Melanie Tonia Evans

What Really Causes Narcissism?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 10
115
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

How are narcissists, the people who have no empathy and the capacity to operate in conscienceless and malicious ways, created?

Is it nature or nurture, or is it both?

Is it due to abusive or neglectful parenting, or is it a roll of God’s dice?

What are the ways to stop it happening, or to reverse it?

There is a huge amount of consensus about whether or not narcissism is created by parents being abusive and neglectful, or as a result of them spoiling the child and constantly re-affirming how special this child is.

What is the truth?

And, what about those families who have loving parents and yet one child is distinctly narcissistic, even though the others aren’t?

How is that possible?

During this Thriver TV episode, I share with you my beliefs regarding narcissism and how and why it appears on this planet and in our homes, and why so many of us have come face to face with them.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I am going to share with you – exactly what narcissism is, as well as how it is created.

And, I also shed light on what we can do about narcissism cropping up in families everywhere, as well as being in epidemic proportions.

It is my deepest wish today, that as a result of watching today’s video, you have some answers and closure, and know what is necessary for you to become a generative force of goodness – the very opposite to narcissism – who can make a difference in your own life as well as all those that you touch.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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115 Thoughts on What Really Causes Narcissism?
  • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
    Linda
    March 7, 2018

    THANK YOU MELANIE! Hence the huge difference between who I am vs. my ex narc. At the beginning, as I was unraveling this mess, I actually thought that perhaps I was the narcissist. It was so scary. But as I worked through your program, releasing the trauma’s I endured in my childhood, and learning more about myself, I realized that I was just running as far away from the truth as possible, like them, BUT I knew the truth. I always had the goodness, the spiritual being, and I knew I deserved so much better than this. I had the capacity to be happy and fully understood that I had to role up my sleeves and start getting to work to make changes within myself. Being in a relationship with a narc, this was the mirror that was held to my face. A mirror that clearly showed this is not who I really am.

    So thank you for confirming all of this for me.

    I am in a much healthier, happier place. As for the narcissist, they will go on their merry way and will never have the peace and truth within themselves. They can’t because they are running, masking and hiding the real truth. But they know the real truth. And that’s probably the most scarier thing in life for them. Quite sad isn’t it?

    Not my reality anymore I’m happy to say!

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      March 7, 2018

      I know at times you did wonder if there was something wrong with yourself..how could they miss your goodness…they have no idea what love is unlike us..and we are giving people..we do need to build discernment and boundaries while we work the program…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Linda,

      it’s my pleasure!

      I love your awareness and the dedication you took to heal from the inside out with NARP.

      Big kudos to you 🙂

      It is sad, and it is what it is … thank goodness we took the evolutionary path.

      So much love and continued blessings to you.

      Mel xo

    • Sandiesellsaaz@gmail.com'
      Sandie
      March 7, 2018

      For the past 10ish years every time I read about narcissism I would say, “Oh, that is me! Not him”
      I then feel pain and regreat. Now that I’ve been listening to Melonies posts (must admite I still feel the same when I start listening). But my brain invariably changes course very quickly into a conscious adjustment of my thoughts.
      I’m learning, though VERY slowly to except what “Is” Is. My narrassist is now is my cell phone as “He is just bored”. I hope my rattling helps
      Yours truly,

      Never giving up

    • heinz@columbiawireless.ca'
      Heinz
      March 7, 2018

      Interesting the phenomenon that the ‘victim’ of a narcissist thinks he is a narcissist. The narcissist himself never thinks he is one!

    • Juldon53@gmail.com'
      Julia
      March 8, 2018

      Once I accepted the facts about the toxic relationship I was in with a narc and got thru the shock and denial I realized I had to act and take responsibility for my own recovery!
      With the help knowing so many others are going thru this I look forward to thriving I only get one life and I want to be free of this depression and anxiety. Thanks to all who are giving me hope to move forward to new beginings

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 8, 2018

        Hi Julia,

        that is so awesome you are on this path.

        Kudos and blessings to you.

        Mel xo

  • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
    Janet
    March 7, 2018

    Yes I understand that ‘trauma’ is what runs them..takes a codependent a long to stop analyzing them thinking they can fix them or that if in my case you just explain it to them they will say ‘oh okay and change’…lol…after 9 years my ex still will use threats/manipulation….because I kept looking for accountability thinking that a rationale person could do that…lol…I read too that the brains of narcissists are not dense in the area where empathy should reside…perhaps one can reach the end of the story that like Jesus ‘forgive them they know not what they do’…operating from their false self which is heavily defended you have only one choice that is healing the codependent of being a fixer due to their abandonment isues and feeling that there wasn’t enough love to go around as a child…they won’t listen and codependents have a strong need to be heard….oposite sides of the same coin but it’s only our side who can heal our own trauma….

    • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
      Linda
      March 7, 2018

      And we are doing it Janet! Healing our own trauma’s one step at a time and it feels so good, wonderful, and freeing I can’t even explain it. 🙂

      • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
        Janet
        March 7, 2018

        Yes we are..a process releasing early trauma…thanks linda

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Janet,

      that is so true – it is only us who can validate and heal ourselves – and then the healthy supportive life and people come.

      Mel xo

      • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
        Janet
        March 7, 2018

        And yes Melanie I reminded myself of all the good people sho showed up…

    • Sandiesellsaaz@gmail.com'
      Sandie
      March 7, 2018

      Thank you for sharing

  • avictoriavt@gmail.com'
    Amy
    March 7, 2018

    Having recently completed Module #5 of NARP, no, I don’t feel the need to know, or obsess about, narcissism or why one becomes a narcissist. However, I do find listening to what you have to say on the topic a reminder of the disease, the role I’ve played in it and the real-ness of it in our world. I find also a relief in knowing this phenomenon is identified and somewhat understood. I have the feeling that understanding this can increase awareness of the signs of narcissism going forward and so further reduce the possibility of future involvement with another narcissistic personality. Finally, it is validating to know that I am not alone in the journey and to hear discussion of this topic which is not typically a part of everyday communication with the world at large. On to Module #6 and thank you for having made it possible to stop the obsession.

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      March 7, 2018

      Yes Amy…knowing allows us to know how to be safe

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Amy,

      that is so wonderful that you are past that now!

      Thank you so much for your very thoughtful checked in answer!

      You are doing SO well Amy, you are beautifully on your way to Thrive!

      Enjoy Module 6 of NARP sweetheart!

      Mel xo

  • 1948met@gmail.com'
    mike metcalf
    March 7, 2018

    Loved this video. As someone who has been in individual therapy for most of the last 21 years I found your message that the most important thing that we can do is heal our own trauma. I’me the survivor of a NPD father, I am 70 and he is 90. Until I became depressed in my late 40s my self awareness was very limited, I am very thankful that I chose the path of healing. My 1st therapist whom I saw from 1997 until 2005 introduced me to the concept of narcissism, since then I have been passionate about learning all I could about it. My father is a classic covert narc. I went no contact 4 years ago and although it has been painful in many ways I have never regretted my decision. Thank you Melanie for the work you do.

    • winespell@gmail.com'
      Deborah
      March 7, 2018

      Bless you, Mike, for sharing this. I am somewhat younger but not all that much younger than you, and I so celebrate your recognition of and freeing yourself from narcissistic abuse, especially from a covert narcissist, the hardest type of all to recognize. Congratulations for going no contact and for affirming that freeing and healing ourselves from narcissistic abuse has no age or time limit. It’s our healing of ourselves and of our world and generations to come that is all that matters.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Mike,

      that is so great that you have brought it back to that simple and powerful truth – that we CAN control and work on.

      It’s my pleasure Mike and I am so pleased you enjoyed this episode.

      Keep up the wonderful work 🙂

      Mel xo

  • webdoar@gmail.com'
    Yaakov
    March 7, 2018

    B”H Great as usual Mel;
    Question.
    Is it possible to heal/cure a NPD enough to have a normal relationship?
    thanks & God bless you
    Yaakov

  • beccaspath@gmail.com'
    Rea Perry
    March 7, 2018

    Even as I listened to this, I caught myself trying to figure out why my ex husband is a Narcissistic! As a psychotherapist, I’m trained to examine and determine the causes of emotional problems in others. So giving up doing this with someone in my OWN life is proving to be very difficult, as I’m fighting against both my nature AND my training. My nature, of course, being shaped by trauma from the very beginning of my life. I’m afraid that therapists cannot “heal thyself”. Or at least, I haven’t been able to. I haven’t started the course yet. My life is in too much chaos right now. But as soon as I can, I will. I want to reclaim my life – not just from my marriage, but from a lifetime of serial narcissistic abuse, starting when I was just 3-4 years old. I feel so broken, and my life is in pieces around me. Sometimes I feel like I’m just too damaged. I pray that this isn’t the case, but I’m so sick and exhausted, and I’ve lost everything. But, Tonia, like you say, “There’s nothing else to do.” God bless all of you! ~ Rea

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      March 7, 2018

      I empathize since helping others is what you do for a living…it’s always hard when it hits close to home…learning not to give up on ourselves is key…never abandon ourselves…reclaim our younger selves taking back our power as Melanie’s 3 hour workshop tauight

    • winespell@gmail.com'
      Deborah
      March 7, 2018

      Bless you Rea. Please know that when your life is in too much chaos it is the most precious and important time to take Melanie’s NARP program. Please know that from my experience it is the only option for being the absolute number one priority in your life not just for yourself but for everyone.

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      March 7, 2018

      Just know you aren’t damaged…this community is wrapping their arms around you…you are a whole and loving woman…see your younger self at 3 or 4..i find closing my eyes and talking to my younger self of barely 2 helps assuring her I am here for her…just talk to your little girl..sing to her a lullaby…the things that soothe a child…we are all here for you Rea…God sees your heart as do your guardian angels

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Rea,

      I so relate, as a healer, before releasing my inner trauma, all I really was doing was helping others heal – yet it was only about attempting to manage trauma rather than fully releasing and integrating our self back together and emerge as a whole person – which is what NARP creates.

      You will be astounded at the difference and I can’t wait for you to join our incredible NARP Community.

      Mel xo

  • winespell@gmail.com'
    Deborah
    March 7, 2018

    Thank you so much Melanie, for being who you are and doing what you do. You and Quanta Freedom Healing healed me from the horrendously painful nightmare of Narcissistic abuse and led me to realize its purpose, to heal me from my childhood narcissistic generational traumas and to evolve and move on towards a better life and a more healed and enlightened future for humankind. A very painful but piwerful and important metamorphosis.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Deborah,

      you are so welcome and I am so, so pleased you found your way to this Community and NARP and back to you!

      It fills my heart with so much joy 🙂

      Many blessings and love to you!

      Mel xo

  • lizandcolton@yahoo.com'
    Elizabeth Peacy
    March 7, 2018

    Thank you so much for your emails and the work and knowledge you have shared and do share with all of us. This video and your way of healing is the best and most powerful I have ever heard and read and thank you for it! You are so right when you say in your video stop thinking about how the narsiccist became like they are and take charge of your own life and self and awareness.
    Thank you for all that you do for your heart to help so many people!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Elizabeth,

      Aww please know how welcome you are, and thank you for your lovely words.

      From my heart to yours 🙂

      Mel xo

  • lizandcolton@yahoo.com'
    Liz
    March 7, 2018

    Thank you so much for your emails and the work and knowledge you have shared and do share with all of us. This video and your way of healing is the best and most powerful I have ever heard and read and thank you for it! You are so right when you say in your video stop thinking about how the narsiccist became like they are and take charge of your own life and self and awareness.
    Thank you for all that you do from
    your heart to help so many people!!

  • kristaburlae@gmail.com'
    Krista
    March 7, 2018

    Hi Melanie–

    I love your work. You have made so much sense of something that so easily can turn into victim/perp, and then never get healed under that paradigm. I’m currently releasing traits born of my narc mother who, as I became relatively happy, completely cut me off and then trashed me to my entire family (most of whom are pretty disconnected). The pain of that is very much like a mass death, except they are alive and demonizing me for no apparent reason–making grief complicated. Your free resources are very helpful

    The biggest reason I’m writing is to let you know that there is a glaring error on this page: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage.htm?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=video&utm_campaign=what_causes_narcissism

    under the Workshop Button, in the description box the word Thriver is missing an ‘r’. Let me know if you need an editor to polish your work! I’m decently savvy!

    Lotsa’ love to your incredible journey.
    Krista

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Krista,

      thank you 🙂

      That is wonderful that you have taken the path of radical personal responsibility and releasing your trauma.

      Thank you Krista for your “spotting” and I will pass on!

      Mel xo

  • ball-kim@att.net'
    Kimerlea Ball
    March 7, 2018

    Yes, I have my answer, trauma. And what I can do now is to do NARP and heal and come back to wholeness myself by releasing the trauma that is in me.

  • brunosprudzans@gmail.com'
    Bruno Sprudzans
    March 7, 2018

    I am only starting my recovery and after watching this video,I couldnt help feeling sorry for my narcissist and wanting to help them overcome or heal ,Ithink Ishould not have watched it.

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      March 7, 2018

      That’s the overabundance of empathy we all have bruno…the challenge is to turn on all that empathy onto you..it’s so easy for how we are wired to give to others henc why we become depleted…the Narc doesn’t think there is anything wrong with them so it’s a waste of your valuable energy….turn the spotlight on yourself bruno..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Bruno,

      Module 6 of NARP is very powerful for clearing our the triggers within us that want to rescue the N … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      On the contrary, those feelings came up so that you can face them and release them … they are a VERY big hook that many of us have suffered from and have kept us handing our power to abusers as a result of them. It is perfectly understandable and often the roots lie in childhood – that we felt sorry for a parent that we couldn’t help and we wanted them to be ‘well” so that they could love us more safely … or over-responsibility at one’s own expense (martyrdom) was a mode we learned from a parent. Unconsciously it is so easy for us to fall back into that pattern in our adult relationships.

      Recovery incorporates clearing the traumas where we are over-responsible for those who are not responsible for themselves, at the price of not being responsible for our own wellbeing… and as a result, we keep enabling their bad behavior and being the recipient of it.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • nachitzin@gmail.com'
    Luis I Gameros
    March 7, 2018

    Everyone else has told my story and the now what is the best part. I am blooming where I am planted. I am no longer needy. The person who suffers from narcissism in my life is on constant “recalculate” these days and knows there is something a foot. I am regaining my strength both physical and mental. My spiritual experience, this total unmasking of myself to myself is divine. Convicting myself of the hate, pride and jealousy on which my noble narrative ran is a scream. I cannot yet believe I am free. I love me for who and how I am. I still find myself releasing the narcissistic person back to God and apologising for ever thinking I could do a better job. I live with a dirty child in my home who has freed me from being a control freak. I go about my life without even being missed. I have ripped the question ‘why’ from my dictionary and replaced it with the five reporter questions my Dad taught me, “Who, what, where, when and How.” De-traumatising myself has been the cause of an endless exponential burst of life giving love for myself that permeates my social intercourse. I am being me now. Wow, the only thing that is eternal! I bless all, most especially those here who show the signs of life, change, growth, development, evolution with all of its unpredictability, vulnerability, majesty and glory.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Luis,

      your self-liberation is something certainly to be celebrated.

      Well done!

      Mel xo

  • nevandjo@letsgo.com.au'
    Joanna
    March 7, 2018

    Wow, thanks. So to sum it up. Work on oneself ? Can you help a NPD ? What’s the dos and don’ts in helping a NPD ? Or are you going to say just work on yourself. And leave them to work on themselves or to their own devises, whether they do or not ?? This recording has helped me to explain to myself my older sister’s abuses. To have NPD you must have had trauma. I tend to agree. So does feeling sorry for them help heal the hurt caused by them ? I’m taking psychology class this year. On a different subject I also can’t help noticing much of homosexuality stemming from trauma. I’m struggling to find genuine cases where homosexual practice did not lead from trauma. Is saying something like this allowed in Psychology ? I guess I need to state my research. Maybe let you know what I find later this year.

    Thanks again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Joanna,

      You are very welcome 🙂 Yes – that is the only way.

      The do’s and don’t in helping an N is honour self, create boundaries and live your abuse-free life. If they want to meet you there – and they do the inner work to make that possible – great.

      I personally do not know of one credible case, where full-time contact takes place where that has happened.

      I do know of people living powerful boundaries who can have as healthy as possible Modified Contact with N’s such as at family events and business meetings etc. Such as if the rubbish starts they hang up the phone, leave or refuse to interact. The message is “Unless you can be respectful you get NO energy from me.”

      And if that is not possible – then No Contact, or Third-party contact, is the ONLY way – whatever that takes.

      The only way to heal the hurt caused by them is to do the inner work on ourselves – to release our trauma and then organically what emerges is compassion for them (with strong healthy boundaries).

      Homosexuality is not my area of expertise, yet my personal belief is there are people who were born homosexual, who displayed that preference from a very young age, as their ingrained personality – and were even brought up in families with heterosexual siblings. I know for example twin brothers, one very alpha male and one gay. I went to school with both and they were always like this – different – one masculine and one very feminine … and both born into a family with a loving still-together mother and father, who fortunately love both boys equally. Both men have long-term “marriages” with their partners. … I know other examples very well – of very functional gay people in settled monogamous and loving relationships that would be the envy of many heterosexual ones!

      I personally don’t have any problem at all with people’s sexual preferences and I find it sad that such judgment, shame and stigma ensues – which I believe is inflicted trauma on gay people in itself. Yes, agreed people could turn gay (or anything really) after abuse, but I certainly don’t believe a sexual gay preference is all to do with trauma!

      Mel xo

  • cynthia.servetnick@gmail.com'
    CynthiaSF
    March 7, 2018

    Simply superb! Thank you, Melanie.

  • chanishort@yahoo.com'
    Chani Short
    March 7, 2018

    I’m glad I listened to this because now is the time to see with “rose-colored eye-glasses” as apposed to wearing Spy versus Spy eyeglasses. Guilty until proven Innocent only causes me exhaustion. I would rather just come from a place of love without the worry of being shredded to pieces. Finding a balance is so hard. I do know that one attracts and lives the reality of what is going on inside. It’s just hard to stay in that knowing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Chani,

      I do agree that trying to figure it all out and keep reminding ourselves is full-on. It takes so much energy.

      Whereas releasing inner trauma and just becoming and living a healthy life is SO much easier – and that’s why I thoroughly recommend it.

      Have you tried my free webinar to experience what I mean? You will feel the difference straight away …. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • yourockthemoon@gmail.com'
    Moon
    March 7, 2018

    Hi Melanie, Thank you so much for being so generous with your knowledge.

    Until a couple of months ago I didn’t even know there was such a thing as NPD. It explained a lot. I’ve followed almost all of your advice and I’ve stopped trying to understand why the man who had been so caring and considerate turned into a stranger. I now remember that there were many red flags in the past but I did not take them seriously. All these has had serious impact on me and my children. 35 years later, when he left, and my children all grown-up now, we finally know what he is. We can put a name to it. I have 3 grandchildren now, and apart from healing myself, with my children healing themselves too, we will do our very best to stop this insidious epidemic from affecting the grandchildren. I don’t want any of my grandchildren to become a narc and what we know now, I hope they never will.

    I still have a long way to go, but I can already feel the change in me.
    Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Moon,

      Thank you and it is my pleasure 🙂

      Your words are like salve to the soul!

      I feel you shifting, healing and breaking these cycles.

      It only takes one person to lead the way – and you are doing that for your clan Moon.

      Big hugs and kudos to you!

      Mel xo

  • eve.pina@yahoo.com'
    Cynthia
    March 7, 2018

    Hello Melanie, thank you for this video! It has made me realize that I need to stop trying to figure out why my husband is the way he is…I have been with him for 6 years and we recently had a child. I feel stuck in the middle of the ocean drowning in an endless cycle. While doing research about 2 years ago I stumbled upon your site and it all made sense! At first I thought, I was the narcissist! He brreaks into my emails all the time and he started mentioning that I was the narcissist, that I have issues and am a horrible wife. I am understanding that I am codependent because of a physically abusive household and alcoholic parents, BP mother…I have left the relationship time and time again but keep falling back into it because he will go unimaginable lengths by stalking, spying, following me from work and hunting me down, begging for hours, days, weeks and months to come back. The last time I packed all my things secretly moved within a few hours…I was pregnant and he spent almost everyday ignoring me, putting me down, going out every weekend without an once of remorse. He told me he couldn’t stand my presence!! I had so much peace for the first time in years that lasted about a month begore he found out where I lived a demanded I speak to him because I was carrying his child…anyway Sorry for the long comment but I am aware of the situation though I just feel exhausted trying to get away from this…he and his family told me he will do everything possible to take custody of the baby if i leave. He is a good father to our baby though 90% of the work is on me and I had to leave my career to raise him because I couldn’t do both alone…I need the strength to recover from my inner trauma in order to have the courage to leave and not look back… is there anything I can do to help myself break this cycle and gather the tools to defend myself and my child. I do not want him to grow up in this unhealthy environment.

  • leighmason54@gmail.com'
    Leigh Mason
    March 7, 2018

    My son is narcissist like his Father, My daughter is like me-more empathetic and co dependent.my Father was a narcissist.my son sometimes is reasonable and loving,so I have concluded there is a genetic component but also an unseen behavioural component handed down from Father to son.
    In the same way my Father unconsciously taught me that life was all about him and I grew up feeling invisible.
    Thankfully,after grieving the loss of myself to trauma and abuse I am realising myself and am about to divorce my 2 nd husband after a brief marriage.Never again will I be unloveable or invisible!I love myself too much to every allow that again.
    Love to all.Thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Leigh,

      that is so wonderful that you had that inner shift inside and you are standing for your worth.

      Many blessings and incredible healing and breakthrough to you.

      Mel xo

  • flitter237.sb@gmail.com'
    Sarah Batten
    March 7, 2018

    Good morning all you peeps thank you so much Melanie you are starting to open my heart I didn’t feel it for a long time it was always everybody else I wish I could get on the NARK programme … just listening two all the insights it is opening my eyes thank you so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Sarah,

      you are so welcome!

      It is your time to heal Lovely Lady!

      You’ve got this 🙂

      Mel xo

  • lorrainewilcock529@gmail.com'
    Lorraine Wilcock
    March 7, 2018

    Such wisdom really enjoyed this. At some deep level I have known for some time I came to heal my family but to do that I have to heal fully first. I am about to begin the NARP programme gotta sort out printing off stuff and getting to grips with the digital age but I know at a deep soul level that this programme is for me. Thank you Melanie for bringing this gift to our wounded world

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Lorraine,

      that is so wonderful that you will be actualising what you know – and doing your mission for you, your family and this world.

      It’s beyond exciting that you are starting NARP!

      So many blessings to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • agie2311@gmail.com'
    Adrienne Oliver
    March 7, 2018

    I appreciate all your videos and want to say thanks for doing them! Also I do agree with what you said on this about how a narcissist is created.. I have one other theory on it tho.. the narcissist in my life ( the main one at least) not only has a father who defiantly set him up to become a narc but also his mother had a big roll in it.. She is the total enabler. She also has shown a closeness with her son (the favorite child) and I believe it was more an emotional insestual relationship.. I believe the love and attention she wasn’t getting from her husband, she would get from her child.. not a sexual thing at all only emotional and I believe that relationship has caused just as much if not more damage than anything else. Her son was the oldest boy and he unfortunately was put in positions he never should’ve been in between his parents arguments as well as physical fights trying to protect his mom.. So all that being said I would like to know your opinion on this..
    thanks so so much for all you do!!
    -Adrienne

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Adrienne,

      I totally 100% agree with you!

      Engulfment and emotional incest are beyond damaging.

      It’s my pleasure Adrienne and thank you for your comment.

      Mel xo

  • julietbutler@yahoo.co.uk'
    Juliet
    March 7, 2018

    Fascinating talk Mel!
    I was a good friend of Russian conjoined twins (Masha and Dasha Krivoshlyapova) for 15 years – one of whom was a narcissist and the other a codependent. They both suffered horrendous childhood trauma as they were taken from their parents – who were told they’d died – and kept in laboratory conditions for six years to be experimented on by Soviet scientists. Yet Masha became a malignant narcissist and Dasha her codependent victim. Why? Their different personalities were monitored by scientists from birth and from the first few weeks onwards it became clear that Masha was more demanding, tougher, more selfish if you will, having what the researchers called ‘a more robust nervous system’, than Dasha who was gentle, sensitive and eager to please from an early age.
    I’ve written a novel based on their true life story and while researching it I contacted identical twin researchers who say that it is possible for identical (or conjoined twins) with identical DNA to inherit different personalities from parents epigenetically. Masha was like her devil-may-care, risk taking father and Dasha like her sweet and gentle mother.
    I am a codependent and my brother is a narcissist yet we both had the same parenting . I do believe my observation of the twins and my research shows that a child who is born with more classically male traits (though of course they can belong to a female, like Masha,) of being tough, strong and less in touch with emotions, is more likely to become the narcissist and the one with female traits, the codependent. I’d be interested in your thoughts!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi Juliet,

      wow this is beyond fascinating – what you have just shared!

      Oh my goodness life must have been so hard for Dasha not ever being able to get away! I would love to have access to your novel. How can I please?

      I do agree with you Juliet that the aggressive emotionally damaged temperament is more likely to become narcissistic, whereas the more passive temperament is likely to become codependent.

      Absolutely!

      However having said that – the covert narcissist is much more passive (feminine like) than the overt – so this is not always necessarily true. Although I would agree that the most giving natured personality is likely to be the codependent in the face of trauma.

      Thank you so much for your post – and wow again!!!

      Mel xo

  • lynda.a.elliott@gmail.com'
    L
    March 7, 2018

    Hi Melanie

    I have a logical objection to the idea of “soul contracts”. It doesn’t make sense that the narcissist would live a life of torture purely to trigger healing in those they interact with.

    I do think that the only logical, intelligent response to narcissistic abuse is healing of oneself, but there is no apparent healing for the narcissistic. It can be useful to reframe the experience of abuse to highlight and heal the wounds within ourself, and this is the choice I have made.

    But soul contracts imply mutual consent at some level, and the choice to live a tortured life of the energy vampire defies logic. It seems more rational, to me, that the idea of “soul contracts” are purely for the benefit of the abused.

    How do you see it?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 7, 2018

      Hi L,

      what I believe is at the True level of existence, we are all One and there is only God and Love – even though whatever is playing out inbetween can appear to be different and “individual”.

      Also, we are all going home to “evolution”/ “the light” (including narcissists) because there is actually no other place to go. We never left – separation is an illusion, and just more of the “playing out” of growth. When there is no more possibility of growth we go back there and start again anyway.

      This is the article I wrote regarding what I believe is the truth (and what I experienced in my Life between Life experience) as the Soul Contract between us and a narcissist

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-soul-contract-with-a-narcissist/

      I hope that explains!

      Mel xo

  • lsingle52@gmail.com'
    Laurie Yair
    March 7, 2018

    I met my ex in my 20’s. He was quiet, shy. I thought to myself then: “oh goody, I’m sure he’s perfect”…but I didn’t heed to a particular sign- he tried to control me. He kicked me in my stomach when I was pregnant. Threw me down, broke my wrist…then, 25 years later when I moved out..I went back to visit him. His dirty faces somehow affected me for good…I told myself that I don’t need this!
    But he continues to abuse me thru my older daughter’s hostel. He convinced the police, my daughters psychiatric ward, his friends at his synagogue, friends at work that my daughter is sick and that I’m a bad mother…so even tho I’ve been away from for three years, he constantly finds ways to abuse me – especially thru the hostel (which, like EVERYONE else – sides with him)
    Melanie, you can NEVER HEAL from a situation like this. The most you can do is to stay away, as far away as possible from a narcissist because they destroy you. This same man threw a chair at my older daughter and almost took out her eye…he threw her down millions of times and onto wet floors…she is 22 with 5 disorders incl PTSD,OCD, SCHITZOPHRENIA, a mood disorder and psychosis. I have tried my hardest to keep her away from him. It never worked.

  • Angeltalk710@aol.com'
    Theresa
    March 7, 2018

    Amazing insight and wisdom yet again Mel. Your videos are healing works of spiritual art. Thank you. Sending love from the U.K, Theresa Xx

  • mlclulow@gmail.com'
    Marilyn Clulow
    March 7, 2018

    I have lived with a narcissist for 55 years, I am 82 and he is 77. I was attracted to him because he made me laugh at a time in my life when I needed to laugh, he was and still is very charming and very brilliant intellectually. For many years , almost from the beginning of our marriage the narcissistic behaviour started, I had no idea what it was, I had no label yet for the behaviour. Initially I was cowed, subservient and depressed, but I did not know yet, that although I appeared weak, I had a loving nature and a core of steel, just waiting to be brought out . I had 3 children, I was pregnant with my 3rd when I woke up, I went to a consciousness raising meeting put on by a woman’s liberation group, this was late sixties, early 70’s. I had to ask permission of my husband to go to this meeting, I had no idea how pivotal it was going to be in my life. I left the house one person, cowed /submissive and returned home 2 hours later, a total warrior woman , no one was ever going to mess with me ever again, I went from being a total co -dependent because of my own abandonment issues to the strong self confident badass but still very loving and caring woman I am today. I woke up to my own spirituality, I was an RN when I married, went to University where my husband lectured , did graduate work in Psychology and started on my journey of self healing. I recognize that my husband was my angel in disguise . Because of who he was I became a better person. I left and lived on my own many times in our marriage after the kids left home . I was able to bring up strong successful, self confident children 2 girls and a boy, who are able to love their father, I helped them heal from his abuse. I have been able to give up all anger and resentment and learn to really love and feel genuine compassion for this man. He is stil a narcissist, he can never heal, but he is loving , as much as he is able , his narcissistic behaviour is still there, but totally modified. He would never leave me but he knows I would leave him at the drop of a hat. He needs me, I don’t need him, I am responsible for my happiness, I do what makes me happy. I travel on my own a lot for my art work and my spiritual conferences /retreats, this feeds me. I return home refreshed and happy and he is happy that I returned. He still makes me laugh, he is still very charming and I am peaceful, thanks to my reading , learning and growing , I have learnt that nothing was ever done to me it was always for me. I am grateful that I woke up to an awareness of being on my spiritual journey and that understanding has brought me to where I am today and I am pretty Ok with that. As I said I am 82,told I look 60, I am slim , trim , work out regularly at the gym, no wrinkles yet , great zest for life, still travelling and still a badass. Quite the journey, but I survived and am eternally grateful, wouldn’t change a minute of my journey, I was taken to my knees many , many times, but I always got up, stronger than ever. Thank you Melanie you came in late into my journey but I nevertheless learnt much from you, thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2018

      Hi Marilyn,

      that is so awesome that you are living the badass Thriver Way!

      Staying with a narcissist is not for everyone – it certainly wasn’t for me – but so important to realise the difficulties and to recognise if it can be livable or not.

      Some people also, understandably – just as myself would – want that fully embodied experience of sharing with their love-partner – naturally with a narcissist, there are many fundaments that just can’t be.

      You certainly have, however, honored your journey beautifully.

      Mel xo

    • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
      Val
      March 12, 2018

      Dear Marilyn, what an incredible life you are living ! thank you so much for sharing some of it with us. very inspiring and what a beautiful person shines through your words. … any blessings be with you xx

  • Hoffhall@hotmail.com'
    Mary Hoffmann
    March 8, 2018

    Hi Melania. You talk about the blue pill and the red pill. We, as individuals can provide the right pill to others by speaking up when opportunity presents itself. Either through divine intervention (being at the right place at the right time) or actively speaking and nurturing others when we see them being abused. Reminding people (children) of who they are and how special they are, or, telling them that even though life may seem difficult or unfair they can rise above it we become that blue pill they need so desperately. Opening our mouths or not can mean all the difference in that person’s life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2018

      Hi Mary,

      very true – yet when what we say is not aligned with soul truth – meaning not having conditions or expectation connected to it – people may never hear our words, and we only get the experience of them supplementing our fear or concern for them.

      As a healer, I found that that the people in my life don’t hear me unless I am living by example the change I would love them to take – and also when I bless their journey as divine for them – as a perfect unfolding – no matter how it looks.

      (I feel this was important to clarify for those who may read our exchange!)

      I adore how you say – seeing in others who we know them to really be … that is SO the space we need to hold for them.

      Thank you for being a source to remind people.

      Mel xo

  • Mcampini3@gmail.com'
    Marlene
    March 8, 2018

    Hi Melanie
    Thank you for all of your videos – but this one especially. As an empath I feel we are always seeking the “why’s.” However, once we take the steps to heal ourselves we realize the why’s are within us. Couriosity is always within us – and I believe that’s what separates us from the narcissist – it gives us that tiny bit of courage to heal. Thank you for what you do and supporting us. Without you, my healing would not be where it is today! Much love!

  • thewolfs777@gmail.com'
    Dana
    March 8, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    I love your videos, particularly this one. In making these videos, you do a wonderful service for humanity. So many are suffering from being abused at the hands of narcissists. One huge problem that has recently reared its ugly head is the narcissistic children who have estranged themselves from their parents and took their own children along for the ride. In doing so, not only are they not healing from their own traumas but they are creating new traumas for their children. It’s heartbreaking.

    I am one of those parents/grandparent. You described me perfectly. I was the mother who made my child feel like she could conquer the world. I made her the center of my own world. I had absolutely no idea what I was creating in her but as she got older I realized that somehow I had given my power over to her. When she had her children, I enabled this behavior even more because I didn’t want to lose out on a relationship with my grandchildren which ultimately happened anyway. I allowed my daughter to use me so I could see my granchildren. Some part of me inherently knew that if I didn’t go along with her demands, I would lose them.

    The estrangement started with my daughter 2 1/2 years ago. She blew up a disagreement and walked out of my life. Basically, she had evolved to the point where she no longer needed my help with anything. She spewed the most vile and ugly things and accused me of being a terrible mother. I was shocked. I guess I had been in denial for so long that when everything finally did blow up I realized the world I knew for so many years was ending. For awhile I tried to hang on. But, she became extremely difficult to deal with and nothing I could do was going to satisfy this rage she had in her. It seemed she was on a mission to find the most hurtful things to say to me and, the most hurtful things to do. My granddaughter was too young to really be aware of what was going on but my grandson was very negatively impacted. He and I had always been very close and we had always spent a lot of time together. I noticed that he stopped being affectionate with me in front my my daughter when I went to pick them up for our monthly “dates.” After he got in the care he was back to his old self. Who knows what this poor little boy was processing in his head.

    The visits with my grandchildren became less and less and the phone calls were pretty much non-existent. I didn’t receive calls on Mother’s Day or my birthday My husband didn’t receive calls on occasions either. I tried to make the best of it for the kids. At this point I didn’t even care if my daughter ever spoke to me again but those kids were my world. As I knew she would, she eventually took them completely away from me as well. She hadn’t been able to control me any longer so the final punishment was to remove my grandchildren completely.

    I still send them gifts and now and then I will get a call from my granddaughter thanking me but I don’t hear from my grandson. I don’t know if my granddaughter was bugging her mother to talk to me or my daughter wanted some kind of attention but she got nothing from me. My daughter was jealous over the relationship I had with my grandson. The kids are 5 and 8 so they are still dependent on their mother for the phone, computer, etc. I’m hoping and praying that when they are older they will reach out to me. I do expect that sooner than later she will start returning the gifts I send to them. I pray the kids won’t forget me.

    This only child of mine, my beautiful, intelligent, articulate, funny and lovable kid has completely turned on me, my husband (who adopted her), my sister, her cousins and my parents. She ripped those kids from so many people who love them. She put me into dire financial circumstances by choosing to not repay the student loans that I signed for her totaling thousands and thousands of dollars. Even if I could afford to pay them back, I don’t think I would.

    I haven’t recovered yet. I’m working on it. I know what I have to do. Some days I live right on the edge and am scared I will topple over but I keep fighting and trying to learn and understand. I understand the TRAUMA. My daughter had plenty of it in her young life. She was abandoned by her biological father. And so, it continues with her own children. She is traumatizing them by removing their grandparents from their lives. This is the part that makes me sick. This is the part I can’t get over. This is why I cry. Do you have a cure for this? Do you have a recipe for healing for this?

    Thank you, Melanie. God bless you for what you do.

    Love and light,

    Dana

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2018

      Hi Dana,

      Oh gosh – yes I do have a cure … NARP.

      I don’t know how often I need to say it … that is how we heal ourselves and our loved ones from all aspects of Narcissistic Abuse, no matter who the abuser was.

      Please know many estranged parents and even grandparents in this Community have used NARP to heal the traumas of the abuse they suffered from their children and have healed these traumas to completion.

      Many of them have also been reunited with those they love – even after decades of alienation.

      Here is the link – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and please know the NARP Forum is an invaluable resource http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to help be supported by other NARPers who have gone through or are going through what you are.

      Sending all my love, well wishes and blessings.

      Mel xo

  • x_thetic_canoe@yahoo.ca'
    Philip Chester
    March 8, 2018

    Dear Melanie,

    You are a truly amazing person. Your insight into narcissitic abuse has really helped me to understand the trauma I experienced…and why.
    Your words have gravitas and your manner of expression is very welcoming. Thank you for sharing your gifts with the world.

    This is not a criticism as such, but as a matter of gender equality, would it be possible to show the face of an angry narcissitic woman, too? I have seen that face and it still haunts me. Melanie, I seem to be the only man to post a comment on this Thriver episode. This surprises me. Would you have any reasons or insights as to why this is ? Maybe this could be the subject matter of a future Thriver episode and I apologize if you have already done so.

    You are a real mentor for me and for thousands of other victims, men included.

    All the best and more power to you,

    Philip

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2018

      Hi Philip,

      I am so pleased I have been able to help and thank you for your lovely words.

      Philip please know we do have many, many men in our NARP Community as NARPers working the Program and being supported as full equals in our Community – we even have male moderators in our Forum.

      Have you thought about getting involved in the true deep healing at that level – because I promise you there – when we go this – there is no feelings of missing out or even gender issues – we are just ALL in this together … as ONE.

      Mel xo

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    March 8, 2018

    Hi Mel,
    Thank you for addressing this question! I’ve asked you in a post a few weeks ago to explain what may have caused my ex NARC (who grew up with loving parents) to become one. And so, I was delighted to see your email pop up in my mail box with a video answering that !
    I wish I knew what was the trauma that caused him to be who he is, but you’re right- there is no point in obsessing over that. I do see, though, how his loving parents fail to put bounderies now, even when he abuses them. They continue to try to explain to him how to behave, bailed him put of jail after abusing his recent girlfriend, and give him money- after he took so much from them.
    So I can only imagine how they enabled him as a child. I guess I’ll never know how, because his mom told me that ‘everything was fine when he grew up.’
    I wanted her to tell me what red flags she saw when he was child, so that I can learn. But she won’t and, you’re right, it doesn’t matter. As a NARPer, I’m very focused on raising my children as healthily as possible.
    Thank you for your life changing lessons!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2018

      Hi Jane,

      I am so happy I went with your suggestion!! It was such a great question 🙂

      I would assume she was doing as a mother does – when she knows no different – love possibly without setting limits and not letting her child find his own way through disappointment and challenges. Which is a cause of enabling entitlement, and a lack of self-soothing.

      Boundaries are limits are vital to embody.

      It’s my pleasure Jane and keep up the great work.

      Mel xo

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    March 8, 2018

    Hi Melanie!
    I have similar shirt like you (or mine is white)!!! 🙂 It’s so pretty!! (I bought it in Europe)

    Hmm, I became sort of sad listening to this video. I feel sorry, empathy towards the n. But not “actively” feel it, so that he would know it and use it as “energy source”! (we have no contact anymore, because he dumped me and has remained firmly silent ever since).

    I used to think (before healing) that I was his victim…now I think the truth is, he is the biggest victim of his own narcissism!
    It’s sad some people (the n’s) live their entire life like this. Somehow it reminds me of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie, the cursed souls who will never get to the land, get peace.

    I actually think, some ex boyfriends, so called normal ones (non n), if they lied, cheated, dumped or did something that hurt me…I feel I cannot forgive them. They have consciousness, they know what they were doing which sort of makes it even worse. But the n, I can actually forgive him everything…he doesn’t know what he is doing, he “can’t help himself”, I don’t need to take his crazyness personally.
    I don’t know if this the the right conclusion or healthy thought? But forgiving him does not meet I approve his behaviour or would continue relationship with him.

    You are right and this is something I can even be grateful about to him and this experience, he “forced” me to start to do inner (or not “he”, but this experience, pain) healing, become conscious. So it was a huge awakening. Nowadays I’m different person what I was before I met him…positively different! Of course, it’s been a long process.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2018

      Hi Anna,

      How lovely 🙂 I got quite a few of them – different colors in Thailand recently – I love them too!

      Anna, to me the truest level of forgiveness is knowing there is nothing to forgive. When life happens for us and not to us – every hurtful thing that we take to heart that someone does “to” us, is a sign “for” us of unhealed trauma that we have within us. They are showing us the unresolved wounds we have of not feeling honored, committed to or granted loyalty from important people in our younger years.

      People’s relationships with us are also showing us how we are not as yet fully, loving, committed and loyal to ourselves.

      They are all A.I.D’s (Angels In Disguise posing as “abusers’) Narcissists or non-narcissists.

      If you do your own healing I promise you will reach this place of gratitude and freedom for ALL of it – and that’s important because without that level of embodiment of the lessons and healing, we are doomed just to relive more of the same.

      Mel xo

  • yelseld@hotmail.com'
    Lesley
    March 8, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    I believe it is so true that narcissism can be passed down epi -genetically, I’ve seen it in my family. My eldest child was born angry and has displayed narcissistic behaviours her whole life. Both her maternal and paternal grandmothers were narcissists, and her father was a covert narcissist. My younger child is total opposite, loving, empathetic and is filling her life with joy and empathy. She has also perused counselling for herself to release her childhood trauma, the trauma of having a narc father and sister and codependent mother.

    Many thanks for your fabulous videos x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2018

      Hi Lesley,

      I totally agree it is so true!

      You are very welcome Dear Lady 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jonassahlberg@hotmail.com'
    Olivia
    March 8, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    I believe narcissists are created by putting a label on them and boundaries that they are not allowed to go outside of which they don’t fit in.
    In fact we do this to children today before they are even born, its a girl ! its a boy ! is the sound of the doctor doing the ultrasonic, when all the doctor can tell is what the Childs outside is, no-one cares or even thinks about the inside of the child, or what the child would want. As soon as the doctor tells the parents, the parents paints a picture of what the Childs life is going to be. The child has no say whatsoever about its own life. The child is forced to create an ego to fit what the parents want it to be to gain their approval and love, and depending on how strong you are, the damage inflicted on you, and how well you fit that “box”, you might end up narcissistic.

    I believe that the “male parent” I had growing up is actually female, which is also why I ended up like I did. There are many signs for that being the case, but I don’t feel that its necessary to list them all. I have also seen several “female” individuals with Npd which have a way about them that screams male to me.

    The body you live in isn’t you, it does not make you you, its just a vehicle to move through life in. Ask yourself if you went to get a new car, and you got the wrong one, are you a different person then ? what happens when everyone expects you to act differently because your car is wrong and no-one believe it is ? do you create a ego to be accepted by the tribe or do you go against what everyone wants you to be ?
    There are of course varying degrees and many different cases of this but I do believe that this is a big part of it.

    Five decades ago it was mostly about working and survival to keep the family alive, not so much about being yourself. I believe the reason why things are so tumultuous now is because Humanity is preparing for a shift, we need to feel to release 🙂

    All the best,
    Olivia

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2018

      Hi Olivia,

      I totally agree that this is the massive shift – toward self-honor, self-awareness and partnering and self-health.

      There is no other way we can serve ourselves, others or our world authentically.

      Mel xo

      • jonassahlberg@hotmail.com'
        Olivia
        March 9, 2018

        One big reason Im still alive is to help people see things that I can because of what I have gone through. It is important to me to help make things better for all of us.
        But the moment I hit the post button I realised I have a lot more healing to do, I’m not going to reach anyone like that and its the opposite of what I want.
        I cant take that post back now but I can make this one more uplifting. <3

        Olivia

  • eringillespie4@aol.com'
    Erin
    March 8, 2018

    Hi Melanie
    I love your videos and the NARP program so much. I have been doing your modules and working very hard on myself. I am currently engaged in a horrendous court battle over my son who has been diagnosed with autism as well as giftedness. Of course, his father has done everything yoh describe. He has accused me of child abuse, alcoholism, and even filed criminal charges. It seems like an exhausting never-ending battle. I am a physician and so normally dont know too much about “quantum healings,” but I was so far down at the bottom that I decided to give it a shot.
    After working for a few months, (and doing some EMDR for PTSD), the authorities finally see what he is doing, just pike you said. My case is turning a corner, and they are are the verge of awarding sole custody. I have three more court hearings, and his behavior is starting to become so erratic that I am actually in hiding because I am afriad for my life. Melanie, what would yoh suggest I do to get through the rest of this? You have helped me and my son so much so far.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2018

      Hi Erin,

      I am so happy that you did give Quantum Healing a go and that things have reversed (so within – so without).

      Erin, sweetheart just keep releasing all that hurts and every fear that presents from within or without – and keep showing up – that’s ALL you have to do!

      You’ve got this.

      Mel xo

  • lightworker27@hotmail.com'
    Matt
    March 8, 2018

    Hello Melanie how often will you be doing live Q&A on facebook?

  • pollyannfrey@gmail.com'
    Polly Ann Frey
    March 9, 2018

    Trauma……brain injuries/ physical. You do not mention how a blow to the head can change a person’s personality.
    How illnesses / drugs, alcohol can interfere with a child’s developing brain.It takes 25 years more or less
    For a human brain to develop…..from conception. Look at the traumas our culture exposes our off springs to?
    Military “ training” re-programming in special forces can destroy the human’s ability to BE OR SHOW
    COMPASSION. THE NATURAL “fight or flight”. FEAR. YOUR LIFE IS WORTH NOTHING? Take the young
    Boys and girls at 18 and make them into to killing robots? WITH NO EMOTIONS OR SELF PRESERVATION?
    And don’t dare mention the governments development of MIND ALTERING CHEMICALS GIVEN TO OUR WARRIORS ( without their permission) AND THE DRUGS to those THEY CALL OUR ENEMY?
    And should our young survive the WAR…bring them home and abandon them as if they are damaged
    Piece of trash. Look what occurred after the VIETNAM WAR.

  • aileeno39grady@ymail.com'
    Alina
    March 9, 2018

    This video really makes me want to be the best mother I can be for my 3 children so that I can end the cycle of trauma and give them what I was never able to have-a healthy sense of self. So that they will never have to go through the abusive awful relationships that i’ve had. So that they will instinctively know that they are worth so much more than that and would never accept it. So that they will grow up to know that love is not something that has to be earned or won but something that they deserve just for being them. I want so much for them that I never had, that’s why I am glad I escaped the narcissist because if I stayed they would be damaged but because I got away they will not be affected by it even tho I am on my own with 3 kids I know it is hard but it is still better for all of us because of that they will know unconditional love, which is my greatest wish for them. xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2018

      Hi Alina,

      I love your passion that is such a pivotal change in the necessary emotional intelligence that our world needs!

      So many blessings to you, your children and their children.

      Thrive on beautiful lady.

      Mel xo

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Hannah
    March 9, 2018

    Dear Melanie

    As this episode came to an end I thought – “She just gets better and better!” It all makes sense – now. I have been making connections for many years without knowing what it was that was “wrong”; I’ve always lacked the tools to synthesise and integrate my life experiences. I’m not religious but as a child I sang in a church choir and remember a phrase from the Bible (one of only two) which has always stuck in my mind. It is along the lines of, “The sins of the fathers shall be visited on the children.” (And it goes on to mention that this is to the third or fourth generation…!) Of course the numerous translations vary a bit. Even when I was young I knew that in this context “sins” didn’t mean bad actions but “things which were wrong with” – as I now understand it – TRAUMA.

    I’m keeping on “NARPing” and things are getting better>

    Many, many thanks as usual
    Love from Hannah

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 9, 2018

      Hi Hannah,

      That is wonderfuly this resonates and you are embodying these truths so deeply.

      So much love.

      Mel xo

  • lisajuergen4@gmail.com'
    Lisa Juergen
    March 9, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    I heard you say the narcissist was made because of trauma and the disconnection from the self and presenting with a false self. Yes, narcissists can be born. Let’s move on from them now.
    More importantly we as Empaths need to turn inward to heal our own traumas, this is the only way to fully connect to your true self. Bottom line is be open to new and uncomfortable situations because that’s where the best challenge and learning something new is found. The only thing to fear is really fear itself

  • Rubyemily7@yahoo.com'
    Emilyv
    March 9, 2018

    I’m learning to hold my boundaries, self partner and release my trauma.

  • dannapye@gmail.com'
    Danna Pye
    March 9, 2018

    So excellent. Thank you!!!! Such an important video. The most important thing to me now as a survivor/thriver is to help raise my children to be healthy, excellent humans. Despite the horrifying state of the world, it is so amazing that such highly evolved beings like you are spearheading radical change. Thank you so much for any/all help you are giving to parents who have survived Narcissistic Abuse and want to prevent any more generations from suffering. <3 So grateful to you, Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2018

      Hi Danna,

      You are very welcome and how wonderful that you are passionate about being a force of change for you and your children.

      Much love and blessings.

      Mel xo

  • jjandme33@gmail.com'
    laura
    March 9, 2018

    Brilliant, coherent and healing- a convincing argument for healing theough the NARP program. I appreciate and respect the program’s effect on my recovery .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2018

      Hi Laura,

      Thank you and I’m so pleased this resonated with you.

      I am so happy for your recovery 😀

      Mel xo

  • piglet8791@yahoo.com'
    Cat
    March 10, 2018

    Such incredible insights here on this blog! Thank you. I’d love to learn more about what ‘quantum’ means in your and others view and experiences. Is there a blog that delves further with that?

    Secondly, finding answers to why these narc behaviours arise, has been important (from my experience) because it enabled me to understand and get free of the cycle of abuse (I.e. become consciously aware of my own reactions and behaviours and how they were enabling / and then help to replace that with healthy reactions and behaviours),

    …but I also want to add that there were a number of behaviours in my relationship that didn’t fit the classic profile of a narc. And early on what really opened my eyes initially was someone seeing (a distant relative) that the behaviours were psychosis and borderline personality disorder. Just want to mention that because dealing with a borderline individual with covert narc traits had its own unique challenges that led me to Melanie’s website. I actually googled ‘healing my wounded child’ and then that’s when I discovered all the other behaviours were narcissism.

    So, recognising psychosis and how to safely cope / remove myself / deal with the fallout / protect myself and now with your (amazing!) program stay separated, and heal. It required keeping an open mind and not sticking to one ‘label’ too much. Otherwise I never would have found NARP and made these incredible discoveries about thriving.

    I also love how this blog reveals an ancestral trauma piece. I grew up with a house full of post partum depression, schizophrenia, sociopathy, psychopathy and narcs. What a cocktail!. It’s so interesting how differently me and my siblings have developed out of that environment. This makes me respect and honor and accept that we are all on our own own soul journey and this amazing classroom of life is here FOR us, wow. I have so much more healthily detached compassion for the outcomes, the past, the present and the future.

    It’s just an incredible feeling to be given these gifts of NARP healing, for evolving and generating the most incredible joy and strength in life. I’m loving the modules. Absolutely loving it so much I cannot wait to get home from work each day a shift more stuff because I feel so incredible doing this work. The motivation is in the doing…. and it’s ALREADY having a huge impact on my life, work, relationships.

    For example wonderful, whole, centred, friends have been suddenly making contact, a promotion at work popped up out of no where, and buyers for my property came totally out of the blue. It will release me financially from my ex BPD narc – AND it’s all happening within days of starting the modules. And the blogs and thrivers insights have helped keep me strong during enormously tricky negotiations and hoovering, too. Wow. It cannot be a coincidence. Love, light and peace to everyone. Thank you Melanie! You deserve a Nobel peace prize or something! 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2018

      Hi Cat,

      I highly suggest reading material by Joe Dispenza, Bruce Lipton and Candace Pert for Quantum understandings.

      Cat I am incredibly happy for you that the time is so right for you to heal and that NARP is allowing you to make quick and powerful changes within and without.

      So many blessings to you and thank you for your lovely support and encouragement.

      Mel xo

  • Martijn@mustreads.nl'
    Martijn
    March 17, 2018

    Thanks Di, how did you go?

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    March 19, 2018

    Thank you, Melanie.

  • Cathympetrie@gmail.com'
    Cathy Petrie
    March 20, 2018

    Hello Melanie.
    I am so inspired by your tv series.
    “Releasing the traumas” That has been so helpful for my journey. I am still living with my husband and it can be toxic and very difficult. But my children are raised now, all else is gone, money, status, all we worked for. He looks after him. I have used grey rock to his silent behaviour, internet abuse, alchol abuse, now for almost a year.i now see his behaviour. I call it bad behaviour. My boundary is that I do not wish to live the way he does so if bad behaviour continues I retract.,
    I am very very very slowly getting better and I realize that releasing the traumas help but I think it will be on going for the rest of my life. I will let the pain go through. I envision that I am the light and I light my path. I have given up with ever holding on to anything now. It is better this way.
    Thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I realized that he too is in pain, however he will not help himself.
    I will continue to strive. So much thanks to you.
    I am no longer a victim.
    C.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 20, 2018

      Hi Cathy,

      I am so pleased it helps!

      That is so great that you are pulling away and gaining you back!

      Kee going Lovely Lady, you are so on the right track!

      Mel xo

  • Latasha_Foster@yahoo.com'
    Tasha
    March 21, 2018

    I am fresh out of a relationship with a narc. Literally 3 days ago I finally ended it. Right now he’s still contacting me and threatening me. He goes from I love you, to your doing this because of another guy, to I see your true colors Im glad I got out. He’s also threatening to put up pictures and videos i sent him during our relationship. Im not sure what to do. Should i just ignore him or go to the police, I’m not sure. But I’ve watched a few of the videos already and I understand that yes he’s severely broken but I’m broken as well.

  • cbkdc@earthlink.net'
    Kelly Catherine
    April 10, 2018

    Can true pathological narcissism be healed?
    Are they incapable of empathy forever?

  • Kellie.mendelow@gmail.com'
    Kellie
    June 14, 2018

    I have just started resting and listening to your amazing work. I am divorced from a Narcissist and addict. We have three children together. He also alienated my son from home for two years.
    I am working hard now to thrive and look forward to participating at a higher level in your program very soon.
    I do not obsess (or rarely) any more on the “why” of his narcissism. I know there will be no resolution there. I know I can only work on and change myself. From within.

    I can’t thank you enough for your words and your help. I am focused on thriving and creating a new reality for myself. And hope I can therefore create a better self for my children and stop the cycle.
    Much love to you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 14, 2018

      Awww Kellie,

      I love your orientation and focus.

      You are a blessing to you and your children!

      Keep up the beautiful work 😀

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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