It is not over valuing, it is wrong valuing and splitting. NPD families engage in splitting – a child can do no right and is not good enough,not do enough and never does anything right and one can do no wrong, and everything is due to thwm. The NPD comes from that. And families that devalue, but also value the NPD instead of realizing it is evil. But the major thing missing is appreciation. Idealizing replaces appreciation. Boastig, the need be better than, the need devalue, lack of empathy, but mostly confusing roles. But it is the lck of apprecatin of what is good and the over valuation instead of condemnation of the narcissism that creates the problem, as does perfectionism.

We live in a society that values competition over cooperation, winning instead of true achievement and makes excuaes for NPDs and those inthe dark side of the force instead of opposing them. And as such, the disaster is created.

My experience confirm the article that some and I suspect quite a few narcissists are over indulged and overvalued.
My 38 year marriage has been difficult and painful throughout, with continues lying cheating and what I now understand as gaslighting and total disrespect. I always blamed myself for not being good enough, pretty enough etc.
A few years ago I found out, in stages the full truth about my husband and quite soon afterwards I found my way to your website about narc abuse. I spend a lot of time reading books, listening to your webinars, and so on and all of a sudden my life became clear to me . It was such a relief to finally understand what has been going on for the whole of my 57 years…. as my mother is a fulblown narc as well.
For the last few years that I intensely started working on myself and gathered information, there was one thing I didn’t understand, which was that all the information on narcs said about this traumatic childhood.
Whilst this might have been the case for my mother ,it certainly wasn’t the case for my husband. He was spoiled , over indulged materials and emotionally, constantly told he was loved by his parents and never had any form of boundary put in place, never any repercussions to bad behaviour ( at least not by his mother and put on a pedestal of adoration..
This was very confusing to me as all the info around was saying about trauma or abuse in childhood., which certainly wasn’t the case with my husband who says he had a wonderful childhood. I totally agree with the article that overpraising and over indulging can be and I suspect probably more often a cause for narcissism than abuse or trauma.
My childhood and adult years were very abusive and I know many others who have experienced similar things or worse who all are wonderful people, deeply empathic . Some of them have married narcs but I don’t know any who have become so themselves. I have met children and adults though who were very spoiled, overpraised and over indulged ( I’ve worked for 27 years in a school who have shown a lot of narc behaviour and of course my husband who most defenitely is.
I must say that the articles that have recently been in the news about this topic have been a total relief to read as I kept thinking that I must be wrong about my husband, although he is a textbook narc in every way. Same for my friend who’s mother was a narc and was actually diagnosed by psychologist as such ,but was brought up very loving but very spoiled as the youngest.
To me this information has been a total relief ( and for my friend ) as that one area : the trauma/ abuse in childhood of the narc didn’t fit. I really don’t think it’s a small minority that have been overpraised and over indulged. My own experience and looking around my in my past and present I’m seeing this more and more. and I think that people need to know about this cause of narcissism.
Lastly I want to thank you for all the help love and support you give to people all over the world.
As for myself, I don’t think I would have been alive today as I wanted to die on quite a few occasions as I couldn’t see a way out.
I now feel strong and better every day. I’m not out of the woods yet but thanks too you feel happy and positive about the future. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Ps this is the 1 st time are actually wrote a reply.

While I agree with you on the whole, I wonder about a few things.

1. If every parent told their children they are “special”, this ought to mean that there are others who are “common”. Who are the parents, any parents, to say something like that? As much as they love their children, are parents not also supposed to teach their children self-control so that they as well as others won’t suffer from their weaknesses?
2. Looking back I do not believe that as a child my self-love was fragile: it was a very healthy feeling I had been born with. I do not believe you need constant praise in order to keep loving yourself. What you must learn from the adults are healthy boundaries so you will not un-learn this healthy feeling of Self.
3. Children are, in my experience, essentially selfish and self-centred. They need to be told that they are not better than anyone else. How can you tell your child it is “special” and believe it will not grow to think “Oh well, I may do this and that since I’m special?”
4. Not all children are born with the same nature. They are all different aspects of God. Some children are sensitive and timid, others are rather self-asserted and coarse. You can’t praise and encourage them all believing it can never bee too much: the already rough-natured ones will only learn to squeeze all sorts of advantages from you, and later from others.
5. My own cousin is a person I have disliked as long as I can think. Her father overindulged her in a way that she was a spoilt, nasty brat already by the age of two. She never changed. The last thing I heard was how she hurt and humiliated her own father (once publicly) who had always doted on her. Of course his “education” had been about him: he had wanted to give her what he had not had when he was a child. But please tell me, what is such a man supposed to do? Never to have children? I daresay 75 % of all parents have children in order to make up for some inner lack and use and abuse them in whichever way. What would you suggest? Should anyone who has a child first go through a test of his own self-love? They won’t do it. Having children is a human right.

I shudder to think how many people will read your article and willingly misunderstand it into thinking, “Why yes, I knew it, I can’t give my child too much. I will praise it every minute of the day and give it all sorts of silly toys and make it eat sweets until it has black teeth. Love will save us all!” Like we could only live on chocolate. Sorry, but I can’t bear it.

HI Isa,

yes your comment made perfect sense, and I agree with all of it – absolutely …

At the Quantum / emotional (real) level you have nailed it.

Mel xo

Hi Carol,

thank you for sharing your heart here, and for being a force of needed change.

Bless you dear lady.

Mel xo

I have a Mac – and have the same problem. 🙁