The reason I have written this article is because many people have emailed me since my latest blogs and wanted to know the connection between spirituality and Quantum Laws and how this can help them recover from narcissistic abuse.
I love writing about this stuff, because it has played such a powerful part in my own recovery and expansion – therefore I am very passionate about sharing this information!
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a profound journey of necessary self-transformation – and the reason is because life can be incredibly painful if we don’t.
The basis of self-transformation is finding a way to truly connect to ourself – to finally and genuinely love and accept ourselves.
Self-transformation goes much deeper than just personal-development. Self-transformation means we literally change our being. It means we lose our Old Self and we become a completely different New Self.
I believe successful self-transformation is a spiritual process. It is a journey of looking at our life at deeper layers than we may have ever done before. It brings a deeper meaning to our existence, Who We Really Are and what life is really about.
What Are We Really Made Of?
When we embark on a spiritual inner journey we often change our perception from that of being a physical / material being into viewing ourself as an emotional / vibrational being.
Science documents for us this fact – that we are all made up of 99.999% space. Every single atom in our body only consists of .0001% matter. Yet until we have a personal breakdown experience we may have viewed our life as incredibly ‘physical’ rather than realising we are a vibrational being having a physical experience.
We may not have realised that the greater and by far the most powerful ‘real’ part of us is in fact consciousness.
You will have understood from many of my blog articles – and for those of you who are on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – that my philosophies and healing methods are spiritual / vibrational in nature. They are methods used to bypass your logical mind and limited physical focus in order to affect and change you at a ‘being level’.
In effect what this is about is addressing the 99.999% of you – your True vibrational ‘self’.
This is important – and hence why breakthroughs and rapid healing experiences are possible – as well as the ability to be able to alter from the inside out present life experiences beyond recognition.
By the age of 35 science tells us that 95% of our emotions and behaviours are unconscious. What this means is we act automatically from our subconscious programming as a result of what happened in our past.
This means we are in reaction to our environment and the pain it has caused, instead of creating a new future for ourself.
This grants us two choices:
1) make the conscious effort to change (reprogram ourself), or
2) keep living unconsciously as a victim to life.
The ‘change’ I believe we make when we recover from narcissistic abuse – if we were to put this transformation into one sentence is:
We transform fear into love.
What this means is – we leave behind the old survival programs that are entrenched in our subconscious mind, and clear them out, and make ‘space’ so that we can BE the forward moving and expansive programs of love instead.
Fearful DNA survival programs once upon a time were very necessary. They saved people from being eaten alive by wild animals. Nowadays they are a dysfunction. Adrenaline, fight and flee and contraction creates chemicals which keep people entrenched in emotions of pain, resentment, judgement, anger, depression, helplessness and confusion.
The more these emotions are entertained and felt, the more the brain chemicals compound to keep them going. Then more brain wiring occurs as elaborate neuro-nets for these painful emotions (causing us to do them automatically and habitually) and intense peptide addiction occurs.
From this state of fearful subconscious re-enactments and programming we are in intense emotional pain. The unconscious quick-fix solutions are these – create addictive behaviour to burn off the anxiety of the pain, or take medication to shut the emotional pain up.
When our fearful subconscious survival programs are energised, a great deal of beta brain wave is produced – which means the logical mind is very active. This stimulates the ego prolifically which creates perceptions distorted through maladaptive (false premises) of the past.
It is scientifically proven that in beta brainwave there is much less clarity than when we are in the much calmer, centred and connected space of low range beta or alpha brain wave.
When we are stuck in survival programs we are focused on the material / physical part of ourself. We sweat the small stuff, we blame our environment and we are very stubborn and contracted in our victimised feelings.
We are disconnected from the 99.999% of our True Self and we are stuck in the tiny percentage of ourself where we do not have solutions to grow, we cannot change and evolve, and where we are confused, powerless and disconnected from Source and all of our connection and harmonic resonance with life. We are incredibly limited because where our focus goes is where energy goes.
When the ego is engaged, intuition is non-existence – our infinite intelligence (consciousness) is not at the helm – rather an insecure, needy, limited and vengeful self is instead. From this place poor decisions are made – poor choices take place – and it is very likely that exactly what is feared is drawn into our experience time and time again.
This is a process of disintegration, not integration – whereby we disconnect further and further away from Who We Really Are.
Examining Our Beingness
It is impossible to move forward into creating a new and healthier future when we are contracted in fear and anchored in the pain of the past.
The truth is our emotional body has no mechanisms to differentiate the past from the present – and all our future moments are created from our vibration and ‘beingness’ in the present.
What is our beingness?
It is ‘whoever we are being’. Our personality is in fact our ‘beingness’. And if our personality is very unconscious and automatically feeling and acting out the fearful survival programs in our subconscious – then our ‘beingness’ (vibration) is attracted and creating everything that we don’t want in our life.
The goal is simple.
Our ‘beingness’ needs to become what we DO want to attract in our life.
It needs to be LOVE.
Let’s go back to the part about you being a spiritual / vibrational being (99.999% of you) having a physical experience (0.0001%).
If we were to conclude that the greater part of you (by far) is unseen (space that contains ‘consciousness’) could we conclude that it is actually your vibration (level of consciousness – your ‘beingness’) which creates your ‘seen’ physical experiences?
I definitely believe this is the case – and this is why I passionately believe that if we wish to change our life, the situations in it, and what other people are or aren’t doing in our repeat experiences – the only way we affect anything in our life is to make changes at our OWN ‘being’ level.
We cannot have a loving, expansive life that brings us joy when we are ‘being’ fear. It just isn’t possible.
We don’t have the brain-wiring, we aren’t producing the right peptide chemicals, we don’t embody the emotions, genuine intentions, behaviours or actions which create or attract loving opportunities or events – and we don’t have the space of openness in our mind or our heart to accept love – even if it was to present.
If we are fear then we are cut off from love which comes through the parts of us which are larger than the egoic self . Genuine love is to be found in the BIG us – which is the space and consciousness of Who We Really Are.
It’s very important to understand that the ‘self’ we thought we were, is incredibly small and limited.
Thus we can realise – a force bigger than ourself – which you may wish to call ‘consciousness’ or ‘God’ or ‘Source’ or ‘Creation’ is IN FACT Who You Really Are – as the largest part of you.
How connected you are or are not to ‘being’ your Source Self – is what establishes your quality of beingness.
There Is Only One Place To Get Love
There is nothing we can change outside of ourself in order to make us feel more whole or ‘be’ love.
None of that is authentic.
If we aren’t ‘love’ then any attempts to ‘get’ love will be co-dependency. Those attempts are based on addiction and neediness. And of course, as co-dependents we know, neediness and addiction is a terrible formula that can lead to allowing significant abuse.
All addictions and neediness are this – attempting to gain an aspect emotionally of self from outside of self – rather than connecting to and being that emotion authentically within self.
Like all addictions, more and more and more is needed to self-medicate. That is why co-dependents if they don’t heal and connect to themselves as their own Source, turn into fully blown love or sex addicts who can’t stand being alone or without a physical partner.
Or when choosing to be alone are incredibly lonely, unfulfilled and chronically depressed.
What is the remedy to all of this?
We have to make it our mission to love ourselves.
What does loving ourself really mean?
It means knowing that we can be the Source of love and approval to ourself (inner ‘fullness’) that we have been craving from outside of ourself.
Loving ourself means doing everything in our power to make that our most important mission in life.
Because all of the happiness of our life depends on it. That is if we want it to be authentic.
The reality is the grandest and most infinite part of ourself – the 99.999% already is incredible love, creation and joy – has always been and will be eternally.
It is simply our egoic survival programs, fears and beliefs in separateness, unworthiness and victimisation that have kept us anchored in the small, limited self –stopping us from realising and connecting to our True Source Self.
The Results Of Becoming A Loving Source To Self
What are the benefits of connecting to our Source Self and becoming self-love?
The benefits are:
1) We get to feel whole, full, at peace and ‘loved’ and ‘loving’ right now – regardless of whether or not we have a significant other.
2) Because we are a vibrational ‘being’ creating from our beingness – we get to attract and experience life circumstances which genuinely match ‘love’.
3) We are no longer contracted, fearful, dependent, scared of rejection or abandonment or afraid to ‘rock the boat’. We trust ourselves, we trust life and we know that if we show up authentically as ourself (an authentic being) that life will unfold authentic results.
4) We no longer see the Universe as a scary, awful, traumatic place. We know we are a vibrational creator, and our own beliefs and emotional resonance are calling the shots. (That is exactly what self-empowerment is – knowing we have the power to create our life rather than remaining a victim to it.)
5) We know the Universal Law of vibrational free-will. If we want to stay in pain and fear the Universe will lovingly comply and grant us people and situations which match that implicitly – and if we evolve our consciousness to a much higher vibration we will attract our positive, healthy, loving and supportive belief systems to the letter instead.
6) Because we are ‘full’ and connected to Source through love, we are no longer limited. There is no need to accept second or third (or worse) best, believing something better may not come along. We are very content to hold off, remain true to ourself and feel whole in the meantime.
7) We honour ourself in all aspects of our life, because when we are ‘whole’ and full of love for ourself – that is naturally what we do. We eat better, we take care of ourself and we spend our time with healthy people. We embody self-love, self-worth and self-esteem.
Please understand this embodiment is not a concept – we don’t ‘think’ we love ourself – If we really commit to working on ourself we feel and know that we do.
There is a huge difference between reading information – and actually applying it. To become a beingness of anything we need to absorb it into ourself at a cellular level.
We need to ‘become’ this New Way.
Let’s look at some things that love is and isn’t.
LOVE IS:
- Unconditional – it is compassionate
- Supportive of growth and healing
- An encouragement of expansion and wellbeing
LOVE ISN’T:
- Conditional – ‘I will only love you IF you become or do this’.
- Critical and judgemental of the state you are in now
- Stagnation – repetitively going over with the re-living and re-creating of ‘what happened’
It’s so important that you realise this article is strictly about ‘self-love’.
Please don’t take this formula and apply it outside of yourself to the narcissist, and use cognitive resonance (excuses) to try to get your love for yourself from outside of yourself. This is about becoming a true Source of love to yourself.
Only you are responsible for this – because you are the only one who can do it. You are not responsible for anyone else – especially people who do not wish to take responsibility for themselves – which is of course the narcissistic model of zero personal-responsibility / accountability and non-existent evolution.
Everyone’s necessary self-evolution is self-love.
Think about this: the only reason anyone in the world does anything harmful to others or allows themselves to be harmed is because they DO NOT love themselves.
So how do you help heal our world?
By healing and loving yourself.
What Conditions Are You Placing On Loving Yourself?
When we have been narcissistically abused, we may feel and see ourselves as anything but ‘wonderful’ or ‘loveable’.
The reality is we are emotionally shredded, highly hooked, addicted and co-dependent, and many areas of our life are more than likely in tatters.
What do you think happens when you stay in conditional love for yourself – shame, guilt, regret, resentment, fear, loss and pain – and believe you will only LOVE yourself if ‘what happened to you’ or ‘how you are right now’ changes?
Can you see how powerless this is?
Or, what happens when you decide right here / right now that regardless of how awful you feel and how bad you and your life looks, that you are going to decide to 100% LOVE YOURSELF without conditions and do the very best for yourself that you possibly can?
You can even take that further – you can acknowledge that until this breakdown moment you had not realised you were a vibrational being having a physical experience – and you realise that all of what has happened into your life was because you were creating events and situations that matched subconscious fearful unconscious programming. And now you can fully love yourself enough to heal and evolve and empower yourself.
You can acknowledge ‘Wow what was unconscious – can now be conscious. Finally I can change my life truly from the inside out’.
This is actually the opportunity of a lifetime to self-transform beyond recognition from the old life you were locked in to and feeling and experiencing.
You have the ability to move away from the Old Self into your True Self and be the creator of your life, instead of the victim of it.
Then you will not continue unconsciously living out your life in repeat from your past, from your ego in survival programs – you will forge new brain neuron pathways, create new peptide chemicals in your mind and body, dissolve your old subconscious programs, open space in your mind and heart, and embody the beingness of love and inspiration.
All of this happens before the physical events in your life change and take shape – which they will and must do – it is Universal Law.
Because when you change, your reality changes and your world follows.
If you are not a NARP member – please know that the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program shows you exactly how to achieve this journey.
Transformations You Can Make
Transforming beingness is the total key in order for your physical reality to change.
You are the unseen 99.999% – creating the seen 0.0001%. That is how you have always been creating.
For those of you who are on NARP and creating subconscious breakthroughs – and for those who aren’t – here are some muscle tests you can do in relation to the beliefs of self-love. You can perform QFH shifts on these to really accelerate your self-love process.
Please find this link which explains how to muscle test (you will need to scroll down a bit in this article).
- My Source of love has to come from outside of myself
- My Source of approval has to come from outside of myself
- I am unworthy of love
- I am a bad person
- I am disconnected from Source Energy
- I have dependency genetics
- I judge and criticise myself
- I love myself with conditions
- I will only be good enough if I am hard on myself
If you come up with any of these as a ‘yes’ here are the QFH shifts for them to set up as the goal (Module 11 in NARP) – and then clear all resistance to self-transform the previous false premises to the True Beliefs of Who You Really Are.
- I am my own Source of love. I feel and embody this energy as my natural divine state.
- I am my own Source of approval. I feel and embody this energy as my natural divine state.
- I am love, and I see myself as Source sees me, which is infinitely worthy.
- I am Source Energy, and divine love.
- Source Energy adores me, fills me and flows through me.
- I am the embodiment and download of being my own Source. I am full and whole, and engage with others in healthy interdependent ways.
- I accept, embrace and support myself.
- I love, accept and approve of myself unconditionally.
- I support, heal and nurture every part of me which requires my love and compassion.
I hope this article has helped you get a deeper insight into your healing and evolution and can assist you to realise Who You Really Are, how destructive your limited small egoic self is, and how you can more powerfully and directly heal.
I would love to hear the results from those of you who have done the muscle testing to see what your subconscious programs are up to – and from those who do any of my suggested shifts – it would be lovely to hear how it feels for you after doing them.
I just bought the ” breaking the habit of being yourself” by Dr.Joe Dispenza that you recommended and WOW!!!! I am half way through and cannot begin to explain the peace and understanding I now feel. I honestly feel like for the first time in a long time I am breaking free. Thank you soooooo much Melanie- you are truly an angel 🙂 it’s $13 on iBooks so is affordable for everyone.
Hi Dee,
I TOTALLY agree – Dr Joe nails it!
His meditations are awesome and such a part of my vibrational work now each morning whilst I walk…
The effects of leaving behind the egoic Old Self and claiming the freedom of the Real / Source Self is sooo freeing and so expansive..
So glad you took the leap!
Mel xo
thanks for your contribution. you have helped me a lot.
i will bet that you have read Tolle. The power of now is one of my favorites.
Hi Frank,
you are very welcome!
Yes I love Ekhart…New Earth is also a wonderful read! Essentially the message of all the writers I love is EXACTLY the same – Neale Donald Walsh, Don Miguel Ruiz, Gary Zucav, Marianne Williamson, Joe Dispenza etc. etc….
Truth is truth….and it is the same message…dissolve the ego and become our True Self…because that is the only way we will evolve, and anything else is continuous pain, frustration, not living our full potential, and certainly not serving the planet or others.
Thank you for your post Frank 🙂
Mel xo
Melanie – thank you for this “timely article”. After the ‘N’ I have been doing the work and now have attracted another man -he is definitely not available on a conscious level. So, obviously, I need to become more conscious! Your words have shown me the way to my true, authentic self and what I have to do. I AM MY OWN SOURCE OF LOVE….I had tears while reading your words. I had a dream – spirit showed me a text (in capital letters) “I AM” on my mobile..this must have been a precursor to your email…. I am very grateful for your work. With love Brenda
Hi Brenda,
you are so welcome!
Yes – perfect that you understand that this new man is refelcting back to you your inner parts that you still need to heal…
Commonly – (just as a gut punt for you) these can be ‘I am scared of really being loved (true intimacy’), or ‘I am not truly loveable’…and there are others.
Once you can feel into the pain of ‘him not being avaliable’ you will find your inner programs which attracted him as this version into your experience.
Yay – you truly are on your way Brenda to becoming your own source of love…stay conscious and use the information you gain wisely.
Your True Self is always calling you forward toward your Truth, Joy and Liberation – all you have to do is follow the cues, go within and connect…
Then we know how to transform…
Mel xo
Hello, thanks so much for this article, it is so well written! I myself have been using the meditations, bot the NARP and divine male/ female meditations every night. Since I started, I have had many shifts. I became less and less depressed and anxious. I started eating better, sleeping better, and being able to communicate with others better. I can feel my body changing at the cellular level!
I am in school at the moment, and I had almost dropped out. Now, I am studying a few hours a day, and making advancement. I am not all better, but I intend to be! I am doing the work to frameshift, as you describe. I am seeing my life in a whole new way. The NARP program helped a lot with the two narcissistic relationships I had, and the mother/father meditations helped me to really dig deeper. I had tried therapy, meetings, support groups, many things. The difference here is that I am replacing what didn’t work with what does.
The use of meditation to achieve this has been wonderful. I am more able to actually heal rather than just recounting past abuse, dragging it up and mulling it over. I am actually becoming free of it.
I am not tempted to contact, retaliate, or stew in anger about my narcissistic abuse. I am not disintegrating any more, I am integrating. It is wonderful, and I am so grateful you created this program, and that I found it when I needed it the most, and that I was willing to do the work!
Hi Sarina,
thank you for your post and that is SO wonderful that you are shifting!!!
It makes such a powerful difference when we do get into the subconscious programs and release them.
We simply don’t have access to the ideas, inspirations, space, knowledge, insights or direction of the New when we are continually re-vibrating as the Old (past) Self.
That is wonderful that you are clearing out the old painful belief systems – gaining the space and opening up to the creation of your New Self!
Yay!
This is TOTALLY what happens when we do the committed work, and it starts happening very quickly! 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Mel, Your articles are great, I wouldn’t miss them and I also have order the book, ‘Breaking the habit of being Yourself’matter of fact L buy everything you recommend, cant wait for it to arrive. Since finding you i started to read spiritual books and agree with you finding your inner self. Well after doing all your programs I have now become my own person, have the courage now to believe in myself and enjoy my own company. Your a very special person and without your help I would still be a crippled mess.
Love and light to you Mel
Jan. xx
Hi Jan,
That is fabulous that you read and expand and have been doing the Progams.
Life truly does get better and better and so much richer when we commit to growing…
That is so beautiful that you have come out of human agony and into personal solidness and joy – it is what we all want and deserve.
You are very welcome, and much love and all things divine to you Jan.
Mel xo
Hi Toni
You are an incredibly wise soul. Have you seen the blog on facebook “how to raise your vibration”. It has helped me immensly on my journey away from abuse
xx
Sorry Melanie, I was just thinking of my friend Toni and typed that xx
Hi Anna,
no problem at all!! That is my ’cause and effect’ for calling Suzanne Sally before! lol!
Gotta love how fast the Universe works!
Mel xo
Hi Anna,
no but I’d love to!!
Can you please post the link here?
Mel xo
Melanie, this article has explained things so beautifully.
It coincides perfectly with Module 4 of the new self empowerment QFH course which is what I am working at now. I really understand myself as a vibrational being first and foremost to anything else. Living this way has made me stop and put a hold on certain things where I was feeling discomfort and rather do the inner work first. Thank you so very much.
Hi Rozanne,
I am so pleased the article resonated with you!
That is great you are working with and recognising the 99.999% of yourself because this is where your true power and magic lies.
It is astounding the results when we stop obessesing with ‘doing’ and ‘struggling’ – work on the ‘being’ state and THEN take inspired (connected) action…
Everything changes….Great Job Rozanne!! 🙂
Mel xo
Your information has started to help me understand why I have been trapped into only seeing in my mind the good things I wanted to remember and not the horrific side of the relationship which left me with plenty of traumatic scars. The experience I had whilst listening to one of your broadcasts yesterday already commented on. Along with the Hayhouse World Summit and some of the speakers. I canam truly starting to make the shift. I know it won’t be easy
Hi Terry,
That is great that you are starting to get clear from the fog.
The Hayhouse Summit has been marvellous….some incredible talks!
It is your ego Terry that is telling you thatmaking the shift won’t be easy, because your ego is ceratinly not in favour of you doing it…
You will be suprised that when you start committing to shifting just how MUCH easier your life is – and how hard, painful and stuck in repeat it was when your ego had you captured in fear, pain and survival programs…
Not only will you start feeling self-love, self-acceptance, greater solidness and relief, you will also start to feel and see your New Life begin.
Mel xo
Thank you so much for the time and effort you have put into your work. I am always glad to see your emails. I have found your wisdom to be enlightening and empowering. I have come so far with your guidance. Thank you than you!
Hi Rifka,
You are very welcome. I really do adore writing and pouring this stuff out – it truly does not feel like work!
I am so pleased my material has been able to help you Rifka!
Mel xo
Thank you so much,Melanie, for this amazing article. I am already able to see how my physical reality has shifted for the positive since making significant internal shifts in the direction of authentic self love and self care. Every article you share on your blog is a gift.
Hi Gina,
Yay – that is so gorgeous you are living the results of making inner shifts…
That is so true – once we authentically love and accept ourself – life absolutely reflects back MORE 🙂
Mel xo
Mel, thank you so much for this article. I thoroughly enjoyed playing with the muscle testing exercise; it was fun! I have become aware that something deep within me has changed and the feelings I am having a lot of the time feel as if someone is giving me an energy massage; it feels like something I would call bliss and is coming from within me. I just feel happy. I am aware of, and thankful for all the things in life that are given to me. Last night at dancing, I noticed that I am feeling more relaxed and that my salsa dancing is flowing a lot more easily and I am easily managing to understand and execute the steps. People at dancing have noticed that I am back to my old joyous self that had diminished when I was with my ex-boyfriend. They know both of us and could see that I am now less drawn and sad and I look really happy. Strangely, my ex-boyfriend has not been at dancing for the last two weeks and I am wondering if this is something to do with the energy changes within myself. During dancing, all my partners and I had a lot of laughs and shared a great time with each other. After dancing, my friend Errol said he would walk me back to my car and that was so nice.I felt cared for. Then, I went for souvlaki because I do not eat before dancing and one of my friends from dancing was there and we shared our souvlaki and chatted. Today, one of the assistants at work, suddenly appeared and offered me two kids’ CD’s that I can use in class, to keep. My assistant, after lunch, offered me some sweets.The new man in my life keeps sending me lovely texts, telling me how much he enjoys me being in his life and wants me to be part of his. There are so many lovely things for which to be grateful. I have a wonderful job, a wonderful class of children who I love, the best assistant a teacher could possibly want and a home in peaceful and beautiful surroundings.I can remember one time in a therapy group when we were talking about getting nurture from within ourselves rather than wanting to get it from the outside. My friend, who is still my friend, handed me a cushion and said to use it for the purpose of having something to hug, rather than seeking it from another human. I didn’t have a clue what it was all about at the time but it was my introduction to self-love and not looking to the outer to meet my needs for love. My therapist at the time talked about whether I was committed to myself for my growth journey. How amazing that when I have been able to change from the inside out, my external life changes too. I am also amazed to find that at all times in my life, as I reflect, the very people and situations that I have needed to heal and grow, have been there for me so I could continue my journey. For instance, my hospital stay for my intensive therapy, was in the only therapeutic community that focussed on staying with feelings. My therapy would have cost well over a million dollars and I had no money at the time. Somehow, my hospital benefits covered the cost and although my baby and I had no home at the time, we were able to move to the creche at the back of the hospital so I didn’t have to leave altogether and the cost was covered. When it became time to leave, we still had no home. Amazingly, on the day I was told I had to leave the hospital, a wonderful apartment near the beach and opposite a park, became available through the Housing Commission. Such amazing timing! There have been so many other synchronous incidents in my life and I am amazed and very, very thankful.It makes me aware that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Just thought you might like to hear that I am really moving into new, wonderful spiritual reality. Thanks for your wonderful site and for all that you give to all of us who use it. Be blessed.
Suzanne your experience is so beautiful and inspiring. I am so happy for you.
Thank you. I am very happy. Hope that you are creating lots of lovely situations and relationships in your life too. I am grateful for the experiences that I had with the N men in my life. Couldn’t see it at the time but in retrospect, and after having done all the work on myself to get free, I can thank them for being part of my healing.
Hi Suzanne,
thank you for your lovely post and share.
You truly have applied evolved consciousness in understanding that without exception everyone who has entered our experience (who has been challenging) has been able to reflect back to us an apsect of our wounded self which requires healing.
We have only been sent ‘angels….(Neale Donald Walsh)..
That is wonderful the synchronistioc events in your life that by honouring you – surrendering and allowing the Universe to step in (your Greater Universal Mind) – you received these…
Mel xo
I love everything you are saying…I was wondering if I misunderstood your reference to module 11. I just received the NARP program and It only goes up to 10.
Hi Lorrie,
The bonus Module is affectionately known as Module 11 by NARPERS….sorry for the confusion!!
Mel xo
Hi Mel, Thank you for this article. In it you mention a Module 11. Where do I find this, I have purchased NARP also Qanta Freedom Empowered Self Course, both of which go only to Module 10.
Hi Jenny,
you are so welcome. ‘Module 11’ is the Bonus Module you receive in NARP…
That is the goal setting one.
Enjoy!
Mel xo
I have a question. From what I observe, the former narc in my life IS acting from the “beingness” of I Want Money and I Want Sex and he gets it. Lots of it! He doesn’t care about anything else. I guess I’m wondering that if I want money to not just survive, which is where I am, I should focus the way a narc does on money. Sex is different, I want intimacy. Intimacy, I believe is something I create with myself before I can have it with someone else. Intimacy is not expecting the person I would like intimacy with to meet any of my needs or wants (financial). We share something, whether that is pleasurable or a growing experience where we both take responsibility for our own emotions. I’ve been confused about this for some time. I don’t really need all the physical things a narc believes they have to have. I’m just wondering if I have real needs like getting a broken tooth fixed if I should focus on money they way a narc does to meet these needs?
Hi Sara,
this is a wonderful question and I am so pleased you asked it.
There is an enormous difference from having your ‘beingness’ with Source – or having your ‘beingness’ with ego. The narcissist is not connected with Source – he is conducting his life through a False Self (ego).
So what occurs for him is this extremely unpleasant, addictive and painful life journey….
NAMELY – ‘I feel empty, worthless and powerless and NEED to get ‘stuff’ from the outside to TRY to feel acceptable, worthy and whole’…
Then what happens is the narc frenetically chases external power like a drug addict requiring heroin.
He gets a hit of sex or money and gets temporary relief from the agony of inner emptiness.
Then the inner emptiness comes back again – worse this time…because each time the addiction is used as the substitute for connection to Source / Self the inner spirit dies just that little bit more…
So now MORE is needed to try to escape the pain…
Now it MAY happen or it MAY not – (depending on the ability for the environment to hand over sex or money at that time)…and if not forthcoming the narcissist is in AGONY and going through incredible emotional pain…
Because the need becomes more and more frantic for sex and money (get external power to try to compensate for inner powerlessness) – the narcissist sells his soul more and more. Like a drug addict crawling on a carpet sniffing up the left over crumbs the narcissist will stoop lower and lower to get his fix.
Tell more lies to get sex and money. Not have safe sex.Not care about the consequences to others. Make ‘dodgy’ sexual choices and create unscrupulous business deals..
The narcissist has sold out his self-worth, dismantled his soul and is TOTALLY controlled by the outside drug of sex or money that he can NEVER get enough of in order to feel WHOLE genuinely or on a consistent basis…
WHO ON EARTH would want that level of ‘beingness’?
That is hell on earth – not evolved and all about complete disintegration of self..
Which at the end of the day is EXACTLY how all narcs end up. I have never heard one story about a narc at their end of their journey not suffering incredible loss and misery – completely back at square one and having nothing left other than to confront their True Self – which was avoided their entire life.
That is when they discover the truth – that NO amount of external power seeking works – it was all an illusion.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Wow Mel, that was an amazing and intense explanation of the downward spiral that is at work in chronic unhealthy narcissism.
You really helped me understand the way this really works which is actually very alarming but the truth of it is also enlightening.
It really does explain why narcissism gets worse as the person cursed with the disorder gets older.
It seems to me that a codependent and someone who is N abused can fall into this spiral as well. Using said dependency as a drug, having someone take care of them instead of becoming financially independent.
This I think is usually out of fear (correct me if I’m wrong) but the result can be the same.
I still can’t completely get a handle on the difference though, because I am guilty of not acting toward independence. I know there is a self confidence issue which became a comfort zone issue.
I still wrestle with the question of whether I am an N because of these issues within myself. Yes I’m conscious of my stuff, but things aren’t changing because I’m not making them change.
I remember hearing Sam Vaknin talk about inverted narcissism on one of his videos. Is this what could be happening here? Maybe you could clarify the difference between the N and someone affected by an N who after being abused behaves in certain ways like an N?
Hi Luann,
In many ways you are 100% correct – the FEELINGS of pain and emptiness and even intense panic of the addictive state of needing something outside of self can be incredibly identical for a narcissist and a co-dependent.
The more ANYONE is disconnected from their Source Self and the more the ego (fear and survival programs) are running the show, the more insecure, powerless and emotionally agonised a person feels.
This is what I explain time and time again – THAT in itself is NOT narcissistic – it is INNER DISCONNECTION.
What IS narcissistic is pathological methods to gain narcissistic supply – the ability to be malicious without conscience, and complete irreverence and the inability to be accountable, take responsibility, grow, heal or evolve.
THAT is the defining factor. Therefore the symptoms that BOTH narcs and co-dependents have is the SAME – but the real question is – ‘What is the behaviour used to offset the pain?’
Narcissists clearly step over the line – they sell their soul – regularly, purposefully and they simply do not care…they have long accepted ‘whatever it takes to get narc supply is fair game’.
Narcs are frauds, phonies, and fakes and they KNOW this. Everyone else is an object positioned to serve the False Self and narcs KNOW that.
That model is NOT a co-dependent.
I hope this helps Luann.
Mel xo
Also Luann,
truly please if there is anything I have missed, or you still have some confusion around this please ask – it is a question that may be pertinent for many people.
Mel xo
I have struggled with the same question Sara.
My ex focused his entire life on getting revenge on me when I left him and after 9 years got it and got our son away from me too. In the dark moments the question comes up – why would the universe grant him such power through his focus. He destroyed me and he didnt want our son, just to get him away and he has made him narc now too thanks to his abuse.
While I have always wanted love after never getting it my whole life but it has not come. Thanks to Mel I can see what extreme codependency I have always battled without really knowing what I was fighting. Its hard to see what the point of so much suffering is and why only the NARC gets his way but I suppose it had to happen for the learning to begin
Hi TJ,
In regard to narcs his ‘focus’ of creating destruction can only match up with another victim. We need to understand that people who maim feel incredible VULNERABLE and VICTIMISED.
All victims are damaged by other victims – it is an energectic match.
It is no different to angry drivers attracting each other on roads in droves – wheras people who are non-affected by angry drivers, and do not hand their power over to them (grant them emotional energy) do not attract them into their experience – they are bypassed in favour energetically for other angry drivers.
If you go deeply into Roazanne’s story (because hers is a powerful example) – WHEN you do the healing work on yourself to be emotionally liberated then the abuse and victimisation he did / does will no longer exist in your experience.
The Universe is COMPLETELY loving and unconditional – therefore whatever ANY vibration someone offers ranging from LOVE through to egoic destruction will be granted by Life… and the corresponding people, situations and events will be lovingly supplied – and of course they WILL be a match…
Know this – when anyone chooses fear instead of love it damages their inner spirit – and takes them away from self-love and inner peace (connected to Oneness) towards self-loathing and more painful energising of their self-annihilating ego.
Don’t envy the ex-narc.
So how do we change our life experience? Do the inner work in order to liberate ourself emotionally, so that we are NO longer a match from what we DON’T want – and change our vibrational / emotional offering from our entire ‘beingness’ in life.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
For some reason, I’ve never felt I really had permission to love myself. I know so many others who feel this way too. What is is about our societies that somehow makes it good to think “lowly” of ourselves ,as though that is a virtue?
Certainly, conceit is the extreme of this, but healthy self-esteem is HEALTHY! And a poor self-esteem is UN-HEALTHY as we are learning in your wonderful articles. And for me, the super unhealthy way I have viewed myself has been to the extent that I have spent a lifetime rejecting my very self. I know I am not alone. How tragic.
And, I really, really agree that NOT loving ourselves and NOT viewing ourselves as the beautiful and valuable creations that we are is the main reason we treat others(and ourselves) so poorly. We are, I guess, victims of each others’ pain. We are acting and re-acting out of our brokenness and all the lies we have believed about ourselves.
Although I still have a long way to go to realize the goal of truly and completely loving and accepting myself (flaws, weaknesses, failures, warts and all!) I am so very encouraged by all of the truth you share in these articles. Yippie for TRUTH!
And I hope as the lifelong journey of learning to love myself unfolds, I will, as you are, Melanie, bring along as many other weary souls as I can to find this freedom and joy too.
We were meant to be free and to function in life out of wholeness and peace. May it be so!!
Hi Patti,
your post is so wonderful and aware…in SO many ways.
Correct there is a huge difference between False Ego ‘I have a big opinion of myself’ and being settled in the knowing of our Source Self.
The first example is a little, needy, insecure self trying to gain approval and signifcance from the outside and blocking that genuine inner being connection…
It is so true that narcissists and co-dependents have all been playing out a painful dance of self-rejection – being disconnected from Who We Are is the ONLY reason for anything less than love and the flow of wellbeing that is the real truth of life..
So true Patti, we are meant to be free – everything else is ‘unnatural’ and the disconnection from our True Self is imminently painful…because it is unnatural.
Thank you for your marvellous post 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you, Mel. Your information always helps. I know when I am honest with myself that my frustration is about me. I appreciate your response.
Hi Sara,
you are welcome, and I am so pleased that helped.
Here is something for you to consider – Law of Attraction works in every area of our life including what ‘thoughts’ and ‘concepts’ we have avaliable to us.
Because you are still stuck in pain – the thoughts you have about ‘what happened to you’ may have a limited range including thoughts of victimisation and powerlessness.
When you work directly on your vibration to heal your inner parts and belief systems THEN because your point of attraction has changed – shifted upwards and created ‘space’ (losing the denseness of the pain) you NOW have access to much higher vibrational thoughts, concepts and feelings about ‘what happened to you’…
That is where relief, healing and evoluion is..
Hence why everything changes is we make the change first.
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
such an interesting article once again. I was so amazed when my meditation teacher started talking about quantum mechanics today and how 1% of us is atoms and the rest is spirituality, I could not believe myself! such a perfect timing. When you realise the spiritual part of yourself,it opens up your mind so much and gives new perspectives and views on life. Pain from the past now seems so small, you start enjoying being in a present moment and looking forward to the future.I bought the book you recommended in your last post and cannot wait to start reading it!
Hannah
Hi Hannah,
Isn’t it wonderful when everything ‘lines up!’. There is such joy and growth in synchronicity and observing there is a deep resonance operating in all of life 🙂
It is very true how small, limited and constricted life is when we simple view it through the smalll self – and such wonder and expansion when we shift into alignment with the larger self.
I am so glad you enjoyed the article, ordered Joe’s book and that you are looking forward to expanding.
Mel xo
Wow Mel! I have been on NARP and have had remarkable breakthroughs in the past! This muscle test really works! I answered ‘yes’ to all the questions relating to supporting and loving myself….my mind was finally out of it! I have kept no contact and still desire to, I trust myself more, I take better care of myself physically and I continue to do my work. I did it! I feel like I have finally arrived at success! The things I used to look to for love and acceptance are gone from me. I love spending time with myself now and I have much stronger boundaries in place that I actually keep! I’m so excited. Thank you for sharing your work!
Hi Andrea,
That is so wonderful that you have broken through and reprogrammed so much or yourself..
That is SUCH gorgeous freedom, space and liberating – well done Andrea!
Mel xo
Very interesting and I will be buying the book. I have been thinking less and feeling more which really does feel like it is the right way. It feels more natural than being weighed down by our overthinking minds. Quanta Freedom in NARP is the key, as each time I feel a shift take place, I feel like I have done a round of yoga, my body feels lighter and my mind is quieter.
I am still experiencing the heart racing and anxiety with things happening on the outside but no where near as much as before. It passes more quickly and before I started NARP the pain and uneasiness within me, would stay with me for hours. Now I write down what I am feeling in a journal (always close by) and go and try to find out why and clear it). Little by little I am becoming freer from the addiction of running on adrenaline.
Wonderful work Mel, thank you again. xxoo
Hi Jac,
the journey is so much about getting out of our mind, and connecting in our body to the Oneness that is our source of flow, wellbeing and ‘more authentic self’.
None of that connection exists through the egoic mind – which holds us apart from ‘the field’ as well as our own self-love and inner being.
You aree on the right track totally – by acknowledging the pain, getting to the bottom of it, transforming it and becoming more and more free and less and less constricted.
An affirmation I love to feel safe and solid is ‘Life grants me love and prospertity wherever I turn. Everything I need comes to me effortlessly. I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams.’
(After clearing all resistance with QFH this affirmation resonates beautifully if your body is OPEN).
You are so welcome Jac…
Mel xo
A Q Mel, how do I put an image in the blue box on left of the comments?
Oops Jac,
I am not technical re this….I will ask my boy!
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie!
But excuse me for asking this, i didn’t get what are the “survival programs” that you keep refering to?
thanks,
Hi Daisy,
Survival programs are the fear and the pain of the egoic mind. All of these come from data obtained in the past -and have painful thoughts and emotions connected to them.
We can’t create new expereinces in the future when we are still anchored in our survival programs – the painful emotions connected to the past.
The ‘pain’ of the egoic mind is – I don’t have something in my life that could make me feel loveable, whole and worthy, and the ‘fear’ is that anything I may be able to create from outside of myself to feel better could turn out false or be taken away from me.
I highly recommend reading Ekhart Tolle’s books – The Power of Now and New Earth to really get a handle on the egoic / survival programs and how they hold us apart from all the good in our life .
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
Like in your case, when one loves herself, does it mean you no longer have sad days, or bad moods, or you no longer feel low energy? Is it like always being happy? What about bad events or sad days? They no longer exist?
Thanks as always,
Hi Mary,
the deal is – pain gets delivered (from an outside trigger or an emerging internal emotion) if I still have existing painful false belief systems about myself, life and others.
So to answer your question – after doing an extensive, intensive journey of meeting my painful emotions and defunct inner belief systems these incidents are rare, and always welcomed – because I know that if I go WITHIN and find this component of myself that is hurting and then transform it – I get to liberate another false belief system which has held my life back from operating and flowing as it truly can.
So – what this means is the very definition of life changes…from victimhood and unconsciousness – to growth, evolution and freedom…And from that vantage point there is no ‘bad’ or ‘sad” – just pointers and experiences to self-reflect take full responsibility for and grow more – and create a more fulfilling inner and outer life experience.
That truly is what loving oneself is – dedicating to the inner journey – not as punishment or hard work or because there is something ‘wrong’…but because of genuinely wanting to support and love ourself instead of the incredible self-judgement, disowning and self-abuse we were taught by life to inflict on ourself mentally and emotionally.
Then life changes beyond description.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
That was beautifully explained and feels very authentic, thank you indeed.
But you seem like a professional and as you’ve described the process “extensive and intensive”, how can normal people transform without having the wealth of tools and experiences that you’ve accumulated? How can “simple” people awaken without access and understanding of this deep knowledge and tools?
Hi Mary,
I am glad that made sense to you.
I am not a professional – much of my work is channelled / self-taught, as well as assisted by knowledge / books etc…
The truth is I am no different or better than anyone. I was simply a woman in deep pain who realised and accepted I was the creator of my reality from the inside out…and that I needed to heal myself.
Because I had such a deep yearning to be free, evolve, heal and grow I searched, I asked the Universe for ‘the way’…my heart yearned for it.
And gratefully I was delivered EXACTLY the experiences (2 x narc abuse) to reflect to me what I needed to heal within myself.
For everyone who dearly wishes to be free of their limited self, and who takes responsibility – the ‘way’ appears – always…Because it is meant to. And then the choice is up to us whether or not we commit to loving and healing ourself, or we remain separated from Source and ourself. Do we close the gap? Or do we stay stuck?
I agree with you on this – without the deeper transformational tools it would have taken me 50 lifetimes (at least) to clear this stuff and be free of the pain of my limited self. It needed profound, powerful and direct solutions – and I am so blessed I discovered them.
Again – I was meant to – none of it was ‘random’ or a ‘coincidence’ because my desire and commitment was absolute.
To me nothing is as important as overcoming certain aspects of ourself – because our entire life is affected by those parts and our Source Self is TRULY who we are – and the glory of living.
When we are there then not only do we shine that light within ourself, we shine it on everyone and everything in our life.
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie.
I don’t know why i always tend to find these types of articles hard to comprehend. Especially the “physical” aspect which you’ve tried to explain, like when you said “If we were to conclude that the greater part of you (by far) is unseen (space that contains ‘consciousness’) could we conclude that it is actually your vibration (level of consciousness – your ‘beingness’) which creates your ‘seen’ physical experiences?” – I couldn’t understand the physical experience part. And paragraphs like “It is scientifically proven that in beta brainwave there is much less clarity than when we are in the much calmer, centred and connected space of low range beta or alpha brain wave.”
It’s always like when I read books like “a new earth” it just makes me more confused and frustrated 🙁
Hi Abeer,
are you venting or would you like some further explanation or a suggestion to move past this block?
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie! A suggestion would be very much helpful.
Truly thanks for your kindness. I didn’t want to burden you. It’s a first for me to know someone through a website who’s always genuinely willing to support without a cost.
Hi Abeer,
with ‘the way we are’ (aspects of ourself) if we say “I don’t like this…” and “Why am I like this?”…and “What is going on?”..is the first step – realising there is some aspect of ourself (no outer pointing fingers) that we want to change…
That part you have right IF that is what you are doing….
Now you have to get the answer by going to WHERE the answer is…
The answer is ALWAYS an emotional belief system…it is something INSIDE your subconscious cellular body as an unhealed emotional wound…
So no matter how many times you ‘ask’ and ‘sumise’ and ‘try to get outside answers’ you will only be guessing, come up short and find no way to actually locate it FOR REAL, let alone change it…
Sooo….This is what you need to do – FEEL into the pain of ‘not comprehending’ and then deeply ask yourself ‘Why am I struggling to?” and open up into deeply FEELING into the answer…
Then you will have ‘inner-sight’ – TRUE insight into what it is.
Only YOU can do that – because it is YOUR inner limiting belief system…
As an intuitive guess somewhere you were told ‘You don’t get it”…”You are not smart”…or some other limiting damaging message that you took on and subconsciously absorbed as true about you…
But TRULY only YOU can work that our for sure by going within and listening deeply to yourself.
Mel xo
i can’t thank you enough..
Beautiful indeed and very genuine.
Albeer, it is hard to understand for me too. But I keep trying.
Melanie,
I loved your answer to Mary.
What I’m trying to do is ‘feel’ what you say as opposed to ‘think’ about what you say. That’s a big challenge for me because my thoughts always intervene. But trying and working on myself to feel and not think feels like the right thing to do, although it is very hard for me. I’m not used to it. Im used to thinking about what i feel and trying to sort it out that way.
So, today I tried it: i was thinking about certain things that I thought i had lots of pain about, but then when I tried to feel it in my body, I no longer thought it was that painful any more. I will keep trying this any time a painful thought will arise, because what I did before, trying to think positive thoughts, is just not working. Thank you.
Hi Jane,
That is great the answer to Mary resonated with you!
We are often programmed into negative ways of thinking – because that is how life and ourself have ‘become’ as a result of pain and fear and being attached to our ego…
Painful thoughts are products of painful false emotional belief systems, and painful emotional belief systems are further solidified as a result of painful thinking (egoic identification)…
It is a viscious cycle, and one that is hard to get out of…
I certainly never would have if I didn’t have access to deeper energetic transformational tools that worked directly on the painful emotional beliefs in the subconscious…
The truth is ‘liberation’ only occurs when your subconscious mind (which in fact is your cellular body) is freed from the junk and toxicity of pain and fear…
That is WHEN you can think and feel in new ways.
Have you tried QFH (in NARP) to make this process so much easier?
Mel xo
Dear Mel,
I have NARP but struggling to find the time, and maybe , when im completely honest, i admit to myself I’m afraid to find the time, to do the moduls to release all the junk and start over.
But I do try to implement your teachings, which I find very inspirational, on a daily basis, and already noticed things changing, little by little. I did only one module so far, the first one, couple of weeks ago, which had left me in deep thoughts and the more I thought about what I tried to release, the more I realized that I tried to release pain over an issue that wasn’t such a paunful issue for me anymore. It was quite a revalation. So, I’m planning on doing module 1 again to work on two other issues that I was able to admit to myself I had to work on, after doing module 1 and realizing that what I thought was painful, really wasnt that painful anymore.
Every day I tell myself ill go back to the modules but procrastinate again and again.
Thank you for being available to support when I have questions; i emailed you couple of times under a different name and you were there for me, telling me to ask myself where i feel the pain in my body. I’m very grateful for that advise, and visualize myself comforting myself, as if I was a baby. You said in one of your ebooks (‘how to allign your emotions with logic’) another thing that resonated with me: we can all imagine someone we tried to comfort and console (it would be baby or a small child for me). Now I’m trying to imagine myself in that position giving myself the love I’m finding so easy to give to others. I so agree with you that this is the first step in pain release. To love myself during my pain, even when I’m ashamed of it. I used to skip this process completely, and go immediately to thinking the ‘right thoughts’ about this pain, analyzing and trying to do something about it. But this just didn’t help, at all!! So thanks again, and I keep promising myself ill go back to the moduls. Rozzane did it at 4:00 am (i read her story on your blog) so I know I have no reason not to but just need to reach that within me and do it.
Hi Jane,
yes you really have answered all of this for yourself – it is about dedication to your inner self…
You can also see that ‘admitting to yourself’ is the first step. How can you acknowledge something, go to it and heal it if we don’t own it first?
The truth is we can’t – and then we are simply doomed to recreate it over and over again until we FINALLY get real with and meet ourself.
And anything that you are disowning because of deep feelings of shame – means you will simply re-create more and more experiences to feel deeply ashamed about. Keeping that junk in your body and avoiding self-love and self-acceptance is simply signing up for a self-fulfilling prophecy, and then having to create more elaborate defence mechanisms and self-avoidance tactics to try to cover up, avoid and hide MORE pain and shame…That is an incredibly exhausting way to live…
‘Transforming self’ makes so much more sense!
You are very welcome re my support…
I am so pleased you know what you need to do…now all you need to do is LOVE YOURSELF enough to DO it! 🙂
Mel xo
I have ordered the books, am working on Quanta freedom heal sessions, focus on me and no more self denial….Becoming more efficient at work…small steps but taking all of them in…!
Hi Rachel,
this is fantastic news!!
Great job 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Melanie
Here’s the link to Sabrina Rebers blogspot “How to raise your vibration”. Enjoy! You guys are so on the same page…..
http://howtoraiseyourvibration.blogspot.co.nz/
HI Anna,
thank you so much for this – I had a read last week – and I agree Sabrina’s stuff is exactly aligned with my ideas!
She is a lovely writer with a wonderful mission!
Mel xo
Hi Mel
I feel the truth of what you say in this article profoundly. I have a question – is it possible to feel any compassion at all for the ex narc? If you are ressonating at a high level you would no longer feel threatened by him. Could the state of positivity that you are experiencing extend to the narc himself? I ask because I don’t want to fall into the same trap I did the last time I left the narc which resulted in me going back to him.
Clare
Hi Clare,
I am glad this article resonated…
Yes there is the ability to do this – narcs just like us are victims of victims – and the sad thing is – the False Self is the master making it virtually impossible to heal, and that is incredibly tragic for them.
This takes a deep level of your own healing – so that you can feel compassion – but not feel responsible for trying to heal or fix the narcissist.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
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Mel xo
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I have had some incredible shifts with the QH. something always happens to me unexpectidly without my approval. I will be going along and something happens and I sink into a black hole, then it takes me everything to get out, it happens over and over, no matter what I do. Do you have any insight? thank you so much
Hi Catherine,
I would really recommend you see a homeopath – people who have to continually work and work and work on themselves just to stay ‘normal’ can really benefit from homeopathic healing / support.
Some people have ingrained miasms which can be treated homeopathically and this can make all the difference.
Seek a classically trained homeopathist who deals in miasms – it may be well worth your time to do this.
This is what I ‘get’ intuitively for you.
I hope this suggestion helps.
Mel xo
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