Comments on: The Benevolent Narcissist Hides Behind Good Deeds

By: JD

JD — Fri, 19 May 2023 04:49:52 +0000

This video has rescued me. I have lived with an extremely violent and emotionally abusive narcissistic wife for 6 years. If I wrote an honest behavioral description it would be as if I plagiarized a textbook on covert malignant narcissism. It is an extreme case possibly born from a traumatic childhood raised by a mentally ill uncaring mother. When deservedly but gently confronted she exudes a level evil and hate one could not imagine unless it was experienced. Eyes go black. Voice deepens. Voice inflection changes. Dogs shakes under the bed. The words spoken are cruel and intentionally damaging beyond what I would have previously imagined possible from a human being. Conflict resolution techniques are not at all possible. Reason and logic are useless. Typical.
But then (as long as I am in line) there will be days or weeks of a sweet and seemingly caring and generous person (even as hollow as I now recognize it to be). Tragically for me this confusion has kept me doubting myself and trapped in this nightmare cycle for years. I am a shell of my former self.
I must be unlucky since I have researched this topic extensively, and have never come across the term benevolent narcissist. Now I have a behavior profile that fits like a puzzle piece. I never before could reconcile her periods of kindness with being a narcissist.
I am very grateful. This has made a big difference for me. I’m confident that I now have the will to escape.
Thank you very much

By: Erika

Erika — Wed, 07 Dec 2022 12:04:22 +0000

In reply to Deborah. 100% - “does anyone else do the things I do for you??? I don’t think so. I am SO GOOD to you.”

By: Tracey

Tracey — Sun, 07 Aug 2022 20:32:24 +0000

In reply to Anne.

Anne,
I feel your pain I was feeling really lost and lonely but the modules definitely help. Believe me it was the right move. Having been through this twice now you will get through it. It’s good that you have your children. My most recent narcissist has turned my children against me. I believe he’s been manipulating them all along and saying things that weren’t true. I’m hoping that working the modules and healing myself things will change.

I work from home so there is not a lot of opportunity to meet people. Hopefully in the future I’ll figure out something to get me out of the house. In the meantime I try to exercise and eat right and put the focus on me.

Good Luck!

By: Tracey

Tracey — Sun, 07 Aug 2022 20:30:39 +0000

Yes yes and yes to this! I just spent nine years with the benevolent narcissist. My first husband was definitely a narcissist and definitely bordered on psychopathy so this one being so different I had no clue. He was so kind to my children who never had a real father figure he got to me through them. He was so loving and giving until he wasn’t, to me anyway. He was giving to those on the outside. The financial abuse the lies the deceit the gaslighting, projection, deflection and the funny thing is I used to call him out on all of those things so I guess he got tired of it. He did leave a few months ago but has continued to try to reel me back in even after he left. I did not realize he was a narcissist. I had a friend who pointed out the behavior and I seriously looked and our whole relationship was one big red flag. There was financial abuse although I had taken steps to protect myself and there’s now a property battle or dispute and I’m pretty sure he’s going to take me to court which he knows I dislike immensely but I’ll get through it just like I got through my divorce with the ex narcissist.

Melanie you do such great work I am so glad I found you. Your community here is amazing. I did not know about narcissistic abuse, I spent years confused, anxious and in a state of panic it’s all making sense now.

Working on the modules I’m definitely feeling better. I have minimized contact although he has tried to push my boundaries I’ve pushed right back. Hopefully he’ll just go away and leave me alone since he already found his new supply, and the funny thing is she has the same last name as me, which is definitely not a common name. I also know people who know her and I feel sorry for her but there’s really nothing I can do.

By: Anne

Anne — Sun, 24 Jul 2022 05:09:52 +0000

This is the most helpful of all your blogs. I was careful to marry a man with common goals and dreams. We had multiple adventures. Bike tour through Europe and the states two beautiful children. He would burn his bridges and we would move and start over always with a new big goal of altruism. When I began to heal my trauma and got training as an intuitive healer he promised to heal his own wounds. Imagine my fear pain and disbelief as his narc came out after 30 years of dancing his avoidance dance. When it came out it was with a vengeance and his past acts seem to be just that acts. He was a false pastor, benevolent fund raiser and author. All NARC filled. I was what made it all possible. I believed in our life and family and held it together until his abuse was killing me. Thank you for the map. I have been able to maintain ignorance so that I got half of everything and all our belongings. I’ve moved half way across the country and he just mailed me money to pay his half of divorce fees. I am maintaining only necessary contact through my lawyer and I think I’ve won.

I feel so lost and lonely. I wonder if the move was right. I hate the summer weather here in the Midwest after the cool mountain air in the PNW but I am miles from him and that’s what I needed right now. I miss my two grown children but I have kept a relationship with both of them. My friends are mostly minions of his now but I am free.

By: Man from California

Man from California — Wed, 06 Jul 2022 01:26:36 +0000

Thank you, Astra.
Thank you, Astra.
Thank you, Astra.

Thank you to this blog/forum/community.

By: Man from California

Man from California — Tue, 05 Jul 2022 01:02:28 +0000

Christina: I’m good with you concluding “100%.” Go there, please. Do what you must to heal. It is a journey, it is complicated, it is painful at times, it requires help and support and places like this (this blog, or NARP, or both), but you (and I, and we) can get there, I think.

I feel like “we are the sane” in the face of “you are the psychopathic/sociopathic insane.” I don’t need a psychology degree to say “this abuse, pure and simple.” We can do this. It is work, we have support (Mel, others here…), but we can do it. I’ve dusted myself off and am looking to walk straight ahead and march into my new future, so I think you can, too.

By: Carol

Carol — Fri, 17 Jun 2022 20:17:29 +0000

Thank you so much, Melanie, for describing the Benevolent Narcissist. That was one of the things that was so confusing to me, i.e., how she could be so loving and helpful and then unleash negative, poisonous words on me when I least expected them because her perceptions were the only correct ones. If I said something that she misinterpreted, her misperceptions were true and therefore my fault somehow. When I tried to explain what I meant, she would call it ‘justifying’ myself. It was a no-win situation so that I became less and less of myself because I felt that not only was I walking on eggshells but that her unexpected responses were soul crushing. She was always righteous about her anger and felt no remorse. Rather it was that I was ‘too sensitive’ which as an empath, I am very sensitive especially to anger directed at me.
I kept seeking to go back to that magical place at the beginning where we both seemed to have felt an electric current coursing through us on our first hug. I believed so thoroughly in that intensity that I still believe she also felt, that I put up with and downplayed things I never would have before in a partnership. She felt she did the same. Is it possible that we are both narcissists in different ways?
Now even three years later, I still think about the good parts and keep hoping that she has ‘taken her own inventory’ as I have taken mine of our own behaviors that contributed to our break up but when we have spoken (very rarely) it is clear that she has taken her inventory of how she was offended and mistreated not what her own behaviors were that contributed to our break up. The good parts of our relationship are almost like a drug and I consciously have to think of a negative situation when the feeling to contact her comes back. I still can’t/don’t believe she was a bad person with malicious intentions as she was very kind to animals and her friends but when I remember the scared feeling I had witnessing her dark, black hole delight in thinking (but not taking) revenge on people, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was really not right and trustworthy. I had to break our relationship because I felt I would get sick with anxiety if I continued so I did just that after eight years. A year after that I had a ruptured appendix where I believe all of my negative feelings had been stored. I really believe that partners of narcissists need to be very mindful of the possible damage to their own health and well-being.

By: Christina

Christina — Wed, 15 Jun 2022 23:02:20 +0000

I am 99.9999999% sure my partner is a benevolent narcissist. Listening to this video was like reading my journal.