I’m sure you will have noticed how when narcissists are miserable, then their nearest and dearest have to be punished – and this goes double for holiday time.
Whether they are disrupting preparations, creating arguments and drama, giving you the silent treatment, or discarding you and going missing at crucial times, everything they do at this time of year is designed to hurt and punish you. All too often, this doesn’t only affect you, but spills over to upset your loved ones and taint everybody’s celebrations.
Why do the holidays make narcissists so miserable? And what can you do to prevent them from spoiling yet another festive season?
In today’s Thriver TV episode I cover this in detail – and be sure to stay to the end for exciting news of how to make holiday heartbreak a thing of the past for you!
Video Transcript
Welcome dear Thriver to Thriver TV. Today I want to talk about narcissists at holiday time and why they need to punish you.
Before we jump into this, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do, and hit the notification bell so you’ll find out about every new video I do. If you find my material helpful please share it with others so that they know they can not just survive, but thrive after narcissistic abuse.
Why Narcissists Hate Holiday Time
So why do narcissists punish you, especially at holiday time?
It’s because the narcissist is in Separation Consciousness.
Separation Consciousness is the opposite of Unity Consciousness. Unity Consciousness is the way in which – at the base quantum, sub-atomic level – we’re all interconnected and we’re all one.
“My happiness is your happiness” is an expression of unity consciousness. “I love seeing you happy and it makes me happy that you’re happy because it’s my happiness too”.
A narcissist cannot think like that. A narcissist’s brain wiring doesn’t work like that. Separation Consciousness means “somebody has to win and somebody needs to lose”. It’s not a model of plenty, it’s a model of lack – a lack of resources that means “I have to fight because it’s me versus you to try to get some of the good stuff”.
The good stuff everybody (even a narcissist) wants is inner peace and happiness, but they have a completely warped, inverted way of trying to get it.
If other people are happy, then the narcissist is miserable and intensely triggered, because to them this means “I haven’t got the goodies and you have.”
For them, it’s all about narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is attention. In a group setting, a narcissist loves it if they’re the center of attention. In your life, they want to be the center of your universe for good and bad.
They don’t want you to have energy, attention or life force for anyone or anything outside of them. So holiday festive time and group gatherings are a very scary time for them – it is a traumatic time for a narcissist because they know they cannot regulate narcissistic supply.
How are they going to weather the storm of not being the focus of attention and of seeing other people’s happiness? It’s very threatening for them.
In the early days with a narcissist, such as in a romantic relationship, you’re going to be all loved up and you’ll be spoiled and you’ll think, “Oh, I couldn’t have had a better holiday than I had with this person.” But it is short-lived and doesn’t continue on into the future.
It doesn’t matter whether the narcissist is your significant other, a family member, a friend or anyone you see in a group setting – you will see there’s always drama and they’ve got to make it about them.
How The Narcissist Gets Supply At Holiday Time
There are various methods the narcissist will use to get the drama and supply they need.
For starters, you may want this person to help with all the preparations. At the best of times, a narcissist doesn’t cooperate, but they’re even worse at holiday time. They will get your instructions wrong, and it could be argued that they do this on purpose – which I believe they do – as a way of punishing you for focussing on something other than them.
In response to a simple request, they may say things like, “Just because you want it done in your time frame doesn’t mean I have to jump to the beat of your drum.” Which leaves you thinking, “What? I just want this done. What’s the drama?” But this is what they do, so you’re already under pressure.
Perhaps you send the narcissist off with a list and they go missing in action for hours before returning without anything you need – it’s infuriating.
By this time you may be under so much pressure and stress that you get to the point where you think, “Look, I’ll just take responsibility and do this myself. It’s too much hassle involving you.” Then the narcissist will accuse you of staging some kind of coup d’état with friends and family, to try and push them out of proceedings.
You’re damned if you do. You’re damned if you don’t.
Moving on to the special day or event, regardless of who the narcissist is, there’s a few tactics they use. You may already know all about how it feels to be ‘walking on broken glass’ – and if you don’t, you soon will!
Firstly, a narcissist may want to grandstand. They want to be the center of attention, and generally this will be the same stories, acting out, and garbage and waffle, so that everyone around them is thinking, “Oh God, here we go.”
But if the attention comes off the narcissist, then they may really start boiling up inside. They get triggered by feelings of “I’m not superior, they’re not inferior,” or “I’m not the center of attention. Other people are getting the good stuff! They’re getting the life force, they’re getting happiness, and that means that I’m not, I’m suffering.” This is their terrible, lower vibrational Separation Consciousness.
The narcissist will then say and do things to start a fight and trigger people. They’re very good at triangulating and then standing back and making it look like everybody else is fighting.
Or the narcissist may be jibbing you on the quiet where nobody can see – so that eventually you are so triggered that you explode in public. Then they make you out to be the abusive one to get people’s sympathy, empathy and lots of narcissistic supply by smearing you.
Maybe they do the silent treatment – you know, that black dark cloud that a narcissist does. It’s like an ink that permeates every room in the house – you could cut the air with a knife, they’re masters at it.
Perhaps they’re just going to do the disappearing act. This can be them taking themselves off to bed without saying anything – only to really get stuck into you later on when the day is over. Alternatively, they can go MIA so you don’t even know where they are. Maybe they don’t come home for two days, who knows? You may be paranoid (or have well-justified suspicions) about where they have gone, who they are with and what they are up to.
Whatever they do, it will turn the focus back on them because that’s exactly what they’re up to.
If you are their nearest and dearest, you’re going to get punished. A narcissist doesn’t care who they take down when they’re losing narcissistic supply, they really don’t.
Getting narcissistic supply is all they care about – they certainly don’t care about doing the right thing. Their end (supply) justifies their means, which is nasty, it’s horrible, it’s nefarious, it’s not loyal and it’s not nice.
How To Survive A Narcissist At Holiday Time
How are you going to get through this? How do you survive a narcissist at holiday time?
Well, the great news is you can not only survive this, you can also thrive from this.
This all comes back to Separation Consciousness. A narcissist is in Separation Consciousness, which is a big black pit of yuck. What they want to do is get you into that big black pit as well. When you’re triggered, hurting, feel abandoned, or feel the unfairness and the injustice, then you’re in this dark vibrational reality with them, where they can suck your energy dry. That’s what they’re trying to do.
But you can avoid this using these four important steps.
Step 1: Detach
First of all detach because they’re going to try and hook you in and trigger you. Detach, don’t play.
You do that by saying to yourself, “Breathe deep.” Come into your body and say, “You’re not my reality. My reality is my reality.”
Step 2: Dismiss
Stop wanting or expecting anything from this person, because it’s that dependency that hooks you into them.
Your mantra here is, “I have all that I need from all of life. I don’t need it from you.”
Step 3: Dive Inside
This is meeting yourself and self- partnering with yourself.
Breathe and say to your inner being, “Sweetheart, I’m here, we’ve got this. I love you. We’re going to deal with this.”
Step 4: Detox
Get that horrible trauma and feelings out. Just send it off, let it go. Let it go and bring in your light force, your Higher Self, your True Self.
Detox is saying to yourself, “All of this trauma you’re trying to inflict on me, this bad energy, I let it go, I send it to source, I dissolve it back to native nothingness and I claim my life force and truth.”
That’s your four Ds – the simple quick hack to use to come back into your power.
What happens when you do this is that the narcissist becomes like a spoiled little child that everyone’s ignoring, stamping their feet trying to get attention. When you can hold your energy field – as the powerful creator that you are – you can hold it for your children and everybody else. Then the narcissist will be like that little child, banging on the glass going, “Look at me, look at me, look at me, ” while everybody else is just getting on with it.
Then you realize how powerless and pathetic these people are, and you can have an amazing Christmas regardless of what they are or aren’t trying to do.
Healing Holiday Heartbreak
Sometimes this can be easier said than done, and we really need some other tips, techniques and powerful inner shifts to get our energy field out of that dark hole of Separation Consciousness and into a powerful Unity Consciousness, which is your True Self and True Source where narcissists can’t touch you.
Coming up on the 3rd of December 2022, I’m doing a four hour workshop all about this. I’ll be talking about this entire process in depth and showing you how to make that shift from surviving into thriving.
We’re also going to be working through things like:
- Loneliness and how you can turn this into the most powerful growth opportunity of your life
- How to get out of the guilt and obligation at holiday time, so that where you’re feeling a ‘no’ you can say no instead of yes
- The struggle and pain of being replaced with new supply
- How you can detach and stop trying to go along to get love and approval, instead coming home to being that generative source for yourself, so that in future you can walk forward in into beautiful holiday times with loving, supportive, real, genuine people of integrity.
My Triple H: Healing Holiday Heartbreak workshop will have you covered, whether the narcissist is in your life or gone; and whether you’re being hoovered or have been discarded and replaced by new supply. Whatever your situation this is going to help you so much.
But beyond that, anyone who has done my previous workshops will know that you will get so much more out of it than the topic might suggest because this is going to help you with your whole life experience. This is going to help you to self-honour, self-define and self-value. For those of you who want more training on boundaries, self-affirmation and getting out of guilt, obligation and people pleasing, then this is going to be really powerful for you as well.
I cannot tell you how much my life has changed from the holidays I had with narcissistic exes into what I experience, love and live now, and that’s where I want you to be too.
In Conclusion
I’ve really loved doing today’s holiday special for you. I’ve been wanting to do a workshop like this for years because we get inundated in MTE Support with people really struggling with the holiday stuff.
This is my early holiday gift to you guys – jump into this workshop! We have limited Zoom capacity on it, so make sure you get your place!
We’ve already got hundreds of people signed up for this, because it is so affordable – you can choose how much to pay, from as little as 3 US dollars. I can’t wait to serve you there.
So remember your four Ds and also remember Triple H: Healing Holiday Heartbreak because you’re not just going to get through this. You’re going to soar. You’re going to absolutely fly and thrive.
I love you all and we’ll talk again soon – but in the meantime, let me know your thoughts below.
My mom is a narc and so is my husband. My mom’s favorite thing of the year is hosting Christmas. As my mom revels in the glory of being the hostess and thinks she’s Santa Claus, my husband usually goes into mute mode, because he is not the center of attention. I have so many mixed feelings about celebrating Christmas with her……She puts extreme amounts of pressure to attend Christmas, believe me I have had plenty of Christmas celebrations out of town through the years which I enjoy so much more. The title of this throws me a bit for the fact is I don’t want to ruin Christmas, I just am sick of this 1 day of the year where she acts like she’s the greatest person, when she is not. Since I was a young girl, she has put responsibilities on me that are hers, the list is way too long. She stopped driving when I got my license and lives nearby. She expects everyone to cater to her because she’s the oldest female. Just wanted to say, there are plenty of narcs who host Christmas to get glory and attention and order people around and treat them like they’re dirt, that is my mom. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve called out her bad behavior, nothing changes. She’s in her late 70s. I’m over it. You have helped me tremendously MTA!! Thank you……
Hi Mae,
much love to you and I hope that my work has been able to help you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Mae, you’ve described my mother in law. Just awful. We’re going on our 4th year with no contact and holidays are so much better.
Suzanne,
So glad you have established your own traditions and broke out of the destructive patterns that people expect you to do!!
I’m going to correct myself. She acts like she’s the greatest person everyday, but this is her 1 big event of the year and expects extreme royal treatment and respect, but I have none to give to her any longer.
Dear Melanie!
Gosh, this subject brings up a lot of different memories! When the kids were little and then growing up into teenagers we always made sure that every celebration such as birthdays, Hanukkah, Passover, Christmas, etc. that the mother, the narcissist, would be the center of attention! It seemed that it was kind of demanded of us and we complied!
What’s strange for me after reading your article is that I feel sad, not relieved, as I should maybe feel, since she, the narcissist, isn’t around for any of these special days anymore.
I think we all learned “compliance” to just make sure that everything went well. It wasn’t a healthy situation!
We learned to be probably somewhat “subservient” to keep her happy so that things would go relatively smoothly for all of us.
The hard part about this particular subject is the “looking back” and having some memories of these days being kind of pleasant and OK while, simultaneously, having memories of these days being unpleasant and not OK!
I think I understand what you’re suggesting for us to do to help us through the days that are looming now ahead for most of us.
This year I will try to do something different and hopefully in alignment with your suggestions here, today.
I know it’s not gonna be easy but I’m up for the challenge….thinking about it I can almost visualize it being somewhat refreshing and “freeing”…🙏🙏🙏
I sure hope that it works out that way! 😌
Thanks Melanie! Lots of love! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
yes absolutely claim your energy and right to be you – and carry on – regardless of what she is or isnt doing.
May be disruptive but its much more authentic as well as leading the way for your children.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mae and Peter. It sounds like we are triplets separated at birth! 😘 My mother is in “out-to-destroy-me” mode. My sister is her flying monkey and is obedient. I started fighting back, that’s why my mother intends on destroying me. They have something cooked up and based on things my sister says (that she’s unaware I pick up on) I’m sure it will happen soon or at my mother’s passing. I’m going to do my best with Melanie’s suggestions. It usually takes me about 3 months to calm down after I’ve spent 1 day with my mother. I am contemplating cutting them out of my life totally. My mother has convinced everyone that I’m the one with the problem so I’m quite alone and isolated. My husband and his father and his daughter are narcissists and have ruined my reputation in this community. People I just meet, that they introduce me to, make hateful comments to me. I’ve endured his family for 26 years! I’m trying to work my way out. I’m 65 so it’s incredibly difficult. I’ve lost physical health because of the constant drama and strife. I need everyone’s prayers.
Hi Sandra,
my heart goes out to you and I would love to extend to you my NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp – this will help you be your own healer and get out of this trauma and pain for good … truly. That is what NARP and this incredible community creates.
It’s your time to heal
Mel 🙏💞🦋
You are in my prayers Sandra.
I find meditation helps, of course, it can’t be said to cure trauma, but can calm and induce some peace when much needed.
Hi Sandra,
If you can go do your own thing with a friend or go have dinner out or go to a destination you want to visit, do it!! I totally get it takes 3 months to shake it off. My mom lives a few blocks away and thinks that I am to respect her, even though she talks horribly about me and my family to her friends and only sister. I’m over it. I have no respect for her and have said so. In recent years, I have started traveling to where I want to go, another thing she completely resents and thinks her needs are being ignored if I leave town. She is not disabled, other than being a narc. My father has physical limitations and uses a wheelchair, neither one of them will hire help….In reality that does make them disabled and then they try and make everyone else pay for their deficient thinking and horrible actions. I wish you well and send you prayers Sandra and hope you make the holidays yours and forget about what the narc expects. Life is to short to put up with this crap.
Always timely Melanie!
Like others…flashbacks of Holidays gone by…
Rather than the negative…there were some very educational scenarios as well!
My Uncle Bernie needed to only complain once about lumps in the mashed potatoes…once! My Mom was Awesome…she just assigned Incle Bernie the task then wouldn’t let him out of it! Yay Mom (and thanks too!)
I have an “ex” girlfriend whom I have tried so hard to remain friend’s. Now I know “The Why” so many past relationships failed…by studying her…
Lately…since I absolutely love to cook…(so hard living alone) I go to her house Holiday mornings…prepare a incredible meal for 8-10 people…
Roasts,Pies, cakes, vegetable dishes…whatever!
Then I let her have her day with all her Narc friends!
I get my Joy of Cooking…for a crowd, no cost to me, I freely give Love to others…and refuse to endure “The Show”
I also get plates of free leftovers while I hear how awesome everything was! She never goes cheap while trying to impress! hehe
Thanks Mel!
I have just been through this because I booked Xmas early and the narc DL made my son end his relationship with me 😬 old trauma triggers from being the victim of a serious crime were used against me , but I was able to catch it and heal the triggered trauma quickly , thank you for these skills , the trigger was I had no idea this new DL was even a narc she kept it hidden till she felt she had a secure enough hold over my son then she took her mask off it didn’t slip she took it off , all good now I know , I know better than to shed a tear over this or give it any power or attention , he is crying saying he has too or she will leave with his baby son , I don’t mind standing way way back here., I told him I survived a narc and I have faith he can too and will keep sharing your posts
Hi Joanne,
this is great that you were able to turn inwards and shift this quickly – that is so where the power and emancipation is!
As is your healthy detachment
Sending you love and blessings and thank you fro sharing the Thriver work.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
Thank your for this content! A little off topic, but have you ever come across anyone with Multiple Sclerosis who healed doing your NARP program. I eat super healthy, but I am an empath, and already had an autoimmune disease (IBD) which flared and knew it was time to let the narc go. I have managed to put that into remission, and I few weeks later developed MS. Still waiting to see a specialist, but already read a lot of books on this topic and it is extremely likely that it is MS. I am absolutely heartbroken and devastated, as was in a good place, only for about a week or two, when this happened. Thank you!
Hi Kati,
I have seen major shifts with NARP for people with MS (as well as any health issue imaginable). I truly do believe that there are trauma programs underpinning pretty much every dis-ease, and therefore targeting the trauma generating your symptoms (regardless of whether or not it is MS) directly internally can create profound shifts as well as solutions coming in from the Field.
I would highly recommend this route.
I hope that this helps and much love to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel,
Thank you so much for your response! I will give it a go.
Much love to you too! 💕
Kati
Hi
This really resonates with me and is extremely accurate. My partners little girl is used as the tool for his narcissistic ex…. She is already inflicting emotional pain and upset on her which then creates issues for my partner to deal with. He has almost zero contact with the mother but its heart breaking to see his little girl in turmoil (she’s only 7) How can we help her? No professional organisations can see the manipulation and the patterns. It got bad this time last year too…. On the run up to Xmas.
Hi Natalie,
I’d love you to google my name plus “our children” as I have a lot of material regarding how to assist her.
I hope that this helps!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Mel,
Beautiful and helpful words, as always 💓
Thank you 🙏 🥰
Hi Jane sweetheart,
It’s my pleasure and lovely to see you here!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Looking back over the 25 years we have been together, I can see the truth in your words as he has tried to ruin countless birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. Its gotten to where I don’t even want to celebrate. He has a huge family where everyone adores him while I get the evil twin when alone at home. Now that you have shared the why’s and the what to do’s, hopefully this year will be different. Happy Holidays. Thank you for your insight and inspiration.
Could you find different ways of celebrating without him?
Things like playing festive songs when’s he’s out, a walk to see illuminations, hot chocolate in bed, lighting a candle?
Everyone adores my partner too. He can actually switch to, as you rightfully say, evil twin, after a phone call where he’s been charming to whoever he’s speaking to.
Happy holidays yo you, too.
I read Melanies advice last year and it helped to make the festive season much less of an ordeal. I made an effort to enjoy little things every day in December.
Over the past three years, he’s assaulted me on the 21st, 22nd and last year on both the 23rd and 24th then he didn’t come home on Christmas Eve until 2pm (during lunch) on the 25th.
We shouldn’t have an expectation of being harmed but somehow understanding their behaviour can make it somewhat easier.
I’m grateful to have Melanie’s advice and support to guide me through hard times, like a lot of people,
I didn’t know what narcissism is and does for years and can remember sobbing over broken presents, dramas just before events and even shattered glass baubles.
It’s difficult to understand why narcs don’t appreciate the small pleasures life brings but they simply cannot, we should be grateful for our ability to enjoy twinkling fairy lights and a hot chocolate on a winter evening.
Wishing anyone reading warmth, cosiness and extra appreciation of the twinkles we all deserve to enjoy.
Me and my kids have a standing joke about day 3 of the holidays, because wherever we are and whatever we’re doing that’s the day my partner reliably will have a massive meltdown and start accusing, and catastrophising. Always aimed at me- It can be triggered by me and the kids snuggling up on the sofa or us having pizza which he suddenly decides is unhealthy – then I am a bad mother and these kids are going to be nothing.
15 years on I have a lawyer and a trainee doctor as kids. No thanks to him. He doesn’t have a great relationship with his kids- he is oblivious to this.
I worked out it wasn’t normal behaviour but it always left me reeling and in honesty has ruined most of our holidays. Now I understand he’s a narcissist and I am learning to detach.
Thanks for this post- it’s going to be helpful.
Hi Melanie:
I grew up with a narcissist father, and now I’ve picked someone to be in my life that is a huuuuuuuuuuuuge narcissist! It has been really rough getting away from this man. I know that I don’t want the relationship anymore, I just don’t know how to tell him. I only wrote to speak of how VERY many holidays I spent with my father, and it never stopped. He would always make a scene during the holidays, etc. In fact, every time we ever went out, he made a scene…So, maybe for NEW Year this year I’d rid myself of this narc!
Melanie ,
Thank you for your wisdom.
And thank you people for all your comments.
This Narc world we are discussing is like a secret garden.
Most people are unaware of all this malignant nastiness that hides in families and relationships.
Yes, we see it and we guess something is amiss but not enough people are aware of exactly what is happening and how Narcs manipulate those around them to get their fix of supply.
Their Narc tactics are strangely so very similar.
Their play books cut and pasted ; they are so identical.
My ageing father is the Narc.My older sister the golden child / covert Narc.
My mother divorced him decades ago and then died several years later after remarrying.
She became a social worker and got a degree in Sociology.
She never told me but I think she worked out what his problem was after some marriage guidance sessions , that failed.
In 1997 , I discovered the internet and started to look at the behaviour of my Narc father.
It didn’t take too long.
A few months of research and I was putting it all together.
After 25 years of reading and observing, I am still shocked that these people are allowed to wander around , freely.
I watch the likes of Donald Trump and think.., ‘should be locked up , immediately.’
After 25 years of knowing about my Narc father’s game book I really want to hold a conference and explain to my family what is happening.
Would love to do that just to see their faces.
Doesn’t anyone see how they are ‘Janus’ like ?
Doesn’t anyone see their malignant evilness ?
How will it end…?
Who knows.
He is approaching final stage kidney failure.
Maybe 3 more months.
He is planning another discard.
There have been many.
I have been hoovered a few times.
This will sound bad , but I just want to know he is dead, so I know he is over…
Melanie , once again thanks and have a Cool Yule…