It should be a beautiful time to spend with family and friends, however, if there is an existing narcissist in your life this is rarely the case.
Holiday time is a HUGE hotspot for the narcissist to act out — by refusing to cooperate and help, attempting to drag everybody’s cheer into the gutter with them and maybe even pulling painful and malicious disappearing acts.
Why do narcissists do this? In today’s Thriver TV episode I will explain exactly WHY they do!
And I will share with you my top 5 tips about how to survive narcissists during the holidays, and it is my deepest wish that this information can grant you the happy holiday season that you deserve.
Video Transcript
Narcissists are awful a lot of the time, and they’re especially terrible around festive times.
This is where they act out, try to destroy other people’s holiday cheer, hoover, disappear, reappear and do all sorts of crazy and kooky things.
This is why, with the holiday season fast approaching, I thought it best that I reach out to you with my top tips for surviving narcissists during the holidays.
Okay, so just before we dive in, I’d just like to say thank you to everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver mission, and if you haven’t yet done so I’d like to remind you to please do. Also, if you like this video please make sure that you hit the like button.
Alright, so on to today’s episode.
Tip Number One: Don’t Expect Cooperation
Narcissists love to let people down. It’s one of the ways they can punish people, and extract narcissistic supply by triggering people and gaining attention from them.
If you ask the narcissist to help you and do the right thing, such as pick up supplies or assist with organisation, even if it’s to do with your children, you may be setting yourself up for a fall and typical narcissistic abuse — which will come in the form of delays, excuses, false promises, and even absence.
I thoroughly suggest doing your own organisation, asking for nothing and letting go of any resentment over the fact that you’re not getting help and that the narcissist just can’t act like a normal cooperative person. And also don’t bite or give any energy to the narcissist accusing you of leaving them out of the festivities.
After all, this is just typically narcissistic that they will accuse you of that because — you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don’t!
Tip Number Two: Detach From the Moodiness and Antics
Holiday season is a very painful time for a narcissist. He or she can’t regulate people enough to be the centre of attention. Other people and family will be in the limelight. People will be connecting to each other and cheerfully doing so and that painfully reminds the narcissist of their own inner torment and inability to be genuinely happy.
The narcissist’s inner triggering may lead him or her to act out trying to impregnate everyone with their black mood. That horrible black ink that we all know about. They may try to incite an argument between people, or exit the scene or leave after creating a drama, to try to ruin everyone’s chance of having a good time.
Or at the very least he or she may say something unpleasant to their partner, or family member, that unsettles them and then leave the room or the house, without saying anything else to anybody, causing this person to be thrown into a spin.
These are only some of the nasty tactics that all narcissists can pull to try to offload their highly energised inner self-loathing and insecurities onto others.
It is imperative that you don’t fall into the trap of feeding the narcissist with the attention and energy that they are seeking by using these tactics.
Like a spoiled child, ignore this behaviour, get on with your festivities and commit your energy and attention to those you love. Let the narcissist have their own pity party and don’t reward bad behaviour with any attention.
Tip Number Three: Detach From the Selfishness and Entitlement
Narcissists at holiday time expect it to be all about them. They have their own set of rules, which are completely one-sided. It goes like this, ‘How dare you not grant ME full significance and consideration, yet I’m certainly not going to extend that to you.’
Narcissists are lazy and selfish in regard to gifting other people. If there is nothing to gain in the way of love bombing and mining supply, which is the case with already trapped intimates and existing family, the narcissist will either not bother with getting any presents for others, or spend very little money, time and consideration when doing so.
Or the present will be to do with what the narcissist wants for him or herself without bothering to check in with what you would like.
Yet, he or she will take personal umbrage if others don’t put enough effort and care into what the narcissist receives as a present.
Even if you have children together, it is still likely that the narcissist makes it all about him or her and not the children, or the grandchildren, at all.
There is no point in playing into the narcissist’s lopsided entitlement. If you do so the narcissist will lash back at you with excuses, projections, minimalisation, guilt, tit-for-tat and blame throwing.
There is only one way to deal with this — don’t.
Detach, grant no energy and just get on with your day.
I really want you to understand how vital this is. If you do understand I want you to pause this video and write below, ‘I retract all my energy and leave you to your own pity party!’
Tip Number Four: Have All Narcissistic Exes Blocked
Holiday time is a hotspot for narcissistic hoovering. You have to remember that there are many narcissists who are highly triggered and are now punishing their present partners. This means inciting an argument, disappearing, and hooking up with an ex.
Don’t be an easy meal on the narcissist’s hit list. As you can imagine, this has got nothing to do with missing you or having remorse for how they treated you in the past. There is nothing about this that means feeling sentimental about the love that you shared or anything of the like. This is simply about being used as a tool for the narcissist’s disordered, skewered behaviour.
I strongly suggest, that if you are estranged from the narcissist and you are still struggling with your recovery and your feelings about him or her, shore yourself up and be determined that you are not going to play any part in being used, and then abused and abandoned ever again.
Narcissists know that people are vulnerable and highly susceptible at holiday time, which provides them, when dishevelled and triggered, numerous ways to self-medicate at other people’s expense.
So make sure that you are not emotionally brutalised and maliciously triangulated in this way.
Tip Number Five: Be Prepared For the End
Many a narcissistic relationship can blow up and end at holiday time.
This may be the time when the narcissist lashes out and punishes you so significantly that you know you have no choice but to get out of this relationship. Maybe you discover that the narcissist has run off to another source of supply this time.
Maybe the scene in front of your family and in a group setting is so horrible, that there is no coming back from this. Maybe there are alcohol-fuelled events that are unforgivable. Narcissists don’t need alcohol to be nasty, but it certainly doesn’t help matters.
Also, know that the narcissist is capable of cruel discards and literal permanent abandonment at this time.
Or, the narcissist may have you waiting for them and believing that you were going to have festivities together, or even a holiday with him or her and then just totally disappears, leaving you high and dry.
All of these things get reported in this community regularly. It’s incredibly rare and even unheard of that holiday time with the narcissist goes well and healthily.
When narcissistic abuse hits levels where it is severely damaging our self, our resources and who we love, then it’s time to be really honest with ourselves. We have to let this person go, we have to say ‘no’ to them and start saying ‘yes’ to ourselves.
Saying ‘yes’ to ourselves means detaching from them and pulling inside of ourselves to heal all of the traumas that have been inflicted upon us by these toxic people, as well as all the reasons we were trying to hold him or her responsible for giving us happiness, health, safety and love. We have to start healing and learning how to grant that to ourselves.
Which is exactly what my Thriver recovery work is all about.
One of the great things about holiday time is that you may have more time to turn inwards and do your essential recovery work, to be able to get out of the pain, your trauma symptoms, and all connections and longings to a narcissist.
If you are ready to take your power in your life back, I want you to write below, ‘I’m saying no to you, and yes to me.’
And now, let’s get that started powerfully by clicking this link to the free 16 Day Recovery Course.
And … if you found this video empowering, and you’d like to see more of my videos, please subscribe to my channel so that you are notified as soon as each new one is released.
And also, make sure that you like this video and share it with your communities, your family and friends who may also be prone to suffering narcissists at holiday time.
And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
And I wish all of you a safe, happy and abuse-free holiday time.
Thanks Mel.
I got rid of the Narcissist I didn’t want to be a Narc after my grandies wedding in early October when I said some words to her mother, aka my eldest daughter, when I suddenly I had to admit she was a Narc as once more she abused me and then turned it around to be me.
She failed miserably as her sister my youngest daughter, and her family were with me at the time and saw and heard what happened, didn’t stop her lying her head off abut it though. Next her husband sent me a text banning me from contacting her or the family ever again, I still sent my grandie a birthday greeting though, not his place to tell me who I can and can’t contact.
After all this and me finally saying to myself out loud “she’s a Narcissist like her father and has treated me the same way for some 50 years now” I felt such a sense of relief and so when her husband fired the bullets she had made I didn’t feel anything at all emotionally when sending my reply…FREEDOM at long last. No more tippy toeing around egg shells and wondering what I had or hadn’t said or done wrong if indeed I had done or said anything at all, probably not either.
Her father was slightly different in that he would buy me over the top cost wise jewellery for most occasions… birthday, Mothers Day, Christmas etc., but then he couldn’t get confused with what he’d bought his current girlfriend because he would have also bought her jewellery and people thought he was so kind and generous, the ones that matter have learnt differently now.
Well I’m off to shake the icky feeling of both of them outside so it can float away in the breeze and leave me feeling refreshed and clean and wholesome, they’re not worth the oxygen they try to thieve from me. She’ll run out f supply and come crawling back but I’ll be cooly curt to her from here on in now that I’ve accepted her personality disorder.
Thanks once more I feel so good and I hope others get to feel this way too as it’s so refreshing and breathes life back into you.
Maureen
Hi Maureen,
How beautiful you are shaking the icky stuff off and breathing your beautiful freedom in now.
I am so so happy for your Dear Lady.
All my love
Mel 🙏💕💛
I retract all of my energy ad leave you to your own pitty party.
Hi Mel, This was so enlightening. I thought all these years my ex narc was the only one who would disappear just before the holiday meal with a house full of family. With the grandchildren asking where did grandpa go and why he doesn’t want to eat with them. I thought my ex narc was the only one who would refused to be involved with any celebrations then blame me for not including him. I thought he was the only one who would wait until we were walking out of the door, going to a family gathering, to refuse to go and start yelling at me, forcing me to leave without him and be late. Knowing I wasn’t the only one dealing with this is something I needed to hear. Thank you so much!!
Hi Cinda,
I’m so glad that this has helped and that you feel validated.
These absolutely are stock standard narcissistic behaviours and please know you are not alone.
All my love.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I’m saying NO! To the narcissist. And I’m saying YES to ME!!! Thank you Melanie. Because of your work you have shaed with me and the thought shifts you have trained me in I have conquered so much. As you know the questions to ask ourselves and learn that we are REAL, and not a ball of yarn, although we come to feel so confused so unloved especially we lack love of ourselves. I was a suicidal lonely mess after my divorce but especially during the marriage after 18 years. I’m 6 1/2 years divorced. Still sad and lost. He took any and all friends away, but you popped into my life. You have taught me that I’m a highly valuable person, and loving. This person was jealous and literally took all of me that I new to be and and threw it all in the trash and taught me to behave his orders to do any or everything anything you could believe if you hadn’t been through such a thingI I know you know exactly what I’m talking about. People would always say Why can’t you just walk out? This person WILL find you as you are their narcissistic supply of energy, and they would be nothing without you. They WILL win every time. You will be a walking dead person, kind as heck but no one will be able to rescue you. ONLY You your self, and that’s what made me a winner! But thanks to you I AM A THRIVER, Bless you Melanie.
Hi Keely,
I am so happy for you thst you have broken through.
You are valuable, lovable and worthy belong measure.
All my love to you Keely.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have always said that I had to divorce my husband of 30 years because of his brother’s (second) narcissistic wife and everything in this video cements it. The first wife exited after ‘the scene in front of your family and in a group setting is so horrible, that there is no coming back from this.’ That happened in 2004. After which my ex-husband’s brother left his wife at the conjuring of who was to become the second narcissistic partner. At that time, I was proud of myself because I, thinking at the time that I was being respectful to the different way that their family handled these things, kept my mouth shut and didn’t respond at all. My husband said to me, “and you agreed with her.” In my family we would never allow such egregious, inappropriate and unacceptable behavior to stand. Someone would have asserted that the behavior was not acceptable. And since that is who I am, that is what these people expected from me.
Unbeknownst to me, I had married into a family of codependents whose goal was to ‘keep the peace’ and not assert that the behavior was inappropriate. They believed that ‘taking the high road’ means succumbing to the bullying and intimidation. And that accepting the abuse and acting as a doormat was ‘being the better man.’ This left my poor husband, of course as the ‘worst man’ because his wife was not abusive and narcissistic.
Things appeared to be better for awhile when the next abusive wife was love-bombing my brother-in-law. But I began to see that she was just like the first wife. I really couldn’t understand how people who seemed to be intelligent could not see the similarities. The Narc has them reeling about meaningless trivialities making it about cleaning or cooking or working, when, all the while, I knew that it was about treating people with respect rather than humiliating them. Honoring other’s feelings rather than projecting one’s own feelings onto them. You know it all.
So when the second wife started doing these same things, I vowed I would not make the same mistake as I had before. I was not going to act out of (my) character and do what they did which was lay down and be a doormat for the bully. I calmly, clearly and definitively asserted my observation and left never to be in her presence again. Her egregious behavior, apparently to the codependents in my ex’s family, flew under the radar, (or she conned or gaslighted or guilted them not thinking it was not happening). I simply refused to be with his family anymore at Holidays. The Narc lived over 300 miles away and my ex only needed to see her once every couple of years. But the stories and the tales of her unconscionable behavior terrorized everyone in the family, including my ex-husband.
From what I can tell from being part of the Thriver Community for years now, my ex -who wasn’t really codependent and was usually acting like a normal, sane, healthy adult, the other 360 days of the year when he was around me was so traumatically triggered simply by listening to his brother talk about his abuse that my husband came home and protested to me for six months, “I am not a trained monkey.” I simply ignored that comment because it had nothing to do with me. My (ex) husband’s traumatic triggering was compounded by the fact that their mother gave her attention to the abused son and my poor husband couldn’t get any attention because he was not being abused.
So my (ex) husband came back to our home after Christmas and projected all of their marital issues onto our marriage. The first time this happened, when his brother was being abused by the first Narc back from 1999-2204, I was confused and tried to help my ex-husband out of his trauma. The second time I was extremely conscious. In 2012 regarding the second Narc sister-in-law, I said, ‘I retract all my energy and leave you to your own pity party!’ and had refused to go to his mother’s house for holidays anymore. Three years later my poor (ex) husband came home so triggered that he accused me of all the abusive things his brother’s wife was doing. I kept telling him that it had nothing to do with me. My (ex) husband kept saying, “If you think this, and you feel that, and you believe this, and you want that, and are motivated by the other thing ….then you should get a divorce.” Well of course I didn’t think that and believe this and want that and was motivated by the other thing. None of that had anything to do with me or my ex-husband or our marriage. But I was simply not going to argue, defend, explain or justify my own feelings. If he wanted to imagine that I was like that, then he could do that. I just left the room. I saw attorneys, and I planned for the divorce. We agreed….. We agreed 14 times in six months to get a divorce. It didn’t matter that I didn’t think this and feel that and believe this and want that and was motivated by the other thing.
All that mattered to me was that, I was not going to spend the rest of my life arguing about MY feelings. I know what they are. If he was not willing to receive information about them, I was not going to argue. I was going to leave. Well my attorney wanted me to wait for some long-term incentives at my ex-husband’s work to come about. By the time that came around there was a buy-out and severance in the mix. THANK GOODNESS for my Thriver Silver package, I sailed through that year and a half up-leveling and healing my own inner wounds. About three months prior to when my attorney wanted me to file, I had to tell him that there would be nothing left if I waited. So I was able to get him to file the divorce. So perhaps I was, for a moment, a source of supply to the narcissistic sister-in-law when my husband said to me, “I am not a trained monkey,” trying to imply that I was treating him the way his brother’s narcissistic wife treated him because his mother told him ‘all women are like that’. I said to my husband, “Oh you are definitely a trained monkey. You just aren’t MY trained monkey. I didn’t marry the monkey. I married the assertive man with self respect.”
My (ex) husband said to me, “You surprised me with a divorce.” How could he be surprised? The way the ‘arguments’ about MY feelings and thoughts and beliefs and motivations were settled were that we agreed to divorce. There was never any reversal about that. A friend of mine told me, “He doesn’t really want a divorce, he just wants you to shut up.” He wanted me not to argue with him about what were my ‘real’ thoughts and feelings and beliefs and motivations. He wanted me to allow him to be victimized by what he imagined they were- to be victimized the way his brother was victimized so he could ‘be the better man.’ So that was fine. He was entitled to imagine anything he wanted. After six months and 14 times of him telling me that I SHOULD get a divorce because of what he imagined were my thoughts and feelings and beliefs and motivations, I told him that the only reason I ‘shut up’ was because we had agreed and we were getting a divorce and that was final. For a year and a half after that he just went on with life as though it was all normal while I planned my exit.
Today, I am thriving and know I am the source of my own safety and security and love and I don’t need to argue with anyone about my own feelings, beliefs, thoughts, motivations or opinions.
Before watching this video I was thinking about my plans for the holidays this year. I have taken a seasonal job so I am working and ‘I don’t have time’ to be with the drama queens. I would like to choose to be alone anyway and be only with my dog in my peaceful, serene, safe and protected home.
It was funny. I am now the source of my own income and I spent Thanksgiving working on my cashflow projections. I thought, ‘I am going to be like Scrooge and spend Christmas alone counting my money and enjoying a fire in my own fireplace.’ Do I feel guilty like I am an old miser with no Christmas Spirit? Nope, I am a source of my own love and security and financial well-being. And I am proud that I can be alone with myself and find peace. No ‘taking the high road’ or ‘keeping the peace’ or ‘being the bigger man’ But my new boyfriend, who really IS the bigger man, did invite me to Thanksgiving, but I declined…..for this year.
Ok all that being said, Melanie thank you for everything you do for our community. But all people should know that normal, sane, healthy adults will walk away from your family if you as the matriarch require that they walk on eggshells to protect them from the C.R.A.P. of the Narc. Normal, sane, healthy adults in the family will not succumb to bullying and intimidation and call it ‘keeping the peace.’ Normal, sane, healthy adults will not be a doormat and call it ‘being the bigger man.’ Normal, sane, healthy adults will not withstand abuse without asserting that it is egregious and unacceptable and call it ‘taking the high road.’
They will leave and protect themselves. Then there will be nothing left but the narcissist and those who are willing to be victimized by them. Happy Holidays. I will spend mine alone with my dog and my fireplace and my cash-flow projections knowing that *I* am the source of my own income and my own financial well-being, safety, security and love. I will be smiling and thriving because there is nothing else to do.
Thanks Melanie!
Hi Kelly-Rose,
This is wonderful that you feel whole and at peace this holiday season.
I so agree that handing power away and allowing oneself to be traumatised is in no way healthy.
Much love and power to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I not only had inner peace at the Holidays, but I had a miraculous event that took me out of even my physical pain. After writing the above, I did a bunch of moduling and released all I wrote here. I had foot pain since May. On Christmas Day I went to Urgent Care. They told me there was a 3 hour wait. They called in a special kind of doctor. He said he wasn’t scheduled to come in, but they called him because the office was so packed! I didn’t understand it- something about a DO or orthopedics or wholistic. Well he gave me what my family doctor on the follow-up called ‘an adjustment.’ He just pressed on some body parts and relieved pain in places in my body, that even with all the moduling I hadn’t found. No meds, just a prescription to drink a lot of water because there will be toxins released…. just like Quanta Freedom Healing! Today I am amazed how productive I am, running, jumping, vacuuming, running up and down the steps (what I was avoiding since May)
But since this video has come out, my ex has really really really really stepped up his efforts to try to get my attention to turn toward him.
You pegged it: “So make sure that you are not emotionally brutalised and maliciously triangulated in this way.”
Check- been there, done that. Thanks for the warning.
Due to me having shored up my inner gaps, using Quanta Freedom Healing, and thanks to your suggestion in this video, and me being accountable to my inner being after reading what I wrote here, I STILL had a pleasant holiday season.
So I did what you said, and didn’t deal with it.
“Like a spoiled child, ignore this behaviour, get on with your festivities and commit your energy and attention to those you love. Let the narcissist have their own pity party and don’t reward bad behaviour with any attention.”
However, today, this, the 32nd attempt (I am not kidding-from the man I divorced two years ago!) in the amount of time since this video came out, I will have to contact my attorney. I am not taking the bait and breaking no contact. But I know what to do. I know what action to take. I know how to handle it calmly, clearly and definitively. And instead of being triggered 32 times, I just shake my head and realize how close in alignment the ex husband’s behavior is to what you described for what to be prepared. So now I am free of him projecting all of his brother’s narcissistic wife’s behavior on to me because I am not his wife anymore. But boy is he pulling out ALL the stops to try to get me to acknowledge that he has a new wife who IS the ‘wife he wanted’ a woman who really does behave like a histrionic, narcissist. I am so happy they have found each other. But shhhh don’t tell him! LOL
This article was very helpful. Thank you! It’s all true they are so miserable internally they seethe seeing others people celebrating love anytime especially the holidays. Mine is blocked and it’s very much a struggle but I’ve been through my last cycle Of abuse and will not be used and intentionally hurt because he’s empty.
Hi Heather,
That’s great this this has helped empower you.
Stay strong!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mel
Is it normal for trauma from a 20 year old negative work experience which occurred when I was 23 to come to surface as I am in stinking thinking with it. A lot of flashbacks as memories return even though I left the UK 20 years ago and the racism/separatism behind me. I have childhood patterns of bullying and epigenetic racial trauma as my parents went through a lot in UK themselves as people of colour and ethnicity. There may have been disordered people in that working environment and or just what I knew as part of my programs up to that point or what was inside me as unresolved abuse etc. A lot of associated trauma also surfaced different times and different ages there is a theme going on here of some kind.
Charlie
Hi Charlie,
My heart goes out to you. Yes it certainly can happen.
I’d love you to experience my Quanta Freedom Healing, which is a very powerful tool which allows you to find, load up, release and reprogram the trauma which needs to be addressed.
You can do that by joining my free webinar here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you for your good work, Melanie.
The narcissist in my life is my daughter. I love her and am very close to her child, my 3 yr old grandson. I am always offered opportunities to travel and be with them, and though I feel good about being included, and want nothing more than to be part of their family, but almost everytime I’m with them I become a target of her abusive behavior. Whenever she gets the slightest bit stressed or irritated, she goes after either me or her husband. Seems we take turns being her target. I have tried everything I know how to do to get it to change, and I now realize I must stop accepting these invitations (which breaks my heart) because no matter how I try it’s not changing. There are moments when it’s OK but I’m on pins and needles as to when the next attack is coming.
If this was a spouse, I believe I would have divorced, but this is my child and grandchild, and I know I will never cut myself off from them. What I need to do is learn how to be there and love her and draw strict healthy boundaries so she cannot get away with abusing me. I realise I will have to accept some loss of time and intimacy with my grandson.
Would love it if you could address some of the specific issues parents have when their child is disordered in this way. I have struggled with her temperment since she was born, even in the womb. Are some people just born with these reactive sensistve systems? I can’t help but wonder if I somehow contributed to her dyfunction in raising her, so I struggle with confusion and guilt. I have another child, 8 yrs older than her that has grown into a healthy, successful person. I simply did not and do not have these issue with him. I am trying to understand and to become as lovingly skillful as possible.
Any help or comments are much appreciated.
Hi Deborah,
You are very welcome.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is very painful in this community when people are struggling with narcissistic children, especially when grandchildren are concerned.
Please google my name plus child plus narcissistic and you will find several resources on this topic that I hope can help you.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Five and half years, 4 of which have consisted of me being baffled, belittled, bewildered and hell bent on trying to “fix” the situation.
I’ve been watching your videos, reading your social media posts etc for over a year learning about who I have been dealing with…but unable to
let go..until today. Recently spent the absolute worst Thanksgiving of my life…got hooked back in for the absolute most inane, gaslit,
degrading and seemingly “out of nowhere” outburst saying he was “done” just after decorating a Christmas Tree. I packed a bag and took my
dog and realize that something shifted and I, absolutely am DONE myself, being used, abused and abandoned. Whatever dysfunctional
magnet in me that drew this person to me…is being removed.
Hi Shelly,
I’m so pleased that you have let go and chosen you.
If you find that it’s hard to hold on in this position (which can be really normal), please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to find out how to shore yourself up and powerfully move forward.
Love and strength to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I am saying no to you and yes to me! Thank you Melanie
Hi Mary,
it’s my pleasure and I’m so pleased that you are partnering with you.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Does this ever get less exhausting?
Yes Narissa,
I promise you it does.
Have you come into my free webinar yet http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to find out how to truly get up and out of this for real?
I would love you to!
Love and hugs
Mel 🙏💕💛
I could have written no 5 my self i was married for 34 years had every holiday vacation special time ruined.i never understood what was going on why we could never have a happy time without him ruining the whole thing then there was no internet for years. but slowly as i.began to research on line i began to see what was happening .
no 5 is exactly what finished it for me he did it in front of my family and grand kids threw fits threw gifts around the house i had visitors staying for 2 weeks he did all this then spent 2 weeks i kid you not sitting in the garden shed stewing and when he did come in never spoke to anyone.that was enough for me i was done.i then found out he had my replacement waiting in the wings .so i was swiftly replaced with the new supply .that opened my eyes even more to what a nasty piece of work he was.melane i want to thank you so much i really needed to read your posts as this man still has the outside world fooled .i am now happily divorced less money but more content than ever. thank you so much
Oh gosh Ann,
Thank goodness you are without this now!
I’m so glad you feel validated.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I could have written no 5 my self i was married for 34 years had every holiday vacation special time ruined.i never understood what was going on why we could never have a happy time without him ruining the whole thing then there was no internet for years. but slowly as i.began to research on line i began to see what was happening .
no 5 is exactly what finished it for me he did it in front of my family and grand kids threw fits threw gifts around the house i had visitors staying for 2 weeks he did all this then spent 2 weeks i kid you not sitting in the garden shed stewng and when he did come in never spoke to anyone.that was enough for me i was done.i then found out he had my replacement waiting in the wings .so i was swiftly replaced with the new supply .that opened my eyes even more to what a nasty piece of work he was.melane i want to thank you so much i really needed to read your posts as this man still has the outside world fooled .i am now happily divorced less money but more content than ever. thank you so much
Hello Melanie, hello Fellow Healers:
oh, wow, do I have memories about my narc wife the one and only Christmas I got to spend with her. She lived in Mexico, I was in California and we were, at that time, preparing to move together, so I planned a trip down there with a suitcase full of presents for everybody. For her, I decided to buy her the car she always wanted, so I bought a miniature model of the same, painted it in the actual color and stuck the car key in it.
The festivities went on and after she opened said present, I saw her mother cry. I could not figure out, why and may not know today, why.
The car registration was also in the envelope. It read her name and mine, with my last name. Later, in the room, she quoted that this was not ‘her’ car, my name was on it. I was puzzled, wow, really? How selfish.
Next day I hear her steaming and shouting and packing a case, closing her room (which had all my stuff in it, clothes and medicine, etc) and locking it with a pad lock. Then she took off until five minutes before New Year’s Eve with tears in her eyes. Boy, was I foolish to tolerate and forgive!
Later that night, back in the room, she got nasty and said it was all my fault. Questions to her about the 6 day stint were unanswered.
I have a bucket of more stories for you all and may throw them in, if I see a good topic. Meantime, I remarried 30 years later with the most wonderful woman I could possibly have. All this was not possible until I cleaned my act up, the help of this site and Melanie’s coaching certainly did the trick.
Merry Christmas!
Hi Frank,
The behaviour is indeed bizarre!
That’s wonderful that you are now healed and happy married.
Much love and merry Christmas to you and your wife.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I retract all of my energy and leave you to your own pitty party. =)
Bless Iona,
Mel 🙏💕💛
I am ready to put myself first.I was married for 20years to an abusive alcoholic cheating and manipulating criminal lawyer. He must have been cheating the whole time while we were married.He met a young vietnamese woman twenty years younger than me.He started hitting me …we have 4 teenage children…they stood up for me..Roberto’s parents lie for him …his father Bruno is an alcoholic and did the same to his wife Diane…he is highly successful CEO…she just dealt with it and put it under the rug…and became very vengeful with me.She did everything to break my spirit blaming me
for Roberto’s drinking lying addictions and cheating.She went so far as to tell me to suck it up it’s your fault ….it’ll only be worse if you leave him.Bruno Roberto’s father once punched her in the mouth and broke her front teeth….Bruno is evil…
Xmas at their home was a nightmare…they started picking on the children …it was awful.
I was getting so confused….my children saw everything Roberto would bribe them not to tell me about his affaires…until one day he hit me I called 911…and he scratched himself and had me arrested.It took me 6 months with a good lawyer and family help…my children stood by me.Roberto did everything to break me and still does.His girlfriend supports his lies his parents hide his assets….and his new friends think I’m after his money.Roberto does not respect the judgement.He uses his profession to control manipulate and changes the events to meet his needs.I’m moving on but hate what he is doing to our 4 children. I am 53 years old going back yo school to get my master’s.I am in financial uncertainty. Robert earns ten times the salary he declares. I ‘m paying for a job that pays the bills where everyone prospers and a home full of love respect and dignity. I tell myself everyday I am the possibility of prosperity abundance and love .
I pray everyday. I wish there was justice for my children and I.
Thank you for your support.
Thank
Hi Gloria,
please know you are very welcome.
Myself and this community are holding the space for your breakthrough as well.
Sending you love, power and healing
Mel 🙏💕💛
I am ready to put myself first.I was married for 20years to an abusive alcoholic cheating and manipulating criminal lawyer. He must have been cheating the whole time while we were married.He met a young vietnamese woman twenty years younger than me.He started hitting me …we have 4 teenage children…they stood up for me..Roberto’s parents lie for him …his father Bruno is an alcoholic and did the same to his wife Diane…he is highly successful CEO…she just dealt with it and put it under the rug…and became very vengeful with me.She did everything to break my spirit blaming me
for Roberto’s drinking lying addictions and cheating.She went so far as to tell me to suck it up it’s your fault ….it’ll only be worse if you leave him.Bruno Roberto’s father once punched her in the mouth and broke her front teeth….Bruno is evil…
Xmas at their home was a nightmare…they started picking on the children …it was awful.
I was getting so confused….my children saw everything Roberto would bribe them not to tell me about his affaires…until one day he hit me and I called 911…and he scratched himself and had me arrested.It took me 6 months with a good lawyer and family help…my children stood by me.Roberto did everything to break me and still does.His girlfriend supports his lies his parents hide his assets….and his new friends think I’m after his money.Roberto is so convincing he is a victim.Roberto does not respect the judgement.He uses his profession to control manipulate and changes the events to meet his needs.I’m moving on but hate what he is doing to our 4 children. I am 53 years old going back yo school to get my master’s.I am in financial uncertainty. Robert earns ten times the salary he declares. I ‘m praying for a job that pays the bills where everyone prospers and a home full of love respect and dignity. I pray everyday I am the possibility of prosperity abundance and love .
I wish there was justice for my children and I.
Thank you for your support.
Thank
I do not remember all that you said, but I do remember something like rejecting whatever the narcissist throws out us and moving on with the day. This is what I am working on and have been for so long.
Hi Alexis,
absolutely detachment is so important.
Sending you love, power and freedom.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Exactly, I’m through it all so now I can laugh. I stay away at Christmas and celebrate with my kids during a time I know the Marc is out of town. I don’t make plans in advance that he can sabotage !
Done , Done and Done !! with messed up Holidays !!!
That is so wonderful that you are free now Suzanne.
Power to you lovely lady.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
These points are all good! They just about sum up everything.
I just stay away if possible.
If not possible I don’t anticipate a positive experience because there will not be one as long as the Narc is around.
Our Narc is “bi-polar” supposedly. He starts to have an “episode” beginning sometime before Halloween and it will end (usually with a big calamity or serious drama) after February 14th (Valentine’s Day).
It is so predictable I am laughing right now as I write this.
We all know and expect it (but we don’t tell him that!).
Hi Julia,
wishing you powerful detachment and peace this holiday season.
Much love to you and yours
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie, I had JUST posted questions about this exact subject after some holiday hoovering attempts by my ex over our Thanksgiving holiday here in the USA. THANK YOU as always for what feels like a camera into my life. This is amazing and helpful to know that there is a context to this behavior and that there are effective tools to address this. Your program has helped me SO MUCH! I am really enjoying this season WITHOUT the drama of being in the grips of a relationship with a narcissist. Many many blessings and so much gratitude to you.
Hi JGB,
I am so pleased that my material and my NARP program has helped you so much.
You go girl, and many blessings and much love to you as well.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
yes, I commit to this: I retract all of my energy and leave you to your own pity party. I am saying no to you and yes to me!
Many many thanks for this helpful episode. Will keep thriving. Thanks for your support. Wish you and your loved ones Merry Christmas
Ann
Hi Ann,
How beautiful that you have committed to this and to yourself.
Power, love and thriving to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie!!!
You’re a total God send. How did you know?
I almost skipped past this warning video thinking I was way beyond this point.
But guess who just rang my home doorbell, unannounced, having not spoken for months??? Yep. Then I thought of this video.
Since I’m clear across the country, I couldn’t possibly have answered the door. ☺️☺️☺️.
He was dressed to kill and probably going to ask me to dinner. I’m too happy being happy to go backwards. I wish him a fabulous life filled with love.
May the Grace of God keep him in health and direct his steps to contentment. May Love dissolve everything unlike Itself.
I just keep feeling Joy, profound Love and Gratitude.
Happy holidays
Hi Iris,
wow, how amazing!
That must have been very bizarre to see that!
You are incredible Iris, such an inspiration and a true Thriver of Love!
Bless you sweetheart.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Number 2 triggered a memory which describes exactly how my (now deceased) mother acted the last Christmas we spent at my parents home except we were visiting from across the country and she threw us out along with throwing the unopened presents we brought for them out on the snow covered front lawn. Why did she do this? Because we were 20 minutes late coming back from visiting my husband’s family in the same state my parents lived. In my mother’s mind we weren’t allowed to visit or enjoy anyone else during ‘her’ time. I wish I understood what narcissism was back then, but we didn’t have a clue why she exploded so viciously. We kept our distance for a couple of years after that and never received an apology or explanation. Of course in her mind her reaction was our fault. Sad part was my codependent father did and said nothing the whole time. About 7 years later she passed away from cancer. I set aside my hurt feelings to take care of her during her last months of life.
Oh gosh Kathy,
What a horrible and absolutely narcissistic reaction.
You are such a beautiful soul for nursing her in her final years.
Wishing you much happier festive times.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you Mel 💕
I retract ALL my energy
and
leave YOU to YOUR OWN PITY PARTY!!!!
I say NO to YOU
and
YES to ME!!!!!
This is great Sue.
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
It’s so timely I got this email. It has helped me so much. I have been no contact since May. A rollercoaster of ups and downs. Smear campaigns of revenge porn and more that left me suicidal and alone. Continual numeruous attempts at my expense to destroy me. But I have persevered. And doing great last couple months until the holidays. I accidentally stumbled upon an Instagram acct he planted for me to come upon….and its triggered me ever since. Why do I miss him and want to talk to him?? I keep remembering the last 3 Christmas’ and birthdays he ruined for me….year after year. He conveniently picked fights, ghosted me, had jealous fits about my family and friends who sent me wishes and gifts, etc….all the fights and punishments were my fault of course. No presents. Nothing. 3 years in a row. Stomach in knots trying to put on a happy face for my children. Wondering what I did. Was he going to talk to me? Call? Text? I had no clue what a narc was nor that a psychopath was a true diagnosis as well, until 10 months ago. What an eye opener! I have learned so much. What gets me, I’m so mad at myself, is I keep wondering how can I reach out to him..what can I say to get through to him?? How much I miss him….and for what?? I wonder will he propose to his new source? The one he was grooming last Christmas while we were fighting, that he denied having any connection with her….I was paranoid, jealous, pitiful, insecure and crazy….she was just an old friend you know. One of several I have found out about. And discovered his dating profiles all over the internet he has had for last 4 years. Again…all my fault. But I REFUSE to contact him because I know I will regret it. I know it will not end well. I know all he wants is to destroy me. And I know that sadly not all people can feel the same emotions as I do…what an eye opener. Thank you for this article and episode. It helped me tremendously and to know all those Christmas ‘ past he ruined was NOT my fault….not one bit?? Well that’s the best gift of all. Merry Christmas!
Sherri
Hi Sherri,
I’m.so pleased that this has helped you.
Dear lady I really want you to know that all of what you are feeling is absolutely hideous yet so usual after being narc abused.
Please check out NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp because this is my healing program that is a true solution to this and will help you do much.
Sending you relief and breakthrough from him this holiday season.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I once worked as school teacher in s c Catholic school, run by a priest as principal. He exhibited narcissistic characteristics. He abused me to the point of plotting to assassinate me, when I fought back with my pen, threatening to expose his sham. Tonia, I appreciate your website because it helps me in recovery from the abuses that I suffered from the narcissistic priest.
Holidays and the Narcissist Ex Husband!
Thank you so much for your 5 tips. It is scary and refreshing to hear others with similar pattern behaviors from their ex narcissists at the holidays and special events. This week my ex would not turn over our kids to me as per our court order a day before the holidays. Predicted by me? YES. Did he blame me for his actions? 100%. Three hrs later and the help of local police I’m grateful I got to spend the planned holidays with my sons. This was not the first nor the last time… my bday last year, day before custody hearing… ! My ex even told our kids “why don’t you just spend the night and week with me?” He had not intentions of turning over kids. He had every intention to set me up to go to jail. Our judge had just awarded me the holidays one month prior when he went after sole custody for the forth time in four years. It was rejected. Holidays are the worst and predicted tantrums of narcissists Why can’t the family court system see and address prior to avoid the affect on the kids. I go back to court in two months yet again being defendant for last four yrs to defend myself against the projection and countless lies. My next prediction this weekend despite our court order and NO exchanges at either parents home (due to me setting boundaries and him breaking and still showing up at my home) he will pick up kids at my home and say “he forgot” to the legal team and judge and get also on the wrist yet again. I set boundaries. I have a court order. I only ask for enforcement so there is an end! So… I pray for peace, continued strength and an end in 2020.
I’m in the stage of figuring out my kids father is a narcissist. He is on the smear campaign at my job. If I dont answer my phone when he calls there is hell to pay. He dont want to say anything its all nasty negative bullshit. I’ve learned from this site he needs his energy fix in the morning it now makes sense after almost 8 years of bullshit fighting and wondering why every morning. he has to try and beat me down about makeup my clothes. I’ve lost 40 lbs because I’m finally done getting pregnant he likes to say I get dressed for people to look at u or my boss I’m whore he says. I try so hard not to let him push my buttons cause I know I need to stay silent sometimes I fall for it I’m making a plan to have him removed he is sucking the life out of me
This article, in my opinion, should definitely be read! A superb job. It’s fantastic, and it has some great advice