It is so interesting that, until we start turning inwards to self-partner and purposefully evolve ourselves, we may think that focusing on and trying to stop, change or combat the narcissist is what disarms them.
This is a totally false premise – it’s Wrong Town!
We have no power to change anyone let alone disarm them –and in fact when we try to beat the narcissist at their own game, we usually find ourselves up to our neck in toxic drama, battles and abuse … at levels that we could barely fathom, let alone believe we would start experiencing as our own personal nightmare.
Trying to “get even” is not what is going to hurt a narcissist, it actually feeds them, it brings you right into the arena that they love to occupy the most. It hands them narcissistic supply (attention) on a silver plate. It allows them the significance that you have been affected significantly by them.
There is a much more conclusive way to beat a narcissist, and to effectively disarm them … and that is to remove yourself in every way from their Energy Field. I have used the expression “Energy Field” to allow you to understand that there is really nothing “worldly”, “normal” or “logical” about what has taken place with a narcissist.
It is like a soul takeover of mammoth proportions that needs nothing LESS than Quantum understandings and application to de-tox and get clean from.
It’s very important to realise that what hurts and affects the narcissist the most – more than any other injury – is when you evolve yourself to the place whereby they NO longer exist in any shape of form to you.
You may believe that you have to completely evict them out of your Life to get to this place. I promise you – you don’t. There are people within the Thriver Community who have been able to exorcise the narcissist from every nook and cranny of their psyche and Inner Being and been able to work in the same building, see them at a family function or even co-parent with them and felt no emotional hooks or triggers whatsoever.
When a narcissist becomes totally benign to you, where what they do feels within your Being as irrelevant, the narcissist has to take their energy elsewhere.
Because narcissists will only exert energy if there is the payoff of narcissistic supply. Without narcissistic supply they would be engulfed by the inner chasm of their self-annihilating wounds, and narcissistic supply is the drug that self-medicates them away from a catatonic breakdown.
It’s a necessity that the narcissist must have and needs to source as a constant supply. If you are not offering it up, the narcissist has to take their tormenting attention and intentions elsewhere.
How do we take ourselves firmly off the “narcissistic supply menu?”
By evolving ourselves beyond the hooks and the enmeshments by meeting and healing our original wounded parts within us, that have unconsciously allowed us to be susceptible to being abused, punished and sucked dry.
Let’s look at the essential five steps to disarming the narcissist’s hold on us and laying a solid foundation for our recovery.
Step 1: Breaking All Forms of Communication
This is where No Contact comes into play. This is about taking yourself out of the game and away. Many of us, including myself, had to do a lot of work to let go at this level – because as much as the narcissist was addicted to us to get narcissistic supply – we are also addicted to them to try to force them to be the savior of our wounds that had been activated so demonstratively inside of us.
For many of us in this Community, it wasn’t until we turned inwards to meet and heal our wounds of the terror of criticism, abandonment, rejection or punishment, that were leftovers from our childhood or ancestral DNA, that we felt solid and whole enough to do No Contact for real.
And for all of us getting off the “drug” of contact became as important as a heroin addict giving up heroin, because when we finally mean No Contact it is about so MUCH more than not allowing the narcissist to hurt us; the most important thing is the stand we take that’s states: I will no longer hurt myself.
The understanding being that this person was not our salvation or the answer to our wholeness. This was the declaration of: I will do everything now in my power to self-partner, heal and be that Source to myself.
There may be practical reasons where initially you can’t go No Contact – this may be because of working in the same building as a narcissist – or co-parenting with one. If this is the case, boundaries are required so that you have minimal contact and don’t continue to hand over narcissistic supply.
And please know if you still haven’t signed up for your FREE New Life Starter package one of your two 2 fee eBooks is a complete guide to No Contact.
Step 2: Healing Beyond the Emotional Connection
This is the next essential step, because physical No Contact or Modified Contact is not enough. You may still be handing over energy emotionally – meaning that the feelings, trauma and thoughts about the narcissist still have a life of their own within you. If this is the case, you will still be suffering the effects of narcissistic abuse symptoms such as PTSD.
Many people believe not granting narcissistic supply is enough – such as applying the Gray Rock method, but I promise you it isn’t.
At the emotional level is where the real work is – this is where we clean up all the reasons why we feel like we have no closure yet, why we feel so aggrieved, hurt, devastated and betrayed.
This is the releasing of all of the trauma that has been wedged in our Inner Being that is causing us to feel so wounded and devastated as well as why we feel like we can’t get this person out of our heart and head.
I promise you that the thoughts in your head are being generated from the trauma in your body, and it’s the emotional purging – the releasing of our trauma literally out of the cells of our Being that finally gets us out of the emotional and mental bowels of hell.
Generally, before we start working with body work (the inner work) we may believe it is ethereal, fanciful and not real. And I concur, I used to think like this too, because we can’t see inner trauma physically … even though we may realise emotions (once we become conscious) are the drivers of our Life.
Quantum Scientists, such as Bruce Lipton, now bring us the knowledge that our emotional drivers generated from Inner Identity composition (our beliefs – wounded or healthy) dictate 90-95 % of our entre life!
Just because we can’t go to a doctor and get an X-ray and he reads the results, “Mrs. Jones I’m sorry to say you have a 10-pound resentment trauma wedged inside you” doesn’t mean that the dense energy of trauma doesn’t exist, or that it isn’t creating dis-ease, powerlessness and victimisation in ways that are deeply impactful in our life.
And even though we can’t see or even measure our internal trapped trauma, the proof is irrefutable how when we energetically target it and release it that, just like a boil that has been lanced of pus, healing enters where the trauma once was.
So I truly can’t emphasize this step enough.
Creating No Contact or Modified Contact is NOT enough, it’s the prelude to the real foundational work which is Step 2. It grants you the space to do the essential inner healing work.
Trying to get well from an extreme trauma such as narcissistic abuse – whilst trying to survive the inner unreleased trapped trauma – is trying to exist with inner emotional landmines being regularly detonated that are draining your Life-force even when they are not being triggered off.
This means the copious amount of energy being tied up in survival is not free to be utilized for all the good stuff (that we will talk about in more detail in Step 5) such as joy, creation and inspiration.
Please know the mental, physical, spiritual and even financial bodies all start re-setting to health once you clean up and heal the emotional connection away from the narcissist and back to yourself, because as the famous neuron Scientist Jo Dispenza states, “The brain follows the body ALWAYS.”
And … the intense psychic connection – the literal psychic vandalisation that has occurred with the narcissist also heals.
Step 3: Build Your Inner Identity
I purposefully used the term build instead of re-build – because in the Thriver Way to heal for real, naturally at first we want relief and to get some power, hope and life-force back into Inner Being and Life – but ultimately we are working towards losing our Old Self and becoming a much more evolved and empowered New Self.
We don’t want to just survive narcissistic abuse with all the usual accompaniments of a diminished psyche, health and trust and a reduced ability to generate a great life … rather we wish to Thrive as a result of what happened to us.
We stop holding the narcissist, whoever that may be, responsible and accountable for our own wellbeing and we knuckle down to clearing our traumas that caused us to show up emotionally as a still wounded child trying to make someone else be the “parent” … and we heal and grow these parts up to a confident, solid inner maturity.
We make it our greatest mission to self-actualise our evolution beyond the previously wounded parts of ourselves that were handing power away and seeking outer false substitutes to grant us love, approval, security or survival.
What Thriving looks like is this: It is the coming into wholeness as a result of releasing our wounds and creating the space inside us for our innate True Nature to emerge; which is life-force, health, solidness and peace, and the starting to organically experience unconditional joy.
So many of us, even before narcissistic abuse, were simply going through the paces … we were living but maybe we were not truly alive. Maybe we felt like life was tough and we had to always battle to survive it, or to get any decent slice of it.
Maybe we took on many of these limiting and painful beliefs from our ancestors, as well as from our collective programmed human experience … and it definitely matched what we knew as our own experienced “reality”.
However, when we leave behind the traumas and beliefs that are the “normal” human experience that we were living as our “normal”, we find that we start experiencing life completely differently.
Our Identity shifts from a mere survivor to an ever-expanding Thriver, not just in relation to the people we have suffered trauma from, but in every area of our Life.
We start having access to activities, people, opportunities and dreams that we simply couldn’t access before – things that we used to feel only happened to other people. Things that we could never truly imagine or feel as real for ourselves, all of of a sudden come into view…. as doors, feelings and possibilities open everywhere we look.
This New Identify of a True Self is a place where narcissists don’t play. Rather, they are stuck in lower vibrational realities of fear, pain, separation, competition and feeling left out, chopped off, unworthy and unloved – hence their relentless behavior of having to control, take and deceive in order to emotionally survive.
Once we start entering the natural organic trajectory of Wellbeing and Life-force that is already pre-coded in our DNA – as a result of releasing the trauma that was inhibiting that flow entering us and expressing itself through is – we become inoculated against narcissists.
We yin, they yang; they belong in a completely different vibrational Universe
It is like you graduated from the School of Hard Knocks and entered Evolutionary College.
Step 4: Connecting to the True Source
One of the essential steps that I have discovered is pertinent in Thriver Recovery is this: Connecting to a True Source as your Power Source. This is a Higher Power – whatever a Higher Power means to you.
Please know my beliefs are not that of any particular structured religion; I embrace people seeking a Higher Power through any channel they wish.
To me a Higher Power is all encompassing – it is “All That Is”. I believe this Higher Power is the consciousness of Life-force itself that is responsible for all Life as we know it. It makes the flowers bloom in all the glory of their intricate patterns, colors and detail, just as is dictates how our intensely complicated trillions of chemical processes go on within ours bodies daily, without us having any conscious control or understanding of them.
This almighty force is BIGGER than us. Yet I believe in the Quantum World of connected Oneness that it IS us – it is our super-conscious that is connected to all permutation, miracle and possibility, and is the greater part of our psyche that is reportedly “unused”.
I believe that when we Go Quantum and start tapping into and aligning with the power of our super-conscious – by getting our small, fearful and defensive parts (that try to take control instead) out of the way – we start to experience our True Power.
This is our True Connection, or true sustenance which releases us into knowing at the deepest level of our being (cellular reactivated knowing) that we are adored, and flourished and nourished beyond measure simply because we exist.
And we drop all of the trauma of needing to earn love and approval. We lose our programmed unworthiness in regard to our Higher Power’s complete unconditional love for us.
I believe that this Higher Power requires nothing from us. What could “All There Is” possible need? And I believe that this Higher Power awaits us always, ever-ready to partner us and fill us with the wholeness, joy, inspiration and love that is Who We Really Are when we get our wounded parts out of the way.
And when we fill we become whole unconditionally. No longer do we need False Outer Substitutes to try to feel whole.
I have an upcoming video about this exact topic coming VERY soon!
My healing process, Quanta Freedom Healing, and the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program incorporates this very important element – The Higher Self Component – because without it we struggle to heal from the “unhealable” aspect of narcissistic abuse, and with it we precisely and powerfully can.
Step 5: The Generation of Our Own Life
The Higher Power of Life-force, flowing through us as us, loves “expansion”. This is the very nature of the Universe and the cellular coded truth of Who We Really Are.
When expanding that is Life-force expressing itself … it is “The God Particle / Oneness” in it’s most vital and joyous form.
Contraction is the opposite, it is the dying off of Life-force.
If you take a step forwards with conscious expansion, then your Higher Power will grant you more inspiration, momentum and opportunities.
The only reason we don’t expand as Life-force itself, is because the wounds inside us are bringing us fear. The energy we are expending trying to survive our wounds has not been released or made room for creation yet.
We can stay stuck in comfort zones – yet they are never comfortable – because they are denying the very nature of the Universe inside and outside of us.
This is why in the Thriver Way we meet our fears. We go directly to our inner wounds and we release them, so that they no longer control our lives and so that we are free to expand.
No longer are we trying to live – we become Life-force itself.
If you have addressed the preceding steps, you will naturally have made it your biggest commitment to meet your fears directly, to not let them take you out of the game of Life. You will commit to meeting them in your body, shifting them out and creating “space” in your cells.
That space is where the juice is! Creating the space is when the good stuff comes rushing in, (often instantaneously) granting you the power to expand beyond your previous Identity.
Then naturally, or with very little fear, you will feel uncontainable – you will want to go do what you never had the courage to do before now. It will feel like the emotional next step for you, because expansion harnessed gains momentum to become even more expansion.
That is what growing means. And if we are not growing we are not evolving, we are dissolving. The former feels joyous, whilst the latter feels like anxiety, fear and depression – letting us know this is NOT our True Self!
Strive to Thrive by doing what you haven’t done that you want to do. If blocks or fears come up then shift them out – which then creates more space for you to expand again.
Expansion is Life-force, it isn’t Quasi-Life. Narcissists are Life suckers and diminishers, not expanders and life-granters, and I promise you that when you have this actualized for real, you will be in a train leaving the Narcissism Station behind you in a cloud of dust … for ever.
Let’s condense these steps into an easy to know format …
The first step is undoubtedly to 1) create Modified or No Contact, so that we can have the space to progress into 2) releasing the trauma from your Being, and healing the parts of you that require healing to wholeness. From that essential platform we have the ability to 3) create a Thriver Identity, and 4) connect to our True Source and then 5) Expand as Life-force Itself.
By doing so, I promise you will be freer than you ever believed possible.
I look forward, as always to your comments and questions below.