Comments on: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery – How Long Will It Take?

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 00:05:01 +0000

In reply to Kelly C.

Hi Kelly,

I can so relate Dear Lady, that often decades of self-work came to lots of intellectual understanding yet the trauma still remains and plays out inside us, no matter what we “know”.

Awww gosh I understand this dilemma because I went through all of that too! But please know Kelly that is still trying to work it out cognitive. The true healing journey (as myself and so many others discovered) is a deeper one, and a much SIMPLER one, it is about going within and releasing our trauma – then there is nothing to work out. We just start showing up as and generating “healthy.”

Ok as per your example – there is the trauma of being persecuted within you, it started way back – before the N’s as an adult. And this is why it still happens, because that trauma still lives on.

Re the feedback that you provide regrading the facial, the trauma you are feeling is the trauma of being criticised when you are real and truthful and saying things when trying to honour you. Again this is showing you unhealed trauma from childhood, and / or epigenetically (generational) within that you can find, target and heal.

When that shifts the entire experiences that you are fearing will shift.

Can you see what this leading to? There is only ONE place to focus and do the work – inside. Then everything changes.

Come into my free webinar Kelly, because truly then once you experience what I am saying you will know deeply how to solve this.

https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

I hope this helps.

Mel xo

It is about fidinga nd releasing that truama nd then it wont show up in your life and you wont be showing up in ways that are uncosnciously co-genrating it either.

By: Kelly C

Kelly C — Sat, 09 Sep 2017 13:43:20 +0000

Dear Mel,
I have just recently found you and your resources. I have been through several years of therapy, and even got my master’s in counseling to try to figure out life—and I am still in agony. Your resources give me hope! It makes sense to me how the world mirrors things back to us. But now I find myself afraid to be assertive—if I complain, do I bring complaining in to my life? If I tell a rude person that she is rude, does that bring confrontation into my life?
Two examples from yesterday: a Facebook friend posted an article on narcissism, and I respond. She got offended and called me “preachy” and “holier-than-thou”. It stung–to the point that I saw that I have done this to others, and I had a moment of grief that I had caused this pain in other’s lives. I was nice to her, and even apologized for offending her—-BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO BE NICE. I want to tell her off, like she did to me!!!! Or at least, point out her rudeness, as she was insistent that I need to change, and she is fine—–but I took the high road and let it be. It doesn’t feel good. But I want the toxicity out of my life!! My question is, how much can I say and still not damage my life?
Example 2: I went and got a facial yesterday. It was probably the worst facial I’ve ever had, despite multiple requests to apply the product on my entire face, not just the outlines. I now have an email requesting my feedback. If I am honest, does that invite criticism into my life?

By: Janey

Janey — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 10:15:03 +0000

I’m stuck the same as Nic. The new supply is 24 years younger, very pretty and bubbly and he is taking up with her friends so mixing with much younger couples. He is over the moon: new life and he is ignoring me more and more all at the same time as not acknowledging what he is doing, just keeping out of my way as I’m such an awful person (he says). I helped to nurse my mother for many years and am now living with bereavement and having to sort out her belongings as well as mine to thin out and tidy up. I feel so emotional and lonely but he refuses to touch or hug me. “Get over it, she was old” is all he said. I feel broken, overwhelmingly sad and jealous. The latter emotion has not been one I’ve had to cope with as I always secretly bless people and know they are on a similar journey to me. It all works out. Yet this was all done behind my back and I realise the new supply can’t be a nice person to do this to me to get him! I’m shocked at how she can do this to a so-called couple of nearly 3 decades. Trouble is she is a colleague so we will need to muddle through somehow. I absolutely dread being sidelined and knowing our friends will be seeing them as a couple. He has been saying for years that our friends don’t like me, that they know I’m mad (“they’re sick of your craziness”) and lately they have all been ignoring messages inviting them over to dinner, etc so they must know what I’m not supposed to know. He suddenly goes out with them and tells me on the day saying I’m not invited or I’m working or they don’t want me there. I don’t know how to handle this as it will surely look needy to contact them separately.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Tue, 04 Apr 2017 12:19:19 +0000

thank you for sharing your story. I am in the same boat as the physical attraction and chemistry was so intense , like something out of a romantic movie where you can’t get enough of each other. I realized that it was all we really ever had and when I really think about it, a lot of it was desire for connection and the only connection I could feel with him. Even that and how often was on his terms. When I would tell him I loved him, his reply was “I don’t need any one to love me, I love myself” . He wasn’t kidding. I recently read that male Narcs have overwhelming amounts of testosterone, which is a real attraction to a female. It is a recent breakup so it is really difficult, especially since the day after I found out my sister has a month to live due to cancer. I more than ever need him to hold me. My fear is that no one would or could measure up to the intensity that we had and I am too broken to take a chance on someone else. The worst part is that I was with a narc before , stayed away from men for 13 years until he came along and unknowingly repeated the pattern. I am just learning about narcissism and recently discovered this. Hang in there V. You are not alone..
I wish you love and light.

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Tue, 04 Apr 2017 01:16:33 +0000

In reply to Nic.

Hi Nic,

This is about healing that trauma within you – then the thoughts that are being generated from the trauma simply won’t happen … because there will be nothing to generate them.

The deeper roots of this are – as you are pointing to … “Other people are more loveable / worthy of love than me.”

“I am not enough to be loved .. etc.”

Where in your history were these beliefs formed? Is this how you felt when you were little?

Those are the original wounds in repeat that are now coming to your attention so that you can finally free yourself of that trauma.

Then … truly you wan’t even think about him or her … and you will no longer be susceptible to relationships where you will live in “repeat” of the as yet unhealed original trauma.

I hope this helps you realise the inner work that is so necessary.

Mel xo

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Tue, 04 Apr 2017 01:11:11 +0000

In reply to Meg.

Hi Meg,

Please know that wound and sadness is rooted in deep early trauma … because when we shift up and out of that we reach the higher wisdom – that everyone’s journey is blessed no matter how it looks.

If you were to track that charge through your body and uplevel it – I promise you it would be cleared out.

Most of us, to varying degrees, had the same trauma going on – and felt the same feelings … yours truly included!

Module 6 in NARP – is specific to healing that EXACT trauma.

You are so welcome regarding my work, and I am so pleased I am able to help and guide you.

Mel xo

By: Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans — Tue, 04 Apr 2017 01:06:53 +0000

In reply to Deborah Bennett.

Hi Deborah,

thank you for your lovely, kind comments!

I am so pleased this episode resonated with you … and I love that it has helped you connect to and create an even more loving relationship with yourself.

That is wonderful that NARP has already helped you so much, and I love that you are now dedicating to apply the healings at the times of the triggers …

You are so your way dear Lady!

Mel xo

By: Nic

Nic — Mon, 03 Apr 2017 21:29:00 +0000

So here’s where I’m stuck: I keep thinking he’s going to change for her – the woman he had an affair width, which he denies completely, even though he was caught multiple times red handed and is now living with her. The thought isn’t that I wish he would change because I miss him, or want to be with him, because I recognize how sick our relationship was. But it’s the thought that he’s going to change for HER but wouldn’t change for me because I wasn’t _____ that she is. I can’t stop the cycle.

By: Meg

Meg — Mon, 03 Apr 2017 20:09:35 +0000

Hi Melanie,

I have done a lot of personal work and have become a significantly less co-dependent, emotionally whole person. The only thing that I still struggle with is just overwhelming sadness for this person. It’s not rooted in guilt… I don’t feel the guilt anymore for doing what was best for me and I fully understand that what this person did is very wrong… but I still can’t shake feeling bad that this person is essentially doomed to live a very sad and loveless life, knowing that it comes from wounds that they have not been able to heal. I know that he is suffering and I still can’t shake the sadness. When I went no contact, I did it very abruptly and didn’t expound on why I was done with him. I know that he would not have received the information that I had finally put together about him and that most likely, it would have been turned back onto me or somehow been my fault. But there is still somewhere inside of my that wishes, for his own sake, that he could find healing and it does still affect me. Is this a sign that there is still more work to be done internally or is this just compassion? I’m trying to find where this comes from inside of me and I’m just not sure if this is still an untended wound or if it’s just lingering compassion/empathy.

Thank you so much for your work. It has helped me tremendously put words around so many things I felt and couldn’t understand. It has made a huge difference in my life and I am thankful.