The subject of this week’s Thriver TV might be a bit of a surprise to you, as I don’t usually comment on celebrities.

But with Taylor Swift riding high as the first artist to claim the entire top 10 in the Billboard Hot 100, it’s been hard not to notice her singing about narcissism in her number 1 single ‘Anti-Hero’.

What’s really interesting about this song is that it’s not like other famous songs on the topic. Those songs are clearly about narcissists who have abused the singer. This one is nuanced, complex, it’s not straight-forward, and it’s provoked a lot of debate online.

The best songs always allow for a significant amount of personal interpretation, and the video for this single only adds to the enigma, so I’ve really enjoyed breaking this one down.

Is Taylor Swift a narcissist, as she seems to be saying? Or is it more complicated than that?

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to talk about something I normally don’t. I normally don’t cover celebrities – it’s just not what floats my boat. But today I wanted to have a look at the new Taylor Swift song because it’s really blown up out there and it’s about narcissism.

This is kind of awesome because it’s delivering more awareness. This song also takes a little bit of research and a little bit of deciphering because it’s confusing. She’s almost talking about herself as the narcissist? But what I really want to highlight today is the way she’s singing about it.

It’s not that she is the narcissist – even though she’s putting her hand up and saying that she is the narcissist.  This is really relevant for our community because this is a quandary and a problem that so many people have. That’s what I want to have a look at.

The song is called Anti-Hero, and one of the lines in it is, “My covert narcissism is disguised as altruism.” So we’re looking at covert narcissism and altruistic narcissism. Is she those things?

We’re going to explore that, but before I do, I want to remind you to please subscribe to my YouTube channel if you haven’t already, and also share my videos with other people that you think could be helped by them. I would really appreciate that as it helps get the word out there – that we can heal for real from narcissistic abuse in incredibly powerful Quantum ways.

Now let’s decipher some parts of this song.

 

“I’m The Problem, It’s Me”

One of the catchphrases from the chorus is, “I’m the problem, it’s me.”

A narcissist would never say ‘I’m the problem’. On the contrary, they will always say that you are the problem!

But when people are gaslighted by a narcissist, they’re continually told that they’re the problem and so they begin to believe this is the truth.

In a narcissistic relationship you lose all kinds of faith, and become unable to stand in your own values and your own truth.  You are told lies, you’re manipulated, facts get changed and thrown back in your face. That’s what gaslighting is. You don’t know what your reality, your values, or your truth is anymore.

We consistently find that when people are being gaslit by narcissists, they will say, “I think I’m the problem.”

That’s what she’s saying in this song.

 

“I Have This Thing Where I Get Older But Just Never Wiser”

She also has a line which is, “I get older but just never wiser.” That’s very true of narcissists because narcissists don’t self-reflect. They don’t learn from their mistakes. They continually re-offend and do the same things over and over again.

Narcissists are constantly having to restart their lives after taking them to the point of destruction due to their behaviours. They keep finding themselves alone out of pushing everybody away, or devaluing and discarding them.

But victims of narcissistic abuse feel like they’re not getting wiser as well, because they keep staying stuck in the same programs and patterns of handing their power away, and of the cognitive dissonance of, “I can fix this”.

“Maybe if I just do something differently this time. Maybe this is my fault. Maybe if I just go to therapy some more;  maybe if I do better boundaries;  maybe if  I even do law of attraction so that I can visualize that other person as a loving, caring, kind person, then they’re going to change.”

When we’re with a narcissist and they’re not changing, we are getting older but not wiser.

We haven’t accepted the truth that this relationship is toxic, this person isn’t durably taking any responsibility for their behavior, they’re not self reflecting, they’re never genuinely sorry, they don’t make amends and therefore they keep re-offending.

If we stay with that, we’re definitely not getting wiser. Interesting…

 

“My Depression Works The Graveyard Shift”

Then she says, “My depression works the graveyard shift.” For a victim of narcissistic abuse, depression is there, absolutely, because you’re having the life force sucked from you.

Narcissists have depression all the time as well, because narcissists really don’t love themselves. They don’t have an inner solid sense of self, but they cover that up.

It’s very rare for a narcissist to admit that they have depression, as that would mean that there’s something wrong with them – which would mean having to actually do something to get well and out of their depression.

Whereas victims of narcissistic abuse will often admit that they’re depressed.

Mind you, there can be covert narcissists who will use their depression as their crutch – as their excuse for not going out to work, or for not taking responsibility for their life in other ways – while they’re mining and exploiting somebody else to take the responsibility for them. This type of very parasitical covert narcissist will play the victim and say, “I’ve got chronic depression.”

I don’t know Taylor Swift personally, I don’t know if she’s singing about her or someone else, and I don’t know about her personal life, so I’m not going to comment on that because it’s really not my business.

I certainly haven’t had anyone come forward claiming to have been abused by her and describing all the stock standard behaviours that would have me saying “Yes, you are a victim of narcissistic abuse!.

But what she is singing about and the way she is singing about it would indicate (in the song at least) that she is a victim of this.

 

 

 

“Left To My Own Devices…I End Up In Crisis”

She speaks about the helplessness of “left to my own devices”, which means that “I end up in crisis”. In the video clip, she’s drinking at night a couple of times, sitting on a roof and elsewhere. There’s this real feeling of helplessness and powerlessness.

When we are in a situation of being abused by a narcissist – when we haven’t detached and taken back ourself, our spirit and our soul yet – then we will try to ease the pain with addictive or self-medicating behaviors that are going to bring on even more crises.

There’s also the shame and the pain of not reaching out to others and feeling misunderstood. People don’t understand the dynamics and the gaslighting of narcissistic abuse. They don’t understand that we do self-harming things out of trying to deal with the helplessness and the powerlessness.

 

“I’ll Watch As You’re Leaving Cos You Got Tired Of My Scheming”

She talks about relationships ending – “I’ll watch as you’re leaving, you’re tired of my scheming.”

When we’re staying connected to a narcissist, we’re living a lie because the true self is screaming. Our inner intuition, our GPS (God Protection System), is screaming with the trauma and the pain.

That’s the truth. We know it’s not right, but we’re so trauma bonded that we make up excuses and reasons.

Many of us, myself included, lied, schemed and snuck around to see the narcissist while nobody was looking  – lying to family, friends and maybe even our children to keep the trauma bond intact. We prioritised our addiction to a narcissist, rather than having an innerstanding of integrity and truth which would have enabled us to heal our trauma and wounds, bringing us back to an integrity of ourself and  with Life.

It’s therefore going to be very common to have fallouts with people in your life. To be honest, you are scheming, you’re trying to tread water, you’re trying to walk on broken glass, you’re making excuses for your own behaviour,  and you’re lying to other people about the narcissist.

Whenever you’re talking to somebody about someone else, and you’re over-explaining how wonderful they are, how much they’ve changed and how it’s different this time, you’re really trying to convince yourself. It’s not about trying to convince them.

 

“All Of The People I’ve Ghosted”

She also talks about ghosting others.

When you pull back and stop making contact with a narcissist, to try to heal and save your own soul, the narcissist will accuse you of being a narcissist. They will accuse you of ghosting them. They will accuse you of the silent treatment.

Whereas really what you’re doing is no contact to try to heal and recover.

People will accuse you of ghosting. Maybe there are some people in your life that are saying to you, “Just get on with it. Why can’t you get over this person?”

They don’t understand, even though you’re trying to get approval from them. In order to heal, you may need to pull away and stop having contact with them for a time. This will allow you to do the healing necessary for you to get in contact with your own inner being, and to receive approval from yourself and from true source. Rather than trying to get approval from outside of yourself – from other people – for some journey that they don’t understand and haven’t gone through yet.

That’s what’s so wonderful about our community! We totally understand this and you. When you are a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) member and you are connected to the NARP Community Forum, you have total support with your tribe, because we do get it at a very, very deep level.

 

“She’s Laughing Up At Us From Hell”

Now, it’s really interesting when she sings about what happens with her at her funeral, where her children are devastated because she hasn’t left them anything. She has obviously been mined and exploited by them, and they’re more connected to what they can get from her rather than who she is as their mother.

This would not indicate that she is the narcissist. It would more or less indicate that what she has been doing is enabling narcissism. She’s been people-pleasing, saying yes and not having boundaries with the people that she loves in her life – believing that is support, that is love, that is care, and that is kindness. Rather than having care, kindness and boundaries for herself.

Narcissism can come from over-entitlement, as a result of us granting too much to our children, those we love or even our friends. When we look at it at a deep level, maybe we were really doing that because we wanted them to love us. But it’s much healthier to maintain the boundaries of loving ourselves, saying no and teaching them limits and disappointments. Teaching them to respect us because we respect ourselves.

I found that part of the video really, really interesting.

 

In Conclusion

So to wrap it up, I hope that this video has helped highlight some of the truths of narcissism to the world and to spread awareness. What I always like to do is to look at both sides of the fence and see how narcissism plays out, with us enabling, handing our power away, and not coming back to our inner-standing and our truth.

What Taylor is really singing about – where she’s saying, “I’m the problem”, “My scheming”, and the blaming and shaming of herself – is very, very consistent with people who have been abused by narcissists. People who are in the fog, in the cognitive dissonance, in the taking on so much responsibility, in the gaslighting of thinking that it’s you.

I hope this has been food for thought, and I hope it has given you some more ideas about the truth and the power that we have inside of ourselves – to be able to walk out of the mess and create a boundary of no contact. We can separate ourselves from the madness and the insanity, from the destruction of our own spirit and soul, and from the disintegration of our sanity, to come home to true healing within ourselves.

That’s exactly what I stand for in this community and what my NARP 10 Step Healing program creates.

So I hope that you found this interesting today. Have you heard this song? What did you make of it? As always, I look forward to reading your comments.

Until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do.

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Commments (16) + Leave a comments

16 thoughts on “A Deeper Look At Anti-Hero

  1. Melanie,
    Thank you for doing this video about Taylor Swift song. When I heard it I knew what she was talking about and I also knew that she was the victim. I hope that this song will open up a real discussion about why there seem to be so many people with, at the very least, narcissistic tendencies. I fear that we are breeding more kids who are going to be the “golden child” and have more problems with mental health.

  2. Therese, totally agree. My friend was with a guy who totally destroyed her. Her friend asked her to explain what happened in her relationship. She said “I can’t explain it. It’s the most bizarre experience I’ve ever had, the things done were so childish and I was so pathetic and enabled his behaviour but I’m glad I’m out of the drama” I agreed with her completely, I said yes it’s true, you wake up and think, how could I have been so stupid. It is unexplainable!
    The circular arguments that never get resolved, you are to blame for everything that is wrong but you continue to try and fix this person that can never be fixed. It’s a battle that can never be won. No one believes you because the things you say happened are so ridiculous. Thankyou, you woke me up, big time. They aren’t worth your anger or frustration. Walk away! Melanie, you are a genius 🤗❤️

  3. I agree and knew this song was written from the victim’s perspective when she sings ‘at tea time everybody agrees’ [I’m the problem, it’s me]. This happened to me when my ex narc, and his flying monkeys, started accusing me of being the problem one night at the dinner table. I was surrounded by them with nowhere to go but agree and to blame myself. This memory cuts deep, but thanks to TS I can feel it and know I am not alone in the recovery from narcissistic abuse. Thanks for your shrewd analysis of the ‘anti-hero’ Melanie – on point as always x

  4. So I literally just got out of the relationship like in the last couple days. I’ve been studying narcissism for a very long time. However, I have been a custom to the overt, the obvious,
    Malignant ones. Those were the ones that were easy spot. In my 20-30’s (I’m 40 years old) I used to say give me three days-three weeks and I can figure out if someone’s a narcissist. If they’re really overt I only need three hours. Although I’ve been exposed to covert narcissist I had no idea that’s what I was dealing with until now. I met him in seventh grade and he was the cutest boy in all of seventh grade. When he reached out to me in March of this year I was already in love with the idea of who he was because he was the cutest boy in seventh grade And so I already idolized him. Not only that but I’ve been single for a year and a half I had just gotten out of a another narcissistic relationship for three years but not as bad as this one. When I met him in person he was short he was chubby and I’ll be honest, if he wasn’t who he was in seventh grade and I didn’t already have him or the idea of him on a pedestal I would have never been interested in this man from a sexual physical standpoint. But a mind can play powerful tricks on you. He did all the right things in the beginning. I was literally looking for the red flags and I was saying to myself there’s not one he doesn’t have a red flag at all he’s amazing he’s a good dad mind you I only met his son(18) & he was a great guy kid because of the mother, his first baby mama. The daughter who is 13 I never met still have not met her and I’ve been with him since March. And he said it was because she hated him because the mom made her hate him. Of course I felt sorry for him of course I believed him. And mind you I didn’t know what a covert narcissist was I didn’t think a narcissist would ever play the Poor pitiful me game would ever be the victim would ever look for empathy or sympathy or whatever. It took me for almost 5 months for me to see the real him. It started around month four but I was still blind to the fax. Once those traits started coming out it was Mayhem. And they started flying like the flags were on fire it was one after another after another after another. I could start seeing some of the traits so I was looking up more about narcissism because clearly there was some thing I was missing because he wasn’t an overt one and then I stumbled across that there’s like four or five kinds and I was blown away . Once I learned the word covert & researched what one was, he was textbook. I literally was head over heels in love. And I thought it was a real love because from a physical standpoint he wasn’t someone who would really catch my eye so I thought the fact that I was so sexually charged and attracted to him it had to be love it couldn’t be passion it couldn’t be lost. Looking back I know it was a lot of that. I was so in love that I had never felt like I’ve ever loved like this before the first four months. It was probably the best 4 Months of my entire life because for the first time at 40 years old they were no red flags and that high of being in love again and I hadn’t felt that in years probably since I met my ex-husband. And because he was more of an overt narcissist it was more short-lived and because we were friends with benefits and it took longer to form and because we ended up getting together finally and marrying because my son had a seizure and went into a coma and that’s when my ex-husband decided and declared he loved us and wanted to be the hero and step in and save us because not only was my son in a coma for a few days but that was what transitioned me onto opiates the first time. I’ve had an addiction problems as 2013 it was very minor then but my ex-husband was murdered in March 2018 and it reared its ugly head and this time it got bad it’s been bad I’m not gonna lie. Back to my current situation around month or something happened & it was shattered in an instant. We got Covid together. Hr brought it home from Ohio when he went on vacation with his family. Actually his red flags started in Ohio but because he was drinking and
    Had told me that he shouldn’t drink that it’s not good for him and essentially warned me about he gets when he was drinking, when he was ugly to me on the phone one night in front of his cousin and his cousins fiancé I wouldn’t tell me he love me back out of the blue just became cold as ice for no reason , I blamed it on the drinking. Of course at this time I had not put it together yet. We had to stay five days together at his house because of Covid. He came home and on like the first night he was home I went to his house of course we had sex made love and when I was kissing him I was like your mouth is on fire do you have a fever he’s like yeah that always happens I drink for five or six days in a row my body gets dehydrated I get a fever and I’m like OK all right well I looked it up and yeah you can get a fever you have to be severely dehydrated and I know he wasn’t severely dehydrated cause he would’ve been in the hospital but still again me being a nurse in the past didn’t put two and two together. Anyway we decided to stay at his house because I wasn’t bringing it back home to my kids. I had gone the last three years since Covid came out without getting it I clean houses for a living I have my own cleaning company. I have cleaned houses after the whole entire family has had Covid I have had my friends have Covid and stay at my house for five or six days I’ve taken them to the hospital wore a mask you know alcohol my hands I never got Covid I used to joke and say I have bleach in my remains because of the cleaning and that’s why I don’t get it. Him giving me Covid should have been the obvious sign that he was bad for me metaphorically speaking. When we had spent time together whether it was a couple hours or night or even maybe a weekend he was never on the phone. He appeared to devote everything to me. However in the beginning of our relationship I’m gonna go back a second for the first month he saw me every weekend for a night or so but he didn’t talk to me during the week and around the fourth week I decided you know what I like him I know I like him I’m gonna be upfront with him and I’m gonna tell him I want to get to know him better we’re not gonna get to know each other like this as soon as I said that of course looking back now he mirrored what I wanted him to mirror he was calling me every day we were getting to know each other we were talking we were seeing each other everything happens so fast. Of course now I look back the love bombing it started. And he was reading me like a book he love doing everything I love doing his little fat ass loved hiking no he didn’t but he pretended like he did he love that I took pictures and did my photography thing not once we got together if we went hiking then he complain that I took pictures because I’m not taking in spending all my time with him and I’m like I’m with you I’m here I just wanna capture the moment will just be in it with me well that’s not the same I take pictures I want to edit them I want to make them look more beautiful than they already are that’s who I am and even though he didn’t want to except it and he tried to make me feel bad about it I still did it. I had some boundaries just not enough. Not the right ones not in the right place. so back to our state together with Covid. I saw his every day life for five days. And one of those days I noticed he was pretty regularly texting someone for about 4-6 hours every 10 minutes 15 minutes he’d respond back. I noticed that whoever was texting him he made them wait 10 minutes 15 minutes 30 minutes and honestly that’s how he was with me in the beginning he would take forever to respond and it was so annoying. So I asked who is that? He says “ oh it’s Katherine she went to high school with me we’re just friends blah blah blah blah!” I said “y’all been texting all day long though” and he’s like “well she asked me whenever I get over Covid can I go take care of some things around her house like hang some lights and what not.” I said “What excuse me! Ummmm no you can’t! Doesn’t she know you have a girlfriend? mind you we had just gone on our first little mini vacation to Clearwater beach he had told me he loved me not once but it was a second time at Clearwater Beach. He told me the first time I think around month two when I was getting out of the car one morning when he dropped me off at my car. by the way for the first couple months he didn’t let me park at his house cause he was going through a divorce which I thought started the January prior to this January because that’s how he made it sound in March but when I told him I wanted to start seeing and talking to him or he goes well I just started the divorce I’m not trying to rush it and I said oh I’m sorry I got a different impression that totally makes sense so I obliged and I parked at Walgreens and of course he pick me up and I’d have to wait till he closed his garage door before I was even allowed to get out of the car. He really was going through a divorce and they were separated and of course I found out later really what started the divorce wasn’t what he told me he said it was her wanting to do drugs and party all the time yeah he’s the one who likes doing drugs and partying all the time he’s the one who made the poor lady suffer for six days and he would refuse to tell her he loved her he’s the one who told her that she got fat and out of shape when his ass is fat and got out of shape. Hindsight is 2020 but right there in those moments I didn’t see all of it but I didn’t know some of these things either it took until around month six I think for me to really figure it out and I had to ask for his phone again and he was stupid enough to give it to me thank God. So when I told him “no you’re not going to go to her house does she realize that did you tell her that? Does she know you have a girlfriend you need to tell her you have a girlfriend.” He was like “oh babe I’m not attracted to her or anything she’s the girl that I was with remember in the beginning we started dating I went to the sports pub to watch the game with everyone. I said “yeah you told me you were there with two couples & yourself.” Mind you this is in the beginning when I first started realizing that he was trying to gaslight me he was always trying to tell me that I remember things correctly that I had a bad memory and I had to be due to my drug use because my mom and dad telling him about my drug problem And boy did that explode everything. So yes I lied to him about my drug use I told him that I had it in the past that it was years ago I didn’t tell him that I just went to a rehab last January and I didn’t tell him of course that it was still going on. I was ashamed. Unfortunately, it was the one thing I lied about. and do you know that he brought up it every day if not multiple times a day. When he lied to me about so many different subjects and would never take responsibility or say sorry or even acknowledge what he did he would just try to deflect and project the moment I bring it up and I would literally sit there because I felt bad for lying about my drug problem and admit that I was sorry and that I was wrong every day until finally maybe a week of it I’m like Kevin you literally have lied to me about so many more things and that’s when he would wanna discard me and of course I’d freak out because I was in love I couldn’t let him walk away like it was crazy. Anyway back to the story. He admits he was with Katherine and another couple. Of course I say “that’s not what you told me. And of course I asked him have you told her that you have a girlfriend and he is really good at not answering questions I noticed that about him too he will literally make me ask almost every question even if it’s a question that has to do with like just what are we gonna have for dinner he make me ask two or three times before he would answer me. And it would make me so freaking irritated. So probably around month two or 3 he asked for the code to my phone and was asking me if he could see my phone because of the lie about the drugs. He want to make sure I wasn’t buying anything from anyone or talking to dealers or whatever which of course I deleted those things I knew what to do and he never found anything on my phone I’m not saying I wasn’t doing stuff because I was it was the one thing I did lie about it’s hard to get over that habit. I’m really having a hard time. I knew when people put these things out it’s because they’re doing it but I couldn’t figure out how or why he was putting these things out though cause I couldn’t see him doing this. I really thought he was just really insecure because he was just getting over a bad marriage and blah blah blah blah like he was of course the victim and everything. And his ex-wife is crazy yeah right now I know the difference. And because his ex-wife left him for drugs supposedly I guess I felt obliged to make him feel good like I wasn’t doing that. Anyway I say “love to see your phone. You literally asked for mine all the time and I handed over so let me let me see your phone let me see what you say to each other since you’re just friends.” and he hesitated but ended up handing it over to me. I guess he didn’t think I could read so quickly and spot something so quickly but within seconds I was back a few dates and I saw him ask her to dinner. Now mind you we just went to the beach the weekend prior and he just told me he love me and he was asking her a week prior to go to dinner with him. I blew up and told him he better tell her right now that he has a girlfriend and that he was not gonna talk to her anymore and I said “and you better not blame it on me”. Lo and behold you know what he says “hey I can’t be friends with you anymore I have a girlfriend she’s going crazy.” He seemed to like that crazy word anytime after that. And that picture I had of him that pedestal I put him on , that love I felt that I never felt for anyone, I went to another room and I cried for 45 minutes And I woke up the next day and I didn’t feel it anymore I loved him but I didn’t feel that happiness that finally I found mine I didn’t realize it but it all went away right then in there because everything that I was doing I mean I was making a little sexy videos I was having sex with this man in the morning I hated morning sex before I was doing everything I I have never done sexually in my life with him. And I was loving it to the point where I was doing things I had never done with a man and loving it. Anyway while I was crying for those 45 minutes or however long it was i thought to myself he’s not coming to check on me he hasn’t even said sorry he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong like what the hell is going on like who is this perfect man? Where did he go? And I was flabbergasted because I hadn’t known what a covert narcissist was at this time. That was a start a downfall and it’s only gotten worse and worse and worse. I have called him out and I told him exactly what he is once I figure it out. Funny how I all of a sudden remembered in the beginning of the relationship that his ex-wife used to call him a narcissist all the time should recognize right then and there. You can bet the next time I’m in a relationship if I hear anything like that well let’s put it this way I’m not gonna be in a relationship with someone for a very long time until I know who they are for sure 100% it’s gonna be a long long time. I’m gonna have walls so fucking high around my heart he’s going to need a freaking polevault over them. Anyway i’ve done everything I’m told not to do with a narcissist. I’ve sent him videos. I’ve thrown the words out like projection in deflection and boy what are you know those words came into his vocabulary very quick and he tried to use them on me. But it was those things that kind of amuse me because at this point I knew what was going on and I was like that’s not gonna work I’m not a nurses I’m an empath I know who and what I am I’ve already done this I’ve already been through narcissistic Tess I’ve already asked myself if I’m an artist and I’ve already fixed some of my narcissistic qualities that I learned from my father and become a better person I started that journey 10 years ago. I don’t have it in me to not point it out because there was a time in my life where I was ugly. I was more narcissistic than I am bc I was raised by a covert narcissist father. He ingrained a few things in me that I didn’t realize were that bad. I used to think that if I had a boyfriend and I cheated on him what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him until about 10 years ago when I broke up my best friends marriage. I felt so bad and so low for so long. I lost her friendship and one day I looked in the mirror and I said “Brandi, somethings gotta change and it’s gotta be you! I started down this path and little by little over the years I’ve done better but little by little I’ve been in narcissistic relationship after narcissistic relationship and it has just Destroyed my soul. I’m 40 and I remember saying at 30 “why are all these women in their 40s bitter? like what the hell happened to them?I’m not gonna be like them there’s no way I could ever be like that!” I would see how other men their age would talk down about them because they were jaded, guarded, hardened by men over the years, cutting people off! I didn’t realize they were doing what they had to do to fucking protect themselves because they have probably been with narcissistic man after narcissistic man. And I look now and I’m them and it’s like I don’t know how I got here but I do. My ex-husband was murdered almost 5 years ago & within a couple weeks I got in a relationship with another narcissist, one of his friends actually. I knew it was wrong, it was too early and I knew he was taking advantage of me in a weak moment in my life but I was so desperate to be loved and to be held because essentially the love of my life I just been killed and even though we weren’t married anymore we were still trying to get back together and we were working on things and I had cut them off for five days blocked him and wouldn’t talk to him and in those five days when he was killed and I had so much regret and so much guilt that the only thing that gave me any happiness was him my kids and the drugs but the drugs they weren’t giving me happiness they were just numbing me. It was bad. I was vulnerable. I believe he knew what he was doing. He got me at my weak moment and I stayed with him for three almost 4 years. I delved deep into addiction of opiates and I have been fighting and trying to survive and come up for air for so long. To be honest, you’re the first glimmer of hope and Caroline Strawson, she’s a light at the end of the tunnel too. I thought educating myself on what they were and who they were I’d be OK. I’d be immune to them. I wouldn’t fall for them. Boy was I wrong. I literally started writing a book called “narc magnet” and I’m going to write a book about my life and my relationships one day. I want to educate every woman out there about what to look for and how to get out early and how to survive if you’re in there and how to heal if you stay too long. I want to do what y’all are doing so bad. I don’t know how I don’t know when. I know I have to heal first and I started on this journey a few weeks ago and I am now determined more than ever. Because last night I went through 10 years of pictures on my Instagram to find pictures so I could write a happy birthday post for my 17 year old boy who turned 17 today and my daughter turned 18 in September and I wrote one for her . So Kinda it started with her couple months ago when I was in this relationship with him and I started seeing quotes I used to put up. I was more positive and I was more happy. Over the years people have told me they can see the light in me has dimmed & ask where have you gone? you know your presence on social media isn’t there anymore. You used to be an inspiration. They know Will was killed & know i have to be heartbroken. I am heartbroken my ex-husband was murdered ( btw he was a little bit of a narcissist too to be completely honest. Seems like every man who was abused as a child in someway or had a really big traumatic event happened to them they become narcissistic in some form. But what has really broken me are these covert narcissists that I didn’t even know existed till a couple months ago. I thought since they were the victim, I could love them out of this. I was so wrong. And they are more detrimental than the overt ones than the obvious ones. They are devious they are truly a wolf in sheep‘s clothing. They get in and they get you and they hook you and then they destroy you little by little even when I knew what was going on and I said to myself no this is what’s going on you’re not gonna fall for it you’re gonna be OK you’re stronger than this . I was wrong. Because the obvious ones you can walk away bc you could see who they are from the start. The covert ones, they get in and they just weasel and sneak and poke and prod And when you blow up oh my god you’re the bad one then. just so you know , in my mind and in my heart , I’ve never been a victim. Yes-I’ve been a victim multiple times in my life but in my mind I have never been a victim, I’ve only been a survivor! I am strong under this veil of weakness. I have fight in me that sometimes can’t be seen and I know that fire is starting to spark again and I can feel it and I love it and I want it back. Being a survivor and not a victim, that’s one of my mottos!! Doesn’t matter if it was sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional, verbal, mental -whatever-I am a fucking survivor . But the last couple years I’ve been really really having a hard time with that, With believing that, with seeing that, understanding that! I am broken. I just want to be fixed please. This is me pouring my heart and soul out to you ladies. I don’t even know you but I need this like I need the air to breathe because I’m never gonna get off of these opiates if I don’t heal myself. I’m trying I’m really trying. I have so much pain inside that I wanna release. I do have more to say and I know this probably kind of went along with the topic and I totally went off on a total rant but I needed to get it out. I need to tell somebody and I don’t know who’s gonna see this and I don’t know who wants to reach out but I would gladly accept a phone call or a text or an email or whatever! I really need someone I can talk to about this cause I don’t know if my friends or family would understand. I don’t know if I wanna bother them with it because they’re all in relationships and they’re all happy I just need someone who knows and understands. I don’t want to explain it. I can just say what it is and you’ll know. I don’t want to have to give the vocabulary words of what being gaslighted is or what love bombing is. I just need somebody to know. I needed to get this off my chest. I needed to say my truth out loud. This is just the start of it I can feel it in my bones. I am so blessed to have come across this. Thank you thank you so much. I’d love to have a friend or two.

    1. Please join NARP. It’s worth it. You may want to remove your contact info from your post as well. It is open for EVERYONE to see!

    2. Hi Brandi, I don’t know if you’ll even see this reply as your comment was posted almost a year ago now but I just wanted to reply and say I read your whole comment and my heart really goes out to you. I’ve been right where you are too and you should be proud of yourself for at the very least recognizing it. Better late than never. Feel free to reach out if you ever need someone to talk to.

  5. Really enjoyed reading your argument Melanie. For me it was these two words: ‘everyone agrees’. That sealed it for me – she captures exactly that space where you cant tell who is the perpetrator – you or them? In my case ‘everyone agreed’ I had mental health issues. Hard to counter because I did by then – from living with him!

    How good is it to be out of the cage. To anyone still struggling – keep going, you’ll get there.

  6. I got way too excited to see you tackling “Anti-Hero”. 😂 Taylor released a bonus track on the same album, “Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve,” and it’s a gut-wrenching account of the long-lasting effects of a toxic relationship with a “devil” who was seemingly much older and who was “a crisis of [her] faith.” While I can’t speak with any authority on her life, that song hits me in a very familiar place. It has me thinking that she’s a survivor of narcissistic abuse, as well.

  7. Hi,
    I really loved reading this perspective on the song “Anti-Hero”. As a survivor of having a narcissistic mother I very much relate to everything Taylor Swift seems to be talking about. I love that she is able to articulate how victims of narcissistic abuse often get so fearful that they are actually the narcissist because they are always told that they are the problem.

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