Comments on: How To Divorce A Narcissist Part 2

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In reply to Jean. It's good to get a fresh way of looking at it.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Sun, 19 Jul 2015 22:08:33 +0000

Another profound read for me. Thank you….it feels therapeutic on a cognitive level to reframe the victim mentality into something so healing, yet responsible. Thank you!!!!

By: Coco

Coco — Fri, 10 Jul 2015 09:30:02 +0000

Hi Melanie,
I just left my husband after 14 years of marriage. He is a textbook example of a narcissist. We have a 6 year old child together and my fear was that my son would grow up to be just like his father and finally we left. As I think about the time I have been with my husband- he has job hopped every 18 months, always claiming that someone “wronged” him at the office or that his hard work and dedication went “unnoticed.” He has gotten DUI’s, one time blaming me because I showed up at the bar and told him not to drive and get in my car but he refused and drove off like a maniac. He said if I hadn’t shown up, he would have had no reason to get upset. He spends money and makes large purchases without even discussing it with me- expensive watches, cars, huge bar tabs etc… In the past when he is up to no good, he will simply ignore any phone calls or texts from me. Then in 2013, he had an affair with a woman who he called the “one that got away.” She was a narc as well and their relationship was volitle beyond belief. My husband threw their affair in my face, accepting phone calls from her at all hours of the day and night, sneaking off for hotel romps and then when the relationship fizzled he came crawling back and me being the doormat took him back. Months after that he gets in a bar fight that leaves him with a Traumatic Brain Injury and I felt like he really needed me and got further sucked in to his manipulation. He ended up losing his job and I became the breadwinner. I have a great job but he looks at my position as insignifant except when I get paid and then he wants the money to pay the bills because he says I don’t know what I am doing when it comes to paying bills. Then in 2015, he meets this 20 year old girl that he says has a “bright” future and he gives her $2k to get an apartment which I discovered after the fact, gave her an iPhone, got her a job, disappeared with her for a week without so much as a text or a phone call. Then when that fizzled out he came crawling back and I took him back yet again. He hides behind his phone and sends text messages to destroy people. He was upset about something with my brother and sister and sent text messages to them as well as my 16 year old niece, bringing up personal struggles that they had endured. He nearly destroyed my family with what he had done. He was hoping I would cut ties from my family. Then more recently he sent the most despicable text messages to our neighbors, prompting them to call the police. He justified his actions by telling me that these neighbors didn’t like us anyway and what did I care. And literally my entire street, un-friended me on Facebook and began to ignore me because of him. As a father, he is lazy and only tolerates our very active son when he is well behaved. When I go on business trips, he needs to hire a sitter to help him because he can’t handle taking care of our son. If I go out with friends which is rare, I am bombarded by text messages and most recently I was at the movies and he texted me to order him food because he didn’t have the number to order pizza. He never helps out with the house so I am forced to do everything. I absolutely hate the person that I am around him. I am always stressed and end up yelling all the time and that’s not me. My son and I are at my parents now and this environment is so calm and happy. My husband can’t accept that we left and keeps saying I ruined everything and he is so depressed over the leaving and that I am stealing his son from him. Funny thing is that when he feels like he needs to clear his head in the past and leaves the house- he could care less about our son. Since my parents live two hours away from my house, I need to figure out so many things. I used to love my house and how much love I poured into making it beautiful but I realize that it wasn’t a home and just material things. I know I made the best decision for my son and I, but there are times that I feel that he can suck me back when he sends pictures of our house and the projects he has completed to make it even more beautiful but I know he manipulating me.
I am happy to have found your blog. I am trying to heal and will be meeting with an attorney next week. This has been such a difficult process especially when my son tells me how much he misses “daddy.” My husband thinks I am just throwing a temper tantrum and will be back under his control once again. The more I recap my life with him, the more I realize that this was a toxic relationship where I would give so much and all he would do is take.

By: lec

lec — Thu, 09 Jul 2015 17:50:49 +0000

I’m so grateful to have found Melanie and her work. This article came so timely for me as the past months I have been going through what to do with my situation of whether I should go ahead with divorce in court or out of it in mediation sooner or later. It’s been over a week since I brought the NARP. I’ve listened to the modules but haven’t completely dedicated some good quality time to doing the work of clearing away and releasing the fear and pain.

My kids are home from summer vacation and I get distracted so easily but I must make my healing a priority. Before I found the program, I was so overwhelmed with decisions that I have to make concerning leaving the narc but now I decided to put that on hold to work on myself first so that I don’t operate in a state of fear and pain.

Two years ago I wanted to leave the marriage and almost filed for divorce but ended up hooked and got pregnant when I complied to his demands due to fears. I don’t want to make another mistake of getting hooked back in this time but my baby is one now and I will stay because we live together in a two family house and he is on the top apartment while I stay in the lower apartment with my kids. He comes down all the time and I don’t know what else to do with modified contact since we have the kids (13 yr old boy, 10 yr old girl and one year old boy). It is a hard choice to make not to move out yet until I work on myself.

A month ago I went to court to file petitions for order of protection and custody and child support. The judge gave me a temporary order that he is not allowed to come into my bedroom. Since he received the order, he had been complying. He wants me to work things out with him without going to court. He told me to settle out of court with mediation if I want separation or divorce agreement but we should do it after the summer vacation.

But he really thinks it’s best financially for our children’s future if we stay married and work together. There is really no love in this marriage and just fighting on both parts due to our critical and negative natures. I was tired of being angry so much of the time and hurt due to his unemotional, insensitive and critical behaviors. Now he’s telling me that he will no longer be easily angered because he won’t be so stressed out with taking our daughter to school anymore. She will attend school closer to our home now.

He asked me if I can drop the order and if I will show up to court on Monday for the return of process on the order of protection. I want to drop it too but not sure if I should since we are both under investigations by ACS. He wants shared joint custody and will pay half of child support for my time with them and all assets will not be touched until our sons are finished with college. I’m thinking if that’s the route he wants to take, I should cut my losses and take it to leave in peace. I had planned on moving back to our old home that we rented out to a tenant and let him stay at this house. He told me that he will put money into renovating the house and we can move in together but is willing to stay away until I’m ready to have him back. The tenant wanted extra money to help them to move out sooner. Now we both think that we can stay in this two family house instead and live on different floors as it will be easier for the kids.

I don’t think the petition for child and spousal support will be granted if I stay in the same house with him. I am so tempted to work with a good lawyer I found to get the divorce agreement going but at the same time I think I should wait until I clear away my pains. He kept telling me to do mediation and not get lawyers to help us. It will be 17 years of marriage this week for us and the past 13 years has been long as I was working on changing and healing myself in preparation to leave (I wish I found this NARP program sooner). I first left 12 years ago when my first son was 8 months old and lived at my parents’ home for 8 months before going back to him. Nothing changed between us as we continued to fight and argue all the time. I tried leaving two more times in the last 10 years and gave up and gave in with depression and a surprise pregnancy. I was really so angry with myself for wavering and not making the divorce quicker before I fell prey to him. He uses mental illness against me all the time saying I have a family history of mental illness. My sister has schizophrenia and brother have bipolar. I know he thrives on driving me mad and demented with nothing left to myself but an empty shell. Yet it’s hard to imagine him leaving me alone if we ever get divorce since he wants keep me and the children for narcissistic supply.

Please share with my what your opinions are concerning my situation. I appreciate feedback. There’s confusion here and I’m afraid of the confusions that I can make more mistakes by not working on healing completely yet.

By: Kay

Kay — Wed, 08 Jul 2015 23:31:07 +0000

In reply to laura. Hey there, Laura, See if there are any community outreach programs that might help you get on your feet. St Vincent de Paul may be in your area; contact them. You have translations skills? What country are you in? There may be jobs available you do not know about yet. Do you have any friends you could stay with, perhaps? Please keep us posted.

By: Erin O'Brien

Erin O'Brien — Wed, 08 Jul 2015 19:00:45 +0000

Hi Melanie

Where to begin…. I wish I had this information some 25 years ago. I need some help now. I divorced my narc ex-husband some 8 years ago after a very very long 17 year abusive marriage and continue to have problems with him to date. I really understand some of the stories I have read here on your site, especially about the narc bi-polar daughter. It could be my story.

Here is the situation I continue to encounter.
I am very happily remarried and will be celebrating our 3rd anniversary this weekend. However, my ex narc continues to battle me in court for everything and anything. I am forced to retain my attorney of 8 years and respond to his almost comical allegations. Most of the allegations involve me paying his attorney fees, etc. If I do not respond, then I accept the consequences. We have prevailed in most of the cases. The problems I have is when will this stop — if ever. Second, when we win and I have awarded attorney fees, he doesn’t pay. We are forced to get Contempt Citations, Process Servers, etc. and finally at the 11th hour he pays. He has now moved out of state, so when the judge orders him to pay, we will have to get a bounty hunter, along with everything else to get him to pay. Any suggestions on how to get him to just leave me alone. I
love my new life. Happiness, peace, tranquility and LOVE. Will he ever move on or can I expect this for the rest of HIS life? On another note….. I haven’t heard from my daughter in almost 7 years. I was devistated for years about her nastiness towards me. I came to the conclusions that she is an adult and she alone will have to live with her choices. Honestly, I am somewhat relived that she is with her narc father. I don’t have to worry about her nasty behavior, stealing, lying etc anymore. I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you for your reading materials. I think your ideas work, especially on up-levelling. There is no way that he would have taken our daughter at a young age, as it would have interfered with “his life”.