Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Divorce A Narcissist Part 2

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 11
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

There really is no wonder that divorcing a narcissist takes the level of trauma of divorce to an unprecedented level – when we consider things such as: the cruel discards and replacing with new partners, new partners attacking you as well as the narcissistbattling over custody and property and the financial losses that generally happen as a result of the relationship, and whilst dealing with legal systems and narcissists in general.

I want to discuss each of these points one at a time.

Being Heartlessly Replaced

I know for many people this has been excruciatingly painful. My heart goes out to everyone who has experienced this, is experiencing this, or whoever will.

It is part of our human makeup that we can feel intensely devastated when someone who professed to once love us, moves on, and hooks up with someone else as if we never existed.

Additionally, there are some narcissists who are cruel enough to rub the formers partner’s nose in it with the demonstrative information about – oh how wonderful the new partner is.

Just to clarify that particular trip 

Narcissists firmly believe they are the victim and YOU hurt him or her … So they believe punishing you is justified. And … all new partners are glorified as the best thing since sliced bread. It’s all part of a narcissist convincing him or herself that this person is AWESOME narcissistic supply – it gives them the best possible hit of the “drug”.

I had it happen to me (like most people) from both narcs. First narcissist when I discovered he was out dating, after professing how much he loved me and wanted me back, (I was hooked badly and trying to stay away) … I caved. I broke contact, because I was so devastated.

It took me a long, long time to get over the thought of him with someone else.

Naturally of course he has been connected to women continuously. I was told not long ago inadvertently (I certainly don’t go looking for information about him …) that he is on Wife Number 4 now!

I truly couldn’t care less (I haven’t for years), because he and his life, like all narcissists, is NOT my reality.

Narc number 2 replaced me the day after I said “No More!” (the last time I ever had contact with him). Initially after finding that out, I felt the “punch to the gut”, but within a day of Quanta Freedom Healing shifts it was totally cleaned up – and there was no backward glance, no pain and no obsession about him.

Rather, there was a profound freedom, and even greater sense of being anchored in “love” within myself and even more closure and relief.

And a total knowing that however “that” relationship worked out – was truly none of my business, because it was in the hands of Life and all was in perfect and divine order.

Needless to say that relationship (again inadvertent messages that came to me) ended up EXACTLY the same as his and mine did – issues, drama and breakup.

Why am I not surprised?

But truly I couldn’t have cared less, even if they got married.

Naturally, of course, this took inner belief system shifts and a lot of inner development. It took the healing of two narcissists to get to this level … a lot of work on myself to release all of the powerless illusions that my life was nothing without these people, and reversing the old beliefs about not being able to be a Source of love and life-force to myself.

My journey with N-abuse has taught me firmly that “thinking” is not the answer to the many anguishes that can hit – and shifting wounds out of my body is the true solution instead.

It really is the same for all of us …

The shifting, is about finding the origin of every insecurity, every assigning of someone else as “our source of love”, every part of ourselves that feels “I am worthless if I’m not loved by another”, and every part of us that feels like love could never be ours … and releasing these wounds and bringing in the ultimate Source Love that “just is”.

Then there are no delusions, no craving someone that is not genuine love, and certainly no missing “love” because we just BECOME it.

And this is appropriate and healing and resurrecting beyond measure – because you can’t “get” love – you can only “be” it.

And then we have the ability to attract and generate more love in our lives.

I PROMISE you this: There is no part of our True Self anchored in Oneness and Love that is in love with an abuser, misses an abuser or wants to be back there …

These are your wounds talking – your False Self – not your True Self.

That’s why we need to shift to that state. We need to become that level of consciousness.

People have asked me – after all I know, and being in the position I was, why I didn’t warn the second narcissist’s new victim.

I had no intention of doing this. Some may think this was heartless … but I knew firmly that getting involved was not the answer for me or for her.

(I’ll get to more about this soon …)


The Illusion That the New Relationship is Wonderful

I feel enormously for the people who think that the new partner is going to get it all, that everything is wonderful, or that their ex is madly in love with the new person.

This is smoke and mirrors … if the person who replaced you with another partner is a narcissist.

Remember back, (for most of us) didn’t your relationship start off as you being the most adored, showered with love person on the planet. Wasn’t it a lagoon of floating in love bliss?

And then … didn’t you become the sworn enemy smeared to all and sundry and treated with the utmost contempt and cruelty?

Yes …

And so WILL the new partner … and the narcissist, at the very least, will move on emotionally (it was never a real emotional relationship in the first place) if not physically and create new sources of supply because this one can’t appease an unappeasable ego.

And, the narcissist will do what narcissists do – all sorts of unsavoury things behind this person’s back as well as progressively tell them all the reasons why the narcissist is not happy with them.

That’s right the narcissist will devalue this person mercilessly, just like the narcissist did you.

NOW – here is the VITAL disclaimer on this information – I am NOT telling you this so you can try to repeat my words to yourself a million times over to try to get some peace and closure.

I am telling you that simply because it’s a fact … but you need to know this …

No amount of logical regurgitating such as: “Is she / he better than me?” “Is she/he with him or her because of  ….?” “How long before they break up?” I wonder if she/he does this or that with him/ her?” is going to STOP simply because I have granted you this information.

If obsession has grabbed you like this,  you can try as hard as you like – but it won’t.

Because logical thinking has no ability to address powerful traumatic subconscious programs – the ones that the narcissist found, attacked and has brought up to the surface for you.

These wounds that are now so incredibly hurt and devastated after being discarded and replaced.

It is the addressing of theses wounds inside you – your gaps – your fears and insecurities that match exactly the stuff the narcissist did to you that needs to be shifted and healed, and that is when you will get REAL relief … and not until.

This is the reason why, for myself, narcissist number 1 “moving on” was excruciating, whereas narcissist number 2 was a very simple process for me to move beyond. Not because of them being different experiences but because the way I dealt with it was different.

Second time around I had a deep and powerful tool (Quanta Freedom Healing) to do the work directly on my subconscious.

It’s here that I will share with you why I didn’t warn narcissist number 2’s new woman …

The first reason was because I was the last person she would believe. I had been smeared to the sky and back and of course she would want to believe him.

Just as the partner before me tried to warn me, and I didn’t believe her. 

Yes, I am really sad that was the truth – and it was. However … I am sadder for her and the anguish she went through at the time trying to warn me than for myself – because I am grateful beyond words that I “suffered” narcissist number 2.

Just as much as I am grateful for narcissist number 1.

Because I needed these monsters (teachers) in my life to show me the unconscious parts of me that I needed to heal.

Also … regarding narcissist number 2, I still had more to go – not just for me, but also for deeper understandings to share with this Community.

The gift of these narcissists was the same for me as all of us – narcissists show us our fears and wounds in a more “smashing” way that anyone else ever could. They smash us so open – there is nowhere else to go but experience these wounds.

Like many others to date, cleaning my wounds up from the inside out has given me the opportunity to feel like I am the most loving, incredible, free and confident version of myself that I have ever known.

So … I hope you can deduct from this – the greatest reason why I didn’t warn her, was because I knew she was going on the epic journey of meeting her wounded parts – a journey that at some deep unconscious level she signed up for in order to be granted the most incredible opportunity within her impended breakdown to truly heal and find herself.

No-one can be with a narcissist unless they are wounded, and unless they have critical unfinished emotional business to heal … no-one. So please know the “new” partner who replaced you has, at soul level, chosen to meet their wounds face on.

The question that only they can and will answer is: Will they awaken? Will they take on the necessary evolution for themselves?

So I really urge you to heal yourself to a level where you can accept the higher perspective … and you can have compassion. Because these are not people stealing your lover/ partner / spouse … these are all people who are fellow travellers.

I have been fortunate enough to meet 3 of the discarded, battered and traumatised women now, who were my replacements, or who I replaced –who reached out to me, (or who I apologised to) as a result of our personal journeys.

And I know for all of them (just as it was for me) – all of it was meant to be. Even if I was able to stop “that” narcissist in their path of “coming home to self”, another would have arrived to take his place.

Why try to stop what needs to happen?

My motto is: Absolutely help and guide people that come to you but don’t try to stop people’s evolution by interfering … because you will profoundly screw it up for them.

(How often as parents do we do this to our children by interfering and controlling?)

If you are deeply traumatised about being discarded and replaced, I can’t recommend to you enough to track the trauma in your body and find and release the connected wounds (Module 1 in NARP is the starting point for this) … and then it just won’t hurt.

What happens is … when we get our powerless wounds up and out, the space for evolved organic truth can enter and simply arises within us. With this wisdom comes an incredible freedom and peace.

And we see and know the truth.


Is the New Partner a Narcissist?

For those of you battling with the narcissist’s new partner who is also attacking you – I want you to know this …  your anger, resentment, fear and pain about “that” creates a powerful half of the magnet.

You need to take the charge out. You need to no longer be a part of that magnet. That is your greatest and highest mission.

Then the attacks simply won’t happen. It’s Quantum Law … they can’t.

Again this is about finding the related wounding inside of you that is the other half of why this in your experience.

This I also want you to know … it is REALLY easy to mistake the new partner of ex narc as a narc her or himself.

really, really want to dispel this theory!

Two narcs together I believe truly, is really, really rare – even impossible. Narcissists normally smell out other narcissists at 100 paces (and detest them), so why on earth would they take on another empty demonstrative ego as a romantic partner?

Yes, narcissists will attempt to flatter, sidle up to and control each other (especially those of influence) in business settings, but this is because often there isn’t other options. There are a lot more options available in the dating field … which is rich with the easy pickings of co-dependent enablers.

If two narcissists teamed up in an intimate relationship, how would two massively insecure highly triggered people cope with each other’s disorders? Who mines who? Whose paranoia creates the most manipulation? Who wins the “I have to up-the-ante” destruction battle? What crazy toxic walking on egg-shell drama would unfold with pathological projecting and massively insecure self-images?

I want you to understand this … the “attacking” partner will be highly unconscious … absolutely (otherwise he or she wouldn’t be in relationship with a narcissist), but highly unlikely to be a narcissist – and SO much more likely to be a co-dependent who goes on mistaken crusades believing: “I have to give, love, defend and support my partner with everything I have or they may not love me.”

THAT is what is REALLY going on.

Approval seeking.

This new partner has been lied to and believes the narc’s lies because let’s face it the partner you believe is the answer to your prayers has to BE believed. This will include all the information as to why YOU are so dangerous, such a liar, such a horrendous, cruel and abusive ex-partner, and so terrible to the children etc.

So rather than being incensed … believing this person is making your life “hell”, labelling them, despising them and fighting back …

… GIVE all of that up.

You are playing right into the narc’s hands … it’s triangulation at its finest. And if YOU are still on the hot list (something more to siphon out of you) the narcissist may use the fact that you are at war with the new partner against her. 

THIS is how you handle this … please pay attention … I really want you to hear this because I fell for triangulation regarding ex-partners, and defended the narcissists.

PLEASE shift yourself out of feeling persecuted, and emotionally move toward compassion and love for the new partner.

Empathise with her or him (from a distance of course – do it emotionally within yourself) … remembering how you too bought the lies, made excuses for, defended and backed the lies even when something inside you knew they were questionable or simply NOT true.

Why? Because you didn’t want your ship going down. 

You didn’t want to lose the “dream”.

Now because you have let go of your resentment, victimhood and persecution regarding the new partner’s treatment of you, you stop being the other half of the emotional magnet with the attacks.

Then the attacks will shift.

The simple truth is – your peace within will generate your peace without.

It’s Quantum Law, nothing else can happen … if you genuinely shift and raise your consciousness. This goes for the partner AND the narc … and all horror that is happening here.

I have had women in the community, who were dealing with the new partner (dubbed narczilla) DO this and later report that the new partner rung them up wanted to meet for coffee, apologised and then asked them advice about the narc husband!

Before shifting themselves the new partner was their worst nightmare.

That’s how powerful shifting yourself is.


Custody Battles With Children

This one affects me more than any other of the issues I help people with within the Community.

As parent and someone who is sooo pro-active about us all up-levelling and healing for the sake of our children and their children – I feel very passionate about this topic.

I was very fortunate with N-abuse, that none of it involved custody battles.

I have, however had a lot to do with men and women struggling and dealing with custody battles. Please hear me when I say … I can’t even begin to imagine how traumatic that would be and how it would trigger every protective instinct within you like a mother or father bear protecting your cubs … however this I do know, and have seen unfold time and time again.

The healing path is exactly the same as I am already describing.

Fighting back with intense emotion only hooks the abuse up harder. And is a sure-fire way for the narcissist to punish you severely with the legal system – because he / she is energetically loading up the gun with your bullets (traumatised emotions) to shoot you with.

As I have explained time and time again, narcissistic abuse is energetic – it is not logical, and what is really going on is mostly taking place beneath the level of what you are consciously aware of.

Narcissistic abuse is an energetic / emotional phenomenon that teaches us POINT BLANK that we are only effective creators when our internal emotions are aligned with the outer realities that we want to create – and that there is no beating narcissists any other way.

Now here is the stumbling block – what could generate more fearful, painful and anxious emotions than your children?

I think we all agree – nothing.

So therefore it can be extremely challenging to get our head around the initially counter-intuitive understanding that you have to lose the pain, fear and anger regarding what is happening. As a parent … protective and survival instincts kick in and you react …

What you need to understand is this: Survival instincts may work for animals in the wild, but they have disastrous consequences (like all our survival instincts) in a man-made constructed world that is no longer based on “laws of the jungle”.

What is really required is an evolved consciousness of calmness, solidness and maturity.

Because if you don’t find a way to lose the heightened states of negative emotions, narcissists prove to us time and time again – we will simply get MORE of that in our experience with them.

The legal system will not see your side of things … the narcissist’s lies will be upheld, and you and your children will continue to suffer.

I did a series on exactly this topic regarding our children and narcissists … and here are the links here if you have not read or listened to these articles containing information that I believe every parent needs to understand.

How To Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists

Parent’s Empowering Themselves For Their Children’s Sake

I want to share with you this story about one of my clients – because it will really help you understand the path to take.

This client Danya is separated from the narcissist, she has two young children and is engaged in a custody battle as we speak. Danya is totally dedicated to her inner healing journey with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, and she has been able to, in the last year, move past any pulls, addiction or longing for him, and there is no longer any trauma left in her body regarding the abuse. She has no feelings for him and no obsession about their previous relationship, and is moving on wonderfully with herself and her life – but naturally she is very concerned for the children, and also the mounting cost of fighting him in court.

He is going for more and more access, as well as trying to change and monopolise the children’s sporting events – claiming it is all about granting them the very best – which is quite ironic because as a family father he was never around or interested in the children.

This has incensed Danya greatly (as it does a lot of parents), and she has felt incredibly frustrated that the court is taking him seriously. She is terrified that she is losing her children to him.

Danya called out for help and together we deeply investigated what was going on within Danya that was creating her as the other half of the magnet which was allowing this to be in her experience.

What we found were wounds concerning her feelings of utter powerlessness as a young girl with her narcissistic mother – when she was bullied, and had no personal choice, and all decisions and rights were stripped from her.

Identical to what the narc was attempting to do through the legal system now.

At the end of our session Danya had shifted into a whole new state. One where she had more acceptance and peace and she felt like she could face the next hearing with facts … without the terror, fear, devastation and pain that had been there previously. The emotional charges of the wounds of Danya as a small girl … all being replayed back to her.

Because Danya was now up-levelled as a result of applying Quanta Freedom Healing to those inner wounds, she was showing up as adult Danya, now able to cut through the rubbish with much more intelligence, wisdom, sophistication and power.

Truly, truly I promise you this … that so much of this journey (including the awful parts of child custody) requires doing what you can, coming from a place of peace … and then letting go.

Danya and I ended up having a laugh together at the thought of the narc (“Father of the Year” NOT) if he did get the rights to take the kids to all these sporting events, being lumbered with ALL this “duty” thinking it would punish her. However Danya would be “up-levelled” instead and simply taking some time out to enjoy herself.

We could NOT have had this conversation before the Quanta Freedom Healing shift, because her wounds were too involved … but once they were out of the way, she could see the ridiculousness of what he was fighting for.

Something that he would get sick of real quick.

Narcissists, truly need your negative energy to keep punishing you in regard to the children. Without that, they fall back into being the empty mess they really are.

I have seen time and time again that even IF the narcissist wins in court – when the non-narc parent up-levels, the narcissist loses interest in trying to use the children as pawns to punish you or get narcissistic supply.

The novelty wears off.

But you need to LET GO emotionally on every level for this to happen.

This includes if the narcissist is smearing and alienating you to your children … you need to let go of the hurt and BE LOVE without painful negative emotion and be unaffected, and then truly – everything the narcissist is trying to do to you with dissolve away.

I know there may be many of you out there feeling incredulous right now – and feeling like, “There is no way I am going to back down and NOT protect my child!”

I promise you I GET IT – I can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like, for those of you who have narcs that are seriously questionable regarding molestation and other sordid things. I promise you I have worked closely with clients in these predicaments.

And this I have seen every time – that our legal system when dealing with narcissists is seriously flawed ESPECIALLY when you are trying to fight with victimisation and pain. I have also had numerous conversations with a wonderful trusted Domestic Violence specialist regarding this.

There was one case where I contacted her because of the severity and the insanity of the legal system. As a pioneer in this field she said to me “Melanie – women need to woman up. The can’t fight fire with fire or pain, they need to emotionally get solid and stable … otherwise the abuser will run rings around them.”

After one particular phone call with her, regarding a lady my heart was breaking for in regard to her children … with me swearing and crying out to my DV friend in frustration … I calmed down, I knew she was right – and I had seen it happen EVERY TIME I worked with parents.

Fear, pain, righteousness, anger and emotional reaction (which of course is totally humanly emotionally appropriate) has NEVER had good results.

I have had parents says to me “My child is MORE IMPORTANT than your BLOODY UP-LEVELLING” and I have even been really attacked about it – but I have stayed very solid on this – and not backed down because my answer every time is: “It is EXACTLY my huge concern for the child that I am saying to you attend to YOUR EMOTION FIRST!”

And I have seen people up-level and calmly and clearly build their case without the emotional angst (and yes it did take a LOT of inner work understandably) and then the narcissist screws up, or legalities rule in the parent’s favour, or the narcissist decides to walk away … or his / her work or something takes the narcissist elsewhere. Or if the narcissist had already won, once the non-narc parent loses the intense negative emotion, the narcissist loses interest in the children … truly!

And I also remember back to the time when my own son’s life and health was so precarious and our relationship had broken down so much I thought there was no hope – until I up-levelled and then everything changed within 3 short weeks.

Without me having any contact with him – it all happened energetically.

So this I know – “emotion first” … always (with anything we are dealing with with narcissists) and ESPECIALLY this is necessary with our children. We need to be the most solid, calm, untriggered, and empowered we can possible be … doing everything we can from a calm solid centre.

And then with the things we can’t control, we need to let go, have faith that our children are protected and are finding their way, and that they are experiencing their own soul’s evolution.

Because at some level our children chose this experience, just as we did.

You denying what is happening, resisting it and resenting it is incredibly damaging to yourself and your children, and often a sure-fire way for them to be easily turned against you by the narcissist.

Who wants to be around the toxic energy of a resentful, victimised, depressed, judgemental person?

Nobody! Not even your children!

You need to make the best of “what is” in order for “what is” to shift. It can’t until you do.

I know from 8 years of intensive work with others on N-abuse recovery, that the children who come home from narcs to solid, happy healthy parents who are not victimised and who can integrate the children back to fun, normalcy and life without the big song and dance, the Spanish inquisition, the trying to micromanage what happened, pry and “protect” – fare so much better.

Know that what information you need will come to you. If you have portals set up to communicate with the narc through, that is a great step, because everything is recorded, everyone is held accountable and you have evidence to submit. Build your case – absolutely – but do it from a position of strength and power, not pain and powerlessness.

If the children really need to talk to you they will, especially if you are loving, warm and open and not pushing for information. And even if they do come to you with information, knowing what you know about the narcissist (non-accountable) – unless it is “criminal” with evidence … the only thing you can really do is empower your child with understanding it’s important to be true to themselves, as well as realise that their mother or father just doesn’t have the capacity to hear (the narc) … but DON’T bad-mouth the narcissist to your children.

If anything teach your children acceptance and compassion, whilst enforcing their own healthy, empowered selves – such as letting your children know that no matter what anyone says it’s important to know and accept themselves, because they are not defined by others.

Let you children know you love and accept them unconditionally, but don’t overcompensate – have healthy boundaries. No-one including your children will love and respect you if you don’t love and respect yourself.

It’s so important to do the work on yourself in order to show up for your children at this level of higher development – because you cannot lead your children to where you are not heading yourself.

The WORST thing you could ever do for your children’s development and your relationship with them is attempt to drag them into victimhood, anger or frustration by projecting your assessments of the narcissist on to them

Instead be mature … be evolved.

If you are emotionally and energetically healing yourself, your children will work it all out perfectly and the older they get the more they will turn away from the narc organically and turn towards you.

If you choose the lower vibrations of victimised martyr … you WILL be scapegoated and your children will easily be turned against you by the narcissist.

If you are working hard at your own healing and creating a healthy life, regardless of what is taking place with the narcissist, your children will follow.

It’s never too late.


Battles With Property, Assets and Loss of Money

It is very expensive to have been in a relationship with a narcissist – virtually everyone who ever was has lost out on a material level.

This has happened to me twice!

However, what we gain on a soul level truly can’t be quantified – if we up-level, if we grow through this experience … and if we use the whopping great billboard that surfaced our inner wounds, to release ourselves into a state of life and beingness that far transcends who we were before we were abused (Thriver model).

Something I have firmly realised is this: co-dependents haven’t known how to value their souls. We are too worried about what people think of us … how we look, what we have, what we should have … in other words how we appear to the outer world.

We believe the only value we can have and hold onto is the value that other people reflect back to us.

This is a HUGE illusion we have desperately needed to heal, so that we can experience real freedom, and the real authentic joy of being ourselves without the need for approval.

Co-dependents were also very likely to have been brought up with conditional love, meaning the value of yourself is defined by what you do, how successful you are and what you have created.

Our “Ego Self” (False Self) suffers an enormous blow when we lose the things that we have worked so hard and so long to acquire. The things that we thought were our “identity”.

So the irony is not that crazy – it makes perfects sense – that one of the greatest lessons we are learning through narcissist abuse is to give up believing our worth is attached in materialism; that our Identity is “what we have achieved or have” … so that finally we can be set free to experience soul joy and true beingness instead.

And this certainly does not mean that we will “go without” and never have money again.

I can assure you IF you stay enmeshed in resentment and intense anger that the narcissist took off with the loot, kept on enjoying the high life and you feel like you were left with NOTHING but a tortured soul and lawyer’s bills.

Then that is exactly what your life will continue to be.

“Emotion FIRST” .. this won’t change in your experience until your inner emotional experience shifts … until that happens there will be NO way for you to generate change.

And you can chose to beat that drum constantly “I have nothing now, he/she destroyed my life” – and guess what you will be right. That is exactly the experience you’ll chemically create within your being as your reality day after day after day.

Standard abuse forums are full of people doing exactly that.

However … quite to the contrary … I have personally experienced, as well as been privy to many others, who once up-levelled into their true Soul State found their true swing in life.

These people then start wonderful businesses, take the study for the career of their dreams they never could previously see themselves doing (even though they dearly wanted to ) or score their dream job.

Many of these people are now connected to more lucrative earnings than they ever have been.

But this time it’s different, they don’t need to make a lot of money in order to “be valued”, rather they are living through their souls as their true purpose and joy.

Abundance starts generating on every level.

They are not just surviving and doing a job (no matter how well paid) – they are Thriving because they are being an authentic self living out their soul’s purpose.

Source (true lifeforce) is flowing through them as them.

None of this was possible until they were brought to their knees by a narcissist, found the necessary up-levelling to release the co-dependent approval seeking and authentically replace “that” with their true soul’s worth.

The financial stuff and attachments were HUGE for me – bigger than big. (I can’t survive without a man was a huge DNA ingrained fear of me – as it is many women.) I had so many financial survival fears, and naturally the narcissists in my life did a great job of bringing these inner terrors to life.

As narcissists do …

And I’m not being sarcastic about “the great job part” – I am being really truthful. I am so grateful these were brought up for me, and made horrendous, because it wasn’t fun living with them – even before narcissists.

What I discovered is after doing tons of work on myself to get those traumas out of my body and bring in the healthy Source replacement – was the organic knowing in my cells that I was okay, I was safe, I was always going to be looked after and provided for, and I had a relationship of abundance directly with Life (not requiring another human being it provide it for me).

I also organically anchored in the truth … my worth had nothing to do with my outer accomplishments. My worth was already absolute … and what was really important was my joy – the blossoming into true radiance, love and purpose.

I know I am not alone, security fears have prevailed for many of us.

I also know that the people who very quickly decide to value their soul above anything else fare much better.

The people who are stubbornly attached to the material – believing that defines them – are in for a very rough ride when divorcing a narcissist.

So … you may wish to walk away or not.

I would say to you this … if you have your facts and can present them straight down the line, and have been able to shift yourself past fear and pain … and IF you really have no attachment such as “My life can’t recover UNLESS I get this amount of money” Or “I can’t get on with my life UNLESS I get a settlement that is good enough” … you need to move past all of these attachments, then by all means if it feels right stand up and present your case.

I know the people who feel resentful, victimised, unheard, unsupported … experience MORE of that, definitely experience that with the legal system, and many have lost everything trying to save their property and finances.

If you are working on yourself to shift your emotional belief systems – the old wounds – that are allowing such abuse in your life (the other half of the magnet) you will start getting clarity and space in your emotions.

You will be able to get into inner solid truths for yourself, rather than getting snagged up in your wounds (which taint clarity). And you will know your inner truth and answers to the questions … if it’s appropriate to stand up, or to just let go, detach and leave it behind you … or take a meager payout.

Truly, there is no price we can put on freedom.

Maybe, like it was for me,  this was all meant to be. Maybe you really needed the humbling experience of learning to value your soul – and maybe there is a whole new wonderful world ahead of you when you do connect with the truth of YOU and become free to be yourself fully.

I know of many people who have come out of the holocaust and immediately think – “Okay how can I make money? How can I make up lost ground?”

This is the typical A personality – “get up and get on with it” response …

I really want to say this about that … NO! NO! NO!

Don’t do this – because if you do the whole evolution purpose has been missed.

Meaning … becoming the most expanded, joyous, free person you ever believed you could be (Thriver model), and not needing to repeat this necessary soul experience because you missed it beforehand.

You need to clean it up properly.

For those of you who are still terrorised, incensed and envious of the lifestyle the narcissist continues to have … “Pffft!”, I say to that! “So what?!”

No matter what a narcissist obtains – they never have soul freedom, real authentic joy, or the peace of feeling whole without external narcissistic supply …

“Stuff” is meaningless to narcissists – all it is is a drug trying to numb out pain – it’s not about authentic happiness.

If anything have compassion. 

Additionally …find and shift your associated inner wounding about this (Module 1 and 4 in the NARP Program) and I promise you won’t give a toss!

I hope both of these articles on Divorcing A Narcissist have really helped you if this is what you are facing, going through, or have never yet recovered from.

I promise you with all my heart there is a way out of this agony, and through to the freedom and truth on the other side – if you want that enough and are willing to put in the work.

I’d love you to join me in my next Free Webinar to learn all about this journey and how the self-healing work is done.

You can do that by signing up here. 

As always I look forward to answering your comments and questions!


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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54 Thoughts on How To Divorce A Narcissist Part 2
    July 3, 2015

    Hello! It’s my first comment here.Your blog is about narc husbands,and i hope i don’t seem off topic about my narc parents.I’m their adult daughter.Right now,i’m in the middle of some sort of divorce with them.I recently moved out.I’m living on my own,and it’s very hard for me because i have no job and my only skills are in translations,not very useful in my country.At first,my narc parents used to give me money to pay for my food and bills.In exchange for that,i had to put up with their humiliations and evil nature.I had a fight with them,and now the money is gone,but also the unbearably painful contact with them.There are no more visits or phone calls.I’m relieved,but also worried to death that i won’t find a job.While i’m searching for a job,should i be diplomatic and have a minimum contact just for the money? I desperately need their money,as my fridge is nearly empty,i’m running out of food and i can’t ignore that or starve to death.What do i do? Please help!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 3, 2015

      Hi Laura,

      have you sort help through community services to see what support you can get until you get employment?

      You may also, with your skills, consider popping yourself on Elance, and maybe see if you can do translation work via the web for people – truly someone with your skills does have opportunity.

      My suggestion would be to do all that you can to not have to sell your soul, so that you can be independent.

      Often, when we get thrown off the deep edge into survival – there is a reason. It is because we were not going to take the step without that happening.

      I know this feels like panic right now, but please know you do have the resources inside you to align yourself with support and opportunity, and when you get through this – you will look back and know “how meant to be” it all was.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      July 4, 2015

      Dear Laura. Please re-read Melanie’s article again. And again. I know I will. This article perfectly summarized everything you need to know to set yourself free. Your fears of not being able to support and feed yourself will keep you a subject of your parent’s cruelty. Give yourself a big pat on the back for standing up to them and moving out. You are on your way! Please don’t prolong your suffering by going back to your parents, defeated. You aren’t defeated and there is help out there. Just look for it. I would suggest contacting your local government agency and inquire about public assistance until you can get a job and get on your own two feet. Best to you.

      July 9, 2015

      Hey there, Laura,
      See if there are any community outreach programs that might help you get on your feet. St Vincent de Paul may be in your area; contact them. You have translations skills? What country are you in? There may be jobs available you do not know about yet. Do you have any friends you could stay with, perhaps? Please keep us posted.

    Jill Sorbian
    July 3, 2015

    I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have touched my life in so many ways and I will be forever grateful. I divorced a man after 21 years of hell. He is a narcissist with personality disorder. He gave me a head contusion and said I did it to myself. Now, I am going through the same thing with my 23 year old daughter. She was diagnosed with bipolar Narcissitic/Personality Disorder 8 years ago. The abuse in unimaginable and the scars are sometimes unbearable. Her actions bring me to my knees. She comes in like a tornado cutting me with her words as well as physical. I found you online and you have lifted me up from the depths of hell. You are truly an angel sent into my life. Thank you so much for helping me get my life back!! I’m so excited about the future. Keep your emails coming girl!
    Over the years I have thought I was crazy my head was always spinning.
    I never could understand how or why my daughter and my ex would always project everything they are onto me. Your information has given me the tools I have always been looking for!
    I love Melbourne Australia. I lived there for a year with my current husband He is Australian and Thank God healthy! I’m back in America and he will be coming over to live in the States. He has seen all of the unhealthy behavior between my daughter and myself and helped and always stood by my side. Australia truly is the lucky country! He and you have saved my life!
    Thanks for all you do and making a BIG difference in my life.
    Thank you with all my heart,

    Jill Sorbian <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2015

      Hi Jill,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased I was able to help.

      You really are living proof, that despite even the most horrendous of circumstances … because that must have been so, so painful regarding your daughter especially … that we can let go of trying to change what we are powerless with and heal ourselves.

      That is wonderful you are so happy now.

      Mel xo

    July 3, 2015

    Thank you for the candid manner in which you describe everything. I have to repeatedly read your emails and blog as I have to come to terms with the reality of my life and marriage of 30years. Close friends said that my marriage was toxic. I thouht I needed to just change, become a better person, heal my soul. And now that I did start with the process I realise that my friends are correct in their observations.

    I must now take the step of instructing the lawyer. I find this very difficult. This will be the final say from my side that I have no hope anymore. I wanted to minimise the fall out and try to create a place of safety for myself before I do this. See my future. If I understand you correctly, this is not the way to go. I must release and let go.

    I still find myself slipping back into a state of denial. I have read and acknowledge the lies. The lies just dont match with the charming family man that he also lives. Yet that seems to now be the false person. Not the genuine person. I still find this confusing..

    Your insight into this is a life saver but the pain is intense. Yet delving into my inner self and fnding the trggers and finding healing for my soul brngs release, empowers me and help me to see myself and life from a totally different perspective.

    Thank you!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2015

      Hi Esme,

      you are so welcome.

      I really want you to understand this Esme, I don’t want you to “have to” repeatedly read my emails … I would so much rather you never have to even be on my blog reading my material because you have reprogrammed past needing this information anymore.

      There is an enormous difference between trying to manage our inner wounds, and actually healing our inner wounds.

      It is the difference between informational and transformational healing and merely surviving or True Thriving.

      I’d love you to really absorb the information in this article …

      It is about “doing” inner work to heal.

      And I’d love you to come into my next Webinar so that you learn how to.

      The things you are struggling with, that you have described, will just not be there for you when you do the inner work on them – and the truth is “cognitively” we can’t address them, there needs to be a much deeper tool to really release ourselves.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    July 3, 2015

    It’s much harder for a Man to recover from Narc abuse taken to the pit of financial hell, because
    NO woman wants some NPD woman’s discard, after financial abuse a man has one option
    ISOLATION. And if you are want someone for emotional support in such a hellashish, time in a man’s life, well I am afraid that is not going to happen, no family member, not another woman,
    nobody. Unlike an abused woman, is actually attractive to a man, someone he can protect and make a loving bond with because she found someone who is “normal”. Not so with us Men
    “after” you have escaped the abuse, if anything a Man is ripe for Narcissistic Woman no 2 to come along, because he is needy and that is right in the Narc woman’s Radar! So you can stay in the abusive situation, or go to court, and live rest of your life in poverty and isolation, Gee what choices
    but hell I’m free right? Free to live every minute in regret. The chances of a Man ending up with
    someone he has to “take care of” are extremely high, right? ( “take care of” ie; 18 months of kindness and appreciation followed by a lifetime of Narcissistic Abuse..

      July 3, 2015

      Dear Voyage.
      I don’t know if you’re right.
      I am sorry if you are finding it harder,
      I am female and because my husband is gloating on’ no fault divorce ‘ in Australia- I feel quite screwed actually and don’t want a man to ‘ help’ me in case he is the Knight in Shining Armour- another Narc.
      I hope I will Thrive one day , and I hope you go too.
      All the best

      July 3, 2015

      It will be difficult for you if you continue to be bitter angry and resentful. Absolutely understandable ,however you can heal and grow from this if you choose to . I am a woman who married a man who was narc abused . He didn’t have any material things but he had begun to find himself and chose to let go of his past and work through his pain(inner wounds). We have slowly but surely built a happy and joyful life . Much love and light to you .

        July 4, 2015

        Hi Sarah and thank you for responding, but your (very lucky) current husband doesn’t sound like he
        had The True Narc Experience, if you could let me know how to “let go” that it affects every single little
        aspect of my whole life? But he has you, which is huge, and you are normal, and he is safe. Don’t know if
        you would have been attracted to him if he was at my Level of abuse recovery. Or are these baby steps
        to a level where I don’t keep wanting to strangle myself? Or maybe he was able to “mask” all this until
        you to got to be better friends? The True Narc Experience=abuse In the marriage, abuse In the divorce
        and the real clincher the “aftermath”. Where I personally spiraled completely out of control, to a point where losing EVERYTHING, my house The American Rivera, to being paralyzed, in anxiety. Unable to work,
        and on Disability. But some how I have been able to get up, and get the ball rolling again, and I actually have good job, my income level almost back where it was! But I was amazed on just how little support their is out there? Know wonder, so many homeless people? The resources are out there, but you have to fight for your life, because That’s exactly What it is.. Late fifties, and I have a direction now,
        back on my feet, is that a misnomer?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 4, 2015

          Hi Voyager,

          you may not want to hear it like this ..

          I personally had a complete psychotic breakdown and was told I would never recover without anti-psychotics … I was incapacitated totally … life could not go on as normal.

          Fortunately I had the total awakening of realising – everything that had occurred was the bringing of MY wounds, or fear and pain to my attention – so that I could heal them.

          I made healing my INNER state the most important choice, the ONLY choice .. and then everything changed.

          I have seen people men and women, world-wide, in your position turn it all around because they woke up from their unconscious state to realise “I am the generative source of my experience”.

          If you believe you are a powerless victim – then you are so powerful – it WILL be.

          If you believe you have no support, no one understands you, and no one has it as bad as you – then – YES that is the experience you get to create, show up and live every single day.

          And people will turn from you in droves … because that is not who we came here to be.

          Mel xo

    wanting to b healed
    July 3, 2015

    My narp journey is amazing. My little me started talking to me n I have a partner with me now.

    Sharon Stoltz
    July 4, 2015

    I disallowed mine to come back into my home after Dec 2006…He was drug/alcohol addicted. He stayed around Dauphin till Dec of 2007 when he stole my credit card and left town. I totally blocked myself for 2 months. (pretty tough for me) I walked backwards a wee bit but by April 2008 realized I couldn’t go back to that. Anyways, the long and short of it. I attempted in Jan 2009 to get a divorce. It cost me $8,000 and I really got no where. 2010 his lawyer proved beyond reasonable doubt he had done everything to maintain him as a client and literally dumped him. I am exhausted. We have 2 girls together. The judge ruled that he wouldn’t be able to spend time with them unless he was proven to be clean and sober. He never pulled it off and so hadn’t seen the girls for 6 years. I allowed them to go with their grandparents and he was allowed to see them under their supervision. … anyways…I am almost fearful of picking this up again as the trauma of dealing with him and the lies and the costs is overwhelming… –Sharon 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2015

      Hi Sharon,

      truly .. it has all been said in the article.

      “Emotion first!”

      Are you working on your inner emotional state to get a change in your outer life?

      If you are ready to, please come into the Webinar Group, so you can learn the only way to turn this around.

      Which is change your emotional programming … namely “Become the Change you want to see in Your Life.”

      Mel xo

    July 4, 2015

    I just got out of jail. My narc pushed me into a corner screaming, “hit me, hit me” so I slapped him. He called 911 and the police put me in handcuffs in front of our daughter and took me away. I’m a school teacher. I feel sick. He went nuts after I confronted him over websites, porn, and hotels. Now I have a lawyer and I am staying with a friend. He is making me look like I am crazy. I feel like dying. Sixteen years of abuse and I get taken to jail. I need help. I really do! MB

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2015

      Hi MB,

      I feel for you – I have had similar things happen from both N’s they were very nasty in regard to using police as abuse by proxy.

      It’s a horrible position to be in.

      MB my answer to you is identical to Sharon above …

      Are you ready to heal this? Because if you have “had enough” it’s time to try something else – because what you are trying to do to survive this is not working …

      Mel xo

    Elizabeth D.
    July 4, 2015

    Hi Melanie,
    I just HAD to write to you regarding the misconception you have regarding the rarity of two narcissists being attracted to each other. This CAN and DOES happen – as in my case. Both of my parents were narcissists, and it’s double the trauma for their children. My parents didn’t love each other, they married to get A-grade (as you would put it) narcissistic supply from each other. There was not a day that went by where those two abusers did not fight with each other and make their children’s lives a living HELL! And because both were malignant narcissists, neither ever gave in, since both needed to have the last word. The drama would simply continue on the following day. After five decades of sheer HELL, I’ve gone No Contact with my entire family, since I was their designated Scapegoat. When it comes to narcissists and narcissistic families, ‘silence’ is a virtue.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2015

      Hi Elizabeth,

      Please set me start by saying to you – that is awful and I am so sorry that you suffered that childhood.

      I also want to say that I still believe my theory – however in no way does that exonerate the “other” parent.

      The truth is co-dependents can become just as toxic, just as much “the victim” just as reactive – and HUGELY are unavailable to their children when drawn into drama, trying to get approval and trying to win.

      They are JUST as damaging!

      Co-dependents have inner emptiness and pain to start with, are easily targeted by N’s (they find their wounds) and then get hooked in (yes they WON’T give up!) trying to force the other person to “accept” them and “take that stuff back” so that they can feel some worthiness.

      And of course they end up fighting back nastily … that’s what happens when you’re in a war zone, losing your mind.

      And it’s okay if you don’t agree with me … we can have our own beliefs here.

      But the truth is absolutely it was painful and damaging for you growing up. All of that was “narcissistic” and self-absorbed.

      I believe hugely (and I see it a lot) very damaged co-dependents, who never let go to heal themselves and become a source to themselves, can be just as narcissistic to their kids.

      Because at the end of the day – that’s what being damaged produces – in regard to both N and co-dep.

      And because these wounds still exist I would love you to come into my Webinar – because many people are there to heal from Child of Origin abuse.

      Mel xo

        Elizabeth D.
        July 5, 2015

        Hi again, Melanie, thanks for your reply. I wasn’t trying to make you wrong – I was merely trying to relay my experiences growing up as a child of two narcissists. However, you did touch upon something important that I didn’t consider before. My NM IS codependent, as well (Why couldn’t God, in his infinite wisdom, send me at least ONE decent parent?). This explains why my 53-year-old sister and 43-year-old brother still live with her (my dad has passed) and have no plans to ever move out – despite the fact that my mother doesn’t need any help. She goes around telling everyone, “I don’t know WHAT I would do without them.”, further keeping them dependent on her. It is so depressing to watch her destroy them this way, and they don’t have a clue what’s talking place. Well, this is not my problem, and they will have to extricate themselves from her when they’re ready. Btw, how do I join your Webinar? Thanks.

    July 4, 2015

    Hi Melanie,
    I am engaged in a lengthy custody battle with my narcissist ex. He is so extreme and continues to be aggressive via the lawyers and court system.
    Unfortunately my situation is that I live in Spain and do not have enough work to sustain it for me and my son. I asked the courts if I can go back to my home country (UK) but as the father always objects the judge said no I cannot leave, I have to stay in Spain despite not having work. The courts awarded me custody last year here but the month after I lost my job and have not been able to find anything that fits around my son unless I have a nanny.
    The father continues to fight for custody, another time he is appealing and its costing me thousands of euros in legal fees.
    Unfortunately I have come to the point where I wish to offer him what he wants – custody of our son.
    I feel that it will finally free me from his control, and allow me to build my life again professionally so that I can at least survive here in Spain and be able to see my son regularly. I will be able to see my son but I will just not have physical custody of him. I can still make decisions on his schooling and medical etc.
    It sounds terrible but this has come after 2 1/2 years of a war which he will not stop until he has won, and thousands of euros gone and energy and of course precious time.
    I would love your feedback or insights as now I really am at a loss what to do except play the gray rock and just get on with life, it will be terribly sad but perhaps will change up everything.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2015

      Hi Sarah,

      a situation like yours is difficult … absolutely.

      Again – I always say “Emotion FIRST” … because when we are stuck emotionally (and I know this feels counterintuitive) we don’t have access to “ways” … Miracles, openings, solutions, assistance … all the incredible stuff that can make such a difference to a seemingly hopeless situation.

      I really don’t even want to advise anything until you can find and release the associated young emotional wounds in your body that are allowing this (at this level) to be in your experience. (I promise you they exist).

      Once they are gone – there may be a completely different picture, and truly the rules and the game could change completely.

      And then – after that work – if there was NO change to what is happening, THEN you can make a decision based on “what is”.

      And the huge advantage is that you would be up-levelled emotionally … more empowered, wise, calm and able to make a decision from a really healthy solid place.

      Am I making sense?

      Please look at the NARP Program to do that essential inner work (if you understand the truth of what I am saying) …

      If you are struggling financially (and can’t afford the small monthly payments) we also have sponsorship for people in need.

      Truly that is the suggestion I can only grant – because it is the only thing I know that works at the highest possibility of outcome for you.

      There is NO amount of “doingness” that can make up for what we need to adjust on the “beingness” level because – it is all generated from “beingness” ..

      Mel xo

      Been through this.
      July 6, 2015

      Here is how I found a way out of my DIVORCE agony after 3 years of LEGAL battle.Our legal system is full of NARCS… this ends ALL battle with lawyers, judge and him.

      1. I started to value myself and “my soul”. BY LETTING go of my need to win -financially, materially, or in terms of assets.

      2. Imagine – you are playing in a sand box with your ex while divorcing. Remove yourself out of the sandbox & leave him in the sandbox. Release attachment, envy, curiosity within yourself. Stop looking back or caring who/what/where he is doing in the sand box. Just don’t care so, you stop feeding him energetically.

      3. I left him in the sand box and energetically removed ALL thoughts and stopped feeding him with my energy. This took me sometime. Mel’s module 1 & 4 helped a lot. I mean a lot.

      In short, the day I STOPPED putting a price on my freedom and started LOVING myself and up-leveling my SOUL became my FOCUS. Narc disappeared and the battle ended.

      NOW – My greatest and highest mission is “me” – I speak my truth & live my truth and continue on my journey on my terms by being joyous & free person. I decided to become a whole by FOCUSING on “me” – earning my own money, educating myself, securing my own future, and creating my own safety. Protecting myself on every level — emotionally, financially, and physically. Taking on responsibility for myself and NOT looking outside (Narc) to provide, protect, and love me.

      Includes court system and lawyers. Do not look to them to protect, provide, and keep you safe. It begins by HEALING yourself.

    July 4, 2015

    Hi Melanie,

    You mention frequently that narcissists can be a powerful gift to help us heal our wounds and be more enlightened. I’m curious, as we are all loved by the universe, God, do you think there is a life lesson for the narcissist? Basically is there a reason for a narcissists existence for themselves other than to teach us?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2015

      Hi Michelle,

      this is a great question.

      I fully believe that all of us via our various incarnations experience “All of it” in order to evolve.

      I believe we are all from the Oneness, and to the Oneness we all are going back – its just we are experiencing different positions, different versions to fully know “light” – which often has meant having to evolve oneself from total darkness.

      I actually believe that no one of us that has been abused, could have been unless in some time / place we were that ourselves …

      In short “we are all in this together” – the real question is “are we becoming conscious?” one person at a time in order to raise collective consciousness?

      Because until there is enough people ascended to a higher consciousness, darkness via the human experience will keep playing out.

      It’s up to all of us to do what we can – because we are ALL responsible for our world.

      I hope this helps … even though it may have left you with even more questions!

      Mel xo

    July 4, 2015

    3 years ago 18 years of narcissistic abuse ended (not married). I’d been put in what I call “time out” many times over the years but I always apologized for my role and tried to described rationally what had happened and why we shouldn’t throw away such a long “history” of shared experiences. It ended for good because he was “fed up” (and, I learned, there was a new, albeit short lived relationship). At first I felt relieved, but then memories of our shared history got in the way. I am now 72 and retired from a successful career and the loneliness has really almost paralyzed me with sadness and a sense of loss. Is it too late for me to be cured? I am so tired of the sadness and tears every time something reminds me of our time together. (I tried to sign up for the July 13 (central time) webinar twice, but didn’t get a confirmation either time.)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2015

      Hi Jackie,

      my heart goes out to you …

      I PROMISE you – NO! It is not too late..

      I share a gorgeous story about a lovely lady – The most senior NARPer I have worked with – in the Webinar … in her 70s who completely resurrected her life (she has never been happier and is gloriously in love with a man 10 years her junior) as a result of working with NARP …

      This was after FOUR narc relationships in a row, as well as horrible child alienation … all sorts of things.

      Everything turned around in her life – she has never been happier.

      I’m so glad you tried signing up Jackie …

      Jackie could you please email so we can make doubly sure you do get into the Webinar.

      I can’t wait to connect with you and help you heal!

      Please know – there is MORE than hope for you.

      Mel xo

        July 5, 2015

        Thanks for your reply. Did email “support” and got reply in email box sonhope I will be able to participate. While I love idea of new healthy, loving relationship, as a practical matter, seems that hope (goal) would be unwise. Just want to be cured of my own self blame and loathing. I want peace. Using terminology of E. Tolle, I’d like to put “little me” to rest. Sounds simple, but after lifetime of not really liking myself (except for brief moments or when I force myself to acknowledge my value), can I really overturn, eradicate that pattern? Liked TED talk that suggests we marry ourselves. That would be so nice. No matter what, each of us is in ’til death (or beyond) do us part relationship with ourselves. Want to love myself, not just tolerate or make up xcuses for who I am. Will strive to be hopeful.

    July 4, 2015

    Hi I read and listen to much you say Mel and it has been a great help.
    My ex is a nac. He decided after 8 years of abuse to torture me with gaining a new relationship whilst with me and our 6 year old, only weeks earlier we were moving into a brand new home to be a family. Many ups and downs, on and off in the relationship. Hating my family and most friends. Threat to kill and him charged, rape, violence mentally ongoing. The new person was totally fooled by him, she contacted me when I wrote about my relationship on FB! He had told me she was a friend :). The courts were no different, them kissing and so forth whilst waiting to be heard. Her offering to take my position as mother and completely take my daughter from me. Him saying im a mental case because of an attemped suicide 6 weeks after discovering or him saying he is falling in love with her. Nearly killed me. My question is, he seems to absolutely adore our daughter. We have shared custody. The girlfriend says she is gone ( but I doubt that). My ex has used our daughter as a pawn in the past, however he genuinely seems to love our daughter, is this possible? ?
    Thanks Deb

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2015

      Hi Deb,

      the truth is “how can we know?”

      Truly – you are talking about a pathological person who is impossible to pin down .. in ANY sense. Or UNDERSTAND in ANY sense.

      Deb, truly you are missing the point of exactly what my work and orientation is on – it’s on YOU.

      I’m really quite disinterested in him, but I am infinitely interested in helping you.

      Because what is So, SO, SO important is that you become a healthy, solid mother who loves and is loved by her daughter, and who can guide your daughter (as well as yourself of course) to operate healthily and happily in life and relationships.

      Healing YOU needs to be your focus … not him.

      No AMOUNT of trying to work him out is working on healing your wounds … and that is why trying to work out a narcissist doesn’t provide anyone with relief, because it means they aren’t putting the focus and energy into healing their own wounds.

      If you are ready to heal Deb, please come into my next Webinar, because then the pain can start being released and your healing can begin.

      For you AND your daughter.

      Mel xo

      Been through this.
      July 6, 2015

      I know it is EXTREMELY difficult…I have been there and can related to your pain and agony. Heart ache is unbearable.

      Quickest way out of this is — Please STOP focusing on him. Start HEALING yourself. Do Mel’s modules. Start valuing yourself. STOP looking for him or any other man to full-fill you. You become your source of your needs. For example,

      1. Start earning a living become financially self-supporting.
      2. Start educating yourself instead of focusing on what NARC does or does not do. Take a class, get involved in a hobby.
      3. Emotionally heal by take time out to do Mel’s modules — again and again. Repeat I mean repeat each one. I am on my 7th round.
      4. Use your PRECIOUS time and your life force energy to heal you and don’t give a hoot about his life.
      5. Love and protect yourself. Give yourself safety and security. Ask Angel, GOD, universe to provide this for you.

    July 5, 2015

    Mel, your articles always bring so much old stuff up for me! Its amazing. My last Narc relationship ended 5 years ago, but he was the last of 4 N partners, so I know only too well the horrors of financial losses, issues over child access and being rapidly replaced by “new supply”. But what you said about value really resonated with me. While I have always been good at making money, I could never hang on to it, or see any reward for my hard work. I now realise I couldnt hold on to anything of value, because I didn’t value myself. My financial situation was an accurate reflection of my own self-worth. I believed I was WORTH-LESS – and that showed up as debt, money I had loaned to friends not being repaid, clients not paying me for work I had done and money just generally slipping through my fingers, just disappearing. This has changed a lot since I started practising more self-love and feeling equal to all others. Thanks for this Mel, I nearly didn’t read it as it didn’t seem relevant to my current situation, but Im so glad I did! Much love xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2015

      Hi Sylvia,

      it is so true that “Life” is always rich in supplying us the message we need to evolve further ..

      I love that!

      That’s why when we are connected to channels that we are know are authentic they always help …

      Bless Sylvia, and wishing you wonderful continual growth.

      Mel xo

    D. Lovcks
    July 5, 2015

    Thank you, thank you. I have so manys doubt about myself since my wife pushed me of the cliff. No I am laying on the ground half dead and she stabbing me with knives still.
    Only two weeks later being heartlessly replaced, she send me a Whatsapp: I am in a new relationship.
    Since that day she been Facebooking how wonderful her life is now, a few weeks later they went on holiday and all “lovable” photos were posted and send to mutual friends. Though she lives in another town she still visits my regular hangouts where she performs het mating dance with the new guy right in front of me. The week after that she walked towards me, just looked a me (I said hello) and walked away without saying a word. Two weeks after the final break-up was my birthday, not even a cheap card. This all hurts me very much. I can say I am close to stepping out of life.
    The last few years (total 10) were not easy, but I kept trying to save the relationship, in the end finding myself guilty of not succeeding. Although she didn’t deserve it I always treatet her respectful, lovable and caring. We did not have a break-up fight. Now she’s treating me like it’s me who has done something her, the ugly guy, that she now completely ignores. And yes the utopia she has now with the now guy is exactly as she had with me. just as you describe.
    So … maybe I made fault but I am not guilty.
    The last few weeks I seems I am loosing it completely. I try so hard to pick up a life again. But it seems one step forward and three back eacht time.
    Thinking of killing myself each day, phoning helplines late at night. Therapy doesn’t help much execept for recognition.
    So, guess I made up my mind. I would kill myself that would cause her to dance on my grave and say she’s was right about me, etc.
    But I can’t go on like this. Sorry that the country I live in doesn’t allow guns. Very hard to get one. Guess I gotta try harder. Then first kill her and the new guy, before using the third bullet for myself.

    July 5, 2015

    I love you Melanie – and your whole NARP community.

    This is a awesome post!!!

    July 5, 2015


    It is uncanny to me that your Blog posts ALWAYS come to me at the exact time I need them. I don’t get the chance to read all your entries that come into my inbox, but when i do, i am amazed that the topic always fits exactly what I’m going through currently, and your words are the very thing I need to hear to keep me going, at that point. It is truly uncanny, as I said.

    This entry was particularly needed for me this week as I have been going through a year long very bitter custody battle with my (almost) Ex N, and we had our court date last week. My N is the particular brand of very convincing “nicest guy” to the outside world, controlling manipulative monster in private type of N. Truly, it is unbelievable what an amazing actor he is. Anyway – my worst fears became a reality as my N was able to convince the custody evaluator to award joint custody. I know my daughter suffers from his N behavior greatly, but she is a child and also under the spell of his shiny N charm, and his manipulation. It is extremely difficult, as he badmouths me in his very clever *subtle* N ways, and trys to turn my child against me and blame me for the divorce.

    I was devastated last week when the evaluator told me what their recommendation would be. I KNOW this schedule will be damaging for my daughter. But Melanie – your article was the exact thing I needed this week. The reality is – if I let myself fall apart, if I let my fear, my hurt and my anger rule the day, then THAT will be my experience, moving forward. And THAT will be exactly what my Ex N needs and exactly what he’s seeking, in order to really alienate my child from me. I will NOT allow that to happen. I AM strong, and I AM LOVE and deeper knowing, just as you’ve said. I CAN exist a higher level where his actions and behavior do not affect me and do not create MY experience. I can be SOLID, CALM and at peace and that is what NEEDS to happen, for my daughter’s emotional health, and for her and I to come out of this happy and healthy, and with a stronger relationship than ever.

    Your words have impacted me GREATLY, this week. If i continue to allow myself to be victimised and downtrodden by this person, then that WILL be my experience. I have to up-level and heal, and know that I AM the generative source of MY own experience. That sentence makes everything so clear to me. My worth and my value does not depend on the exact outcomes of this battle, nor on if i *win* in court, or get a big settlement, or the custody share I wanted, etc…My sense of my worth and my joy comes from ME, and my connection to Life.

    Melanie thank you SO SO much again, for what you do and for the unbelievable gift you have given me, through your blog and the NARP program. It has been and continues to be my lifesaver.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2015

      Hi Kate,

      big, big hugs … massive ones from the entire NARP Community.

      Are you in the NARP Private Forum receiving the incredible support from the peeps there?

      Truly, if you are not – DO IT – the healing power accessible with these people is phenomenal.

      They are a soul family for you right now – and I really feel the need to suggest you connect.

      You’re going to get through this Kate – it will all work out.

      Mel xo

      Been through this.
      July 6, 2015

      Hi Kate,

      Here is how I found a way out of my DIVORCE agony after 3 years of LEGAL battle.Our legal system is full of NARCS… this ends ALL battle with lawyers, judge and him.

      1. I started to value myself and “my soul”. BY LETTING go of my need to win -financially, materially, or in terms of assets.

      2. Imagine – you are playing in a sand box with your ex while divorcing. Remove yourself out of the sandbox & leave him in the sandbox. Release attachment, envy, curiosity within yourself. Stop looking back or caring who/what/where he is doing in the sand box. Just don’t care so, you stop feeding him energetically.

      3. I left him in the sand box and energetically removed ALL thoughts and stopped feeding him with my energy. This took me sometime. Mel’s module 1 & 4 helped a lot. I mean a lot.

      In short, the day I STOPPED putting a price on my freedom and started LOVING myself and up-leveling my SOUL became my FOCUS. Narc disappeared and the battle ended.

      NOW – My greatest and highest mission is “me” – I speak my truth & live my truth and continue on my journey on my terms by being joyous & free person. I decided to become a whole by FOCUSING on “me” – earning my own money, educating myself, securing my own future, and creating my own safety. Protecting myself on every level — emotionally, financially, and physically. Taking on responsibility for myself and NOT looking outside (Narc) to provide, protect, and love me.

      Includes court system and lawyers. Do not look to them to protect, provide, and keep you safe. It begins by HEALING yourself that means doing the work. No easy way out but simply doing the emotional work.

    July 5, 2015

    Dear Melanie,

    I first found your blog when I had just divorces my N, but the trauma had only just begun. I just read through the Part I, and can say I KNEW there was something in me I needed to work on. I also found big hurts from my childhood. One thing about part I is you said to now blame your parents if they were N’s, but that was a core issue in my divorce. I have found the hurt my father and my own family dealt out is worse than what happened with my husband. You really saved me from further damage when I read about “no contact,” since it protected my spirit from being injured further. The reason the past family issues hurt me so badly, is because my N father, sided with my ex, and N brother and N sister all sided with my father when I told them how abusive he (my father) was being to me and my kids. You are SO RIGHT though, I really see that this is part of the journey, I don’t regret moving in with my father after my mother died, because I never in my life realized what a cruel, evil person he was to me….all my life. If I had not gone through this with my family I would have never recalled hurts, or understood what I need to work on. I had repressed memories of my childhood to cover up the trauma, and in the midst of the trauma my children and I went through, it all came flooding back. I thank God I was able to get through this without having a breakdown…I knew my kids needed me, but now I need to work on me. I look forward to reading through this part 2 and hope to start the healing.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    July 5, 2015

    Hi Guy,
    the truth is “informational healing” – reading stuff is not reaching your subconscious programming that needs healing and up-levelling.

    So the truth is until you do the work at that level you haven’t “got it” it has not taken hold inside you – it is a mere idea that needs to be read and re-read and then tried to be applied in your life with the 5% power that your conscious mind has over the subconscious almighty 95% programming of your life that is stuck in opposing programs.

    My highest suggestion Guy to stop reading and trying to create your healing that way and and start DOING Module 1 of NARP – start doing the work directly in your body instead.

    Then you will start seeing profound results.

    The articles are only supplements to the true inner work.

    Mel xo

    s wills
    July 6, 2015

    so much healing every time I hear one of your shows

    Been through this.
    July 6, 2015

    Here is how I found a way out of my DIVORCE agony after 3 years of LEGAL battle.

    1. I started to value myself and “my soul”. BY LETTING go of my need to win -financially, materially, or in terms of assets.

    2. Imagine – you are playing in a sand box with your ex while divorcing. Remove yourself out of the sandbox & leave him in the sandbox. Release attachment, envy, curiosity within yourself. Stop looking back or caring who/what/where he is doing in the sand box. Just don’t care so, you stop feeding him energetically.

    3. I left him in the sand box and energetically removed ALL thoughts and stopped feeding him with my energy. This took me sometime. Mel’s module 1 & 4 helped a lot. I mean a lot.

    In short, the day I STOPPED putting a price on my freedom and started LOVING myself and up-leveling my SOUL became my FOCUS. Narc disappeared and the battle ended. Our legal system is full of NARCS… this ends ALL battle with lawyers, judge and him.

    NOW – My greatest and highest mission is “me” – I speak my truth & live my truth and continue on my journey on my terms by being joyous & free person. I decided to become a whole by FOCUSING on “me” – earning my own money, educating myself, securing my own future, and creating my own safety. Protecting myself on every level — emotionally, financially, and physically. Taking on responsibility for myself and NOT looking outside (Narc) to provide, protect, and love me.

    July 6, 2015

    Hi Mel, thank you for this article which was timely for me as I went to court to finalise child related matters only this week. Everything worked out beautifully. This was in sharp contrast to the first court case I had to attend in 2012. Exactly as you described in your article, I was in fear and survival and I had a lawyer who was uninterested in the case and very expensive. I was shocked that the result was such that I was disadvantaged and the narc had everything his way. How could they not see the truth? Even worse his new wife attended court and I was alone. This time I recognised my fear and irrationality as an old pattern and worked on stabilising my energy and emotions with your QFreedom healing. I was initially very frightened to revisit this situation but I did have the help of a wonderful friend and the Women’s Legal Service to represent myself. How amazed I was on the first court appearance before the same judge who looked so stern in 2012 and who now smiled and was very helpful. I ended up being granted everything I wanted and in the process applied for an investigation into child support which resulted in me being granted more assistance. All the narc’s accusations fell away and he was ordered to attend a psychologist to learn to integrate with his children and not to have the children stay over until that was achieved. I am puzzled though as it took several days for me to realise I had won and I felt quite depressed until a friend pointed out that I was acting as if I had lost. This quickly snapped me out of that state, however I am going back to QF healing to make sure there is no charge left on it. xJane

    July 7, 2015

    Your comments and extended articles have been extremely helpful for me as i divorce a narcissist. It has been nearly two years and I am finally divorced. We went around and around with lawyers until I figured out the bottom line of what I could live on financially and presented that to him to avoid going to court. He was wise enough to recognize a good deal when he saw one and now I am free and not destitute! Thank goodness I have the California divorce laws on my side and he could not get around that. We have no children, as he did not want to share the spotlight–seriously. I recognize now my part in all of this and I look forward to giving myself the love and the compassion that was impossible for him to give. I began a daily yoga practice the day after he left and it has literally saved my life. My energy is now directed toward building a meditation practice and studying Buddhism with the hope of staying grateful and compassionate towards myself and to others. Pretty clueless on the meditation part, but I put it out there, and hope to see connections soon. Thank you for all you do and know it is loved, valued, and appreciated!

    Erin O'Brien
    July 9, 2015

    Hi Melanie

    Where to begin…. I wish I had this information some 25 years ago. I need some help now. I divorced my narc ex-husband some 8 years ago after a very very long 17 year abusive marriage and continue to have problems with him to date. I really understand some of the stories I have read here on your site, especially about the narc bi-polar daughter. It could be my story.

    Here is the situation I continue to encounter.
    I am very happily remarried and will be celebrating our 3rd anniversary this weekend. However, my ex narc continues to battle me in court for everything and anything. I am forced to retain my attorney of 8 years and respond to his almost comical allegations. Most of the allegations involve me paying his attorney fees, etc. If I do not respond, then I accept the consequences. We have prevailed in most of the cases. The problems I have is when will this stop — if ever. Second, when we win and I have awarded attorney fees, he doesn’t pay. We are forced to get Contempt Citations, Process Servers, etc. and finally at the 11th hour he pays. He has now moved out of state, so when the judge orders him to pay, we will have to get a bounty hunter, along with everything else to get him to pay. Any suggestions on how to get him to just leave me alone. I
    love my new life. Happiness, peace, tranquility and LOVE. Will he ever move on or can I expect this for the rest of HIS life? On another note….. I haven’t heard from my daughter in almost 7 years. I was devistated for years about her nastiness towards me. I came to the conclusions that she is an adult and she alone will have to live with her choices. Honestly, I am somewhat relived that she is with her narc father. I don’t have to worry about her nasty behavior, stealing, lying etc anymore. I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you for your reading materials. I think your ideas work, especially on up-levelling. There is no way that he would have taken our daughter at a young age, as it would have interfered with “his life”.

    July 10, 2015

    I’m so grateful to have found Melanie and her work. This article came so timely for me as the past months I have been going through what to do with my situation of whether I should go ahead with divorce in court or out of it in mediation sooner or later. It’s been over a week since I brought the NARP. I’ve listened to the modules but haven’t completely dedicated some good quality time to doing the work of clearing away and releasing the fear and pain.

    My kids are home from summer vacation and I get distracted so easily but I must make my healing a priority. Before I found the program, I was so overwhelmed with decisions that I have to make concerning leaving the narc but now I decided to put that on hold to work on myself first so that I don’t operate in a state of fear and pain.

    Two years ago I wanted to leave the marriage and almost filed for divorce but ended up hooked and got pregnant when I complied to his demands due to fears. I don’t want to make another mistake of getting hooked back in this time but my baby is one now and I will stay because we live together in a two family house and he is on the top apartment while I stay in the lower apartment with my kids. He comes down all the time and I don’t know what else to do with modified contact since we have the kids (13 yr old boy, 10 yr old girl and one year old boy). It is a hard choice to make not to move out yet until I work on myself.

    A month ago I went to court to file petitions for order of protection and custody and child support. The judge gave me a temporary order that he is not allowed to come into my bedroom. Since he received the order, he had been complying. He wants me to work things out with him without going to court. He told me to settle out of court with mediation if I want separation or divorce agreement but we should do it after the summer vacation.

    But he really thinks it’s best financially for our children’s future if we stay married and work together. There is really no love in this marriage and just fighting on both parts due to our critical and negative natures. I was tired of being angry so much of the time and hurt due to his unemotional, insensitive and critical behaviors. Now he’s telling me that he will no longer be easily angered because he won’t be so stressed out with taking our daughter to school anymore. She will attend school closer to our home now.

    He asked me if I can drop the order and if I will show up to court on Monday for the return of process on the order of protection. I want to drop it too but not sure if I should since we are both under investigations by ACS. He wants shared joint custody and will pay half of child support for my time with them and all assets will not be touched until our sons are finished with college. I’m thinking if that’s the route he wants to take, I should cut my losses and take it to leave in peace. I had planned on moving back to our old home that we rented out to a tenant and let him stay at this house. He told me that he will put money into renovating the house and we can move in together but is willing to stay away until I’m ready to have him back. The tenant wanted extra money to help them to move out sooner. Now we both think that we can stay in this two family house instead and live on different floors as it will be easier for the kids.

    I don’t think the petition for child and spousal support will be granted if I stay in the same house with him. I am so tempted to work with a good lawyer I found to get the divorce agreement going but at the same time I think I should wait until I clear away my pains. He kept telling me to do mediation and not get lawyers to help us. It will be 17 years of marriage this week for us and the past 13 years has been long as I was working on changing and healing myself in preparation to leave (I wish I found this NARP program sooner). I first left 12 years ago when my first son was 8 months old and lived at my parents’ home for 8 months before going back to him. Nothing changed between us as we continued to fight and argue all the time. I tried leaving two more times in the last 10 years and gave up and gave in with depression and a surprise pregnancy. I was really so angry with myself for wavering and not making the divorce quicker before I fell prey to him. He uses mental illness against me all the time saying I have a family history of mental illness. My sister has schizophrenia and brother have bipolar. I know he thrives on driving me mad and demented with nothing left to myself but an empty shell. Yet it’s hard to imagine him leaving me alone if we ever get divorce since he wants keep me and the children for narcissistic supply.

    Please share with my what your opinions are concerning my situation. I appreciate feedback. There’s confusion here and I’m afraid of the confusions that I can make more mistakes by not working on healing completely yet.

    July 10, 2015

    Hi Melanie,
    I just left my husband after 14 years of marriage. He is a textbook example of a narcissist. We have a 6 year old child together and my fear was that my son would grow up to be just like his father and finally we left. As I think about the time I have been with my husband- he has job hopped every 18 months, always claiming that someone “wronged” him at the office or that his hard work and dedication went “unnoticed.” He has gotten DUI’s, one time blaming me because I showed up at the bar and told him not to drive and get in my car but he refused and drove off like a maniac. He said if I hadn’t shown up, he would have had no reason to get upset. He spends money and makes large purchases without even discussing it with me- expensive watches, cars, huge bar tabs etc… In the past when he is up to no good, he will simply ignore any phone calls or texts from me. Then in 2013, he had an affair with a woman who he called the “one that got away.” She was a narc as well and their relationship was volitle beyond belief. My husband threw their affair in my face, accepting phone calls from her at all hours of the day and night, sneaking off for hotel romps and then when the relationship fizzled he came crawling back and me being the doormat took him back. Months after that he gets in a bar fight that leaves him with a Traumatic Brain Injury and I felt like he really needed me and got further sucked in to his manipulation. He ended up losing his job and I became the breadwinner. I have a great job but he looks at my position as insignifant except when I get paid and then he wants the money to pay the bills because he says I don’t know what I am doing when it comes to paying bills. Then in 2015, he meets this 20 year old girl that he says has a “bright” future and he gives her $2k to get an apartment which I discovered after the fact, gave her an iPhone, got her a job, disappeared with her for a week without so much as a text or a phone call. Then when that fizzled out he came crawling back and I took him back yet again. He hides behind his phone and sends text messages to destroy people. He was upset about something with my brother and sister and sent text messages to them as well as my 16 year old niece, bringing up personal struggles that they had endured. He nearly destroyed my family with what he had done. He was hoping I would cut ties from my family. Then more recently he sent the most despicable text messages to our neighbors, prompting them to call the police. He justified his actions by telling me that these neighbors didn’t like us anyway and what did I care. And literally my entire street, un-friended me on Facebook and began to ignore me because of him. As a father, he is lazy and only tolerates our very active son when he is well behaved. When I go on business trips, he needs to hire a sitter to help him because he can’t handle taking care of our son. If I go out with friends which is rare, I am bombarded by text messages and most recently I was at the movies and he texted me to order him food because he didn’t have the number to order pizza. He never helps out with the house so I am forced to do everything. I absolutely hate the person that I am around him. I am always stressed and end up yelling all the time and that’s not me. My son and I are at my parents now and this environment is so calm and happy. My husband can’t accept that we left and keeps saying I ruined everything and he is so depressed over the leaving and that I am stealing his son from him. Funny thing is that when he feels like he needs to clear his head in the past and leaves the house- he could care less about our son. Since my parents live two hours away from my house, I need to figure out so many things. I used to love my house and how much love I poured into making it beautiful but I realize that it wasn’t a home and just material things. I know I made the best decision for my son and I, but there are times that I feel that he can suck me back when he sends pictures of our house and the projects he has completed to make it even more beautiful but I know he manipulating me.
    I am happy to have found your blog. I am trying to heal and will be meeting with an attorney next week. This has been such a difficult process especially when my son tells me how much he misses “daddy.” My husband thinks I am just throwing a temper tantrum and will be back under his control once again. The more I recap my life with him, the more I realize that this was a toxic relationship where I would give so much and all he would do is take.

    July 20, 2015

    Another profound read for me. Thank you….it feels therapeutic on a cognitive level to reframe the victim mentality into something so healing, yet responsible. Thank you!!!!

    dmv license plate charlotte nc
    May 27, 2017

    THX that’s a great answer!

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