Melanie Tonia Evans

The 5 Ways A Narcissist Gets Under Your Skin

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 4
55
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Narcissists get under our skin – absolutely. They infiltrate your psyche, your emotions and your soul.

Last week I talked about “Wetiko” the human psychic virus, and this week I want to take this a step further and talk with you about what happens when a narcissist (a horrible manifestation of the Wetiko virus) has infiltrated us.

It is a phenomenon, because how does one one human being affect another human being so profoundly to the point where you can barely operate?

In this Thriver TV episode I am going to explain to you the exact five ways that narcissists get into our Inner Being.

This starts with how they cloak themselves to merge with you … then how they mesmerize, charm and fascinate in order to bond emotionally with you … followed by how they make sure they secure you as their chosen “prey” … leading on to how when the cracks appear in their persona they can continue to hook you and keep you enmeshed whilst hurting you …and lastly how they can do the deadliest thing of all – let off emotionally annihilating bombs inside you because they have infiltrated your Being to the level where that is possible.

I will also share with you, in this episode, how to shore up all our unconscious gaps that had let them in, so that we can evict them out and never have them taking up residence in our inner and outer lives again.

It is my greatest wish that if you are suffering or suspecting any of these stages with a narcissist, that you now know what you need to do to protect yourself, break away and start generating your true and amazing life.

Many of you know my story, and you know that I went all the way with narcissistic abuse to infiltration level number 5. He was so under my skin that I felt like I didn’t even know to breathe on my own – such was the all consuming feeling like he was crawling inside me always.

To me it felt like a total soul takeover and breakdown, that initially I thought I could never break free from.

I promise you I know how bad it can get and how powerless we can feel. And I also know that when you heal the Thriver Way, you will overcome and live again, better and more authentically than you ever have in your entire life.

Please don’t give up!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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55 Thoughts on The 5 Ways A Narcissist Gets Under Your Skin
  • Sweetestbluebird@gmail.com'
    Karyn
    September 4, 2017

    Another great analogy Mel, the Trojan Horse. This is a very accurate play by play description of how we become trapped literally by our own fears. Once we level up and face our fears those traumas no longer reside within us. Thank you for your tireless work and for being the voice of reason in this maddening experience, and most of all for teaching us all to learn HOW to heal! XOXO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 4, 2017

      Hi Karyn,

      you are so welcome and I am so pleased that this all resonates with you.

      Bless you!

      Mel xo

  • Kpmov@aol.com'
    Susan
    September 4, 2017

    Thanks for this, Melanie. I think what I’ve wanted to ask you is this: what if it’s a lot of narcissists you’ve dealt with including you’re parents and other people who were supposed to be trusted like doctors and religious people and you can’t get your needs met anywhere, and you are so damaged with trauma that you have chemical sensitivities and allergies that are so bad you can’t even live indoors, because you react to any home you find?
    And you have no money and are dependent on narcissists parents who regularly slam you with abuse to have a roof over your head, so you can’t heal, and you’re only getting sicker and more angry and using food and coffee and cigarettes to stuff all your rage?
    Would a person need to speak up and confront some of those people just to get a chance to get away from the N parents?
    That is where I am, stuck. I can’t even sleep.
    I healed once almost fully, but the person guiding me was not safe. I couldn’t see that. And that’s when everyone came in and did this cuz they saw me getting well.
    I try to believe I just ignore and not confront any if these people, but I don’t know…I think it’s too much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 4, 2017

      Hi Susan,

      please know Dear Lady my belief is always, start releasing the toxic trauma from inside to start bringing in power and well-being. It is very, very hard to create any change before we do this.

      And I believe this is really important before we start getting in the ring with people – if we are feeling totally abused and stuck.

      If we leave we leave. Truly, confronting N’s doesn’t create any positive outcome, and it really is about being well enough to detach, break away and start healing and generating our life.

      I’d love you to join me in my free webinar to see how we release trauma with Quanta Freedom Healing to start healing what we may not have been able to heal – even when it seems that there is no solution possible.

      Here is how you join http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and please know we have sponsorship programs for people with financial hardship to be able to access the NARP Program.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Kpmov@aol.com'
        Susan
        September 10, 2017

        Thanks, Mel.
        I’ve already done my work. So I know who I am and what Truth is, and what is acceptable and what is not.
        There are some people I have to get away from and others I need to speak up about. Not to; about.
        In a few weeks I will be out from under the parents. I went through a lot to be free. I will not take them with me and I will determine at that time if I need to say something or not. Just leaving may be mostly consequence enough, as they will have to face each other. Finally.
        I’ll have no contact with anyone in my family and I’m sure people will be looking for me. As long as I put myself in the center of my fellowship and give everything I can I will be protected.
        My fellowship is a place I have a purpose and that dissolves a lot of resentment. It is also a place I can get heard about some things that have gone on, and I take responsibility for my own fears that drove my part, which was not confronting some other people in all that happened.
        I went back to my town and tried this a few weeks ago and I got heard, and said it in the right way. It was good.
        I am also using back channels to say some other things about other people and situations I’ve dealt with. That is dissolving my resentment there as well.
        At the same time I am keeping peaceful by doing some other work where I can create my life in a way that honors who I’ve always been. It makes me sane and helps me detach from judging.

  • Sita_260@yahoo.com'
    Sandra
    September 4, 2017

    That’s my situation right now, he’s under my skin!! I’m in emotional pain can’t forget about him, keep crying over that deadshell!

    I’m doing the NARP when will i start getting relief? I keep repeating M1 everytime there’s so much childhood pain keeps coming up,i cry endlessly every time! The only problem is the M is long hrs don’t have that much time everyday. Do i have to dropped everything while doing the Module? Also when can i move on to another module?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 4, 2017

      Hi Sandra,

      Ik there is more than likely beliefs underpinning the experience of shifting, where you are mired in the grief (the tears) instead of shifting stiff up and out. It really is about going into “That” – what are the tears? What is the grief that is coming up so strongly for you? Sandra when you target and shift that then you can go to the next level of freedom.

      Are you in the NARP Forum getting coaching and support with your NARP work?

      That is an invaluable resource if you are stuck.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

      • Sita_260@yahoo.com'
        Sandra
        September 4, 2017

        The pain and tears is about feeling and seeing my inner child in distress. I have sign up for the NARP support still waiting for a confirmation from the team . Has being over a week .

      • Sita_260@yahoo.com'
        Sandra
        September 5, 2017

        I’m a silver member,can’t access the forum for help. How do i start shifting? The more i do module 1 the less the pain and tears is. Should i continue until that phase is over? Melanie Please advise .
        Thank you.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 6, 2017

          Hi Sandra,

          please check your spam and junk folders, because the support team truly are incredibly diligent in their replies.

          Also please know that ongoing coaching with NARP – apart from the modules themselves does include being a Gold Member. You can apply for Gold Membership through support@melanietoniaevans.com and be updated immedaitely.

          The forum is set up to accommodate all your questions and working closely with you there.

          Mel xo

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea Hobkirk
    September 4, 2017

    My question is. We are separated and have filed for divorce. He is still in the house but moving out soon. He is trying to turn my boys against me by pushing my buttons and saying I cause fights. He knows what fuels me. I did your program and I believe in it. I’m doing ok but I fall sometimes but I just don’t trust me through this divorce. Also, we are very enmeshed by our friends. People love him and cannot believe I want a divorce. What do I do? I feel like everyone in my town thinks I’m nuts for leaving him. I want the truth to come out of how bad he can be but how? My own brother doesn’t believe me…

    • maguirejanice@gmail.com'
      Janice
      September 4, 2017

      Andrea, I was in a similar situation but I actually went to the police the night before I asked my soon to be ex husband to leave and played them a tape recording of his treatment of me. He refused to leave as I expected and I called 911 and they came right away and told him it was best if he left. It helped me to start my healing by getting him out of the house. I’m sure it will help you too. Right after I discovered that he was lying and cheating, I decided to wear a runner’s belt that fit my cell phone which I put an app on called “Easy Record”. I would wear it under my clothes and tape record him at key moments. Also, when he moves out, I recommend blocking his text messages and not answering a single phone call. I forced him to communicate with me by email only and I have a full year’s written record of his craziness, threats, and financial abuse etc. Because we have four children, I would have to answer some questions regarding the kids but I would not react to anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary. This helped my case tremendously because I was able to talk directly to his woman attorney during negotiations and I showed her what he sent me on email. Narcs are loose cannons and they can’t help mouthing off when stressed.
      Make sure to copy all your financial documents and important papers. Make a binder and keep it out of his reach with a friend you can trust. I had the same situation with friends…most believed me but there are several who I know cannot be trusted and are still playing both sides. Be careful who you confide in…Work hard at the modules and also Melanie’s videos/podcasts, most especially on self love, self partnering and also her advice on how to handle smear campaigns and what to do if co parenting. I know it is hard, but don’t worry about what others think…it only matters what you think. Focus on healing, it will be the best thing for you, your legal case and your children. My greatest challenge was my boys, I have 3 boys and 1 girls. My daughter instinctively knew something was wrong with her father even before I did. My best advice as far as the children, do not get pushed into reacting in any way to him regarding the children, no matter how hard this may be. He will use it against you in court. One of my boys wanted to help us mediate to move along the divorce (he has always been an old soul) but I told him that it was not his place to do this and that the most important thing was for him to go on with his life. I told him that it was impossible for him to be between two parents he loves. It was hard to be so firm with him but it was truly the best thing I could have done. We have a great relationship. I also stood firm in my choice to ask his father to leave…I haven’t talked to them at all about NPD, I have been told by professionals they need to learn on their own. Melanie’s advice about not being a toxic parent is so so important. The children already have a narcissist father, the last thing they need is a toxic mother. Believe me, it’s not easy but it is the best thing that you can do for your children. As far as legal issues, the book Splitting helped me a lot, it was recommended to me by a therapist. Find a good attorney, make sure they understand your situation and narcissism. It took me a full year, but I stood firm in my truth (as Melanie’s says) and I managed the best settlement I could get considering he had spent so much of our resources. I wish you the best. You can do this and you will heal and go on with a much better life!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 4, 2017

      Hi Andrea,

      Truly, my advice is always going to be to you “shift that”. Go inwards with NARP Modules and shift out the trauma of wanting accountability, everything thinking you are nuts etc.

      The outer matches the inner, and when you get the shift inside all of “that” which you are struggling with will dissolve.

      NARP is not something to “do and then put aside, it is something to be doing each and every time you are triggered. because then you will just keep moving through the traumas and up levelling each and every one of them.

      Mel xo

  • B3hnaz@gmail.com'
    Bee
    September 4, 2017

    What a great post Melanie. I love this week’s episode.
    Oh they are so sneaky! I have an recent experience to share. Ever since I have been doing NARP, I have noticed a girlfriend of mine showing big signs of insecurity and narcissistic tendencies. She is a friend that I was not very close with when I was with my ex-narc, but since breaking up, something in me woke up that basically allowed me to see her red flags. Yesterday, on a hike, as I was sharing my struggles with c-PTSD, she not only didn’t show support but said: “how long are you going to be grieving for? grief has to end and I really want the friends in my life to be positive and happy so I can do things with them and step out of my comfort zone..” it was such a sneaky comment. I have noticed how envious she is, how negative, judgmental and shaming she is. All these are AIDS for me, life reflecting back to me what I need to work on, but nevertheless painful. what she said was basically that she would rather have me happy so she can go out (get supply and resources from me) and not see me heal and be happy so I can be pain-free. I did speak up with her and said I don’t like you commenting on my life and my journey is mine and I expect respect. When I returned home, I noticed over a few hours of body pain in various spots until I took the pain to the modules. Today, the pain is less, but I see how clearly we are no longer an energetic match and instead of confronting and talking about this, I would just turn inward and say no to her, firmly and assertively turn her down. Only in the presence of other friends would I be there with her and I would show up and speak up, but this is the end of the old paradigm for me.
    Thank you for helping us raise our awareness and heal xo
    Love,
    Bee

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 4, 2017

      Hi Bee,

      I am so pleased you loved it!

      SO, so true Bee they are aids, always providing another opportunity to up-level and show up truthful.

      I love that you were honest and spoke up.

      GREAT work!

      Mel xo

  • maguirejanice@gmail.com'
    Janice
    September 4, 2017

    Mel, thanks for this video, it is awesome!

  • casting@sasharobertson.com'
    Sash Robertson
    September 4, 2017

    Thanks Mel. This is an amazing video. And makes total sense to me. I feel I am getting there (albeit slowly). I find I go back to module 1 the most (the shortened version) as it’s hard to find the time to be on my own without being disturbed where I can really concentrate. I wondered if there is a particular module you can recommend when you feel you can’t get the N out of your head (even though I am being so diligent about no contact) and when you feel them inside of you. I find it so frustrating that I can’t quite shift him out. I can’t thank you enough. Sash xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 4, 2017

      Hi Sash,

      I am so pleased you enjoyed it!

      I love working with the Goal Setting Module – set up the Goal “The resolution of xxx” and then follow the instructions.

      It is a great way to work when you have limited time and want to knock something directly on the head!

      Please also know we can help you with extensive free coaching (with gold NARP) in the Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member That is an invaluable resource for your NARP work.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • lrowlands@activ8.net.au'
    Lynzz
    September 4, 2017

    I’m recovering from a relationship with a narc. I’ve come to realise that my codependent modality fitted perfectly with her NPD. I’ve done a lot of grieving and am doing Cayoun’s mindfulness course under the guidance of a specialist psychologist. Today’s flash of insight made it clear that I am pathologically lonely and that’s why I became entangled with the narc. It also explains why I miss the narc (while at the same time hating her completely). I need to heal my loneliness which resulted from having a narcissistic father. That’s my mission. I think it’s important to find the reason for your attraction to narcs, and not just because you are fated to repeat connecting with another one. Healing yourself is the most important quest in this life.

    There’s no doubt the recent narc encounter in my life did the most damage, but blaming them, viewing myself as a victim and just focussing on recovery from their abuse won’t fix the fundamental brokeness in me. I sure hope this journey gets easier.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      Hi Lynzz,

      that is wonderful that you are going deep inside to the truth of why you got ensnared and still feel the pain.

      That is exactly what true recovery is all about.

      Are you interested in experiencing what it is like to target the trauma directly and release it out of your body?

      Many people work NARP in conjunction with any chosen therapy.

      If you would like to, here is the link to join me: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar It speeds up the healing process immeasurably.

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  • Upsidedowndevi@gmail.com'
    Devon
    September 4, 2017

    Brilliant surmise! Deepest gratitude for your work Mel, from someone who was bought back from that brink, the outer edge of level 5 using QFH. I continue my inner work and my life today bares no resemblance to the living hell I was enmeshed in less than 2 years ago. Much love x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      HI Devon,

      am so glad you enjoyed this 🙂

      Thank you dear lady, it is an honour to walk this path with you!

      I am so happy for you!

      Mel xo

  • rosa@blissdesign.se'
    Romaxa
    September 4, 2017

    Hi Melanie!
    Thanks for a great video as always 🙂 I’m too very intrigued by the Wetiko global virus theory of narcs and codependants unconsciousness. Even though its not healing in itself, its great to have an understanding of whats going on and that you’re not crazy. I’ve been working with the NARP modules for about a month and do energy work myself, so I have had a good starting point where I now just need to go the extra mile to clear out the last stuff. I’ve had, like you, 2 really life changing narc relationships, where the former narc is the father of my 12 year old daughter. I found the strength to leave him very early when my daughter was new born. The classic story with raising the daughter by myself and the father acting out revenge in every way possible, including 7 years of court trials which ended 2013 where he sued me for custody. I had no chance to win so I let him have it, at least with no verdict against me. More traumatic years followed especially for the daughter with constant punishments and our relationship always conditioned in absurd ways. I went no contact and blocked him on my phone 2 years ago, maintaining contact only with my daughter. Eventually, a year and a half back he’s under her skin to the point that she no longer wants to have contact with me, not even texts. I’ve met her only a few times and for the most part she was as loving as when she was living with me. Which doesn’t relate at all to the accusations she have had relatives to believe about me, that I’m a scary and a mentally ill person that she needs to avoid at all costs. My family celebrated Christmas with her with me not being allowed to participate. But I’ve actually come to peace with the situation much thanks to you and the genuine belief that this is for a higher cause and my own evolution. I’m positive that we will be together later on as a mother and daughter. Meanwhile I do the inner shadow work. My question to you is, since this is a girl in a very sensitive age, being negatively programmed and alienated and no longer having the love and nurturing of a mother in her life, is there something else you think I should do to help us forward in the best possible way? What I do now, is sending her texts maybe once a week with my love and presence, sometimes with pictures or other memories to remind her of the life she once had. Sometimes I call, but she doesn’t answer and it sounds like I’m blocked on her phone (the line going busy directly). What would you recommend in my situation? Thanks in advance for any input!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      Hi Romaxa,

      you are very welcome.

      That is lovely that the Thriver Work resonates deeply with you.

      What you have been through is heartbreaking and you are truly inspirational with the work that you have done on yourself and the level of evolution you have reached.

      Have you watched the Shift Happen episodes I did with Devon?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FWHrox6a24

      Within them is the way to not only clear our own trauma regarding our children but also how to do work for them by proxy through our own body.

      It is the QFH work at that level (with NARP) that I would suggest in your situation, with especially the use of the Goal Setting Module.

      Are you in the Forum Romaza?

      That would be another great resource for you: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar – where you could get support and coaching with the proxy healing work.

      I hope this helps.

      Sending you and your daughter many blessings

      Mel xo

      • rosa@blissdesign.se'
        Romaxa
        September 8, 2017

        Hi again and thank you so much for the link with the shifts happening for Devon! I watched that episode some time ago and ended up meeting myself in different life times/time lines, “it wasn’t safe to be human…” I’m in the forum but haven’t been that active, I should browse there some more. Much love there indeed!
        Love and blessings to you, you’re work is such a gift to humanity <3

  • willhannon001@gmail.com'
    William Hannon
    September 4, 2017

    Hey Mel,

    I enjoy your work, I’m currently flating with a lady whom fits all the characteristics of your discussion’s, and others who post on YouTube. There were extenuating elements as to why I rented the bungalow in her garden, ie narsasistic oldest brother. ( having been living interstate, parents died & thought it would be a good idea to live more locally with family.)
    So yeh, I’ve found myself a studio apartment, for the end of the month and thought things were running smoothly, as I was house sitting else where for a month over the period I broke the news, but am back in the bungalow & starting to pick up on the criticism. (I want to say to her, “your not my mother, nor are you your mother, so start now and break the cycle.)
    Her son’s are very good kids, I see them struggling with her, but what can they say! (She’s not a bad provider of their physical needs)There might have been a window for a more intimate relationship between us, but she’s been a flipping monster since after moving in. In retrospect there were a few telltale signs prior to. I only stumbled on to narcissistic personality behaviour post co-habiting with this woman (1 year)& a mutual friend described her as such.( I had been googling covert bullies, but she is a covert narc) and you do feel a little naive realising you’re just found the concept.
    Anyway what’s your advice re the next couple of weeks, will it become worse?, just dodge, duc, avoid. I’ve been attempting successfully to not give her any supply, but am wondering wether you think she’ll get down right twitchy by the end of the month prior to me moving. Her cousin couldn’t even live with her, & moved on so I’m trying follow her lead as if every thing is hunky dory.
    So just add some cement, grin and bear it, it’s only a few more weeks, I don’t think she’ll prevent me from removing anything of mine, were not financially or in anyway entangled. So plan to go no contact but am trying to forge forward as thing are friendly( I’d love my,what was good friend back). Thoughts? Get a hotel, stay with a relatives!
    It helps just texting about it, I can’t bear the sound of her voice, and actually feel a little fake being nice to her.

    What do you think of Kevin “the Royal we” on YouTube? Particularly he spoke about marriage being for continuing a blood line not propping or completing a personality. He wasn’t so brief.

    Any how I don’t know how it works if you reply, and I’ll continue to enjoy you chats, & once things are a little more flush after winter, thinkin of gettin you narp program.

    All the best , thanks Will.

    • willhannon001@gmail.com'
      Will
      September 5, 2017

      I hope you can understand, on rereading there’s a few slight errors.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      Hi William,

      I always believe that honesty and showing up is the best way to be – N or no N.

      Saying something to her like, “While I am staying here I would love it if we could get on better. Is there something we need to clear the air over. Is there something you need to say to me, is there something you need from me? Because I would really like it if we could get along while I am here for the next few weeks.”

      Be the bigger person here by doing this .. Then wait and see what she comes back with. If she becomes ridiculous and not pleasant, then yes make arrangements to move out immediately. And have boundaries if needed. Stay calm and pleasant.

      Even disordered people can respect someone in their power – and being in our power means they will either step up to the best of their ability or unravel and show us our next move. And I can assure you that if you are clear and calm N’s would rather not mess with you – its only fragmented people or those that are disturbed by them and act “funky” around them that they enjoy mucking with.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • r.frangiosa@hotmail.com'
    Possum
    September 4, 2017

    Hi Mel
    It is like peeling back the layers of an onion each time you present your material. The ex-N had a beagle nose for honing in on my insecurities and weaknesses, and there were plenty. He ‘gifted’ me his family (parents) as substitutes for my non-existent parents of origin – which was the biggest lure of them all for my unhealed and tormented parts. I wanted a real family more than anything in the world. Then once he left, after carefully planning the discard for over 12 months, he also ripped away his entire family, all mutual friends, and tried to also alienate my girls against me. And the character assassination still continues over 2 years later. I realise my part to play, in unknowingly being the perfect target and source of fuel for him. He had it all on a platter. The worst pain I felt was when he hurt my girls and I felt I had no way out of the situation, and no ability to shield them – until I was gifted with NARP. Now he mostly leaves them alone, as they have uplevelled themselves at the tiny ages of 4 and 7. I am so incredibly proud of them both. They are my greatest blessing and, I now realise that through my healing and the complete transformation in my spirit and soul, that the cycle of violence has been broken for myself, them and for generations to come. In parallel, I am experiencing spiritual enlightenment which I have never experienced in my life. This has changed my world. I know you hear it all the time, but you really are the light at the end of the tunnel of so many of us – and I cannot thank you enough for your relentless and selfless pursuit to really make such positive and remarkable changes to people’s lives. You threw me a lifeline, and now I can feel I can make it through the fog and despair that N abuse inflicts. My journey is still one of discovery, however now my life is filled with wonder and hope, instead of misery. Thank you so much.
    xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      Hi Possum,

      your post brings tears of joy to my eyes.

      I am so happy for you and your darling girls, being the force of change for yourselves and future generations that we truly all can be.

      So many blessings to you Dear Woman.

      You are so welcome and thank YOU for being you.

      Mel xo

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    September 5, 2017

    Hi Melania!

    You and many people here have been married, with a n. I’m confused, what is the motivation for a n to get married? I mean, if it’s only to get “n supply”…why they wouldn’t be “content” with just living with someone/dating/being engaged? I mean, a marriage is a huge thing, not just for a n, but for all of us! Could it be, that they have at least some real feelings? Like for all the normal people, the motive to get married, is to love and be loved, sharing, caring, get support, start a family…with the “one and only”.

    When I started relationship with the n, he was about 10 years older than me and already divorced and had one child. I assumed (which was probably my “fatal misstake”) that if a person has been married…it means he is a normal, decent person. In my mind, marriage signalled maturity, capacity to commitment, adulthood, good values, being decent. Being divorced, it is actually very common, so it didn’t bothered me either. He felt “safe” for me.

    He started to show “weird” behaviour when I had know him about only 1,5-2 months. After that, it was 3 years pretty much rollercoaster ride.
    Sometimes I wonder, how this person has been able to be married, have a child, been pretty normal like during 10 years? Why he wasn’t able to be “normal” with me longer time? But the truth is, I know nothing about his marriage, neither what was the reason for the divorce. Was he “less n” in his twenties, than now in his fifties..?

    Well, things went like they do, with a n. It didn’t end well 🙁
    I think we humans, we grow very much in relationships. This is something I can be even genuinely grateful to him. I wouldn’t have become “conscious”, if I had just continued my single life, watching tv alone at home…He was like a mirror, which has now motivated me to do this deep inner healing.
    But I don’t understand…why the n’s, why they don’t grow at all, why they don’t seem to “learn” anything, learn from the misstakes etc.? It’s unbelievable, how a person who has been married and is a father…and had no emotional “stamina”, no ability to navigate a conflict etc. I would have expected that he would already had the famous “life experience”!

    It deeply hurt my feelings…when he was very supportive to her daughter with her studies…And to me, he said: you are no professional, you are just an amateur. And I have graduated from university and have been a decade a journalist! And I love my work, so he deeply hurt my feelings and made me doubt myself. I couldn’t resist the temptation to answer to him sarcastically that yeah, how nice to be a little “amateur”, earn well and be debt free, hah!

    Then he also regularly went to church (I liked that!), but to me he could say things like, “f**k you”. And did not apologize. So that was that, pretty much end of story for me. You all can relate to this…it is very painful, really love someone, think this is the one, trust him, show vulnerability and tell him all my secrets, think he is something very special and the best thing ever happened to me…and then be treated like this.

    But most of the time, he was really, very nice, gentle, polite, lovely, helpful. I have read with horror, how bad n’s can be. He was much more subtle…I think abuse can start gradually. It was always me, who was the “bad person” with “bad attitude”..and actually I started to believe it, even apologizing him. Uhh. But he never did anything concretely bad to me. It is extremly confusing, how he was very close to me, deeply understanding me, connected…and then some other day/week, suddenly totally “black out”, out of reach, did not understand normal language/logic, at all, you know, almost like the feeling of trying to use internet without internet connection…it just doesn’t work!

    But then one day, after a minor missunderstanding, that he took as a huge personal insult…he left me, completely. I think he used it as an “ultimate punishment”, to abandon me forever, he refuses to communicate anything ever since. If a man REALLY loves a woman, does he behave this way? No!!

    I don’t want to be with a n, nobody wants! It is good to get rid of them asap. But the sweet person he was most of the time…I miss THAT man. It is very hard to let go of that man. Soon it would have been our “anniversary” and I feel especially sad now. I think this is how n relationships look like, confusing, confusing, very confusing….I just wanted to share all this, to lighten the sadness of my little heart :.(

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      Hi Anna,

      it’s a great question and one I asked myself!

      Firstly so much of unconsciousness is not knowing you are unconscious. N’s don’t purposely start out with people “to get supply” consciously.

      It’s not like – “I’ll entangle, suck them dry and destroy them and then move on.”

      They don’t know what they are doing or why they are doing it. To all extent purposes, they believe they are living like “other people” and that can certainly include getting married.

      When in the throes of narcissistic supply with a new source – narcissistic magical thinking is “this is the love of my life!” “I want to marry this person!” not realising that the “high” is, in fact, the massive distraction from their inner wounds for a time – a feeling that is highly conditional on the False Self being fed the RIGHT way, and will never last in the light of day after the honeymoon period. In the honeymoon period, MANY MANY N’s are apt to marry!

      In fact so much more quickly and on a “whim” than much more mature, non-disordered people.

      However … as we know the wounds create and generate they way they behave – which is disastrously unconscious. It’s like a runaway bus with no-one driving.

      So, as always, there is only one way through for us .. heal our traumas including the very normal ones that you have named.

      Anna, I’d love you to join me in my free webinar – because I know how much relief there is there for you – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Anna
        September 7, 2017

        Dear Melanie, thanks for the reply!

        It’s just very confusing…I always thought (and I think we all agree!), that those people who are really bad, criminal, crazy, dangerous are the men who do insest, rape, torture animals etc., like being instantly dangerous. My ex n was nothing like that, he would never do such things! He is a good father, took good care of his dog and he never forced me to sex etc. In bed, now if I reveal something personal, he always asked what I want and when, paid attention to my feelings, and if I said no, it meant no, he respected my boundaries. What a sweetheart, who woman would not fall in love with a man like this! So all these articles how bad and harmful n’s are…confusing! I bet many of the people who “know” him (I believe including his daughter!), have never noticed anything “unusual” in him. It’s just very sweet, how he for example picked me and my dog in the middle of the night from the airport and made sure we got safely back home! He was seemingly well integrated to normal society, normal life. But…then he started to have these “off” periods…it hurts my heart, but it is just not possible to have a normal relationship with a person, who is not…normal.

        It relieved me what you say about being unconscious…maybe he did not intentionally hurt me. I mean…I used to think, that I am the victim of his craziness. Now I see it this way, that it is actually him…he is the victim of his own distorted inner world. I can heal and find peace within myself, something that he probably will never achieve. I feel actually sorry for him.

        By the way, I had a super-aha-moment! Everything went well, if nothing was “triggering” him. So I learned to little bit “walk on the eggshells”, be careful for example not to say anything that he could perceive as a critisism or judgement, he had zero tolerance to that. It made him very defensive. The result was usually “silent treatment”. When I was a child…now I feel pain to say this…I had to be a “good girl”. My father became easily angry, resulting in physical violence, hit or whip. Or at least threatening with violence. That felt humiliating and very unsafe. So this was my very painful awareness, my core wounding false belief: “It is my responsibility, how other people are behaving. I am responsible of their behaviour. Being authentically, freely, all of me, it is not safe for me. If I’m “bad” (meaning: perfectly human!), other people are “entitled” to treat me badly, as if I deserve to be treated badly.”
        This all was of course very “convenient” for the n’s “agenda”. They love to put the blame on others. Just how many times I heard how “bad” I am? Ufff…So this perfectly mirrored this false belief, “I am bad, therefore he treats me badly. I just should have been “better”, an obedient, good girl “.
        I am so grateful, that now I am aware and have the chance to do the inner healing. And damn it, I am not, not at all, never, responsible, for the behaviour of other people!! They themselves are fully responsible of themselves. I’m glad this has finally become clear to me! 🙂

        PS. Just when I wrote this last paragraph, my computer became very wonky, the screen was shaky…my laptop has never been like this!! It was difficult to type the words. It indeed is true…all the emotions, beliefs, wounds have a lot of ENERGY in them, and I believe it even affected my computer. Amazing!!

  • mkschreiner26@gmail.com'
    Matthew
    September 5, 2017

    Hi Melanie!

    Your videos have been amazingly helpful to me. I’ve recently become conscious to the fact that my mother exhibited many NPD traits as she raised me as a single parent. You’ve helped me understand how her narcissism got under my skin (as my god early in life) and has shed a huge light on my tendencies, insecurities and specifically my own perfectionism; I’m just recently starting to feel and the latter. And while I have an educated guess…

    I wonder if you have any specific thoughts on the relationship between perfectionism as the result of narcissistic abuse.

    I haven’t seen all of your videos yet (but I’m working on it! : ) ), so perhaps this is covered in another one I haven’t found yet. Truly, I can’t thank you enough. Your guidance has been incredibly helpful on my journey to wake up, understand the abuse I’ve attracted (from myself and others) and start take charge of my life and my relationships.

    Thank. You. Keep thriving!

    Cheers,

    Matthew

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      Hi Matthew,

      I am so pleased they have helped!

      Oh gosh yes perfectionism and abuse are deeply related. “I’m not good enough”, “I won’t earn love and approval unless I do it perfectly” and “If I don’t get it right I’ll be punished or will miss out on ….”

      All traumas from conditional love Matthew.

      All traumas we can heal (and so many of us have done) with NARP.

      Thrive on too Dear Brother!

      Mel xo

  • Melissa.pj.johnson@gmail.com'
    Melissa
    September 5, 2017

    Thank you Melanie and all the other responders. I understand and can relate to a lot of your comments. I was married to a very sneaky narcissistic abuser for 17 years. Very charming, intelligent man who was so ‘supportive’ of me when I was dealing with my childhood issues. Ironically, when I was turning inward (and not to him) and healing myself through meditation, yoga, and prayer- only when I was at peace with myself through healthy sources that is, that he went full throttle and began verbally abusing me like nobody’s business. Total Jekkyl/Hyde behaviour. It’s been 4 years since our divorce and I have to say any relationships that I have attempted since then have been with a narcissit! I soon realized that until I changed I would only be repeating the same relationships in different forms. What’s good is that I am learning to recognize the red flags much sooner and these relationships have lasted for shorter periods of time (not 17 years but one year and then the last one just two weeks…I am a slow learner- lol, but I am getting it.). Even so, like Mel said, these relationships show up to me like a mirror and I can see that I still have some healing to do on myself before I can attract a partner who is also whole and healthy. I need to be whole and healthy first and that is going to take work and time. And that is okay. I have noticed, however, that a lot of my friendships were with people who were totally self-interested and narcissistic. All the way back to high school if I look at my list of ‘best’ friends, they all shared the same traits. I am being more careful who I let into my life now, but I am very lonely at the moment. I know once I start healing myself, I will start attracting more real friends. Even in my family relationships I have noticed this pattern. Thank god for this program! I am on the road to recovery because there really is nowhere else to be. Now that I know that it all begins with me and that I can decide what kind of people and behaviour I will allow into my life, I feel some hope. Learning to set healthy boundaries, say ‘no, thanks’, and to not put myself down anymore are keys to this healing. I think also, not believing the love bombing aka ‘you are my destiny’ crap and really watching people’s behaviour with detatchment has helped me see things as they are, rather than how I would like them to be. The most recent narc told me one day he was falling in love with me, the next that he wasn’t even attracted to me, and the next that he thought he was making the biggest mistake of his life! Total 180s in the span of a few weeks, days, even hours! Fortunately, he hadn’t gotten under my skin yet and though I was hurt and confused by his behaviour, I stood my ground and told him ‘what’s done is done. I’m focusing on myself now.’ I was so proud of myself for standing up for me like that. He was a gift from the universe I believe- a little test to see if I could spot what was going on and make the right choice for me. And I did! Woo Hoo! But I also realize that I do need to work on myself and make that my priority right now. Thank you to all who responded and to Mel for this amazing program. :).

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      Hi Melissa,

      you should be so proud of yourself. You are making incredible ground-making progress now – the last only being 2 weeks is wonderful.

      Your graduation Day is so close – keep going! Keeps showing up and being real and true to you! It is EVERYTHING!

      Sending you many blessings.

      Mel xo

      • djazz16@hotmail.com'
        Marie
        September 15, 2017

        Hi Melanie,

        My ex-husband was a narc. We were together 14 years (married for 6) and he left me when our son was 8 months old. It’s been 2 years since we divorced, and unfortunately still have contact due to our son (I have custody but he has visitation). I’m still having a lot of difficulty standing up to him / not reacting to him when he throws things at me about our son, our agreement, me, etc…. Family has been extremely supportive because they see right through him, but they are starting to get discouraged by my slow healing.

        In the meantime, I finally started dating again. Just the idea of it was scary, but I gathered enough self-confidence to put myself out there a year ago. Met someone in January (through eHarmony) and everything has just been so night and day in contrast with my past relationship. Everything just works nicely, easily, no drama…. He’s been cheated on himself and his second girlfriend was very self-involved, so he’s lived a bit of what I’ve been through and gets it. But the more I fall for him, the more paranoid I become that he’s just reading into my situation and my needs and knowing exactly what to give me (he’s aware of what I’ve been through with my ex) — I’m paranoid that I’m falling for another narc. How can I look at this objectively (and not just through my paranoia and my emotions) to be able to figure it out before I make another mistake?

        Any advice is appreciated! I just started watching your videos and will certainly continue. Thanks.

        • djazz16@hotmail.com'
          Marie
          September 15, 2017

          I want to add – looking back at my relationship, my ex got under my skin exactly as described in the video. No question. So while things are still new in my current relationship, how can I tell that he’s genuinely nice, and that I’m not being sucked in as described by way #1? And as the relationship progresses, how can I trust that the progression is “normal” and not a manipulation described by ways #2 & #3?

          Thanks!

  • hawk00073@hotmail.com'
    Pam
    September 5, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    Just want to say to others that are just starting this horrific journey, this lady knows what she is talking about. Listen to all of her videos, read all the blogs, you will see yourself in everyone. And she has the tools to help us heal, and it truly is possible to heal. It is worth every second of your time that you spend here, it might just save your life. I did seventeen years with a narc and he tossed me in the trash without another thought when I wasn’t useful to him anymore. It tears your heart into a million pieces and you think you are going to die, and you welcome it. And while you are lying on the ground completely and utterly destroyed, they will step over you, maybe even kick you once or twice and then they are gone. And all the pain you were dealt out during your time with them is nothing compared to what you are facing now. .But if you are here now, grab on and stay here. Listen to Melanie and to the people who are Thrivers now. This will literally save your life, and your life will never be the same. It does get better, and it’s better than you can even imagine after a while. You start to learn who you are and what you really need in order to survive and i promise you, after a while, you won’t even want to look back, because that part of your life is over and something so much better is replacing it. You will become the person you were suppose to be.
    And I am one whose life was saved. I feel it in every part of me, I may not have survived without this help. God Bless You Melanie, however you conceive your higher power to be.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      Hi Pam,

      thank you for your lovely post – and I am so happy for you that you are doing so well.

      Thank you for so beautifully inspiring others, who are where we have been.

      Bless you and much love.

      Mel xo

  • Nancydraughon@gmail.com'
    Nancy
    September 5, 2017

    I have come a very long way since I found MTE and NARP. I am not the shattered woman I was back then, and I am proud of the scars because of the lessons learned and the opportunities to heal. I am only now a low to be honest with others about my experiences in my marriage because I have not wanted my children to “know” how their father behaved and treated their mother. As time marches on I am able to disclose more (not in a dwelling on the past kind of way, but in an anecdotal experience-sharing way). Sadly my kids are having to learns some very adult lesssons about their father and his treatment of other people, including his own children.

    Melanie, you are right, the Trojan horse analogy is on point. I fought hard against the projected images, which clearly weren’t about me. But over time it became a decision to avoid arguments and keep peace vs being put down and demeaned (even called a loser). Those projections cast a very long shadow, and now about 2 years after I kicked him out of our home for good I still struggle. I realize now my father was also a N.

    I fight my own negative self talk and really like the woman I am. My relationship with myself has improved and continues to improve. To anyone questioning Melanie’s insight and methods for healing, I can assure you her NARP program will do more for you than any talk therapy or prescribed medications.

    Thank you, Melanie. I continue to learn from you and about myself. I wouldn’t be here today without your program and continued articles.

    Many, many thanks – Nancy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      HI Nancy,

      I am so pleased you have done so well 🙂

      Bless you Dear Lady and thank you for your inspiring comment!

      Mel xo

  • lottyboo4@hotmail.co.uk'
    Lotty
    September 5, 2017

    Hi Mel
    I am a single woman with grown up children who have left home, I live in England. I have been seeing my ‘partner’ for three years, I met him just as my children had left home, my relationship had ended and I had started a new job so I was suffering with empty nest syndrome, feeling very lonely and vulnerable, when ‘Mr Perfect’ came calling.
    I came across your articles some two years ago when I first started to think my ‘partner’ may be a narcissist (I had never heard of this term before until somebody at work accused someone else of being a narcissist so I looked up what exactly a narcissist is and when I got to the end of the article my mouth was agape as the article described all the traits of my ‘partner’). I use that term lightly as my ‘partner’ lives with another woman (17 years) and has two children with her. Of course he didn’t disclose this fact until we were about 4 months into the relationship when I was well and truly hooked and he had from the beginning declared I was the love of his life and he appeared to be mine. I have been on a very long and arduous journey since and have ended the relationship several times but of course the ‘love bombing’ commences and I end up giving in. Through those years this man has swung between being the most wonderful, funny, kind, supportive, loving and understanding person I have ever met to being the most cruel, hateful, rude and downright nasty specimen of humanity. In the beginning he encouraged me to share my deepest fears and now uses those as weapons against me. He has cheated on me several times I suspect as I found emails booking hotel rooms (he had already told me he used ‘extra marital affair dating sites’ in the past, which he claimed he cancelled, there are several other discoveries that don’t add up to his explanations) but has only admitted to one (And yes.. I forgave him!!). He has also told me he has cheated on his ‘wife’ since meeting her (Approx 30 times) but she is only aware of one of these ‘affairs’. He claims the relationship with his ‘wife’ only exists to protect the children.
    Why am I even giving this man the time of day? I ask myself this question hundreds of times a week.
    I have been curious to know how he has managed to manipulate me to the point where I question my sanity daily (even wondering if i’m a narcissist!) having just watched your video on 5 ways a narcissist gets under your skin I now know exactly how he did it, I can even pin point the points in our ‘ relationship’ each part occurred.
    I used to pride myself on my values which have become non existent with this man. Of course our ‘relationship’ is ‘secret’, he has come up with a million excuses as to why he can’t leave his ‘wife’ but manages to do it in a way that still leaves the ‘hope’ he will but there is a part of me lurking deep inside that screams ‘You don’t want him, he can and will ruin your life’. As we only see each other maybe once or twice a week this gives me some level of independence in that we are not tied by anything other than ‘love’ (On my part anyway, if he ‘loved’ me he wouldn’t hurt me like he does).
    I can’t speak to anyone about this and gain support as no one knows we are ‘seeing’ each other (We work together). This of course works in his favour as it isolates me.
    I know I need to end this.. I know I need to employ ‘no contact’.. I know ‘this will destroy me emotionally’ and affect my future (How will I ever believe what I’m being told again?).. I know I will need a level of strength that seems daunting to even think about never mind use. I need help!!!

    Lotty

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      Hi Lotty,

      it’s lovely to meet you here 🙂

      Oh gosh, my heart goes out to you because you are in a very painful relationship. The truth is Lotty we don’t get to the bottom of “why” until we take the dive into self-partnering, meeting our subconscious, accessing the traumas that are generating us being “less than” what we want to experience, and then healing those wounds.

      These are all the exact process that Quanta Freedom Healing facilitates, and in my free webinar I take people through the process to turn inwards and take their power back – by meeting and healing themselves.

      Lotty, we can spend years – literally – in our heads trying to do the work (most of us did that) or we can just get straight down to the truth and sort it out within.

      When we have had enough of the pain – what other option is there?

      Join me Lotty and I’ll show you how to get out of this trauma and situation and into healthy relationship possibility in the most powerful, painless way possible.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • helene.anderberg@gmail.com'
    M
    September 6, 2017

    Everything you say resonates with me as for anyone dealing with these challenges in life. Have been through it all, time after time, starting from childhood in a dysfunctional family. I have always looked for the answer working with myself rather than pointing outwards. Therapy, shamanistic ceremonies, self-help books and workshops, TM, different kinds of healing, the 12-step program, and latest 3 years of studies of Jung and and Debbie Fords concept of the shadow.
    Still I am now in the most challenging situation feeling more trapped than ever since my child is involved. Would appreciate any help since it is almost killing me and my son is in very bad shape, suffering from narcissistic abuse since over 3 years and he is only 22.
    Its like when i ALMOST get it, almost start feeling alive and start to appreciate who i am and include myself on the list, an even bigger wave than ever comes from behind and brings me down. I DO get what Melanie says and know that I, even though i worked so much with healing, have neglected my body and all the intelligence that is there that my brain cannot ’embody’. I DO believe this is the key. But being so badly traumatized since the last years of constant challenging that every time I manage to center and turn the ship something happens again that completely knock me down.
    HOW DO I HANDLE A NARCISSIST THREATENING MY CHILDS LIFE? She (I know – now i am ‘out there’) immediately acted out in our home when they met and was rude to not only me but my daughter, our dog and everything that was dear to him. My son was in last year of high school and because of their problems that started from day one, he missed out school so he didn’t get his grades although his teachers begged him to at least come in with something because he was one of the most talented in class. He had lots of nice friends since many years and he is known as ‘the most intelligent’, kind and empathic persons to so many. After 3,5 years he is beginning to lose contact with hus good friends. Instead she is bonding up with the ones using drugs etc. Last year they broke up and in 6 months he got his life back and started school again. He got highest grades in mathematic and life made sense again. She kept on calling him but mostly he didn’t answer. Then one day in a weak moment he did and ever since then we have lived in a hell. He is suicadal, she moved out to his school, she took her grades but he didn’t, he has isolated, he has been several times to the emergency, the list is long. And now he is more addicted to her than ever. Says she is better now, she got diagnosed borderline and medication (because he asked her to seek help if they were going to stay together), and that he feels like he has lost everything and she gained it all – and he just can’t let her go with all that. I totally understand the mechanisms and i do understand that i need to stay out of it and not react. But how can i when he overdose, sinks deeper and deeper into depression, loses his friends and although he still lives at home we cannot communicate since i closed the door to her over a year ago and everything is just drained by this. Because she started at his school (in our country young people can get the grades for free) he lost his income and i am financially broken because of all of this too. I KNOW that it is my responsibility to set boundaries. But i just haven’t been able to when he is in such bad shape. And today he doesn’t know if it is because of her or because of her and me not ‘liking’ each other. I have been patient and have tried to find a way to encourage him to do something that will help him find his way back, regardless what she does and now he is willing to start school again to get his graduation but on one condition – that i will accept their relationship and be ok that she comes to visit and to meet her. Am processing it and found this website to be outstanding and exactly fitting in to my beliefs. BUT i just don’t know how to handle this. Its like i am so traumatized by these events and with many many near-death experiences – its that serious – he admits that she has abused him severly, her father is a sociopathic doctor, her mother died under strange circumstances, the list is long. I am going to get a codependency treatment soon. But every day is filled with total fear and i almost feel my lifeforce is coming to an end. ANY support would be so valuable. This is actually the first time i ever write in a forum like this and i am not native english so i hope it makes sense. Thank you for all your sharing and Melanie for sharing your profound knowledge. Love, M

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2017

      Hi M,

      I am so pleased my work resonates with you.

      Your writing and language are very clear and it is so good that you have come forward.

      I understand a ton of therapy – I was a personal development “nut” as well as having done decades and thousands of dollars worth of so many different therapies – trying to find the key to healing myself.

      I get it – SO much! We are NOT lazy people, we have put a TON of effort into healing ourselves.

      I also know what it was to have my son go through terrible destruction after N-abuse, and my heart goes out to you.

      Quanta Freedom Healing changed all of that for me – it was the ONLY thing that allowed me (and still does) to access any trigger/trauma in my body, load it up, release it and replace it, and watch my outer world (including the people I love) change beyond description.

      These are the healings in the NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp that so many people talk about in this Community.

      Have you watched the Shifts Happen episodes with Devon, M? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FWHrox6a24

      They show detailed work she did regarding her fear of what was happening with her son and then working on her son by proxy through her body.

      The results have been astounding – miraculous in fact.

      That is what I cannot recommend highly enough to anyone who is struggling with trauma regarding their children.

      I wish you and your child great blessings and healing, M.

      Mel xo

      • helene.anderberg@gmail.com'
        M
        September 6, 2017

        Thank you from my heart! I am overwhelmed by your answer and to hear experiences around this, have been looking for it without result. It is one thing to work with it within myself but so much harder with my child, I feel almost paralyzed by fear by now. THANK YOU! Will for sure look at this and would also love to take part of your community. With blessings from Sweden <3 Thank you for sharing your brilliance.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 9, 2017

          Hi M,

          it’s my pleasure.

          I’d love you to join us M in the deeper healing part of our Community.

          Sending blessings and healing.

          Mel xo

  • obeethegreat@gmail.com'
    WM
    September 7, 2017

    This is a great description of what happened to me. He found out my weakness was being ignored, so played that card. When I raised the issue he would lash out so violently (verbally), calling me names, telling me I’m pathetic, I have no life and I need to get a job (I have one, but he refuses to acknowledge it). So I’ll slink away after the tirade and a few weeks later it’s Hoover time, something flattering, or offering to help (which he never follows through with).

    He now stalks me when I’m exercising, just so he can ignore and trigger me, but I don’t respond. I’ve had to move further and further into the bush to hide from him. Just today I had a flying monkey asking me about my trails.

    Sometimes I feel the only way out is to move away.

  • AMYNM101010@GMAIL.COM'
    ANM
    September 8, 2017

    I thought I was doing very well with recovering from the abuse. I am legally bound to a narcissist. The other day, when I made a little mistake, and slept in through an appointment, the Narcissist decided to call the police, my attorney, everyone! I didn’t bother me one bit. I felt calm and was able to reason with e everyone, and everything seemed fine. That night, the Narcissist took it a step further and group text me and my family. He stated upfront that he was contacting them to let them know what “a horrible scumbag” of a person I am. I told him, “No one wants to hear you say this”. But my family actually did listen to him, and acknowledged his “pain”. They then said, that they wanted nothing to do with my “drama” and told me to leave them out of my situation. I was shocked they didn’t stick up for me, and told me they didn’t want to be here for ME! It then brought back all of the incidents where my family did this to me growing up. I thought we moved past that, and that they believed in me now, instead they were acknowledging the Narcissist claims of me being a horrible person. He then send me a text laughing about it afterwards.

  • 1bluegrassbass@gmail.com'
    John
    September 8, 2017

    Hello Melanie ,

    I am so lucky to have found you . I had a very good marriage for over 15 years , and I walked away from it ! The interesting thing is I could not figure out for the life of why ! Until I found you ! For the last 3 years , I have been in a relationship with a narcissist , most of what you have said about the narcissist , was 100% accurate !
    I found you about a month ago , and it took me a week to accept that what I was in love with, never existed ! It was very painful for me , a lot of crying , blaming myself and very real thoughts of suicide ! My ego and self confidence was destroyed , I believe, I started to grieve the loss of what I created ! That lasted for about a week and I stil feel loss for that ” person” from time to time , but its a healthy feeling , like the loss of a loved one, only this time, I put a different face and name to that person , not my narcissist’s name.
    After listening to your free workshop , I actually started to feel better ! Seriously , by the middle of the workshop , I was in more pain then I have ever thought possiable and then at the end , I felt as if a cloud had been lifted off of me ! , the thing is , you made me understand that , I was responsible for this hurt ,because I didnt have that self partnering taken care of !
    Interestingly enough , I now understand , not only how I allowed myself to get involved with a narcissist , but I also understand why I left such a happy marriage . I have to now inbrace this new life and not linger on past mistakes , I am now on my way to loving myself fully so I can give love fully , for that I am greatful !
    I finally became employed again and I started being a musican again ! My journey is not over , I feel that with the help of my therapist and becoming a NARP Member , I’ll will find happiness without regret !
    I have spefic questions that I want to address :

    I have began to pull away from my narcissist emotional and physicaly , but Iam not sure how to have the conversations to say , ” Im done ” , I wonder if this slowly backing up is the best I can do or maybe I am just not ready yet ?

    The second this is she ( my narc ) had a young child , and I can see the same abuse with this child going on , the child is being primed to be a narc, what responsibity to have to this child ?

    Thank You For All Your Help
    John

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 9, 2017

      Hi John,

      I am so pleased my material helps and that you came into the workshop. How wonderful that you have now turned inwards to self-partner!

      Ok regarding leaving – generally in a narcissistic relationship – we need to keep it s simple as possible – “I’m done” and then follow through with actions. Conversations are just another way we can get hooked back in, relinquish our position and hand over power.

      Please know, as hard as it is, to see what this child will live through – your greatest responsibility to all of the life is to put yourself first.

      This child will go through the evolutionary journey that he or she signed up for at soul level, which is not your responsibility.

      Your evolution journey is.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • fdsfd5pppppp84h@gmail.com'
    NotDestroyed (NotAChump)
    September 14, 2017

    It’s nearly a year since being dumped and considered no use to a female narcissist that I was seeing only for a few months – They can morph into anything to make you think they are the one. I still can’t believe I am a lucky one ( being dumped hurts anyway but at least I didn’t hitch up for 20 years so I am actually lucky) I can’t say I am even over it as I wouldn’t be on this blog, probably if I was but I am 90% over it which is enough so far. I see the ‘thing’ now and again as it lives near me and is all over facebook seeking attention for itself, and on one hand it doesn’t bother me but on the other I am here.

    I initially wanted to comment on the style of your blogs. Now, I hate blogs, and especially video blogs which I consider a form of ‘selfie’ , anyway I won’t write an essay on it but I felt the style is very sincere, which is one thing most of us appreciate after being duped – a sincere person. Sometimes you see these guides and the person is saying this is the solution this is what I did, and I don’t believe them. I actually don’t think they went through what they say they did. Anyway this is a long winded way of saying great video blogs I don’t use any of these methods although I spent 6 months reading nearly every article on the web on narcissism.

    My way out, and it wasn’t that I missed her, I actually didn’t like her in the sense that the lovebombing was so strange it made me suspicious (there were more red flags than at a matador convention), My low point came from the ‘ what might have been’ ; now I know it would never work, it was some sort of sham game only I hadn’t been told it was a game, but the damage to me was the worsening of anxiety depression. I did not think a human could function with esteem which was as low as mine was. I thought an organism would just wither away if it had reached such a low point. My way out was exercise , which I suppose is a way of looking inwards rather than outwards for validation. So whilst I can’t say I followed any mantra or anything, what I saw today makes absolute sense. I have noticed that some people dont get sucked in by narcissists and some do. That realisation helped me move on more than anything.

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