Wow Robbie, I can relate, thank you for posting. My husband, daughter and son in-law have different levels of NPD. I thought I was crazy for years because they are quick to label me if I stand in my own truth. It has been a horrific battle since her middle school years. Now they are using our grandson as a pawn, and accused me of abuse. I found this site and started doing the work I needed to heal. It has been life changing for me. I also will not go backwards again !!!

Hi, Elise,
I have been doing more reading on the blog and it looks like I was not healed enough when I making this attempt at setting my boundaries. I was very close but missing a key part. The key part missing is when I set these boundaries and I realized that the abuser was perceiving my boundary setting as attacking them Or being mean to them that just means that they are really proving they are indeed very vile and narcissistic. I would give it sometime to see if they could do what I asked which was treating me with respect and talking to me in a kinder way but most likely they cannot rise to my level, therefore we simply are not a match. They are to be pitied and I really should of never spent any time worrying about their response. Now that I am educated I would expect the response I received instead of being mad they couldn’t do what I asked and turned it on me. I hope this helps you.

Hi Julie, I had a similar experience. And I was just trying to explain that I didn’t resonate with how they were perceiving what I was communicating. And that they seemed to be interpreting it in a completely different way than I was trying to communicate it.

But it felt like I communicated it badly or something and they seemed to take it as an attack from me and kind of started attacking back. And I totally wasn’t trying to be attacking, but was doing the best I could to do it in a loving way. Apparently, I failed at it miserably. 🤷‍♀️

Well said Pam! Block, and never look back.

Why does it feel mean of me when I am setting boundaries and explaining to the abuser how they have hurt me? It’s confusing to me why at that point I feel like the mean one, but I do want them to know why I’m setting the boundaries. I am not the one ever dishing out the mistreatment and they perceive my pointing out the mistreatment and boundary setting as mistreatment to them!!! Mind bending I feel is the word you would use here.

What you are saying is also stated by Jordan Peterson, “Treat yourself as someone you are responsible for helping”. We would take care of a sick person or a pet or a child, but we somehow put ourselves last, to our detriment. My nature is to give and please until I’m emptied out, but as you pointed out, this doesn’t serve anyone: I was just getting resentful, and others didn’t respect me. This is also not me being true or authentic or respectful to myself. Taking responsibility for taking care of me, and learning to say “No”, doesn’t mean people will like me less, and if they do, well, they’re not aligned with my values anyway and I don’t really need them in my life. Still a work in progress, but getting there.

Thank you so much for doing what you do!

I so much can relate to ALL you are saying Luisa!
The thing that needs the be figured out what you want to do with your own free self: what you want to become… and after that “define self” how do you get there somehow when you are not at the age when you can easily acquire new friends and do not want to feel lonely in this world… getting friends takes time as you know it and patience… it will be a long process… the only thing is left to do is committed to that long time frame and stuff coming with it…