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At one point or another a narcissist will turn on you and punish you.

Itā€™s inevitable. Iā€™m sure youā€™ve lived it, are living it right now or you sense itā€™s coming ā€¦

And you may ask yourself, ā€œWhy do narcissists have to punish people with such cruelty?ā€

Hereā€™s one answer to that question ā€¦ because YOU are to blame. The narcissist believes that you’re the reason they feel so crappy, angry, and triggered and why anything, and everything is not going right in their life.

So, if thatā€™s the twisted version they have running through their head, how can you protect yourself when they lash out and try to punish you?

In todayā€™s video I share with you how to disarm them completely and thwart any of their malicious attempts. You may find what I am going to teach you counterintuitive but Iā€™ve put it to the test and can sincerely tell you that it works.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today, I want to share with you some of the vital information regarding how to protect yourself when a narcissist tries to punish you, how to disarm them completely and be able to thwart any of their malicious attempts.

Before I get started, I just want to remind those of you, if you haven’t yet subscribed, in order to receive all of my new videos, join me in my live events, and question and answer times, and find out what this Thriver healing community is up to, please hit the subscribe button and the notification bell.

What I’m going to teach you today is completely counterintuitive to what you might’ve thought, but I promise you it really, really works.

 

Why Do Narcissists Cruelly Punish People?

To get started, we’re going to look at why do narcissists cruelly punish people? Because I want you to have a really solid understanding of why a narcissist would punish you.

Usually, they’re going to do this because they get irrationally triggered as a result of their inner terribly insecure emotional landscape, because the narcissist is a False Self. What that means is he or she is divorced from their True Self because they’ve deemed it irrelevant and incapable of getting their own needs met. They’ve squashed it and pushed it down, and positioned an egoic false creation in its place.

Now, what is the False Self? The False Self truly is this monstrous creation. It constantly needs acclaim, attention, significance and notoriety in order to maintain itself.

As far as the False Self is concerned, enough is never enough. It has insatiable expectations. It needs attention a certain way. It needs acclaim, a certain way. It means that you must serve it specifically in order to grant it exactly what it wants. And the goal posts are forever shifting, which means that the way you appease the narcissistā€™s False Self yesterday may be completely inappropriate, according to the narcissist, tomorrow. Or maybe even five minutes or half an hour later.

Really this is the thing, you’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t. No matter how many times you try to twist yourself into a pretzel, or the shape of one anyway to try to keep this person happy.

This incessantly insecure highly demanding conditional ego structure that is controlling the narcissist lashes out on a hairline trigger, ā€œHow dare you not serve me the way I demand you to?ā€

You are to blame. The narcissist believes that you’re the reason why they feel so crappy, angry, and triggered and anything, and everything is not going right in their life.

Therefore, you deserve to be punished. Once the False Self is on this tangent or rationale, and consciousness goes out the window, the narcissist will seek retribution against you in a variety of different ways that a normal, non-narcissistic and sane adult couldn’t even comprehend, let alone execute.

Now that you know that the narcissist punishes ā€“ it’s actually not personal, it’s just what they do ā€“ they do it on a hairline trigger for no other reason than the imagined slights, criticisms or betrayals that they believe you’ve committed.

 

Donā€™t Fight Back

Let’s switch gears now. Let’s talk about how you can handle this.

As George Bernard Shaw once said, and I love this. He said, “Never wrestle with a pig. You just get dirty and the pig enjoys it.” This you need to understand about a narcissist.

The way they get control over you and extract from you the bullets to put in the gun to fire at you is by hooking you into giving them narcissistic supply. What does this mean? Attention ā€“ knowing that whatever they are doing to you has significantly, emotionally affected you.

This is how it really goes. They attack you with their monstrous, immature and distorted perceptions, and you fight back because it’s ridiculous and it’s abusive. Then your reaction gives them even more fuel to attack you for.

Let me share with you what used to happen in my life, just as one of the many examples. The narcissist in my life was pathologically jealous. He would accuse me of all sorts of stuff regarding playing up and having affairs.

We’d be doing simple things like driving in the car and he’d accuse me of looking out the window at somebody that I hadn’t even seen while we were driving, or while we were shopping, he would accuse me of not holding his hand because I wanted other men to think that I was single. Or he would say that I was looking at other men in the bank when I didn’t even notice there was somebody standing in the corner.

It got to the point that I just wanted to walk around looking at the ground and not even look up. Even then I would be accused of looking at somebody. At first, with this insane behavior, I would try to do the loving thing and reassure him that of course he was the only man for me, and I didn’t have eyes for anybody else. But it didn’t work at all. Then I would get angry and absolutely lose it and become an absolute raving, mental mess in the frustration of it all.

Then of course, I was told that I had anger issues or he would blame me for the argument because of my response and leave. That triggered my abandonment issues, when he’d walk out the door, go missing and switch off his phone. Then I’d be devastated, distraught, completely manic. I would even beg for him to come back. It was beyond shocking. I know you understand all of this because you’ve been through it.

Back then, I didn’t have the tools and the understandings that I do now, the ones that I’m going to share with you. As I was discussing with my Thrive global member group, a couple of weeks ago, I said to them, “Don’t try to set a boundary from your wounds because it won’t work.”

This is because rather than being able to hold a position of your rights and truth, and health, all you are going to get back is more punishment that is further going to rip apart your wounds, which is exactly what happened in the example I gave.

Of course, narcissists, as we know, can do the most shocking things to punish you ā€“ far and beyond things like emotional abuse with accusations and nasty words, etc. Like real life, shocking things, terrible things like take money out of your bank accounts or cut you off from money. Do damage to your property. Threaten you. Replace you and wave new supply in your face. Alienate your children from you. Smear you and your reputation to community, family, and friends. Seek to destroy you with abuse by proxy. And the list goes on and on, and on, and on.

I promise you, like many of you, I experienced all of these things. Let’s just get really real with this. The punishment that a narcissist can dish out is beyond horrifying. The trauma from it feels like a Soul rape. These things are the gravest of betrayals that strike us right in the heart and the spirit of that and who we love, and what is dear to us.

The feeling you experienced when being lined up and punished by a narcissist is not just unexplainable grief and trembling rage. It also activates your greatest terrors, fears and a dread that is so impactful, you may not know how you’re going to survive it. These parts of ourselves that are highly triggered and activated are really important. I just want you to park that piece because it’s vital and we’re going to come back to it soon. It’s key to how you deal with this.

Before we get to that, grasp this, no matter what the narcissist does to you, no matter how disgusting, immoral or insane, don’t react, because it’s exactly what he or she wants. And it’s going to put you in a spider web where they just wrap the web around you more and more and more all the way to your demise.

So why is it hard for us not to react? Let’s talk about this.

 

Accept There Is NO Remorse, Repair Or Reform

This is a really important part of this, because what I’m about to tell you is probably the second most important thing you need to know about protecting yourself from a narcissist when they try to punish you. The most important part of it, I’m going to get to real soon, so make sure you stay and hang around for that, but this is also super important.

It’s really hard not to react because of course you want a solution with this. You want the narcissist to get what they’re doing. You want them to stop it and you want them to care about you like they should.

But you must understand that from a narcissist, there is no remorse, repair or reform possible. The narcissist doesn’t have any compassion or care for you. Not because you’re not worth caring about, it’s because this is a narcissist. As far as the narcissist is concerned, you denied or you purposely tried to thwart the False Self, therefore it really does mean off with your head. You need to be punished.

It doesn’t matter what you say, what you plead, what sense you try to speak to the narcissist, what retaliation you try to have ā€“ any deal is brokered firmly in the narcissistā€™s favor where you are punished and you have to hand over more of your Soul rights and your literal Life Force to them.

There is no point you trying to reason with a narcissist. You can’t talk sanity to insanity. You can’t create order where there is pathological disorder.

In fact, the more you try to control them, to try to get control back in your own life, the more you will end up out of control because the narcissist now has you on his or her hook. If you react, they can blame you, spin things, taunt you, make false promises, let you down even further and set you up for even greater falls. It’s all a part of the pathological disordered playbook. And it doesn’t go any other way ā€“ ever.

The narcissist is clever. So they’ll try to take or threaten things or people that are very important to you to get you to hook back in with them. And that’s where I went wrong in my previous narcissistic relationship. He did incredulous things like stealing money out of my bank account, taking furniture, hiding it away in storage places, bursting into my workplace, stealing computers.

Each and every time something disgusting happened, I got hooked back in hard. I tried to reason with him. I handed over more rights and boundaries, and then I would end up taking the blame and the responsibility for his horrific behavior, because I didn’t want to lose these things.

The truth was I ended up losing everything anyway. Of course, by trying to reason with a narcissists and hang on to those things, I came a millimeter off, completely losing my own Soul.

Thank goodness, in my second narcissistic relationship, I’d woken up. Since then, I’ve even further healed and expanded myself. I became able to help so many people globally understand what to do when a narcissist is trying to punish you.

It starts with getting very, very, very, very (can I say very enough?) clear that you’re not going to be able to reason with a narcissist. The narcissist does not want to stop what they’re doing and they don’t want to do the right thing.

In fact, that feels really nauseating to a narcissist because to their ego, that would be a horrific and horrible loss. There’s no vindication in that for their False Self. So you’ve got to handle this in a completely different way, and it’s not about fighting back and hooking in.

Let’s look at how you need to really fight back.

 

Become Anti-Fear And Anti-Trigger

Now we are going to get into the most powerful way that not only can you stop a narcissist from punishing, you will get the upper hand and win. This starts by becoming anti-fear and anti-trigger. I’m going to explain it.

I really hope you understand by now that narcissistic abuse is a spiritual war. It’s a battle between good and evil. Most of all, you are fighting for your psyche and your spirit. If you haven’t realized this yet, I really want you to keep your mind and heart open to this information because probably, or maybe, nobody else is telling you this stuff.

Narcissists are a no self. They’re a False Self. And like a vampire ā€“ the walking dead who can’t generate their own energy ā€“ they have to feed off your life force in order to even exist in their battle against you. Narcissists are parasitical. They are actually by themselves powerless. Think of the little man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz or the emperor that has no clothes. Narcissist can only continue to punish you if they can trigger your fear and insecurities to use against you.

I know that this may have already happened and they already have things that they’re holding over you. If you go in and try to fight for these things whilst you are triggered and traumatized, I promise you with all of my heart, that you are only going to lose more. More stuff and more of yourself.

Your true mission right now is to detach and do the dedicated inner work on yourself to wrestle your triggered, traumatized, energetic self back from the narcissist, get solid in your body, be released from your trauma, stand in your powerful, calm, inner flame, and then deal.

Absolutely, I improved my performance on this level with narcissist number two. I let go of the trauma of his phony attacks by proxy. He made accusations to authorities to try to get me arrested, and I was able to show up clear and calm in my body, present real and straight facts, and his attempts to punish me got immediately overturned. This was so different from my attempts to fight back with narcissist number one.

I’m going to tell you about Lisa, one of my beautiful clients. Lisa right from the get-go, was able to take her power back with a horrible narcissist. This is what happened to her. Her husband was a horrifically abusive man, and he set out to really punish her as much as possible.

He kicked her out of the family home. He changed the locks. He poisoned their teenage children against her with lies and accusations.

She only had the clothes on her back. He took all of the money out of the bank accounts and he blocked her from using the credit cards. Of course, she felt destroyed. A friend of hers put her onto my work and we got to work. And I told her that she needed to turn within and defeat him energetically within herself. That’s exactly what my work is about. Then as per Quantum Law, so within, so without when she changed everything, everything could change.

So Lisa, detached from him and she turned fully inwards to tend to and heal herself. She worked really hard on my NARP, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, whilst in refuge at her mother’s house to release everything that was triggered within her.

The horrors, rage, despair, and the heartbreak all started to melt away. And what arose within Lisa was courage, tenacity, and complete release from trying to get him to stop doing these things.

She now knew it was up to her to put an end to this. With a renewed, empowered spark within her, Lisa found a lawyer pro bono, and she went on the offense. She had evidence, she had facts. She was fearless, untriggered, and unemotional and she just walked her straight line.

Three months later, she was back in the family home. He was forced to move out and she had the children with her. He crumbled. He became useless in his defense now that Lisa was not reacting or responding to anything he was trying, and she was simply standing in her power. Sometime later, he capitulated in a fair settlement and custody, and barely put up a fight.

Where there is light, there is no darkness. Where there is empowered integrity ā€“ shenanigans, falsehoods, and deception have no standing. As I said, this is a spiritual war, and when you reclaim your True Self without fear and with solidly shifting out all the traumas and painful beliefs that the narcissist is activated within you, then the narcissist loses all ability to punish you.

I can’t tell you how many of these success stories we’ve had in our NARP community, more than we can count over the years ā€“ new ones coming every day.

 

In Conclusion

Like myself, Lisa and so many others, if you’ve had enough of being throttled, defeated and desecrated, and you want to stand up and take back your power against narcissists, then I would love to explain to you more about how you can do this.

To get a deeper understanding of what I’m talking about, please come join me in my Free 3 Keys to Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse webinar. The link is now appearing on this video, or you can check it out in the show notes.

I really hope that this has helped. I look forward to your comments and your questions below.

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48 thoughts on “Protecting Yourself When the Narcissist Tries To Punish You

  1. Itā€™s 12:10 uk, sitting here asking my dear Lord for some help and hey an email arrives from you dear Mel. What!! canā€™t believe it! Ive got to nearly 62 next month and found out last year that my partner of over 40 odd years been diagnosed with early dementia and narcissistic personality disorder, although they said it was too rigorous a test to prove! Early days in our relationship I just thought oh thatā€™s him and accepted the behaviour, was young and didnā€™t know anything. He took an overdose on the day of my op for a serious illness I had, Iā€™m in a and e with him and Iā€™m going into surgery in a few hours! I had never heard of npd ever! Too long to go into but to cut a really really long story short, saw the good in everyone, manipulation was never in my radar
    Then someone came into my sons life and I just had a gut reaction, this person isnā€™t true, no morals, no values, no integrity. Why am I walking on eggshells around someone who I adored when I first met her, why am I not believing a word that comes out of her mouth. I accidentally (or was it accidental, I think I was meant to find you) found your website. My son wonā€™t have a bad word said about her and Iā€™m devastated. She has now got my grandchildren on her side and Iā€™m heartbroken, why are these people put on earth to destroy the lovely life we had, the bible calls them scoffers, that is users. I have lost me. Iā€™ve become suspicious, untrustworthy and doubt everyone! Why does everyone think these people are wonderful, kind and considerate but covertly they destroy you. I love it when I see your name pop up in my mail, it gives me courage and strength ā¤ļø

    1. Hi Val, I too felt the woman who is in my son’s life, a false person. My son is very protective of her, she has alienated me and banned me to visit, with this cut off I rarely see my son. Since their marriage my son’s two children from a previous relationship, have not seen their father and his new wife since. This is how they want this situation. I do not know where the children live and each day I hope to bump into them. You place your love and trust in people, only to be destroyed emotionally. I read and see Mels work, it keeps me going šŸ˜Š

    2. Source neither punishes or rewards. Infinite truth never divides against itself. So it follows, in the long run no one judges us but ourselves. We are our own reward and our own punishment. Understanding this also nourishes healthy boundaries with others.

  2. Awwww Mel. What an absolute JOY you are. I am one of your Thrivers and about the become one of your SuperThrivers in Oct šŸ¤ŖšŸ¤©šŸ„°. Iā€™ve been following you for the best part of 8 years and dabbling in and out. I knew my soul needed to learn something as it was knocking but the Knock wasnā€™t loud enough until 2017. Someone I never met moved in next door to me and began a campaign of abuse against me because she wanted land I didnā€™t want to give her. The knock was so loud, it nearly killed me, it brought up every trauma I could remember and had pushed down and those I could not, I thought the devil had taken over my soul and I wanted to leave the Earth. Youā€™ve been my guiding Light for the last 4 years. And what a journey. I have had all the worldly Gold you talk about. I Won spectacularly in Court. I was protected against everything that was thrown at me. Just enough to get me through until Victory in Court. I started with NARP thinking it was about the Narcissist and it was but OH MY GOODNESS! šŸ˜‚. I had no idea where your work would lead me. The Victory for me now has nothing to do with the Narcissist, but about connection to Source. The Bliss of being connected to Source no matter what is going on or not going onšŸ¤©. Dear Val , go with this feeling that Melā€™s work is generating in you. It is going to set you FREE from the Narcissist but itā€™s more, MUCH MORE , it is going to take you somewhere beyond your wildest dreams. Melanie I caught up on Thrive week 9 today. I laughed SO much. And what an amazing healing. Gosh, I am still flying in the light of it. You are a brilliant shining Light for us. Iā€™ll be following you into eternity. You are a GIFT and I am so Blessed to have been able to be experience and know your Light. Much Love ā¤ļø

    1. Ramona darling lady,

      it is such a joy to watch you heal and blossom.

      Week 9 was FUN! (hahaha!)

      Can’t wait to take this journey even further with you in October!

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’žšŸ¦‹

  3. Dear Melanie!
    Thank you so much for sharing with us your own personal story of your past abuse and telling us the story of Lisa and how you and she were able to recover from horrific narcissistic abuse! It was, again, so inspiring! (I love your stories, by the way!) Unfortunately, I have been through almost everything that you described about Lisa in so many ways! For a long time I just didn’t know what to do. Things were getting worse and I searched and searched and finally found NARP. Finding, thankfully, and doing NARP work has helped me to manage some of the personal terrors from abuse I’ve been put through… I am mentioning this today because I have been frightened about trying to put forth a compassionate and logical and forceful settlement proposal for property and assets to my control freak wife. I was afraid of doing that because I knew that she would just slam it and disrespect me and do everything in her power to destroy my efforts! Today I was not afraid and I did it and it felt so good! šŸ˜Œ Without NARP as a guiding light both inner āœØ and outer ā˜€ļø I would not have been able to do any of that. (I have spent literally hundreds and hundreds of hours trying to find the place within to show me and tell me what to do often with poor or unproductive results)….Today I was able to recognize, mostly I’m certain, from my work with NARP, almost silently, the urges of my inner being trying to guide me…. in such a fluid and lucid way all the words came into focus that I needed to say! That was a very special moment and experience! I thought that it would be good to share this with you and other narpers because it is a major accomplishment and kind fit in similarly to what you mentioned today, although in a much smaller way. So, I want to thank you again for giving us NARP as NARP continues to help me to “in a sense” to see and feel the light! Thank you for allowing me to express this today! Much love to you, Melanie! ā¤ļøšŸ¦‹ā¤ļø

  4. Dearest Melanie,
    For twenty years I have been subjected to narcistic abuse and horror. I have been through all of the emotions and terrors that you described, unfortunately to my demise. After lots of trial and error with how to handle this horrible and nasty narcistic person, I discovered these past twelve months and I instinctively became aware and knew that the only way was not to give my power away to him, so hearing you speak about this has been such a comfort and welcomed relief for me to know that what I have been doing is indeed the right way to fight back. However this was after years of trying to get him to understand my position which he never ever did. I think it is going to be a long road to inner recovery but hearing your YouTube video has given me hope and faith that the light is still there waiting for us the unfortunate victims of this awful narcistic treatment to heal and to finally be whole again. Love and Light, Maria xxx

  5. I am frequently amazed at how Melanie sends these “real zingers” of EXACTLY what I need to hear, EXACTLY when I need to hear it. Wow, thank you, Mel!

  6. I am going to expose her life of secrecy and lack of commitment to relationships and the multiple affairs she had when married.

  7. Hi Mel
    Thank you for these brilliant words of wisdom. In terms of narcissists who target who or what you care about most to get reactions, how do we handle this, in my situation, with our younger children? I have an in law narc, the epitomy of all you say about them. And she intrudes on the their boundaries, toddlers, to get reactions from me, now that she cannot intrude on mine to get a rise. How do I not react to intrusions on them and their space. How do I not rise to violations in this way. Thank you
    Rachael

    1. Hi Rachael,

      I would be laying very firm boundaries to step in for my kids – if her behaviour is violating them.

      Then you are not “rising” you are stating clear boundaries and truths for your children.

      Then if they are not respected visits end.

      That’s how I would feel about that … and because of NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp you are able to get out of the guilt and fear of doing that.

      If her behaviour is not truly violating and more about triggering you, it may be a trigger within you that “she goes for” that once you have worked on inside you – she stops affecting and pushing. Because n-abuse is an energetic phenomenon.

      Inner work leads to you changing in order to change the situation – that’s how empowerment for you and your children works – either way.

      I hope that this makes sense.

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’žšŸ¦‹

  8. Hi Mel,
    What an Amazing Article. So Powerful and Alive and Vibrant!
    Thank You.
    Kondwani

  9. Hi Mel
    Even after decade’s the punishment of all the abuse is still living on inside of me. I was wrong for feeling hurt by his punishment and wrong for thinking he did anything wrong. Now I realise it was his monster ego and his perception of me no matter what was so warped and twisted he saw all is sources of supply as the total opposite of who they were and what they wanted or didn’t want. The ex narc had a female narc friend who also seemed to find it amusing how he using his sources as objects and then turned around and used that information to secondly shame and blame them….bizarre totally. Need to heal can’t react from a wounded place anymore.

  10. Mel,

    What if the narcissist is your own child? Although I feel totally free from abuse, I want to feel love enough to help daughter heal and recover – but I know Narcs don’t change. It is worse than abuse to think that she will never be free. How do we live knowing this?

  11. As always your words are very helpful and timely for me as a I work through a lengthy situation with one of these Narc folks.

    A lot of what these people do is downright criminal. Nothing is off the table with them.

    May your higher power bless you.

  12. Dear Mel:
    I have been legally and financially seperated for ten years as of August 1, 2021. We were married for 37 years, and my wifes final attempt at punishment was to demand that my retirement pension be paid directly into her bank account. Do you believe that the retirement company refused or it would have happened?
    Days later he walked in on me, I was at the kitchen table and slammed the client card from her lawyer on the table and advised me to get my own lawyer because the demand for a”Financial Seperation” was being prepared.
    One act I instinctly did well was not to engage, especially when she was in a rage. I thanked her for the information and went back to my computer work. While that further enraged her I had learnt that if I do not engage, she will leave. I heard the front door slam shortly therafter.
    Rather than get involved, I moved 4,000 km away. She followed me with emails, facebook and visits. She realized she had crossed a line and did not get the compliance she was demanding so she started sucking up to win me back. This was our fourth seperation, but the only legal seperation. Slow learner here!
    For critical health reasons I was forced to return. My surgeon had stopped my surgery and when I woke he told me I had little time left, “Put all your affairs in order.” Instead, I got a second opinion from a younger surgeon, capable of performing the surgery, (2014) When it became evident I was not dying quickly my wife became aggressive again and asked who I was using for a lawyer. I asked if she would be willing to see a mediator, she agreed as long as the mediator was of her choice, and since I had studied mediation I insisted I would give her an honest evaluation of their expertise and my personal experience with them. She was convinced her danger was someone I knew would favour me. She chose the most incompetent professional I have ever dealt with, but she was female!
    After loosing all our intake data, and charging us to collect it again, my Ex changed her attitude noticably. Too late!
    The seperation has now been 7 years, I continue to ignore the confrontational crap! She has suceeded in turning two of our three daughters against me. I am deprived of the joy from 4 grandchildren. But I share the joy of 2 grandchildren a nd my oldest daughter’s family.
    I am understanding much more on a daily basis and I thank you for that. I cannot deal with more than one of your sessions a day, and sometimes I take a few days to go forward or even back to a session. Your program is very organic, leaves, limb, stock, base , or roots may be my next need and maybe I do not even know my next need, but what you are ‘feeding’ me is working.
    Thank you for your sincere caring,
    Chris

    1. Hi Chris,

      my heart goes out to your for your courage, heart and spirit to have survived through all of this.

      Thank goodness you are honouring and healing you and I am honoured to be able to help you with this.

      Much love to you and your family and I wish you more healing and good health Chris

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’žšŸ¦‹

  13. Thank you Melanie.

    You work has helped me so much.

    I too learned to stop reacting and staying happily within my boundaries. I lost all my furniture and had to sell the home we had owned jointly because of debt he had burdened it with. Now I’m rebuilding. The apartment was awarded to me when I divorced him. I’ve even published a book of prose which depicts my journey hereto.

    Again thank you
    ans
    and God bless

  14. I am presently going through this with a sibling. This sibling couldn’t get things their way, or force me to jump through their hoops, so they got a lawyer and came after me. It seemed apparent that this N wanted to communicate through lawyers (and likely the only way to get through to the N), so I too retained one. Honestly, when their way of communication is sending emails in HUGE font and all capital letters, they weren’t intereseted in ‘communicating’. I told them the truth, and that only seemed to make them angrier, for reasons I still don’t understand, so what was the point of trying to reason or further engage with them? It was a clear, obvious, bullying tactic. The N’s lawyer completely ignored my lawyer and refused to respond, which my lawyer felt was likely done on purpose. My lawyer attempted to communicate with the N’s lawyer numerous times, and felt the N and their lawyer had given up on, what my lawyer referred to, as a frivilous case. The next thing I know, I am being served and sued by the N, and also being held responsible for their legal fees and court costs! I had to respond to the charges, or the court would deem them as true and proceed forward, with forcing me to pay, as well as fold to the N’s demands. So, I was forced to now retain a litigation lawyer. I stuck to the facts and truth of the matter, and refused to engage in the N’s games, nor did I try to defend myself against any of the lies the N was throwing out. The N got nasty and started desperately acting out, when it was apparent they weren’t going to get everything they wanted in this situation. In the end, they got partially what they wanted, and because they had purposely ignored my lawyer (who also came to my defence), they had to pay ALL their own legal fees. That was a huge win for me, because I knew this N had to pay a hefty retainer (as I did for mine), even before the lawyer did any work for them. Throughout this ordeal, I had 3 different lawyers involved, and none had anything favorable to say about this N! These lawyers told me this should have never been brought to the court level, they were sorry I had to deal with this ridiculous, controlling N and that he was a total dick to try to deal with!
    I had to deal with this same N just last week, and did so with zero emotion, zero triggers, I kept to the facts and nothing more…I felt nothing towards them! It felt amazing, and I am quite proud of myself…through this last ordeal with the N, they refused to look at me, at all! I’m finally feeling empowered and free of their BS!

    1. Bree,

      I love the fabulous job you have done with this.

      Calm clear facts … not defending nonsense. Not getting triggered and reacting in ways that handed your power over.

      Of course their argument was going to fall to bits!

      Thrive On!

      Mel šŸ™šŸ’žšŸ¦‹

  15. Only two minutes into your talk MUST comment.
    MTE – This is so clear – THANK YOU so much for the supportive help. Continues to help me and save me.
    I knew that my parent who succumbed to this personality disorder DID love me when I was a child – but the false personality took her over as she aged – and the change was SO profound – it would be impossible to understand what in the world happened to her without this and other guidance.
    God bless you and your effort – will help the whole world.

  16. So this came at the perfect time. Yesterday I wanted to end my life but he only thing holding me back we’re my kids. I honestly have no hope anymore there is nothing of me.

  17. To all you dear survivors out there, please know that God is with you.
    Narcissism is such a terribly awful thing and once you get free of the narcissistic person, the healing time is long, painful and very raw.
    My darling boyfriend of 3 years whom I loved so dearly, was an absolute narcissist and the cruelty inflicted on myself and others is too painful to note.
    It took me a very very long time to realise that the way he was acting was unfair. I just thought i must deserve to be treated that way. He loved me, or so I thought, so he must think I deserve to be treated this way, right?
    Throughout it all, I trust I can now look back and be forever grateful to friends and family for pleading with me to escape the relationship… hard and tremendously heart wrenching as it was to leave it.
    I have no more tears left to cry, he came back so many times that I totally lost count and like a fool, I took him back each time hoping against hope that he had somehow changed and would once again be the loving, caring man I fell so deeply in love with. How wrong I was.
    Thank you Mel for all you have done for so many, you deserve a medal.
    And to all those out there that are struggling to come to terms with what they have been through, take courage, you are so special and so worthy…..and never forget, Jesus loves you.

    1. Why do you still call him ā€œMy darling boyā€?
      How about something like – ā€œI loved his imagined narrative which he created to mesmerize me with so I would ignore his true self when it came out.ā€
      Itā€™s like he found out what your buttons are and then created a persona to match your emotional longings. Itā€™s like going to a play and falling in love with the role the actor is playing.
      Can you separate these two entities out?
      At some point my brain was so scrambled (caused by screaming attacking rants starting at bed time) that I saw a movie and was so emotionally involved with the actorā€™s role that it was only hours later that I realized that it wasnā€™t a person at all but someoneā€™s fictional creation – not a true human being – not flesh and blood!!! What a shock!

  18. A woman should always have her own money; not doing so sets her up for disaster. Thank You for this video, Tonia; I am one of your Thrivers from when your program debuted. I tune in from time to time, and this one is easily one of your best. Soon, I will have my own story to share. Thank You for all you do for us; you were my first hope to healing.

    1. I turned over my financial assets to my ex to manage while we were married because I trusted him and thought he would be better at this than I. We merged all of our accounts. He often threatened to leave me penniless and to take our daughter. But with the death of a relative, I was able to set up a single account on my own. That ended up being my and our child’s lifesaver, along with the documentation I compiled. With karma and our perseverance, all has finally turned out right.

      1. Sorry, meant to say with the inheritance from the death of a relative. One has to rediscover one’s resourcefulness. It can be hugely difficult.

  19. What if you feel like you know in your gut that your abuser will do you great bodily harm if he even feels like you are taking steps to depart from them. Thank you

  20. Hi. I have been no contact with my former narcissitic partner for 3 months. He moved out on me in December after I lost my temper with him for the first time in three years. I left to go on a walk and to cool off after the fight; I came back four hours later and he had moved out. I was destroyed. I begged and I pleaded and I apologized but he deployed the silent treatment. I was looking to understand what had happened, trying to find answers to what I had done wrong when I stumbled upon one of your videos. My God, what a life changer. I joined your free program and for the first time realized how I was so hurt and unhealed from a lifetime of trauma and he was only the catalyst that brought all the past pain to the surface. I thought I was doing so well and didn’t need to join the full NARP program but I am 7 months out from his leaving, 3 months no contact, and he is still in my head and I am having trouble letting go. SOOO, I am joining NARP bcz I am ready to become healthy and healed and happy.. Thank you Melanie.. You are a life-changer. Gratefully yours, Julie.

  21. This is Tanya again. I still have much to communicate. I was baffled by just how many of us have endured the same toxic, hurtful, one sided, destructive relationships. In which we all seem to articulate and communicate impressively well, and all highly intelligent. I found it sad, comforting and alarming all at the same time that much of my exact verabge and exact ways I feel, or lack feeling currently, donā€™t feel, the intense and concerning and extensive medical, mental and physical ailments In Which have been extremely debilitating is clearly a direct result from years of giving up our minds, spirits, souls, motivation, drive, priorities, energy which has seemingly left many of us feeling as though we lost ourselves and canā€™t recall who we are, what we like, what we enjoy nor do we have the energy to exert I. Our hobbies and interests at one point we would be so elated to participate in. I can honestly say I feel a complete disconnect with my soul. With this sever physical nervous breakdown I canā€™t think clearly, retain very little, lack an adequate amount of focus, canā€™t eat or sleep for the first time in my life, my arms hands and legs shake like a leaf, I have zero patience and or coping skills, my vision gets blurry, or often see black amd white dots caving in, canā€™t function or keep up with my daily task, get clammy hands, drop things constantly ( my balance off and I am typically very coordinated with exceptional balance being I was a competitive gymnast and could do back handsprings ( back flips on a six inch beam) . Lost quite a bit of weight, aged 10 years in 3 months, feel I could collapse or die at any moment starting to hallucinate from the severity and lack of sleep and eating properly. So all these things are beyond frustrating, scary debilitating and have now been Taking from the quality of my life and my thoughts go to feeling this isnā€™t a life and then I find my mind going places that are very unfamiliar to me. Dark thoughts but only because I want the peace and rest. Itā€™s a very helpless feeling being an exceptionally strong woman but having no control over my thoughts and physical disconnect from my mind. Iā€™m exhausted canā€™t shower now developing depression ( never felt that ever) fear of leaving my home as Iā€™ve been holed up for 3 months to try and recover and to limit stressors that have the ability to cause regression yet when my ex comes over cuz I beg him to care for the dogs to hospitalize myself and he sees me in the extremely serious state and health he has no restraint nor any regard to avoid conflict and to help my progression continue. I have been the rock, I take care of all things ( hubby has never rented his own place or even with a roomie, never paid a bill, wrote a check, opened up an account on his own, purchase his own vehicle, or put himself on his own cell phone plan). Heā€™s almost 50 years old and has been catered to my mommy daddy and then me. Itā€™s no wonder he feels entitled, gets angry when flr the first time he worked two years ago And would throw drunken rage is about how he would work just to contribute towards bills I reminded him welcome to adulthood this is why people work.
    My daughter at age 26 has accomplished so much more than my own husband at age 50 she went off to college and graduated top 10% of her class at Loyola of Chicago University she has traveled to Europe she has rented her own apartment, she has purchased her own vehicle she has been promoted to senior publicist
    And just the four short years she has been working with this major publishing house in downtown Chicago and she got into her career in which she majored in just two weeks after graduation I worked since I was 16 years old I was out on my own a week after I graduated from high school got a full-time job put myself through college had my daughter raised her all on my own since I birthed her at age 20! I was very self-sufficient and then Extremely driven quite happily independent and was a very healthy happy, positive, fun, warm, trusting woman in which my husband soon to be ex took all of it away from me I donā€™t even know who I am anymore he sucked me dry he sucked my soul, spirit, money, desire to continue on, energyā€™ mind, Health, happiness, drive trust In others, my sanity, my goals and ambition and intense excitement for life, business endeavors, my creativity and all of my energy to the point where I donā€™t even know left from right. I truly believe that no one person should have this kind of control over your mental and physical state and well-being but unfortunately this isnā€™t a choice that I have mean this is a disconnect where your body start shutting down and the neurologist explained to me that people can die from stress they can go blind from stress and I have lost function of my body and to the point where I am now hallucinating and should be hospitalized but I moved out to Maui with my husband I have no core friends here no family I have begged my ex-husband to please take care of the dog so I can go hospitalize myself but yet he comes and asks what he can do to help if I ask him to walk the dogs his response is fuck you donā€™t tell me what to do he starts yelling and screaming getting combative because he knows I wonā€™t tolerate it and I will kick him out and thatā€™s what he wants so that he can justify leaving and not being there it is on me because
    I had to ask him to leave but itā€™s all manipulation he pushes my buttons he was screaming cause a scene put the roof over my head at risk knowing that I have no other option but to ask him to leave and then says it was my doing. I truly believed him to be a textbook sociopath but after reading this I realize heā€™s also a narcissist and could quite possibly be on the cusp of a psychopath considering that he has collected numerous panties of women he has cheated on me with which I read up on and typically that next step is peeping toms or this could be him breaking into homes. Along with being absolutely mortified disgusted repulsed confused finding him on little girl porn sites and these are girls that donā€™t have pubic hair yet or even that mosquito bites for breasts so he has some very very deep rooted issues dark demons and I have for years felt like Iā€™m sleeping with the enemy I have no idea who this person that I married is nor do I think I want to I just hope he gets the help he needs and leave me alone so I can recover any knowledge recommendation suggestions please feel free to fill me with your knowledge all he has done to me is so absolutely inconceivable and unforgivable that I literally cannot function and heā€™s the only family or person I could count on here and he is so evil that he is seeing how horribly Iā€™m doing he has cried about how it affects him I have had thoughts that I am ashamed of having I have physically hurt myself I have broken things and none of this is who I am I feel broken and I have that begged him to be there for me and I now realize that what I thought was textbook sociopath he is also a narcissist he has no empathy no accountability no regard for others itā€™s always been about what he can get out of others, how he can benefit, his feelings and no one elseses. He would take the last dollar from a homeless friend. Even if he had 2 $20ā€™s in his own pocket. Itā€™s beyond I mind screw knowing that the very man I spent 18 years of my life with gave him all of my heart all of my energy would literally dig my grave and he is doing just that. he would stand over me as Iā€™m dying and fight scream yell call me horrific names itā€™s unreal and so deeply hurtful. This man has not once ever apologized on his own for anything ( not one action, not being physical or mental abuse, not cheating, not lying, not up and leaving me for weeks at a time while I endure horrible medical issues. I have to ask ā€œ do you ha e anything to say and his response is trying to conceptualize the human race that innately has morale, then as sociopath do he will try desperately to mimic how he thinks heā€™s supposed to apologize but you can very clearly tell itā€™s never genuine and so forced. And all to literally do the exact same thing an hour later that he just fake apologized for. during my worst medical time he goes binge drinking and has left anywhere from two days at a time to eight weeks and then just shows that like he was never gone I didnā€™t know if he was dead in a ditch had another family in jail I donā€™t think I couldā€™ve have gone into an insane asylum or on the streets and hand-picked a homeless drug addict person with extreme mental disorders I couldnā€™t of hand-picked even out of those people a worse husband than what I did anyone would be better. He is a compulsive liar I was leaving 10 days out of the month to go and work out of town and he would tell me that he was doing Uber or a lift and then Me being the trusting person I am because I am trustworthy I asked him numerous times what he was doing while I was out of town he said he was doing Lyft and Uber I think profusely for contributing and working to help out and finally one of my colleagues said do you really believe what heā€™s telling you you do know you have an app an iPhone we can track where he is come to find out for a week straight he was telling me he was doing Uber and Lyft but he was partying he was leaving my dog stranded for 16 hours they had no food or drinks and I even tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and thanked him for fiercely for helping and working thinking maybe that would make him feel bad and go to work and then he started getting drunk driving Uber and left driving kids and families to the airport people who are leaving the bar is trying to be responsible are getting in the car with a drunk so I surprised him with the blower and had him blow one day and when he blew a .20 I sold the car that I purchased for him to do Uber and Lyft again this is a man that during the scariest worst medical situation I had endured he leaves when times get the test disappeared for eight weeks I could not work I had to sell everything I owned and value everything I worked my entire life for Just to keep a roof over my head and all he can focus on was that I sold his surfboard and he will bring up things I did 15 years ago because he has nothing and I reminded her I sold my things I sold a $6000 art piece I sold all my Louis Vuittonā€˜s I sold my grandmothers wedding band and then when that ran out and there were still more bills to pay I sold the surfboard that I bought for him to pay our bills but he doesnā€™t care about my things I sacrificed now we have literally been separated and he has been living with mommy and daddy for the last six months and he is stocking harassing spying scaring friends men anyone that I have around me and then if he finds out or thinks that I guys interested in me then he will go and basically threaten saying that heā€™s Hawaiian and he will make sure that guy and whoever I date he will destroy us he will make us want to move off island I am not with the man and he still affecting me every day I believe at this point heā€™s digging my grave and Iā€™m feeling really hopeless and I do I do feel grateful I came across this site because I realize the severity and how imperative it is to stay away from the very thing that very stressor that very trigger that has literally been debilitating me because I need to recover and I wanna get myself back and I want to heal I know itā€™ll be a process and I will only invite quality people into my life once Iā€™m feeling back to my normal self does anybody have any recommendations as to what I can do I really just think I should be hospitalized but I donā€™t have any more to care for my dogs
    Any triggers, I start shaking violently, constantly almost collapse or pass out, been excluding myself from any and all social events In summary, I also felt as though I was going crazy. After reading I now realize the horrific and consistent effects these Narsasistic and socio paths have on even the strongest, most intelligent of us. Most donā€™t understand this isnā€™t a choice to feel or endure all we have as a result from constant fear, stress, trauma, pain, instability etc etc. BE WELL MY FRIENDS. MAHALO FOR YOUR TIME IN READING MY NOVEL

  22. Hello….. How to protect myself against a Malignant Narcissistic personality…..
    Downright STRESSFUL from my end. In short, bought my condo 18m ago and knew I was living across from from a Council member. On my second day here, she, at the front door foyer and I entering the fouer, the look on her face all twisted, glaring at me. A look I shall not forget. Fast forward 6mnths past that, I accidently spilled liquid soap at my front door, the cap just came off. I attended to it immediately and texted the President to make aware of soap stain. Well, when this Council member came home, knocked on my door and went all to pieces regarding this wet stain. She went OFFF THE RAILS !!!!!! I apologized profusely, however, she would not let it go, rantinggggg !!!!! . Fast forward again and the REAL personality revealed…..She possesses a SOUND SENSOR, THERMAL IMAGING, NIGHT VISION GOGGLES and INFRA RED HEAT …She averages 70 hours per week monitoring me from behind her door, ALWAYS AT THAT DOOOR !!!!!!!!! There IS a dip to her flooring which I clearly hear. Reached the point, I CANNOT talk on the phone, because of the sound sensor. As if that was not bad enough, she goes to the neighbor next to me, who used to be a council member and I CLEARLY HEAR HER PUTTING ONE FOOT IN THIS NEIGHBORS DRY BATHTUB, EAR TO THE WALL.. I have her down as CRUEL and SADISTIC..She is RUTHLESS, NO EMPATHY, NO CONSCIENCE.. She ****IS**** OBSESSED WITH POWER. She is the treasurer here NOT the President.. SO upsetting !!!! Right at this moment as I type this, she, getting her apparatus ready for this evening,goggles, infra red, imaging. How I know she has thermal imaging ?? …She SCANS the apartment/AUDIBLE and sets her sights on me for the evening, using the infra red. Has various degrees to it.. One’s bedroom supposed to be safe haven, a retreat after a busy day, NOT THE CASE !!!! .Have CALLED THE POLICE and am told….. NOTHING TANGIBLE TO WORK WITH, JUST MY WORD ??!!?? .Not like I am renting and can move just in a snap.. Selling is adifferent set of circumstances. This was to be my home. No end to this womans mercurial behaviours.. POINTLESS to talk to her as that would be accusatory. She HAS ENEMIES in the bdlg I am told…. I am beside myself…. At this moment she is scurrying in her apartment as she prepares herself for tonight…She has no friends over, just visiting this ex council member every night and then when she arrives at her suite, ON GOES THE SENSOR, ETC……IT IS FRIGHTENING !!!! at 2AM, lying in my bed, AWAKENED by the INCREASE IN TEMPERATURE from INFRA RED, and SHE WITH HER GOGGLES WATCHING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .I live alone, IF I had a man in here THIS WOULD NOT BE HAPPENING !! . SHE HAS MANY FACES OF EVE, THAT I KNOW….Multi personality/antisocial,sadistic, and aggressive…..All these behaviours from the day of the soap spill… It, apparent, a changed World alright with this type of person in it, I donot know her apart from being across the hall, and now I am her VICTIM…. Bad time of year to sell, try to be strong, so difficult in knowing she is ALWAYS THERE, ALWAYS MONITORING.. Always thinking of ways to be a sadist….. Sharing my story gives me a tad comfort, yet, it starts all over…..

    I have her down as Cruel and Sadistic, she is RELENTLESS with her actions

  23. They stalk, surveillance, drug, confuse and whatever they can to bend reality to their will. Even though itā€™s not actually reality. Iā€™ll publish their journal so everyone can see them for the predatory old man toddler they really are.

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