Melanie Tonia Evans

Do You Still Feel Emptied Out, Exhausted and Powerless?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

It is incredibly common to feel immobilised, guttered and barely able to function in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. Especially when you have broken away, and are no longer tied up in the fight of survival.

Every day normal tasks may seem beyond comprehension, let alone being able to do them. In fact many people can’t function, they may have to stop working, or may even succumb to being hospitalised.

We all know that narcissistic abuse is awful and tough, but I also want you to consider another reason why when narcissistically abused we crumble into total powerlessness, as if we had been hit by a truck.

The great thing about this reason is that it has nothing to do with the narcissist, meaning the necessary recognition and changes are totally something we can do something about.

I have found a common thread to be consistent with most victims of narcissistic abuse, and that is we are the type of people that are used to giving out energy to everyone else but NOT to ourselves.

This week I want to share a story with you about how I relapsed back into the behaviour of putting everything else before myself, 6 and 1/2 half years after learning my lesson of how and why not to do this.

The result was I felt emptied out, exhausted and powerless, and in order to get myself back, I had to turn around where I was going wrong, and remember how to honour me again.


How it All Started

Most of us who have suffered from narcissistic abuse are people who are capable, diligent individuals who are used to being structured, hardworking and responsible. We are the type of people who were never brought up to understand the value of ‘time out’, ‘looking after ourself’ or ‘filling ourselves up with healing or personal indulgence’.

We were the type of kids that parents told us to ‘Get to school’ regardless of our cough, or sore throat. We also discovered in our childhoods that if we achieved stuff this was when we seemed to be the most acceptable and lovable.

We may have received glares and comments that made us feel guilty about ‘wasting time’, ‘being a noisy playful kid’, and then heard the words “(Your name)…have you finished your homework?” “Go and tidy your room” etc. etc.

Our parents didn’t say to us. “It is so wonderful that you take time out to enjoy yourself and fill yourself up with fun and good feelings, because this is all a part of loving and honouring yourself ”.

In fact the very thought of taking time out and giving to ourself may surface a whole heap of resistance for us, such as “What a waste of time”, or “I feel really guilty about giving to myself”, or “There is so many more important things to focus my energy on it”…all of these resistant feelings are manifestations of the messages that we learnt in our childhoods in regarding to: it was NOT correct to value ourself.  Rather we were ONLY valued by what we could achieve, or how much we could do for others.

The truth of the matter was, for the greater part of our adult lives, we were already running on empty inner energy tanks a long, long time before we suffered our narcissistic abuse experience.

Then of course, when we did, our whole world came crashing down. It was the straw that broke the already sagging and strained camel’s back.

The once capable, competent, intelligent person we believed ourself to be, crashed into the wall, and the simplest of exercises such as getting out of bed, brushing our teeth and walking out the front door becomes as emotionally excruciating as climbing Mount Everest.

What do you think is one of the greatest gifts of the narcissistic abuse experience?

It’s profound, powerful and simple

To learn how to value ourself, and know that we are worth our own self-care and self-honour…

I learnt this lesson 6 and ½ years ago – truly. And ‘getting it’ was as a result of smashing into the wall so hard, that truly it was a wonder I ever got up again.

There were two options, making myself the highest priority in my life with everything I could do to nourish, refill and heal me, or die…

It was a black and white case.

Thankfully I learnt the lesson and embraced it full heartedly at the time, hence why I am happy to be and live my new incredible reality that I am so grateful for today.


How I Forgot The Lessons I Had Learned

Two weeks ago week I had a huge wake up call. Just like all that time ago, when I was not honouring myself enough – not taking enough time out. Getting too serious, too focused, too hard working and forgoing self-care and balance.

I ignored the warning signs that my energy and ‘self’ tank was getting dangerously near empty. You see, before working on myself I was programmed as an over-functioning co-dependent, who can dissociate from what my emotional body is telling me, ignore it, push on and neglect my own self-care, and simply continue granting too much energy out to the world around me.

The old Program: “Melanie is valued for what she does, not just for being her”.

The deeper Program: “I don’t love and accept myself enough to value and care for me”.

Yes, I’ve worked on these in my life – absolutely, and healed them in the past, but mindfulness is required to ensure the old programs do not creep back in. Our blind spots can easily do so if we are not consciously aware and focused on where our ‘not quite right’ feelings and stresses are coming from.

During a difficult past couple of months, because of outside challenges, I had slipped back into my old habits, and as a result I started not granting myself the values of self-love and self-acceptance.

So, anyway, another painful life event occurred, during this time of running on an empty tank (coincidence… I think not). And as a result I crashed. Nowhere near as bad as what I did years ago, but bad enough to be a serious problem. I found it hard to not feel overwhelmed, found it hard to function, and had virtually no energy.

I got on to my own healing (Quanta Freedom Healing) and it was helping, but so much was happening in my life that was challenging, as well as working with clients – so by the end of the day I had no energy left to do the healings on myself.

Headaches and physical symptoms started, and I lost direction and focus, I could not see the wood for the trees. Every time I thought of ‘my to do list’ I struggled with blocked, overwhelmed and painful emotions.

I had fallen into the trap of trying to deal with my outer world without dealing with my painful inner world first.

Which never works…

I should have known that by now, after all what do I teach other people every day?

Okay, so this is what I did – I had left it so long that I felt stuck, I know I needed help to support me, but the thought of booking help, going to an appointment and fitting it in to my life, which due to my ineffectiveness had became disorganised and chaotic, seemed overwhelming.

So I asked a good friend to help me map out time in my diary, source a local kinesiologist, find local massage and help me connect with some support and relief. I also asked this friend to sit with me and help me work through my bills to pay, and hold my hand with some other challenging things in my life.

The relief was incredible…

The lesson I learnt years ago, and needed to pick up again was:

1) Do not wait to grant yourself energy when it is almost too late, and you’re at cracking point

2) Don’t be too proud to outsource and get help

3) As soon as you organise help and support you start feeling better immediately

4) Value yourself enough to know that the investment you put into you is paramount and positively affects every area of your life on every level – and absolutely pays emotional, practical and financial dividends in the short and long term

5) When we honour ourself, life honours us

So anyway within one week, I turned an incredible corner. The ‘body work’ of kinesiology and the herbal remedies I was provided, created a spectacular difference. The massage once a week is invaluable, meditation has become a part of my regular routine again, and the facial I had last Friday is all a part of honouring me.

I am back to ‘me’…the way I need to be…

I have also started going out to lunches, dinners and social occasions with very clear ‘end of work time boundaries’.

Things HAD to change again…

So let’s see, have I really learnt this lesson this time? Am I really ready to embrace the knowing that time-out, granting myself nourishment, nurturing and healing is paramount and is a maintenance regime, a lifestyle that I owe myself and all of life? After all I can only give out in empowered ways if my emotional energy tank is full.

A huge Law of Life that anyone who has been narcissistically abused needs to understand is


Life Can Only Grant You the Treatment That You Are Prepared to Grant Yourself

It doesn’t matter how much of a nice person you are with integrity, because if you

1) Treat yourself like a machine

2) Don’t look after your emotional inner world and inner spiritual self nourishment

3) Put other individuals always before yourself

4) Believe that you are NOT valuable or lovable or acceptable ‘just as you’, and are only appreciated, loved and valued for your productive output

….you will attract someone

1) Who dehumanises you, objectifies you and defiles you

2) Batters your inner emotional and spiritual world

3) Make it all about ‘them’ rather than ‘you’

4) Uses you for energy, resources and possessions and will never love you simply for being yourself

Oops have I just described a narcissist…?

Make sense?…

Do you get this really vital message?

If you have noticed yourself slipping back into old patterns, I would love to hear a comment on what you did to snap out of it and start putting yourself first again. Your story could be invaluable to someone who is struggling with this.



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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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27 Thoughts on Do You Still Feel Emptied Out, Exhausted and Powerless?
    March 28, 2012

    Nice article. Clear and honest and I particularly liked the mention of treating yourself like a machine! Especially important when so much of the work culture would turn us into robots! Thanks for the reminder to love self. Fx

    March 28, 2012

    …as in NOT treating yourself like a machine…

    March 28, 2012

    This is a very good article and it reminds me that i cant go on and on and not look after myself. The narc can go to buggery, it s all about me now.

    March 28, 2012

    I have been following your blog and ebooks for a couple of weeks. I am in day 5 no contact with my ex N. a 5 year roller coaster ride of simple, pure emotional terror. I stumbled on your site and it was the best stumble! I started the break 3 years ago when he told me he was bringing a Thai bar girl to Australia for 3 months, but when she bled him dry and didn’t even get here, I as the addicted one, took him back. Pointless going into why I let it happen, 3 years in a Row he went back, and funnily it turned out She was a he! Now I AM on the road back to ME and I must say thank you! The pain of Him is subsiding and the Joy of who is Me is blossoming, thank you..

      March 31, 2012

      Oh my, I almost fainted when I read this Kim. My ex N told me only weeks ago that he was going to Thailand to bring back a bride. I was also with him for 5 years, in that time he lived in my house like a king and didn’t contribute towards mortgage it bills. I kicked him out three months ago but I’m still struggling to come to terms with the way I lived for all that time absolutely demoralized. I couldn’t have my say back in an argument unless I was stood near a door ready to run. Turned out he was lying about going to Thailand just to hurt me. 5 years and he committed nothing to me. I’m glad I found this blog and also your story.

    March 28, 2012

    Melanie, Thankyou for this excellent reminder of what can happen when we neglect our inner selves.
    It is SO easy to slip back into old habits ..Only this morning, I found myself back in /victim mode of NPD abuse…It was only a brief conversation with an abuser gf and I ended up in tears and completely wiped out most of afternoon…N fog, confusion etc..I chose to LET her go …..
    Plus,then this article arrived: It was so very synchronistic to read this article, that I then took time out, read, rested, slept, took a long walk, had a lovely coffee by the sea, sang and played piano…Now I know the warning signs,
    I will REMEMBER to LOVE myself first and not feel guilty

    Thank you, Love Jx

    March 28, 2012

    Lovely to read your comment Janeen, all you did today sounds like my day too 🙂

    March 28, 2012

    When with my N man I was always keeping myself busy with my art and had to just keep my mind occupied to help with the pain I was feeling. Art was my way of meditating and all the stuff that was happening was going around and around in my head, but it still helped me to get through the hell I was facing every day. Unpredictable moments, that caused me many adrenaline rushes. Now I am free of the abuse, I still have to keep my mind busy and be doing something all the time, but one thing has changed and that is my ability to look after myself more with regular walking, exercise, enjoying life in it’s simplest forms, painting, creating my art. It does get easier, but Melanie is right in that you have to break from what you are doing even for a moment every day and go for a nice walk or whatever helps. Then it will become part of your routine. Enjoy life and be happy. Julie is right, the N’s can go to buggery! Let them do some work and stay right out of it. It is not your problem. Jx

    March 28, 2012

    Amazing insights on this site. Getting out of 18 year marriage with a sick narcissistic pig. He cheats, lies, defiles and many people think he is a nice guy. This is the scariest part – takes a while for people to really believe that it is YOU who is being abused not THEM. Very clever are narcs. This one is just like his mother. Carbon copy.

    March 28, 2012

    Hi Melanie, I told you how i broke the no-contact rule after 5 months and then reread your no-contact ebooks which turned the memory light on again. However, because I thought I was at such a “strong” place and had a happy sense of self due to all the healing WORK i have done over the past 5 months, I was crazy enough to think I was strong enough to respond to the Narc with boundaries and that he could not penetrate me psychologically or seduce me because I did not “feel” that way towards him anymore. Even though I didnt, my old patterns of obsessing and attempting to control the uncontrollable were creeping quickly back i along with the “what if’s” …It is integrity and humaness that I was trying to conduct with a person who’s mode of operation is out of seduction and deception…..the wolf in sheeps clothing had come at me again..i started bargaining with myself and within one weeks time, i am already being effected with physical illnesses…This article (as all of your articles seem to be) was exactly what needed to be heard by my brain…to take back the focus on to me and my wellbeing and giving me permission to do so…Thank you my friend.. peace, christine…I will be filling myself up with this article all day for encouragement and strength…also, so grateful you are doing well …:)

    March 29, 2012

    Melanie has been such a help to me- opened my eyes. I started NC with my N and really psyched myself up to do Return to Sender on the next love letter that I knew was coming. From rehab, where he is right now after getting arrested for a DUI (blew a 193 – legally druck is 08) and for having 2.6 oz of cocaine in the car with him. I have filed for divorce and foudn this site after seeing NPD mentioned in conjunction with alcohol and cocaine addiction. It is him. It is me. I so want to break this cycle. I was doing good- the divorce is gettign very ugly- he is using his family (attorneys) to file motions and attempt to discredit me and actually force me to keep the business open and work with him when he gets out of jail/rehab in an attempt to make me stay married to him. And in between the barrage of threatening letters from his attorneys he sends me LOVE LETTERS. And they hurt – I want them to be true. I know they are not. I was doing so well and then opened that letter and it was like the chord was right back on me- I can practically feel my skin crawl and my heart and brain start arguing again about hwether or not rehab will work (it won’t), whether he’ll truly find himself (nothing to find) and how am I going to survive while he keeps doing this to me (I worry about that part a lot). This article is exactly right- I got too comfortable in my new behavior patterns and I let the wolf back in well before I was strong enough. Back to NC. Learn to love self. Why do I feel so much shame and embarrasment – I am not the one who was drinking nad doing drugs with the teenagers who work for us, but I am the one who is piling up thousands of dollars in attorneys fees just to get away. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess. I msut focus on me – so hard to do after all this time. So grateful for the ebooks and the meditation -will get back into al that today because I felt so good that I had stopped using them – like stopping antibiotic early because you feel better – I needed to finish the full course to help break my bad habits so I do not expose myself to the Big bad Wolf anymore.

    Karen tunks
    March 29, 2012

    I’ve got help on the way..Im so glad I’ve read this as I was feeling so guilty that these old friend have volunteered. to come and to admit i need help.

    March 29, 2012

    Hi Melanie, I just wanted to say that you have truly been blessed with great wisdom and insight. I and the many people that you connect with are very grateful for your gift. Your website opened my eyes and saved me from repeating painful mistakes. Whilst I now honour God who I surrendered my pain and suffering to and he restores my spiritual fulfillment, this message is an important one as people often are afraid to seek help for fear of rejection, judgment or appearing to be weak or a failure. I would just like to remind these people that when we are giving our energy and helping others, do we view them as a failure or weak? No, we feel honoured that they asked US. It’s okay to be NOT okay. God Bless

    March 29, 2012

    Well, I’ve been reading your website and mail regularly. Been with a N for 14yrs,(lived together)break up a few months ago,but still live in the same house due to circumstances. And that is hell. I am working on how to get out, but I’m financially depended on him, due to farm activities. Luckilly I don’t have childern. Keep the mails coming, I’m getting more clever day by day.Thank you.

      May 15, 2012

      Here’s to getting more clever! I am stuck in the same way. How is is going? Is this even possible? Any advice? If you ignore them enough will they find someone else instead of destroying you?

    No more self denial.
    March 29, 2012

    In a period of about 5 years, I managed to break out of all relations in my life that was abusive, and get help and support starting to build myself up again after a total breakdown leading me to live in a womens shelter for almost a year.

    I needed two tries, to be able to live by myself in an apartment again. And then, of course; on the second try I attracted a house owner with warning signs of narcissism and was blind enough to just accept it, sign the contract and start live in an environment where 1) the start energy was being less important than the house owner who lives in the rest of the house of the apartment. 2) I was tiptoeing around being afraid to be heard and seen (all the time, in my own home) because the house owner had talked very negatively about previous people that had lived in the apartment, besides being very distrusting with anything regards renting out his property. (And I did sign a contract with that person! lol)
    3) I, during a few months living there, started to lock myself off again and started feeling exhausted and stagnated in my personal development again, showing signs of serious self destructive behaviour again. 4) I observed that I started to feel like yelling at the house owner and I started talking about him behind his back (with my therapist and other supporting people); and I am not a person normally doing that or having such thoughts. Because he was ringin my doorbell for nothing too often, he critisized my interior when he was plumming, my clothing etc and even one asked me look after his child while he was going abroad, wich was what really made me “wake up” and THINK. Why did I accept all this behaviour, that I really do not want to have in my reality???? 😉

    I had to sit down and really investigate myself to figure the pattern and what was happening. The worst is the most of it happened inside my own head or inside of me. So I decided to take the responsibility and resign the contract in order to find myself an environment that I explore are healthy for ME. I need very healthy people around me when in the process healing from narcisistic abuse! it is very important, and even something that small as a house rent relation can be big enough to make it difficult heal, when I still struggle with codependency and addiction.
    I know some people around me, even among my supportive network, thinks I am maybe making a too big deal out of it, but hey, what do they know about how it is having lived a whole life with narcissistic abuse and having been blessed with an opportunity to become a free human being? They of course do not have the insight to have an opinion about my life. Because I am the only one that can really know what is the right thing for me; all my life I was listening to the people around me instead of litening to myself, and the result of that was I was dying more and more; I did let them use my energy; I did let them live my life instead of living my life myself.

    So, what I now explore is the house owner contacting me to sort things out since I resign the contract and will be moving out of the apartment.
    It gave me a lot of my energy back when I delivered the resignment letter and that way cut off that energy connection. It gives even more when I am contacted to talk about it. I start to feel a lot better. And if he asks, I will tell him exactly what I think of his way of renting out. AND move nomatter what he gets himself to say. Knowing I have decided that gives me also energy. I am not even disliking that person. He has not been doing anything wrong. But I have been wrong towards myself by going against myself renting his apartment.

    The moral in this little story from my recovery phase, is that things that normally are very small in life, as how perifer people behave and what one accept from them; these things can become very very big when I am in a place in life where I have lost myself and is in a sensitive phase of finding back to myself again.
    It is important to honour myself in every little thing when I am in such a phase, I learn that now, and I do it, even if it makes me feel… well; as Melanie writes above here in the blog; I feel according to the old programming from the past, connected honouring myself and making self care a priority.
    It IS important to be present in my own life and to see and listen to and FEEL my own emotions, think my own thoughts and speak my own words; believing in my own reality. That is what all is about; what would life be without me? I am all that I truly have, and I am the only gift that I can share with the world! So I just have to take care of me. 🙂
    And for the first time for as long as I can remember I feel I get energy from breathing in fresh air; two or three breaths yesterday when I was walking to the bus; I was really allowing myself breathing in AIR to have it myself… I am still in awe. Is that really allowed? 😀 Life IS good, and I feel so grateful for those breathes of energized air!

    Say yes when you mean yes, and say no when you mean no! 😉 That little difference makes all the difference for me these days! 😀

    robyn shields
    March 29, 2012

    hi mel, sorry to hear your story but i relish in the recovery, it feels great when the hard yards are done. i’ll send love to you dear, you are in my heart, and guess what i chose to go back too. ha ha!! yes i have same as you but he is a kind loving man and my problems are me and its so hard to go back and sit with the old habits and my body is screaming and i’m working on these issues daily. love to you at this reworking time xxxx also i discovered that i was so sensitive as a kid and i did so much in a panic to get everyone else happy to calm them down so i could feel calm, its never ending and still is. whoa. will i learn the lesson too, maybe, i’m a stubborn shit and want to send me to the looney bin first, ha ha ha ha.

    March 29, 2012

    Hello Forum..
    First off I want to say God Bless each and everyone that has had to deal with an N. As I myself have for 20 years. The pain,neglect,abuse and more is draining to one’s soul ! To be treated sooo bad by the person that you vowed to love through good and bad is more than the phyche can handle when going through it. I’ve been in divorce court twice..he filed both times then cries he doesn’t want it. This time i said Not No but…HELL NO ! I feel sooo strong at times…then there are days I actually feel like I’m making a mistake and other parts of me feel like I know I’m not ! What is going on ? Please help ! We have three kids and I know I deserve better !

    March 29, 2012

    I appreciate your articles. I spend time reviewing info on Narcissism, to keep myself grounded and focused when I need it. Sometimes it’s difficult because I work with a slew of Narcs…have several in my family, and have dated a few (but got out as fast as possible).

    Even went on a first date weeks back, just to discover, low and behold, I was with another one…broke it off the next day.

    I even suspect that I was being interviewed by one for a job recently–really negative questions thrown my way…def not a ‘normal’ interview. I have held to the ‘no contact’ position with the first date, any ex narc b-friend or friend, and my family, which is all about survival and self-respect. I’m pretty quiet and shy, and have noticed why they gravitate towards me–have even been studying ways to not be a scapegoat (by not being totally honest with others on what I think about certain behaviors/situations, no sharing of personal information, etc).

    What has me the most frustrated now is that its much harder to find a narc-free environment in work situations. I’ve had several narc bosses, and I’m trying my hardest to find a job where I won’t have to be bullied by one-but it is really a challenge! I’m very aware that they resent people who set boundaries and ‘look after themselves’, etc, etc. And since so many narcs rise to higher positions, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find a great boss and a fulfilling job.

    After prepping so hard to excel at an interview, and then have to deal with questions that have nothing to do with my abilities, or any positive focus by the interviewer–like the one I just had, I find myself feeling lost and increasingly frustrated. Sometimes it takes me a few days to “get going” again…I didn’t take it personally-saw it as helpful info to learn about the way the place is managed–but it def took the wind out of my sails for a few days. It was hard to jump on more applications and get myself to the gym…but I’m back at it.

    What I could use is some hope from healthy/educated individuals–so send me some ‘well wishes’ on my quest to finding healthy employment options. Thanks!!!

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 29, 2012

    Thank you everyone for your lovely comments, and for realising that it is so important to honour, love and care for ourselves to create a healthy template of self-worth.

    Please know that this is vital for those people, especially, when still in the throes of the addiction, that compels thoughts, feelings and actions hooking up with the narcissist.

    Self-care is not just about the ‘practical’ things that help, it is also about the ‘inner’ changes that we need to make.

    Our inner self due to the narc abuse experience when traumatised establishes a lot of belief systems that are not serving us, which until healed are not a ‘match’ for getting well, recovery and creating healthy love.

    Not only did you experience abuse, you now believe you are abused.

    Not only did you experience the failure of the relationship you thought was ‘the one’, you now believe you fail at the ability to choose, know, create and experience a real relationship.

    Not only did you experience loss of faith and trust as a result of what happened to you, you now believe you lost faith in yourself, in life and in love.

    Whatever you deeply believe as your reality will always be true for you.

    In fact there can never be any other reality play out in your experience.

    It is at this level – the inner belief system level you need to do the real work, otherwise you are always trying to ‘beat’ your inner painful beleifs in your quest to get well.

    All of these now deeply ingrained beliefs about ‘self’ have been set up as real, and unless they are addressed within you at the deep levels where they took hold, it is only a different ‘outer’ experience that could change your belief about yourself and your life.

    This doesn’t happen, because the change needs to come from within you.

    This is why I am always so adamant about seeking Energetic Healing solutions to address these beliefs at the level they are really going on.

    Solutions like Quanta Freedom Healing, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, kinesiology, herbal cellular release remedies etc provide these deep solutions.

    This is where you will create a new inner identity that ‘believes’ where you want to travel, and therefore you will flow in to.

    Of course outer self care is vital too – really it is about both attention to the inner and the outer processes to become the best you can be!

    I hope this helps!

    Lots of love and growth to everyone. xo

    March 29, 2012

    I was so in the moment…because this is the first time, I’ve spoken publically about this….I know “WE” ( Me & my children) DESERVE BETTER ! If u read my post earlier you’ll know where this is coming from….

    March 30, 2012

    I have been in a N abusive relationship for 8 months. Of course I have went back and forth. What is reality? Anyway I ended it. I really feel like God has freed me of this but, of course I have thoughts of ‘what if?’ it hurts so bad, so hard to comprehend such bliss and hell at the same time. I am exhausted..have a peace that i normally do not have, but at the same feel like my heart is ripped out. I just want to see truth, then when I do, I internally want to deny it. Find it so hard to believe.
    I am so very tired. Any words of encouragement and prayer appreciated. I know my family and friends love me so much but do not understand. I know I need to be around normal so I can remember it, but find it hard.
    God bless you all.. Jer 29:11

    March 31, 2012

    It is really inspiring to listen to the stories of finding peace and truth again.
    And how quickly , as Janeen and others say, that fog and confusion and craziness come come back after any contact.
    Christine commented about intending to relate with compassion /humanity/integrity-
    I know when I used to do that it was met with rage or verbal abuse.
    Janeen thank you for telling us about having coffee by the sea- how perfect-playing the piano and so on. Christine, thank you for telling us about your focus on creating your art.
    These are the things that are real, and true and beautiful. The things we must hold tight to for our soul’s sake.
    I love to run and play with my dogs and kiss my beautiful little ponies – all of whom know the secrets of life that I need to continually relearn.
    I love to watch them all stretching their bodies out to open themselves to more sunshine and warmth and greeting each moment with joy. A walk in the park or a swim – ah like the first ever of their lives- leaps of sheer joy! Little ponies running toward me for the excitement of their breakfast or the freedom to run across the big paddock for the morning. To them -loving life and living in the moment and being at peace = is life.
    What joyful guides they are- no fog, no confusion , no crazy days; no trying to figure it out……

    Just purity of spirit and unconditional love
    Each day, they show me how it is done!!

    April 3, 2012

    Hi Melanie,
    I was in a relationship with an N for almost 3 years and trying desperately to get out for 2 1/2 years of it! The emotional despair/abuse is the most painful thing I have ever encountered.

    I finally decided on No Contact 5 months ago. After 2 months he called wanting to make amends. I relented. It lasted 1 week and I said no more and asked him to leave me alone.

    There was another attempt 2 weeks ago. I realized that I have gained enough strength during that time through finding a support group, Love Addicts Anonymous, reading books and your web-site that spending even one evening with him was almost intolerable. I now see all of the phoney facades, the blaming me for everything and never, ever accepting an ounce of responsibility for his own actions and I actually felt a measure of compassion for he is a victim too; a victim of himself! At least I can move on and heal; his life will always be the same.

    Hang in there; nourish yourself and make yourself come first! Everything you went through and how he made you feel was a LIE!!!!

    shabana mir
    April 8, 2012

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for sharing your experience with us.I have reached a point in my life where I really started to feel burnt out and fed up.For years I have done nothing but give,and you have highlighted a really valid point.A realisation that came to myself a few weeks ago, if you are at your most productive then you are acceptable.However when you hit that brick wall, it is very difficult to find support.I realised I hated my job and the person I have become.My behaviour patterns were also about pleasing people who really did not deserve my time.All these issues evoked emotions such as hate,resentment,jealousy and a sense of failure.My personal relationships have also been with the same type of man.Always indifferent,never pleased no matter what I do,never giving me that emotional intimacy and connection that I crave the most. Two weeks ago I took time out from work and decided to really think about things.Reflect on the past and think about my future.Where was I? Where am I?Where do I want to be?
    I started to exercise on a regular basis,and went to a church in a little village,that is about a forty five min drive.Here they were offering mediation sessions completely free of charge.So I went along and took part.I have to say,for the first time in my life I sat still and silent for thirty mins.It was incredibly emotional and difficult.I then realised I was my worst enemy , not outsiders.I was fighting with myself.Things can never be the same now I know that.
    Many thanks God bless

    April 19, 2012

    Only one year ago, i had my life ‘sorted’, and so i thought i was ready for a relationship. Wow, I could hardly believe my luck, after years of bad relationships, I had found the man of my dreams, and VERY quickly gave up my home and moved in with him. Well as quickly as my ‘dream’ man appeared, he disappeared, and became the complete opposite. Demanding, selfish, manipulative beyond anything I had ever experienced, it completely threw me sideways. His main aim was to remove me from everyone that I loved, my children and my adored grandson, it can only be described as hell. It resulted in me becoming homeless over christmas/new year, and despite that I still returned to the relationship (but not his home)several times, in belief that now I had identified his NPD, and he accepted that he had it and was seeking help, we could get through this together (in other words I could fix this). Its not possible, believe me. Even now (just this very evening) driving past his home I want to see him, make sure he is ok, but actually it is me that needs to be ok. I have ended up quite ill through all of this, and I so need to find peace of mind again. Lessons learned – if it seems to good to be true, it probably is… is for living and learning……and finally, my need to feel loved has come at a very high price, and so now i need to learn to love myself 🙂

    July 14, 2012


    I am really curious about illnesses that folks are referring to here.

    Because during my situation, (‘cos it was not a relationship) I acquired a herniated disc in my lower back. Now I know this is a common injury and it could’ve happened anyway. But since it is part of the root chakra I sort of wondered if it manifested from my involvement with ‘him.’ Also, when we broke up I took myself straight to the ob/gyn and was tested for STDs as well as got a regular check. She felt something and ordered an ultra sound and MRI. And I have uterine fibroids.

    These I know can come from stress and bad diet. In fact, although not the healthiest eater on the planet, I was much healthier until we got together. Plus with the constant adrenaline overflow too, I was in a constant state of stress. I’m sure that contributed.

    As for taking care of me: well, today I took a walk after putting some new music on my iPod. It had been full of songs that reminded me of him and I had emptied it a couple weeks ago. And there it sat. Now it’s got stuff on it that has NOTHING to do with him. It’s percussion so it’s energetic and NO lyrics.

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