I see this experience as less than loving self. I see it as desperation for love. Before I met the narc my dignity depended on how I am seen in society at large. It was therefore important for me to be seen as a girl with high morals. The girl who is not easy to get. A girl whom every man would be so happy to have. My self image and self love depended on me taking pride in all that. I felt like by striping me of all that he actually took away my identity as a person and I could not make a connection with the new girl I was being told I am by a narc.

This is how I saw the new girl. Loose, no pride, average and desperate for a man. I didnt like this girl so I really had a hard time accepting her.
But I had no choice but to come to terms with my new reality and accept that that my reputation is out the window and the good two shoe girl is gone. No matter how much I tried to save her by trying to prove myself that I am a good person to the narc’s friends, they simply were not interest and down right ignored my desperate attempts.

so now I am left with the 2 options. Its either I accept the girl that the narc says I am by his actions or I re-invent myself to be the best me I can be, even much better than the girl I was before I met him. The former option was not an option for me and thats where the hard work began. I made a commitment to myself that I will not give up on me even if the whole world does. I committed to show me some love everyday even if I did not feel like it. I promised myself I will cure myself of this desperate need for validation from the outside. I was going to be my number one supporter since anyway I was the only one who understood the depth of my pain. Most importantly I prayed to God to give me power and strength to give up my need to be understood. I think that was my biggest down fall. I was loosing people who cared about be only because I would get really upset when they dont get me and understand my pain the way I wanted them to.

Today 10 months later since the grand finale I am still in a healing journey. I am in a much better space than ever. I find myself so excited to live again. I never thought this day would ever come. I thank people like Melanie who kept on saying in each every article she wrote “Cammon you can do this. I was once like you and look at me now I am on the other side and its toatal bliss” Well I paraphrasing there, not her exact words. But the promise of the bliss on “other side” was the only thing sometimes that kept me holding dear to no contact in some of the darkest days. It was more like a promise land that, though in pain, I wa 100% sure I will make it. I knew one day I will be free, and today is that.

I went through a phase of being horrified at the illusion he and I created, at how I’d believed in it, and how empty, what a waste of time it was. But no: it was a mistake, that’s all. You have to make them in order to learn.

I like the idea someone had above – that she (being, like me, childless) treated him much as a mother would a small boy – endless help and reassurance, always there for him, not minding his nastiness. Indeed he lives with his parents still, and at times I felt I was “becoming” his mother – eerie, horrible feeling.

All that yearning after this magical man, who was there for maybe a few weeks or days, and then receded and receded – always chasing after that mirage!

He’s just some man I had a thing with that was a mistake. He doesn’t matter.

It’s a long haul, I know it.

PS I had my own version of “the gun incident” a contributor refers to above. He was driving me home one night – came up to a red traffic light at a crossroads where you could not see all the traffic coming – put his foot down. I thought he was going to kill us both. He did an emergency stop, and jeered at my fear. They do work along very similar lines, these men. Still: we survived them. And they are far behind us now.

Since I commented last, my ex sent me an email which automatically went to my trash folder.He thought he saw me on the highway he said. Personally, I think hes trying to see if Ill respond. I wont. Im stronger than that.

I never knew there was a name for the guy I was dating until I became curious about the true definition of a narcissist and looked it up via the internet.
During the time we were dating, my ex was initially very much a gentlemen (or masking his true colors). He was the first guy to provide flowers for me, he cooked dinner for me, etc. But along the line, things changed and he became very particular about what I was wearing and if I looked good enough, and the perceived weaknesses he thought I possessed. During my final semester and student teaching of college I warned him that I would be super busy but he expected me to drive thirty minutes to spend the night with him (on his terms) so he wouldn’t be by himself. Over time I noticed how much appearances and being the center of attention mattered to him. He would take longer to get ready when we went out than I did and would still criticize me if I didn’t look good enough for his standards. Things worsened over time and while I cannot get out the true turmoil I experienced, he showed his true colors especially by :calling me fat, telling me to go “f- myself” whenever I exclaimed I wasn’t sure things would work out with us together, declaring he was going to commit suicide or come to my parents house to talk to me in the middle of the night about working things out while my parents were sleeping. I felt isolated from my friends and I spent more time around his friends and family than my own. Looking back now, his family is very similar to himself (I believe my ex- is the way he is as a narcissist) because he was always pampered and showered attention- as his family expects the same and unreasonable amounts of it. The next to final straw for me was one night my ex told me not to move while laying in bed and he moved a gun that was in the drawer of the nightstand over top of my body to his side of the bed. The next time I saw him he drew the gun to the side of my body laughing, thinking it was funny, me exclaiming it was not.

I believe now I’m at a very different place than I was the last time I saw him (the gun incident). It has been very, very hard and I still struggle. I struggled more prior to learning what a narcissistic was because I wanted things to work out so bad and I think in a sense, I was addicted to him and our relationship (which was a whirlwind)but maybe because of who he initially appeared to be to me. What I’m seeing flash in front of me now are all the warning signs I should have seen and listened to (from peers, what he’s said about his ex- who I know he has now hurt too). While we had been off and on, he dated two other girls, came back to me, and now he has moved on to another girl.. when I did allow contact he noted “Everything happens for a reason”. The same exact thing he said when I entered his life. I worry he will hurt future partners as well.

For a while the hardest thing for me to live with and which also made me hold on to him despite his abusive behavior was he gave me HSV1, genitally. Genital Herpes Virus 1. I still am not sure as to whether he truthfully knew he had it or not but I continue to struggle with this, hoping someone will be able to love me for me because I will tell my future partners about my virus. (Everyone deserves to know, I didn’t really have that opportunity).

Melanie, I want to thank you for the strength and courage you have given me to move on and learn from my past. Most importantly, to think and learn about this experience as a whole in a different way. (I couldn’t move on or even try to move on prior because I was stuck in the same rut feeling sorry for myself). I will NOT contact my ex. I have downloaded three of your E-books and they are helping me empower myself and learn more about the narc. and his personality. Thank you for empowering me and helping me learn to let go and move on.