It’s that time of year … Christmas … the time that many people love and narcissists love to hate.
Why?
Because family gatherings and celebrations are not ALL about them!
This is true for narcissistic love partners, spouses and family members. In a romantic sense, if you have moved beyond the idealised honeymoon phase, where the narcissist is making out that you are the best thing since sliced bread, then you will either know (or find out) exactly what I mean.
Today I want to share with you the three main ways that narcissists love to derail Christmas by destroying togetherness and sucking the joy out of proceedings. This is to help you get prepared if you are living with the hope that this year could be different, or if this is your first year dealing with the narcissist’s childish Christmas tantrums.
At the end of this article, I also want to help empower you with how to deal with this.
Christmas Tantrum Number 1 – Sabotage Strategies
Here is what the narcissist’s mission is … destroy your Christmas happiness. The reason is because your joy reminds the narcissist how disconnected he or she is from true connection with others.
The narcissist dreads other people getting attention from each other, and not being able to control the flow of energy that the narcissist needs to monopolise in order to feel significant, rather than defective. You getting energy from anywhere other than the narcissist, as far as he or she is concerned, is a crime punishable by purposefully hurting you.
This could be by not helping out with Christmas preparations and causing disruptions instead. Such as feigning getting sick, or purposefully dragging you into a created drama.
Maybe the narcissist will then blame and attack you for not including them in the preparations after repeatedly letting you down and fighting with you when you did want help.
Perhaps the narcissist screwed up what you asked them to do in such a way that you are almost convinced he or she messed up on purpose.
The narcissist is not beneath fighting with you and keeping you awake the night before, or exhausting you with arguments when you are trying to cook and prepare. There could be criticism regarding everything you do, such as the decorations, food preparation, the gifts you buy and the people you have coming over.
Narcissists are incredibly difficult to keep happy at the best of times, and when threatened with narcissistic injury and events where they may not be able to regulate narcissistic supply, the assaults are greatly amplified.
Christmas Tantrum Number 2 – Acting Out
It’s a very anxious time when you share Christmas day with a narcissistic participant, because all bets could be off. You may be nervously aware of their dark mood permeating the day in such a way that everyone can feel it. Perhaps their alcohol consumption becomes a major concern as you feel tension building.
Divide and conquer is one of the narcissist’s favourite Christmas tantrum games. Something like bringing up an old argument and reigniting it. Or divulging a family secret that will fracture relationships, or getting people or families pitted against each other.
Maybe the narcissist will discredit gifts or make disparaging comments about the food, or antagonise you to react, then switch the situation and make out that you are the abusive one. Humiliating you in front of everyone would be a hugely vindicating trophy for the narcissist to win.
Perhaps the narcissist in his or her quest to hang on to narcissistic supply will dominate proceedings, butt in on conversations, keep the attention coming back to them and not allow others to interact with each other. No one is allowed to feel appreciated or special other than the narcissist.
Naturally, the narcissist’s grandstanding makes Christmas awful for all concerned, as they feel their energy siphoned out simply for the narcissist’s own self-gratification.
Christmas Tantrum Number 3 – Disappearing
If the narcissist can’t control his or her narcissistic supply and can’t blow Christmas Day up and ruin it for everyone, then the only other option is to abandon the scene.
This is either done by stealth combined with absolute disrespect – I’ll slink away and not even bother to say good night or good bye to anyone, or is performed in a blaze of glory designed to hopefully mess up the rest of the day for everyone else.
This could be as unsettling as upturning a table, abusing someone, or even telling you in “private” (whilst all the guests are still there) that the relationship is finished.
I can’t tell you how many times narcissists dump their partners just before Christmas or on the day, all designed to punish them nastily.
Of course, this is earth-shattering if you have ever experienced this.
Dealing With A Narcissist At Christmas
It’s actually easier than you think, once you start getting empowered and know what to do.
First of all, I want to give every single one of you the total permission to NOT go to a family function if a narcissist is present and you don’t want to see them.
As Thrivers we must move into the space of honouring our own Soul, without guilt and fear of obligation. There are many beautiful NARP Thrivers who organise Christmases that are completely different from the norm, such as with like-minded friends, or even with themselves and their pets if necessary. The most important thing for you, and to model to your children is, “I will not allow abuse any longer.”
Believing you “have to go”, and “I have to do the right thing”, is the most hideously disempowering belief. NO! You are your own authority – no one else. It’s time we all grew up and stopped handing our power away to abusive others, or those who try to make us feel guilty.
(Sorry to be harsh – but I’m sick of pussy-footing around. These days I say it how it is!)
If you are attempting to co-parent with a narcissist after separating, I highly suggest NOT doing Christmas together with the narcissist and the children. Parallel parenting your Christmases by having them as separate events with your children is such a healthier option. (Please look up my resources regarding parallel parenting for more information.)
Here are your four options with abusive Christmas events:
- Go and experience abuse.
- Be determined to shift out your triggers (NARP is so powerful for this), ignore this person, don’t grant them any of your energy, and get on with your day, happiness and celebrations regardless of what they try to do or not do.
- Lay boundaries with this person about what is or isn’t acceptable for you – and ask them to leave (if it’s your home) or leave yourself (if it’s not your home) if they act out, or … as stated before …
- Boycott altogether.
Number 2, 3 or 4 are all great options. Number 1 isn’t.
Let’s say that you are still sharing a home with a narcissist and there is no way to cut them out of Christmas … the following is your Empowered Thriver Plan …
Don’t rely on them for anything. Don’t include this person, or try to get them to behave like a reasonable, functional, responsible adult and parent. Take your Soul and happiness and celebrations back for you and the children. Don’t trash this person to the children. They are smart, they see if for themselves.
Be determined to make this your best Christmas ever, regardless of any tantrum this person does or doesn’t try to pull. Have the guests backing you up (if possible) so that if the narcissist does try to pull a stunt, no one is going to feed them attention or get involved. The more people ignore these attempts, the less impact they will have.
Last but not least, I know many of you in this community feel like you have been scarred by past narcissistic tantrums and discards at Christmases and other significant dates, which may still haunt you.
Or maybe you well know this Christmas with the narcissist could be the last one, because they are ready to discard you, or you know you simply can’t go through this again. I recommend my NARP Program profusely to heal all and any of these traumas.
I promise you with all of my heart, after doing the inner work with NARP, you will burst free emotionally to be able to love special family dates and times again, as well as enjoy personal strength, boundaries, power and self-honour in all that you do.
(Also, once becoming a NARP Member you will find the NARP Member’s Forum an invaluable resource during the holiday season).
I hope that you have enjoyed today’s article – I know how so many of you will relate (every Christmas it is validating for many members to hear your confirmation of these shenanigans!) and it is my greatest joy and wish that you have an AMAZING Christmas and holiday period, and work on your healing and alignment to start generating your best narcissist-free year EVER – 2022!
Merry Christmas darling Thrivers!
I can’t wait to read your comments and questions below!
Thank you again Melanie! So timely! Before NARP, I allowed people to hurt me because of the position they held in my life- my mother, father of my child, etc. Some of the boundaries have been harder than others because of the ‘doing the right thing/high road/be polite’ myth. I continue NARP because I know most of what I work on did not start with me, but the layers have to be peeled back like an onion so I can shine like I am meant to. Merry Christmas all!
It’s my pleasure Mary,
I’m so pleased this was timely for you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
As always you are spot on. Thanks for the reminder and Happy Holidays. You’re my beacon, Melanie.
I am surviving much better because of your help. Still I have been in such a destructive co-dependent relationship for soooo long I am at the point of loneliness and loss of all passion for living as well as energy since I began to break the sick connection.
Feeling worse each day but I WILL NOT retreat to the no boundaries, always ready to supply emotionally, physically, financially; being subject to his whims, moods, ghosting and more!
So I must continue on my path to independence . I cannot and I will strive so hard not to go back.
I am now an older, much older nearly depleted mother of a forty-five year old son. I pray that I can be successful before this kills me! Thanks
DO NARP….why aren’t you. Nothing else works and staying a codependent victim helps nothing. This program is brilliant if you work it and it’s not hard and quantum healing works fast. Do it. Dont waste another minute. It’s life changing.
You’ve got this Brave one!! You deserve HAPPY!! You’ve got plenty left in you to pull through this!! Dig deep and be proud of every step towards YOU again. YOU are Soooo worth it!! I am feeling your hurt but Hang tough, YOU CAN make the next step a success, and the next one, and the one after that. DON’T EVER look back. YOUR life is IN FRONT of you!! peace to you my sweet one!! 💕‼️💪‼️‼️✌️
Remember in your Heart ,that you are here to be fully alive ,fully celebrate who you are .You are on your journey limitless and Holy.
Be delighted.This is the best gift you can give your son,show him your Power and thrive.The kingdom of God is inside you …Imagine that.!!!May the Holy Spirit pour his Glory over and around you.
Happy Christmas.
Audrey
I love this post. Thank you so much for sharing it. Have a blessed Christmas & New Year. Bridget.
Yah! Truth! Bless the sharing of joy and strength! Thank you Melanie and friends for including and sharing the thriving process! Hurting but I know Truth is here!
Hi Rev Dr. Helen,
It’s your time to heal and shine … the world needs you and you need YOU!
I can’t recommend NARP enough http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
We would love to welcome you in to this loving, healing space
Mel 🙏💞🦋
You’ll get through. Think of the peace and fun coming your way. I’m a mature lady in my late 60s. My journey is hard but you just keep going. Cry it out and keep going. The pain gets less it is hard. You are brave to do this.
The only positive thing about the plandemic has been the change in dynamic with our family at the holidays. The narcissistic relative has been too afraid to gather with us for the last two years and the rest of our family has enjoyed the most happy, peaceful and gratitude filled celebrations I can remember having since she joined our clan. In the past I have opted to just miss the holiday with the rest of the family to prevent abuse from her but that solution created a lot of anger and resentment in me because it felt like surrender and defeat which was still a form of abuse in that she was directly and negatively impacting me being free to do what I wanted to do which was to gather with my loved ones.
A few years ago I summoned the strength and determination to decide “This is my family damnit and I love them and want to spend the holidays with them. I will never miss a holiday with them because of her ever again.” And I haven’t. But it is WAY more pleasant to prepare and I joyfully anticipate gathering when I know she won’t be there.
Sending love to everyone still entrapped with relations with a narcissist. Especially when other family members or friends are able to be in relationship with the narcissist I know firsthand it can be very difficult to break away without enduring considerable sacrifice.
Hi Carrie,
thank you for your post and for offering love and support to everyone.
Much love and to you and your family!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Alcohol consumed at holiday parties, be careful! The narcissist will work your triggers and if you don’t know what you’re dealing with you will erupt in anger. It’s a natural response to someone hurting you. You are not the narcissist. Sobriety will allow you to follow Mel’s best coping suggestions.
This is great info. I’ve been No Contact since just before Thanksgiving. And wouldn’t you know…he called today. I was watching videos that make me laugh after a long few days of driving back and forth to different interviews and whatnot. So when the phone rang I accidentally picked up. I saw who the caller was and before I said a word, I just hung up, set the phone down, and went back to what I was doing, laughing! And then I saw this article. Reading through it reminded me of how he acted at my granddaughter’s birthday party. My former ex was there because my oldest daughter is still friends with him. She’s only known him since three years old. Even though he and I barely said two words to one another, the narc kept glancing our way, as though waiting to catch something. Anything. At one point I told him I was going into the house (we’d set up outside), when I came back out, the narc had disappeared. I was so embarrassed. But I explained that he does this often. I didn’t leave right away but the shame of his walk-off made it unbearable to stay much longer. When I got back to the apartment we shared, he didn’t say a word about it so I left it alone. Months later, when I finally asked him about it he said it was because he and I were in the house together. But I’d told him I was going in. He won’t be ruining anymore of my holidays, or any days. I am so done, I’m burnt!!!
Hi Pixi,
Exactly! That behaviour is unacceptable.
You (and anyone) deserve so much better!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie
Thank you for your so accurate article .Please everyone take note !
I am a gay man who lived with my Narc partner for 32 years.Every Christmas was like WW 3 one year we had a rather famous couple staying for Christmas my Narc partner right on que as I was about to serve Christmas lunch flew into white rage luckily I had gone to school with one of the guests we both got the giggles at my Narc partner which lead him to complete meltdown ( He was told if he could not behave he would have to go and stand in the corner My partner then in his 50s going on 3 a high court prosecutor for the CPS then stormed out of the house for 4 hours leaving us to laugh a lot and have a lovely meal )
Three years ago after 32 years together in 2018 he put me in hospital 4 times by abuse on coming out of hospital on the fourth occasion he changed the locks and I was left to live on the streets .The last three years have been a bit of a blur as I have endured a complete breakdown I left my 2 million £ home with a pair of jeans and a T shirt.The best thing is I walked away and I have had NO contact.A year ago my partner through a third party offered me £3000 for my share of the 2 million £ house .He was given no answer and now he cannot sell said home without my say so Karma
I have managed on my own to now own 3 home and at last finding out what peace and happiness is
Thank you Melanie for all your amazing advice
Happy Christmas
Robert
Wow Robert!
Look how far you have come.
Big congrats to you.
Your detachment from him and subsequent rebuild are SO inspirational!
Much love and thank you for your share!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Oh, my. The holidays. During the pandemic. Sigh. Thank you for the navigation-through-the-minefields, Melanie. Narcs and the toxic really do go out of their way to ruin things in the most sick, sad ways this time of the year. (Hm, ALL times of the year!)
Rev. Dr. Helen-Bolden Rogers, please know that you reaching out here, speaking your truth and being on your path IS strong of you. I wish you extra strength and better days ahead into the new year. Same to everybody who participates in the wonderful healing space: thriving, happy holidays and into the new year. I believe we are so strong it is bewildering to many, even ourselves at times!
My mother called me a loser on Christmas Day 3 years ago because I wasn’t working. My cousin and his wife were there, heard it and said nothing. I am in NC with mother and the rest of the family now. My cousins are hard at work pampering her now because she will leave her inheritance to them and I am her only child. So I will spend the day alone just like last year. It’s better to be alone than be with toxic people!!!
I was with a narcissistic for 7 years.
When he was losing control of me he made my life an unbearable hell. He ended our relationship 9/15/21 and a week later stared dating another woman 😳.
I know it’s a blessing but my heart is broken and I’m feeling unbearable pain.
When will this stop?
I’ll be alone for Xmas due to covid.
My daughter just got married and moved away….
Her husband tested positive for covid returning from a business trip….
Hi Martina,
the pain of discard and replacement is agonising – my heart goes out to you.
The pain stops with powerful inner work to release the trauma.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn how this can be done.
Sending you hugs and healing Dear Lady.
Please know you can and will get through this.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
To Martinaharsch. I feel your pain. You are on the right track even if it doesn’t feel that way now. HANG IN THERE! TOMORROW IS ALWAYS A NEW DAY!I Melanie Tonya Evan’s will walk with you and guide you and help you to know that you are not alone. I’m a 15 year survivor. Yes. It takes time. You have given 7 years of your good heart to someone who discarded you. Pity his new target. I surely pity my ex- husband’s woman even after she physically assaulted me. She thinks she’s won a prize. But we who have survived narcissistic abuse know better. After all, we too were once love bombed. Now say OUT LOUD!! I’m taking my life back!! I deserve better than him!! My life is MINE now!! I’m happy for my daughter and I will call her often and let her know that in time I will move forward because I have given that man more than he deserved. My life is MINE now. I will not allow this man to take away my joy or my daughter’s joy of life any longer. I am a good person. My life and my ❤ heart is healing as I sit here. Yes!!! My delicate heart and soul will come out stronger and I will be wiser for all the suffering he put me through but I WILL NOT GIVE HIM MY POWER!!! From today forward, I will keep a note on my mirror to remind me that my life and my heart are mine and GOD gave them TO ME not that soul sucker!!! I’m allowed my feelings of course because I am human but..I WILL NOT ALLOW HIM TO MAKE ME FEEL SICKENED ANY LONGER. I will not only survive but be an example to my daughter so she can be an example to her future children. Mama bears have to show the young ones how to cope to the best of our ability. TOMORROW IS ALWAYS A NEW DAY!!! 🙏 AMEN. Peace and love to all. YOU ARE NEVER REALLY ALONE ON CHRISTMAS. OUR LORD AND SAVIOR IS WITH US ALWAYS.
Please, how much is this??
Hi Debby,
all of the details are on this page http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
If you have any more questions please email one of my love staff members at [email protected].
Mel 🙏💞🦋
My daughter is a narcissist who is now 36 years old. Christmas for as long as I can remember has been a series of her making plans to see everyone before me and my husband (not her father), arguments and withdrawal of the grandchildren. At family gatherings with my parents and sister she would take every opportunity to belittle me.
My husband and I have now moved interstate and this is our 2nd Christmas on our own. Due to her escalation of behaviour due to me withdrawing from her she didn’t even get a card and money this year. We still send them to the grandchildren. This journey is filled with unspeakable pain, but also unspeakable joy and peace when you no longer stand for the abuse which when you see it clearly is just absolute rubbish. Hang in there all of you and Merry Christmas from sunny Queensland Australia
Hi Sheryl,
that is wonderful that you have chosen peace.
Much love and Merry Christmas to you and your family
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This article, like so many on this website, resonates with me deeply. The first Christmas I only knew him 3 months, but I was so love bombed I felt sure we were going to spend Christmas together. He said he was spending Christmas with his children without me, and how could I be upset about that? I later found out his children didnt see him at all for Christmas, and apparently he didnt feel I needed any explanation. Year 2, 3, 4, and 5 Christmas’s I was left sitting at my home with the Christmas dinner I cooked, the presents which I returned, year 3, 4 and 5. Year 6, I didnt cook, or buy gifts, but he said he was coming and I told him bcuz of the history I was not going to cook or buy gifts. Not only did he not show up, but he plotted to call the police and report me suicidal and the police took me to the hospital against my wishes. Because, Yes, of course I was sitting in the dark in my own home, crying, and it was obvious I was crying when I answered the door to the police. That was it for me. Any time after that no more plans for the holidays with him. That episode cost me $3500 in ambulence and hospital costs, and I was not suicidal. I was instead contemplating how to get out of this horrible relationship. But he probably knew that. I feel like I know every trick narcissists play, I feel like Ive been through them all. I trust no one anymore bcuz I have seen how they can convince people that I am the crazy one. I only wish I had discovered what a narcissist was when I was much younger. I feel like my life is over. My career and my friendships are all gone thanks to him and his extreme games. Ive been discarded for more than 10 years, but he still tries to establish contact before every holiday. Probably trying to ruin the holiday of the new “supply”. I havent answered his calls or emails for 5 years now, but they still keep coming. It amazes me that it goes on this long, but it also depresses me and ruins my holidays. Im certain that is the objective. If it were not for my faith in God, I wouldnt be here anymore.
Hi Debby,
that is horrific what you have been through!
I’d love you to come in to my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I promise you it will grant you relief, answers and directions in your solutions to put this completely behind you, heal and go free.
It’s your time – enough is enough Dear Lady.
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Debby and All Newcomers to MTE,
Having been brought as close to crazy by my narc mother (and her flying monkeys) as i ever want to experience i encourage you to give Melanies excellent FREE introductory programme a go.
My final days of misery in my family of origin occurred over a Christmas period.
It wasn’t easy for me to break away but the care and support offered by Melanie and the Thriver community finally unlocked some part of my stuck thinking and enabled me to crawl and then walk away.
Five years later i am in charge of my life choices and will celebrate simply and without drama this holiday.
My wish for you is that you find the strength to begin getting the help Mel offers. You have already made the first step by being here. Every blessing to you ALL.
Thanks a million Melanie and the Team. You gave me back my life force. 💚
Hi Angel,
I am so thrilled for you that you are doing so well, and I and my incredible team could help! Please know how welcome you are.
Thank you for your love and care to everyone …
And beautiful peeps here is the link to my free 16-day course. I hope that it can help you a lot.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Love and blessings to all
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie and everyone reading this post—thank you! This is so validating. Yesterday, my partner threw a fit and closed himself into “his” side of the house. When I saw this article, I burst out laughing. Of course, it’s the annual Christmas fit.
I’ve been slowly working my way through NARP, with gratitude in my entire being. So when the fit happened, I focused on supporting myself and treating myself with the same loving regard that I have for my newly adopted, ailing cat. I made a Christmas tree out of cardboard tubes and leftover wrapping paper, strung it with fairy lights and felt stars, and put it on a little table in my home office, then decorated that with every single Christmas ornament I have. This was so much fun for my inner child, and it was a satisfying replacement for a tiny live tree that I bought a week ago and regretted keeping indoors and bound up with those fairy lights.
13 years ago, I left behind decades worth of family decorations to move from the US to Australia to be with this narcissist. I feel grief to this day about that, along with so much else that I gave up. Because I’ve been trying to please this guy all this time, I haven’t decorated here other than putting out a dish with some ornaments.
But this year, I’m different and it’s different. I feel soooo happy looking at my little tree and all the sparkles. I shared pictures with my sister and a friend in the US. I have no need whatsoever to share the experience with the narcissist. I feel empathy for his struggle to survive psychologically and I wish him a happy life. And that’s it, as I continue to grow and interact with the universe without needing anything from him.
Much gratitude to you, Melanie, and your team and the people on the forums. You have all helped me find my way back to myself. What a miracle that is.
Kindest regards,
Katherine
Hi Katherine,
reading what you have written makes my heart sing for you.
THAT is true Thriving beautiful lady, what you have just modeled.
Beautiful things lie ahead for you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie,
I came to understand narcissistic pathology through self learning and and studying the works of O F Kernberg and other great psychiatrists and people like yourself and treated narcissists. I think you have to be at the receiving end of these very unwell people to feel the pain they can dish out in a flash. These days I disarm the narcissist in my life by being mindful of their triggers and what triggers me and observing the defensive “flip-flop” in their mind. I stay out of the narcissists “fighting ring”.
Wish you all the best for Xmas and thank you for your work.
John
Hi John,
you are very welcome.
That’s great you are staying out of the ring.
Merry Christmas to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Mel for taking the time to write this article xx people are in different stages of healing like me, just starting, and this little fact based prediction is so so very helpful to increase clarity and readiness xxx
It’s my pleasure Mirka,
I’m so pleased this is helpful.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Wherever you are in the world and on your journey, whoever you are celebrating with or celebrating on your own as i am, i wish you all a kind and peaceful festive season – hoping in particular we’ll be kind to ourselves and peaceful within 🙂
Thank you so much to dear Mel and her MTE team members, as well as to all you members of the broader NARP community, for all your support and life-changing wisdom over this past year. ive learnt so much from all of you, i realise narc abuse has weirdly ended up being a real blessing in disguise. Thank you for being my community, my tribe.
With love, Jo x
Hi Jo,
thank you for your beautiful words to this amazing community, and so much love to you and yours these holidays!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Last year, he managed to get the decorations out of the attic on the 21st, left immediately then smashed some of the decorations on the 22nd.
He’s already done the disappearing act this weekend.
I’ve increased my self care routine, more yoga and meditation, pampering every day in December, enjoying simple aspects of the season, like Christmas markets and illuminations. I’ve even got a hamper including books, a jigsaw and food treats stashed away.
Melanie’s sage advice is very true and I started adapting Christmas to ‘accomodate’ his behaviour last year, I didn’t feel upset when he smashed things then, I relaxed at home all weekend enjoying simple pleasures and have further plans to detach.
Please do enjoy what you can and minimise the harm narcissists hope to cause you. Something as simple as dancing around the kitchen to a favourite festive song is a victory, isn’t it? Much love and deserved merriment to all.
Hi Kelly,
you are a true inspiration to so many!
You are the epitome of narc-proof Christmasing!
Love and blessings to you Dear Lady
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks so much Melane. You are such an inspiring parent.
Point noted with happiness that I Will not concentrate on his unrealistic demands and abuses.
Hi Patience,
thank you for your kind words.
Power to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Yes it’s that time of year my second discard came on Christmas and wouldn’t be surprised that her new supply gets it after receiving her gifts.the next Christmas we rented a house with her two grown kids to be away from my family. It all makes sense now
Thank you for all your wisdom and merry Christmas and to a great 2022 love you
ALL this completely resonates with me, over a 20 year period. The times he would try to say we were “done for good this time” in private to try and upset me because I did “this” or “that”, the tons of numerous feigned sicknesses (insert eye roll!!), the refusals to help at all with shopping or wrapping or decorating or cooking or cleaning, the arguments on purpose in front of the kids where he kept his “calm” while he made Me look like the crazy one, the “retiring early to our room” even before guests left!, and then Not coming out to say goodbye (Rude!!),…the list goes on and on!! He literally finds no real joy in Anything.
One time in particular, was he at his Narcissistic best…he had just come Back into our family fold….all Christmas preps had already been done BY ME, BY MYSELF, for OUR kids…and as they opened each gift, they would each keep turning to me to Thank ME first…then him. He couldn’t stand this…he literally pitched a 5-year’s old fit and ran into the bedroom locking the door behind himself. None of us could imagine what was wrong. I actually had to come out later and quietly tell the kids to make sure they thanked their dad FIRST so he would also “feel appreciated”. (But in actuality, he had not even chipped in for ANY of those gifts that year!!) He was ALSO upset that he really didn’t get many gifts from me, and the kids (ages 13 and 15!) received more gifts than he did, at age 50!!!
His tantrums were disgusting and obvious. After years, we all knew how he would try to ruin our day. I got sick of it and started figuring out that these hissy fits meant something. = NARCISSIST. I did my very best to ignore his rantings, and make the best holidays just for my kids. I played everything off and swept so many things under the carpet.
It was shortly after these times, that I finally let the relationship fizzle out and NOT let it get rekindled over and over again. He really ruined it for me. I was done.
Much Love Melanie!! Thanks for the all of the eye-opening truths~~
Wow Karen,
you really have lived through it all!
So happy for you and your children that this is no longer the ongoing drama.
Please know how welcome you are and sending you blessings and Thriving!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Your articles have literally saved my sanity this last two years. Weirdly I was referred to you by the ex partner of my then partner.
I’d ignored her warning about him being an abusive narcissist thinking that she was acting in jealousy and spite. Within a year he’d thrown a shoe at me, slapped me across the face, dumped me repeatedly, emotionally abused me by slating my figure, my face and anything else that would get a rise out of me. It came to a head on Christmas Day when he got hideously drunk, pinned me down on the sofa and punched me repeatedly. I was heartbroken and shell shocked! Next day he was hungover and pretended nothing had happened.
I forgave him then he got hideously drunk again on New Year’s Eve and started a fight at a friend’s house.
The person I turned to was his ex, as she was the only one who could validate his gas lighting, physical and emotional abuse and sociopathic narcissism.
You have helped us both so much Tonia. We’re both Thrivers and the narc has moved onto his next ‘supply,’ (within 2 weeks) like they do.
Hi Clarissa,
I am so happy I have been able to help you both …
Oh gosh you both deserve so much better!
Sending you love, healing and blessings
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie and beutiful thrivers
What a pleasure it is to share these comments ,to help,encourage growth and strength.
Although at different levels you folk never cease to amaze me with authenticity of your experiences
May we all continue to grow like beautiful roses,difusing our loving fragrance of hope and love ,knowing we are strong,even more enriched than ever
May,I take this opportunity to wish you all a fruitful,healthy and happy Festive season
2022 being filled with continued growth,encouraging our souls with fortitude of Spirit and harmony
Much Love
I agree with you Fay,
the authenticity is stunning!
Our community is beyond inspirational!
Thank you for your beautiful contribution as always Fay – you are very appreciated!
So much love to you and yours
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I have an interesting situation. Left the narcissist crazy man, 4 months ago, after 4 years together. Staying with family now in another state. This man went thru throat cancer and I cared for him. That was tough. NOW, 3 years later, he has lung and stomach cancer and is in the early stages of treatment development. He is holding on and desparate for help. I don’t know what to do. I’m 58, looking good and healthy. He is 60 and a mess. Somehow I feel terrible about returning to help. Did I just answer my own concerns? Bad position to deal with. Christmas has left me quiet around my loved ones., as I contemplate quiety. So am I allowing the narcissist to get under my skin for the need of cancer care. What do you think? The cancer arrived after my departure. No guilt. Just fear.
Thank You for your post. I did not know x-mas is a thing for narcists. I was Married for 27 years with one And x-mas was always fulled with struggles, criticism. Tension And discussions.
Before my marriage it was also the worst time of the year by the drinking problem of my father (also narcist).
Over more than a year I finally left my ex. These last two christmasses were Nice And relaxt. The first one i cried a lot when I realised it was the first x-mas in 49 years there was No quarral or stress.
I thought it was a coincidens, but it is a actual thing. Thank You for noticing And I’m so glad I Made the right decision. Happy newyear!