Flying monkeys are horrible. I know that many of you have experienced them, or may experience them as part of your narcissistic abuse experience in the future, and this is why I passionately wanted to bring to you this article – 6 ways to defend yourself against flying monkeys.
This piece is an essential part of narcissistic abuse recovery! If you haven’t yet heard this expression, “flying monkeys” are the narcissist’s minions. The people who do the narcissist’s bidding.
As if it isn’t bad enough to be torn apart by the narcissist’s malicious, heartbreaking and cruel behaviour, it adds insult to injury to be attacked by other people who the narcissist is using to additionally hurt you.
Over the last ten plus years, I have heard your heartbreaking stories many times – how your best friends get sucked into the narcissist’s camp. How your social groups or workplaces, or entire communities have turned on you, attacking you on social media or even face to face – and oh my goodness in some cases even your family members have sided with the narcissist in legal cases against you!
I promise you that I went through this too – horrifically. Friends, including my best friend, family members, work colleagues, authorities and even my own family accountant were turned against me.
People I thought I could trust and believe fell 100% for the narcissist’s narrative, and my life was turned into a living hell. Not only was I traumatised beyond despair by him, I also lost all faith in knowing whom I could or couldn’t trust.
People I went to for help, turned on me.
People I wanted to believe in were attempting to gather evidence on me. Students were leaving my courses. Authorities were grilling me.
I was painted as someone who had played up on him, taken his money and destroyed his life – as well as having affairs with my male students. This is usual. This is what narcissists do – they say that you did what they did to you. They smear you and defame you in such passionate and emotionally charged ways, and play the absolute victim so convincingly, that people fall for it.
As is the case with all people set upon by flying monkeys – the injustice is Soul-destroying. You KNOW you didn’t do these things. You KNOW you are not the bad guy – and you firmly know WHO is … but the flying monkeys are rabid, foaming at the mouth and REFUSE to see the truth.
They are hell bent on their own righteousness. Understandably, I became a shattered paranoid wreck … not knowing where to turn.
But the great news is I got out of the trauma. Not only did I survive the insidious, creepy, gut wrenching and immobilising attacks from flying monkeys, I was able to reinstate my power, reputation and ability to be in the world freely as myself, COMPLETELY trauma free of all of this, and with ABSOLUTELY no fear of it ever happening to me in the future.
It is my greatest wish that I can help you do the same.
Okay, let’s get started by diving into the 6 ways to defend yourself against flying monkeys.
Number 1 – Detachment
The first step regarding succeeding against a narcissist is to detach.
Now let me explain why the starting point is detachment, and why it is so essential …
The battle you are in with the narcissist and their flying monkeys is a psychological war. What is the narcissist trying to achieve? He or she is trying to mentally and emotionally cripple you, so that you are no longer an adversary. So that you don’t have the ability to get on with your life, survive then Thrive and prosper, completely invalidating the narcissist’s devaluing and discarding of you.
Be very clear – regardless of who walked away, he or she has to devalue and discard you in order to save face – so as to convince their egoic False Self that you are rubbish, worthless and no good to have in their life. Such a narrative allows the narcissist to not have to look at any accountability regarding themselves.
You are the scapegoat. You are to blame. It was all your fault. You need to be punished.
What does the narcissist REALLY want? For you to be severely affected by their attacks. For you to try to fight back and only dig yourself in deeper. For you to be paralysed and crippled by the psychological assaults that the narcissist is launching at you personally and via other people.
When you are hooked up in the assaults from the flying monkeys, you can’t get on with your life, you are caught up in a vile, sticky web that derails you, disarms you and allows the narcissist to punish you mercilessly.
The first step regarding succeeding against a narcissist and the flying monkeys is to detach. Of course you want to right the wrongs by fighting back and defending yourself. Of course you will feel incensed, humiliated, devastated and attacked … But in this ridiculously intense psychological war – literally a battle for your Soul – detachment is your most powerful asset.
Detachment, isn’t the full answer in itself, but it is the necessary set up for the steps that come after this.
It means … don’t bite. Don’t fight back.
Be open to look at this in a DIFFERENT way than you would normally … stay with me and I will show you how.
It’s important and in my humble opinion this is the only way to get out of this.
Now … Let’s move on …
Number 2 – Looking Deeply At Your Disbelief
I know the disbelief is crippling. HOW do these people believe this rubbish? WHY are they wanting to attack me?
These are powerful emotions.
Detachment is not just physical, detachment most of all is emotional.
Let’s switch to a much bigger wider view of what is really going on here. It will help you …
Narcissists are cunning and brilliant actors. They have the ability to look someone directly in the eye and come out with things that most people would think, “Why would a grown adult tell me something so shocking about someone unless it was the truth?”
Additionally, narcissists know how to pepper their fiction with just the right amount of “care”, “decency” and “integrity” so that people believe them.
It’s stuff like, “Melanie was having constant affairs behind my back. I tried to help her heal her sex addiction, and our marriage. I really did (eyes watering on the verge of tears). At times she wanted help, but them she’d lie and do it again. It broke my heart, but eventually I couldn’t take it anymore.”
Narcissists go into minute details to back their stories … EXPLICIT and SPECIFIC details. It’s a full performance complete with a compelling award-winning script.
This is BELIEVABLE, shocking and makes people think that YOU are the person who was deceiving THEM, as well as this person, all along.
All whilst the narcissist makes out that THEY are the great, caring, long-suffering, angelic person who cares about everyone, humanity and the world in general.
Now I want you to be really honest with yourself … who did the narcissist give you their sob story about during your relationship with them?
Who did you think was a disgusting person who had done SHOCKING things to the narcissist?
Did you “stick up” for the narcissist against any of these people? Absolutely I did. An ex-girlfriend who was terrorised by him, tried to warn me about him. Yes, she was “manic” … but now I totally understand why. I set upon her with an intervention order. As it turned out, she was being absolutely truthful.
I stood up to his family for his benefit. Acting upon his information on them.
The list goes on. Does this help take some of the sting out of this for you?
The flying monkeys have been “had”. Just as you were.
Number 3 – The Higher Perspective Of Resentment And Injustice
Other strong emotional hooks that make it really hard to detach are the resentment and injustice of this.
You may be receiving messages, emails, horrible glaring looks, even terrible words as you run into people in the streets.
Maybe it has even escalated further than this. It could be harassment. Threats even.
I want you to know with all of my heart, narcissistic abuse is an energetic phenomenon. The greatest battle to win is ENERGETIC … it’s about what is going on for you, INSIDE of you. This also applies to everything and everyone around the narcissist which is hurting you.
The negative dark energy of narcissism needs “food” – your fear and pain – to be powered up and continue. Such as sharks getting in a frenzy over blood. When the waters go still and there is no longer any bleeding, the sharks swim off to create carnage elsewhere.
I promise you it is the same regarding flying monkeys.
Let’s now take the red-hot feelings out of what you are feeling regarding the resentment and the injustice.
People who are flying monkeys, are often “good” Souls with lots of their own unhealed wounds. This is why narcissists enlist them. The narcissist can butter them up, compliment them for their good deeds and care for others, or hook them as closer supply trying to get the narcissist’s approval, and then get them to do their bidding.
Good people with unresolved inner stuff make the perfect foot soldiers for any person or movement wanting righteous people with deep unresolved hurts (anger) to unleash on good people and causes that pose a threat to the narcissistic person or group.
These people THINK they are doing the right thing. They think their cause is RIGHTEOUS.
It’s the narcissist’s / sociopath’s Play Book – personally and collectively.
Now, lets just take a deep breath and realise something pretty profound together. I’ll lead the way … When I was believing the narcissist’s lies and pitting myself against people that he had defamed to me, I was desperately trying to win his approval. I wanted his love. I was not whole and healed within myself. I was stuck in my own righteous indignation regarding how people treated others, thinking that this made me “compassionate” and “goodly”.
Rather it was a way of projecting the hurt and anger that I had never dealt with inside myself.
This is the plight of all the flying monkeys now attacking you.
And just like YOU, when THEY have outworn the narcissist’s usefulness, or start to challenge the narcissist in any way – they too will be thrown under the bus. The flying monkeys have their own Soul lessons to learn – just as we, in narcissistic abuse recovery, deeply have our own. Nothing is out of place here.
I can’t tell you how many times the flying monkeys, and their prey have got together with love, understanding and healing – organically – once you heal your own Inner Being. (I will get to that later in this article.)
You really are all in this together.
I made up with many of my flying monkeys … and yes they became the victims to new flying monkeys. The cycle continued.
Number 4 – Releasing Traumas Of Persecution
The terror of persecution is big when you are being pursued by a lynch mob of “flying monkeys”, and authorities knocking on your door with accusations of terrible things that you never did.
This brings to the surface so many inner persecution programs, that are deep survival fears of, “If people think badly of me, I could be punished severely.”
It’s a feeling of powerlessness and even panic that everything that is dear to you is under threat. It could literally be so white hot that you feel like you are going to die.
That is how bad it was for me, and I know from working with so many of you, that it is for many of you too.
When triggered into the horrible emotions of persecution terrors you may try to fight back, or be so crippled in anxiety that you can barely function. Neither response will work for you.
I discovered a powerful truth whilst under fire from the flying monkeys. I had always been terrified about what people could do to me.
At this stage of being battered by flying monkeys, I had started my Thriver Recovery journey. I was working hard at healing myself from the inside out, knowing that I was fighting for my Soul.
My mission was to become solid and whole in my own body, regardless of what the narcissist or the flying monkeys were trying to do.
I had pulled back – I wasn’t fighting back. I wasn’t justifying or explaining. I blocked and deleted all the people attacking me, and worked on healing my inner traumas of persecution, and came to a solid understanding that I was safe in my body connected to Source (my Higher Power) no matter what others tried to do to me.
The panic and terrible trauma of, “I have to change these people’s minds about me otherwise I can’t be safe” was gone. Finally, I breathed a sigh of relief.
My paranoia had dropped. I wasn’t hearing noises in the middle of the night anymore. I wasn’t dreading text messages or emails or phone calls.
Not long after this, I saw one of the flying monkeys in a shopping centre. Usually, I would hide around a corner until they went away. This time I just walked past with my head high. She said something nasty, but I didn’t get the usual while hot feeling of panic. I walked on, and so did she.
That was all that happened.
Something had shifted. I knew it was because I had shifted.
What a graduation I experienced that day!
Number 5 – Releasing What People Think Of You
A massive realisation that the flying monkeys brought up for me was that I had been attached to what people think of me.
In fact, I used to be horrified if people thought badly of me.
This was one of the ways that the narcissist had kept me trauma-bonded to him, accusing me of things that absolutely I never would have considered doing, let alone have the ability to be able to carry out.
It incensed me. It was a really big hook. Rather than be able to pull away with the inner solid knowing of “I know who I am, and your opinion of me doesn’t affect that at all” I was firmly stuck in the horrific feelings that I needed to change his mind about me so that he could love me and approve of me.
I was able to realise later, the real truth WAS, I wasn’t yet loving and approving of myself.
Regarding the flying monkeys, this attachment to what other people thought about me amplified to an obscene level. It shook the very foundations of not just my world but also my Inner Identity.
Again I turned inwards to heal this within myself. Those parts of me that felt not good enough, or unacceptable or worthy of love. When I healed these up between me and myself with Quanta Freedom Healing (in NARP), I came home to a warmth and solidness within that I had never previously known.
Now I felt love and approval for myself, regardless of what anybody else did or didn’t think of me.
This was when the greatest shift of all happened with the flying monkeys.
Certain people who were smearing me and ganging up against me, came forward. They told me that the narcissist had showed his true colours. They apologised for thinking shocking things about me, and realised that he had been lying.
This sudden reversal had nothing to do with me presenting evidence, or trying to get them to change their mind. This was the unmistakable miracle of Quantum Law – so within, so without. When I had solidified the true version of me between myself and Source and my own Inner Being, that’s when outside of me shifted to match who I was Being on the inside.
In the past no amount of my doing, trying to create change from the outside in – trying to convince other people about the truth of me, so that I could feel at peace the truth of me – had worked.
This was, one of the most spectacular confirmation realisations I had about the Quantum Inner Work and how powerful it is.
Another powerful shift that arose from this was that the people who didn’t come forward to apologise, started to melt away anyway. The attacks stopped.
Even the police came to me and said they had caught him out and now knew the truth. One officer said to me that never before had he fallen for such convincing lies.
Everything started falling into place for me.
Yet the most powerful reintegration had been within me. For the first time ever I knew, “It’s not important what other people think of me, it’s important what I think of me.”
Number 6 – There Is Nothing To Defend
Okay, so here we are at the end of this article all about the six ways to defend yourself against the narcissist’s flying monkeys, and then I drop on you that the best way to defend yourself, is to know that there is nothing to defend!
It’s true. The more that you feed into the energy of the narcissist’s attempts to abuse you, and set flying monkeys upon you, the more you get enmeshed in it, and the more you feed it.
Mind you ignoring it and hiding out in your house, hoping it will blow over doesn’t work either.
This is no way to live.
Everything that I’ve written above is to help you understand how to win the psychological battle in a way that works. How to take your Life Force and power and sanity back in a way that will not only stop you granting any fuel to the fire, but also liberate you in so many areas of your life where other people have had the power to affect you.
Part of knowing that there is nothing to defend, means firstly shifting out the horrible feelings that you’re feeling inside of yourself. Then you can go free regardless of who other people are being.
Then if people don’t stop, absolutely stand up and take out an intervention order from a place of personal emotional power. You may even have to stand up to a court case against ridiculous allegations.
But, my highest suggestion to you is to always let go of the traumas that you are feeling so that you can show up calmly and clearly, with your head held high so that you are able to factually deliver. I promise this is the most incredibly powerful way to be able to disarm a narcissist and the flying monkeys when needed to.
This will not work from a place of resentment, hatred and retaliation. Rather, it’s done from a place of strength, authenticity and your right to live as a free person, in your own body, enjoying your life.
This is a place of Powerful Light. That’s what extinguishes the darkness.
In Conclusion
I hope that this article today has given you some clarity and sanity regarding how to deal with flying monkeys.
If you are feeling the intense and terrible feelings that the flying monkey experiences bring, I would love to show you even more deeply how you can get to the place that I have with all of this.
Please join my free 16-Day Recovery Course to help you emotionally detach, heal and take your power back. I want nothing more than that for all of us!
As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below
I was amazingly blessed by the lack of flying monkeys. My family and HIS family didn’t believe him! And he wrote letters to all our mutual friends about how horrible I was, and I was having affairs and I had run away… not one of them believed him. His lawyer was horrible and offensive, but after the divorce was done that was over. Even my children mostly saw his lies. So this is a reminder, I was pretty lucky in all this. I still have a ways to go, but I have a wonderful support system.
What if the monkeys are my own young ( 9, 10 and 12) children who are controlled by him. Do you have any advice on this ?
Ouantim healing is the gift that Melanie has givin to all us Thrivers. It saved me from total defeat in a horrific relationship. Just dig in and keep doing healings and build yourself up.
This is the best time ever to really dig into quantum healing. Hopefully you are a Narp member and can really focus on keeping yourself on a positive track. . From first hand experience. I know that Melanie`s experiece and life`s work saved me from total ruin.
You have to powert to rise above any narc abuse!!! Mel has given us all we need. It is up to us to take her gift into our hearts and go with it 100%.
Penelope…we all know you can do it girl!!!
Warren, agree 100%. If you plug in and do the modules and heal, you will come through this. It’s a life saver. So grateful for Mel and Narp
Hi Penelope,
yes I do .. if you google my name plus parental alienation I hope that this can help you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
It’s called “parental alienation”…& aka it’s “child psychological abuse” explained well by, Craig Childress. Good luck.
My heart breaks for you, as you’re children are very young they are so easily manipulated butI am sure they will eventually see him for who he really is.
My 3 adult children did and they are my world, they are my greatest support, although they believed his lies initially.
Stay strong❤️
My narcissist is my mother and my flying monkey is my 28 year old daughter that has been brainwashed against me and my husband since she could crawl. My mothers flying monkey golden child son (my brother) is another. Makes it a bit more difficult when it’s your own family. Especially your mother and child. So painful.
Hello Mel! I am experiencing some flying monkeys at my work place. Unfortunately I met the narcissist at work and had an on again off again 5 year relationship. I broke things off with him over the winter and now I’m looking for a new job. I just started using NARP a couple of months ago and it has been a life saver for me in so many ways!!! And yes, it IS helping me with the flying monkeys as well. Thank you Mel from the bottom of my heart for everything you do!!!
That’s so great Nicole that you are working through all of this.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie I must take your course again. I was doing Wonderful and had a flying monkey recently attack me for not talking to my daughter. It hit me and blind sided me. I did not fight back but it brought back some things I was not trying to address within me and now I know I must. Thank God for you! Does it ever stop? Lol.
Hi Sally,
yes it does, when you heal!
NARP will help so much!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Unfortunately the flying monkeys are our children (whom I had full custody of since they were 14, 12, 9). Now, they are 22, 24, 26 and we don’t speak. I have detached & gone no contact & blocked them on my phone. My prayer is that they seek professional help so they can be whole. I could only do that when I forgave myself for ignoring the red flags & marrying their father. I will always love them, BUT I refuse to allow them to pick up where their father left off. I spent too many years & energy (as you stated) trying to convince them he was lying. I use that energy to heal & enjoy my life.
I feel like narcissists can wreak intense havoc inside families, which is a tough one— your own turning on you. I really feel for you.
My flying monkey is my 28 year old daughter and she continues the abuse where my mother left off so that I stay traumatized. She’s currently moving in with us with her dog for a few months to save money for a trip across country. I’d painfully blocked my mother – she’d constantly beg and cry to be let back into my life and her flying monkeys would try to convince me to do the right thing. I’d never considered the option of blocking my child – but now realize it is something I may have to do if this craziness continues. No matter what I do for her it’s not enough. I’m tired of always feeling like the bad guy and being the scapegoat. I will attempt to survive her stay here emotionally and then majorly distance myself once she moves out. So difficult!
The flying monkey was the narcissist’s mother— my wife. It’s wreaked havoc in my life. It resulted in her becoming so distraught that she indulged in addictive behavior that resulted in her falling and sustaining a brain injury. I feel like I pay every day. I read your posts because they give me a bit oh hope.
The narc went to police alleging I touched her breasts. Judiciary believe her as I have coloured skin and previous assault conviction. No evidence, witnesses nor jury necessary in this jurisdiction. I have been forced to study law to defend myself against this unsubstantiated allegation. I think Pell v. R. in the High Court of Australia vindicates me as no witnesses. Flying monkeys in this case are police and judiciary.
Very interesting and relevant Mel. Am in the midst of everything you warn about and now can go back to sleep in peace. (After a contact visit with subtle but violent (to me) boundary pushing).
I’m so pleased this has helped ENPB
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Luckily my most recent narc refused to introduce me to ANYONE he knew…. likely because he had a primary supply that I didn’t know about. But he also tried to find my friends on social media after I dumped him (he admitted that he failed to find them after hoovering me, despite me blocking all avenues: he called from a private number and answered thinking it was a friend). Now I am free because he discarded me. Still, he is “dipping” once a month so I need to block him again
what if the narcisst is a parent who is taking care of his own adult sick child? the child is physically incapacitated in addition to the narcistic abuse daily. He can not run away as no other person could help him physically . The parent helps him only when the child agrees on anything the narcisst proposes. Difficult situtation ,I would be interested in your opinion. thanks
Hugh,
the issue is that we can only take responsibility and help our own situation. We don’t know and don’t have control over other people’s soul journey.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you again for a really timely article. This one has really profound implications, not simply on an individual personal level for all of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse, as it seems to me that there are parallels on a wider scale in our society. We have to keep developing, keep loving, keep shining a Light, both individually and collectively: we cannot let darkness win.
You are very welcome Jo
I agree with you completley!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
You are a shining light Mel, and definitely part of my soul tribe.
Everything you have been through and explain resonnates.
I am a NARPER, and am currently working with THRIVE.
I love your empathy, passion and connection , that you continue to bring to us, each and every post.
Question ……how can I learn Quantum, to help myself and others?
Please put my name down for your course.
Much love.
Debbie X
Hi Debbie,
I love that you are a part of my tribe Dear Sister!
You can contact [email protected] for QFH training in the future – we are taking names and keeping a list of interested people.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel:
Thank you for putting light into such a painful issue. For me, it happened again in a theatre group (and before in my friends group) So I am trying to take this opportunity to keep healing and hopefully I can target the trauma that put me in this repeated situation. I was thinking of living the master in dramaturgy (3 more classes where I am dealing with this problem) better say 2 because tomorrow I will not participate and hopefully I can take a decision for the other week (I always doubt myself what should I do, leave or stay?) Anyway I will keep doing Narp and thrive to heal all I can every day.
All the best and thank you again,
Hi Erica,
Please know you are very welcome 🙂
shifting the trauma that is triggered, moving it out, clears the way for the decision … the choice that will be right for you.
Clear that confusion, then you will KNOW what to do. Using Module 1 or the Source Healing and Resolution Module may be really direct and powerful for you.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you, Mel! Yes, it helps very much! :o)
Hi Mel,
Good timing on this since his flying monkeys are coming to stay with us for a few days. His technique is triangulation. I’m made to feel like a outsider in my own home. Now the monkeys are kissing narcs behind for monetary handouts (narcs dad passed and left lots of $$) making such a big deal over him. Which of course he loves as that’s what they thrive on. Im the bad guy because I’m not falling all over myself trying to make the monkeys made to feel how wonderful they and he are. Thanks for the tips. I’m really going to need them..
Hugs,
Mary
You are very welcome Mary and I’m glad this helps!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Good timing for me too. I have been slowly disentangling myself from an emotionally abusive alcoholic narc for years. Number 5 on your list really hits home. Just today an old friend of his sent me yet another searing email about how I am “enabling” the narc. It hurts but it is my business how I handle things. I know that I am an enabler but I also know how malignant and dangerous this person can be if I attempt to really hammer down on getting him out of our lives all at once. I don’t try to justify or explain what I do and how and why I do it anymore. I do have a plan in place and I am actively working the plan, but it took time to get into the position I am in and it is going to take time to get back out. The last thing I would want to do is tell a friend of his about the plan I have mapped out! As my Mother used to tell me “Bosom your cards sweetie”. LOL
Ooof!!! Ouch!!! It was so difficult after I realized that she had discarded me for what the N described as her “new family”….I was shocked when I discovered that she had abandoned me for a fake religious cult of flying monkeys and enabler’s, etc. etc. etc. Thankfully, some of that pain has dissipated a little….However, I know I still need to work on many related unhealed parts… this blog has such wonderful guidelines for doing that…. thank you for this today! I am continually grateful, Melanie, for NARP and that NARP is continuing to give me the proper guidance for healing so much that still needs healing! Much love to you, Melanie, and much gratitude for everything that you are doing for so many of us! ❤️🦋❤️
Thank you Peter!
Power and healing to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Me too Penelope. Seems we should have a whole new “me too” movement.;)
I have been wrestling with healing for quite sometime. So concise, so helpful, the absolute best information I have read…… I have listened to everyone on YouTube, read countless books…this resonates with me more than anything. I look forward to my first meeting. Thank you.
Hi Gale,
thank you and I’m happy this has granted you clarity.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Wow, so much learning in one place!
First of all, it may sound silly, but just knowing that this “support network” of the narcissist has a name, makes me see how much a toxic relationship involves a lot of people around. I always saw this, but I didn’t understand it until I read this article.
For me, the hardest parts of getting rid of a narcissist are first realizing what they are doing, and then letting go, because even though you know that this person is cruel to you, you think that they really love you.
Jessa C.
Amazing, helpful, extraordinary article. Thank you so much Melanie. Blessings
Hi Miriam,
I’m so pleased this resonates with you and helps.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
My new neighbor tried to pull a land grab over our property line. I’ve been in my home 30 years and I held my ground with her. I told her NO this is my yard.
Apparently people don’t say NO to her. I knew something was wrong when she stamped her foot and declared “You don’t like me! “. Then the copying and mimicking my clothes, words, and behavior. I spent 30 years in the garment industry working my ass off for ungrateful exploiters of women. This woman is 30 years younger than me and a stay at home mom. She started telling anyone who would listen that I didn’t like her because she’s just as creative and the same as me. I didn’t really care until she ramped up the relational aggression by standing literally in front of my home modeling her little outfits. This went on for weeks, and on into two years. If I worked in my yard she came out in the same colors I was wearing. The heartbreak came when I was working in my yard minding my own business when neighbors across from me and on the other side of me came out and accused me of harassing this young woman and that I deserve to be attacked by them because of terrible things I had done to the little sweety. My heart hurt when I realized they had all betrayed me and gouged me in the back. THANK GOD I was so shocked I couldn’t speak. I literally said nothing. They saw there would be no fight and I walked away. The pain of betrayal was gut wrenching and a couple of days later I received the “famous narc smirk” from the little actress herself when I pulled into the driveway. I have gone no contact and have been in lockdown healing from bleeding ulcers and trying to do the inner work you have guided us to do. I am so grateful for all that you do. I am trying to heal within but still somewhat shaky. My health and wellness are my first priority, and I will continue to distance until I am well enough to go out and be active again. Thank for the gift you share. You are a blessing.
Hey, this was really really needed. It gave me so much aha-moments and insights and its something that I have already thought about and applied from time to time, yet not fully grasped. I’ve been reading your other articles as well.
I went deeply into my own healing after leaving the narc for the last time (I lost count on how many times I’ve tried doing that). Went no contact, ignored everything, attended my therapy, but fell into the reacting and playing into the drama because he wouldn’t leave me alone. Cut off from my feelings kinda, to survive. Had no support network. No friends, family.
I now realize I used to be in the mindset of “I have to”. I have to defend, I have to change his view, I have to win or I am at fault. I have to read his letters, I need to know. Terrified of what people might say, what he will say.
Not as much anymore. More me, less him.
Its funny that as I was leaving this toxic emotional energy behind more and more, suddenly the police reached out to me, they’ve found my things that I thought I had lost (Credit cards, ID) at his workplace and asked if I wanted to press charges. He’s done other stuff too they found out. So I will be going to court about this. Is this acting from personal emotional power or is it feeding into the drama? Sometimes the line seems blurry. I don’t feel like I’m acting out of anger. Also me and my therapist has discussed to press charges due to him not stopping with the harassment. Two people of authority has talked to him without result. Which approach is the best? How do I know that I am not acting out of a victim mentality?
Thank you thank you thank you.
Why can’t they just tell the truth about their connections with the narcissist? (because that would be really embarrassing) 🤫
I have a new twist on the damage that flying monkeys can do. My narc mom went into the hospital one month ago. She had severe pain from undiagnosed cancer. My uncle and one of his daughters flew down immediately and had my mom sign papers to take her car out of her trust and sign it over to one of his daughters. I was upset to find out about this because the car (only one year old) was designated in the trust to be given to me. The flying monkeys did this behind my back. I didn’t find out about it until mom died less than three weeks later. I am talking with attorneys about this and I am going to file a case up to and including litigation to hold my uncle accountable for this devious breach of his responsibilities as a POA and executor. Meanwhile, the flying monkeys (the uncle and several cousins) have been unbelievably nasty to me. When I asked my uncle about this he told me that I have “mental problems” and to “shut up.” In the midst of tremendous loss, trauma, grief, and exhaustion I have been treated as though I am an annoying pest who deserves to have a car stolen from her. I initially responded with anger and verbal assaults but I now realize that the flying monkeys will only use my anger to justify their meanness and theft. I wish I had read this article previously. I will still pursue legal action but now I will also disengage with all of the flying monkeys. I will focus on healing myself.
Hello, wow I am so pleased to see that so much is being done against narcissism! As a small girl I was a victim child victim of another child of victim she was very very sick. He would do horrible things and beat people up all the time the other kids mostly new ones, and boy does she have a lot of flying monkeys. Of course I didn’t know what this was I was just a kid I don’t recall adults around me ever even talking about it never heard the word narcissism until a year ago maybe, anyway he taunted me until I was about 17 and it started in first grade. Well actually I was about 15. And the junior high school kicked her out I think many people were very happy about that. Anyway I have so many stories because as life went on unfortunately I think I have something that attracts them and I think I just realized that I am married to one and my granddaughter is being exposed by her narcissist mother and also my son is suffering a lot from the things that she does. My daughter-in-law is also done some pretty hurtful things to me over the years I was never able to call her out on it or even approach her or say anything because I wanted to be able to see my granddaughter and I knew she was the type to probably keep her from me if I made her angry in any way. My best friend my oldest sister who I pretty much took care of and did everything she wanted also turned out to be an artist I did not know she hit it very well and what she did to me is almost unspeakable. So I’ve got some scars. When I think about all of them enough and what I’ve been through and it hurts because well my sister? Never would have thought she’d hurt me the way she did ever! And my husband I just found out about him recently and well it’s really hurtful for him to be an artist and did the things he did to me hurts a lot. And my baby girl, Caitlin I don’t think she even knows what’s happening she’s only 16. But I can see in her in her personality that there’s something there and her actions also. I think the worst is my son he just after seeing your relationship came to me and told me that he couldn’t take it anymore that she was telling lies about other families other people with her mother and he just couldn’t stand any of it anymore apparently he was probably watching and hearing these things going on the whole time he was raising the children with her looking like a normal family but I knew there was something more going on because she’s evil. So he’s here with me sometimes now trying to break away but she has a firm hold on him I think he might have been a flying monkey for her not to hurt me but he did do some shady stuff I can remember her to me and I remember feeling so sad felt like I lost my son she had an accidental pregnancy yet when he was I don’t know maybe 19 didn’t even have a chance to live so he left me at a very young age I don’t even think he was really an adult yet so I’m afraid that her ways have affected him morally for whole family really and there’s a lot of them that are very strange to me I always thought so we’d have family get togethers and they would just gather in their own little group you know they wouldn’t socialize or be friendly with the other people that were at the party I always thought that was strange and I would always get really weird looks from the women you know like they were sending me messages with her eyes that were mean yeah really kind of mean? Yeah my questioned it but of course there were no answers and I just kind of kept on giving and loving and caring and my happy little self back then. But I don’t know how to get that person back anymore I feel defeated and I’ve lost everyone. There are no flying monkeys around me right now I haven’t had that problem in a long time but what I am doing now is distancing myself from my husband after everything I found out and I don’t know where that’s going to leave me. Also I do have one sister left that is quite normal she moved about 2 hours away I just need to go and see her really miss her anyway thanks for listening I know where you are. Those of you who are dealing with this sort of thing from your family I emphasize with you I know how painful it is. Just think how it was for me as a child for years I was afraid of her so afraid. Man I watched her hurt so many girls so many bad things you did to people so many lies to seat she would turn people against people so easily. Funny my oldest son saw her and a pizza place and she recognized him in asked him to give me her phone number and give her a call so I did mostly out of curiosity it’s it had been years anyway when I called her she invited me to come over just to talk catch up I went over her house surprisingly the beautiful young girl that weighed like a hundred pounds that every boy wanted to date and every girl wanted to have her admiration and love was weighing about 400 lb! She spoke to me about calling all the people that she had hurt as we were kids she wanted to apologize to everyone of them. She told me she got a hold of one of them when she did the girl told her that she ruined her childhood and that she hates her and always willing that she should just go to hell for everything she did. So I don’t think she’s going to get her forgiveness but I do believe that she’s suffering from what she did. God don’t sleep! You know it may take a long time but you know what they say about Karma now we just the victims have to try and heal the best we can.
I have a step daughter who did not live with us but saw us all the time. As an child, it was her way or the highway with everything so needless to say we bumped heads a lot because I had a daughter the same age who had to follow our rules.
As an adult, she has two kids from boyfriends. She always chooses her messed up men over her kids and wonders why her kids act up and hate her. She has 4 DUI’s but last year decided to get clean and sober. She went to church with us but publicly told the entire church she had a horrible childhood when she got baptized. I knew better. She was given everything she needed and wanted… and loved by 2 sets of parents but spoiled!
We bought a house that she picked out. We spent $5,000 fixing it up with new paint etc. now it is a pig stye and she says it is a crap house. She resents having to pay in the mortgage, taxes and insurance and thinks we should do that.
We are far from rich and used some of our life savings to help her with cars and to pay off debts.
My husband now has dementia and she is worse in demanding we help her to the point she can’t even put Draino in the sink. I am stressed and at my wits end.
I know that the church knows we are good people and it really only matters what God thinks of us but it hurts after all we have done. Her two kids have lived with us off and on when she was homeless.
Our other daughter is successful with a college degree and a great family that actually wants to spend time with us and not for money. The two girls are like night and day. I know she is a narcissist because she fits every characteristic.
She reals us in by crying and pleading so we give in and then we are trash.
Thanks for your article.