If you have dealt with a narcissist, you know that they lie.
In fact, any relationship with a narcissist is fraught with lies from the very beginning all the way through to the end and beyond.
And watch out if you question their lies, seeking answers or accountability … they simply can’t stand anybody challenging their constructed narrative about themselves or life.
So why does the narcissist need to project, twist, and turn facts around to blame you for their dirty deeds?
Why is everything your fault?
And why do you find yourself going along, to get along and making excuses, even lying, for the narcissist?
I can’t wait to answer all these questions in today’s Thriver TV episode! I will also share with you what is really behind the narcissist’s lying, and how you can stop lying to yourself and others.
I want you to finally say NO to unhealthy relationships and YES to inner healing and TRUTH.
Video Transcript
Today, I want to talk about narcissistic abuse and lies because a relationship with a narcissist is fraught with lies.
I hope today is going to help you realize so much because I want to peel back these lies and look at truths that are going to set you free. Big truths about how the narcissist lies about us, and you may be surprised to understand, how we lie about them.
Before we get going, if you’re new to my information, if you’ve had enough of the pain of narcissistic abuse and toxic or disappointing relationships, then make sure to subscribe to my channel and press the notification button so that you are notified every time I do a new release. If my videos resonate with you, please make sure to like and share them.
The Narcissist Lies About You
Let’s look at the narcissist’s position in all of this. We’re going to talk about how the narcissist lies about you.
Narcissists are a False Self, which means a constructed image of who he or she would like to be. Somebody superior, or valid, untouchable, a cut above, deserving of specialized treatment. And of course, with impunity to any criticism whatsoever. The narcissist as a False Self is above reproach.
So, what happens is they suffer a terrible narcissistic injury if their perfect superior mirage of themselves is challenged because underneath this front is a shocking low self-esteem and a very fragile ego. The narcissist’s inner core is deeply damaged and they can’t stand anybody challenging their narrative about their constructed version of themselves and about life.
What this means is when there’s any threat to this version that they’re creating and trying to uphold, the narcissist will need to project, twist, and turn facts and blame you for pretty much everything. Anything that they are upset about is going to be somebody else’s fault. And of course, it’s often going to be your fault.
If you question something, then everything’s your fault. If you’re upset, you are not allowed to be upset. They’re now upset and it’s your fault. If the narcissist’s got something going on in their own life, that’s negative, even if it’s got nothing to do with you, well, then they will still blame you and bring you into it.
This is especially true with Covert narcissists who are the victim type. They’re always on about how they would’ve been superior and they would’ve been amazing but it was always somebody else’s fault that held them back in their life. So this is what happens with a narcissist – it’s YOUR fault.
To keep this projection going they do this blame shifting, which is a buffer, and it’s relieving the narcissist of their narcissistic injury of admitting that there’s something defective within themselves. They don’t want to admit that there’s anything about themselves that needs attention or healing or development or adjustment or growth.
The narcissist not only blames you to your face, but they will do the silent treatment or something like that to blame you for you bringing anything up to them that’s going wrong in their life.
The narcissist is also about smearing you to other people. So they’re going to tell their work colleagues about the terrible things that you do to them. They will smear you to their family and maybe even members of your own family and people in your friendship and colleague circles who believe in you and who respect you because the narcissist cannot bear seeing you in healthy relationships.
If you have relationships with people who like you and love you and respect you, well, then it’s a threat to their narrative that you are the sick defective and abusive one. This is what makes the narcissist feel even more justified to defame you and discredit you because they’re right and these people must be wrong about you because you are the wrong one.
I know, as normal people who just don’t think this way, you find it horrifying. That it’s a total lack of loyalty that people who you have relationships with, people who are supposed to love and care about you could even behave in this way. It’s so disloyal. It’s such a betrayal for people to smear you and even come up with these ridiculous perceptions of you that are not the truth.
The Narcissist Is Not Loyal To You
This is what you need to know, the narcissist doesn’t have loyalty towards you. You’re not a flesh, blood and bone autonomous being. There is only one being that the narcissist is having a love affair and a loyalty with. That’s with the False Self, which is their internal ego structure, which demands obedience and compliance and is necessary for the narcissist to serve. It’s the one true master to keep the facade going.
That’s to the exclusion of the damage of everything around it, including yourself. The narcissist has decided you don’t deserve respect and care because you are merely a prop. You’re a tool to serve the False Self. Not only are you a threat to the False Self, simply because you’re not always going to agree with it. You’re also a target. You’re a dump master to blame for the narcissist’s failures and their bad feelings. Because when the false self cannot maintain the mirage of superiority and perfection and omnipotence, the False Self suffers a crack. This actually happens regularly because the reality that it’s trying to live by is very delusional, it’s flaky, it’s flimsy, and it cracks regularly.
So, when things don’t perfectly fall into place with the unrealistic, immature and insecure expectations of the False Self, the narcissist is going to turn on you and blame you and smear you. A narcissist will not talk nicely about you, yet you may hear at times that they’ve told other people how wonderful or fantastic you are at something, but yet they never say it to you and it’s very hurtful. What is that about?
What that is about is them bragging about your accomplishments to other people because it’s lending them superiority or notoriety or acclaim or prestige, or the narcissistic supply of people thinking what a wonderful partner or family member they are because they’re speaking so highly of you. But really, a lot of the time, them speaking badly about you to other people is them getting attention, favours and allegiance by telling people what you are doing to them is abusive or wrong or hurtful to them.
If you have blown up at a narcissist or done a “serious misdemeanour” to them in their own eyes … And let’s face it, under the pressure of narcissistic abuse, sometimes we do retaliate with words or actions that are pretty horrible, because we’ve been driven to the brink by these people. Then, and this happens all the time, the narcissist is going to wear what you did to them as a badge. And they’re a long time sufferer about it and they hold it like, “I have this over you,” to parade to others what you did and guilt you about it. They use it as a justification for their abuse to you.
I know with somebody dear to me in my life that their narcissistic partner treated her horribly for years. Then she ended up having just an emotional relationship with somebody. She didn’t play out, but she confessed that she had feelings and he held that against her as an infidelity for decades and she suffered horrible guilt and abuse with all of that and it hooked her in.
Of course, narcissists refuse to take responsibility for the untold ghastly things that they’ve been putting you through for years. The truth is they have no concept of this, because again, you are not a blood flesh, real human being. You’re a tool for their supply. So you simply don’t matter. That’s the narcissist’s side of things.
You Lie About The Narcissist
Let’s have a look at your lies about them – which is what we all did.
Cognitive dissonance is a real thing within narcissistic abuse. You’ve probably heard the word, because until we get some sanity and power inside and we start honouring our Soul and aligning with that, we are trauma bonded to narcissists.
So really what does that mean? It means no matter how many arrows the narcissist shoots into you, you keep trying to hug them and love them and fix things. You may feel like you still love this person, and you can’t live without them, and you’re going to die if you can’t make it work with them. I know, I felt the same as well. This always comes back to four essential ingredients that we believe that this person is our source of – love, approval, security, and survival.
If we went through childhoods where we lived with codependent and/or narcissistic parents, we didn’t have it modelled to us how to be a healthy source to ourselves. So we danced around other people’s wounds without them taking responsibility for their wounds.
Rather, we learned to try to be safe and love to … go along, to get along. We didn’t know how to create boundaries. We didn’t know how to anchor into our values and say NO to unhealthy behaviour. Of course, as children we were powerless to do that, but as adults we do have the power. We can heal and develop that. So what we’ve done unconsciously is take on people pleasing and trying to fix other people so that they will love us and approve of us and look after our security and survival needs.
Really, we’re kind of still like those children in an adult body, still trying to earn love and safety without realizing that we’ve been doing that, despite our Soul screaming at us, “You’re being abused and you’re losing more and more and more pieces of yourself.” We cling on.
This is the part where we lie in order to cling on and stay. We have to make excuses. We tell ourselves stories such as, “This person deserves my allegiance and help because he or she had such a terrible childhood.” We tell ourselves love can conquer everything. That families must stick together no matter what, if the narcissist is a family member. That people in authority know more than we do, if we are being abused by authority and that we should acquiesce and trust them. The list goes on and on and on and on.
We may even be so abused and trauma bonded and projected onto by the lies that the narcissist keeps telling us, that we start to believe that we are the bad one. We’re defective, we’re guilty, we’re wrong. And maybe even, “I’m such a bad person. I deserve to be punished.” Maybe we believe that we are the problem, that the narcissist is right, and we are the one who needs help.
Whatever our reasons are for staying attached to these people abusing us – we keep lying to ourselves. How do we know that these are lies? Because things get worse. They don’t get better. They get worse. Our Soul keeps screaming at us and that’s in stark contrast to the truth if we were to align with the truth, because the truth doesn’t do these things. The truth, when we accept it and get on board with it, always brings solidness and power and solutions and starts setting us free.
Not only this, we start telling these lies to others who are observing our decline or that we are pulling away from community and society. Or maybe some people have actually seen the treatment by the narcissist that happened in front of them. Or maybe in desperation, we do reach out and we tell people what’s happening to us, because it is so terrible, yet then in the next breath, we make excuses as to why we’re going to stay. And we vehemently justify our reasons for doing this.
I know you’ve done this because I did it too. Or perhaps people in your life sounded the alarm about the person to you, maybe they did it right at the start, or maybe as the relationship progressed, they spoke up. Maybe they never liked the narcissist. Maybe they saw through them and they didn’t trust them and they were honest enough to tell you. Maybe you even had people from this person’s past warn you and you dismissed them and you refused to look into these things because they threatened the reality that you wanted to believe in. So we hold up the lies.
How Do We Stop Lying To Ourselves And Others?
What is this about? I’ll tell you straight up what it’s about. We have unhealed traumatized beliefs around love and relationships, which is traumas that are unhealed. We bring them in from childhood and even beyond and we can even inherit them genetically, but they’re unhealed and they’re still there. They can be things like, “The people I love betray me, invalidate me, leave me, hurt me, annihilate me.” That’s your Love Code. These are the people who we unconsciously gravitate to and we cling to, because they’re the Love Code match and our subconscious is so powerful.
By the time we’re around 30 years of age, people like Bruce Lipton actually believe that around 90 to 95% of our life is happening beneath the level of conscious recognition like it’s on autopilot. So, we are being steered emotionally through attraction forces to enmesh powerfully with the people who match our Love Code.
What happens is, this subconscious program, which is running 90 to 95% of our feelings, our thoughts, our choices, who and what we do get with, that only leaves a tiny five or 10%, which is what we logically think. The brain follows the body because it’s an almighty force. We come up with the reasons and the ideas in our brain to defend why we’re in the cognitive dissonance, why we’re making excuses for staying connected to things that hurt us.
I don’t know if you can recall convincing others about why you need to be with this person, why they really do have the potential to be good. They really do love you. They are getting better. They’re making an effort … But if you’re really honest with yourself, you know when you’re staunchly defending this person, you’re really trying to convince yourself and deep down you know it isn’t the truth.
Another way that we can be in the lie is trying to model loyalty to the person hurting you, righteously hoping that they’re going to feel guilty about the smearing of you and the mistrust of you and the terrible treatment. You lecture and prescribe to this person, how you have their back, how you speak nicely about them, how you never put them down to other people, because they’re doing it to you and you’re trying to get them to learn how to behave.
Maybe you are lying to their boss and their family and even their kids about their irresponsibility. Why they didn’t turn up, why they don’t care. You cover up their drinking problems, their gambling, their money mismanagement. Maybe you’re paying the fines. You’re doing all the heavy lifting. You’re holding things together so that you don’t have other people thinking that your relationship and your life is a mess – so that you can keep up a charade that your life is great. And it’s a lie.
In Conclusion
So here it is in conclusion – a life with a False Self is a lie. It can only be maintained through lies. The narcissist lies about you as a projection of their disordered personality to maintain their delusional, fictitious self. The lies to yourself and others that go against your Soul Truth and what would be healthy for you – which is leaving and healing your inner Love Code and developing your solid self love and Inner Being so that you can generate healthy relationships and say no to those who aren’t healthy for you. That’s the lying that you’ve been doing.
Only the truth will set you free, which means coming out of the trance. The narcissist is not going to stop lying and never will. There will never be a time in a narcissist’s life where they will acknowledge the truth about you, that you did care, that you did want to love them and you are loyal. As far as the narcissist is concerned, you’re the enemy. You’re going to be the enemy today, tomorrow, next week, next month, and in 30 year’s time. That’s not going to change.
Only you can know the truth about you and you have to accept the truth about them. The truth sets you free because when you accept it, seek it and align with it, then your life can break free and start being healthy. This means letting go and healing the parts of you attached to trying to fix the narcissist and rather turning inside to heal yourself. That’s what is going to create the change.
I hope that this has made sense to you. It’s given you a lot of food for thought, and I’m going to put up a link with this video, which can connect you to my free webinar, to really investigate this further – how to unravel the lies, how to align with the truth, and start honouring and healing yourself beyond all of this.
So check out the show notes and come in and experience a Quanta Freedom Healing, which will help you release yourself from the lies and fill you with truth and power and clarity.
This is a well thought out and fantastic piece of writing.
Thank you Melanie for all of your hard and smart work.
With much appreciation for your generosity, Sue
Hi Sue,
thank you for your lovely words.
It’s my pleasure Dear Lady!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Sue,
your comment is very sweet!
I appreciate your support
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie!
Getting blamed for anything and everything or whatever and having to “explain” the narcissists behavior to others both in business and in the community I found myself compromised constantly! The narcissist had and has a pretty big mouth and would say things that were offensive at times to just about anyone within listening range…about me in particular or others as well…
When I was “explaining” to others that were offended by her BIG MOUTH I ended up lying about the narcissist, thinking, stupidly, that I needed to save her ass. I would come up with various excuses and non truths to tell others..looking back I don’t think most of the people that I tried explaining to them her behavior believed me anyway. I know for certain some of them for sure did not believe me or want to hear me make excuses for her…🥺
So, that went on it seemed like year after year after year. It was pretty exhausting and I know that I was not being truthful within myself when I “came to her rescue”. 🙏I don’t think that I will ever do that again.🙏
I’ve learned a lot in NARP although I can’t always practice everything I’m guided to practice. I know I’m getting better and I know that I’m getting stronger and I’m not going to let this narcissists lies affect me the way they used to.
This article, particularly, gave me a lot of reaffirmation, Melanie, and belief that I am growing within, now, more than ever. Thank you so much for this today!
This whole thing is such a process. I am grateful that each time I get a chance to listen to you or read your articles I understand a little more and I also understand better, which is so important, that I am doing the right thing or at least I am trying my best to do the right thing.
Thank you so much, Melanie! Lots of love and thank you so much for your consistently kind words to me and others! ❤️🦋❤️
I’m really glad Peter that this article validated you!
Much Love to you too
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Oh my goodness. So many spot on sentences and ah ha moments in this article. Lived with the narcissist for 24+ years. He came from a covert incestuous, narcissistic mother and an overt abusive narcissistic father – his sister became a therapist (and another narcissist) – imagine that! The most enmeshed screwed up family one could imagine – and yes, I was hell bent on ‘loving it out” of him of them. Oh it seemed to work for a while. Then it wouldn’t. His family was the enemy when I met him, slowly I felt I made progress, they acknowledged much. Then, my child became a teenager, unfiltered, clear minded and started pushing back. Saw the mask. He blew up, was removed from our home, his family turned on us and I went through 3 years of hell with a divorce (that I didn’t want). It’s been 5 years since he left, I still struggle, however, your articles pull me back to reality. I was a champion for our family. I just wanted normal. It is IMPOSSIBLE with these people, utterly IMPOSSIBLE. He went through a lot as a child-I thought I could help him, show him. I feel sorry for him, I still miss him, I feel love for him and have a fantasy for his healing. I can only pray that he is somehow healed and I continue to ‘see’. Thank you so much Melanie – you are a god send.
Hi DMS,
it is impossible to heal disordered people and structures.
It’s only possible to heal and create a new world for ourselves.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Melanie. This one really hit home. After years of lying to myself I was being sucked into the black hole of a cognitive dissonance I had never known. I was so confused by the narcs behavior that even when the narc took fotos of me in unbecoming situations or distress, it didn’t sink in. Now I know it was done support the narrative. This person cared nothing about me except to use the fotos to support whatever narrative the narc needed for their agenda. Also I learned this–any person whom you love who purposefully opens earlier wounds in you is a dark soul and not worthy of your love and trust. Making excuses to yourself and others about the narc feeds the cognitive dissonance, (growing from the lies you are told) which will ultimately cause you to lose grasp of your sanity. You do not need to go there to heal any of your own inner wounds. Know and heal thyself in the company of people who are solid.
Thank you Melanie for an outstanding piece of writing that speaks to the very core of what happened to me. For a long time I was in pure disbelief but I left 6 months ago and now I’m starting to realize the truth of it all. I never understood the lies and I just went along with it and covered up for him sometimes. These people are a long slow death to those around them. They don’t care about anyone but themselves and yet they pretend to be overly sensitive towards everyone’s feelings. Everything you said resonated with me . Thank you for your outstanding enlightening work.
Wow. “A long slow death to those around them.” That really hit home. Absolutely nails it, equally with the fraudulent performance of being “overly sensitive towards everyone’s feelings.” Hold the Oscars, please. Sadly, my children are locked in the home with the narcissist (I am locked out). I can’t do anything at this point to protect them as the narcissist has alienated them from me. Melanie’s NARP program has literally kept me from losing my mind. So much gratitude for it. Hang in there, everybody!
It’s my pleasure Janet,
thank you for support!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I absolutely loved this! It’s exactly what my husband has done. My soul is screaming! If people knew how he treated me in private, they’d be shocked. My family has cut me off because he is a dotting husband in front of them. His family has cut me off because of his “smear campaign”. I’ve been isolated, but yet my soul is screaming. We are going to therapy and he lies there. I leave therapy thinking, “WTFH!” It is so disheartening. He hates his job, I get treated poorly. Someone didn’t put their blinker on an all hell breaks loose. A life full of anxiety and fear. Goes against every fiber of my being. These videos have shown me my weaknesses and evaporated the lies I’ve been told, heard, and know are a lie.,Thank you for inspiring the power within me to know better so I can reconnect to my True Self!
I’m so pleased that this spoke to you Rae,
and can help!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This. Wow, this…this is absolutely amazing. Just straight up Melanie lays it all out bare for you to read, feel, integrate, feel (again) and perhaps even shed a tear at the reality of it. The depth of its truth (ABOUT the truth!) is serious and profound. Melanie launches a rocket ship to the stars with this one.
There was somebody who tried to throw rocks at Melanie a blog post or two ago, with people here coming to her rescue (like she really needed it!) saying, “no, foolish rock-throwing poster, you are mistaken, Melanie has helped me, so what you say simply cannot be true.” And it simply “fizzled out,” just like that. Just like it deserved to. It did get a bit of (unneeded) defense, but what you’ll notice (except for me bringing it up to highlight this point), it got zero traction. None. Nobody supported it, because it was hollow, empty. What I’m learning here is “that’s how this stuff works.”
My family (ironically, since it is rife with narcissists) has a saying, “You can’t beat the truth.” Truth really does end up winning in the end, even as narcs (and those who support them, sometimes, even US!) hide behind this saying as if it’s a shield of protection. Maybe we need to update it: “You can’t beat the REAL truth.” There’s plenty of “phony truth” in the world of narcissists. In fact, they are drowning in it.
You know what, everybody? If this single post affects not even a single other person as deeply as it (positively, amazingly) affected me, with it’s hard-hitting truth(s) (about TRUTH!), Melanie is not simply a truth-telling winner, she’s a superstar. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Mel; this has really helped.
The narcissist will pull out the big guns. Because I’m now treating my narcissistic stepson the way he deserves to be treated (i.e. I don’t smile and try to make nice any longer, did that for years and just got crapped on), he’s telling his mother he can’t visit us any more (he has a little boy my wife adores). His brother is the complete opposite of him, by the way, and we get along really well. The dirty fighting, the using others (including children) as emotional hostages, the gaslighting is appalling. Melanie, you’ve been such a light in this horrible darkness, I can’t thank you enough.
Hi Richard,
I’m thrilled that I can help you through this!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Absolutely BRILLIANT Melanie! I don’t know how you keep coming up with such excellent material. Your commitment and passion in service of others is extraordinary.
I’m relatively new to NARP (after watching your videos for about 6 months) and just loving it! The emotional and psychological relief I felt from the first healing was profound.
Through your work I discovered that I was trauma bonded with narcissism from a very early age. I intrinsically rejected every narcissist that entered my life, whilst always believing I was deeply flawed. Through NARP I have discovered that in truth I was deeply wounded, rather than flawed, and the healing continues. Thank you!
A quick note about the lies:
As a child, I was horrified when I was manipulated into being a co-conspirator in a ‘crime’ by my younger 5 year old sibling. I knew what we had done was wrong. I knew that I was lying to cover the actions of another, but I was incapable of any other action. From that moment I was terrorized and persecuted mercilessly by my younger sibling, yet no one around me stopped the attacks. I learned from this to shun the support of others and became determined to always look out for my own best interests.
You would think – at least I did – that this would safeguard me from abuse by others, and yet my life from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood was fraught with dysfunctional relationships in all areas of my life, with unhealthy, toxic people. I learned No Contact as a defence and survival mechanism, and many of these people were shunned, but this just left me more and more isolated over the years. It seemed there was no one in this life that I could trust.
And then I learned what the underlying problem was in my life – that I had been raised in a vipers nest with a narcissistic sibling. And just as I had begun to heal from the symptoms of PTSD and severely compromised lack of self-confidence after years of narcissistic abuse, the kindest and sweetest and most gentle (covert narcissist) turns up in my life! I thought I was well-versed with narcissism, but I knew nothing of covert narcissism! Oh, does the Universe have a sense of humour or what!! This person brought me to my knees and that is when I discovered that the healing has to be on a deeper quantum level.
But the point I’m trying to get to, is this: this is the only other person for whom I have lied, and again, I knew at the time that it was wrong, but what could I do. I was compromised for a second time, co-opted into validating reality for another.
Yes, I too am enormously grateful for your work, Melanie, as so many in the NARP community are! I have come to understand the mysterious ‘battle between light and dark’ as I begin to retrieve and reintegrate my soul, and I know that the future is bright beyond my wildest expectations. Thank you, for your generosity of spirit and unwaivering commitment to be of service.
Hi Karena,
thank you for your lovely words!
It’s channelled truly. I feel so blessed to be able to open up and take “dictation”.
I love that you are awakening, healing and taking your power back through all of this.
And I ADORE that you know your future is so bright!
Many continued love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is great ! Your words seem to always resonate with conversations that I have myself while I am healing.
Thank you for your brilliant, wise, and precise insight! Only someone who has been through this can understand. I just went through an ordeal with my narcissist ex who text bombed me the other day. He was blameshifting, gaslighting and projecting a mistake that he made months ago onto me. Even though it was only text messaging, and I knew it was all insane, it still triggered PTSD-like fight-or-flight anxiety. Your article could not have come at a better time. Thanks again for all that you do!
This video spoke to me deeply. Thank you!
I remember, I used to say to myself, “I know this relationship is abusive, but I’m never going to leave it because I believe it can get better.”
It’s not that I didn’t know what was happening, it’s that I didn’t want to believe someone I cared for could be so cruel.
I was trying so hard to convince myself that I could make it work through sheer force of will. But that was never going to happen.
You are helping me heal and I am so grateful.
Hi DD,
you are very welcome.
I’m so pleased I am able to help.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is a great topic. I must have been programmed in childhood with parents that were distant and demanded that us kids please them. I learned to survive in that type of environment and unfortunately gravitated to these types of relationships later in life. I will say that doing quantum freedom healing is soo helpful and I am making progress. This video brings home a simple truth- that as people in relationships with narcissists- we lie to be able to withstand these relationships. We do lie to ourselves. I am currently aware of the red flags and the narcissistic people are obvious to me now. Unfortunately they infiltrated into my work life and personal life. Both areas. So how do we untangle from them, when they have so much say in our job situations? Or they become so erratic when you mention leaving that you get a gut feeling they are going to do something violent if you go? I am not above living in a shelter and doing whatever I need to in order to disentangle, but was trying to make a smoother transition. any thoughts? Does everyone have to hit rock bottom just to get the narcissists outta of their lives?
Hi Molly,
it’s terribly scary I know, yet I promise you that when you honor your soul and you take the leap, then Creation and your Soul combined do present alternatives …
Real people and situations that match the self-honor path you have now taken.
That is the SOUL test and graduation required to take back your life and soul from narcissistic patterns. The knowing they are NOT our True Source.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Very Powerful Truth here for the facing. Thank you so much Melanie for a beautiful explanation.
Truth is pure healing medicine for our souls. I pray it will encourage many to become willing to face the facts squarely and take heart to confront the falsities within. Truth calls us even to challenge the tendencies to convince ourselves that ‘it is charitable’ to forgive again and again. In baseball they get three strikes, that’s not a bad place to start. Sometimes, one strike is enough.
The self-deception is the hardest to give up. Is it right or wrong to forgive? If we can not trust what we thought was our heart, or our values, who and what can we trust?
But our values were right and they are right. Second guessing ourselves in this regard just brings confusion.
It was right to trust, to expect kindness, to expect honesty etc. It was even right to extend forgiveness and mercy and grace. The values are not wrong. We were right about those.
But after meeting Narcs that play on our good intention and kindness, we learn that mercy is for the merciful, and that the Laws that govern Life can not be mocked. We become wiser as when to extend second chances and learn to rather err on the side of self preservation than self deception.
The battle is within us – to let go of the pain of living a lie. We must see and agree with the higher dimensions of the Law of Life that will ultimately annihilate everything unlike Itself. We must agree with the LAW that declares evil as Evil. That anything that does not promote or preserve Life must be dis-allowed. We must let go of our delusions that somehow Evil can turn into Good with ‘time’.
The sharp sword of Wisdom helps us excise the lies sown in our hearts by the Narcs and by our false reasoning. The moment we are willing to see Truth, we begin our ascent to see a higher dimension of Life. The battle is over. The battle was for our faith, not about the Narc at all.
We emerge with clarity and strength we didn’t have before and conclude that it was a good fight.
Hi Iris,
truth is the Good Fight indeed.
Love you and always love reading and soaking up your comments here!
They are priceless!
Love and blessings Dear Sister
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Gosh, Iris, I’m going to tune into this blog more often to read YOUR posts here. Melanie’s posts are awesome, but you’re pretty good at “sharing the wisdom” yourself!
Truth is a powerful salve to heal our wounds.
Man from California,
I agree!
Iris is an angel incarnate.
Beautiful, wise, powerful and poignant – all in one!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
IRIS.
Your comments are always note worthy of praise.
Faith is the VICTORY 🙏
Much Love to you and God bless you
My goodness, Melanie, you put every description of everything I know and feel, but can’t explain, on paper. All I have to do is pull up your site if I am trying to explain the crazy events that took place, or why I stayed so long in an abusive relationship, or the emotion I was feeling at the time of abuse. My vocabulary on mental health and personality “disorders” probably consisted of maybe 10-15 words…. Until I had already married a man who, it turned out, I didn’t know who he really was. Since I have separated from him I went through the 16 day program and received each email, but need more time that that to truly digest all of it and work through the emotions of it all. I think the 1st time I ran across your site, I quickly found myself in tears, reliving a memory that I had no recollection of until that moment. You told us to think back and try to remember the last time we felt truly, unconditionally loved. No judgement, no abuse, no worries that anyone could or would ever want to hurt me… The last time I felt cherished. It was me, at around 4 or 5 years old, reciting the pledge of allegiance and the Lord’s prayer in my nightgown with a huge grin, standing at attention, in front of my grandmother and grandfather before jumping in between them to go to sleep for the night. They were the last people to love me unconditionally. My parents left my brother and I with them when I was about 9 months old to 5-ish, when my mother came back and got custody of us. Anyway, I had been in therapy for over a year and I just couldn’t connect to my “inner child”. I don’t really do well with children so I really did not have any comforting words to tell my inner child, lol. But this little girl was different than the angry brat I had been trying to connect with… When I saw the look on her smiling and proud face, and the looks and smiles from ear to ear in her grandparents faces, I was immediately overwhelmed with happiness, tears, comfort and hugs and all the love I could give that little girl!! I haven’t had a problem nurturing my inner being since!
But, what I really wanted to say was that now that the 16 days of emails are over, I receive an email or 2 every other day or twice a week. EVERY SINGLE TIME I have received and email from you, the topic is something that I JUST was talking about and going through on the SAME day I received the email(s). This has happened on 4 or 5 separate occasions and the topics were EXACTLY what I was dealing with on those days the emails came! So, I really, honestly googled last night “Can Melanie Tonia Evans hear what I am saying through my phone in order to target the audience?”….. I swear I did! That is how directly on point the emails I got were to that days issues I was up against with my soon to be X-Sociopath (with strong narcissistic tendencies). One day it was about law suits and that day I had to make an appointment with my lawyer about my X. This email was about the lies that they, and we, tell – JUST found out that day my STBX (don’t to be x) has been seeing 2 different women since we separated (maybe more), but has told me he was not seeing anyone and was liking being single and working on his issues before he could think about being with me or anyone again! 🤦🏼♀️ There was another day, that I did not know what gaslighting and cognitive dissonance was, and I had JUST found out what they were and watched the movie “Gaslight”, and guess what your email was that night…. Yep – gaslighting and “believing that what you think happened DID happen, and it happened exactly the way you think it happened”. My STBX had me thinking I was going crazy. I was questioning government documents because he would say things like “idk why it says that, it shouldn’t” or “I’m not sure what that means” or “idk why that’s in there because it shouldn’t say that…” And I believed him because he was my husband…. Why would he like to me? Hmph. Well 15 months, many physically abusive situations, and one mental breakdown later, I am still out of work on disability because of all the trauma he bestowed on me… I want to be one a speaker like you have. To bring mental health and awareness to the front and center of everyone’s face because no one taught me the signs of a toxic relationship or person and what the red flags were etc… I have a college education and thought honestly that “real” psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists we’re few and far between and there were only a few cases of these people and they were the serial killers and suicide bombers or murdering stalkers etc we see on TV. I never thought I would run into one, much less MARRY one. Every detail of my husband’s life that he told me was a lie. From how many marriages he had, his military career, his children were not his real children and the one that was his real child, the mother wasn’t actually the real mother!! I found a different ss# (lucky that was actually a typo, I hired a PI), he purchased a home using his VA loan for his X wife when they were NOT married and he was marrying me 20 days later, and had the guts to retain a realtor and go house hunting with me – his idea to “use his VA loan” move out of my house!! He lied about his retirement and disability checks, about his alimony to his X, and had bank accounts with her I didn’t know about. Ugh The list goes on and on with him… I had no clue. And I am one of the most honest people you will meet, to a point that I will (I do not like it) hurt someone’s feelings in a tactful way of course, just so I don’t have to lie! And this man was the polar opposite. Everything to this day that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I don’t understand how he could just watch me make myself sick over “trying to figure his paperwork out” “or trying fix his accounts” etc. So sick that my mind would not come out of that fight or flight mode, and it completely 100% just scrambled and wouldn’t let anything come out right. He continued to lie to me so long that when I did find out the truths he would deny it until his deathbed. He watched me have to go on short term disability and now limited long term. I’ve lost a very good paying job and half of my salary, and I am just waiting to get better and I’m trying to recover from him. He almost killed me by taking away my sanity…he physically abused me, verbally and emotionally too. My entire reality as I was living it, was a lie. The future I had planned on my head could never exist. It was all imaginary… Because it was all built on a lie. And I am extremely trauma bonded and I was having a very difficult time letting him go. I was waiting. Waiting for something to save us from a divorce. I know he’s a terrible person but I just had hope still for some reason. And then I found out about the other women and his flat out lies he had told me continuously and so reassuringly to me. The hope he gave me… And then, here your email came – incredible that the topic was about lying… It has been almost surreal that I get your emails while I’m lying in bed at night, after the day is done and whatever it is has gone on, and the email ends up being exactly what I went through THAT same day. Someone wants me to hear your messages and take notes apparently!! So thank you so so much for telling the world how I feel when I don’t know the right words to express my feelings. Thank you again…! #survivornotvictim ❤️💪🏻
Omg hi… this is how it feels whenever I think about her. She went through all the motions like I abused her, it was like a nightmare, still feels like a bad dream some days. My life stopped, the confusion and pain took over and I couldn’t function anymore. She promised everything I ever wanted only to use it all against me. She said all the ways I used to give her strength was me being weak, following her like a puppy.. she couldn’t feed herself or pretended like she couldn’t… I doubt any of it www real now… she lied and lived so much behind my back.. she swore up and down in writing even never to ghost and act this way… the. She was worse, she went so far out of he way to to keep me dangling and make me look crazy. She neve left the house we spent every day together then she was just gone and dying crazy things I couldn’t take it… she is evil and has no soul or conscious it’s all self severing, even their most seemingly sincere things, they don’t care about anyone not even their best friends, family, and boyfriends they aren’t even human to people like her..: it’s sick to think I loved her so much, believed her stupid lies for so long why..
This is like my life
So many typos! 🤦🏼♀️
Thank you Melanie.You work so hard to help us all.xxx
It’s my pleasure Shelly,
absolutely!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
How do you know when you are standing in your truth and ready to confront the smearing lies of the narcissist in a situation where you must, like when protecting very young children from more abuse related to a custody battle? How do I best prepare myself? I am in the thick of a battle now and must craft my response to serious lies by Monday in writing and want to find my best grounding for this but am confused weather or not if I should use my anger organically, or, try accept the emotions as valid but release them in module 3 before I do anything, or just retreat, hide under a rock and not do anything because I feel, naturally, triggered and angry that the narc seems to have so much power over others in position to decide custody. I have gotten good at confronting and releasing those emotions and forgiving and much beauty has come into my life. I feel afraid that I have distanced myself from the conflict too far in order to protect myself and heal and so maybe have not taken enough proactive steps to make sure the facts were presented better so they could not be so easily ignored in favor of the narcs narrative. I should know what to do, and I have taken careful steps but am feeling doubt because my actions, careful words explaining the predicament, have been twisted around and used against me to a level that is astonishing. It seems impossible that the clear facts could be ignored so this must be an energetic conflict in that unseen level. That makes me feel afraid that my own fear for my daughter being harmed is actually causing the narc to be believed, through karma, the so-within-so without thing, and my attempts to get help just not working. I be fearing fear itself. Which one?: 1. Run hide and heal because my being triggered makes my actions more destructive, 2 embrace anger and fear and fight as best as I can to bring the truth in. 3. Embrace the anger and fear then release it completely before I write a word of my response. I know 3 sounds like a no-brainer but I get a lot of push towards 1. and 2 seems attractive because I have made so much progress and maybe I am ready to just respond organically. We are so lucky to have you, Mel!
Hi Doug,
it is great that you are working with NARP.
Please Doug go into the NARP member’s forum, where skilled and kind moderators can help you profusely with this – every step of the way http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
The key is to Release everything inside that hurts with the Modules …. of course when heavily triggered that can seem impossible – yet it is essential. You will get support in the member’s forum with how to achieve this, and then you will know how to show up – and this shift can happen very quickly!
If you have any trouble connecting in for any reason, email [email protected]
Please know how welcome you are!
Wishing you power and breakthrough …
Mel 🙏💞🦋
“What that is about is them bragging about your accomplishments to other people because it’s lending them superiority or notoriety or acclaim or prestige, or the narcissistic supply of people thinking what a wonderful partner or family member they are because they’re speaking so highly of you“
Wow THIS.
Worded so perfectly.
I deduced my ex was getting something from doing this AND telling me so. Also calling somewhere I visit regularly to buy me a voucher. “You won’t believe this but I’d like to buy my ex a gift for xxx”
The staf think he’s this amazing guy because if you’d do that for an Ex just think how he’d treat someone he was with?
I deduced him singing my praises to work colleagues were firing shots to me to keep my mouth shut as he was on a charm offensive for promotion and adornment by the ladies. Every opening or inch of my life he can enter he does, despite being separated for years now.
I haven’t healed fully. Sharing a child the games go on yrs later but I walked free, am the master of my own destiny and can brush these tricks off now rather than them crippling me as they once did.
Keep up the good work Melanie.
This is another blinder that will resonate with so many.
Sadie, I haven’t healed fully, either. We must all walk our paths, at our own pace, in our own ways.
Melanie’s light is so brilliant I can see it and feel it an ocean away. With her wisdom and guidance (and yes, my own hard work), I continue to grow. It is so nourishing to my soul that I never want to stop, I never want to feel (as I did earlier in my life, this got me into “narc-trouble,” I’m sure) as though I can simply “coast” and live life without growing. That isn’t life, it is stagnation.
I wish the best thriving to all who read and post here.
Truly inspiring! Whilst I was putting my lies together in the unbearable web, this article grants me a bit of validation. I am finding me finally. More than half of my life spent in suspense from me is hurtful enough, now I must follow through and forgive myself, move on, live my life. Thank you for all your time spent helping others. You have wonderful energy.
Hi Brain,
I am so pleased that this spoke to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋