Melanie Tonia Evans

What Separates A Co-Dependent From A Narcissist?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 3
80
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

What is great about our Thriver Community, and makes it so unique and empowering, is that we get it – we seek to understand what has unconsciously led us into painful and abusive relationships.

This, finally, releases us from powerlessness and victimisation, and puts us firmly in the driver seat of our life. Because we can now claim and heal our internal traumas to free ourselves from abuse and abuse symptoms.

However, when we realise that our unhealed wounds have led us into relationships with narcissists, we may wonder whether our levels of unconsciousness are healable, or even if they may have caused us to become narcissistic in nature.

Does this mean, like narcissists, our own True Self may be too buried under our trauma to be revived? Does it mean that our ego, and its attachment to the outer world to get relief and significance may be too energised?

So … what is the difference between narcissists and co-dependents?

I believe there are many similarities and some surface differences (which I explain in this episode) – such as the internal wounding and co-dependently assigning people outside ourselves to try to make us feel whole, and narcissists seeking “filling” through taking whereas the co-dependent seeks “filling” through giving … yet there is ONE thing that TRULY defines the difference.

It’s one SIMPLE thing which is possibly the most important criteria you could ever understand about yourself, life and how to become free enough to create your True Life.

And I’d love you to watch this Thriver TV episode to find out what it is!

I remember, back in the day when I finally did the journey inside to my traumas to meet them, love them and heal them … I was at first terrified. I thought they might be insurmountable.

Yet I knew I could never turn away from them again, and I applied the ONE difference that there is between me and narcissists. And, I got free.

I know, the very fact that you are connected to the Thriver Way, means that you can too.

Please let me know if you enjoyed this video and leave any questions you have in the comments below, I do my best to respond to all of them.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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80 Thoughts on What Separates A Co-Dependent From A Narcissist?
  • simms.r@att.net'
    Robert A. Simms, Jr.
    September 8, 2017

    Thank you for this video! Yes, yes, and yes! ♡&☮

    • jeannelundy@gmail.com'
      Jeanne
      September 9, 2017

      Dear Melanie,
      I listen to all of your videos. You are brilliant! Seriously, were you born with both a High IQ and High EQ in this life, or did you develop this?
      Warmth & Peace & Gratitude to You,
      Jeanne L (Summer )
      PS. You are helping me. I am 70 — never too late to heal — right? (I hope ;>)

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 9, 2017

        Hi Jeanne,

        awww gosh – I am just really blessed to have released so much trauma, Source flows through me!

        I really can’t take the Higher Intelligence credit – it is my Higher Self.

        At 70 you will rock this! Our True Self is ageless 🙂

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Hi Robert,

      my pleasure and I am so glad it resonated with you 🙂

      Mel xo

    • dalesparage@msn.com'
      Susan Sparage
      September 9, 2017

      Dear Melanie,

      You have helped me stay conscious and strong during a difficult relationship with a Narc. It took 2 years of off and on breaking up, after living together for 6 years to finally break free.
      I have been on a strict no contact, I blocked him from all devices. He still calls, I know this because I get messages in my blocked calls folder, in fact, I got one today. I have done a lot of healing, the charge is pretty much gone, however, when I get a call I find myself thinking of him, even without the calls I think of him often.

      I can answer my own question and advise myself to not listen to the call, just delete the message.

      Thank You for your amazing work and constant support! I really want to acknowledge and appreciate you for offering information, healing, and support, so generously.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 11, 2017

        Hi Susan,

        That is great that you are getting clearer on what you need to do.

        It truly is as Prema Chodren says, “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know” … and this definitely includes the pain and the obsession we have with N-abuse. When we go inwards and find and heal what is triggering us, then truly there is no connection with the previous N’s in our life. We break free spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

        I’d love to show you exactly how that happens Susan in my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar because it is a total game changer with how we recover.

        It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased I can help!

        Mel xo

    • thankinggod123@outlook.com'
      TM
      September 11, 2017

      Melanie —

      Thank you for your videos. This one especially hit home along with reading many of the comments below I continue to learn about myself and my trauma. I appreciate your insight of helping me to “wake up” and take control so that I can have a healthier life.

      Someone below asked this question. It was such a good one that I thought I would ask it again,
      ” I am curious about the different pathways of self-development, and this is a BIG question…what triggers one person to move idiwn the narcissistic pathway versus the co-dependent who moved in the other direction?” I have four daughters and their N father has so much influence on them. God bless you and your work!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 11, 2017

        Hi TM,

        it’s my pleasure 🙂

        I really believe where we end up being – as souls – is a part of our soul journey. I believe in evolution lifetime to lifetime. Is a soul still able to evolve or not? The reincarnated narcissistic individuals whose soul has been polluted and taken over by the ego, can’t – but can be an incredible grist for others to get their evolution done.

        The co-dependent still can turn it around, come home to themselves and evolve.

        This article of mine may help with the understanding I believe in.

        https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-soul-contract-with-a-narcissist/

        I hope this helps!

        Mel xo

  • timberwaters@yahoo.com'
    Tammy Hhhhhh
    September 8, 2017

    This was very helpful. I was doubting myself. It’s tough breaking away from my spouse but I’m already noticing a positive difference.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Hi Tammy,

      I am so pleased this has helped.

      Sending blessings and healing.

      Mel xo

  • nancymariec.nc@gmail.com'
    Nancy
    September 8, 2017

    Thank you for this! I have been struggling with this thought lately. About a year ago I was able to walk away from a narcissist that I had been in a relationship with for about 5 years. He was a cerebral narcissist and had quick trigger anger, and words that cut like a knife. Because I grew up in a house in which that happened all the time I hooked in instead and tried to please and keep peace.

    I’m in a relationship now with a very healthy kind person. Two things are concerning me. One is I still feel like my happiness still depends on outside validation. Also, I’m afraid that I’m going to sabotage this relationship. Am I the narcissist? It’s a terrifying thought.
    Thank you for always reinforcing that I need to go inside and work on myself and learn how to self-soothe. You have helped me so much!

    • dukefam01@yahoo.com'
      Faye
      September 8, 2017

      These videos and all the hard work that you do have been a lifeline for me. I recently divorced my narc of 33 years. It is so true about co-dependents looking to others for love and validation. Melanie is the only person I have found to tell the honest truth and not play the blame game (this only kept me a victim). I “woke up” when she said the narc was mirroring what we feel about ourselves. I’m new on this journey of self partnering. It is both frightening and exciting all at the same time. I now realize at 60 years old that I’m the captain of my own ship. I started going to therapists 30 years ago and was told I was co-dependent. I read ever book I could find on the subject. I had the head knowledge, but it never sank in, until now. Thank you for this very important work that you do. I know it’s going to save my life as well as countless others.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 9, 2017

        Hi Faye,

        I am so pleased you want to evolve and heal rather than stay a victim.

        I love that you want to take the wheel and steer your ship – that is so exciting for you!

        Bless you and I love that you are now a fellow traveller on this incredible journey!

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Hi Nancy,

      It’s my pleasure.

      I really do believe that ALL that is important is finding and releasing our trauma and becoming more wholistically whole people. Then we can’t go wrong!

      It is when we get into our head in “analysis paralysis” instead of doing that – that we will.

      Does that make sense?

      Mel xo

  • Katieshopsalways@aol.com'
    Katie
    September 8, 2017

    Wow!
    Excellent!
    The Truth!

    While listening to this video, it was like hundreds of crystal white, tiny Christmas lights turned on, inside of me, while I let go, released and became whole.
    A Quantum Leap indeed! 🦋🦋🦋

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Hi Katie,

      thank you and I am so pleased you enjoyed this.

      Awww I love that this granted you a shift!

      Mel xo

  • Elisabethmerritt64@gmail.com'
    Elisabeth
    September 8, 2017

    So it’s my fault I h childhood wounds and if my replacement doesn’t She can have a good relationship with him?

    • ema0305@hotmail.co.uk'
      Elaine
      September 8, 2017

      I would imagine she wouldn’t want a relationship with him if she doesn’t have any issues, she would see him for what he is and stay away

    • gwendolynleng9@gmail.com'
      Gwen
      September 8, 2017

      N’s aren’t capable of loving anyone. They are devoid inside. No one is capable of having an authentic, healthy relationship with a narc.

    • jonassahlberg@hotmail.com'
      Olivia
      September 8, 2017

      To add on to what Elaine and Gwen said, its not your fault Elisabeth, its no ones fault any of us are carrying wounds. We just took them in from the outside when we were children and they stayed. But we can release them now, we can be free from them.

    • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
      Valerie
      September 14, 2017

      Hi Elaine, not only is it not your fault, I believe our whole world is carrying generational trauma that has been passed from generation to generation. (War, famine, migrations, etc.) Western civilization hasn’t really had a way to heal trauma for at least 10000 yrs, until our generation. Blessings on your awakening! Welcome to the journey to freedom and joy 🙂

  • annedudova@gmail.com'
    Anne
    September 8, 2017

    I’ve been in three relationships with narcissistic men and the revelation came when I realised there had been a pattern of abuse, escalation of arguments etc. no matter how caring, loving, trusting, forgiving I was. I thought then that a pattern can logically happen only when there was one thing that was repeating, which was me and my people-pleasing, kind, co-dependent self. I had that feeling too of whether I was a narcissist at times when I was turning to my inner self for protection, but work on and the contentedness with myself only showed that I was not.

  • mmmlr21@live.com'
    Leanne
    September 8, 2017

    Hi Melanie, I’m co-dependent with my partner. He is not a narcissist, but his ex wife is and she manipulates and controls him and even has the ability to project herself through him onto me. It hurts deeply. It’s like I’m talking too, even looking at a stranger when she is coming through him. I can see and hear it’s not his words or actions and that she is holding the puppet strings over him. I love him, but I’ve had enough and I’ve joined the NARP program to heal myself. Do you think if I’m able to let go of my dependency on him that he may also up-level….or am I just wishful thinking?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Hi Leanne,

      I totally believe that when we heal and become a generative source of healthier more evolved relationships, that we can see incredible shifts in relationship with the people close to us.

      The truth is by the time we have done the work, we are in deep acceptance that if they don’t rise up with us – they don’t. Because no longer do we “need” them to – we have become enough of a whole source to ourselves that if we are no longer a match we can wish them the best and let go.

      All you need to do is work on you Leanne – and the rest will unfold and follow.

      Mel xo

  • simone@boehning.net'
    Simone
    September 8, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    thank you so much for your thriver episodes!
    I being a child of a narcissist and a codependent was wondering how it is possible that
    the children can be more emotionally mature than their parents. Can you explain that?
    My Dad is 72 years old, but his behavior sometimes is that of a 5 year old boy.
    He is not self reflecting at all.

    Love,
    Simone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Hi Simone,

      you are so welcome.

      Stunted emotional development is just that …

      When we create and work through our own inner development then we move into acceptance that our parents did the best they could and as adults, we are responsible for our Inner Being – even though we thought they were.

      I wish you a wonderful healing journey.

      Mel xo

  • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
    Sam
    September 8, 2017

    Wow… Mel, thank you SO much.. I have written before to say how when I first started waking up to the fact I was with a ASPD individual how much I realised how I had behaved like a narcissist in many of my relationships.. I was convinced at first that I was a narcissist/sociopath too. I now see how deeply co dependent I was but you are right, in that those behaviours can be the same as those of the narcissist. I was so desperate for attention and approval, especially from men, that I was highly promiscuous and lied, cheated, manipulated and deceived.. all the things you would claim a narc does!

    But I also have huge amounts of empathy so I know I did have a terrible conscious about all of this and spent most of my time acting out all these terrible behaviour’s, feeling bad about myself and then doing it even more to make myself feel better! Insanity! Alongside other addictions….

    It has been such a big wake up for me and I am SO grateful for the experience and for your teachings around this… oh wow. I have finally woken up and I feel truly content for the first time in my whole life and am seeing the female patterns of codependency in my family. I feel so grateful that I can stop this now before it passes on to my beautiful daughter, Aho!

    Thank you so much Mel.. you are an angel.

    Lots and lots of you and blessings on your life

    XXX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Hi Sam,

      I love your level of self-honesty.

      I love that you are healing and blessing you and Life.

      Mel xo

  • lisaadams1122@hotmail.com'
    Lisa
    September 8, 2017

    Yikes and thank you! I have wondered at times about myself and you have just helped me enormously to understand exactly which side of that line I am on 💖
    Blessings,
    Lisa 💕 (aka hard working angel 😀)

  • Pbeamanb@gmail.com'
    Pamela
    September 8, 2017

    Yes, thank you so much. I know I am healing and it’s the greatest feeling in the world. You describe very well what I’ve been going through. It’s been a definite struggle and I am amazed how it’s consumed my life. Feeling so blessed to work through it with you!

    Thank you very much,
    Pam

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2017

      Hi Pamela,

      it’s my pleasure.

      I am blessed to, to conjoin with you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • deebushell@outlook.com'
    Dee
    September 8, 2017

    Thanks doesn’t even cover how you have helped me. This video hit the nail on the head. Both my parents were narcs and childhood was one of abuse chaos rages violence and alcoholism. I believed there was something wrong with me and took all the blame as I did in a 36 year marriage to a cerebral covert narc. I have jumped through hoops bending over backwards to people please and perfectionism to get approval and validation from others. I am still caring for my 89 year old mother who is very frail physically but remains very powerful and malignant. It’s my last challenge made difficult by the fact that I love her. I’ve always sought and needed her love. I see now it’s trauma bonding and I have to accept it is what it is. She’s never going to become the loving mother I thought she would become if I loved her enough. I fell into the abyss of alcoholism and taking painkillers to anaesthetise my feelings repeating the destructive patterns I witnessed as a child and thought I was the narcissistic with my acting out but I’d tried every thing over the years to heal me. Many say you’ve saved them Melanie but you really did save my life. With you alongside my 12 step programme I am happy to say I’m 4 years sober and moving into the light when I thought I was finished. God bless you and your healing work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2017

      Hi Dee,

      awww I am so pleased I could help, and that you have come through so much to get to the other side.

      I love that you are living in the light!

      Mel xo

  • Dianna.kholodar@gmail.com'
    Dianna
    September 8, 2017

    Mel,
    I loved this article. I get how both conditions are the two sides of the coin. I fully recognize now how much of trauma is deeply buried within me and it’s impossible for me to carry on by ignoring it. I do the shifting and releasing exercises I learned from you. I have no problem vizualizing the shift. However, it seems that it remains to be a cognitive, and thus somewhat detached act – not a fully emotional, energetic, or cellular shift. As a result the trauma isn’t released out of my being. Can you please (please!) do an episode on this issue?
    With gratitude,
    Dianna

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2017

      Hi Dianna,

      I would love to help you with that – get to the deeper emotional shifts necessary.

      Are you in the NARP Forum – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?

      Because there is the help and the coaching to get through the block(s) not allowing you to emotionally connect to the trauma to release it up and out …

      Then all will be well!

      Mel xo

  • sara_massaro@hotmail.com'
    Sara M
    September 8, 2017

    It is a profound discovery to learn that both the co-dependent and the narcissist share the same inner wound of origin. I am curious about the different pathways of self-development, and this is a BIG question…what triggers one person to move idiwn the narcissistic pathway versus the co-dependent who moved in the other direction?

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    September 8, 2017

    Hi Mel
    This was very helpful in the basic way you spelt it out – I go through many a moments doubt if I am the narcissist and the ex is the victim. But I always get back to the same place – I am prepared to do the hard work to do new things and try make change in my life where as he seems to stay still doing nothing. I wonder as most narcs become one through wounding in childhood – so it’s not really their fault initially – do you believe it is in their power to change if they chose to wake up and recognise their wounds and actions? Also, I wonder how it is that people can go through similar traumas in childhood but one may become a narc and one becomes a co-dependent (or healing angel as you mentioned) who brings about change? So people in the same family take different routes – is that down to karma and soul contracts do you think?

    many thanks
    Sophie x

    PS. I also have witnessed someone who is narcissitic in one dynamic with one family member becoming co-dependent and attempt to be the healer in another dynamic with another person – so is it possible there are layers of narcissism to different degrees and complex patterns of relating which can alter a person in one relationship to the next – or is it more cut and dry than that – you either are narcissistic OR co-dependent? And the person looking like they are being the healer is another mask?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2017

      Hi Sophie,

      you are right this is about “am I prepared to heal my inner traumas?”

      I believe N’s could evolve into health – yet at the level of NPD they don’t wish to durably meet their inner traumas to heal them – and that is the issue.

      I answered that same question above … regarding why one “becomes” N and one “becomes” co-dependent.

      See my answer to Sara!

      Both N”s and codeps are trying to seek “supply” – it is just Ns will stoop much lower (without conscience) to do it. Switching roles is normal for both – depending on what can be gained – and it’s mostly completely unconscious.

      Mel xo

  • ksenjapodpecan@yahoo.com'
    Ksenja
    September 8, 2017

    Melanie,

    Thank you for this video!

    I totaly discovered that for myself and with your help (your blog and your program) 😉

    Thank YOU.

    Lots of love and hugs,
    Ksenja

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2017

      Hi Ksenja,

      you are so welcome – and sending you many blessings!!

      Love and hugs back to you.

      Mel xo

  • Cami.wagers@yahoo.com'
    Cami wagers
    September 9, 2017

    This episode could not have come at a better time for me. I am a co-dependent. Have heard a little about it over the years but didn’t realize the impact it was having on my life until I got into a narcissistic relationship. This relationship has been ongoing for over a year and a half and we now have a 2 month old baby. He no longer lives here though.
    The last few days I have doubted my sanity and thought that my actions are that of a narcissist. I have told myself and him for months that I am reacting normally to the things that are happening. I am being pushed to behave this way, defend myself. But the actions are very nsrcisstic. I was doubting my true intentions and where this was coming from. But I want help. That’s why I have been reading and watching and obsessing over my life. I want to be normal, healed, the best I can be. I knew I cared too much about people to be a true narcissist.
    This video has helped me have faith in myself again.
    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 15, 2017

      Hi Cami,

      I am so pleased you are feeling hope again.

      The truth is Dear One, until we release the traumas inside us which are generating our pain and acting out – we battle with it – no matter WHAT we try to learn to be different.

      Cami I’d love you to come into my free webinar and find out how to really heal as a result of releasing that trauma – http://www.melanetoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • doubledecker@freemail.hu'
    Betty
    September 9, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    Thank you for this useful reminder! Your videos help me a lot to stay focused! Since April 2016 I managed to keep distance from my family – especially my mother. I have had no contact with other family members for some years. This situation developed this way during the years and I’m relieved because I noticed that I’m more happier this way. Of course it was extreme hard to take the back track but I have felt for about 3 years that I need a positive change in my life regarding my family. In August 2017 I was brave and strong enough to face my fears and let my mother know via e-mail that I don’t want to tolerate her behaviour against me any more because she acts like nothing happened in the past, try to manipulate me and my emotions, and at Christmas she managed to turn my favourite relatives against me. It was shocking for me to experience that in real and with my own eyes. I suffered a lot and sometimes it still hurts because I feel that I have lost the most important relatives because of her. I have never thought I could get in such a situation that I have to break contact not only with my family but also my relatives because my mother will never change. She doesn’t want to let go the control over me, isn’t able to see me happy and is ready to do anything and manipulate everybody not to let the truth break the surface.
    I had to make some other difficult decisions last year and this year too. I managed to break contact with my best friend who is a girl after about 20 years of friendship in October 2016 and with one of my closest acquaintance after almost 3 years in July 2017. I think needless to say that these happenings also distressed me and drew my energy. It is so absurd to experience how many narcissists or people with such tendencies you had in your life!
    I don’t like politics so much but feel the need to listen to and read news sometimes to be able to orientate myself in the world. I don’t know whether you know the situation in the European politics but our country, Hungary is one of the member states of the European Union. There is a pressure of a tremendous number of immigrants on Europe for ages. The European Union manipulates media, doesn’t want to show the world the real face, nature of the immigrants and wants all of the member states to accept a huge number of immigrants and take them into the countries. Nowadays I can already see the negative side of the Muslim communities living in Europe and that the integration between such different 2 worlds is impossible. Lots of agression, violence, physical and emotional abuse, rape, terror attacks of the Islam have a shocking effect on me. Because of them I probably unconsciously recreate past happenings in my mind and heart and I feel bad because I don’t want to re-live my traumas in Europe regarding immigrants, Muslim communities and terrorists. I can’t accept the Islam religion because men don’t respect women, women have no rights in their eyes, they handle the women so inhuman like they were objects which they can use due to their needs.
    A warm-hearted and a conscious advice would be need now because I don’t know what I should do, how to calm my mind and make peace in my heart.

    Thanks in advance!

    Best regards,

    Betty

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Dear Betty,

      you are very welcome.

      That is wonderful that you have taken the stand that honours you and set that boundary, and my heart goes out to you that you suffered that smearing and pain as a result. It is a very common occurrence.

      And, it does seem that it is all coming to a head with those friendships in your life too.

      I agree that there is a lot of trauma going on in the world, and what I deeply believe is necessary for a solution is for all of us to get clean of that trauma.

      We are all connected and my understanding Quantumly now is, that the greatest thing I can do for the world and humanity is to free myself of all my related trauma and show other people how to do that also. So … one person at a time we heal the human race for the terrible grip of darkness that it has been plunged in to.

      The NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member is the tool to do that. Heal our trauma from childhood, adulthood – in all facets – and collectively for mankind.

      Many blessings to you Betty.

      Mel xo

  • Vanikabansal@gmail.com'
    VB
    September 9, 2017

    Thank you so much for this video..it makes so much sense..I was pretty confused before this, because I saw a similar addiction to external validation, self absorption, self righteousness, victimhood, neediness & dependancy in me and the ex narc…manifesting differently but having the same roots deep inside..
    ..it helps also to understand the similarity in order to have a greater degree of compassion and forgiveness for the narcissist in a detached way & let go of them without needing their validation, closure or accountability from them, when you realise that codependancy and narcissism are basically two sides of the same coin and that , they narcissists, lack the basic ability, integrity or consciousness to work on themselves..so cutting your losses and healing in a quantum way is the only way to heal for real for the other half.
    You have brought so much light into this space Melanie.
    Thank you and god bless you.

    love

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Hi VB,

      you are welcome:)

      I totally agree that this creates so much compassion and healing for the human race. Hatred and pushing back only makes it worse.

      I am so pleased you are feeling and standing in the light VB.

      Mel xo

  • sophia.worldwide@gmail.com'
    Sophia
    September 9, 2017

    Excellent!!! This video and the previous video could not have come at a better time in my own evolution in recovery since I found you nearly 2 years ago and started on my healing journey! Thank you so so so much for sharing and modeling your own recovery, your Quantum leaps and for addressing so many topics that have been on my mind since my awakening to looking within myself and not “outside” or spending mor time on learning more about the narcissists rather getting to know myself better, loving and caring for myself and getting back in touch with MY dreams and not fueling and supplying others! I listen and listen again to your videos on my healing journey. I love myself now in ways I could not before, and did not even know what that meant because I was so hooked into the needs of a series of narcissists. Now FREE and HAPPY!! I feel infinitely grateful for finding you and following your guidance wisdom and not giving up on myself when I went into a deep funk after no contact!! Best thing I have done for myself!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Hi Sophia,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you!

      Gorgeous that you are happy and free!

      Many blessings to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    September 9, 2017

    I do find that in everyday life is much more difficult to discriminate. I find that a lot of people who are narcissistic go to therapy, talk about their traumas all the time, announce they “get it” and want to change. Obviously they don’t mean it (or are they trying, in their limited way?) but it might not be easy to tell until you see their contradictions. On the other hand, lots of codependents , despite their good integrity, just give up the fight, and go through the motions, and never address anything and act out. Maybe its just the people I know. But I find it easier for me to discern narcissism on the basis of integrity; because if I should sort on the basis of consciousness, I’d have to think most people are narcissistic (which I don’t). The thing is We are all on some levels or another caught up in the Weitiko Trance; some have integrity some don’t; some find a way out, some never do. In the end, I ‘ve stopped caring about the distinction. My checklist in relation to people is “does this person have integrity or is malicious?”, in the latter case I run for the mill. the second test is “does she/he have sufficient resources to relate in a conscious enough way”. That might a bit more difficult to find out, but eventually you do. Just my 2 cents.

    Hugs hugs hugs beautiful Mel xxx LJ

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      I agree with you, I have seen this too. I think they are trying in their limited way. And a lot of them who may not be fully blown in seeking N-supply in pathological ways, are trying to seek relief and answers. Yet if the internal trauma is not being released it can’t really be resolved.

      I also totally agree with you that many co-deps don’t ever seek solutions. Your assessment is very accurate.

      100% this is about unconsciousness, and maliciousness is dangerous to be around. The latter we may be an example of light to bring forth their light.

      Mel xo

  • cordelia.worsley@gmail.com'
    seterah
    September 10, 2017

    Dear Mel

    You have saved my mental health. There is no way I could have got here without your skilled teaching. I have headed off 3 potentially damaging relationships in the last 3 years with men who have N traits. Each time I headed it off at an earlier stage. I know I have avoided further damage and I get that the massive, hypnotic attraction is that of seeking in another what we never got from our parents. It is intoxicating but wow, one heck of a terrible hangover afterwards. I have now got to the point of strength in laying strong boundaries with my mother and sister. Both of whom are manipulative and blame shift in the most skillful way. Now I can get hold of the slippery shadows and call it out, stand my ground and assert my value for the first time in my life. At last I am getting some semblance of respect but I have had to fight for it all the way, it is a disgusting thing to deal with but the only way is to get the tools and courage and self knowledge and self security from inside that no one can talk you out of. That is what I got from NARP and nothing else gave it to me. For the first time in my life I respect and truly like myself and I am standing up for my little me no matter what. I do not care if I have no family at the end of the day if the alternative is this ongoing toxicity and yet in the process something better is coming out of it. I am dragging my family into more honesty as much as they do not like it.

    I can not thank or praise you enough. It has been a hard journey, it has asked everything of me in terms of facing my fears and breaking through those horrible dark barriers that we truly do not even know are there, but so worth it. I wish all people here to find the internal peace and security. Keep going Mel. You are doing such good.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2017

      Hi Seterah,

      I am so pleased I can help and that NARP has generated such healing for you.

      That is wonderful that you can actualise and hold boundaries, and that your self-value is your anchor now.

      I am so happy for you Seterah that you courageously walked through your dark night of the soul to come out the other side.

      That is so true meeting ourselves calls for more from us than we ever knew was possible.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • mariacrystalp4@yahoo.com.au'
    Maria
    September 10, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank-you for this v. insightful & helpful presentation. So clear.
    If only I didn’t feel like I just don’t get it.
    Today is my 62nd birthday & my 7th day of doing Mod. 1. (short version today)
    Received a healing & it was lovely, & wonderful to have some relief from constant pain in my neck & shoulder. Then a friend, (one of v. few, I tend to be a loner. a lonely loner, who would love to have a few functional friendships) who I have had a fairly rocky connection with for over 10yrs rang straight after to wish me a Happy Birthday, adding that she couldn’t go out with me because she had something else on. Usual story.

    And it wasn’t enough for me & straight after the lovely healing I was triggered & ended up angry because she said I always play the victim & feel rejected & have expectations of friends. Well, to be honest. I think we all do,…have expectations…to a degree. I had also just finished reading something you said about, “I don’t do people who turn up late anymore” & I felt well, I don’t do people who don’t have a fair sense of give & take anymore. I consider that to be a necessary foundation for a good friendship, & I told her that. She just won’t give in ways that I really need from someone I consider a real friend. V. rarely offers a cup of tea when I visit. Never invites me over for a meal. Never initiates anything. But happy to receive my generosity & warm (Greek-Cypriot) hospitality.
    To be honest I can’t understand how she can be so withholding, so tight in that way. This has been an on-going unresolved issue in our friendship for ages now & she says she can’t tolerate my ‘demands’ & to be honest I can no longer tolerate her selfishness in this respect.
    I felt a murky mix of relief & remorse & self-doubt & loss & confusion afterwards.
    I am concerned that I find myself in these situations, especially at my age. This friend has been good to me in other ways, but I feel that if I never made contact, I probably might hear from her once in a blue moon. So confused.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2017

      Hi Maria,

      it’s my pleasure.

      Please know this when we start the healing journey – it is about “relishing” (truly) the triggers that arise and will get set off – because we can say to ourselves “There’s the next BIG one” and take it straight into Module 1.

      Maria, please know this is all in perfect and divine order and your Inner Being and Life is co-generating the perfect experiences to grant you the fast track healing that you want in order to be free. What better way for the traumas to surface than to have another human being set it off for you.

      And when you go within on this one, what you will find are original traumas such as “I’m insignificant. No on-cares. I’m irrelevant to others” whatever it is .. that you deeply felt as a child (and could be epigenetic/generational), which has been playing out with others and narcissists ever since.

      And you are right absolutely – one sided relationships when we start to heal and evolve are not our truth anymore. The healing after releasing the trauma that gets triggered is that when we do lay boundaries, we can do so in ways that are healthy, that can inspire those who are capable to step up – and allows us to be non-traumatised if they don’t, or have a go back at us.

      When we get solid inside and healed it really is not a drama no matter what other people say or do, on the topics we have shored up within.

      The murkiness you are feeling is about “I need to go within and release this trauma” – period.

      I learnt long ago Maria when I don’t go within and try to work out my confusion the human way I truly don’t get evolution on that thing. I get more pain and repeat until I lean into it and do a healing on it.

      And the other thing I learnt is resolution and calm and inner solidness does not come until AFTER doing the inner shifts.

      Then it always comes.

      You’ve got this Maria!

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    September 10, 2017

    I am in court again tomorrow after 6 years of separation, and feeling worried about the outcome. Today I need to really clear my energy and take a stand, and not be attached to the outcome. My co-dependencey really showed up in my financial dependence, and back support owed at this point is a huge amount of money. He claims to be bipolar and has doctor notes to prove it. He is a brilliant manipulator. At 53 years of age, i am really struggling to make ends meet as I was laid off from my job 6 months ago. I am training to be a sound healer, but this will take time to build. On top of it, my lawyer was even saying how nice my ex has been in providing all the documents. She is pushing me toward mediation and less than half of what he owes in arrears. I know this sounds rather gloomy, and it is difficult, but a part of me knows, that whatever the outcome, I will thrive again. I have some big decisions to make regarding what I accept. And I am measuring that against the energy it is costing and negative supply by staying in the fight. At some point, I must let go, if I am going to get on with my own life. He has a 140 IQ and he must ‘win’. I ask for your positive thoughts toward completion of what has been my trip through hell. I am dedicating the day to doing NARP work, and meditation. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2017

      Hi Ruth,

      sending you love, strength and blessings.

      There is so much power in acceptance – the letting go and letting Life take over.

      That is great that you are doing the inner work, and I truly do know that no matter what happens you will gain your freedom and start generating Life as a Thriver.

      So many people on NARP in this Community have come back to build the most incredible TRUE lives at every age and stage, regardless of circumstances, statistics or supposed work credentials.

      You will be the same Ruth 🙂

      Please know you have the support and positive thoughts from myself and this entire Community.

      Mel xo

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      No Name
      September 12, 2017

      I had a situation similar to yours Ruth about 25 years ago. My N is a master manipulator too. Same deal – used “bi-polar” as a crutch whenever it suited him. The hell and the legal fees I would have gone through to get him to pay any kind of support for us would outweigh the money he would have given me. In the end I didn’t even request child support. I was afraid of what he would do to the child in retaliation.

  • 1bluegrassbass@gmail.com'
    John
    September 11, 2017

    Hi Melanie ,

    I was wondering as a member of NARP do members have access to contact you with questions regarding healing ?
    Is not a deal breaker for me but just curious.

    I took action and can’t stop thinking about getting revenge on my ex-Narc , nothing illegal, just bust her chops or say mean things , but it would be like putting a cup of water on a forest fire .
    I hope this time I have the strength to stay away . In a week or so I will become a member of Narc and I feel my life will come together.
    The more I think about the self healing process, I know this is not going to be easy , but worth it in the end .
    Thank you, I’m so glad I found you !
    Great thinks are coming !!!

    John

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2017

      Hi JOhn,

      I am from time to time in the NARP Forum and do answer personal questions there. There are also incredible Thriver Moderators to help you.

      Please know that once you start working with NARP you will be able to detox strong and painful emotions.

      You are so right, turning inwards John is the scariest thing we will ever do, but once we do it we wonder how on earth we were doing life not being self-partnered.

      Bless you and look forward to seeing you in our NARP Community.

      You’ve got this!

      Mel xo

    • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
      Valerie
      September 14, 2017

      Hi John,

      what a great metaphor, (cup of water on forest fire). Wow do i get that!

      After a while of doing NARP I discovered I had forgiven the ex. This will probably sound cheesy, but that forgiveness set me free. And I discovered how incredibly much of my soul vitality had been tied up in reactivity to the ex… NARP gets easier (less frightening) as you go. And freedom and joy are just so much nicer 🙂

  • Lara.esq@gmail.com'
    L
    September 12, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I am getting better with time away, and am much stronger than I was a few months ago. But my work brings me into contact with the N every so often. I believe he infiltrates projects I work on so that he can have contact with me as I’m sure I was an incredible source of supply for him. If being mean doesn’t work (which it doesn’t!), then he tries being flattering. I usually can successfully limit my contact or even cut it off (hang up the phone if he’s gotten me on a call), but seeing him in person triggers my trauma significantly. And this inappropriate relationship lasted 4 months, and it’s been 6 months since I cut him off. It’s as if I can’t energetically ignore his presence in a room. It’s so powerful and I always feel empty again after seeing him even if I’ve successfully avoided contact or limited it to purely professional quick conversation. Does this ever get easier? Why do I feel depleted again after seeing him? My career is really taking off, my marriage is good. There’s no reason I should feel empty but when I see him all the trauma wounds me again, kicks me back down the hill, and I find myself climbing again. Do you have any advice for me under these circumstances where I can’t seem to extricate him completely from my life. He’s friends with my friends and colleagues and always seems to find a way to stay in contact…

    Thank you for this episode. I have always been a codependent so this hits home for me. But I want to be better, so I can do God’s work and fulfill my purpose.

    L

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2017

      Hu L,

      please know when we resolve and heal inside us what was the “gap” that they got through – then N’s feel totally benign to us.

      I promise you there are people who have had to co-parent, work with and even continue businesses with N’s who, as a result of working with the NARP Porgam, have got to this level.

      I truly believe that when we have something still unresolved in our life it s exactly that – the call to go inwards to deeply heal something that is going to set us free to the next highest version of ourselves.

      The outer shifts when our inner does L, that is the simple answer. I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and experience how to shift that which is still “connecting” you.

      Mel xo

  • warrior950b@gmail.com'
    Jae
    September 12, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I believe I am co-dependent. I am embarrassed to admit this but I stayed in a relationship with a married but separated women for over 3 years. I did break it off multiple times but I kept going back. Perhaps from the guilt and shame of what I was doing I ended up falling back into addictive self-medicating behaviors. This weekend was my first weekend without the woman I was seeing. I ended up isolating & self-soothing. I’m actually scared of myself… of what I can do when I am alone. I don’t like being alone but I have insecurity & anxiety in large social gatherings. Actually I think I’m afraid of not being accepted for who I am. I guess I feel like I’m a mess and no one would want me. I’m having such a hard time making any decisions. Feel like I’m stuck in a rut of self-pity, self-defeating behaviors and fear. Been divorced just over 3 years to a verbally abusive spouse. Anyway… just feel like I’m a mess and don’t know what to do to get out of this rut. 12 step recovery group?
    Thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 12, 2017

      Hi Jae,

      please know that co-dependency, which we have all suffered from in this Community – to varying degrees (mine please know was extreme!) is due to unresolved wounds within us that are not allowing us to be whole.

      NARP – my program that I created that saved my life and has healed so many people from the codependency that has caused us to be susceptible to anxiety, depression and painful relationships with ourselves, life and others is a complete solution to finding, releasing and replacing those traumas with our Higher Self and healing in record time what cognitive therapy can take decades to do with much more limited results.

      Fundmtenatlly my resources are all about healing co-dependency.

      Maybe check them out – starting with my free starter pack – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpakage

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    Ocean Breeze
    September 13, 2017

    Since joining the Thriver community, my life has turned around…in fact I am still doing the basic healings …….Co Dependency I always thought had similar traits to Narcissism. Thank your for making this latest video. Co Dependency seemed very dark before the video. It was a way for people to control others through helping and doing things for them. You shone a light on what they are. They are not that bad and seem to have a head start on healing.
    Thank you for giving me back my life Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2017

      Hi Ocean Breeze,

      You are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased it has granted you this insight!

      Mel xo

  • Rhiannon15@hotmail.ca'
    Rhiannon
    September 13, 2017

    Hi. Thank you for your video. I have been in an on and off again for 2 years, He would dissapear every few months for no reason at all then come back calling me all kinds of names and blaming me for everything. He would say things like, your a stalker and a psycho and he would make me call myself stupid and say I never show him I care for him. He would ask me if I been good and who I been talking to. I wasnt even allowed to talk to male coworkers. He said I never wanna spend time with him and I never put him first but Id ask to see him everyday and most times he would ignore my questions to see him. Once he just stopped talking to me for no reason, hours before that things were fine. Calling me baby and his beautiful girl then just nothing, not a word for 3 months so I went on a date thinking guess we are over. I didnt like the guy much, he kissed me good night and I didnt feel any spark so I didnt see him again. 2 Weeks later my ex came back and asked me to be honest with him so I told him about the date and he called me all kinds of names and said I cheated on him. Not cheating if I was single for 3 months. He told me what to wear and what not to wear. He would make me feel like I was dirty and didnt shower by telling me to make sure I smell nice and clean for him. I shower twice a day so I know I dont smell. He would leave hickys on my neck so people knew I was taken. Im almost 37 Im not 15 anymore. I had to have the ringer on my phone turned up because if I didnt he would think I was hidding something. I finally just 2 weeks ago had enough and left him. He sent me a text msg saying that he doesnt like me much anymore but I could come see him for sex if I wanted. To be honest I was pretty rude to him this last break up but he deserved ever word I sent him. I am pleased to say that normally I would have jumped at the chance to see him but I told him I had my period so I didnt go. That was 2 days ago and no word since then again!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2017

      Hi Rhiannon,

      it’s my pleasure.

      Please know Dear Lady, that in the face of total insanity, confusion and pain … when we start to deeply turn inwards and ask “What parts of me are there that are allowing me to stay attached to this?”, then we are in a position to move towards our liberation from it.

      I would love you to come into my free webinar – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to start healing and releasing from that part of you in order to get free from this.

      Sending you blessings and relief.

      Mel xo

  • anujagarwal@feedspot.com'
    Anuj Agarwal
    September 13, 2017

    Hi Knowing the Narcissist Team,

    My name is Anuj Agarwal. I’m Founder of Feedspot.

    I would like to personally congratulate you as your blog Knowing the Narcissist has been selected by our panelist as one of the Top 50 Narcissist Blogs on the web.

    http://blog.feedspot.com/narcissist_blogs/

    I personally give you a high-five and want to thank you for your contribution to this world. This is the most comprehensive list of Top 50 Narcissist Blogs on the internet and I’m honored to have you as part of this!

    Also, you have the honor of displaying the badge on your blog.

    Best,
    Anuj

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2017

      Hi Anuj,

      thank you so much for your lovely award! Here at MTE we are honoured to receive it.

      Many blessings to you and thank you for helping to spread much needed awareness and healing!

      Mel xo

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    September 14, 2017

    WOW! I always love watching the current vids and save them for quiet moments. So this one is amazing. Thanks, Mel!

    Ooooo Happy to be an angel-work-in-progress 🙂

    SOOOO happy to the me I am today instead of back in 2014!

    Thanks always for all you do –

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2017

      Hi Valerie,

      so pleased you enjoyed this one!!

      Bless you angel – your wings are shining!

      Mel xo

  • madreid@gmail.com'
    Maddie
    September 17, 2017

    Wow!!!!!! Thank you so much for this video and the work you do! My sister and I are recovering co-dependents and this video just blew me away. It’s like you distilled the essence of the dance into one hugely impactful talk (I feel like that is an understatement….)… I saw you said in an above comment that source flows through you and this is what I was thinking as I watched….

    I know you know this, but what you are doing is soooo important… It took me many years to work this stuff out and I remember when I started wondering why there wasn’t more education about narcissism and all that goes along with this…. I hope that your videos reach young people so they can heal and then get on with life!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 18, 2017

      Hi Maddie,

      you are very welcome.

      Awww thank you for your lovely comment and so much love to you and your sister.

      Wishing you many blessings and incredible healing.

      Mel xo

  • Emmasanmakeup@gmail.com'
    Emma
    September 20, 2017

    Hi Mel!
    I have a question… do you think its possible to be a fully healed co-dependent? Or do you think a co-dependent will always be co-dependent, just can find ways of handeling it throughout life with tools like QFH and going inward and using boundary stratagies? For example, an alcaholic can be sober for the rest of their lives, but they may always be an alcoholic. Is it the same with a co-dependent?

    I ask because I feel I am severly co dependent and while I have been using NARP and LOTS has improved….. I still feel I have so long to go to be fully healed. do you think i will ever get there? is it a lifelong journey?

    Emma 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 20, 2017

      Hi Emma,

      if any of us were fully healed, the game would be up – what would we do with the rest of our lives?

      There wouldn’t be any growth left for us to do!

      When we use QFH one by one Emma we release the trauma that has caused the codependent action – so, therefore, the ones we focus on can be eliminated for good – totally.

      For example, I used to never speak up – I was terrified. Now I easily and organically do. It wasn’t a skill I “learned” it was who I became without my traumas.

      There are countless other codependent skirmishes I could talk about regarding codependency that melt away in this community when we heal the traumas causing them.

      The alcoholic is a dry alcoholic because their inner traumas still exist. If they weren’t there they would be “well-being” instead.

      Yes, it is a lifetime journey – and it becomes so much easier and effective when we love ourselves RIGHT now – not as some condition when we become “more” healed – and just nestle in and start loving the growth and the miracles we get to witness, discover and become.

      That level of perception changes everything.

      I would do the shifts on the beliefs “Am I ever going to get it” and “Am I ever going to be healed” … these are the real traumas preventing your ease with this.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Emmasanmakeup@gmail.com'
        Emma
        September 20, 2017

        gosh thank you so much Mel!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 that really helps and I will try that!

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