Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Rebuild The Dream The Narcissist Tore Down

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
61
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Do you relate to this?

When I first met the narcissist, I thought I had finally come home to my dream life.

Yet, as time passed it became more and more evident that the dream life with him was never going to be real, let alone last.

In order to hold onto the belief that my life would turn out exactly as I hoped, I had to make excuses, rationalise his behaviour and pretty much downright lie to myself.

Until, I finally decided enough was enough … and by the time I did, I was looking at my life smashed to pieces in a pile of rubble all around me.

Losing the dream life that we thought was our reality with a narcissist is torturous.

It’s one of the HARDEST things to heal from.

How on earth were we to know that “creating dreams together” was never the narcissist’s intentions, or even desire … at all!?

In fact, the aspirations and goals that you have, that the narcissist so professed to partner you with, are truly unimportant to him or her.

And like the sanctity of your emotions and soul, the narcissist is well and truly capable and willing to throw all and sundry – including your dreams – under a bus in order to be right and preserve his or her ego.

You know that to be true because you have suffered the brunt of that, or are seeing with your own eyes how that unfolds.

Sooo … how do we recover from this?

Many people in contemporary Abuse Communities never do.

But as Thrivers, I am SO happy to say – we can and regularly do.

And in fact, many of us have been able to experience the profound process of losing it all to get it all – connecting to the alignment of the True Dream that Life REALLY has in store for us.

In no shape or form, after narcissistic abuse do we need to give up our dreams …

In fact, after narcissistic abuse we have the ability to create them for REAL, enjoy them unconditionally and never fear losing them again.

This episode explains how, after going through the most horrendous losses of our life, we can connect to our True Self and the only Life that would ever genuinely gratify our soul.

I hope with all of my heart this episode can inspire you to know that there IS life after narcissistic abuse, because it is my greatest mission to help you, like myself, one day get to enjoy the glory of that.

Because that is your birthright!

And … as always … I adore hearing from you with your comments …. and I love to help, so please post any questions that you have.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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61 Thoughts on How To Rebuild The Dream The Narcissist Tore Down
  • wendymosh@live.com'
    wendy
    May 17, 2017

    You are so amazing. Thanks you for your wisdom and truth.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2017

      Hi Wendy,

      awww Bless!

      Thank you for your lovely words … we are ALL amazing – everyone who takes on the Thriver Way!

      It’s my absolute pleasure Dear Lady!

      Mel xo

    • fionaoliver@totallyemail.co.uk'
      Fiona
      July 14, 2017

      Thank you Mel. You are my rock. x

  • Sweetestbluebird@gmail.com'
    Karyn
    May 17, 2017

    Melanie, you hit this one out of the park! Before I lost everything I was a completely different person. My priorities were very immature and shallow, but I just didn’t know any better. I can see now that all of the material stuff I was so into was just to fill a hole that I didn’t even know I had. When all that was left was my mind and determination I began to realize what was truly important. I was meant to learn to be my own person and experience true freedom without limitations. Even though it was excruciating to let go of that life that I wanted more than anything with that person, it would have never brought true happiness just the hope from one day to the next for momentary happiness. I gave everything I had to try to make that happen, but who I am now and what I have is so much bigger, and I have new dreams to fulfill that I will see realized without depending on anyone else to make them happen.
    Thanks for all the support and encouragement- you know just how to put it all into perspective! Love XOXO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2017

      Hi Karyn,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you!

      Oh gosh that is so honest of you – and it was exactly the same for me …

      I LOVE what you learnt and took on and the joy and freedom of that!

      Yaya! Your post made me smile from ear to ear, I can feel the authenticity and limitless power in your words.

      So exciting Karyn! 🙂

      It is my joy and honour to share with you this stuff 🙂

      Mel xo

  • gudrun@shootoutcrew.co.za'
    Gudrun
    May 17, 2017

    Thank you, Mel, as always, for your insight and wisdom. I find myself nodding my head and saying “yes!” out loud when I watch your Thriver TV!

    We are human beings, not human doings.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2017

      Hi Gudrun,

      you are very welcome!

      We certainly are – and knowing that changes everything 🙂

      Thank you for your lovely comment!

      Mel xo

  • katherine@srifengshui.com.au'
    Katherine Sri
    May 17, 2017

    Thank you Melanie. It still amazes me, how your description of having a narcissist partner was so accurate to my experience, detail by detail. There appears to be such consistency in narcissist intimate relationships. Now I am starting to experience the joy of Life flowing through me and dreams beginning to appear possible. And the best dream, is partnering with my Self and Life. I continue to clear old wounds with QFH and feel the space and light gradually expand. I love this! Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2017

      Hi Katherine,

      it is my pleasure … I SO agree.

      A False Self acts in consistent ways … totally!

      I love that you are expanding as your True Self – it is such a pleasure being connected with you on this incredible journey we are so blessed to be having 🙂

      Much Love Dear Lady

      Mel xo

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    May 17, 2017

    Dear Melanie
    Do you think that someone either is a narcissist or isn’t with no middle ground, nor chance of healing and growing themselves?
    I ask this as I’m trying to either get out or set firm boundaries with a new partner of two years (using NARP for past couple months but not continuously) HE is someone who has many narcissistic traits and alcohol issues – but also has the ability (it seems?) to reflect and understand when he does go very wrong. But it’s so draining for me and hard going I’ve basically ended it many times but struggled with no contact, esp as I knew him when I was young as a teenager, so have a kind of sense of security with him. I had my life shattering wake up calls in my mid twenties after 10 years of two back to back abusive and narcissistic relationships. However now at 41 I am a single parent of a 7 year old and the father of my son was a narc, who I broke off from when pregnant for the sake of me and my child so it never got too intense or abusive. (he barely sees my son). I see the patterns clearly in life that have not been healed (inc with my father and even my mother who also behaved in a narcissistic and abusive way) and so now this may the the relationship which is the final wake up call – but I’m not sure?? He is very in tune and and loving at times, my son loves him now (not at first) and even my cat loves him! I have my own struggles not to behave in a narc way with my son at times even though I’m a highly sensitive empath.( This is due to my upbringing – plus there is a lot of unrecognised aspergers/autistic spectrum in my family) So I see that my current on/off partner (who does not live with me) is very immature, possibly on the spectrum, is gifted and intuitive but I’m just not clear on if he is capable of loving sincerely and building the shared dream as you say or not – even though he desperately wants it? Or if he uses his intuition just to hook me in for fear of losing me. I am see he is stuck in ruts of behaviors and I think it holds me back at times but also I have some good moments where I see his strengths – although this may be just the addiction to our very passionate and intense relationship. Not sure if I’m clinging on to hope and dreams whilst on a sinking ship!!
    Thank you for listening! Sophie xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2017

      Hi Sophie,

      I hear your quandary …

      And this is what I wish to say about this … it feels like you are in another frying pan … and the reason I say this is because you are deep in the confusion.

      Truly Dear Lady, when we decide our truths – as to what is or isn’t okay – then it has to be non-negotiable … because the deal is the Thriver journey is about loving ourselves MORE than we need others to love us.

      And we would expect others who love us to live the same truth – because otherwise you have two broken individuals trying to get wholeness from each other … which isn’t possible.

      The only way anyone can produce “wholeness” is to be it themselves.

      “Wholeness” looks like this – I take full responsibility for my own stuff in regard to addictions … so … Is he doing that and off alcohol and on a program to stay off?

      It looks like this from your side of the fence, “I am not sick as a result of being involved in addictions that hurt me and others and I will not accept it from others in my life. They can continue if they wish away from me, but to be intimate with me it can’t continue.”

      The truth of life is we GET what we will ALLOW …

      This is only in relation to the alcohol … and we can take this solidness, integrity and truth through to other essential ingredients – such as actions need to match words, maturity, kindness, reliability … and of course people will have their stuff – but is this their goal?

      Is this what they are healing and working towards as a priority in their life?

      If not – their capacity to “be” a healthy team member in a relationship is severely stunted if the behaviour is not consistent with this now.

      The real questions are: “Who DO we want to be?” “What DO we want in our Life?”

      If it isn’t that … then state your truth, have bottom lines and if he can’t and doesn’t move up with you into that higher vibration, then the space is cleared for who and what can.

      And as Thrivers we heal ever insecure young part of us wanting to cling on to what is not our Highest Truths, that’s how we can confidently and surely let go and stay away from what isn’t serving us any longer.

      That is the dedicated NARP inner work.

      I hope this helps you Sophie ..

      Mel xo

  • steven@rushhourentertainment.com.au'
    Steven Caperna
    May 17, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you. You words are so helpful.Can’t help but to have a big crush on you.?

  • mary.mcconnell@rogers.com'
    Mary
    May 17, 2017

    OMGosh Melanie, you spoke true knowing straight to my heart for I have started to feel what you are describing in this video!! A lot of times I may watch a video or read something like this, but it wouldn’t resonate or be a truth for myself because I hadn’t yet experienced what the person was talking about so I didn’t “get it” … yet, this time I “get it” and it is sooooooo true!!

    My narcissistic experience was the epitome of my dream come true … setting up a charity in Haiti with a Haitian partner and my “soulmate”, something I had dreamed about for as long as I can remember. As time went on my life, heart, soul and dream were slowly destroyed by this man whose only true intention for me was as his meal ticket out of poverty and into being a hero in the community that we were helping and living. It was all a lie and nearly destroyed me financially and emotionally. It took a looooong time for me to let that dream go and only now, three years later, is my heart opening to the possibility that another, even better dream is what the Universe has in store for me.

    Your video hit the mark bang on my head as it reached those stirrings and feelings that are just starting to sprout within and that I see glimpses of happening in my life and in my heart … so THANK YOU again … you just started off my morning with a smile in my heart and with hope and inspiration in my spirit!!

    ~ Mary xo
    Ontario, Canada

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2017

      Hi Mary,

      it is always such a wonderful feeling when we really embody information as truth!!

      I am so happy for you that you are now contacting and feeling those stirrings in your soul of “yes, its’ time to be ME!!”

      Bless you Dear Lady!

      Mel xo

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    May 17, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    this is probably my favourite episode!! I can relate to every single word you’ve said. The moment I drifted apart from the Narc was when I realized that my dreams were really unimportant to him (actually, he said that out loud! XD), and he could only “love” me if I was not “out of sight”! How crazy is that? He has been sabotaging me for so long and at a crucial stage of my life and that has been the worst part to recover from. When I let go of everything, the only thing that kept stinging was how I betrayed myself allowing him to do that, and how it “delayed” all the things I wanted to do in life. It is a resentment that I’ve carried way longer than my actual interest in him. Which was unfortunate because at the same time, I was experiencing very clearly how losing it all helped me to became myself again, and my path in life quickly became quite clear. In the past days though I have experienced a spontaneous shift in regard to this topic. I just suddenly felt more “at peace” with this that I’ve ever been. I felt that the life we had together was so NOT compatible with me (not even the parts where he wasn’t mean) that it showed me what is really “not my path”. It all made sense somehow and I am not feeling as angry at myself or at him or at life for the years I’ve spent in a life that was not my own. Now it feels like it was just a temporary detour, like going on a trip far from home for a while… Who knows, maybe the shifts I am doing on MY OWN traumas are clearing this well ? It is a beautiful feeling, I hope it lasts. xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      I am so pleased you enjoyed this!

      You truly are connecting to the truth about this … and as a NARPer please know this is not about “I hope this feeling will last” … the orientation instead can be – and is so empowering to be – “if something else comes up for me on this, I’ll NARP Module it out release it and go up to next Highest Freest version of myself.”

      Welcome that … EXACTLY that happening if that is what is required to go “higher”.

      I hope the helps Sweet Lady.

      Mel xo

      • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
        Lady Jedi
        May 18, 2017

        Thank you Mel for pointing that out…It is liberating to know that we don’t have to “get it right” and when something arises, it has its purpose. It’s great that you remind me, since I forget it often 😛

        Love xoxo

  • ellenjeane@msn.com'
    Wendi
    May 17, 2017

    I just got free from my narcissist and your videos have really helped me so much to understand what happened to me and how to heal. Three years ago I kicked him out after 5 years of emotional and physical abuse and cheating on me as a form of punishment for me. After a year he convinced me that it was important to stay friends otherwise our years would have been a waste. I set the terms but slowly over the last three years he got me back into the negative situation I was in before, minus the physical abuse, but he was using me to suit his needs till he could find a replacement. I didn’t realize this till after I helped him find a new gal, helped him plan his dates and gave him advice and encouragement, went shopping with him to get him new clothes and shoes so he looked good. Looking back now I see that he got me to the stage of willingly being used by him. Soon they were dating and then my use was over. He started being severely emotionally abusive and controlling. Telling me where I could no longer go in town (he was afraid she would find out about his recent past from me, despite my assurances I wouldn’t say a word). Then a family member of mine passed and his response to my not being available for him because I was grieving was that I needed to get over it because “everyone dies, your mother will die, your father, brothers and sister and even you so get used to it”. It was the last thing I needed while grieving. He called the day after apologizing, saying he didn’t mean it and he said it out of spite only because I was being a “cold fish” when he was trying to give me happy news about his new girl…apparently not being happy to talk to someone when you are freshly grieving makes me a cold fish. I asked why he said what he did and his response was he felt hurt so he hurt me. Some apology. So I knew I had fallen back into the old pattern with him…I felt stupid, I knew better. If only I had found your site after my breakup and not during my second breakup of our friendship that followed, I wonder if I could have saved myself the pain. But this time i now knew I had to cut contact forever finally. But because of his spiteful reactions to my attempts to break contact before (coming to my home, physically forcing me to listen to what he had to say or holding me emotionally or situationally hostage till I complied with his conditions and demands) I had to make a safe escape and only on my terms this time. So i ghosted him, blocked him on my phone, and with FB I changed the settings so he would see nothing new that I posted or that people posted to my page. My fear was that if I went full blackout all at once he would be banging on my door demanding an explanation….hes done that before. I’m just tired of letting him make me feel so worthless and like I’m not allowed to exist in my own little town.

    I told our mutual friends what was going on and what I was doing and they were very supportive. But I live in a small town, and I know I’ll run into him and his new girl at some point. it’s been three months but the thought of it scares me and makes me wish I had never helped him find that girl in the first place. Because before he was dating he would never hang out in town, so I was free to be at the market and all my favorite places without fear of seeing him. But just yesterday a friend mentioned seeing them at a cafe I’m very often at, apparently I had just missed them thankfully. Then I was told how he’s recreating everything with her that I had done with him, which really weirded me out. But now knowing for sure he is taking her to my fave place to impress her I feel myself feeling violated again. it’s so silly, and I hate feeling like this over something that seems so small and stupid. But how do I stop caring about running into him and his new girl and how can I finally stop letting him have to much power over me to make me terrified to the point of shaking just at the thought of running into him? I thought i was doing better, I hadn’t thought about him for months and I was feeling free for the first time in 8 years, but now I’m at work crippled in this mixture of anger, anxiety and fear…How do I get free, I’m at a complete loss on what to do. I know this is more to do with me and my trauma than him, but I just want my life back and I was really making progress, but if i can’t handle this little moments like this how will I ever really get it back?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2017

      Hi Wendi,

      my heart goes out to you and this part hurts so much …

      I promise you there is no way to logically get relief and closure … and you have tried that …as we all did.

      There is a completely different way to heal and I would love to invite you to connect to that.

      It starts with reading my free resources I would love to link you into:

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • stellann@live.co.uk'
    S
    May 17, 2017

    Realised yet another reason why it’s so hard to let go and accept after 4 years left to save me and my children’s lives still can’t believe it I am having Councelling and using your wisdom to help me as iam still deeply grieving after a 20 year marriage where I thought I was so happy but could then feel like running away
    from myself the pain was so bad that he caused I was not materialistic and lost all my hair due to the stress etc when he abused me physically and my children.

  • jill.phillips@nl.rogers.com'
    jill
    May 17, 2017

    Thanks Melanie,
    I was just amazed by your video, you described my life exactly. It’s such as relief to know that I am not the only one in this situation. That I was not the only one discounting my beliefs and values and abilities.
    I was married to a narcissist for decades and its been so hard trying settling the divorce because its still all about his ego. Then I met the ‘man of my dreams’, who turned out to be a ‘nice narcissist’, very charming but still it was all about feeding his ego. I thought we had such an amazing life planned together, I gave up my career, moved 3,500 miles away and now see that 3 years later none of our planned future will ever happen. I have overwhelming money problems and at a time that I should be retiring, I now face going back to work.
    At last I can begin to make sense of this, so now I have to let go of some things and see the true value in myself. An old Kelly Clarkson song comes to mind ‘Standing in Front of You”, I need to play that song while looking in the mirror and recognize that all my dreams are in front of me and that the person who can do this is standing in front of me, in the mirror …….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2017

      Hi Jill,

      it’s my pleasure.

      I am glad this helped and I am wishing you strength and healing.

      Mel xo

  • Obrien315@gmail.com'
    Catherine
    May 18, 2017

    Melanie. You are a God send. Your personal message resonates with me and I am thrilled you have the means to put it out to the world in desperate need of renewal.

    I have forward this site to as many people as I can and pray they have the grace to hear your testimony.

    I cannot thank you enough.

  • vera_felgie@hotmail.com'
    VAF
    May 18, 2017

    Hi Melanie
    I appreciate everything that you are sharing to help all of us.
    My son is married to a narcissist and it is getting worse and worse..and now he is losing contact with all of his family, didn’t hear from him on Mother’s Day, nor did he come around at Christmas or Thanksgiving, he is not responding to text or voicemail messages and I am broken. I can’t share any of the information that you bring to us because I can’t reach him. They moved in October and he hasn’t let me know where he lives…they had another baby in February – have not met her, haven’t seen my grandson in 2 years (he is 1 and will be 3), my son has not shared any pictures with us and posts nothing on Facebook and Instagram is private to everyone. It is like none of them exist. He has slowly stopped reaching back to me when I have contacted him. I am just heartsick and it feels like a death. In fact, My mom died a year and 1/2 ago and it feels like he and his 2 children died from my life too. I can’t understand why he is being so mean to me by not contacting me, and by keeping me out of his life and his children’s lives. I cannot believe he has let this control of his wife take him over – he has always been strong and not let anyone walk all over him. He is empathetic and a really good person and works in the mental health industry…yet doesn’t “see” what is going on. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how much longer I can endure watching this and not being able to reach him back to support him – and wake him up to what he is in.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2017

      Hi VA,

      I am so sorry you are going through this.

      please know the first step is you healing yourself.

      There are many, many people in this Community in your position who have taken on the Inner Work to first get relief for self (which is the number one priority) and then often to generate the miracle regarding the people they love.

      Please look up my resources regarding Our Children (google my name + children) – and please know the EXACT same solutions apply for your situation.

      Mel xo

      • vera_felgie@hotmail.com'
        V.
        May 18, 2017

        Hi Melanie, thank you for your thoughtfulness. I could not find children as adults, with a narcissist, and how to help. I am so concerned with every passing day. In fact I completely regret following advice I had been given (not by you) to just let him figure it out. We were always in contact with each other and then slowly he became more distant, didn’t reply, one day turned into weeks and then months. He is 33 so he is not a child, but my child, and my gut feelings and concern are the same as if he were a child and I wanted to protect him from bad things happening. I can’t reach him to have a conversation – not a visit, or a cup of coffee, and he’s not at the end of the telephone either. It’s like he is in a worn torn country and I can’t find him – although I know where he is. He is being brainwashed and doesn’t know it and isolated. All of the history and memories and love that he had seems to be forgotten by him…seems he is not weighing any of what was before to what is now…do you have a link or information that will help rescue him…

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    rose
    May 18, 2017

    I just spoke to my friend for an hour about dreaming again, and got off the phone to find your email…amazing. I am in court next week, trying to finalize my divorce, my daughter just finished college, and is moving out, and I just lost my job. It is a brilliant and scary place to be in, husbandless, kidless, jobless….for now.

    One day, about six years ago, I fell to my knees and cried out to God, ‘I can’t take it anymore. Whatever it takes, do it.’ This point of surrender, was a deep point of turning towards love, but what would follow, has been a journey of deep pain, and yet, a discovery of the light…the light which I adore. I always have had a ‘knowing’ that this was possible and I am beginning to taste a life lived from my centre. Yet my sense of self love and self compassion is still wobbly at times, and at times I even forget. But I come back, find my way back, and dive again in to what I call, my soup. All the parts that protect, manage, and defend that have been driving my life, that I built up to survive. And those parts that have been exiled, which I looked for in my narcs. Without integration, I will keep looking for what I have denied in myself, in others. As I own those exiled parts, and welcome them back in to my being, I no longer need to seek them in any one else. I am safe, I am loved. And my ability to love those around me, with boundaries, with non-reactive compassion, can only flow, from having given that to myself first. My passion and dreams are waiting, like the phoenix to rise again, and I feel that shift is within reach. This time, it is from truth and love grounded in reality.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2017

      Hi Rose,

      I adore what you have written from the heart, with deep soulful truth and passion.

      Keep spreading your Light Dear One!

      Mel xo

  • melaniedestcroix@me.com'
    Mel
    May 18, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thanks for this video.

    Your comments at the end regarding “precariously poising ourselves to get stuff” resonated with me because I feel as though I have been doing this all my life (and still fight this urge). I am proud to state that I am doing more exploring, self-partnering, and having more compassion for myself, but the dream that I fostered has died and that has been very difficult to mourn.

    I don’t know how to lean into mourning about the situation, which caused an irreversible and major loss in my life. I am launching into a new career, which has always been my dream and I am less encumbered by others’ opinions, and yet there is still a sense of grief.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2017

      Hi Mel,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      That is great that you are on your way – and aligned with the truth.

      For the grief, or any trapped internal painful trauma, check out NARP – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp – it is THE healing tool in this Community that releases all trauma (no matter what it is) – hence why people heal so fast and powerfully.

      I hope this helps.

      mel xo

  • Camillaabdulrahman@gmail.com'
    Camilla Abdulrahman
    May 18, 2017

    Melanie I have been watching al your videos since December ? 2016 , I’m 36 a single mother with 2young toddlers ,I was with there dad at 22 ,I was a sponge and all the holes i thought he could fill ,I was obsessed ,in love and smitten to death by him ,I put all my eggs in his basket ,he hit me ,abused me mentally ,emotionally and I even was close to losing my babies because of the trainwreck that was our relationship ,he cheated on me lots n lots of times ,he and I been in this /I have been on this hamster wheel for 12years ,only last year when he’s new girlfriend rang me and told me she was pregnant and loving with him ,did it HIT home ! I found myself dieing inside ,I just couldn’t believe it ,it was a nightmare ,I just didn’t know who to talk to,what to do and I knew it was him I thought I wanted but he didn’t want me or the babies we planned ,I subscribed to your videos and OMG MEL u are a beautiful ,powerful women ,I am a psychic ,psychometrist ,and when o watched your video about light workers it made so much sense to me ! I am going to court ,as he hit me again ,I am trying everyday to love me ,and I am setting healthy boundaries in my life and my children’s life ,thank u Mel for all U have shared ,I don’t feel so alone now and I feel the most powerful ,understanding of what I was in ! LIFE LIVES THROUGH US NOT TO US I will continue to talk and share what I have learned and still learning lots of love to you my friend ,xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2017

      Hi Camilla,

      big hugs and love to you and I am so pleased you are turning inwards to connect to your power and truth.

      There IS a way for sensitive souls (like us) to heal Camilla …

      We are meant to!

      I PROMISE you …

      Have you taken a deeper dive with my material Camilla? I would really love you to … because it will help you get to the next level – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      Mel xo

  • mk76@bigpond.com'
    mary
    May 18, 2017

    Thankyou Melanie.

    the insights you offer are gem…and your timing in my life is perfect. I am feeling shattered and drained finding out my husband of 25 years has been having ‘flings’ for most of that time. I have spoken to 3 of the women involved with him. He says he has changed and it will never happen again, but for me the trust factor is destroyed. I listened to your talk 3 times. You are right, I do need to let go… holding on …for what – just to protect him, I feel so so tired. Thannkyou

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2017

      Hi Mary,

      my heart goes out to you at this time, but I do so know there is life after for you.

      Bless you and sending hugs and healing.

      You’ve got this …

      Mel xo

  • myelowrose@gmail.com'
    LaVonda Wood Carter
    May 18, 2017

    Your messages are so healing. 10 months out & finally my happy self again. He texted me last Monday out of the blue but I Know he’s just trying to make his rounds again. Of course I didn’t reply. He’s so text book. I see him as a valuable lesson now & actually feel sorry for them. So sad that they can’t love & be normal. Also, I have a narcissist mother that I can’t discard the same way but lots of distance has also helped my true happy self. I wish I could save all the broken children out there because I have been a victim of what they become. I will listen to your studies forever & try to pass the knowledge…God bless you!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 19, 2017

      Hi LaVonda,

      that is so wonderful you are clear and empowered!

      So gorgeous that you want to help others, and thank you for passing this message on!

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • will.cordingley@gmail.com'
    Will
    May 18, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Simply amazing. Your story about the house and the thought of having a great partner along side to grow together. Thinking you were on the same page building a dream….My jaw dropped when I listened to this because it was exactly the same thing that happened to me. To this day I still can’t wrap my head around how the closest people to you can/will do such calculated malicious damage. The lies, cheating and all of it. Makes me sick to my stomach when I’ve tried to comprehend that mindset. I used to be so optimistic and positive about things, how they could be and successfully working on that vision. After 3 back to back crippling Narc relationships I started to think something was wrong with me. Why me?? I don’t do things to hurt people, I’m the opposite of that! After stumbling onto you 3 years ago you’ve helped me see why…the family I came from and all of that.

    Thank you, and keep firing out those rays of light!

    Will

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 19, 2017

      Hi Will,

      the journey does totally change from – the repeat pattern to a freedom into entirely different trajectories when we simply do the healing work on the old traumas.

      Then, I promise you rather than being sick to the stomach, we take and realise the gift with great gratitude ..

      “You were showing me what I needed to heal so that I could free myself into my True Self”.

      Being sick to the stomach means we may have conceptually got that, but we could easily still be on the same trajectory … without even knowing in.

      Because once the wounds are gone – only freedom and joy will be in that space.

      Mel xo

  • blueskiesmeditation@gmail.com'
    Wendy Anne
    May 18, 2017

    Dear Mel,

    thank you so much for this video. I just had an epiphany! From your video and also reading Sophie’s letter, (the agonising she is going through is so VERY familiar to me), I realised something!

    If I am in a relationship and I am agonising about whether to stay or whether to go then I should not be in that relationship! Am I right about this?

    The sad thing is, I am 48 and I have never had a relationship where I didn’t agonise over my partner’s behaviour! I would always blame myself and think “he says it’s me…..so maybe it is, maybe I am just imagining these problems and overreacting when he does or says these things”.

    Interested to hear from you Mel as to what it is actually like to be in a relationship with someone who is not a narc! I would love to know……is it easy and free and relaxed, do disagreements actually get sorted quickly and easily, are you able to negotiate and talk things through and come to mutually agreeable conclusions? Do you feel supported and heard and cared for and understood? I know these might sound like strange questions but not having experienced a relationship like that I really have trouble imagining it for myself. Is it really possible?

    Thanks so much! xxoo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 19, 2017

      Hi Wendy Ann,

      it’s my pleasure.

      Ok … I’d love to help you with this stuff …

      I understand your quandary – totally … as I used to be locked in that pattern too.

      Being in relationship with someone who is not a narc, is completely different – but please know it is not all “perfect” in the context of there are discussions to be had, there are also things that are not agreed on at times …

      EVERY relationship (if it is an honest one) has this!

      The huge difference truly is ME. Because of the self work and becoming a solid source of wholeness and fullness prior to being in this committed relationship (its been 6 months now) I am very clear of my rights and truths … and that includes being vey clear on the relationship I will be in … one of honesty, one of care, one of hearing each other. One of being valued. One of taking personal responsibility. One of service to each other as a team.

      These were all the components I had developed within myself – as a result of releasing and up levelling so many of my wounds with Quanta Freedom Healing – and as a Source to myself I actually don’t “need” anyone else to give me those things – I already AM them.

      And that is key .. it is when we receive those things in a relationship from another – because we state, are and act how we wish to be treated (we “show up” as this), and we easily don’t connect to and let go of people who are not interested in that level of unity consciousness.

      It would be like eating Chinese food when you adore Thai instead. It just doesn’t match!

      Sooo ….. I can CHOOSE to live as and receive that in a relationship – because that now is my relationship “truth”, anything else is non-negotiable for me. But no one can GIVE it to me – I need to live it out from within me … and there is a huge difference.

      In stark contrast my previous self who did not have those components solid within self, was seeking subconsciously the people who would give her love, approval, security and survival- and of course they couldn’t – because we can’t ‘get” what we are not “being” … we just get more of the experience of “not getting” what we are not being.

      So … yes it is different, yes it does work and it is a much deeper, healthier, respectful level of love – of feeling heard, supported and loved.

      I totally know and believe we have to be it first to ourselves and then it comes.

      That is the “be-coming”.

      It’s not just possible – if we do the inner work it’s inevitable!

      I hope this helps Wendy-Anne

      Mel xo

  • cressisan@yahoo.com'
    LynnFromCalifornia
    May 19, 2017

    Melanie….I am a recent NARP member and in just a few short weeks I have been able to release the debilitating and nearly catatonic pain of narcissistic abuse to a functioning level and I am well on my way to healing fully. This program is amazing! Words cannot express my gratitude to you for developing QFH and for sharing your inspiration and knowledge with us.
    I have watched all of your videos and gained so much insight and this one really spoke to me as the “loss of the dream” was what I mourned the most. The Narc and I had made so many plans that never came to fruition. My fairytale marriage to the Narc became a “nightmare” marriage and within a few short years the promises to be a “team” were nothing more than smoke and mirrors. I made the Narc my whole world, so when this world came crashing down, I didn’t see a future for myself. Now I know that I can create a future for myself WITH MYSELF and the happiness and contentment will flow the more I heal my inner wounds. I am already optimistic about the future, MY hopes and dreams and feel joy in getting to know somebody who I lost touch with…..ME!
    Love,
    Lynn

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 21, 2017

      Hi Lynn,

      I am so thrilled for you that NARP has helped you so much – that is wonderful!!

      I LOVE that you know you can generate this incredible life for yourself!!

      It is so true Lynn that the greatest loss was always of ourselves, and once we come home to self, EVERYTHING starts coming into view – in regard to our True Lives being created from a True Self.

      THAT is the Life we also yearned for!

      Thank you for your gorgeous, uplifting post.

      Mel xo

  • Vera_felgie@hotmail.com'
    Vaf
    May 19, 2017

    V.
    May 18, 2017
    Hi Melanie, thank you for your thoughtfulness. I could not find children as adults, with a narcissist, and how to help. I am so concerned with every passing day. In fact I completely regret following advice I had been given (not by you) to just let him figure it out. We were always in contact with each other and then slowly he became more distant, didn’t reply, one day turned into weeks and then months. He is 33 so he is not a child, but my child, and my gut feelings and concern are the same as if he were a child and I wanted to protect him from bad things happening. I can’t reach him to have a conversation – not a visit, or a cup of coffee, and he’s not at the end of the telephone either. It’s like he is in a worn torn country and I can’t find him – although I know where he is. He is being brainwashed and doesn’t know it and isolated. All of the history and memories and love that he had seems to be forgotten by him…seems he is not weighing any of what was before to what is now…do you have a link or information that will help rescue him…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 21, 2017

      Hi Vaf,

      please know you are very welcome.

      I completely understand just how painful it is when we are concerned about our children and want to help them.

      And Vaf I am very very soon going to be releasing a part 2 Shifts Happens series on the only way I truly know to help our children – which is in a Quantum Way.

      I believe that is the resource which can help you the most.

      Also please google my name + our children as it is totally applicable to your situation – even though your child is an adult now.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Rebecca.wolgast@gmail.com'
    Bec
    May 20, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    Out of all of your episodes, I found myself nodding furiously & having ‘aha!’ moments watching this! Everything you’ve said is right on the money!
    I am curious though about finding love post-narcissist, especially since even if we have healed, we still have the memories & ‘triggers’ of the past. I swear men can tell I’m damaged or having issues at a distance… I know I’m a good person with a lot to offer, but how are you ever supposed to trust anyone again after being so destroyed?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 21, 2017

      Hi Bec,

      I always believe it is so important to deeply heal with Quantum Tools the trauma in our bodies, otherwise we are going to keep “meeting” those traumas outside of ourselves.

      Fundamentally (and for so many other reasons) that is what the NARP Program is all about … hence why so many people post NARP (myself included) gave been able to procure much healthier, happier truly loving relationships.

      It truly is about the inner work Bec. Somewhere in our life, to get a great life, “inwards” is the place we need to go to. Because unless we sort and heal the relationship we are having within ourselves (becoming much less trauma free in our bodies) every relationship is very likely to reflect that.

      This article series may also help you.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/when-is-it-safe-to-date-after-narcissistic-abuse/

      Mel xo

  • dhiradibiase@gmail.com'
    Dhira DiBiase
    May 21, 2017

    Dearest Melanie,

    Where would I be without you in my life. It will be 1 year come June that I established no contact. After 6 months I had to (a promise made to myself years ago) enter back into the community that has been a HUGE part of my social life for over 25 years and, yes, which I introduced my N to. As you might expect, he made himself front and center in “my” community and everyone loves and adores him. I am but a shadow on the wall where I was once integral. This community centers around dance and performance and it was something I said I would do until I died. There is no other group like this and I live on an island, so having zero contact is impossible unless I stay home. I had a dream. Now it seems that it has been taken away from me.

    I feel I have been successful self-partnering. I finished my doctorate degree, moved so I could maintain my privacy/boundaries, and have friends outside the said community. BUT, I want to dance there. It has been my life. Problem is, it feels that I am no longer among “friends” there. It feels as if his hard luck story has been believed by everyone. I kicked him out, I only thought of my self, yada yada yada….Because I want and need to dance, I usually go to class late and leave early. I’m trying to let go of the old dream and create a new one that allows me to be there with modified expectations. I was doing ok until he won over my last safe haven friend in class.

    I like your line, “Life has a better dream in store for us”….. I believe that one day I will look back and see, had it not been for these forced changes, my life would not have unfolded with the fullest glory of my creative potential. I long for that day. As for now, I suffer through being triggered at weekly class. And, no longer being able to attend any of their social gatherings.

    I cling to, “Life has a better dream in store for us”.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 21, 2017

      Hi Dhira,

      I am so pleased lovely lady that you have been able to leave and honour you.

      In regard to the triggers you have in weekly class, it really is totally possible to up-level from those triggers and eradicate them to the level where they simply don’t exist.

      Then you would have the ability to have so much more choice around your dream of dance ….

      NARP is the tool to release and replace those triggers with your power.

      Are you a NARPer in the Community? If you are, then within the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member we can coach you on how to work the Modules to achieve the non-triggered outcome.

      Mel xo

  • vzborowski@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    May 23, 2017

    You are an Angel to this Dimension/Planet/Quantam Field! Hehe. I tell people that all the time, you have saved my life, truly. This video is FANTASTIC as usual and beautifully explained. Each episode I listen to after doing the NARP modules gets deeper and deeper in understanding and freedom. I am experiencing miracles and other amazing things happening in my life and its only been 2 months! I dont think I will ever stop doing them, they are such a gift to my freedom!
    Amazing what can happen when we choose to actually DO the work ourselves and stop avoiding our traumas.

  • Aninazaryan9@gmail.co'
    Annie
    May 23, 2017

    Melanie I adore you and your work so much. You’ve saved my life, totally. I haven’t been able to find this much healing anywhere else.

  • Aninazaryan9@gmail.coM'
    Annie
    May 23, 2017

    Melanie I adore you and your work so much. You’ve saved my life, totally. I haven’t been able to find this much healing anywhere else. And I’m excited to express to you how liberated I already am in my life without the narcissist changing one bit.

    In regards to your video about fear of being enmeshed with another narcissist I’ve had a trauma/internal conflict that plays out like this: when I see lack in people I see myself as a tall poppy that will be totally destroyed and abused and brainwashed and manipulated, so I avoid loving myself in order to not have conflict or be targeted in a situation that I may be helpless and unprotected. I know this is a deep childhood wound (from ages 12-16 having a very jealous narcissistic mother) but I am now 19 and play this out in every situation of my life. I literally feel like loving or taking care of myself will mean I’ll be tortured, cornered, trapped, envied with malice and a lack of humanity. I have not been able to figure out how to resolve this and know it’s the last bug that’s stuck there. I’m so excited and eager to heal and experience the life we all deserve, and the self love I’ve been dying to experience without survival fears! ❤️❤️❤️

    Any comment on this I would appreciate so so much. Also, NARP has been an absolute God send with clearing trapped painful emotions!

    Love! xx

  • Turquoisedaze@gmail.com'
    Liz
    May 25, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    Your amazing and I love your blog. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for a year and I nearly committed suicide. The problem was I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until a month after he left me, I was so confused about what was happening that I literally thought I was crazy. Luckily as you said in your video I hit rock bottom and had to start from stratch. It’s taken 6 months to recover but I can honestly say I am in the happiest place now and actually glad I met him as I learnt a lot about myself. The only problem is I’m not quite healed as if I see him driving round town all my happiness disappears and is replaced with great shame and worthlessness. It doesn’t last long but I’m upset he still has this effect on me. Do you have any idea how to stop giving him power over my emotions and why I’m so ashamed when I see him? Many thanks, Liz X

  • danakleadingmytaopath@yahoo.com'
    Dana
    May 25, 2017

    Dear Melanie,
    Hi
    I have been caught in my worst situation ever for 6 years -since I was 30- having to live with my father… and only recently God lead me to realise that not only my ex-boyfriend (I’m not sure if I can call him a boyfriend cause I have been in a very fragmented relationship with him for 12 years) who has always played the role of THE soulmate to me was a Malignant Narcissist, but also, I have been surrounded with different types of narcissists from childhood! I have been born among a bunch of them! God know the abuses I have been through caused by these people since I was very little that I do not even remember… And like my parents, I was grown to be (to some extent at least) a submissive or inverted narcissist; always seeking the approval of these pathological psychopathic Narcissists around among our relatives who had grandoise egos, just because my parents have always approved them, provided them supply and taught me and brought me up with this idea that our relatives are extremely good people; they are the saints!
    I wished I could tell you about all the traumas I have been through since childhood and they all continued and compiled in my teens and even my twenties… Now I know that the last 6 years has taught me and helped me not to continue being submissive to those people… I haven’t had their support and approval for year and they degraded me however they could and I am still alive! So my wrong mental programs which have been hardwired into my brain since childhood by my parents began to shatter… But I know that by finding out their true nature and their exact diagnose, God wants me to go further from a state of being stuck, paralyzed and feeling the agony of tormenting emotions to get totally free!
    Right now I am unemployed and living in fear of that ex because I found out that he is what’s called a ‘Dark Tetrad’ (the worst of them all having sadism also) so I have safety issues! I am afraid of what is he up to next and I cannot rely on anyone for my safety at this moment; I live somewhere in the middle east where we don’t have enough efficient laws to compel him stay away from me… lately I found out that he had hacked into my computer and my cellphone and when I took the control of my devices back, every once in a while he calls me with an unknown number to check out whether or not I have changed my number! I don’t know why he does that and what is he really up to!
    Would you please help me Melanie?
    I am still afraid of even having a new email address of my own or have a new facebook account, etc. because I’m afraid of him hacking into them and go on stalking me through them, let alone keeping in touch with my friends on the internet! I know I am getting paranoid and that’s what he wants! I even got death threats from him before, only now I know they were REAL forewarnings!
    I hope soon I’ll have my email address to join NARP, take part in your webinars and be able to get more of the help you provide, although I know it won’t be easy for me and it will take some time…
    Love

  • dmc3pg@gmail.com'
    Denise
    June 24, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    3 weeks ago I suddenly realized I’ve spent the last 2 years with a covert narcissist. Needless to say I never saw that coming and thought his depression and anxiety were the causes of his bad behavior although I always knew something was “off”. I had all the pieces in front of me but I just couldn’t put them together. Every one of your videos is exactly what I experienced. I think I’m still in shock because my idea of a narcissist was always the overt kind. As with all victims, this man took my unconditional love, kindness, compassion, empathy and so many other things. To wake up every morning and know every word and action was a lie and calculated and that I fell for it is devastating. To know you only served a purpose, meant nothing and that he probably hates who I am as a person is just so sad to me. The community we live in thinks he’s just a wonderful person (if they only knew) and he hides behind our shared Catholic faith. I ended the relationship and initiated full “no contact”. He has no idea I know what he is and that he suffers from NPD. I’m afraid of running into him in the neighborhood. I’ve never been manipulated in my life and I don’t want him taking anymore than he already has. I now see a therapist to help me through this because I am experiencing all of the PTSD that others do. Emotions are happening in stages for me right now and I think what is most upsetting to me at this point is that knowing he will never feel any remorse or be unhappy because he is not capable. He gets to move on to the next “supply” without a second thought of me or what he’s done. And if the CN always has another “supply” waiting, how are they ever unfulfilled or feeling pain? It’s not the Christian way to wish that on someone. It’s impossible not take this personally or see it as they “win” because no matter what you say or do it will never matter to them, nothing will change their thinking. They get to go on and we are left to pick up the pieces and heal. Thank you for taking the time to read and I sincerely appreciate the videos and blogs during this extremely difficult time. I feel so sorry for anyone who has had to experience this and those who do not even realize it’s happening.

  • blakcanis@gmail.com'
    Duane Fronek
    October 17, 2017

    Your NARP program has helped me a lot. I can so relate to this episode. After losing everything when i divorced my one narc of 10 years, i didnt have this program. I met my recent ex narc a few years after my divorce.. That was 3 yrs ago i met the this one. I figured i had 4 years to heal and this one was like the person ive always dreamed of, i put everything i had into the relationship, i was already starring to rebuild my life when i met her. She said all the right things and it seemed perfect. We got engaged after a year and things seemed great momentarily, then things started to changed, slowly flags would pop up and i ignored them, she said she had a rough life and never treated right and i would try to make life even better for her. But could feel myself losing myself.The devalue, idealise was constant but didnt recognize it because i didnt know what a narcisisst was even when i was married to the other i didnt know what one was. Not until this one discarded me on the last day of july, we were suppose to get married in august. She just left, no warning,no fighting, it was like the last few months she was here things seemed better. Then gone. I was worseboff and set back worse than i was when i divorced. Everything i was building one and starting to get ahead with my dream partner soul mate. Just stripped from me. I was devasted more than i ever was. Im 52 and felt my life is totally over, financially ruin, my emotiins totally raped. I found your program shortly after the discard. It saved my life giving me some hope. Im healing and self partnering, but know i have a ways to go, but i do have hope. Just wish it didnt take most of my life to learn these lessons from narcisissts. Where i go from here i have no idea, i just know ill be along with myself consciously istead of the unconscious state. Thank you for your program.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 18, 2017

      Hi Duane,

      I am so pleased NARP has helped and that you have hope now.

      Wishing you many blessings and incredible healing.

      Mel xo

  • torimustang27@gmail.com'
    Tori
    October 19, 2017

    Wow! This is intresting. Each time I’m watching your video’s or reading your blog, my Narc (well I’m not going to claim him as “Mine” so “the narc”)
    texts or calls. So I was going to ask you about this when I scrolled and saw tour video on “Psychic” connection. Sometimes I think he’s reading my mind but doesn’t actually realize it!

    Todays video was spot on!

    Thank you for your work and I hope you have a lovely Birthday!

    ???
    Tori

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 19, 2017

      Hi Tori,

      I am so glad it helped explain!

      You are very welcome and thank you for your lovely birthday wishes.

      Mel xo

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