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This topic was going viral through the internet not long ago … with articles such as these: Do parents nurture narcissists by pouring on the praise? and Don’t want to raise a narcissist, stop telling your children they’re special.

And I really think it’s important to have a discussion about it.

Why?

Because it disturbs me.

I think this topic, “the danger of praising children”, is laden with misunderstandings, and if taken literally could cause more narcissism than prevent it.

I urge you to read this important article, as I believe this topic could have dramatic effects on our future generations if we don’t understand what is really necessary to help our children be the most “whole” that they can be.

And also so that FINALLY we can stop the unconscious damage that happens to children’s Inner Identities – the SAME damage that happened to ours.

 

Is The Major Cause of Narcissism Excessive Praise?

Yes, definitely excessive “praise” and entitlement can create narcissism, but there are much more common issues in everyday homes which create narcissism.

Such as: poor emotional intelligence, emotional neglect, emotionally immature projected messages that are laden with guilt, manipulation, untrue statements, blame and shame.

I am a little (actually a lot) astounded that a viral article hasn’t been written about those issues causing narcissism.

Also, as I will discuss later in this article, I don’t believe what the authors are talking about is “praise” or “valuing”, and I will explain why … when I get to that part.

When I posted about these articles on my Facebook page it was clear a limited number of people agreed with them – that their narcissist was the product of too much praise. However, most people stated that their narcissist was the product of childhood abuse, criticism and never feeling good enough.

This is what most people had to say …

“Statistics can be used to prove just about anything. May well be true in some cases, but the narcissists in my life were not much praised as children. If anything they were criticised a lot.”

“The narcissists I have experienced have all been criticised, never good enough, you work for uncontainable praise, actually sadly quite broken as children.”

“I had a hard time getting on board with this ‘study.’ I’ve known plenty of narcissists (family members, friends, lovers…) and all of their childhoods were filled with neglect, instability and were constantly devalued. It’s almost as if their narcissism is an overreaction to not being nurtured or praised enough by their parents.”

Personally, I tend to agree, not just from personal experience with both of the narcissists I was abused by, who had suffered immense emotional neglect, criticism and violence as children, but also within the thousands of cases that I have personally seen since I began this mission back in 2007.

Absolutely, I have heard of narcissists that were over indulged and over-praised, but I have to say they are few and far between.

 

What I Believe the Real Danger of This “Not Praising” Message is

Wow – where do I start?

If you hadn’t guessed, I’m passionate about this, but also a little annoyed because I KNOW firsthand, personally as well as professionally, what happens when children are not recognised and do not receive adequate approval.

I know it creates narcissists and co-dependents.

It creates people with defective self-esteems who are forever seeking outside approval, rather than being able to generate it within themselves.

Children are empty little sponges who begin life with not yet formed Inner Identities. Their Inner Identity takes form in response to the messages received from the environment.

Children are not born with an intact self-esteem, they need to have their worth mirrored back to them.

They need to know that there is a HUGE difference between “You did something wrong”, and “You are wrong.”

And  …  “You are loveable for being you”, as opposed to “You are loveable only when doing, achieving or being this certain way”, which is sadly a common mode of parenting in today’s society.

Children need to know they are worthy of love simply because they are a being who exists.

Messages of conditional love created all sorts of maladaptation – the agony of inner emptiness, and then not having the ability to self-soothe, or self-generate “wholeness”. Then this “gap” needs to be filled from the outside; by stuff or other people as a futile and precarious (conditional) attempt to feel “whole”.

This is the ABSOLUTE cause of narcissism / co-dependency – they are two sides of the same coin.

As far as I am concerned these articles are running dangerously close to promoting exactly that.

How can NOT letting children know they are worthy, special and valued for being “them” be healthy?

 

The Lack of Consciousness In Our World

Narcissism is NOT a psychological issue, and it can’t be cured or prevented psychologically.

It is a spiritual issue.

It is the human perpetuated illusion of “separation” that has generated so much fear and created the disastrous divisions, devastation and aggressive world as we know it.

And now we are endorsing beliefs that telling a child they are special will make then “entitled” and “better” than others?

Isn’t this really because we are not teaching our children the real truth that we are all “One”?

As long as religion and other myths enforce “separatism” and “differences” (meaning never being accepted by God or damned to eternal suffering for not conforming to a certain philosophy) is it any wonder that we can’t embrace that we are ALL “special” and “acceptable” unconditionally simply because we exist.

Being stuck in the illusion of “separatism” allows the illusion of comparison. Comparison is a product of the ego – it is one of the most painful aspects arising from the illusion of separatism.

So, is it any wonder that we are fearful of generating the belief: “I am better than you?”

Yet, if the perpetuated myths of separatism were eliminated, we would all organically adore and embrace our own and other people’s specialness and worth, and start feeling that and behaving accordingly.

And we would definitely stop the narcissistic fearful defensiveness, one-upping, and trying to destroy each other.

It is incredibly sad, within defunct human consciousness, that we are now spreading messages about NOT telling our children how much we value them. Not infusing them with how wise and special, kind and wonderful they are – because we are frightened that they will start behaving like narcissists.

THAT is the exact OPPOSITE of what we should be doing …

 

The “Specialness” of Our Children

How tragic it is that we can’t recognise that our children ARE special.

This new generation, and the ones to come, look at the way we have done life … with our control, our fear and the way we have pillaged our planet of resources, forcing ourselves into constraints and pressures to consume manically … rather than go with the flow of the symphony of nature and life, and how we have been excluding, demeaning and judging and mercilessly killing each other in the name of righteousness … as insane.

So many young people see this, and KNOW and STATE how self-defeating it is … they don’t agree with the way we live, and nor should they. They cellularly know and feel the madness in it.

They care about our planet, they care about what we are doing to each other, and they don’t want petty discrimination, separatism, and war any more …

So please, rather than trying to take young people down a peg or two – thinking they are lazy, unmotivated, rebellious and prone to be narcissistic (as if that ISN’T a massive projection of our own stuff) … bother to speak to young people, bother to feel into them, and deeply connect with them, and you will see what their natural, organic view of the world is.

And how much MORE naturally evolved it is than ours.

Our children are our teachers … they are our hope of evolution, they are the new wave, they are the new breed who will create change.

There is not one parent that I know, who is connected to their child, who does not recognise the incredible wisdom and soul awareness their child has which is light-years ahead of our own.

So why wouldn’t we want to acknowledge our children are special, and nurture them to be the incredible shining lights that they REALLY are?

It is madness NOT to …

 

These Articles Are Not Talking About Praise

The message being passed around is: “Excessive praise creates narcissists.”

When I googled “the definition of praise” these were the results: express warm approval or admiration of, express one’s respect and gratitude towards, the expression of approval or admiration for someone or something, and the expression of respect and gratitude as an act of worship.

All of these definitions have a beautiful, warm, expansive energy to them. They are a wholesome energy statement that can only promote more of that.

The “praise” that these articles is talking about is NOT praise.

Let me explain. …

Children are NOT stupid – the child who became a narcissist, right from the beginning felt the unhealthy “praise” received from an immature undeveloped highly co-dependent or narcissistic parent as insincere.

The “praise” was never about the child specifically, and it was NOT authentic.

Authentic praise can only be delivered from an authentic emotionally healthy person.

THAT is the real issue … it has nothing to do with “praise” it has to do with the intention and the emotional lack of health of the person delivering faulty versions of praise.

In these cases (the articles) this has nothing to do with “praising” or “valuing” a child – excessive or otherwise.

The “praise” was about trying to groom the child for mining of energy (manipulation), or using the child as a pawn to hurt someone else (devalue another by comparison), or pump up the child’s accomplishments to get attention or significance from others (narcissistic supply), or to try to project one’s own wanted significance (generated from feelings of dire insignificance) onto the child.

Those were the main narcissistic reasons.

Or the over-doing of “praise” was so that the parent could feel better about themselves … with motives like this … Being a “great” parent may ease my feelings of depression and failure. Or … It will help appease my guilt for what I have put this child through.

These are the main co-dependent reasons for inauthentic praise.

This “praise” entered the child’s body (subconscious) not as authentic esteem building energy – it entered as toxicity that created great damage to the child’s Inner Identity.

Because it was NOT about the child!

It was ALL about the parent!

Until our world understands and acknowledges energy statements, emotions and how our subconscious works, forms and reacts, then naturally only the surface level is looked at – and I believe that is EXACTLY what these articles are doing.

Unwholesome energy coming from unhealed inner emptiness / pain only creates more of that.

This is not “praise” – it is dire unhealed unconsciousness that our world does not address.

And if it WAS addressed … and adults were healed enough to be authentic rather than acting out of their own unhealed wounds, then any child being told they were “special” is going to organically develop into more “wholeness”.

Because the statements of appreciation, approval and worthiness would be generated from a parent being authentically loving, and authentically recognising the child without agenda.

It would be a parent flowing “wholeness” through them.

Then, not only is this child likely to develop healthy self-esteem, there will also be an overflow of this child’s Inner Being – generating more wholeness, specialness, love and connection with others and Life itself.

How can loving, wholesome, authentic energy NOT create that?

 

Communication Recognition

According to Brad Bushman, in the first article, the compliments of telling her “You’re very smart.” Or telling him “You’re a very special kid” can create narcissism.

Whereas “You worked very hard” creates better self-esteem but keeps the ego in check.

As far as I am concerned the last statement can make a child believe he or she needs to accomplish something in order to gain recognition.

I believe it is essential that the child feels special – simply because they exist.

Isn’t this a creation of “Who You Are”, rather than “What You Do?”

No-one ever lies on their death bed wanting recognition for their mansion, sports cars and numerous degrees. They want recognition of the love they have granted and shared – they want recognition of connection.

Connection and happiness truly only occurs from the inner development of “Oneness” and the resources to connect.

People at the end of their lives want to be recognised as being a great family member, lover and friend. They want to be known as a wonderful human being.

I believe there is no issue in congratulating our children on achievements, as long as we ensure they understand THAT is not why we love them … and we totally accept, love and support them regardless of what they do or don’t achieve.

We love them just for being them.

Liking ones achievements does not equal liking – or more importantly – loving and unconditionally accepting oneself.

It makes self-love and self-acceptance conditional.

Until a child loves and accepts self (needing that modelled by parents first) they cannot organically develop into an adult who loves and accepts themselves.

No child is ever going to connect with others healthily until they have learnt to love their own Inner Being and connect with that.

According to the article ….

“‘Self-esteem basically means you’re a person of worth equal with other people,’ Bushman tells Shots. ‘Narcissism means you think you’re better than other people.'”

This is what I really want to say about the spiritual deficiency here …

How can a child know they are worthy of being “equal” unless as a child their worthiness was fully acknowledged?

How can anyone value another and see them as “worthy” (equal) until they have learnt to value themselves?

How can you respect, love and revere others until you have learn to be that for yourself?

We see and treat others how we see and treat ourselves. Others see and treat us how they see and treat themselves.

It all gets back to the VERY necessary inner job of “self-worthiness”.

Now … to challenge this statement: “Narcissism means you think you’re better than other people” …

NO narcissist believes they are better than others. That’s a front, and a very flimsy one. Narcissists KNOW inherently the devastating feelings of NOT being worthy, hence the constant cracks of childish outbursts and narcissistic injury / rage at the slightest provocation.

If they REALLY thought they were great and “better” – that would NOT happen!

The issue here is NOT about bolstering children’s self-esteems to the point of narcissism … it is about DAMAGING their self-esteem and devaluing them – because that is the ONLY way narcissism is created.

When anyone genuinely and authentically accepts the fullness and truth of their specialness, then organically they revere all beings with divine love, compassion and respect.

They ARE whole.

There is no possibility of narcissism in that.

 

Other Parts I Have Issues With

I found this part of the article quite surprising …

“Bushman made sure to focus on children between 7 and 12 years old, so that by the time the study finished all of them would be older than 8. ‘You can’t measure narcissism in children before age 8, because every child is a narcissist,’ he says. If you ask younger kids in a classroom if they are good at math or good at baseball, Bushman says all the kids will raise their hands.”

I found this really interesting, because I remember some years ago when I held meditation classes for children, I was so saddened by the amount of children 5 – 10 years of age who stated how poor they were at things.

In all of those classes I was lucky to have 10% of the class as confident children …

Was I dealing with children from another planet?

Also this statement I find misleading …

“Parental warmth doesn’t predict it (narcissism). Parental narcissism alone doesn’t predict it. But parental overvaluation alone does predict it.”

Wow – how frightening that parents may get turned off valuing their children now … and totally believe that warmth (I’m assuming this means “love”?) is not a necessary criteria to protect their children from becoming narcissists.

Thank goodness the message at the end of the article included “I love you” as an important message. This is the only part of the article that I absolutely agree with.

 

The Messages I Truly Agree With

Here are some examples of genuine healthy praise that raises the self-esteem of a child, and also generates more consciousness in regard to connection with others.

I really want to share with you this message, which my good friend and fellow NARP Member Suzanne shared on the Facebook conversation …

“Since I am an early childhood educator, I am aware that all the research about self-esteem indicates that children develop good self-esteem when given unconditional positive regard by their primary caregivers and other adults.

Self-esteem also is internalised when children receive unemotional feedback in regard to their actions. In this way, they are not shamed but receive feedback about specific actions and behaviours that are not internalised in a shameful manner. Telling a child that he is a good boy, or that his drawing is fantastic can be a bit confusing to a child because he will not know what makes him good except to internalise his caregiver’s idea about what the caregiver perceives is good. He will also not realise what about his drawing is good either.

If we, as responsible adults were to change this feedback to something like ‘John, I really like the way that you shared your toys with Joanna just then. That was a very thoughtful thing to do.’ OR, ‘Joanna, I love the way that you used that red in your painting in your sunset. It really adds something special to your picture.’

In this way, children get to see the results of cause and effect and can internalise what exactly they did that had a positive impact on others, or what they do that is valuable to others, or is appreciated by others. If they get enough feedback that is genuine and can see that it is true feedback that fits with what they believe about themselves, then this funds a solid sense of self.

Another way to boost self-esteem is to share feelings honestly with children so that they receive feedback about their actions on others. For example, little Joey bites little Claudia. Little Claudia is angry, hurt and upset. A caring adult supports her while she shares with little Joey, how his action has impacted on her. All that is said is ‘Joey, I am angry with you because you bit me on the arm and it really hurts. I want you to not bite me again next time. Next time, please tell me you are upset with me and don’t bite.’ 

This is said in small pieces so that the child can say the whole message and little Joey is told that he must keep eye contact with Claudia while she is sharing her feelings with him. Little Joey then has the opportunity to hear how his actions impacted on Claudia and has a consequence for his actions to repair the damage that he has caused her that will mean something to her.

With young and older children this works really well and kids love it because they can put words to emotions that they cannot articulate yet. It works with kids younger than 3 and they feel vindicated, seen and heard for their true little selves. They also feel empowered and confident and in a class of 20 little ones, all the kids feel safe, unencumbered by a backlog of negative feelings and can get on with their day. The classroom is a happy environment too.

In this way, the child sees that he or she is valued for the true self and who that true self is, is validated and all children see that they are valued and no-one is more important or less important than anyone else.

That has been my experience and that is why I love teaching young children.”

That message included so much wisdom and truth! I can’t thank Suzanne enough for sharing this message with us all.

This other message I also found incredibly special comes from another dear friend and NARP Member Teresa.

“Ever since I started teaching I have been saying these words to the birthday student in front of the class. Reminding them of how special and precious and significant they are simply because they exist.

I received notes like this from my dear students.

It was the best gift ever to read words that the heart longs to hear. It would have been okay if never shared with me. I know my worth. But to know someone wanted me to know that these words also applied to their teacher and that she needed to hear them is more precious than gold. Thank you.”

These pictures CLEARLY show the results of evolved recognition of children –done from a “whole” space without agenda, or the projection of one’s own wounds.

This is in STARK CONTAST to the theory that “too much praise” would create self-absorbed little narcissists!

What did the recognition and approval of their True Selves do? The only thing it could ever do – generate more consciousness, Oneness and wholeness.

These children are passing on the over-flow of love, connection and wholeness that has filled them.

These children have awaken to their True Selves and are responding from that place.

THAT is our job with our children … To recognise, salute and introduce our children to their own divinity.

But we will NEVER be able to do that authentically until we have healed enough to accept our own divinity.

I hope I have given you real food for thought.

And I really hope you work on yourselves enough to flow authenticity and Source truths through you. Ones which are full of love, warmth and appreciation for your children – in such ways that you truly connect with them.

Our children are sacred, and our world needs them to be as healthy, empowered and authentically whole as they can be.

We all went along with, allowed and created a huge global mess, and it is going to be up to our future generations to sort it out …

So let’s do all we can to help them see and actualise Who They Really Are.

 

Please Spread This Important Message

I feel incredibly passionate about this topic, because how we raise our children is going to have a dramatic effect on the future of our world.

Are we going to make the same mistakes that our former generations did?

Are we going to make our children earn love, approval and worthiness in all sorts of maladapted ways – ways that hurt them and hurt others.

Are we going to continue the separatism of “I am superior or inferior” because there has never been an essential relationship developed with “self”.

Not praising our children, due to fear of breeding narcissism, will create more separateness and feelings of unworthiness – ultimately leading to a new breed of co-dependents and narcissists.

Instead we need to show our inner children they are special because they exist – unconditionally.

We need them to organically know and embody their worth without conditions – and then they will do what individuals with authentic inner worth do – grow up to be spectacular human beings sharing their missions collectively.

Please share this article – by doing so you will be contributing to the global mission of raising consciousness and dissolving damaging human illusions.

And please share with me your thoughts about this topic, I will respond to all comments.

 

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59 thoughts on “Does Over Valuing Our Children Create Narcissists?

  1. Is there something wrong with the formatting… the ends of the lines are cut off for me. Is it just my computer or are others having this problem? Thanks!

  2. I read the article a few days ago, I read about 2 paragraphs and rolled my eyes. Whoever wrote this does not know what he is talking about. Sorry, that is as far as I could read it.

    Okay if we teach a kid to think he is better than others, sooner or later his high horse will break a leg, they can be cured. But not so with a genuine narcissist, there is no cure for them, except for that tiny minority that have the courage to face their demon and choose to heal. (perhaps they are not full narcs?)

    That article was like saying developing one’s imagination causes schizophrenia. Utter rubbish.

    That leads me to a question for you Melody, do you think surrogate work would be helpful to a narcissist? I personally have seen surrogate work help narcs, but not to the point of cure.

    1. Hi Stephen,

      the issue I have with surrogate work with narcissists is a) they are not genuinely giving consent – it is “attention” (supply) that they want – someone else focusing on them, not genuinely to “get well” – and 2) it is generally being done by a co-dependent who wants to change that person in order to gain safety, love, approval or acceptance from that person instead of generating that directly with Life themselves.

      I have also known people try surrogate work on narcs and suffered intense psychic / energetic backlash as a result … sometimes to really toxic and dire levels.

      The only time I would even consider surrogate work on someone drastically unconscious is if that was our own child – and even then there needs to be parameters, and a lot of one’s own self-work focus going on at the same time.

      I really don’t believe surrogate work on narcissists is either healthy or effective.

      Mel xo

  3. I grew up with a narcisist who was treated by her parents as ‘special’ but it was always a message of being better than others and putting others down (very difficult growing up like this). She is now as an adult extremely entitled and puts others down to build herself up. She doesn’t treat others as equal, because that would not allow her to feel more special which is what she needs for her to feel whole. She doesn’t treat others respectfully because she thinks she is entitled to special treatment while everyone else isn’t, she thinks she is more worthy. I’d say this is the type of narcisist the article is talking about, but you pointed out exactly that it’s about the parent needing that child to get them attention, etc. Its not genuine unconditional love for the child.

  4. No probs for me, Mel on the viewing topic. All print on page.

    I am so fortunate in that my Mum made all five children feel special in a unique way but not better than the next person. She valued who we wrre but our career was for us to choose. I’ve naturally passed this on and watch my kids being like that with theirs. Seeing you print there words is helpful in showing how I was raised compared to the narcs in my life. Having grasped this has rendered them powerless somehow. I want to be better at spotting them so I don’t allow them too close to my heart. But with your help I am getting there. Thank you.

    1. Hi PaulineBro,

      that is so true – that difference in parenting style.

      There is a great miscomprehension that we need to “look out” Pauline …

      What is more true is that we need to show up in life as really authentic. Speakig up, trusting ourselves and be willing to investigate, confront and have “those conversations” if necessary -without the fear of abandonment or rejection.

      Then there is no possibility of being narced …

      It isn’t about learning all we can about narcs … it is doing all we can to develop ourselves – unlevelling our “gaps” that allowed it to happen to us in the first place.

      Mel xo

  5. Great post Melanie!
    Gives me hope & keeps my faith in the balanced and loving approach with my young son while co-parenting with my ex narc.
    My son is just 4 years old but seems wise beyond his years. Honest, open and loving.
    Thank you for all your wisdom x

  6. the narc n i are just two different sides of the same coin. this resonated with me. truly mindblowing. and mindnumbing 🙁
    no wonder we are drawn to each other. we are desperately seeking to be made whole.
    why can he never get there but i can??? i dont get it?
    im missing something here…

    1. Hi Helene,

      Please keep reading my articles …

      This you need to understand – subconsciously there is a seeking to be whole – but that needs to become “conscious”, which means embracing and facing and healing our own wounds – rather than trying to force another person to do it for us.

      Anyone, to heal, needs to “awaken” to this, and actualise it.

      Narcissists are deeply unconscious – there is too much False Self takeover … they have no desire to become conscious and take responsibility for their inner childhood wounds that they have spent a lifetime, and a False Self creation to avoid.

      That is why.

      Mel xo

      1. Mel, what you have just said in answer to Helenes comment, is so true that I have written it in my journal! I have been on both sides of the coin. As a child, I was very spoiled with material possessions, and over-protected to the point of being smothered. Some may say I had parents who were just doing their best, but alas – no. My mother was a Narcissist, and Dad was her devoted enabler. To them, I was a cross between an ornament and a pet. I was constantly told that we were better than our neighbours, and I was not allowed to make friends or play with other children, as they were all of a lower class, according to my mother. I was very creative and artistic, something which my parents never praised me for, but would brag to others about my achievements. They used my accomplishments to make themselves look like good parents. As you say, unhealthy praise, and not authentic. When I got to about 12/13 yrs of age, and they could no longer keep me prisoner in the home, my mother turned on me. I got the big discard and devalue in grand fashion. I was called a slut and a tramp for wanting to be friends with other kids, I was put down and criticised in every conceivable way. I know, absoloutlely, that I could have become a Narc, but I went down the other fork in the road and became a chronic co-dependent. And I KNOW this was a result of having no positive or healthy praise. I was NOT made to feel loved for being me, but for how good I could make THEM look……….x

  7. Wonderful! You really hit on something here and I believe you really made it clear.

    I would point towards Marshall Rosenberg’s NVC here and look at how he praises and says “thank you”. I don’t know that anything here goes too much further than what he might say about some praise being used to manipulate vs. some praise simply being praise for improving one’s experience. I honestly believe that if i stuck to this communication techniques it would be a huge red flag for meeting a narcissist. I had learned NVC and often used it but this particular person insisted on me not speaking in that manner.

    1. Hi Benjamin,

      it is very true that Non Violent Communication is healthy – it is a soul-to-soul communication that holds the space for deep reverence and respect for everyone concerned.

      And it is not agenda seeking, it is healthy connection for the sake of healthy connection.

      Non-authentic praise is NOT that.

      Mel xo

  8. I accidentally stumbled on my narcissist husband in the middle of a 3-hour lecture of his oldest son, telling him all sorts of crazy ideas about how ‘special’ he was, and telling him how to handle the boy’s mother (his ex) and how she would never understand him fully. My husband had been raised by a narcissist mother; she paraded him in front of her friends and showed him off, but he suffered horribly from neglect and significant problems. Watching him hand this down to his son was an eye-opener for me. He is now out of both of our lives, and I pray continually for his sons, that they might not repeat the same problems as their father.

    1. Hi Marcia,

      thank you for this share – because that is exactly my point … how narcissists use “praising others” as a tool …

      Sadly it is the only reason narcissists do anything – to gain ground … and it is done in maladapted ways.

      It is very, very sad the damage it causes.

      That is so great that you are now free.

      Mel xo

  9. I believe children need to be guided in moral and spiritual directions that promote truth and love. Praise without truth is not authentic love. As much as we need to acknowledge encourage and praise them so we need to correct discipline and challenge them when they are off. This is about boundaries and not turning a blind eye if our children behave destructively toward themselves or others. ‘Oh my kid is so awesome, they can do no wrong’ mentality. Having said all that, the very foundation of parenting is one of deep present love that indeed remains constant through the ups and downs and does not shame when our children struggle, nor does it over praise when they do well. I absolutely adore my daughters no matter what and even when they may behave poorly. They know they can count on me to explore who they are as human beings all aspects of that, with open unconditional love. They drink in the rewards of praise and they can speak also of their struggles, they do not need to hide and be perfect for me, nor do I pretend they are perfect. We all acknowledge our struggles. This is, as I see it, integrated and such a joyful place to live.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      I absolutely 100% agree that boundaries are all a part of healthy parenting … and with parents who may be co-dependent or narcissistic there is likely to be a big deficiency in healthy and consistent boundaries.

      One cannot teach what one has not embodied for self.

      I also soooo agree with you – that LOVE just “is” … it needs to be a consistent energy … and you have expressed this beautifully.

      How, how gorgeous that your daughter can be loved and accepted as “themselves” with you – however they need to show up.

      That is exactly the unconditional love I am speaking off that builds a wonderful love and acceptance with “self”.

      Authenticity being the massive key – with you leading the way.

      Thank you for your gorgeous share.

      Mel xo

  10. In my Narc’s specific case, I think it had to do with his mother’s justificacions and excuses for his actions. If he hit a child in the park she would do the apologizing and tell the afected child’s mom how he didn’t Mean to do it (and he didn’t need to do or say anything at all). If he brought home someone’s toy from school she would simply let him keep it because they couldn’t afford the same toy instead of returning the toy. To this day she convers and takes responsability for his short comings, his family enabled him to tranfer money from our accounts to theirs, sued me in court so he would be allowed more visitation time with the kids through them, lied in court for him, helped cover for him when he stole my car, etc. Nothing he Ever does is wrong in her eyes… He is 43 and still lives with her after our separation 2 Years ago, uses her car, refuses to get a Job so he has very low child support payments (which he doesn’t meet anyway),and she still uses his diminutive name…

    1. Hi Claudia,

      yes very, very sad .. he never learnt how to take personal responsibility, or how to develop into his own generative source with life.

      Absolutely he was enabled to remain powerless.

      Mel xo

  11. Thank u so much for this article. My ex is a narcissist/borderline and we have a daughter who is now 16. We constantly clashed over the raising of our daughter b/c I didn’t ever agree with his inconsistent, non-accepting method of parenting.

    He was raised by two narcissists who were of the very critical, never good enough variety.

    When my daughter was about 11 she remarked that “dad doesn’t accept me for who I am.” True words. I have raised her with appropriate praise and appreciation for who she is as a human and have gently led her in the direction she needs to go.
    Since her dad has moved out (finally) she is really stepping up and taking responsibility and I’m so proud of her. Without that horrible negative influence, my good parenting has helped my daughter blossom. We still have normal teenage issues–but I’m seeing a beautiful, non–narcissist child emerging,so I know that one strong, emotionally balanced parent can have a positive effect.

    I also help people leave toxic relationships via one-on-one and group coaching. I left behind the fear, confusion and feelings of never being quite good enough and take great joy in helping others feel confident, loving and happy again. And I raised a great daughter!

    1. Hi Diane,

      you are so welcome.

      The wisdom of our children is amazing – and she nailed it – the real issue with the way he related to her.

      How gorgeous that your daughter is blossoming with your love and guidance!

      I agree that one healthy parent is all that is needed – and many more parents need to hear that message to stop being victimised, do their inner work and step up in order to be that healthy role model.

      Beautiful Diane that you are doing your life work!

      I LOVE that!

      Mel xo

  12. Mel

    This is exactly the way I feel!! Loving and supporting our children is essential. Also, telling them they’re great and wonderful when they don’t attain a goal is crucial to PREVENTING narcissism. It’s the fundamentals which validate they’re loved exactly the ways they are.
    Xo
    Jill

  13. Tremendous letters and sharing from Suzanne and Teresa!! I am so proud to be a part of the Narp community. Thank you Melanie for articulating what praise actually IS with such laser-like precision. Praise is supportive of the child’s True Self. That cannot have any other effect but create more space for more of their True Self to emerge.

    This is what the evolution of humanity IS. Point blank!

    I used to receive outlandish praise from my disordered mother and then twist myself into endless cognitive knots trying to figure out where she got that information because I knew I was not deserving of it. It was not praise, it was flattery that she WANTED to believe about her child. Then other times there was intense accusation of being spoiled, and I didn’t feel like that was me either.

    Children know on a soul / source when we adults are reflecting their ultimate value and when we are not. It rings true so deeply in their beings and they just blossom and glow!

    We are ALL children of Source, and every child, including our own inner child, inherently knows it’s infinite value. If we can start everyone out in life from that point of acknowledgment right from early childhood, we can see big, sweeping, beautiful changes in this world in our lifetime. Thanks to people like you Melanie and others like Teresa, Suzanne, and everyone who is working on their inner healing to True Self function, we are already feeling the exhilaration of this new way of being.

    1. I just wanted to add, I know that on a human level, taking on the false identity beliefs from early childhood reflected by adults is inevitable because they are in Theta brainwave with no boundaries to the subconscious. And that, when we reflect their true, unconditional value to them, in rings true in their soul and they blossom.

      If it rings false to their soul, they will still take it on as true on a subconscious level, but the wound will have to be healed later or else it will continue to create havoc and more woundedness in the next generation.

      On my own personal journey of recovery, I have realized that: Receiving a combination of unrealistic flattery and alternate criticism (a borderline personality disorder pattern) created me as hopelessly confused about my true worth and value. Working through these wounds and healing them now with your Narp and TFOOW programs is helping me feel better and better on a daily basis. It is great to shed these unrealistically high or critical self evaluations and discover true self love and self support. It’s like waking up from a coma! =D

    2. Hi Pamela,

      I love what you have written and shared here …

      I agree, I feel so blessed to be a part of the NARP Community, and be a part of the movement to greater consciousness.

      There is no better trip to be on!!

      Absolutely without all of us growing into the development of our True Selves – wholesomeness, beauty, true relatedness, mutuality and REAL love can’t exist ..

      There could only ever be the pain and power struggles of false substitutes … which sadly has been the vast human experience.

      It is totally true that every child knows what is authentic and not – and blossoms if it is, and become severely arrested with their True Self development when it is not – hence the requirement to heal our co-dependency – which in truth was the “splitting from ourselves” – because of the wounds we took on from our parents that they had not healed.

      I tingled when I read “big, sweeping, beautiful changes in the world in our lifetime” … I agree we will, I believe we already are too …

      I am SO excited about this!

      Mel xo

      .

  14. I totally identify with Diane and Claudia, my ex narc/P and I never agreed on parenting and he was never consistent. He would tell me how everything I was doing was wrong. Thankfully I was with our children 90% of the time because he was always too busy. He couldn’t even remember their birthdays!!! They are both late teens when I asked the ex to move out they stayed with me by their choice. Of course he says I’m controlling them, they both laughed at these statements and said no the controller is gone. I have always just accepted and loved my children, we talk about mistakes, we talk about triumphs, we talk about our feelings, I don’t base their value on any of this. They know they are valuable just because they are.

    1. Hi Butterfly55,

      How gorgeous that you have had such a “real” connection with your children.

      That is what is so developmentally important.

      Your children are very blessed to have you as their Mum.

      Mel xo

  15. I think you’re over-reacting. Bushman etc. were testing the theory that parents who tell their children they are MORE special than others risk raising narcissists. Their results resonate strongly with me. Both of the narcissistic men to whom I have been close were the first sons of neglectful, moderately abusive men. Both were raised by their mothers as substitute sources of affection and substitute objects of adoration. There’s no doubt in my mind that this over-valuation by the mother was one (perhaps the only) source of their entitlement. (There are other aspects to narcissism, of course, to which no doubt their fathers contributed!)

    I think you’re over-analysing a bit, too. Children don’t need to hear how ‘special’ they are. That has no meaning to a child. Adults forget that to a child, life just Is, a kid just Is. I never lacked praise as a kid. I was left in no doubt by my whole community that I was the brightest kid in the school, the prettiest girl in the playground, the best player on the team … but it had no meaning for me. I was just being me. Even as a little girl I realised people see only the externals, no-one saw Me.

    Bushman has nailed it. What I lacked was exactly what he identifies – warmth. Self-esteem arises from the **internal** knowledge that one is deeply known, understood and cared for – and parents can’t ignite that artificially.

    Parents only need to be honest. They love their kid? Then say so. They like their kid’s work? Say so. Their kid makes them happy? Say so. But, don’t over-egg the pudding. There’s a downside to cleverness etcetera. It separated me from my peers. It made me feel different. It hampered my ability to reach out and that of others to reach in. It attracted endless envy, sometimes spite (interestingly, mostly from adults, not my peers). It was one of three strands to my life that, together, left me lonely and ultimately ‘co-dependent’.

    Parents, be honest. But no more than that.

    1. Thanks for the article Melanie 🙂

      To Lucy, I was also praised for things like athletic ability and having different kinds of talents. I didn’t have great self esteem when being around others and am also codependent I think. I was wondering if you thought about how different you would have felt if you wouldn’t have received the praise granted to you? Would you still feel as capable and confident to achieve and be? I’ve pondered this for myself because I have grown up with people who didn’t always receive the praise and then kind of lacked internal self belief I guess. I think for me I see how important it is for people who didn’t receive it..

      1. Yeah, I’m all for praise, as long as it’s ‘real’, it really lifts your confidence in how you interface with the world. But, that’s external. You can’t praise a person into inner confidence or security.
        I grew into confidence in my intellect and physical abilities, but no amount of praise could make me feel attractive or comfortable in society, the reason being that I had attracted a child predator and I didn’t feel I had anyone to confide in, least of all my mum. What would have worked for me is parental warmth (which, to me, equates to engagement, fun and especially, empathy). It took a long time to work through it all alone – but the reward was self-esteem and security.

        I broke my arm recently and mentioned to a friend how much attention, and kindness, you receive when you walk around in plaster and she replied, “Yeah, then you wrench your back and you get no sympathy at all”. It’s so true!
        People believe in what they see. I don’t doubt my internal distress slipped past because I looked so good on the outside, good at things, doing well at school, popular (though unable to reciprocate effectively).

        I guess I just get a bit irritable when people obsess about what to ‘tell’ their children. The whole world seems obsessed with ‘telling’ these days. What about the better half of communication … just listening, stepping back and absorbing the cues … could be your children might ‘tell’ you what they need to hear!

        1. I pretty much am on the same page with what you are saying. Haha if that matters.. I guess I was just confused about what you wrote earlier about not necessarily needing to tell children they are special… But now I think I see that you meant not overly praising and instead meant being authentic and honest about it ( and the reasons as to why you praise). I’m very sorry to hear your story. I wish you all the best and all the warmth that you deserve.

      2. Hi Emily,

        you are so welcome.

        I agree with you too – but still …. there is a deeper praise and worthiness that we all needed …

        Knowing you were worthy, loveable and acceptable just for being you.

        That is how true authentic wholeness is created. And if we did not receive that as children, then we need to co-create it with Source as adults.

        Otherwise we are always feeling the pain of codependency.

        Mel xo

        1. Yeah I think I had good feelings about my abilities in life, but not unconditional love and acceptance. I definitely need the just knowing of unconditional love for myself. Not sourcing love from outside of myself. Thanks again for your program and for the chance to believe in great possibilities in life again:)

    2. Hi Lucy,

      I believe we are talking about the same thing …

      Children being recognized as “special” for “them”, for their being … because if that is not established naturally other “special” statements are hollow …

      That is the recognition that is most vital, and absolutely what most of us never experienced – you included.

      Mel xo

  16. The words at the ends of the lines are cut off. Can this be fixed? I’d love to share it! And I love how your passion for this topic shines through, Melanie! Thank you for making some very important distinctions. I think this applies to how adults praise each other, too, doesn’t it? (i.e., couples, siblings, friends, co-workers?)

  17. Like a few others, this article brought tears, as I believe that this is at the heart of everything. Children are so precious and so vulnerable, and incredibly knowing, even when tiny. To feel valuable for who we are, and not for what we do is so important. My siblings and I were subjected to parenting that was neglectful, harsh and abusive and we have all been very co-dependent. Not unusual for the era. I am 53 now, and am only just knowing my value. It has taken a long time and several narc relationships to bring me to healing. The paradigm has to change, and I am so grateful that I can be part of the change. Good on you Melanie for being courageous and challenging the status quo. Much respect xx

  18. Hi Mel,

    Very well put 🙂 I agree with many of the points you’ve made and the following
    things came to my mind:
    *firstly, that it all comes down to genuine happiness – that is derived from self-love – as happy people don’t put other people down etc. They don’t have to. Happy people can afford emotionally to be generous, kind, supportive etc. because they don’t need anything from the outside of them – as they are already happy. So everything they give out is ‘for free’
    *secondly – I think you’ve mentioned before that our bodies don’t feel the difference between judging oneself and judging another – it’s all the same negative sensation. And that’s a proof that a narc can’t think they’re better than others ( truly) or as good as others or any sort of real contentment with themselves as a being. If they did, they would treat others like that too.

    In general, good article, myself I’ve been wondering somethimes how to raise children properly so that they can be truly happy with themselves, whilst being compassionate and considerate towards others.

    Btw, I hope this comment makes sense, I’m a tinsy bit tired and sleepy 😉

    All the best to everyone,

  19. My mother, narcissist, and my ex-husband, pathological narcissist, were well cared for, not neglected, could do no wrong and ended up being horrible people. I have not known a narcissist who was neglected. The only thing they want is to be the center of the of attention, so anyone or anything that gets in the way is something to be destroyed.

  20. Dear Melanie,

    While I agree with you on the whole, I wonder about a few things.

    1. If every parent told their children they are “special”, this ought to mean that there are others who are “common”. Who are the parents, any parents, to say something like that? As much as they love their children, are parents not also supposed to teach their children self-control so that they as well as others won’t suffer from their weaknesses?
    2. Looking back I do not believe that as a child my self-love was fragile: it was a very healthy feeling I had been born with. I do not believe you need constant praise in order to keep loving yourself. What you must learn from the adults are healthy boundaries so you will not un-learn this healthy feeling of Self.
    3. Children are, in my experience, essentially selfish and self-centred. They need to be told that they are not better than anyone else. How can you tell your child it is “special” and believe it will not grow to think “Oh well, I may do this and that since I’m special?”
    4. Not all children are born with the same nature. They are all different aspects of God. Some children are sensitive and timid, others are rather self-asserted and coarse. You can’t praise and encourage them all believing it can never bee too much: the already rough-natured ones will only learn to squeeze all sorts of advantages from you, and later from others.
    5. My own cousin is a person I have disliked as long as I can think. Her father overindulged her in a way that she was a spoilt, nasty brat already by the age of two. She never changed. The last thing I heard was how she hurt and humiliated her own father (once publicly) who had always doted on her. Of course his “education” had been about him: he had wanted to give her what he had not had when he was a child. But please tell me, what is such a man supposed to do? Never to have children? I daresay 75 % of all parents have children in order to make up for some inner lack and use and abuse them in whichever way. What would you suggest? Should anyone who has a child first go through a test of his own self-love? They won’t do it. Having children is a human right.

    I shudder to think how many people will read your article and willingly misunderstand it into thinking, “Why yes, I knew it, I can’t give my child too much. I will praise it every minute of the day and give it all sorts of silly toys and make it eat sweets until it has black teeth. Love will save us all!” Like we could only live on chocolate. Sorry, but I can’t bear it.

  21. Hi Melanie.

    My experience confirm the article that some and I suspect quite a few narcissists are over indulged and overvalued.
    My 38 year marriage has been difficult and painful throughout, with continues lying cheating and what I now understand as gaslighting and total disrespect. I always blamed myself for not being good enough, pretty enough etc.
    A few years ago I found out, in stages the full truth about my husband and quite soon afterwards I found my way to your website about narc abuse. I spend a lot of time reading books, listening to your webinars, and so on and all of a sudden my life became clear to me . It was such a relief to finally understand what has been going on for the whole of my 57 years…. as my mother is a fulblown narc as well.
    For the last few years that I intensely started working on myself and gathered information, there was one thing I didn’t understand, which was that all the information on narcs said about this traumatic childhood.
    Whilst this might have been the case for my mother ,it certainly wasn’t the case for my husband. He was spoiled , over indulged materials and emotionally, constantly told he was loved by his parents and never had any form of boundary put in place, never any repercussions to bad behaviour ( at least not by his mother and put on a pedestal of adoration..
    This was very confusing to me as all the info around was saying about trauma or abuse in childhood., which certainly wasn’t the case with my husband who says he had a wonderful childhood. I totally agree with the article that overpraising and over indulging can be and I suspect probably more often a cause for narcissism than abuse or trauma.
    My childhood and adult years were very abusive and I know many others who have experienced similar things or worse who all are wonderful people, deeply empathic . Some of them have married narcs but I don’t know any who have become so themselves. I have met children and adults though who were very spoiled, overpraised and over indulged ( I’ve worked for 27 years in a school who have shown a lot of narc behaviour and of course my husband who most defenitely is.
    I must say that the articles that have recently been in the news about this topic have been a total relief to read as I kept thinking that I must be wrong about my husband, although he is a textbook narc in every way. Same for my friend who’s mother was a narc and was actually diagnosed by psychologist as such ,but was brought up very loving but very spoiled as the youngest.
    To me this information has been a total relief ( and for my friend ) as that one area : the trauma/ abuse in childhood of the narc didn’t fit. I really don’t think it’s a small minority that have been overpraised and over indulged. My own experience and looking around my in my past and present I’m seeing this more and more. and I think that people need to know about this cause of narcissism.
    Lastly I want to thank you for all the help love and support you give to people all over the world.
    As for myself, I don’t think I would have been alive today as I wanted to die on quite a few occasions as I couldn’t see a way out.
    I now feel strong and better every day. I’m not out of the woods yet but thanks too you feel happy and positive about the future. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
    Ps this is the 1 st time are actually wrote a reply.

  22. I forgot to add that my brother and sister are also married to a clear narcisist, not surprising as my mother is one.
    Both my brother in law and sister in law were idolised and one overpraised by parents.
    This strengthens my belief that over indulgence creates entitled and often narcisitic adults, much more than traumatised children.

  23. As a scapegoat in a narcissistic family, I thought the article was great. The Law of One, the real religion.

    It is not over valuing, it is wrong valuing and splitting. NPD families engage in splitting – a child can do no right and is not good enough,not do enough and never does anything right and one can do no wrong, and everything is due to thwm. The NPD comes from that. And families that devalue, but also value the NPD instead of realizing it is evil. But the major thing missing is appreciation. Idealizing replaces appreciation. Boastig, the need be better than, the need devalue, lack of empathy, but mostly confusing roles. But it is the lck of apprecatin of what is good and the over valuation instead of condemnation of the narcissism that creates the problem, as does perfectionism.

    We live in a society that values competition over cooperation, winning instead of true achievement and makes excuaes for NPDs and those inthe dark side of the force instead of opposing them. And as such, the disaster is created.

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