Melanie Tonia Evans

Disarming The Narcissist – The 5 Essential Steps To Reclaiming Your Freedom

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 18
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


It is so interesting that, until we start turning inwards to self-partner and purposefully evolve ourselves, we may think that focusing on and trying to stop, change or combat the narcissist is what disarms them.

This is a totally false premise – it’s Wrong Town!

We have no power to change anyone let alone disarm them –and in fact when we try to beat the narcissist at their own game, we usually find ourselves up to our neck in toxic drama, battles and abuse … at levels that we could barely fathom, let alone believe we would start experiencing as our own personal nightmare.

Trying to “get even” is not what is going to hurt a narcissist, it actually feeds them, it brings you right into the arena that they love to occupy the most. It hands them narcissistic supply (attention) on a silver plate. It allows them the significance that you have been affected significantly by them.

There is a much more conclusive way to beat a narcissist, and to effectively disarm them … and that is to remove yourself in every way from their Energy Field. I have used the expression “Energy Field” to allow you to understand that there is really nothing “worldly”, “normal” or “logical” about what has taken place with a narcissist.

It is like a soul takeover of mammoth proportions that needs nothing LESS than Quantum understandings and application to de-tox and get clean from.

It’s very important to realise that what hurts and affects the narcissist the most – more than any other injury – is when you evolve yourself to the place whereby they NO longer exist in any shape of form to you.

You may believe that you have to completely evict them out of your Life to get to this place. I promise you – you don’t. There are people within the Thriver Community who have been able to exorcise the narcissist from every nook and cranny of their psyche and Inner Being and been able to work in the same building, see them at a family function or even co-parent with them and felt no emotional hooks or triggers whatsoever.

When a narcissist becomes totally benign to you, where what they do feels within your Being as irrelevant, the narcissist has to take their energy elsewhere.

Because narcissists will only exert energy if there is the payoff of narcissistic supply. Without narcissistic supply they would be engulfed by the inner chasm of their self-annihilating wounds, and narcissistic supply is the drug that self-medicates them away from a catatonic breakdown.

It’s a necessity that the narcissist must have and needs to source as a constant supply. If you are not offering it up, the narcissist has to take their tormenting attention and intentions elsewhere.

How do we take ourselves firmly off the “narcissistic supply menu?”

By evolving ourselves beyond the hooks and the enmeshments by meeting and healing our original wounded parts within us, that have unconsciously allowed us to be susceptible to being abused, punished and sucked dry.

Let’s look at the essential five steps to disarming the narcissist’s hold on us and laying a solid foundation for our recovery.


Step 1: Breaking All Forms of Communication

This is where No Contact comes into play. This is about taking yourself out of the game and away. Many of us, including myself, had to do a lot of work to let go at this level – because as much as the narcissist was addicted to us to get narcissistic supply – we are also addicted to them to try to force them to be the savior of our wounds that had been activated so demonstratively inside of us.

For many of us in this Community, it wasn’t until we turned inwards to meet and heal our wounds of the terror of criticism, abandonment, rejection or punishment, that were leftovers from our childhood or ancestral DNA, that we felt solid and whole enough to do No Contact for real.

And for all of us getting off the “drug” of contact became as important as a heroin addict giving up heroin, because when we finally mean No Contact it is about so MUCH more than not allowing the narcissist to hurt us; the most important thing is the stand we take that’s states: I will no longer hurt myself.

The understanding being that this person was not our salvation or the answer to our wholeness. This was the declaration of: I will do everything now in my power to self-partner, heal and be that Source to myself.

There may be practical reasons where initially you can’t go No Contact – this may be because of working in the same building as a narcissist – or co-parenting with one. If this is the case, boundaries are required so that you have minimal contact and don’t continue to hand over narcissistic supply.

You can learn how to set boundaries a narcissist if you can’t go no contact here.

And please know if you still haven’t signed up for your FREE New Life Starter package one of your two 2 fee eBooks is a complete guide to No Contact.

You can download your copy here.


Step 2: Healing Beyond the Emotional Connection

This is the next essential step, because physical No Contact or Modified Contact is not enough. You may still be handing over energy emotionally – meaning that the feelings, trauma and thoughts about the narcissist still have a life of their own within you. If this is the case, you will still be suffering the effects of narcissistic abuse symptoms such as PTSD.

Many people believe not granting narcissistic supply is enough – such as applying the Gray Rock method, but I promise you it isn’t.

I did a video on exactly this topic that explains why this is the case.

At the emotional level is where the real work is – this is where we clean up all the reasons why we feel like we have no closure yet, why we feel so aggrieved, hurt, devastated and betrayed.

This is the releasing of all of the trauma that has been wedged in our Inner Being that is causing us to feel so wounded and devastated as well as why we feel like we can’t get this person out of our heart and head.

I promise you that the thoughts in your head are being generated from the trauma in your body, and it’s the emotional purging – the releasing of our trauma literally out of the cells of our Being that finally gets us out of the emotional and mental bowels of hell.

Generally, before we start working with body work (the inner work) we may believe it is ethereal, fanciful and not real. And I concur, I used to think like this too, because we can’t see inner trauma physically … even though we may realise emotions (once we become conscious) are the drivers of our Life.

Quantum Scientists, such as Bruce Lipton, now bring us the knowledge that our emotional drivers generated from Inner Identity composition (our beliefs – wounded or healthy) dictate 90-95 % of our entre life!

Just because we can’t go to a doctor and get an X-ray and he reads the results, “Mrs. Jones I’m sorry to say you have a 10-pound resentment trauma wedged inside you” doesn’t mean that the dense energy of trauma doesn’t exist, or that it isn’t creating dis-ease, powerlessness and victimisation in ways that are deeply impactful in our life.

And even though we can’t see or even measure our internal trapped trauma, the proof is irrefutable how when we energetically target it and release it that, just like a boil that has been lanced of pus, healing enters where the trauma once was.

So I truly can’t emphasize this step enough.

Creating No Contact or Modified Contact is NOT enough, it’s the prelude to the real foundational work which is Step 2. It grants you the space to do the essential inner healing work.

Trying to get well from an extreme trauma such as narcissistic abuse – whilst trying to survive the inner unreleased trapped trauma – is trying to exist with inner emotional landmines being regularly detonated that are draining your Life-force even when they are not being triggered off.

This means the copious amount of energy being tied up in survival is not free to be utilized for all the good stuff (that we will talk about in more detail in Step 5) such as joy, creation and inspiration.

Please know the mental, physical, spiritual and even financial bodies all start re-setting to health once you clean up and heal the emotional connection away from the narcissist and back to yourself, because as the famous neuron Scientist Jo Dispenza states, “The brain follows the body ALWAYS.”

And … the intense psychic connection – the literal psychic vandalisation that has occurred with the narcissist also heals.

I did a Thriver TV episode on this topic which explains how and why.


Step 3: Build Your Inner Identity

I purposefully used the term build instead of re-build – because in the Thriver Way to heal for real, naturally at first we want relief and to get some power, hope and life-force back into Inner Being and Life – but ultimately we are working towards losing our Old Self and becoming a much more evolved and empowered New Self.

We don’t want to just survive narcissistic abuse with all the usual accompaniments of a diminished psyche, health and trust and a reduced ability to generate a great life … rather we wish to Thrive as a result of what happened to us.

We stop holding the narcissist, whoever that may be, responsible and accountable for our own wellbeing and we knuckle down to clearing our traumas that caused us to show up emotionally as a still wounded child trying to make someone else be the “parent” … and we heal and grow these parts up to a confident, solid inner maturity.

We make it our greatest mission to self-actualise our evolution beyond the previously wounded parts of ourselves that were handing power away and seeking outer false substitutes to grant us love, approval, security or survival.

What Thriving looks like is this: It is the coming into wholeness as a result of releasing our wounds and creating the space inside us for our innate True Nature to emerge; which is life-force, health, solidness and peace, and the starting to organically experience unconditional joy.

So many of us, even before narcissistic abuse, were simply going through the paces … we were living but maybe we were not truly alive. Maybe we felt like life was tough and we had to always battle to survive it, or to get any decent slice of it.

Maybe we took on many of these limiting and painful beliefs from our ancestors, as well as from our collective programmed human experience … and it definitely matched what we knew as our own experienced “reality”.

However, when we leave behind the traumas and beliefs that are the “normal” human experience that we were living as our “normal”, we find that we start experiencing life completely differently.

Our Identity shifts from a mere survivor to an ever-expanding Thriver, not just in relation to the people we have suffered trauma from, but in every area of our Life.

We start having access to activities, people, opportunities and dreams that we simply couldn’t access before – things that we used to feel only happened to other people. Things that we could never truly imagine or feel as real for ourselves, all of of a sudden come into view…. as doors, feelings and possibilities open everywhere we look.

This New Identify of a True Self is a place where narcissists don’t play. Rather, they are stuck in lower vibrational realities of fear, pain, separation, competition and feeling left out, chopped off, unworthy and unloved – hence their relentless behavior of having to control, take and deceive in order to emotionally survive.

Once we start entering the natural organic trajectory of Wellbeing and Life-force that is already pre-coded in our DNA – as a result of releasing the trauma that was inhibiting that flow entering us and expressing itself through is – we become inoculated against narcissists.

We yin, they yang; they belong in a completely different vibrational Universe

It is like you graduated from the School of Hard Knocks and entered Evolutionary College.


Step 4: Connecting to the True Source

One of the essential steps that I have discovered is pertinent in Thriver Recovery is this: Connecting to a True Source as your Power Source. This is a Higher Power – whatever a Higher Power means to you.

Please know my beliefs are not that of any particular structured religion; I embrace people seeking a Higher Power through any channel they wish.

To me a Higher Power is all encompassing – it is “All That Is”. I believe this Higher Power is the consciousness of Life-force itself that is responsible for all Life as we know it. It makes the flowers bloom in all the glory of their intricate patterns, colors and detail, just as is dictates how our intensely complicated trillions of chemical processes go on within ours bodies daily, without us having any conscious control or understanding of them.

This almighty force is BIGGER than us. Yet I believe in the Quantum World of connected Oneness that it IS us – it is our super-conscious that is connected to all permutation, miracle and possibility, and is the greater part of our psyche that is reportedly “unused”.

I believe that when we Go Quantum and start tapping into and aligning with the power of our super-conscious – by getting our small, fearful and defensive parts (that try to take control instead) out of the way –  we start to experience our True Power.

This is our True Connection, or true sustenance which releases us into knowing at the deepest level of our being (cellular reactivated knowing) that we are adored, and flourished and nourished beyond measure simply because we exist.

And we drop all of the trauma of needing to earn love and approval. We lose our programmed unworthiness in regard to our Higher Power’s complete unconditional love for us.

I believe that this Higher Power requires nothing from us. What could “All There Is” possible need? And I believe that this Higher Power awaits us always, ever-ready to partner us and fill us with the wholeness, joy, inspiration and love that is Who We Really Are when we get our wounded parts out of the way.

And when we fill we become whole unconditionally. No longer do we need False Outer Substitutes to try to feel whole.

I have an upcoming video about this exact topic coming VERY soon!

My healing process, Quanta Freedom Healing, and the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program incorporates this very important element – The Higher Self Component – because without it we struggle to heal from the “unhealable” aspect of narcissistic abuse, and with it we precisely and powerfully can.


Step 5: The Generation of Our Own Life

The Higher Power of Life-force, flowing through us as us, loves “expansion”. This is the very nature of the Universe and the cellular coded truth of Who We Really Are.

When expanding that is Life-force expressing itself … it is “The God Particle / Oneness” in it’s most vital and joyous form.

Contraction is the opposite, it is the dying off of Life-force.

If you take a step forwards with conscious expansion, then your Higher Power will grant you more inspiration, momentum and opportunities.

The only reason we don’t expand as Life-force itself, is because the wounds inside us are bringing us fear. The energy we are expending trying to survive our wounds has not been released or made room for creation yet.

We can stay stuck in comfort zones – yet they are never comfortable – because they are denying the very nature of the Universe inside and outside of us.

This is why in the Thriver Way we meet our fears. We go directly to our inner wounds and we release them, so that they no longer control our lives and so that we are free to expand.

No longer are we trying to live – we become Life-force itself.

If you have addressed the preceding steps, you will naturally have made it your biggest commitment to meet your fears directly, to not let them take you out of the game of Life. You will commit to meeting them in your body, shifting them out and creating “space” in your cells.

That space is where the juice is! Creating the space is when the good stuff comes rushing in, (often instantaneously) granting you the power to expand beyond your previous Identity.

Then naturally, or with very little fear, you will feel uncontainable – you will want to go do what you never had the courage to do before now. It will feel like the emotional next step for you, because expansion harnessed gains momentum to become even more expansion.

That is what growing means. And if we are not growing we are not evolving, we are dissolving. The former feels joyous, whilst the latter feels like anxiety, fear and depression – letting us know this is NOT our True Self!

Strive to Thrive by doing what you haven’t done that you want to do. If blocks or fears come up then shift them out – which then creates more space for you to expand again.

Expansion is Life-force, it isn’t Quasi-Life. Narcissists are Life suckers and diminishers, not expanders and life-granters, and I promise you that when you have this actualized for real, you will be in a train leaving the Narcissism Station behind you in a cloud of dust … for ever.


In Conclusion

Let’s condense these steps into an easy to know format …

The first step is undoubtedly to 1) create Modified or No Contact, so that we can have the space to progress into 2) releasing the trauma from your Being, and healing the parts of you that require healing to wholeness. From that essential platform we have the ability to 3) create a Thriver Identity, and 4) connect to our True Source and then 5) Expand as Life-force Itself.

By doing so, I promise you will be freer than you ever believed possible.

I look forward, as always to your comments and questions below.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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43 Thoughts on Disarming The Narcissist – The 5 Essential Steps To Reclaiming Your Freedom
    May 12, 2017

    I’m well-versed in so much of the ‘recovery’ paradigm. However, while enmeshed in the continuous battle of the divorce, and custody, and legal brutalization enabled by the dysfunctional system – which can go on for years, how does one cope?
    I’ve been obliterated – and exhausted of all legal help. Nothing seems to apply when one is being victimized by not only their abuser, but by the system they’ve exploited as well.
    Please – I’m at my wits end. And yes, I’ve exhausted every resource. I’ve been on the circle-jerk for more than 3 years and have received the opposite of help. I have two female daughters. I am desperate!!

      John doe
      May 12, 2017

      My heart goes out to you! I have been separated for over a year now and divorce proceedings have begun. It just keeps getting worse and worse no matter what I do. I have tried modified contact, and everything else. I have lost my job and am on long term disability. Just when I think I am starting to make progress something else is thrown at me. I am financially ruined and emotionally devastated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2017

      Hi Wendie,

      my heart goes out to you.

      Myself and so many other people have felt like you do, I promise you …

      Wendie this Community is about healing and “changing” this a different way … and many, many people (like my previous self too) found their way to these processes ONLY after exhausting every other “way”.

      Wendie please sign up my resources and start reading – – because it will all start to make sense.

      And also I’d love you to come into my Free Workshop – where profound healing takes place in the 3 hour session –

      I know this can help you …

      Mel xo

    May 12, 2017

    Melanie I think you are the No 1 expert on narcissists in the world. So much better and alive than Sam Vaknin and others alike.
    There is a Divine Plan waiting for each individual who has freed himself from the shackles of mental illusions. And narcissistic relations are big part of this Matrix. However, it takes a lot of hard work to close the gap between, – ok, I’m free from narcissistic abusers, what now – to finding our unique place in this Divine Plan.
    All the best

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2017

      Hi Robert,

      I agree there is a Divine Plan, and breaking free from abuse and abusers is JUST the beginning!

      Mel xo

      Darlene Skupien
      November 23, 2017

      Hi Robert…. my humble thots about Sam Vaknin vs Melanie’s Thriver Program. I listened to a number of his videos and i found him to be very dark and scary. i decided i couldnt listen/watch his stuff any longer because i came away feeling extremely depressed and hopeless. Maybe that is howhe now sucks the life force from us. i have found Melanies approach to be safe, positive and very nice. i m on module 6 and i feel so much lighter… my goal, ultimately, is to live a nice, comfortable rest of my days on earth, but moreso, to help my children experience a less traumatic existence than i did. all the best to you, darlene

    May 12, 2017

    What exactly is narcissistic supply other than attention? How long does it last? Lets say I yelled at the narcissist and called him mean names and words sp that gave him supply.How long does he get a hit from that ? Hours , days? I dont understand the spiritual concept of narc supply other than I feel my energy being drained and not reciprocatwd.If you sleep with one how long do they get supply? Do they try to steal our light because they are dark? I ended my last and final narc relationship with a covert narc a month ago.It took me 3 weeks to nip it in the bud that he was a covert n.I am repulsed by narcissists and with your help am healing and know what a healthy mutually beneficial and respecrful and reciprocal adult relationship is.I have lost health and expensive homes and assetts and hundreds of rhousands of dollars to my ex n husband 20 years ago and datwd over 20 of these kind sociopaths as well before my doctor saw the pattern in me and I came across your utube videos.Im not on the narc menu or radar anymore thanks to you.Can you steal back what they stole from me by reclaiming my power ? I am not triggered by any of them or even think of any of them.I am just disgusted by them and want by finances and health to thrive and prosper again.Thank you very much for everything!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2017

      Hi Winter,

      the truth is “who knows” and of course like every individual it could differ person to person.

      This really is not about “them” … Winter it truly is about us being our own Source of Light – and when we heal the parts within that were handing it over, and have been damaged as a result of that – and plug back in to True Source – we will fill and glow more than what we ever have before.

      I promise you dear Lady that is what your focus needs to be on – otherwise you are handing over even more “energy” with your attention on “them”.

      Your life and every area is between you and you – and when that comes into alignment so will all that has gone missing – plus some.

      Winter why don’t you come into my Free Workshop and connect to this level of healing?

      Mel xo

    May 12, 2017

    Wisdom is nothing more than healed (upleveled) pain! Lots of love for all thrivers

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2017

      Hi Anke,

      that is so true and spoken by someone who has experienced that cellularly!

      Mel xo

    May 12, 2017


    Thanks to the impetus your program has given me. I made great spiritual strides even though the person who has me trapped still lives with me. The narcissist is my mother who is in her nineties. She can’t be on her own and flatly refuses to even consider a perfectly nice seniors home. She has a paranoid disorder as well. She has lived with me for over 12 years.

    I practice Buddhism and meditate and took to your program right away. I have often agonized over why I don’t have the fortitude to tell her she’s has to go to a seniors home, partly because of the codependency and partly because the Buddha in me wants her poor soul to be happy too. Between my practice and your program I am managing my karma in the best way I can. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2017

      Hi Sunberry,

      I love that you are experiencing relief and freedom.

      Bless you Dear Lady, keep up the great work 🙂

      And more will unfold for your freedom and Truth (as it does!)

      Mel xo

    Michelle BROWN
    May 12, 2017

    Hi Mel , I believe you are the best I’ve ever read on this subject.You are a genius ,and placed here by God, to help people survive this unbelievable pain .I still….even after learning all this about narcissistic people….feel a divine and absolute …(..true love) for this narcissist in my life that caused this pain….Where do I go with this love ?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2017

      Hi Michelle,

      thank you for your lovely post.

      The answer, sweet lady, is always the same ..

      Back to Loving Self – because when we do that – go inwards to heal the broken parts of ourselves that were not originally healed to maturity and wholeness by original role model – then we no longer “feel in love” with False Sources who cannot and do not have the capacity to love us healthily and wholly.

      I promise that was my journey too … i felt dying / eternal love for N number 1. Now I feel nothing all for him but gratitude for the journey … because it was ALL and ONLY about me not loving and healing myself.

      Michelle the aspects that life reflects back to us that hurt us regarding “what other people are not granting” is what we are not as yet granting ourselves with.

      It isn’t their job – its ours and when we heal our deep original wounds not allowing an integrated relationship with ourselves – people start coming in who do also.

      Have you connected to my Free Resources yet: to get this healing / awareness started for you?

      Mel xo

      August 29, 2018

      I agree with everything you said and I Know what you mean about feeling true love for this person.
      I am I very lit spirit, my mom is a wonderful lit spirit, radiant! Throughout all this she told me to not be a Saint Teresa, that he was not worth me risking getting the plague. I guess I just had to see it for myself. She taught me about energy and transmutation, consciousness and visualization since I was very little, so this knowledge has been with me always. I have always felt light shining within my soul, loved, safe and secure, connected to the source of all that Is.
      I truly fell in love with the bit of soul I saw in this man and even though I knew he had a dark spirit, we were neighbors for 9 years before I decided to connect with him, so I had seen his ugliness. I took the chance because I believed that I could shine some light into his soul. I willingly stayed with him for 3 years, but inevitably I got sucked into the cycle of abuse and everything else. I had No idea how dark it was going to be, the dark ages indeed. I can see how he used the knowledge of my helper nature to his advantage in keeping me hooked, as he would appear to be speaking from his “heart” every time he said he wanted to be a better man and that he needed me,(when reappearing after abandoning and blocking me for days or weeks) naturally I wanted to believe he’d finally seen the light, every single time, about 30 times. I wanted to awaken him even though I knew that personal awakening only comes from within, I thought I could be the catalyst. But while I was so busy helping find his inner light, my inner light was slowly dimming. I realized this early on but I was so determined to help him have an awakening, it was like I was willing sacrificing my energy for what I thought to be a good cause, procuring light for another human being. I was so focused and determined that I didn’t see what was happening with my own Self. About a month ago I decided to stop expecting a miracle in him. I feel so sorry for him not being able to produce his own light, how can anyone survive empty inside. I have NEVER imagined such darkness could even be. I do believe that through the ego cracks he honestly wanted to get better, I could sense his desperation, but his determination wasn’t strong enough, his will appeard disintegrated. I know I did see in his eyes a cry for help, like from a traumatized and helpless little boy, I wanted to embrace him and let him know that everything can be ok. I saw great potential in him had he allowed everything that IS permeate his spirit. Towards the last year of our “relationship” I was no longer patient, I was devastated in learning how horrible a person can exist with no integrity, taking advantage of my kindness and my willingness to aid him. After being lied to, abandoned, cheated on, rejected, blamed, etc… I no longer had the patience to approach him openly and all I did was constantly confront him about every little thing, it got to be too much resentment and I simply could not endure any longer. It’s time to cleanse, recalibrate and regroup within myself.
      Mel your work is Wonderful and Beautiful! I am so happy and grateful every time I find the quantum “mind” in other human beings. You are Awesome!
      God bless.
      Lots of love
      Veronica 🙂

    May 12, 2017

    Hi Melanie!

    3 years of so called relationship with the N ended. Last time I have seen him was last september and last time I have talked with him (no, actually it was not “talking”, but he sending me many insulting and threatening messages) in january, and then zero contact.

    I have done very good progress and have been feeling quite good recently and like the normal me again, this is remarkable progress! I have done quanta freedom healing and eft (emotional freedom techinque). I don’t feel anything towards him and have nothing to say to him, nothing in common anymore, no “unfinished business”, no obsession. But today…for some unreasonable reason I felt the need (?) to call him, just “one last time”, maybe to hear his voice “one last time”. I am very aware, the “wonderful man” never existed, in reality he is this mentally ill, unstable, unreliable person. Well, he answered, and was cold, blunt, and slammed the phone to my ear, “I do no not want to talk with you”. I felt humiliated, totally unwanted person, un unwanted woman, abandoned. Why did I do this, what on earth I was expecting?! Now I feel nervous, anxious energy in my whole body, I am disappointed with myself. Melanie, what is happening?! 🙁
    I feel so silly and stupid, almost envy (silly, I know…) when some N’s try to “hoover” their exes back, as if it would be some kind of a compliment. He certainly does not want me back, he avoids me like plague! Yes, my biggest fear was probably to become abandoned and disconnection…he surely knows this very well and does that, because this is what hurts me the most!
    I don’t know what to think about this…but I will not fall in my old ways of being never ever again and I do not want to be with him anymore (or surely I would like to be with the “wonderful man” and it is sometimes hard to face the facts: it is not possible, as he doesn’t “exist”!).
    Well, I hope this was just a passing little relapse 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2017

      Hi Elina,

      That is so wonderful that you have emotionally broken free up to this point.

      Please know this is not a step backward, it is a wound within coming up to be healed (everything you named) – truly … and when you go to it (instead of him) and release it you will be freer than you even were before this.

      Do you have the NARP Modules to meet and release and up-level those traumas with you? Because when you do there will be NO urge to contact him I promise you!

      This is all in perfect and divine order and exactly what you need to up-level to go to the next level of you.

      Does that make sense and help you understand the next level?

      Mel xo

    May 13, 2017

    While in the black hole of narcissistic abuse, I frantically watched youtube videos about narcissism and yes, I learned a lot but saw no way out. I then came across Melanie and NARP and it took a few weeks to settle the idea into my head…that I would try this. Then I purchased NARP and still made excuses for not starting. Fear of all kinds. Then the moderators in the forum gently and lovingly urged me to start the inner work. It has been 2 months since I started and there is a great difference in how I feel. I am more centered, the fear is mostly gone because I can spot narcissistic traps and decide not to fall into them…and I know that I have the support of “truth” and “sanity” . There is no way to stay in the abuse. It is like a college student agreeing to go back to first grade. It doesnt work. I decided to end the “marriage” (we all know that these are not really marriages). Without Melanie and NARP there is no way I would have gotten to this point. I went to many therapists in the past 8 years and besides venting off steam, I was in the same spot. NARP is like a magic carpet that transports you to a different place. A place where you can be clear and real and make good decisions…and save your life. She speaks the exact language of the condition…things we thought nobody understood. Things that made us think we are crazy but then understood that the situation was crazy…not us. Its not easy and its a daily struggle but it means slowly climbing out of the dark snakey hole instead of running in place and digging the hole deeper. I dont know if there are enough words in any language to thank Melanie and the community for saving my life and the lives of so many others. Melanie is a genius…she is, no doubt, the world’s best expert on this subject. Thank you Melanie and team.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2017

      Hi Dana,

      I am so pleased that you did pick up the tools and start working with them … and that is great that you are feeling the emotional freedom and relief now.

      Bless Dear Lady and I am so pleased your are a part of our wonderful Community!

      Mel xo

    May 13, 2017

    what if they discarded you, and they are now truly happy with their new partner? Doesn’t that mean we failed them? Maybe we actually did cause the anger and criticism?
    So, no contact is meaningless, as it is exactly what they want. It is supposed to help us move on, but what if we actually loved, and still love, the ex? How do we heal ?

      May 13, 2017

      The new partner will be seeking out help and healing resources eventually. Or worse. Won’t be seeking them out. You heal by understanding that you have been saved and can now start your real life -your amazing and authentic life. You reach out to normal people and situations and begin to see that it feels much, much better. Dont look back. Look ahead and smile.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 13, 2017

      Hi Shelia,

      Please find what I wrote for Michelle above – which is what I would love help you with too …

      “The answer, sweet lady, is always the same ..

      Back to Loving Self – because when we do that – go inwards to heal the broken parts of ourselves that were not originally healed to maturity and wholeness by original role model – then we no longer “feel in love” with False Sources who cannot and do not have the capacity to love us healthily and wholly.

      I promise that was my journey too … i felt dying / eternal love for N number 1. Now I feel nothing all for him but gratitude for the journey … because it was ALL and ONLY about me not loving and healing myself.

      The aspects that life reflects back to us that hurt us regarding “what other people are not granting” is what we are not as yet granting ourselves with.

      It isn’t their job – its ours and when we heal our deep original wounds not allowing an integrated relationship with ourselves – people start coming in who do also.

      Have you connected to my Free Resources yet: to get this healing / awareness started for you?”

      Mel xo

    Sela Rockwell
    May 14, 2017


    Thank you, thank you so much for this one. It is exactly what I needed right now. I finally understand what bringing it all ‘home’ to me means….at first I thought it was just taking full responsibility for myself, but I have finally understood that it is much more than that: it’s embracing ‘oneness’ and the ultimate power of spiritual ‘beingness’, and it’s a feeling of serenity and excitement and curiosity and love that takes over your entire body and mind. Even when the whole world has shut you out, even when you’ve lost everything that mattered previously, even when you are completely alone.

    Not sure about anyone else, but spending lots of time by myself and cutting off toxic people (even family) opened channels to peace and understanding and opportunity that I never thought possible (it just flowed in). And even though I still don’t have all my worldly affairs sorted out, I am OK with that. Not fearful. At peace. The only thing that is still sore is my heart…it feels like a sore organ inside my body. But like any wound, I tend to it and I know it will eventually heal completely.

    One thing I’ve noticed is that this is a process, that change cannot come overnight. The pain behaves like an actual flesh wound that takes times to heal, but how you tend to it greatly impacts the pace of healing. That the lesson of this experience involves a complete LETTING GO of your previous self and its mental constructs and experiencing a whole new way of living / being alive / having a mystical living breathing experience…takes a while to ‘get’. But life is constantly throwing us lessons that make us learn through contrast, and you can’t get to lesson 2 until you’ve completed lesson 1 anyway.

    I agree with the other posters: you are genius, #1 expert, placed here by a higher power, perfectly positioned so I could find you and level the f up.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 5, 2017

      Hi Sela,

      I am so pleased you found your way here – and have been up-levelling the “f” up 🙂

      You are so doing that – you words are living conscious proof!

      100% correct … it is true healing is a process that needs tending – just as e would to create any abundant crop!

      Loved your post!

      Mel xo

    Kathryn L Mommsen
    May 15, 2017

    Hey Melanie!This is fascinating!I have a question for you.Is there a connection between hypochondria and Narcassism?I also wanted to ask you about growing up with a parent who definitely has the personality disorder.I feel sorry for my ex boyfriend because I’m positive he learned this behavior growing up!!!Still, I’d rather be well and free.Thank you for your insight and I hope to start your program asap!I struggle with my own disorders but feel confident you can help.Thank God for a wonderful family as well.❤❤❤

      May 16, 2017

      Omg I wonder about that too . My ex and his mother were extreme hypochondriacs . I never understood the extreme self fixation they both had on their own health . But it is just another addiction AND SELF focused activity .

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 5, 2017

        Hi Kathryn and Yvonne,

        this is what is important to understand – the ONLY connection between narcissism and “anything” is Narcissistic Supply.

        Meaning, what tactic, state or way is going to be used to mine energy and resources from others?

        Could a narcissist use hypochondria to get supply? Yes … Are all hypochondriacs narcissistic? No … they are simply hypochondriacs …
        I hope this helps.

        Mel xo

    May 16, 2017

    I am using a NARP module every morning. Number 7 is my favourite. I already feel more calm.

    June 3, 2017

    i’m in love with a narcissit married man , means that he is cheating on her
    with me , and told me he doen’t like her anymore and wants to divorce her
    and marry me , but after 2 years he said sorry i can’t divorce her it’s hard
    , so i decided to tell his wife everything as a revenge , then guess what ,
    they both fired me from the house and she didn’t believe me , she believed
    him when he said i’m a slut hoe following him , then he blocked me and
    started the NO CONTACT , i’m totally shocked and in pain , all these love
    and good sex and saying you are the love of my life was lie ? how could he
    just fired me from tha house with even call to check if i’m hurted or not ,
    and do you think his wife really didn’t beileve me or she just doesn’t want
    to lose him and her baby ? she will keep loving him and live normaly with
    him ?? i’m so confused now , it’s been only 1 week of this
    i lost all of my friends , my family because of him
    i think i chose the wrong word (fired) , well i;m not nativ English , no i don’t work there , I only meant they told me to get out from the house , maybe Expelled is the word

    I used to be with him 24 hours , he cared about me a lot , he used to take me to hospital when i’m sick , helped me to find a job , and even supported me when i was broke , even when i’m sleep , he wake up at night to cover me

    and now after i went to his house and told his wife everything , he denied and told me to get out and i’m the one who is following him , then he suddenly blocked me and disappeared , he didn’t even think about calling me to apologize or to give any excuses , to be honest i was expecting him to call and say i’m sorry for doing that but i don’t want to lose my baby , my house or whatever , or to see if im ok or not

    all i want is revenge , i can’t think about anything but revenge, i keep imagine him happy with her like nth happened and that is killing me

    i wish his wife will turn his life into hell now , and he return to me crying ,, I’m confused too many thoughts came into my mind , i thought about killing myself , do you believe in Karma ? will the universe take my revenge ??

    June 5, 2017

    I tried the no contact step. Now, as I am not talking to him anymore, he is now going to use my 29 year old daughter.
    She is giving now all information about me, what I am doing, how am I feeling. He even called my doctor, to find out what is the reason for my sickness, because my daughter told him, that I went for a check. He is now turning her against me. Since a couple days, she is now acting like him, yelling and hurting me emotionally.
    I tried to explain to her, that he is using her, but she got very upset and said, that she is old enough to recognise. I told her, that I had to get even older to be able to recognise.
    I am very sad, because she was the last person in my life, who cared about me.
    But when he recognised, that he cannot hurt me anymore with words and actions, he now uses the last and most effective and hurting trigger, my daughter.
    What should I do? Should I also avoid contact with my daughter?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 5, 2017

      Hi Edith,

      if you google my name + our children or coparenting, there is a lot of information in certain publications that I have done, including exactly what you are dealing with right now.

      I hope this can help.


      Mel xo

    June 15, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for the work you are doing and reaching us far away where wothou your wonderful council we may naver have found a way out of this abusive mess.
    I am one of those people who have finaly understood the impact of quntum healing and since then I have hope to overcome the challenges ahead for breaking free from the effects of Narcissistic abuse
    Since I started quantum hewling ,I feel myself growing aloof from him. but recently, Out of the blue after one week, the longest that I have stayed without calling or texting him and uttering unecessary accusations,but now I do not regret it because,this time I realised how futile my aguments are and while feelings of shame and lack of self respect did nothing to stop me from behaving this way,This realisation has made feel diferent as if i am standing out of myself and watching me and him and realising I dont need this in my life and I now know for sure that its eigther I keep emtertaining him or turn my back on him ans start rebuilding my new future,cos those are the only options for me. I will continue to read and understand all that is required for me to grow out of this humiliating situation. Its all thanks to you Melanie.
    Love and blessings

    July 26, 2017

    I have been reading and keeping up with all of your articles and you tube recordings. They have been a tremendous help to me and my fiance who is the one that went through a horrible 25 year relationship with a narcissist. He implemented the “No Contact” before I even started all my research on Narcissism and what it all meant. He has changed phone numbers 4 times in the last year and a half and I have changed mine 3 times. He had this last number the longest (8 months) and we were feeling pretty “ok” and then here we go. You guessed it! She found out his number and this last week she has called 4 times with of course no answer at the other end. And now a couple days ago she sends a text that simply said “I LOVE YOU” all in big caps just like I wrote it. We “thought” she had New supply and don’t get me wrong, she still may have him there, I have done enough research to know just because she tried contact again doesn’t mean that there is no one else there. I was just curious how long (and I realize everyone is different) this “no contact” thing has to go on before she quits trying to get in touch with him. He has not reacted one single time to ANY of her antics, which have included trying to slander MY good name with Smear Campaigns, going back and forth from Oh how sorry she is to How dare he think about being with another woman. I just wondered what the longest period of hoovering you had ever heard of to go on before the N tires of it and realizes that the person is DONE!!

    August 6, 2017

    Please help I really need some advice. I had a very brief relationship with my unmarried pastor 17 years my senior while i was vunerable having just come out of an abusedive relationship with a narrisct. What I didn’t know is this person was also a narrisct on a much greater level than I had experienced before. Thanks to your website I saw the warning signs and when he did his normal ” dance ” of breaking up I agrreded and left and went no contact after the initial harassment.
    I changed my phone number but not my email.

    I avioded the church for weeks then he left to go away for 4 weeks so I returned in his absent but he returned and made up lies and informed other people I’ve befriended that I have accused them of things that weren’t true he’s taken so much out of context and created a horrible situation asking me to formal meetings. I’ve not responded to him at all or even tried defending myself to the church.

    The other issues is his best friend if 17 years witnessed how crazy he treated me & left his grip having woke up to what he was this has infuriated him as he believed it my fault there friendship ended. She WAS his biggest supply for years she having recovery and has gone zero contact after abusive rants and suicide threats.

    I live in a small town where he lives very close to me and bumping into all the church people will happen what an earth do I say to defend myself without getting caught up in his energy supplying ” Drama”

    Please help

    August 7, 2017

    I need help again. I bought the program but I am not good with technology. My old laptop was Windows 7 now I have Windows 10 and it has me paralyzed. I don’t know how to access things from Melanie, I don’t know how to save things in an organized manner and be able to find them any time. I started making a notebook and trying so hard to be organized with paper and pen but that did not solve two problems….where things are and how to file them and how quanta works. I feel it is like I am doing mumbo jumbo that has no meaning. I must be missing a lot of the point of how Melanie helps people as I am not getting it. I had a bad, long seizure and I have some cognitive issues at times but I hope to be able to make this work for me. I have complex PTSD, have been in several treatment centers about childhood abuse and violence being done to me. I am 68 and still trying to learn. I am alone, no friends, no family nearby. I am still with the N and he is using me financially and being sexually unfaithful to me with no regret. He seems to have no conscience and does not believe in monogamy from him but feels I should be faithful TO him. I don’t want anyone else. I just want him to be nice and be only with me. I have a major flaw, I am a pack rat of sorts, boxes of papers that I am afraid to throw away fill my garage, office and are piled in other stacks. I could not be on Hoarders show but I realize this is not good. That is the only thing he finds fault with me for and I agree with him. I have severe anemia and no energy so I don’t make much progress, in fact, things keep getting worse…and it is all my fault. So, right now I am away from him for three weeks and I suspect he will be unfaithful a lot. I am staying across the US on the other coast and the house I am in is worse toxic than my own but two seven months old infants have my heart and I wanted to be with them every time I leave them. When I am with him, I miss them. When I am with them, I miss him. At least I am never alone on west coast. Can someone mentor me how to do Melanie’s program for someone who has a severe learning disability? I taught school quite effectively for 30 plus years but seizure made that career end. I need help in multiple ways. Beverly

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2017

      Hi Beverley,

      if you please email one of the support staff will help you get set up with NARP properly.

      Please do know Beverley that NARP is a self-help program that we can help coach you with, but other people can’t do the healing for you. And please know if you do need additional help that is more hands on – then other options may also be appropriate for you.

      Mel xo

    Tara Wilson Black
    September 26, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for this article, our son developed NPD aged 14 and for the past 7 years, I have suffered what you described as narcissistic abuse. Worse the people around me, family & friends don’t believe a normal child/teen can develop NPD and they have blamed us his parents for his actions (manipulation, lies and resentment etc). We have had 7 years of torment, finger pointing and blame from those who should have supported us in helping our son understand NPD instead of enabling him to live in a world alongside it. He’s 21 now and does not live with us. I have no contact with him for the past 3 months (I am heartbroken he is our firstborn) We love him dearly, we just couldn’t live with the manipulation, lies and consistent blame anymore. How do you heal when the narcissist is your son, your child and your world? How do you help them understand their behaviour has torn our family apart?

    I hope you don’t mind, I linked to your page, this article when I wrote my blog about my experience raising our son. I wrote the blog before I knew anything about narcissists I was writing about my experience raising a troubled teen. Your article has resonated so much with me, I believe it has actually saved me from insanity.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 28, 2017

      Hi Tara,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      Your situation is so painful … I truly believe the only thing we can do is heal ourselves back to wholeness and who can and will follow will be there. We also can learn to healthily have boundaries and even let go of what can’t or won’t.

      It the only way the pain stops from key narcissistic people – and especially a child.

      Maybe this publication of mine can help:

      I hope it can and my heart goes out to you.

      I wish you and yours healing and relief.

      Mel xo

    November 15, 2017


    I appreciate the help you extend here, and I admit I’ve only read some of it so may have missed a resource that would answer my question. What is the best help for someone who notices narcissistic tendencies in themselves and wants to change but find it very difficult to so. My husband calls me a narcissist; and when he tries no contact, it hurts me immensely to the point of anger at being unable to control the distance he is creating from me. I very much dislike when he talks of how I suck life from him and that he is better off when he separates from me; but as I read through what you say here, I can see how distance would help me since it feels toxic next to him. I see in myself seeking of “supply,” and it scares me. Even as I write this, I see it as a form of seeking that supply. I admit to having never felt adequate growing up and having little healthy sense of love, for others or myself. My marriage is very tumultuous, and sometimes I think my husband is the narcissist who I allow to play mind games with me. Growing up and even now, most people think very highly of me and never see the wrestle I feel inside. I wonder if this fed into these narcissistic tendencies. My husband, however, has a near endless list of my faults. I have a hard time making sense of it all, if I’m the narcissist or if he is, or if it’s just my own worth issues I grew up with. Any suggestions are welcome!

    Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 15, 2017

      Hi Rosee,

      I am so pleased that I can help you and please know you are very welcome 🙂

      Please know that all of our behaviour codependent or/ and narcissistic comes from inner trauma. The NARP Program addresses this trauma and is the most powerful way to heal from it

      Regarding your marriage as you heal and empower you will be more able to work out “what is mine” and “what is his” and be able to show up more authentically and lovingly and set boundaries when you need to if he isn’t.This will either inspire him to rise and heal or you will be able to let go and heal.

      Either way you “win” as in being able to create your True Life.

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

    January 8, 2019

    Hi Mel, thanks for this information. i have been in therapy, however, the therapist is not trained in Narcississtic covert abuse. I have signed up for your blog and am trying to understand it all. I have a different scenario I am living through at the moment. My soninlaw i believe is a golden child of his narcissistic mother. I did not pay attention to all the warning signs or my gut feelings for the last 6 years since my daughter married him. I have a 3 year old granddaughter and now 4 months ago we have a beautiful grandson. However, the day he was born the mother in law was verbally abusive to me while I was holding him and my son in law distracted my daughter so she did not notice the verbal attack. Now every time I go to their house my son in law is verbally abusing me when my daughter is not in the room and I am sure his mother is behind it. I am at a loss. My daughter is my only child and my only grandchildren. Now my daughter is starting to ignore me and my granddaughter is changed towards me as well. I want to scream and yell her what is going on but she will not believe me. My heart is breaking. I greatly appreciate any info you can provide. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 9, 2019

      Hi Ann,

      I am so sorry you are going through this. That is incredibly painful.

      My work is all about doing the healing inside us to change what is happening outside us. In other words to empower us to generate another reality.

      The first step to understanding that is here:

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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