hi Rivka, wow. i did the early “difficult” essential conversations with my last EXnarcissist. & he reassured me @ each point when i was looking @ important things in our communication/relationship. BUT i didn’t LISTEN to myself about feeling uncomfortable with his answers even though he always “SAID THE RIGHT THING”. but what he did do which HOOKED me immediately in one such conversation was he asked me to help him heal. OMG. of course i knew i had parts still needing to be healed even though i’d been diligently doing healing work for 20years by this point. he just reassured me of his compatibility/devotion to growth & creating a “forever home” 🙁 instead of showing TRUTH which didn’t come out till we’d already moved in together. by then i had committed with everything inside myself. i lived the entire 22months long relationship (which was SHORTER than other EXNarcRelationship i’d had, so thanksGOD i got OUT sooner than i HAD from a previous NarcRelationship…mind you i had never heard of COVERTNarcsNPD) WATCHING myself be abused from a place of complete shock Within. i knew too much to have allowed this to happen to myself. (i can’t thankYou enough MelanieToniaEvans for the work you are doing.) even KNOWING everything you are describing Rivka, it sounds like you are IN DENIAL. asking yourself if you are TRULY JOYFULL may help to uncover how you are REALLY DOING. i was in denial nearly the entire EXnarcRelationship. only when the emotional/mentalabuse was matched by physicalAbuse & i literally Feared for my life…did it CLICK i needed to get out to save my life. i had severe anxiety & adrenal insufficiency, fatigue, feelings of hopelessness, being too old, not having any idea of what’s NEXT on & on…i was searching symptomology on google & found the term COVERTnpd…& began to watch several different youtube channels re: covertNPD. but 9months went before i came across Videos from MelanieToniaEvans’ work. i am FOREVER gratefull to IDENTITFY the EVEN DEEPER core FEELINGS which were creating my beliefs/connection to NARCS (my father had NPD & my mother became LIKE him to survive him ? they got married in 1950…different generation of relationships…you just LIVED with “IT”). this is a daily journey of checking in & honoring myself. the anxiety has lessened so much within only 6weeks of doing the work…i still have a ways to go & am so honored to take this JOURNEY to wholeness & the life i deserve withIN & withOUT. Rivka, it’s LIFESAVING to match the INSIDES with the outsides…& the knowing & the FEELING. denial is dangerous. but only YOU can listen to YOU & TRUST what you want to create with your life. Blessings !!

I meant NOT cherished

Wow! This helped me so much today. I was talking to my exs sister last night. She got quite overwhelmed as she admitted she has narcissistic tendencies to because of how they were treated as children. She has a hard exterior but hides her emotions. She said she built a wall around herself which my ex also has. I do feel very sorry for them but I also had a bad childhood experience and an abusive ex husband but he can’t fix me like I can’t fix him. I wanted to help him. , I wanted us to help each other but they seem so emotionally disconnected that they can’t. The moment I decided to leave was when my ex flirted with other women and obviously needed attention outside of our relationship. However much I love him and wanted to support him i wont be the sacrificial lamb! Why should any of us put up with bad behaviour just because someone was treated badly as a child? I was but if I cheated or flirted etc I wouldn’t expect anyone to blame my past and stay with me. I think that makes us either weak or desperate looking. I imagine a narcissist would think that gives them the right to continue with bad behaviour. I needed to hear that today and although I feel sorry for my ex i understand I can’t do anything and I’m pretty sure he’ll never be short of other supply. I doubt he ever truly loved me. Just easy supply and great supply I believe. There may be degrees of supply good or excellent but that’s all we are, we are cherished by narcissists unfortunately. I am in pain as I love him dearly. I hate thinking he’ll grow old alone without anyone around but I’m sure he’ll get someone or if not then if he won’t let his defences down he only has himself to blame. It’s hard but I know I have to try and look after myself now. Thanks Tonia for your help and support x

I am deeply appreciative for your blog and this information. I have been a rescuer in my life and recently realized I have a very close friend who is a narcissist whom I finally detached from because she was incapable of ever being wrong. I did not realize that someone who can never admit mistakes or faults is actually a narcissist. For years I felt confused and angry over our debates and could not understand what was going on. Now I get it. As an adult child, I used other ways to compensate for my wounded inner child, usually saving or fixing and this caused me a lot of pain. Now I get it. I belong to ACA Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families and attend face to face as well as telephone meetings. It is a life saving resource for recovery from growing up in dysfunction. We can learn to take care of ourselves….Thank you

Its still trying to rescue them , and feeling sorry for their childhood abuse , and having hope that the abuser can change on a cellular level, so they might stop being abusive.
It will never ever happen. These guys/women think of us as weak idiots that they can use and manipulate. Why would all of a sudden they take our advice and care what we have to say ?
Literally, these guys look at us like we are doormats and pathetic, they can abuse us, call us every name in the book , and at the end we are still trying to “heal” them.
I will never let my narc see me as the dumb, niave weak woman that he treats me like I am by even giving him the chance to reject my help or not .

Melanie, thank you. And I hear you. It makes sense – that he has to own his own healing. Of course I’ve tried countless times and ways of helping before and ended up in the exact same place: deeply emotionally abused. Fortunately, nothing worse.

I’ve sent him your “About Quanta Healing” article and told him that if this sounds like something he’s interested in trying that I’d point him in the right direction. I’ll just send him to your website and wash my hands of it.

Hi Dana,

I am so pleased my resources are speaking to you.

The truth is Dana, and many of us have been through it – N’s will say they want help and ask us to help at times – maybe sincerely at those times of genuine narcissistic injury (w which is fleeting) – but generally the appeals and listening to our prescriptions for them are only to retain attention (N supply).

The only way you can heal is to take full attention off his healing and put it fully onto your own.

There is a distinct truth with any person who wants to and will heal – they will find their own way and resources.

As children they were powerless to, as adults that need to take responsibility and are not.And of their healing is to be real – it has to be instigated and committed to by themselves.

Any person advising an abuser, should not be intimate partner and / or someone they have previously abused.

In as far as my programs going – anyone healing from abuse NARP is always the starting point.

I hope this helps.

Mel xo

Please advise: My ex is very much an “Altruistic Narc.” He suffered horrible physical and “all the above” abuse throughout childhood. He is authentically in search of finding true healing as traditional therapy has gotten him nowhere. Although I have physically left him, I broke “no contact” today and did tell him in text message that I am finding tremendous guidance and healing through your videos and soon NARC course to inspire him to do the same. I know… I am still trying to save him and I know I can’t – he has to save himself. But the truth is that he WANTS to. Desperately. I believe that right now is the perfect time for him to finally get healing. Not from ME, but I am hopeful that you can point me in the right direction. Would the “Transforming Family of Origin Wounds” Course be appropriate for him? Is there an appropriate resource using Quanta Healing for narcissists who want to heal? (And, I want to assure you — your wisdom has not fallen on deaf ears or heart. I am NOT going back to this man. I’ve left him at least a dozen times before. But this time is COMPLETELY different. I’ve shifted. I’m ready to move on and do the work to transform MYSELF. I no longer want to be with him. I do, however, want to offer him what miracles I’ve found through this program, if there is, in fact, something suitable you can recommend.)