I am so happy, humbled and thrilled to be a part of this incredible global community where so many people heal for real from narcissistic abuse. Meaning they don’t just get out and survive – they reignite, become rebirthed, and they rebuild and truly Thrive.
Yes, it takes inner work, it takes inner dedication and discipline like your Soul depends on it (because it does), but it is incredibly possible, if not entirely probable.
Today, I want to grant you a road map regarding the 4 signs I believe are letting you know that you are healing from narcissistic abuse.
This will be confirmation for you, if you are on your way to GENUINE recovery, or if you may have some adjustments to do. In these 4 signs I am also going to grant you the faux signs – things you may believe are authentic recovery – so that you don’t fall for them.
Sign Number One – You Are Genuinely Letting Go
You may have heard people say, “I’m over that – I don’t think about it anymore.” The truth is they are not over it – they have pushed the trauma down and buried it. Covering something over is not the same as “letting it go”.
Internal trauma is like housework, it doesn’t go away – it just piles up and gets messier no matter how much you try to ignore it is there.
If you have just decided to “move on” and “not think about it”, you may be really shocked to find you still feel traumatised, are lacking in energy and will often keep coming up against the same types of people and situations no matter how positive you try to be.
This is especially true for an experience as severely emotionally impactful as narcissistic abuse.
Truly letting go, means that you have self-partnered (turned inwards), faced your damaged and devastated parts, and done the inner work to hold and let go of the traumas you were infected with as a result of narcissistic abuse.
Then you go free of them.
What does this genuinely feel like? It is an experience of being able to discuss what happened to you whilst literally no longer feeling the emotional charge of it in your body. The trauma no longer exists. It’s like you are talking about a different person in a different time.
This is true, because once that trauma has been released, and you have gone free from it – you are a different person. You have graduated beyond the trauma, and the bonding and addiction to people who delivered it – into a whole new trajectory of life far more empowered, wiser and more whole than you were on before this happened to you.
Sign Number Two – Your Abuse Symptoms Are Melting Away
The standard “survival” recovery (which in my humble opinion is not genuine recovery at all) means that you may get out and away, yet you will still indefinitely be battling the nasty symptoms of narcissistic abuse, such as PTSD, adrenal fatigue, anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, agoraphobia … and much more. Then you may join an online or in-person PTSD group and share how PTSD is limiting your life and ideas regarding how to adjust and manage your life with PTSD. That is really sad, because it means trying to battle PTSD for life, whilst constantly confirming to yourself that you are a PTSD sufferer.
My own journey with Thriver recovery and that of thousands of people worldwide in this community, has taught me something very powerful. All ‘dis-ease’ is generated from emotional trauma that we hold in our body. Once you know how to target and release the trauma, it makes space in your cells to reset back to your own incredible ability to self-heal.
When I had my psychotic and adrenal breakdown as a result of narcissistic abuse, I weighed 80 pounds because I couldn’t eat, my hair was falling out in clumps and I had the additional diagnoses of C-PTSD, fibromyalgia, agoraphobia and manic depression. I was told I would need three anti-psychotics to be able to get back to any level of functioning and to stop the psychotic episodes I was suffering as a result of my breakdown.
I was told I would never fully recover and would probably need these medications for the rest of my life.
Thank goodness I found another way to heal myself naturally. It was with the Quantum Inner Work that is in my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program(NARP), coupled with the life-saving decision to turn inwards to heal myself back to wholeness, that caused my symptoms to start healing and dissolving away very rapidly.
Today, I have zero symptoms and continually (with the NARP process which is a life tool) can release any emotional trigger and continue to get more solid, powerful, whole and safe in my body as my life progresses. This didn’t just save my life it GAVE me my entire life!
Thriver Recovery has allowed so many people in this community to also melt away not just emotional and mental limitations but physical and spiritual breakdowns and disease as well. Another positive side-effect of healing from narcissistic abuse is your financial wellbeing resetting as well.
This community’s Thriver stories are full of these examples!
As the trauma leaves, healing begins.
Sign Number Three – You Start Becoming Your Own Source
As victims, understandably we want someone else to come and fix our pain, provide us with love and approval and mop up the pieces for us to grant us some sort of compensation for what happened to us.
As many of us painfully discovered, when trying to get this, others, no matter how supportive they were, couldn’t take the pain away, couldn’t fix it for us and couldn’t “give us back to ourselves”.
Possibly, such as in a love relationship, we met someone genuine and wonderful, yet couldn’t trust them. We can’t accept their love, and find that we are questioning and sabotaging things and no matter how many times they try to wring their hands and heart out to help us – they just can’t.
Or maybe the people we did trust, just ended up hurting us all over again, and just as before we ended up feeling hooked, dependent, and addicted to them and we were unable to break away.
My Thriver Way to heal for real lets us know right from the beginning that no one is coming. We are our own saviours and my work is about empowering you to become that.
Why is that important? Because as an adult now, your inner broken, hurt, insecure parts are calling out for YOU to turn inwards and love and heal yourself back to wholeness. As children we were powerless to do this, as adults we are not.
It’s only by accepting this truth that you will start to grow up these young unhealed, undeveloped parts into a solid, healthy, whole adult within who is no longer the inner broken child dependent on someone else to grant you yourself.
I adore the story Don Miguel Ruiz shares in “Mastery of Love” regarding two women – one who cooks herself nutritious meals from her well-stocked kitchen who refuses an offer from a questionable man offering her pizza every day, whereas a woman who doesn’t cook for herself and is starving, accepts the greasy pizza every day and the abuse that the man delivering it also gives her.
The message is powerful – if we don’t become a healthy source to self, then we are dependent, and highly susceptible to only feeling lovable and worthy if others are loving and approving of us. When they are not, we are lost, empty and needy. If we can’t provide for ourselves healthily, emotionally and financially, then we may cling and accept treatment that is painful or even Soul-destroying.
I promise you with all of my heart, I used to be the former woman. I am so thrilled to say the freedom, joy and power that comes from being “whole” means that we can share our lives with other “whole” people, and easily say “no” to those people who are not healthy to share a life with.
Can you imagine how magnificent it feels to be in that place? How fulfilling and satisfying it is to feel like a grown up adult in your body, knowing that you can generate your own life now, without needing people.
True healthy love comes from wanting to share healthily, not from needing to stay connected.
Sign Number Four – You Have Healthy Boundaries
Survivors of narcissistic abuse may absolutely initially want to pull out of a great deal of human interaction, because they don’t know who and what they can trust.
I promise this is normal, yet to continue on disconnected, being fearful of human connection and not knowing how to interact in ways that keep you safe and support your true Thriver Life is not really living at all. It means hiding out, dimming down and playing small to try to avoid being hurt again.
As Thrivers we purposefully address and heal those parts within us that were terrified about speaking up and saying “No” in order to navigate life and others, and keep the bad out whilst defining and accepting the good into our lives. A powerful goal is to step up and honour ourselves, being the guardian of our own truth, values and well-being by laying boundaries regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.
This means no longer trying to keep the peace and avoiding the fears of C.R.A.P. (criticism, rejection, abandoned and punishment) of having our own values, preferences and worth.
These were the unhealed fears of our childhoods, yet as adults we can heal and grow ourselves up inside, and move beyond the previous limitations where we were selling out our better inner judgement by agreeing with or going along with people because we didn’t want confrontation.
Within Thriver Recovery you will start moving into your empowered truth, knowing that your boundaries don’t need another person to agree with you, they only need YOU to “get it”.
Now, because you are learning to be authentic and have difficult conversations, move into alignment with your inner intuition and honour yourself healthily, you will start to easily see who can join your values and truth and who can’t. You will know every time you say “no” you then open the space to accept how and what will be a healthy addition to your life.
Your life is a series of choices, and it is our responsibility to make whole choices from a whole self. It’s no one else’s job!
Your True Self and Life will start generating beautifully when you engage in Thriver Healing and get greater clarity and power around this!
In Conclusion
I know that healing from narcissistic abuse can be painful, arduous and absolutely feel like you are spinning your wheels.
Sadly, many people never heal for real, and only keep trying to battle and manage their symptoms because they didn’t know how to heal in ways that truly work.
Let’s recap our 4 areas of recovery that we talked about today …
Can you now see the difference between trying to get over what happened and truly letting it go?
Do you understand how trying to join victim groups and battle your symptoms is so different from being able to genuinely heal and live free of them?
Are you able to feel how growing into being a solid adult in your own body is so much better than feeling powerless and wanting to be saved from what happened to you?
What would it be like to have healthy boundaries and be able to be in the world confidently, rather than having to dim down, insulate, isolate and live in fear?
These stark differences showcase the night and day difference between mere Survivor Recovery and True Thriver Recovery.
If this really speaks to you and you would love to join myself and thousands of other Thrivers, then I can’t recommend my NARP Program and global Community highly enough.
I really hope you enjoyed this article, and I’d love to hear from you below.
Where are you on your recovery journey? Which of the above 4 areas of your life would you love help with?
Please know your questions and comments are always valued!
I love your style of writing b/c you make the topic or questions crystal clear! Thank you for this affirming article! 🙂 With love & thanks, Donna G
Hi Donna,
Thank you for your lovely comment!
Please know how welcome you are.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie, thank you for this article, and all that you share. I can now say I am recovering from NAbuse and it’s all thanks to NARP and your articles. I couldn’t have imagined the life I am now living even a short time ago. I feel good in my skin. I feel hopeful. You’re absolutely right about this being a spiritual battle. I’ve come to realize that both my parents had NARC tendencies so my healing with NARP is touching on some old experiences. The NARC that is my co-worker brought everything to light. Thank you SO MUCH for the work that you do!!
Hi Barbara,
please know how welcome you are!
I love that you are breaking through and doing so well.
Thank you for Thriving.
Shine on Dear Lady!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Donna nice comment and so true — it is a life affirming reading isn’t it. Bright words matter in the dark forest of recovery, caused by 2019-2021 gullible police lies and his false narrative and litigious abuse. In my case by a platonic ‘new friend’ the malignant NPD. 65 year old Brighton musician; initials BL. Beware as he’s still out there ‘working’ care homes: acting out as a “victim of feminism”.. with his accordion ! x
Thank you Melanie for this article. I have been in a state of terror and fear since my divorce five years ago. I won’t go into the details but it was horrific. I had to find somewhere to live, take care of two young children, work, and just keep going. But I was going down and I still am. I’ve tried psychotherapy, medication, hit the booze, a short relationship. I am not my former self and my former self was amazing. I had so many interests. So much energy, loved to cook,take great care of my kids, nurture people and help people that had less, entertain, travel, plan vacations, keep in regular contact with my family inOz, send them presents at birthdays and Christmas time. I feel so traumatised I just want to sleep and avoid my feelings. It’s awful. It’s home on too long and o don’t know what to do
The Narp program is what you need to do. Amazing support for healing too once you join.your life will shift totally if you do the inner healing work with the program. It works if you commit to it and it’s not hard
The NARP program will work wonders! I was amazing too, before the divorce-storm – and through healing, I’m not only discovering those ‘lost’ parts, but even more amazingness on top of it! Seriously, NARP is the best investment I’ve ever made in myself.
We don’t return to that person we once were, we change, we grow for the better. These toxic experiences are not a life sentence but a mere lesson. Embrace it! ❤️
It’s my pleasure Eliza,
I’d love to help you have faith and know that you can heal for real, and that you don’t have to do that alone.
This is what my Thriver Healing community is all about.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar which can help you get your soul, sanity and life back.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Getting a hold of what happened. That is a start for me. Then gradually taking the care to implement the “cure”. Now astounded as I begin to continuously feel appeased , but , don’t know why or how. And i can only associate this phenom to my self relevant attention. Thank you ☺️
I can’t thank you enough for your posts. I am 76 yo and had a 15 year relationship with a covert narcissist end early in 2/2021. Of interest, I chalked his behavior up to his diagnosis of manic-depressive disorder for which he took a very small dose of Lithium. The triangulation occurred with his former wife, and an affair with a choir director in his church, etc. He threatened to leave if I didn’t marry him, and when I told him I couldn’t marry someone I didn’t trust, he over reacted with significant anxiety. I had actually been waiting (for 4 years) for him to end the relationship because my love had run out and had not been able to end it. Nevertheless I was surprised to have him march into my home and throw down the “shame and blame” letter. I think I was more upset that I had become such a people pleaser in order not to rock his boat, that I immediately started the work to retrieve my soul. I never clued into the diagnosis of narcissism until reading the letter he dropped off explaining (and blaming) why he was leaving our relationship. (He never mentioned in this letter that he was seeing someone else, until I asked him). Imagine my surprise, and went through all the emotions associated with the realization I had my soul vampired by a narcissist. I have only seen him once since he left the relationship and if I had known about “no contact” I would not have seen him then. I did NOT respond to two emails and one note from him, and have not heard from him since. Your book and your on line support has saved me. I think I am in a good place in my recovery at this time, but am still open to learning. And yes, he is a pillar of his community…..and yes, our mutual friends would never believe this about him, but my close friends do as do my children. I am filled with gratitude to be getting free. Life is beautiful and the universe holds me in grace.
Hi Nancy,
you are very welcome.
I love that you are getting free and that I have been able to help.
Sending you continued love and healing Nancy
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for this article. I read each of the 4 points and i feel so whole after doing the work. I have new friends renewed the old ones that were true friendships. Best of all my family come to me for advice and caring. I am 73 was with a narcissist for 5 years. Thought he was my life soul mate and my destiny. My friends tell me they have never seen me this happy and at peace.
Hi Brenda,
It’s my pleasure.
Wow – look at you!
I’m so happy for you Dear Lady!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
After reading this article, it revealed to me that I’m doing good on my recovery journey. It is one day at a time & I have grace for myself. I had a conversation with someone when she revealed her horrible narcissistic partner issues & I shared how much I could relate. I didn’t cry nor did I feel it in my body-as you mentioned. At first, I felt like I was cold & detached, but your articles show me that is where I want to be. I want to share from a place of strength & not brokenness. I can even write this & use my real name without fear of C.R.A.P. because I don’t care who knows. I pay my own bills, too, so who can punish me? I even know that my 3 adult 20something kids are living with their choices to hang with their dad & discard me. It’s their choice & I no longer cry about it or blame myself consistently. This journey is ongoing which means that when feelings or thoughts try to bully me, I think of Ruiz’s 5th Agreement: Be skeptical, but learn to listen. I challenge my thoughts & analyze them & release them. They may have a moment, but not my whole day. Thank you Melanie. One day at a time…
Hi Dayna,
This is great that you can see your healing progress!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie, thank you for your strength. I am recently separated and pursuing divorce of my narcissistic husband after 35 years together! He has turned all our mutual friends against, and even first stole my son who is 31 and then eventually my two adult girls 29 and 25. He’s evening routing for my siblings but they know me too well to listen to his nonsense…but he nearly succeeded with one brother but I think his wife saw who the Narcissist was very early in our relationship and so, is able to talk sense into my one brother. The pain of losing longtime friends, very hard…the pain of loosing the marriage…very hard too… but the pain of loosing my children to the manipulation, triangulation and lies…I can’t even comprehend in words! I too have bought my dream home after 8 months of being out the his web, my business is thriving and I’m the happiest I haver ever been. I like that you centered the discard by your adult children as ‘living with their choices’ and it certainly has put a different perspective on my decision not go no contact with them, and my feelings about that. I appreciated hearing a smiliar story that has helped me to get back in alignment that all my decisions, feelings and experiences are valid and true. Thank you.
Hi Ann,
it’s so great that you are moving through much of this.
Concentrate on healing you on the inside Dear Lady, and I promise you that miracles can come with your kids.
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for the article the narcissistic boyfriend I had has made my recovery very difficult however I have been no contact for 6 months now and have heard nothing from him. He had a new supply almost instantly which really made me see who he really is. I still cry every night over the pain and the loss Of so much in my life including my health and self. I try my best each and every day to only focus on my goals and people that are good honest friends. I am a survivor but I know I have lots of work ahead of me to be thriving again and to remember that no one is coming to my rescue.
Hi Courtney,
It’s my pleasure.
I can’t recommend enough doing Quantum Inner Work to get that terrible trauma out from within and set you free.
That shift happens very quickly with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope this helps. It is your time to heal!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Today I did meditation for both first and second shifts in body cleansing. I don’t know what sheet to refer to so I took simple notes, this is my first day. My visualizations were powerful and I was impressed that they came to me and included family and friends, other than the narcissists. Melanie invites relaxing and allowing the experience to unfold. A peace remains with me and I’m encouraged that my repetitive thoughts can be dropped soon. These N’s have been in my life for decades but I know I’m healing. Time alone over a year in quarantine started so much unraveling and NARP will provide me the clearing tools. Thank you!
After 15 years of marriage, I saw who he was. I learned through a family member that he had cheated on me ongoing and he also confirmed this when we signed our divorced papers. I felt so good after reading about narcissistic personality. Then it all made sense. The lies, the threats, blackmailing, hoovering, all these techniques used on me. Despite this, I have grown and learned to let go of things that I can not control. My children are his flying monkeys, but step by step, I show them how a healthy parent should behave. I depend on myself and do pretty well.
I cant say the same for relationships. I just dont trust people and it is hard for me to open up. I think that eventually, I will learn to live in peace with myself and I am learning to love it.
I think that I learned so much from this and I have become more receptive to others.
It has been a very hard pill to swallow, but eventually it becomes old.
Your story resonates with me. I was married to a narc for 17 years & our 3 children are his flying monkeys as well which has caused the most pain until I had to go no contact with them. It is not easy & I pray daily for them. I had to realize that I couldn’t heal by allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. Hopefully, even that will show them that boundaries are necessary & I love me more. Many blessings on your recovery journey.
Agree though I don’t relate to the wanting to be saved from what happened to me. Self help and new agey stuff didn’t appeal to me as much as journaling and reflecting on past and current events. Running away or cancel culture or revenge isn’t the same as detachment or moving on, which actually requires letting go and you can’t really let go until you are spiritually and emotionally mature enough.
I used the free course and your emails to start my recovery and exit from a horribly narcissistic person. It was then that I discovered that I was surrounded with more than one ! I truly believe that my mom got sick and eventually died from non stop narcissistic people. I’m free today from calling on my God and Savior and staying aware through your emails. A lot of the time my mind often goes back to the source of the abuse. My childhood ! The men my mom brought into my life and the mistakes I made dealing with it. Although I’m free from the people I am constantly reminded of childhood events and why I became an easy target. I’d like to stop those thoughts but maybe they are what keeps me from letting in the wrong people now. I have to remember that as a child, I was not mature enough to deal with life correctly and was constantly told that I didn’t deserve better and to deal with it when I didn’t have the ability to. Forgiving myself is the work right now and I am slowly getting on with it but I’m working my way towards total peace and happiness. Thank you for your constant encouragement. Although I was in a financial mess from narcissistic people and couldn’t afford the actual course, your emails made the difference in getting my life back and seeing God as my power to do it.
Thanks for this article. I often wonder up to which point I am healed. I’d often like to say I’m done, but then sometimes I feel triggered again.
I know I’ve done progress when I look back at the person I was during my relationship with him. I feel much more grounded and worthy. Still, it can be hard to feel “whole”, especially as this pandemic has given me a whole lot of loneliness and I long for hugs badly!
But getting there, hopefully…
I feel the same way Julie. I thought I was so over it. I’ve come so far in a few years, new job, new house, new man, totally new outlook on life. my friends say they have never seen me so at peace and so content, yet I still get triggered. The reactions to the triggers are getting less overwhelming and less frequent buy they’re still there. Today, my new partner noticed my nose was misshapen and didn’t feel right for the first time. We just celebrated a year of dating. He knew I’d been hit before but I don’t think he realized that my nose had been broken. He felt terrible for bringing it up and was so supportive. I couldn’t control my tears and had to leave and come home to pull myself together.
I guess there will always be reminders. I’m nervous he will always “see” the scars now.
I’ve also been feeling disconnected as a result of the pandemic. It was hard to connect to people following the abuse and I isolated myself for years. The pandemic extended that isolation and my loneliness too.
Now as I come out of my cocoon I feel ready to re- engage with old friends and new but it’s unsettling. I’m not the same person as I was before! I’m bigger and better! And even though I freaked today, I’m grateful to have found a man who is gentle and truly cares. Hope we can find a way to not let my past define us !
Somebody please free Britney. I think she has all these issues.
Letting go of trauma that I have buried is a working progress. Self-partnering and turning inward is truly the way to heal yourself. No one is going to do it for you.
Just this past week, I was able to work through a major trauma. I realized in my 36 years of marriage how easily I turned my cheek to his behavior. Being divorced from this N and having no contact for nearly four months has gotten me to the point where I finally tended to my emotions on affairs he had when we were married. I only reacted after his first affair and ignored the others. He had eleven that I was aware of. That internal trauma had not gone away. I gave myself permission to react. I journaled my feelings in one notebook and in another notebook journal I named “letters to (Narcissists name)”; I wrote to him how the affairs made me feel. It was not nice by any means and I would never waste my words on him in a conversation because he is not capable of listening and not open to any feedback that involves his behavior. Releasing that hurt in writing, I found to be very therapeutic and this emotional trauma has melted away. There are more traumas that I will be facing in my healing journey and do visualize letting them go. Melanie, I’m in for the long haul and I am determined to fully get to that wholeness you mention. Thank you for sending educational and timely messages.
Hi Melany, I am in the stage that all the same people are coming back in my life, just if I am doing good these toxic people want to destroy my good fruits, I am allowing these people to much in my life. These bad women who want to be up and above me, stealing all the good things from me
Hi Melanie,
This has been quite a journey and thank you so much for your article.
I have thought for years now that I have become whole as a person by turning inward and following your guidance.
I can not tell you how many times, I would experience some form of Narcissistic abuse,
realize it and try to remove myself from that. Your email would specifically address the particular issue that was occurring and remove all doubts or questions for me. So Thank you!
I feel that I am pretty far in the process. I am not afraid to initiate new relationships and am able to be open. If people need to me to talk about my history, I can do so without being re-traumatized.
At this point, it is like a past life.
I recently was trying to help a friend who was not in a good financial position and allowed her to move in with me. After a few months, she started gas lighting me.
I immediately recognized it, did not respond or engage in this Narcissistic warfare, but turned and walked away. Needless to say, this infuriated her beyond belief. I was not giving her what she wanted. I did how ever provide her with 30 days notice and she spent those 30 days stomping around my house slamming things and behaving like the biggest baby I have ever seen.
She is gone now, and I again want to thank you.
I just feel relief. I never started questioning myself, which is exactly what she was trying to get me to do. I actually feel really proud of myself for how I handled the situation.
I can not say it enough, Thank you for all you do. You have helped me so much to finally arrive in this place!
Hi Melanie, you have and still are my go to person who reminds me to keep evolving. After horrible lifelong narcissistic abuse, I finally have removed the many narc frenemies completely and have made peace with myself. I’m now moving cross country to a much healthier environment where I expect to fully thrive beyond anything I have yet experienced. It’s really true that in giving up what feels like “everything” you allow space for new, healthier growth to occur. Thank you for all your good and vital work!
Hi Melanie!
Firstly, I want to thank you for explaining these four “goal posts” or “signs” to look for in our healing from narcissistic abuse journey…..If I were to look back at how I was doing two years ago and then looking at now, today, I can certainly say that things are better in all four categories! 🙌
However, I know that I have a ways to go! I don’t want to delusion myself into thinking that everything is fine. I have a lot of healing to do and a lot of inner work that is still necessary….to say that I no longer feel past abuse….or that I can say triumphantly that I have established clear and concise boundaries, etc…..All of that, honestly, would be delusional….However, I know that I’m on the right track….I know for certain that I wouldn’t be where I’m at today without the help of your incredible and wonderful teachings! ❤️🦋❤️ So, I am thanking you once again for everything that you’ve helped me with and for NARP…. I’m sending my deep ❤️ and continuing thanks to you for everything that you are doing, so selflessly, that helps, not just my life, but the lives of SO MANY OF US each and every day….lots of love Melanie 💞🕊
Hi Peter,
how wonderful you have had graduations in all four!
Thank you for your lovely words, I am grateful for them.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I was doing quite well. Then. Bang PTSD on our 55 wedding anniversary. Haunting past was triggered so severely. The narc is a MR. AA. And Ijust realized our housekeeper is a woman he bonded with as a Sponser. So here comes their intimacies. Imagine at. 74 yrs. having teenage chaos. I fired her. HE is so angry he won’t talk. After I set boundaries. Not to witness their flirting I am only talking of disrespect for my feelings since the past has shown infedilties. AT LEAST I SET BOUNDARIES. Did not know triggers were still so raw and painful. MElanie. I always re dive mail from you during these painful times. Amazing. I need ore quantum
I see how many people were affected by narcs. As I was abused, manipulated, lied to,stolen from and invalidated by the people in my life.Thank God I found what the truth is!!! Heal my Friends ,release the pain,realise the NARC will never accept the truth that’s why the seek narcissistic supply from Empaths who are unaware of being used as victim’s of the narcs manipulation.
God Bless Melanie T. Evans!!!!!!
Empaths can never heal the pain of narcissist’s .
after reading your blog i must admit it has really help me in so many ways…i never knew they had people in the world like this (horrible) after learning what i was dealing with i began to educate myself the more i read about this disorder, the game change for me when i realize it was not my fault why the narcissist was treating me that way i began a plan of escape! at first i tried so hard trying to tell him all the things he was saying about me was not who i presented myself to be or else he wouldn’t have anything to do with me, now i realize i was shining bright like a diamond and it caught his eye and he wanted to get to know me better to my surprise he sold me a lie and i bought it (as is)not even given it a second thought, i knew i had found my soul mate as he would say and he turn out to be my soul taker and a spirit breaker but thank god i don’t look like what i been through i got down on my knees please hear me when i said i called on the name of the most high (jehova jirah) i was in one of the most darkest days of my life and i wouldn’t wish that on anyone because everyone can’t handle what we all have been through he wanted destroyed after i blown his cover but let me tell you those eyes were pitch black when the mask fell off it scared me straight i knew than i wasn;t dealing with a normal person and that i had to get as far away from him as possible i left what little i had at his apartment my life was more important than materialistic things and that’s what he crave a child with tantrums of a three year old and besides i didn’t want my daughter nor my grandkids around him because he always wanted to be thr center of attention thank god i feel sooooh much better i take care of me now i get to go shopping for myself take myself out to dinner it feels so goodto be a better me i’m not saying i hate the narcissist because truly he awaken something in me that i didn’t know i had strength like (whitney houston) said i didn’t know my own strength,,,,,, i crash down and tumble but i did not crumble i got through all my pain yes i can say i’m healed because i don’t feel any hate on him iknow this person needs help but i will tell you this that trauma he went through in his child hood has nothing to do with me he was damage before he got with me that’s why they say hurt people hurt others i would not allow him to blame me for his mother neglecting him as a child and he wants me to lick his wounds it’s a new day retta got her groove back,,, right now i’m just loving this new me and attitude,
“pitch black eyes…scary”. Yes been there. My ex Narc/sociopath(?) used to march up and down raging over minor things. These rages extended in length eg up to 2 hours at a time. Any reasoning on my part just made things worse. There seemed to be an underlying aura of “I will not have insolence!!!” The day after I was sooo depleted and a physical and mental wreck.
His eyes used to go black. (He had brown eyes.) It was unnerving. Like having a shark in the room. Dark eyes with no feeling in them.
I read somewhere this is dilated blood vessels in the pupils, because they are in such an aroused state. That’s all very well for them. For me it was like witnessing pure evil, feeling this viscerally in my gut.
Blessings and healing to you.
This post popped up on my news feed tonight. I have gotten several emails over the last several weeks, so I looked back to see when I got the first one. It was June 20th. On the 22nd, I got an eviction notice. (That’s a story for another time) So I’ve had to deal with all of that from then until now. For now I have all of my things in storage, my cat is being fostered, and I am in a temporary hotel shelter at least through November. And I see tonight that the next Thrive Membership Program is exactly in this time frame, it seems obvious to me that it just might be a good time to do this. Now I’ll have to seriously consider it.
Hi! I am a NARP member. I am struggling with #3 the most. I feel fairly solid on the others. However with #1 trauma or puzzle pieces come to mind from time to time, but I don’t feel much emotion attached to them and can talk about them freely without any emotional trigger. With #3 I have had sort of a double whammy. This is discussed some in my posts in NARP. I left my N ex in March 2021, he moved out May 2021. We were living with my mother. My son and I still live with her until I can get on my own two feet. Still struggling financially and depend on my mother for some expenses, groceries etc. However in addition at one point she was undermining my parenting and sort of inadvertently started to take over preparing meals for my son, trying to discipline him in my presence, buying him things, clothes, toys. At other times I would catch her talk down to me or my son. This was not quite as noticeable when N ex was still here because his abuse was more apparent. I figured I needed aspects of her as my mom to get through this and got along to get along. But since it’s been just us 3 I have really laid my boundaries and have made them very clear. It took a while into NARP to really get serious about it with her but I have. Problem is we are still here and I feel it is haulting my progress propelling forth to next level. I basically have to micromanage her and living here. My ex N and I had a joint business. It is closed for the most part. I’ve been going through a bankruptcy, mostly for joint business debt that was in my name. I started renting my (previously ours) luxury van RV, and was getting rentals back to back at first and now not as many. My N ex and I owe my mother a large sum of money for investing in a real estate project years back. I’ve been self employed for 20 years and homeschool my son. I just want a life dedicated to him where we are free to be at peace and do what we want to do. I started the van rental because it was the quickest most obvious way to generate income at that time, assuming I need to attain this “security” for myself as soon as possible. My mother I feel is a unhealed codependent with N traits. She was married to my dad for 25 years who led a double life for many years with another woman half his age who was also a previous abuse victim. My mother and I had a futile relationship in teenage years especially and before. I always thought she was the problem even when they divorced. But I see now how that was likely reverse projecting on my dad’s part, painting him in a better light. I lived with her for years following their divorce and gave up my dream (at the time) to stay then met my first N ex. This was now my 2nd. One 11 years, 2nd 9 years. My mothers fear mongering is quite obvious. Always has been. She is terrible at it. Unfortunately she has all her kids eating out of her palm and they all live close to her. My brother and sister. They are not healthy individuals either. My mother has even made comments about my appearance my clothes for example even knowing I have nothing to replace them with at the moment. Her and my dad have always been hyper focused on appearance and achievements. I’ve thought of selling my van as a ticket and then reinvesting in a few new vans and renting them through another company that manages all that. Sort of an opportunity that has come up. I have fears surrounding this but it sounds like it could be good. Source to self is my prime issue I’d say as well as still getting triggered by things the N ex does (in custody battle) and this leads me to nowhere but loss of my time/self etc. He apparently has found a new way to try and abuse me, unfortunately it has worked a few times but I have caught wind of it now. Please help me.🙏💙
Hi Sheree,
my strongest suggestion to you is to come into the NARP member’s forum, where we can drill down and support you in the best possible way http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope that this helps!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I have been free from the narcissist now for 1 full year. I too started losing hair in clumps around this time last year. My hair is still shedding, I’m told it’s called telogen effluvium (hair loss after traumatic event). My issue is that this is now keeping me isolated. How long does this process of hair restoration take? I also lost a lot of muscle mass. I’m told that this is from high cortisol (fight or flight). I finally stopped shaking a couple of weeks ago, hoping this is a sign that cortisol is runnin the whole show of my body anymore. The insecurity now is not the break from “him” but my body and hair condition.
Melanie, how much hair did you lose, and how long did it take to come back? Did you have to have a wig at any point?
thank you kindly for your response, or anyone else that has experienced this devastating issue
Hi Think Freely,
my heart goes out to you because losing one’s hair is so painful and damaging to our self-esteem.
My hair was dreadfully thin – I lost maybe 70% of it. I put hair extensions in which helped me feel better aethetically and also stopped the stress of losing my hair which also of course caused it to continue.
The greatest turning point was releasing the inner trauma with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp which stopped the adrenal malfunction in its tracks. This paired with good nutrition and supplements allowed my recovery in all areas of my life. Inner healing was the most powerful key.
I hope that this information helps you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Think Freely
I too suffered from hair loss & weight loss.
Aswell as doing NARP, eating nutritious meals will help gain muscle mass & help your hair grow back. I have protein drinks with peanut butter & banana to help with muscle mass, exercise will benefit in so many ways. I’m not sure how old you are but the sooner you start the better. Adding supplements like spirulina, chlorella, maca, matcha & collagen (in powder form) in smoothies will really benefit mind & body. Hair oiling & massaging your scalp everyday for a few minutes will encourage new hair growth. Do some research, there’s so much out there that will help you. Also having blood work is a good idea incase you’re anaemic. Know that this will take time, enjoy the process & fall in love with yourself again. I hope this helps.
Hi Mel,
Great post thank you makes a lot made sense to me. I wanted to ask when you have stated ‘the way others treat us is the way we ourselves treat ourselves’ – does this mean the way we have internalized and accepted bad behavior, abuse, painful experiences and the way in which we absorb that as children or young adults and we minimalize our feelings because self-blame is so part of the norm coming from childhood trauma, is this what you are saying or I am totally off the mark? I know that people, experiences mirror what patterns we need to heal but I am starting to realize and come to terms with how trauma is about these patterns, toxic attachments, etc and how abuse gets reenacted. I realize thinking is not the way as knowing only comes from a healed state so you are totally on track lady.
Hi Nina,
you are 100% correct!
It’s the Inner Healing that changes your Being, and then how you are “being” to yourself completley, as well as what you will and wont accept from other Beings!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I did the NARP course and it does require continued work. I was diagnosed with two separate cancers back to back last year. I’m finally getting better- Thank you Mel for your guidance. This is one of the hardest “life paths “ I have ever chosen. I’m grateful for lessons I have been learning.
Hi Kristina,
I am so thrilled for your hard-earned breakthroughs.
It’s beautiful that now you are shifting out of the trauma load internally that you are healing.
Well done for having the courage to do so
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie, you made your pain a gift of healing for us all. Your experience, your healing process and your teachings have been an indescribable source for me to understand, go through and now beyond my trauma. I can only wholeheartedly agree with Donna, the first person who left a comment that your style of writing and talking makes the topic crystal clear! I am so grateful for your guidance to get out of my personal mess and suffering. You and your work are uplifting beyond words 🙂 In deep gratitude, Andrea
Hi Andrea,
I am so pleased that I have been able to help you heal, and you have so courageously done the beautiful inner work!
It’s an absolute joy to share this journey with you Andrea.
Sending you so much love and continued blessings.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
It’s true that Melanie has top-notch writing skills that convey these very difficult concepts and harsh realities into clear, understandable concepts that make sense and give us a smile as we absorb these truths. Her writings (including her quick, personal and truly heartfelt replies) are accessible, clear, wonderfully humorous at times (I think this is a delightful “respite” given why we share here) and really “hit home” with accuracy. She also has the patience of a saint! Her encouragement is like an enveloping blanket of healing, which, for me, spurs me to continue into my thriver-hood. I couldn’t ask for more; thank you , Melanie.
You are so very kind, Man from California,
Please know how welcome you are and how thankful I am for you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
I actually signed up for NARP about 2 years ago, not long after I had found out my husband was an actual narcissist of the worst kind. He is textbook. I have been 2 years out and it has been the divorce from hell. Once the facade came crumbling down, the monster emerged. He dragged me through the courts with bogus lies and manipulation…all designed to break me in every way possible. I quickly realized that his ultimate goal was to destroy me completely. The same woman who was the loving, kind, nurturing, dedicated mother of his two children. He wanted nothing more than to see me destitute, broke, depleted entirely of my life force, crush my spirit. His pathology has kept me locked inside my mind of dreadful fears, anxiety and hopelessness. His power is fueled through my buy-in to his narrative. I have never in my life experienced this kind of trauma and I often tell people that the betrayal/multiple affairs and emotional neglect had become the very least of the pain he caused me. That’s the small stuff. Trying to absolutely destroy my sanity is far greater. I would awaken every single day with the terrifying knowledge that a very calculated, strategic and deviant manipulative person wanted nothing more than to cause my downfall. His treatment of me, the defamation and cruel slander was beyond belief. Once the mask came off, he no longer had to pretend and what I saw was very, very toxic and dark. Over these past 2 years, I have tried to put band-aids on my pain. I didn’t want to face the torturous truth of my situation. Instead, I spent my days avoiding the work, hoping that someone would show up and rescue me or that my ex would just go away and disappear. I mean, I was a good person right…and as such, I would obviously win the spiritual war I found myself in. Not so. That hasn’t happened and at times, I find myself more broken than ever. I have now reached my final point of desperation. That moment when you find yourself sitting on the floor of your room begging for some relief. For anything. I just want the stress and helplessness to evaporate. I have, through all this pain, come to the conclusion that there is only one way that will happen for me. I concede and surrender. I forgive and release. I love myself and I do the work to let go. I commit to giving myself the gift of healing and the gift of self-love. Sadly, there are no shortcuts. no magic wand or pixie dust. So, I went back into my inbox and found the NARP links and here I am…ready to begin again. For the first time in a long time, I feel less defeated. I will rise up. I will thrive.
Someone recently told me that God only gives the heaviest burdens to those who can carry them…and that our own suffering is designed to prepare us so as to channel these difficult life experiences into something good. In time, I will do just that but for now, I am going to go inward and spend a little time nurturing and absolutely adoring myself. Thank you for your insightful knowledge and commitment to the cause. You are indeed a light worker.