When we want to change our life and move forward out of pain and into recovery – we identify that we need to change our behaviour.
We truly wish to do things differently. We want to not react to the narcissist’s hooks, we don’t want to get caught up in the manic and mindless battles that once took place, and we don’t want to feel devastated or powerless when we can’t stop ourselves checking up on his or her Facebook account.
You know that to stop doing what hurts you, you need to change your behaviour.
But you might ask: How do I actually do this?
As you probably know, simply changing your behaviour is easier said than done. If you work up the courage to stop a habit that isn’t serving you, you might find yourself falling off the wagon and slipping back into old habits before too long.
This is because no matter how hard you try and push yourself to change behaviour, if your inner belief is not in agreement with this new behaviour, it won’t stick.
Changing habits that don’t serve you isn’t as easy as clicking your fingers… but it certainly isn’t impossible.
In today’s blog I am going to explain how you can change behaviours that aren’t serving you by first working on your inner beliefs.
You can apply this to releasing your hooks to the narcissist or your habit of going back to him or her or other abusive people in your life.
This article is also going to discuss creating any new behaviour that serves you such as: Loving and caring for yourself, committing to healing yourself, being motivated to start your new career or a new hobby, manifesting new supportive friends or a love partner, or anything else you want to achieve in your life.
Everyone Behaves From Their Map of the World
Let’s just stop and have a look at the world as we know it. We know that everyone in the world operates in a way that is ‘right’ for them – regardless of the results it creates for themselves or others.
Because the truth is: everyone, regardless of what they do, is acting as per their model of the world…
This is without exception.
We know there are people that purposely kill others. We also know that there are people, just as Mother Theresa did, who devote their life endlessly to helping others.
The killer and Mother Theresa did not do what they did simply because someone told them to.
They did these things because they believed they were ‘right’ at a deep inner level.
Why Trying to Change Behaviour Doesn’t Work
The problem with the normal model of trying to change behaviour is that it doesn’t work without trying to address core beliefs.
The truth of behaviour is: unless you address the belief that is caused the behaviour you will not change what you do that you don’t like doing.
For those of you who are moving forward, and have been working on your Inner Identity beliefs (many of you as a result of being on NARP) you will understand this now – truly.
You may understand now that hooking into the narcissist’s games and ploys, and the handing over of narcissistic supply will not stop, simply by you deciding this hurts you and you shouldn’t do it…
…or you may not yet have realised how powerful and essential the level of belief really is.
It is true, you may have be able to stop re-hooking with the narcissist from a logical standpoint ‘This hurts me and it’s not good for me’ – yet the urge, the compulsion and the pain is still coming up for you.
You may have stopped your behaviour, but you may not have addressed the deep beliefs driving you to keep hooking in to the narcissist (even just painfully with your thoughts and emotions).
These limiting beliefs (the ones not allowing you to stand in your own power) may be:
- Fears of abandonment
- The need to feel supported and validated by someone outside of you for your survival, security or identity
- Your primary role models abused and did not validate you or heal the abuse you suffered
- I cannot survive on my own without fixing this
- Without he or she being a source to me – I can’t be a source to myself.
(and so many more)
These beliefs are powerful drivers and they create the behaviour of staying hooked. In order to truly break free and move forward without the pain and the struggle, these beliefs need to be addressed and transformed.
When you try to create new behaviour, when your beliefs are still stuck in the old behaviour – you are at war with yourself.
If we just change the behaviour without changing the belief then the behaviour is very likely to reinstate itself…
The beliefs generally win…
This is why so many people who are trying to break habits and addictions fall over again – and often after days, or weeks or months (or even years) of struggle – because they did not address the beliefs creating the behaviour.
This is why so many people who have been narcissistically abused do repetitively break no contact, or even if they do achieve it, still have to battle with the pain, the addiction and the hooks to the narcissist.
Moving Forward by Adressing Beliefs
For those of you who are moving forward and out of the pain and away from the narcissist’s clutches, the main reason you are doing so is because you have been addressing and changing your beliefs.
You have been able to realise that certain previous beliefs you had about yourself and love were not working for you and you have chosen to address these defunct beliefs and create healthier ones, and as such you have experienced changes in your behaviour (from powerless to powerful) because you have been changing your beliefs which were causing your behaviour of still feeling and acting addicted, broken and powerless.
When we understand how to truly change our behaviour – we can apply this to every limited area of our life that we wish to improve – certainly not just narcissistic abuse. This is one of the many gifts that a narcissistic abuse experience can bring!
Maybe you have a desire to start your own business but you’re not motivated and you are not doing the applicable research to get started.
This desire to get going keeps bugging you but it’s just not happening. You’re stuck.
Or maybe you want to make more time with the kids, but for some reason you sabotage yourself and always get caught up in more work.
Or maybe you want to start doing more creative things such as writing, painting or dancing.
Or maybe you want to have the courage to get out in life more and meet more people.
Or maybe you want to meet a future love partner but the thought of love frightens you.
…or whatever it may be that you want and you aren’t doing..
DON’T try to change your behaviour without working on your beliefs…
Instead of just trying to push through and be more motivated, go to the reasons for why you aren’t, and look at transforming and healing those reasons.
Your belief for doing something – or not doing something – are your reasons.
Just like the killer, his reason for killing is the belief: he is doing this as an act of service for his cause.
Just like Mother Theresa, her reason for walking the streets late at night, was her belief: her mission to serve God was to selflessly serve others.
Please understand this – any behaviour you do (especially compulsively) that does or does not serve you is attached to reasons for why you do this…and unless you go deep within yourself to realise and heal and change these reasons, you are going to have a battle with changing any behaviour that is not serving you.
If you address and change your beliefs then the new behaviour will fall into place all by itself.
Because now you will have deep inner reasons for doing something differently.
Thank you for taking the time to read this article. Please share any comments or questions you may have and good luck with addressing your beliefs that don’t serve you and creating healthy beliefs that do!
What an excellent blog. It can be used on so many levels and its written in a way that everyone can understand. I am sure it will leave all readers thinking for along time after they’ve finished reading. Thank you for writing this!
Hi Gorgia,
I am so pleased the article resonated with you!
Mel xo
Changing one’s behavior is so inextricably immeshed in a persons thinking and learned patterns od behavior. I have been married to a narcissist for 28 years and finally very recently performed the difficult & traumatic act of cutting him out of my life. It has been a tumultuous 6 weeks! Now is the time that I can reflect n MY behavior and role in the dance of narcissist & copendendant that has swirled for so long. Its not easy to change ones thinking but recent scientific research has proven that the brain is a fluid, changing organ in the body. It CAN change learned patterns of behavior completely, to be rewired to allow us to live with NEW patterns of thinking and acting out our lives (this is called neuroplasticity). Its nit easy but it’s possible once you engage the unconscious mind and connect with your inner child. Believe in yourself! remarkable thhungs are possible when you believe in LOVE!
Hello Melanie, Once again you are right on the money for where i find meyself in my recovery. I totally beleive what you are saying it sure is the Beliefs that we have to work on and change. I have found writing out my child hood experiences with brutal truth on how I SAW them as if i was righting a book, helps me to see what my beliefs are. I offer this as may be help full for others to try. thanks kenn
Hi Kenn,
yes you are right on. There is a very wise saying which is ‘Relationships bring up the pain that we already had within us’….this could not be more ‘bang on’ with narc abuse…
It is the healing of these unhealed parts that gets us out of the pain, the addiction and the hooks – truly!
Mel xo
Mel,
I am doing the QL modules. What happens when I need to reach my emotions DEEPLY is I get immediately heavy and extremely tired instead of “ramping it up.” I try to move that heavy mass of “weight” out of my system instead, and of course that doesn’t work well because I’m not dealing with my emotions but trying only to move the heaviness.
Your program is amazing and I am functioning so much better. I now have enough energy to get through the day, and your program is what allows me to do that. I do now think clearly again, and I know it it because of you and your program. But I’m leaving so such toxicity in my system because I get tired (??) instead of owning my feelings at the deepest levels. I still feel my pull to the narc. Wrong, yes. But you see where I am in my recovery.
I listened to your radio program tonight about owning my responsibility. Do I keep trying the same approach? Do you know what is making me — all of the sudden –exhausted and too drained to reach my emotions? How do I complete the module as I’m supposed to?
Hi BH,
Yes truly BH you can shift that ‘heavy feeling’ and what you will find is that then you will be able to access your emotions underneath..
You may also have come to a point – as a result of working diligently with the Modules in NARP – that you simply are not experiencing such heavy charges anymore – this can be especially true when you are no longer afraid of embracing painful emotions.
When we know that by embracing emotions and using the QF Healing process we will transform them – then we may not register them as ‘pain’…and simply ‘heaviness’ instead. This is how I feel painful emotions…
It is when we are not willing to face, embrace and accept our emotions that they ‘hurt’ incredibly – so truly maybe you are just clearing stuck and negative beliefs now rather than ‘painful emotions’…Which is all great!
I hope this makes sense
In regard to the pull to the narc – you need to deeply feel in to that – and shift out the beliefs that are creating this….when you really dig into them – (and you may want to do that with a journal before going into the Module 3 session)…and just keep releasing them one at a time….then the pull will stop..
Also if you really are feeling tried and heavy – get up stop the recording have a drink of water, walk around and come back to it…
If you really do know that this is a fear of feeling your emotions – and it could well be – then do a session with (Module 1) on releasing that – or use your Bonus MP3 to set up the goal of ‘fully feeling my emotions’ and clear all resistance to that – and then you will be able to…
If this really is the issue then address this before proceeding with your shift work – and you will find it goes up a whole new level in effectiveness.
Mel xo
I agree, I am still working so hard to find myself and what my beliefs are, but every word you write makes it clearer for me. It is so hard to let go, but I am dedicating my self to myself and trying not to blame him
Hi Michelle,
that is great you are working hard to achieve this…
A tip that may help you – it can be very hard to ‘establish’ self until we have ‘cleared’ the pain and the abuse…
It can be like trying to drive a ferrari into the garage where the rusty old wreck still stands…
I feel you may not have cleared and resolved the pain yet – and truly that must come first.
And this is why you can’t yet let go – you need to release that stuff…
Have you looked at NARP? It grants you all the processes and the way to do this, as well as align and create your beliefs.
I hope this helps!
Mel xo
yes, without addressing what really drives me, I am bound to keep replaying the same old thing. I cannot paint the wall blue with orange paint….I have tried…it only leads to more frustration, like trying to apply wishes on top of limiting beliefs…leads to more frustration that reinforces a victim mentality. Right now, my parents are not speaking with me, and I am doing no contact with my husband….I really wanted them to love me. I felt deserving of it for all I gave them and did for them.. like a circus monkey, I felt I had earned it, and they weren’t giving it to me….in fact, they were playing with me, because they saw I needed them. Loving them was about my needs more than I want to admit. I am learning to give that love to myself for the first time ever. That means no matter what happens in my life, I am going to be ok, because I got me to lean on. I am beginning to see how this frees me to really love myself and others…..come what may.
Hi Ruth,
yes you get it perfectly….and that is wonderful…
Yes we cannot earn love and approval – we need to become it to ourself – and then we no longer tolerate or ‘be’ our own self-sacrificial behaviour…
Yesterday’s radio show could be really relevant to your case…I really urge you to listen to it..
I know it can help you a lot!
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/10/30/getting-love-right-healing-by-loving-ourself
Mel xo
@BH, I’m interested to see what Melanie responds with. My experience is that recovery is very draining of energy. I believe that is a sign that you are actually working towards your goal. A year ago I was working weekly, really daily, on recovery for over 8 months and I was so exhausted. I did regain my energy but it still dips down. I sometimes fall asleep during the modules and I don’t fight it. It’s usually for a few minutes so I go back to the last spot on the module I remember hearing. I think my unconscious still hears the module and is taking it in. I think it means it’s okay to go back and do that module over until its not draining me as much. The areas where I still feel the pull of the narc tells me that a particular module that addresses that issue is one I want to revisit.
I haven’t had the time in the last few weeks to do a module, and I know its time to address a few because things are coming up for me.
This program is probably the best thing I have found. I am still getting outside help, but on a monthly basis now, and the NARP program and my outside help complement and overlap each other. This is working so beautiful for me and really is a testament to me that the NARP program is solid and worth it’s weight in gold. I love it. I was hesitant to purchase because I was afraid it would be another thing that didn’t help much. I researched and finally decided to try it and I love it. It has been worth every penny and I’ve only completed 3 of the modules so far. I can’t wait to do the rest and then revisit some. This has really helped me in my recovery more than anything. I’ve really been in a position to test it because the narc has been testing me for the past year with abusive emails and court, manipulation of myself and the children. This program has helped in all those areas, and more. It has calmed the constant adrenal and cortisol that my body has been pumping through my system, that has been a huge relief.
That’s all I have for now, I hope to comment more in the future. I would like to see a reference in the blog articles to a specific module to address the blog issue, if that would be appropriate.
Hi Miche,
I hope my answers above have granted you some insight.
Additionally what I am picking up is that you may have the belief ‘Working on myself is draining, hard-work etc’…shift that with a module (you can use number one) to your True Self state you get to choose which is ‘Working in myself is liberating and joyous, and I experience great breakthroughs’ and you will see a world of difference.
I am so pleased NARP has been working for you – and when you shift that limiting belief it will take you to the next higher level.
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie,
I actually am no longer feeling the drain that I was. I am enjoying shifting my limiting beliefs. I am to the point right now that it is easier for me to realize that when the N acts out that it gives me a change to shift my limiting beliefs again, and helps me see clearly where I still need to shift my beliefs.
Thank you for the suggestion, I will write that down and do that with module one, or any of them that I feel that will fit with.
Thank you again.
Hi Miche,
That’s great – because if that is how it is feeling then you won’t need to address it – but feel in to it just to make sure!
As you do know now -after getting acquainted with the process intimately – often what we think may be not what it really ‘feels’ like…
Once you check in, you’ll know for sure 🙂
Fabbo – you’re understanding and working with ‘the system of life’ – ‘the outside is showing me what unhealed part I need to clear. Then not only do I stop this painful thing from happening in my experience (I become no longer a match to it) – I also get to heal, grow, become more at one with myself and feel even greater wholeness and happiness!!
Bravo!
And why wouldn’t we enjoy doing this?!
Mel xo
Hi Miche ☺
I had a big shift during a QF session, after I had fallen asleep, and woke up just before it had finished saying a low number. I was also hugging myself! haha! I didn’t think it had really worked or it was possible for the shift to take place properly, but the next day I was confronted with a situation I would have normally reacted to and I just felt no charge whatsoever, so I knew I had shifted something big. I find it’s best to have a break for 2-3 days in between a shift and just do some journaling which then helps with the next QF session. During the break time, you may notice your life working better in ways you are unaware of, which is what I am finding. The break also relieves that heavy feeling (shifts drain me somewhat too at times). My attitude has changed a lot due to my new beliefs creating new positive feelings about myself. ❤
Thank you. It makes sense but I don’t know where to start exploring my belief systems. And once I do, how do you change them.
Hi Leisa,
Great this makes sense to you! That is a powerful pointer ‘home’ for you.
First of all we need to shift, release the pain in the way.
And then when the muck is cleared we get to feel out ‘True Self” and from this place we get to establish and get solid with our beliefs, values and self-integrity.
NARP is this entire process as the most direct way I know how to achieve it. Hence why I created this process and made it available to others…
Mel xo
This is very timely Melanie, thank you. Prior to my previous relationship, I was extremely motivated and productive. I had just completed graduate school, had written, produced, and directed a film, and was generally feeling quite good about where I was in life. Around this time I became involved with my ex, and I began to drift away from myself, trying constantly to keep her happy, yet feeling increasingly exhausted and mentally and emotionally fried in the process. Now it’s been a bit over a year since I took the step to end the relationship, but I have found myself simply unable to recapture the same motivation and enthusiasm for life and the things I was so passionate about prior to our involvement. I have been trying to understand what may be my limiting beliefs about this; I know some of it is simply recovering from the heartbreak, but I am being very judgmental towards myself because I can’t seem to shake out of this state of mind :/
Hi Tony,
it sounds like you were in a relationship with a narcissist, and it is very usual to have the struggle with self, lack of self and lack of energy for quite some time…
I can’t from the heart recommend enough you look at NARP – because it can and will (if you commit to it) release the pain, connect you to True Self and release all of your limiting beliefs (without you even having to work them out) in the process.
The process creates this simply by you following the instructions. Additionally you have full support from me to work out anything you need to – but you will be amazed how it all just ‘unfolds’…you really do have to experience it to understand that truly what I am describing is the common result.
Mel xo
I don’t really understand. It’s been 33 days I’ve gone without seeing or speaking to my N, but he still emails me. The abuse was horrible, but the cheating I saw myself destroyed me and is what gave me the strength to finally leave. Why then do I still find myself longing for his emails (that I try not to answer–for every 5 he sends I may reply 1x)–it was not a good relatinship, but it was 3.5 years. There is no future for us, but I do feel stuck and there is no where to turn for guidance. I feel very rude to not reply to his emails and then sometimes he makes me feel like I need to defend myself based on what he is saying in his messages. Now they are all about how much he loves me and can’t wait for me to come back though I’ve told him I am never coming back…told him repeatedly via email this past month. So what are my beliefs that make me still feel for him and feel I must respond to his emails…and how do I change my beliefs…and what do I change them to?
I’m doing so much better, feel better..everything is better without him, but he definitely still has hooks in me and I just don’t know how to get them out.
Hi K,
you are longing because you have not yet healed your unhealed parts that are keeping you stuck in the pulls and the addiction to him…
Until you start doing the inner work and commit to you, you will not ‘discover’ embrace or heal these beliefs…
Some of them may be very consistent with most of us who have been in relationships with narcs, and some may be very unique to you.
K this is not a ‘head job’ – it is a ‘soul job’…
And what I mean by that is all of the ‘thinking’ in the world is not going to grant you your answers and relief, you need to go deeper than that.
Committing to that ‘soul job’ is not only going to get those hooks out, it will also ‘change you’ so that you will not have to re-create a similar experience again in order to grant yourself the opportunity to clean up these unhealed parts.
I hope that makes sense…
Mel xo
I commented once before months ago and your reply was similar…to stop trying to think my way out of this. I want to get better, but I don’t know how. I have so much to be thankful for and I am truly grateful for my children, my friends who are somehow still there, my family…I have plenty and realize this. I am just so mad at myself for letting myself get into such a terrible situation….again. Two long terms relationships ever and both bad….this last one the worst I’ve ever experienced and nobody understands–it is impossible unless you’ve experienced it.
I’ve still managed to stay away from him, and have gone two days now without responding to his emails at all (35 days without seeing or talking to him). I logically understand what you are saying about it being a soul issue rather than a head issue…I just don’t seem to be able to heal myself. I feel so defeated…like I’m never going to have “normal” relationship or even a normal life again because I can’t seem to get him out of my head. I can’t seem to get my head, my heart and my soul in harmony when it comes to this type of relationship.
Your articles and site help me though—I thank you for that. I hope one day something will make sense, or trigger something that allows me to heal. It’s like being in a dark room and absolutely knowing there is a window in there that leads to sunlight, but no matter what I do I cannot find the window to the light—it is incredibly frustrating. I’m tired of being frustrated and I’m tired of crying over this man. It was 5+ years before I dated after the last time and I ended up right in the arms of an even worse situation. Now 3 1/2 years later I am an emotinal wreck again and I can feel the walls coming back up when all I want is to heal and have a normal, loving relationship with someone who feels the same. It’s pathetic, but it helps to vent. :/
Hi K,
truly my love – this is the best and most direct way I can put this.
Stop trying to battle your emotions out through your mind. There needs to come a time when you say ‘enough is enough’ and this is too hard to do.
This is the point we all got to before we found the way to ‘go within’ and do the true healing that does work on this.
K I need to suggest NARP to you to stop the torment and find the fast, direct and true way to heal.
It is a very small financial commitment; you have a full money back guarantee. There is nothing to lose, and getting on the real path of your recovery to gain.
Then you will start getting well, and the torment will have an end to it.
You have seen first-hand the difference NARP has made to people who were previously struggling like you are now.
If you don’t choose your healing today – when? If you don’t commit to you – who will?
Mel xo
Mel,
I am feeling much better.However I find myself driving by her house sometimes.Surely not a good move.Yes I much dig deeper and heal more.Thanks for the timely article.
Best Wishes Bill
Hi Bill,
It’s great you really want to get to the bottom of this – and I am so pleased this article inspired you to get there!
Mel xo
Thank you for this inspiring article! The person in my life continues to attempt to hook me back in and I have behavioral habit to jump and respond. This helps me understand my core belief system and why I continue to go back to the narcissistic abuse.
My childhood was not the best based on abandonment and abuse and I realize no human will ever define my identity or fulfill me. The only one is my higher power….God. 🙂
Hi Rsk,
You are very welcome and thank you for your post!
That is so great that you have realised you need to work on defining and creating you.
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
Your N Abuse Recovery Program has helped me so much. I started it last May. My life was in shambles, and I was an emotional wreck. I had been visiting this page for several months before committing to the NARP.This part is a little difficult for me to put into words,but Im going to give it a shot. I knew that I could not continue on the path that I was following, What I read in your blogs, and about your personal experience, was very similar to what I had lived through. This was the only place where the insanity of my N experience made any sense at all. Still, it took me awhile to make the decision to try your program. At the time, I blamed my resistance on my financial situation, but that was an excuse. Part of me was afraid of change. I was scared to give up the resentments that I was holding on to. As I said, this part is difficult to explain, but I hope it may help others who are on the fence about trying the program. It really does work. I am much better off now then I was last May, and my life continues to improve as I release and heal from the pain of my past.I encourage anyone who has been the victim of N abuse to try this program.
Thanks so much Mel,
Hope and Love to You All
Rosalie
Hi Rosalie,
Thank you for your post, and you are so very welcome. It has been lovely seeing your powerful progress and observing you as one of the people in the NARC Facebook Group who truly are achieving the breaking free of narcissistic abuse and emotional mastery that is achieved with the deep inner healing processes of NARP.
I know you held back for a while, and it is ‘sad’ (in human terms) that others do too…because there are such personal quantum leaps in healing when people, such as you, do commit.
I am so pleased you did commit, and I hope other people also get inspired by your post. Because it doesn’t have to be long, hard and painful way. And truly, like you, I wish many more people to experience the direct, guided and easier way.
Mel xo
Melanie,
Excellent article. There is a saying that when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I have been trying to work on changing my responses to the narcissists in my life (in laws that I just don’t see going no contact with, but we have significantly reduced contact) and your article is so timely. I find myself getting distracted and focusing on what they are doing wrong instead of focusing on what I can do to make my situation better. I see now how changing core beliefs can help me do this. Thank you!
Hi Lisa,
I am so pleased that you are starting to understand that it can all change and come from ‘within you’.
This is where your true power lies!
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie, I am so glad iI have found you and will be definitely purchasing the narp program this week.
I am working hard at getting my head around the whole situation I find myself in and tell myself he is behaving like he is because he is a narcissist and at the moment I am receiving the silent treatment but I am really worried how my children can make sense of this. One minute he is the involved father but the next it is like he gives them the silent treatment as well. It is like he doesn’t want his own children to be part of his new life with the other woman and her children. He wants to keep it all separate. Our children are all teenagers and I worry how his behavior will effect them. Thank you.
Hi Kally,
you are very welcome!
It is wonderful that you are commiting to NARP because when you do, what you will find is that all of the anguish, confusion and obsession will start clearing away, and be replaced by solidness, honouring yourself and knowing how to ‘be’ in this.
Then you will see an incredible shift in your children, and you will know how to ‘create’ them in this situation.
The people whose children are faring the best and working through their stuff with the narc ex-parent, are those children whose non-narc parent is doing the deep inner healing processes.
You will see, once on NARP, how this all starts falling into place for you – and I will be there as well with your personal healing journey to grant you the suggestions and tips how to ‘shift’ this for your kids.
Mel xo
I have to say every week I really look forward to these blogs! Not only because of what you write Mel, I get so much out of what everyone else writes! I feel I was luckier then most this latest n experience was no where near the severity of most that I’ve been reading about. Even though I did not know about N abuse, I knew all along something wasn’t right. I did ignore those core feelings and try harder to make him happy so the sweet guy would be here instead of the jerk! The first major abusive thing he did ( isolation and the silent treatment) I kicked him out! I’m sure if I had tolerated that, the abusive behavior would have escalated! The relationship was only 10 months long! That isolation and silent treatment brought memories screaming back to me of another relationship I was in. I remembered all to well how it progressed after the first silent treatment! That’s why I sent him packing! The other major N relationship I had lasted almost 2 years and was much more devastating and harder to get out of and stay away from. But that one ended over 12 years ago and I am way over him. But clearly I didn’t learn my lesson from that one…so I got involved with another one! Now I get it! But I feel that a lot of the damage came from the 2 year one! I have worked all the modules in the NARP program. I feel I have a lot of healing of my inner core to do. It’s interesting that even though it’s been about 10 days since I did the last module Things just pop into my head! Like now realizing my dad is a N and the abuse my mom went through..but she didn’t help make it better for us, she turned around and abused us kids. So I need to heal my inner child! There were times pretty early on in this latest N relationship that I knew I should end it. But that meant being alone again. Being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely…So what’s wrong with being alone? I have realized recently that maybe it comes from the many days of being banished to my room away from the rest of the family as a punishment. For either doing something wrong or getting bad grades. Once is was report card to report card. Or if we were sick we were also banished to our rooms. Being retired I can spend days alone at home…so I looked forward to his return in the evenings for company. My anger is gone, I take full accountability for putting myself in the relationship. I didn’t have boundaries! Everything happens for a reason right?! What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! Wow guess I just needed to share!
Hi Sharon,
thank you for your post!
Yes I agree there are some amazing ‘sharings’ that happen on this blog that truly are wonderful!
It is fantastic that you have understood and applied yourself to healing ‘my unconscious pattern’…
This is the true key to healing – absolutely!
It is when people don’t go deeper, and don’t address their limiting belief systems that have accumulated throughout their life, who don’t break free from the ‘less than patterns’ which haunt them.
Absolutely everything happened for a reason, and the things which ‘happen’ that are not to our liking are showing us that we have beliefs that we need to heal.
There is no emotional state or event in our life that we cannot heal, and change in the future to ones we do enjoy, once we take on this level of ‘self-responsibility’. We can become unlimited in how good we can feel and the realities we can create, and that is exciting!
This means healing our past – knowing we are not ‘doomed’ to it.
Rather it is a gift providing the essential springboard to Who We Really Are.
Keep up the great work!
Mel xo
hi Sharon, I understand about being sent to my room often and being kept in there time after time for just wanting to be heard. I was always frightened and all I wanted was for mum or my step father to listen to my cries for help. Instead of listening, I was punished.
What happened from then on is I started believing my room was my safe place, so took myself there and started shutting down, withdrawing. Even during my relationship, including past ones, I was always spending time in my room. At the moment (for another week), I am living with my mother (she helped me after my parting from the Narc) and I spend a lot of time in my room reading or relaxing, instead of in the loungeroom. So the belief I was not worth listening to has followed me to this very day (in my 40’s)! Childhood patterns can follow us into adulthood, creating less than experiences that I truly believe we need to heal from. NARP is wonderful, isn’t it! how it gets to the root of our issues and clears them out. ❤
Oh yea..I too found myself getting heavy when I was working the modules. Almost dozed off a couple of times! What I am doing now is every night I fall asleep listening to module 10. I always what you hear while you are sleeping goes into your subconscious. I’m usually asleep in the first 5 minutes! I want to see if all the positive things Mel says about how you feel about yourself goes into my subconscious. I have already did all the work in the modules!
Hi Sharon again,
another reason I forgot to post earlier for the ‘heaviness’ is because of the theta brain-wave state the healings take you to (the frequency that most directly speaks to the programming of our unconscious belief systems)…
Sometimes I find because of the ‘spacey’ feeling of the healings – if I am tired I have to get up and have a walk to stay awake. At times of working really hard, and being tired, I have even done shifts standing up to stay awake!
Definitely if you have already processed the shifts in the 10 Modules and worked hard on them, then you will still be getting benefit even if you aren’t awake!
Mel xo
Hi
It was only yesterday that i realised i have been living a life of narc abuse for 6 years now. I am shattered and i feel as though my world is crumbling. I feel that i cannot beleive that this person could knowingly treat me this way and that his love is not genuine. I can go on and tell you all that has gone on over the last 6 years but i have read it all in other people posts. Although i have never been physically abused. Which is the strangest part for me. I didnt know that my emotional pain is as great as any physical pain i have ever endured. Because i stopped feeling. . . I really dont know where to start as i am still in disbelief and i guess also in denial. Can someone please guide me on where i need to start
Hi Rachel,
Melanie is your best guide to get you started. May I suggest signing up for the newsletters and possibly sending her a very brief email, getting to the point of what you may need as she reads hundreds a day and can’t read them if they are too long. The Narc abuse we all suffer/d from is textbook and Wow! so amazingly accurate to all of our experiences. The differences are though, how we as individuals experience the pain and Melanie’s guidance will set you personally in the right direction. I started with reading and understanding Narcissism and this was when with a very high end Narc, although I was not physically ‘hit’, but was physically abused in other ways. Also physical pain becomes a reality after enduring a lot of emotional, psychological abuse, as you would know. It becomes physical abuse and it would only be a matter of time before it would be just that in the true sense. I got out just before, after being threatened the last night I was in his company. Couldn’t believe the man I was looking at, who was stripping me from life on every level, was the same man I fell in love with. Big shock when I found out about narc abuse too. Before leaving, thankfully I found Melanies website and started working on boundaries, empowering myself the best I could and it helped me to survive or I would not have. So total focus on you now Rachel and possibly do as I suggest above and then NARP to really begin the powerful healing process. ((((hug))))
Hi Rachel,
Yes when we finally get the realisation it is earth shattering. And then we think “How did I not know about this?”
The sad thing is most of us had no idea what narcissism was until we got narcissistically abused.
I feel for you greatly because I do remember the place where you are now.
Rachel my greatest recommendation (and it is always this) is to as soon as you can move into the deeper healing processes. Many people do right from the word go – and there are many people that hang back.
The people who do hang back have a much greater period of pain, confusion and trauma than the ones who get started straight away.
I truly wish more people could experience the powerful relief and clearing with NARP sooner rather than later – instead of battling it out the hard, long and unnecessary way.
The longer you keep stuck in ‘your mind’ trying to sort out the unfathomable the harder and more painful it gets. When you drop into the inner emotional healing processes you go direct to your relief, release, solutions and empowerment.
I hope this helps
Mel xo
Hi Rachel….go deep within your heart and soul and decide the type of life you want….peace, freedom, love, reality , happiness etc or a fearful unsafe life dictated by an N ?? then committ to healing and not surviving but thriving as Mel would say. I started with by listening to some of the radio shows on the Mel’s website in archives. This gave me inspiration and knowledge to drive me to take action on me! Then I did my first QFH with Mel and felt instant relief. I felt lighter, happier and excited that I could overcome my horrific ordeal. I then embarked on the NARP and started to look after me. I devoted a lot of time to the program, redoing many sessions snd absorbing lots of info to the radio program’s. I learnt things I never even knew snout but ironically it all made so much sense. I eat healthy, exercised, slept well, surrounded myself with good people and also did things I loved doing because I could. “no contact ” is essential. Mel is do amazingly knowledgable snd I would not recommend this you you if I didn’t believe I can honest say she saved my life!!! Hang in their I promise you will reap the rewards of the work you put into you, results come quickly and it is delightful. All the best and to Mel – great work be beautiful lady 🙂
Hi Zoe,
thank you for your post – and I am so pleased you are doing so well…
Tnank you for also inspiring others to do their inner work and create breakthrough.
Hugs!
Mel xo
Thank you zoe and jac , I am so lost in all my thoughts and feelings that I feel very helpless. I have listened to a couple of the radio shows and as much as it now all makes sense, its left me feeling all the more confusing how I let this happen and more so how I didn’t see it. We also have two beautiful girls ages 3 and 18 months and I am dreading what’s coming for them to the point that maybe I should ignore all this and just go back to just getting on with it….for their sakessakes.
Rachel, please start by at least hearing what Mel has to say. Reading too much will only confuse you and it is only just happening for you.
For your sake and your children, please don’t give up as if you quit now, you will be robbing them of the best and better life you and they deserve. Trust your instincts and don’t let your head and fragile logic decide. I didn’t listen to my gut and I moved in with him, not really knowing him at all. I had unhealed parts which I ignored and lived with a man who also in the end I nearly lost my life too. When you become empowered and get to the acceptance stage of who you may be dealing with, then your decision to stay or leave will be one from empowerment, not of sacrificing yourself and your children to keep him happy. Take care. X
Hun,
truly when you start doing the inner work – you will be astounded at how quickly clarity will come for you, and your daughters – when you start releasing the muck with the QFH process in NARP…
It makes all the difference….
And no sweetie this is not about going ‘back’ its now your opportunity to go forwards….and that is exactly why this is happening….
You can do it…
Mel xo
Think about it Rachel..your little girls deserve to have their mom whole, and the best mom she can be! Please for your daughters…start doing the inner healing work, that is the best gift you can give them. The pain and confusion you are feeling now they will feel later if you stay with the N…because he will do to them what he has done to you!
HI Melanie, Great article again and since working with NARP I have started to think differently and therefore ‘believe’ things and feel things differently. Without even realising it sometimes, I find myself acting differently and in a more positive way, which are self serving, rather than destructive. Some days I feel drained after working with a QF session the night before, but it passes and it feels to me, that I have possibly cleared something. After a few days (usually have a break for 3 days or so after a session) I sometimes feel something else that is causing me anxiety or triggering racing thoughts and so I get straight in and work on shifting it.
It is interesting when we start doing the work on ourself, how much we notice other people, whether friends or family, who are in negative belief systems and hang onto those beliefs, only creating more of the same problems in their life. I never say anything to them, as it is not my job to point out or try to help them, as all they do is get defensive and label me as ‘self righteous’, so I just observe (without judgement), hoping they will find a way. For example, people I know live in the ‘drink, & smoke’ social scenes and ‘misery enjoys company’ scenarios where they seem to all be happy and having fun, but some of the comments I hear are “I wish, I was skinny and looked like her” or “I am sick of feeling hungover” etc. but keep acting out the less than beliefs about themselves. They believe they need to drink a lot in order to feel happy and be a part of a group, to fit in. Since moving away from those groups and scenes, I have found people aren’t as interested in getting together with me, compared to when I was a part of it, but they don’t realise I am wanting to look after myself and change my attitude to live a better life, real life and not live in an illusion that alcohol provides. Beliefs are so powerful as you said, and I also believe that each one of us creates ‘us’ and everything about our life.
NARP is helping me get to the end of my life time of pain. It truly is working “I believe that” 🙂 ((((hug))) and love to you from Tassie.
Hi Jac,
yes it is very true that when we become our own energetic reality then people will either move into that space or move out…
And this may certainly mean for you my love, that these people are no longer an energetic match for you. It doesn’t mean they are ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ – they are just no longer a match…
Which means it’s time to let them go, not be concerned that they are not making an effort (they aren’t meant to now the vibration is different) and open up to the gorgeous energy of a whole lot of new people coming into your experience who are the same energetic match 🙂
People do not need to ‘change’ to grant us wellbeing and fulfilment. We are after all unlimited beings connected to ‘all of life’ – there is plenty everywhere, and when we unconditionally love – then we allow everyone to be who they choose to be – and simply choose our reality in light of that.
Mel xo
Thanks Mel, There are a lot of people in my life that I care about and I do just let them find their way. Some friends have been inspired by how I am healing and have asked how, so I send the link to your site and let them decide from there. The others friends and some family are always there for me, but I choose not to get involved in the unhealthy social scenes. Life is great and getting better each day. The more I shift, the lighter and freer I feel. Have some triggers still and a long way to go but I am looking at the changes happening in me as my new chapter and Journey to an amazing new life, that dreams are made from.
Meeting interesting people who are like minded and my confidence is growing.
It’s the Deloraine Craft Fair (Tasmanias largest working craft fair) this long weekend and it is buzzing with creative inspiring people. I live just down the road from the venues.
X
Rachel I understand that this can be emotionally overwhelming. Trust yourself, you will embrace healing only when it is right for you. Your a mum and a great mum. You want the very best for your children. This means not only an abundance of love but a life of truth , filled with good models and safety. The issues don’t resolve. As much as we wish it all was not real and we could sweep it under this doesn’t not help in the big picture. Everything will be ok snd happen at hsve time for you. A few things that got me over the line , quotes from old wise owls … Better to come from a broken home than lived in one and their have been ultrasound done on children’s brains to show comparisons of their development – living in fear , volatile environments etc massively effect the brain development – scary. Maybe confronting but you will work out that is best. So very daunting and unachievable to go this journey alone. You will never really be alone though. A positive vibration will attract the support for you to form a community of wellness and you have the love you need from your beautiful babes. Good luck
Exactly! Thank you for making it clear to me! 😉 I knew it was something like that, but BELIEFS is in the bottom, that it is!
Now; to work! 😉
Thank you Melanie!!!!
Hi N.M.S.D,
You are very welcome!
Good job!
Mel xo
This comes at a good time. I’m having an awful time refraining from contacting ex N. I know & am close w/his family & I have SUCH a strong urge to contact him just to say let’s be friends & civil with each other. I feel this will lead into old habits & need advice on how to NOT contact him. It’s SO so so hard. And yes, i’ve read the recovery program books & am doing the mp3’s. Does anyone else get tempted?? 🙁 Thanks..
Hi D,
Yes I am sure we can all relate to wanting to make contact with our N, however everyday that goes by and you don’t, its one step closer to healing. Read the NO CONTACT book (if you havent)and then read it again and again. It helps, and yes I struggle every minute of every day to not make contact. Its been over a month of no contact for me and every morning I wake up with the temptaions and I just give myself a good look in the mirror and say NO. I still cry everyday for the loss of the dreams, the illusion etc. I am going to purchase the program that MEl provides to us, I think its the only way to fully heal, otherwise its going to be a really long hard road without it. Also dont think for a second that you an be friends or civil with a NARC, not gonna happen! I promise you that. Tons of prayers!
Hi D,
yes we do or did get tempted when we had unresolved beliefs causing us to be tempted.
If you try to battle that out with your mind, you are not transforming the limiting belief, and this means you are trying to address this ‘urge’ in the ‘whiteknuckling’ withdrawal way, which is incredibly difficult and can end up powerless with the possible fate of breaking No Contact.
D, we are all human ‘beings’ we are not human ‘doings’. This ‘doing’ (this urge to reconnect) is not going to change for you until you address your ‘being’ – and that is what the process of QFH in the NARP Modules does if you apply it.
What you need to be doing is every time you have that ‘urge’ (and any other painful emotional that is triggering you) go to the Module that fits the description of what you are feeling (or Module 1 if you can’t pinpoint it) and work diligently with that negative emotion in order to get to the limiting beliefs and your unhealed parts that are causing the emotion, and clear them.
Then you simply will not have that urge anymore.
And this won’t happen until you address it.
I hope you understand now what you need to do, and please ask other questions you may need to in order to clarify.
Mel xo
Thanks so much for the replies..I keep looking for chat rooms for advice/people in same circumstances to befriend, etc but can’t find any. Also my Dr. said i’m codependent because i care so much what his family thinks of me among other reasons, including wanting us to be civil so when we run into each other at holiday gatherings it won’t be weird (who am I kidding?) So she had me reading stuff about that as well. I didn’t get why I was doing so good for a few wks now it’s so hard. EXTREMELY hard. I know it’s because like Mel said..i’m doing it the withdrawal way (but have read all the recovery books). I will keep trying the QFH, although my computer doesn’t let me print out the forms. It says it’s a different format or something. Also I can sometimes only do them 1/2 hr at a time. Could that be why i’m failing? Sometimes I would love to not wake up. The only thing that keeps me here is my 10yr old daughter. Thanks for the prayers..I don’t know what else to try so will just keep plugging along doing my homework. xoxo
Hi D…I know how hard the no contact can be! Especially if he doesn’t seem to try and contact you! I also went through a period of..why can’t we be platonic friends? I need help around here and he is handy…we can help each other out! Then think of the way he treated me and who he is and there is a reason none of my friends liked him…do I really want that as a friend? NO! Plus I’d be trying to be friends and he would be trying to hook me back in! So best to just stay away! Also I think part of the draw was I still wanted accountability from him..and maybe some closure..But when I accepted that I would never get these things from him…I was able to let go! Healing yourself and having a happy healthy life is the best closure there is! I will be happy to be your friend and do what I can to help you through this!…..Sharon
Hi! I know exactly what you are going through, as I am going through it right now as we’ll. My Narc left 2mths ago after a couple of days of absolute hell, I put his SHAME in his face and he was gone. I felt fabulous and very empowered. Now two months later he has moved back to our small town and lives two streets over and I can see when he is coming and going. I find myself waking up around the time he leaves for work and I look out the window and watch him go and feel the most excruciating longing I have ever felt in my life. My dream home is up for sale and I am still living in it. However, this is very painful as everywhere I look or sit, there is a memory attached to it. Good or bad still brings me to tears. I was doing sooo much better when he first left as he moved about an hour and a half away. Now he is back. Killing me! I find it difficult to do the program as it does not fit some of my beliefs , such as past lives. Soo very hard to do sometimes. However, knowing that I am not alone in what I am going through is an enormous help. Thanks for being here, and we must stand together. We can do this! Luv, Dawn xo
Hi D,
yes it is because you are not dedicating to the Modules – you are trying to do it through ‘your head’ and ‘information’ rather than working the processes on your belief systems.
D this is the prioroty you need to make. And if you can’t print out the sheets, write them out….
The difference between the people that do work the processes and the ones that don’t is always apparant….
That is your answer, work the Modules and don’t make any excuses as to why you are not…
That is if you really do want to get better..
Mel xo
Yep, I’ve been handwriting them..
Thanks so much..i’ll keep trying 🙂
And I want more than ANYTHING imaginable to get past this & get better!!
D..
xo
Hi D,
YAY! Now you are on the right track – totally!
Great stuff! 🙂
Mel xo
Thanks Sharon…that’s exactly the type of stuff I was thinking..& my friends didn’t like him either..they said he had an ‘insane’ look in his eyes. Which his family called him by the way. He’s also an alcoholic which drove a lot of the rage. I’m just one of those ppl that doesn’t like to ‘not’ get along if that makes sense. Hence why we’re always the ones trying to keep the peace in the relationship to begin with. I know I have to like myself more (so very hard a concept!) I can make everyone else smile/laugh, but hard for me. The modules will help, I have to have faith. And yes, the more friends the merrier! Too bad there isn’t a way to private message. I lost my job of 10yrs last yr also which now I have nothing but time to think even while applying for jobs. All the friends went with the job sadly. Just can’t wait for something to click & be happy once again. Love u guys for supporting!! Thanks Mel xoxoxo
Wow D…sounds like we have some things in common! I lost my job 2 years ago, and for me that was like a bad break up! It was real hard! I have been thinking that I should work the modules on that! Get this…my ex, a Narcissist, alcoholic, and a hoarder! Wow I had hit the jackpot! And abusive to animals! I’m not sure what the rules are here…I will ask Melanie if it’s OK to put my last name on one of these posts, that way we can connect through facebook! Mean while just keep checking here!
Wow…he put my cat in the fridge once (true story). And hoarder?! Not sure if that is him but i think so..stuff EVERYWERE..floor completely covered in trash,papers, clothes, etc..to the point he yelled at me once to get off his clothes on the floor & I said “I can’t float!” I burst out laughing because the dirty clothes were in baskets & the clean ones on the floor..unable to mentally clean for himself, said it was ‘overwhelming’. I still can’t figure why i miss him when I think of such things but it sounds like u understand..just need/want him to feel bad. There is a good module for that I just did & will be redoing over & over & over. Maybe Mel could email us each others info if it’s allowed. Or yea i’ll keep checking on here. I feel i’ve exhausted all my friends that are left because they don’t understand the ‘hook’. Sad.. I am on facebook though..hopefully we can connect. Would be nice if we lived in same area LOL.. (cough cough New England) 🙂 Thank God for ppl like Mel..xo Also glad the wkend is almost over..wkends are tough not to reach out to him..have to stay away from my phone/computer..
Cat in the freezer..pretty bed! Does he ever throw stuff away? My ex hoards old abandoned vehicles, about any machine someone is throwing out! Any type of building supply too! Inside his house not only is it filthy but some rooms you can’t even walk into! Worst is the ponies…he hoards ponies! There are over 50 and he has fathers breeding daughters and brothers and sisters! And they are all neglected! It’s weird when you list whats wrong with them…you have to wonder why were we even with them! And you know he isn’t going to feel bad…they are narcissists! They don’t feel! Its crazy! When I think back on it he really wasn’t that much fun!
Hi D…I emailed Melanie..she said if you send her an email with the same request(exchanging email addresses) She will send you my email address!
Dear Mel,
In relation to this article on changing our beliefs and regarding my little ‘crisis’ that I emailed you about, where I was feeling quite anxious and agrophobic, unable to walk into a busy space, well I wrote down my fears and beliefs about why I may be feeling that way and then worked with Module 1 QF from the NARP programme. I not only shifted the feelings successfully but the reasons why I believed (things about myself from way back) that I couldn’t enter the space. I am relieved and excited and will not fall back into the old way of feeling and thinking. NARP really targets the issue, clearing it out ‘from my experience’ it truly has. Love to you x
Hi Jac,
I am so please you have had this great breakthrough.
Truly agoraphobia and PTSD are not life-long sentences that can only be ‘managed’. They are directly treatable by addressing and transforming the beliefs that are creating these ‘symptoms’.
Once the beliefs are transformed through the deeper inner work in NARP these symptoms no longer exist.
To get lasting change we can’t just address symptoms we need to transform the REASONS for the symptoms.
This is where true healing emerges.
Great job!
Mel xo
…and I would call that, for me personally a GIANT Quantum leap! ☺
Hi Sharon,
I emailed you..& thanks again Mel!!! 🙂
xoxo
Hi Sharon,
you are so very welcome.
It is beautiful that you and D have been able to connect personally.
Happy to help! 🙂
Mel xo
Melanie…I cannot believe how, with every article you write, I find myself learning more and more about myself and my narcissist. This article is so true.. I have been trying to move forward, thinking “its okay, I know how to handle him now”. But time after time I’ve been pulled back into his grip. Thank you. Now I realise I cannot simply change what I do unless I believe in why I do it. I have just began my long road ahead, but I am learning so much from you, that I can finally take tiny steps. You have given me something else to work on xxx
Melanie,Ive been working very hard on maintaining no contact with my ex N.Its been 4months, however last week his father passed away, he sent me a text message with this horrible news. He asked me if we could meet to talk about what happened and funeral arragments. The momment I got into the car with him i felt myself sinking into withdrawn quitness.He went on and on about himself and his inheritance not one tear fell from his eyes.All i could do was hang my head and cry…All the trauma he caused me in our 6yrs together came flooding in.It was your words that pulled me out. Everything ive learned thru your sapport helped me walk away that night with out getting sucked back into his grasp. I want to personally thank you. I do understand I have alot of work to do yet. Some days are easier then others.
I have just started viewing your site I have known for a long time that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but have just heard about narcissisim I have just suffered a horrible emotional trauma the usual lying and going to his x for narcisstic supply I made a mistake and told her she was interferring in our relationship
and asked what her religious views were on that the whole family jumped on me and I feel horribly beat up but I still think that I was valid in my anger but how do I heal
I did’t know what was happening with me. I did’t know what a Narcissist was. I throw him out one day because I could not take anymore lies, neglect etc. I did not have the answers then and thought I was crazy. I spoke with my sister who told me I was in a N relationship, and she directed me to your site. Now I understand. Found out he only married me for a green card, and when he got it I was no longer needed. I have read everything I can on N. I thought I was handling it well until I broke down in tears, anger and pain. I see this man at work almost everyday. He acts like I dont even exist. He walks around like nothing happened, enjoying himself. The feeling of being used and discarded hurts like hell. I really need help.
Hi Melody, It gets easier when the healing starts and that has to come from you. I recommend you read the following article, it will show you he may appear to be having a good time, but he is really is not.
I recommend NARP progamme too, and read the testimonials page…you will be amazed at how quickly your life can change for the better.
Hope this helps and in the meantime, please read the article, listen to the 3 video sessions under Articles, top right hand side of this article. The programme is explained there as well. x
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/has-the-narcissist-really-moved-on-and-having-a-great-life/
I truly tend to agree with every thing that ended up being written inside “How To Change Your Behaviour Without Slipping Back Into Old Habits
| Narcissism and Relationships Blog by Melanie Tonia Evans”.
Thank you for pretty much all the actual advice.I appreciate it,Lavada
Melanie,
So glad I found you! I purchased your
Program and have just started reading.
My divorce from this awful narsacist was final
On Friday. He had many girlfriends during the course of our divorce and one of them ended the relationship
And befriended me. I forgave her and convinced
Myself she was over my ex husband because
She claimed to see all the signs etc. However,
The day of my divorce hearing she goes back to
Him and tries to tell me how sorry she is but that
She has feelings etc. my ex told me that she will
Now be a part of my kids lives now that we are divorced.
Although she is still married at the moment.
It is not in the best interest of my children to have her
Around but there is not much I can do. I’m just not
Sure how I handle it without feeling sick.
Hi Melaine, Thank you for all you support.
I have just started the NARP programme I have done the first two modules.I feel very sad about the Narc,it feels like i am abandoning him as he is a very sick man and I also believe there is a good person under all the pain he demonstrates. How do I get past that, why am i going there as at a head level I really want to move on i spent 10 years being abused and kept breaking up and going back, total insanity on my part. please help me to understand why I am so sad about leaving this abusive relationship
thank so much Joan
Hi Joan,
you are very welcome.
It is early days for you in releasing pain – and there is a lot of hooks and trauma bonding to release.
Just keep going Joan, what you have is peptide addiction, and the more and more and more than you clear your body out of the pain, the more you will break free of it.
That is how your emotions which catch up with what you know logically.
Don’t try to work it out logically, just keep shifting the pain out with the healing Modules.
Relief will come..
Mel xo
Can you tell us more about this? I’d want to find out some additional information.
I am very early in my healing process. But this morning I woke up with immediate anxiety that doesn’t mean allow me to go back to sleep even if I wanted to. I felt nothing and and anxious about it. Then I immediately thought of my partner who narcissistically abused me and who I am in the process of leaving, and the feelings became not just stronger but I felt the addiction to him and blaming him for the way I felt. Yes he abused me, showed me in so many verbal ways how I am a bad wrong person, but I believed him. And the fact that I felt the nothing and the anxiety that comes with it was exaggerated when I aligned it with him, tells me the anxiety and belief is there regardless of him. It’s so easy to blame. When I am the one that stayed. So I say down and started reading some of your material (as I wait for day two of your free healing program) as part of my true healing Process of my self, not to blame him, but to know the part of me that accepting such obvious wrong treatment. I’m still anxious now as I write but I’m gaining strength, moment to moment. Thanks for being here with me in this way Melanie.
Hi Regina,
that is so great that you are on your way to Thriver Healing and want to heal.
You are so welcome, and many blessings to you.
Mel xo