Melanie Tonia Evans

6 Sneaky Tactics Narcissists Use At Christmas

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 11
96
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

It’s so important to be prepared for the narcissist’s bag of tricks at Christmas time because traditionally this is a ‘hot-spot’ time when narcissists cause untold trauma to many.

If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship for some time you will probably have a great deal of trepidation, remembering just how horrible the narcissist made Christmas for you last year. Or maybe you haven’t experienced a painful narcissistic Christmas yet, and this may be one where you will need to be prepared.

It can be so awful to experience all the ways that narcissists act out when Christmas threatens to upstage them, and there are a few specific things which narcissists do which are Universal, to try to bring every else’s good Christmas cheer down.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I take you through the 6 sneaky tactics that narcissists can do to significantly hurt, ice out, desert, make the mood terribly uncomfortable or completely upend Christmas for their family and loved ones.

I also take you through how to navigate this potentially disastrous situation, so that no matter what the narcissist does or doesn’t do this Christmas, you can have the best most empowered festivities for you and those you care about.

I promise you I have heard it all in this Community, as well as experienced terrible Christmases myself. Because I have seen and helped people deal with these common nasty behaviours, I feel blessed to share with you how to arm yourself and not let the narcissist ruin Christmas for you and those you love.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions on the blog.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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96 Thoughts on 6 Sneaky Tactics Narcissists Use At Christmas
  • jlslv@hotmail.com'
    Jill
    December 18, 2017

    This is so true. I remember one year my ex husband’s daughter spent Christmas with us. She had not spent any time with us in the 5 years we had been married. My ex did not spend any time with her or us then turned it around and said we did not spend any time with her and basically what horrible people we were. It was pathetic on his part.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 18, 2017

      Hi Jill,

      that behaviour is so consistent!

      Wishing you and yours a happy and wonderful Christmas this year.

      Mel xo

      • pretelini@gmail.com'
        Edward P
        December 19, 2017

        Hi Melanie,
        I have the Feeling I had a narcissist as a partner.
        Is there a way to share my story to get your point of view?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 19, 2017

          Hi Edward,

          this may help: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/are-you-with-a-narcissist/

          And please know regardless of what “they” are, our journey is all about reclaiming and healing ourselves – other people are merely and magnificently showing us what we need to heal in order to be whole.

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

          • javaworld32@gmail.com'
            Edward
            December 20, 2017

            It does, thank you.
            I just keep thinking that it may be my fault, I could have done better, I should have been more understanding. I shouldn’t have walked away because now, I do not have her an i feel like I am dying.
            There is no day, moment or second I do not miss her, see her face in my brain. The pain an agony I feel with out her is debilitating. I can barely function. It is very difficult to go to work, to enjoy a sunny day, to smile to my children.
            It has been 6 months and It is just getting worse.
            Waking up at 3 am every night in cold sweats, shaking an feeling so alone that I just do not want to continue with this pain.
            I feel so lost and empty.

            Thank you for listening
            E..

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            December 21, 2017

            Hi E.,

            please know your trauma can be relieved, more quickly and powerfully than you presently know.

            Join me in my free workshop Edward and I will show you how http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

            Mel xo

          • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
            Valerie Wedel
            December 20, 2017

            Hi Edward,

            Feel ya… Been there! I have used Mel’s system (NARP Gold) and WOW is life wonderful – but it wasn’t at first. So you are not alone. There is a way through the suffering, to great joy, and freedom. And at least for me, feeling more alive and connected and joyful than ever before. I hope you win this joy for yourself. It will also be great for the kids.

            Merry Christmas –
            Valerie

          • yolandegunter@yahoo.co.za'
            Yolande
            December 28, 2017

            Hi😊. I wanted to share this with you. I met my narc when I was still in high school. He was extremely handsome and cool and I never thought he’d be interested in me. You can imagine my surprise when he started showing interest. Yet thinking back now 20 years later I realize I was so naive. There was always some drama. He wanted me by he side but I was a little dull and responsible. He liked the other girls who was more outgoing and perhaps had less morals. They wouldn’t have thought twice to get involved with him and nor would he. He loved the attention. I was 19🙂 I fell pregnant with his child and he wasn’t home when I felt the first movement of out babe. As many other times he went out with friends to drink without telling me. Over the years he did many many unspeakable things to me, he lied constantly, was unfaithful, abused alcohol, left good jobs without discussing it with me, I usually only found out when he couldn’t pay the bills he was responsible for. He made out as if I was mad or the one that was overreacting, he confused me and for years I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. All I want was a family and a good stable environment. After each “insident” he made promises time and time again but never kept them. It broke my heart each time. He became more violent as the years went by, never hitting me but pushing and shoving and calling me names. I became more resilient and started not to care and phone him like a mad person when he didn’t come home from work like I used to. I started focusing on my career. He then shifted he anger towards people I cared about, especially my father and brother who he thredend to assault and even shoot. When he was drunk and stayed away he would make up stories about how he had to help the police with a drug bust. Ps he was never even in law enforcement!?? Anyway I the last straw was one eve when he came home drunk again, he had since obtained a firearm. I heard him come in at about 4am and I kept dead quiet making as if I was asleep. But he simply switched on the lights and told me to get up, he was crying and I was numb with fear. He told me that he’s been “shot”. But there was 0 blood anywhere. He was looking for his firearm. I helped him get it, he got back into the car I bought for my son (as his was wrecked) and left. As soon ad he pulled out the driveway I woke my son, now 18 yrs old, told him to pack a bag and to get our teo little sausage dogs in my car. I phone my mom and we drove the hour’s drive to her home. He got home again and frantically started phoning me wanting to know where I am and why I had left the house, as I was just making matters worst. I never went back. A few months later he got a working contract in NZ, (we are from South Africa) he sold everything I left behind including his firearm. He wanted my son to go with him and my son agreed ( he always made me out to be the bad cop with our son). Because he was 18 I couldn’t keep him frim going. He knew he was breaking me by taking my son and I think he thought it will be away for him to get me back and to join them in that country. I didn’t, I kept contact with my son on social media and skyped once a week. After about 6 months away from him I met a man, and for the first time in my life I realized what a real relationship looks and feels like. After a while I cautiously told my son about my new friend and he was om with it. My son came to visit me after being away with his dad for a year. He met my friend about two weeks after he arrived. I kept his room and everything for him. To my surprise my son told me: mommy I am not going back can I stay? I was over the moon. Now I can really break all contact with his dad. And now I can show him was a real relationship and partnership looks like. I am free. However even till this day almost two years onwards just thinking about his dad makes me nervous, I am still a little afraid of him as I never know what goes on in his mind and what he is capable of. Oh he since block his own son on all social media platforms as he is now upset with him for enjoying a holiday with me and accepting my new friend. My son has started to see me in a different light without me speaking poorly of his dad! So greatful❤️

          • sarahcatsmith@gmail.com'
            Sarah Smith
            January 7, 2018

            Mel I have a feeling that I’m a narcissist, I feel terr8ble for the pain I’ve caused. Can your program help me heal?

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            January 7, 2018

            Hi Sarah,

            absolutely it can.

            Whether we act codependently or narcissistically (and they often overlap) is because of unhealed traumas that NARP heals. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

            Wishing you wonderful healing and relief.

            Mel xo

      • Carriehuebener@gmail.com'
        C
        December 24, 2017

        My mother is a narcissist and it’s so hard, not just because of the constant emotional manipulation, but because no one else can see it. I end up looking like the mean daughter for not spending Christmas with my mom, and last time I tried to explain it to my in-laws they didn’t really understand or think it could possibly be that bad. It doesn’t help that my mom calls them behind my back to (I’m sure) sweet-talk them so they think she’s the nice one.

        • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
          VAlerie Wedel
          December 24, 2017

          Dear C,
          I am sorry – it is just what narcs do… Wishing you joy and love this holiday season and always – Valerie

  • Jlmaples247@msn.com'
    Jess
    December 18, 2017

    Melanie, I need advice. My narcs mother who a month ago sent me an email blaming me for everything. Her son is the victim even tho I sent her picture proof of everything. She said horrible things to me said I was a bad mom and she would take my kids if I didn’t provide well for them, her son hasn’t given Amy money or seen them in a year!! NOW she sent an email for ones bday and days later xmas presents are on there way an email says! My question, do I return to sender anything that comes. Do I respond to her email. Or do I ignore her like she does me and the kids for months and one time a whole year! My youngest is 5 and she saw her at 6wks old and not again.

    • mariannethomas1304@gmail.com'
      Marianne
      December 18, 2017

      I would ignore her, as many narcissists want the reaction the best thing would to be show indifference

      your children are better off without them in their lives.

      • jlmaples247@msn.com'
        jessica
        December 18, 2017

        not my first inclination, as I want to tell her how dare you after what you said, and on and on… but thats my issue! do I keep the gifts or return them?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 18, 2017

          Hi Jessica,

          sending them back would constitute Contact – so no don’t.

          Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 18, 2017

      Hi Jess,

      narcisists can threaten all sorts of stuff, don’t give it energy.

      The best thing to do ALWAYS is ignore. Give it no energy literally or emotionally.

      Then it does all go away. N’s can only continue if they get a feed of energy of fear or trauma from you.

      Wishing you and your family a wonderful Christmas regardless of her antics!

      Mel xo

      • jlmaples247@msn.com'
        Jess
        December 18, 2017

        Thank you so much Melanie!! My first instinct was to respond and send back gifts, but because of all your guidance these last 6 months I waited and didnt respond right away and decided to think about it. Thank you for confirming that I should ignore all contact!! Have a beautiful joyous Christmas! You deserve it for all the positive help you give to so many!! I have referred so many people to your video’s because you literally saved my life!!! Hugs!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 19, 2017

          Hi Jess,

          you are so welcome and I am so pleased that made sense.

          Thank you for your beautiful words 🙂

          Big hugs to you and your family!

          Mel xo

    • cmcaul@yahoo.com'
      cec cline
      December 19, 2017

      Be rid of her. Not worth the exposure which will inevitably devolve into the usual nonsense…nothings changes, time just passes by. Don’t confuse the two. Best of luck sticking to your guns…

  • lkue09@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    December 18, 2017

    Yes this is not only true around Christmas but other holidays as well. I have a problem with the 4th of July. He starts an argument with me for no reason every time. Twists things around and if I react he is able to point the finger at me saying I am the crazy one.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 18, 2017

      Hi Lisa,

      it is a festivities thing for sure!

      Wishing you a much happier and healthier Christmas this year.

      Much Love xo <3

  • Aapryl900@aol.com'
    Penny
    December 18, 2017

    What should I do about my MIL telling my husband she will buy me a ticket also to come visit her. All she is doing is pretending to be the generous old lady and then when you go she turns into a insecure witch. I’ve already told my husband I’m never going back but part of me wants to call her and tell her don’t send messages to me through Tim or I’m going to get a restraining order. That’s how bad I dislike her but I know that will make things worse and I should ignore

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 18, 2017

      Hi Penny,

      yes, you do know the answer.

      Ignore. And if you’re not going, then that’s it – simple.

      Merry Christmas!

      Mel xo

      • Aapryl900@aol.com'
        Penny
        December 18, 2017

        Thank you so much for responding this helps a lot you have no idea how much I appreciate you. Should I also ignore if I have kids? Like if she try’s to get at me using the kids or do something to them?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 18, 2017

          It’s my pleasure Penny,

          yes ignore, unless she violates in a way that you need to create boundaries with that. And empower your children, that’s so important – because fundamentally in life (of course unless they are being harmed) they need to make their own choices.

          Mel xo

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    December 18, 2017

    These are all so true! I have been dealing with this for so long I just expect it and have plans to navigate around the Narcissist. My mother would always complain about any gift you gave her. So I stopped giving her gifts and just gave her cash or a gift card. She complained about that too. To this day I don’t buy people gifts. It still creates a lot of anxiety in me so I just gift card everyone. My Ex who is with family over the holidays always acts out and picks fights then calls the police and acts like the other person is at fault! When we were married he was famous for just disappearing around the holidays or showing up extremely late for family dinners and such.

    Any time the Narcissist is not the center of attention any and all of these things can occur.

    Once again – an excellent video!

    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 18, 2017

      Hi No Name,

      wow you sure have lived it all!!

      Wishing you a wonderful Thriver Christmas this year!

      Mel xo

  • janetstb@yahoo.com'
    Janet
    December 18, 2017

    My narc mother has forever ruined Christmas for me. She has a terrible time during the holidays and tends to over eat and over drink. A couple of years ago she came to spend Christmas with my fairly new partner and me, and she proceeded to cry hysterically over her perception of being slighted in the past (years and years ago). Of course, I had to comfort her all the while trying to stay composed in front of my partner. Then my mother drank herself into a stupor and fell asleep when we drove around later that night to see Christmas lights. Needless to say, I was slowly dying inside of fury and embarrassment. I’m an only child and so is my mother thus invariably we’re together at most Christmases. Last year my partner and I spent Christmas in a cabin in the woods and it was truly heaven. It saddens me that Christmas with my mother at some point always devolves into some dramatic meltdown. I am blessed to have a kind and patient partner. However, her mother exhibits many narcissistic traits and so there’s an understanding of my situation. This year we’re off to see the wizard…err…my mother for Christmas and I’m already a bit stressed about it. Will keep the narcissistic supply on zero as per Melanie’s suggestion and make it my intention to have a good Christmas.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 18, 2017

      Hi Janet,

      sending you much love, blessings and strength this Christmas.

      You’ve got this!

      Mel xo

      • janetstb@yahoo.com'
        Janet
        December 24, 2017

        Thank you Mel. Yes, I got this! I am very grateful for your kindness and true understanding of narcissistic trauma. I’ve had many a-ha moments watching your videos and reading your blogs. The NARP. has been very helpful in clearing up old pain. Your dedication to educate and heal those of us caught in narcissistic abuse (past and present) is truly your gift to the world. All the best on 2018; enjoy your time off.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 24, 2017

          Hi Janet,

          Thank you for your lovely words, and I hope you have a wonderful rejuvenating and beautiful time too.

          Mel xo

  • nbriggs062@gmail.com'
    Natalie
    December 18, 2017

    I have been with a narc for 13 years. It’s pure hell. He’s the type that doesn’t let me out of his sight, we even own a remodeling company and work together. If I go anywhere, even the grocery store, he will call or FaceTime me while I’m gone, then when I get home he asks if I saw anyone. I hate the holidays, he starts in November talking about how Christmas isn’t about presents and starts with the negativity talk and just spoils I‎t. the time with my kids who are adults now is short because he makes I‎t so uncomfortable. In fact after a while he closes himself in the bedroom and doesn’t even come out when his own kids are there. He controls everything. I can’t go anywhere with my friends and any plans I make to do anything fun, even if he’s involved are quickly squashed. I could go on and on. Why do I stay??? Good question. I avoid the drama that will come with leaving him.

    • jlslv@hotmail.com'
      Jill
      December 18, 2017

      Hi Natalie.

      My ex sounds similar to your narc. He would encourage me to spend time w my friends and then criticize me if I didn’t call him or he couldn’t get a hold of me. The holidays he would engage for a brief period and either sit in front of the TV or hide out in our room. I dreaded the holidays every year except the first year we were together but that was still the love bombing phase. He was an emotional vampire. I know where you are and how difficult your situation is. I will pray for you. Know that you deserve better than him.

      I’ve been separated from him for 8 months now and even though it has been difficult I have so much peace in my life. Our marriage was annulled this past week. He was still married at the time of our wedding ceremony which voided our marriage. Funny you would think that someone who had been married 5x before me would have known their divorce was not final. I didn’t know about all 5 of his marriages. Funny thing is I actually felt bad for him while we were in court.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 18, 2017

      Hi Nataie,

      you poor thing!

      I so relate, I used to be with an insanely jealous and possesive narcissist as well. It’s NO fun 🙁

      Have you accessed my free resources to start taking a deep dive into WHY you are in there (unconsciously) and what you can do to heal and take your power back and not be?

      I would love to have the opportunity to help you make your way Natalie, into your True Life without having to live like this.

      You can access my FREE recovery resources here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I know they will help you a lot Natalie.

      Mel xo

  • caroline@cllennox.com'
    Leslie Huron
    December 18, 2017

    What can someone expect at Christmas post-separation/during divorce? Modified contact (lawyers only) in place.
    A warning or notice via lawyers that a desired outcome from the divorce is going to go up in flames?
    How to ensure no nasty surprises?
    How to insulate/protect oneself without having to live in a state of ‘what if’ and clamshell mode?

  • indreb@hotmail.co.uk'
    Inore
    December 18, 2017

    Last year, on Christmas, my narcissistic ex used the opportunity, to keep my daughter for all the long weekend, from 23rd to 27th, refusing to return her back to me for the Christmas Day, as he should have done. I couldn’t do anything. I was devastated that someone can actually do something like that and get away with it! For this year, Christmas seems to me anxious time as if something bad will happen again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 19, 2017

      Hi Inore,

      that is so understandable that you are anxious.

      Wishing you a much better Christmas, for you and your daughter, this year.

      Mel xo

  • cryingmondays@gmail.com'
    Anonymously grateful
    December 18, 2017

    This is a helpful video, especially tip no 5, which allows one to realise that stark memories of christmas seasons as a child were not meant to be fearful experiences – due to a rageful narcissist father. Outside the house or when visitors came over, the raging was switched off and covered up with a fake voice and a fake smile.

    Christmas for many, of all denominations and for none, is still a non-materialistic spiritual festival that celebrates Light, Truth and Love symbolised in the birth of Christ. But even some religious narcissists seem to forget this and behave as if Christmas was ‘their’ birthday?

    It’s time to celebrate Christmas and all other special festivals and occasions – with love. understanding, equality and kindness and no more fear and control; and to give narcissists the best gift – of leaving them behind so as to stop feeding their pain and everyone’s pain.

    Thank you for this vlog.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 19, 2017

      Hi AG,

      thank you for your lovely post and I totally agree 🙂

      It’s my pleasure.

      Mel xo

  • Gudrun@shootoutcrew.co.za'
    Gudrun
    December 18, 2017

    Thank you, as always, Mel. I am so excited to be changing my Christmas Story this year, after nine years of ruined Christmases: the first three with my narcissistic now ex-mother in law, the last six with my narcissistic now ex, boyfriend.

    I hope you have a blessed Christmas!

  • ipassportalm@gmail.com'
    Kelly
    December 18, 2017

    I understand about not feeding the Narc, but I disagree with the concept that one should ignore bad behavior because it is ‘taking the high road,’ or ‘being the bigger man,’ or ‘lowering yourself to her level’. I will not accept being in the presence of unacceptable and inappropriate behavior without merely asserting that I observe it. As a result, I have chosen not to spend holidays with my husband because his family has the above beliefs which I don’t feel serve them well. They tolerate the selfish, rude, intrusive, inconsiderate behavior of the Narc in the vein of ‘keeping the peace.’ Of corse the bed behavior which people ignore escalates each year. As a result, I am divorcing my husband. He is not the Narc, my sister-in-law is. I refuse to spend the rest of my holidays either not being with my husband or being unable to assert that I observe inappropriate and unacceptable behavior because doing so would be not keeping the peace, or lowering myself to her level. Her level is to be mean, cruel, hateful, vindictive and vengeful. Merely asserting that I observe behavior she intends to be covertly aggressive is none of that. Refusing to be assertive and say that I will not accept inappropriate and unacceptable behavior in my presence is not taking the high road, it is allowing oneself to be victimized.
    The only proper way to ignore bad behavior is to simultaneously reward good behavior. But to punish a family member when she asserts that she observes the Narc’s inappropriate and unacceptable behavior is reprehensible. I will not spend all the rest of my holidays surrounded by people who are too entrenched in the fear of the Narc to set boundaries on appropriate and acceptable behavior. Ignoring what hurts is what makes us a victim. I am choosing to remove myself from the entire family because they are cow-towing to the Narc by ‘ignoring’ her.
    There is a huge difference between not feeding them narcisstic supply by taking the bait and allowing the Narc to run the entire show what food is served, who sits next to whom, who is allowed to speak and when, where my dog is in, not her house, but my husband’s Mother’s house. My mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s and lets this Narc run the show because she is AFRAID of her. So she thinks that ‘ignoring her’ bad behavior and let’s her ruin Christmas for everyone out of fear of her relations of vindictive vengeful mean cruel and hateful behavior is the right thing to do.
    I severely disagree with this form of ‘ignoring’ That is why I am divorcing my husband. I am afraid that all these people out there ignoring the Narc in this way-letting her take over the festivities will find themselves in a dangerous predicament in the future. The more you ignore the inappropriate and unacceptable behavior the more it will escalate.

    • ibadams@comcast.net'
      Erma
      December 19, 2017

      I agree. While I understand not giving a narc supply, at some point you have to set boundaries for his or her behavior. I have been married for 24 years and with him for 31 years. His behavior has escalated. He misbehaves, is ignored and accommodated then his behavior gets worse. He has ruined many Christmases, birthdays, graduations, vacations, etc. The cycle continues. As I have come to the realization that he is narcissistic and abusive and worked on strengthening and improving myself, I have stopped walking on eggshells. He does not “run the show” anymore. Can’t behave?? Then stay at home. He had a fit when we were leaving for church recently. You know the usual behavior – cursing and screaming in the driveway. I told him that he was in no shape to worship. I then LEFT him. I could sit in church in PEACE. What a wonderful feeling. I am so grateful for Mel and others here for my personal growth!

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      No Name
      December 19, 2017

      Kelly – I agree. My N is my ex-husband. His “reward” for bad behavior is to be excluded from similar future events. For example: He acts out during family vacations – so he no longer gets included. If he is a horses rear end during the holidays – drinking, obnoxious, argumentative and refuses to settle down – we call the police. Since he is a jerk when we go out to family dinners – he no longer gets included. Concerts with the family – not anymore.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 19, 2017

      Hi Kelly,

      I totally understand what you are saying – but please know my Thriver stance is not about ignoring people because we are afraid of them – thus handing them fuel with our fear. Mine is about detaching and empowering ourselves. That is EXACTLY what you are doing by saying “no more” and “not my reality”.

      People are here usually gaining the power to leave and set boundaries, or be their own power source regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing – which means the abuser, without any stage or feed needs to take the rubbish elsewhere.

      Wishing you and yours a wonderful Christmas.

      Mel xo

  • jamayer@cox.net'
    Jan M
    December 18, 2017

    This is so true– not only for Christmas, but birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. You absolutely explained everything beautifully well. I was married to the Narc who wouldn’t help me prepare holidays or gatherings, then try to say there was something wrong with me because we didn’t have people over all the time. He would go off an wash the car or start a repair project when I was running around trying to get a holiday dinner or family party together and complain when I asked for help because “he had things to do, too.” Of course, I was responsible for taking care of presents for everyone— including his family. Another trick was not getting a present at all for a birthday or Christmas— “because he got me a present for the last holiday or several holiday’s prior.” Sometimes when I did get a present, it was something he liked— not what I liked. For example– tickets to a sports event, and I am not a sports enthusiast at all. I would go to such events to spend time with him, but they were the last thing I wanted to do for my birthday. Or, he would do things like not do anything at all for Mother’s day, then give me some flowers at 11:30 pm that night— or even several weeks later. I know that presents aren’t everything, but you could see the intention to hurt by doing what he did. Other times, the evening would start out with a nice dinner or something like that, but midway, he would create a an argument about something totally ridiculous, and end up not speaking to me before the end of the night. I always said that he created arguments to avoid intimacy. It wasn’t until I decided to partake in your program, read all of your blogs and watch all of your videos that I began to understand what I was dealing with, and that I wasn’t crazy. I have said this a million times, but I can’t tell you how grateful I am for all that you do! You have helped me to heal from 30 plus years of narcissistic abuse. My ex is now in the love bombing stage with his girlfriend— doing all the things I wanted him to do and acting all the ways I wanted him to act with me. Your descriptions of narcissistic behavior have helped me to put my life into perspective. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 19, 2017

      Hi Jan,

      awww goodness you certainly did go through the horrible antics!

      That is so good that you are reclaiming your life and healing, and please know you are so welcome – I am pleased I could help.

      Many blessings to you this Christmas Jan.

      Mel xo

  • magsrace@gmail.com'
    Maggie
    December 18, 2017

    I am married to a narcissist who at present is working overseas, he will be home for Christmas. I am not looking forward to it for all the reasons you stated. It has taken me years to see and to understand how he operates, but with your wonderful work and lots of research, my eyes are finally wide open. I’m still in the early stages of dealing with the practicalities of my life with him, but I already feel more in control just by being aware of his deviousness. He comes across as the most attentive charming man in the world, but he is a wolf is sheeps clothing. I am going to endeavour to enjoy my time with my family, and I have taken your advice on board. MErry Xmas Melanie, and a huge thank you 🎅🥂 x

  • alinneh.nc@gmail.com'
    Aline
    December 18, 2017

    Melanie,

    I am stunned, so many times I was left hanging on events like these, few examples: the day of New Year’s Eve, he picked up a plane to New York to “earn” miles to keep certain level of status on the card, while we were supposed to have dinner with the family and go out, he was back 11:00 pm. Or was unhelpful when I was to organize the Christma’s dinner, working late hours, or at our daughter’s birthday, when the first person came in he would be sitting in the bedroom and not come out to talk to her while I had to give attention to the preparation. Or at a family trip where he got extremely mad at everybody because the flight was canceled, it was not anyone’s fault, so many other weird situations, at my daughter’s baptism he left us right after the lunch celebration and said his mom was mad at home that he was there. I can’t believe how blind I was, he seemed to care. I wish I could translate all your stuff to Portuguese so people in my home country could learn. The whole court thing that never ends, he keeps going back after 2 years, he is married to another woman and still fighting over unnecessary things. I want to break free once and for all, I am emotionally done with this person but feel like can’t move on because the ghost keeps coming back for more.

  • Hawesha715@gmail.com'
    May
    December 18, 2017

    Hi Mel, thankyou so much sharing & helping me so very much. My husband of 50 years just drove off early one morning, no arguments or anything!!! & didn’t say where he was going, he didn’t leave a note or text & he hasn’t come back after 4 months! BUT is talking about coming back, right on Christmas, which is usually a bad time for him, so I’ve told him he’s not welcome here – I don’t respond to his texts but I felt I should respond to the text saying he was coming back – because he said he left the house not me!!!!!!

  • Karen_lyons@rok.catholic.edu.au'
    Kally
    December 19, 2017

    Hi Melanie, after years of reading and listening to your work, I always take something insightful away from your blogs that keep me growing and thriving. I have a quick question about one of the sneaky things a narc may do around Christmas because I think I’m feeling a bit narcy and hope to clear it up. The example you gave of the woman who felt she didn’t know how she felt about the relationship she was in and left only to return a month later acting as though nothing had happened. I have not done this or intend to but I am feeling unsure about my current relationship. There are no red flags and he is a very nice person but as I am not sure, I can tend to withdraw and become quiet. I am at the point where I need to make a decision to stay in the relationship or to lovingly leave which scares me too. I’m just confused because I think I need to know that it is ok not to want to be with someone if they don’t feel like they are the one for you. It doesn’t make you a narc if you are the one who decides to leave a relationship. This is my first relationship after narc abuse and he has no narc tendencies so wonder why I feel unsure and indecisive about this.
    Thank you 😊

  • sandyewilliams@yahoo.com'
    Sandy
    December 19, 2017

    I cannot tell you how many Christmas’s were spoiled by my husband. It always ended up that something would spark him and off he would go, screaming, throwing the gifts around, slamming doors. There the children and I would sit once again trying to scarf up our emotions and enjoy what was left of a spoiled Christmas. Once he had us all begging him to join us again, confirming how much we loved him and needed him to participate with the festivities he would finally return. We would tip toe around and make him the center of the day which, having listened to this broadcast, played right into his goal.
    Now the children have grown and have made it clear they will never come home again if he attempts to destroy the day- so he has attempts to control himself. Sad how many years this pattern occurred. Sad how consistent these people are. Sad what memories they create for others.

  • mpkrabbe@yahoo.com'
    Marie K.
    December 19, 2017

    Four years ago this Christmas my mother sent me a devastating letter stating that she didn’t want anything from me anymore, didn’t want to talk to me on the phone because she could not think of one thing to talk to me about. I was 47 at the time and she was in her early 80’s. Leading up to this letter had been a terrible year where I finally stood up to her and set boundaries for her awful behavior. She didn’t take that too well.

    When I read that letter something inside me snapped – like an elastic band that’s been pulled too far too often. And I decided to let her have it her way. For that reason I have not spoken to her since. I have only written to her once when my brother died last year. I do not wish to talk to her again. I don’t want to see her ever again. She overplayed her hand, simple as that. She has written a letter or a card 5 – 6 times but I don’t answer them. There are nothing but complaints and “I don’t understand why my daughter doesn’t want to talk to me” (which only started after my brother died – she has never written that she misses me or anything like that. I genuinely believe that she doesn’t understand. But I have given up trying to explain it to her. Nothing sinks in for more than a few moments. And the next time we talk, it all starts over again.

    When I went to empty my mailbox the other day there was a letter from her. I haven’t opened it and don’t know if I should.
    Most of all I just wish I could leave everything to do with her behind me. But when I finally manage to find me peace of mind – there she is again.

    What should I do?

  • sm.rutter@sympatico.ca'
    Susan R
    December 19, 2017

    I loved your video and your definitions about Narcissists at Christmas Time. You have given me so much insights about my Sister that I now understand her fully. My Christmas’ were never bright due to an abusive Father and Alcoholic. With 2 years of intense visits with Psychologists I have surpassed her in so many ways. She still lives in the pass. Your video mentioning couples I believe can be applied to siblings also. They can play with your mind, thoughtlessness towards others, wishing no sibling contact;

    Now I understand when she always and still today hates Christmas. She used to jerk me around like her little puppet; belittle me; take control of my life as she hated her own; Christmas day she is quiet because now she cannot “Ice Anyone Out”.

    At this present time she lives beside me because I had an accident last year and I needed assistance. When you mentioned they are selfless this I truly understand. She spent 3 months taking care of me which was the worst thing ever. She became a full-fledged Narcissist. I had no choice but to listen to her and night time was my solitude. Christmas came around and my home was bare like Mother Hubbard. Christmas is my favorite time of the year – turkey – sing alongs – games – ticket pulling for Xmas Gift games I called it – needed to play a game and win. BOY! I can’t wait!

    My sister still lives beside me, but I must say my life is not a happy one due to the fact I am always on guard. She will talk me down until I agree. She really believes she right! Now I agree! But why should I! I am writing a little more than usual so I can help other people who are in the same situation as I. Not enough to move away; no rest for the weary; my house is hers; my cats are hers (they don’t talk back.

    I am getting stronger every day. I still prepare Christmas even with my illness and live with chronic pain. As you have stated come to terms that i need to prepare Christmas myself then my Christmas will be merrier and it has been; but this Christmas I will be merrier from all that I am learning from you. I believe that people enter your life for a reason.

    My road is beginning to be well traveled . . . . .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 19, 2017

      Hi Susan,

      thank you for your share and I am so pleased this episode helped.

      Wishing you wonderful peace, healing and joy this Christmas.

      Mel xo

  • ewatson2001@yahoo.com'
    E. Watson
    December 19, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    you are always such an inspiration of survival for all of us who are victims of a narcissist in our lives. A partner, you can discard, divorce and so on. But when this narcissist is your own daughter, who you have supported from day one and you continue to support, a narcissist daughter who has your grandchildren and plays them against you for all that she wants from you, then things are tougher. My 37 year old daughter, who is a single mother with 4 children, whom we support in every way we can, thrives on ruining everyone’s Christmas and not only. She continually poisons my grandchildren who I absolutely adore, since I was there with them from the labor room when she delivered them (her partner simply abandoned her), they always contact me and tell me everything she tells them and everything she does, but I can never and will never tell her that they confide in me, because it would be devastating for them! I want them to feel safe and secure with me, knowing they have an outlet to talk to. So, last night, I don’t even know how or what triggered that, she sent me the most hateful messages, a book worth and then copied them all and pasted them to the messenger to make sure I see them! I haven’t opened them yet, I am dreading that, because in the past, this behavior has caused me nothing but grief and tears. How could I have given birth to such a hateful human being and how can I save and protect all these little children’s souls and help them understand the abuse their mom is giving me and them has nothing to do with something they or I do wrong, but it’s just her and she needs help? Can she get help? Thru a psychologist, or psychiatrist? As much as I love her, I think I would never want to see her again if it wasn’t for the grandchildren who I adore! And she knows that and she plays with my feelings and emotions and I always, always give her provide for her when she comes to me, sweetly and asks for things. One or two times that I simply could not help her, she started threatening me, that I would never see the kids again, and if you could see the horrific messages she sent me, your skin would rise! But for those who don’t know her, she is the poor little girl that raises four kids all alone with no help from her family and her mother is a horrible human being who never brought her any joy in her life.

    I’m so blessed to have come across your page when I was desperately looking for a cure for my daughter not knowing what was happening in her mind! You gave me so many answers to all the questions that were driving me crazy, and your articles and videos have helped me understand so much more, that I at least now, can stop and think before I respond to her. Because now , I understand her as much as someone can say that for a narcissist . I am still struggling though with how you can detach your child from your life, when your grandchildren are with her and you want to continue to be with them. I am exhausted spending more than money on her, I have spent my time, my personal life, my soul and mind and it is so draining, never a thank you, never an acknowledgment and the worst part is she has a habit of reflecting what she is, on me, making me feel as if I am the one who does all these things. It’s like she mirrors herself!. All the things I want to tell her that she does, she is always a step ahead and she says those things for me! I don’t know how she does that! And I don’t know if anyone else has ever experienced that before. There was a time, that I really thought she may have been possessed by an evil spirit that makes say all these hurtful things! My little proud and joy when she was little, I don’t know, may be we all in our family, spoiled her way too much. But other kids are spoiled and they are not like that. Why mine?

    I know this is long, but I guess I’m venting. I still haven’t read the messages she sent, debating. Christmas is around the corner, I don’t want her drama, and I feel so much for the kids. Her twin boys are 12 and her twin girls are 3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 19, 2017

      Hi E. Watson,

      my heart goes out to you – I can’t even imagine what that would be like to go through – a child who is a narcissist – especially when there are grandchidren who can be used against you.

      In regard to her getting better – this is what would be necessary: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-would-it-take-for-a-narcissist-to-heal/

      I really want to say to you – have you thought about working with NARP? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      Because it takes out the sting, the trauma, the pulls, the angst and the ways we hand N’s power – even the ones we will stay in contact with.

      And, by empowering you it can only help to be a positive source for your grandchildren.

      So many parents in this Community have worked with NARP, and quite a few grandparents as well, including people in your situation, for wonderful results.

      If you want to try NARP, I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar .Even here you will experience relief, comfort and greater power in your situation.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • jwarilay@gmail.com'
    youngw
    December 19, 2017

    I was floundering this week. Once again your insights have aligned and saved me. thank you!

  • angelikmaispastrop@gmail.com'
    Angélique
    December 19, 2017

    Great one Mel! So many of us can relate. This year I am spending Christmas on my own and I am delighted. He has turned the kids against me but even that is not bothering me thanks to NARP. I will do the things I enjoy for me, not trying singlehandedly to infuse christmas spirit into a bunch of sour faced and ungrateful gits (what a relief!). I will do as much or little of it as I like, no downer on the horizon. I look forward to my christmas spirit not being drained, dampened and trampled and to reconnect freely to the wonder of it I felt as a child. Bliss! Merry Christmas everybody and much love and wonder.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 19, 2017

      Hi Angelique,

      I am so happy for you that you reached such a higher, peaceful state by working with NARP.

      Power to you and wishing you so many blessings this Christmas!

      Mel xo

      • angelikmaispastrop@gmail.com'
        Angélique
        December 20, 2017

        Melanie, all your stuff has been the most amazing soul food for the last 10 months and has changed my life in ways so far reaching it’s hard to describe. It has brought me answers I have been looking for all my life and opened unlimited spiritual horizons for me. It has helped other people close to me as well. I cannot thank you enough. Bless you.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 21, 2017

          Hi Angelique,

          I am so happy I could help Dear Lady.

          So many blessings to you and your loved ones.

          Mel xo

  • ericalynngarcia11@gmail.com'
    Erica Garcia
    December 19, 2017

    My favorite xmas narc move was to start hitting on other xmas party guests…unbelievable and it was so lame. They not only did the people he was hitting on look uncomfortable but his very own mother noticed.

  • Cateshinekinch@gmail.com'
    Cate
    December 19, 2017

    Hi Mel, I would love it if you did some more on altruistic narcissism. I’m so confused sometimes because I didn’t have any of the bad Christmas stuff that you talk about. What I did have was infidelities from year 2 which was the abuse. Then the Love bombing to make it all better, looking after me, taking over a lot of stuff financially so that I started to feel incapable. He discarded and replaced me completely out of the blue last August after 12 years of marriage (no kids). No hoovering just happy with his new supply. I’m a narper and doing the healings regularly. The confusion can be so crazy though. 90% he was a dream to be married to. The other 10% tore me asunder. Im working on not wanting him to Hoover me up. Trying to surrender. Succeeding at most things. My God though the confusion is horrendous. Especially since he liked to be thought of as an amazing husband but now it’s out there he left his wife (who he praised to everyone that would listen) for a woman he works with. Even some of his colleagues have contacted me to say they can’t believe it. His mask has fallen. Just crazy confusing. Crazy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 21, 2017

      Hi Cate,

      please know ABSOLUTELY altruitic narcissists can do it differently. N number 2 was the same in my life. Are you in the Forum Cate getting support? That is so important if you feel that you are struggling http://www.melanietoniaevans/member . Also are you working with “what’ this deeper healing lesson was for you. Is it to not be dependent and solidly become your own Source?

      Cate, whenever we make the healing journey about “them” it equals how to lose. This has to be exclusively about you for you to get your emancipation.

      Sending love and strength to you.

      Mel xo

      • Cateshinekinch@gmail.com'
        Cate
        December 21, 2017

        Thanks for responding Mel. Yes I’m in the forum. Sometimes I don’t know what to ask because I get so confused. Everyone I know thought I had the perfect marriage!! The funny thing is I just text a friend about what my plans are for over the Christmas holidays and to be honest it sounds like a dream – read, write, practice yoga, spend time with friends, run, walk on the beach, have lots of baths with scented oils and candles (what I didn’t mention was that I’ll be doing a ton of healings and that’s because of you so ‘Thank You!!). Roll on the dream. If I cry they’ll be healing tears so they can come if they want. Merry Christmas xx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 22, 2017

          Hi Cate,

          you are most welcome, its ok to ask sweetheart in any way you can. And if you use the 1,2,3 method in the Code of Conduct that will help you a lot too.

          Keep releasing ‘what hurts’ Cate and I promise you that you will get there.

          Mel xo

  • ayameyana@gmail.com'
    Esther
    December 20, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    I recently started the NARP program and found out that I have a narcissistic father. Now I finally understand his detachment during festivities..even on his own birthday! I am still thinking if I will go celebrate Christmas with my family. I have been reading your e-book about forgiveness, and know it’s a major thing I’m going to have to shift several times. But something has started shifting already inside me ever since I started the NARP program and reading your e-books.

    Somehow I believe that my tie with my family is important and I suspect that I will go spending Christmas with them. I think that I need to verify my recent discoveries and want to know to what extent the trauma still resonates within me while facing them. I won’t lie about that I actually detest Christmas and feel a big void inside me every year around this time. Also when it’s my birthday. It’s like I am confronted with my existence, something I felt was never validated by my parents.

    It’s been over a month since I left my N-ex and I find myself smiling and enjoying my life again. You have no idea how thankful I am for you being here Melanie and the things you do.

    I wish you and everyone here a heartwarming Christmas <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 21, 2017

      Hi Esther,

      I am so pleased you are shifting Dear Lady. Keep shifting out what hurts and you will just shine brighter and brighter.

      You are so welcome Esther and many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    December 20, 2017

    Merry Christmas, Melanie-

    Great video! I have a crazy story with happy ending. An old school chum called out of the blue (three days ago), after having not seen her in many years. She was driving through Colorado on her way cross country. We decided to visit and i invited her to stay until the next storm passed – about three days. Within a brief time of meeting she began a pity play. Her life as SOOOO hard. Etc. It was just this last Friday that she called, so all this happened this weekend.

    At first I thought the suffering was real, but within a day it became apparent that she lives in a one-up-manship game with the world. And she was trying to drag me down by saying the things I love made her already great suffering more intense, etc. And little boxes in my mind started to check themselves off… my gut said RedFladWarning, and I listened to my gut. My inner child got scared and I protected her myself. I defended my space, and said goodbye to the erstwhile friend. She left today.

    Blessings on her journey. I wasn’t completely graceful about it, I kicked her out (at high volume). I do regret losing my cool and yelling. However, I did not fall for all the guilt tripping nor all the manipulation. I have the sense she provoked me on purpose so she could then guilt trip me with herself as a “victim,” and manipulate an outcome where I pay her room and board.

    My inner child is jumping for joy. At the same time, I grieve for what I thought was a friendship. And I do wish her well, just far, far, far from here. Would be nice if I could have handled the eviction more gracefully – I really screamed the night before she left, and it was not graceful. I am not proud of that part. I actually uapologized to her for yelling wildly. However, it is excellent she moved on down the road. I am not completely sure she would have heard me at all without the yelling either. My gut insists she wanted to settle in for weeks or even months, with have me taking care of her.

    Any thoughts on keeping one’s cool? Or the wonderfully important line between helping others and not getting taken advantage of?

    Blessed be,
    Valerie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 21, 2017

      Hi Valerie,

      Merry Christmas to you too!

      please be kind to yourself. I relate, I can still at times lose my cool. What I so know is that when we are triggered into angry outbursts, it is because there is a wounded part inside that requires our healing and love.

      All you need to do to find it, heal it and integrate it within you is to take ‘losing it’ to a NARP Module. It really is that simple. Then, once this part is healed, you will still be able to honour you, but in a more solid, less triggered fashion.

      I hope this helps beautiful lady.

      Mel xo

      • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
        Valerie Wedel
        December 22, 2017

        Thank you Mel!
        What module might you suggest? I would love to do a healing around this. I love #11, but can’t quite think of how to set this one up. Or would one of the basic 10 be better??

        Thank you so much – yet again I try to express in words how grateful I am for your healing system and guidance 🙂

        Happy Solstice!

        Valerie

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 22, 2017

          Hi Valerie,

          you are so welcome.

          I always love the Goal Setting Module for the resolution of any ‘skirmish’. If you set the goal “The Source Healing and Reolution of (me losing it)” thats all you need to do and bring in at each shift. See it as light and affirm it is so, and it will work it’s magic.

          Mel xo

          • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
            Valerie Wedel
            December 24, 2017

            Thank you so much! On it…

  • gisellala@yahoo.com'
    Gisella
    December 20, 2017

    Thank you Mel, I needed the confirmation(s)! It has really helped me shrug off the nasty mail from my ex I’ve got yesterday . Now I can see he sent it trying to ruin my holidays. Not a chance!
    The universe has sent me so much warmth and love ever since I started to let go of him. It still hurts sometimes, but that has to do with me, and not him!
    Wishing you all much much love during those hard times! It will get better!
    Happy holidays xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 21, 2017

      Hi Gisella,

      it’s my pleasure!

      So glad you are on the right track sweetheart.

      Thank you for you love to all, and so much love to you 🙂

      Merry Christmas Gisella.

      Mel xo

  • lyndathornhill@hotmail.co.uk'
    PioneerSing
    December 21, 2017

    I was verbally attacked by my narc brother – he said things that are unthinkable cast aspersions on my character – I mean the vilest things imaginable. Such were the things said – I mean things you would NEVER SAY unless – things once said cannot be unsaid when you have gone way past the lowest line. Such things were said – all from his vile imaginations and grandiose ‘fake self’ that always must be ‘ the winner / on top/ in control’ – these things needed to be retracted because they were very serious. He was told to apologise by my father. He refused. Weeks went by. Christmas approaching. Normally we all get together for Christmas . I was in the kitchen at my dad’s and he paid a visit with his child and girlfriend. I didn’t want to see him but I thought I would finish making the soup I had started and give a chance for him to apologise. I was doing this for drill, because I knew , from old , he would never humble himself ever to admit his wrongs. He didn’t come out. So I went upstairs – to keep no contact. I did feel that he was spitting in my face. Being ‘normal ‘ with everyone else – and allowing his vile abuse -which was so serious – to stand.
    To make matters worse, when I contacted my mother, altruistic narcissist who zero’s all my feelings, needs and rights if they get in her way/ control – from young. I had been doing no contact with her since she has these highly abusive outbursts – they happen every once in a while – but I see it on her when it happens and she will not listen to any boundary you try to place – she get very mean and determind – it leads to cruel provoking – I lose it because she wont leave – then the story she tells starts at me screaming at her – not at her crazy control and rage outbursts and non hearing of my boundaries – bullying. I had maintained and told her why . she had accepted this. Now the thing had happened with my brother – and so I text to say I would like to see her over the holiday – perhaps we could go to a nice restaurant and I could give her her gifts then – since I would not be eating with my brother – he had created a situation – I needed no contact. She did not answer. She then came to my dad’s house and began to defend my brother – and his vile words that – seriously were the worst things you could say to a person. I could see that she wanted to ‘smooth things over’ because she wanted everyone together – but her way of doing this was to say ‘ your brother is insecure and he feels treated differently to you a girl by your father’ . He accused me of not being safe around his child because I am being treated for PTSD following medical negligence. It was the most brutal and callous thing to suggest at a time when my heart is healing from trauma. To say something like that – is not simply having a bad mood – it is very pointed and serious to suggest such a thing. But here was my mother – making light of it – and saying its basically my fault he is like this because I have a father daughter relationship – which is different in nature to a father son relationship. I refused to budge on the boundary I had set with my brother – despite her many attempts to reduce me to zero with her mouth – she did not get to manipulate me out of my boundary. She should not have got involved. If the family had been united in telling him to apologise – he would have had to miss out on Christmas together and then suffer and then maybe learn to watch it. But instead my mother totally enabled and championed him – and I had done nothing at all – except cook for him and his family . But because I have a history of emotional abuse with my mother and I was never allowed to tell her business as a child but was never allowed to feel my feelings when she was feeling – I learned to be codependent – to appease her, comfort her, help her , calm her down – but I was not heard or known as a child – her dramas were always front and centre and it was a constant – til I left home and started to figure it all out. It has taken me years. That night I watched her tell blatant lies , start stories from the end and not the beginnings of her abusive behaviour. I watched her do all she could to manipulate me out of my set boundary with my brother – of no contact – just so she could have what she wanted – everyone together. She lives in avoidance and denial – and has no problem covering dung with pretty rugs. So….Christmas now …is me and my father for Christmas day and she is having everyone else at her house . It can be so hard navigating all things – especially Christmas – it is all about hearts and family. But you know what ? I am so happy to spend it with my dad. He feels the same as me – she should not have got involved and my brother most definitely has to apologise. I toyed with only putting a few words here – but I find other peoples stories so affirming – so – this was my two penneth. Merry Christmas and thank you for your support Mel in your emails. I feel such gratitude.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 22, 2017

      Hi PioneerSing,

      Merry Christmas to you too, and how wonderful you have detached and said “not acceptable” and made your own choices for a beautiful, peaceful Christmas – huge kudos to you 🙂

      Mel xo

    • Stephensgardens@ymail.com'
      L
      January 2, 2018

      Pioneer Sing
      I love this story of self affirmation and protection. Thank you for sharing it.

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Elina
    December 21, 2017

    Hi Melanie!

    The last thing I want to focus on during christmas are n´s. They have already got enough of my time, attention and energy!!

    Instead I want to say something beautiful: This year Melanie you really saved my life and my sanity. Sincerely, thank you!! <3

    The ex n is not in my life anymore. But I do not remember him badly, I refuse to talk bad about him, or endlessly talk how bad n´s are. As a matter of fact, I think any residue of negativity would be a sign that I´m still not yet fully healed or over it. I feel completely neutral, I think this is the goal! 🙂
    (yep, the "journey" has been very long…)

    This thought used to torture me for a very long time, "if only he would have been normal, we would have got married and lived happily in the ever after". But now I think I was a little bit naiive…Even if a man would be totally normal, I think there is never any guarantee, relationships can end for whatever reason. So this little "reality check" has made me feel better about this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 22, 2017

      Hi Elina,

      that is such beautiful news, and that you are doing so well. Thank you for sharing.

      I totally agree, in my life too outside of this mission … there just is NO N focus at all!

      Wishing you an amazing Christmas and New Year Elina.

      Mel xo

  • janie_escobar@sbcglobal.net'
    Janie Escobar
    December 22, 2017

    Wow!!! Two Christmases ago, my baby sister, who was very attached to my now deceased, narcissistic mom, invited us to Christmas dinner. We were in the habit of supplying the turkey, so, we attended. The gift giving was commencing and we noticed that she gave gifts to everyone but me, my husband, and my son in law. We saw her apologize to my son in law, but, failed to apologize to us. So, last year, Christmas 2016, I decided to make my own Christmas dinner, even though, she called to invite us. She sounded very surprised when I turned down her invitation and told her that I was making Christmas dinner. Who wants to put themselves in the same position as last year?? Who wants a second helping of that rudeness?? Not us, that’s for sure. On top of everything else, they had to come and pick up my mom to take her to their place for Christmas dinner. Did we enjoy our dinner?? You bet we did!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 22, 2017

      Hi Janie,

      that is brilliant that you enjoyed last year, and I wish you and yours another wonderful Christmas this year.

      Mel xo

  • janie_escobar@sbcglobal.net'
    Janie Escobar
    December 22, 2017

    Melanie,

    I failed to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas!! Thank you for all your help! It’s because of you and my husband that I don’t feel worthless, depressed, sad, sick, and humiliated. God bless you!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 22, 2017

      Janie,

      I am so pleased you are noth doing so well, and thank you lovely lady!

      Mel xo

  • thirty4thcolro@outlook.com'
    Tom
    December 22, 2017

    My ex covert narc has smashed out the back window of my car provoked only by my no contact and to try dampen christmas for me. Poetry in motion seeing it goes against the intervention order i took out on her and against the lies she told and the manIpulation to get a violence order against me.. Life is magic beating 30 years of addiction after understanding what i was a co dependant raised by narc parents.. so im happy to announce im a recovering meth addict and codependant.. LIFE IS GREAT SELF LOVE IS BRILLIANT AFTER READING TOXIC PARENTS IM WELL UNDER WAY TO SPIRITUALLY HEAL RE PROGRAMME SUB CONSCIOUSLY AND COME INTO ALIGNMENT CONSCIOUSLY.. WORK IN PROGRESS.. THANK YOU FOR UR WORK MTE AND GOD BLESS.. TOM CARUSO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 23, 2017

      Hi Tom,

      that is so wonderful, you should be so proud of where you are at now.

      You are so welcome and sending many blessings to you Tom.

      Mel xo

  • mikajaneharrison@gmail.com'
    MJ
    December 24, 2017

    How does this apply to covert narcissists please?

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