A benevolent or altruistic narcissist is tricky to spot. They are not your typical narcissists because they are giving and caring and show every sign of loving you.
They grant you attention, time, and effort. They’re very generous in that way, but when they turn on you, it’s just as devastating as with any narcissist. You’ll feel attacked, confused, shocked, devalued and discarded … sound familiar?
This video is all about understanding the benevolent narcissist’s particular manipulation tactics and how they hide behind good deeds to deceive you and everyone else.
Yet, healing yourself after falling for these tricky, toxic types is possible, as is identifying them sooner than later – watch the video or read the transcript to learn how.
Video Transcript
Today I want to talk to you about the benevolent narcissist, also known as the altruistic narcissist, because they can be really hard to pick out. They’re extremely confusing to be in any kind of relationship with, such as an intimate relationship, or if they’re a family member, or if it’s somebody connected to you in any way.
Yet a narcissist is a narcissist and no matter how lovely a narcissist can be, they’re still a narcissist and incredibly abusive to be around. Of course, in many ways it can be even more devastating when you’re hanging onto a narcissist, because you are really justifying them. They can be so wonderful to you and others, maybe even most of the time.
Before we get going, I’d like to remind you to like and subscribe to my YouTube channel. If you find my videos and transcripts useful, please share them with other people that they can help.
The Benevolent Altruistic Narcissist Is Not Your Typical Narcissist
Many people, including myself, took a long time to work out what was going on with this narcissist. If you’ve had more typical narcissistic encounters, you know that the narcissist, once the honeymoon period is over and all the cracks appear, doesn’t tend to put themselves out for other people unless there’s a definite agenda or payoff.
When things start really breaking down in your relationship with this person, they don’t tend to hide their narcissism as much. You discover that they’re really entitled, cruel, calculating and nasty, and that’s the majority of the time. There’s less and less smatterings of the being nice.
Yet, the benevolent narcissist is often giving and caring. And even when you’ve had horrific episodes with this person, if you get through them, you find that they come back to being caring and seeming to love you.
They grant you attention and time and effort. They’re very generous with those things, but when they turn on you, it’s just as devastating as with any narcissist.
Is it any wonder that you are thinking, “How can this person be a narcissist? Surely things like entitlement and superiority wouldn’t allow this person to go over and beyond with their generosity and the way they are with people by being so giving to causes and institutions. And of course, the way that they treat me so beautifully.” Yet this person is narcissistic. Absolutely.
How you can know this is by understanding what I humbly believe the true definition of narcissism is. The true definition, I believe, is unconsciousness, meaning, “I’m not going to take responsibility for my behaviour. It’s always somebody else’s fault and I’m not going to turn within and I’m not going to do the inner work on my traumatized parts to heal them.”
“I’m not going to take responsibility and do something about myself in order to change my beliefs, my behaviour, and therefore my life.” Somebody else’s fault – always.
Narcissists when triggered into narcissistic injury – which really just means when things don’t go the way they need them to be in order to maintain their version of self – go into a narcissistic trigger, a narcissistic injury, which really usually is a narcissistic rage. It can be cold, it can be hot.
What it means is they’re either going to stonewall and abandon really cruelly, or they lash out. A benevolent narcissist, those who appear to be altruistic people, they are no different at the time of a narcissistic trigger. At these times you really can’t tell the difference between them and any other variety of narcissist. But the difference really is in how this narcissist behaves in order to get narcissistic supply.
How Does The Benevolent Narcissist Manipulate?
We need to look at how the benevolent narcissist manipulates to get people’s Life Force and energy and stuff?
This narcissist knows how to give to get. A really simple example of this would be a narcissistic parent who over gives and then could say to their child, “Look at what I do for you” to hold them to something with guilt because this is controlling.
It’s a way of giving by the altruistic narcissist to win allegiance, loyalty and servitude from people and be able to call on them, making them feel obligated to supply favours, sex, money, energy, and attention.
It’s also a very powerful method to keep people bonded to the narcissist. This ensures that they’re not going to leave and they’ll cling and get dependent on all the wonderful things that the narcissist supplies – things like regular declarations of love, oodles of compliments, words of approval, financial security. This type of narcissist commonly banks on people becoming dependent on them so that the narcissist can get out of the deal what they want. Absolutely.
Also, when this narcissistic personality explodes, this person’s going to hang around because they can’t let go, believing that there’s hope for this person to stop the terrible behaviour and justifying to themselves that these explosions aren’t all the time. Plus, the narcissist is also going to say, “But look at all the amazing things I do for you and how good I am to you,” which will really minimalize those highly abusive times.
Also, other people usually believe that this person is such a good Soul because they see and they hear you gushing about all the amazing things this person does for you. They think, “Well, this person cares. They give, they have so many good traits. It must have just been a moment.” It isn’t until they start to know this person up close and personal that they see a different reality.
I really can’t tell you how many people in this community started off having a more typical type narcissist and then thought that they had avoided narcissists in their future, believing, “I don’t have narcissistic bosses anymore. I don’t do lovers that are narcissistic anymore.” Then they experience an altruistic narcissist, whether it be a boss or a neighbour or a friendship or an intimate partner relationship.
They get really confused trying to work out what is really going on with this. This is where I want to help you get clarity. Abuse is abuse and as Thrivers it is so important to know that your power, your truth and your life is to do with your own choices.
We go wrong when we try to make it about trying to work out others and why they behave the way they do. When we are doing that and you’re with somebody like an altruistic narcissist, you’re walking on broken glass and you’re enduring people who are abusing you in these moments, regardless of how infrequently it may happen. Abuse is abuse.
What Narcissistic Abuse Looks Like
Let’s look at what all narcissistic abuse looks like. It’s nasty, it’s personal, it’s low blows. It’s attacking. It’s a total projection onto you because the narcissist has heard you say something or experienced you doing something that truly any rational adult would not get bent out of shape about.
Let me give you some examples. Maybe you ask for something or you make a comment, just a comment, or look at them a certain way or sigh, or have some disappointment in your voice or something. The narcissist takes umbrage in a way that shocks you. The reaction is way out of proportion.
If you try to help the narcissist by making some constructive suggestions, they turn on you and they accuse you of all sorts of things and you feel attacked, confused, shocked, devalued, and discarded. Of course, all narcissists swing into full narcissistic flight when you’re trying to hold them accountable for their shocking narcissistic behaviour. You’ve spoken up because of these ridiculous reactions and then they just double down and attack you harder.
Narcissists are also amoral – they don’t care about lying and doing the wrong thing. They really don’t. They never feel bad about doing immoral things. They feel bad about getting caught out about it. They don’t feel bad about lying, cheating and stealing. They really don’t. This particular narcissist just cloaks it by pretending to be a model citizen who’s honest, moral and practices monogamy.
Yet the truth is like all narcissists, they’re simply telling you whatever you need to hear in order to cover their tracks and continue living their lives as narcissists.
Many people have discovered with this type of narcissist, despite them telling you how much they adore you and they’re devoted to you, that they’re having affairs or are sex addicts. I’m not kidding. It’s really common with the altruistic narcissist.
Here is one of the altruistic narcissist’s favourite weapons – using obligation and guilt to get you to keep handing over more of your resources to them, telling you how much they’ve done for you and how you owe them.
This narcissist knows that you’re a good person. They know that you feel guilty and obligated and they know that they can manipulate you with this to keep exploiting you and emptying you out. Please know this, one moment of abuse without consciousness, without responsibility, without remorse, without atonement, without true reconciliation is one too many.
What I mean is this is abuse without course correct, and without an appropriate up level. Let’s say that this narcissist lashes out at you. They don’t apologize. They don’t take responsibility appropriately. You have to fight tooth and nail to try to get an apology. Or you have to leave for an amount of time before they are willing to put your feelings, your person, your Soul, before the defences of their ego, which firmly holds onto, “I’m above reproach. How dare you tell me that I am somehow wrong.”
They only apologize after you leave after far too long. And here’s what’s very important – the apology isn’t genuine. You know that because you give it a little poke with a stick and it’ll unravel and they’ll start doing tit for tat and blaming you and saying, “Well, what about you and what you do wrong?”
There will be, “I’m sorry, but” or, “I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?” That’s not a sorry. The apology doesn’t hold and because they were never genuinely remorseful, they never genuinely wanted to change their behaviour or themselves, they genuinely never cared about you no matter what comes out of their mouth – the apology is never going to hold. The narcissist will always reoffend with the same behaviour.
Or maybe this person just tries to make things up to you by attempting to sweep what they did under the rug with no acknowledgement of it. They’re not even going to talk about it. As far as they are concerned within their own skewed thinking, any wrongdoing was on your part and they are the bigger person for just reconnecting.
You may have gone through that with a narcissist in the past where there’s been a moment where they’ve been horrific, you separate, they get in contact and they say, “Look, I’m prepared to forgive you.” You’re like, “What did I do?” That’s how ridiculous narcissism is.
Even though it may not be often that the altruistic narcissist blows, like all narcissistic toxic cycles with these people, absolutely the abusive events will become more and more and more and significantly and explosively more dramatic.
Yes, then they may pick you up and love you and put you back together and even run around after you and do all these amazing things for you, like run you a bath and rub your back and put you to bed because they’ve broken you so much, but they’re going to keep breaking you. And you feel like you’re breaking. You’re losing your mind and even your Soul at the shock of how this seemingly beautiful kind generous person in these moments has inner demons that are viciously unleashed on you.
Already you’ve started to change to try to survive. You can’t be honest around this person. You can’t have boundaries and you can’t deny them what they want from you. Otherwise you’re going to experience their wrath, your Life Force and possibly so much more being sucked out of you. You are always wondering when the next episode is going to happen.
How Do You Survive And Then Thrive After A Benevolent Narcissist?
Firstly, it starts by being very clear about what your values and your truths are. It means that you start to be clear that you’ve got to be prepared to let go of somebody who is abusing you. They’re not going to change so you have to make space for real relationships which are healthy. But you have to get healthy enough to honour yourself and choose your Soul. It is much better to lose somebody else than to lose your Soul.
This means no longer participating with people who don’t have the capacity to be safe and healthy. Somebody who’s unconscious, which means they’re not taking responsibility for their behaviour, and they attack others mercilessly, is always going to reoffend.
Narcissists don’t turn inwards to heal their inner selves or their fractured beliefs, which are causing them to behave in ways that treat other people like dirt. You are not a flesh and blood autonomous human being to them. Rather, you’re a tool. You’re a prop. When you’re not feeding the true master False Self adequately, when the narcissist can’t mine and exploit you and suck your energy and your stuff to maintain their False Self, then they will line you up and punish you like all narcissists.
Altruistic narcissists are just very good at hiding this behind their good deeds. That’s the truth, this benevolent narcissist is a narcissist.
In Conclusion
The healing from a benevolent narcissist is identical to every other narcissist because this is about you taking back your power, life, Soul, and sanity. This is about healing your Inner Being up to wholeness. NARP, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, which is my flagship program, grants you that formulated path. The 10 specific Quantum Freedom Healing Modules are going to free you from all the susceptibilities and hooks that keep you ensnared by narcissists, so that you claim your Soul, your mind and your life emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually back.
To find out more about NARP, you can go to this link. I hope that this has given you greater clarity about the benevolent narcissist, because a lot of you go through life with benevolent narcissists. I hope now you know what they’re about, how you know they’re a narcissist, and that there is hope for you to get out of this, to get into real, authentic, loving, caring relationships. Not perfect, because all relationships take work, but with people that can up level and grow together and be real and be healthy because this relationship with the benevolent narcissist never can be. I hope this helps.
Hi Melanie!
Exactly! The words that come from a narcissists mouth are genuinely worthless!
when a narcissist speaks or does a “good deed” it is purely for selfish reasons! A narcissist does not understand the meaning and purpose of a “good deed”…therefore it is impossible for a narcissist to be truly benevolent or even genuinely kind, which should normally be valuable properties of a kind or selflessly engendered “good deed” and, to add this, more importantly, extremely valuable in our human interaction…. however, with a narcissist that simply is not true!
good deeds from a narcissist always come with a string attached or maybe I should say a great big rope….
After having recently, an interesting but difficult encounter with the narcissist, where a similar subject was discussed, this article makes so much sense, Melanie! Thank you so much for this topic! This helps!
Thank you for everything else, as well! Sending love! ❤️🦋❤️
Oh yes,
perfectly expressed Pater – it is a HUGE big rope!
I laughed at how true this is!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Very true. They only do kind acts when they think they will benefit from it. Never just for the sake of being kind.
Peter is building a bridge with the losses he’s suffered ♥️ I am, too! Thrive, brother! Isn’t it wild to see what’s discarded to the food pantry? Food so organic and produce so ripe I couldn’t afford it with the food stamps I’m on. Your sister can’t steal your Joy or your mission of love. Every hole we get thrown down is part of the map on the terrain. Thanks for recording your part! Family is coming H-Ohm. 🥰
Thank you, Melanie. After decades of building a life, a home, wealth and a son who got his Ph.D., my partner discarded me like only a narc can: by burning everything down (and stealing what was left so I would have none — her entire goal for all those years), social and profession destruction with smears that continue years later to this day and skipping town to marry yet again, all while leaving in her wake yet more boyfriends (and court-battle losses) as she ensnared her next prey. Meanwhile, my family helped me get back on my feet, but not without ugly jealousy from one sister who I figured out (late in life) is also a narc, but I couldn’t figure out how, I couldn’t figure out what was both different and yet as completely the same as are all narcissistic abusers (that is: they ABUSE!)
NOW I know this sister is a “benevolent” narc: THAT is how she is different than the typical “covert” type who stung me. I would love to completely “let her go,” but after my mother’s recent death, she is executrix / trustee of the family money, and is on a strange quest to only disburse it in dribs and drabs as she sees fit, dragging out the process for as long as possible, living in her multi-million dollar mansion behind closed gates after evicting my brother from the home we grew up in. My mother basically starved herself to death to protest having chosen this sick daughter to have her Power of Attorney…this is all so unbelievably sad and painful…and my mother’s service (funeral — I expect it to be a strange show) is coming right up. I will go, but I am certain I will suffer the (attempted) slings and arrows of siblings and other family members who don’t believe, understand, have compassion for nor care about what has happened (both to me, and unwittingly, to all of them, with this sister, the witch-in-the-driver’s seat). Meanwhile, the legally-required documents that the trust attorneys must send to us other (sibling) beneficiaries show $195 hairstyle appointments and credit card charges in the tens of thousands so she can buy expensive shoes. It’s sad, it’s sick, it’s something I hope to be able to point to (legally) and “claw back” somehow, but she leaves all of us weak, as she cackles with the checkbook and takes her sweet time divesting any of the money to the rest of us. I’ve never had to eat from a food pantry before, I’m a smart, upper-middle class, well-educated professional; this is soooo messed up.
When there is a crazy person (a wealthy-with-other-people’s-money benevolent narc) at the wheel and you’re going too fast towards the cliff of disaster, then what?!
At least I have a name for it now, so, again, thank you for explaining the “benevolent” flavor. And I do have NARP. And this blog. Sheesh: is there any ever release, relief or justice for those of us “clever” enough to figure out these sickos? I am determined to live my best life, but it’s not the first time somebody has said to me (about a narc who says she loves me): “she’s trying to KILL you!”
Hi Man From California,
it really is sick … absolutely.
Please know Source is your Source – not her. No matter what she takes, has, witholds she will never have Source or inner peace and Light.
You can let go, knowing it is only the beginning for you – as it can be for everyone who chooses the Light.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Man from Calfornia
Melanie has described it beautifully.
You will be the peaceful one. Seeing yourself for the true value you are… the One who will be completely free
. Finding Love within,that flows from above .
How powerful and happy you will be,with yourself…,every day stronger and stronger?
I wish you the best of ALL good things.xx …….after a ” time” you will not want to look back ..remember yes!! Bu the most incredible forward march of a lesson,well learnt
I know you will florish 🙏
P.s .Money does not buy happiness. ” as you are seeing revealed to you” the root of evil”that is where Narcs find their Power!!!..
..I can hear you are feeling hurt and angry,understandably so! ….
This too ” will pass”🙅
Keep your head high , and march forward and upward . You have the ” wisdom” let it be your understanding ❤️
I can certainly relate the gentleman from California. I have recently ( 3 yrs ) realize my sister is a narcissist and apparently benevolent too. The lies, stealing, love bombs, deceptions, manipulation etc is so profound that which has effected the entire family. She even lies to her attorney who in-turn promotes her lies. The entire immediate family will not associate with her anymore however she lives with our 92 yr old mother therefore my mother and myself can not avoid her. My mother does not trust her and is trying to do the best she can dealing with her. I call and visit mom every day to help keep her spirts up. We pray together and ask god to help us. Without going into more detail again I can relate to Mr California. Your blog is on point however there is one thing, my sister prays every morning, and portrays a holy personality. My sister feels she is truly blessed. We know the deception and the deranged actions but ask how can this be possible? We are praying for a miracle.
Man From California, Yep, that’s what they do – they are anti-life. They live on the dark-side where everything is death and decay, Satan’s Death Cult.
I also have a sister who turned full blown nasty nasty after my mother’s death. I always knew there was something wrong with her. I left home the day she threatened to kill me, and walked away from my family. Enough of being scapegoated under the disguise of ‘sibling rivalry’!! But it wasn’t until after my mother’s death, when said demon-sibling decided to get rid of the other parent so she could get her scaly mitts on as much as possible that I learned about narcissism. She poisoned her father into a state of incapacity and then had him institutionalized. When the true snake reared its ugly head, I realized I had been raised in a vipers nest!
Walking away from my family was the most difficult thing I did. Walking towards my own freedom was the best thing I could have done. No regrets, ever. We cannot take any of the stuff they covet so badly, with us to the grave.
Your sister wants you to hold on. She wants to know that she has power and control over you, that is what gives her life meaning. It would be sad if it wasn’t so very pathetic. Walk away, I say, there is nothing there for you.
With love
Ive met a few in the spiritual communities, one so bad I believe she’s tipping into sociopathy. Believes she’s a healer….a new chameleon skin….but left a trail of human husks expoited behind her. A daughter whos borderline and who she enables. A truly dangerous person. Violent, furious, entitled, pathologically lying, will use subterfuge and sabotage, behind a benevolent facade. Its quite stunning.
Hi Melanie-
Of all your many articles and videos this one registers the most with me…my ex could be incredibly giving but the payoff was more for him…he always got to look like the good and benevolent husband when I was actually being undermined…thank you for explaining this so clearly…thank you for all you do to clearly expose the various narcissistic types…if has helped me immensely.
Lori
Hi Lori,
Im thrilled that this one spoke to you!
I know how validating that realising the truth about this type of narcissist is!
Many continued healing blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Oh my goodness. This describes my ex.. “look what I’ve done for you, look at the gifts I’ve given you, I’ve spent so much on you (in comparison to what you spent on me), I’ve achieved this all on my own (not, quite the contrary) ..” etc and it goes on. Also, I did start to question the description as a narcissist as it didn’t happen overtly all the time but when it did – yes, it was abuse! The isolation and rejection (in the end), the false accusations and rage, the hatred in the eyes and I now know (which I didn’t before, the betrayal and the cheating. I took his flirting as pure attention seeking). As you say abuse is abuse – without apology, it was let slide as if nothing happened. It took me a long time (several years) but it all makes sense now. Thank you.
Hi Deborah,
I’m so pleased that this has helped validate you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
100% – “does anyone else do the things I do for you??? I don’t think so. I am SO GOOD to you.”
BAM! Hit the nail on the head! THIS is him. Thank you, now I have a name for it. So confusing to have horror wrapped up in a wonderful beautiful package….thank you for this and for what you do!
It’s my pleasure Jaya,
I’m so pleased that this helps!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much for sharing these snippets to the narc’s personality.
It’s taken me 4 years on and off to realise that I was in love with a narc but glad I have come this realisation and will break off this contact now.
We would split up and get back together.
This was on 4 different occasions!
Truly time wasting!
I would not receive any apology or responsibility for his offending actions but projecting lies towards my personality.
Calling me a bully, something is wrong with me and I’m moody and I’m none of those things in the slightest!
I recognise being an Empath when you’re being unconsciously incompetent can allow you to get drawn into these personality types that only care about themselves.
I understand why it took me this long to recognise this narc personality.
My own self worth was at an all time low and I sadly clung on to someone who like you say, would show love and kindness at times but then turns when confronted.
I’m no longer going to accept this abuse any longer and looking forward to joining your program.
It’s my time now and I’m ready.!
Sending love to you and all the fellow members of this community.
Hi San,
I’m pleased this has helped you.
I love that it is your time to heal.
Welcome to our wonderful community!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
NARP is the best! It has helped me enormously! Good decision, San 🙂
Thank you for this Melanie. I’ve been on my own for a year now after he finally moved out and straight into a relationship and home with another woman. Every day since he left I have questioned whether it was me or whether he really does have narcissistic traits because he could be so wonderfully loving and caring a lot of the time. This post has reminded me that he is probably an altruistic narcissistic type. Just after we met I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He looked after me following all three operations and was sooooo attentive and loving. It was all very much of a whirlwind and we moved in together very soon (now know is a red flag). You hit the nail on the head with ‘running a bath’! He did that a lot or other little things like bringing me a rose from the garden, showering me with cuddles and affection (which usually led to sex which he ‘needed’ frequently). However I realise now his expressions of ‘love’ didn’t extend to the important things like trying to build a relationship with my only daughter (quite the opposite…. alienated her so she wouldn’t come over anymore to my house), or any interest in my friends or family, nor contributing to household bills or chores. I worked more than full time hours whilst he sat watching TV or playing PC games. Even walking the dog who he professed to love very much became my job over lockdown (no big deal really because I enjoyed it) but he was lazy, watched TV or played PC games all day. (Incidentally he took the dog when he moved out with all the furniture and kitchen contents because he knew it would break my heart). I suffered months of silent treatment over lockdown (totalling at least 18 months) after I broke off our brief engagement (just had a gut feeling that he wanted to secure his future with a share of my house/money and potential inheritance) and he went off on one. Up to that point he was mostly loving. Said I humiliated him and cost him a lot of money with the engagement ring. Never said I broke his heart by calling it off nor tried to work on the relationship and the concerns I had. I obviously inflicted a severe narcissistic injury as he never let me forget it after that! He still believes I betrayed him. I have to laugh at that since he obviously found his new supply DURING lockdown when still living with me whereas I’m still alone. Who’s the betrayer? He did intermittently try to hoover me back in between periods of silent treatment but because of your videos I had started to become wise to his behaviour and resisted him. I’m still struggling with feelings of loss but I realise it’s the trauma bond. Thanks again for all your work. It has helped me enormously. I’m registered on NARP but just need to get on and work on it!!!
Hi Jackie,
it’s great that you are starting to get clear about what is going on, but it really can be very difficult to get the heart to catch up with the head.
I really can’t recommend starting the NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp healings enough, because this will help you get relief and much stronger and start detoxing him and the abuse out of your system quickly and powerfully.
Also, the wonderful NARP Community Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/mamber is such a supportive and loving resource to help hold your hand to get started – you don’t have to feel like you are alone, or even heal alone.
I hope that this can help inspire you to know that relief and getting your soul and sanity and life back is not far away.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie. My ex boyfirend was exactly as you describe. Spot on. 😀💕
It’s uncanny Hilda how they are the same!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie, well 3 and a half years after the horrific Discard by the narcissist which actually was my Saving Grace ha and having Completed your amazing course my life is amazing, my connection with my family and friends is stronger than ever i have an amazing Peace and contentment and the finances just keep flowing in, unbelievable how many people i meet who are in or have been in a narcissistic relationship and yours is the first name that comes to mind to refer them too. I didn’t realise that life could be so wonderful and amazing.
Thank you so much for helping to set so many of us Free, love and Blessings Col
Hi Col,
it’s wonderful to hear from you, and I am thrilled that you are doing so well after NARP!
You SO deserve this Dear Man!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank – you for this video, It’s sometimes really difficult to read a situation and to understand interactions in an authentic way, I believe I had an encounter with one these altruistics some time ago. But I was questioning myself, wondering if I was partly to blame. It’s the confusion of it that always leads to the realization, to trust your gut instinct. It never lies. What can be really difficult is that when you have Narc after Narc after Narc entering your space, treating you like crap. You can actually start believing these losers. I’m so grateful for Narp, it keeps saving my life over and over again. 💙💙💙
Hi Rachael,
it is so true that this narcissist is really curly and can be very confusing!
You are bang on about our gut!
I love that you work NARP to retain you, your True Self and True Life.
You are doing a great job!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Melanie for the clarifications about the most insiduous kind of Narcissism. Correct me i”m wrong but it is also called Communal Narcissism, right? I did my own research before and was baffled that I was yet again having a relationship with a narc. She appeared to be so loving and kind and just, worked as a kindergarden teacher, every kid adores her. But time and time again my suspicious about her dark side kept arising. After I fell ill due to covid and she inexplicably did not came to my aid, I began to withdraw even more. When I finally confronted her due to a shady behavior she kept her facade of being a honest person and tried to project unto me saying that she could not forgive me for doubting her fidelity and how my behavior is affecting her self-steem. I knew what was coming miles away so we parted ways since then. Of course, her mask finally fell off. Days later I realized that she passed me an STD, that’s when I broke down with the realization that I kept my own truth at bay. That’s when I finally accepted that my suspicions were not delusions from my head. She used to call me “crazy” as a supposed joke. The article pinpointed the awful truth from my relationship: behind the facade of a loving teacher and partner she is a sex addict. I used to think she was just a broken person due to sexual abuse in her infance which lead to a promiscuous sexual life in her “past” but now I finally admit to myself that she kept cheating on me, even with multiple partners at once. Heck, she probably even does a side job as a hooker.
My intuition always warned me that something was way off. Never again will I compromise my truth or my values. If you have any doubts about a person you must confront her in a rational way. If hell breaks loose then you have the answer since Narcs are “allergic” to accountability. Thank you as always Melanie and I hope that soon enough i’ll be able to afford your course.
Hi William,
Please know how welcome you are.
It is true that these types of narcissists can have high standing in communities.
And can be adored.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for this important article, Melanie. One of SO many!💜 I grew up with an altruistic NF and yes, it was incredibly hard to spot. He talks all the time about “helping the the greater good” and “service to others” and he is devoted to making others see and accept those principles but in his personal relationships he cannot walk that walk AT ALL.
Because you and other leaders in the recovery community have named and described narc behavior patterns plus the patterns I have that lead me to take the bait, I was able to spot the truth eventually.
And the truth SET ME FREE. 🌻🌞🌻
I have no contact with my NF now other than when I visit my mom. I cut the cords of dependency in myself that kept me hooked on his drama and shame games with loving kindness and I just walk away whenever I need to.
Thank you and your team for so beautifully calling me into the light! I encourage others in recovery to dive into the wisdom and empowerment of MTE’s work. I know I’m walking the walk now and DAMN that feels good. 💪
Hi Zena,
it’s lovely to know that the truth has set you free and that you are walking in your Light.
Keep shining that beautiful Light!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I am one in an entire family of Narcissists and let me tell you, to this day I speak to none. They are not my “family”. As a child I couldn’t understand why weird “things” would always happen to me; that I only felt at peace among trees or alone; that I had outside people who loved me and saw the real me- yet everything I did in that family was wrong, unless they wanted something from me. Sometimes they flattered me, but it never lasted. A high achiever, they would minimize what I accomplished and give someone else credit for what I did! And if I introduced a friend; then that friend would turn on me…Yet they always needed me when I moved away, kept me enmeshed in their drama. And until I learned boundaries, I attracted other Narcissists like them though I saw through those quickly – cutting ties. Religion favors Narcissists. But Spirituality, specifically Magick – helped me set myself free. I’ve always been “lucky” in Love though, and blessed in personal power that’s envied. Then I found out one of my oldest “friends” is a (what I now know) benevolent Narcissist (I’ve learned the term today – wow – I couldn’t place her before. I just knew she was bad; though not AS bad). She is highly thought of, but so manipulative… It’s important to cut ties. Your presence actually enables these beings. You are their food. You can send forgiveness and healing remotely, but, for your own growth REMOVE YOURSELF- THEY ARE NOT WORTHY of your presence, or love, or time. The truest sign of a Narcissist is you feel icky around them… Once you remove Narcissists from your life, true loves appear: Soulmates, TwinFlames…you will feel as if you’ve known these people forever. Yet unlike the “love bombing” from Narcissists – your Twin Flame and Soulmates will seem almost diffident, respectful, and yet you feel utterly loved. And you trust them. Thank you for your wonderful emails and your work. Kick-Ass Love and Powerful Light…
Hi Valda,
please know how welcome you are and thank you for your very thoughtful and insightful post!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
OMG – this is almost EXACTLY what I experienced in my 32 year marriage – my second, after a 7 year marriage to a classic narc. What attracted me to my second husband was that he seemed to be so opposite my first! And what’s really humiliating to me, is that I never identified it as narcissism until after our divorce, in retrospect. All I knew is that I was miserable: we could never solve a relational problem. His “apologies” went something like this: “Ok, I’m SOOOORRY! I’m AAALWAYS wrong! You never say you’re sorry – because you’re never wrong!” (Which, of course wasn’t true). Then there was the sexual demandingness and abuse. He made this once sexually vibrant woman hate her own vagina!
After I left, I discovered his porn addiction, and later, his financial betrayals – which were huge! Even still, he has his “flying monkeys,” mostly from his “Bible study” groups, who were easy to convince that, because I left, I’m the bad person.
I’m soooo glad to be out of that situation! Life is so much happier and more peaceful!
Thank you for the work you do, Melanie! You’re changing lives <3
Hi Anita,
big congratulations to you for letting go and moving out and onwards.
Please know how welcome you are and Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
This article is interesting. This is still confusing to me. When I see someone giving and helping others I automatically want to believe that they are a good person and def not a narcissist. One person I interacted with as a child would buy food and clothes for me. I appreciated it. This person would then ask me to do something. If I said no, or I can’t right now, she would then say I was “ungrateful and selfish”. She would remind me of all she had “done for me”. But now that I look back on it, giving a child clothes and food is really not that noble. In fact, I think you have to give children food and clothes otherwise the authorities would accuse you of abuse.
This all gets even more confusing when I consider that many of us healing did not have the best childhoods. This always makes me think, since I didn’t have the best childhood then does that make me the narcissist? It just seems to me that the only thing that separates people who are injured from narcissists is the ability to turn within. That is so uncomfortable of a pill to swallow, that anyone who has been abused or neglected could and has the potential to become a narcissist. I just have to remember that external opinions of us or our situation of abuse are not what matters. I think as long as we continue healing and connecting with God then the truth will be evident. And besides I think it is healthy to not look to the outside world for validation. I have had people critique me both ways- “she is too tall”… no… “she is too short”… etc etc. So, I am learning that I am as tall as I am and that is ok with me, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Each time I am able to change a belief and feel confident in my own skin, I feel empowered to be just who I am. And this is not dependent on anyone’s opinion of me. I find that part of your program to be truly beautiful and it has helped me a lot. I am still growing… and hope everyone else is growing in their journey too. take care
Hi Molly,
it is so true that n-abuse is confusing and as a child absolutely we couldn’t have boundaries, limits or the ability to speak up and make choices for ourselves – we were co-dependent on others.
It is the deep inner healing that allows you to take back your soul and connect to True Source, rather than being tied into False Sources, trying to get love, approval, security and survival – and therefore being so confused with their behaviour.
Have you yet looked at NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ? This is what helped me so much in shifting from confusion to alignment and knowing.
I hope that this can help you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I am 99.9999999% sure my partner is a benevolent narcissist. Listening to this video was like reading my journal.
Thank you so much, Melanie, for describing the Benevolent Narcissist. That was one of the things that was so confusing to me, i.e., how she could be so loving and helpful and then unleash negative, poisonous words on me when I least expected them because her perceptions were the only correct ones. If I said something that she misinterpreted, her misperceptions were true and therefore my fault somehow. When I tried to explain what I meant, she would call it ‘justifying’ myself. It was a no-win situation so that I became less and less of myself because I felt that not only was I walking on eggshells but that her unexpected responses were soul crushing. She was always righteous about her anger and felt no remorse. Rather it was that I was ‘too sensitive’ which as an empath, I am very sensitive especially to anger directed at me.
I kept seeking to go back to that magical place at the beginning where we both seemed to have felt an electric current coursing through us on our first hug. I believed so thoroughly in that intensity that I still believe she also felt, that I put up with and downplayed things I never would have before in a partnership. She felt she did the same. Is it possible that we are both narcissists in different ways?
Now even three years later, I still think about the good parts and keep hoping that she has ‘taken her own inventory’ as I have taken mine of our own behaviors that contributed to our break up but when we have spoken (very rarely) it is clear that she has taken her inventory of how she was offended and mistreated not what her own behaviors were that contributed to our break up. The good parts of our relationship are almost like a drug and I consciously have to think of a negative situation when the feeling to contact her comes back. I still can’t/don’t believe she was a bad person with malicious intentions as she was very kind to animals and her friends but when I remember the scared feeling I had witnessing her dark, black hole delight in thinking (but not taking) revenge on people, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was really not right and trustworthy. I had to break our relationship because I felt I would get sick with anxiety if I continued so I did just that after eight years. A year after that I had a ruptured appendix where I believe all of my negative feelings had been stored. I really believe that partners of narcissists need to be very mindful of the possible damage to their own health and well-being.
Christina: I’m good with you concluding “100%.” Go there, please. Do what you must to heal. It is a journey, it is complicated, it is painful at times, it requires help and support and places like this (this blog, or NARP, or both), but you (and I, and we) can get there, I think.
I feel like “we are the sane” in the face of “you are the psychopathic/sociopathic insane.” I don’t need a psychology degree to say “this abuse, pure and simple.” We can do this. It is work, we have support (Mel, others here…), but we can do it. I’ve dusted myself off and am looking to walk straight ahead and march into my new future, so I think you can, too.
Thank you, Astra.
Thank you, Astra.
Thank you, Astra.
Thank you to this blog/forum/community.
This is the most helpful of all your blogs. I was careful to marry a man with common goals and dreams. We had multiple adventures. Bike tour through Europe and the states two beautiful children. He would burn his bridges and we would move and start over always with a new big goal of altruism. When I began to heal my trauma and got training as an intuitive healer he promised to heal his own wounds. Imagine my fear pain and disbelief as his narc came out after 30 years of dancing his avoidance dance. When it came out it was with a vengeance and his past acts seem to be just that acts. He was a false pastor, benevolent fund raiser and author. All NARC filled. I was what made it all possible. I believed in our life and family and held it together until his abuse was killing me. Thank you for the map. I have been able to maintain ignorance so that I got half of everything and all our belongings. I’ve moved half way across the country and he just mailed me money to pay his half of divorce fees. I am maintaining only necessary contact through my lawyer and I think I’ve won.
I feel so lost and lonely. I wonder if the move was right. I hate the summer weather here in the Midwest after the cool mountain air in the PNW but I am miles from him and that’s what I needed right now. I miss my two grown children but I have kept a relationship with both of them. My friends are mostly minions of his now but I am free.
Anne,
I feel your pain I was feeling really lost and lonely but the modules definitely help. Believe me it was the right move. Having been through this twice now you will get through it. It’s good that you have your children. My most recent narcissist has turned my children against me. I believe he’s been manipulating them all along and saying things that weren’t true. I’m hoping that working the modules and healing myself things will change.
I work from home so there is not a lot of opportunity to meet people. Hopefully in the future I’ll figure out something to get me out of the house. In the meantime I try to exercise and eat right and put the focus on me.
Good Luck!
Yes yes and yes to this! I just spent nine years with the benevolent narcissist. My first husband was definitely a narcissist and definitely bordered on psychopathy so this one being so different I had no clue. He was so kind to my children who never had a real father figure he got to me through them. He was so loving and giving until he wasn’t, to me anyway. He was giving to those on the outside. The financial abuse the lies the deceit the gaslighting, projection, deflection and the funny thing is I used to call him out on all of those things so I guess he got tired of it. He did leave a few months ago but has continued to try to reel me back in even after he left. I did not realize he was a narcissist. I had a friend who pointed out the behavior and I seriously looked and our whole relationship was one big red flag. There was financial abuse although I had taken steps to protect myself and there’s now a property battle or dispute and I’m pretty sure he’s going to take me to court which he knows I dislike immensely but I’ll get through it just like I got through my divorce with the ex narcissist.
Melanie you do such great work I am so glad I found you. Your community here is amazing. I did not know about narcissistic abuse, I spent years confused, anxious and in a state of panic it’s all making sense now.
Working on the modules I’m definitely feeling better. I have minimized contact although he has tried to push my boundaries I’ve pushed right back. Hopefully he’ll just go away and leave me alone since he already found his new supply, and the funny thing is she has the same last name as me, which is definitely not a common name. I also know people who know her and I feel sorry for her but there’s really nothing I can do.
This video has rescued me. I have lived with an extremely violent and emotionally abusive narcissistic wife for 6 years. If I wrote an honest behavioral description it would be as if I plagiarized a textbook on covert malignant narcissism. It is an extreme case possibly born from a traumatic childhood raised by a mentally ill uncaring mother. When deservedly but gently confronted she exudes a level evil and hate one could not imagine unless it was experienced. Eyes go black. Voice deepens. Voice inflection changes. Dogs shakes under the bed. The words spoken are cruel and intentionally damaging beyond what I would have previously imagined possible from a human being. Conflict resolution techniques are not at all possible. Reason and logic are useless. Typical.
But then (as long as I am in line) there will be days or weeks of a sweet and seemingly caring and generous person (even as hollow as I now recognize it to be). Tragically for me this confusion has kept me doubting myself and trapped in this nightmare cycle for years. I am a shell of my former self.
I must be unlucky since I have researched this topic extensively, and have never come across the term benevolent narcissist. Now I have a behavior profile that fits like a puzzle piece. I never before could reconcile her periods of kindness with being a narcissist.
I am very grateful. This has made a big difference for me. I’m confident that I now have the will to escape.
Thank you very much