Sometimes circumstances make it extremely difficult to leave the narcissist straight away, initiate No Contact and start healing.
In a situation where the victim relies on the narcissist financially it can be very difficult to get out on your own without knowing how you will be able to support yourself, and maybe your children as well.
or…
When the sufferer feels so powerless and distraught, it is nearly impossible to imagine being able to have the strength and energy to go through the ordeal of separating and creating a new life.
So can you heal from narcissistic abuse while still living with the narcissist?
This is a question I get very frequently from the community and today I wanted to share a story that shows that it is possible.
In Kayla’s fascinating story you will hear how she began recovering from narcissistic abuse while still living with the narcissist – so that she could build the confidence and strength to leave.
Now only 6 months after a 33 year marriage Kayla is excited about her life, free and happier than ever.
It truly warms my heart!
In this show Kayla also shares vital tips as to how she managed to keep working on the modules of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, despite still living with her husband.
You can read the transcript of the show below…
Kayla could you please share your story?
I am so excited to share my story of hope, and one of empowerment after living a 33 year marriage with a narcissist. I want others to know it is possible to find strength and self-worth while in the midst of a relationship that is harmful and damaging. I am proof that the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program can help a person find the strength within to change their life in a positive, wonderful way.
My story actually began when I was 13 months old. This was the month my Mom was granted a divorce from our father. She told him she never wanted to see him in our lives again. This was in the 1960’s when divorce was rare, and I grew up believing there was something wrong with my family, as we were the only children in our school who were being raised by a single mother. I resented being singled out when other girls brought their fathers to the school. When I was 7 years old, my self-esteem plummeted when I came to the conclusion I had been abandoned by my father. I decided that when I got married, I was not going to let my children go thru this stigma.
Fast-forward to me being 19 years old. I returned home for the summer from University and was looking to have fun. I met a new guy at a dance through a mutual friend. He was SO different from any other guys I knew. He was 2 years older than I was, and seemed to have his life and future mapped out. He showed me his impressive 4×4 pickup. He told me about the Logging Truck he owned, as well as his 160 acres where he was going to build a house. He was tall, dark and handsome, didn’t smoke cigarettes as all of my other boyfriends had, and I was hooked right from the start.
He asked me on a date for the following weekend and I jumped at it. We met at a local restaurant. He told me I was the cutest, happiest girl he knew, and explained how he had broken up during the week with his last girlfriend because he was so drawn to me. I felt flattered and important. I wanted to spend all my time with him. He craved to be with me too, and made a big issue of taking me to spend the weekend at his parent’s house after only knowing me for 3 weeks.
We spent hours talking and many red flags were raised but I was too naïve to notice. He told me he came from a dysfunctional split family. He talked of how none of his siblings got along because his parents differentiated between ‘my kids, your kids and our kids’. He sounded resentful when he talked how his parents refused to blend all the kids into one family. He shared about his older brothers ‘hating’ him, and would describe the torture they would inflict, including one brother shooting him with a twenty-two rifle through the arm, when he was about 12. He spoke loyally of his dad, but sounded disgusted when he talked of his mom, by emphasizing the word ‘Mother’ and never calling her Mom. He always spoke of what a nasty greedy person she was. He talked of having to sleep outside in the dog house when his dad was away from home. I felt sorry for him and the childhood he’d had.
After dating for one month, he asked me to marry him. By that time, I believed in ‘Love at first sight’, and said yes. 4 months after meeting, we were married. What I didn’t realize at the time, was this is how quickly a narcissist attaches to a partner.
My University schooling was abandoned because I was in Love. We spent hours talking about our future, and I was sure we had covered all the bases. We agreed that divorce was not an option, as we had both grown up in broken families and didn’t want to inflict that pain on our children. I was determined I was going to live my perfect dream at all costs, not realizing how deeply this promise to myself was going to root. I told myself that God had brought my husband to me, and that to stay true to my religious beliefs, I had to stay with him ‘till death do us part’.
The first year of our marriage I was blind to many things. I ignored how dilapidated our old house trailer was. I overlooked the point my in-laws lived next door, and the fact my husband brought his paycheque home and gave it to his mother. I questioned his reasoning as to why I had to get grocery money from her, but my husband discounted my complaint, saying that’s the way his family operated and I needed to accept it.
When did the obvious bad behaviour start?
By the time I had been married 2 years, we moved up a steep hill to a tiny little house on the 160 acres. In the winter my husband’s job took him away for weeks at a time, so I became dependant on my in-laws to drive me around because my car couldn’t make it up the incline. I was totally isolated, in a home with no running water. My source of water was 6 kilometers away at my in-laws. I would melt snow if I ran out of water.
This was the beginning of the crazy making. My husband fought with my brother, to keep him away from me. He would criticize my family to the point I would believe his version, as he would repeat it over and over. I became isolated from my family, but dependant on his. He pushed away all my friends by condemning them to their face, yet with a plausible excuse to me. He always told me we were broke, although he had his own logging truck and cows on the farm. Most of the time I barely had enough money to buy groceries.
One time he refused to replace the worn out brakes on my car. He told me to drive it because he couldn’t afford to fix it, and I complied. Another time I was driving to town when the engine started smoking. I was visiting my mom and she insisted I phone my husband. I was scared to call him because I knew he would get mad, but I called him anyway. When he arrived to help me, I could see a cold angry look in his eyes. He asked me to follow him while he drove to the auto wrecker. I thought he was going to buy some used parts to fix it. Instead, he sold it to them for $50, saying “There I fixed it. It’s theirs now, not yours”. I was completely stranded without a vehicle.
Then the fighting between my husband and the neighbors started. The fault, according to my husband, was always the other person, yet the police showed up at our door multiple times with legal papers, telling him to show up in court for something that he was accused of. The fighting escalated with objects of ours getting destroyed while we were away, and we had pets injured. I became terrified our children would become a target, so after being married to him for 6 years I found the courage to leave and move to town.
I swallowed my pride and went to the Social Service office, as I had no money. They helped me with rent money and groceries. I knew I would have to get a job, as I didn’t want to rely on Social Assistance. I enrolled in a course entitled, ‘Women in Non Traditional Trades’, which included training in welding, plumbing, and electrical, as well as assertiveness training. This helped enormously as my self-worth was very low. I began to flourish.
Then like so many of us – you did take him back. What happened next?
Within 4 months, my husband followed me to town, seemingly sincere when he asked if he could move back in with me. It was a chance to start over, so I relented. We bought a little fixer upper house on 5 acres. He seemed happy while we worked on the renovations. I thought finally we were on our way to mutual happiness.
I got a job in the Forest industry. My income was high enough I could enroll our kids in sports and music. I was so proud when I watched them perform, yet my husband would get annoyed when I insist he go watch them at their competitions. He would be irritated with me, and then critical with them afterwards. I noticed he was getting increasingly bad-tempered with them so I was always trying to smooth things over, constantly reminding my kids to be extra good so he wouldn’t get mad. If he was annoyed, I would tell the kids to stay away from him. It seemed like none of us could keep him happy for long, before he would explode in a tirade, criticizing what we were doing, or blaming us if things went wrong.
After a few years, he decided he wasn’t happy with only having 5 acres. He told me it was too boring because there wasn’t enough to do. I explained repeatedly that I was happy where we lived; I liked the neighborhood and I had close friends but he disregarded what I said. He started telling me it was MY fault that we had moved to town, and MY fault we weren’t living someplace where he’d be happy. He started threatening me that he would move us to a different province, away from all my friends, my family and familiar places. He then came up with a new idea. If I could talk my mom into letting us build a house on her ranch property, he wouldn’t make us move away.
I was adamantly against the idea of moving out to my family’s ranch, because it was an hour drive to town, plus another 30 minutes to my job site. There was no phone service and my family had long since left and moved to town. The nearest neighbor was 5 kilometers away. I remembered how he had isolated me the last time we lived out of town. However, he kept threatening me with abandonment if I didn’t comply with asking my Mom if we could build a house there. Because of my need to keep my family intact, I grudgingly agreed, although I hoped she would refuse. She said yes. I told him that if he really wanted to move us there, he had to build a house of my design.
We sold our small house for enough profit, that we could build my dream home. We constructed a beautiful house on a small rise overlooking the fields and mountains. The only thing wrong with the view was that we could see my mom’s vacant house trailer and the barn that needed a new roof. My husband came up with a plan. He needed to erase evidence that my family had once lived there.
One day when I was away at work, he contacted someone he knew who was interested in my mom’s trailer. Without asking my mom or telling me, he had the trailer hauled away for free. I came home from work and it had disappeared! Whatever my mom still had stored inside was gone. My husband was elated. I had the unfortunate job of letting her know her trailer had vanished. She was devastated as there were memento’s inside which she hadn’t moved to town. My husband justified it to me by saying it was ugly and in the way.
The next thing on his agenda was to get rid of the log barn. One afternoon he got some matches and burned it down. Again, I had to sugar coat my husband’s actions. I felt I couldn’t speak against him because he would get so furious at me, and I completely feared his anger.
His superiority began to kick in as he got compliments on how we were improving the look of the farm. He would gloat on how our place was nicer than anyone else’s in the community and he would brag that the neighbors were jealous. He started buying bigger and better equipment, and more property without listening to my concerns about paying for it. It became my ‘job’ to make sure the money was there for the payments. He would blame me and get mad if I insisted we didn’t have the money to buy the things he wanted. I accepted I must be the problem because I did the bookkeeping.
What was his relationship like with your children?
During this time, his relationship with our teenage children was awful. He would threaten them with forcefulness if they didn’t do things exactly how he wanted, yet he refused to teach them to do it his way. Nevertheless they tried to please him, though they seldom could succeed. He would criticize most things they did. He refused to use praise. He put them down personally and constantly implied their school work was terrible. He explained to me this was the way to raise kids. He always stated that I wasn’t parenting properly when the kids and I would laugh and have fun. I would catch myself doubting my ability to be a good mom.
Our daughter became depressed at 15 after a confrontation with her dad and was hospitalized, for 2 months, in a hospital 2 ½ hours away from our home. She had no self-esteem left. I took a leave of absence from my job and went to visit her every day. Her dad only went 1 time because I insisted he go. I felt numb, knowing I should leave my husband, yet didn’t know how I could while I was dealing with her illness. He was constantly badgering me about her faults. I would take her side, but he ignored me. He refused to take any responsibility for the fact his actions were instrumental in her feelings of low self-worth. He blamed me and her social life for her problems.
With our son, who was always trying to please his dad, he was even worse in his blame and accusations. Our son would eat food to hide his emotions. His dad bossed him around and continuously criticized him. I would stand up for our son, pointing out his good points, but my husband would degrade me with his comments. Then I would get the silent treatment for days.
Your tried many things to try to make him happier – can you explain what you tried?
I would cook his favorite desserts and meals, or clean up his shop trying to please him. I always thought I must be the problem, yet I couldn’t figure out what would make him stop being so angry.
I thought if I lost weight he would be happy. I worked really hard and lost 50 pounds. I felt thin for the first time in my life. I was constantly getting noticed, complimented and flattered by other men. I bought new clothes and looked great, but my husband would never tell me I looked pretty. Instead, he would tell me I was too skinny and needed to gain weight. He said he hated touching me when he could feel my bones. I was crushed, as I desperately wanted him to tell me I was the most beautiful woman in his eyes. He absolutely refused to compliment me. When I would ask him if he thought I looked nice, he would answer with “I wouldn’t be with you if I thought you were ugly”.
The poor behaviour continued after your children left home… please elaborate on this.
After our children left home he needed to change his tactics as he was no longer getting constant narcissistic supply. He started pushing boundaries with the neighbors, both positive and negatively. He would become friendly with some for a while, going out of the way to do nice things for them, but when they said something he didn’t agree with, or he perceived they were criticizing him, he would act wounded and become manipulative to get ‘back at them’. This might mean taking down a wire on a neighbor’s fence to let our cows through, or taking an extra bale of hay that he hadn’t bought because he thought they wouldn’t notice’. He laughed and bragged behind their backs because he felt he had ‘pulled the wool over their eyes’. He would often justify it to me by saying, ‘they are jealous of us, and they want us to fail. I need to take from them before they take from us’.
His feelings of insecurity about the neighbors became an obsession. He was certain they were purposefully plotting to steal our cows and our land. He could make his arguments sound realistic to me. However, it came to a climax when the neighbor’s bull got in with our purebred cows. He called the neighbor, who refused to haul his bull away. He informed me that the neighbor was sabotaging our livelihood, and he couldn’t let him get away with it. My husband angrily called the police and blatantly told them he was going to shoot the bull, which he did.
One week later, I came home from work to find a police car parked at the end of my driveway, with police cars surrounding my house. My husband was out haying and was unaware of what was happening. My car was immediately encircled by police cars. I could see officers with rifles walking through the trees, coming out of all the outbuildings, and I could see police officers walking inside my house. Each one carried a rifle and wore a bullet proof vest. I was terrified I was going to witness a shootout with my husband if he drove down the driveway. At one point, I watched a police officer aim a gun at my son when he drove his car up to the driveway. I was petrified when they made him leave. I was totally alone to face the ordeal. Two officers escorted me into the house to watch while they rummaged thru my dresser drawers. All our guns were lying on the floor, which I had to step over to get to the bedroom. Before they left they presented me with a search warrant to seize all our guns. I felt absolutely desecrated by the people who I thought were supposed to protect me.
After the police left, my husband came home. I tried to describe to him how terrified and furious I was by the violation, but he totally ignored me. He told me not to worry about it, the raid was not important. He forbid me to talk about it. He repeated to me that it was his right to shoot the bull because it was on our property. He kept telling me he did nothing wrong. He wasn’t upset with what I had suffered, but he was mad that his guns were gone. My feelings were not acknowledged and I went on to suffer from doctor diagnosed post-traumatic stress. I still can’t see a police car today without starting to shake.
I was summoned to the ensuing court case with my name being listed as an offender due to some of the guns being registered in my name. The police wanted to ensure my husband not have access to firearms as this was the 3rd weapon infraction he’d had during our married life. They knew they had to ban me from owning guns, in order to keep him away from them. I was mortified, as I had an impeccable record, and was always law abiding. I now have a ban on owning firearms, and my husband got off with a slap on the wrist in the form of a fine. My husband was ecstatic because he thought he had the upper hand over the judicial system and the neighbor. He was also happy I was equal to him with a criminal record, even though I had not been involved at all.
I felt defeated. My good name was tarnished, the friends I had made over the last several years abandoned me because they didn’t trust my husband and I felt truly alone. Derogatory words were written on signs leading to our ranch. I couldn’t hold my head up when I went to town. I looked downward, fully ashamed of myself because I kept standing by a man who had no respect for others or for me. I felt like a failure. My feelings for staying as a family seemed to override all my common sense. I began to binge on food and drink alcohol to numb my mind.
I recognized I needed to do something to get myself out of the slump I was in, so I decided to work on my long abandoned University degree. I was elated when I got all A’s for my grades, even though my life was a mess.
Then my son got very sick from a leg infection and was hospitalized for a month, with the threat of losing his leg or losing his life. I spent hours by his bedside, studying while he was sleeping. His dad refused to go see him, with the excuse he was too busy, and boldly stated it was my son’s fault he got an infection because he didn’t look after himself properly.
My son was hospitalized 3 more times in the next year. I became despondent with worry about my son, my studies, and my increasing anger towards my husband as well as the effects of the post-traumatic stress. I felt myself emotionally spiralling downwards into a depression. I started drinking and eating more, and developed the occasional bulimic episode, where I would purge all the food I consumed. Even though I purged, I began to gain weight, which increased my self-loathing.
There came the turning point when you finally realised he was a narcissist – how did this come about?
Before I had a chance to emotionally recover, our son was involved in a vehicle accident where another person was responsible for driving their car into our son’s logging truck. Instead of going to our son’s defence, my husband immediately blamed our son for the crash, yelling and screaming at him without asking about the particulars.
This was the catalyst I needed to begin my search for answers to my husband’s behavior. I Googled “Fathers who intentionally hurt their children”. I was shocked when I read about narcissistic fathers, because my husband fit the criteria. I started researching and reading everything I could about narcissists. I was stunned when I read about Trauma Bonding, and Stockholm syndrome because I could identify, through experience, with them. I read all Sam Vaknin’s articles about being a narcissist, and I truly knew my husband was identical.
Thru my investigation Melanie, I was led to your website and felt immense relief. I devoured all of your articles. Every morning and every evening I would download one of the radio programs on healing from narcissistic abuse. I would listen while I was driving the 3 hours to and from work. I began to recognize how importantly I needed to work on myself, as I had unhealed parts that allowed me to stay attached to my husband, even though I logically knew I had to leave. I joined the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Group on Facebook and started reading the posts by other members. I read about the benefits of Quanta Freedom Healing and read that you had recorded an on-air version of the healing. I immediately searched for it, knowing intuitively it would hold an answer for me.
The next day I sat down with a pen and paper to listen to this program, and to see what I could release from my body. I was totally surprised at what I wrote down and what I set free just by doing that one session. The next day I decided to leave for work an hour earlier so I could stop at a lake and repeat the program. Again I was amazed with what I released and how good it felt. I repeated this process every day for 2 more weeks. I started to feel stronger, but recognized I needed more specific help. I read about the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program which was created for people who had experienced narcissistic abuse and I decided, that to move forward, I needed to purchase it.
Like many other ‘thrivers’ who do break through, you dedicated yourself to NARP. Can you explain how you did this even though you were still living with him at the time?
I downloaded the program that day onto my computer, then onto my iPhone. By having it on my phone, I could listen to the modules when I was away from my house and in a place my husband wouldn’t see what I was doing. I completed the first 2 modules before I went to work while I was sitting at the lake. I loved the release I felt, and was in awe of what I was discovering about myself. However, I knew I had a lot of unraveling to do if I was to gather up my own strength. I decided to work the modules while I was driving to work, and again driving back home. I had a tablet of paper sitting on the seat beside me. I would turn on the module I wanted, focus on the words, and scribble my answers while I drove. I couldn’t always read my writing afterwards, but my body knew my intentions. This allowed me to complete 2 or 3 modules every day, repeating the ones where I continued to have charges.
I was still living with my husband, but started thinking realistically about leaving. I started implementing boundaries with him, and watching his reactions to the things I said. I was fascinated when I recognized his inability to take responsibility for anything, or to be empathetic to me. It became a game to me when I watched his responses and how he manipulated words.
Then he engaged in another cattle confrontation with the same neighbor whose bull he shot. When I confronted him about the situation, he refused to see how strongly it affected me or how it re-triggered the post-traumatic stress from the first incident. I ended up leaving because I knew I didn’t want to live his lifestyle anymore. I had gained enough self-confidence to leave and go stay with my daughter in town. I had the insight to box up and move all my important documents and sentimental objects to my daughter’s house without him seeing me.
I told him we needed to have a break away from each other for a few months. I was terrified to tell him I wasn’t planning on resuming our lives together. Daily I completed modules of the program. I felt my strength start to build, and thought I could continue having communication with him, as we owned 2 businesses together, not yet understanding the necessity for No Contact.
Then things escalated and you were severely tested…please share about what happened.
He was in the midst of narcissistic injury. The threats started, and I was in constant fear because he was threatening to burn down our house, sell all the cattle, empty the money out the business accounts, and take our son’s logging truck away so he wouldn’t have a job. I was extremely confused. Old patterns emerged in me, the ones where I believed I needed to ‘fix’ things to ‘keep me safe’. I was using the modules to clear my fear, yet not realizing that every time I engaged in contact with him I was allowing my peptide addiction to continue.
My body was giving me a warning. I would go into a panic internally when the phone would ring, in case it was him. As soon as I heard his voice I would feel scared and get shaky. He would call me during the week, knowing which subjects would trigger me to get a reaction. One weekend, during a face to face meeting I mentioned to him he should go to counselling to help him deal with his upbringing, and he exploded. He responded by throwing his TV remote, a glass, and a glass bowl across the room, breaking them against the wall. He verbally unleashed at me, yelling and screaming insults for 20 minutes. The Stockholm syndrome kicked in. I remember thinking I was indebted to him because he cared enough about me to not hit me with them!
For Christmas, my adult kids wanted to have a normal holiday at the Ranch, so I relented and agreed to spend a couple of weeks out there. It was a horrible mistake. I felt myself slipping backwards into his trap. We’d been married for 33 years, so he knew all my triggers, and what to say to control me. I fell for his antics quickly as his Hoovering was classic! He became the nicest, most considerate spouse he had ever been, doing and saying things I had been begging for since we first married.
I was hooked back in. My brain was hoping he had finally changed, but my inner being felt anxious and uneasy. He bombarded me relentlessly with his thoughts, and forced his opinions on me. My energy was quickly draining, and I was slipping back into a deep depression. I became emotionally numb and felt like a robot. I could no longer concentrate on anything. My bulimia was in full force as I was purging 20 times a day. My kids were mortified and each told me individually I needed help.
I knew I needed to break away completely from him. Daily I went to the Facebook Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Group to read everyone’s posts. I was clinging to this group as my lifeline as I felt myself spiraling downwards. Heavy feelings began permeating me, as I felt I was living 2 lives, that of wanting to hold onto my ‘past dreams’ and that of knowing I had to ‘let go’ of that dream in order to survive. I had developed the eating disorder to help me ‘cope with my pain’.
Then, as for so many of us – your breaking point came. Many people will relate to what you are about to say.
I finally hit my ‘rock bottom’, one weekend when I found myself lying on the bathroom floor at the ranch bawling, shaking and screaming that I wanted to die. I KNEW in an INSTANT that I had the ‘proof’ I needed. I must leave to save my life.
I left that day and have not returned. I immediately implemented NO Contact with him, as I knew I couldn’t allow myself to be drawn back in. I walked away from the ranch, my home and a lifetime of possessions to save my existence. Daily I completed 2 to 3 NARP modules, repeating them as I was untangling a lifetime of intertwined beliefs and attachments. I was in awe of how many of my behaviors were related to my childhood principles. I faced, then released, my unhealed parts. Melanie, I re-listened to every radio program you had recorded. I found a Theta Healing practitioner who also worked energetically with me to help me recognise and release my deep rooted beliefs.
I wrote in my journal daily all my thoughts and feelings. I realized I hadn’t honored my own morals, and felt I had truly ‘sold my soul’ to pacify my husband. The day I finally recognized it was OK to live according to MY own moral compass, was the day I vowed I would never let someone else rule my thoughts. For the first time in my life, I focused solely on me. Some days I could barely put one foot in front of the other, but I moved onward. I spent time walking outdoors in the snow looking at nature, so I could appreciate the life around me.
The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program truly saved my life. As each module helped unleash more of my inner torment, I craved to explore and release more. I could barely restrain my excitement as I wanted to keep moving forward. Every spare moment I had was spent with a pen and paper in my hand, writing and freeing myself from the negative vibrations surrounding my life. The liberation I felt is nothing short of a miracle.
I realized, thru completing the modules, the beliefs I held onto originated from my childhood and had manifested throughout my relationship. I’d had a strong fear of being abandoned, an illusion of ‘not being good enough’, and an untrue belief that marriage must last forever. Once I released these thoughts from my inner being, I have been able to let go of everything that is not a match for me.
I talk to my children about our experiences, and my Daughter sees her upbringing as a gift to becoming the compassionate, independent, educated woman she is. My Son hasn’t reached that level of acceptance yet. He has learned however, to put up boundaries in regards to his dad.
Interestingly, the Universe recently tested me to see if I have any unhealed parts concerning my ex-husband. He was hospitalized with blood clots to his heart and lungs and had to be air lifted to a large Medical Center for treatment. For legal reasons I was the one who needed to fly with him as I was the only one who could make decisions on his behalf. I agonized over this situation, as I did not want to face him. However, I knew I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t follow through on my obligations. I was required to spend 7 days at the hospital with him, in a city far from home. This was the first time I had seen him in 5 months. I am ecstatic to report that I did not get hooked back in to his ploys. I refused to look him in the eye to eliminate the possibility of getting drawn in. I held up my boundaries. I had compassion for his fear and pain yet I felt no feelings of affection or attraction towards him!
Your life is not recognisable from what it once was…how long has it taken since you started doing the inner work?
12 months ago when I first Googled ‘Narcissism’, and 9 months ago I started NARP. I was a lifeless despondent woman just beginning my journey of healing. Today, I am a vibrant happy lady who is thankful for a second chance at life. I can’t wait to get up out of bed every morning – life is truly beautiful again. I have mended the relationship with my brother, as well as friends who were waiting for me to break free. I am excited with my freedom of finally being able to be who I was meant to be. Melanie, I truly have you to thank for giving me the tools I needed to dislodge from my constant pain, and discover ME!
What message do you have Kayla for other people who may still be in their relationships with narcissists who don’t feel they have the strength or the courage to leave?
Melanie I fully know the desperate feelings a person has while still engaging in such an illogical relationship. I know it seems impossible to think of escaping the torment. However, I have a deep conviction that people are led to your website for a reason. They are meant to find the gift of reconnecting with themselves, so they can entertain the possibility of having a healthier future.
My message is to encourage others to take the time to read and listen to everything available on your website. The material will enable them to understand the reasons behind the narcissists’ crazy behaviors, they will learn ways to implement boundaries and they will acquire techniques to start building their self-esteem. They will be able to start creating small changes in their current situation. Then, if possible, they need to immerse themselves in the NARP program where their deep healing can begin.
With the program, they will have access to the Facebook Group, where all the members have undergone similar experiences, and can help new members learn to focus on themselves. The NARP program will assist each person into letting go of beliefs that have kept them tied to the narcissist. As they release these principles, they will start to gain their own internal power. As they become stronger, their strength and courage will begin to build. This will help them clearly see a way to navigate towards a new tomorrow where they are finally able to direct the destiny of their own lives.
Thanks for the listening to Kayla’s story, I hope you enjoyed it. For those of you who are still in the early stages of recovering I hope Kayla’s story inspired you in some way and showed you that no matter what the circumstance there is hope and a way to heal and create the life that you want.
Please feel free to ask Kayla or myself any questions in the comments below.
Bravo Kayla – u r indeed an inspiration Thank you for sharing ur story and helping so many! May your life continue to bring you good self love strength and joy! I know what I must do next to get there 2! Peace and blessings. Mikki
Awww…thank you for the compliment Mikki. I am still in awe in the difference that one year can make. I am definitely a different woman today, and I know that my life turned around the day I chose to focus on ME. I completely understand what Melanie means when she refers to receiving a gift after releasing from the narcissist!! Good Luck to you too 🙂 Kayla
I will go first cause i am pursuing my healing with a passion as I cant loose another minute in my blender brain…
I left the narcissist November 19th 2012 when i learned about codependency… I found Melanie the day after Superbowl February 5th 2013. However i did not start NARP till May 19th 2013.. I struggle at times really in my head, i don’t know if i can read others responses on facebook, i tried enrolling but all i receive are Melanie’s information about recent articles.. so my question is how to soon do you begin feeling whole when you start NARP…its been 24 days for me on NARP..
Thank you for sharing your story..blessings
Hi Rachel,
I am sure Kayla may comment too…
Since we have made security even tighter on the Group there have been some issues getting people in! We are sorting that out – so my apologies it hasn’t been straightforward for you.
I have sent you an email invite to come in now.
It is a personal journey for everyone on NARP.
Most definetely the more you can connect to emotions and release – the greater the shifts will be.
From viewing people working NARP it is those who really resist self-avoidance and emotional addictions and focus greatly on the inner work who get the fastest and most positive results.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie
Thank you so much for this website of yours. Whenever I feel down I visit your website to remind me over and over and over how devious their actions are. You are truly a blessing and an Angel to all of us.
Hi Nasiema,
You are very welcome.
Please understand it is also very important to look at and heal what it is within us that attracted and maintained relationships with narcissists.
Law of Attraction is as absolute as gravity…and it simply is ‘Whatever we put our attention on we receive more of”…
This is why Nasiema, it is so much more empowering to put our attention on healing ourself than simply focusing on what narcissists are and do.
That straetgy – whether we like it or not just attracts more narcissists – that we need to protect ourself from.
Self-transformation is the true healing solution…
Mel xo
Rachel, the great part about the Facebook group is that we are very encouraging….we don’t focus on the pain, as we all understand that it would be so easy to get drawn in. We really boost each other up, and give suggestions on how to move forward. Since you enrolled in NARP, you would be able to email Melanie directly at [email protected] where she will be able to help you with connecting to the facebook group, as well as any specific questions you might have. As for feeling better, it came bit by bit, every day, as I completed the Modules. Because I had been married for so long, and I had dropped so far down, I had a lot of ‘layers’ to uncover….. People started commenting how much better I was looking after about a month of NARP because I was showing more self confidence. I truly began to feel whole again after about 3 months of no contact….that’s when I could focus fully on me. Keep going forward with the program Rachel, as I know the beauty you will soon see 🙂
Kayla
Melanie, I bought the NARP in OCT and still working on it. I’ve been waiting 3-4 months to be added to the Facebook group page. I have been neither approved or denied. Could you please add me?
Hi Crystal,
I have just sent you an email invite to come in to the Group. I am so sorry this has happened – my apologies.
I could not find your original request – and you should be able to get straight in now.
Mel xo
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is so encouraging to me that it’s never too late to have a good life. I can totally relate to struggling with letting go of the “intact” family ideals. Your experience and pain, as a mother, of trying to fight for fairness and justice for your children is something I can feel to the bottom of my heart. I have been working NARP for the last few weeks and have moved forward at lightening speed. This after being stuck in the mind-space of having identified the issue with my mother and spouse but with no idea, at all, of how to move forward.
Thank you and Mel for the good you are doing.
I truly believe that it is never too late to have a good life….in fact I believe we can have a fantastic life, once we are able to release the ties to a narcissist!! NARP is an amazing program! It is such a relief when you can finally let go of beliefs that have kept you tied to situations or people that are no longer a match to who you want to be. I am so glad to hear you are on the right path Sadie 🙂 Kayla
Hi Sadie,
Thank you for your lovely post – and it is so wonderful that you are re-framing the beliefs that previously held you captive – as Kayla was too.
I am so happy for you that you are able to move forward powerfully and heal now.
You are so very welcome Sadie!
Mel xo
Thank you much for your responses Melanie and Kayla for the responses and encouragement to keep going…For me this is it…All life has brought me to this and there is no place to run or hide other than inwards!! With all my soul I believe this is the right path..Now i have to get every cell of my body to embrace the truth that my soul already knows! This is where life begins again for me.!!
thanks, and blessings to you both lovely ladies and the NARP group
Hi Rachel,
you are so welcome 🙂
I SO love that EXPRESSION! “There is no place to run or ride other than to go inwards!”
Quote of the week Rachel!!
That is perfect that your personality is determined to bring the cells of your body up to speed..
That TRULY Rachel is the entire winning combination to your wonderful life!
Mel xo
Oh wow Kayla!! Thank you for sharing your inspirational story. I can empathise with lots of your story and I am so happy to hear you have now become a thriver. It helps so many people to hear they too can come out the other side and in a relatively short time. I too believe we are brought to Melanie’s website for a reason and the tools she gives us to ‘escape’ are invaluable. Enjoy your new life. Sandra x
Thank you Sandra! I truly know that what I learned thru Melanie’s website was the catalyst I needed to enable me to move forward. I found ‘Hope’ for the first time in my married life…and ultimately the strength to move forward. I am so excited about my new life ahead! 🙂 Kayla
Dear Kayla, I am so impressed by your story, truly you are a warrior, as Pema Chodron would say! What I learn from the thriver stories is that some of the Ns behaviour was actually a red flag which I did not even realize it was. The putting down of my family, me defending them all the time and many other “little” things, alway blaming me and me trying to “get better”. From your story I can now tell that everything started a few months after meeting him, then our marriage lasted fro 12 years (his 4th, but the longest). I thought things disintegrated after he went into relapse of sex-addiction. prostitution and financial trickery. I left right away and was in shock. NARP gave me immediate relief and I am working spiritually on a daily basis hoping to educate myself and grow further in order to help others with that. My family has grown through this experience too and we are all much more open to each other. So, at the end, it was a gift, waiting to be claimed. Thank you so much for your story and your courage, I will listen to the show again and again, it always takes me longer to really take in all the subtleties. Your story shows that no case is hopeless. Big sisterly hug, Christine.
Christine, I am so touched by your comments, as the ‘crazy making’ is unreal. It is unbelievable the subtleties that enter a relationship with a narcissist…the ones where you can’t quite ‘put your finger on it’, or verbalize it. I am so glad you are working on yourself daily, as that is where each of us can find our own internal strength. I love that you are spiritually moving forward and I would be excited to hear the insights you have learned. 🙂 Kayla
Hi Kayla, here are some insights I gained: I feared abandonment, was over functioning and I had no experience with Narcs, therefore I believed his stories and helped him as much as I could. I had no way to recognise the red flags. However, my really weak spot was my fear of abandonement. I am still proud of my boundary setting, I never shared a bank account, never handed over my house and always earned my own money and had my own career but helped him with his and was instrumental in building a business for/with him. I realised from your show that really nothing, nothing was ever real with him, he fought with the neighbours, he had a terrible family setup, he tried to estrange me from my siblings, etc. Things I did not even realise they were N behaviour as well. I had a breakdown and left shortly after that. So nothing really that dramatic. However, my overfunctioning and not believing in my – although everybody else did, except the N – I brought myself down. Today, I can see this gift, my life, like yours, is so much better, I am alive and thriving, humble and happy thanks to NARP and the community. But let me tell you, thriver stories like yours are so encouraging, honest, amazing and nothing short of a miracle of spiritual strength. I am so impressed and thank you so much for the story, I could learn so much again. No case is hopeless, we always have a choice, this is what I take from your story. All the best to you. And Melanie, thanks for picking Kayla’s story.
Christine, thank you so much for sharing your honest insights. I really believe by each of us being open with our own struggles, we can be an inspiration to others who need to grab onto a thread of hope. We never know who might be reading/listening to our story and needing that one piece of insight at that particular moment…. It may be the piece that saves their life.
You are so right, we each have a choice, yet sometimes it is so hard to recognize or believe it. I know, within my soul, that it IS stories such as mine that can lift someone up…perhaps it’s the catalyst they need.
I too am humble, and am so thankful for another chance at living a happy life 🙂 Kayla
Kayla, thank you for sharing your story. I am impressed by your tenacity to go on with your healing and the way that, bit by bit you got free as you understood what you needed to do. I felt happy to learn that you are now enjoying your life N free. You will be an inspiration to everyone who reads your story.Congratulations on discovering and learning how to live your own life.
Thank you Suzanne! I can truly understand how hard it is for many people to pull away from an unhealthy relationship…in fact, that was part of the reason it took me so long to leave. It was only after I realized I needed to save MYSELF that I was able to move forward. Up until that point, I was so focused on everyone else around me, and was constantly trying to ‘fix’ all the chaos. I am so thankful I found the strength thru Melanie’s program, and my ‘old life’ is no longer my reality!!! 🙂 Kayla
Kyla,
What I’m doing is trying to fix all the chaos around me, and constantly worrying about what will happen with my children. This is so wrong, I know it. I need to just focus on me, like you did. What a blessing to hear your daughter eventually sees it all as a gift.
Jane, I truly understand! I spent most of my life tangled up in fixing the chaos…which gave me no time to focus on ME. All of my energy seemed to be devoted to everyone else. I too worried about what would happen to my children, so I was always trying to make things better with their father….yet not realizing the long term effects of his unpredictable behavior. Once I started focusing on ME and my healing, I was able to finally be the Role Model they needed in their lives. I know I am blessed that my children are now healing. I was finally able to let go of the guilt I held onto, as a Mother, which was huge for me. Please know that once you commit to YOU, there will be such a shift in your life too 🙂 Kayla
My youngest was only 1 year and 3 months old
Mel, it is now about two months since I have had contact with my ex-boyfriend and I am still NC. He is fading into being someone I once knew. I am continuing to see my kinesiologist every week and new stuff keeps coming up for clearing. As this process continues, I am becoming someone I didn’t know I was, so wonder how my life will now evolve; into something fantastic I am sure. I have a question that has been bothering me. I have noticed that I have been left with a fear that any man I date will end up being a N. I am sure that not all people are, but I am feeling apprehensive whenever I am relating with a man and he is nice to me. I suspect hidden agenda’s, even though there may be no agenda at all. I am staying close to myself and removing anything and anyone who does not reflect my integrity. Recently I began to relate with a lovely man who lost his wife of 30 years, 4 years ago. We have been communicating with each other via phone after connecting on a dating site. He had a loving marriage, he is financially viable, has the capacity to relate to me emotionally and hear and ‘get’ me extremely well.He is sensitive to my needs and does not invade any of my boundaries and is respectful. He is affectionate, kind and we have the sort of connection where we can talk with each other about anything and everything for 2 hours at a time. I always feel energised by our interactions. He texts me or rings me daily and both of us have fully functional, independent lives. I feel scared and vulnerable because sharing with him touches my heart and I can feel myself opening up to him emotionally and I feel safe to do so. It is probably one of the few times in my life where I have been able to share so much and feel so loved and accepted. I can share with him like I can share with my really close women friends, except he is a man. I am taking things very slowly,but this relationship appeared out of the ether. I am wondering if I have evolved in my growth to the point of being able to manifest the kind of man who is the type of man I have been envisaging having in my life. Anyway, I was not expecting this person to come into my life, so I have been taken aback. It has felt very healing to share with him; so different to how it was with my ex-boyfriend and I now have a feeling of wonder and appreciation that it is possible to feel safe, attracted and to share my thoughts and feelings without a
knot in my stomach and the constant sadness and disappointment and feeling of being let down, like I always used to feel with my ex-boyfriend.
Suzanne, I know you directed your post towards Mel, yet I feel compelled to reply….It is fantastic how you are working on yourself, and becoming a new version of ‘You’. The No Contact with the ex-boyfriend is great. It is the Self-work that directs us into the knowledge of what we will, or will not accept in our lives. It is such a relief when we can speak to another person and feel that we are truly heard. However, it is thru experiencing such a crazy relationship that our ‘antennae’s’ come up, and we begin to wonder about the motives of every one we come in contact with. That being said, I would suggest you take this new relationship really slowly….first of all, to make sure you aren’t carrying over some of your old patterns/beliefs (the ones deep inside that drew your ex-boyfriend to you at the beginning), and to make sure this new man is really the type of person he is portraying himself to be. All the best to you. Kayla
Thank you so much Kayla and Mel for your responses to me. I think that in one sense, I have appreciated being able to relate to a man who has been able to respond to me in a way that feels respectful and caring. I am also aware of what you are saying Mel, and that is that I need to be very clear about myself and who I am. Having been receiving kinesiology treatment every week and doing NARP, has uncovered lots of hidden (to me) patterns and I have been working on all feelings that come up. I was not expecting this man to suddenly appear in my life and I am also aware that it is entirely possible that as I get to know him more, that he may be other than who he seems to be; time will tell. I am happy with my life and everything is going really well in regard to my self-care, my working the NARP programme and staying close to myself. My life is settled and I am not about to do anything to jeopardise my hard-won healing. I could not bear to go into another N relationship. All I have done with this man is talk to him and we seem to have a lot in common. I am not rushing anything and I have another kinesiology appointment this Saturday. I am going to take what is happening there and if there is any hidden belief inside me, my kinesiologist will work with me to clear the pattern.I do not, and have not accepted anything new into my life that does not feel authentic to me. I am also aware that I am perfectly capable of caring for my inner child and that it is my responsibility to listen to her and protect her and not look outside myself for that sort of attention. With this man, it was just such a contrast between him and my ex-boyfriend, that I realised that it is possible to have someone interact with me in a nourishing way. If nothing else, that is the bonus I have gained. Thank you both for caring enough about me to respond because I have been taken aback by this man suddenly appear in my life.
Suzanne, I love how you are connecting to your inner self, and how you are honoring YOU. I truly believe there are genuine, caring people in the world who will come into our lives when the right moment arrives. It is only when we have raised our inner vibrations that we will be a proper match for them. I am so glad you can now see the possibility of this gift 🙂 Kayla
Hi Kayla. Thanks for your response. I am actually really connected to myself and every minute of every day, I am in touch with what is going on inside myself and providing myself with the care I need in the moment. I have become aware since wondering about the communication with this man who suddenly appeared in my life, that the predominant feeling that has arisen within me is that of longing. I am not attaching it to him, but I have become aware of the feeling. The longing to share my life with a human man in the context of healthy relationship. I am not sure about longing and what it means, but I intend to explore its roots until I find out. I am aware that I have spent many years working on myself and have a career that I highly value, my independence, a home that I nearly own, good friends who love me and who I love too, a strong support network and church community and wonderful hobbies such as cycling and dancing that I engage in daily and weekly. So I am not sure about whether there are more hidden patterns and intend to dig them out. One thing; in this beginning relating with the man who appeared in my life, I have thoroughly enjoyed being able to share my whole self; both positive and negative and to share some negative feelings and thoughts with him about some things about him that were bothering me that I needed to share because I intend to be authentic in all my relating. He was very open and accepting of my sharing and did not get defensive at all even though I was saying things that may have been very upsetting to some people. He said to me that he hoped I would always share what was on my mind and in my heart with him. That was such a lovely thing to hear from a man. In the past, when I have shared my truth, lots of people have abandoned me or rejected me in one form or another. Now I am more concerned to be fully who I am and not hold back in order to please others. Perhaps that is what I am finding so valuable with this man; being able to be fully myself and share all that is in my heart and on my mind and to feel so accepted, so I want to continue to communicate. You are right in that I do have to raise my inner vibration so that I am a match for the right person to come into my life. so the journey goes on.
Hi Suzanne,
Kayla is spot on here….for anyone who still has fear it means there are unhealed belief systems that are still a match for narc abuse…
It simply means there is more work to do at that level.
It is VERY normal to still have this fear – however it is VERY advisable to be able to do enough work on yourself that you don’t.
This is the TRUE goal to get to – so that you won’t.
1) Dissolve the fearful / survival programs related to abuse, co-dependency and abandonment / rejection issues.
2) Move into a true relationship with yourself – ‘In-LOVE’ so that you can be the energy of a relationship that is NOT in survival depndencies (trading energy co-dependently), so that you CAN be in the energy of the heart chakra or above – as a true spiritiual relationship.
3) Be totally emotionally authentic – firstly with yourself. This means you will be in touch with, share and speak emotional truth (true intimacy) within relationships.
This way you can’t be deceived or not be connected to your inner wisdom and intutition. You will also inspire and co-create trust and genuine supportive love.
4) Be very clear about the relationship and partner you would like in your life. Make sure you reflecet these qualities yourself. If you don’t you may need to make these changes within yourself before the right person can come in.
5) Do not accept any less than ‘your beloved’. This means not doing relationships for the sake of it and accepting ‘less’ – due to neediness or lack. This is like sitting in a restaurant and accepting a meat pie rather than the steak you ordered.
Anyone who accepts the meat pie rather than sending it back, does so because of self-worth issues.
I hope this helps!
Mel xo
Hello Mel. I have been to the kinesiologist to further explore this fear and aparently 6 lifetimes (past lives) ago, I was very frightened and badly hurt in a relationship with a man who was an intimate partner and this is the origin of the fear that I have been experiencing. Today it has been resolved. Interestingly, at the time of the balance, and I have had a balance before about my inability to escape from, or recover from, dangerous situations. I became aware of a woman cowering on the floor in a dark room and a man who was somewhat overweight with dark curly hair was standing over me. I had the impression of being hit with something and the impression that I was killed. I have an appointment with my kinesiologist’s husband, who does hypnosis sessions in a few weeks. So, I am feeling freer and lighter each week. I am very aware that the love must come from within me and my energy must resonate at a higher level in order to have a relationship in my life that matches me at that new level.I have never heard anyone mention a past life before in regard to me, so perhaps this attraction for N men has gone back a very long way and can now be resolved; well in the session it was resolved, so that is one more pattern that has been dealt with. I do not plan to jeapardise any of my growth and freedom from my N ex-boyfriend. I do have a sense of joy and love in my heart and feel like my old self but a lot better. I am continuing to act in integrity and yesterday I even left a meeting at work because it had gone on for an hour and I felt as if I had been there quite long enough. I did not appologise, said I had to leave and simply did just that. I am a new, empowered woman who does not have to apologise for what is important to me. I realised that I was scared of being verbally attacked and castigated for being ‘unprofessional’. Enough! Enough of hiding who I am. I am relating out of my integrity and authenticity and I feel different inside too. More of my truly cheeky and lively, joyous self has now emerged and I like being like this. Who knows where my life might lead now! Thank you so much for all your wisdom that has enabled me to have the NARP programme so that I can be free to be more fully me and to continue to root out all those destructive old patterns. Now I am off to my salsa workshop and I have already done my 50 km peloton ride this morning and have heaps of energy left. I am not going to accept any meat pies at all. I am living my best life.
Hi Suzanne,
this is wonderful that you are not interested in accepting ANY meat pies!!!
Why should you when the results would only ever be awful! And ceratinly would not be fair to you OR the meat pie!
Grteat stuff that you are accessing the deeper beliefs and releasing them.
This is key because until we do we only ever have access to the thoughts / feelings that are within the brain chemical range of the subcosncious belief system.
Meaning you cannot ‘fake’ the vibration of safe and clear – which would only attract another identical and painful relationship again.
Suzanne you DO have the winning formula going – truly
– Following fear and pain inwards to limiting beliefs in order to release them
– Aligning with and embodying emotional authenticity
– Allowing the Unioverse to unfold your truth and being content to work on and evolve yourself in the meantime.
Perfect and BIG yay!
You ARE at ONE with the alignment and creation of your True Self and New Life.
(One of my favourite daily affirmations!!!)
Mel xo
Thank you so much Mel.I had the BEST session at dancing on Saturday and this very confident, laughing, happy woman engaged in the lesson with a lot of enthusiasm and joy. I have never felt so free and confident. I have been reading the book you recommended and am meditating more. I am understanding now more, that at all times, I need to be what I am wanting and needing for myself. I have been practising manifesting and a week ago, my assistant was very upset at our lack of support. I told her to visualise and imagine with feeling that we had a new assistant in the class working with the children on the following Monday morning. The deputy told me on the Monday that she had re-organised the staff roster and at 10:45 a.m. there was the new assistant working in the class in material form. I now have the reputation of resident magic person; they were amazed! Yesterday, I wanted to get my hair cut and I needed a parking space in the city (parking is like hen’s teeth). I got a parking space 5 minutes from the hairdresser and he normally doesn’t work on a Sunday, but just happened to be working yesterday. After the haircut, I treated myself to good coffee and an ice-cream prior to going home.I am still in communication with the new man in my life and it is fascinating because he does not shut me down when I share things that bother me about him. I have chosen to be transparent and to share what is on my mind and heart at all times and he has agreed to do the same. The important thing I am appreciating is that I feel safe and cared for; not because he is caring for me emotionally, but because I am trusting myself to say what is important and to stay with that. If what I learn is not viable for me, I have reached a point where I am prepared to let go and go on by myself. Had I done that in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I could have saved myself a lot of anguish. So, with this new man, I am taking things honestly day by day, sharing my truth and being authentic and prepared to walk away. I do not need any ‘meat pies’ and am walking in integrity. I have never had this sort of courage before. He is very honest about his shortfalls and is prepared to grow and learn to evolve and talks in those terms. It is amazing to relate like this and I feel secure in myself. In September, my dance company is taking students to Bali for a 4 day salsa intensive where we will be dancing for 4 hours each day. I am so excited and today, I asked my boss to have leave. Bliss; to dance salsa for that amount of time in such a wonderful place.So life is opening up in new ways. Thank you so much for your affirmation and support.
Kayla,
What an amazing story, and how much courage you have! Thank you for sharing how you did the NARP program on your phone and ipod. To me this signifies such tenacity and resolve. Good for you.
I will do one module today because of your inspirational post.
If I may,I want to say something to Suzanne, above post. Time will certainly tell, but I would have to say, lots of time and in person. I was seduced by my P over the internet and phone and those hours-long conversations were so easy. I felt we were connecting, but he was just data-mining and mirroring. If my words are out of line due to not all being about Kayla’s post, please feel free to remove them.
Lisa, that is the wonderful part about the healing power of this group….we are able to understand and offer true suggestions to others because of our own experiences. I absolutely want your response to Suzanne’s post to stay as it is 🙂 Kayla
Thanks for caring Lisa. You are right. I am staying right where I am and he is coming to my city in three weeks where we shall meet one another in real life. You are right in that phone calls, and things like Skype are just words. It is only over time and in person that we can really see what a person is like. It was only after about 6 months of being with my ex-boyfriend on an almost daily basis that his true self began to emerge. I am taking note of all the things about which I am uncertain and talking about them with this new man. I am aware that I will walk away if it does not feel right to me. I am taking all the information that I am gaining to my kinesiologist as well so if there are old patterns being triggered by him, I am addressing them. Perhaps you might like to share with me what sorts of things your person did to seduce you. I would be interested to learn more about your experience. I am thinking that he is in the past now. Thanks again for posting your concern.
Hi Lisa and Suzanne,
yes it will be very importnant to meet him in person -and totally trust yourself and listen within when you do.
Absolutely narcissists can feign self-development and self-responsibility – both of the narcissists I had relationships with did adamantly.
Then of course the classic narc non-accountable maliscious behaviour exploded – dues to triggered childhood wounds which had never been addressed or healed.
So – truly you cannot take ‘words’ as evidence.
It would take a relationship starting – no sign of other women appearing (which narcs are famous for because they simply cannot exist without narc supply)and you being able to retain interests and yourself without succumbing to love-bombing enmeshment and THEN seeing how he stacks up as a potential partner.
Mel xo
Hi Mel. I think that I have my answer already without meeting this man. You are right! He may have been talking a lot about self-development and he may have been listening attentively to me, however,I am thinking that what he has been doing is ‘love bombing’because of the attentive behaviour and daily texts and regular, nourishing phone calls. I wondered why I was feeling confused over the last couple of days and realised why. Just as I was enjoying our chats and looking forward to them, I noticed that he was beginning to pull back. This was occurring even though he had been the one to initiate contact each day. The last time we spoke was on Sunday evening. He shared some information that concerned me about using gaming machines. He has mentioned using them a couple of times. For me, that is not in alignment with who I am. Use of them scares me. When I queried his use of them, he shared that he is ‘bored, there is nothing to do in his town, he hoped to win some money’; things like that. That information tells me automatically that he is feeling empty and using the gambling to change his feeling state. So, if he is feeling empty and using gaming machines and this week, he was also going to buy a car; not just any car but a very expensive sports Jaguar. Why such an expensive car? I have also realised that he is in control of communication with me and this is what unsettles me. I am happy to talk or not talk but he has made a point of being unavailable to talk unless it is on his terms. One of my core needs is quality time. He is aware of this. So I really think that I have all my senses alert and also think that this behaviour is starting to look like N behaviour. It makes me feel uncomfortable, anxious and unsafe. The words sound good, but my feelings don’t gel with the words. My feelings tell me to just stay with myself doing nourishing things for me. Therefore, if that is the case, it is not doing me any good and I am terminating my contact with him. I am the important one for me. I do not know really if there are any other women. The important thing is how I feel and I am beginning to feel a pushing and pulling from him. I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling truly; but it is the actions that speak loudest and I am listening to them.
Hi Suzanne,
this is great that you are trusting and listening to yourself. Contact on his terms only is a big red flag – and the obvious question is “Why – what is he hiding?”.
Yes declarations of ‘too much’ before even meeting (let alone soon after meeting) are very suspect…
Discussing money and expensive purchasers smacks of a False Self trying to impress… it’s what narcs do.
I think you are on the right track. It has been a nice distraction for you – perhaps – but as a person who is dedicated to connecting to, loving and caring for yourself you don’t need faux relationships to ‘give you yourself’…
You have the absolute ability to attract and create the real deal.
And you will KNOW when it arrives.
I think you do have your answer.
100% correct don’t listen to what you ‘hear’ – listen to what you ‘feel’…
For all of us that were narc abused if we had listened to our feelings – we never would have been.
Mel xo
Mel, thank you and I am feeling sooooo excited and have just got another piece of myself back! I have realised that the attentive listening is what I do for myself and was what he was giving me, so really I need to just keep giving myself what I was giving myself anyway. I have terminated contact with him with a parting comment expressing my true feelings. All that expressing true feelings does is expose what is already there and makes it conscious. If a person really cares about you, then they respond appropriately and want to make things work well. I am enough in myself and I need to be partnered with myself. All the anxiety and confusion has vanished and the last drops the kinesiologist gave me for dissolving my inability to escape dangerous situations and using my innate wisdom are WORKING! Yay! I feel very peaceful in my home, have bought delicious food for dinner and am having a laugh about Adam Hills and reading your blog about ‘love bombing’. I am so being able to see what this looks like now. Too much too soon, so I get overwhelmed and before I know it am hooked. I am taking this situation to my kinesiologist on Saturday to work on what was unhealed enough in me to allow this man access in the first place. I also had an amazingly vividly coloured dream a few nights ago. In the dream I was body surfing and swimming through the waves to the shore. The waves were strong and I was swimming well. However, the last one threw me off-balance and I crashed face- first into the sand. The dream means to me that I am in my emotional life and swimming around in it. The face-planting means that I just sustained a surface injury from contact with this man. I realised also, joyfully, that I am enough in myself and must be the love to myself that I need and want. Perhaps I am feeling so restored because my inner child feels as though I have protected her and kept her safe. I realise that I have to do all my own healing work and I am doing that, but I am so very grateful that you and this healing community, is here to support my efforts and successes in becoming whole.
Hi Mel-
I sent you an email. I purchased NARP recently but I am unable to join your facebook group. Can someone help?
Hi Joanie, I am sure Mel will read your post later today (it is night in Australia right now). If you haven’t heard back from her, email her again [email protected] You will certainly be happy once you join the group because all of us understand and can answer questions you might have. 🙂 Kayla
Kayla, you told my life story. I am about to enter into my 45 th year with this strange man I call my husband. You have touched me so deeply. I pray I have the strength and courage to walk the same path. I know I deserve true joy and happiness. Thank you .
(((Hugs))) Marie…What a brave woman you are to have put forth 45 years under such struggling circumstances! I don’t know your story, but if you can relate to mine, even a little bit, then I understand the pain you have felt. You DEFINITELY deserve true joy and happiness. Please look inside yourself, because that is where you can find strength and courage. Take little steps, one at a time… Your path will open up in front of you. Have you been able to access any of Melanie’s articles, or the NARP program? It is so amazing the freedom that can be felt when you gain some of your own power back. I will be sending you good thoughts that you will also be able to walk a pathway similar to mine 🙂 Kayla
Hi Marie, yes, please walk Kayla’s path, life is too short and to precious to not live it. You deserve happiness and thriving, but the choice is yours. All the best – I am so thankful for my journey with NARP, a year ago I thought I would die, now I am alive and thriving and grateful for the gift of life and learning.
Scared….So very scared. My ex husband after 35 years of marriage left me last year. He had always been an alcoholic pot smoker womanizer for the 30 years together until 5 years ago when he got sober…but the womanizing seemed to escalate. Unlike Kayla’s husband, my husband didn’t seem cruel to our kids….he wanted to be a kid…he used to kids to go with him in order for him to have fun at the beach…pizza party with friends and beer….I was the angry mom…trying to keep everything together…often times taking it out at the person closest to me. One therapist stated she thought I had Stockholm syndrome….I would be the angry wife talking for hours about the pain of the most recent affair….hurt, self esteem destroyed…talking over and over about the pain of the affair…The first real sign was when I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter and a sprained back…unable to move…but he had plans to go to the LA Maudi Gra with his cousins to party all night long….he was 34!!…his cousins were 25 and single…but he went off all night long….my anger and hurt…never acknowledged..in fact he told me I wasn’t that bad off…it was just a show to keep him from going and having fun…..That was in our first year of marriage…..But he was never the falling down drunk…he was functional…and would burst into angry if I complained too much…tapping the phone….taping our arguments secretively to show how crazy I got….of course, he wasn’t too crazy…he knew he was being taped!!!…but I still think I’m the narcissist at some level because I could be so hurtful in my reactions and responses to him…..I read these explanations about women leaving their narcissistic husbands….and then I see that maybe he was escaping me…that I was the narcissist he was escaping. He was in a self employed profession that should have made considerable money…but he spent it mostly on him….I went back to work and earned the larger portion of money which always went into the family pot…his was his first…then what was left over….taxed behind I caught up….debt always for his toys….bankruptcy….but I was always angry about all of this….yelling….demanding….controlling…who’s the narcissist….me or him??
Suzie, I don’t believe narcissists look for answers to their behaviors, because they don’t think they do anything wrong and they always put their needs/wants first. They often won’t take on responsibility for family debt. They always blame the other person….and they discount the feelings of those who should be important, such as a spouse. By what I hear from your story, is that you were just reacting out of hurt to the injustices he was inflicting towards you. Often an innocent spouse will strike back in defence of pain…which is what I believe you are saying. Since you are looking for answers, I don’t believe you are the narcissist 🙂 Kayla
Hi Suzie,
these are the trademarks of narcissism.
1) Pathological lies
2) Maliscious vengeful (pay-back) behaviour
3) Nil accountability including many childish, irrational defence mechanisms to avoid accountability
4) Smear campaigns containing lies and fabrications to discredit.
Whoever does that behaviour is narcissistic. If no-one is doing that behaviour then what you have is a seriously enmeshed, co-dependent and toxic relationship.
Either way – whether or not he is a narc, or this relationship is an enmeshed toxic one – you are suffering from co-dependency and really need to heal.
Mel xo
I am in a relationship with someone who I believe is a narcissist (covert, passive/aggressive), and after many years am finally realizing it. I’ve been working through my situation, mostly by reading and analyzing my life, and I have to say, I am realizing how much this toxic relationship has changed me…and who I am. Under normal circumstances, and when I am out of town and away from the stress of being with the narcissist, I am a completely different (and sane) person. When I am back in this awful environment, I find myself doing (and thinking) irrational and unquestionable things that are not at all in keeping with who I believe I am. Perhaps you feel you are the narcissist because of your reaction to the impossible situation in which you find yourself. It seems to me from everything I’v read that a narcissist is hardly self-reflective as you seem to be, and questioning one’s behavior and one’s motivations does not seem to be their bailiwick. However, I can see why I myself need to get out of this situation as soon as possible…it drives one almost literally mad, and makes one into a person that they are not! Good luck to you.
Hi Maryanna, I totally relate when you talk about doing things and becoming a person who is not aligned with who you know you are inside. This exact behavior played a big role in my own downward spiral. The further away I moved from my own ‘Truth and Morals’, the more I disliked myself and who I had become.
The fact you are analyzing who you are when you are in the relationship is a fantastic first step! The more you know about yourself, and WHY you behave differently, will give you internal Power….the power to put new boundaries in place…the power to say No when necessary.
Once I started on my ‘healing journey’, I recognized how important it was to always honor my own morals. What a relief!!! I no longer have to be someone I am not!!!
Narcissism is very powerful, and mind changing…. You will be so happy to break free from the bonds 🙂 Kayla
Melanie, Thank you for sharing Kayla story with all the woman that have felt the pain from narcissistic abuse.Kayla you are truly inspirational,that you have found the strength, and courage, to make the changes, to do the work with Melanies programs.To break free to have a whole and vibrant life. Carolyn
Carolyn, thank you for your kind comments. I am hoping others will find strength in my story, regardless of how many years have been spent in a difficult relationship 🙂 Kayla
Hi Carolyn,
It is such a joy to view and release these stories! You are very welcome 🙂
Mel xo
Kayla or Melanie, can you comment about waiting….I waited to gain attention from my dad now he is dead ..that is my childhood program that kept running my life…..!! waiting for people to change for me to be happy, waiting for the Narcissist to change hence abuse disappointment and hurt, waiting for him to come home e.t.c The child inside is so tired of waiting. I see other NARP members stuck on that too….waiting till people are dead is too long as happened in my case with my dad…I am working hard on all these and this just came up today!
Hi Rachel, much of my life story originated in my childhood beliefs…I was always looking for approval outside of myself, especially from my husband, which of course never materialized. I kept waiting for him to change…year after year. So much invested time…hoping for someone OUTSIDE of myself to change. During my NARP journey, I finally ‘GOT IT’ when I came to the understanding that I could only change ME. I had to uncover multiple layers before I reached that point, but once I made the connection, there was no turning back. To wait for another person to give us the love/affection/attention that we crave, is futile. It is only when we can release that hope, and can focus inward, that we can find the peace that our body has been looking for. Please keep looking inward. You will find your answer there 🙂 Kayla
Hi Rachel,
With every person who has been narc abused – we tried to gain energy for self from outside of self – rather than BE that energy to ourself.
Because we have not embodied that TRUE self-love and self-approval as adults we attracted narcissists (false selfs) and / or hung on to childhood wounds…
This is the ENTIRE healing premise of recovery from narcissistic abuse.
It is very painful that your father is deceased Rachel – and a huge understanding that you will NEVER have the opportunity to gain his love.
The truth is because he was a narc (like everyone’s narcs relationships) there is NEVER any ability to gain love or ‘closure’ from this person…
And truly within the lesson – we are NOT supposed to….
Hence the true gift of narcissistic abuse – the knowing that as adults we CAN heal – we can become a full and self-loving source to self and we can lovingly and determinedly turn our focus inwards to that mission – to heal and become whole.
Then the gaping hole no longer exists, and is no longer an issue. No longer do we have the gnawing pain trying to be filled up from the outside – which NO-ONE can ever do for us!! It is OUR job…
Once the hole does get filled with the love for ourselves and from Source and our Soul – then our inner and outer life blossoms in ways that were simply not imaginable when we tried to gain ‘life’ from outside of ourself.
Your inner child Rachel is waiting for YOU – that is the entire point…
Because there is NO-ONE else other than you…
Other people and life are only ever extensions (the attraction of the same vibration) of YOU.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Thank you..Now i understand that everything was in Divine Order cause i Needed to heal. I have a job a head of me..I know i will receive help when i need to all i have is to embark on it..Thank you so mouch for helping me come to realize that all along I have been waiting for myself! Sincerely Thank you Mel and Kayla for your wise responses..I cant wait to heal!
sincerely
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
truly the wisdom that comes though people in this community – such as yours right now BLOWS me away.
Wow….. “All along I have been waiting for myself”…
What a beautiful sentence!
Rachel now you can go ‘to her’, and when you do partner yourself – all of life which is your Divine Truth will also.
When we don’t partner ourself life just delivers more of the foundational pain and separation.
Mel xo
Yay Rachel!! A beautiful break-thru for you!!!! I too love your sentence ‘all along I have been waiting for myself’. Such a profound understanding!!! 🙂 Kayla
Hi everyone,
just a quick update re the Facebook Group problem. Since we increased security there has been a problem getting new people in. We thought the problem was resolved but it isn’t yet.
I am so sorry for the delay, and I will have more information today.
Thank you for your patience.
Mel xo
Ok everyone I have an update on the Facebook Issue…
It is a techical issue with Facebook that can happen randonly to Groups….and it has struck ours.
According to forums etc…Facebook are not always great at responding and helping.
We have contacted twice today amd fingers crossed.
Fortunately there is an alternative. We are presently working on a NARP Forum Gorup which is designed to take over the Facebook Group – which is in construction at present.
If the Facebook Group can not be reinstated soon then we will put more resources onto completing the Forum project as soon as possible.
An email is about to go out to all NARP members explaining where we are at with this issue.
Again – thank you for your patience.
Mel xo
Hello Mel, angel of light, if only you knew how long I’ve prayed for one who could really communicate the truth to me. I’ve prayed for strength too just for god to give me the easy way out. Ok its got to be my choice for a real change but right now I just don’t have enough courage or self love. I can see myself as a bit of a narc too, many hurts in the past but willing to look at myself for sure. Kayla’s story gives me much hope. Without the strength to break away I’ve been wondering if it’s possible to build it while still in the relationship. These things happen to us guy’s too. I’m a sensitive critter and it seems we men find it much of a challenge to adapt emotionally. I feel I’ve exhausted most of my support from friends and family and don’t want to always burden and frustrate them with my self destruction. Thanks for the emails, i’m so greatfull to be able to share with others. Murray S. xxx
(((Hugs))) Murray, I totally see how men can be enveloped in such a crazy relationship, as much as women do. It is so difficult when we feel we can no longer go to our friends or families with our problems, as we know we are repeating the same stories to them. Without their support, we experience another aspect of isolation.
Good for you for searching for help, because that is the first step. I am so happy to see you are willing to look at yourself, because that is where you can start to find your answers. You definitely can start building up your inner strength while still in the relationship….baby steps…one step will lead to another. Focus on you and your needs…possibly for the first time in your life.
If you haven’t already, read the many articles on Melanie’s website, and listen to past radio shows. I had SO many ah-ha moments while listening to her interviews. It was thru these shows that I FINALLY realized how important it was to work on me! 🙂 Kayla
Hi Murray,
I am so glad truth is resonating with your inner being. The truth does set us free – when we accept and align with it.
I think we can all relate to ‘the easy way out’ – but truly there is not one….if we did just ‘opt out’ then we simply have to come back repeat life again with the same circumstances (the attraction of our existing belief systems) and be faced with the challenge again of evolving (or not).
In short there is NO avoiding the evolution back to our True Self – once life and our soul (via pain) shows us that its a necessity…
We WILL evolve – the question is when and how many lifetimes will it take? Will it be this one – or maybe hundreds?
And how painfully (caused by resisting) – or gloriously (by having the full courage to commit to ourself)?
Our soul will ‘win’ – because anything other than our True Self is an illusion – it is an abnormality that cannot ultimately exist or succeed. In fact it doesn’t exist, it is not authentic – hence why it is a False Self.
It’s important to understand Murray – we don’t wake up one morning and simply ‘have’ enough self-love and courage to heal – in fact these ‘feelings’ don’t start coming until we do clear pain and fear and make room for them…
What DOES happen is we clearly accept the truth – which is the way we are doing life is not working. We have had enough, we know we need to face ourself, and we no longer believe that someone or something outside of us can fix it all for us.
We step up, front up and show up for ourself and for our life.
If you are not doing that yet – you haven’t had enough of the pain yet…
It is really sad that as human beings we generally choose self-transformation ONLY when our life feels so devestated that our ego cracks and no longer has a hold.
It is at that point – we know we simply CAN’T go on as our Old Self any longer and expect the different or better results that are simply never going to come.
Self-transformation is often the last choice when we need to realise it should be the first.
Ironically once we let go of expectations and neediness with the outer world and commit to healing our inner world – and life starts flowing healthily and naturally as a stream of wellbeing and authenticity – we wonder what on earth all of the self-avoidance was about.
I hope this helps inspire you to stand up for you.
Mel xo
Melanie,
Thank you and God Bless you for ‘being there.’ Over the past 2 years, I have read your articles and bought your e-books.
As for ‘my story’ it is like so many others. I appreciate so much the sharing which has helped me immensely. I have been going through a ‘high conflict’ divorce for 4 years not knowing ‘who or what’ was going on until I started to do research and found your site.
I have been been doing a lot of inner work and still have more, but lately have found God’s peace in the midst of this divorce. Clearing and healing past- I can now look back and see ALL the red flags I missed or I denied even though I also felt them, but didn’t listen to my body’s feelings.
Your site has sustained me in ‘not going back’ and continuing to work on healing myself.
Thank You so much
Linda
I6 can’t believe somebody else has an almost identical story to mine except i’m in Australia,three children and 35 Years later. I have only just managed to escape my husband. I like most was trapped in a toxic relationship and new i had to get out but did’t know how to get out. I too was gaining strength during the last couple of years and only googling narcissistic, it was a major revelation the light bulb went on and thank you Melanie yours was the web sight i clicked on. It has an made the most sense to me out of anything else i thought was wrong with my husband or in his head, was wrong with me. I had my suspicions about his fidelity a couple of months leading up to Christmas and i was sent some photo’s of him with another woman on holiday’s at a beach destination. That was all the proof i needed to pack his clothes and change the locks on the house and then sent him a text informing him. Very empowering! Although we (My kids and i) still have a long recovery road we’re getting there. I could write a book with the details of my turbulent relationship. Too many incidents to mention now and i am sure you have heard them all before. I even needed a great deal of courage to write this message and i thank you.
Kerri 🙂
Kerri, wow 35 years! You are a beautiful strong woman to hold on for so long. Isn’t it amazing at how we accept their behavior, with the hope that they will finally ‘change’ to be the person we envisioned them to be?
I too remember my Light Bulb moment when I discovered that Narcissism was the label to describe the relationship I had been living.
I am so happy you were able to escape the relationship, as it is such a scary move to make. I know it took a lot of strength to be able to even contemplate, let alone act on it!
By writing your message, you found that you still have your inner courage, and that is huge!! I remember, my first posting on the NARP Facebook site, and I was terrified…yet ecstatic. From that moment on, I was on my way upward!!!!
🙂 Kayla
I thank you Kayla for you words of encouragement they mean so much to me. Like you i started to write down some incidents and feelings on paper, it gives you a sense of relief because when you narc is still living under the same roof,you know that matter what you say,do or more to the point their own actions effect you and the kids,they always justify everything and convince you that somehow it is your fault and you made him behave that way. Writing is very therapeutic. It’s like silent action. Like you Kayla i too had friends also become distant even family,i am only now reconnecting with them after nearly ten years apart. Still now i can’t tell my friends everything because they would never believe me, i tend to gloss things over you become very good at it. I still feel enormous shame and embarrassment. I know i must take baby steps and time. It’s Comforting to know i am not the only. Kayla thank you again 🙂 Kerri
Kerri, I totally relate to what you just shared! My world was identical!!!
I just realized something powerful as I read your last post!! I remembered I was only able to share small bits and pieces of my crazy life with family, and friends, …UNTIL I had worked the NARP program for awhile, and had unraveled many of my unhealed parts.
After a few months of working NARP, I realized I wanted to share my WHOLE story, as I no longer felt I needed to hide from shame and embarrassment. What a RELIEF to be honest, with no ‘false front’!! By sharing my real experiences with the important people in my life they began to understand the bonds of narcissism, and they could finally see why I stayed entangled for so long!
This journey has been enlightening in so many ways, It truly has been a gift!!! :)Kayla
Even though he has been out of the house for 6 months. What i did’t know was that while all of his family were under the impression that he was spending his weekend at our country property and for the last year or so while i was doing all the drop offs and pick ups with my teenage kids and working a second job, he was in fact spending it with another woman and telling his family that it was me who was having the affair. I felt the coldness when visiting my inlaws and could’t put my finger on why. After 35 years with this family not one of them came and asked for the truth because they fear him. My second son bore the brunt of my husband’s abuse and now feels a great deal of resentment toward me for staying with him for so long. Like most mothers my children will never really know what i suffered to protect them, it was only when they became teens and started to answer him back that he also became physical toward them. The emotional scars will last a lifetime for all of us. I am not looking for sympathy i am finding this an interesting outlet 🙂 Kerri
Hi Kerri, Narcissists are so good at manipulating their behaviors to appear they are the victim. Their families get caught up in the same web.
It is SO hard for children of a narcissistic parent….especially a child who has been deemed the scapegoat. This child will get blamed, criticized and put down for anything they do.
In my situation, my second child also had this designation. I was constantly going to his rescue. He too has held resentment towards me. My children seldom knew what I was doing to keep them safe.
The great part about my journey, is I am able to now share the missing pieces with them. I acknowledge my behavior that caused them pain, and have apologized.
With time, and self-work, and NARP, the scars have decreased…for all of us. For myself, I look at them now as lessons I needed to learn. They have helped me become the compassionate, understanding, empowered person I am today.
NARP is a wonderful tool to help release the internal pain, so the pain is not held inside to keep ‘festering’. I truly recommend it to anyone wanting to heal on the inside 🙂 Kayla
wonderful story. I found it interesting that your friends bailed because they did not trust your husband. This resonated with me. I am so fortunate that now, friends who backed away, are giving me the chance to rebuild with them. Guilty be association, and self guilt for having stayed so long are potent. My ex has about a 180 IQ, so I truly was intensely confused. The fog is clearing as I rebuild my life. I own that I too sold my soul to avoid rejection. In the end, I rejected myself. Reconnecting, attaching back to my soul with gentleness and self compassion has been my mission. Many blessings to you on your journey.
Ruth, I love how you are honoring yourself by saying ‘Reconnecting, attaching back to my soul with gentleness and self compassion has been my mission’. I can totally relate, as that is my mission as well.
I too am reconnecting with old friends who say they knew deep down I was genuine, but couldn’t keep up our friendships because, as you stated, I was guilty by association. I am fully embracing them when they come forward, as I can see now the positions they found themselves in. I am fully open and honest when I tell them my story. I am amazed at their compassion towards me.
Blessings to you too on your journey Ruth 🙂 Kayla
that is lovely. I am happy you are able to repair and recreate something new with your friends. It takes courage and commitment on both sides, and ultimate maturity.
Wow just read this ….I cant get over how simular it all sounded to what happened in my own struggle.I came back a few times also and had all that I had worked for each time taken from me .I dont intend to loose antything this time especially myself!I realise that I had already started to heal on the inside as my integrity is what caused theN to seek another victim….and the “no contact”is causing him to vicariously attempt to cause me to react.Still have a way to go but not long I think as I keep getting great blessings comming my way every day…….Kayla Your Amazing keep it up Sister…so will I.
Rebecca, I am SO thankful for No Contact, as it was when I realized I needed to put it in place, that I was able to finally move forward. He kept finding ways to trigger me until then.
I am so glad you recognize the pieces of yourself that you lost…and now you are preciously protecting them. Yay!!!
It is certainly a struggle to break free from the entanglement to a narcissist, and I can truly see why some people give up/give in, and go back. It appears/feels like the easiest route…. because they don’t know where to turn to find help, or another person who completely understands.
I am very happy that others are hearing my story, and are seeing me as an inspiration. I hope my struggles can be used as a lifeline for someone who needs it.
All the best to you too 🙂 Kayla
gratulations, how strong a person can be….respect!!!!!admiration…..
myself did no contact after understanding that all my live was a rollercoaster of narc abuse…..i am still recovering…;
i did no contact whit the friends of my narc, i thaught i could trust my friends, but they alle left me and choosed the side of my narcs…..can i hope that some of them will return to me and can I accept them again as friends when I see that they understand they were wrong?
what happens when a narc mets another narc ?
I read that they immediatly recognise each other,do they act the same with each other as they do to other people not narc ? do they help each other… or do they abuse as Always ?
many thanks for all ……
rita
Hi Rita,
I am so glad you have found the benefit of No Contact. Sometime it means we need to find new friends who are not connected to the Narcissist in our lives.
Sometimes, old friends too get caught up in the manipulation of a narcissist. It is when they recognize they too were fooled, that some may want to re-kindle the friendship with you.
I believe, two narcs may join up for a while if they have a common goal. However, a narc will not stay long with another narc, because they are not able to get ‘supply’ from each other. Instead, they will be wary, because they understand the underlying actions/motives. A narc will only stay in a situation if they feel they have the upper hand, and superiority.
The best thing a person can do who has been in a narcissistic situation, is to no longer focus on the narc. Instead, pend the energy on yourself . This will raise your inner vibration so you are no longer a match for a narc 🙂 Kayla
Thanks Kayla for sharing your inspiring story!
I just have a question for you and for anyone who has healed from narc abuse: after you’ve healed, if you had a sudden encounter with the narc and you ran into him, how would you react? How would you feel if you met him as a coincidence? Can you look him into the eye? Would you look him into the eye? I’m just curious to know how it feels because one day such a coincidence will happen…
Thanks
Hi Daisy, thank you for the question. I will be honest that I didn’t run into my husband until we had been No Contact for a few months. Leading up to this encounter, I had been doing a huge amount of inner work and had been working the NARP program daily. He came up behind me in the post office, and my reaction to him was that of a stranger! I felt no pull, or attraction to him. I was courteous, but that was all…no small talk. I gave credit to having raised my inner vibrations to a more positive one, so of course his negative vibration, which was extremely apparent, was no longer a match.
I purposely choose never to look him in the eyes, because I do not want to take any chance of being drawn back in. Once I broke my ties to him I refuse to engage in any behavior that might jeopardise my freedom. 🙂 Kayla
Thanks Kayla! But i feel if we choose not to look in the eye, than we are still “afraid”, and with fear there’s still a restrained freedom?
Daisy, what a good point. I choose to look at it different though. Thru the NARP program, any time I feel ‘fear’, I go deep inside myself to release it so the ties which keep me ‘afraid’ are let go. By making the decision to not look in his eyes, I am giving MYSELF the power, not releasing it to him :)Kayla
Hello Melanie!
I hope you are doing well. I was wondering… How does dealing with narcs affect one’s health? Do you feel it can change a person permanently? Thank you.
Hi Raeanne,
Absolutely being involved with narcissists is incredibly disturbing emotionally – which then translates to many areas of our life…
Mentally, spiritually and IF needed to get our attention physically as well.
When our emotions start breaking down they scream at us…and if we don’t listen, keep hanging on to the person who is abusing us, and don’t take action to love and care for ourself then the message goes to our bodies to REALLY get our attention.
ALL illness is dis-ease. I truly believe all of the manifested illnesses we have are because we are not honouring, and listening to our emotions or learning to love, care, honour and accept ourself.
There are incredible books like ‘Barometer of the Soul’ and Louise Hay ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ which grant incredible and accurate information in regard to which emotional issue a particular bodily disfunction is related to.
I totally believe (and have lived it myself with CTSD, agoraphobia) that WHEN we heal ourselves emotionally, then the physical symptoms do not need to keep screaming at us to get our attention to MAKE US go within and heal.
So my answer to you is YES I believe that a narcissistic experience can change us permanently in a MAGNIFICENT way.
In that we do learn to emotionally heal and master ourself. We learn how to go within and love and accept ourself.
Therefore we learn how to hang out with better people, eat better food, look after ourselves lovingly and become a true loving Source to ourself, attracting and sharing more authentic love with life and others.
We learn how to let go of painful limiting beliefs and create glorious joyous and peaceful ones which do support the life we wish to create.
How could we not be infinitely healthier after discovering ourselves and life in this wonderful way?
Mel xo
Hi Raeanne, I would love to share my experience regarding my health. While I was in my narcissistic relationship, I had heart palpitations, and irregular heart beats. I wasn’t sleeping for more than 4 hours per night, and had constant headaches. My back and my hips were in continual pain. I became extremely depressed.
My family doctor kept telling me I needed to get rid of the stress in my life before I was going to feel any better. In fact he warned me that I HAD to make changes.
Now that the narcissist is out of my life, my health had turned around! I’m sleeping 7 hours a night, no heart palpitations, no headaches, and no back pain!! The depression has lifted. I still am amazed at the changes in my body once I got rid of the stress of the relationship.
Whether all my health issues completely disappear long term, I don’t know yet. What I do know, is the quality of my life has improved SO MUCH since I’ve been working on my inner self, and the narcissist is out of my life 🙂 Kayla
Thanks Kayla for your insight. I am sure narc is affecting my health as I was recently tested for auto immune issues mainly cancer. All negative but still underlying issues a bafflement to Dr. Narc didn’t even ask about results until after 3 hour diary of his day. Then he makes snide comment saying I must have HIV. Not funny and we have been together 30 years. Talk about hitting someone when they are down! It just confirmed again what a donkey hind end he is.
It still amazes me how ridiculous the mind of a narc works. I feel for you Raeanne my jaw is clenched at the insesativity. Keep as positive as possible you have the support of everybody reading your story 🙂 Kerri
wow, thank you so much all ladies here.
I just came across Melanies work last night and have thrown myself into it. So many synchronicities here to do with events,and names, I know I am in the right place.
Like the other Rachel here, I left on nov27 last year. I moved to a new home with my older children who were previously pushed out. He has not been here once in these 8 months and he does not have the address.
We have a small child together, so this has been an excrutiating move for me to make.
I am proud of my courage and conviction to live in a peacefull loving home. I have achieved wonders reuniting my older children.
This man is dangerous and is on Parole with an order to be instantly jailed if there be a single disturbance for any minor reason.
He has harmed many. He has hit his rock bottom and totally given up his alcoholism etc and is doing “good deeds” in the communities he mixes in. He gets great support thru AA and the salvation army and councelors etc, which are all law enforced obligations of his parole.
It actually makes me feel deeply disturbed, because with his stories he receives much pity empathy and support yet these are outrageous lies. And now he lives with his mother, and she is dealing with his controlling and unpredictable ways including bouts of extreme verbal abuse.
However, I have learnt to keep out of it and let it be. It is his own journey.
I am my own business now. I have brought ALL my energy and attention back to myself and living a joyfull life filled with my own interests. I am painting and sewing and writing and dancing and singing again.
I too found myself in one of those “bathroom floor moments” screaming at myself in the mirror that I hated myself for getting me into this as a grown woman who should know better! Also screaming out to god to please take me I want to die !
I have come really far. I forgave myself , I was only trying to keep my family together. I was always acting from honourable places.
I also decided it was time to define myself as defined by MY SELF, and let go of everything twisted he told me about myself.
I have been coming little by little to a good place.
However I still find myself thinking about him every day, and I know something is up with this. I prayed about it, then came to this info about the peptides, and I know this to be true. I will be working at clearing out my rubbish now for as long as it takes.
Im finally feeling like myself again, and I value and respect myself and the meaning of a peacefull life.
I am aloving fun mother again and I can have the friends I choose and act to my own standards.I have balanced moods once again, And no where anywhere in my life are there arguments or upsets with anyone, nothing but love and joyfull interactions!
I love me, I respect me.
very hard earnt learnt lessons.
Bless all women sharing here, only those of us who have been thru this have any right or knowledge to comment.
I look forward to the days when I no longer think about him.
Sending great love and compassion and inspiration to all fem friends here. Love and light Rachel***
Good for you Rachel for doing so much self-work, and having the courage to leave. What a great role model you are for your children! It’s so amazing how our lives turn around once we are able to be free of the negative influences. Life can be joyful and fun once again.
Peptide addiction is very powerful, and can certainly control your life, when you think about the other person, even though you logically know you shouldn’t. What a relief once it is broken!
I am so glad you were led to Melanie’s website. There is so much information available to you. I am a huge believer in synchronicity….therefore, you were meant to find this information…and to connect to other people who can relate. 🙂 Kayla
ps, I above as Rachel, am Rachel Rose so as to distinguish myself as a Rachel other than the other Rachel!
is it possible for me to join the facebook group without others on my page having access to it, this for me is part of my truelly private life, I would like to come to FB, Please tell me how. Thank you.XX
Hi Rachel Rose, I can truly understand your need for privacy, as I was once there. It has only been since I found the freedom within myself, that I feel free to share my story with others.
The Facebook group is available to people who have chosen to purchase and work the NARP program….a group who is totally focused on recovery. The only people who will see your page are those who also are in the Facebook Group…no one else.
To find out more information about the NARP program, go to the Header, at the top of this page, click on Healing Resources. On the page that comes up, Scroll down and click on Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. This will give you all the information you will need to get involved in the NARP program. Once you are in it, you will be able to become part of the FB group.
I hope this is the info you need! Kayla 🙂
Thank you for sharing that you kept going back and forth to the different modules. In truth, this is what happened to me…I got stuck on the first module, because I knew I had to go deeper, and go back and do more, and therefore…I’ve not proceeded further. I feel some guilt about not keeping up, but I will rectify this situation. Just keep processing, do the best you can, go back and do/try it again…keep doing it until you feel some great release from the past.
Healing appears painful, but I know that once you look it in the eye…it is easier than remaining where you are.
I’ve struggled with “is my ex a narcissist or not,” and I blame myself for much, which is really sad when I think of all I DID to keep it going. Somewhere soon after 6mos into the relationship, I realized I was doing absolutely Everything! What blows my mind is that ‘our’ future relationship/s ante up if we do not get well. I scratch my head over all this, as I think I am truly a decent human BEING. And I though my ex was a Gift for my having lived a good life. And right when you think you’ve ‘met the one,” you realize you fell into some dark hole that was never your intention. I would very much like to share my life with someone, but when I think of all the WORK that men ARE, I’ll be hanging onto my pyrex art glass for a very long time, and continuing the modules. PEACE.
Kayla,
When you left, where did you go? Did you have a job to go to that you qualified for?
I just started with Melanie so I’m new to reaching out.
When I left my last ex, I took 9 month old baby and just a few items that would fit in my friends car.
2 days later I was served with divorce papers.
My Narcissist mother and my brother “Golden Child” joined the smear campaign. I lost my baby, my dog, my car and home. I was defeated.
I joined up with a friend that allowed me to stay while I went to a rip off 6 month computer school.
Desperate people do desperate things.
No jobs came up. Just a student loan debt. (NOTE: My son sees me as bad and I don’t get to be grandmother to 2 and 6 year old girls- more loss)
No help. A perfect mirror of my childhood.
I gave up. I settled. My friend, another Narcissist, rescued me. — So it seemed. Been stuck. I got sicker and sicker. We married. He did alot of same stuff your ex did.
I just don’t want to lose AGAIN!
I’m doing Melanie’s stuff … in process.
Any advice?
I do care for myself by exercising, playing music and taking in positive messages thru media.
I like who I am on the inside.
Just don’t know how to financially thrive. This must be my lesson. I had a savings and was going to get a tiny house with a bit of land to keep my horses.
He lost his job and I thought it would be short while so I spent my escape money.
It’s good to know who you are, feel deserving and have self love. But I will not leave my animals behind.They are my heart and reason for living.
Life without love (from at least my animals), just isn’t a good one to me.
I already lost my kid and grandchildren last time I just jumped the leap of faith.
Thank you Kayla and Melanie!
Tori
I was married to a narcissist for 25 years and it was a life from hell. One day he told me he was leaving me, he’d found someone else. I had no energy to fight anymore and said ” that’s nice.” The next day he told me he was staying, I said ” That’s nice.” A minute later he said I’m leaving tomorrow, I replied “That’s nice.” He left the next day and I cried for about 3 months. In retrospect, I was experiencing a 25 year emotional release. It was the nicest thing he’d ever done for me. This happened about three years ago. Two weeks ago, whilst researching articles on setting boundaries I discovered that he is a narcissist. The article hit me like a sledge hammer; I cried all over again. I was shocked I still carried around so much hurt; 2 days later I felt an unexpected emotional release.
I’ve spent the last two weeks reading up on the subject. My fascination with trying to understand the narc personality traits are over. I am wholly sick to death of wasting any more time and energy on them, giving them any more attention and just want to get my life back.
I’ve had so many cognitions in the last two weeks and feel so much calmer now, I know I have a lot more issues to work through, but have already seen the changes taking place in my everyday life. The next 10 days, 24/7 will tell if I’ve actually accomplished any of these things… 6 weeks ago I stupidly agreed to him staying here for 10 days before he goes off to who knows where and nobody cares. I’ve implemented boundaries and I know he’s not going to like them. He still views the house as his property??
The biggest game changer for me was that the focus should be on me, my feelings and my needs. I really was very well trained.
After listening to Kayla I myself have been in my marriage for 36 years and can remember saying I did this in my teens, my 20’s 30’s and 40’s no way am I going to be doing this in my 50’s and here I am nursing bruises and cuts from being locked out of my home this really is going to be life changing for me I do believe I will never fully recover but I am so determined to at least get some peace, his mother did it for 60 years and I can’t do what she did so thank you Kayla and Mel and everyone for your posts it really is keeping me going I have lived only half a life I just pray I can at least get some life backxx
My story is thankfully not as extreme as yours and I think your outlook and how you’ve conveyed your story is inspirational. I’m not married to my other half but have lived together for 4yrs. . Like everyone here I’ve missed countless red flags….or chosen to dismiss them…and to my own detriment. I am working through the 16day programme and I am already aware of emotional shut-downs happening within me to my partner. For the first time I recognise that the hooks I had weren’t feelings of love but desperation and approval seeking from someone who will never love or approve of me. It’s impossible to ever be enough for him. But I am starting to realise I am enough for myself and that is where we all need to find acceptance…within ourselves. Keep up the good work and I pray everyone in our shoes finds that inner strength to thrive! X