Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Can’t I Stop Loving The Narcissist?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 5
67
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

It’s painful beyond measure.

When someone who treats us WORSE than we could imagine … who is threatening our very mental and emotional fibre and everything we stand for … and is being someone who we SHOULDN’T love …

Just happens to be THE person we can’t stop loving.

This happens with narcissists, so often that it is not just some random tale of painful mismatched love.

There is actually so much more to it.

This Thriver TV episode, I believe, is very necessary … because one of the deadliest (if not THE deadliest) hooks of narcissistic abuse is when we feel we can’t stop loving the person who is abusing us.

Because, that means we may never break away, and even if we do get away physically we could stay emotionally attached for years, decades or our entire life and never feel whole, free and happy again.

I used to think that was my LOT in Life too …

That was until I discovered the truth about WHAT this version of love really is, and how the love I had displaced into him and the terrible trauma of receiving the exact opposite, was my Higher Calling to find and heal what I had never found and healed previously.

(In fact I hadn’t even known about it!)

And when I was able to awaken, turn inwards and address this, there was NO more feelings of the horrible unrequited, traumatic love I had suffered whilst hanging on.

In fact, there was no feelings at all … except massive relief and the freedom to love myself, life and others in healthy ways.

Not only was this wonderful – it literally saved my life … and I know it can do the same for you. If you are still suffering from being unable to stop loving the narcissist, then this Thriver TV episode is definitely for you.

This topic is so close to my heart because I intimately know just how tormenting and heartbreaking it is to not be able to let go of the person who is hurting you, and I am very passionate about helping you break free from it.

I’d love to help support you further by answering your comments and questions that you post below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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67 Thoughts on Why Can’t I Stop Loving The Narcissist?
  • peace455@outlook.com'
    PHI
    June 15, 2017

    I wish I could afford your class. I was discarded by my narcissist and was without a home or income in December after 18 years together. I am on disability and recieve $490 a month which isn’t even enough to pay rent. I am now living at my elderly parents house. I am using this time to try to put myself back together.
    I did realize that I was behaving like a dog though. You know that dog that gets kicked and crawls back on it’s belly hoping that this time you will love it as much as it loves you? That was me.
    The mind games she played were devastating.
    I realised about two months into this process that I did nothing wrong. It wasn’t me, I am loveable and deserve to be loved and treated with respect.
    I have been meditating and slowly getting past the obsessive thoughts. I have peeled off all my layers and am acknowledging the things I need to heal inside myself.
    I still have these thoughts that she can be cured. That somewhere inside is the person that I loved but I know that I can’t fix her. I can only fix myself.
    I re,-focus my thoughts to myself and my healing, my goals, every time she pops into my head, which is constantly. I’m trying to reprogram myself.
    This person almost destroyed me and shows absolutely no remorse for anything.
    I have to remind myself every time I miss her that the person I was in love with doesn’t really exist.

    The only thing I can’t seem to get past is that she stole $20,000.00 from my parents.
    I’m having a real hard time with that.

    • genevievebraem@hotmail.com'
      Genevieve
      June 15, 2017

      keep being strong. I know it’s very harsh when you’re still under the influence and under the side effects of these monsters who haven’t got any feelings and who know everything. Sending lots of courage

      • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
        amanda bordenave
        June 15, 2017

        23 years of this of N abuse- I am working through these feelings of ” it wasn’t Love, was it? But now I am dealing with massive feelings of guilt- as I know the ending, particularly in regards to my children. Any advice on how to tackle this one , its BIG . Loving my mental freedom and want More. Thanks and good luck everyone!

    • Vanikabansal@gmail.com'
      Vb
      June 15, 2017

      Save up some money and buy the silver programme…it will be worth it…it’s A life saver!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Phi,

      Did you know there is the small monthly payment amount, or you can apply for assistance as a result of your situation – by emailing support@melanietoniaevans.com ?

      My heart goes out to you – and please know you are on the right track … to peel it back and heal it. I am so sorry you bear the burden that happened to your parents, but please know when you reprogram and heal from the inside out – you will come back bigger than better … and everyone, including your parents, will be okay.

      Sending you big hugs and blessings.

      Mel xo

      • peace455@outlook.com'
        PHI
        June 24, 2017

        Thank you Melanie

        I did as you suggested and have been using the modules in your NARP program and wow has my life changed for the better!
        I knew what I had to heal and you showed me how. It’s hard work but so worth it.
        I’m counting you as the biggest blessing in my life right now.
        Thank you thank you thank you!
        Pam H

        “If we can only remember what we are and what we can do, nobody can bind us or control us.”
        Charles de Lint, The Mystery of Grace

      • gerow222@hotmail.com'
        Sherry
        August 22, 2017

        I just caved after 7 months of no contact. I was proud of myself.
        I had actually allowed myself to have coffe with someone new, and it had gone well… a Saturday morning coffee that lasted for hours, with a new guy, and afterwards, exactly while doing a pragmatic green flag/red flag checklist…exactly while I was doing this.. I received a text from the Narc, asking to meet for drinks.
        I was so shocked…I caved immediately and spent a whirlwind 24 hours w him. I may regret it, but don’t right now. I got SOME closure. Our convos were actually quite frank. I had been telling him for a year ( out of 3) that our situation was sick, because we both are. I wasn’t discarded, I discarded. Cuz you cannot argue w your soul. He admitted to being weary, from multiple deadens online dating experiences, and craved to be w someone who both knew and cared about him. I told him that I get that, because I do. But also said that he can not give me what I. WHAT I.. needed, and so, as intimate, lovely, a time we had, I have moved on. I told him that. It was like we both admitted to being here to get our mutual fix. I felt some pity, I felt some relief, I felt some validation, and I felt some closure. I absolutely did not feel potential for a future. And I’m certain he will contact me again. But I also made my peace. Our first ending had been horrible. This was an ending that was tender and understanding. And accepting of reality on both sides. Narcs, like all classifications, fall on a bell curve.
        There are the horrible ones , who eat you, and the pathetic ones, whose motives and needs are obvious, but are surviving the only way they know how. Mine falls into the latter… he is older, and his magical thinking and delusional belief of infallibility, have betrayed him. He gets that he blew it w not only me, but w everything and everyone, but craves connection, knowing he cannot reciprocate. A little insight, this one has. And I told him, that I get that…but it was not enough for me. And so on that bittersweet note, we parted. And truly? I like this ending better. But an ending, it was.

    • jsteggert@hotmail.com'
      Jocelyn Steggert
      June 16, 2017

      Thank you Melanie for all the wisdom you impart and your passion for helping others recovering from narcissistic abuse; you are making a huge difference in people’s lives and have helped me immensely, although I’ve been delusional in trying not to believe that my “best” friend of 10 years is a true narcissist; I’ve had a difficult time thinking that I could have been duped for so long, but I realize I have been duped by an beautiful, deceptive, charming, master manipulator of a woman. I’ve led a charmed life, surrounded by loving and healthy friends and family; married 33 years and have 3 wonderful children. I have great health and energy, love my job as an RN specializing in detoxing alcoholics and drug addicts. I am eternally optimistic and joyful and grateful every day for all my gifts and blessings bestowed upon me. And despite it all, I fell under the spell of a cunning narcissist, who is only the 2nd person in my life for whom I ever felt “needy.” You could probably guess that the other person I was needy for was my mother, who was actually quite a good, kind but busy mom (I was #4 of 8 children in a two parent upper middle class home). I think my mother was unable to meet my emotional needs growing up, which I believe is strongly connected to my former relationship with my narcissist friend. I still miss her but your “Why Can’t I Stop Loving the Narcissist” was extremely helpful. Thank you so much!!

    • macdata3@gmail.com'
      d2
      June 17, 2017

      Hello Phi,

      If you haven’t taken advantage of Melanie’s offer of assistance yet, please know that resources on the blog alone are great to get you started until you start doing NARP.

      The articles https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-make-the-narcissist-powerless-to-affect-your-life/, https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-did-we-fall-for-a-narcissist-part1/, https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-did-we-fall-for-a-narcissist-part-2/, https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/disarming-the-narcissist-the-5-essential-steps-to-reclaiming-your-freedom/, and the video https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/conquering-the-terror-of-being-with-another-narcissist/, among many others, have been particularly helpful getting me started and may be helpful to you too while you sort yourself out.

      I haven’t even begun NARP yet, and this information has taught me to disengage and heal to the degree that the immediate abuse I’d been inundated with until I’d begun reading the blog regularly has mostly dissipated. (Lots of work to do still, though!)

      Nothing else has helped me work through my lifetime of horrible experiences better than this site, and the price of NARP beats the price of a useless therapy session hands down. So hang in there, sweetie. You’ll make it.

    • trueforeigner@gmail.com'
      True
      June 20, 2017

      Sorry to hear your story. At the same time I am so glad you have escaped and are now on a journey of recovery.

  • cressisan@yahoo.com'
    Lynn
    June 15, 2017

    Melanie…..GREAT video and topic. I would say this the number one thing that kept me staying so long in my marriage to the Narc. I am only a few months into my recovery and working the NARP program, but if I am honest, I struggle with this everyday. Despite the horrible things that were done, despite the verbal and financial abuse and even now despite how much the Narc spouse is trying to extract from me financially in the divorce settlement, I still love her. And I know that is not healthy love and it is pure addiction.
    Thank you Melanie for all that you do!
    Love,
    Lynn

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Lynn,

      I am glad you enjoyed it! It certainly was for so many people …

      Lynn are you in the NARP Forum asking for help from Thrivers how to work your NARP shifts to release that trauma?

      It will help you so much – as you are still struggling with it.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps, and please know when you get that Quanta Freedom Healing shift “tweak” going, you will break free from that torment.

      Much sooner rather than later.

      Mel xo

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    June 15, 2017

    Beautiful video, as always. I agree that what doesn’t generate good feelings is not love.

    • margarit72@aol.com'
      Jane M.
      June 15, 2017

      Mel,
      A follow up thought…
      How do you define love?

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 16, 2017

        Hi Jane,

        Thank you! I agree entirely.

        How do you define love?

        To me it is the ability to be and have Source flowing through you as you.

        Seeing yourself, life and others as Source would see them …

        And sharing that with another.

        Mel xo

        • margarit72@aol.com'
          Jane
          June 17, 2017

          Dear Mel,
          Would really appreciate a video or article on Source and the meaning of that because it’s so hard for me to connect to that concept.
          Other than that, I feel that part of your definition that means love is sharing something good that flows through you with others.

  • Karynchoate@gmail.com'
    Karyn Choate
    June 15, 2017

    Another great video Mel. I love the metaphor of loving someone who is unavailable as though they were in jail ~ I suppose that is really what it is. Thanks for addressing yet another timely subject and lighting the way!
    XOXO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Karyn,

      I am so glad you enjoyed this, you are so welcome … and thank you (as always) for your lovely words!

      Mel xo

  • genevievebraem@hotmail.com'
    Genevieve
    June 15, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    How much am I related with your video. After 20 years of abusive mariage I finally left him in november 2015.
    The big turn for me was 2015 where I got first an huge anxiety crisis at the office in March, been taken to hospital with huge pain under my left breast. All was ok and went back to work after 2 days. Followed by a double pulmonary embolism on 11/5/15 where the pervert narcissicist who didn’t work for 5 years and didn’t work on that day left me at emergency waiting room where I was sent by my doctor who knew I got a clot in each lung. The pervert left me and brought my daughter back home. I was admitted alone in ressuscitation room and they saved my life at the last minute. They called him he didn’t answer. In Nov he told me that he had to feed the kids (18 and 15 !!) ans that there was a nice tv program. He visited me in the ward 24h after. My friend visited me first ! Then he decided to take a contract (after having stopped working for 5 years pretending he was finishing a huge overbudgeted (by him) renovation)) at 3,000 kms from where we are living in Australia.
    I went back to work after 1 1/2 weeks but couldn’t cope work and children and house holding, I started anxiety and severe depression and when I was declared severe depression with suicidal ideation (next saturday 2 years ago) he refused to come back. I was purely overwhelmed, lost 13kgs in one month and couldn’t sleep more than 90 min a night. He refused to come back till my Gp threatened him of desertion of family. He came back for a long week-end during which he convinced me to change GP. I accepted and I landed in the hands of his doctor who is a pure money machine. They decide without my consent to put me in a respite house. It was the worst thing for me since it echoed my first mum who committed suicide when I was 3 years old and whom my father didn’t speak about. I’ve realised now that she committed suicide due to my father. FInally my ex put me in psychiatric ward for 1 month. He left his children alone without any family (we moved from Belgium to AUstralia (another isolation !!))) alone for 6 weeks, emptying my bank account (I gave him my password since one of my cousin was stuck without any money when his wife passed away, bank closed the account immediately and I was at risk of another embolism). I tried with 13 kgs less and 90 min sleep per night to come home every week-end and sometime more to help my teenagers. Finally I had to leave hospital and I requested him to come back. It was the worse I could have done. It was the beginning of the end of our mariage. He put me down all the time, unrespectful to me in front of the kids, finally we decide to sell this famous house he overbudgeted not only because I want to get rid of but because he didn’t refund the loan he told me he was busy with. He inherited a huge amount from his parents and told me that he put a part as an investment and the rest in the house. He pushed me to take a complementary loan but we couldn’t afford that without him working. I was the only breadwinner and I was purely treated like pure shit.
    Finally after 7 times ideas of suicide and sent to emergency, I split in front of the police and he became not only emotional, economical, social (isolation) but as well physically abusive. He bashed me in front of the kids when he realised that I took a lawyer and blocked half of the process of the house. I was on blood thinner but he bashed me black from the top to the bottom, was sent to hospital under police escort .

    I got photos done by police, and he might get a trial. I’m fine now even if he turned the children against me when he realised he might be at big risk of trial, my lawyer threatened him of restrain order. My daughter and my son were very much abusive to me (Mum you would be better to commit the same as your mum so that we will get rid of you or my son smashing the door to come back (6 stitches in his wrist….Mum do you think I will die ? a big 1m90 telling you that when he’s 19 years of age well it’s quite emotional).
    Anyway I lost my job in the ordeal, I’m fine now, have started new studies to become a care worker (later it will be nurse !) in 6 months and I’ve just started two new jobs begin of June 2017, just 2 years after the embolism and the beginning of the severe depression with suicidal ideation.

    Right now I will get the divorce by 27th June, I don’t want to see him or speak with him anymore. He wanted to destroy me from the beginning. I found out that he asked me my inheritance (my grandparents from my first mum) before my mariage pretending he will invest it but he invested only 5% and then he took us in AUstralia for a better life he said… well it was because he was in trouble with the fisc.
    I’m stronger that I ever thought, I’m on the other side of the bridge, I stood up, I spoke out. I’ve started a new life for myself in company of my two childen whom I’ve forgiven since they were the weapons of their father but who have now well understood.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Genevieve,

      that is great that you have separated, and there will be no more.

      I so believe that when we are continually being treated SO badly and life’s wake up calls to us get SO bad – “this person is NOT going to love you” – the hugest soul message we are going through is that we need to love ourselves first and foremost – as our template for our life and for the template for our children.

      We had all believed it was about “loving others” but the truth is we will never accept a level of love beneath the level of love and inner relationship of worthiness and love that we have for ourselves.

      Many people in this Community had not received a healthy love relationship with original role models to have that level of Inner Identity health. But as adults after discovering how bad it gets with people who don’t love us – it is time to heal those old wounds we sustained when young and change our lives from the inside out.

      Then I promise you we would not tolerate this kind of love ever again, and would not even be “attracted or “attractive” to it. And we certainly would not stay in it.

      Wishing you and your children Genevieve healing, and the true unfolding of your wonderful life.

      Mel xo

      • Jlmaples247@msn.com'
        Jess
        August 27, 2017

        Melanie, My mother is a N and I married 2 myself. One 19 yrs ,one 7 yrs. I’m raising a 5 and 6 yr old from the last one. How do you raise kids to love themselves? Obviously. I was not taught, and am struggling myself with still loving my N, and thinking it was me and my previous kids, we weren’t perfect, I could have done this or I should have tried that and he would have loved me and been different. Also he has a new GF after 8 months, and I’m fighting thoughts of how perfect he’ll be with her. She’ll get the guy I loved. The one from the beginning that showed up off and on.. Advice please

        Jess

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen
    June 15, 2017

    I must be a different case. The love I had for my ex narc grew cold more than a decade before the divorce. I stayed on trying to buffer the damage she was doing to our children. In time I lost my job and unemployment ran out. When that happened I was served by a police officer without warning that the ex filed for divorce.

    My problem is not letting go of the love, it is hatred, disgust, resentment and disappointment that were my big challenges. I feel like she stole 22 years of my life with lies, gaslighting and the never ending abuse. I tried my very best but it was never good enough and in the long run it didn’t do much good for my children anyway as she turned them against me and each other.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Stephen,

      this is all a HUGE and normal part of the healing of narcissistic abuse – truly.

      Have you checked out my free workshop regarding how to purge and be free of the torment of ANY negative emotions / emotional ongoing torments etc?

      It is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • m.t.mulder@erasmusmc.nl'
    monique
    June 15, 2017

    Hi,
    Great video,
    I recognize what you talk about from a relation I had when I was a student and one about 10 years later.
    Now I am in a relationship with someone for about 25 years, and my problem is that I do not know when it is “bad enough”.
    I guess my partner is something between a narcistic and an autistic personality. so, he is incapable with respect to the autistic share of his behavior.
    I know this is kind of a stupid question, but still it keeps bothering me.
    still have to do 3 of your sessions (working on 9 at the moment). May be that will help?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Monique,

      Firstly I would like to say – this means that there is still some unhealed parts within you which are assigning him to be “that for you” instead of healing enough to be “that for yourself”.

      That is okay that is a part of the healing journey.

      With the NARP Program – it is really important you keep working each Module through to a much greater completion (repeating each Module) and you circle back to previous Modules whenever a trigger comes up that relates to that Module. It is not a Course to do just one Module after the other -because that means you are not cleaning up all the beliefs and traumas that need to be cleaned up.

      This is explained in the instruction manual of NARP.

      Monique are you in the NARP Forum getting guidance with your Module work? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      That will help you a lot.

      Mel xo

  • Londellsenstock87@gmail.com'
    Lela Senstock
    June 15, 2017

    Love you Mel!!! I truly needed to hear this video..I. E needed you in my life. God bless you…thank you so much…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Lela,

      I am so pleased it was timely for you!

      Much love to you too 🙂

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • slb1967@hotmail.co.uk'
    SB
    June 15, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I cried watching this. I was brought up by a bi polar mother who was loving and kind when she was well but hurtful and mean when she was going through a rough patch. As a child i witnessed things kids shouldn’t see and felt the push/pull that the narcissist eventually started doing. You are right i think, that I just wanted to feel and believe everything my ex narcissist told me about being the love of his life, the only woman to change him (my heart still tells me it’s true, my brain tells me I’m an idiot)! You get whisked away on a high of feeling so loved at first then dropped to the ground so quickly, I still cry after a year apart, I just can’t believe the change in him. We had such a good laugh, both had a weird sense of humour and we laughed every day but at the same time he’d throw in critical remarks and flirt with other women and exs of which there were many but he had barely any male friends which I thought was odd. He compared me to exs and other women and couldn’t understand why I got upset, he said I was BPD, something he said all his exs were, they were all crazy yet he wouldn’t leave them alone and stalked most of them. He’d say weird stuff like ‘I’d never stalk you if we broke up’ We feel we still love them but we love the lie, we love the fairytale at the start and yearn for that to come back and it won’t with the narcissist. If we want a fairytale we need to find the right person but we do need to heal. I just feel empty inside 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi SB,

      My heart goes out to you.

      It is so painful when the trauma, longing and feelings of “love” continue. I had this so much too with N number 1 (as I talk about).

      Dear Lady please know it DOESN”T have to be like this! We can do the work on ourselves to heal what we are always going to have to one day if we want the pain and the pattern to stop in our life.

      Please get connected to my free resources, follow your nose and heart, dive in and get started

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      Because if you do relief is JUST around the corner.

      Enough is enough of the pain …

      Mel xo

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    Julia
    June 15, 2017

    Good one. I knew a couple months into the relationship that it wasn’t a healthy one. I tried to breakup but with him it was impossible to get rid of him. We got married. Four years later divorced. Got back together. Had a child but fortunately not married. Some years down the road some drama caused me to pursue calling the domestic abuse hotline. The person on the other end of the line listened to my story and said what I had always thought – to get rid of this person I needed to disappear – change my identity and start fresh. She said based on what I told her I would have no problem getting the Courts approval. This had been my gut feeling years before way back at the start of the relationship but I had gone to see therapists who advised against running (which was my first instinct! LOL).

  • poppyrosebeautytherapy@gmail.com'
    Michelle Hayes
    June 15, 2017

    Hello.I need some guidance please with an ex narcissist husband who wants shared care of our 7 year old son.He manipulates, lies, emotionally abuses(doesn’t let our son express himself emotionally) tells him to harden up and dont be a cry baby.He’s a hunter.It wouldn’t be a stable environment for our son to be with him that amount of time and at the young age.The ex could do so much psychological damage.Someone please help me! Michelle New Zealand. Thankyou.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Michelle,

      I would like to connect you to my resources which will help you be able to help you.

      First of all it is so imperative to be able to decipher what is going on and what we can do in it …. these are my free resources to help support you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage and also if you google my name + coparenting + children there are many resources to assist you.

      I hope this can help.

      Wishing you strength and healing for you and your son.

      Mel xo

  • milliemevans@gmail.com'
    Millie
    June 15, 2017

    I couldn’t be more in need of starting this programme now. I have gone round in circles since the end of my relationship with the narcissist, had numerous relapses and collapses back into his spell without even having any direct contact with him … and all because I’ve been scared to accept the whole truth and invest the time in healing myself. The stress and aftermath of what this relationship has done to me has only intensified as I’ve continued to choose ways of handling it that have brushed the harsh realities of it under the carpet! It is affecting all aspects of my life and I feel totally out of control every time I ask myself ‘are you still in love with him?’ And the answer is yes, IT’S YES!!! HOW?! And this video is already helping me to see it in a new light. It makes sense to me considering that what I feel for him wasn’t, isn’t and never will be true love, it is dangerous and unhealthy – love surely can’t be those things!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Millie.

      NARP certainly is the turning point when we start fast tracking our healing.

      When we DO turn inwards, let go and start – we wonder WHY it took this long.

      Because that is the beginning of the True Love we have looked for all our Life.

      Sending you the courage and strength do this …

      Mel xo

  • kerrykramer@me.com'
    Kerry Kramer
    June 16, 2017

    Spot on, as always! The metaphor of loving someone as though they are in jail is poignant … it’s exactly what it is. It’s exactly how I felt about my childhood, a jail sentence with no time off for good behavior. I can feel that emotion. Going within and doing the work around that wound is on my “to do list” today. Thank you for the timely video…. it’s so interesting how the universe works!! Your work is incredible!! Xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Kerry,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you – and you know what to target and heal.

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • favor_unltd@yahoo.com'
    Free2BMe
    June 16, 2017

    Wow! So timely. I reconize I keep holding onto my stbx because I remember the times in our 27 year marriage that I felt so loved and accepted “physically” by him, and struggle now to think of starting all over again. Feeling like no one will love me like he did. He has been so volatile in our divorce process that it shows me if there was still any question left exactly who he is, yet I still find myself wishing it could have been and that somehow maybe one day it still can be different. When I know that is not reality!!! Then I think how low must you think of yourself…or sick must you be to even imagine this?! But I think what keeps me in that place is somehow this desire and/or obligation that I am supposed to accept him. That I am the off one in the relationship. It was my fault because I didn’t have the capacity to just love him/us through this. I so desperately want to evolve past my assumed need for him. Your video helps me understand why I am still stuck. It’s not true love that I experienced from him and that I crave from him again. However I do crave True Love, but it’s an inside job…to cultivate within myself for myself. I won’t find it in him nor in any other man for that matter…fundamentally anyway.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Free2Bme

      With narcissistic abuse, there is usually some really strong glitches that keep us hooked in. We all have them – some beliefs, some unhealed parts that are repeating love pain that we experienced when we were much younger.

      I promise you so much, when you know how to identify them and release them, then it just no longer has ANY power over its and we are no longer hooked in.

      Then the struggle ceases. We break free. You just need to know HOW to release yourself.

      Please come into my free workshop – because there you will learn how. Your liberation truly is that close – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

    • tgolden007@yahoo.com'
      Ineedlove2
      June 20, 2017

      Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel the same. Been married 7 years with 1 child together. Keep holding on for the children and religious belief that he just needs love and prayer. I am tired of pretending to be happy for everyone else and using up every bit of my energy to keep this thing together when no one else is contributing. I’m suffocating.

  • Dmvbinder@yagoo.com'
    Daphne
    June 16, 2017

    Can you please do video on emotional abuse by a recovering addict?

  • Dmvbinder@yahoo.com'
    Daphne
    June 16, 2017

    Can you please post a video on emotional abuse by a narcissistic recovering addict? The XN uses his addiction as an excuse for all of his horrible behavior and nasty things he put me through. However, he’s in a court mandated recovery program and STILL acts the exact same way. I know he’ll never change. He’s constantly accusing me of things I have not done, manipulating me, and lying. I have gone no contact for almost 3 weeks now. I need to heal and move on but I’m still in such awe of the fact that this happened to me and I continued to take him back on his false promises for NINE years of my life. I need guidance on healing. I’ve started therapy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2017

      Hi Daphne,

      now you are granting more information this is actually a really valid topic and I will put it to the MTE team to discuss!

      As far as fast track healing and you finding a way to really stay away and get well – please come into my free workshop – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I promise you profound, hope, relief and solution is there for you.

      Mel xo

  • compelledbooks@gmail.com'
    Luna Saint Claire
    June 16, 2017

    Dear Melanie,
    You have been a cherished voice to me over the years. I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship with a male friend for many years. It wasn’t even a sexual relationship, yet it was just as obsessive and addictive as you describe. I was able to get away from him five years ago and wrote a novel (autobiographical fiction) about him and his entourage of women (myself included). Even when he reached out, I did NOT open the door. I trusted in my higher self, and my restored self-worth. The process of listening to your teachings, and the creative, cathartic process of writing, editing, and publishing the book over a period of three years was the cure I so desperately needed. I have written many guest blogs, and participated in forums over the past five years. I won’t use this comment section to say the name of the book – but I would be truly honored if you would read it. Thank you again for all the work you do in this world. You are a treasure. There is no one else who really gets it and touches so many lives with the compassion you do.

  • r.frangiosa@hotmail.com'
    Possum
    June 16, 2017

    Thank you Mel for your wonderful insight.   I cannot imagine what a revelation it must be for you to have found a truthful and authentic relationship with your partner.  It must feel like the radiant light, to the darkness that you endured with the two N’s.
     
    My feelings, (as with Stephen’s reply), are the polar opposite of love for the N;  in that I feel nothing but contempt, revulsion, despair, and sheer disbelief with his treatment of the children whilst in his care, and the fallout from this which I see in them.   I am trying  very hard to shift this with the NARP work, but I am a work in progress.  The difficulty is that it is constant cycle with the shared care, and that makes the inner shifting all that more critical.  The conduit to punish me is via the children.   The N only really revealed the monster inside to the full extent, after the discard.   The irony is that the full ferocity of the abuse has only been unleashed from this point onwards, and not during our relationship.   So it is a misconception when councillors say that you will be safe and on the road to recovery once you are separate from the N – so not true.

    The positive aspects of this learning journey, is that I have no concern or interest whatsoever in the N, and am now indifferent to the smear campaigns which have been raging not only behind the scenes whilst in our marriage, but also for the last 2 years after I reached my “used by date” and was discarded.  I just feel relief in the absolute knowing that I am not going to live out the rest of my life with the terminator, and am no longer living a life which was based on illusion, lies and dysfunction.  More importantly – I have intentionally remained single for the last 2 years so that I can focus on healing myself, and am reprograming my tendencies to ‘rescue’ men and end up with partners that exploit me.  It is self-preservation for me and my children, to reflect, learn, heal, grow and start our new lives, to ensure that we never return to that awful place.

    The difficult part is the realisation and ultimate acceptance of facing that this is what it really was, and not the dream you had hoped for.  Through my learning experience with NARP, I have lead others to your work to encourage lovely people who I am now meeting, to embark on the same healing journey which I am still on, so that they can too learn to love themselves, build a new and wonderful life, and stop the cycle of destruction and misery.   Especially when children are involved.

    Thank you for giving us this path to recovery.  And thank you for being so genuine, and going above and beyond with all of your healing methodologies, to ensure that we all stand a chance of transforming our lives and truly being happy.
    Xxxx

  • danieladinca2007@yahoo.com'
    Dani
    June 17, 2017

    Hello Melanie and victims of npd,

    Its hard…its such a strugle, everyday, now one and half year after the big discard..when he told me to leave him alone because he wants somebodyelse..married with two small children..told me he felt lonely…after we move back together only for 3 months…
    Still ..I refused to leave..thinking about my children and my dream them to have a father.
    I strugled from July till february next year…all this time being miserable with me..in front of children. Now , I left his house one and half year ago, got divorced and still miserable with me. Is he not happy now that I left?? I wonder why is he accusing me that the children are raised without a father?
    Is total chaos in my soul and my mind.

    I can barely function because I realise I am addicted so strong to him.

    Thank you for all the information you share with us !
    .

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    June 17, 2017

    True, healed people don’t feel attracted to abusers.

  • bullylola03@yahoo.com'
    Chantelle
    July 7, 2017

    Thank you for this. During the video, I suddenly realized that even tho I have come a very long way in the healing process, I still say things like “he was the one my heart was married to” … I need to STOP that. One thing I will do for myself from now on is change that thought focus from him to me! I came up with this mantra to break away from my N mother – “I am loved, I am loveable, I am loving and I am love” and “if she were capable of loving, she would have loved me – but she is simply incapable of loving”
    I have used those lines in regard to my N – ex. I will be replacing the thought that my heart was married to him with this one: “My heart is looking forward to being truly loved – by God, by me and by the one who is divinely destined to treasure it.”

    Are these thoughts on the right path?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 7, 2017

      HI CHanetelle,

      sweetheart to me after N abuse trying to change our inner traumatised programs with affirmations is long, arduous and takes incredible frequency and dedication.

      There is a much easier way.

      I’d love you to come into my free workshop and learn how to release the trauma, change your mind and reprogram yourself – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Christine.Chisari03@gmail.com'
    Christine C
    July 11, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    You’ve helped me so much with healing, I have been no contact with my Narcissist for over 5 years. I want to show you a letter he wrote to me a few years ago that if you want, you can use as an example of what Narcissist will do to try to hook us back in. This letter means nothing to me now, so if you would like to pick it apart or use it as a tool for helping others.. be my guest! All I want is to help others the way you helped me because without ur guidance .. this letter would’ve sucked me back into the seemingly never ending cycle.

    “I guess this is pretty embarrassing for me huh? Lol Ironically, through much patience on my end, turning my back for 2 years on any sort of new relationship opportunities, I actually am afforded the opportunity, when you DO NOT have a boyfriend and you still won’t unblock or acknowledge me. Lol Gee-wiz! Damn! Love is very strange.
 I know you’ve seen this movie before babe, I do. But honestly, I’ve been holding onto the dream you may give me and “us” another or real chance to really flourish over a significant time grace period. I hoped, dreamed, wished you could find it in your heart maybe to give me one chance to prove my worth /allegiance to you. Especially if you became single once again. Allow me to display live and in person, the significant changes/progress I’ve made through grief, spiritually & love for both you and myself. Let’s be very clear, I understand I was not in right place our first time around, in which, I completely let you down. I’ve paid the price dearly babe. Trust me!
    Many life changing epiphany’s lessons were learned on my part , when I single handedly drove away the ONLY girl I genuinely loved and cared for and still do, after all this time. I practically forced you to up and jump out my life.
    One important lesson I learned, is that, in reality people can or will grieve forever. You just don’t ‘get over’ the loss of a close family member. You learn to live with it, to heal and then rebuild oneself around the loss suffered. You can be whole again but never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to. With that said, I understand I never want to go back to that time period, where I wrongly took everything out on you. That is in the past, where I’m keeping it and hoped to move forward with you to grow old together. But you’ve made clear to me for a while now, you have other plans. Your utter silence, one word responses (if at all), blocking protocols, etc. (lol), as each day passes, clearly depicts the same distinct answer you’ve stated for 2 years now. I was hoping you may give it some thought, but obviously your mind is made up and I have to move forward with my life as you have done yours.
    “It’s really hard to hold on to the feelings that you have always held. To treat someone as ordinary, when in fact very special… to keep calm, though you’re obviously jealous… to move on your own, with an empty and totally wounded heart… to smile even in deep pain… to let go of the person you dreamt forever with… to accept reality of being just friends… and to give up everything… though inside, you still want to give a try!”
    I love you! So much, you have no idea!
    XOXO!”
     
    ( he lost his sister is what he means the death of a close family member)
    Thank you for everything Mel!
    Christine

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 12, 2017

      Hi Christine,

      I am so pleased you have got up and out and are now impervious to the hoovering!

      I won’t spend time dissecting this letter from him Christine, because I really don’t want people to focus on “them” … because where I believe our point of power is – is on focusing on “us”.

      Namely what are our values, what are our truths? How do we live aligned with that and work on our Inner Being to release previous trauma so that we are going to show up differently in life making choices and alignments that are healthy for us?

      Also the recognition that “words” are nothing – and unless someone has seriously done the work that they are not reformed…

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-would-it-take-for-a-narcissist-to-heal/

      The truth is narcissists can and will do anything to find the “gap” within you that will let them back in.

      Therefore we could analyse their writing, but for each individual case the narcissist is morphing into exact what their victim “wants to hear” to get back in the door.

      It’s only when we change and heal and recover our unhealed parts that we are impervious to this.

      Thank you for bringing this topic up to the forefront – it is a great one, and I hope this makes sense.

      Mel xo

      Hi Mel,
      You’ve helped me so much with healing, I have been no contact with my Narcissist for over 5 years. I want to show you a letter he wrote to me a few years ago that if you want, you can use as an example of what Narcissist will do to try to hook us back in. This letter means nothing to me now, so if you would like to pick it apart or use it as a tool for helping others.. be my guest! All I want is to help others the way you helped me because without ur guidance .. this letter would’ve sucked me back into the seemingly never ending cycle.

      “I guess this is pretty embarrassing for me huh? Lol Ironically, through much patience on my end, turning my back for 2 years on any sort of new relationship opportunities, I actually am afforded the opportunity, when you DO NOT have a boyfriend and you still won’t unblock or acknowledge me. Lol Gee-wiz! Damn! Love is very strange.
 I know you’ve seen this movie before babe, I do. But honestly, I’ve been holding onto the dream you may give me and “us” another or real chance to really flourish over a significant time grace period. I hoped, dreamed, wished you could find it in your heart maybe to give me one chance to prove my worth /allegiance to you. Especially if you became single once again. Allow me to display live and in person, the significant changes/progress I’ve made through grief, spiritually & love for both you and myself. Let’s be very clear, I understand I was not in right place our first time around, in which, I completely let you down. I’ve paid the price dearly babe. Trust me!
      Many life changing epiphany’s lessons were learned on my part , when I single handedly drove away the ONLY girl I genuinely loved and cared for and still do, after all this time. I practically forced you to up and jump out my life.
      One important lesson I learned, is that, in reality people can or will grieve forever. You just don’t ‘get over’ the loss of a close family member. You learn to live with it, to heal and then rebuild oneself around the loss suffered. You can be whole again but never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to. With that said, I understand I never want to go back to that time period, where I wrongly took everything out on you. That is in the past, where I’m keeping it and hoped to move forward with you to grow old together. But you’ve made clear to me for a while now, you have other plans. Your utter silence, one word responses (if at all), blocking protocols, etc. (lol), as each day passes, clearly depicts the same distinct answer you’ve stated for 2 years now. I was hoping you may give it some thought, but obviously your mind is made up and I have to move forward with my life as you have done yours.
      “It’s really hard to hold on to the feelings that you have always held. To treat someone as ordinary, when in fact very special… to keep calm, though you’re obviously jealous… to move on your own, with an empty and totally wounded heart… to smile even in deep pain… to let go of the person you dreamt forever with… to accept reality of being just friends… and to give up everything… though inside, you still want to give a try!”
      I love you! So much, you have no idea!
      XOXO!”

      ( he lost his sister is what he means the death of a close family member)
      Thank you for everything Mel!
      Christine

  • Christine.Chisari03@gmail.com'
    Christine C
    July 12, 2017

    I see what you’re saying. For me, there was 3 major choices I had to make when dealing with narcissistic abuse. The first one, probably the hardest one, was when I came across your website. I identified with you so many things I was going through at the time! Enough for me to question who to believe: You, someone I never met and stumbled upon this website by googling “Narcissist”, or the Narcissist I was dealing with at the time. Obviously none of my friends or family could get through to me. But you descr so many emotions I was going through, and had helped so many people already, that I decided to believe what u said, not him, and I would do everything required to get out of the situation. So I did the narcissistic abuse quanta freedom course (second major choice). At first, I wasn’t sure if I made a mistake, if going no contact was the right thing, or if I should just give him another chance. I was scared you maybe weren’t in the situation I was in, and maybe my situation was different. But I felt it in my gut, you went through what I was going through and this was the only answer. After I did the course, I felt relieved that I was able to get rid of my ex, but I was still the victim. Yes we had broke up but I still insisted on telling everyone what he did, how awful he was, how he was to blame, share stories, etc. Then I made the third choice to take your self empowerment course. It wasn’t until completion of that course that not only did I not want to be back with him anymore, but I didn’t feel the need to talk about what happened anymore, I stopped trying to get everyone I know to take my side, I stopped thinking about it as much and started focusing on what did/does matter: and that’s me. Today I am (we are) stronger because of these situations in the past because if there is one thing I now know it’s that will never happen to me again. It’s not even a thought in my brain doesn’t even stand a chance because I will never allow that type of behavior in my life no chance at all.

    So the reason I shared my letter is because I feel like that first choice for others is a difficult one, but your right; Everyone’s situation is different and the Narcissist will use specific information they know to manipulate and each letter would be different. The last thing I would want to do is deter someone from thinking this is what they are going through because the situation is different than mine. I really wish anyone going through narcissistic abuse would hear you, believe you, speak to you, listen to your healings, because you saved me that way. Those 3 major decisions saved my life!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 13, 2017

      Hi Christine,

      yes, agreed, and I totally understand.

      Thank you for sharing your letter 🙂

      Bless Dear Lady

      Mel xo

  • keri@kerifoxinsurance.com'
    Keri
    July 18, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I don’t know how to thank you for all you do. I was involved with a narcissist and just about lost everything. The loss of this relationship was “different” than other losses and no one would listen. I left, but it didn’t leave me. It’s like having a parasite in my head. I also realized my mom was most likely a narcissist too. My siblings lives have been devastated and I have certainly struggled through many bad relationships.

    It has been your internet material that got me through. I purchased the Thriver material, but seem to have a hard time getting started. I’m in a better place and hope deeply to finely move forward…for good.

    Again, thank you! Your work is divinely inspired.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 18, 2017

      Hi Keri,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      Please know once you do start working with NARP it will take your healing to a whole other level.

      I really encourage you to connect to the NARP Forum as well for support and encouragement.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      You’ve got this!

      Mel xo

  • kristin-101@hotmail.com'
    trish
    July 19, 2017

    My partner hit, threatened, pimped, frauded and belittled me but yet I can’t stop thinking that I’m the narcissistic one. Is this normal? Could I be?

    I would not wish that treatment on my worst enemy but somehow I think I adopted some of their behaviors over time.

  • ladylina78.ay@gmail.com'
    Lina
    July 31, 2017

    After 12 years married to the narcissist , I filed for a divorce hoping that was the end. He tried anything in his power to hurt me and our two beautiful kids . At this point I somehow have lost my savings and if it wasn’t for my kids , my willpower as well. I thought I was going insane , I blamed myself as even my family thought I was in the wrong for leaving such a wonderful man ( apparently I was the bad one in the marriage and he tolerated me out of the kindness of his heart ).
    I never had the option to give up though. Whatever he threw at me I dodged . True the flying monkeys believed him , but there are always doctors reports , other evidence somewhere . And at 12 my daughter was well enough to understand. So I fought and fought , surrounded by well meaning people I met who were also parents and could see what I was doing didn’t make me insane , it made them see I was a wonderful parent protecting my kids .I was lucky for these people , they came in our lives at the right time .
    Forward 16 months later , I have a home , two happy kids and a partner who understands what I need . And the narcissist just got played at his own game. I let him speak to his kids whenever he wants but when he cross the line that’s it . He is constantly begging for forgiveness ( but of course he didn’t say what for ) asking for another chance and all I could wish him is for the best of luck as I know he will never see what he did. They’d never wake up true , but I think that rather than us putting up with how helpless we feel we need to also wake up to the fact that we are where we are and to do something about it . Otherwise they have won and the people who genuinely care about us loses out ( it’s one thing for us to personally give up , but we also have to think of our kids , friends , whoever these people may be to motivate us to get up and be brave ).
    Good luck to all of us and stay strong .

  • hawk00073@hotmail.com'
    Pam
    August 16, 2017

    I’ve listened to so many of your videos and have learned so much from all of them, but for some reason, this one really hit home and came at the perfect time for me. I’ve been no contact with my narc for a few months now and figured I’d heard the last from him. He discarded me and shows nothing but disdain and outright hatred of me, so I really did believe he wouldn’t bother me. But of course, I was wrong about him again and he is playing his sneaky little games on me now. It started with an envelope from him in my mail. It only had a couple of old pictures in it that belonged to me, and of course no note. I chalked it up to a wierd thing for him to bother with and put it out of my mind. But then my phone rang the other day and I didn’t answer it, but within minutes I had a notification of a text. I first saw that it was him that had called, and of course he didn’t leave a message. And his text only said,
    testing
    Again I thought how odd that was. I texted back that I hope he passed and left it at that. I wasn’t even thinking but realize now that was all he needed. A half hour later he said Sorry, wrong number. That was the whole thing and it set off emotions in me that were just crazy. I kept trying to figure out what the game was he was playing and it of course got bigger and bigger in my mind until I found myself getting all upset and angry. I could feel myself falling into that same trap again and luckily I called my one friend instead of playing into his hands. Just those few words can do that to me , even after all the painful stuff he pulled on me during the divorce, I so didn’t expect it. I had almost convinced myself that he wsn’t even really a narc as he didn’t follow the pattern, but then of course he did. So in a way I am grateful because my resolve got stronger and I’m continuing on with the no contact and working to get my place ready to sell so I can get as far away as possible. He thought he was going to take this place too and he is still using it that to smear me with, that I am a cold hearted bitch etc because he put so much into this place blah blah, and he did, but it was my place to begin with and not once did I ask him to do any of it, nor did I ever let him get his name on the title. Thank God. But I mainly just wanted to thank you again Melanie, thank you so much, you and the modules and all your articles have helped me get through this hell and I even sometimes now feel that I am coming out the other side and might just make it after all. Much love to you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2017

      Hi Pam,

      you are so welcome, and I know you are going to make it.

      Sending love and blessings.

      Mel xo

  • jschu2@ymail.com'
    Jennifer
    August 20, 2017

    I did not want to hear this today but I sure NEEDED to hear this today. Once again, you are spot on, Melanie. Thank you for helping to bring me back to reality.

  • Maryhuston1@gmail.com'
    Mary
    September 4, 2017

    I was 16-24 years old during my relationship with a narcissist. Now I am 26 and I was unaware even what a narcissist was until recently. He conned me in so many ways. Finally breaking free from him was only because he disappeared. We didn’t speak because he had abandoned me. I couldn’t give him money or drugs and that’s what was most important to him. About 5 months after his disappearance he came back wanting to be with me again. I was strong and knew it wouldn’t be able
    To work….Because of how badly his leaving affected me. But I never stopped “loving” him. We kept in contact occasionally..though on his time. If he was hiding from reality then he was unreachable. He would often disappear with other women who were supplying money, their home, and drugs. Then when he would leave them I’d get a call. He wanted my emotional support I guess? Or to stroke his ego that I cared still. If he had never disappeared I’m scared I would’ve never left. About 8 months after that I met my husband. We dated, fell in love and had our firs baby a year ago. I thought I was over the narcissist but still in the back of my mind triggers would remind me of him or I’d see someone in his family etc. and I knew I still loved and cared about him. Over 10 years since we first met and not surprised he has not changed. About 6 months ago my husband and I moved back to our home town where the narcissist and I met, spent the majority of the relationship etc. I guess this is a huge trigger? Because almost 3 years and I thought I was over him, but tried to accept that I’d always “love” him despite how horrible he was/is. I started thinking about him a lot. Wondering and worrying if he was ok. His drug use was at a peak and people had told me
    How bad he was on drugs. Living far away in another state with a terrible woman. Lying to everyone had not even spoken to his family much and using drugs. At first I thought I was just worried until..he randomly comes back in town. He contacted me of course. And I gave in! Even though I knew it was all crap. The addiction part of me felt almost like I was using him to fuel whatever I needed from him to feel self worth? I’m not sure but the reason. I found this whole blog was because his own family members told me they thought he was a narcissist. I didn’t even really know much about this until now. It’s so eye opening and I realize I have a lot of work to do. Because today he told me he was leaving town and it tore my world apart. And now I feel stupid and guilty and incredibly sad. I’m not sure what to do now because I am aware how bad he is I’m mad st myself for letting him get to me while knowing he is horrible. And knowing it was all lies I still managed to let him hurt me. I have a good life I don’t know why I have these co dependency issues with him. I don’t think my childhood I had abandon issues or fears? I was a happy child with good parents I can’t figure out why I feel like I am addicted to him

  • deennabaer@gmail.com'
    Deenna Baer
    October 15, 2017

    I am married to my 3rd narcissist and am currently separated because I caught him, 64 yrs old, with an underage teenager, who was like a grand daughter to me.
    I have been completely bedridden for 8 yrs and have recently found out my soon to be ex has been poisoning me with rat poison all this time to have utter control of me.

    I still find myself not hating him, I fear him but I realize I still love him but do not have contact with him. My choice.
    I have filed a report with the sheriff Dept.
    I pulled my medical records and it looks as if he has been poisoning me for 10yrs.
    I am now active but have a lot of detoxing to do and still get quite fatigued and my brain doesn’t work as well as it should.
    I just wish I could hate him but he has been playing as my care giver for so long which made him look good in front of our friends and family. I was totally dependent on him.

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