6, 2017

    A friend of mine tries hard to forgive. She even feels terribly guilty for not being able to forgive. Susan Forward tells her readers: “In fact, it is not necessary to forgive your parents in order to feel better about yourself and to change your life!”. Mel, I understand that you cannot bring justice for each one in your audience. But please don’t push them into helplessness and blaming themselves by demanding them to forgive.

    • chantillieslace@yahoo.com'
      Ann
      October 6, 2017

      We forgive if and when we’re ready and can choose not to. Forgiving them does not give them absolution, but we let go of being the one to hold them accountable. Forgiving empowers us as we release them. We forgive — we release them — we become free of them and our participation in agreeing to be held in captivity.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Claudius,

      that is certainly not my intention at all.

      I am simply sharing what worked for me, and many others in this Community.

      Everyone absolutely has free will.

      Mel xo

  • sueperreca@gmail.com'
    Sue Perreca
    October 6, 2017

    Melanie,

    As I was driving to my holiday destination, I was completely filled with hate toward my narc. The lovely shrubs on the side of the highway were mowed down and and all I could see was a decimated landscape–and I thought what an appropriate symbol of my insides. So within, so without.

    I came to me–I had to let go. I must forgive. There was no other choice. I had done the modules for the past year on and off and this holiday was to my spiritual home of Madonna House in Combermere ON. If there was one place on the face of the earth that the forgiveness could happen, it would be there.

    I don’t remember when it happened. Was it when I went to the statue of Our Lady? Was is during dishes? Was it when I went swimming in the beautiful Madawaska River that is like a river of holy water? But I knew I must forgive.

    My drive back was like floating home. I stopped in a small hotel that was both inexpensive and lovely. I had a surprisingly good meal at the local diner. I arrived back to the home I share with my narc father. He had not changed.

    There was a momentarily lapse into the old fear and pain when I saw signs of the behavior that had sent me reeling the week before. And I prayed ‘God save me from this anger. Please help me to forgive’ but the truth was I had forgiven; this was just more unravelling.

    Yesterday at work, I ended up watching the movie version of The Shack. At the end, the main character is told that the only way out of pain is to forgive. I knew this was the universe confirming this for me. Today I opened my email and there you were talking about forgiveness. Another confirmation.

    I realized it would probably be good to do a module tonight….so off I go. Thanks again!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Sue,

      wow those synchronicities are amazing!

      How beautiful that it is time for your soul to go free, and it’s doing so.

      Sending you many blessings and incredible healing.

      You’ve got this!

      Mel xo

  • clarkch5@hotmail.com'
    Resilient
    October 6, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    This video is such a home run! A few thoughts/questions came to mind:

    1. When we get to the level of feeling “grateful” for the abuser, we’re not talking about that warm n’ fuzzy feeling of gratefulness, right? I believ I have truly healed and forgiven. I’m grateful for how much better my life is as a result of the abuse being a catalyst for the life I’m now experiencing. But I don’t have that warm/fuzzy feeling toward the abuser, not do I wish any harm upon him. I am grateful for the catalyst. In your opinion, have I truly forgiven?

    2. You say that when we don’t forgive, we carry this toxic energy and as a result continue to attract abusive or “unfortunate” situations until we heal. And, when we take on the toxicity of unforgiveness, we are somehow preventing the abuser from experiencing their own karma of “unfortunate” events. How is this so under the rules of quantum law? The abuser, by definition, is unhealed, and the “abused” is also unhealed, so why aren’t both experiencing the karma of their unhealed trauma at the same time? I don’t understand the hot potato analogy, as it seems both would be stuck with a hot potato? Thank you for clarifying.

    3. I did a one on one healing with you about a month ago on the fear of public speaking. I promised I’d let you know how things unfolded afterwards. While I haven’t done a presentation, I can say I’m much more at ease in general conversations with people. I feel more relieved and relaxed in conversations. Also interesting is that the day after the healing, I was informed that a promotion I was promised later in the year would begin that following week. This was great news to me and can’t help but to wonder how my shifts with you the night before may have played a role in the promotion coming sooner.

    Thank you for being one of my earth angels!
    Much love to you Melanie ?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Resilient,

      For question 1 for you, what I believe is if something is a concept rather than an embodied truth – then we don’t feel it in our body.

      For me (and I can only speak for me) I certainly do feel it as warm and soft and full within me – that gratitude. It is certainly a just “isness” and I believe when it just IS – we don’t even think about questioning it – because it just IS.

      However, it is so important to not try to create “another condition on ourselves to be okay.” To get to that true and real gratitude takes time, it unfolds as we release trauma. It becomes organic, more or less on its own as we lose more of our defences and blocks and become more of our True Selves.

      When I became “forgiveness” it wasn’t because I was trying to forgive specifically. It was because I was trying to release all toxicity I had inside me about abuse, get to the bottom of why it had happened to me and release me totally from myself (my own broken unhealed parts). That then created incredible release and gratitude for abusers bringing to me the evidence of these unhealed parts so that I could finally free myself from them.

      But this is the important part – these people were “only” catalysts. The individual abuser wasn’t that “significant” because if it hadn’t been “him” it would have needed to be another. Really the gratitude was for Life and my soul lining it up so ingeniously -and to the soul of that person being engaged in the play.

      For question 2) The “hot potato” is the trauma / the charge. Hurt people hurt people. They lash out and “empty it out”, and if we internalise it – then we “become it”. Yes absolutely there is still karma etc … for both still, but in relation to the event we have now taken it on for them. N’s keep lashing out and displacing and its when people refuse to take the trauma / fear for them that is when they start meeting their maker.

      I am so happy for you in relation to Number 3 – that is wonderful! Thank you for letting me know! That is lovely your communication is flowing so much better, and congratulations on your promotion.

      I hope my answers have helped Resilient, and please know you are always welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

      • clarkch5@hotmail.com'
        Resilient
        October 7, 2017

        Thanks Melanie. Your response is very insightful. I like how you explain that the goal was to release trauma and forgiveness was a byproduct of this. If forgiveness is the goal (rather than releasing trauma), then I am setting myself up to meet another condition to be OK. Got it! Thank you.

  • Emilyness1734@gmail.com'
    Emily
    October 6, 2017

    This came at the perfect time, I am in the process of forgiving two abusers from my past and it feels so good.

    Thanks Mel.

  • a67nelson@gmail.com'
    Annelise
    October 6, 2017

    I’ve just joined and have been listening to your YouTube videos for some months now. I’m 9 yrs divorced and am finding I’m re traumatized every time my 15 yo son opens his mouth. The sarcasm, the bullying and fierce independence… I’ve been the major bread winner and have put my son through private school since 2nd grade. He’s now a 9th grader. His frustration and sarcasm (huge) I’ve read -is an avenue for an inability to express his feelings. I’m trying to work with him, one thing at a time and I find I hear his father verbatim, in the mix, even the way he laughs, it’s emotionally crippling. I find I’m unable to dismiss what he’s throwing at me. To simply hold him accountable for deplorable manners, ignoring his schoolwork, refusing to do chores and writing me off means we are in a constant state of uproar. He goes to dad’s and there is peace, cause there’s no monitoring of anything. I get the emails from school cause dad does nothing. I’ve looked into a teenager contract that could make some some logical sense out of some of the normal expectations parents have for their kids, chores…etc… taking things away from this kid only puts me in a darker light and he simply doesn’t care. We share parenting time so our “downtime ” is even more restricted. I feel like We need an intervention from life and spend 2 weeks together on an island with Depok Chopra…not a bad idea… any thoughts? I’m exhausted and just want to enjoy my kiddo cause he’ll be gone in just s few short years…I’m trying to heal myself first as you’ve spoken, but there’s many moving parts and there’s always another day at school tomorrow…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Annelise,

      my heart goes out to you – this must be so difficult. There is nothing I believe more challenging and heartbreaking than struggling with our children.

      Please know I do not profess in any way to be a child behavioral expert.

      And I am sure the research you are doing could really help and offer some great insight.

      I know for me, my son was incredibly difficult, uncooperative, abusive and drug/alcohol addicted. It led to ultimate boundaries, having him removed from my home (the hardest thing I have ever had to do) and inner healing work that I did on him and me, and then so much changed.

      Have you watched the healing by proxy sessions with Devon? I and the MTE team have put so many people onto them with incredible results with their children.

      Wishing you and your son incredible healing and sending big hugs.

      Mel xo

  • r.frangiosa@hotmail.com'
    Possum
    October 6, 2017

    Nice hair Mel – the colour is very complimentary…

    I have struggled with the forgiveness component of my recovery, as I needed to shift my anger and sadness in order to realise that these repeated narcissistic experiences are happening for me for a very important reason – lifetime healing and evolution for myself and the girls. And that has happened – thank God.

    I will work on the forgiveness shifting, and myself, as I find certain triggers sometimes occur in every day life. These are deeper than the N experience, and are directly related to my family of origin and trauma. However, ‘So within’, ‘so without’ is so incredibly evident in my life, that there is absolutely no denying this truth. Spiritually, there are supernatural, inexplicable events happening for me which I have never experienced before. And regularly.

    And, recently I have met a beautiful man, who’s soul is matched to mine. He is the polar opposite of what I have always been drawn to. Like a different species of man which I have never encountered! I feel so psychically and spiritually aligned and connected with this person, it is uncanny. Now, I feel like I am a N repellant, and I literally have a forcefield around me which does not allow any narcissists into my realm. I feel it, and I see it every day.

    Thank you for your timing with this …

    xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Possum,

      thank you for your lovely compliment.

      Awwww I love what you have written here.

      Such well earned shifts Possum, you have done so well!

      Mel xo

  • wendyswanberg@gmail.com'
    Helen
    October 6, 2017

    Thank you for this, so much!!

    I’ve been hanging onto something with my narcissist partner: a need to hold him accountable for dishonesty, betrayal of trust, etc.
    It seems so very wrong to let him get away without owning up to his behavior and apologizing for my pain. . .
    THere’s an impulse of honor inside me that doesn’t want to let him off the hook — as if doing so would lead to some eternal imbalance.
    I want to know the truth, to feel that satisfaction of self-honesty and vindication!

    But after watching this video, I must face the possibility that my insistence on accountability, confession, disclosure, whatever —
    maybe it’s really my own impulse to take revenge for an injury.

    And maybe that’s exactly the kind of sentiment that keeps us trapped.
    ===
    You point the way to another path of freedom and clarity,
    thank you again!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Helen,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased that this has helped bring you clarity and a greater inner release.

      Me xo

  • rboroda@student.unimelb.edu.au'
    Joy
    October 6, 2017

    Hi Melanie

    I was writing to you in the YouTube comments under the video there that my problem with forgiveness is that I am suffering from homelessness and isolation and, due to the fact my husband is a clergy member and I am his only target, I cannot even show up around the religious community and I am discovering that the community really is, itself, so limited in terms of normal human understandings, let alone able to hold itself up to a measure of decency, honour, love and discretion that would enable its leaders to see me, educate themselves on what can be done to keep up my husband’s appearances, cobble together a viable narrative for my appearance or aid in keeping me hidden and protected and see about some long-term interventions that could address my husband, now a narcissist but the victim of horrific childhood trauma. As it is, I am in hiding, even during the most sacred holy days in our faith. I tried to reach out but I seem too capable, too strong and together to be a victim and they are deep in denial, fobbing me off on pathetic, dysfunctional organizations. I am completely stuck because I am a known figure, keeping the covert narcissist under wraps is essential to my teenage girls safety and I am still going through, managing to parent them from the sidelines and fearing my husband’s pre-emptive attacks, on guard with his hoovering attempts and dealing with extreme isolation and with grief over the man I loved having been an illusion of my own making. I am still at a stage of panic each time I see him. He still is pulling off financial abuse and all the instability I am suffering is due to my having to spare myself and my children the very real but unapparent threat of family violence that I have to fight the perception I give off of being so strong and normal but I am deep in on-going trauma and grief stricken and resentful having to advocate for myself when that was what I always do for others but have always put myself last and harbor the expectation that victims should not have to constantly need to be broken, to be stripped of all dignity to get service. I finally got an ‘undertaking’ not an IVO but I am so worried about the family law stage of this crisis.

    So, one thing I can say is that I talk to myself in the mirror each day, forgive myself for having not seen how the isolation would be complete, how all this was repitition compulsion and therefore, I have to be careful to calabrate how I respond, rather than react in my children’s lives, I cease thinking I could ever resolve my husband’s lack of childhood attachment through my love and see that my unmet expectation for compassion or acceptance from him was a disguise and I was giving myself these things in as much abundance as I could through all those years by tremendous and growing connections to source which guide me now as always because of my unbreakable and eternal supernal root to the Divine through my maternal line.

    My Mom acted as a codependent because her brother had been a psychopath but both her parents were very moral, creative, critical and reflexive thinkers, whole hearted and thoroughly generative and solution oriented people.

    I was not suffering all those years, I was getting self-love channeled through my own projection onto him. All this was I was complicit in perpetuating. I managed him like I managers my narcissistic father. This was not a mutual, real, loving relationship O had sold myself short of but it was a life I thought I lived that was the vibrational match to my childhood. I manipulated it actively and passively into a stasis that mimicked happiness.

    When he started to see my unmasking him was imminent, he masterfully manipulated me to become highly reactive during a time he could exploit my panic as the worst impacts of my disability played out and he told my children I was mentally ill and he needed to help me. Twice this past winter, he called the ambulance, intending for me to be hospitalized. The CATT Team could not “convince” him the first time he had me involuntarily assessed I was fine. He wanted to coerce me back into our physical relationship and threatened to leave me unless I resumed relations. Arguments were loud but our children continued to rally around him and told me I needed to let Dad ‘help’ me. Children I bore and raised blocked the exits when I tried to flee, unplugged the phone when I tried to call the local police!

    This is very hard to forgive because my children (including three adult children) realize I am fine, relied on me for everything before I left the family home and don’t seem to worry about my existence, just are angry that I am not there to give them stability.
    I acknowledge and am also very grateful to the amazing years, the highs amidst the lows, five generally normal but now highly polarized children that I adore, all the deep and abiding love and my ability to express much of who I am in the limited framework of the stable, dysfunctional Relationship, it was my unresolved emotionally incestuous, hurried-child relationship with my father (who needed me to validate and scold him as his mother replacement) and my codependency issues that must be addressed. All this begs the question of forgiveness because I don’t see my husband as a free-will actor in this equation but a golem, partially or largely of my creation. I still will not be emotionally free to go through all your very fascinating and well expressed levels of forgiveness. No matter how I see the great value in the process you describe and I will take notes and listen again, I need lots of outside guidance and much more distance and perspective to process through these from my chronology and geography. Thought provoking as ever. I am so grateful to have your videos and your hair looks marvelous!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Joy,

      I am so sorry you are going through such a painful time.

      I really do believe in a divine order in things – and that when Life and our Soul (and God for that matter) want a different path for us then we are evicted from the one we have been on. Doors close, the life we thought we had is ripped away, and the hanging on and trying to make these doors and life reopen means we get torn apart even more.

      In relation to your Church Group, this could be the case.

      In relation to the family violence Joy, you and your girls have rights. As I read in your YouTube comments you are seeing people and groups for help, yet so often what happens is we don’t get the support until we have shifted enough of the trauma inside.

      That was my experience also – everywhere I turned doors closed. Until I had worked the NARP work enough inside my being and then when I started to feel free of trauma everything and everyone as “support” started falling into place.

      Joy I have had so many people over the years want me to tell them “what to do” but no matter of practical advice (i find) ever helps like the inner shifting work.

      So within – so without.

      Joy, oh gosh so many of us when we were with wounded people trying to get our own wounds to be taken care of (I did it twice) paid a price … it is the nature of Quantum Law – so within so without.

      And when we are not tending to our own wounds and trying to have someone else assigned to grant us love, approval, survival or security – it doesn’t end well – we go through an incredible dark night of the soul to fully meet our wounds and then come up and out the other side being the self-healer of them.

      You have powerful and incredible self-honesty about what went down with you.

      I so hope you find the support and help you need, and thank you for your lovely compliment.

      Mel xo

  • dzanuma@outlook.com'
    simpliciity
    October 6, 2017

    🙂 I noticed your hair right a way. Looking great. The new hair color and hair style bring even more of your gorgeousness out, as well as the colors and the pattern on your clothes. I loved it so much that not expressing this and not commenting about it just didn’t feel right 😀 Love Mel <3

    P.S. I am having an interesting reaction. As if feeling some guilt and/or shame for commenting solely on your looks.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Mel,

      awww I am blushing!

      There is so much freedom in shifting beyond what anyone else thinks!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • lightworker27@hotmail.com'
    Matthew
    October 6, 2017

    Hello Melanie. I do know you and have meet you before. And i don’t know how to articulate this but I’ll do my best.   I need help in recovering from a narcissist.  Short story my relationship recently ened with my ex for a second time a week ago.  And i also have a two month old with her.  Now i don’t know how far on the narcissistic scale she is or if she just has narcissistic tendencies.  But i’d like to do some one on one work with you even if it’s a couple of conversations with you as i don’t have much money.  Looking forward to hearing from you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Matthew,

      Please contact my team at support@melanietoniaevans.com and either Clarie or Harry will let you know your options in regard to connecting with healing and help.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • lightworker27@hotmail.com'
        Matthew
        October 7, 2017

        Hello Melanie.  Thanks for directing me to the correcting direction to contact you.  I don’t know if you remember me, but my mum youst work for you managing your website.  I look forward to meeting you again.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 7, 2017

          Hi Matthew,

          yes I do remember you.

          Send love to your Mum for me!

          Mel xo

          • lightworker27@hotmail.com'
            Matthew
            October 7, 2017

            Hello again Melanie. What do you do when a the
            narcissist accuses and portrays you of being the narcissist?

  • lxtn@yahoo.com.au'
    Lianne Christian
    October 6, 2017

    Hi Mel, what a great video, as always, and I was nodding my head constantly throughout. I have done modulling work around forgiveness of the N and of myself and now I am absolutely astonished at how much I have changed in only a few weeks. I will never condone what he did and he is not off the hook for it, but I have let it go and his karma can now return to him where it belongs. To let that go was a huge relief.

    Only five weeks ago I was still so angry, bogged down by the toxicity of it and so tormented by the experience, and couldn’t even imagine feeling the way I do now. It was truly horrible and I never want to feel that way again.

    I’m not entirely healed yet, I know I still have so much more work to do on myself, but the forgiveness stage was so huge for me. Your eBook resonated with me so strongly and working in the module when I could see myself glowing with the Light of Universal Love I imagined him standing before me and put my hands out and said “I forgive you for it all” and enveloped him in that Light as well.

    Since then I have felt more at peace with it all than I ever could have imagined. After reading one of your wonderful articles yesterday, about the Soul Contract, I realized that only since I have come this far in this self work can I honestly agree that there is Nothing To Forgive. I AM grateful because I could never have found the inner completeness I am starting to feel now without that experience. I can feel myself shifting and evolving and growing into my True Self and I’m more grateful than I can say, not least of which is gratitude to you for providing the knowledge and the tools to do this. I wish everyone would do this work, I can see the need for it worldwide.

    I would like to say to everyone out there who is suffering from this experience please do listen to this, take it in and absorb it, do the work on yourself and BE FREE of it. It’s the best gift you could ever give to yourself. <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2017

      Hi Lianne,

      Thank you and I am so pleased you enjoyed it.

      I am so happy for you that you have had such a shift already. You are so right Lianne, it is like eating daily poison – it’s horrible.

      I love reading your words Lianne, they are ones of embodied truths and wisdom, you have anchored them in.

      Bless you and keep being the force of Light you are claiming as your True Self.

      Mel xo

  • pippalatreez@gmail.com'
    Filipa
    October 7, 2017

    So, I have become a member of your programme and it’s helped me a lot with the first video and some of those on youtube but this was on the second e-mail I recieved, I understand there will be a total of 16. This video is directed to people who have already freed themselves from the relahionship, for me that is too soon because I’m finding the strenghth to leave mine, will the next e-mails be also centered on post-break ups? Is this programme the right one for me? I want to WANT to leave… I need strenghth and don’t know where to find it…

    Please answer if you can, thank you x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2017

      Hi Filipa,

      please do know that the healing resources are also for people who are still in the relationship. Many people on the 16 Day Course and in the NARP Program were initially still connected.

      My strongest suggestion right now for you is to join me in my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar because this will help link you to the best of the best resources that you need right now – to directly address the inner traumas that are making it hard for you to leave and to take your power back.

      I hope this helps Filipa.

      Mel xo

  • bhramirez702@gmail.com'
    Bea
    October 7, 2017

    Thank you for this article Melanie. I have found it difficult to forgive others and for the longest time couldn’t understand the block. I finally realized that I couldn’t forgive others because I was very angry with myself. I was angry with myself for the choices I made throughout my entire life (always involved with Nacs, staying with them too long, not getting out sooner, wasting my time, etc.). I now tell myself that I did the very best I could at time given the lack of tools, knowledge and support I had then. I realize that this lack of understanding is probably true of others as well (whether they inflict pain or are on the receiving end of it). With that I am now better able to forgive myself and forgive others as well.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2017

      Hi Bea,

      it’s my pleasure.

      That is so true Bea, that the person we do need to forgive the most is usually ourselves.

      And … so, so, true Bea everyone – without exception – is doing what they are doing in accordance with the resources they have.

      Thank you for your very wise comment.

      Mel xo

    • CherylKeenan@comcast.net'
      Cheryl
      October 7, 2017

      Bea, I really connected to what you said about knowing now that you “did the best you could at the time given the lacks of tools and knowledge and support I had then.” For so long now I have beat myself up and hated myself for making bad decisions and staying in toxic relationships for too long, I relate to that. We both know better now, make better decisions now because of those life lessons, it feels soooo good to finally give yourself the permission to not only forgive yourself, but others, thank you for wording your post that way, I hadn’t thought about it in quite that way before. It’s so powerful to be able to forgive yourself and love yourself unconditionally. I wish you continued healing and peace, I love this thriver community!

      Cheryl.

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    October 7, 2017

    Loved this, Mel. Loved the simplicity of the message and the 5 stages….I felt myself saying uh hum, yes and agreeing throughout. It felt so true.
    It gives hope of getting to the stage where I have nothing to forgive with my family and partners and even my son who can very rude and demanding at times when I have allowed myself to go back in to trauma rather than a healing space. I can logically feel compassion and forgiveness for all when I rationalise in my mind as I believe as you say we are all in it together. but at times it still isn’t fully, freely flowing so to allow me to let go unconditionally.
    Thanks, Sophie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2017

      Hi Sophie,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you.

      That is wonderful that you are feeling that hope.

      Mel xo

  • melissasims@comcast.net'
    Melissa
    October 7, 2017

    Melanie. I find myself listening to your videos and reading your articles almost daily now. I was mentally, physically and sexually abused as a child. Later on I was put into the foster care system when I was a young teenager. I was taken from one bad situation and put into another bad situation. I married an alcoholic just like my father. I ended up being a single parent to two children. I then found myself in a dead end relationship with a married man for 6 years. After swearing off men/relationships for almost 15 years I found myself swept away by yet another man completely wrong for me. Again, just l like my father and ex-husband he is an alcoholic but this time I hit the jackpot with a narcissist. I have completely lost myself in this year long relationship. I am a shell of a person I used to be. He came on strong and love bombed me and then started to chip away at me. There is a tug of war each day – I feel the push to leave him and then he pulls me back in. When I feel confident and strong I can stay away but when he rejects me I feel like that little girl whose father rejected her and then of course I want him even more because he doesn’t want me. Today while taking a walk at lunch everything seemed to come at me all at one – he doesn’t love me. He controls me. He wants me only when I pull away. He puts me down and doesn’t show love. There’s never any empathy, sympathy or remorse. He is self-centered and very rarely shows love to me. he always flaunts other women in my face. However, now that he thinks other men are interested in me he is calling me a slut, whore, etc and trying to place blame on me. I am an intelligent woman and recognize this is a horrible relationship and I deserve more. I sincerely hope that by healing old wounds I can move on and forgive the others and myself so I can begin to live the life I deserve. You give me hope. I will be getting in touch with you. I am finally ready to get off of this horrible merry-go-round. Thank you!!

    • pippalatreez@gmail.com'
      Filipa
      October 7, 2017

      I’m not Melanie but I hope both of us find the strength to leave… I’m in an abusive relashionship since I was 15, it’s been 4 years and I’m totally stuck as well… I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, I can’t imagine the suffering you endured… I wish you the best of luck in the world, I know see this isn’t as uncommon as I thought, to suffer at the hands of these broken people… I hope you’ll be happy and free one day 🙂 don’t give up <3 x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2017

      Hi Melissa,

      it is so wonderful that you have realised the KEY that you are regressing into old wounds and the clinging to him when he rejects you.

      Because the truth is it doesn’t matter how much we analyse the N or what they do or why they do it – that doesn’t set us free. What always sets us free for real from this hideous pain and handing our power away, again and again, is healing these inner traumas of ours.

      That is exactly what my deeper work the, NARP Program, is – and many people have connected to my informational work to try to hold strong and heal, yet the transformational Inner Work (with Quanta Freedom Healing) is where the real Inner Identity shift takes place within us.

      Please come into my free webinar – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com.freewebinar because there you will find out all about the deep inner transformational work – the direct healing of your old wounds – as well as experience a direct Quanta Freedom Healing shift.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Relief, truly, is not far away.

      Mel xo

  • CherylKeenan@comcast.net'
    Cheryl
    October 7, 2017

    Hi Melanie: Why is it that your videos always seem to show up in my email at just the “right” time? Today was a hard day for me. This healing thing can be and is very difficult at times for sure. You are absolutely right on the forgiveness issue, because without that, I don’t think one can ever truly let go, never mind move on. I have days where I feel evolved and doing well and then other days, I struggle to just get to the end of the day. I like to call my healing process as in a state of being “emotionally sober”, knowing how to truly identify situations and persons that can cause you harm beforehand, where in the past I seemed to have no clue in big part because of my own inner wounds that I had been carrying around but no dealing with for so long, such as abandonment issues, self-esteem issues and on and on… So I kept attracting these personality types into my life without realizing it, yikes! School of hard knocks for sure. Through my healing process, I also went through some depression issues and your last video on that subject was very awakening for me, to really get at the “cause” of the depression, not just masking it with a drug or stuffing your emotions down. I loved your choice of words and find myself saying them to myself every morning… “I love myself enough to meet my inner wounds with presence, devotion and fascination, I love myself enough to load them up, to release them from my inner being.” “I love myself to free myself from my imperfect journey.” Wow, that one is an understatement for me. Now I am going to add to that each day… I love myself enough to forgive and let go, as you also had said, a “peaceful” person will make good and better choices.” Learning to love yourself can be hard. Thank you Melanie for your words of wisdom and truth.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2017

      Hi Cheryl,

      I am so pleased I can help you in synch!

      It is so wonderful that you are self-parenting and loving you back to wholeness.

      Sending big blessing and healing to you Cheryl and please know you are so welcome.

      Mel xo

  • loreleew@telus.net'
    Lorelee
    October 7, 2017

    Hi Melanie: I have been working with the modules for @1 month and mostly with #4 & #5. Prior to a few months ago, the topics of “forgiveness” and “healing the inner child” were not possible for me because I would disassociate whenever I heard those words. Then at a retreat, a fellow student guided me through the Ho’oponopono Hawaiian healing prayer for self-forgiveness. I worked with the Ho’oponopono Healing Prayer Guided Meditation by Jason Stephenson on youtube prior to finding your work, (which has been a godsend). I also frequently listen to the Ho’oponopono songs on youtube. Dr. Hew Len is credited for healing the criminally insane with this prayer – fascinating story.

    Also want to add that when I feel waves of rage, I follow your suggestion to say, “I bless and accept these feelings” and “This trigger indicates an unhealed wound”. This has helped me stop repressing emotions that I previously judged myself harshly for having. In other words, at this time, I am embracing self-forgiveness for the first time and trust there will be a natural extension as fears and wounds are healed. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2017

      Hi Lorelee,

      I also love the Ho’oponopono way! It is incredibly Quantum!

      I am so pleased you are doing so well and healing, and you are SO welcome.

      Self-forgiveness is such a big part of self-love and self-acceptance.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • carosylvester@hotmail.com'
    Caroline Millar
    October 7, 2017

    Wow Melanie, I can’t believe the perfect timing of this post! My N came round yesterday for 10 minutes to break off our relationship/engagement (again) after the longest period of us believing he was finally overcoming this. I last saw him last weekend when we had friends over for a lovely meal and went to my church together the next morning which he had recently committed to attending with me; it was also our 1 year anniversary this week. As you can imagine, the most damaging attack has been on my faith and as he was coldly saying he couldn’t “do us anymore’ whilst not being able to give any reason why, I knew the only way forward would be to finally close the door and forgive him. I shall now watch your video but I first wanted to thank you on behalf of thousands of people who you have already helped for giving so selflessly of your valuable insight. May you know His blessings ever more so today and as you continue with all that you do.
    xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 8, 2017

      Hi Caroline,

      I am so pleased this was timely for you.

      Thank you, Caroline, and I wish you all the strength healing and blessings to connect to true love and life of the highest order.

      You are so on your way.

      Mel xo

  • 1bluegrassbass@gmail.com'
    John
    October 8, 2017

    Hello Meline,

    This blog is so powerful ! What I love about it , is the idea of forgiveness can be applied in every faucet of my life , especially to myself !
    I was happily married for almost 14 years . My wife fulfilled my needs and encourage my self partnering . You may be wondering , “ what happened?”
    I’m ashamed to say that my wife’s work and personal issues took her away from fulfilling my needs and after a few years of this , my personal traumas caused me to feel invalidate, alone and my neediness was no longer being fulfilled, instead of being able to give what was given to me for so long , I started looking elsewhere.
    Yes , I had an affair, and this is how I met my Nac ! She fulfilled all those needs on the surface and I became addicted and while my core being kept telling me to get out of this , I couldn’t !
    Because of this affair, I have learned why I did what I did and I was acting more like a Narc but with your guidance I’ve been able to find the true source of why I did what I did .
    The guilt that haunts me , makes it very hard to forgive myself and often I feel that I don’t deserve to heel , but I’m trying just the same because I know that my deep traumas caused me to hurt and abandon a wonderful person , while I still love my soon to be ex-wife , I no longer feel any romantic connection to her , She is my best friend , a caring , selfless person, who has an enormous amount to love .
    Today would be our 17 th wedding anniversary and I can look back at all the wonderful memories and appreciate all the love and understanding that She has given me and it makes me feel blessed that I was able to have her in my life , but I’m trying to heel from the abuse that my ex-narc has caused me , it feels like Karma , like I deserved this abuse, tying to forgive myself seems almost arrogant and selfish!
    I have been in no contact with my ex-Narc for almost a month and yet I want her to contact me and I know that it is ego driven. In our many , many break ups Her pattern has always been either 2 weeks or a month but this time it feels so different, mainly because I found you ! I started pulling away and stopped feeding her supply 3 weeks before I actually left and I mourned the death of the person I created the first week I decided to pull away, I still mourn for her now and then, but then I go deeper into that trauma and focus what it’s really about and the pain becomes even more intense, because I’m dealing with my inner trauma!
    My only concern now , is I keep experiencing specific numbers ! My ex-narc always had a thing with her birthday, 7 -17 . These numbers keep coming up all the time ! Perfect example, today . My wedding anniversary is on the 7 th day , 17 years and it 2017 !
    This girl that I have been talking to her Birthday is in june 7 days before July, 17 days after that is my ex-narc’s Birthday ! 7-17 ! I have to make a conscience effort not to look at the clock around 7-17 , but I always seem to look at when it’s 7:17 ! Why ?
    Why , is this haunting me ? Am I subconsciously looking for this number and in doing so , always see it ?
    I’m sorry for this very long post, in short you are helping me a great deal to thrive, I just have set backs now and then!

    Love all the great work your doing!!
    Wishing you all the best !
    John

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2017

      Hi John,

      I am so pleased this one resonated with you!

      Thank you for your honesty John, and explaining your journey. It makes perfect sense as to why you have suffered such guilt. It is also so consistent the pulls and obsessions that you are feeling as a result of narcissistic abuse – and that is adding trauma into your mix … absolutely.

      I love that you are self-partnering and coming home to you and your traumas to heal them.

      N’s DO haunt. The way that yours is happening is pretty specific, but I believe it all comes back to what Prema Chodren famously said: “nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” N abuse is so like that- we have to heal the inner traumas that are keeping us hooked into the game, or the weird “bumping intos / reminders (or whatever it is) don’t stop.

      John the most direct deepest way to get to the core of this is to join me in one of my free webinars http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I would love you to experience Quanta Freedom Healing on these feelings of “obsession” and “guilt” and really get to the bottom of them and be able to energetically release then from your DNA.

      Then the battles will end.

      Wishing you many blessings too John.

      Mel xo

  • ztgarda@gmail.com'
    Tanya
    October 8, 2017

    Hi Mel

    Thanks for this video, I have a question please? First though, thanks to your advice on your blog a few months ago, I became a NARP member in July. I worked through module 1 for about 7 weeks, as well as several GSMs and SH&R around core beliefs (as per your emails and the forum). I’ve been working almost daily with the modules since starting the course.

    I found your Forgiveness ebook very helpful and decided to do the process you suggested on my Narc mom on 17/9 (I did a Module 3 with it). She has mellowed over the years and she and I have been doing quite a lot of soul work for the last few years. It seems as though our relationship has up-levelled to a great extent. Ironically she has been one of my main supporters as I go through the healing journey of C-PTSD etc (Narc Dad and sister). She has taken responsibility for so much of what she did when I was a child etc. I was starting to feel safe around her.

    I knew I still needed to do the Forgiveness process with her however, and so I did. Initially I felt some freedom and relief, what has been weird though is that she seems to have regressed a bit… She isn’t anywhere as bad as when I was younger, but that vanity/selfishness that Narcs can have has come to the fore. It has of course brought up a lot of my early feelings of abandonment and betrayal etc. I’ve done 2x Module 2 to let go of my illusions of her. I did do a Self-Forgiveness (+ Module 3) process on 4 Oct.

    I’m not quite sure what to do now? Is it just all those pain layers coming up to be released? Has she gotten ‘worse’ because I gave her hot potato back to her? Does this mean I can’t rely on a relationship with her? Feeling confused and uncertain.

    What would you suggest as a way to proceed please Mel?

    Thanks for this very profoundly healing NARP programme and for all your dedication and commitment to us Thrivers 🙂

    Much love,
    Tanya

    • hllove@live.com'
      Hannah
      October 8, 2017

      Hi Tanya,

      I’m not Mel, but after reading your comment I’m curious if maybe this is the case of what Mel has referred to as a “graduation” point?

      Like maybe the reason your mom has regressed a bit is because of all the healing you’ve done on yourself, and now this is the test to see if you can be around a Narcissist without being triggered? And if her behavior is still triggering certain fears and pain in you, I think it’s supposed to mean that you still have more shifting to do Just a thought <3

      • ztgarda@gmail.com'
        Tanya
        October 15, 2017

        Hi Hannah

        Thank you so much for your thoughts, yes that is so true. I’ve been trying to stay focused on that idea of the graduation points, meaning that things are improving! Thank you for sharing that and reminding me 🙂

        Wishing you great Thriving xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2017

      Hi Tanya,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      Our journey personally and with others is not a straight line. We will see progress and then another layer of “stuff” certainly does come up.

      That is wonderful that you are letting go of the “need” for her to be a certain way for you. Because, of course, this is precariously dangerous, causing us to hand power and self away with anyone close to us, let alone someone we know has suffered from aspects of damaged or underdeveloped personality – who is unreliable in the love stakes.

      The truth is your soul is always going to grant you whatever is required for your freedom and evolution. Yes, there may be a hot potato back at her, and the “stuff” she is going through is between her and her soul battling it out for her evolution opportunity. (which is perfect no matter how it seems) and the experience for you of her again being unavailable to you is perfect for your healing and evolution to not “need a relationship with her in order to be whole.”

      Please know at the highest level of soul to soul, your Mother and you adore each other – this is the playout lovingly for evolution.

      Sweetheart all you have to do is what we ONLY ever have to do. Keep releasing your trauma that surfaces and bring in Source to replace it, and take your hands off all else.

      Then you will be and do what a True Self becomes and does.

      I hope this helps, and please know you are so welcome Tanya 🙂

      Sending love and blessings to you and your Mum.

      Mel xo

      • ztgarda@gmail.com'
        Tanya
        October 15, 2017

        Thank you so so much Mel, it all rings so deeply true. I actually watched your recent depression video after posting my question, and that helped so much too, I walk around saying ‘I unconditionally love and accept (everything)’ all the time. I think the ‘being my own loving/positive Source’ clicked on the deeper level it needed to after this experience. It’s challenging, owing to the lifetime of negative peptides etc, but I try to keep coming back to that.

        I’m focusing on removing all the blocks/negative beliefs on being my own Source for now. It helps so much to stay focused on Self despite what triggers me. I know you say it all the time, but its amazing the time it takes for things to ‘sink in’ to the deeper layers of being.

        I just know that I REFUSE to go back into despair and suicide like I used to when this has come up (many times) before.

        Deep gratitude and blessings to you always <3

        PS: can't we have a world reunion of Narpers sometime lol xx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 15, 2017

          Hi Tanya,

          it is my pleasure 🙂

          I am so pleased that video helped you.

          That is so wonderful that you are going forward and up.

          So much love to you too and I would love that one day! TOTALLY!

          Mel xo

  • rossxx@hotmail.co.uk'
    Ross
    October 8, 2017

    Thanks for this video Mel. I think the long and short of it is about killing the ego, and replacing it with the concept – the truth – of universal Oneness. It can be a very tough thing to do, especially if one feels wronged and aggrieved, but you’re right. There’s no other way. Thanks for all your good work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2017

      Hi Ross,

      it’s my pleasure.

      I like to think of it as dissolving the ego.

      The ego is a defence mechanism wrapped up in trauma and fear. When we release the trauma and fear from our Inner Being the ego-defences fly out with them.

      Then when Source comes in as the replacement (The QFH process) the light further birds away (dissolves) the ego.

      “Where there is light there can be no darkness.”

      So the change-over literally becomes organic. It is a loving shift that is “mid-wifed” rather than a power struggle and battle (which ironically only makes the ego push back and fight harder, hence why it feels “hard”.)

      Hope that makes sense 🙂

      Please know you are very welcome!

      Mel xo

  • hllove@live.com'
    Hannah
    October 8, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    Is it normal to feel fatigued/lethargic the day or two after doing a big energy clearing?

    I did the first module for Quanta two nights ago on a really heavy issue for myself, and although I admit I was a bit skeptical going into it, wow what a relief it was.

    The issue I shifted had been bothering me for over a month, yet I hadn’t cried about it at all. All of a sudden within the first minute of the module I started crying. Really, really crying. I didn’t even realize it was an issue to feel sad over, because it mostly made me angry. This issue had to do with really hurtful words and actions someone near me did, and it was like my mind couldn’t let it go for over a month, it would keep popping up into my mind and I would relive the pain and the anger, the injustice and the humiliation, over and over. It’s been two days since doing the energy clearing and the obsessive thoughts have disappeared. When I try to think of them, it’s like they’re not there anymore or there’s a wall blocking access to it. I can still feel some residue though, so I’m going to try to shift whatever’s left of it out again tonight, but I’ve been so tired since my last shift two days ago that I needed to wait a few days.

    Is this normal?

    Also, thank you for these modules, it was like my mind, body and soul were craving it like a medicine. <3

    • ztgarda@gmail.com'
      Tanya
      October 15, 2017

      Hi Hannah

      I also can feel quite tired after big shifts. From my reading on the NARP forum and own experiences I think it is very normal and a good sign that your body is integrating and re-calibrating to the shifts you are experiencing. It seems to be very common to feel tired and a bit wiped out at times. It’s important to honour your body and its processes as you go through the modules. That’s all part of the Self-care aspect I think.

      There’s lots on the forum around body/energy shifts if you search for it. Check under the FAQs by Mel.

      Take care!

      xx

  • number4babygirl@gmail.com'
    Cindy
    October 9, 2017

    Thank you Melanie! So strange, that I stumbled upon your writings about a year and a half ago, when I was “slayed” by narcissist. I really don’t know why I didn’t look further into your website/ blogs/ videos etc., I’ve been asking myself this lately, after re-stumbling on a blog post from a google search, and reading your very long and detailed post. I enjoyed it so thoroughly, that I actually said a prayer (before I had finished) that you had more writings on this topic. So here I am, after discovering, that yes you did! I have done so much work since that day of slaying I refer to, and could identify so strongly with your writings/ experience, so much so, I felt very in tune with you, as though it was me you were writing about. I have done my very first quantum healing with you. I felt shades different, and pounds lighter after. I had come so far from the day I felt I died, to the day I came across your quantum healings. I knew that I wasn’t completely free, because I still had an obsession, with the woman I was left for, more so than he. This particular video helped me in seeing that I need to forgive her. It’s the only way for me to truly move on and close this chapter of abuse, totally and completely free to move on, and live the life I have been granted in the most healthy and happy way possible. I think you are an absolute godsend, a true angel among us, helping us as a guide to our freedom! Thank you! I was so close, yet so far, by being unable to forgive her! There is so much I would love to say to you about your selfless giving to this topic, and your ongoing outreach to any and all you can reach, due to your own experience and knowing what state this tragic abuse leaves a person in. There’s just not enough words or space on this page to do so. God Bless You Melanie Tonia Evans! God Bless you to the FULLEST!!!!!!!! Much love to you, Cindy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 9, 2017

      Hi Cindy,

      I am so pleased you found your way to this Community!

      That is lovely that you have started doing the inner trauma release work and feel such a shift.

      How wonderful you now know the next step forward Cindy – I am so happy for you!

      Thank you for your beautiful words. Fellow Angel Lady keep spreading your wings.

      Much love and blessings to you too.

      Mel xo

  • yoshilange41@gmail.com'
    Michael
    October 9, 2017

    Hi Melanie. I can really tell that you have been through a lot of the emotions that i have been through. It was as if you were explaining my life to me. I feel totally like as if those who abused me so much should have to suffer such a horrible death. That nothing in this life is enough punishment for the abusers for what has gone on. I feel like telling my brother in law that he’d better enjoy himself here because where he’s going, he’s going to be in for a rude awaking. I had that kind of thought just yesterday. Those real horrible abusers are going to be hard to forgive. I know it. One of the things that came up while you were talking was the feeling of rejection, and i was able to connect past abuse to present abuse by narcissists. It is just like you said that i have got to heal my inner wounds. It is just like you have said “So within, so without.” I wish i could just unload all of the trauma all at once and get it all over with, but i don’t think it will work that way. The narcissists in my life were only an extension of what i had buried in my life. This time instead of being buried inside of me, this was on the outside for others that knew what was going on to see for themselves.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2017

      Hi Micheal,

      I have been through those emotions and I know how painful they are.

      It is wonderful that you want to free yourself from them – and you are right – we can’yt just let them go all at once.

      There is a journey to undertake, a commitment to meet and heal and self-partner with our Inner Being in order to get the Inner work done.

      Namely to become less darkness (fear pain and resentment) and become more Light (love, compassion, understanding).

      I wish you all the best in your freedom and release Michael.

      Mel xo

  • Dianna.kholodar@gmail.com'
    Dianna
    October 9, 2017

    I am reading a wonderful book by Joan Borysenko, PhD “Fire in the soul. A new psychology of spiritual optimism”. It is all about the meaning of life crises as opportunities for personal growth:
    Once upon a time, a long long time ago,
    before even
    Grandfather Sky had given birth to the stars,
    there was only One Being.
    One pure consciousness of love resting in the completeness
    of its own untold Stories and mute Songs unsung.

    Then, one day, for reasons that no one remembers,
    if in fact anyone ever knew,
    the One became restless.
    Some say it decided to play a cosmic game of
    hide and seek, splitting its Light into
    tiny sparks, each with the full potential of the Whole.
    In this way the One could know itself and grow itself.

    So each spark was clothed in a costume of flesh
    and its Light and wisdom hidden deep within its heart.
    The challenge of the game was for all parts of the Whole
    to discover their way back Home again
    having lived all the Stories and sung all the Songs
    that would make them wise and compassionate
    co-creators and companions to the One.

    The fledgling souls took many roads Home.
    Each Way had its own Story and each soul
    responded to that Story with the gift of free will,
    embroidering new stories on the dream-tapestry
    of the One Great Dreamer.
    And the sun rose and the sun set.
    The tides came in and the tides went out.
    New flesh was born and old flesh went back to the earth.
    And the One saw new stories grow in the Theater of the Many.

    Some of these stories led closer to Home.
    These were the ones in which fear was conquered by love.
    Some of these stories led down blind alleys.
    These were the ones in which love was hidden by fear.
    The plays were long and the distractions many.
    One by one
    most souls forgot that they were on a journey at all.
    They fell asleep to the First Stories
    that the One had left as eternal roadmaps and guides
    so that each soul could find its way
    back Home.

    Believing that they were alone and separate
    these lost souls wandered in a strange land
    dominated by the illusion that death was real and
    that love was as transitory as a shadow.
    Some sought solace in money, others in power.
    Some found it in food or drugs or alcohol or anger or
    television or possessions,
    gossip or judgment or a jealous god
    who whispered lies. You are special, you are saved,
    there is only one way Home and this is it.

    In its love and mercy for the lost parts of itself
    the One sent alarm bells out into the Universe
    to wake its sparks from their dreams of fear
    and to guide them back into paths of love and longing
    for reunion with the Great Cosmic Beloved.
    These wake-up calls of pain roused the souls from their
    sleep of forgetfulness.

    And their cries for help were heard by their
    brothers and sisters throughout the Universe.
    Seen and unseen helpers came
    whenever they were drawn by the intent,
    the powerful pull of will
    of any soul who appealed to the Source
    with a true longing for reunion, forgiveness and love.
    And they helped those souls to become free
    from the bondage of limited beliefs and
    past unloving or ignorant actions
    so that they could find
    safe passage Home.

    They will give you safe passage, too,
    if you ask with faith,
    even the size of a mustard seed,
    and if you are patient and willing to listen
    to the directions of the Universe,
    even if they are
    not what you wanted to hear.
    Thy will, not mine, be done–
    this is the understanding
    that will bring you Home.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2017

      Hi Dianna,

      this is so powerful.

      I love it … so true!!

      Thank you for sharing.

      Mel xo

  • erunge@initusa.com'
    Evelyn Runge
    October 10, 2017

    Thanks for another great video. I still have one issue that I can’t seem to let go of, perhaps you have already done a video on this but if not, I would love your input. I have “moved on”, “forgiven”, and for the most part I’m living a very healthy happy life without my ex-husband. Although there was no violence in our relationship, he definitely mad me feel less than “good enough”. I had no boundaries and let everyone walk all over me. I spent most of my life trying to make sure everyone else was happy at the expense of my own happiness. There was absolutely no affection from him in most of our 37 years of marriage, and I constantly over compensated affection to my kids to hide the non-affection he showed them. My problem is I really have a deep “love” for him. He was my first and only from the time I was 13 years old! I always felt and commented many times over the years that I loved him more, but figured all relationships must be that way. (One partner loves the other more). I have learned, as you said, that he was really an angel that made me face my childhood abused from my stepfather. I have maintained NO CONTACT for 1 year now and I really would like to pick up the phone and say hello. I know if I call him, I will only be hurt all over again, when he shows absolutely no “care” for me at all. I almost feel like I’m craving his rejection to feed my peptide addiction. How do I stop these overwhelming feelings???

    Thanks in advance for your advice.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2017

      Hi Evelyn,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      Those feelings can be so insidious and hard to shake – they were for me too (as they have been for so many of us), until I knew how to heal them.

      Are you working with the NARP Program to reach and shift those feelings?

      Module 2 in NARP is specially created for what you are discussing, http://www.melanietoniaevns.com/narp

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • jay.rossi97@gmail.com'
    Jay
    October 10, 2017

    Pls do not publish my picture in the comments. I have been going through a toxic relationship with my narccistic daughter for over 20 years. She is now 49 years old. She has done and is still being so cruel to me but I still love her and my grandchildren. She is moving away to another state in two months and I know I will never see her again. I left her father after 30 years of abuse and now am in another abusive relationship with my present husband of 20 years.
    She hates him and has stopped seeing me because I have stood by him.
    What do I write in my forgiveness message to her?

    I love your videos and am so trapped that someday I will set myself free.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2017

      Hi Jay,

      please know for any technical issue you can email support@melanietoniaevans.com

      I am so sorry you have been going through such trauma with your daughter.

      Truly Jay, the journey is so much about healing ourselves, being authentic to ourselves and those we love. Yes, you could write to her that you forgive her, but the truth is the key people in our life can only start loving and respecting us, when we step up and start doing that for ourselves.

      Jay, I would love you to come into one of my free workshops if you haven’t already http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Because it will help show you the way through all of this.

      Wishing you strength and healing.

      Mel xo

  • Maminho@yandex.com'
    Empath G
    October 11, 2017

    Forgiveness. Yes, i know it is the ultimate thing that can set you free and boost up your healing process. Forgiveness is the core thing and it starts within ourselves. We need to first forgive OURSELVES. But…the narcissist claws went deep, deep betrayal of the sudden discard when the mask slipped. In my case she just have put on the Victim mask. Oh she is truly an elite of her kind, altruistic, covert, both cerebral and somatic. I saw a glimpse of her behind these masks for a few seconds through her tears when she was shaming and blaming me in the end. It was terrifing. Demonic stare of her pride in the discard moment shocked my very soul. Deep down i knew what she was, a Wettiko, Jezebel, Succubus..whatever it is. Interesting thing is that she sleeptalked with open eyes almost every night…that first scared me to death, that demonic voice and stare when she was yelling in her half awake sleep.( nocturnal MPD or what? ) What a red flag it was. Not a flag..a sail. Forgiveness is the key i agree, but it is hard to do when you feel that your soul is raped and parts of it are missing. Fear is still deeply buried in my plexus and my kidneys. Shame is tremendous. It overwhelms my entire body. I know in the end when i focus on myself and my wounds the light in the tunnel is going to be shown. Hope is on its way. I can feel it and forgiveness is one of the key. Gratitude also for the N of messaging my core wounds. I will pray to my higher Self and God to let me feel that strength to forgive myself and naturally the strength for forgiving the N will follow. It will be hard but it is a must in order to get her out of my reality and thrive beyond this horrific mental, emotional and spiritual abuse.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2017

      Hi Empath G,

      you are so, so right the trauma lodges deep in our body – that is where it resides, and that is why I am so committed to helping people release the trauma at that level.

      Then the mind shifts and follows also and we go free.

      Please come into my free workshop where you get to experience precisely how to achieve that. I take you through the process.

      It is the key to heal what our limited mind simply can’t.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • gwendinning@outlook.com'
    Gwen
    October 20, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    I look forward to your videos and blogs and I have been working hard on releasing the trauma of a narc experience I had with someone I met in the workplace. Long story short, there was a mutual “attraction” (I thought) that was actually him playing with me, writing to me, even kissing me one day and then abruptly smearing me and reverting to total silence. I was so in the clouds, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I believed in the story he told me that he was leaving his relationship. I’m ashamed of how strong the dissonance was. I’m ashamed to say I could no longer concentrate at the job (even though we did not work in the same department). My absenteeism increased. I started getting physically ill.

    Things were so bad for me mentally at this workplace that I left for a new job. On the surface it looks like I left on my own terms, and left for better pay and a great opportunity, but I feel devastated. As soon as I left, even with concrete evidence of what and whom I’d been dealing with (he hoovered me with letters and all kinds of written perversion, he started parking near my spot, he walked around and around the building to get my attention), I didn’t feel relieved. I felt a hole. I wanted to be in touch with him so badly.

    Of course I heard nothing from him.

    He played things so well, and has an altruistic goody goody boy image both at work and at home, and meanwhile I feel like I looked like the classic, cliche midlife crisis who made a big fool of herself. I had years of good reputation. I feel like these were destroyed in one fell swoop.

    He is still in his “relationship” and I have no reason to believe anyone has seen through him.

    I am no contact and I struggle daily with the urge to “make things right”.

    I take responsibility for my behaviour, for entertaining this attraction, and am in therapy, but my perspective on the bad days is that I’m paying for this more than he has or will ever pay. I don’t understand why everyone is oblivious.

    When you talk about soul contract, I realize that the reason I met this person is perhaps because my mother is a narcissist. Not full blown, but so many traits that just became clear to me in the past two years and starkly evident as she became disabled and more needy.

    I just don’t know 100% what this is supposed to mean. Why is the result that I am so empty, and find myself unable to feel grateful for the great job and still intact family that I have? Why do I need so badly to expose him, and when will that feeling go away?

    I am becoming better able to handle my mother, and to set boundaries with her without neglecting her.

    But as for forgiving the narc, I am not there yet.

    I appreciate all of the help you offer the community. Some days it’s only your videos or blogs that have prevented me from the temptation of reaching out to the narc.

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