Wow all this stress has caused me ruemotoid arthritis autoamune disease

Hi KKWL,

please come into the NARP Member’s Forum, where we will do the deep work with you in there, with NARP and our Moderators.

That is the place for this – not here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

And it is where we can serve you and work with you in the deepest most supportive way.

Mel 🙏💕💛

Honestly the path ‘contamination’ thing just got triggered and it caused me to address this.

For 10 days have been avoiding the path bc they ‘might’ have hung out 10 days ago – so it was ‘contaminated’ and I’m already in trauma mode (doing tons QH) — so I thought ok I’ll stay off it –

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I thought Sunday should be long enough hopefully I’ll feel strong enough then!!! Seemed good. And then TODAY!!! TODAY TODAY TODAY booM!!!! hung out AGAIN!!! f***ckityF*****ckinF****F******!!!! Unbelievable. It could ALMOST feel like “universe is against me” BUT — I thought: OK here it is!! Well, this is intersting bc how am I going to get food now??!!

A month ago after a ‘hang out’ the path was so ‘contaminated’ to me that I didn’t even go near my window that is NEAR it!!!! or touch things in my room that are near that window – until days later.

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I have such visceral hatred of this person – such visceral upset that they hang out w him and ‘have fun’ (though they deny it when asked claim it sucks) HOnestly this is a ‘cosmic joke’ bc here I am waiting 10 days for strength and a ‘clearing’ — only to have it ‘recontaminated’ !!!!!!!!!!! I’m like: OK universe! here we go!! How do I do this???

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So often in QH healings it’s come up at spiralling time that I think : NO I want to hold on to this pain!! to these horrible memories! (in this case to the hatred!!!) bc it REMINDS me of what NOT to do – where NOT to go! (I tell self it’s the pain releasing) I’m so convinced it’s the hatred that ‘protects me’

(This abuse was intermittent over yrs and there was no real relationship and rare contact – I’d get over it, ‘heal’ forget about it and it’d happen again yrs later. Finally I strung it all together and snapped – couldn’t take it one more time and so I truly believed in order to not have it happen again (bc person is unconscious, cannot be counted on to not do this) I have to NEVER forget, this meant holding on to anger, the story the hatred and seeing other person as horrible!)

I SOOO much want to believe like in your narc story that you heal the wounds and the whole thing falls away ‘easily’.

In today’s case mom went shopping with person’s wife. She claims not to enjoy hanging out w these ppl and says it’s not often. WHY voluntarily go do this then? and also WHY come back full of good cheer and stories about trip (I overheard) when to me she always makes it sound like she doesn’t like these ppl, almost never spends time with them etcetc.

This makes me feel like: I’ll have to do that!!!! or something

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argh — am SO entangled with these ppl

last week anxious that they were out together I suddenly felt like “This is crazy!!!!! crazy!!” (and lightly laughed!) that was a good hopeful sign!!!!!!!

seriously so enmeshed w these ppl and triggered so really writing this out – and thank you for ‘being’ there in shape of this site — do you know that I’ve been going to healers since 1992 for this?! And that even when I lived far away in other countries and had other issues I went to healers for the one thing that would ALWAYS come up was FOO??!!!!(1 or 2 specifically) EVERY EVERY damn time – no matter what country what healer what issue!! ) it’s been a really long time of being entangled and I have not been freee

(and I had given up completely on ever being free in this lifetime – surrendered)

it’s just insane – it’s crazy. I’m a powerful being, but am playing small

and in playing small I stay stuck with these ppl (bc this is where they play and they’re apparently fine with it)

and in freeing myself that’s a BIG shift!!!!!! HUUUUUGE — not sure am ready for it

have been playing small for such a long long long long long long time (lke 100s yrs)

but honestly if I WERE my true self I doubt I’d want to hang out w any of these ppl (and their dramas) — I doubt I’d even see it, you know? It wouldn’t even cross my radar

(but I feel like I’m making that up — )

So many times I thought: yeah!! NOW I’ve healed! had massive soul retrieval etc etc — NOW I’m healed and then BOOM! no. In it again! and again and again.

I am ( I think I believe I keep hearing ) a very powerful being. and I am playing small pretending I’m not as great amazing or powerful as I truly am. Pretending I don’t have access to information to help to BEING – to true being when I really do (?? apparently) but am stopping myself.

Am I making this up??!! I ask self —

If I were to come out as what I truly am, it’d blow this all out of the water, these ppl wouldn’t really exist (?) and it wouldn’t be an issue –

Meanwhile I still have to figure out how to deal with this path and the energy ‘contamination’

And SHUTE! I just went to the bathroom and discovered that I also do not feel safe to drink water now. SHUTe shute shute shute! Bc as I was drinking I thought of that wife person (I have purposefully never met her – no contact for 10 + yrs but I hate her and the whole situation) and then I felt like: if I drink this water I’ll be connected to them. So I immediately put the water down. NOT good!! I need to drink bc have no food (bc of path!)

I never think about any of these ppl for half the yr when FOO are gone. It’s only when they’re here that these things even come to mind (bc they hang out )

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now as I’ve been healing it w QH I also noticed I think about this person – whereas before I did not EVER. This concerns me. I’m assuming it’s because I’m working on issues and I HOPE that will go away and I won’t have even pleasant thoughts of them ever coming up. (I’m so adamant about not wanting to think about them now I won’t even drink water!)

Welp universe this’ll be an interesting one!! certainly not what I wanted to happen as I planned to get food –

(hope it’s ok to write this out here as it’s a timely RIGHT ‘now’ issue – and am not forum member)

Apologies it’s SO long again!!!! ohhhh 🙂

hello again! the above question comes up again for me bc as I look at trauma etc I also have coping mechanisms that are — well —- whew —

Yrs ag in absence of other ways to deal with pain and trauma etc — and feeling SCARED TERRIFIED of ppl who are abusive and who expell anger outwardly etc etc I devised a bunch of ‘coping mechanisms’ to ‘protect’ myself

Obviously I already distanced self looooong time ago

But I live w FOO and one of the ppl who was abusive – well, they hang out w him. And I HATE HATE HATE it!!! It’s the one last point I have about this (bc everything else I was able to cancel out of my life)

Ok so I know about internal wounds now !!!!! — but here’s the thing

I have this device/ coping mechanism where I feel like things get “contaminated” by energy — and I have such visceral hatred for this person (the one who was abusive) that I want NOTHING to do w this person. I no contact (for looong time) but I also don’t want to hear the name (I now also have problems typing first letter of it!! yeeshh : ))

But here’s the thing – when the FOO DOES hang out w this person I then feel like they are ‘contaminated’ w his energy. Bc for me – I want him not to exist/never to have existed- just completely erased.

So I feel like they bring his energy (is this his memory? or reminder??) interpreted it as ‘energy’ — and since I want NOTHING to do w it, I have to avoid it.

If they hang out then the path they walk on is now ‘contaminated’ (i have no other contact w them in the house)

I would just have to wait how ever long it took for the path not to feel ‘contaminated’ before I could cross it (I would NEVER walk on it) and then I would pray for protection etc and JUMP over it (which would always feel scary bc I don’t want to get ‘contaminated’ w their or the person’s energy.)

Whew. ok. So here’s the thing – that means then that I cannot go outside until the path is ‘clear’ — which also means I cannot get FOOD!!!

I’m so convinced that the ‘energy’ is in the path or that if I touch it then I am somehow ‘connected’ to this person (And I want NO connection ever whatsoever again) that even if I am starving (which I have been!!) I would rather whither away than dare to cross that path.

(I think there’s also a fear mingled in here that I may have to hang out w this person again – bc I used to feel obligated to do that befor abuse (though I never really liked person – felt sorry for person or guilty or whatever).

I worry that if I heal completely – then I’ll have to go back to hanging out again — and I don’t want that. it’s been soo nice to be FREE of any obligation there, despite all the suffering)

I know this is not rational. but the fear and terror were not ‘rational’ either – so this seemed to work. It’s kind of like ‘outsourcing’ the pain the anger etc — put it on the path, get it out of my life so I can ‘forget about it’ it’s not ‘on me’ etc. Which is FINE, until I need food!!!!!

I’ve done A LOT of energy healing work over 3 decades, have a lot of experience w distance healing etc etc. So I think that’s where this idea of ‘energy’ comes from (that and having seen ppl who can simply touch an object someone else has touched and get TONS info about them etc)

I’ve asked other healers about this – no satisfactory answer. Some have said “just tune in to a different channel”

(and this is also probably where trauma comes in – bc being on HIGH alert all the time (for ambush etc) means I can’t just blase’-like “turn the channel” I still feel like I need to be ‘protected’ from these ppl

Have been doing QH for weeks – there’s SO much coming up etc – but – I mean I still have this fear! it’s tough

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I have a sense it’s tied in with the fear I have that at the end of healing ALL FOO has to ‘come together’ and ‘hang out’ like ‘nothing ever happened’ etc

and I find that revolting

(perhaps also because one other FOO member was abused by this person yrs ago and has ‘just forgotten about it’ and hangs out all the time anyway – she claims she doesn’t like it but

a- I think she’s lying
but worse
b- I truly don’t think she cares to heal. She is perfectly fine living as she does and IMO sees nothing wrong w stuffing down trauma, ‘forgetting about it’ and just living a ‘normal life’ —

I cannot do this. Every trauma bothers me like the princess and the pea — I have intense need to GROW spiritually.

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I think this is the sticking point. Seeing injustice and they really don’t care and will just hang out like ‘nothing ever happened’

These are not narcs —

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I feel so afraid that I will ‘forget’ as I heal what these ppl have done and so I think I put these things out there so when I cross that path – I remember!! OH ‘these ppl are awful! you hate them’ type thing

I understand there are internal wounds I SEEEE that! : ) — but what these ppl did is ALSO not ok.

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So it’s like if your house gets destroyed by a hurricane – act of nature. You have to heal and rebuild (hopefully in a different way to prevent it in future ie not near the coast, wind-sustaining walls etc )

But if you’re house gets destroyed by neighbor – then what? You have to heal and rebuild (in a different way? to prevent it in future???) And when you DO heal and rebuild (I’m guessing in a different location) then what do you do with this neighbor?

What do you do with the ‘neighbor’ – the perpetrator

Do you say ‘oh well there were internal issues w my house” so neighbor’s off the hook, ‘forget about it’ and hang out like nothing happened?

Or do you say Ok there were internal issues with my house – I see those now I address those I care for self I work on those

AAAANNND now what do you do with this person?

I mean the person was still an a*********!!! regardless.

In my book – I walk away from ppl like that. And I did.

I don’t want to hang out with people like that – ppl who are unconscious, have internal problems and just spew them on others. not ok.

But I truly fear still a bit that if I heal completely I’ll forget all this and they’ll get the benenfit of hanging out with someone who’s clear and lifted and I’ll have to hang out w ppl I just don’t like.

And what if I don’t like them bc they were abusive? But I heal the abuse – do I then like them???

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This is where your FOO story confuses me

Could you please write more — did your parents also do a lot of work on themselves for their own issues? Or did you not really have such a bad relationship with them to begin with – were the issues not so bad or intense.

Your story of seeing narc on rooftop — now THAT one I LIKE!!!! : ) : ) : ) — you just say ‘oh ok’ like no big deal but then also say ‘let’s go someplace else’ —- to me that’s like: yes! Freedom.

Couldn’t people also do that with FOO non-narc???

Just simply walk away for no particular reason – and feel FREE to do this

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Ok we have internal wounds and come in w these ppl to stick needles in them — but then like the house analogy – what if that was it? I’d like to think: ok part ways!!! sayonara ppl!!!!! (but I’m so afraid of my ‘enlightened soul’ not listening to this from my hurt self)

Would you possibly write another FOO post?

And the energy thing – whew!! the coping mechanism

could you please address FOO options and other pathways?

Such as — clearing cleaning and healing and then NOT having to hang out w FOO??

Your story scares me – and also disensentivizes — looking to the future of healing, what is the path where one clears trauma and then is FREE?

As in FREE to choose whom to hang out w?

I am allowed to choose friends (and even wonderful friends with whom I have no problems one can ‘outgrow’ or just sort of lose touch or whatever — )

This has been a sticking point for more than 10 yrs bc I see it so often in terms of spiritual healing, like it’s a ‘goal’ to then hang out w FOO

But what if they’re NOT narcs and you just don’t like them?

At what point are we free??

Could you write a post or address this — are there pathways where ppl clear things up and then suddenly the shackles are released and they are FREEEEEEEEEEEE to go??

Thank you Ocean Breeze,

It’s my pleasure.

So much love to you and for your dear mother’s soul.

Mel 🙏💕💛

It’s been so beautiful Val over the years to see you Thrive!

Thank you for encouraging others!

Mel 🙏💕💛