I’m always SUPER PASSIONATE about this topic.

The reason being is because I SO want our children to heal, and for our world to shift out of narcissistic abuse patterns.

I nearly lost my own son due to my and his trauma from narcissistic abuse, so I deeply know the loss, trauma and suffering so many parents have been through or are going through.

There is nothing more devastating than watching our children be abused, neglected or manipulated and feeling POWERLESS to stop it. And, when reaching out to authorities for their help discovering, to our dismay and disbelief, that they often turn away and even further abuse us and our children.

What can we do?

Is there anything that does work in this heartbreaking and devastating situation?

Truly, there is.

Myself, and so many others, in this community, have turned around the most HOPELESS situations you could imagine regarding what is happening to our children.

This Thriver TV episode is for you and every parent suffering the unspeakable trauma of trying to help your children who are suffering narcissistic abuse.



Video Transcript

This topic today is very serious. If you are a parent dealing with your child being hurt by a narcissist, I really want you to watch this.

Our children are precious to us, they are innocent and defenceless, and it is up to us to protect them as much as we can.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I want to share with you why what we instinctively do to try to help our children doesn’t work with narcissists, and how to turn this around so that we can truly help our children.

And I promise you this, after going through terrible events with my own son suffering as well as helping countless adults with their children over the last ten plus years, that what I am sharing with you today works and it’s not reliant on the narcissist changing or even other people helping you.

You alone can set in motion what is necessary to protect and help your children.

Okay … so before we dive deep into the meat of today’s episode, make sure to subscribe to my channel if you haven’t already and leave a like if you enjoy this video.


What Not To Do As A Parent

I’m going to be really straight with you, and I know that this can be so hard to hear – but I want to do everything I can to help you and your children because I am so passionate about this topic.

Our children are our future, and if we want narcissistic abuse to stop, the buck must stop here, so that this terrible scourge of abuse / abused it is not passed down through the generations.

Of course, there is no greater trauma than watching our children suffer at the hands of another. I’ve been through it too, I know how agonising it is to feel completely powerless to stop your child being hurt. And, what usually happens to every parent going through this is, no matter how hard you try to help your child, or get them to see reason, or get systems and authorities to help, that just doesn’t happen.

This is WHY we have to work with this ANOTHER way, a way that works. A Quantum Way, where we enlist the indisputable Laws of Life that are as absolute as gravity.

I want you to know that when you do this, you aren’t powerless.

But let’s first look at the ways we have been trying to help our children, ways that only make matters worse. These were all the things I used to do too.

The first huge issue is being in JUDGEMENT of what is happening. And I know you may already be jumping up and down and wanting to throttle me, for me telling you this being in judgement to the horrible situation your children are going through with a narcissist is ‘wrong’.

I’m not saying it is ‘wrong’ I totally understand why you would see it is ‘wrong’. I personally don’t give a damn about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, I’m much more focused on what is going to be effective. What I am saying is you judging this as wrong is NOT going to help your child in any shape or form, which of course isn’t the result you want to produce.

Let me explain why ‘judgement ‘doesn’t work.

A powerful Quantum Law is this:

Whatever you are in judgement about you deeply cement further in your experience.

And …

Whatever you are in acceptance of and start working WITH to transform healthily, means you can change it.

As well as, if you try to change anyone outside of you to make your emotions feel better it won’t work (including things with your children). And of course, this is the same with the narcissist when we have tried to stop them doing what they are doing to our children.

It has certainly been my personal experience that when I tried to lecture and prescribe to my child, and control what he was or wasn’t doing, that he would only push back and do it more. It was the same with the narcissist. Can you as a parent relate? If so, I’d love to hear from you about this in the comments below!

In Quantum Truth you have to shift YOUR feelings first and then everything can shift. You are in a position to be able to influence that person and situation to meet you where you already are at.

This was my 100% proof of the truth of this (and I’ve seen the same happen for many parents with their children), when I let go of damning my son’s state because of the narcissistic abuse and damage he and I had gone through, and instead accepted that his and my soul journey was perfect for his and my healing and evolution, everything shifted.

And then I got down to the business of deeply devoting and applying myself to my own inner healing to lead the way.

It was then that I stopped being distraught, lecturing, prescribing and controlling, which of course had been coming from my own inner place of brokenness and helplessness. Instead, I started to show up for myself and my son seeing and believing deep within my soul that his innate inner wisdom could and would do the same. I recognised that his journey was unfolding perfectly for him, and my greatest duty was to be as healthy as I could and lead the way.

With this orientation my son, Zac very quickly emerged from a hopeless situation of trauma fuelled addiction to awakening into his power. Not from a place of my ‘doingness’ but in response to my ‘beingness’.


What We Must Let Go of ‘Doing’ Whilst Trying To Help Our Children

  • Holding them responsible for our emotions
  • Requiring our children to be a certain way for us to be healthy
  • Carrying guilt and shame regarding what has happened to our children
  • Fixating on and obsessing about what is happening to them
  • Trying to fix, lecture and prescribe to them
  • Blaming and shaming our children or others in front of them
  • Telling them about ours and their victimisation and how bad other people are.

All of the above only causes more of the pain and trauma that we and our children are stuck in. It increases victimisation, which then means more victimisation happen. So within, so without.


What We Need To Do To Help Our Children

I go into great detail in Chapter 18 in my book You Can Thrive after Narcissistic Abuse about my journey with Zac as well as the shift from Unconscious to Conscious Parenting. And I promise you this doesn’t just happen for older children, it can for younger ones too. The truth is at ANY age, where our energy goes is where our children’s energy goes too.

It is vital that we focus determinedly on our own healing so that we can be the safe, solid, wise and calm parent who is there for our children.

I love the aeroplane metaphor – about how we are told if the aeroplane loses oxygen to always put your oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else.

This is the worst mistake I see parents commonly make (and I made it too) they are trying to help their own children heal and get empowered when they are failing to take responsibility to lead by example. They are not first and foremost healing themselves. This is as dangerous for our children as it is someone trying to save another person when they themselves are suffocating and distressed.

If we are devastated about what is happening to our child at the hand of a narcissist and we see and feel it like this, then this is exactly what will continue as the experience we experience from our children in our experience. It’s Quantum Law – so within, so without.

However, if we have enough of our own healing underway, we are into a place of calm, power, and solidness that is much less distressing and destabilising than our previous victimhood. When we are sane and safe with enough oxygen (consciousness) then we are in a position to help our children for real.

There is also the very real phenomenon of Quantum Entanglement meaning that where our energy goes our children’s does as well, often there is nothing we must do for them to get well, as we do ourselves, they organically do as well.

And this has nothing to do with what the narcissist is or isn’t doing. What it means is even if our children are very young, they have the ability to navigate, be themselves, not be exploited by the narcissist as they were previously, and as they get older they are able to anchor into their own authenticity and true identity without the narcissist being able to derail them. No longer are they being personally poisoned by a False Self, they become a True Self, empowered, impervious to abuse and incredibly evolved, capable and flourishing.

I wrote about Beatrice, a highly dedicated Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program member, and her young son who she shares custody with a narcissist with, in my book on Page 228.

This is what she said:

“Two years ago I was a wreck; I had severe insomnia if I did sleep. At the time my son was given the labels of having ADHD, anxiety, depressive symptoms and much more. He was only twelve months old. Now he no longer has these ‘labels’, which were due to him being triggered terribly by trauma., and I can proudly say that at thirty-nine years of age, I’ve never been in better shape physically, mentally and emotionally myself.

Today’s my son’s brilliance is staggering; his comprehension of the entire situation boggles my mind., and his ability to discern situations and ‘vote with his feet’ has become so obvious that I have little concern for him navigating the world or with the narcissist … and he’s not yet four! As I have emerged, my child has show strength and fortitude well beyond his years. He is thoughtful and highly empathetic, he is quick to express his emotions and he is able to express that emotions are just sensations in his body – and he’s rather let them out! He has many wonderful ways in which he does this. After me doing the work on him by proxy, he organically and intuitively started following my lead! I am awed by him and he just gets brighter and brighter and more and more gorgeous!”

I really hope Beatrice’s story helps give you hope because we receive these messages of breakthroughs for parents and their children most days in the NARP Community.

Let’s now look at what happens for us and our children when we make the shift to lead the way:

  • We accept and bless the growth lessons our children go through and support them with love and space, rather than judgement and control.
  • We model for our children honesty, humility, authenticity, and vulnerability.
  • We show our children by example how to anchor into and create a relationship with their inner selves.
  • We teach our children detachment from unhealthy others without judgement, no longer handing our power away by making them responsible for ourselves.
  • By example, we teach our children that their inner state and power doesn’t depend on what other people are or aren’t doing.

Additionally, we:

  • Grant trust and space to see and feel that our children have the inner wisdom and resources (and they do!) to find their way, and …
  • We help them develop and grow into solid, whole actualised beings, beyond neediness, even for us!

Truly we cannot take anyone where we have not gone ourselves. Are you really starting to understand this now?

Gosh, I hope so because our and our children’s wellbeing, as well as their future generations, to evolve beyond abuse abused trauma patterns so depends on this!


Helping Your Children In Every Narcissistic Situation

Please know your empowerment and leading the way helps for every situation your child may be facing regarding narcissistic abuse – such as a narcissistic friend, narcissistic boss or a narcissistic spouse.

The formula is the same, heal yourself and how you feel about it and then you will find your child starts becoming what you now feel about them, coming into their true power, and/or will seek you for advice regarding their situation, where through your own empowerment you know how to guide them.

Your child doesn’t have to live with you for this to happen, truly.

Also please know this formula has also proved to be incredibly effective for parents who have been alienated from their children, in reaching peace and then being reunited through often the most miraculous of circumstances.


Okay, so, I can’t wait to continue this discussion and answer your questions regarding this, because as I said this is a topic very dear to my heart. I’m deeply committed to helping us lead the way for our children and changing our world.

If you are ready to take a stand for you and your children, I want to invite you to come over to my 16 Day free course, where you start healing you and your children and become the generative force leading the way.

Okay so if you liked this video, click the like button, and if you want to see more of my videos subscribe and so you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And please share with other parents this video, so that they can help their children for real too.


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Commments (66) + Leave a comments

66 thoughts on “Protecting Your Children From The Narcissist’s Damage

  1. Speaking with my very bright 23 year old daughter regarding her relationships with her siblings. I asked her: “Who was in the middle of the problem that made it exponentially worse? For the first time she realized how her narcissist mother had triangulated all the siblings at each other’s throats. My narcissistically abused children never realized they were being gaslighted and triangulated against each other.

    Since childhood their narcissist mother spent hours daily denigrating me to our children behind my back. I didn’t know this, but I noticed they were all defiant and would never listen to me. It was my eldest daughter that told me that her schizophrenic episodes were being triggered by the inconsistencies from what she saw in me and what her mother was telling her.

    My children are now adults, we are estranged and they are estranged from each other and several from their mother too. Children growing up in this environment think gaslighting, endless dramas, chaos and triangulations are normal and don’t question that there are better ways to deal with issues than avoiding them and pretending they’ll go away like magic.

    I’m now at peace with this. My children all have narcissistic traits and are difficult people. Life is too short to have to have difficult people in my life any longer. I’m willing to take them back, but I doubt anything will change.

    1. Hi Stephen,

      I am so sorry you and your children have been through such unspeakable trauma.

      It has wonderful that you have come to peace on this. Peace has no requirement for outcomes, yet allows outcomes to transform to miracles.

      Sending love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    2. My partner and I are beside ourselves on how to help his 5 year old daughter Anna (not real name)
      His ex wife is a nasicisstic mother who is phsically ,emotionally and pschologically abusive to Anna.
      We have reported the abuse to police and child welfare and they always believe the mothers lies and give Anma back to her Anna has been threatened so much that she has now co.pletly shut down and wont diclose anything
      What can we do to protect my beautiful stepdaughter and get her away from this nightmare
      The mother is only interested in money and in using Jane to hurt us and vise versa
      We want to give Jane a wonderful childhood away from this abuse but the court keep giving custody back to the abusive mother because she is very good at crying and acting like a victim
      I could go on for pages about all the horrible things Jane goes through and the narcisstic mother gets away with
      Is there anyone out there that can help us and save Janes childhood

  2. Thank you Melanie Tonia Evans! This is the best video that I have ever seen and I am crying. You have saved my life Mel, just because I came to your channel my life started changing. This video is powerful and so motivating. I m feeling so powerful that by healing myself I can heal my alienated daughter. You are my source of energy, your quantum truths, shifts they are amazing. You are am angel, beautiful angel on earth. I am blessing all the events and I know my daughter would be following my bodily shifts of trauma and her soul would be guiding her. Thanks Mel to let me know the meaning behind every thing. And I am loving myself and enjoying life like never before and it is all your inspiration. Thank you, thank you , thank you , to you gorgeous lady.

    1. Awww Saurabh,

      I always feel your Angel energy too when you post.

      I’m so pleased today’s video spoke to you so deeply and I know 100 percent that the work you are doing inside you is leading your gorgeous daughter to her soul truth and power.

      All my blessings and love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      1. Hi,
        I have a daughter that I’m trying to protect from her narcissistic grandmother.
        The father of my daughter was so poisoned and traumatized by her mouth, her guilting him, destroying his self esteem, and abusing him mentally and emotionally as a child and even in adulthood, that he turned to addiction, and died almost 3 years ago.
        I left him and his family, but the narcissistic grandmother and her husband are trying to see my daughter.
        I went no contact over a year and a half ago.
        I need guidance on how to protect myself and my daughter from this sickness.

        1. Awww Claudia,

          I’m so sorry you have gone through such an incredibly difficult time.

          It is so about getting strong and empowered and generating and creating the right support.

          I do have some resources regarding how to handle narcissists in custody and legalities if you google my name + those topics.

          I hope they can help you.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

        2. Wow! My daughter is 19 and I’m trying to find answers for the same issue to help us. The only difference is her “father” is still alive, so she continues to get the narcissistic hell from both of them. They feed on her like vultures for supply. I’ve been passive to controlling and neither has worked. I’ve struggled to raise her and put her in college solo. Meanwhile they relish in the glory while trying to turn her against me. Thanks for your comment. Sorry for your situation but it helps to know I’m not alone experiencing this. Sending prayers of guidance and strength to you and your daughter!

        3. Once your “child” is no longer a child but a young adult who is making their own decisions…the next thing you can do is let the child expierance the abuse for themselves. I know this sounds horrible but they’ll never see what we continue to protect them from. Eventually the narc parent will use your protection against you and twist it to say that you were doing nothing but alienating that child from the narcissist which creates anger within the adult child against you. This is how the estrangement period begins. The BEST thing you can do it let your adult child know that you love them and will always be there for them.

  3. Thank you so much, Melanie!! The timing on this reminder is miraculous. I can’t wait to begin the work by proxy for my children. Thank you – I feel empowered by having something I CAN do to help get them through.

  4. Thank you Melanie for spreading this amazing truth. My life has been steadily transforming since I started healing with your program. Thank you!

    I already talked about this before but I still dont understand. My question is: is it possible that my child (young adult) with the narcisstic traits or disorder to shift and follow my shift. Have you ever experienced/heard abou that?


    1. Hi Sandra,

      You are welcome and I so pleased NARP has helped you so much.

      Sandra that is such a good question and such a difficult answer … that really is a case by case thing. I have seen parents succeed with children with narcissistic tendencies – absolutely.

      Whether or not these children were actually NPD I don’t know.

      This resource of mine may help https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sFpcTHrmw2c and I hope it can.

      Much love and blessings to you and your adult child.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    2. Hi. So glad I found your article. I am in a horrible situation. My son is 2.5. his father is a narcissist and abuses my son sexually. Unfortunately I made the mistake of going to the authorities. They didn’t find evidence so they have turned around and said I am emotionally abusing my son. I now have to hand my son over to this man. The first day is this Sunday and I am trying to think of every excuse in the book not to send him. They want my son to go for 7 hours. My child has never been away from me. My son’s father is abusive mentally and emotionally as well. My son’s father whispered something in my son’s ear last week and he is hardly sleeping this week and having nightmares. My son is not eating. My heart is breaking. You are right. My judgement of my son’s father has cemented my worst nightmare!!! I just want to run as far away as I can. My son is so much happier and calmer and confident when he dosent see his father. How do I stop screaming this is wrong? How do I prevent my son’s father creating another empty abusive monster. The pain is almost too much to bear.

      1. Awww Michelle,

        It breaks my heart when I hear these way too common stories.

        I cant even imagine what you are going through.

        Michelle this I know, to combat this from a place of trauma doesnt work … I’ve never seen it work.

        The only way I have ever seen work, and it is so initially counter intuitive to everything we gave ever done to protect our children, is heal, become empowered and lead the way.

        Oh gosh Michelle I wish our system wasnt like this, but it is.

        Saying my heart goes out to you is not nearly enough. Do you have support systems around you?

        My NARP community is an amazing healing and community support system as well, and has members who have or are going through what you are.

        Sending so much love and healing to you and your son.

        Mel 🙏💕♥️

  5. Melanie, I previously read feedbacks on self help courses or training programmes and when they looked to good to be true, that was often the case. I have been asked by so many to write reviews, post on Twitter where an e mail from a stranger has said, rate me and I will do same. No No No. If I am complaining about a service I do not plaster it all over web, if I am happy I do. So many sociopaths, narcs & hurt ones that hurt around me, it has been a tough journey and getting even worse on the outside. Inside Melanie I am stable, full of loving energy and trusting the quantum healing that is taking place due to acceptance. Melanie I truly would have gone so much lower in my health (pain) body, my mind was emeshed, manipulated and projected with others toxins and truly had a broken soul and heart. Thank you so much, I truly mean this and when reading other stories and praise, I know those people are real and you are the reason they are evolving. It is the only way forward, in my own humble opinion. Amazing lady an Angel on earth. So pleased Zak healed on his own path as well. Breaking the genetic chains of the past. Much love to you both. X

    1. Hi Sally,

      I am so pleased you are unravelling the patterns and traumas and taking your healing to a Quantum Level.

      I agree, this is the only way forward I know of too!

      Thank you for your kind words to myself and Zac and sending continued blessings and breakthroughs to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  6. You’re incredibly honest and authentic approach to saving families in this way is so applauded by me. This journey of recovery has taken us on a path we have always dreamed of but wasn’t able to reach till now. Our souls have truly awakened to what is possible. For whatever reason our paths crossed (divine providence) I thank you for being so true to you self in sharing your gifts.

  7. Dear Melanie

    Your video speaks the truth and it was my daughter who said her self esteem issues were caused by my inability to stand up to my narcissistic mother who started me on the NARP journey.
    Since then I can see how my daughter is viewing me slightly differently. I know she is going through a lot right now and all I can do is continue on the NARP journey as there is nothing else to do as you say.

    I am so grateful that I can work on this because of your gift to me and all of us.
    Thank you Melanie.

    I look forward to seeing and meeting you when you come to London.
    Have a safe journey with your son.

    Love Reena xxx

    1. Hi Reena,

      How beautiful that you are now leading the way for your daughter. Absolutely her evolution and healing is already organically taking place.

      I can wait to meet you too Reena, it will be an absolute joy!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    2. Hi Melanie

      You are a godsend, and reaffirmed to me i am not alone, still healing, brave face in place 24/7, the suffering at the hands of serial narcissist, I have evolved, grown as a stronger, rational individual and chose ME and left, when my ex began to transfer the abuse from me to my kids to make me conform. As for the kids mine are 9 and 12 and it is about cultivating their sense of self, autonomy and I need to trust in their survival instincts. I did try to protect/shield them because thats what parent is supposed to do, the mental anguish, let come to their own conclusions, some you may not like, it is a process, open talks are key, their is some stuff I won’t discuss until they are 17, when maligned to my kids I refused to get involved in hurling mud. The kids began to shut him down telling their narc parent tell us when we are older/I’m not getting involved. Give your kids tools to cope, statements to free them from crossfire. We need to allow our kids to come to their own realisation rather than forcing our own . I try to lead by example by providing stability, positive behaviour, conduct, not speaking negatively about the narc parent, remained consistent, encouraged them to have a voice, to speak calmly and clearly, encourage them to speak out and vent. The narc parent was quite destructive in breaking their confidence, to be co-dependent told stories about why I left, shifting blame to me/everyone else, instil hate to blame Mum for leaving causing disruption. Through emotional blackmail/illness self inflicted made the kids feel compelled to continually please/validate their love to the narc parent, by conforming to how he wanted them to behave/dress . By keeping an open forum in our new home, we set home rules we discussed on how we are to respect each other in our home and lies, will not be tolerated it breaks trust/us. We agreed to communicate the good, bad and the ugly, that included telling me as their Mum if upset them or hurt their feelings. Trying build their confidence, empower them the narc parent would strip this down by telling them they are just like their Mum and they did not love him. It was a real challenge not to blow because they did not know what was happening to them. Then i broke down the role of a parent/what to expect as a child from their parent role models ( my clause, I can mistakes, i have apologised to my kids when booked, we make amends or we figure it out and agree our boundaries/talk it out) and what positive behaviours they can expect, so they can decide for themselves, reaffirmed they have a voice as long as they speak calmly and clearly they should be heard. Giving this autonomy enabled open talks, they began to talk their feelings and events during their visits and at home. Writing our agreed rules of conduct as a daily reminder was powerful and subject to change. This gave my 9 year old to have the courage to speak out and outline behaviours that are not acceptable and until tbey saw a change they would revisit. It was amazing to see a 9 yr old take the reins, stand up for themself, taking to task the narc parent and the flying monkeys, to hear the reasoning, clear articulation, the way it was delivered was amazing to watch. My 9 year old was afraid of retribution as and when they would be alone. In UK the courts make divorcing parents attend a course, i used that handbook to outline how parents should behave, information from an independent resource to validate expectation and remove the fear and retain the courage, ultimately not alone, I will be a shield as and when required.
      This act and ripple effect it caused was an eye opener for the older sibling who leaned towards pleasing/over own choice, complacent and managing internal conflict. This is hard for a parent to see and recognise, give your child a clear sense of right and wrong, reinforce to them they matter, they have a voice, to do the right thing as long as it is right for them. Enable them to love them selves, to have self respect and self care. My kids have started to navigate their own journey, own style and independence, finding their own voice and had to manage being subjected to the negative aspects of their narcisstic parent whom they no longer live but visit each month, who still lives with his own parents. My 12 year old is becoming wiser to the control tactics, becoming desensitized to the range of medical incidents which were used against them being told the illnesses are due to the kids living away. There was no financial or emotional support, I was compelled to remain by my own sense of values, integrity, culture and trying to do do the right thing (which was not right for me – got there somehow). Even after leaving I still have to manage regular disruption, attempts to destabilize me and the kids, gaslighting. I did not know until recently that there was a term for the way i now manage it all. its called the Gray rock method…it does work.

  8. Hi Melanie,
    What do you suggest to do when the relationship between your daughter and you has broken down over the past 10 years due to being married to a narcissistic husband who used triangulation with your daughter for many years. My daughter has been showing traits of narcissism for the last 10 years. She is now 26. Her father and I were married for 28 years and have now been separated for 7 months. Our divorce should be complete in the next month. I think I spent a lot of the last 10 years trying to defend myself due to all the demeaning behavior enacted towards me from my husband and her. It was highly promoted by him. I have a son also and we have a good relationship. Both of our children have decided to live with me for now and I am glad for that. They are both working and are very responsible. I miss those years I lost with my daughter. I think she saw a big void in our marriage and decided to fill that with the new authority that her father gave her. I knew all of this was not good for her or me but I seemed helpless to do anything about it. I am working through your NARC program now and it is helping. I want to present to my daughter a more healed mom. She remains mean and disrespectful at times but I am seeing an improvement. Do you have any suggestions.

    1. Hi Mary,

      You are on NARP and healing and that is key.

      Are you in the NARP Forum to reach out for guidance and support?


      Mary, this may seem too simple an answer regarding your solution with her – yet I promise you that it is the truth.

      Keep shifting out ‘everything that hurts’ regarding her. Then it will reset to ‘well-being’. Truly that’s it.

      And reach out for our support and guidance in the Forum, when in need. You don’t have to do it alone.

      Lots of love and support to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  9. My husband and I could not figure out how to be a grandparent to our grandkids. Their mother is the narc.Our son seems so helpless. We gave up and severed our relationship with our son and grandkids. My husband had a man to man, talk, yelling, crying episode with his son. Our son is 31 and seems hopeless and we love him, however we cannot be told what we can and cannot do by a another 30 something. There is so much more, this is how we had to choose joy over the anxiety our son chooses to deal with.

  10. This video popped into my inbox this morning after last night dealing with the police at my door, called by my narcissistic exhusband, trying to extract my 14 year old because she wouldnt go with him. I think I’ve done all the right things–going as no contact as possible with this man, being strong by not being sucked into his provocative emails and nasty smear campaigns and just staying strong. I try to help my daughter by explaining to her that the best way to deal with her father is the path of least resistance, but she is a teenager. I am witnessing her literally deconstruct with anxiety and headaches over this situation with her father. I am at a loss because I feel myself getting stronger every day as I learn more about what he is and how capable I am of dealing with him in the most peaceful way. But she won’t listen to me. And I cannot stand to hear her call me sobbing when he’s controlling her or emotionally abusing her, it breaks me. And my younger 11 year old called me last night after all of the drama and said “Mom, who can help us?” I am supposed to help them, I am their mother!

    1. Wow! What a challenging situation for you and your kids. I am about to enter a likely similar situation, as my Narcissist gains custody of my three kids from me the primary caregiver. I courts in Canada want 50/50 parenting, unfortunately he has convinced the children that this is fair and in their best interests. My beautiful children 11, 15 and 17 have been completely love bombed, so it will likely go this way, I am powerless and will just have to deal with the emotional fallout.

    2. Hi April,

      My heart goes out to you and your children.

      I really would love you to know that with Quanta Freedom Healing we do have an incredible ability to shift trauma for our children. Ultimately it is going to be up to them to get themselves out … as there is often threats of parent alienation charges that narcissists can use against you.

      I can’t recommend NARP healings enough for you to anchor into your power to help your children anchor into theirs, as well as create a shift in the entire situation to their favour.

      I know in this stress this may be the last thing you wish to look at right no – yet it is the only true solution I know of that really works.

      I’d love you to come into my free webinar April to learn more about this http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Sending strength, breakthrough and miracle to you and your children.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  11. Thank you for sharing about our concerns for our children. My children have homes of their own now, but suffer from the affects of being raised in what I now realize was a narcissistic-infused home. As we gathered for a birthday in their home of origin, we received threatening phone calls and group texts. Their father, who filed for divorce from me six months ago, expressed his rage over my attempt to gain access to our “family boat” while he was away skiing. Each of my children left the table to answer calls from him and tried to carry on the celebration without alarming my grandchildren ages 4 and 6. I became increasingly upset my spouse would carry out his threat to “make a scene” with everyone present. My daughter told me privately she asked him not to do so for the sake of the grandchildren, but he didn’t say he wouldn’t. I stated I felt I should leave after telling her my spouse/her dad called me names and tried to blackmail me emotionally. She said she understood and advised me to do whatever helped me feel safe. I went to my girlfriend’s home and got a call from my son who asked if I’d heard from Dad. My son described his concern after experiencing his dad raging about me on the phone to him, he cried and said he might as well throw himself under a bus (which he’d said in the past when he went from the tyrant role modeled by his father, to the martyr role modeled by his mother). My son was concerned that his dad wasn’t responding to texts or phone calls for over two hours. I assured my son his dad would “go off the grid” on me over the past ten years or so, and reminded him he’d done the same on the family at Thanksgiving.

    In short, I’d like to hear more about how adult children are affected by narcissistic abuse, particularly while experiencing their parent’s divorce.

    1. Hi Theresa,

      Here is a resource that may help …https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HU5rnqjJi9U

      This I really love people to understand though – the old way of attempting to heal families was to identify the traumas and try to soothe and manage them. Which generally means people are stuck with a lifetime of painful inner programs with the continuation of them into adult and future generations no matter what cognitive or logical understandings, or even strategies and talk therapy are adapted.

      The new paradigm of healing is this – one person in the chain(a parent) leads the way by releasing all of their trauma patterns which provides the inner being shift for their children, no matter what age they are.

      I hope this can inspire you to consider your own deep healing to help yourself and your children in the most powerful, real and effective way possible.

      The starting point for you is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending healing and breakthrough to you and your children.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  12. Thank you so much for this timely reminder, I am currently in a custody battle with my three children and divorce from my Narcissist after a 20 year marriage. I have been a stay at home mom for 17 years, and after only one month I have been completely smeared and vilified, with betrayals of epic proportions. I am reading your book, and working thru all the modules, they have been an incredible resource for understanding what my children and I are going thru. I thought that I was healthy again, but yesterday I was thrown back into the muck and couldn’t sleep. So I did module 8 at 2am and a relaxation, and found relief. I am changing how I engage in this fight, and becoming a resource of love and light for my kids. Thank you for keeping me on the path of truth!!!

    1. Hi Sarita,

      How fabulous you are doing the inner work for you and your children.

      Please know how welcome you are, and I just know – so within, so without – that you and your children are protected and blessed.

      So much love to you all.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  13. I gave my chidren to my ex (who has some narrassazset traits). Because i had some chronic mental illness. My children are now full grown. We have a close connection. But they have some of the trats of my ex. So i have been doing melanies gold program. When i do the qunta freedom and the pain comes up with my childten. I image my children as being younger. I bring a youner self of me and my younger as inner beings and pick myself and my children, pull out the pain there, hug them, bring them and myself into me. Surround with angels and bring into tje light. For me. Thats help with the pain of. Giving up on my children when they wete younger.

    1. Awww Shelley,

      I am so pleased you are letting go of the trauma and bringing in the light.

      You so deserve relief and healing with what you have been through.

      So much love to you and your children.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  14. Thank you so much for this! The timing couldn’t have been better. I have been struggling with this for so long, not knowing what to do and it has been so discouraging…I am so grateful to have this information right now! Thanks much!

  15. Melanie- I’d love to hear your point of view- I’ve just started your program this past month. However, I found myself having a large set back this weekend. My ex narc husband of 22 years has always favored my 12 year old daughter and even when he discarded US in another state, a little over a year ago (he had a plan all along of this discard with his hidden girlfriend)… he has paid the child support, visits her every other month but too busy with his own life and relationship to really be a parent outside of the trips and few texts or call each week.. but STILL a decent parent I guess. He’s now chiming in more often and acting like a more involved responsible parent ( and says he’s on my side) but he’s MOSTLY a friend to our daughter not a dad. My daughter has started in the past year to want to live with him, tells him she can’t “stand me”, has a pre-teen attitude, and talks of depression. my question is IS it all a triangulation or something or could he really be a great parent now and have TRUE intentions. Please enlighten me on your experience. A true narc ( and all my experience with him says he’s a covert narc) wouldn’t be a decent parent right? Am I wrong about him?

    1. Hi Veronica,

      That’s great that you have got started on the NARP healings and I’m happy to answer your question.

      Naturally this can be part of his moves to hurt you and gain custody of her.

      The real truth is regardless of who he is or what he is doing, by you releasing all ‘that hurts’ about this you will be able to heal by releasing out those traumas, and this will bring you and your daughter so much closer … healing your relationship with her.

      Are you in the NARP Forum getting help? I so suggest that during this difficult time. There is such a wealth of support and experience with Thriver parents in there for you.


      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  16. Great advice. My boys were taken from me by the narcissist and poisoned against me. They were physically violent to me, destroyed my things and went to court and said I was crazy and they were afraid of me. The courts did nothing, they are teens and old enough to choose. He had a criminal record and even was in jail and they stayed with his new supply. The courts didn’t care, there was nothing I could do. It was very hard, especially over the holidays. I was a SAHM and was with them 24/7 until he took them in October of 2017. I let go, I was told it was best to just let him have them, pay him and eventually they will see how he really is and come back. Then in January I did have a miracle, the NS turns out, was crazy. they saw the truth, mom wasn’t the crazy one after all. They left her. The boys continued to stay with him but they visited me and stopped their abusive behavior. After a few more months, my oldest ran away from him and has been staying with me. The narc disowned him because he wouldn’t tell the courts he wants to be with dad. They said we each get a child and the children can visit the other parent as they choose. I didn’t have to pay him support anymore. He now knows that he was used as a pawn to hurt me and get money for child support and tax deduction. The youngest is still with him, he is beginning to see, I think, but he feels like he is all the narc has left and has to “have his back” also, he had previously been scapegoat child and now is golden child and gets whatever he wants. I call him every day and he knows I love him and I am here for him. I don’t react when he says how wonderful his dad is, he is such a nice guy, he doesn’t understand why everyone thinks bad of him. So the little one is going to need some counseling I think, but right now I have very little input in his life. narc controls it all. he is also failing at school, gaining weight and barely leaves the house….but he is with the “better parent” The irony is I stayed in an abusive marriage for their sake, so they wouldn’t have a broken family. Either way, they ended up damaged, but my oldest has learned a lot from this and how to deal with these types of people. My youngest needs prayers.

    It really should be considered a crime the way they use and manipulate children and the system.

    1. Hi Melanie,

      You have been so inspirational and strong to get this far and wait this out.

      Well done and sending blessings to you and your children, and the return of your youngest.

      Much love to all of you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  17. Hi Mel, So wonderful, thank you! You’ve been key to helping me and my son so much 🙂 and so exciting that you’ll be in London – wish I could make it but hopefully next time!! x

  18. Hello Melanie,

    Your video resonated with me a great deal. I left my narcissistic partner of 30 years two months ago and have been no contact for 6 weeks. My two younger sons are adults and have moved with me. My oldest son has a family of his own with a new daughter. Oddly, my sons recognized and distanced themselves from their father before I conscious of the abuse that was my life and took actions to distance myself from the narcissist. My sons have had anger towards me because I aligned myself with the narcissist and enabled the abuse for many years. I was trying to please the narcissist so he would be nicer to us. Once I stopped trying to control the narcissist, many things began to change and are still changing.

    My oldest son ended his relationship with his narcissistic father and did not invite him to his wedding and will not allow him to have contact with his daughter. My youngest son has informed me that he will not attend any future family gatherings that include his dad. My middle son who looks the most like his father has stood up to him about his abusive behavior and made a conscious decision to move with me. Within the past year, all of my children made their own decision to limit contact with their father. Now I realize it was December 2017 that I announced to my husband and children that my intention was to neglect the marriage in order to care for what matters to me. Wow I didn’t put these things together until now!

  19. Today, I have experienced a great sense of peace and acceptance since realising that the narcissist traits that my daughter’s mother exhibits are the result of undiagnosed ADHD and Autism that she has not been able to accept or control. I have accepted that my daughter has a journey that she will experience with her mother and a journey that she will experience with me. Even though my daughter’s mother has made up lies about me in order to get an interim intervention order to stop my daughter and I from communicating with each other at the moment I am choosing to see the situation as an opportunity that I will eventually be able to use to teach my daughter about inner resources and strength of character when I do start seeing her again. By choosing to see the situation this way and teaching my daughter to do the same I may help my daughter to learn to have faith and trust that she can still be the embodiment of love and light even in the most difficult of times.

  20. Thank you for sharing this video Melanie. My two boys have each been affected differently by their narcissistic father. My oldest decided at 14 that he could not deal with the narcissistic behaviours and he distanced himself from his father. Over the years my son has made attempts to have a relationship with his father and he always ends up getting hurt. Now at 20 years old he finds it easier to not have a relationship with him at all.

    My younger son continues to attempt to have a relationship with his father because he believes it is his responsibility to help is dad get better.

    Both boys have been affected in different ways and I have tried my best to set a good example and to empower them to make the choices that are right for them individually. I worry what the long term affects of the trauma will have on them. A father is an important figure in a boys life and theirs is very tormented one.

    I will continue to love and support them and keep working on healing myself.

  21. Thank you so much for all you do beautiful Melanie ❤️

    I have two daughters and this topic is deeply important to me.

    Unfortunately I was raised by narcissistic parents and I can see that most of my relationships if not all with men have been the same.

    I have decided no more and I’m trying to heal myself. I am taking advantage of your free course and have just purchased your book. I’m also saving up so I can buy your course.

    I have tried many things over the years but your words and wisdom just make so much sense to me!

    I don’t want to survive, I want to thrive and more than anything I want the same for my girls.

    Thank you for spreading hope and kindness ❤️

  22. Hi Melanie
    This topic has been my life for the last14 years. I have 4 amazing children and 2 are from my previous relationship with a narc who emotionally and sexually abused me. I lost contact with my eldest daughter when I left the situation because the narc knew I wasn’t going to pass on my experiences with her so he used the ” she did me wrong and I dont know why” card on her and he bought her a car just before i left also. I have never told my children about what he did to me as it was my experience and I have no right to spread fear and change my children emotionally for no benefit at all. After i left he stalked me, turned up drunk at my home when the kids were there and even to pick up the kids for contact. I stopped visitation for fear of their safety. He took me to court and tried to get full custody for no other reason than to break me emotionally. He admitted he had no intention of following through.
    THAT was 7 years ago. Court approved visitation which he got wrong on many occasions but that was my fault apparently because when couldn’t remember how a calendar works.
    This year the worst happened. My son told me he was sexually abused by this monster. My sin told me because the narc used my daughter’s to find out where we live…Again. my son didn’t feel safe anymore.
    I did what I had to and went to authorities. The most hurtful time of our families life. I have done everything I am requires to do by law and as a parent.
    I do not demonize the narc to the kids, I am there for them solely, I dont hover or am scared they will break and I’ve told them they can feel however they want and that can also change and change again. We are currently waiting for court dates in both family and criminal courts. He was charged but says I am using my son against him due to a vendetta and has said my girls are at risk because I have kept them from him (mind you it’s taken him 10 months to apply to court so clearly the children are not at the forefront of his thinking).
    Sorry for the long story but I totally agree that not putting expectations on how kids or people SHOULD feel, act or behave is paramount. Trusting the relationship and all you have done and not wishing it wasn’t so but accepting the facts, doing what you can and staying healthy in mind and body is so so important. They’re 11 and 12 and understand what is going on but I never judge or chastise them for loving a monster. It’s one of the many faces narc wear and it’s their truth until he shows them a different one.
    Our family is stronger with love and understanding.

  23. Thank you for this video. Today I asked for guidance as I face family court in Nov. with my ex narc wanting to have my daughter removed from my care because he states I am mentally unwell. I can honestly say that I have never been better. I am at that point of acceptance and also of trusting that no matter what happens I will always be there to love and guide my daughter. I have never put him down nor met him with the anger and hatred he has met me. I have lost everyone through what he has said but I go onwards. I know that I am in peace at speaking the truth and the rest is out of my hands.
    I did gain strength in what you said about your son and the lady in your book. My daughter loves her dad and boy is he being good to her at the moment! I know that I just have to keep focusing on me and being the best that I can so that she picks up on that and trust that all will be ok.
    I have spent 3 years feeling terrified of him and also what he will do to my daughter with his mind games and lies. I now know I am free of the fear he has held me under for so long but I really needed to hear your words with court looming.
    Thank you

  24. The buck is stopping right here, right now!
    I can’t cut all strings, she is my son’s mother. He is 12 and we’ve been seperated for 10 years.
    Finally I have found out what this outrageous behaviour is all about. All this time I have just put it down to different personalities not being right for each other and we had confused good sex with love.
    I’ve been trying for so long to change her so that would change my reality. Nothing ever changed. I always ended up with the same frustrations, exasperations and anxieties. Those feelings lasted within me for days and when they subsided, that’s when the fear of the next interaction would be present. And the cycle would repeat itself.

    I knew I had fear. But I hadn’t broken down that fear to find out exactly what it was- what was I fearful of, when did I feel it, what could be done to not have it.
    Now I have, most revealingly, found out that because it was within me, I own it and only I have control of it.
    I am fearful of how I feel after interacting with her.
    What part of the interaction causes those feelings? Her responses to my attempts to have a rational conversation.(including all of the tactics these people employ)
    Therefore I am asking for my own fear!
    I am interacting with a False Self, she can’t change. She feeds off my fear.
    The only way to have no fear is to realise this and stop those futile attempts of mine.
    I just tested my new awareness of this with a typical interaction with her.
    Haha…. now I can laugh.
    I know one interaction doesn’t mean everything is fine now. I have to cleanse my bloodstream of that poisonous black ink – but I feel I am on the right track. And that’s a great feeling.
    I wish you all the best on your own journeys.

    1. PS.
      I forgot to mention that I have been reading a vast amount relating to this topic over the last couple of months.
      Starting off with hearing other people’s experiences. It was such a relief to understand that I was not alone and I was not crazy. Well not that much anyway, but validation of my experience was a relief in itself.
      Then to understand these narcissistic traits and how/why they are there.
      Then to the treatments that are available.
      It was your writings Melanie, that I ended up with that have consolidated all the information I have been reading and helped me come to my revelation. It was your writings that gave me the Aha moment.
      Thankyou for them.

        1. Hi Melanie,
          I want to warn people of a potential repercussion of a narcissist’s control of their children and of the other parent’s actions combating the narc.
          My son’s wellbeing is giving me the strength to delve into myself and that has been a shattering experience. But worth it because I wouldn’t be able to help my son if I hadn’t gone there.
          He has a condition called Amplified Musculoskeletal Pain Syndrome. So bad that he was in a wheelchair.
          It comes from psychological trauma, a result of the suppression of developing, nurturing and allowing a child’s True Self to be present.
          As much as I thought I was giving a positive guidance on routine and structure to counteract the complete lack of those from his mother, I was prescribing and lecturing and responding badly to his mother. I wasn’t being the role model I thought I was. This has probably contributed to his condition and I must accept responsibility for this, for my also suppressing his True Self.
          So to help our kids, we must ‘put the oxygen mask on first’.
          If you are searching for a switch you can flick that will change your situation, you will be searching forever.
          The answer is only within ourselves, only we can switch on the light.
          And only then, we will be the guiding light for our kids to follow and help protect them from the insidious everlasting destruction methods of the narcissist.

          Thankyou again Melanie, I am sorry for all of your pain, but grateful that( amazed actually) you are able to help others because of it.

  25. My child was protected from that harsh no sense until her mid 20’s where sadly has become involved in some type of movement predicated on victimhood, rage, entitlement, starting fights, performative cruelty, shifting lies to suit whatever the story needs to be to help the narcissist feel highly desired, intelligent and in control as if everyone else is the limited irresponsible rubbish they really are. So feeling like it’s too late

  26. Thank you very much Melanie.

    My 22 year old daughter is very important to me.

    After a disastrous divorce I was always worried about what would happen to my daughter, how to help her and I felt so desperate, so incompetent, so powerless.

    I finally heard you speak in a video of a narcissism aid program, about what to do with your children and that caught my attention.
    Enter the NARP program, then the love, health and abundance program and then the next one.
    I have improved a lot and I continue to do so and it is true, my daughter, although she does not live with me, I see her better and I am hopeful that the situation will continue to improve.

    In another known therapeutic method where I participated, they did not offer me that help with my daughter.

    I have a blog and I am going to write an article about this, quoting you, you have permission.

    With tears in my eyes I appreciate your help because my daughter is very important to me.


    1. Hi Miguel,

      I am so happy for you and your daughter that you are seeing as you shift, so does she.

      Absolutely I’d love you to share this information on your blog. More parents do need to know how we can heal our children, by healing ourselves.

      I love that I could help you help her. Our children are precious.

      Much love to you both

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  27. I was guided to this video from one of the beautiful NARP forum Moderators after seeking advice on how to comfort my child’s hyper-emotional state after he returns back from his N dad’s house. This was a beautiful reminder that, while I have evolved out of judging and trying to control the situation, I’m still blaming and shaming myself for the whole situation my son is in (breaking up our family). I now know I need to work on this trauma and continue to be a source of unconditional love and support for my son. It is so beautiful to finally be in a place where I trust the processes and outcomes. I am no longer debilitated by the thought of him being with our around his narcissistic father. In fact, I’m grateful he has time with his dad and I know, deep down, that he will be okay and (like Beatrice’s son) have the discernment to know what is true and ability to step into his power. I just know this to be true. This video, however, reminded me that I still am holding onto the guilt of “breaking up our family” and the other impacts this has had on our son. Thank you, Melanie, for that beautiful reminder today. Time to shift this 🦋

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