Melanie Tonia Evans

Conquering The Terror Of Being With Another Narcissist

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 4
27
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

It is very healthy, normal and human to want to love and be loved – and one of the grandest ways we can experience this is through intimate love relationships.

Yet, after having our hearts, souls and life smashed by narcissists, we may concede it is safer to go without love at this level than ever run the risk of being abused again.

Or … maybe we are trying to find love, yet are continually experiencing connections with men and women, which are disappointing, painful or even downright scary!

I totally GET IT … That is exactly how I used to feel as well after being narcissistically abused.

Initially, I was alone for three and half years, because any time I tried to date, the only people who were coming into my orbit were seriously disordered and unsuitable … and I felt even more traumatised as a result of trying.

The following are two common beliefs people can have in regard to the fear of connecting with another narcissist …

The first is this … maybe in our terror we believe there are just far too many narcissists out there, and trying to find someone healthy is like playing Russian Roulette …

Meaning, get it wrong and it could be all over for you (as it almost was for so many of us).

Or maybe we think, “My attracting narcissists is to do with Law of Attraction, meaning I have to completely change and monitor my thinking in order to attract someone decent.”

I promise you that sort of constant monitoring and management of yourself could drive you crazy!

When you realise what is REALLY going on, it makes so much more sense than believing your life is dictated by others, or living with the anxiety of trying to watch your thoughts …

The truth about how to leave the fear behind and step into your True Worth, has nothing to do with these two beliefs … and allows you to deeply understand HOW to take your power back and change the relationship trajectory you have been on.

In this Thriver TV episode, you will discover why you are terrified of being with another narcissist, how to completely change those feelings, and what is necessary to become TOTALLY impervious to narcissistic abuse ever happening to you again.

And … how to up-level the quality of people and kind of relationships that you WILL have access to, and what it takes to start experiencing healthy people as your “normal” organic reality.

If you are still feeling terrified of enmeshing with another narcissist in ANY area of your life (not just romantically), I know that this video can help you a lot.

It is my deepest desire this week, that this episode grants you the golden nugget to be able to shift out of the fear of being with another narcissist.

And … if you know of someone who could benefit, please share this article with them!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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27 Thoughts on Conquering The Terror Of Being With Another Narcissist
  • winespell@gmail.com'
    Deborah
    May 23, 2017

    Melanie, the more courageous you are in being your authentic true self and sharing the details of your personal experience with us to illustrate what is healthy love and what is not, the more you are benefitting all of us. Thank you so very much for this.

    Set one totally reasonable boundary with a narcissist or tell them that anything about them that just about anyone would agree is problematic or out of line or inconsiderate and watch them lash out at you in rage and accusations and instantly abandon you, and you’ll know for sure you’re dealing with a narcissist.

    Because of you I have healed enough to be able to witness the miracle of now being aware of what is happening in these interactions and being strong enough and loving myself and being kind and compassionate enough towards myself to be able to realize that nobody I would ask would say their behavior is right or fair or kind, and realizing this is not my truth and it is unacceptable to me, and finally having the courage to stand up for myself, and having no problem with their rage and disapproval and rejection which I previously would avoid at all cost.

    At my new temporary job on my way to a soulful healing career I am witnessing how people who are unkind or abusive or controlling, without my even saying a word but just knowing that is not my truth and it is not acceptable to me and quietly choosing not to interact with them, some are even changing and being polite and respectful.

    This has been a very long journey for me, and two and a half years of not being in a relationship, but everything is becoming so beautiful in my life, little by little, and you are my role model that healthy love will come along. Thanks for reminding me that this is a natural desire and that it will come along.

    Bless you Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2017

      Hi Deborah,

      thank you for your lovely comments!

      Please know you are so welcome 🙂

      How lovely the path you have taken, the vocation you are claiming and the desire now to disconnect and simply BE your truth. That is where the power is!

      I adore how you, without a relationship, are becoming that healthy relationship with Life and self – because then it must come.

      You are be-coming it!

      Many blessings to you too Deborah.

      Mel xo

  • Obrien315@gmail.com'
    Catherine
    May 23, 2017

    It is my gut instinct of, “Ugh…this does not feel right” that does not fail me.

    If I compromise my initial reaction or attempt to blame my own inner instincts for being unfair to the situation, the regrets are immediate.

    Thank you for your wonderful and valuable work in this area of unhealthy relationships. I am almost ready to date after three years. My one failed attempt was with another narcissist. I felt uncomfortable from the get go and did not rely on my original gut feeling. I was able to end it fairly quickly and unscathed with the help of your series.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2017

      Hi Catherine,

      that is wonderful you know and can trust that feeling!

      You are very welcome, and I am so pleased Catherine you were able to honour you and pull away.

      Bless you!

      Mel xo

  • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
    Bren
    May 23, 2017

    Awesome video. This is thriver life. Thank you Narp……living this way now and it works. If you work Narp and heal the wounds, your life will turnaround…..Im so grateful for the turnaround in my life. I love you Mel. You have been the answer to the call I had in my heart for so long to heal. After working with Narp for almost 2 years, I am thriving…..the “sun is shining again” ……bless you. Lot of love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2017

      Hi Bren,

      I love you too darling lady!

      I am so thrilled that you are shining honey 🙂 It’s been such a joy to see your journey blossom the way it has!

      Mel xo

  • lina126y@hotmail.com'
    Strongwind
    May 23, 2017

    I’ve not dated or been with another man for nearly 4 and half yrs. I’m so terrified of men in general. I’ve gotten older and I’m still not healed from the damage of the abuse. Being myself is dangerous and on the other hand I don’t have much of myself left. I’m not sure who I am anymore. I gave my primary trust to who I thought was my soul mate and when he discarded without even looking back. I’m beginning to understand that the narcissist was not my God and just because he treated me without regard and like garbage, it has nothing to do with me but with who he him or isn’t.

    Thank you Melanie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2017

      Hi Strongwind,

      you are right the N’s behaviour has nothing to do with us – it is to do with their wounds.

      Yet, our recovery IS to do with us,because it is the meeting of and healing our wounds – which only we can do.

      I would love to see you connect to NARP Strongwind, because that is what gets us up and out and into Thriving.

      Its the proven formula that works in order to heal http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      Mel xo

  • lina126y@hotmail.com'
    Strongwind
    May 23, 2017

    I’ve not dated or been with another man for nearly 4 and half yrs. I’m so terrified of men in general. I’ve gotten older and I’m still not healed from the damage of the abuse. Being myself is dangerous but, on the other hand, I don’t have much of myself left. I’m not sure who I am anymore. I gave my trust and life to who I thought was my soul mate and when he discarded without even looking back, I thought my whole life had been an illusion. I’m just beginning to understand that the narcissist was not my God and just because he treated me without regard and like garbage, it has nothing to do with me but with who he is or isn’t.

    Thank you Melanie

  • valpal@rogers.com'
    Valerie Palmer
    May 23, 2017

    Dear Mel, Once again this video resonates for me. I haven’t dated in 10 years!! I have done your free workshop several times and felt ‘shifts’ So I am now doing your Narp program. I am 73 and some-days its ‘bad’ like today. It wasn’t a man that triggered me it was a women friend. When driving she is constantly telling me what to do, a backseat driver. I came home to unravel my feelings. I want to be able to gentle tell her that it is distracting and if she continues then I cannot have her in my car. I know that this is the right thing for me but the fear/anxiety is very real. A life long problem that I have been aware of for many years. Now is the time to claim my power! Thanks you for your videos. You are awesome. Val

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2017

      Hi Valerie,

      I am so pleased this did resonate with you, and that you are on the NARP Program.

      How wonderful that now you can go to these triggers in your Module work and up level and release yourself from these fears.

      How gorgeous that you are going to claim your power! 🙂

      Much love and many blessings Val.

      Mel xo

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    A.E.
    May 23, 2017

    Hi Melanie!
    After the N dumped me, I have gone within a couple of months (thanks to you and a lot of inner child work!) from being shocked, numb, shaky, obsessed and lifeless to the happy, smiling, normal me again. I think I have done a good recovery. But this seems to be my last remaining issue…I felt goosebumps just seeing the title of this video, exactly what I needed to hear! You see…I’m 40 years old woman and now, I have zero interest in men anymore! I just talk about this to my friend…”I do not want to become hurt again…who on earth would!?”. And today I had this aha-moment: In my mind, “men” have become a synonym to a “narcissist”. Heh, I hope no man is reading this, they would be offended! 🙂 Maybe I should say, instead of, I am not interested in men anymore…that I am not interested in narcissists anymore! Good heavens, I never intentionally was, yet I attracted one.

    I think I have also now become hyper-vigilant, sort of going from a doormat to a brickwall…I think I attracted abusers, because I never put any boundaries. Now I understand: I had a very lack-based thinking, like “this may be my last chance to love”, I did not wanted to rock the boat etc…so I tolerated all kinds of weirdness and disrespecting behaviour. Now I am like, if I detect any weird behaviour in a man, that’s that then, end of story immediately!! But maybe it’s not good going from one extreme to another? We can all have bad days and say something silly without thinking…but if he later does not apologize or have any reasonable explanation (the n never did…everything was always my fault, because I was a “bad person”), in other words does not respect me or care about my feelings…then I will finish with such a man.

    I feel the need to vent now a little bit 🙂 But sometimes “The Secret” and such simple law of attraction advice really annoys me. Like “thoughts become things”. I have been “thinking” my soulmate like 20 years now, and he has not yet materialized (instead this n and the mess that followed that…). So I would say instead that energy and subconscious beliefs/programming become “things”!!

    Melanie you have helped and enlighted me so much! Now I become emotional and tears come into my eyes…if I would meet you I would give you a big hug. Instead I send you one from here northern Europe 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2017

      Hi A.E.,

      I hear you!

      A E I don’t know whether or not you are a NARP Member? The Module work is so versatile, because we can literally go to any “block” or “fear” in our body and target it, load it up and release it (which means remove it).

      That is exactly what I would do with this … target the beliefs and blocks regarding men and conjoining with men and then that energy can start to flow in your life … and you can naturally release any fears that that energy coming in starts to bring – so that you can navigate in your power.

      I totally agree regarding the scarcity thinking – that used to be a huge issue for me (as well as others) too.

      When we repair the inner fractures then there is no scarcity thinking – we are totally attuned to the knowing of being Flourished and nourished” and “there is MORE where that came from.”

      I agree about the Secret and Law of Attraction – it is a VERY limited model.

      We can’t just “think” our way to success … we have to deeply reprogram our subconscious wounds and blocks … and that’s where NARP comes in.

      I hop that one day I can grant you that big hug – and truly A E think bout joining this incredible Community as a NARPer … because then you will have “the way” to remove and heal these blocks.

      (And so much more …)

      Mel xo

  • htigger@bellsouth.net'
    Claire
    May 23, 2017

    Hi Melanie. Your video topic is exactly where I am right now in my recovery from a life of being influenced (squashed) by narcissists. I’ve found it was not only in my marriage, but also extended to my own parents and my friendships. It permeated my entire social network.

    Originally, I found out what narcissism is through a second marriage to an extremely narcissistic man. When I discovered I needed to divorce him (after only two years of marriage), I reached out to my family for help with my children as I tried to leave this marriage. However, they too abandoned me rather than supporting me during what was one of the most difficult things I’ve been through in my 54 years (I’ve since discovered this is a pattern from them as well, I just didn’t realize it before because I never needed them so much. Also, they blamed me so I thought anything wrong with my life is my own doing…I must be a very bad person like they tell me.). The father of my children was a nice man, just not who I wanted to be with…but this 2nd husband, was evil sent from some very dark forces. It’s now been 6 years since I left him. I now see him as a GIFT who cleared the foggy windows of my life’s struggle.

    WOW, the discovery that has taken place for me. I learned not only what narcissism is, but that it wasn’t just the 2nd marriage where it existed in my life. I understood for the first time, that my mother, father, brother, aunt, uncle and grandmother were or are all extreme narcissists. Then, as I figured this out and how to set boundaries that allowed me to be my authentic self despite their continued recriminations, I started discovering that many of my close girlfriends (as in friends) were also narcissist and I was under their spell as well. My awakening to this came when one of my girlfriends gossiped about me and I asked her why she felt she could share something I had told her in confidence. She immediately turned it into an attack on me, and nothing about her behavior except to say she didn’t have to defend herself, she was “sorry I wasn’t feeling secure enough”. WHAT? This led me to discovering the COVERT NARCISSIST.

    I’ve since rebooted my life from the 2nd marriage and narcissistic friends. It was very isolating and lonely for awhile, especially as this occurred as I was becoming an empty nester, but Melanie, your video states where I am, and what I need to KEEP REMEMBERING…I AM MY AUTHENTIC SELF…I DO NOT HAVE TO COMPROMISE myself to be in a love relationship, a friendship or in my own family. LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER WHEN I AM BEING ME. I will know I have truly healed when I can date without any feelings of insecurity.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2017

      Hi Claire,

      I am so pleased this is relevant and can help.

      You are certainly going through a profound awakening and it is time for you to heal Claire.

      I wish you many blessings and much love on that journey.

      Mel xo

    • camyjoflowers@aol.com'
      cindy
      June 24, 2017

      I have been damaged in the same way as you have. clare. I feel as though this is my wake up call. everyone I have in my life seemed to display the same narcissist qualities. I cannot connect to anyone right now. so i feel very all alone. its my time to reconnect to me, i guess. I feel a pull toward another person that seems damaged. is it real? I just cannot bring myself to try. how can I overcome this feeling? help melanie.

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    May 24, 2017

    Great video as usual…I haven’t been with someone in few years and I don’t feel the need for a committed relationship, however I was finally feeling like dating few months ago and luckily had very good experiences, which was very refreshing. However, I had to relocate and where I am now the idea of dating feels unsafe again, mostly because of the incredible amount of sexism that permeates my community. Hence my question: at this point of my journey I know I can dodge a narcissist, however I keep wondering, how can I dodge a culture that normalizes abuse? Ignoring things? Having way too many uncomfortable conversations and turn my life in a crusade? Disengage and living as a hermit cause the vast majority don’t share my reality? I honestly don’t know what to do. I will consider removing myself from here as soon as I can, but in the meantime, the joy and openness and trust I was feeling about dating again are fading everytime I go to a bar and I hear how men (even my own friends) talk about girls and women. I don’t want to be judgemental, but these things hurt me deeply. I get your point of not letting “people” define our happiness , but am I supposed to hang out or even sleep with the same guys who make dirty jokes about girls or expect them to stay in the kitchen? The alternative seems to be putting my dating life on hold (again…).

    Lots of love xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      I am pleased you enjoyed it.

      I know so well, that it is not “the outer” dictating our reality – truly. So all you need to do LJ is keep up levelling and be YOU and show up as the radiant True Self that you are.

      And just keep Moduliing away the fears that are arising for you.

      Of course you do not need to compromise you! You may be surprised what happens (even in this environment) when you shift what has arisen for you …. and it will (as clearing arising traumas always do) take you into an even higher better place within to date!!

      There is no mistake in where you have ended up location wise and what is going on internally for you right now!

      And there is only ONE path to take with it, when claiming True Self and success … )

      Mel xo

      • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
        Lady Jedi
        May 24, 2017

        Thanks for being my anchor (together with QFH) in this painful reverse-culture-shock situation… Can’t express how grateful I am that your perspective shifting work is on my path right now. It does encourage me to feel I’ll come up on the other side stronger, like it was the case for my experience abroad, which started off as painful but eventually set me free. Much love xxx

  • gina.defrancisco@comcast.net'
    Gina
    May 24, 2017

    Melanie,
    Watching all of your videos has given me so much more insight how to heal myself. I was so obsessed trying to figure out why he was doing what he was doing and why he thought the way he thought- I was consumed with him and his disease. Then, I had a moment of clarity and I realized I am more important than this horrible man who I thought would keep me safe and love me. It took me 23 YEARS to finally leave him. I knew he had NPD for years but I didn’t realize I was a co-dependent and so my own fears kept me hanging on to him for so long. I learned to “DO THE WORK” to take time and heal myself and find who I am again. It isn’t easy, especially when my kids were effected and my financial status changed, but I told myself I have two options; get busy living or get busy dying. You have helped me more than you know. Keep up the good work! You have helped so many people change their lives. Love, Gina

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2017

      Hi Gina,

      I am so pleased you have left and are moving into clarity.

      I ADORE what you have said “get busy living” it is so true …

      I am so pleased I could help, and sending you strength and hugs!

      Mel xo

  • dianalaurencory@hotmail.com'
    Diana
    May 24, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I, like the other women who have previously commented, have emotionally transposed the idea of romantic intimacy with drama and abuse. i.e. I avoid men like the plague, and I think of them as such. I don’t trust myself to know, or to be assertive in the face of knowing. Interestingly, over the years that have passed (I left my N husband 3 years ago) I have ventured out on about three dates experimentally. The nice men I have met have become friends ( I am not ready for anything else). The one I did meet that was so obviously a narcissist he might as well have had it tattooed on his face – I wondered how I had ever missed the over-the-top manipulations before!! It was so bad that I literally walked out on the date. And I was laughing because he was calling after me to try to get me to come back, shaming me for leaving, telling me I was immature, telling me that adults would be able to politely spend time together and finish the date respectfully. It was a flashback to my husband who loved to manipulate my need to be considered healthy and mature and to shame me and make me feel crazy for having intense reactions to his BS as a powerful form of psychological control. I was proud of myself for leaving. I know 5 years ago it would have been a completely different story.
    I have learned so much from you that you have literally saved my life, and I still haven’t done as much of the serious meditative work as I wish I had. I feel I’ve plateaued and I have trouble getting through entire 3 hour sessions. Regardless, the information you share so generously to anyone – the youtube videos and newsletters are a Godsend. I thank God for you, I truly do.

    xo Diana

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2017

      Hi Diana,

      that is wonderful that you are not taken in anymore, that is such shift in the right direction 🙂

      Please do know that the shortened version of Module 1 and / or the Goal Setting Module in the NARP Program are powerful tools that take an hour to work with.

      It does take effort for us to get to the other side, but our entire Life is on the Line … the joy of living it as a True Self … and it is SO worth it.

      Much love and many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    May 25, 2017

    Thank you, Melanie. You are one of the best teachers I have ever had and learnt so much from you.
    I am using NARP and wish to get the best results I can from it.
    Have a great day!

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    May 26, 2017

    Beautiful video– as always. Thank you, Mel.

  • Hellchick@hotmail.com'
    Wide awake
    May 26, 2017

    Thanks Mel

    Great video. All the penny’s are finally dropping into place for me now and I am really grasping a lot of the concepts and practicing and playing with them.

    One thing I have noticed about myself is coming from a place of lack and so within, so without. I know it’s there but something is blocking me or there is a bit more understandable required to flip the switch in me to flip the places of lack into a place of abundance.

    Have you got any words or wisdom or previous blogs specific to that topic. I am a Narper.

    Thanks again.

  • camyjoflowers@aol.com'
    cindy
    June 24, 2017

    I have been damaged by my N ex-husband to the point where I have met a shy man who seems very intimidated to speak to me. So I have avoided him to the point of scaring him off. I feel my initial fear and unsettlement did this. When can we know we are healed enough to let someone in? I feel really bad that he was hurt. He does not know why I pulled away. He seems very hurt by it.

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