Narcissistic behaviour is unfathomable. Yet, even after experiencing the horrible, malicious things that a narcissist is capable of, you may be wondering the following …
Will he or she ever wake up? Will the narcissist ever regret their behaviour?
Is it possible for this person to have remorse for what they’ve done to you?
In today’s TTV episode I’m going to bring you the raw, unadulterated truth about these questions, and more … In such a way that hopefully you will never need to ponder this again!
Video Transcript
These are the questions on so many people’s lips …
Do narcissists know what they are doing?
Do they ever regret their behaviour?
Do they ever atone for what they’ve done?
If you want to know the truth to these questions, then watch on because I’m going to answer these questions and more in today’s TTV episode.
Before we get started, thank you everyone, who has supported the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel, and I’d like to remind you, if you haven’t already, please do. And if you enjoy this video make sure to give it a thumbs up!
Now let’s get started on this very important episode by looking at a humanity-based system of regret, and then we can move on to what narcissistic regret really is.
Understanding Genuine Regret
Genuine human regret contains the following vital points:
• Remorse for what happened to others.
• A desire to resolve damage caused to others.
• Wanting to atone and amend future behaviour.
Does this sound to you like what a narcissist is capable of?
Of course, it doesn’t, because it isn’t even what a narcissist wishes for. He or she does not want to be vulnerable, real, genuinely apologetic or hand over anything to others that may leave them susceptible to them.
In stark contrast, people who are not narcissistic, want to connect, care and can join with others in healthy ways. They desire teamwork and trust and know these are essential commodities in order to experience healthy relationships.
General Narcissistic Regret
Narcissistic regret contains these antisocial elements:
• Zero compassion, concern or care for others.
• Feelings of loss as a self-absorbed failure of their personal agenda.
• Comebacks that are equal to, or greater than, the previous pathological lies and manipulations.
Can you see the difference?
The narcissist may be feeling incredibly regretful about what didn’t work, or what was exposed. But this is purely about the narcissist, no one else.
A prime example is when a narcissist is dumped by someone else. He or she may feel the terrible regret of losing narcissistic supply. However, the object of supply is simply an object. This person was being used as a tool to regulate the narcissist’s emotions, without the exchange having anything to do with the other person’s feelings, rights or identity.
The narcissist may feel such ‘terrible (narcissistic) regret’ that he or she may feign responsibility or remorse, which may even come complete with crocodile tears.
Likewise, the narcissist may regret discarding you, if you don’t crawl back to him or her. But it doesn’t mean they feel sorry for the horrible things they did to you. They regret losing their narcissistic supply, sex, money, free living place and other privileges.
Yet, despite the act of trying to win you back, this person is likely to be scouting for new supply on the side simultaneously. As soon as a new source of supply (object) has been secured, then there is zero regret in the losing of the old source.
Of course, it comes complete with total malicious discard, much like one would eliminate an old pair of boots that one no longer wishes to wear.
Extended Narcissistic Regret
This next bit may really shock you.
I hope it does because it will allow you to stop trying to believe that a narcissist can adopt the genuine regret and remorse that normal people have, or that somehow you are going to be able to help them reach this level of humanity and emotional maturity.
The reality of narcissistic regret, in regard to their behaviours, is more sinister than you may have ever believed.
Not only do narcissists have a stunted ability to have genuine regret for what they have done to other people, they have actual regret regarding NOT being able to be more of a law onto themselves, and inflict even worse, conscienceless acts.
Examples of this are:
• Married or committed narcissists having to fit in with socially acceptable monogamy, and not being able to have sex with just anybody they want.
• Failing to exact revenge on people who they deemed to have betrayed them (not appeased their False Self enough) to the level that they really wanted to.
• Not being able to smear and defame another successfully enough to not be exposed by that person.
• Having to expend so much energy manipulating and charming their way to the goodies that they believe they should just be entitled to.
• Not having achieved more, or constantly having to construct elaborate lies, to make sure other people don’t steal the limelight from them.
I could write about another ten examples, but I hope that you get the point.
The narcissist does not fit into the normal humane construct that those with a soul and conscience do. Narcissism is a rogue system that is positioned on the constant requirement of filling an insatiable black hole within.
The narcissist’s fragile and highly disordered inner identity does not know how to operate in any other way.
The Short Answer to The Original Questions
Let’s go over this again …
Do narcissists know what they are doing?
Yes, they are doing whatever they are doing in order to secure narcissistic supply. There is no regret or remorse for doing that.
However, it’s important to understand that they have very little if any comprehension of how this affects other people. The truth is, to the narcissist, that’s irrelevant. They don’t care. People are only objects anyway.
Do they ever regret their behaviour?
Yes, a narcissist can regret their behaviour, but only ever in the context of it being only about the narcissist and their agenda.
Do they ever atone for what they’ve done?
A narcissist will not genuinely atone for what they’ve done.
They can feign genuine remorse and even apologise (fleetingly) but this is simply to reinstate the personal agenda, which sadly has nothing to do with care, compassion or love for others.
Once the cracks appear in relationships and dealings with others, it is usual that the narcissist will start looking for fresh supply on the side, and once secured, the old supply will be discarded as if it didn’t ever exist. Which, then is followed by the destruction of devaluation and smearing.
Of course, this happens until there comes a time when the new supply can be punished with the old supply, in which case triangulation can take place.
I hope that this episode has helped clear things up for you and made you realise that wanting a narcissist to be regretful, remorseful and atone in ways that have anything to do with you, is as fruitless as trying to play fetch with a crocodile.
The narcissist simply does not have the inner resources, or brain wiring, to comply.
What is vitally important for you is to let go of needing the narcissist to atone for you to heal. By focusing on him or her and not working on healing your woundedness of what went down, you are enslaving yourself to your own trauma prison indefinitely.
I can show you another way, a much better way to start healing and breaking free from this prison and narcissistic person, today.
To access this please click this link.
And, if you would like to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released.
Please also share this episode with those who you know are hung up on wanting the narcissist to be remorseful, which of course is a really common thing, until we work on our Thriver healing.
Also, if this resonated with you, hit the like button.
As always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
True. And mine has an unforgiving memory – i ran into recently and was again reminded how I was so wrong to do x, y and z because now people know about the exes bad behavior. And the ex is denied relationships with step children. And now grandchildren because of ME. Not because if their actual bad behaviors and refusal to admit any truth to those the narc was lying to/cheating on. Even all those things- most people are forgiving enough to understand people make mistakes. People stray in relationships (not always but it DOES happen) but the narcissist will not admit/repent and thus sure- nobody wants to reach out and talk. It’s expected that the transgressor is the one to apologize and reach out to do so.
Instead they prefer to be victim and blame me for broken relationships.
In this case, the Narc has never done so much as hint at regret.
On the other hand, if I say or do _anything_ which calls her motives into question (even indirectly) the reaction can often most-accurately be described as “ballistic.”
On one occasion, her actions plainly revealed to any naïve observer (our two pre-teen children only, in this event) that even her own life was unimportant when set aside her grandiose, false self-image.
She claims to be Christian, however what she actually does could (approximately) be described as virtual idolatry — ‘virtual’ as in the object of her worship has no tangible existence.
In this case, there is no flawless memory. There is, however, a Passive Aggressive approach to everything, which means nobody gets a straight answer to any deep question.
A decade ago, I realised that I didn’t love her, didn’t hate her — nothing. I literally could not care if she herself is living on the verge of starvation in the war-torn areas of the Congo, or is the Emperor of the World, or anywhere in between. My sole concern is the ongoing damage being inflicted upon those I care about who are within her influence.
Except that it reinforces the emotional numbness consequent on the conditioning of over 5500 days of unrelenting emotional abuse from her, complete indifference is the ideal response to a manipulator.
Amen!
Ooòo! My soon to be ex did that. He could not understand why his own children refused contact for 8 years (until I arrived-they thought maybe he had changed when he remarried). So many family relationships that are strained with him….
Thank you so much for helping me understand the narcissist and to have the strength to leave a 25 year marriage to a narcissist. My husband had a near death experience 2 years ago and admitted he manipulated, lied and had no emotional connection to me our whole marriage. He changed after his NDE experience but gradually went back to being a narcissist and is even worse than before. I am so grateful I can see him for who he really is and I am working on healing myself.
Hi Anne,
I’m so pleased that you have got the strength to honour you.
Sending you love, power and healing for your True Self and Life ahead.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
wow this reminds me of my story. Perhaps the NDE made him worse because he never wants to feel weak again and is over compensating more than he ever has; so he doesn’t have another NDE; so much so he has to try harder than how he was when he first got sick.
Mine has never apologize for any of his behavior. We’ve been divorced for 7 years now and he still acts like we are best friends. Like nothing happened between us (his horrific discard and subsequent high conflict divorce). He has my son or I would go no contact. He has my son in his financial grip so he can prvent me from seeing my son. I feel sick being friendly with him because I feel like he uses me. Still. I need to find a therapist who can help me wade through this but so many don’t seem to get it.
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Hi April,
I am so sorry that you’ve gone through this and that your son is affected.
April I would love you come into my upcoming masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass to learn how you can unravel and heal from this, in the ways that myself and so many other people in this community have been able to do – powerfully and quickly.
Sending you and your son healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💛
Excellent help to understand that the narcissist only regrets losing their narcissist supply. I laughed at your comment ‘like playing fetch with a crocodile’….that pretty well sums up my life of 24 years with him. JM
My narcissist ex husband died, eight years after he had left me and the country ,for a new supply.He was the love of my life. From the day he walked out and left my son and I, he tried to control everything that happened to me, my job, my relationships especially with my son, he never stopped threatening me with all sorts of dire consequences including having me killed. My relationship with my son and granddaughter was destroyed. My son was devastated when he died, he worshipped him, I felt relieved but SO much was unresolved, from the day he left there was never any direct contact and I had nightmares for years in which I was screaming at him to try and make him understand what he had done to me. I was diagnosed with PTSD and had some successful therapy to reunite with my son. How can I put this unresolved anger away for good, how do I get this ,man out of my head!
Hi Tina,
I am so sorry that you’ve suffered and felt the ongoing effects of this, which of course are completely understandable after what you’ve been through.
Tina, I really want to know that you have come to the right place, because my recovery work is all about being able to purge every vestige of this person and their abuse out of your being and out of your mind forever. And this is why my recovery work has so successfully freed myself and thousands of others from the horrible effects of narcissistic abuse.
I invite you to come into my upcoming masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass where I explain exactly how this can be done for you.
Please know that true release and the ability to go free is completely possible.
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Its so true and so sad that we would actually be relieved if the narcissist past away…to even think that is terrifyjng but so true….sometimes we never get closure from the person that made our life a living hell, and gave us PTSD but we just got to think its ok! We can get through this. Try to find closure yourself and take in account that even if they were alove we still would never get closure, they would of made u out to be the crazy one.
my narc ex husband died after divorcing me and spending 10 of our nearly 30 years of marriage having an affair with my shit of a friend,.I was glad he died .It felt like the way out of hell.I’d like Melanie to do a blog on what happens when your narc dies .Not what happens to them but where that leaves you.
Hi Michelle,
I agree that this would be a pertinent topic to speak about.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
It strikes me as being very odd for anyone to tolerate this kind of abuse for so many years. I don’t care if you can slap a label on it. It’s abuse plan and simple. It took me until I was 66 years old to realize my slightly older brother has narc tendencies. It took me 20 of those years to start researching his behaviors. It took 4 of those years stop communicating with him. It wouldn’t have taken so long if he weren’t family.
I was mis-treated by 2 former husbands. I won’t tolerate it from a family member.
I wouldn’t let him in if he were pleading on his bloody knees.
I just recently left my narcissist wife, having to leave my three children behind with her. She has those three wrapped around all her fingers and is using them as her flying monkeys to try and get back at me.
I am trying to re-establish a relationship with the children, but because of my now ex-wife’s influence, my daughter thinks that if I take them anywhere to go sit and talk with them and tell them how much I miss and love them, that it will turn into a kidnapping. My daughter does not feel comfortable about going anywhere with me because she will not have the option of leaving when she wants to. I’m trying to find a neutral site to sit and talk with all three of these children comfortably, far away from the influence of their mother, that seems like I can’t because of that influence.
Hi Curt,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I hope that these resources of mine can help https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-to-do-when-youre-alienated-from-your-child/ and https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/
Much love to you and your children
Mel 🙏💕💛
Mel,
I recently stumbled upon a blog written by a narcissist (you may be aware of this individual) but I did find some of his admissions to be helpful. For example he admitted that empathetic people are grade A supply because of our traits of honesty, loyalty, compassion and our tendency to want to help/fix other people and never give up. He talks about how “normal” people (with lower empathy) would more easily recognize that they are being abused and hit the road, yet the empath hangs on longer trying to “save” the narc… of course he admits to loving this ability to keep hoovering empaths back.
Another observation he made was that most narcissists don’t actually know “what” they are. He does, but he says many just act on instinct taking, using, discarding people. He writes articles about the many tactics of the narcissist with cold, hard admissions to the completely self-serving, uncaring nature of their being. It’s interesting because typically a narcissist would not reveal these truths for fear of losing supply, but it is a cold slap in the face to those of us who view the world through an empathetic filter. We assume on some level that our world-view is shared by all others and this is not the case. You’ve spoken about these issues on many occasions. There was just something so “final” about hearing a narcissist actually lay it on the line. He admits he gets supply from the people who engage with him on his blog and that gives him fuel. And that he enjoys that he is undercutting other narcs by providing this information to those of us who may fall victim.
He said, bottom line… Ns spend their days seeking control, power and supply… period. Everyone is an object for their purpose, and the supplies that are secondary are often “put on a shelf” until they come back to feed on us.
The reason I found reading his blog helpful is because it really does hammer it home that they are NOT ever going to suddenly have feelings or as you talk about in this article, regret their behavior…. it’s not happening. This man even knows the cause of his narcissism, the relationships that formed his separation from his real self, and he says he is unwilling to give up the tactics that have served him (his defense) his whole life. So for all the narcissists that don’t even KNOW what they are… there really is NO chance for change!
Again, thank you so much for offering us all a way to heal ourselves from abuse and move forward in a productive way in life. It’s not our job to save them. Even if we want to, it can’t be done by us.
Hi DMJ,
It is very true that they are not suddenly going to wake up and be a person who can be caring and loving and kind. It is helpful to understand that there is absolutely no hope!
You are very welcome DMJ, and what is so important as once we understand that this is exactly the case, is to go about healing ourselves.
It is the only way to generate a life that is aligned with our True Self. This applies whether or not the disappointing person is a narcissist or not.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Please tell me who this blogger is I would love to read and know more.
Q. How does a narc become a narc is it based on the attachment made between 0-3yrs. Can they repair it if they do self repair work?
He is called H G Tudor. I’ve read a lot of his articles. As sick and twisted as he is, the information he gives out is much needed for empaths to come to terms with the fact not everybody has the same heart as us.
It is so depressing realizing I gave so much time and effort and wasted my life with this man..a so called Christian who leads Men’s Bible Studies and plays on a worship team. He receives much praise and is looked upon as a godly individual. He lies to the pastor and therapist about his horrific pornography addiction. It is all about him.
Yes I stayed too long hoping for the best…so mad at myself and heart broken over having to start over in my 50’s…..his reputation is all he cares about on Facebook and at church.
Hi Gail,
my heart goes out to you but please know Dear Lady that there is a way to heal from this, and resurrect your soul, life and your future.
I’d love you to come into my free masterclass to find out more about how this can be done definitively, quickly and powerfully as a result of purging all of the abuse from him out of your system.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass
I hope this can help you
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Gail, i also am in my 50’s. having left a relationship of 30+ years. very heart breaking. I stayed hoping for the best. And starting over is daunting. I get so much support from reading all these messages from people in similar situations. Most stories sound like my own. It makes me feel sane knowing others have gone through the same. My struggle is talking to anyone about why I have left as he is such a nice person. This is my 9th month on my own. And its getting better and only because of Melanies website. doing lots of reading. And feeling like Im not on my own when i read messages like yours and others. I thought i was a strong person. there is only so much a person can take. i wish I had seen the signs years ago.
I so understand what you went through.. We know now that the behaviour was not normal be of people l Melanie, but when going thru it we became ill physically because of the mental cruelty, and the threat of physical violence. These people tell lies about us then have the audacity to tell us we are not liked, so we feel worthless. People love them. Also when you break away they do try to keep hold inone way or another. My Narcissistic husband is dead and when l found out about the behaviour l was so angry. The curtain was ripped from my eyes. And although l had left also after 30yrs of Marriage because l had to as l would have ended my life
. Isaw the treachery and it all fell into place. Now l also have nc with an only adult child as l saw l was fighting a Los battle. All the best.
Gail, your experience is nearly identical to mine (including the pornography) except that mine was even employed by a church. Therefore my ex felt entitled to state to me: “Everyone will believe me over you because I work for a church.”
Hi Mel,
This was a hook that kept me stuck with the ex narc and it caused me a lot of repression to my emotions that I got very sick whilst with him and ended up with hypothyroid issues. The very tactics you outlined were exactly the behaviours that played out with me and there was triangulation with another female narc as well which made it even harder as they saw me as ‘prey’ for supply. My question is what are the common traumas that may have played out in childhood that create these scenarios to manifest and play out especially with ‘wanting remorse’?
Thank you
Silvia
Hi Silvia,
please know sweetheart that there are so many susceptibilities that we can have that have made us hand over power, and struggle to speak up and have boundaries, know our deservedness, and be able to lose it all to get it all. Meaning leave someone who can’t step up and meet us at a healthy level of interpersonal relationship. Many of these patterns and programs can be unique to the individual involved. And are always even more deeply ingrained than just from childhood.
There are also deep genetic patterns and programs as well as collective and gender-baseed human traumas that we’ve taken on and have embedded within our systems.
My NARP program works with finding, releasing and reprogramming all of the traumas that have kept us unknowingly stuck in abusive relationship programs and pattern, hence why it is been so effective for people to not only be released from narcissists but also to finally be able to go forward into fulfilling healthy and truly genuine relationships
Are you already a NARP Member Sylvia http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
If you already are, please come into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to gain support and free coaching with your NARP program to be able to find and release the inner traumas which may be affecting you.
So much love to you Sylvia and I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mel,
My #1 Narc, ex husband, is still trying to get me to play his games even though I have been no contact for at least 13 years now but we meet at family functions for the kids and grandies.
Early in October my eldest grandie got married and he slid up to me to say hello, didn’t want the wife to see, and then near the end to say good-bye using his most caring voice at both times, my curt reply isn’t what he expected even after all this time.
As you say they don’t have a compassionate bone in their bodies they just act all the time and the charm, crocodile tears, feigned caring to others particularly when they’re letting them know “you just don’t understand them” and their all over right to anything and everything used to make my blood boil but since finding your site even before joining NARP I was able to get myself in control on the couple of times he crossed my path… sure set him back… YESSSS!!!
I personally found the fact that I never said anything right nor for that matter did anything right except that he would gush about things when others were around and then verbally slap me down as soon as we were away from people. Having come from a post-war violent childhood he wiped the floor with me all the time BUT… I’ve come out understanding what a low life he really is and he’s not worth the oxygen I would waste on thinking of him let alone get upset about “our” life together. That’s a joke because most of it he spent in someone else’s bed.
I’m the lucky one because he married “the love of his life” version about a thousand and she’s as bad as he is, she thought he had money because he lied to her and he thought he was so lovely but she’s turned out to be the bitch from hell and they can’t afford to get divorced… Touché!
It was good to know that what I had suspected and then learnt was true has happened to so many others and I’m not alone out there in the sea of Bull Nosed Sharks, thank you.
Hi Maureen,
that is so great that you have been able to be in contact and hold your energy intact. Well done you!
Please know that you are not alone!
I’m so pleased that NARP is helping and much love to you Maureen
Mel 🙏💕💛
No, I dont think my ex-wife and her mother who blames me for my wife’s lies and mistakes, ever regret what they have done to me, even though she’s married another man after she turned on me, which is adultery. Since i’m recovered, wish i’d meet you and get a hug from you Melanie. You’re truly, Evan, from Washington state USA
Hi Evan,
please feel a hug, and I hope that my resources are helping.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Narcissists love to set up “triangles” where their partners feel “at odds” with someone else, and jealousy and fighting for love and attention can ensue (ah, the supply!).
This could be with an ex, a mother, or a friend, but the point is to make sure they’re at the center of attention and desire.
This is known as triangulation and it’s meant to make you feel insecure, undesirable, and keep you anxious and “on your toes.”
Please tell me who this blogger is I would love to read and know more.
Q. How does a narc become a narc is it based on the attachment made between 0-3yrs. Can they repair it if they do self repair work?
Thankyou I wondered what triangleation was.
This is so interesting and fascinating to me all this new learning.
I really appreciate how you nailed what regret means to a narcissist. My narcissist ex sent me a note two years after I left (after two decades of marriage), saying, “I regret how I treated you unfairly.” I thought it a strange message, but not a real apology. There was no indication that he had any clue about the pain he had inflicted. He did not ask for forgiveness. He showed no intention to set things right. I’m glad I had moved on to a healthy relationship. Your post explains the mystery message: What he regretted losing was his narc supply, that’s all.
Hi Gayle,
Thank you and I am pleased that this resonates with you.
It is incredible that if the narcissist does “apologise”, it is definitely more about them than it is about what they did to you.
I’m so pleased that you have been able to move on into a healthy relationship.
Much love to you and thank you for your comment
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi
My partner of 18 yrs left me last year.. he had an affair with a much younger work colleague (they are both in a relationship with each other now, and she left her partner/father of her 3 kids to be with my partner )..
He made his whole leaving me about being kidless, as I struggled with achieving pregnancy or holding a pregnancy through the 10 years that we were trying.
He used that as his excuse to leave and blamed me for him making this choice to leave. Hes 45 and the new girl just turned 29…
They both had to leave their Job as no one accepted what they did.
Now he is with her , straight out of an 18yr relationship and straight into one with her…. She left her partner of 10+ years whom she has 3 kids with.
So now my ex basically has an instant family, and they are now also expecting Twins this June 2020. Its a massive slap in the face and im still dealing with being abandoned and discarded by who I thought was my life partner!!!
How do I let go of all of this?????
Hi Gabrielle,
I am so sorry that you’ve been through this, being discarded and replaced is incredibly painful.
Of course this would feel like your heart has been broken.
Gabrielle, please know that there is a way to let go of this horrific trauma from inside of you. I’d love you to sign up to my free 16 day course http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse so that you can start to be able to get some clarity and relief, and be able to start to heal your heart and soul.
I also highly suggest coming into my upcoming free masterclass http://www.melanietonia.com/masterclass to learn even more about this, in a very short and powerful condensed two hour session.
Dear Lady the pain would feel totally unbearable right now, and I know that it seems there is no end in sight to how much it hurts. But I promise you there is a way to heal.
I hope that these resources can help you and please know that I am sending you big love and hugs.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie
Thank you for this video and for the NARP program! It’s amazing! This video really hit home for me. I remember being fooled when my ex Narc would apologize. I would think he cared about my feelings, but two hours later we would argue and it seemed he didn’t care about my feelings at all. This video helped me see how I allowed him and other ex boyfriends to treat me like objects. I did not see that before your NARP Program. I was numb to the pain of being treated like an object before. It’s weird, I’m both saddened and grateful I needed to get abused by a narcissist to wake up. I probably wouldn’t have been able to break up with him and go no contact without your program. I broke up with him in March and he is still hovering (via email and sending gifts in the mail, cause I blocked him on all other things, which of course really hit my guilt trigger). It was so hard but it’s getting easier. I beleive your work is valuable to everyone! It could heal the world! Thank you, truly!
Love
Joanna
Hi Joanna,
you are very welcome!
I’m so happy for you that NARP has made such a difference and that you have been able to leave him and honour you.
It’s perfect that you are still going Within to clear out what is triggered and that it is getting easier for you.
Well done sweetheart
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thanks Mel!! Sending love to you 💕
Battling extreme false accusations thru court hearing and custody hearing next week.
So hoping I win in court next week to allow the restorative justice mediation proposed for our parenting plan, instead of actions based in assertions that i am danger. I was falsely accused because I was disobedient in accepting a blame-shifting narrative about false accusations, so she vindictively accused again. Its always that familiar subject change to a pile of unrelated accusations and devaluations.
I now want this mediation, not for atonement or to force accountability for her crimes, she can never admit or regret, I want it just as a deterrent, a mediator who knows the situation, a sane observer representing the court, who is not easily manipulated by lies. This is my best chance at co-paranting and minimizing life-draining conflicts.
It was very sad to realize there was nothing that could be done but save myself, and be a safe haven for my 4 month old. Boundary is the only way. I worried so much about being accepted but seeing how far a person will go with false accusations helps one see that we have an obligation to make moral judgement, to not allow crimes against us. We have an obligation to ourselves to hold them accountable for no other purpose than to free ourselves from destructive relations, if authentic remorse is absent. Realizing this makes the whole battle not so stressful. Win or loose, i know I will be ok because I see that the worry about what other people think, self acceptance, got me in this jam in the first place. Saw she had a new car at the court house, but still, even though the baby seat is on the opposite side, the rear-view mirror is still always fixed so she can see her own reflection when she looks at it. Lets live free of looking at ourselves from the outside.
Hi Doug,
it’s so true that boundaries are the only way, and that is great that you are implementing them.
Doug I don’t know if you already have checked out my resources on parallel parenting, which may be able to also help.
You’re doing a great job and sending you strength and breakthrough for you and your child(ren).
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thanks Melanie for the good work you are doing to salvage people’s lives from the grips of the Narc Through your teaching l have started healing and healthy mental status which was difficult for me. After staying in the abusive marriage for 30+ year very painful and hurting l didn’t know what I was dealing with until l stumbled on your YouTube.
Now my reasoning capacity is coming back to normal. I was a very impatient person.
I was building a house with the narcissist ofcourse all the resources on house is mine equivalent to 120, 000 dollars. I have documents to prove that I funded this construction. How can l get my money back. Through this construction is when l confirmed my ex husband is a narcissist.
Thank you for assistance.
Mag
Hi Mag,
It’s my pleasure and am so pleased that I been able to help.
Please check out my resources in regard to narcissists and court and settlements, by googling my name and these words.
I hope these resources can help you.
Much love to you Mag
Mel 🙏💕💛
This video came just in time, also the last video regarding loved ones still under the Narc Umbrella-
U can easily believe that these demonic people ‘Didn’t really mean to do it’ and start to soften
Another dose of reality desperately needed
Thankyou Again Melanie!
Hi Rachael,
I’m so pleased that this was timely for you!
You are very welcome and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
Do narcissists ever regret their behavior?
No.
Not long enough or for the right reasons. Not in any way that is appreciable to this current human scene.
But even asking that question for long may put us on the wrong path of exploring it expecting self validation, approval or affirmation from some source outside our own perceptions.
Wrong town. As you say.;)
Even if the entire world, men, women and children and every single created thing approved, cared and appreciated us. If WE DO NOT LOVE OURSELVES it makes no difference to our happiness. And vice versa.
So, ultimately , who gives a flip whether they regret anyone or not? I LOVE my experience for it having taught me to LOVE MYSELF and I do not wish him to love in regret sorrow or remorse at all since really he did me the maximum good. I wish him all the very best this life can offer him.
Love won. And I thank him for the lesson.
Hi Iris,
it’s so true that this Wrong Town forces us to turn toward Right Town.
Finally self partnering and establishing self-love.
I adore that you love your experience, as myself and so many of us Thrivers do – the finally coming home!
Much love to you as always Iris!
Thank you darling
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
Thankyou for giving your time to others so that we can all be set free.
Four years ago my ex tried to kill me a few hours after I split up with him. I have been in abusive relationships before so it really made me wake up to the fact that something in me is appealing to really cruel people. I do have ptsd from it and the chemical brain change actually has helped me see my life for what it is. I worked out that my Mum has narcissistic personality disorder and I have been a slave to her. I have always tried to get away from her and I needed to have someone strong enough to handle her and in doing so I managed to get involved with another narc. For two years I have been telling her that she is a narc in the nicest way possible so she would get help. I found out last month that she has been playing me and has no intentions to change. We recently worked out that her husband is extremely ocd and she will not tell him. She has no insight on how much I have suffered as he has been very cruel to me and she still blames it all on me even though no one in his family will have anything to do with him. She is happy for all the abuse to continue towards me although they are not abusing me as much. I’m currently trying the Grey rock solution on her. I hate our relationship I have always wanted her to die so I could just live my life. I have tried to abandon the family so many times through my life but can’t however my sister did twenty years ago and when I told her about mum she already knew all about narcassists and had Mum pinned but never told me. It has also become clear that my brother and sister are also narcs. My dad is an alcoholic and mum always said Im the same as my father. So I have been strangely protected by drinking all through life because I thought my body needed it to survive physically. She has always thought I would die before I was an adult and I felt like she was disappointed I survived the attempted murder. Unfortunately everyone is still walking all over me including the legal system. I’m living a nightmare and I’m desperate for new skills on how to manage my family so at 46 years of age I could be free. My Mum was sexually abused by her brother and it was an abusive childhood and apparently she was encouraged to physically abuse her siblings and I think thats why she is like this. I do feel enormous compassion for her but seriously I want to just live my own life. Thankyou once again.
Hi Kathy,
If my pleasure.
I am so sorry that you’ve been through that, and of course all of this would have been terribly traumatic for you.
Kathy, have you checked out my 16 day free recovery course? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse Because there is information in there that I believe could help bring you clarity, direction and relief.
I can completely understand how you want to live your own life and that totally is your divine right to do so.
I hope that this can help
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Mt ex wife and mother of my child is a narcissist. My child and I have been suffering narcissistic abuse for many years. As well as no empathy, sympathy or the ability to say sorry the narcissist projects what they are doing on to you. For example they accuse you of cheating because they are cheating on you. Or they accuse you of being controlling because they are controlling you. They accuse you of lying because they lie so much they think everyone else is lying. They are deeply paranoid and very angry people. They successfully mirror what they do on to you and can vilify you to others based not on what you are like but what they are like. They portray you to others as they are themselves. It’s a fascinating illness once you wake up and see it. Took me many years to figure it out culminating yesterday when my 12yo daughter said the way her mother is treating her is making her want to kill herself. Serious stuff and very little I can do. Last year I took the matter to court as the narcissist mother was emotionally abusing my daughter especially when drunk, which is almost every day. The mother was such a good liar in court that the child protective services believed her lies and stories over what my daughter and I were saying. She could have one an Oscar. My daughter said she was super nice to me in front of the protective services.
Hi Melanie,
P.S.
It would be fun if you did a segment on :
“How to Pity a Narcissist”
I’d love that. It’s really time to start unmasking their facade and pitying what’s underneath.
It’s sort of amusing to see how childish they really are under all the fake false feigning and fabrications.
We need to laugh at their antics. All the memories actually make me smile sometimes -if not outright laugh !
We really do benefit immensely from these people in the end. I’m delighted to know about them and set myself up for extra loving Grace around them ❤️😇
Gosh yes Iris,
One day I may!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Q. I have been told I understand in my head what he did because I can list everything he did. However I been told because my emotions have been shut down/ disconnected from my head that I’m not accepting what he did was unacceptable so therefore I am not able to process it and accept it by feeling the emotions to then be able to release the trauma so I’m stuck and unable to heal/recover move forward. Thinking I need hypnosis? I am suffering from server disassociassion which is affecting my ability to function on a daily basis and to parent my children. What can I do?
Hi Annemarie,
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar so that I can explain to you in detail how it would be possible for you to heal, And also take you through a process of an actual healing.
I hope this can help you
Sending you healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💛
For: Annemarie Cunningham, on January 15 above. Perhaps this suggestion will be of help: I have tried and have advanced the healing of “…disassociation…” in myself over time by the repetition of deliberately experiencing it and identifying is as a trauma state in itself (which is true), not regarding it as a block to healing. Proceeding to find the location for it in the body, etc… That is, apply Melanie’s Quantum Healing on it in yourself. In addition to the release of psychic injury, breathe, enjoy and celebrate each time you’re aware of the new/increased returning to your body.
Hi Mel,
Isn’t it amazing how it doesn’t matter where you fit in society there’s Narcs ready to take you down as Prince Harry will come to realise very soon, if he doesn’t already.
I’m sure most of us here could see as soon as the pregnancy was announced that things were skewed especially as Harry was saying they didn’t know when they would have children and next second it was on its way.
I just feel so sad for him being blindsided the way he has been and having to choose his original family or his new family and all the rest of the “stuff” that’s going on and will continue to for years to come.
This is why the Royal Family doesn’t encourage marriage to “mere commoners” as opposed to Commoners who are at the top of the social status and rub shoulders with Royalty, like Diana and Kate did before they met and married. Wallace Simpson saga all over again.
So those of us that got entangled with a Narc can at least rest assured that the whole world didn’t know our dramas so we can take solace in that.
Bye for now~~~~~~~
Again thank you, Melanie, for the continuing presence and revolutionary guidance and support you provide for so many. I feel I should apologize to all concerned for the possible effects of the intellectual as well as somewhat disturbed character of my blog contributions, which may at least be off-putting to most others whose contributions are more directly and transparently expressive of felt experience. Many of others’ “replies” have been emotionally supportive and even nourishing to me in their content as well as simple sharing. As I progress in my healing I may (already) be expressing in less refracted ways that I can’t readily predict. I want to share the key impact this video is having on me, which is the recognition or “epiphany” that a good deal of my reaction against NAs (which has kept me chained to them) has been a primitive-like, instinctual-like, perhaps simply early trauma-based penchant for “justice”. Melanie has spoken about this, too. For me, an expectation and one-sided accounting for justice (or sense of pay-back). I can see that this expectation has long ago come about by way of a delicately inverted rage, which is then turned into a passive aggression that usually feels righteous. I have maintained it as a kind of combination: criteria, boundary and defense, and as an internal reference for making judgements and choices about many things and people. Luckily I have also since long ago been training myself to observe impartially, which has gradually neutralized this bias in my judgements. The “accounting for abuse”, however, has been a heart and viscerally-centered internal and sometimes externalized maneuver to hold the abuser accountable and in debt (since they never regret or compensate, as this video honestly confirms). The realization in progress is that this well-laid psychic structure of “accounting for abuse”, although understandable and natural enough in retrospect, is also a pledge to not let go of the NA, which is clearly a dis-empowering move. This is what it has been, also blocking a wider perspective and a deeper insight into the NA, myself and world. It blocks a “bigger picture”, wider resources, and the more positive bands of innate thriving. Finally, it is the mindset held in order to compensate for the limitations issuing from a frozen-ness of internal energy. As I have experienced in looking closely at held trauma, this energy is quite physical, sandwiching in specific fear-based, ancient relationship-emotion patterns. I can also count on this frozen energy to be holding overlying elements of self-speak around helplessness and self-disappointment. Practically, it has held in, rather than allowed to naturally (and quantum-ly) release the body fight-or-flight response energy. This “accounting for abuse” emotion center, easily located physically and felt, has also been the repository for much of the psychic languishing in pathos that comprised a kind of substitute “self-partnering” that justified and used, instead of really healing the wounds. And, of course, this self-kidding has been made possible by long-standing self-dissociations due to “complex trauma”. It feels good to give credit where it’s due, compassionately rather that judgmentally.
michman,
I understand what you’re saying. It sounds like you haven’t done NARP yet. Like you’re in “analysis paralysis”. A very tempting place to park. But that state of mind never enters the Promised Land of abundant power and freedom and love.
NARP takes you out of your head and into your heart. It heals there. It heals the Soul.
You have been there long enough. Keep walking. Your deliverance from yourself is just ahead. Follow Melanie.
Iris (Jan. 16): Thank you for the understanding. This is what I apologized for at the top. I do know that only sharing that seeks or comes from heart-movement, opening, liberation is relevant here. But undoing trauma is also discomfiting, so a quick “analysis” might easily want to steer people (who use NARP) away from their individual path or process. Every contributor welcomes the chance to express, share, support, and in effect exchange. Because of this, I also appreciate and sincerely thank you for the point of view and the specific points of support behind every word in your message.
They only regret their behavior from a selfish point of view.
My Narcissist Ex lives on my property and pays “rent”. I turn around and cover the cable bill and any bills related to the house with the $$ he gives me. It doesn’t cover everything related to the property and I am generally out of pocket a considerable amount of cash.
He doesn’t work and lives off a small monthly stipend which recently got reduced! I have made it clear (yep I set a boundary!) that there is no way I can cover the massive cable bill, extra house phone (why does one person who doesn’t do anything need multiple phones?) plus all the basic utilities and general upkeep.
He is currently in mourning over needing to cut the cable and go with an antennae plus just use his cell phone. He may even have to cut back his drinking and smoking. At this point – Regrets – he has a few.
The narc dumped me years ago and over time I have realised that I meant nothing to him, just supply until a better option came along. One of the videos he liked on you tube was on how to get a woman obsessed with you. I watched it and my blood ran cold as it mirrored how he treated me. Actually the strategies that were promoted were very cruel and viewers were warned of the consequences of using this on someone. I truly hope he burns in hell.
Hello Everyone
Long story short … I had a terrible child hood and married into a loving family.
After 20 years of marriage and being a father and loyal caring husband.
I found out my wife had been cheating on me …wiped out my savings and took money from my kids.
I tried so hard to change and change her but lost my confidence and a 28 year job I loved.
3 years on rebuilt my life and now work in a prison doing my best to help others.
My ex still tries to control me and has said so many lies…. my children and I are great.
My point is I met a wonderful angel and after 2 years due to allowing my ex to come between us it has recently ended and I feel ashamed and stupid as I know I did not help by living so much in past.
Great at helping others yet poor looking after me.
I want to be free of all past and live this special life we have all been given.
Do anything to be at peace.
David
United Kingdom
From my experience, narcissists only regret what affects them.
If their behaviour caused you to leave them, then they may regret this. But only because of what they’ve lost from you – money attention, house work etc. There’s no regret for how they made you feel.
They may also regret it if their behaviour caused them to lose face. If people found out how bad they acted. Narcissists like to be seen as perfect, and HATE being exposed for what they truly are.
There is a lot of useful information in this article that I would like to share with my management team.
Lois , I truly believe that my husband is this type of person he never says sorry or admits when he his wrong , he gets mad if I say that someone does a good job , he fixes on car but if I go somewhere else to get my car looked at with more experience then him he gets mad , he has cheated in the past and got caught but still says it didnt happen and that I made it up so I really believe that he has this problem.
On my despair journey, I have encountered many different human beings with depression, as nicely as humans except a intellectual illness. Now the cause why I sharing this with you, is that I am amazed at simply how few humans truly understand what a psychiatrist truly does.
For example, countless humans I have spoken to suppose that all that a psychiatrist does is write prescriptions for medication, it is it!
The easy reality is that Psykiater do so a good deal extra than simply dish out remedy prescriptions…
On my despair journey, I have encountered many different human beings with depression, as nicely as humans except a intellectual illness. Now the cause why I sharing this with you, is that I am amazed at simply how few humans truly understand what a psychiatrist truly does.
For example, countless humans I have spoken to suppose that all that a psychiatrist does is write prescriptions for medication, it is it!
The easy reality is that Psykiater do so a good deal extra than simply dish out remedy prescriptions…
Psychiatrists are scientific medical doctors whose speciality is in intellectual fitness (depression is simply one location of intellectual fitness that they specialise in).
Great stuff here. The information and the detail were just perfect.
Hi Fixeron,
I’m very pleased that this resonated with you.
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Narcissists aren’t sociopaths. Well, some of them may be. But just a straight-up run-of-the-mill narcissist is not a sociopath. So yes they can feel regret if it pertains to something that involves their own ego. They oftentimes care very much about people or situations that in some way are an extension of themselves or their ego. examples would be their family, their career, or their perception of how others view them. Unlike sociopaths, narcissists can care very deeply for other people. Try visualizing the perception of the narcissist in this analogy, they are the sun of a solar system, and the planets that revolve around them, ( persons, workplaces, other social interactions they may be involved with) are extremely important. Without them there would be no foundation to build the legion they consider themselves to be…
Very good read. True, it resonates with me and my experience of 16 years of relationship enduring different forms of abuse, overt and covert and cheating. Thank you for the insight.
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